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@theophaniateayaskuldice9201

5 күн бұрын

Excellent vid have questions exactly o the intentional gaslighting and confusing potential partners topic. Please buckle up or pass this up as it’s a wild ride and most will catch on much faster than I did, until I watched this video and the blinders came off fast.. Seems like the males tracking me down, on regular social media- fb, insta, basic forums as I am quite good at being single refuse to subject myself to an even wilder pond of guys seeking instant physical contact- they aren’t subtle, while unable to even discuss simple hobbies or interested I anything more than demanding intimate pics right then with the excuse-and my having a full fb friend load also friends and family of friends so not total strangers doing these things- or asking for foot pics and acting as if I’m not a real person unless I take a private pic just for them like any person owes a stranger that? I’ve begun calling it sexual panhandling. Unwilling to even talk about the weather yet all very eager, before a private message is returned, is offering to fly me somewhere and for the bill. Talk about red flags and sirens?! Not looking for an atm or daddy figure, nor a teen boy to mommy. The only person I recently considered meeting, started with a super hilarious me letting my normally tight guard down a bit for a phone call, turns out we are exactly three weeks apart in age to pop culture, etc was an easy connect. Within ten days I got whiplash from the emotional chaos and extremes. What began as a promising fun basis for friendship got very odd- I suffered a severe hand injury where it was impaled and rather than asking or even looking at my pics after on fb, he assumed and even told other people I was missing a hand. The intentional inventing of false flaws when I’m fully aware that I have my eccentricities and average decently adjusted, self aware, flaws like any other individual he has as recently I’m a ten minute call today after a week of deafening silence - I’m certain he is not in Bible study- as in I am not the only person he’s speaking to obviously and that’s totally fine, we haven’t and won’t be dating as that’s far more work than I’m willing to put in as ifive had enough insults and poison dripped in my ear the past several weeks of bizarre recycling what feels like a rotation of women. Beyond the oddly making up flaws from things he conjures up once the convo is over meaning he’s not actually listening and present for the rare calls anyway. The calls of me mistakenly wasting time to be therapist to some super icky convos that he gets verrry angsty when crapping on every ex he’s had in 30 plus years has been another huge neon Nope sign. If it’s not about a one way , his way or the highway call then he has to go. Then texting me or calling with petty, false, misleading, or simply lashing out with extremely insulting and negative comments has me convinced I’ll follow your cannelloni to advise those closest to me, yet the past three almost made the cut for a coffee meet up haven’t made it past the most basic screening of any as emotional grown up individuals, as their techniques must be working for the quantity they seek, not the reciprocal quality for a mutually fun, happy, and honest relations, whatever that looks like. Maybe someday but today isn’t it and that weird idea of guys having the nerve to be so entitled. It would be comparable, in my eyes, to ask for a stack of unmarked bills from a man I’ve never met- and I would never ever even accept a bottle of water let alone a date from a man that has said snide things or lied by omission to try to get a notch of some kind, it just feels icky and I’m good to step away now that I’ve spent weeks trying to fix myself when he had me convinced I wasn’t listening to his stories enough yet not once has he ever asked me any questions but for when I’d drive up to visit him or was i merely being a tease for taking his quick calls about himself once a week? Just wow. 🫣 I am well off, have a very stable career and raised my more successful and extremely well situated daughter on my own out of necessity. The person I mentioned before the quick backstory -now that I’m confused and completely deflated and feeling duped. Also have done the work after a severe physical accident and have spent the last decade plus on healing, working on my own rough endless, self compassion, grace to myself and others, and loving honesty. During the phase of tge 180 degree from laughing over hilarious mutual interests to the flaw seeking and saying negative comments about me that he won’t explain when asked why he said hurtful things, he now is offering to put me up in a hotel, he’s a couple hours away and we have a mutual friend I’ve known for over 15 years. I’d prefer to pay my on way and not be beholden but for a local date somewhere, like picnic at a lake during busy season, so def in public and no hiding behind big cash as a means to try to impress as that is a set up for failure. He promises to call back after a quick hello call and flakes. Good learning experience that he thinks it’s odd that I’m a clear writer and don’t have a temper, I do clean when frustrated, but that’s as far as it goes. I do know he has a short fuse temper and is highly impulsive that is frightening which is likley the penultimate reason due to family of origin wounds and the cptsd I am mindful of and must keep in check or serious depression is sticky and lingering, Thoughts on men who come on strong, feel so entitled, then can’t figure out why I can’t shake off being treated like some only fans person? I’m a grower builder and honest yet very kind to my inner circle. He also had planned within ten days of us meeting to drive here get a nice place for two nights and got very upset I would not roll over and invite an absolute stranger to my eyes to stay in my home?! Wow!, does this not sound horrific play tortuous in writing, to the singles in the Bay Area, help yourself.ill stay in the calm foothills of the Sierra Nevada’s where we grow most of the food supply, and the people here are salt of the earth. Hugs to you, Jonathan, most sincere deepest condolences on the loss of your youngest. My momma-heart is smushed whenever you bring up the scholarship fund. What a beautiful way to honor him. Also his words of pride about you finding your best rest of your life path in the vital work you do is absolutely spot on. In the words of Jack London,~ .. I would rather be a superb meteor, every atom of me in magnificent glow, than a sleepy and permanent planet. The function of life is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them. I shall use my time.

