It drives me mad that people can't accept the word no, especially when we ACEs don't want to have sex let alone to be relationship. No means no and respect the no!

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

It's weird also how sometimes no is okay but for us they want to interrogate it from every angle to make sure we haven't left any stones unturned for the possibility of being happy. Funny how they're not at all invested in all the other things that could be making aces happy and are fixated on this, while actively harming asexual people and eroding their sense of safety and self-worth by applying years of insistence that something is missing and wrong.

@Jessie_Renfro

2 жыл бұрын

@@swankivy I so agree to this! Do you think another factor is ego? They want to be in the right no matter what you say or prove, even enforce it.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@Jessie_Renfro Well, yes, though I think most people want to be in the right when they argue. The issue with this person and people who believe like them is that they're going around thinking how they live their lives is standard and good, and other people are missing out by not trying to be like them (even if they have no inclination). Conversely, they don't think about whether being like us is better (or even that it might be interesting). We're supposed to aspire to their standard but they never think about why we might like being who we are and what value that has.

@Chamelionroses

2 жыл бұрын

As a gray asexual that is married and happy without having sex...and never turned on by appearances of anyone... I get why some rather stay single and never marry. People get forced marriage as a thing and that is very wrong. I agree it is frustrating the way many thing marriage and having kids is more important than having a good mental health or being kind.

@Chamelionroses

2 жыл бұрын

@@swankivy so many have control freak issues and accepting no for an answer. Consent should be taught as sex ed for all kids but instead abstinent plus to be a baby factory later is taught.

"potentially beautiful, non-destructive activities should never be discarded out of hand" Having sex when you don't want to, with someone you don't want to have it with, can be potentially traumatic and leave lasting mental/emotional scars. I once joined a trans group where everyone was supportive until I mentioned being ace, then suddenly it was 'Well you can't really know you're trans until you've had sex (why???), you should find someone you trust and just get it over with." And honestly, I was horrified at the thought of treating sex as something you "just get over with". About a decade later I found someone I have developed such an attraction to and now ID as demisexual, but I honestly think if I had just "gotten it over with" with someone I wasn't even attracted to back then I would have a way less healthy relationship with sexuality in general. Also, surprise surprise, still trans.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, exactly! That's why it's so absurd to view sex as something you have to try to see if you like it, because WHETHER YOU WANT IT affects how much you enjoy it! It's like people who have an itchy rash telling me how good it feels to scratch, and if I don't have the rash then scratching isn't going to be for me what it is for them. ABSOLUTELY having unwanted sex is not particularly likely to just suddenly become beautiful if you're doing it knowing you don't desire it! (And like I said in the video, the activities I tolerated in the past that weren't sex but can lead to it for some people were not enjoyable in the ways these people insisted they should be, so it's pretty clear THEY are the ones who don't have a realistic understanding of what I will enjoy.) I'm glad you didn't listen to those people and push yourself into sex too, and I absolutely agree that you likely have a healthier relationship with sex, sexuality, and your body than you would have if you'd just picked someone to get sex over with. (Part of the reason I even tolerated some of those experiences was this very argument: that I couldn't know until I tried, so I tried certain things BASICALLY SO THEY WOULD SHUT UP ABOUT HOW I CAN'T KNOW. Surprise, surprise, they STILL kept telling me that I needed to keep trying them and maybe my tastes would change or I need to try it a different way or with someone else or find something else similar that I do like. Trying once does not shut those people up! We shouldn't be pursuing intimate experiences to satisfy other people's standards on how much experience we have before we earn the right to describe ourselves!)

@jossposs3400

2 жыл бұрын

It's so sad when even people who know what it's like to "just know" can't accept it. And I like the anology with the rash, might use it in the future.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@jossposs3400 Yep! Basically they're saying "hello, I'm a hypocrite, I think my judgment is trustworthy and that I can make decisions based on my inclinations, but I don't offer you the same trust because you didn't come to the same conclusions I did." The rash thing is a good analogy, though usually I just say "itching" or something. Scratching an itch feels way different from scratching a part of your body when it doesn't itch, even though maybe it can still be, like, nice or at least not terrible.

@Roadent1241

2 жыл бұрын

I don't know if this sent last time. I've got to the point where I'm responding to "Well how do you know you don't like it if you've never tried it" with "You wanna be st*bbed? I've always enjoyed the idea of doing that, why don't you try that, it sounds like fun~??" or "Why don't you hug a catcus then~? What do you mean no???? Everybody does it!!" or eating a raw mouse organ (if one has cats) or something else we AUTOMATICALLY know is bad or uncomfortable/unhealthy. I'm not planning on traumatising myself thanks, stupid allos.

