For girls, being assertive feels like being aggressive, and the distinction between the two is important.

@zeynand4039

4 жыл бұрын

Exactlty!. Also when girls are beinf assertive, it is preceived as agressive, uncooperative or whatever because people are not used to assertive girls.

@whotookthacookie

3 жыл бұрын

Especially as a black woman; people immediately expect the "angry black woman" trope when all you want to do is express yourself and be assertive.

*I don't want your "sorry's'...just learn and move on" Grandpa joe would say to me.* My grandfather would give me ,heck ...for apologizing.. He always believed that compulsive apology's were a form of Manipulation and/or giving your power away. The only time I heard him say "I'm sorry....." was at a funeral.... "I am sorry for your loss" I later researched the word as a younge person...and discovered that the word SORRY ,...was used to express "SORROW" a feeling of regret ,feeling distress, especially through sympathy with someone else's misfortune. Yet today its used as a way to keep someone weakened and /or as a habitual behaviour , with little to no reason or genuine feeling. That's my 2 cents on it...

@KaoXoni

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you +Kanzee for sharing your Grandpa Joe! That way we can all add his voice to our own team of suppoeters, even if we did not happen to have anyone like him in our lives up til now. And Joe would be thrilled to find out about his ongoing impact as well.

I stopped saying I'm sorry after a chef in a kitchen I worked told me "stop saying you're sorry. what are you sorry for, you didn't do anything wrong!" It was such a habit to say I'm sorry because it's taught out of being polite or gracious. It's not. Now I still have like a ton of other stuff to free myself from, though yes I won't apologize for simple things that have nothing to do with doing anything wrong.

they should start teaching things like this at school

It’s incredible how qualifying words reduce the power of your intention and deny yourself the confidence of owning your thoughts and taking responsibility for them. A qualifying word is often used out of fear that the person receiving what you are saying will react badly, so you need to prepare them with qualifying phrases like: ‘it’s only this’ or ‘just’ that, in order to apologise for your presence and appear more ‘acceptable’ to the listener. Something I’ve caught myself doing in the past! Thank you Mel for another great inspirational video.

*That is a genius idea to replace 'sorry' with 'thank you'. It is like saying to the Universe. "I am not sorry that I am alive, I am grateful that I exist!"* I got into a habit of saying: "I am sorry!" all the time when I moved to live in a different country, language and culture. I thought that it was part of being polite and that I needed to do it. I was copying it from other people until it got stuck and I started to believe i about myselft. But I think that my big wake up call has come and gone. Because I do not give a f*ck anymore...I have been nice and sorry that I do exists and it did not lead me anywhere. *People started to treat me like I had something to be sorry about* ...nobody was happy about me, the least of them ME. And because I was never really sorry about anything anyway, really, if I looked at it, It was like lying to people all the time. I am not sorry. I am happy that I am. The world is a glorious place!

To say your sorry means you don't own your freedom to be yourself, There is no right or wrong there is progressive or destructive. You can choose your language and focus. You can choose your actions. As a coach Mel I use your work with clients so thank you.

Great topic. I hear this a lot in the work place, usually not men. There’s a book called ‘Hey Ladies. Stop Apologizing’! ‘ from Professor Maja Jovanovic that covers the research behind women apologizing compared to men.

I've have always had an awareness of this but it became much more into my view watching my youngest play High School Tennis. Talk about sorrys!! Those girls would apologize when they made a shot, missed a shot, got hit by a ball from other players....I couldn't believe how often it was said. I can't speak for men, but as women, we have got to work to change our language and stop being sorry for taking up space!

@KaoXoni

5 жыл бұрын

Same here with Badminton. What a sorry and useless behaviour.

“Having your own rules for what you will show up for and what you won’t...” ❤️❤️❤️

I loved the last part about negotiating and actually asking for what you want. If only we women asked we would certainly close the gender gap!

@keithherrera1038

4 жыл бұрын

The gender wage gap has been debinked so many times by so many sources I'm surprised people still mention it. "Using the statistic that women make 78 cents on the dollar as evidence of rampant discrimination has been debunked over and over again. That statistic doesn’t take into account a lot of choices that women and men make-education, years of experience and hours worked-that influence earnings." www.heritage.org/jobs-and-labor/commentary/pay-gap-myth-ignores-womens-intentional-job-choices

As a people pleaser, its imperative that i learn to break this habit because it does come from a low self confidence and feeling like my feels are lesser than space. Im not actually sorry i just say it to feel safe. Especially now that i run a podcast, i have to fight the urge to apologize every other minute lol. That thank you line was good. Nice vid!

amazing how it changes the mood of the person in front of you when you say "thanks for your patience" instead of "I'm sorry!" Thanks a lot Mel!

I LOVE this. It really is such an automatic thing to say "sorry". We are so easy to blame ourselves, even like in your example of you saying sorry to the other person who bumped into you.

