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The door slam is a direct result of knowledge concerning the human condition & what a waste of time it is to further engage some people....

@exile3119

4 жыл бұрын

Well said! 😊

@MariaBM1

4 жыл бұрын

YESSS!!

@paulajaymie6935

4 жыл бұрын

This is so true!

@oceanlover2426

3 жыл бұрын

💯

Agree. And would add that its not a punishment. We don't necessarily door slam people because of what they have done but because it will continue. Its the future suffering we don't want to suffer through. It would make as much sense to us as staying in burning house. We feel an instinct actually to protect ourselves fiercely from it.. hence slam. .

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

Agreed!

@ruth_6303

5 жыл бұрын

The 'door slamming' thing is similar to being in a 'kill or be killed' situation. However instead of 'killing' aka vengeance, we decide to DISARM. Door slamming is a way to disarm an 'opponent' and remain civil at the same time. This ensures that the negative/toxic person/situation doesn't have the ability to hurt us anymore.

@RobertEWaters

4 жыл бұрын

@@ruth_6303 "Civil?" Really?

@margaritarobertson6737

4 жыл бұрын

So true!

@gerbenhoutman9348

4 жыл бұрын

@@RobertEWaters More civil than "killing" them. We have done everything possible, shown every bit of patience, still they attack who we are at our very soul. Hence, the door slam. Self centered people often can't hear us because we are speaking as a friend. We are their friend, until the slam. A slam that would never take place if they are our true friend. If all this sounds too complicated, even insane... You are not worthy. :) lol

The 'door slamming' thing is similar to being in a 'kill or be killed' situation. However instead of 'killing' aka vengeance, we decide to DISARM. Door slamming is a way to disarm an 'opponent' and remain civil at the same time. This ensures that the toxic person/situation doesn't have the ability to hurt us anymore. Door slamming is an act of self preservation.

@fernandocastro4107

4 жыл бұрын

But to some of us, we can use it as a punishment to let them know that if they keep treating others the same way, they will get the same results....

@light9623

4 жыл бұрын

Yeah or I don't want YOU ANYMORE...HERE! And then....let me make this happen for you, SLAM! Ahhhh that's done.

@Godinchamp_digitals

3 жыл бұрын

You're right. It's a precautionary measure of protecting one's mind and trying to remain sane at the same time. For if you don't put around you that impenetrable invisible wall, they will treat you the same way again or even worse and when you finally blow up (for you've bottled a lot inside already), they will be like what had come over this person, thinking you're mentally unstable, only to add more to the contradictions they have towards you. And in order to avoid that, the door slamming becomes inevitable and the last option to put an end to being treated inhumanly.

@rmcd823

2 жыл бұрын

Very well explained.

@beautifulinterlude7044

2 жыл бұрын

Well said. Ppl tend to take our kindnesses for weaknesses not understanding we are naturally masters at the art of war, at the end of the day we’re not gonna let you take us out the game emotionally, there’s always gonna be a light bulb moment where we come to the conclusion through the drama that you just don’t have to be in our life anymore

When I door slam the person it's either their actions are continually toxic OR there's no way talking/ making sense of their actions for hurting me. I had enough. No explanations required. I just shut you out of my life. I don't hate you, I nothing you.

@MariaBM1

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, this describes my take on the doorslam too. We just want them gone.

@rainellefluck21

4 жыл бұрын

I Agree completely with the infj door slam. Sometimes I just don't understand when you are perfectly clear to the person that you are sick of them hurting you, and they continue their shirt what else is left, DOOR SLAM THEM . PERIOD!

@NakedInPlayground

4 жыл бұрын

Exactly ! Especially after confronting the person about their actions but not seeing any change or improvement...

@fionaowen5164

2 жыл бұрын

@@MariaBM1 this is me I don't hate just don't care I take for ever to do it but when it's done it's over for ever no anger no hate no regrets I need peace that's end of

@johnstorton

2 жыл бұрын

Agree. I don't look at it as a "door-slam." I look at it as a simple "walk-away."

I think because when we, as INFJs, bring into attention of what's bothering us, we do it in a way as to not upset the other person. So the other person feel that it's not such a big deal, so the slight continues. That's when we bring it up again, but the other person still doesn't take it seriously and the cycle continue until we finally door slam. The door slam from an INFJ feels very cold to the other person because when in connection with an INFJ that other person will receive love and light, then all of a sudden that love and light is gone in an instant. It's like having a warm fire at a camp and getting use to it being there. But when that fire goes out, you realize you're left in the cold. You only realize that you've taken that fire for granted once feeling the contrast of the cold.

@yashashwineerai4112

4 жыл бұрын

Oh my god, a revelation to me. Thank you.

@Elovexxx

3 жыл бұрын

Wow, that’s beautiful.

@fuhtsgeorge7663

2 жыл бұрын

Ive stopped caring whether I upset them or not in the beginning, it doesn’t mean I respect or love them any less, i love boundaries I love me.

@I-Am-Prosperous-I-Am-Grateful

2 жыл бұрын

💯%

@iraamos2746

2 жыл бұрын

Finally we need to door slam! It is their problems do not respect our boundaries, think they entitled on our life! We had reminded , then frustrated, then angry at them. but some people just ignored because they do not think us as a human too. Enough is enough! Thank you for good presentation !❤

The other person isn't always 'taken aback and perplexed', as you describe it. The last person I door-slammed was a true narcissist. I have no doubt he shrugged his shoulders and gave it no further thought.

@christineherrmann205

4 жыл бұрын

This. Though they will Hoover, just when you think you're utterly clear. It's frightening.

@natashastewart8203

4 жыл бұрын

@@christineherrmann205 Exactly.

@fernandocastro4107

4 жыл бұрын

Oh believe me....I'm sure they have atleast asked about you once before to someone else that might know you.....narcissists are the people we most wish to get rid of but that never seem to be wanting to get rid of anybody.....

