My mom is a hoarder: What I've learned so far, mistakes I've made, and how I have helped
My mom has hoarding disorder, which progressed to a significantly worse state after her mother passed away. It is common for people who show signs of hoarding disorder to progress to a significantly worse state after losing something important to them, especially a loved one.
My mother acquires things easily, going on shopping trips several times a week. She is unable to discard items, however. For example, she is unable to throw any mail away, so she has boxes and boxes of what most people would refer to as "junk mail."
This constant acquisition with no ability to discard items lead to her home being filled with stuff, with only small pathways to maneuver around.
This lead to very large challenges with keeping the home livable. Her two dogs began peeing and pooping exclusively inside the home on the carpet. My mom would generally leave the urine permanently and she would let the feces dry out for several days before picking it up with paper towels. This animal waste, along with the decomposing materials all around her house, lead to a highly toxic and unsafe breathing environment. As a result, she was coughing constantly. She could not get through a single sentence without coughing throughout. She also had sinus issues, where her sinuses would would become irritated and inflamed, leading to horrendous headaches that would cause her to need to lie down for days at a time.
She did not connect these health issues, in any way, to the toxic living environment around her. Nor did she understand or agree that the air in her home was unsafe and unhealthy to be breathing.
After much effort on my part, including doing research online with hoarding specialists (therapists and psychologists who specialize in hoarding) and making many mistakes, I was able to work with her to allow me to remove the carpet, install a dog door, potty train the dogs, and clean her heating duct work. Although the home still has decomposing materials throughout and still too much stuff, this improvement lead to significantly safer and better indoor air quality. Her coughing cleared up within a couple of days of all this work and her sinuses flair up about a tenth of the time that they used to. Remarkably, she was unaware of the improvements in her coughing, not realizing she was coughing pretty much any time she was speaking and even having fits when she wasn't speaking.
Although my mom still has hoarding disorder issues, I feel good about the significant improvements we made which have dramatically improved her health.
It was a very frustrating and challenging process, as my mother often heard criticism or condescension when I was trying to help and would "shut down." I would often need to leave in the middle of a project because she was often combative and/or upset to the point that progress would not be possible. After leaving, I would revisit helpful websites and learn how to approach her differently. It was (and still is) a challenge to work around her many confounding issues and triggers. Progress is a part of the process, but she often regresses to old habits with even the slightest stressor. She also regresses to old habits in the absence of help.
If you have successfully helped someone with hoarding disorder, I would greatly appreciate hearing some of the strategies you found effective.
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I can relate to this. My dad is a hoarder and it has drained so much of my energy and enthusiasm over the years. It has caused countless, horrific fights. I don’t think he wants to completely clean everything up because it will leave him exposed and vulnerable. It’s like a distraction or a project that he is always “working” on which gives him a sense of purpose and identity maybe. If everything was clean and organized than he would have to face himself and not be able to hide behind the clutter anymore. Maybe having something to always “work” on or a never- ending project is what gives him a sense of importance or purpose. This disease has brought so much pain and emotional and mental fatigue to my family for so many years.
@RopeSwingDreams
2 жыл бұрын
Those are my same exact thoughts for my mother-in-law! We had a family reunion this weekend and when trying to get a plan for her to deal with her stuff, it dawned on me that if she finally got rid of it all, she’d have nothing to complain about or hide behind. She would have to face reality, her ‘demons’ (whatever those are for her), and be vulnerable. She says she wants help so we try to get started but there’s always an excuse or pushback and nothing gets accomplished. It’s a never ending cycle.
@travismoore8337
2 жыл бұрын
RopeSwingDreams I think they want the constant attention and if the mess goes away then the attention and focus on them goes away too. I appreciate your comment. We’re in the same boat. Hang in there.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Love seeing this thread. RopeSwingDreams, I wish your phrase, "but there's always an excuse or pushback and nothing gets accomplished" was not so relatable. The excuses are endless and stymie any change before you can get started. I feel my mom is "frozen" in a world of indecision... indecision that always seems to result in "no changes." The only exception is that she easily makes decisions to acquire more stuff. Travis, I can relate to your comment about your enthusiasm and energy being drained over the years. Increasingly, I am thinking I may remove myself from any role of support and help... I feel defeated WAY more often and intensely than I feel there is any progress or success. It seems I have to sacrifice a HUGE amount of my own energy, attention, time, and resources (money, physical labor, etc.) to make only the smallest positive improvements in her life... and then she seems to relax to old habits at a later time rather than use the improvements as momentum to keep making further improvements.
@matter9
6 ай бұрын
Perfectly describes my family circumstance. Add in some narcissism and elitist attitude w.r.t. classic car restoration and the picture is fully fleshed out. Any and all projects undertaken by the family as a group are always left 99% complete, “so [he] can come back and do it over better later”. I’m coming to realization that is is an abusive relationship. The series of events is knowingly inflicted on the other members of the family, and instead of any statements of remorse or compassion for causing this pain to multiple people over multiple decades, only statements of self justification are presented as rebuttal. There is an addiction component here too I’m quite sure. “It was a good deal” and then is left outside indefinitely. A better deal, financially, would be to not acquire it in the first place. Hypocrisy, double standards, and duplicitousness are also quite familiar. End result, as others have said, is emotional and physical draining toward complete depletion. Best of luck all, but I’m becoming more and more convinced the only way forward is no contact.
@oneinharmony
6 ай бұрын
Both my parents were hoarders. I can say that hoarders are NPDs who get supply from things NOT people.
Thank you for this video. This sounds EXACTLY like my mom and me in her house...only downside was as we were constantly fighting about cleaning up and me trying to help and in a way getting somewhere, she suddenly passed away in a car accident the middle of this process. So many mistakes made and it took me a Month to clean up her house by myself as I didnt want to let anyone else in to protect her dignity. 😢 Be thankful your mom is still there and help help help as mich as you can and work with their Boundaries. They DO NEED YOU, even if they push you away. I miss my mom dearly and will clean up any hoard for her any day just to have her here again.
My mom hoarded. She didn't care. She died in her home alone not caring about address her behavior or improving her life. There is no reason to tip toe around them, no reason to try to help or explain, or try to do approach in alternative ways. Its all a waste of time. Just live your life and accept that they are just the miserable people they will always be. Be a better example and break family curses.
@essebug1066
15 күн бұрын
Yes! I'm 30+ years into this mess. I moved away from her and out of her city 15 years ago. It is the only thing you can do. Just get out and get therapy. They are at the very heart of it all are narcissists.
Some of the bizarre things my mother kept were stacks of empty cans, styrofoam trays that meat comes in, and a stack of flattened out foil gum wrappers. Everything was useful and there was no such thing as "I have enough of these now". She would sometimes say that she needed to get rid of things, but I always knew she would leave it all for us to deal with.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing.
@7YBzzz4nbyte
Жыл бұрын
My dad had those stacks too except for the foil gum wrappers I think.
@shmataboro8634
9 ай бұрын
@@7YBzzz4nbytewith mom it was the little foil wrappers from snack cakes. All neatly flattened and stacked in a drawer next to her recliner.
The breaking point for me is when my mum started storing stuff in my room and I moved. Growing up, there were multiple fights about clutter. She has no insight of her condition. Then there are relatives who don't understand and blame the children for the disconnect. You are absolutely patient to be doing this.
@Nottotv
3 ай бұрын
It's crazy when you go to visit during the holidays you have to sleep on the floor while those items are stacked on the bed in the empty room. Makes u feel like they value things before people.
My elderly mother got to the point where she asked me to come and help her clean, organize, and throw things out. Her housing was threatened by the debris outside of her house being in violation of her lease, and in this economy I really didn’t want to have to deal with an eviction. It took me three trips to clean her kitchen sink and stovetop out from the mountain it was under. I took a week to myself because I got sick, and when I returned the following week to do more there was already another mountain of dirty dishes accumulating in the sink and on the stove top. I receive every excuse in the world as to why she couldn’t do it herself, her body has pain, her pets are acting up, etc. But the truth is she’s been living like this for decades and will never make the effort. Is this an actual disability, or bad behavior? I don’t know, but I can’t keep doing this. I have my own life to worry about, my own bills to pay, and my own house to clean. Most people in my generation are burning themselves out with work just to get by. How are we supposed to literally move mountains for people who won’t help themselves? My only advice for someone trying to help a hoarder is to make sure you’re helping yourself by trying to improve your own situation, with or without them.
My mom is a hoarder too. I think hoarding is a symptom of something bigger. My mom is a covert narcissist
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing. I just started learning about narcissism in the past year, and it has been eye opening. Learning about narcissism is helping me understand how I participate in relationships with narcissists... for example validating their perspective and empathizing with them (but not receiving any validation or empathy from them). I am working on identifying narcissism in others more quickly so I can engage in healthier ways, mostly by setting appropriate boundaries. Hoarding is almost always accompanied by myriad other mental health issues and can also be a direct symptom of obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and depression.
@coolrunnings3
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm 🤔What would be the difference between OCPD and OCD?