@nessyness5447

2 жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 i guess this is the only " advantage" i have as a sex indifferent ace( i consider myself indifferent and not sex positive cause i can be ok with sex , but only if it's like a super sporadic thing and if it's entirely up to me, it just won't happen, like i don't mind it once in a while maybe, but if you don't bring it up, neither will i) who has been sexually active before even having the right info to be able to realize i was ace ( tho i did suspected it at 17...and discarded it because i liked to read smut of an anime character and could have fantasies that never involved real people or me unless it was through an " avatar oc" of sorts, you can imagine how hard i facepalmed once i investigated the acespec again years later and read about aegosexuality). They can't tell me the " you haven't tried it" thing, cause i have been there, done that, found it unremarkable and very tiring. In short, no one is missing anything.

Hello, I just found your channel and wanted to say that it's really nice to see a (relativly to me) older asexual person being out and about in the internet as the other people I have found and followed are all in their early/mid twenties. It's heartbreaking to see that no matter your age, people will still be condescendent and act as if you were a capricious child who just doesn't know what's good for them. Anyways, sorry for the long comment, and thanks for these videos !

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Long comments are fine, I make long videos! Thanks for checking out my stuff! It's kinda sad that we have so few older asexual people in the community for the next generation to look up to, but we're here! You might also wanna check out Ace Dad on Twitter and Tiktok (Cody)--he's really cool too and has some nice visibility and reassurance for people who are sick of not being taken seriously because they're young. But yeah, it does really suck that there's no magic age threshold you can cross where people will give up and say "okay, okay, I guess she really is asexual." They'll just keep saying you didn't figure out REAL happiness and that you're immature. I have a couple videos on this Letters series (63 and 64) where I get harassed by someone who said I "live a regressive life" and can't face "adult" relationships because I am stunted and a child. She became super abusive and tried to shame me. (Hilariously. But it's terrible.) I deconstructed her nonsense and showed why she's not only wrong but unspeakably cruel to talk like that.

something interesting about sexuality is that enjoying a sexual experience with someone doesnt have to mean youre attracted to that person. how else can you explain the experiences of straight women who kissed or had a sexual experience with another woman and liked it even though they arent attracted to women the way they are to men. i also know a lot of ace people that have enjoyed sex without feeling sexual attraction to that person. this person commenting in your video continually tries to equate sexual attraction with enjoying sex, which is obviously not the case, but i used to make the same mistake. it doesnt take a lot of thinking to realize you dont have to be attracted to someone to enjoy sex.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, very true! Before there was a community to discuss these things, I just assumed it was all one thing I didn't like because I wasn't into any of it, but people who enjoy sex or sexual experiences DON'T necessarily have to be attracted to the person to have it be fine with them. It takes all kinds and "I'm asexual / I'm not sexually attracted to anyone" is not a synonym for "I do not like sex / I know I could not like sex," even if both of those things are true of some people. It's just weird how inappropriately invested some people get in wanting us to try sex when that shouldn't be anyone's business but ours, and considering how compelling sex seems to be for people who desire it, I think we'd be able to figure it out without their help. I'm sure all these nerds would have a similar story to my conversation partner though, about some individual person they knew who hated sex, got talked into it, and became a raging nymphomaniac afterwards so how can I possibly know that wouldn't be you? Welp, everyone gets to make their own decisions so they really shouldn't be this fixated on whether I have sex.

It's amazing how they think comparisons to things like going skiing or trying beef are apt. We don't have a word for forcing someone to go on a ski trip when they're not interested, or putting beef into someone's food when they don't want to try it. We do, however have a word for when someone forces someone else to have sex. And it's a crime. No one should ever, ever be pressured into having sex. Great video as always.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Excellent point. And I bet the person who said this to me never felt they ought to just TRY going into a career that's largely based around their worst subject in school, because HEY YOU DON'T KNOW, YOU MIGHT FIND SOMETHING BEAUTIFUL AND LOVE THAT CAREER, right? Why close doors? Why close minds? It's just absurd. We're each the pilot of our own life. Why does someone else feel like taking my controls from me and making me land somewhere I didn't desire would be doing me a favor and making my life more "beautiful"?

@Roadent1241

2 жыл бұрын

Funnily enough, skiing isn't traumatising. Unless you crash. Up until that point....! Why do they think [non-traumatising thing] is the same as something that can be and has been easily used as a weapon?? My parents and aunt FORCED me to try food. That, I believe, traumatised me because they would yell at me for pulling faces and nearly sicking it back up before swallowing it. Funnily enough me deciding to try a new food ISN'T traumatising. Just like you say, we have a word for the forcing of screwing. Why is it 'OK' just because THEY'VE said yes to themselves??