@NakedInPlayground

4 жыл бұрын

This is really interesting because I’m going through the exact same situation with a friend. After their attempt at twisting the situation around and placing themselves as the victim, they just give up cuz they don’t get any supply anymore. 🙅‍♀️

The door slam comes when an INFJ realizes the empathy shown is not being appreciated or being misused by the recipient to achieve selfish goals . This is enraging to the INFJ and when there are no signs of change , the INFJ unplugs from the person completely .

@exile3119

4 жыл бұрын

Unplug. That is a great description! I do that to the people I haven't door slammed yet or can't officially door slam because I have to work with them.

@KatWoodland

4 жыл бұрын

@haris haneef yep!

@MariaBM1

4 жыл бұрын

Yes. Brilliant description.

I’m always paying heavy attention to what ppl omit from conversations or behaviors. I read between the lines very very well.

Hi Ren. Great video and I completely agree especially the point of the slam coming out of the blue (which says to me the INJF has been stewing over this for a while and this is the last straw). I would just make the following points: 1. Yes, INFJ's are very confrontation averse, which is why even having to sit down and walk through all of the feelings and thoughts with the offending person is so uncomfortable for them (it also makes them feel more vulnerable with someone who has become an unknown quantity). So it is much easier to just cut all ties, completely. Hence, the brutal door-slam. 2. It takes a long time for INFJs to let you into their circle and if you have come to the point where you are deserving of a door-slam, then you must have absolutely pissed them off. The INFJ overlooks so much and gives so many opportunities for a friend to redeem themself all while INFJ continues to uphold that Fe harmonizing urge. If they blow, then it is the accumulation of so many of these "micro-aggressions" that have finally tipped the scale of an otherwise compliant INFJ. 3. Not sure about other INFJs but when I give the door-slam, the temperature goes to absolute zero. The typical INFJ warmth and gentleness is gone and an offending person will freeze from the lack of warmth they get off of the INFJ. In fact, the INFJ is nowhere to be seen as the friend is completely cut out of the picture. Ouch! 4. I suspect we INFJs think that it is something of a privilege to count us as a friends as they hold themselves to a very high standard in the friendship department. So when someone squanders this friendship, the INFJ not only realizes that the offender does not have a clue of the value of this trust but that they are also undeserving of it and so they get the INFJ slam, which is a very harsh one. Keep up the good work. Love your videos!

@laraoneal7284

5 жыл бұрын

Neiljjm Wow INFJ here. You described us to a T. I couldn’t have said it better. Everything u said is exactly on target. In a way it makes sound somewhat dark but truly it’s the ppl that get the doorslam who are dark. It’s very hard for us to let someone in and when we do we give chances and I’ve even explained my boundaries to them and they still try to violate them and that is just unacceptable. I do not compromise my values under any circumstances period. I guess I have quite a few deal breakers. Thanks so much for sharing.

@Neiljjm

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks Lara! It would be interesting if you knew your Enneagram type to see if this is also impacting your "door slam". I am a #1 and anger is a hard thing for them. So it just enhances my INFJ drive to push everything under the surface until it really blows like a volcano!

@aprilparker7151

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, wow. Love your points.

@kristianjensen5877

5 жыл бұрын

​@@Neiljjm Your observations on when door slamming occurs / general triggers for it fits my general experience as well. Personally, I don't feel the triggering cause of a door slam to be repressed anger though. Instead, for me at least, it is a profound and intense sense of disappointment or emotional betrayal - our companions should simply *know better* than do what they did, if they really ever knew or cared about us in the first place. And that's kind of the problem. We INFJ's are pretty good at feeling and intuiting when we've overstepped other people's boundaries or caused them hurt, but other types are not always so emotionally observant - but we might project our ability to read people unto them, expecting them to be able to read us, which they just aren't always capable of. This is probably also why the door slam typically seems abrupt to the person, when in reality we've been peeved for a good long while about the relationship and have probably expressed "micro aggressive behavior" on the sly, but they just haven't been able to pick up on it on their own As for Enneagram typing, I've tested as both 9w1 and 1w9, but predominantly manifest 1w9 behavior day to day (from my own observation), so I reckon that is my "true" type so to speak.

@Neiljjm

5 жыл бұрын

@@kristianjensen5877 Hi Kristian, I agree with you completely. I am an INFJ, Enneagram Type 1w2. I believe that as INFJ/Number 1, some of the "door slam" traits are accentuated. For instance, INFJ's don't want to say or do anything that will upset the feelings of others, while the #1 has a very hard time with anger as it is not a "'perfect" feeling to express and so it is buried until it builds to the point of exploding. INFJs are also very idealistic while the #1 can be very rigid around certain principles. For instance, if an INFJ is very idealistic about the meaning of "friendship" they will strive with everything they have to live up to this while the #1 is also very perfectionist and is always striving for constant improvement in who they are and how they are in the world, hence the disappointment and sadness you mentioned when people don't live up to how we feel or think we are living. Great breeding ground for resentment!

It makes since that its unexpected to those ppl we doors-lamed lol because we door-slam them when we realize and accept that they don’t get it and will never get it.

As an INFJ this resonates loudly. Not only does it occur with friends, but family and coworkers as well. My issue is, I tend to slam the door so harshly it bangs open ;) I tend to forgive the person, but limit contact with them after doing so. Keep up the good works Ren! ♡

@exile3119

4 жыл бұрын

I do the same with people at work. I only interact with the perpetrator when I have to, and it is a slightly warm interaction but to the point because I no longer like the person (due to their behavior and fakeness) but I still have to work with them and be polite/ professional, yet only engaging with when it is absolutely unavoidable.

This is sadly true. Sometimes it's even hard to explain why you feel slighted, but your Ni would have a lot of conviction towards it. It reaches a point where you doubt your own perception, and yet we usually know and believe that we're right. I think the reason we remember each slight is because we store emotional impressions, and the slights embed themselves too deeply.

