I'm only halfway through and this guy is giving me a headache 🥴
@pineapplewhatever59069 күн бұрын
Before watching this video: Yes.
@hi_im_nike9 күн бұрын
the hostility to asexuals is real. i feel less safe to say I'm asexual than to say I'm trans. and that's sad. good on u for talking about it. keep making as videos 💜. keep existing in the world we all share. "that's all you're talking about" is such a phobic response. and if other queers are saying that, they should be ashamed😢
@MichaelPaoli9 күн бұрын
Great to hear from you, as always!
@Bastet67410 күн бұрын
It’s gate keeping plain and simple. I don’t get those that gate keep. I’m aroace myself. First time being first to comment.
@pineapplewhatever59069 күн бұрын
I am aroace too :o
@ProbablyBeesАй бұрын
It's so funny that people will tell you a-spec identities don't need to exist and then you describe how you as an a-spec person feel about romantic or sexual attraction and they look at you like you're a platypus in the duck pond
@HouseCatTVАй бұрын
If boys bullying you meant they liked you, then my whole class "liked" me back in primary school, because I was bullied relentlessly by boys. (it was the autism)
@MichaelPaoliАй бұрын
Bullying, harassment, never okay, and "he likes you" - true or not (typically not) is never an excuse. Even if/when true, that's a totally f*cked up maladaptive way of showing it, and that's totally the responsibility/fault of the bully/harasser, it's not some shortfall or "misinterpretation" or the like by the bullied/harassed. And ace men, etc. and even not ... some woman throws herself at the guy, or does or tries to drop lots of "hints" and signals, etc., if she doesn't get response in kind - and yeah - of course not all women - but certainly some - will then very much jump to the conclusion and believe/say/etc. "Oh, he must be gay.", or "Oh, there must be something wrong with him", etc. - apparently working on the presumption that if they throw themselves at (most) any man, he'll be attracted and respond in kind, and if he doesn't, there must be something "wrong" with him or the like. And yeah, even as a relatively ordinary straight guy, even I also experience that. E.g. if, for whatever reason(s) I'm just not interested in her or attracted to her or whatever, and she's throwing herself at me, and, I don't respond like she'd expect and hope, at least for some women, they'll then jump to "must be something wrong with him, must be gay, or something like that." Anyway, bulling, harassment, unwanted attention, etc., never okay. Sometimes outright not at all okay, other cases, person says "no" or the like and the other persists, likewise not okay - period. But alas, some won't respect those boundaries - and it'll be bulling, or harassment, or generally being a jerk, or whatever. Means they "like" you? Really not even relevant - they're being a jerk and it's totally inappropriate - or worse. And even if they "like" the person, they sure as heck don't actually care, because they're being grossly inappropriate in their actions. If someone has (what they see as) their small pet, and all they do is abuse it, does that mean they "like" their pet? Is that even a (particularly) relevant question? It's abuse, etc., and ought stop - shouldn't even start ... period.
@AeliaReadsBooksАй бұрын
Been lurking for a few years, cool shirt.
@swankivyАй бұрын
Thanks. I have 3 Owl House shirts!
@RobAGaborАй бұрын
That whole, “They do it because you let them” thing is a bunch of bs. There’s this myth that somebody who’s being bullied will just be able to put the bully in his place ala Ralphie and Scott Farkas in A Christmas Story and the main character and the jerk set of brothers in that effin’ song the Coward of the County. It isn’t automatic that you’ll be able to do something like that. And you shouldn’t have to. My mother used to say the same thing to me and when I’d tell her that I tried to fight back, she’d tell me to get better at it. I can’t think of any bigger waste of my time on the planet than learning how to fight back. (If others want to, knock themselves out, but it isn’t for me.)
@swankivyАй бұрын
Glad someone else recognizes that toxic piece of advice so many of us seem to get! I frequently felt (especially with my mother) that I was straight up being blamed for the harassment I received. I didn't EVER feel like she (or some other adults) acknowledged that bullies were being jerks or that their behavior should be addressed; it was more a mixture of "well, that's LIFE kiddo, and it's YOUR responsibility to HANDLE IT or else you deserve what you get" and "You're being bullied because you're so damn bullyable. If you'd stop being weird or [insert whatever bullyable behavior she thought was responsible for me getting picked on], nobody would bully you." It was ALWAYS put on me as if I was the cause of my own bullying rather than the cause being a bully choosing to bully. And especially when you're a kid, telling an authority IS dealing with it. If you are going to a place you're forced to go (such as school) and you have no control over what class you're in or where you have to sit, adults in charge of this have a responsibility to protect the children in their care. If I'm expected to develop some kind of grand scale comeuppance for a bully that crosses me, I'm sad to say that even if that sort of thing worked or I'd had the resources to do so, that doesn't often stop bullies. They just get worse; they don't actually respect measures taken to trump them.
@SusanOnTVShowsАй бұрын
I hope you dropped that "friend". My nephew, when he was little, was in kiddie soccer and when a girl went by him kicking a soccer ball he kicked it out of her path. My parents, shamefully even I thought it was cute that he had a crush on her. At work we were discussing whether a male coworker would be able to get home so, I suggested he could crash at my apartment and he got awkward. I was only after I told my mom that she explained he was afraid I wanted to screw him. I just wanted to be helpful.
@swankivyАй бұрын
Yeah, I don't really like to keep people in my life who reinterpret my behavior in ways I don't intend it or repeatedly characterize my interactions with others as obviously sexual, so that is one of the reasons I haven't kept that person in my life. I wonder how much of the "dude will harass girl he likes" nonsense comes from the cultural message that men and boys can't have emotions or they're "girly," but they ARE allowed aggression, so displaying aggression toward a girl they like is the only acceptable way they can think of to show they like them? (I don't think a lot of it is intensely thought through; it's just something they can do to get attention. And yet, what do you DO if you like the girl and you've harassed her for attention and then that attention is NEGATIVE? Just goes to show girls and women have to be similarly socialized to interpret bullying and harassment as love for it to work.) And yeah, I have DECADES of experience with people deciding I'm offering to screw a man if I ever do anything nice for him (especially if it involves us being alone together). For many people there is simply no non-sexual explanation for a woman wanting to do anything with a man.
@cushmanarmitige2369Ай бұрын
I have had very abusive "friends" looking back at it and i know many were interested like that. The more abusive the more likely they liked me. I'm a man and most interested were women. I think the idea that they push you or they steal your lunch means they like you is the same basic idea. I think any interest from allos is taken as romantic/sexual. Little kid has a friend of the "opposite" sex then they must be their girlfriend/boyfriend. The same with "men and women can't be friends", its suggesting sex is the only reason for interacting. Allos really do seem to think the only reason to talk to someone is intimacy. And as people generalise to their own experience (meaning they think others think like them), they must themselves only see value in someone if sex is involved unless they are a gender they are just not attracted too. Brings up questions for how bisexual and pan people are viewed for sure. I'm so tired of all this, abuse being a sign of liking someone is nuts, its a terrible way to signal such a thing. It really needs to change cos it seems like its just the start of a life of this abusive behaviour. "I bully cos i like you" has hurt me in my late 30s, when does it end? I think things need to change. Maybe i'm just too ace to get it though. Maybe the abuse is a result of being frustrated by "just friendship", none of the allo men i know have really had this from women. If they abuse its usually in or after relationship. I dunno. Good video though, it got me thinking.
@swankivyАй бұрын
Good discussion! Yeah it's gross that some people think there's no reason to interact with another person if it isn't about sex. I've even had some people (mostly dudes) insist that having friendships is silly. Like, hey it doesn't surprise me that much that they don't have any actual friends if they think like that. But the idea that it's baffling for anyone to talk to another person unless they want sex is, in turn, baffling to me. And yeah, there's a lot of inappropriate aggression in these relationships. I just don't find it that difficult to frigging be nice to people. Maybe that's why I have plenty of friends I treasure and who treasure me in return: because I'm actually offering something rare. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is.
@cushmanarmitige2369Ай бұрын
@@swankivy I very much agree, i think if you can't be friends you really don't have anything much there. I had people i was friends with that are still married now after many years, the guy said i don't have any friends that are women they're just wifes friends. I had been around them all for years and considered them all friends. Some allos really do only see sex as meaningful. As a man who is ace i look back at how shameful i found being ace and seeing the way people behave about it i am stunned i ever admitted it to myself. And being nice never helped me, a nice man with no interest in sex round where i live isn't greatly respected to put it mildly. I still have to hide that i'm ace quite often. Point is that even the most aggressive is usually treated much better than someone who is kind and not interested in sex in my experience. Oddly its the women who are the most overtly mean about it. Like i was happy in the friend zone, please just let me stay in the zone i like.