@quantinawilliams7063
2 жыл бұрын
All narcissist are people who cover their addictions because their control freaks
@laduzitv5019
2 жыл бұрын
its the lack of intelligence. its an instinct that becomes more relevant in the human mind. Everything that is human leaves the mind (I'm exaggerating to a point a bit), thus only leaving an animalistic mentality, which is to collect things. Animals have known to collect things all around the world. We are apart of the world.
@SKOLAH
7 ай бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstormThere are links between narcissistic abuse and becoming a hoarder. Hoarders were abused by a narcissistic parent. Not in all cases.
My mom is kind of a hoarder, not the crazy kind, but she believed that useful items should be kept for future use (which was never the case). My dad is a sentimental keeper, he used to buy things just for the novelty of it, and often times never used. We are trying to de-clutter our house -it's a slow process but going well! It is indeed consuming both physical and mental. Wish us luck!
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Glad to hear the de-clutter process is going well! There is a woman who is documenting her declutter process on KZread (she inherited a large hoard of nice items from her mom) and she has a pretty big following already. Apparently, people enjoy watching the de-cluttering process :)
My dad (currently age 70 in 2023) has a Hoarding Problem. He hoards too many laser printers, computer monitors, & old laser printer toner cartridges at his house. Before his retirement at age 66, his occupation was a Computer Technician (hence all the laser printers, computer monitors, etc...); he used the house for his occupation to save money for renting a place to do his business. Of course, it did generate conflict with my mother, who did not approve him bringing his business home (this started back in the early 2000s). But by 2010 to his retirement in 2019, things started to get out of control in regards to his work occupation caused more hoarding to my family's house. In fact in 2019, the backyard was filled with way too many old printers, old computer monitors, & old toner cartridges that it actually made our next door neighbors very concern. In fact in 2019, my father was rushed to the hospital because he got a heart attack. He got a heart attack because he was angry at my neighbor who called the City Social Worker to come inspect. The social worker did saw the house nearly become unlivable & they did write a citation on him, which triggered my father to really got emotional; so emotional that he collapsed & they have to rushed him to the hospital. After all that mess, everyone, from my mother, to the doctor, & social worker suggested him that he's at the perfect age for retirement. They also suggested my father to seek psychological help. But the latter of seeking psychological help only triggered my father's emotions even further. So they made a negotiation about only seek retirement, otherwise faced the consequences of his actions. He accepts retiring. But he was very angry. They even suggested to clean out the stuff. But so difficult. He officially retires from the PC Technician business on December 2019. BUT, he's still angry about cleaning up & he's unwilling to clean up... He even readies to file a lawsuit to counter attack at my next-door neighbor for filing a complaint report on him... According to him, he claimed all the old PCs, printers, & toner cartridges have value for selling to the scrap yard, especially if he waited for the "inflation period". But from what I saw, they were irrational. My next-door neighbor eventually moved out in late 2019 to avoid escalating the conflict between them & my father. However, my mother & I are feeling powerless to help him... He has 2 face: 1 face is he loves & care for me & my mother like a normal father would. But the other face is this selfish monster who's putting me & my mother's health & well-being at risk... I did seek psychiatric care myself & my psychiatrist told me that the only thing I can do is only take care myself & my parents to the best of my ability. I unfortunately, cannot afford moving out to live on my own due to the rise in cost of living in my area... I did successfully graduate college (struggled a lot though...) & did get a job with it that is close to my family's home. However, my job's salary is not enough to help me move out of my father's house & be independent on my own due to high cost of living environment... My mother also refuses to divorce my father. She told me that she really loved him & vowed in her marriage "For better or for worst" she would be there. She also told me that divorcing would only escalate the conflict & situation in my father. I love my father too... In fact I understand for him... He was born & raise in a Vietnamese Family in the Rural Areas of Vietnam DURING the Vietnam War. My psychiatrist analyzed to me that my father may struggled from PTSD due to his childhood. In fact, my father's not alone with this mental health struggle of his. His siblings (aka. my aunts & uncles) & his father (aka. my grandfather) also struggles with hoarding stuff. In fact, on my father side when I visit them, I saw all of them hoards stuff too that it made their house seems to be unlivable... Added to the problem is the Vietnamese Cultural Norms, where it's highly forbidden to questioned about the "elder one's life style" & I was born & raise to learn about that Viet Culture Teachings. The "Honor Thy Father & Mother" is very important to the Viet Culture Norms that it is considered SHAMEFUL & DISRESPECTFUL for a child like myself to raise concerns to the elder's well-being, even though it's for good intentions... More issues is that the societal norms have stigmatized mental illness & that mental illness = shame... For now, the least I can do is just follow what my psychiatrist suggested me to do: take good care of myself & practice improving myself 1 day at a time. I did succumb to mental health struggles of my own due to being exposed to a family member who has mental health struggles. My mental health struggles resulted in me having difficulties maintaining healthy friendships with my surroundings... That's why from my psychiatrist suggestion, I am to continue practice improving myself & also practice creating a "force field barrier" between myself & my father. I can interact with my father like normal, or I'll try to... But not easy... Hopefully one day, there will be change & that the suffering will end...
I had this problem with my Dad... figured out that the ask for help has to come from them! I started with asking him why he doesn't display his beautiful things or use the items he had. Over the time he started thinking about that of his own... and at the end (after 2 years) he said I can't do it on my own, I need help there is to much garbage mixed in... and then we started... I had to ask for his permission of every item to remove, even if it was rotten food. Over 3 month the process got easier to manage because he started to realise where the difference between things of real value and waste was.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Glad to hear you have been able to help your Dad. That is wonderful news. It also sounds like you planted great seeds in his mind, such as asking him why he doesn't display his beautiful things, and then giving him space (years) to consider. Asking permission is critical, in my opinion. If you just throw things away for the person without asking them, it is doing nothing to change their habits/behaviors which are the cause of situation in the first place. This strategy helps in the short run but does nothing to help in the long run. By focusing on the person and helping them change their habits, instead, then you are helping improve the situation long term. Thank you for sharing your personal experience and kudos to you and your dad for finding ways to create a better living environment for him, ongoing.
@Dream-bebe
Жыл бұрын
Congrats 🎊
@zippagraphics
Жыл бұрын
You are fortunate to be blessed with patience and also to have gotten to that point.
@arlenefisher1164
26 күн бұрын
YES !!!! this.
I am so warmed up by the love you have for her, you accept her and want to help and that just makes me so happy.
Wow, I can totally relate. My mother is in her own world and I had to cut all ties with her for my own mental health. I do admire your patience and devotion to your mom.
@geraldkaczmarek626
2 жыл бұрын
Rhiannon, I can totally understand and I had to do the same with cutting ties with my mom. I just couldn't take it, and she's embarrassed by her disorder and won't do nothing about it. I had to sever ties. I did it for my own mental health.
@rses916
Жыл бұрын
@@geraldkaczmarek626 you both have done the right thing. I only help her clean her mess because she has 2 cats that Ive had since I was 14 years old who still live with her and I love them dearly and when she goes on vacation I clean her house and the cats feel so much relaxed and happier. When they die I'd never lift a finger to help with her garbage. I also have distanced myself from her and going to her house makes me stressed out I have PTSD from the hell I went through when I lived with her. She also has uBPD and who knows what else. I'm currently cleaning her house and I'm emotionally a hot mess from all the garbage and taking everything and cleaning my adrenalin is high but it's for 2 months so I will live in a clean place for 2 months my cats and I.
@Annykah803
3 ай бұрын
Wanted to comment the same thing. I admire his ability to talk about this so calmly. I have tried my whole life to help my mom declutter and organize stuff, but she either never let me or it would all creep back in again in no time. When I was a child I often had anger and anxietx issues bc "my room" was also used by her to fill up with clutter. Often felt like I could not breathe! There were Stapels of old advertising pamphlets and newspaper right beside my bed - it drove me crazy. So one day I secretly brought them to the dumpster when she was out of house, but she caught me when she came back and got really mad. Even twenty years later she would talk about it like I committed a crime or sth. It drained so much energy and caused so much trauma which I am only now come to deal with. I have accepted the fact that you cannot help adults who do NOT want or are able to accept help and start letting go! And we cannot force them, but must accept their decision as sad as it is. What I can do is setting strong boundaries, heal the trauma from growing up in a cluttered environment and that’s a lot already. I don’t have the mental capability to deal with crazy hoarding behaviour. That’s why I also had to cut most ties with my mother to protect my own mental health.
I will not tolerate hoarding! I had to tolerate it as a kid, but I have 0 tolerance for it an as adult. I’ve scared my parents straight by having the junk removal people come and just throw all of that shit out😂🤷♀️ none of those things are valuable.