Loved the term "microaggressions" :) I relate to that strongly. I do easily perceive a lot of slights in the smallest things sometimes, it could be an off hand remark, a dismissive tone of voice, a specific reaction that disappoints me, etc.. and I do find it really hard to directly confront the issue, because too much conflict is something that forms an annoying clutter in my life which I'd rather not have. It takes a lot of these things to happen for me to eventually completely cut someone off cold, and once I do, the temperature is at a 0 and I genuinely don't want them around me. I do think INFJ is my most probable type, though I haven't completely settled yet, but your videos really do resonate. Great job!

@Ayesha_F

Жыл бұрын

🤍🤍🤍

I just recently learned that the door slam is usually a result of the INFJs failure to set boundaries, which leads to them being abused and drained. The abuse goes on for so long, the INFJ becomes exhausted and slams the door out of necessity. If the INFJ had not allowed the abuse in the first place, the door wouldn't have needed slamming. So, it's the INFJ's own energy that attracts the abuse which leads to the door slam. We need to own this!

@MeBe35

4 ай бұрын

Infjs try to set boundaries by discussing the issue with the person. Unfortunately they don't stop so we have to leave. Also, it's been my experience that most people are passive and refuse to work out issues or even let me know there is one. They start treating me badly or saying underhanded things to me out of nowhere. After asking what's wrong over and over and them denying anything is wrong I get tired of it and move on. When I was younger I wouldn't walk away until I got burnt. Now, I know better and don't waste too much time on toxic energies

at 9 minutes in, you nailed it. very true. Once you 'reach the realization' and then make the move to protect self from future toxic treatment. I am INFJ and have had to do 2 major door slams, but not as slamming a door of course, but just sudden peace in knowing 'it's over and i'm strong enough to protect myself."

All these years I've wondered why I've felt different from everyone else and why no one else thought in the ways that I have and I've been unable to explain it, it's such a relief to find out what it is. I knew of personality types but not in the formal way, only from what I've seen and categorized myself

It's really interesting to me that you link the INFJ door slam with an epithany. This helps me relate a lot more to the door slam, especially insofar as I related to a quite recent interpersonal problem. There's a lot to be said about the idea that an Ni insight is really the only way for INFJs to break through too much Fe compromise.

Yes we are huge perceivers of the slights. If I have to work too hard in a friendship than it’s not organic.

I too door slam people abruptly and do not wish to communicate with forever. These are same people to whom I have done a lot - been kind, generous and gone out the way to help in all sort of ways.

Yes, micro-aggressions!!! In tune. I don't enjoy having to door slam yet find it necessary for self protective measure.

@Bayoubebe

4 жыл бұрын

Treasure Seasons this!!

@Bayoubebe

4 жыл бұрын

Treasure Seasons this!!

Oh you're right- it's the accumulation of a bunch of small slights over time, to which we didn't react at the time but stored the irritation in an internal tank, then one fine day our irritator adds a further slight or two, not all that different to the others but it overflows the tank and SLAM- they're dead to us. You just helped answer why I'm fighting myself on answering an old friend's string of messages which I 'ought' to but just do not wish to. At all.

Totally relate. Did it recently to a person I thought was my soul mate. We talked about the issue once but the behavior continues. Done

Oh my gosh, the infj door slam is the infp distancing

TBH INFJs have come across so many unfair treatments to the point where we literally feel no remorse whatsoever for door-slamming someone, which I guess is the main thing that confuses people. It may come across as sudden, but to us it's a build-up of so many bad memories before (including ones that might not be inflicted by the very person we door-slammed, which might really be unfair for that particular case) that we literally feel relieved and so much lighter than before. People don't get how relieving it is to us. It's like being re-born.

Ren, I will probably watch this video a thousand times. I can relate so much, to the point of tears because it is SUCH a sensitive subject for me. I have issues door-slamming people. I have some people in my life that are TRULY toxic. That I should have door-slammed a long time ago. These people constantly bring me down. Constantly hurt me. But they either are family, or are so close they are like family. I want so bad to door-slam my mother and her husband (at least for a period of time so that I can heal), but they have custody of my 8 year old son, who I wouldn't be able to see if I cut them out of my life. The thing is, the hurt and toxicity is SO much, that I have even considered door-slamming them anyway. I know, it is awful, because my son would be affected by that. He is the main reason why I haven't done it, but I want to so bad. I NEED to for my own mental health. But I cannot. I also am terrified of what everyone would say if I did cut them out of my life since they have my son. I don't think I could bear the looks from people assuming that I was selfish and they would assume I didn't care about my son. Actually, I will not say anymore, because I have already said too much and I fear that I will be judged. But this comes from a part of me that is truly, unbearably hurting to the point of wanting to give up on many things and many people in my life. Not the first of your videos to bring me to tears, and I am sure it will not be the last. Much love, Ren.

@Shazzyhtown

5 жыл бұрын

Ren, its been 6 months since this comment. Have you tried to get custody of your child? This is a very unhealthy situation for you, INFJ or not.

We see people more than we would like to.i had a friend who doing microaggressions and I said to myself...it's your imagination until it was not imagination anymore.trust your gut feeling! Inspite others think it's a random thing, it's never random:)

@Elovexxx

3 жыл бұрын

My intuition picks up the slightest bit of shade. This is so true.

You explained more to me than any counselor ever has! As a Christian, I feel terrible when I door slam, because I have door slammed family! I think the Ten Commandments are the lowest common denominator for morality (love being the highest), and I want to "honor my father and mother." However, some families are toxic. CoDependents Anonymous and Henry Cloud's "Boundaries" book have helped me add tangible logic to my "intuitive knowing." You just put icing on that cake by explaining INFJ door slamming so well. Spot on!!! Thank you.