@swankivyАй бұрын
@@cushmanarmitige2369 Well, regarding niceness and how it "never helped you" to be nice, I should clarify that "nice" is in the eye of the beholder, and what I mean by it is "exhibits behavior that makes the other person feel valued" or similar. Which may actually not be your idea of nice in the cases where you were NOT appreciated or valued. My earlier years are definitely full of being nice to people and being rewarded with scorn, mockery, harassment, and abandonment for my trouble. Eventually I dealt with this by forming relationships with people who valued what I valued in friendships, and not letting myself be so beholden to the idea that I could be friends with anyone I wanted to. Since the choices are either "change how you behave to make people want to be your friend" or "find people who want to be your friend because you behave a certain way," I went for the latter. There are definitely people whose version of nice I could never be (as we discussed with allos seeming to think positive interaction is indivisible from sexual attention and feel confused or angry if your niceness is coupled with "withholding" sex they think they deserve).
@cushmanarmitige2369Ай бұрын
@@swankivy By nice i really just mean a caring friend. I admit i'm too much of a people pleaser with friends in the past. It was only once i started saying no when i was trying to stop being overly agreeable that i found that i was around people who kinda wanted to use me (quite a few of them anyway). I found i had surrounded with people who cared more about what i was useful for than for myself. Its good in a way, i now have the chance to find better people now that i am becoming more assertive and saying no to things i don't want to do. Its actually that thought process that got me to admit to myself i'm ace. Like its ok not to want that stuff and say no. Basically i'm doing what you did, maybe a bit later than i would have liked but i'm being myself and seeing who will accept that rather than changing for anyone. Is a lot more lonely though as the less i hide the more i realise who my friends are. I went from dozens to a few real quick. I think that losing friend coming out as ace is something rarely talked about but there are a lot more people who would drop an ace man particularly than people realise. And yes i realise my friends were not good but though thats partly on me and the life i have lived i think maybe its something quite common. Thanks for the videos (and the book) anyway, these things really do help people like us. Particularly when a lot of the people round us don't.
@RainbyFINАй бұрын
I think if anyone sees a kid bullying another and thinks it's "affectionate bullying" or whatever, they should tell them that's not an acceptable way to show it. That's not too hard for teachers etc. adults in kids lives, but I guess some "gender roles" die hard and "boys will be boys". That's still an often-stranger annoying or even physically hurting that kid, it's weird behavior to sort of train little kids, usually the girls to put up with that and even (gags) "be grateful" of it. Hell, I was 18 or something and during class had a stranger guy stare at me and then repeatedly expectantly tell me my hair looked great. Guess what the substitute teacher, an old woman, said? She told me I was "being unfriendly to him" judgementally bc I did my best to ignore him (as an assigned female person). Insane! Not to even mention I'm ace, so anyone flirting with me in person makes me extra uncomfortable bc let's be honest, it's usually sexual in some level
@swankivyАй бұрын
Ugh, the third parties admonishing you to accept unwanted attention or you're "unfriendly" is the worst. I used to get that from my mom. Some dude hit on me in a grocery store and I complained about it, and she told me how rude it was for me to be so unkind and that maybe I should actually call him (he had given me his number) and "let him down easy" or at least give him a chance to meet me or whatever--because after all it's SO HARD for men to get up the courage to talk to us so we should reward them for their bravery. Yeah, sounds like I'm supposed to navigate my entire life around what dudes impose on me. Thankfully as I've gotten older I'm happy to be told "well that's so unfriendly!" and response "OK, I'm unfriendly. So what else is up?"
@MrMasterDebateАй бұрын
I appreciate you consistently posting on this topic. Thank you for being you.
@Alaric112 ай бұрын
Asexual isn't a hecking cool and valid alternate lifestyle, its just sexual dysfunction. This shouldn't be encouraged. I hope you and others like you find treatment. Deal with the trauma that is holding you back from having a full and complete life, instead of inventing a massive coping strategy and calling it asexuality. Don't support taking away the very important sexual nature of humanity from hurt and confused people.
@cushmanarmitige23692 ай бұрын
My old friend group basically turned their backs on me for not wanting allo stuff, they are cooler with people who harm others in very bad ways than me by a long way. I have been treated so poorly and yet we are not facing problems? Maybe only when someones life is ended for being ace we will see some of these people admit anything bad happens to aces. Though i hope that never happens of course.
@swankivy2 ай бұрын
Yeah, there's a lot of prejudice. And given how many people HAVE been harmed because they said "no" to sex, I'm certain that some people have been hurt for being asexual before, even if the perpetrator didn't yell "HAHA, I specifically hate asexual people and that is why I am stabbing you!" Asexual people are sometimes seen as outsiders if they can't or won't partner up the way they're expected to, and it definitely leads to us being ostracized. Sorry things like this have happened to you.
@MrMasterDebate2 ай бұрын
My narcissistic family (besides my late disabled father) never accepted me as a disabled person . I was never accepted for who I was from the moment I began growing differently. Thank you for being who you are. I never came out to my family, but knowing so someone would accept me meant a lot growing to . Thank you for being yourself :).
@americanliberal093 ай бұрын
This is very similar to certain types of people who'll despise people for "not being interested in politics". Don't believe me? Go on youtube, and dare to say that "you don't care about politics". And, you'll see certain types of people who'll shit on you as if you're violating something sacred to them. They'll say stupid shit like: *Just because you don't care about politics.* *That doesn't mean that politics don't care about you.* *You're contributing to the status quo.* *You don't care about the suffering of others.* *Apolitical is unnatural.* *You cannot dislike politics, because it's very important in society.* And, i was like: WTF? 😳 They'll also accuse non-political people of being "smug". When in reality, not everybody who is apathetic toward politics are some kind of monolithic tribe that'll all think the same. If they're talking about certain types of individuals who'll misbehave like that. Then, yes. But what they tend to forget to realize is that there are plenty of political people who'll also do the exact same shit. I've seen plenty of political people who also act as if they are "holier than thou", because they are concerned about political events that deal with people's lives. That'll be no different than saying that people who don't like listening to pop music are being smug. But in reality, not everybody who doesn't like listening to pop music will go around, and trying to claim to be superior. Unless you're talking about certain types of music fans. So i'm really sorry to say this. But it does seem to me that there are people who just cannot tolerate the fact that everybody is different.
@greenAbbot3 ай бұрын
This letter writer makes me embarrassed to be a scientist.
@swankivy3 ай бұрын
The good news is that he probably isn't a scientist. As I'm sure you know, lots of people love to invoke "science" as if it's some kind of objective black-and-white discipline. But nearly all REAL scientists I know are flexible and curious people who above all love discovery and learning. Obviously there are some exceptions but as this person was here to shut down discussion about what's possible with the human experience, I feel like I was talking to a pretty solid pretender. :)
@Astronomater3 ай бұрын
Just curious if you know of any of the haters being female as you tend to refer to them as masculine.
@swankivy3 ай бұрын
If you look at my other Letters videos you'll see many featured commenters being referred to as she or they.
@Astronomater3 ай бұрын
@@swankivy k. I just didn't want to watch every video again to find out myself. Thx.
@swankivy3 ай бұрын
@@Astronomater Do you want some examples of other genders being jerks in my videos? To be fair, the majority of the negative messages I get ARE from men, so that does tend to be represented here.
@Roadent12413 ай бұрын
I think most of these are people who are so so so itchy and think we're all pretending to avoid solving his problem that he can solve alone. Because fighting isn't going to help him.
@MrMasterDebate3 ай бұрын
So many words have different meanings in different contexts. Have they heard of a slang dictionary 😅? I mean yes but they forget that when their discrimination light bulb comes on!
@swankivy3 ай бұрын
It's the suggestion that the term is "taken" and will mislead people that really gets me. How do they suddenly become obtuse enough to believe "asexual" indicates human people are reproducing asexually, which is impossible, and therefore there's no excuse for using it? Isn't the very fact that it's OBVIOUS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE justification enough to claim it for an orientation term? Just silly to act like it's going to prevent anyone's understanding.
@Bastet6743 ай бұрын
Most people like this tend to be circle talkers and use straw man fallacies
@swankivy3 ай бұрын
Yep. That's exactly what he was. The whole "yeah well you're not special at all" "uhhhh I didn't say I was special" "YEAH WELL YOU'LL NEVER CONVINCE ME YOU'RE SPECIAL" was really classic.
