I was already told multiple times that a non ace female would never date an ace man, obviously the person had a above average sex drive compared to other people. Meaning, its literally impossible to stereotype a women as someone who would "tolerate" a ace partner because everyone is different. Everyone goes through different life paths, and values different aspects of a relationship. Boiling it down to just se* is just inaccurate and harmful. Frequently, commenters just project their needs onto everyone else because its hard to imagine that your default life experience isnt similar to everyone else's experience. This is the same type of projection behavior narc abusers engage in, fearing everyone is just as cruel as them. I also want to point out the commenter's first comment implied "if my friend decided to marry an ace girlfriend" (ie: his friend valued the person for different reasons than him) "id try to dissuade him". So even in his example, he admits people would WANT to marry despite those different desires and interests. Yet he would try to enforce his values and needs onto his friend? Shitty friend if you ask me .

People need to learn that every relationship functions differently and it is ok.That guy was wasting his time getting angry that other relationships don't function like his

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

Good point. I think he was just indignant at the idea that some asexual person might be depriving a man he relates to of sex in a relationship, and thought I needed to disseminate the information to my community that ace people need to stay away from non-ace people in relationships. Funny how the same people are NEVER upset at the idea of asexual people feeling like they have to "learn to like sex" (translation: do it more or less whenever the other person wants and not complain about it) or struggling in relationships because they're being pressured into unwanted sex. Hey, after all, it's better (as he said) if only one person (the non-asexual person) in the relationship is happy than if both are unhappy!

"in a one sided relationship at least one person is happy" "compromise makes both partners unhappy". If this guy thinks COMPROMISE makes both people unhappy....my god....that explains so much....because if it does make both people unhappy, you are not actually compromising.

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

Very true (and again, makes it clear what perspective he's REALLY coming from even though he kept paying lip service to not wanting to change us). He doesn't actually know what a compromise is. And sounds pretty damn selfish too, considering he sees "anything that doesn't completely meet the amount of sex I want to have, in the ways I want to have it" as "basically unacceptable."

9:00 BINGO! "Such relationship would have no appeal to me! (the man, with the high sex drive)". Oh my god, its almost like that was a Freudian slip! Its almost like he himself even understand hes projecting. Hes getting offended at the idea that he sees other people being happy, and almost seems to be *offended* that they would be happy despite his needs not being prioritized.

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

Yeah really. Conversation could have been over very quickly if he could accept "OK, then we both agree we shouldn't, personally, get into relationships we both don't want? Sounds great, but I actually mean that for everyone, while you only mean it for the relationships you personally relate to."

11:40 just because someone has a high sex drive doesnt mean they value satisfying that need more than other elements of happiness created by the other components of the relationship. He jumps from condeming a statement you didnt even make. You can have a high sex drive and have alot of interest in being with an ace partner if you value other elements of the relationship. It seems like the guys that get offended and lash out at asexuality are the type of guys who got upset they didnt get the sex they wanted in their life, they are all grumpy about feeling owed it, and stamp their feet on the ground and go "im not bad for telling them I SHOULD get this. Im not the bad guy for being mad you said no, thats normal dammit!" Uh its not normal. lol.

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

That's right, if other things are more important to you, you might still prefer to be with a specific person who doesn't satisfy one preference. Not to mention there are quite a few other ways to get that desire met that don't require a non-sex-desiring ace person to give it to you against their will. Time and time again, super selfish people insist that sex above all else is a need that cannot be compromised on and ANYONE's relationship because it's some kind of universal understanding that sexual compatibility is at the tippy top of the pyramid in terms of needs. I'm so tired of people like him trying to tell people who are minding their business that they aren't doing relationships right.

8:25 "most people would reject a relationship where sex is not a regular feature"....then why ....in his own example....did he talk about needing to "convince his friend" to not knowingly marry an asexual person? Why would you need to give that advice if your presumption in that statement is true? Shouldn't people automatically sort themselves into your claimed universal rule ? Of course thats hypocritical ...and his own statements disprove his logic. "Hey your going against what I assume is everyones experience friend! Dont do it! You will disprove my belief that everyone wants what I want! " I just find it ironic and hilarious...that his first statement literally contradicts the "universal rule" hes pushing. I understand he was not using a real world example. But its just weird and creepy he would try to get between two people in love who want to marry eachother after determining everyones needs are being met. Its reminisitent of anti gay movements, where straight people who get involved in other couples lives going "hey hey hey! I know your claiming to be happy! But your not! Trust me, you like (opposite gender)!"

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

Great point! If it's so OBVIOUS that any "sane" man with a sex drive would never date an ace woman, then why would he need to spread the word at all? Silly. Guess it all goes back to some of these people believing that if we're supporting, participating in, or organizing social movements, we're granting ourselves power that could drown out the status quo. So many of these weirdos seem to think we have the ability to trap them in relationships or marriages that they'll then be sexually unfulfilled in, and the only solution they can think of is to either stop them before they start or make sure it's us that is unhappy instead. And yeah, people speaking for other people is always suspicious. Their points tend to depend on rewriting thoughts for other people, while our points literally push to expand the understanding of what kinds of diverse perspectives and thoughts people are bringing to the table.

