Boundaries don’t work because some people think their needs are more important and will just ignore them in hopes that you just magically forget

@novalee4650

Жыл бұрын

Well well I need to work on my communication better

Boundaries pretty much work with my actual husband. I can tell him in a direct calm way what I want and either he accepts it or we find a way in the middle. My first husband was a narcissist and there were no boundaries that he would accept or respect. I could not set boundaries. Only he could. That is why I divorced him. Thank you for the video. Very interesting!

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

And thank you for sharing. How wonderful that you and your husband can work these things through. (I am lucky in that way also in my 2nd marriage 😀)

@gardenialeeman4932

Жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan Very happy for you! Thank God! 💕

This is very helpful information! A key for me was understanding I cannot make anyone respect or follow my boundary and that it doesn’t mean I should then shift the boundary to make it more flexible. If someone cannot and or refuses to respect my boundary I have to use that information to reassess the relationship and how I engage with this person

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Yes! Exactly!

I don’t have the power to enforce them against my bosses who are responsible for my ability to pay rent. However, I don’t need to enforce boundaries in most areas of my life because my selected family is quite respectful. I’m grateful for this.

Another reason why boundaries don't work is if you truly haven't communicated them well enough. A former friend of mine felt that she had been setting boundaries and that I wasn't respecting them (ie. my behaviour didn't change). When she finally blew up and told me how she felt (after months of this having gone on), I was 100p taking by surprise. I truly think that she felt that she was setting boundaries but that she actually wasn't doing it. She wasn't vocal enough about the things that upset her and she 100p did not enforce her boundaries. I don't consider myself as someone who oversteps other people's boundaries and it's also not the feedback I get from other people. So I really believe that you can feel like you're setting a boundary when you actually are not - I've pretty sure Ive done it myself.

Boundaries don't work because I can't keep them. Still working on it although.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Yes, I think a lot of people feel this! I wonder whether it is exploring what is underneath not keeping them... what feeling-thought?

Boundaries do not work when I weaken and lose my sense of humor about it. A sense of humor helps me to not become angry or too serious, thus increasing the chance the offender will just stop their trespass and not argue. I have many BPD people in my life and they try to pull me back into the triangle as perpetrator. Boundaries always work as long as I keep myself #1.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Love this! Yes, a sense of humor is very helpful!

@jimmy2035

Жыл бұрын

What type of humor? Reading the situation as if they're behaving like a child? They won't like that. I agree with your statement. Humor is effective. Can you give an example of what sort of humor you use pls?

Boundaries dont work when I am ambivalent or hesitant about them. If I am assertive, whatever the content and the context, it will mean that I see the violation of my lines, space, time, voice, wishes etc. Boundaries dont work when I dont feel comfortable or when I feel shameful for setting them (your boundary quizz: "I am nice" type result for me).....It has to, purely, do with me!

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Wonderful insight, and I thank you for sharing! I believe your comment will be helpful for others... And yeah, it is all about how we are feeling about it!

This is as usual, another great video with lots of useful information - thank you, Barbara! I can set boundaries, and tell people what I will do if the boundary is violated. How many times do you let someone violate a boundary until you finally give up? What do you do if someone says, "I will not respect your boundary". I finally terminated the relationship after a year and a half of constantly enforcing boundaries. It was tough, but it took me that long to understand the situation would not change.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Hi: Thanks for your thoughtful question. Yes, sometimes relationships have to end or morph into a different type of relationship - I think the "how long' question is related to the type of boundary violation and its severity... Wishing you the best!

Thank you so much for this , because when they don't work it feels like a personal failure due to all the speech around it .

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

You're so welcome! And, yes, interesting point. We can absorb a lot of "blame" from general media opinions... WIshing you the best!

@Heyokasireniei468sxso

Жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan

In my case with my husband, my husband had ignored my request, for example, not to stand up and down during his meal to come into the kitchen, to fetch for example, a sauce that was missing on the dining table, etc. I had told him time and time again for the past thirty years in a soft manner not to come into the kitchen because I get distracted when I am cooking or preparing. (Our kitchen has small space). I told him "Would you please not come into the kitchen?" calmly a thousand times. I finally shouted crazily about 6 months ago, when at last he started to change his behavior. He is a person who does not take a person's word for it. I have been distressed countless number of times by his not receiving the words as they are. The words get distorted in his brain and is interpreted differently. This is extremely stressful. It seems that he has ADHD. It is difficult to communicate with such a person, let alone set boundaries with him.