@talthan4 ай бұрын
guess im weird at this stage of my life if I liked her and she liked me that would be enough
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
I once knew someone who was more interested in making sure their romantic partner was willing to have multiple cats in the home versus whether they were sexually compatible. It takes all kinds, and it really betrays a closed mind when someone insists that his own priorities in a relationship are universal among people in his demographic.
@talthan4 ай бұрын
well cats are important :) @@swankivy
@lizwindsor92504 ай бұрын
Perjury in the US involves making a false statement while under lawful oath. I don't think a DCMA claim involves making a statement under oath.
@Nersius4 ай бұрын
Was surprised how long the toy point took. Why give up a loving companion over 🎷 when all you have to do is literally shove it?
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
I really shouldn't have had to explain to him that people have different ways of getting off and sometimes those ways are just as acceptable and make the person feel just as loved even if their partner doesn't want to personally have sex, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not everyone who is in love gets their sexual needs met with each other, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not every asexual person is opposed to having sex. He certainly could have done just a teeny bit of research before telling us how we should be running our relationships. But even though I shouldn't have had to trot out a bunch of options, sometimes eventually getting to that point is effective (or at least useful to someone reading the conversation, if not to the person I'm actually talking to).
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
11:40 just because someone has a high sex drive doesnt mean they value satisfying that need more than other elements of happiness created by the other components of the relationship. He jumps from condeming a statement you didnt even make. You can have a high sex drive and have alot of interest in being with an ace partner if you value other elements of the relationship. It seems like the guys that get offended and lash out at asexuality are the type of guys who got upset they didnt get the sex they wanted in their life, they are all grumpy about feeling owed it, and stamp their feet on the ground and go "im not bad for telling them I SHOULD get this. Im not the bad guy for being mad you said no, thats normal dammit!" Uh its not normal. lol.
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
That's right, if other things are more important to you, you might still prefer to be with a specific person who doesn't satisfy one preference. Not to mention there are quite a few other ways to get that desire met that don't require a non-sex-desiring ace person to give it to you against their will. Time and time again, super selfish people insist that sex above all else is a need that cannot be compromised on and ANYONE's relationship because it's some kind of universal understanding that sexual compatibility is at the tippy top of the pyramid in terms of needs. I'm so tired of people like him trying to tell people who are minding their business that they aren't doing relationships right.
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
"in a one sided relationship at least one person is happy" "compromise makes both partners unhappy". If this guy thinks COMPROMISE makes both people unhappy....my god....that explains so much....because if it does make both people unhappy, you are not actually compromising.
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
Very true (and again, makes it clear what perspective he's REALLY coming from even though he kept paying lip service to not wanting to change us). He doesn't actually know what a compromise is. And sounds pretty damn selfish too, considering he sees "anything that doesn't completely meet the amount of sex I want to have, in the ways I want to have it" as "basically unacceptable."
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
9:00 BINGO! "Such relationship would have no appeal to me! (the man, with the high sex drive)". Oh my god, its almost like that was a Freudian slip! Its almost like he himself even understand hes projecting. Hes getting offended at the idea that he sees other people being happy, and almost seems to be *offended* that they would be happy despite his needs not being prioritized.
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
Yeah really. Conversation could have been over very quickly if he could accept "OK, then we both agree we shouldn't, personally, get into relationships we both don't want? Sounds great, but I actually mean that for everyone, while you only mean it for the relationships you personally relate to."
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
8:25 "most people would reject a relationship where sex is not a regular feature"....then why ....in his own example....did he talk about needing to "convince his friend" to not knowingly marry an asexual person? Why would you need to give that advice if your presumption in that statement is true? Shouldn't people automatically sort themselves into your claimed universal rule ? Of course thats hypocritical ...and his own statements disprove his logic. "Hey your going against what I assume is everyones experience friend! Dont do it! You will disprove my belief that everyone wants what I want! " I just find it ironic and hilarious...that his first statement literally contradicts the "universal rule" hes pushing. I understand he was not using a real world example. But its just weird and creepy he would try to get between two people in love who want to marry eachother after determining everyones needs are being met. Its reminisitent of anti gay movements, where straight people who get involved in other couples lives going "hey hey hey! I know your claiming to be happy! But your not! Trust me, you like (opposite gender)!"
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
Great point! If it's so OBVIOUS that any "sane" man with a sex drive would never date an ace woman, then why would he need to spread the word at all? Silly. Guess it all goes back to some of these people believing that if we're supporting, participating in, or organizing social movements, we're granting ourselves power that could drown out the status quo. So many of these weirdos seem to think we have the ability to trap them in relationships or marriages that they'll then be sexually unfulfilled in, and the only solution they can think of is to either stop them before they start or make sure it's us that is unhappy instead. And yeah, people speaking for other people is always suspicious. Their points tend to depend on rewriting thoughts for other people, while our points literally push to expand the understanding of what kinds of diverse perspectives and thoughts people are bringing to the table.
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
I was already told multiple times that a non ace female would never date an ace man, obviously the person had a above average sex drive compared to other people. Meaning, its literally impossible to stereotype a women as someone who would "tolerate" a ace partner because everyone is different. Everyone goes through different life paths, and values different aspects of a relationship. Boiling it down to just se* is just inaccurate and harmful. Frequently, commenters just project their needs onto everyone else because its hard to imagine that your default life experience isnt similar to everyone else's experience. This is the same type of projection behavior narc abusers engage in, fearing everyone is just as cruel as them. I also want to point out the commenter's first comment implied "if my friend decided to marry an ace girlfriend" (ie: his friend valued the person for different reasons than him) "id try to dissuade him". So even in his example, he admits people would WANT to marry despite those different desires and interests. Yet he would try to enforce his values and needs onto his friend? Shitty friend if you ask me .
@Roadent12414 ай бұрын
I want to see his reaction when I tell him everybody but the trans girl I've dated has been allo. One of them was for almost 5 years!! And it was an allo guy!! Sure I said I wouldn't do anything with him but I said he could do what he wanted with anyone as long as it wasn't me, but hey I wasn't trapping him. According to other people though that just means I'm not his girlfriend, I'm just a friend. I don't think friends kiss and cuddle. Well maybe cuddle but...! The ace, the trans girl, we barely lasted half a year. So umm... XD
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
It just goes to show that people like him don't realize that only SOME people have sexual compatibility as their NUMBER ONE REQUIREMENT. When being compatible sexually isn't the very first thing you think about when working out whether you want to be with someone, you can sometimes come to different conclusions, even if you're not on the ace spectrum and you're a cis dude. According to this guy I guess you should have gotten along most compatibly with with the ace girl! But somehow sexual compatibility wasn't what made or broke the relationship! It's like people are different or something! Haha!
@pineapplewhatever59064 ай бұрын
1:49 I remember you commenting on a case where an ace person got put on a dangerous amount of testosterone in an attempt to "fix" it. Do you remember what or when that was?
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
This was a personal story told to me by the person who experienced it, face to face at an asexual conference (I believe it was 2015). I don't want to go into too much detail because it wasn't something I checked with the person about whether he wanted his story shared more widely, but he also didn't tell me not to tell anyone or anything. The asexual person I spoke to had an intersex variation that had him being treated by specialists who naturally would have been on the case to make sure his hormones were balanced. But one professional who cared for him was disturbed that he never reported being attracted to or sexually interested in anyone, and so kept upping the dosage of testosterone until it hit dangerous levels because this professional believed sexual interest and attraction was very important to make him "normal." He told me testosterone at that level destroyed his equilibrium and made him angry and self destructive. When he later got a different doctor, he was told the levels he was on were dangerous and that he had experienced medical abuse. He thanked me for writing a book that helped free him from believing he had to be "sexual" to be healthy.
@MrMasterDebate4 ай бұрын
@@swankivy thats incredibly screwed up, for so many reasons. But one of those reasons? The doctor was using stereotypes about hormones to determine which hormone would even create sexual attraction. Data shows testosterone isnt even the only driver of sex drive...its a combination of them all, with effects being created from the different proportions of those chemicals to each other.
@pineapplewhatever59064 ай бұрын
I just saw this video and even before watching, I wish I could kill this person's premise but I'm ace and male so I can't use myself as a counterexample :(
@SusanOnTVShows4 ай бұрын
How narcissistic do you have to be to think that your experiences are everybody's experiences.