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much :)

I agree. I'd also like to add that the reason why the INFJ's door slam might seem so brutal is because, when the one who is door slammed wants a clear, long and detailed explanation of why they are door slammed, the INFJ can't give that because he/she feels very uncomfortable confronting the doorslammed person of their horrible characteristics, because the INFJ doesn't want to hurt them even more with words by telling them how horrible of a person they are. Actually, any type of contact with a doorslammed person is already painful for the INFJ, let alone discussing in detail how horrible they are. And also since the INFJ is emphatic and doesn't like door slamming, some of your characteristics/actions must have been considered very bad by the INFJ for him/her to actually consider doing that to you. Eventually, the thing the INFJ will remember the most about you are two things: 'your horrible characteristics' + 'the INFJ's horrible doorslam' and so it will be very difficult and uncomfortable for the INFJ to try to maintain even the slightest communication with you because those two things are probably the most prominent things they remember about you. And another reason why it might seem so brutal is because there is NO WAY and NO CHANCE that the slammed door will ever be opened once again by the INFJ. And in turn, the reason for that would be: 1. The INFJ knows the person in and out and so he/she knows and can predict very well where that relationship will lead to. 2. The INFJ actually abhors any type of door slamming, so if it ever comes to that, you can be certain that the INFJ has thought it through. 3. The INFJ abhors any type of door slamming, so if it ever comes to that, he/she probably has all the evidence to back up his/her claims. If the doorslammed person tries to speak or to text the INFJ and can't give a valid reason of why the relationship is worth saving/keeping, then for the INFJ it's just "blah, blah, blah" to which the INFJ can't respond anything. For the above 3 reasons, it is close to impossible to be able to convinced the INFJ to open the door again once the door has been slammed. (I might be wrong about all this... This whole post is just my understanding of it all...)

I was not aware of this mechanism inside of me until I realised I'm INFJ type from Myers-Briggs. It's always been a blind spot. Just like others say it does not get into action related to anger but more related to pain. I might add that communicating in an opening way from my side is a slowly bending learning curve. From my point of view as an INFJ many people do not deepen enough to make it worthwhile. I rarely feel sorry for letting someone go. 🍀🤫

Yes, I let someone insult and disrespect me for months. I did ask them to stop, but they continued to say hurtful, insensitive things. One day I had had enough and slammed the door and feel much better without that person in my life 😁

Wow--thank you for making this video! I just did what I think is my first ever doorslam, and have been trying to understand it myself. I really don't think I've done the doorslam before--I've let relationships fade out, etc. and other than that, though my relationships have not always panned out, they've not ended badly. What you said fits so well with how I felt with this situation, and how my person on the receiving end must have felt as well--likely astonished. And though my greatest wish is that things could have been different, I have no regrets--it is without a doubt exactly what needed to happen. But what you said about the accumulation of slights and finally concluding I'd had enough and time is up is exactly what happened. I guess I'm just glad this is my first time with this--it feels awful, but it's right. Ultimately I feel like I did us both a favor, and I'm sure people could make comments about that; but I really mean that I think an INFJ REALLY tries to look at all explanations/options, etc. and is genuinely averse to drama and doesn't resort extreme until it's the 'best' and only option. So it's true, I think we go until we know it's really done. In a way, that's maybe how things SHOULD be--no games. But the sad part is that people are so used to playing games, I think it's hard when they encounter someone who doesn't do that and means 'done'. Anyway--thank you!

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your experience! I hope you will be okay. :)

This really captures how I have doorslammed in the past, the flavour of it, as you say, the buildup, and the result. I'd add that part of the aversion to confronting the other person about it is because the slights seem so minor and in our views could be reasonably explained away or dismissed, and it seems unreasonable and petty to confront someone over them. When someone is covertly aggressive, and we can't recall specific incidents of the slights (bad Si) but instead a pattern of feeling hurt, it feels like we don't have a leg to stand on in a confrontation. For me, when I get confirmation of the aggression (due to enough repeats of the behaviour), or I have hit the bottom of my Fe well (maybe then allowing shadow Fi to come out in full force), that's when the doorslam happens. It's the suddenness, the lack of communication, and the complete switch in behaviour from warm to cold that makes the INFJ doorslam so remarkable* among doorslams. Oh, another thought just occurred to me--the victims of the INFJ doorslam are quite often the type who are happy to talk about it to other people, therefore spreading the infamy further. I don't mean every victim is like this or that they have negative intentions! But it does explain part of the reason for why the INFJ doorslam is a 'thing'. I do think INFJs should learn to confront people sooner, and draw strong and clear boundaries about what behaviours they will tolerate. This will go a long way to preventing toxic people from getting close to the INFJ, and protecting innocent people who just say the wrong thing from time to time from being doorslammed unfairly by the INFJ. But I think it's easy to say from the perspective of being older and hopefully wiser than I was in my 20s. *When I say remarkable, I mean literally, it seems to be remarked upon more than when other types do it. I'm not implying it's special in any way.

Pretty spot on. We compromise and don’t like conflict, despite trying to communicate. We seem ignored much of the time, and then something just instantly happens where it’s just not worth it anymore. Most of the time I don’t completely door slam, but I am much more protective of myself, even if they do Not know it! Sometimes I want to door slam because of unacceptable behavior that even my ESTP husband has witnessed, but can’t bring myself to do it. This is where distancing is used, but still being social for the good of extended family. I don’t believe it’s a punishment, because my empathy or concern for their feelings keeps me from completing shutting them out usually. I just want them to stop behavior that actually is kind of crappy- which goes back to -didn’t you hear me trying to communicate?

Wow, this helped me realize that I have door slammed a person before. it happened so suddenly that I myself was completely shocked at how closed off and cold I had became towards the person.

My friends tell me that the brutality of the doorslam is gonna kill me. They think Im holding a grudge when in reality Im protecting myself for what they will do in the future because I have analyzed their patterns. I could never confront them because whenever I have conflict, I would never win because I can't verbalize my thoughts. Im just avoiding that conflict

Thank you, Ren. This is the best explanation of the INFJ doorslam I’ve heard.