Thank you! Like to add that a mean drunk is probably going to be mean the day after as well (shame and hangover).

@BarbaraHeffernan

7 ай бұрын

Yes, that is often the case as well, unfortunately. Thank you for commenting and I hope the videos are helpful for you!

One question I have is thatI am struggling with is 'when' to set a boundary. So should you wait until the boundary is being violated ; or communicate it before it happens (again!) .

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Great question. I think it is best to communicate about it prior to it happening again, but also when both people are in a relatively calm state, so not when triggered. LMK your thoughts!

@rebeccabektas3929

Жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan thanks...we are trying to navigate setting financial boundaries with my inlaws! Hubby been sending them regularish money to help them but it is getting out of hand - he wants to just stop and set the boundary when they ask. I think we should let them know we are changing things. Its all very emotional as technically they don't directly ask (use guilt/emotional blackmail instead) so if we say anything they will def be very defensive and make us feel bad. We live in the UK and my hubby is turkish so its a cultural nightmare! At least we are in agreement on it!!

yep there may be no way to say it .... just have to work on accepting that the other person doesnt care and whilst I live with him that's just the way it is.

I am not very good at sticking to enforcing boundaries.

I don’t enforce them and I don’t know how to be straight up on consequences

While enforcing boundaries in a romantic relationship, is it reasonable do you think for the other person to violate those boundaries but lie to keep the peace and to avoid hurt? And what happens when they get caught? ( which has happened - and claim’s it was a ‘set up’ )

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

hmmmm... I don't feel that violating boundaries and lying about it is ok... For me, lying is within a relationship that is supposed to be built on trust is actually a boundary violation. Obviously this can vary based on the situation and seriousness of the boundary violation. Sounds like you are in a very difficult situatio. Remember, boundaries are for you, though, and about you...we have to figure out our options and focus on that... If you haven't seen this video, it might be helpful: kzread.info/dash/bejne/e2xqwdJpfteWlag.html

Maybe sometimes my boundaries are unreasonable? There are many times when you just have to suck it up and do certain things.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

This is such an interesting comment! Yes, we sometimes have to do difficult and unpleasant things when required... we may not "want" to, but the part of us that wants to do the right thing does "want" to, right? I don't feel "boundaries" are reasons to not care for each other... I am also curious about your thought that your own might be "unreasonable". For me, that is sometimes when the boundaries feel too "rigid." Wishing you the best!

@MarianneSmith62

Жыл бұрын

@@BarbaraHeffernan well, I said that before I watched your video. Seems that I wasn't as clear about the concept of boundaries as u thought. Right now my life is pretty good and straightforward. I don't have to worry about being imposed upon by anyone during the holiday season and I have learned to say no to things I'm unwilling to get involved in. I help when i can, gladly, but I have limits. I'm 60 now, and it's taken me until a couple of years ago to figure this out. I enjoy your videos, my son is 31 and in therapy like yours and it was through him I found you on KZread . Some things are so essentially simple, but I have difficulties seeing them until pointed out to me, so I learn a lot. Thank you for that :)

Because I was an eyewitness to illegal acts.

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

That is challenging, for sure...

Ff

She mentions why they don’t work yet doesn’t give directions what to do next ??? How is this helpful

@BarbaraHeffernan

Жыл бұрын

Hi David: Thanks for your comment! I think this video highlights the reasons people will SAY they don't work, and understanding those misconceptions can help one understand boundaries better... also the main reason that I think they don't work - emotional dysregulation, points to what one needs to do to have them work... but maybe all that didn't come across very well! I do have a whole playlist on boundaries, which may be more directly helpful to you:kzread.info/head/PLhEK7JY7zF9lONZvH86763JMINlrGLlVB. Wishing you the best!