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
He paid lip service to "you don't have to have sex if you don't want to!" and "I don't want to change you!" but then still defaulted to the default ignorance of "but if a man and a woman are together and either one of them likes sex while the other doesn't, it WON'T WORK unless the one who doesn't like sex CHANGES to keep the other one happy." And I mean, he even tried to say she should "learn to like" sex, not "have sex even though you hate it," but that's still pretty horrible considering a potential solution he proposed was a one-sided relationship so "at least one person could be happy." Iiiiiinteresting, so interesting, that having an ace person be unhappy seems like a feasible solution to him while having a non-ace person be unhappy with the situation was a non-starter.
@mittenista4 ай бұрын
@swankivy I doubt he'd accept that he needs to "learn to like not having sex. "
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
@@mittenista 100% True! But somehow if an ace and a non-ace date, we're the ONLY ones who should accept that we're "the problem" because their perspective is more popular. Gosh! It really is like some of these guys think we're having relationships AT them, doing something to them, while if they find themselves in the situation where they're unsatisfied, they're victims. Every relationship participant should be able to be happy in the relationship on everything that matters to them! How they figure it out varies a lot! This guy needs to get out of other people's business.
@lesedintuli3404 ай бұрын
People need to learn that every relationship functions differently and it is ok.That guy was wasting his time getting angry that other relationships don't function like his
@swankivy4 ай бұрын
Good point. I think he was just indignant at the idea that some asexual person might be depriving a man he relates to of sex in a relationship, and thought I needed to disseminate the information to my community that ace people need to stay away from non-ace people in relationships. Funny how the same people are NEVER upset at the idea of asexual people feeling like they have to "learn to like sex" (translation: do it more or less whenever the other person wants and not complain about it) or struggling in relationships because they're being pressured into unwanted sex. Hey, after all, it's better (as he said) if only one person (the non-asexual person) in the relationship is happy than if both are unhappy!
@lesedintuli3405 ай бұрын
Sexuality is mostly an internal discovery,people just act like sexuality is a body thing or something that you should physically explore all the time in order to truly know yourself.We really need to redefine what sexuality is.Hopefully in the future the study of asexuality will become better
@swankivy5 ай бұрын
I think you're right here. I've been told stuff like that asexual romantic people should "figure your situation out before you try to date people!" but like . . . how are you supposed to just figure it out without existing in the world and interacting the way you've been told you should want to? It's not just a thing you figure out alone in your head. Thinking and talking to others is necessary for certain kinds of understanding. People expect "figuring out" our sexuality to look similar to the way other people do, when in fact when we try to figure it out the way they do, we mostly get more questions than answers.
@Roadent12415 ай бұрын
Small correction, I believe (and I can't remember if I've said this before) - I understood recently that the 1% thing comes from a UK study. 1% of the UK is ace. We're tiny. I wonder how big that number actually is then if we consider every other place in the world. I wonder how much of America is Ace XD
@swankivy5 ай бұрын
Not sure how that's a correction on anything I said though--I know where the first study came from (made reference to it in my book a good decade ago). The 1% is a very generalized figure that people have been quoting for a long time (and of course it makes a lot of assumptions that the initially surveyed population is representative, which it may not be), but Anthony Bogaert kicked off his research in Canada and the USA based on that initial number and wanting to study the group that showed up in that UK study. Other research that builds on those numbers still ballparks at 1%, though of course that expands a little if you also broaden the definition to include people anywhere on the ace spectrum.
@Roadent12415 ай бұрын
@@swankivy It's a correction on the 1% thing and I thought I should bring it up that it was the UK study only that was the 1% but it was labelled as worldwide, to my understanding. So for this long we've thought that was the entire world and it doesn't make sense, there can't be that few? Especially not with several new rounds of generations since. I've met more ace people than deal people and deafness should be a higher percentage. Unless they're all behind a portal somewhere XD
@swankivy5 ай бұрын
@@Roadent1241 I'm not sure who you're saying labeled it as if the study was worldwide--since I saw the statistic, I've seen it both acknowledged that it originally came from a UK study (with only 18,000 people) and that we're generalizing when we assume that number applies to other populations. I don't think it's a misrepresentation to use that number. If there's a reason to go in depth enough to quote the source, I've always pointed out where it came from.
@Roadent12415 ай бұрын
@@swankivy I understood it was labelled as worldwide/the entire population of earth since it's not been called 'the 1% of the UK'. Only saw that was the possible correction recently which makes me wonder what the overall number actually is, just slept lots since so I can't remember what name was attached.
@4wolvenpeople5 ай бұрын
1 percent is still enough to let us take over denmark like the memes say, if we put all the 1 percent of aces together we make a country. It feels like people don't realise how big 1 percent is.
@dingdongfootball53315 ай бұрын
Revisiting this many years later now that Gloria is an adult and more information is available to us, I see this in a different light. She was a child taken advantage of by grifter parents. I hope her life is easier and more normal now. Still, thank you for this coverage you did at the time, this was and still is a very entertaining video.
@swankivy5 ай бұрын
I think it's very true that her parents were grifters and encouraged her to behave badly, though as an adult she continued to lie and misrepresent herself and be nasty to "haters" (aka people who asked questions that made her look bad or called out lies). I'm certain that many of the worst things we saw out of the Tesch camp were not her ideas, sure, but at a certain point in your life you do have to start owning up to the lies you've told and damage you've done, and even as an adult she was writing fake blog posts pretending to be celebrity news coverage about herself and misrepresenting her status and education. But I haven't been worried about her or following what she's doing since her poorly conceived marketing efforts crossed paths with my literary criticism community--in other words, I didn't go out searching for her, and didn't continue to pursue information about her once she stopped inserting weird lies into my communities.
@B612nian6 ай бұрын
Hold it, he was allegedly a Psychology major and giving that kind of replies? Yikes. 😬
@swankivy6 ай бұрын
RIGHT?? Talk about argument from authority and misusing your credentials. (If he actually even had them.)
@SusanOnTVShows6 ай бұрын
I have never formally come out. I have always told people I wasn't interested in things like that. Interestingly, my mom never had a problem with it UNTIL I started calling myself asexual. Now, I have no problem using the term to English speakers. I am lucky, that very few people in my daily life have a problem with it. Explaining it to non- English speakers (read scammers) is a pain. I still explain I am not interested and why but, It is STILL a pain. The only reason I let it go on as far as it does is if they are spending time talking to me that means less people for the scammer to scam.
@B612nian6 ай бұрын
6:17 Wow. Who would be so misguided to say something that mean. Sending that person a hug, too.
@swankivy6 ай бұрын
Right? "YOU being part of a group would make them less legitimate." Who frigging says that??
@joedirt34496 ай бұрын
The channel delivers! I love it so much
@RobAGabor6 ай бұрын
I’m going to be meeting a guy I used to hang out with back in high school. I honestly can’t remember anything about him other than that he was always trying to have sex with as many girls as possible. I’m hoping our conversation doesn’t devolve into a discussion about his “conquests” from the past 40 years because I really don’t want to talk about that subject My knowledge of my sexuality has grown so much since then and I’m not sure I want to explain it all to him. I’m hoping he’s grown too.
@swankivy6 ай бұрын
Oh, I hope it goes well. Never very nice to compare experiences and find that a person has a different measure of success than you do and is going to judge you for it. Here's hoping he's matured.
@RobAGabor6 ай бұрын
@@swankivyIt went about as well as possible. The subject didn't really come up. The roles are kind of reversed now. He's found Jesus and I'm an Atheist now. He asked me why I was an Atheist (by asking me if God had gone away), and I wanted to say something really profound and movie quote-ish like, "What I thought was Catholicism, was really my ace-ness." But I didn't, because our other fan pretty stepped in and said he didn't think we should talk about religion.
@chrisisteas6 ай бұрын
I will only share my asexuality with people that I feel would understand it. That is not foolproof either because there's plenty of lgbtqia+ people that are still aphobic. I have met plenty of wonderful queer ace allies though. There are also a lot of people in my life who don't take me seriously for the way I live my life. Telling those people about asexuality won't change anything. So I'm happily openly ace but only with the cool people.
@swankivy6 ай бұрын
Legit. And you're right that there are many people you'd think would be cool to talk to about it who actually aren't. No point in insisting on talking to people who have made a point of not listening!
@TimeandMonotony6 ай бұрын
Happy New Year! I needed this video, I'm asexual and I was pretty involved in the ace community (both online and off) in my teens/early 20s, but now that I'm in my 30s I've sort of stepped back from that and have mostly just been living my life, and been much more circumspect about coming out, and I feel kinda bad about it, like I've abandoned the community or something. But I haven't in my heart, I've just been kinda flying under the radar. So it's nice to hear some validation for that. 💜
@swankivy6 ай бұрын
I relate to this! I was much more active on my blog with ace stuff ten years ago, but nowadays the only ace stuff I do is respond to interviews when I'm asked and make a video for this channel once a month. Sometimes I feel like I should do more, and other times I feel like I kind of did my thing already and it's time to let new voices have the spotlight, but it's not an either/or situation, so sometimes I think about whether more contributions would be helpful. I guess on some level I've wanted to just "be an ace person" without being in activist mode all the time for a while.
