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@PassportReasons

Жыл бұрын

First thing is first stop calling it soft. A thug and a murderer can easily shoot someone with a gun and we would call that hard. A doctor can save that person's life do we call that doctor soft? That kind of mindset has to stop.

Self care is discipline. Yes, very true. Exercise, regular meditation, eating to support the body versus to satisfy urges, connecting with others when there's a desire to isolate, sitting with discomfort when it's easier to choose alcohol or prescription avoidants, saying no, scheduling down town, asking for help, etc.

@kaielyse9313

Жыл бұрын

I’d say its a balance of giving yourself what you need, and also what you want. Too much discipline or restriction would seem to be leaning away from the *care* aspect, i think. We need to do things that make us happy as well, so sometimes that might mean eating the icecream or listening to our desire to isolate. Sometimes, good things can come from satisfying our urges and not being too strict with ourselves. Everything in moderation, imo

@naas294

Жыл бұрын

@@kaielyse9313 I totally agree. I think the above comment relies a bit too much on the pleasure = bad/sin and pain/endurance = good/righteous dichotomy that is so praised in our Puritan capitalist culture and ultimately turns us into ppl who are always denying “the flesh”

@j.r.maverick4355

Ай бұрын

Self-care is work and soft life is a marketing scheme dreamed up my ultra capitalists and some advocates for traditional marriage. Trad marriage can be a useful tool, but It doesn't work for any woman who isn't already wealthy or doesn't want to be dependent on an unevolved man. A trade-off comes with every path. Choose your hard. It's hard to work for a living. It's hard to contort yourself into a role to win the attention of a supposed high value mate in the Mating Olympics. A balanced, aligned, and joyful life is my goal. And all that takes work. We won't escape work. Every time I try to go soft, life gets HARDER, and I'm reminded that resilience and grit are just as essential as rest. They are all qualities that a true goddess possesses, and life will eventually force you to build character by overcoming challenges whether you're a stay at home mom or a full-time employee (and I've done both plus more).

I'd love to hear more conversations about integrating non-sexual pleasure in our everyday lives. There's so much social shame around enjoyment and living joyfully. Something as simple as finding pleasure in silence and being alone without other people is considered weird and I don't understand why because that's the most joyful experience I have on a daily basis

@blessings4life

Жыл бұрын

Like seriously.

I hate being put in the "strong Black woman" box bec. I feel, it's a rac1st way to deny the reality of my pain and my struggles. But I also find it hard to be "soft" in a world, that hates me. If I dont show up for myself, nobody else will.

@prettytexastree

Жыл бұрын

Yes to everything else, but the world doesn't hate you.

@moustik31

Жыл бұрын

@@prettytexastree Yes, it does. You should be paying better attention, instead of trying to "correct" me on my own life experiences. 🙄

@scarletsletter4466

Жыл бұрын

I understand why you would see it as rac1st, but that's not necessarily the case. Seeing a woman do difficult things makes you believe she's strong. Kids in my family truly believed our Haitian nanny was stronger, bc how else could she raise kids in our family & her own? Now that I'm older, I understand she was strong out of necessity. It's a privilege to be able to choose to be strong or soft

@moustik31

Жыл бұрын

@@scarletsletter4466 Who cares about people's intentions: they still cause real harm.

As a mom I do the same thing. Sometimes I'm frustrated and I dont want to be anxious or angry around my daughter so I tell her I need a few minutes and I need her to occupy herself. It's to make sure I have space to decompress and she understands sometimes mommy needs a minute.

I’am not a black woman but this video spoke to me in MANY ways. Especially the part about receiving validation for awards and doing well. Growing up I was rewarded by my dad all the time for how well I did in school and when I became an adult and began to date men and realized that, I wouldn’t be validated in the same way, for giving it my all or doing a “good job” really shocked me lol I had to undo that. And really make celebrating myself mandatory, whether in single or in relationship.

I love this idea of setting boundaries with your child.. this also can teach children to not grow into co- dependent adults

My issue with dating is the socialization piece. I can't build a foundation of emotional intimacy in others, a foundation of self care and awareness, I can't build a foundation of social justice within you. A lot of men come with the expectation that women will do the heavy lifting in those areas and they can just assist. And I need us to build together, period. I am building those things in my minor children. Not in grown adults, unless you wanna pay me.🤷🏾‍♀

For me, I find spaces where I can be soft. With my partner I get to be soft. We have a running joke about the soft life. We both acknowledge that we work hard and and so are intentionally soft with each other. Doing things like chilling on the couch with music in the background. Making each other meals and serving one another. Keeping our spaces clean and enjoyable. Hosting (which I personally enjoy) so that gatherings are curated to our liking.