INFJ’s also know that engaging someone about the hurt they’ve been causing will so South. The micro aggressions that are picked up on are something they know others are blind to and would ridicule and claim didn’t exist. Instead of being cathartic, INFJ’s learn that those times they air their feelings turn against them. The aggressors never see their aggression and it becomes an attack on the essence of an INFJ instead. It is hard to explain your trust in what you observe when you can’t always describe how you came to your conclusions to people who don’t have that same observational skill. If an INFJ has been hurt repeatedly or betrayed deeply, they know the confrontation will not give them cathartic closure but rather the opposite. Also, INFJ’s find it hard to be ‘mean’ directly to someone’s face. This will result in the INFJ once again being kind and seeking harmony.

@Elovexxx

3 жыл бұрын

Spot on! I literally just went through this. Couldn’t even explain why I was so hurt because it was stuff my intuition picked up and couldn’t easily be articulated.

I’m a definite ifnj, and I’ve noticed that all the people i door slammed (and subsequently ruined them) cluster B types. I despise narcissists and borderlines with a passion, and like to damage those types as much as possible.

I think we're guilty of allowing ourselves to be "door mats" of sorts to manipulative people. So they get used to our being push overs. They do not understand that because we are deeply caring of their feelings we put up with a lot of things we should not accommodate in the first place. So when we accept we are flogging "dead horses" and take action, the manipulators are caught off guard and, I think, to them the door slam is interpreted as a lapse of character.

How to explain a door slam? Well, as an INFJ, I will try to be helpful and friendly to everyone. Just part of my Diplomatic Personality. But, when someone gets me to a point of being "just done" with their behavior (Usually, very bad behavior that has happened over a period of time) and something quickly switches in the brain. What I mean is, the warm feeling (F) gets switched off internally, and it is done without the other person's knowledge. No remorse. You just disappear from their lives because you just don't want deal with the drama anymore. The last time I "door slammed" someone, I took notice of what I did and why. I had gotten a feeling that I needed to protect myself from this person, and my emotions toward this person just switched instantly; no longer was I in the "How can I help you?" mode. It turned out to be the right decision. I think that it is an internal recognition that you need to distance yourself from this person a.s.a.p. before things get out of hand. I do give people lots of chances, so there haven't been a lot of "door slams" in my life. In the few I have had, I just reach that internal decision that "I'm done" and find no reason to discuss it with them. "That's it. Done, Goodbye." It is rather cold, even I admit it is very cold. However, it has worked as a way to protect me from people who treat me badly, or like their doormat.

Your brilliant analysis/verbal discourse of the Slam is 100% on target, thank you. My question is - why is it that the one who "slammed" can't find relief or satisfaction in the action enacted ? Why is it that the ominous dread/concern for the welfare of the slammed one bother the conscience/ thought of the inflictor so much ? Is it a case of addiction to the frequent abuse that one would allow itself to be victimised? I've listened to videos on this subject matter & regardless of the bluntness of truths uncovered, why does the feeling of guilt for failing to save a drowning person persist?

@ruth_6303

5 жыл бұрын

It's because you Care. Even though you are protecting yourself because you can't or you refuse to continue existing in the same situation, you still care about that individual/s as a human being. Not on a personal level but on a Humane level. People say that there are things that they 'wouldn't wish to happen to their enemies': that's because we know that those who hurt us are able to feel pain as well and we can relate to that. I hope that 👆🏽👆🏽👆🏽 explanation answers your question.

@ma6542

4 жыл бұрын

Apparently INFJ are highly prone to guilt feelings because of our ideal and caring nature , we wish we could change things . Once I knew this was the case I try to not feel guilty any more . I have with time learnt to absolutely trust my NI .... if I felt I needed to cut someone off , they sure deserved it.

I just recently found out that I am an infj and now everything makes sense. I feel so alone most of the time coz i feel like nobody understands my weirdness and now i am happy i found this channel. Makes me feel at home.

I think we overforgive. Till we are not ready to forgive, unless the person is out of our life. If we get angry enough to state what is upsetting and the person is responsive in an honest and respectful way, and is ready to change we don't door slam. And yes we shut down our Fe and enter into Ni and Ti and they tell us getting away is a must. But we always feel others and convey our messages in a nice civil way. But now it is shut down . So how can we deliver the message without Fe. There's is a risk of hurting their feelings without knowing or intending. When I try to convey anything I come very cold I am speaking my Ni and Ti in this case. Fe is the source of our warmth. So if I am gonna be too cold or too angry. I would never risk hurting a random stranger. The whole thing is insignificant. I am gonna let them go , by door slamming them. If the person is near and dear I state it twice then I door slam the third time. My ENTP Mum and ENFP son are the only immune from the door slam . Hard to say, but this is the brutal truth.

👏🏼👏🏼 I have never heard this explained so well! This is spot on. The thing is, even after we’ve door slammed someone, it doesn’t mean that we never feel bad or think about it later…BUT, even if we want to open the door again, we will NOT. Sometimes it’s an internal battle, but we relay on our intuition and remember why it was necessary in the first place.

Yeah, sometimes it takes a lot of time, but once we reach that "ah-ha" moment even a legitimate romantic interest can be tossed out "out of the blue"...

Another great observation explained in a super concise and clear way! Love your videos. Great insights explained intelligently.

Thanks bro for sharing your insights. You mentioned the "slights" that we notice so readily, which we try to communicate in peaceable and accommodating ways. Well put. My door slam on a significant relationship some months ago was as a result of Ni picking up on something that I had no conscious idea on what it was. It's taken me 5 months of INFJ intensive reviewing, and I mean intensive, to finally get it to my consciousness, to get it clear in my mind what it was that I had picked up on but didn't consciously understand. I won't give details, cause the stuff we pick up on is so absurd to anyone outside of our thoughts it would probably be viewed as "out there", or just "weird". I'll attempt to describe the concept as this may benefit someone, as it may well be able to be applied to different scenarios that use different cognitive functions! It came to my understanding via quality KZread posts, how the cognitive function user at the Hero or Parent level has a significant grasp on it's usage, a firm understanding of it in the same way as say, driving a car, which we learn to do so well it's an automatic ability that needs no conscious thought or effort. So here is my revelation.... The repeated slights I picked up on were of a social "faux pas" nature, something an Fe user has a firm grasp on, like social etiquette, what's right socially, what's wrong, etc. etc.. The other significant person, having Fe as a Hero function, essentially denied my Fe parents reality at every attempt to discuss said faux pas, resulting in protecting the other party/organisation at the expense of selling me down the river! Not a good foundation for taking the relationship further and, may I suggest, an express route to a "door slam"? No wonder Ni was triggered!!! Wow, it took 5 months to unblur the blurred lines, what is true, what is false, where's the boundaries of reality ....but I got there, I finally worked it out and got it to my consciousness. Honestly, I think if I tried to explain the details I'm pretty sure the vast majority would say, "no way", bla bla bla...This was such a subtle slight but had the ability to completely trigger my Ni. So maybe this concept will help someone in some way to figure out an issue, a puzzle?