@TimeandMonotony6 ай бұрын
@@swankivy You deserve it! You've done so much for the community!
@liamodonovan66106 ай бұрын
Good to see you swankivy love you're intelligent channel you're are a fun person iam asexual and aromantic channels like yours is the only connection i have in ths oversexualised world
@BottoEntertainment7 ай бұрын
There is something wonderfully ironic about her filing a DMCA takedown against you, only for her to feature footage of you in her music videos.
@swankivy7 ай бұрын
A bunch of people who excerpted her work in any way got DMCA'd. Maybe they figured if we wanted to fight back we'd have to disclose our legal identities (that's what you have to do to counter a claim) and they really wanted to have that information or something. Jokes on them, though; if someone sees images of me in her work and decides I must have been this terrible person and looks me up, they'll also see my description of these activities and learn how ridiculous the Tesch machine always was. And if they have no idea who I am from looking at a picture of me, then it has no impact whatsoever. Weird that whoever's idea that was would WANT people to come see what I said, but the family does not seem to have been blessed with many good ideas in their lives.
Пікірлер
I'm only halfway through and this guy is giving me a headache 🥴
Before watching this video: Yes.
the hostility to asexuals is real. i feel less safe to say I'm asexual than to say I'm trans. and that's sad. good on u for talking about it. keep making as videos 💜. keep existing in the world we all share. "that's all you're talking about" is such a phobic response. and if other queers are saying that, they should be ashamed😢
Great to hear from you, as always!
It’s gate keeping plain and simple. I don’t get those that gate keep. I’m aroace myself. First time being first to comment.
I am aroace too :o
It's so funny that people will tell you a-spec identities don't need to exist and then you describe how you as an a-spec person feel about romantic or sexual attraction and they look at you like you're a platypus in the duck pond
If boys bullying you meant they liked you, then my whole class "liked" me back in primary school, because I was bullied relentlessly by boys. (it was the autism)
Bullying, harassment, never okay, and "he likes you" - true or not (typically not) is never an excuse. Even if/when true, that's a totally f*cked up maladaptive way of showing it, and that's totally the responsibility/fault of the bully/harasser, it's not some shortfall or "misinterpretation" or the like by the bullied/harassed. And ace men, etc. and even not ... some woman throws herself at the guy, or does or tries to drop lots of "hints" and signals, etc., if she doesn't get response in kind - and yeah - of course not all women - but certainly some - will then very much jump to the conclusion and believe/say/etc. "Oh, he must be gay.", or "Oh, there must be something wrong with him", etc. - apparently working on the presumption that if they throw themselves at (most) any man, he'll be attracted and respond in kind, and if he doesn't, there must be something "wrong" with him or the like. And yeah, even as a relatively ordinary straight guy, even I also experience that. E.g. if, for whatever reason(s) I'm just not interested in her or attracted to her or whatever, and she's throwing herself at me, and, I don't respond like she'd expect and hope, at least for some women, they'll then jump to "must be something wrong with him, must be gay, or something like that." Anyway, bulling, harassment, unwanted attention, etc., never okay. Sometimes outright not at all okay, other cases, person says "no" or the like and the other persists, likewise not okay - period. But alas, some won't respect those boundaries - and it'll be bulling, or harassment, or generally being a jerk, or whatever. Means they "like" you? Really not even relevant - they're being a jerk and it's totally inappropriate - or worse. And even if they "like" the person, they sure as heck don't actually care, because they're being grossly inappropriate in their actions. If someone has (what they see as) their small pet, and all they do is abuse it, does that mean they "like" their pet? Is that even a (particularly) relevant question? It's abuse, etc., and ought stop - shouldn't even start ... period.
Been lurking for a few years, cool shirt.
Thanks. I have 3 Owl House shirts!
That whole, “They do it because you let them” thing is a bunch of bs. There’s this myth that somebody who’s being bullied will just be able to put the bully in his place ala Ralphie and Scott Farkas in A Christmas Story and the main character and the jerk set of brothers in that effin’ song the Coward of the County. It isn’t automatic that you’ll be able to do something like that. And you shouldn’t have to. My mother used to say the same thing to me and when I’d tell her that I tried to fight back, she’d tell me to get better at it. I can’t think of any bigger waste of my time on the planet than learning how to fight back. (If others want to, knock themselves out, but it isn’t for me.)
Glad someone else recognizes that toxic piece of advice so many of us seem to get! I frequently felt (especially with my mother) that I was straight up being blamed for the harassment I received. I didn't EVER feel like she (or some other adults) acknowledged that bullies were being jerks or that their behavior should be addressed; it was more a mixture of "well, that's LIFE kiddo, and it's YOUR responsibility to HANDLE IT or else you deserve what you get" and "You're being bullied because you're so damn bullyable. If you'd stop being weird or [insert whatever bullyable behavior she thought was responsible for me getting picked on], nobody would bully you." It was ALWAYS put on me as if I was the cause of my own bullying rather than the cause being a bully choosing to bully. And especially when you're a kid, telling an authority IS dealing with it. If you are going to a place you're forced to go (such as school) and you have no control over what class you're in or where you have to sit, adults in charge of this have a responsibility to protect the children in their care. If I'm expected to develop some kind of grand scale comeuppance for a bully that crosses me, I'm sad to say that even if that sort of thing worked or I'd had the resources to do so, that doesn't often stop bullies. They just get worse; they don't actually respect measures taken to trump them.
I hope you dropped that "friend". My nephew, when he was little, was in kiddie soccer and when a girl went by him kicking a soccer ball he kicked it out of her path. My parents, shamefully even I thought it was cute that he had a crush on her. At work we were discussing whether a male coworker would be able to get home so, I suggested he could crash at my apartment and he got awkward. I was only after I told my mom that she explained he was afraid I wanted to screw him. I just wanted to be helpful.
Yeah, I don't really like to keep people in my life who reinterpret my behavior in ways I don't intend it or repeatedly characterize my interactions with others as obviously sexual, so that is one of the reasons I haven't kept that person in my life. I wonder how much of the "dude will harass girl he likes" nonsense comes from the cultural message that men and boys can't have emotions or they're "girly," but they ARE allowed aggression, so displaying aggression toward a girl they like is the only acceptable way they can think of to show they like them? (I don't think a lot of it is intensely thought through; it's just something they can do to get attention. And yet, what do you DO if you like the girl and you've harassed her for attention and then that attention is NEGATIVE? Just goes to show girls and women have to be similarly socialized to interpret bullying and harassment as love for it to work.) And yeah, I have DECADES of experience with people deciding I'm offering to screw a man if I ever do anything nice for him (especially if it involves us being alone together). For many people there is simply no non-sexual explanation for a woman wanting to do anything with a man.
I have had very abusive "friends" looking back at it and i know many were interested like that. The more abusive the more likely they liked me. I'm a man and most interested were women. I think the idea that they push you or they steal your lunch means they like you is the same basic idea. I think any interest from allos is taken as romantic/sexual. Little kid has a friend of the "opposite" sex then they must be their girlfriend/boyfriend. The same with "men and women can't be friends", its suggesting sex is the only reason for interacting. Allos really do seem to think the only reason to talk to someone is intimacy. And as people generalise to their own experience (meaning they think others think like them), they must themselves only see value in someone if sex is involved unless they are a gender they are just not attracted too. Brings up questions for how bisexual and pan people are viewed for sure. I'm so tired of all this, abuse being a sign of liking someone is nuts, its a terrible way to signal such a thing. It really needs to change cos it seems like its just the start of a life of this abusive behaviour. "I bully cos i like you" has hurt me in my late 30s, when does it end? I think things need to change. Maybe i'm just too ace to get it though. Maybe the abuse is a result of being frustrated by "just friendship", none of the allo men i know have really had this from women. If they abuse its usually in or after relationship. I dunno. Good video though, it got me thinking.
Good discussion! Yeah it's gross that some people think there's no reason to interact with another person if it isn't about sex. I've even had some people (mostly dudes) insist that having friendships is silly. Like, hey it doesn't surprise me that much that they don't have any actual friends if they think like that. But the idea that it's baffling for anyone to talk to another person unless they want sex is, in turn, baffling to me. And yeah, there's a lot of inappropriate aggression in these relationships. I just don't find it that difficult to frigging be nice to people. Maybe that's why I have plenty of friends I treasure and who treasure me in return: because I'm actually offering something rare. It doesn't seem like it should be, but it is.