You are terrific person god bless
My mom moved in with my grandmother to care for her when she was in her 90s and had been a hoarder. Slowly she would go through and sort things into groups. Little by little she'd bring in a collection of one item and set them in front of my grandma. Say it was 30 sets of nail clippers. She'd ask her to pick out 5 to get rid of (trash/yard sale/give away - whatever line of reasoning was appropriate for the item that she'd agree to). Then move on to something else. After a couple months she'd bring out the remaining 25 and ask her to get rid of 5 more. Little by little everything got paired down to a much more manageable state. But it took a lot of time and patience from my mom so as not to overwhelm my grandma or make her feel like she was being forced to get rid of all her stuff. She also would take certain things and just put them away in a different place than it usually was kept until grandma would ask "where's this?" Once my mom brought the item out to reassure her that it was still there, just moved around, she would never ask about it again and my mom could dispose of it. Grandma needed to feel validated and couldn't handle a lot of change at once. But over time she just felt a lot better as her place was starting to feel like a home. By the time my grandma passed away, things were SO much better! But throughout the process, my mom would stop if she could see my grandma getting upset or overwhelmed and wait till another time to ask about something else. There had been a turning point a few years before my mom moved in that had cut back on a lot of the bulk. My grandma had gone into the hospital and before letting her go home they did a wellness check and would not let her return to it the way it was. My uncle and his wife did a mass declutter and organized everything that was left. But my grandma always resented them for that. By the time my mom moved in the hoard had started creeping back in and was already creating hazards. Instead of trying to reason with her on the big picture, my mom tackled it section by section, like items with like items, and just asked "do you need 50 pairs of sewing scissors?" "Do you need 500 bookmarks when you can only get through one or two books at a time?" (Grandma was an avid reader and had been a seamstress, so there were TONS of books, crafting materials, etc.) When she saw that she had plenty of one thing, it was easier to say "oh I only need x number of those" because so much of it was bought when she couldn't find the ones she already had. Nothing had a place to return to after every use. Plus everywhere she went she'd buy 3, 4, 5+ of various junk to give as gifts. It started making sense why she would send me 2 of the same postcard when I was a kid. She had so many of each she forgot which ones she already sent me. We would find more of the same exact ones in her stuff.
@arlenefisher1164
26 күн бұрын
God bless your mother and the Wisdom He gave her.
My mother is a hoarder and I don't find an option to move out. We live in New York City. I stay in a room next to the living room. There I keep my own mini-refrigerator, microwave, and a pressure cooker-air frier. Going to the kitchen or bathroom is a nightmare because of a German roach infestation and mice. She has always been narcissistic among other mental deficiencies. I work and make about 50k a year. Yet, I can't find an apartment in a decent area close to my job, and at the same time live alone. We are not on speaking terms for years. Today, I am waiting for the day she dies. It is terrible to say, but I and my siblings would be in peace once this happens. She was never a good person. She is living a self-created hell that she deserves. A two-year-old box of cookies that she will never open, is more valuable than any human relationship she ever had. Unfortunately, I am stuck.
@lizelissa
3 жыл бұрын
Are you sure she prefers objects to you? It may very well be the disorder which makes it so difficult to discard things. She does need therapy. Can you get her to talk to somebody, even if it’s a church rep or a mediator? The disorder makes it appear that ppl prefer their hoard.
@DRknthNWtr
3 жыл бұрын
Hoarding is an insidious disease. It’s often better to have someone other than a family member or friend discuss the issues with the hoarder. I hope things improve for you. I have a friend in New York City who is in the same predicament as you, and can’t find a place either. It’s very difficult there. Good Luck.
@markman63
3 жыл бұрын
On e saw a vid about a hoarder in NY who only could enter his apartment through a window because he could not open the front door anymore because of all the junk
@_Alimm
2 жыл бұрын
I have a less harsher relationship with my mother but I relate so much about living in NYC and it being so expensive to move out that it feels like you're stuck in the space. I try to be grateful but the hoarding gets to be too much at times
@crystalmendoza5727
Жыл бұрын
I 100% understand you. My boyfriend’s mom is like this so selfish and shamelessly filthy but she is the victim of the entire world. She is unbelievably lazy too and abusive. Biggest hoarder and worst person hands down I’ve ever come across.
You are a saint for the gentle way you approach your mother. I'm not as nice, though I try to show and remind her of the benefits of a clean spot, a clean corner, a clean room. Biohazard, fire hazard, fall hazard, all apply. She can't bathe because the tub is full of dirty laundry. She can't cook because the stove is covered in garbage. Whole rooms are stuffed with trash and blocked off with more boxes and bags. I don't even think the home is salvageable, decades of mouse droppings circulate through the air. She also has a horrific, rasping, continual cough. When I try to haul stuff out, she argues over every item. She refused to allow a "vintage" suitcase soaked in mouse urine, filled with chewed nesting materials be thrown out. She wanted to GIFT toys, bedding, games to babies and children though they were covered in mouse turds. She views me as the enemy, insults me frequently, though I am slowly making room in the house and making it safer. Buried frayed electrical cords, hidden broken items, etc. I'm almost 60 and hauling out broken couches, beds, appliances alone. My two gradeschool-age nieces still have to live here. What a shame and horror to be unable to invite friends over to this hellhole. My Mom was always prone to collecting, but somewhere along the line while I was raising my own family she took a deep dive downward. I don't have any time to screw around with being gentle, though I try to emphasize the benefits she'll enjoy. I come in like a bulldozer, I throw out what's a biohazard, unsafe, unusable. If she wants to complain or curl up in a fetal position in bed while I detox her house and protect her from this dangerous squalor, oh well. She's not in her right mind. She's unfit to make safe and healthy choices. I'd rather be doing ANYTHING ELSE! The breaking point came when an anonymous letter came to me complaining that other family who lived near to her weren't caring for her. I travel round-trip six hours every weekend for this joy. I'm not going to let her die in that squalor. I can only hope she will eventually see the wisdom in cleaning up her environment, even if it's painful parting with her "treasure" now.
My dad went through my room while i was away for vacations, i always suspected he would take stuff, but never cared to check, well i just found my painting rag in a chair for the cats to sit on, I WOULD NEVER forget my rag, it was so dear to me and important, as soon as i saw it i freaked the fuck out, asked him 100 times if he took it, he denied it, but now im PARANOID AS HELL!!! this rag its been in my painting projects for five years FIVE YEARS and i NEVER forgot it, it was supposed to be extremely clean rag so i dont have cat or dog hair in it so it wont stuck to my brushes so it wont be on my painting, and all of the sudden is in that chair that i never noticed before, last time i painted it was long ago since i do more art with oil pastels. GUYS I WANT TO CRY, WHY HE KEEPS TAKING STUFF HE DOESNT NEED OUT OF MY ROOM???
@arlenefisher1164
26 күн бұрын
Can you put a lock on your door?
My mom is a hoarder too and it’s been very tough. It god to the point where I moved into the basement into a room the size of a closet because she started hoarding her belongings in my room 😩
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
I hope you are safe and taking good care of yourself. Is the rest of the home healthy to be in for you? Would moving into your own place, completely away from your mom's hoarding, be a viable option?
I’ve dealt with hoarding on and off for two decades myself. Every ten years things get bad typically after something really bad happens in my life. My family has had to come in and help me organize and get rid of stuff. I absolutely hate people touching my stuff. I have no problem throwing trash out but I hoard brand new stuff. If everything has a place I can keep it very clean but I have a hard time organizing because I have temporal lobe dysfunction. When I move it’s a disaster. One thing that helps me is if my brother or mom can quickly hold up items and I say keep or get rid of. We separate everything in boxes then remove the boxes of stuff I don’t want and put away and organize the stuff I do want. Every night before bed I walk my house with a trash bag and pick up all the trash and take that bag out to my big trash can. I also swiffer my floors every night before I go to bed to try to keep them clean because I do have dogs.
Such a loving son to do this for your Mum!
Great tips. Thanks for sharing your story. It is so hard. My parents hoard, and I’ve given up trying to help them. I love them, and what they are doing is painful to watch, but I’ve given up trying to help. Every conversation brings them and me sadness, and changes nothing. They don’t budge an inch. You are so sweet to help your mom. I hope she realizes how lucky she is to have you.
@tonifonseca9178
3 жыл бұрын
Agree.. I also vacillate between anger of the extreme and sorrow because I'm not even in the same state and I know how bad it is because I have an ex-sister-in-law that lives there and it's not her job to clean it I've already cleaned that house too many times she's 78 years old needs medication but I doubt she's going to change her ways she's incredibly stubborn as they all are she doesn't see it as a problem but they could not get a gurney in there and if she falls down she cannot get up I've already sent keys to my friends to her house in the event that we cannot get ahold of her
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing your experience and decision to give up trying to encourage your parents to change their situation.. I think it can be a weight off the shoulders and empowering to release the desire to help others who resist help. It is easier said than done to let go (at least for me it is)... so thank you for sharing that you have been able to take that step of letting go :) If you have any tips on what helped you be able to do that, I know many people, including myself, are interested in healthy ways of letting go.