Was surprised how long the toy point took. Why give up a loving companion over 🎷 when all you have to do is literally shove it?

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

I really shouldn't have had to explain to him that people have different ways of getting off and sometimes those ways are just as acceptable and make the person feel just as loved even if their partner doesn't want to personally have sex, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not everyone who is in love gets their sexual needs met with each other, and I shouldn't have had to explain to him that not every asexual person is opposed to having sex. He certainly could have done just a teeny bit of research before telling us how we should be running our relationships. But even though I shouldn't have had to trot out a bunch of options, sometimes eventually getting to that point is effective (or at least useful to someone reading the conversation, if not to the person I'm actually talking to).

1:49 I remember you commenting on a case where an ace person got put on a dangerous amount of testosterone in an attempt to "fix" it. Do you remember what or when that was?

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

This was a personal story told to me by the person who experienced it, face to face at an asexual conference (I believe it was 2015). I don't want to go into too much detail because it wasn't something I checked with the person about whether he wanted his story shared more widely, but he also didn't tell me not to tell anyone or anything. The asexual person I spoke to had an intersex variation that had him being treated by specialists who naturally would have been on the case to make sure his hormones were balanced. But one professional who cared for him was disturbed that he never reported being attracted to or sexually interested in anyone, and so kept upping the dosage of testosterone until it hit dangerous levels because this professional believed sexual interest and attraction was very important to make him "normal." He told me testosterone at that level destroyed his equilibrium and made him angry and self destructive. When he later got a different doctor, he was told the levels he was on were dangerous and that he had experienced medical abuse. He thanked me for writing a book that helped free him from believing he had to be "sexual" to be healthy.

@MrMasterDebate

4 ай бұрын

@@swankivy thats incredibly screwed up, for so many reasons. But one of those reasons? The doctor was using stereotypes about hormones to determine which hormone would even create sexual attraction. Data shows testosterone isnt even the only driver of sex drive...its a combination of them all, with effects being created from the different proportions of those chemicals to each other.

I want to see his reaction when I tell him everybody but the trans girl I've dated has been allo. One of them was for almost 5 years!! And it was an allo guy!! Sure I said I wouldn't do anything with him but I said he could do what he wanted with anyone as long as it wasn't me, but hey I wasn't trapping him. According to other people though that just means I'm not his girlfriend, I'm just a friend. I don't think friends kiss and cuddle. Well maybe cuddle but...! The ace, the trans girl, we barely lasted half a year. So umm... XD

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

It just goes to show that people like him don't realize that only SOME people have sexual compatibility as their NUMBER ONE REQUIREMENT. When being compatible sexually isn't the very first thing you think about when working out whether you want to be with someone, you can sometimes come to different conclusions, even if you're not on the ace spectrum and you're a cis dude. According to this guy I guess you should have gotten along most compatibly with with the ace girl! But somehow sexual compatibility wasn't what made or broke the relationship! It's like people are different or something! Haha!

guess im weird at this stage of my life if I liked her and she liked me that would be enough

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

I once knew someone who was more interested in making sure their romantic partner was willing to have multiple cats in the home versus whether they were sexually compatible. It takes all kinds, and it really betrays a closed mind when someone insists that his own priorities in a relationship are universal among people in his demographic.

@talthan

4 ай бұрын

well cats are important :) @@swankivy

How narcissistic do you have to be to think that your experiences are everybody's experiences.

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

He paid lip service to "you don't have to have sex if you don't want to!" and "I don't want to change you!" but then still defaulted to the default ignorance of "but if a man and a woman are together and either one of them likes sex while the other doesn't, it WON'T WORK unless the one who doesn't like sex CHANGES to keep the other one happy." And I mean, he even tried to say she should "learn to like" sex, not "have sex even though you hate it," but that's still pretty horrible considering a potential solution he proposed was a one-sided relationship so "at least one person could be happy." Iiiiiinteresting, so interesting, that having an ace person be unhappy seems like a feasible solution to him while having a non-ace person be unhappy with the situation was a non-starter.

@mittenista

4 ай бұрын

​@swankivy I doubt he'd accept that he needs to "learn to like not having sex. "

@swankivy

4 ай бұрын

@@mittenista 100% True! But somehow if an ace and a non-ace date, we're the ONLY ones who should accept that we're "the problem" because their perspective is more popular. Gosh! It really is like some of these guys think we're having relationships AT them, doing something to them, while if they find themselves in the situation where they're unsatisfied, they're victims. Every relationship participant should be able to be happy in the relationship on everything that matters to them! How they figure it out varies a lot! This guy needs to get out of other people's business.