As a young woman who grew up around strong black women who always desired comfort, there’s 4 primary takeaways from them: • Self Care • Healthy lifestyle • Discipline aka control of self • Boundaries with people AND finances

"most of what we think of self care is after care" yesss. I was just thinking about this. in therapy we learned about how a lot of us have like an overactive survival drive, but what's supposed to happen afterwards is self soothing. and I've realized that most of the "self care" things like bubble baths, having a latte, etc. are self soothing activities. which can be a part of self care (like if you just did something really stressful that does put you in that survival mode), but definitely isn't all of it.

I loved this episode. Especially when Dr. Nikki talked about setting boundaries with kids. I’m a teacher and am gonna use these tools in my classroom! 👏🏿 Thank you, Kim for bringing her on 💜

@smarsh305

Жыл бұрын

This! I’m also a teacher and I really want to incorporate this in my classroom because we naturally get upset with kids for overstepping boundaries when in reality a lot of them don’t even know they are doing it.

Thank you for existing Kimberly🙏🏾 Thank you for existing Dr. Nikki🙏🏾

I need to listen and listen deeply. As an African American woman I have issues with duality and balancing. The woman I am in my home life vs. work life = ARE TWO DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

I recently had a relative tell me that I used to be inspiring and I used to have goals. I was really taken aback because I am living my goals home ownership, children graduating college and beginning their adult lives without unexpected children or drugs etc, debt freedom and my definition of low stress soft life. I realized that they were talking about me being single, not traditionally employed with a title, and purchasing a smaller home than before. I had to inform them that since I had never shared my goals with them they had no right to judge or evaluate me based on their presumptions.

This is a really important conversation, I especially like the but about getting comfortable with the discomfort of feeling like we've stagnated in life. It's an unsettling feeling because we're so groomed into believing that we need to always be doing something, being able to be still in that space Is something to explore. Wrt placing boundaries versus trauma responses to getting triggered and knowing how to act, I really wish we can as a collective just learn how to say wait or give me a minute or something that will give you a moment to get out of your trauma brain and back into your thinking brain. I feel like so much of why we overreact is because there's always this sense of urgency and the high stress, high anxiety lives we lwad today don't make the situation any better

@BlvckshadeMarle2265

Жыл бұрын

The when she explained that black men and black women can't continue the F-- him F-- her gridlock between them! The epiphany between these two!! Sent me through the roof!

@Martina_E

Жыл бұрын

Yes say it for the people in the back

Ladies, it's real easy to start living a soft life. Say No to everything you don't want to do, ghost all your negative Nellie's, and put yourself first. Then travel, eat good, drink 🍷🍷, and be merry.

Wow! This really spoke to me. What an important conversation for black women. Thank you!

Soft life to me is putting ourselves first (in every way) instead of always speaking up for/ doing for others who would never do the same for us. Looking forward to these very necessary conversations

@lauren6509

Жыл бұрын

Everyone be tryna fight the good fight (while getting nothing tangible in return might I add) alone because enough of our male counterparts are too busy tricking off on Beckeisha and Methany. However self care is important and stepping away from the B.S. Folks spend all day on here ranting and raving about BM, WS, perms and alkaline food along with the other ills that plague society but they fail to go out and touch grass.

I chose to completely revamp my life to access more joy and softness. I left my stressful government job to work from home and to do independent, part time work. Joyful movement and intuitive eating, slow living, making time for travel and hobbies and rest. A quiet, simple life with less stuff and more time for reflection and deep self care. It's counter cultural but delicious. Black women deserve pleasure.

The link between self care and discipline really hit me.

Can’t watch the video rn, so here’s an unrelated comment for the engagement. 😂

I started by resting. I didn't realize how mentally exhausted I was until I crashed and burnt out last year. Im setting firm boundaries to make sure my time and energy are protected. That's how I've managed to transition to living a softer and slower paced life.

“We’ve gotta work with what we’ve got” No ma’am. We don’t. We’ve gotta expand our options. 😊

Kudos to Dr. Nikki for not doing the 24/7 mom thing. My kids are a lot, too. And I am about to have what people consider a lot of kids lol. I'm trying real hard to practice self care by taking an hour or two to myself after I make them breakfast. Right now, working on entrepreneurship.

I absolutely appreciated this conversation. Thank you.

Two words: setting boundaries

Wait, why isn’t dating outside of your race not an option? Because honestly not enough bm to go around abd definitely not enough good bm for every bw. Bw outnumber bm. Also, bm definitely aren’t race loyal.

@ForHarriet619

Жыл бұрын

This conversation is not just about dating, and Dr. Nikki was pretty clear in that.

@yazzy6860

Жыл бұрын

@@ForHarriet619 my question is still valid. The show doesn’t have to be just about dating for this question to be relevant.