@@swankivy I very much agree, i think if you can't be friends you really don't have anything much there. I had people i was friends with that are still married now after many years, the guy said i don't have any friends that are women they're just wifes friends. I had been around them all for years and considered them all friends. Some allos really do only see sex as meaningful. As a man who is ace i look back at how shameful i found being ace and seeing the way people behave about it i am stunned i ever admitted it to myself. And being nice never helped me, a nice man with no interest in sex round where i live isn't greatly respected to put it mildly. I still have to hide that i'm ace quite often. Point is that even the most aggressive is usually treated much better than someone who is kind and not interested in sex in my experience. Oddly its the women who are the most overtly mean about it. Like i was happy in the friend zone, please just let me stay in the zone i like.
@@cushmanarmitige2369 Well, regarding niceness and how it "never helped you" to be nice, I should clarify that "nice" is in the eye of the beholder, and what I mean by it is "exhibits behavior that makes the other person feel valued" or similar. Which may actually not be your idea of nice in the cases where you were NOT appreciated or valued. My earlier years are definitely full of being nice to people and being rewarded with scorn, mockery, harassment, and abandonment for my trouble. Eventually I dealt with this by forming relationships with people who valued what I valued in friendships, and not letting myself be so beholden to the idea that I could be friends with anyone I wanted to. Since the choices are either "change how you behave to make people want to be your friend" or "find people who want to be your friend because you behave a certain way," I went for the latter. There are definitely people whose version of nice I could never be (as we discussed with allos seeming to think positive interaction is indivisible from sexual attention and feel confused or angry if your niceness is coupled with "withholding" sex they think they deserve).
@@swankivy By nice i really just mean a caring friend. I admit i'm too much of a people pleaser with friends in the past. It was only once i started saying no when i was trying to stop being overly agreeable that i found that i was around people who kinda wanted to use me (quite a few of them anyway). I found i had surrounded with people who cared more about what i was useful for than for myself. Its good in a way, i now have the chance to find better people now that i am becoming more assertive and saying no to things i don't want to do. Its actually that thought process that got me to admit to myself i'm ace. Like its ok not to want that stuff and say no. Basically i'm doing what you did, maybe a bit later than i would have liked but i'm being myself and seeing who will accept that rather than changing for anyone. Is a lot more lonely though as the less i hide the more i realise who my friends are. I went from dozens to a few real quick. I think that losing friend coming out as ace is something rarely talked about but there are a lot more people who would drop an ace man particularly than people realise. And yes i realise my friends were not good but though thats partly on me and the life i have lived i think maybe its something quite common. Thanks for the videos (and the book) anyway, these things really do help people like us. Particularly when a lot of the people round us don't.
I think if anyone sees a kid bullying another and thinks it's "affectionate bullying" or whatever, they should tell them that's not an acceptable way to show it. That's not too hard for teachers etc. adults in kids lives, but I guess some "gender roles" die hard and "boys will be boys". That's still an often-stranger annoying or even physically hurting that kid, it's weird behavior to sort of train little kids, usually the girls to put up with that and even (gags) "be grateful" of it. Hell, I was 18 or something and during class had a stranger guy stare at me and then repeatedly expectantly tell me my hair looked great. Guess what the substitute teacher, an old woman, said? She told me I was "being unfriendly to him" judgementally bc I did my best to ignore him (as an assigned female person). Insane! Not to even mention I'm ace, so anyone flirting with me in person makes me extra uncomfortable bc let's be honest, it's usually sexual in some level
Ugh, the third parties admonishing you to accept unwanted attention or you're "unfriendly" is the worst. I used to get that from my mom. Some dude hit on me in a grocery store and I complained about it, and she told me how rude it was for me to be so unkind and that maybe I should actually call him (he had given me his number) and "let him down easy" or at least give him a chance to meet me or whatever--because after all it's SO HARD for men to get up the courage to talk to us so we should reward them for their bravery. Yeah, sounds like I'm supposed to navigate my entire life around what dudes impose on me. Thankfully as I've gotten older I'm happy to be told "well that's so unfriendly!" and response "OK, I'm unfriendly. So what else is up?"
I appreciate you consistently posting on this topic. Thank you for being you.
Asexual isn't a hecking cool and valid alternate lifestyle, its just sexual dysfunction. This shouldn't be encouraged. I hope you and others like you find treatment. Deal with the trauma that is holding you back from having a full and complete life, instead of inventing a massive coping strategy and calling it asexuality. Don't support taking away the very important sexual nature of humanity from hurt and confused people.
My old friend group basically turned their backs on me for not wanting allo stuff, they are cooler with people who harm others in very bad ways than me by a long way. I have been treated so poorly and yet we are not facing problems? Maybe only when someones life is ended for being ace we will see some of these people admit anything bad happens to aces. Though i hope that never happens of course.
Yeah, there's a lot of prejudice. And given how many people HAVE been harmed because they said "no" to sex, I'm certain that some people have been hurt for being asexual before, even if the perpetrator didn't yell "HAHA, I specifically hate asexual people and that is why I am stabbing you!" Asexual people are sometimes seen as outsiders if they can't or won't partner up the way they're expected to, and it definitely leads to us being ostracized. Sorry things like this have happened to you.
My narcissistic family (besides my late disabled father) never accepted me as a disabled person . I was never accepted for who I was from the moment I began growing differently. Thank you for being who you are. I never came out to my family, but knowing so someone would accept me meant a lot growing to . Thank you for being yourself :).
This is very similar to certain types of people who'll despise people for "not being interested in politics". Don't believe me? Go on youtube, and dare to say that "you don't care about politics". And, you'll see certain types of people who'll shit on you as if you're violating something sacred to them. They'll say stupid shit like: *Just because you don't care about politics.* *That doesn't mean that politics don't care about you.* *You're contributing to the status quo.* *You don't care about the suffering of others.* *Apolitical is unnatural.* *You cannot dislike politics, because it's very important in society.* And, i was like: WTF? 😳 They'll also accuse non-political people of being "smug". When in reality, not everybody who is apathetic toward politics are some kind of monolithic tribe that'll all think the same. If they're talking about certain types of individuals who'll misbehave like that. Then, yes. But what they tend to forget to realize is that there are plenty of political people who'll also do the exact same shit. I've seen plenty of political people who also act as if they are "holier than thou", because they are concerned about political events that deal with people's lives. That'll be no different than saying that people who don't like listening to pop music are being smug. But in reality, not everybody who doesn't like listening to pop music will go around, and trying to claim to be superior. Unless you're talking about certain types of music fans. So i'm really sorry to say this. But it does seem to me that there are people who just cannot tolerate the fact that everybody is different.
This letter writer makes me embarrassed to be a scientist.
The good news is that he probably isn't a scientist. As I'm sure you know, lots of people love to invoke "science" as if it's some kind of objective black-and-white discipline. But nearly all REAL scientists I know are flexible and curious people who above all love discovery and learning. Obviously there are some exceptions but as this person was here to shut down discussion about what's possible with the human experience, I feel like I was talking to a pretty solid pretender. :)
Just curious if you know of any of the haters being female as you tend to refer to them as masculine.
If you look at my other Letters videos you'll see many featured commenters being referred to as she or they.
@@swankivy k. I just didn't want to watch every video again to find out myself. Thx.
@@Astronomater Do you want some examples of other genders being jerks in my videos? To be fair, the majority of the negative messages I get ARE from men, so that does tend to be represented here.
I think most of these are people who are so so so itchy and think we're all pretending to avoid solving his problem that he can solve alone. Because fighting isn't going to help him.
So many words have different meanings in different contexts. Have they heard of a slang dictionary 😅? I mean yes but they forget that when their discrimination light bulb comes on!
It's the suggestion that the term is "taken" and will mislead people that really gets me. How do they suddenly become obtuse enough to believe "asexual" indicates human people are reproducing asexually, which is impossible, and therefore there's no excuse for using it? Isn't the very fact that it's OBVIOUS IT'S IMPOSSIBLE justification enough to claim it for an orientation term? Just silly to act like it's going to prevent anyone's understanding.