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 Well said. And yeah, even though for most people trying new things like skiing and foods is a neutral, risk-free activity, you can easily, EASILY think of situations where people would know without trying that they have a strong disinclination to a sport or a food--maybe because some aspect of the sport harms them, or maybe some aspect of the food smells bad or is too similar to something they've had before that is gross to them. And it doesn't even have to be associated with a bad experience--it can just Not Be Interesting. It's great if some people can just try sex out of curiosity and not be harmed or whatever. But it's really not the experience even THEY want us to have if we have to force ourselves (or, you know, be forced by another party). Thing is, if sex was viewed by society like it was just another hobby, just another fun thing you could do, very few people would be invested in trying to make us change our minds about inviting it into our lives, so that right there proves there's something very different about sex versus trying a food or experimenting with sport.

That some allos can´t even imagine not wanting sex shows how sex centered the world can be and how these things, when never questionend, just confuse people so much when they encounter people who just break this view.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yep. They expect us to experiment exhaustively and constantly hold the door open to the possibility that we're wrong about ourselves, but it never occurs to them whatsoever that they've never considered our perspective or wondered whether our experience is valuable or appropriate for us. They assume we're missing out by not being them, when we could never be them and they don't think about the value of being us.

I know the commenter provided the skiing analogy but you did such a good job exploring it that it's pretty solid on it's own. I'd change it to snow-boarding though just because you can add that maybe the person tried skateboarding and didn't like it.

People that insist one must have sex to know preference or what turns one on. I have to wonder if some have an asexual fetish or hate hobby. Some incels ( whom call themselves so) are very self destructive and some very dangerous even to those that do not define themselves as feminist. I am sure many are very hateful to all asexuals. It seems that there is more hate that has increased but started with self hatred sadly. Hope your day is a good one.

@nessyness5447

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah, it's weird, like sure, some ace people( myself included) didn't realize they were ace until presented with the actual situation or after doing it, but obviously there can be other many people who have it very clear without ever having sex. Like many other things in life.

@Chamelionroses

2 жыл бұрын

@@nessyness5447 I as well married and had kids. I was ace since even my teen years for sure but didn't know of such. Religion pushes often marriage and children as something to seek besides most straight people I know as traditional. Love my kids and spouse but I know I am what I am.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah. There really are some people out there with a nonsensical crusade to convert us. Wonder what bug got up their butt so hard that they want to devote a bunch of time to telling people what they should be doing with their sex lives. I've been attacked by incel jackasses before. One of my videos (Letters 73, I think it is) contains some responses to dudes who are slinging those MRA terms and fixating on how I MUST be tricking men into paying for dates and then laughing all the way home at the free food and wine I'm bilking them out of while not offering the mutually understood currency of sex in return. One of them just kept trying to put me in that corner insisting that I was doing this to men even though I literally don't date men, ever. And yeah, most of the people claiming they know how sexual attraction works better than I do would certainly tell you they wanted to have sex before they actually had sex. It generally isn't jump-started by someone doing sex to you.

@nessyness5447

2 жыл бұрын

@@swankivy like, even if a woman is not asexual,she still doesn't owe a man sex in exchange for him paying for a date or for anything, in general. Wtf.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@nessyness5447 Exactly. It really is frightening that they think that way in the first place, but it's one of those MRA and incel tropes going around in the manosphere: that bitches are deliberately creating situations where they will KNOW sex is EXPECTED but then exploit these perceived loopholes where they don't have to follow through. You can see in the guy's "you know he isn't talking to you for NON-SEXUAL encounters" accusation that he's one of these, and the manosphere's got him believing sex is an understood and deserved currency so hard that he literally thinks I'm cheating men out of it if I imply I've ever had any kind if relationship with a man in which I "deny" him sex. It's gross.

hi, im young and aroace, ive always sturggled with it. i tried to come to my brother but he didnt understand it, and its really hard to keep on explaining it to people. I really loved this video, and you hit all the points I was thinking about while listening to the commenter! It’s really nice to see more rep since so many people dont understand us! New subscriber

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

It's exhausting sometimes when you not only want to tell someone something personal about yourself but then you also have to engage in an education session about what it is, sometimes while they're denying that it exists and being really hurtful or dismissive without realizing it. I have a video somewhere on my channel with coming-out tips (I think it's Letters 16?). And if your brother ever was the type who would want to read about it, the book I wrote (The Invisible Orientation) has a section in it that's for loved ones of asexual people so they can understand better. It's hard to get people to be willing to educate themselves sometimes though.