@k.d.1520

Жыл бұрын

@@yazzy6860 I agree with you sis dating outside race and your first comment

Actually love the merch! The embroidery is a nice touch

This is such a needed conversion- thank you!

Great content. Thank you, ladies.

Wow this video was for me. Thank you Kim and Dr. Coleman!

I love these conversations with Dr. Nikki Coleman 🙌. Thank you for bringing her to our attention ❤.

Really needed this today. Y’all are great!

Thank you brillant ladies. I understand the merch thing, but its difficult for us in different continents, I will look into other ways to support. Your work is life saving. Thank you again.

This was SO good! Dr. Coleman snatched my edges with the boundary v. reaction conversation and I needed a minute! Wonderful interview and talk.

This was so good, thank you.

Algorithm bless.

I been living a soft life since the mid '00s. My mother love harshly criticizing me for taking care of my physical and mental health.

geat conversation!

Great interview. It's interesting to hear the "soft life" concept, bc I've always seen the "strong" BW praised in media & IRL. As a child, I thought my Haitian nanny & her mother were the most powerful women on earth. They were outgoing & outspoken & worked hard caring for my family & their own. They spoke their minds & expressed a range of moods, whereas I felt pressured to smile & share only positive thoughts. Around age 7, an older relative explained: "they've earned that right, bc they support themselves & have harder lives." Of course, I didn't understand white privilege (nor did anyone around me use the term, being Latino). My point is just that there's a long history of people believing black women MUST be strong. Perhaps an important part of fully manifesting social & economic equality is exercising the freedom to be soft 🤷🏼‍♀️💞

This video is amazing❤️

This was AMAZING!!! Re-subbed.

I loved this conversation, especially about selfcare! My kiddies are 18 and 20 and to this day they know that I will take time to be by myself and have said no to some of their requests because I needed that time for myself. It taught them to do the same for themselves, which they both appreciate. I always encourage women and mothers in particular to save something for themselves and get met with pushback. Meanwhile, these same women continue to burn out and their burnout is teaching their children a lesson too.

This was such a good conversation

Such a wonderful convo with two amazing women 😍🫶🏽🙌🏽‼️ I especially love the break down of what boundaries are not because chile,,, if that ain’t me 😅

Dr. Nikki is EVERYTHING!!!

Wonderful discussion. Also Kim, your hair looks gorgeous. Can we get a tutorial soon?

This video is officially certified by the Recommending Ones & Zeros.

Serious question-- @13:13 why is dating men of other races not a realistic approach?

@essencekk

Жыл бұрын

"We gotta work with what we got" This is a threat🥴. And now we don't ‼️

@ece282

Жыл бұрын

those men would have to pursue you…since men do the chasing. and traditionally and statistically they don’t pursue American BW

@PourLaMourDeLargent

Жыл бұрын

@@ece282 that's a lie, idk who told you they don't pursue us but they definitely do.

Interesting that she said the struggle (with Black men) is important for her. Choosing struggling in on order to be in relationship with another adult isn't self compassion.

@ForHarriet619

Жыл бұрын

Dr. Nikki is invested in the well-being of all Black people as a Black woman. Black men are not the only group it's difficult to be in community with. I find it difficult to be in community with bigoted Black women. I still want the best for them and am open to loving and working with them. If you cannot relate, please just move on.

@prettytexastree

Жыл бұрын

@@ForHarriet619 I think the issue is the closeness, how close is too close to remain compassionate towards ourselves? With family you're somewhat limited unless you are ok completely cutting ties. But for other relationships I don't think Black women ask this question enough, especially with Black men.

Love Dr. Nikki!!

This was great. I hope she is on the channel again :)

No one is okay!

Love me some Dr. Nikki!

I'm a third grade teacher, not yet a mother. I absolutely love her parenting style. My kids(30 of them) understand boundaries and time out to recharge. They know when I need it and are able to give it to me because I'm a better and happier teacher when I can have moments of silence within our daily programme. Also, I never want to be around other people's kids except my own.😂😂 😂 I thoroughly enjoyed listening to your guest.🌻

I'd love to learn more about Dr. Coleman's decision to being a single parent-- I understand if it's personal but if she's willing to discuss that more I'd be very interested as that's something I've considered before.

My only goal is to shit on the special ops budget for the remainder of the season.

I thought this was a great conversation overall. Great points about the difference between self-care and after care. Great points about the difference boundaries and erecting walls. I only have one point of contention. Dr. Nikki said, "the only reason to partner with a black man is love... The word healthy is overused." I don't agree with that. People partner with each other for various reasons and sometimes it isn't about love at all. It is also true that different people have different ideas about what love is and how it should be expressed. Which leads a lot of people into unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. I also think there's no way we can overuse the word healthy when talking about our relationships because a lot of us need to know the difference between healthy relationships and non-healthy relationships. I think many of us may have internalized and normalized unhealthy ways of expressing love. So if we are in a position to educate others, we must keep using the word healthy to make the necessary distinctions between unhealthy love and healthy love.

kimberly who is slaying your hair these days?