I relate to it not so long ago with a previous toxic colleague 😂😭. He was painful, mate.

Currently binge watching all of your videos...🥰 ..I think as I get older....it doesn't take me as long to reach that aha moment..and I've been trying to verbalise how I feel impacted by the microagressions as they happen.. and subsequently set a boundary.....unhealthy people who arent comfortable with boundaries...will typically find it hard to respect the boundary....enabling me to reach the aha moment more quickly... Of course the above isn't very comfy for me to do..but its so helpful! And a lil empowering too.. 😊

I silent door slammed my SIL since I first met her before she met my brother (about 25 years ago). I just knew that I wouldn’t get along with her. She sensed that I keep her at arms length but she didn’t know why. I stop her from talking to me in length by giving her vague and one word reply before finding excuse to leave the room. She didn’t do anything to me to trigger my shield. It’s just her personality that I find extremely exhausting and unappetizing ever since I met her.

I have only had to do this a few times in my life but when I'm done I'm done, wiped from my body and soul yet will remain in my mind,you will never physically harm me ever again and my soul carries no karmatic baggage for being forced to do so,it remains in my mind as a guide post to be more careful as I go on my way.i do hold myself to higher standards than those around me,only because those are the standards I have set for myself,I only expect each person to do their best,not to what I presume to think is their best,when I ran night shift at a factory I didn't expect Joe to work like bill or vice versa all I wanted was for each person to work to the best of their ability.i have always known even as a young child how precious and fragile life is,I have endured pain more than any one person should,I see the shades of grey between the black and the white,what seems to be wrong must of been done to make things right.i go out of my way to help others around me and expect nothing in return,I've learned you can't save everyone focus on the ones you know truly need it,I learned I could touch a person a thousand ways with out ever laying a hand on them.all I had to do was just remove my kindness and guidance from their life and things would fall to shit all around them,the prolbem is so simple but no one sees it," selfishness" and sadly for humanity that lower emotion will carry on for all eternity

@AspergersversusNeurotypicals

4 жыл бұрын

zachary ellis, i didn't quite understand the last few lines, " learned I could touch a person a thousand ways with out ever laying a hand on them.all I had to do was just remove my kindness and guidance from their life and things would fall to shit all around them,the prolbem is so simple but no one sees it," what do you mean you would " remove your kindness and guidance ' ? (you just said you didn't lay hand on them) sorry but if you could please explain. i thought kindness was what we want to offer to all beings?

@ebh7821

4 жыл бұрын

@@AspergersversusNeurotypicals I understood it to mean that by removing all the good things like kindness and regard towards someone then you hurt them more than hitting them physically. Because the absence of all the INFJ's kindness and love is painful when the other person finally sees what they have lost.

Perfect description 👌 thank you for taking the time to articulate our doorslam style.we do put up with so much before it reaches that critical stage.. almost a survival technique. I do experience a profound guilt after the doorslam, wishing I was stronger to sustain that person before the cut off. Would that be the case for most infjs? Being 100% on the need for doorslam and carrying the feelings of those on the other side of the door afterwards?

I would add that it’s not just the micro-aggression and our response in the pure sense that ultimately leads to the door slam. For me (and it doesn’t happen often), it is the things (motivations, attitudes, etc.) that I see behind the slights and micro-aggressions. In a sense, I see how that person feels and thinks about me in a more visceral sense. Then, you are right, Ni takes over and it becomes absolutely intolerable. I know what I have to do and it happens almost automatically with a strong resolve. This always occurs after a long-standing pattern in which the person had many chances . Unfortunately, I’ve usually held on and tried way too long by then. Then, there is no going back. I am learning to confront and correct people sooner, but this is hard.

I personally want to be friend of yours truly. Every single second of your words is really not a waste and truly captures our soul and heart. Thank you so much. Take care always.❤️

I never discuss the door slam. I put up with way too much abuse, trying to give the other every chance and charity, but when the final line of abuse and ingratitude are finally crossed, i walk. I cut off every path of communication, change my lifestyle and friends, and never look back. The world is a really big place.

I relate to this... to previous slights not being addressed so that the door slam comes as a shock to the other person. Enjoying your videos. Thank you!

I'm sorry... are your dust pillows on a CURTAIN ROD?!?! Who is the genius that came up with this?!?! This is a PERFECT way to have a bed and a couch in a studio and my life is changed.

@RensRoom

2 жыл бұрын

Haha yesssss

It's spot-on. Thank you.

At this point (& age) in life, i have no problem icing ppl out. Life's too short to be around people that are undeserving, & unworthy of my friendship. They can think what they want to think, say what they want to say, but my peace of mind supersedes all.

You nailed it. I feel like watching you I am looking in the mirror.

Spot on! Just a small addition to that- after the door-slam there is no looking back.

Great analysis! Very informative and enlightening. Thank you sir.

Changing the subject slightly, but I find it interesting despite being conflict-averse that I'm 110% ready to engage someone who's wronged a person in my circle. I suppose this relates to our future orientation...preserve that person in our circle, and to hell with the outsider. People with experience know, you don't want to be on the business end of an INFJ in protection mode. I once explained to a friend of mine, who's nearly a foot taller than me and works as a prison guard, some of the measures I've taken in reaction to slights against my friends. He said "I will never get on your bad side."