Most people like this tend to be circle talkers and use straw man fallacies
Yep. That's exactly what he was. The whole "yeah well you're not special at all" "uhhhh I didn't say I was special" "YEAH WELL YOU'LL NEVER CONVINCE ME YOU'RE SPECIAL" was really classic.
guess im weird at this stage of my life if I liked her and she liked me that would be enough
I once knew someone who was more interested in making sure their romantic partner was willing to have multiple cats in the home versus whether they were sexually compatible. It takes all kinds, and it really betrays a closed mind when someone insists that his own priorities in a relationship are universal among people in his demographic.
well cats are important :) @@swankivy
Perjury in the US involves making a false statement while under lawful oath. I don't think a DCMA claim involves making a statement under oath.
Was surprised how long the toy point took. Why give up a loving companion over 🎷 when all you have to do is literally shove it?
I really shouldn't have had to explain to him that people have different ways of getting off and sometimes those ways are just as acceptable and make the person feel just as loved even if their partner doesn't want to personally have sex, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not everyone who is in love gets their sexual needs met with each other, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not every asexual person is opposed to having sex. He certainly could have done just a teeny bit of research before telling us how we should be running our relationships. But even though I shouldn't have had to trot out a bunch of options, sometimes eventually getting to that point is effective (or at least useful to someone reading the conversation, if not to the person I'm actually talking to).
11:40 just because someone has a high sex drive doesnt mean they value satisfying that need more than other elements of happiness created by the other components of the relationship. He jumps from condeming a statement you didnt even make. You can have a high sex drive and have alot of interest in being with an ace partner if you value other elements of the relationship. It seems like the guys that get offended and lash out at asexuality are the type of guys who got upset they didnt get the sex they wanted in their life, they are all grumpy about feeling owed it, and stamp their feet on the ground and go "im not bad for telling them I SHOULD get this. Im not the bad guy for being mad you said no, thats normal dammit!" Uh its not normal. lol.
That's right, if other things are more important to you, you might still prefer to be with a specific person who doesn't satisfy one preference. Not to mention there are quite a few other ways to get that desire met that don't require a non-sex-desiring ace person to give it to you against their will. Time and time again, super selfish people insist that sex above all else is a need that cannot be compromised on and ANYONE's relationship because it's some kind of universal understanding that sexual compatibility is at the tippy top of the pyramid in terms of needs. I'm so tired of people like him trying to tell people who are minding their business that they aren't doing relationships right.
"in a one sided relationship at least one person is happy" "compromise makes both partners unhappy". If this guy thinks COMPROMISE makes both people unhappy....my god....that explains so much....because if it does make both people unhappy, you are not actually compromising.
Very true (and again, makes it clear what perspective he's REALLY coming from even though he kept paying lip service to not wanting to change us). He doesn't actually know what a compromise is. And sounds pretty damn selfish too, considering he sees "anything that doesn't completely meet the amount of sex I want to have, in the ways I want to have it" as "basically unacceptable."
9:00 BINGO! "Such relationship would have no appeal to me! (the man, with the high sex drive)". Oh my god, its almost like that was a Freudian slip! Its almost like he himself even understand hes projecting. Hes getting offended at the idea that he sees other people being happy, and almost seems to be *offended* that they would be happy despite his needs not being prioritized.
Yeah really. Conversation could have been over very quickly if he could accept "OK, then we both agree we shouldn't, personally, get into relationships we both don't want? Sounds great, but I actually mean that for everyone, while you only mean it for the relationships you personally relate to."
8:25 "most people would reject a relationship where sex is not a regular feature"....then why ....in his own example....did he talk about needing to "convince his friend" to not knowingly marry an asexual person? Why would you need to give that advice if your presumption in that statement is true? Shouldn't people automatically sort themselves into your claimed universal rule ? Of course thats hypocritical ...and his own statements disprove his logic. "Hey your going against what I assume is everyones experience friend! Dont do it! You will disprove my belief that everyone wants what I want! " I just find it ironic and hilarious...that his first statement literally contradicts the "universal rule" hes pushing. I understand he was not using a real world example. But its just weird and creepy he would try to get between two people in love who want to marry eachother after determining everyones needs are being met. Its reminisitent of anti gay movements, where straight people who get involved in other couples lives going "hey hey hey! I know your claiming to be happy! But your not! Trust me, you like (opposite gender)!"
Great point! If it's so OBVIOUS that any "sane" man with a sex drive would never date an ace woman, then why would he need to spread the word at all? Silly. Guess it all goes back to some of these people believing that if we're supporting, participating in, or organizing social movements, we're granting ourselves power that could drown out the status quo. So many of these weirdos seem to think we have the ability to trap them in relationships or marriages that they'll then be sexually unfulfilled in, and the only solution they can think of is to either stop them before they start or make sure it's us that is unhappy instead. And yeah, people speaking for other people is always suspicious. Their points tend to depend on rewriting thoughts for other people, while our points literally push to expand the understanding of what kinds of diverse perspectives and thoughts people are bringing to the table.
I was already told multiple times that a non ace female would never date an ace man, obviously the person had a above average sex drive compared to other people. Meaning, its literally impossible to stereotype a women as someone who would "tolerate" a ace partner because everyone is different. Everyone goes through different life paths, and values different aspects of a relationship. Boiling it down to just se* is just inaccurate and harmful. Frequently, commenters just project their needs onto everyone else because its hard to imagine that your default life experience isnt similar to everyone else's experience. This is the same type of projection behavior narc abusers engage in, fearing everyone is just as cruel as them. I also want to point out the commenter's first comment implied "if my friend decided to marry an ace girlfriend" (ie: his friend valued the person for different reasons than him) "id try to dissuade him". So even in his example, he admits people would WANT to marry despite those different desires and interests. Yet he would try to enforce his values and needs onto his friend? Shitty friend if you ask me .
I want to see his reaction when I tell him everybody but the trans girl I've dated has been allo. One of them was for almost 5 years!! And it was an allo guy!! Sure I said I wouldn't do anything with him but I said he could do what he wanted with anyone as long as it wasn't me, but hey I wasn't trapping him. According to other people though that just means I'm not his girlfriend, I'm just a friend. I don't think friends kiss and cuddle. Well maybe cuddle but...! The ace, the trans girl, we barely lasted half a year. So umm... XD
It just goes to show that people like him don't realize that only SOME people have sexual compatibility as their NUMBER ONE REQUIREMENT. When being compatible sexually isn't the very first thing you think about when working out whether you want to be with someone, you can sometimes come to different conclusions, even if you're not on the ace spectrum and you're a cis dude. According to this guy I guess you should have gotten along most compatibly with with the ace girl! But somehow sexual compatibility wasn't what made or broke the relationship! It's like people are different or something! Haha!
1:49 I remember you commenting on a case where an ace person got put on a dangerous amount of testosterone in an attempt to "fix" it. Do you remember what or when that was?
This was a personal story told to me by the person who experienced it, face to face at an asexual conference (I believe it was 2015). I don't want to go into too much detail because it wasn't something I checked with the person about whether he wanted his story shared more widely, but he also didn't tell me not to tell anyone or anything. The asexual person I spoke to had an intersex variation that had him being treated by specialists who naturally would have been on the case to make sure his hormones were balanced. But one professional who cared for him was disturbed that he never reported being attracted to or sexually interested in anyone, and so kept upping the dosage of testosterone until it hit dangerous levels because this professional believed sexual interest and attraction was very important to make him "normal." He told me testosterone at that level destroyed his equilibrium and made him angry and self destructive. When he later got a different doctor, he was told the levels he was on were dangerous and that he had experienced medical abuse. He thanked me for writing a book that helped free him from believing he had to be "sexual" to be healthy.
@@swankivy thats incredibly screwed up, for so many reasons. But one of those reasons? The doctor was using stereotypes about hormones to determine which hormone would even create sexual attraction. Data shows testosterone isnt even the only driver of sex drive...its a combination of them all, with effects being created from the different proportions of those chemicals to each other.
I just saw this video and even before watching, I wish I could kill this person's premise but I'm ace and male so I can't use myself as a counterexample :(
How narcissistic do you have to be to think that your experiences are everybody's experiences.
He paid lip service to "you don't have to have sex if you don't want to!" and "I don't want to change you!" but then still defaulted to the default ignorance of "but if a man and a woman are together and either one of them likes sex while the other doesn't, it WON'T WORK unless the one who doesn't like sex CHANGES to keep the other one happy." And I mean, he even tried to say she should "learn to like" sex, not "have sex even though you hate it," but that's still pretty horrible considering a potential solution he proposed was a one-sided relationship so "at least one person could be happy." Iiiiiinteresting, so interesting, that having an ace person be unhappy seems like a feasible solution to him while having a non-ace person be unhappy with the situation was a non-starter.