Fire content

Very nice video, but also. It’s kind of uncomfortable to hear folks take the term “soft life,” which was specifically coined by Nigerians, taken to interpret how people who aren’t Nigerian see fit. “Soft life” is not a complex topic, the whole point is having an easy life. Not the technicalities such as boundaries, collective liberation, etc. even though of course that is also very important.

@Aishyo

Жыл бұрын

All of This ☝🏿

@qbee1312

Жыл бұрын

It's very complex for ppl who are expected to do more with less in every situation. None of our energy has ever been reserved for ourselves, so it really is a foreign concept for darker skinned women in America. And the pushback to trying to implement it in every day life is everything but simple

@vanl5569

Жыл бұрын

@@qbee1312 I understand, as I am a dark skinned Nigerian American woman. But believe this struggle can be concretely described w/out using the term “soft life,” which was never intended to describe this dynamic you’re speaking of. Nigerian women living in Nigeria also deal with those issues in Nigeria. And don’t use this term to describe it, because that’s not how it’s intended to be used.

💕

I’m sooo glad dr Nikki was on TWICE. I’m going to go back and watch the last video now. As someone in a relationship with a black man - this f*ck men bc they’re all out to get us mentality - while it contains truth, does nothing for me lol I need a framework for a man willing to learn and open to hearing me to get where we need to be. And vice versa bc it took me a while to realize that black men are equally affected by gendered oppression and empathize with that. Bc to be honest, my man understands and accepts me way more than my parents who socialized in some of the same shit and even some of my colleagues or friends

Wish the audio for this was better. Made it hard to get through the video tbh.

I would love to connect with you. For my second season of "Talks With V " we are focusing on women's healing ✨️. How can I connect with you?

I thought this was going to be about how to be softer in order to find a partner. I'm so glad I was wrong. So enjoyable!

Hi Kim. Love your videos so much forever. It would be so nice if you can upload your talking videos somewhere like Spotify. My (most likely) ADHD brain would be so tickled to listen to you while I walk and stuff. The way you speak and interview is so satisfying.

42:12

Scrolling through this channel, I found women want to find their whole self and require a man's best self. Men get no support for finding his whole selves, and women get no love for being her best selves.

Women are intrinsically born valuable because our ability to one day birth children. I think that is what the manosphere was somewhat referring to. Men are valuable when they can provide resources (money). I highly doubt they were comparing black women to white women with that statement. The manosphere were comparing women to men.

Y'all can stick around for the struggle if it works for you✌🏾

A contrarian point. With all sincerity, this conversation...is completely disingenuous, as you are constantly sharing the details of your "soft life" (luxury apartment, expensive purses, your "money moves"), financed by us, or the very people to which you are lobbing this question. I'm not "hating" or being mean, just critical. You cannot question someone's ability to live a "soft life" (or whatever the hell y'all want to term it), while begging the very same people to "follow the aesthetics", i.e. another income stream for you, while these people subsidize your life. Stop it.

@hazelbasil6451

Жыл бұрын

Maybe you haven't seen her other videos making the exact same point your making. Specifically, the video she made criticizing both the "black girl luxury movement" and the "soft life movement." She noted how socioeconomic barriers prevent many blk women from engaging in certain aspects of "soft life."

@Seleste777

Жыл бұрын

Did you watch the whole video before making this comment?

@tallycally

Жыл бұрын

@@Seleste777 Did they complete your lobotomy before you commented...lol...Good Lord.

@maureenmn288

Жыл бұрын

Kim has actually talked about this. She has mentioned multiple times that she's aware of her privileges. You bring up a really good point though /

@tallycally

Жыл бұрын

​@@maureenmn288 I appreciate your comment. However, I disagree with the inference. Kim has "talked about" her privilege as a by product of her education and the hard work associated with attaining her degree/institution and related difficulties (which is nothing to denigrate/disparage, she should be lauded for her educational accomplishments). But, the distance between being "aware" of your privilege and the manner by which your privilege is maintained are two different things. Especially, when you (Kim, not you) traffic in critique as a means of maintenance of lifestyle.

Kim just too damn liberal to be black.

@ForHarriet619

Жыл бұрын

You should read more.

@hubbthepoet612

Жыл бұрын

@@ForHarriet619 It’s a joke, you are pretty radical though.

Freakin love this. “Purple galaxies” 🥹❤️