Thats total nonsense you can identify as asexual of you have sex 1000 or if you never had sex we are all different you jnow you better than anyone you know if you are asexual ot not i have never had sex and i intend never ever to have sex you are awesome the way you are love you so much

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

That's right! But they want to make up weird rules to tell us all the standards for identifying as anything other than straight. All these hoops we're supposed to jump through before we can REALLY be sure. Who cares? And furthermore, if we're wrong . . . is that really such a terrible thing? Not as bad as harassing us into thinking we can't trust ourselves, that's for sure.

@liamodonovan6610

2 жыл бұрын

@@swankivy i totally agree with you we don't need anyone else to tell us who we are

Nice shirt! I just got my first tattoo it’s of the crystal gems.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

That's so cool! I don't do tattoos but if I did I'm sure an SU tattoo would be for me. I have a lot of merch though. This shirt is one of over 80 t-shirts in my collection!

Also I noticed quite the influx in views on this video and I assume the spotlight given by Jaiden Animations did that and her coming out as aroace gave a lot of people terms that explains a lot why they for example could not relate to allos and I hope this gives way more awarness to aces/aros ^^

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Hm, I didn't notice anything about views but I have gotten a lot of comments from people who said they're just getting into my videos and/or newly identifying as ace! I don't know who Jaiden is. Great to know anytime someone influential comes out, it helps people.

@aroace7913

2 жыл бұрын

@@swankivy I just saw that you hit almost 2k views on one day ^^

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@aroace7913 Yeah, I usually don't even really notice what the views are doing but that's a big jump.

Comments like these are so annoying because I am sex repulsed and asexual but honestly, I am a super curious person so I do feel like I want to try having sex. But I don't know how to do it in a way that would be safe for me and wouldn't traumatize me. When I imagine it I just feel like I would get a panic attack lol. So people saying to "just try it" are not helping at all, in fact they just trigger my anxiety around it more and make me less likely to do it.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yep. Some people are academically (or otherwise) curious about it gor non-attraction reasons and that's legit! I've heard a bunch of aces talk about that. "Just try it, it isn't a big deal" is the least helpful framing of the situation. Certainly demonstrates their close mindedness, not ours.

The mr universe shirt 😭 yessss

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

One of my 80+ SU shirts 😆

i think the starlight coke is good and i like it, but the people ive talked to about it either said it was meh or they didn't like it.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Seems like people who like Vanilla Coke also like this.

@Roadent1241

2 жыл бұрын

I don't know if we have it here in the UK, how's it differ from regular Coke?

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 To me it tastes like it has some vanilla in it. But people argue a lot about what they taste.

@ferninthehouse

2 жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 to me it tastes like cotton Candy kinda added but also nutmeg. I now that sounds weird but I like it

@ferninthehouse

2 жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 also cotton candy is candy floss if you don’t know

The commenter seems confused about sex and relationships in general. The ex-lesbian she kept talking about didn't just one day decide to have sex with a man. She developed an attraction to him first. Oh, and I pretty sure she is slightly homophonic and thinks that person is now straight instead of possibly being bi. I had a sexual experience once and I was all for it. (it was mostly fooling around but, still) I didn't enjoy it one bit.

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

I know, I had that sense about the commenter too--you can kind of see how I pause and sigh when I get to the bit about how someone who THOUGHT she was a lesbian ended up with a man. And I was thinking the same thing--unless someone personally says "yeah I used to ID as lesbian and now I ID as straight," I don't assume that a women who realizes they can like men too has "become straight." (But that's a whole thing as you know, where bi people are perceived as having "picked a side" depending on what partner they settle down with, even though they're still attracted to more than one gender.) I'm sure the so-called ex-lesbian drove her OWN destiny once she felt something for the man that she didn't feel before, and I very much doubt it would have made any sense to pester her while she was still identifying as lesbian that she should try men. She probably also would have tried a man who didn't do anything for her if she was doing it for the sake of "trying" rather than "I feel attraction for this person." People who oversimplify these relationships and desires always get that wrong.

I am in a group of other Asexuals, we all agreed to try it and we all hated it, felt distressed and for some it forever changed them. Either way, none of us are attracted to other people which is the only criteria :p People shouldn't talk Abt what they don't know

@swankivy

2 жыл бұрын

Yep, and I'm sure trying it once wouldn't be enough for some people to leave you alone either, so why not make it none? That's horrible that the pressure led some people to be hurt. I hate so much that we're harassed into doing stuff for perceived legitimacy even though a) it doesn't even work and b) the cost can be too high.