I'm reminded of a former best friend that I had from high school. She was the first person I came out to (partly by showing her one of your videos to be like "see how silly people act towards asexual people?") and her response was to tell me that I wasn't ace because we'd talked about sex before and I'd had a "relationship", so I couldn't be asexual. And when I expressed to her that I found it strange that she assumed she knew what I felt better than I did, she kind of switched gears and told me that I shouldn't label anything and I should watch out because "what if you're alone forever and end up miserable?" or "what if it's just body image issues?". I did end up ending that friendship a while later over unrelated things, but it took me years to unpack how f-ed up her reaction was because I had also just found out that feeling no attraction at all was also possible; being invalidated at that point in time made it harder to work through my own internalized aphobia. I'm saying this, because it's crucial that people are aware of asexuality. They or someone they know might be ace and just carry so much internalized aphobia and heteronormativity/amatonormativity that it wouldn't even cross their mind that not fitting into that picture is even possible. I'm certain that my life would have made me miserable if I'd forced myself to be in sexual relationships and participate in the associated activities instead of what I do now (which is sit at home crocheting, drawing, playing videogames, and in general just minding my own damn business). I am so thankful that I met another aroace person at university who made me start questioning; if I hadn't, I might not have realized at all, and that's largely due to the lack of accurate representation in media.

@swankivy

Жыл бұрын

So sorry you went through that with your ex-friend. It can be baffling to bring an important part of yourself to the surface and have it misunderstood, framed incorrectly, and dismissed. I HATE when people suggest our orientation doesn't need a name (hello! things that exist have names! when something doesn't have a word, we treat it like it doesn't exist! and that's the problem!). She should have listened to you instead of characterizing it as a body image "problem" or a label that would prevent you from happiness or insisting you can't be ace if you've ever had a relationship, for cheese's sake. I feel you on the issue of being relieved at not having swallowed society's expectations like a bitter pill. There was a time in my life when I thought I would HAVE to stay in a relationship that was making me miserable and I literally thought the only way I could get out would be to let it drive me actually to insanity and let them lock me up so I wouldn't have to deal with it. I actually had mental images of hiding in an institution for the rest of my life and finding that preferable to being with the person. I'm so glad I eventually figured out how to assert myself and prioritize my needs and not let others just tell me what I'm supposed to want and need. I'm so glad you moved past that idea too, though it sucks that you had to just get lucky enough to be exposed to the idea. It's awful to think there are many of us out there who won't get their lightbulb moment ever or only after years of misery.

He sounds like Alex Jones trying to sell his filters. All this time I thought the unfiltered water was making the frogs gay, now the fluoride is making people ACE? My word, people. 😂

I have now watched all 104 of your letters to an asexual! Definitely hoping to get your book too.

@swankivy

Жыл бұрын

That is an incredible accomplishment, going through my entire backlog like that! I have enjoyed getting your comments. :)

@pineapplewhatever5906

Жыл бұрын

@@swankivy Update: I have just bought your book!

@swankivy

Жыл бұрын

@@pineapplewhatever5906 :) Thanks! Be advised it is 10-ish years old and some of the discussions in it are based on what the ace communities and broader queer communities were like then, not so much like they are now. A lot has changed.

@pineapplewhatever5906

Жыл бұрын

​@@swankivy It arrived!!!

That book sounds very interesting.

I think the phrase “You’re a narcissist!” ought to be added to Asexual Bingo, since even alleged “experts” are saying it.

@swankivy

Жыл бұрын

You're right. "Narcissism" is starting to really get thrown around a lot.

@Roadent1241

Жыл бұрын

How is that even supposed to fit?

@racheln8563

Жыл бұрын

@@Roadent1241 I’m thinking of one person in particular, Sam Vaknin, who posted a video about the “proud asexuality of the cerebral narcissist”, but I was also referring to the comments swankivy received in this video, calling her narcissistic for talking about her asexuality.

@Roadent1241

Жыл бұрын

@@racheln8563 Right but how do they think it fits when they do the same about their non-aceness? XD

Wow, I've been tired today too! Wonder what's happening.

@swankivy

Жыл бұрын

Well for me it was that I didn't go to bed until 6 AM the day before and then had to get up for work at 9.