@tonifonseca9178
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm I personally talked to my aunt her sister and she basically said we have all tried and failed so what can we do? She never watched soap operas but now she does.. Instead of putting trash in bags and to the recycling bin... Then watches QVC and gemporia and orders more stuff.. I'm worried about her but can't get there due to pandemic unless I drive
@kimvalkema9998
2 жыл бұрын
My husband is a hoarder. It's very overwhelming for me. I'm at my wits end and having trouble making my marriage last.
Spot on, my mom is also moderate-severe hoarder and everything you said resonated exactly. Tough situation for us (and them) 😞
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Tough is right! Sheesh... a difficult journey full of many more seeming "defeats" than successes.
You are so kind and smart! Allowing her to have her dignity while solving the problem!
I am the hoarder. I also have bipolar 2, and other issues. My mental/behavioral health is such that I have driven away everyone who might have wanted to help me. I am hoping that your videos will help me find ways to get back to at least being safe in my own place. Your videos are, so far, the ones I can connect with best of all that I've found online. Thanks for making them!
@Jasmine-vy8ig
3 жыл бұрын
You can do it. GIVE up everthing give away. You will see how you are going to be happy.👍
@SamWilcke
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing, Doug. It sounds like a very challenging situation for you. Please feel free to share any aspect of your journey. Although positive outcomes are great to hear, I believe many people also benefit from hearing about other people's specific challenges and/or obstacles. Based on your comment, it seems like you may not currently feel safe in your own place? If so, what are some aspects of your place that feel unsafe?
@dougpettey7144
3 жыл бұрын
@@SamWilcke It's a combination of food decay on dirty dishes, food trash that becomes mold, poor air quality because of the dirt and dust, and the risk of falling because of inadequate paths that get blocked by shifting debris. There is also issues of house maintenance that I can't address because of the stuff everywhere. I miss my life.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
@@dougpettey7144 That sounds like a difficult living situation. It also sounds unsafe, particularly for your respiratory health. If you had a single use, magic wand that could clean all the dishes, remove all the food trash and mold, clean all the dirt and dust, purify the air, and organize/remove debris, as appropriate for you, do you think you would be able to keep the house in that cleaner state, afterwards, or do you think things would likely return back to the state they are in now?
@dougpettey7144
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm I used to think I would maintain it all cleaned up. But, after the 2nd intervention, I'm afraid it will just slowly build back up. Now that I have counseling and will be starting additional meds soon, I have a little hope. If/when it ever gets livable again, my thought is to just budget whatever it takes to have a weekly housekeeper come in. I had that in place about 18 years ago and it was the best! Not only did they keep things caught up, I felt accountable for how things were going to be when Thursdays came around. But, in a manic episode, I bought a car and, "couldn't afford," to keep the service. Of course, I forgot to set up automatic payments on the car so it got repo'd. Mental illness sucks the life right out of me. At least now I know what's wrong with me. You have to latch on to hope wherever you find it.
I feel it is really important for people to learn about hoarding from the perspective of a family member who (lthough struggling to understand the issues) nonetheless clearly loves and respects their family member enough to want to work on helping, by communicating with them. People who hoard often feel lonely and isolated as they know others judge their home. Wherever possible, see if you can meet them in a 'neutral place' such as a cafe or park to have the initial discussions about how their health is being affected by their "stuff" (don't call it junk !!)
All of us Children of horders should have our blood drawn and saved as we have super immunity. I never get sick now as an adult. My Mom would smaoke in the house as well. I'm happy yet sad I had to live through it.
My mom is a hoarder, she also had a lot of childhood trauma growing up with an abusive grandmother and alcoholic father. She has NPD and is in constant denial of reality. I treat her like a two years old, having hard boundaries and act like her parent. It seemed to work for her, she wouldn’t listen otherwise. She’s terrified of being abandoned but always becomes so intolerable that no one wants to live or interact with her. My sister and I just clean out her house every now and then, when she’s gone. At least for a few years after that she is not living in a dangerous environment until her plant hoarding and recyclable hoarding is not pilling up to the point of toxic dump. She would get mad at us for a few months but we just don’t do anything. She needs us and eventually had to make up because she’s lonely with no friends.
I just walked away. She is a lost cause and I’m not going to let her illness continue to make a negative impact on my life in any way.😊
Thank you I needed to hear this
My mother is a hoarder right now. We cannot open the passenger door in the garage, there is old furniture, many dish sets, broken appliances, and storage containers just everywhere. You are right that people like this are VERY difficult to deal with. I made a video walkthrough of my home and not only can you hear here going through I assume mania, but she is incessantly insulting me as I calmly record the home. When I told her I posted it online, she had a panic attack and promptly blamed me for the panic she felt of people seeing her behavior and the state of her home. Though she hit me in the video, erratically insulted me without me responding, and has clutter EVERYWHERE, it is my fault. As a kid you really believe that stuff, but now that I’m an adult I see her as mentally ill. Unfortunately I don’t think there’s any helping her.
@1muddonna
Жыл бұрын
Have YOU actually ever tried to help a hoarder clean their home? It is impossible. They are combative, hostile, unreasonable.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
Жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing, Jeremy. You are spot on that kids are particularly susceptible to believing that someone else's poor behavior is their fault. Like an adult being very upset and behaving poorly and blaming YOU for it. I wish I could go back in time and record some of the interactions I had like that as a kid so I could see how irrational people were being to me at times. It is trickier when you are a kid to differentiate whether an adult is behaving poorly (and has issues of their own) or if your own behavior is something that truly does need to be addressed/corrected. I believe it is easier to differentiate these situations, now that I am an adult.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
Жыл бұрын
It can be helpful to someone's own mental health to have video evidence of the way they are being treated by someone important to them (especially when that treatment involves abuse). For example, it is common for someone who is being gaslit and/or abused to record their experiences of being gaslit. If you find yourself recording conversations with someone close to you, it is a sign you may feel gaslit. It also makes sense to me that someone would record something that is potentially affecting their own life and their loved ones, no matter what that was.
@jeremyg591
Жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm ultimately the best thing to learn is how to be a better parent ourselves. Let mistakes only result in improvement
Your such a good Son and Person ,I think your words are on track. CANT WAIT to see your other vids. THANKS Again from Florida.
Your story is my story with my mother. Thank you for sharing.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing, Aimee. Apparently, this story is becoming increasingly common. I am really grateful for all the online resources, which have been invaluable.
My mom would not get up to let the dog out. She would put paper down every day for the dog to pee on. She taught the dog to pee and poop in the house. I ended up staying at her house for a few months. I got up every morning to let the dog out. It didn't pee or poop in the house anymore. She also had boxes of mail she kept. She said she was afraid she would throw something out that was important. She had a tree fall on her roof. The contractor had to rent a storage trailer for her to put all of her stuff in from just the kitchen just so he could get into to do the repairs. My sister tried to force Mom to get rid of stuff. I think my mom almost had a stroke, seriously. My mom did all the coughing too, she couldn't figure out it was from all the dust. I got sick staying there from the dust.
This was incredibly helpful with conversations I need to have with my mum. Thank you for this!
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
I hope it helps with your conversations. Good luck :)
Thank you so much. This is amazing. I can relate
Well done. thnx.