Boy is she right, right out of the gate. I live in a country where everyone says they’re sorry all the time. But that sorry it’s for casual reasons, “oh sorry just getting by you here” in a shop or someplace. That doesn’t really count. No, the sorry that I would find I said came to sound like an attempt to be liked. Purely manipulative. When I came to be okay with the fact that there’s nothing good to come of making a goal of being liked for no reason by everyone I fortunately started to cop on. Too many people are too busy with other thing to be concerned about whether or not I’m evolving😂.

I do this all the time to my hubby. He is always telling me to stop because in my eyes I am being sincere but when you do it all of the time I guess it seems the opposite.

„Do not be sorry. Be better“

This is brilliant! I only realised yesterday how often I say "I'm sorry" so I will definitely be trying this! Thank you Mel!!! Xxx

It's also (at least for me) trying to fill an awkward silence, especially when the other person isn't saying anything. Even if I am bumped into and an "excuse me" would suffice. I am working at moving beyond feeling that I am responsible for filling those awkward silences, even when it feels uncomfortable, because the alternative is having that "foot stuffed in mouth" syndrome when I end up saying the complete opposite of what I really wanted to say!

The "normally I'm double" is a genius genius way to go about that

I Have a lot To Be Happy About In My Life Right Now

This so spoke to me today! I am constantly apologizing for everything and, most of the time, I don't even know why... habit? .... easier to deal with situation? ... I really can't point to one thing although I can honestly say I don't care for any of the reasons I can come up with. Your videos constantly make me look in the mirror and really think. Thank you for this topic today. I am calling Thursday my MEL DAY as I devoutly read each topic that you're sharing by email.

This is so true don't do it or think before u say something bad and then u don't need to apologize Example when one if the security guards told me at Mel's show out if blue U need to get out right away bc u got ur picture and autigram from her This was not nice what he said to me first I am close to my 60's second I have 2 Universities and 3 PhD. Third to a lady u can not talk like to a cow. So what I said is only It will be nice to talk nicer with people bc u might turn people away and they would never come back bc of you. He did not apologies at all And I love Mel very much and I had something very special for her. That's all. We all who are coming from Romania, Germany etc from Europe we have gifts for our lovely celebrities

I do this all the time and I remember last year watching a video with the exact line... Saying thank you instead of sorry.. Because we are basically saying sorry for being alive, for being ourselves... Thank you, Mel!! ❤ ❤ ❤

Almost on the same lines. When I started dating again after being a horrid relationship with Mr. Wrong. I decided to write out a list of what I would and would NOT accept. Before I would accept almost ANY behavior. I decided that THIS was not acceptable. Long story short, I FOUND Mr. Right, and we have been together in a FANTASTIC relationship for over 14 years.

So true! While im seeing this video i am rembering how many times i say im sorry when i didnt was guilty. Xoxo Colombia

@josephghassan3912

6 жыл бұрын

Valentina Lopez sorry to hear that / Thank you for sharing your it :)

"You always have leverage, because you can say no." Bam!

Words are being more powerful that's an eye opener thought @Mel must appreciate their patience for me getting late🎉 super tip will use it😊

Someone taught me to never say 'im sorry'. They explained that it's negative self talk. If you really have something to be regretful about then offer an apology, 'oh, I apologize'. We offer 'im sorrys' out of habit, without thinking and actual apologies we have to think about for a sec b4 we say them. AND the number of ugly self talk 'im sorrys' that our poor little egos have to hear add up super quick when it's our habit.

Absolutely right! I say it all the time and I have no idea why - I certainly don't have to be sorry for anything! I Thank you for giving us ways to make positive changes and asking for what I (we) want.

Great episode! I love the last part where you talked about negotiating. Good tips!

Very helpful. Thanks Mel!

People forget "sorry" means "sorrowful". Are you sorrowful for being late? Doubt it. Sorrow is for funerals.

This is amazing. Love the way Mel looks at things.

Love your honesty and vulnerability Mel. Good tips in there too for negotiating payment for being a speaker. Thank you xx

A great eye opener Mel!

Wardrobe always on point!

@melrobbins

6 жыл бұрын

Thank you for noticing! LOL! xo

@inkypie7142

6 жыл бұрын

NasIsLike seriously she has amazing style !

Learning so much from her.

I am so happy to hear this. I love the thank you statement. I realized I was doing this and have definitely tried to pay attention to break this habit.

I'm going to take that advice!!

I am mindblown! Definetly on another level. Well thank you for sharing this with the world Mel!

Wow! I was at that conference and loved your talk! Been following you ever since.

Thank you Mel!!

My God, this is so good, so important.

And really I love Mel Robbins and Tracy Locke bc they are so clever, brave and not a bit consided. In my eyes only stupid people are consided and they for sure are not populair

Love your words keep up the good work thank you for spiring me

Thank you for your help! I say sorry so much...I have my daughter saying it too! I hope we can both change!

This is interesting, I liked the title and was curious as this is also my present issue. Your final topic on money was also a present issue I have been going through so thanks for sharing it because every time I give a client a price I shrink inside hoping they do not have a problem with it. It's been a year since I increased my prices which attracted better clients also an actual profit to grow the business. Now I've learnt that my prices are still way lower loool! especially for complex jobs. So you approach in asking for a budget etc was nice to gauge the client I will try.