Excellent analysis and description...my experience exactly as an INFJ

I didnt consciously think about Ni aha moment in the door slam moment but I think your right. I was thinking it was Ti but Ni also plays a part. With Ni, I imagine the potential in a person. Fe tries to be patient and understanding. Ti tries to think of logical ways to improve the situation. I think I can be pretty patient with someone if they take accountability for themselves and making a sincere effort to improve things. Growth doesnt happen overnight and takes many mini steps. I think in that aspect they make good counselors. But what do you do with someone who is in denial, refusing to take responsibility, and blames others? They arent helping themselves and cant help someone who wont help themselves. It becomes a lopsided relationship and toxic for others especially INFJs. Some INFJs may have issues being assertive because they dont want to rock the boat. I think I'm more assertive than some. But dealing with in-laws can be a delicate matter and sometimes not saying anything seems easier to avoid the whole in-law family group being upset with you when your trying to deal with one person. It becomes a choice of picking your battles and letting some go. I do think your right that the INFJ door slam comes across more unexpected than perhaps another type would do it. Also think people mistake our kindness for weakness and surprised when we pull that trigger to door slam. Also think every type has a bit of Fi and probably shows up when ending a relationship.

People need to realise that certain micro-agressions are part of the aggressors sense of self ie it is a part of who they are. If it is a bad behaviour that they've practiced for years, expecting them to suddenly change will be an effort in futility. Dropping bad behaviours is tougher than picking up good ones.

Renaud, I think 'doorslam' explains itself cos it's clear if the push is so hard, there will be that 'naughty' bang the slam, and it is unexpected too. It is indeed when full and can't take anymore.. Nice video. Thanks

I have door slammed people many times, only to forgive and let them in one more time, but when things become too much for me, I will do a very permanent and aggressive door slam and stay within my side of the wall with little or no communication with the other party and I make plans to remove myself from the aggressor and live my life the way I see fit, as long as if I am not hurting anyone or breaking any laws, I will be fine. The door slam is closing access to my protective physical and mental interior realm, where no one can hurt me. Solitude becomes my refuge.

Love u Ren. U are so authentic.

Thank you for your explanation and insight. I have recently door-slammed someone and have felt very conflicted about it. Though I realize it was 100% necessary I haven’t completely understood why, until now. Thank you again!

@World of Philosophy. Excellent content. You are on target at least from this INFJ.

I find it fascinating to watch your eye movement as you access information and build the concepts while speaking on these topics. It says something about how we work.

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

Haha, yeah I bet I have a quite specific way of looking! :)

@BjornKuma

5 жыл бұрын

@@RensRoom I think we all do to some degree. I appreciate that you put these vids out there. Your observations are stellar and it's good to hear them vocalized. I've always preferred the INFJ discussions of where the rubber meets the road rather than the greater public type perception. Keep up the good work! I'm sure you'll be seeing me around the comments!

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

@@BjornKuma Thanks a lot and see you around the comments ^.^

Bridge Burning, that's what I called it. Never heard of an empath or an INFJ until recently. So that's what I am??? All the methods of dealing with others that took me until age 69 to learn on my own are right here on KZread. I visualized every person or situation as having a vessel and when it got too full, had to empty it or lower the level until I dealt with them again. Certain peoples' vessel would never empty...... done, and done. This worked for me as both a financial and emotional survival method in business and personal relationships. It's a way to continue on without all the energy suckers taking you to the ground.

and you make really quality content ! I can realte to everything that you said

@RensRoom

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much!

Our doorslam is something nobody saw coming. It's final. Painful for you that you won't heal from PTSD you experience from that doorslam. Life changing for you, because we're forever gone into thin air.

Ren, your insights into the doorslam are correct, very accurate. We are certainly conflict-averse, but I wonder if we are even more averse to misunderstanding or falsely accusing anyone. We are also averse to being judgemental. Therefore we take a very, very long time to reflect upon all of those accumulated memories and "microagressions" until we are absolutely convinced that what we have felt and observed is true. That is the "aha moment," and you are right again that the "aha moment" occurs in tandem (almost involuntarily) with the inward doorslam. The doorslam is instinctive, immediate, intuitive, permanent, and cannot be helped. Breathing is physically necessary. Doorslams are emotionally and psychologically and even spiritually necessary. The rationale that prevents "talking it over" is simply the reality that if that person is fully capable of such abusive and disrespectful behavior repeatedly, over time, there is nothing to talk about. The behavior is as ingrained within that person as the doorslam is reflexive within us. It isn't as though the perpetrator of the offense is completely innocent and unaware. The behavior is not a minor infraction that must be brought to the offender's attention. How do we know? Because an innocent infraction would never "feel" so intentional and hurtful. What we intuitively feel is the truth of the matter. What further truth can be gained from a face-to-face sit-down with a liar. A dog bites. A snake strikes. A liar lies. "As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man." - Proverbs 27:19

As a female INFJ, mature age, I have had many years by which to learn what people can be like when they use us and overstep the mark with those slights and the way they assume we will always forgive them. I have had to complete the door slam ,the abrupt, shut down on someone who’s been emailing me for a few years, but he is 20 years younger and we as Christians met on our KZread channels purely for fellowship, him being in another country. I am old enough to be his mother, yet he continually insists that I reply the same day he mails, then gets painfully insecure and pushy. It really annoyed me. But I have an ill husband, a home and property to maintain etc and I resented being harassed by someone who lives with his grandparents all his life to 40 years old! I forgave his immaturity and kindly let him know t please stop pushing me, but got so sick of his insecurity, I completely and finally, and abruptly dropped him over a week ago. I am over it. I helped him hundreds of times but his selfishness blew it for me. He wore out his welcome a long time ago. This has to happen because I need friends who understand me, or none at all!