Sadly, a hoarder can not be helped until such time as they "want" the help. Its the same with Alcoholism, gambling etc. My children have a similar problem with their father (Not the pets though). They constantly tell him they will clean everything up and sort out his "stuff", while he is supervising, but he flat out refuses to deal with it. Mean while it piles up and up.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
@Aussie Flag Thank you for your comment and for sharing something personal your children are dealing with. I have mixed feelings and thinking about your statement that someone "can not be helped until such time as they 'want' the help." I agree with you, in the sense that someone will not change their behaviors unless they "want" to change. However, I'm not sure I agree that someone cannot be helped who does not currently "want" help. For example, the idea behind an intervention for an alcoholic is to provide information back to the alcoholic that a large group of their friend circle is concerned about their health and wellbeing. This intervention, although unwanted and unasked for, can sometimes be a helpful life experience for an alcoholic... helping them understand that 1) their friends/family think they have a problem and 2) their friends/family love them and care about them. Ultimately the alcoholic will only change if they "want" to, but the intervention may end up becoming seminal in their recovery. Did you know that most people diagnosed with hoarding disorder were unaware that they had a hoarding disorder (prior to their diagnosis)? Similarly, my mom was completely unaware that she had a hoarding disorder and that it was leading to her rapidly declining health. When I first started bringing up her hoarding, she thought I was insulting her. She thought hoarding was something "other" people did and that it was shameful. She was also not making the connection between her deteriorating health (e.g., worsening cough, constant sinus issues & migraines) and the toxic environment she was living in (animal urine/feces and decaying materials in her home). My "help" was totally unwanted and unwelcome, and yet I believe I significantly helped my mom. I think there is a slim chance she would be alive today had I not intervened those years ago. And, the reason for posting these videos is to try to help people in similar situations to mine, specifically on how to help someone who is neither asking for or "wanting" help. For reference, here is more and relevant detail I provided in response to another comment: "Before I helped out, my mother was living in a toxic environment. For example, her two dogs peed and pooped exclusively inside her home on her carpet. They would actually hold their pee while on a walk and immediately relieve themselves on her carpet when they returned home. She would leave the urine to dry out. She would leave the feces for several days (sometimes weeks) and pick it up with a napkin after it had dried. At any given time when you walked through the front door, you would see quite a few piles of poop, in various states of drying out. The animal waste, combined with the dust from all the materials decaying in her home, made for a terrible breathing environment. If I visited, my sinuses would start having issues almost immediately when walking through the front door. The stench was horrendous and clearly bad for anyone's health. I do not experience headaches normally, but I would always have a sinus headache upon departing her home. Her health had deteriorated to the point that she could not say three words without coughing. She was constantly coughing while talking. And she ran out of breath during even short walks. She would frequently have multi day headaches that were debilitating to the point she would stay in bed for most of the day. She also thought she had "allergies" as she was constantly stuffed up with allergy like symptoms. I believe if I had not intervened in the way that I did, helping her make her environment at least safe to live in, she would have passed away several years ago from health issues. My unwelcome and unwanted help changed her living environment from a toxic biohazard to a clean and healthy, if still moderately disorganized, living environment. After I removed the carpet, added a dog door, helped discard many of the decaying items, potty trained her dogs, installed a flooring system that could be easily cleaned if peed on (vinyl flooring), cleaned the entire home, and had the heating ducts professionally cleaned (they hadn't been cleaned in decades), her cough, which she had been getting worse for years, went away completely in two days. She hasn't had a cough since, and it has been several years. She no longer gets her "allergies" as she called them, and her headaches are much more rare (every few months rather than multiple a week). I talk about this background in the following video: kzread.info/dash/bejne/pWhkztBqaJidj7g.html .... In my case, I made a ton of mistakes along the way to helping her. As I learned more about her disorder and how I could more effectively help, I decided to document what worked for me in this video series (including this video) as well as what didn't work. It turns out that what works well for other people trying to help hoarders also worked for me. The Do's and Don'ts I presented in this video are largely taken from what works for specialists who specialize in working with those with hoarding disorder. A quick search on the web will reveal as much."
Thank you so much for posting. I don't even know where to begin with my mom, hopefully your videos will be a good starting point!
Smart thinking to put doggie carpet outside after doggie door. Blessings to you and yours✌️💛🤗ThankYOU
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you, although this may have been one of the many tips I picked up from online research (rather than my own idea). It worked like a charm! So grateful for the ever growing online help and Do It Yourself community.
I am convinced that hoarding has its roots in narcissism.
@yarnarrutor9418
5 ай бұрын
I agree. Most hoarders are narcissists. They aren't overt, but covert narcissists. Hoarding is exquisitely selfish.
Wow😊 I am dealing with similar situation with my parents.
I think you're a wonderful person for helping your mom, even if she doesn't say or show you what it means to her, I'm sure it is helpful knowing deep down that someone cares.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you Pamela Fox. She does seem open to discussing her gratitude these past few months, as she is understanding how helpful the changes we made have been. It was an unexpected and welcome shift.
My mother was a hoarder type, lived in some filth, was lax about the house. I was the kid who cleaned while I lived with them. She told me after i left that she had no idea of how much I did. I cooked, cleaned, babysat younger sister, did dishes, chickens and gardening. As she aged, the house went to pot, she would not allow helpers inside the house. Too ashamed. It stunk to high heaven. Placed in nursing home and her room was at the front of facility Her area was so dirty, with bugs, that they moved her to another hallway. Yep, Mom was a pip.. A right mess.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
It was the same for my siblings and me, growing up. One of my sisters and I did all the house keeping. We made sure the home was a healthy environment to live in. When we moved out, the house went downhill very fast.
I'm sorry you had to go through that, I feel for you
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you. It has been a challenging, rewarding, frustrating, connecting, difficult, at times, journey.
Wow, that would explain my moms cough and sinus issues. Interesting.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
In my mom's case, much of the furnishings are "dry rotting" and falling apart, making her breathing air full of particles. You can see these types of particles and how many are given off by firmly patting the object (like a couch cushion) when there is a beam of sunshine to light up the particles.
Wow, I am dealing with the same thing. Thank you for sharing
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Also, if you ever want to share any of your successes or failures in your attempts to help, I (and many others) am interested.
Thank you for sharing your experiences. I was like hearing someone telling me my story of my own mother. From hoarding to narratives
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Hi Miriam. When I made these videos, I was not aware of how many people would identify with this topic. I am grateful so many people are sharing some aspect of their experiences. Hoarding is a growing trend in the world, and, unfortunately, it can be very stressful on the person with the hoarding disorder. I am glad to see the online community providing so many helpful resources to address this growing issue.
Since I been living with my wife (about a year), she's always been messy and since I was the only one working I would always come home to a dirty house. We recently switched where I stay at home and she works and I been doing nothing but cleaning but now she gets really upset about me throwing things away. What I see is broken objects and trash but she insists that the garbage still has purpose or value. I feel bad throwing her things away but it's a danger to have to walk through so much cluttered garbage. She admits she might be a hoarder but will say no to any compromise I have. I'm trying really hard to help her get better since I feel like this is only the beginning stages.
@lovelylesbian5135
Жыл бұрын
Also I would like to add that you are an amazing son to have never given up on your mom and I appreciate you sharing your story so much since this is the first time I felt someone understand what I'm feeling about seeing my loved one struggle with this. It's so much more than our loved one just "being dirty or lazy", there's something buried deep in them that needs to be treated and they need love and support
Sorry for all the comments but I just wanted to say the one thing I have found that helps is starting outside and making a beautiful Zen clean yard area with chairs and plants so whenever she walks inside she will begin to feel that the inside should be the same, helps her want to have the niceness inside
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for your helpful comment/suggestion. When I visited her last summer, we worked outside on her landscape, exclusively... avoiding the indoors altogether.
@skyeisthelimit6531
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm it's a healthier way to bond about the situation all together
Thank you for your story, i suddenly feel AHA momenr when you say inner constant critic, because just few seconds ago i argue with my mother how she changing the word i said to the think she said i said And you gain new subscriber I try look for hoarder video, and i find the psychologist advise not something i cant relate Thank you once again for sharing your story
It is a very slow process. I come from a family of hoarders. I sat with my sister for 2 hours going thru her years of old mail. We just chatted about the old days. She did continue to do it a couple more times. But I made a little simple process, I opened the mail she looked at it some she kept in a box next to her , others where items that had to be taken care very soon. Then rest tons of junk mail She dropped in a box at our feet for me to mark out her information with a thick sharpie marker to be recycled which I put in the recycle can when I left. Hoarders buy the clearance sales with the intention as gifts, that are never given. Now I buy school supplies for kids in need. I keep them all in one location in a tote. Before school starts I take them to the school. I buy things like pencil pouches and binder pouches, binder dividers, paper etc. I have to give it all away. I am helping kids and getting a shopping fix.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Glad to hear you are helping your sister AND kids in need of school supplies. It was always such a treat to get school supplies in preparation for the new school year. That's quite the gift you are giving, and I imagine a lot of children are very excited about what you are providing them. If you are interested in sharing any other tips or experiences related to having family members with hoarding issues, a lot of people watching this video and I are interested.
I completely understand you. I not only grew up with the animal hoarding but also the "collectable" hoarding. My house always went through phases and I can't even keep track of how many totes we had everywhere. Keep growing and try to find a safe space for yourself. It's hard but worth seeking therapy for.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Claire. I moved out when I was 17 to go to college and never lived with my mother again. As an adult, I have been helping her in various ways over the decades, and this group of videos is meant to share some aspects of my journey with helping her within the context of her hoarding. As for therapy, I firmly believe everyone benefits from therapy, and I am no exception. I am very grateful for the discovery, healing, and growth elucidated through various forms of therapy. Thank you for weighing in on my video. Sounds like you found a safe space for yourself?
@claireanderson7352
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for replying. I'm glad you were able to find some peace in the chaos and still help your mom. This video really helped me a lot and helped me not feel alone. I'm still trying to learn how to help my own family member. Thank you for mentioning communication strategies in this video.
My mum have the same problem. I'm able to make one podcast about it.
Sit down with your Mother and have a conversation with her. Talk to her about her life and when she speaks, you sit there (without interrupting) and listen. People who feel powerless, hoard. They get power from the things they collect. They have no voice in the community, so they shut themselves away. Hoarders are not stupid, they know they are hoarding and to say they are unaware of it, is a nonsense.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
Жыл бұрын
Hello Starquant. Thank you for your thoughts. Although many people DO recognize they are hoarders, you are incorrect in believing that ALL hoarders recognize they are hoarding or that their hoarding poses problems. For example, my mom was completely unaware of the problems related to her hoarding (or that she was hoarding). No need to take my word for it. You can look at studies of hoarding or at websites devoted to helping understanding hoarding and you will see that a large portion of those with problematic hoarding issues do not view their situation or behaviors as problematic. For example: "Hoarding disorders are challenging to treat because many people who hoard frequently do not see it as a problem, or have little awareness of how it's affecting their life or the lives of others" From: my.clevelandclinic.org/health/diseases/17682-hoarding-disorder
@WellBeingThunderstorm
Жыл бұрын
Also, when I do have a conversation with her, it is almost always me doing the listening and her doing the talking. I don't interrupt people, as a general rule. Unfortunately, I do allow myself to be interrupted often (something a therapist pointed out to me and something I have had increasing awareness of since that moment). So, our conversations tend to be mostly me listening and her talking. I don't think she could tell you five things that have been important to me as an adult. Conversely, I could tell you a LOT of what is going on in her life (including her pets, her neighbors, the health issues of people she interacts with, the people she misses, her health issues). I care about her and so I listen. I'm a little taken aback that you presume I don't let my mom have a voice when we interact and wonder where you get that from.