@swankivy I doubt he'd accept that he needs to "learn to like not having sex. "
@@mittenista 100% True! But somehow if an ace and a non-ace date, we're the ONLY ones who should accept that we're "the problem" because their perspective is more popular. Gosh! It really is like some of these guys think we're having relationships AT them, doing something to them, while if they find themselves in the situation where they're unsatisfied, they're victims. Every relationship participant should be able to be happy in the relationship on everything that matters to them! How they figure it out varies a lot! This guy needs to get out of other people's business.
People need to learn that every relationship functions differently and it is ok.That guy was wasting his time getting angry that other relationships don't function like his
Good point. I think he was just indignant at the idea that some asexual person might be depriving a man he relates to of sex in a relationship, and thought I needed to disseminate the information to my community that ace people need to stay away from non-ace people in relationships. Funny how the same people are NEVER upset at the idea of asexual people feeling like they have to "learn to like sex" (translation: do it more or less whenever the other person wants and not complain about it) or struggling in relationships because they're being pressured into unwanted sex. Hey, after all, it's better (as he said) if only one person (the non-asexual person) in the relationship is happy than if both are unhappy!
Sexuality is mostly an internal discovery,people just act like sexuality is a body thing or something that you should physically explore all the time in order to truly know yourself.We really need to redefine what sexuality is.Hopefully in the future the study of asexuality will become better
I think you're right here. I've been told stuff like that asexual romantic people should "figure your situation out before you try to date people!" but like . . . how are you supposed to just figure it out without existing in the world and interacting the way you've been told you should want to? It's not just a thing you figure out alone in your head. Thinking and talking to others is necessary for certain kinds of understanding. People expect "figuring out" our sexuality to look similar to the way other people do, when in fact when we try to figure it out the way they do, we mostly get more questions than answers.
Small correction, I believe (and I can't remember if I've said this before) - I understood recently that the 1% thing comes from a UK study. 1% of the UK is ace. We're tiny. I wonder how big that number actually is then if we consider every other place in the world. I wonder how much of America is Ace XD
Not sure how that's a correction on anything I said though--I know where the first study came from (made reference to it in my book a good decade ago). The 1% is a very generalized figure that people have been quoting for a long time (and of course it makes a lot of assumptions that the initially surveyed population is representative, which it may not be), but Anthony Bogaert kicked off his research in Canada and the USA based on that initial number and wanting to study the group that showed up in that UK study. Other research that builds on those numbers still ballparks at 1%, though of course that expands a little if you also broaden the definition to include people anywhere on the ace spectrum.
@@swankivy It's a correction on the 1% thing and I thought I should bring it up that it was the UK study only that was the 1% but it was labelled as worldwide, to my understanding. So for this long we've thought that was the entire world and it doesn't make sense, there can't be that few? Especially not with several new rounds of generations since. I've met more ace people than deal people and deafness should be a higher percentage. Unless they're all behind a portal somewhere XD
@@Roadent1241 I'm not sure who you're saying labeled it as if the study was worldwide--since I saw the statistic, I've seen it both acknowledged that it originally came from a UK study (with only 18,000 people) and that we're generalizing when we assume that number applies to other populations. I don't think it's a misrepresentation to use that number. If there's a reason to go in depth enough to quote the source, I've always pointed out where it came from.
@@swankivy I understood it was labelled as worldwide/the entire population of earth since it's not been called 'the 1% of the UK'. Only saw that was the possible correction recently which makes me wonder what the overall number actually is, just slept lots since so I can't remember what name was attached.
1 percent is still enough to let us take over denmark like the memes say, if we put all the 1 percent of aces together we make a country. It feels like people don't realise how big 1 percent is.
Revisiting this many years later now that Gloria is an adult and more information is available to us, I see this in a different light. She was a child taken advantage of by grifter parents. I hope her life is easier and more normal now. Still, thank you for this coverage you did at the time, this was and still is a very entertaining video.
I think it's very true that her parents were grifters and encouraged her to behave badly, though as an adult she continued to lie and misrepresent herself and be nasty to "haters" (aka people who asked questions that made her look bad or called out lies). I'm certain that many of the worst things we saw out of the Tesch camp were not her ideas, sure, but at a certain point in your life you do have to start owning up to the lies you've told and damage you've done, and even as an adult she was writing fake blog posts pretending to be celebrity news coverage about herself and misrepresenting her status and education. But I haven't been worried about her or following what she's doing since her poorly conceived marketing efforts crossed paths with my literary criticism community--in other words, I didn't go out searching for her, and didn't continue to pursue information about her once she stopped inserting weird lies into my communities.
Hold it, he was allegedly a Psychology major and giving that kind of replies? Yikes. 😬
RIGHT?? Talk about argument from authority and misusing your credentials. (If he actually even had them.)
I have never formally come out. I have always told people I wasn't interested in things like that. Interestingly, my mom never had a problem with it UNTIL I started calling myself asexual. Now, I have no problem using the term to English speakers. I am lucky, that very few people in my daily life have a problem with it. Explaining it to non- English speakers (read scammers) is a pain. I still explain I am not interested and why but, It is STILL a pain. The only reason I let it go on as far as it does is if they are spending time talking to me that means less people for the scammer to scam.
6:17 Wow. Who would be so misguided to say something that mean. Sending that person a hug, too.
Right? "YOU being part of a group would make them less legitimate." Who frigging says that??
The channel delivers! I love it so much
I’m going to be meeting a guy I used to hang out with back in high school. I honestly can’t remember anything about him other than that he was always trying to have sex with as many girls as possible. I’m hoping our conversation doesn’t devolve into a discussion about his “conquests” from the past 40 years because I really don’t want to talk about that subject My knowledge of my sexuality has grown so much since then and I’m not sure I want to explain it all to him. I’m hoping he’s grown too.
Oh, I hope it goes well. Never very nice to compare experiences and find that a person has a different measure of success than you do and is going to judge you for it. Here's hoping he's matured.
@@swankivyIt went about as well as possible. The subject didn't really come up. The roles are kind of reversed now. He's found Jesus and I'm an Atheist now. He asked me why I was an Atheist (by asking me if God had gone away), and I wanted to say something really profound and movie quote-ish like, "What I thought was Catholicism, was really my ace-ness." But I didn't, because our other fan pretty stepped in and said he didn't think we should talk about religion.
I will only share my asexuality with people that I feel would understand it. That is not foolproof either because there's plenty of lgbtqia+ people that are still aphobic. I have met plenty of wonderful queer ace allies though. There are also a lot of people in my life who don't take me seriously for the way I live my life. Telling those people about asexuality won't change anything. So I'm happily openly ace but only with the cool people.
Legit. And you're right that there are many people you'd think would be cool to talk to about it who actually aren't. No point in insisting on talking to people who have made a point of not listening!
Happy New Year! I needed this video, I'm asexual and I was pretty involved in the ace community (both online and off) in my teens/early 20s, but now that I'm in my 30s I've sort of stepped back from that and have mostly just been living my life, and been much more circumspect about coming out, and I feel kinda bad about it, like I've abandoned the community or something. But I haven't in my heart, I've just been kinda flying under the radar. So it's nice to hear some validation for that. 💜
I relate to this! I was much more active on my blog with ace stuff ten years ago, but nowadays the only ace stuff I do is respond to interviews when I'm asked and make a video for this channel once a month. Sometimes I feel like I should do more, and other times I feel like I kind of did my thing already and it's time to let new voices have the spotlight, but it's not an either/or situation, so sometimes I think about whether more contributions would be helpful. I guess on some level I've wanted to just "be an ace person" without being in activist mode all the time for a while.
@@swankivy You deserve it! You've done so much for the community!
Good to see you swankivy love you're intelligent channel you're are a fun person iam asexual and aromantic channels like yours is the only connection i have in ths oversexualised world
There is something wonderfully ironic about her filing a DMCA takedown against you, only for her to feature footage of you in her music videos.
A bunch of people who excerpted her work in any way got DMCA'd. Maybe they figured if we wanted to fight back we'd have to disclose our legal identities (that's what you have to do to counter a claim) and they really wanted to have that information or something. Jokes on them, though; if someone sees images of me in her work and decides I must have been this terrible person and looks me up, they'll also see my description of these activities and learn how ridiculous the Tesch machine always was. And if they have no idea who I am from looking at a picture of me, then it has no impact whatsoever. Weird that whoever's idea that was would WANT people to come see what I said, but the family does not seem to have been blessed with many good ideas in their lives.
Peridot and Lapis 😭💙💚