Spot on ,relaxed and candid ... Stay cool

INTJ door slam = "your dead to me"

Background info: I’m an ENFP. I would feel terrible if I was “slighting” anyone (if I wasn’t aware of it) , I really want to make things better!! Pro tip for infjs if you feel like enfp is being toxic, tell us! We usually aren’t out to make you feel bad!!! I LOVE INFJS!!

You certainly got it right my man!

I'm an infj and I just want to say that you're very handsome 😃

It is our defence mechanism against intruder and fake people.

It sounds like everyone who has slammed the door on someone is trying to justify themselves, despite the super-subtle attempts at communication. Everyone else never sees this nuclear behavior coming.

I've just experimented the brutal doorslam. I have done it before, but not like this and the most unbelievable thing is that it was with an intp. He really broke down the record. It is really hard because i need to work with him and i know he is not a bad person but i cannot overpass this. i cannot forgive even if i try,it is not the same anymore

I love your bedroom Its really nice

I found this channel today, and I saw quite much already and now I want to write to you. I think the door slam is the right topic, cause I did it with my mum and my best friend. So...In the past 10 years I went through a very heavy depression, First reason I was discriminated for not being straight, I am pansexual but when I was ~13 I had my first experience with a boy and was shunned by my friends for it, that hit me quite hard. The second reason for my derpession is my mother, she is narcissistic and since my father was not home often I had only her. I dont know what you all know about narcissistic people but they are very manipulativ and as a INFJ I was totally dependent on pleasing her. I somehow survived this all, and sometimes I wonder how... And moved to Denmark when I was 20 and doorslamed my mum. I didnt know why, I just knew I couldnt bear it any longer. My only contact left was my best friend and he was a narcissist too... It took me some time to figure it out but we I saw the paterns it was over. It supriced me when I was not angry with them, in fact I was more angry with my dad maybe because its this loyalty/authenticity thing. For me authenticity is more important than loyalty, because I can only be authentic when I am loyal to myself, so I can understand when someone is not loyal to me cause he is authentic ( or would loose his authenticity when is loyal to me). So enough of this but maybe it helps someone... =)

The thing I did to 2 of my exes was... I keep giving chances probably million times where nobody else would have given them despite every single bad thing they did.. I am talking about physical violence, emotional abuse and invalidation etc. I made excuses for them. I keep telling myself till death do us part. Then something inside awoke. And then all ties were cut off. Just like that. The change is 360 degrees and then they are literally dead to me. And there is no going back

May all be blessed with safety, liberation, equality, security, warm homes, food, may there be justice, generosity, truth, love and light and peace. May there be a bright future for people. May there be abundance and wellbeing for all people.

I waver between E & I in the NFJ personality disorder. I start with the "ENFJ Ultimatum" and then switch to the "INFJ Door Slam" if that doesn't work. I can appreciate a good Door Slam. I only use this on people who have harmed me when I've tried very hard to make their lives easier.

@RensRoom

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing, Albert!

Deep down, if willing to look in the mirror, they will know why we door slam’d them. Justice always prevail if we can help it.

I found out a few months ago that i'm an INFJ and agree with your assessment. I have doorslammed people and it takes a long time. First it starts with the slights that are ignored, then i kind of realize wait a moment this person seems to keep doing this or that. Then it's like i need time to really watch and see if it's a fluke, if they're willing to change after pointing out the hurtful behaviour. Then it's like i get sick and tired of being sick and tired and my emotions shut off. I then get very logical considering the relationship in detail. An "aha" moment also happens where they behave in a way that just pushes me over the edge. I then choose to remove myself from their lives and as far as I'm concerned from that moment on they're no longer anyone in my life

Most people will avoid someone when they realize that they are bad news. The INFJ, on the other hand, will try to be so understanding and accepting that they will give someone chance after chance. Finally they have had enough and will slam the door suddenly without warning. It is so unexpected that it comes as a shock.

People I've slammed the door on were not expecting it, but their actions against me were obvious and/or severe enough that they would be very well aware of the reason(s), no explanation needed.

Yes, i agree. You explained it perfectly. What it isn't is using others and dropping them when no longer useful. Not at all.

When I have shared my feelings in an attempt to avoid the door slam move, I always get the response that I’m wrong, my feelings are wrong, that I have something wrong with me. Never has someone taken in the information, acknowledged that I am allowed to have feelings even if they seem irrational, and had respect back - the other person is almost dead set to judge with a simple ‘right or wrong’ , black or white response. I’m old, and now I just go for the preemptive quietly shutting of the door so relationships are stunted from the start. I am so much more at peace these days. Btw, I think we don’t have the same needs for a human connection after we are emotionally self sufficient. We truly can take it or leave it.

Im infj. What you are talking just exactly right. When I reach that realisations oh this person is no longer good for me. I simply shut the door. Most of the time they’ve hurt me and it’s sufferings. I can’t stand, let’s just make a move like you said and i do it with lightning fast. There’s no compromise or warning. I must have protected myself first. When they recognised my coldness that’s too less.

My ideal door slam with once close friends is one where they think the friendship just naturally faded or that they left first...Don't want to hurt them, just don't want them in my life anymore.

My theory- because it takes us a long time to PRIORITIZE our own Fi, when we finally do, we cannot Fe anymore towards that person. We feel like to Fe anymore with them would mean we are abandoning our SELF to an abusive level or allow them to abuse us further. And to explain our Ni Ti just feels impossible and pointless, bcuz if the other person was even capable of understanding our Ni Ti, then the ongoing offense probably never would have even occurred to begin with. And we have no motivation to attempt to explain ourselves bcuz we no longer intend to keep them in our life, or we don’t see anyway for our values to coexist in HARMONY. This is why they are kind of considered dead to us. Now I have door slammed certain TYPES of connections without door slamming the WHOLE person, a partial door slam. For example, I may limit my interaction with them to text/letters/email, refusing to speak on the phone or be in their physical presence. Or I may agree to disagree on a topic, and never bring up that topic again in the future. Or I might push them out of my inner circle of intimacy, but still keep them in my outer circle of casual friends.