@starquant
Жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm My comment was general in nature and not directed towards you personally. It's ironic that you say "all she does is talk"... in my view the fact she keeps doing that is no one actually listens, in that she has never been validated EVER. As a child is not your responsibility to validate her. But sounds like you are on the receiving end because the people who have abused your mother are long gone. She sounds like she's deeply wounded and treats people with the same contempt and disdain that is directed towards her. It really is a two way street. If you try and push, she will push back a lot harder. She probably doesn't want to but it is a learned behaviour and she will do it as a defensive mechanism. There is also a genetic component to this. Those who are genetically predisposed to hoarding will engage in it when something "triggers" it. Once triggered, you won't stop it. Hoarding is mostly known as a physical response to extreme trauma as a result of phycological abuse. It might not be the "trigger" so to speak. The trigger can be anything. But once triggered, if you clean the person out, the next time it gets even bigger and bigger and bigger. Stop looking at her as the "problem", she's a survivor. You can be there for her and if she asks for help do what you can without pulling yourself down the same rabbit hole.
@starquant
Жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm Hoarders do know that they hoard. The fact they don't see it as an issue is also incorrect. Of course they know it's an issue, they're just not going to admit it in front of anyone. You have one hoarder in your family, well congratulations, I have four in mine including myself. Don't try and explain something you don't suffer from yourself because you can only make observations. Hoarders don't want to fix the problem, in fact if you "fix" it for them, they'll just start over again. Hoarding is a comfort response to fear, anxiety, abuse. It's a coping skill developed by the hoarder that enables them to have some control in their life and they are not going to let you take that away from them. Don't believe everything you read.
@vickimerritt2832
6 ай бұрын
@@starquantBest comment ever and so true.
He and I have the same mom.😱
The worst thing about my mother's hoarding is she'll point out others peoples' unique collections of stuff as a problem versus her broken appliances. My mother's hoarding sucks cause it's pure useless crap. It's easier to avoid the topic of her hoarding unless she comments on other people front yards and living rooms.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing about your specific experience. And yes, my mom has an easier time seeing what could be done to address someone's hoard when it is not hers. She has several friends who are hoarders and she sees how challenging the hoard makes life (in their cases). One of her friends died this past winter, his health clearly adversely affected by his hoard which had grown to a point it made the indoor air quality very unhealthy.
I commend your efforts to make a better living condition for your mom. I watch a lot of hoarders to keep my excess in control. A suggestions I would make is to phrase things in a question such as “ Do you feel there is enough room for emergency personal to be able to get in here to save you in an emergency?” If she says yes then “ Would you be comfortable if we had one come in and let you know their opinion of the space?” If she agrees it a tight space you can say “ what do you think we can do to make it better?” If you can give her the control and decision making it might go better. This must be extremely hard and I have not experienced what you have. Good luck and I hope she will begin to see the problem that exists. TFS ❤️
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Yes! I talk about this same example in my Do's and Don'ts video at the 12:45 mark Go to 12:45 at: kzread.info/dash/bejne/kZ-bm5WLecyypM4.html I like your additions about asking if they would be comfortable with a second opinion too. I believe she will only make lasting and ongoing progress if she makes the decisions and feels in control. I don't ever discard anything on my own, and I try to ask about things without having a goal of discarding the item, but rather with the goal of hearing her connection to the item.
@KA-no2rs
Жыл бұрын
This hasn't worked for me, sadly. If I ask her a question like this (what could we do to make this space a little clearer), she says, let's start by getting rid of your things" even though there are very few possessions of mine. When you talk her into a corner she just gets up and walks away.
My husband has a sister and nephew who have partially hoarded their childhood home. The sister has the front hall and front door blocked off which is their second exit in case of a fire. The house has mice and snakes. She is a mental health counselor but doesn't see she has any problem. Sounds like you are doing the best you can. Hoarders are difficult. I grew up with an obsessively clean mother but now I appreciate it. God bless you for being so concerned and patient!
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
You are right that hoarders are difficult. In many cases, including my mom's, there are several other mental health issues at play, which exacerbate the difficulties. So interesting your sister in law is a mental health counselor and does not seem to be addressing (or even acknowledging) a glaring mental health issue in herself. I read somewhere that something like 8 or 9 our of 10 hoarders do not even know that they are hoarding or that it poses health risks to them. My mom was completely unaware of her hoarding when I started pointing it out to her and was not connecting her deteriorating health with the unhealthy living environment she was surrounded by. Glad to hear you were able to grow up in a clean home :)
@nadinenc3097
2 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm She has other personality issues, like paranoia. Best of luck to you.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
@@nadinenc3097 Thank you for pointing this out to me. I just looked up the symptoms and WHAM... mistrust, defensive attitude in response to imagined criticism, preoccupation with hidden motives, inability to relax, argumentative... sheesh, that all sounds like yet more difficulty for her (and me) to try to navigate. Thank you for shedding more light on this as it gives me more ways to research how I might be able to help. If you have any tips for working with someone who has paranoia, I would love to hear them!
@nadinenc3097
2 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm Yes! I don't think there is much can do for paranoia as YOU quickly become a suspicious person yourself. Our bank does these "shredding days" where you dump your old paperwork in a truck and it is safely shredded. We encouraged her to do this as she has TONS of paperwork. She said it's just a scam and "they" go thru your paperwork and get information. And this is just for non-confidential paperwork. Just one example of many.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
@@nadinenc3097 Thanks again for sharing. Your example is helpful.
How people treat the food, spills, animal waste, is a clear difference between those that are the "collector" side of hoarding and the more severe hoarding they show on American Hoarders show. Her, they thrive on triggering the person. Look up the British versions and they treat it so differently and it takes 6 weeks. You start the mental health care on day one and the hoarder is the main cleaner and has far less chance of falling back into it.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
It is definitely a mindset issue that needs to be addressed via improved mental health. I wish they would do follow ups one and five years later on the US shows, because I think they would consistently show that the problem had returned to an even worse state than before the cleanup. Focusing on the cleanup is missing the real problem, that hoarding disorder is a mental issue, and NOT a simple issue of having too many things. If you really want to help someone with hoarding disorder, I think it makes sense to help that person with their hoarding disorder first (and help with cleaning up the home second... since the dirty home is just a symptom).
Mt story is EXACTLY like yours except I have two cats and one dog.. her hoarding has made me become OCD like. It's hard even when we sit down and have good conversation and I feel like we've gotten somewhere, she goes right back and has to do it her way when we go through things. Which never ends well just more scatteredness
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing Skye is the limit. Yes, I believe most of us who have tried to work with hoarders can relate to your experience of feeling like there is progress, only to later realize that things seem to be the same rather than better :/
I learn about hoarder and OCpD too late 17 years. In my parent case, they are not hoard things or animals but human/employee. They run a business that as if as to helps those employees which ended up we lost house, cars, land, just to barely keep the business running and it was without profit at all. At glance it looks like a good deed angelic heaven god wisdom but it does ruin the family into hell. Mental disorder is so scary, and sometime those are form of ptsd.
I am living this. It's so exhausting. I am tired of the fights. The cat poop smell is frustrating. She have 20+ cats and it's crowded in our apartment now. I can't watch a movie without peace. After I clean the house the cats will poop again they have no liter which I think is wrong. She and my sister are in this together and they make me feel crazy. Not that I hate cats but having cats poop in your room where you sleep is wrong. I wish I could get out of this place.
Hi Sam, great video, looking forward to watching more. My brother and I are dealing with this with my mom. We spent 3 days and 3 dump loads working on her house last week, as she prepares for a major surgery and recovery. We've been trying for 20 (?) years. I would love to connect on this if you are interested. So many similarities!
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Wow! Congratulations on the progress you are making. Is your mother in the home while you are working or are you and your brother doing this work while she is gone? Feel free to reach out to me via gmail. My handle is swilcke
@KA-no2rs
Жыл бұрын
I would also like to know how the clean out went and if your mom was present. I want to help my mother clean out one room that she herself declares that she wants to renovate. She will be gone for a week in a couple of months, so I want to do the clean out then, but I know I have to discuss it first. If I just cleared without telling her first I think that would ruin our relationship.