Oh.. This was so good... I am alwayssss always terrified to ask for money. This vdo has helped me a lot. Thank you Mel. Can you make some more vdo on the same subject.

when you hit someone at least you want to apologize... in other situations good idea to replace I'm sorry with thank you

Succinctly brilliant! I recognized ... once again, the equivocation, placation prefacing nonsense words littering my vocabulary - publicly and privately. Thank you! =)

“You drove over my grandmother with your car.” “Thank you. It was an accident.” 😂

Thank you!! :)

Awesome video. Best tools best advice...woa I work in 90% male environment (construction business), and I get bery nervous when I have to negociate but I totally see what you mean when we have to acknoledge and reverse the emotion that gets triggered whent in a confrontational meeting.

Very helpful!

My Mum once answered the door to the window cleaner and, since she just hadn't got her thoughts together yet, she just stared at him. He started to panic and then admitted he hadn't cleaned the small bathroom window but he would pop back up right now and fix it. She hadn't even realised. But by pausing it gave space for his guilt to come out.

That bit about the speaking business was really interesting. Could you talk more about how you moved into this after the ted talk?

awesome i started following you ..and its really nice to see how active u are i am preparing for my exam

I did criticize you many times.but,I really appreciate you this time.GREAT JOB,LIFE-GPS!

This is great !

So important

You're so good.. Good 😊

If Mel was my coach I would rule the world! Love u

loved it sorry means you are justifying urself wereas thank u means you matter to me

I cringe at how I speak. Hopeful to change! Thank you!

*thank you for your loss*

You are power!

lol I can so relate to this, especially the getting paid part!

I Over Apologize When I Have Done Nothing Wrong

I so have to set my rules! BTW, it seems unethical to not play all speakers when even one is paid unless there is a clear agreement to wave the pay for good reason. Especially if someone is profiting from a speaker's work. At the very least speakers should have travel and accommodation covered.

Im sorry !!

I do say I'm sorry when I am wrong.

To say "I'm sorry" is not a bad thing sometimes.. depends on the situation. If you're late for a meeting it sounds much better to say "Thank you for your patience"

Thank you mam

Good one

My stepmom hates it when I apologize. I feel like I should never say the word "sorry" to her again. I should just say "okay" from now on.

Like I said I have Got a lot to be Happy About In Life I Everything I Need ❤️❤️💖💖

Thx dear

I am going to use that: "Well, normally I am double." Hahhhaaa :D

So true !

Why is it is women have a tough time just being ourselves.... Alot of it comes from how we was brought up....

I stopped saying sorry from a long time , I just walk into the room and start asking people: how are you doing with a big smile in my face !!! Like it's a normal thing to be late sometimes .!!

@josephghassan3912

6 жыл бұрын

Janna Aden lol that would be funnier than saying sorry. Sometimes u need to fake it!

The mindfulness book "30 Days to Stop Apologizing" by Harper Daniels is helpful.

I like this

I have a question about this though -- If you "thank" someone else for their patience - doesn't that assume that they are willing to offer you their patience? Doesn't it take your coworker's forgiveness as a given - rather than something they have actually given or offered to you? It sounds like a way to empower yourself while taking someone else's power away.

that's true.

Beautiful

Mel is so cute/pretty

There are certain cultures in which women are not raised to apologise unnecessarily and therefore do not use qualifying language and neither inappropriately apologise. I wonder whether western women living in western countries have a tendency of over apologising.

I always say sorry when im walking past a person for example “excuse me... sorry”

@vaughntonkin539

3 жыл бұрын

No need to

I don’t go To Women I let Them Come To Me ❤️❤️💖💖

All the Canadians here be like "stop saying sorry 🧐?" 😳😂🇨🇦🤷‍♀️

In my eyes, Mel, you're worth MILLIONS!!!

WTH with this "not asking to be paid for the work" attitude? I gave away soooo much of my work for free in my life it actually makes me feel ashame and as a total loser. I can't count all the times I felt too shy to ask to be paid adequatly and fair. So many times I agreed to work below my worth, because it felt like a pollite or right thing to do. Is this something we women are being programmed? Since it seems like a common experience for so many women worldwide, is it a heritage of ages of patriarchate?

Good video, but I wish you elaborated on why the word “actually” is bad

From New Zealand -

The interviewer is not confident. She looks retracted and her voice sounded like she wanted to hide. Mel projects her voice and her posture exudes confidence.

Learned so much from this, and esp. the last part. Thank you! (on a mission to watch EVERY one of your videos on YT, while taking #BESTDECADE)

Hahaha thats so funy So me Terrified to ask to get paid

Great wage negotiation at the end there; starts out flexible _and_ obscures that you don't have full information. I'm surprised and disappointed that that women's conference didn't _offer_ you payment. It's not a good way for the organisers to build lasting relationships with the speakers.

@KaoXoni

5 жыл бұрын

Plus, it's so paradoxical inauthentic and contrary to the professed goal of empowering women if the organizers of these conferences covertly screw over the role models whom they present on stage.