I would love to talk to you in regards to your experiences with your mom. I have a lot of experience with my mothers hoarding. Struggles and lessons.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Hi Michelle. I welcome a talk. I'm not sure the best way to proceed. Perhaps you can send me an e-mail the handle "swilcke" at gmail? I'd rather not share my contact info on a comment, as it may subject me to tons of spam.
Thank you for your considered response and request for help. My offering is to suggest that there is a conversation where her value is acknowledged. What she provides for you. To balance out the helpful comments you make, which can be heard as pointing out what is wrong, with loving words of appreciation. I can hear that your point of view is healthy and valid. Your desire for her to live well is important. I don't think this is in dispute at all. I think that there would be more movement hearing what it means to her, the stuff and connecting on that level. Finally, I think a more personalised comment about your girlfriends appearance may be met with more appreciation from her. Eg. "I like seeing you dressed up. You look extra pretty tonight. "
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Thank you for the helpful words. I tried your advice and enjoyed the connection with her, focusing on some aspects of her things and what they mean to her. I put the video of this conversation with her at: kzread.info/dash/bejne/Z5iN2NCukdSpadI.html
My mom is a Hoarder, What I did, let her drown, I tried for so long, she dosent want it, so I cut her off for my wellbeing.
My aunt and I are currently in the middle of helping my grandma with her hoarding apartment, due to an inspection she received. Her hoarding causes this to go missing until a couple days ago, giving us until 4/20 to clean it up to a healthy and safety standard. We have been through this before, many times, and usually go through it once or twice a year minimum. It is no small hoarding situation, which some people I find overplay messiness as hoarding. She has been kicked out of every other income based apartment in her city, except this one. That being said, it's pretty bad. She has many mental illnesses, besides hoarding, that contribute. Something that I don't helps to remind myself is that our reality is vastly different than theirs. What we believe is logical, is foreign to them. They're living in a life that to us seems horrible, but to them it's just another day. It's sort of like the frog in boiling water analogy: a frog sitting in water that slowly warms up, will sit in there until it's boiled alive. But a frog that's immediately put into hot water will jump out immediately. We see their house at the hot water, and are trying to fathom how somebody could sit in something so dangerous. Hoarding starts slowly, and ultimately you can't help somebody who doesn't want to be helped. We are only allowed to come over and clean up when being very careful about stuff. We cannot toss things out, often, because she must be present. A lot of it is trying to appeal to her weakness of hoarding, her kind heart. It's very specific to her, because she hoards a majority of her stuff by thinking others would love it. I just got a pair of shoes she meant to give me when I was in highschool, which was over six years ago. Something that may help, or has for us, is to build confidence that you won't be tossing stuff out and they can trust you. Then, get them involved in smaller projects that they can sit down and so. For my grandma, she hoards things she gets sent in the mail, things she write, etc as one of these things. She'll even hoard trash. So, we get her a shredder so she can go through the pile, while we re-organize her stuff to make some sense and be clean enough. And sometimes we can sneak out expired rotten food, while distracted, and do a small bit at a time. Another thing is, we can't say anything negative. They deep down probably feel bad or are embarrassed, so they're fragile to the situation being pointed out. Often, I find theese thoughts are in her head, so she already has them. But pointing them out is like facing a demon, to them. Instead of saying, hey grandma this isn't safe or I'm worried about you, my aunt will say "they cited you for poor housekeeping, now I know that's not my mama. They have the wrong chick" and encourage her that were proud of the progress she's making and love her. And that we got this, when she's overwhelmed. It doesn't fix the problem, but allows us the ability to help when it becomes dire. Sadly, you can't fix a problem if people don't recognize there is a problem. They have to be in the precontemplation phase first. And there will be denial. There will be shame. There may even be anger and sadness, likely, at times. But family involvement, them knowing they aren't alone, and helping nourish the relationship to try and help them enjoy life more than material objects may ease the transition away from these objects and into a more livable setting. It's a hard thing to generalize, even with many similarities, but there will be some things you can tailor to many, and some things you have to custom fit to each person to try and get them on a safer and happier journey either with hoarding or out of hoarding.
@arlenefisher1164
26 күн бұрын
You and your Aunt are compassionate and wise. I wish every mentally ill person had people in their lives like you two. God bless.
The amonia from animal feces and urine can be deadly. It is not just a matter of smell or clutter, it is a matter of life and death.
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Yes, I believe some places become toxic biohazards when feces is left to decompose in place.
@ardensinn6004
3 жыл бұрын
It is hard on the kidneys. And we all know how important it is to maintain good kidney health.
My dad has scarcity trauma and I believe he is a hoarder. The house we like ig feel inhabitable at times and I am trying to move out because of it.
My mom is also a hoarder. The air in her home is always thick and smells sour. She also has a bad cough. Her “stash” is so big she can’t touch the top of it. It’s caused no end of arguments.
Ok. This is exactly what my father did with decades of cats and not cleaning up urine and feces. OMG!
My husband is a hoarder and I’m a minimalist. He has one room that he can put all his stuff and I throw away his stuff without him knowing. Every Tuesday when that garbage is collected I put some of his hoard. There are times he would look for his stuff I would just tell him it’s your fault your not organized. You have too much stuff it’s impossible for you to find your stuff. The result, that room never gets filled. I throw away things as fast as he brings them home. Been doing that for years btw. The bigger items that I can’t sneak out I would tell him that it’s in the crawl space then I get rid of those too little by little. I actually think I sometimes throw away more stuff faster than he brings them
@nataliebutler
10 ай бұрын
You're going to have a real problem when he realises. That kind of violation has a tendancy to make hoarders worse. His belongings are not yours to dispose of. How would you feel if he threw away things you wanted without your consent?
@PC-ch1md
10 ай бұрын
@@nataliebutler don’t care, I won’t live in a hoarder’s house. 🤮 yuck how would he feel if I’m the one hoarding our house and he’s the minimalist? He’s bringing things to our house without my consent so I throw them without his consent too. The more I’m going to have a real problem if I just let him continue and bring his hoard to our house. In my opinion a house that’s filled with hoard is going to be be a bigger problem than him finding out I threw away his hoard.
I'm so sorry but I believe being cruel to be kind is the way to get through. The short sharp shock of a reality check may hurt their feelings but it will not kill them, unlike living in filth. It sounds like your mother choses to take offense anyway though you work so hard to spare her feelings.
Don’t know where to start or how to explain, but the hoarding I have experienced is a little different, our garden looked like a car boot sale filled with random shit and book shelves, it looked worse than a homeless den. I cleared it out, it got refilled again, I cleared it again and now its full up again. There is a storage room next to the living room (btw this is a small house) instead of putting essentials like rice/flour/washing up utensils, its filled with hundreds of bags of crap, might even cause an avalanche like jenga if you pull something out from underneath. This was also cleared out but got refilled. Kitchen is the one that does my head in. I started weight training in 2016 which is when I done the clearout, however slowly things started to creep back in to the kitchen and this put me off my diet and training, i feel sick that I have wasted all this time and I feel like maybe its me who cant work around it, but no I’m moving out I need peace and progression
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Wow, Ritchie... that sounds very difficult and to live with and a frustrating set of experiences. I do not believe I could remain healthy if I lived with someone who was actively hoarding (I moved out of my mom's when I was 17 to go to college and never moved back). I hope you are now in a healthier set of circumstances for you.
My mom has hoarding tendencies. She has rooms that you can’t access. Piles of clothes over 6 feet. And a garage filled with random stuff. It’s become much worse since her mother’s death. I want to help her but she constantly shuts any mention of getting things organised or cleaned up.
Hi Did you solve her issue?
Perhaps senior borders need a positive a new routine w a purpose put in place to replace hoarding.
My husband is hoarder. It’s ruined my life. soon to retire and I’m dreading it..
@WellBeingThunderstorm
Жыл бұрын
I am sorry to hear this. Hoarding is on the rise and affects the lives of so many beyond the hoarders themselves. I hope you find a way of creating the life YOU want to live. If you do, please feel free to share any of what works for you in your journey, as many people are in your situation and would love to know what might help them too.
I've been trying for years to help my mom but it does no good..I find it so upsetting that she won't stop shopping or yard sales. I feel so hopeless and hate watching my parents fight about it
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Thank you for sharing, Jennifer. It can be quite a disheartening journey trying to help someone who seems to resist all help. I saw a meme the other day that said, "Most people refuse to participate in their own rescue." I don't know if this statement is true for "most" people, but it certainly seems to be true for "some" people.
You should check out Antiques From Karen here on KZread. She inherited her mother's hoarded house. I'm sure she, like you, had things that worked and things that didn't. You might be able to commiserate more than anything. Her name is Jan.
Also it got worse after her mother died, my grandmother it was the last of our family we have left
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
I am sorry to hear you lost your grandmother. I imagine that is difficult for both of you. Losing a close loved one is so often a catalyst for increasing already existing hoarding disorder habits... often leading to a compromised living environment and more debilitated state. I hope you and your mother are both doing okay.
My mom has 8 dogs.. Smokes 2 and a half cartons of cigarettes a week.. She only lives in the kitchen surrounded by 8 dogs in cages and 2 parrots and hasn't left the house beyond her yard in 4 years... Her whole house is full from the ceiling to the floor.. She wears depends because she can't get into her bathroom.. I can't visit because 8 dogs bark so loudly that I can't hear her.. Roaches and rats roam the house.. Sometimes a dog will be let out and come back with a dead rat that it just killed.. I'm at my wits end.. She claims spirits come into her home and beat her.. Idk what to do.. 😞
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Oh my goodness! This sounds very extreme. I would be at my wits end in your place :/
@4swordkeeper
2 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm it's not my place.. I couldn't live that way.. But I pray for her..
Well everything that you are telling your Mom in a nice and logical way she is going to take it wrong forever and that is because what she is saying back to you is her truth. When I would have concerns about my young kids going to my Mom's house to stay the night I would kindly suggest that she watch things or maybe straighten up her house a little so my kids had room to play or sleep and she would take it as me telling her that her home is dirty and she is a bad grandmother for not keeping a clean house so her grandkids are safe and blah, blah, blah... She was 100% right. She knew the answer and she knew the truth that was lying beneath my soft words. My mom was speaking to herself when she would say those hurtful things.They honestly are just narcissistic people who really only are concerned with their feelings and all that matters at any time is them and you as a child could never express yourself fully out of fear of making your mom want to just end everything or the fact that you're to blame for her unhappiness. I have seen and heard it all. They are sick and you just need to step away.
Hoarders dissociate a lot. They are narcissists. It's the same ethology. It's all PTSD derived. If you want to make them listen you have to give them a meaningful role they can perform that requires their house to be clean. PS: we can arrange a convo if you want.
My mom is also a hoarder, I don't understand why? I just don't get it, when I try to tell her to get rid of stuff she makes excuses on why to keep things
She does not want to hear the truth. I have a mother in law in the same boat.
Bio-hazardous full of iron items next to my window how healthy is that when I open my window
And it hurts so much to be criticised and insulted in return for trying to actively care and love. My mum just died and so much stuff with mildew dust ect..... all very painful
@mazza_razzza
3 жыл бұрын
So sorry about your pain....sending love from Australia xx
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Sorry to hear about your mum passing. That sounds very painful. And, dealing with a lot of physical stuff that is probably unhealthy to sort through (due to dust, mildew, etc.), sounds extra challenging to do when you are navigating your loss and grief right now. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
They won't let you touch their stuff
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Yes, touching their stuff without permission is certainly an unwelcome trigger for many with hoarding disorder. Asking permission first, handling objects with care (regardless of what the item is), and assuming it is important to the person will get you better traction and responses.
@Annedowntherabbithole
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm I'm not very sympathetic anymore. I spent a few months at my mother's hoarded house last year and I got a lot of abuse. I also had to take two courses of steroids for severe asthma and a horrible skin reaction to the environment. Mold spores filled the air from the rotting food
@Annedowntherabbithole
3 жыл бұрын
I tried to make the place habitable but my efforts weren't welcome
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
@@Annedowntherabbithole Yes, I encountered the same, for the most part. Huge resistance to my efforts. My mom often would create false narratives that I was trying to control her or that I was attacking her and she needed to defend herself. As much as I tried, we could not approach tasks "as a team." She often created this narrative that we were adversaries, instead. She also created a false narrative that I "wanted" to organize/clean her stuff and she would sometimes "let" me clean or organize some small part of her home. Yes, I wanted her to live in a safer, less toxic environment, but I certainly didn't "want" to be the one addressing the situation personally... especially at such a cost to my physical health (toxic environment) and mental health (constantly being treated as an adversary who is trying to attack her).
@Annedowntherabbithole
3 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm I've been there. It's not logical
Forget about hoarding, just enjoy being with your mum. If you can talk to your mom, if you can see her, every minute you spend with her is worth the gold reserve of the US. I have recontacted my mum at the beginning of Covid, last year. She had broke all contacts for nearly 10 years. Since last march, she never opened her door to me, or anyone. On the phone, she says a short sentence and hangs up. Always very irritable. I think we are part of the problem. I mean it’s like someone is drowning and we’re speaking about negative things. Just our presence, our eyes or our subjects are bringing dark clouds when the ill person just needs fresh energy, and light conversation, especially coz we are close family. and we are triggers to emotional backgrounds or memories. Take care and thank you for your experience!
@nimphadora24
3 жыл бұрын
You are so right, we children of horders tend to put some distance between us and our parents, then they get old and i solated and it just gets worse and worse
@Breadstar90
2 жыл бұрын
They need electrocution therapy so they stop hoarding
My family member is just like this and it’s hurting our family :(
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
I am sorry to hear this Olivia. Yes, it is very challenging for the family. Is your family member living alone, or are there others living with the family member who has hoarding tendancies?
@cashmoneycowgirl
2 жыл бұрын
@@WellBeingThunderstorm alone after my grandfather passed 😔
Listen to her, empathize with her, agree with her feelings and statements as much as possible with then partner with her. You cannot talk a person out of a delusion as they believe it. Try discussing other subjects. People with mental illness are more than their illness.
hello im one of the person like your mother its very hard for us toolive like this even if some thinks in the thinking this problem came from the psychologic things i see one men psychologist help people in internet and see myself and try too work whit my psychotherapist i dont want thqt people says some things about that its my problems even if somebody doo something it goes the same few days later its a big problem it make me shame hate myself and think sometimes suicide ..hermiting myself ...but theres cure
That’s might be borderline
For my family...Bruh. It reach at an point where I don't even wanna say anything nice anymore to them due to their hoarding. First thing. I'm Hmong so some of the stuff I will be saying..you might not get it. Anyway...Whenever I see their pile of horse shit I will just straight up mock them or be like.... "Look at this military bunker. Hill 103. The Vietnamese won't be able to take over this hill". "The Army should use this for sand bags". "Look. It's 1975". (1975 is when Laos fell into communist and Hmong has to fled Laos to Thailand) "Look at this pile of 3 generation.(North Korea practice locking up prisoners for 3 generation. You will get lock up along with your families, your kids and your grand kids. Your great grand kids will than be release back into North Korean society) "Soon this pile will be taller then T-Rex". My mom is an hoarder. Bro. She be telling everybody else not to hoard, throw away stuff that you don't need bla bla bla bla but she does the hoarding herself. Narcissist mother.
so i thought ure not supposed to help a hoarder? why did u clean after her? how did she realize her situation wasnt safe and change?
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Many people with hoarding disorder benefit significantly from help. It is, however, very difficult to help most people with hoarding disorder, hence why I created this series. In this particular video, I talk about many of the mistakes I made that many people make when trying to help someone with hoarding disorder. In the case of my mom, I stepped in, because the air quality of her home had degraded significantly and was affecting her physical health. Her sinuses were constantly stuffed, she was getting several migraine headaches a week, and she was coughing about three times per sentence when she spoke. These issues had been getting worse for several years. It took several years of working with her on the mental stuff before she consented to allowing some cleanup of the home. She has changed some, and although her home is not clean nor organized, it is a significantly safer environment for her and her animals (2 cats, 2 dogs). One of the dogs had constantly watering eyes when the air quality was bad. Once we removed most of the sources of bad air quality, the dogs eyes immediately cleared up and my mom's sinus issues, headaches, and cough all went away within days.
Glad you were able to help your mom. Wish you'd have said, "Someone I know," instead of identifying your mom. Also wish you'd have included something about hoarding in your video. It is hard to talk to someone who doesn't hear what you say. You could change your approach so that it doesn't sound so insulting. There's a softer way to state facts when you start off with, "you....something, something, something...." That sounds blaming. You could say something like, "Do you think it would be easier for so-n-so to come and visit if this, that and the other were cleaned up," or, "Wouldn't you feel better about having others over if it were picked up more...I'm just wondering." That way, you're pointing out the problem, and asking her opinion, instead of sounding accusatory. If she says that she doesn't think it would be a problem for someone to come over, you could say that a lot of people would disagree. There's the, "When you (fill in the blank with an action), I feel (fill in the blank with your own emotion), because (fill in your reason so she knows you're being reasonable). Example: "When you let the dogs do their business in the house, I feel like you're not considering how I'll feel when I come to see you. That's because, even though you're accustomed to the smell, I'm not and it's overwhelming to me," or something like that. Again, the framework is, "When you....I feel....because..... It doesn't guarantee a good response, but it provides a good opportunity for one.
Everyone has 3k cds right?
@WellBeingThunderstorm
3 жыл бұрын
Hi Mike. I'm not sure what you are asking. Are you saying everyone has three thousand compact discs (musical cds) lying around from when we played our music using cds? Or are you saying people have three thousand dollars worth of Certificates of Deposit (financial cds)? Or are you saying something else?
do you have an instagram or email we can reach out to?
@WellBeingThunderstorm
2 жыл бұрын
Hi Kyle. My gmail account handle is swilcke