@shehanhuq1268

5 күн бұрын

You are doing God's work for me. The clarity and peace I get from listening to people like you- thank you beyond thank you. Disregard the mean comments, if possible, from those who aren't blessed yet to understand your message.

You got that right. I was with my ex for 17 years, and since my divorce I've been alone for 16 years. I started back in the dating scene 2 years ago and man oh man, it has been rough. I'm still alone, but I am ok with it. I'm getting up there in age, but still vital and fit and can attract many men, but the right one has eluded me.

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

💕💜🦋

When I was the Love of someone's life they weren't mine. When I found the love of my life I wasn't his. Talk about what goes around comes around. But it will either happen or it won't. Still going to Love me in the Process. Thanks Jonathan your a Gem.

Mature people should have capacity to speak honestly and openly with love to be clear each little step of the way in the relationship. Some people do not have enough emotional intelligence to speak carefully. I listen and have learned so much from you Jonothan. What I have learned through self help is so invaluable. I have many of your recom. books. I thank you sincerely!🙏 Don't leave this platform please.? Jx

@JonathonAslay

4 күн бұрын

Awe... thank you 😊

@GoldengirlofTarrytown

4 күн бұрын

Jonathon this makes sense. I am thankful you were my dating coach! I needed you when I didn't know what I wanted or who I wanted to be with. The man I have known now for 10 months and have dated exclusively for 3 months is severely anxious. His previous two long term relationships were with avoidant people. Same with me. It made him anxious to be in these relationships and I was anxious from mine. It is wonderful to be in a relationship with a man who is not avoidant, even though he is in a healing phase from great loss. He's anxious from life, but not about our relationship. It's so different. Even though he is still grieving and anxious from this last relationship and death of his parents, I feel secure in this relationship. A year ago when I went on eharmony and I didn't know what I wanted other than I wanted to date lots of men. I met him after going on dates with 5 men but he stood out because he could express what he wanted. I wondered if it was time to exclusively date him. I hadn't known him long enough to know if I could trust him. I was anxious from the loss of a relationship to an avoidant and a death of a loved one. I feel more secure thanks to you Jonathon !! I know what I want -- he has depth and I'm not going to run away. He is doing the work with counseling and medication. I'm doing the work with a counselor too. We listened to Attachment Styles together. We both express that we want to be in a secure relationship, but neither experienced that. I'm grateful we have lots of face to face time. He introduced me to his adult children and extended family. He's a good father. This week I let down my walls and was clearer with him about my fears and about what I want. He's saying he can only face life one day at a time. I remember feeling that way in my grief. I'm giving it 3 months at a time. I shared this and after I shared what wanted my fears are gone. He shares how he feels. We both are grateful for what we have today. Looking forward to the next three months rather than feeling anxious about them. Thank you Jonathon.

I appreciate your passion Jonathon. Your wake up call has changed my life. Keep it up. It is needed in these strange times. ♥️🙏🖖🏻🦋

Deception is a refined art form today.. 😢

Life goes by so fast! Time to radical honesty up!!!

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

Indeed

And with dating “the interview” they’re giving you their best behavior. And if you don’t like, they’re very best time to chuck the application.

The young lady who wanted to know how to deal with fear? Is to be in control in not being afraid. Fear is just an invisible force that one needs to learn to face it by not letting controlling you.

Wow Jonathon. ❤ I love this so much, thank you for your transparency. I’ve been angry as well but not allowed to even talk about it so I’ve done my best to deal with it alone and move on. But the up side is it has been forcing me to grow in self love. I love life now more than possibly ever. Except for after the birth of my three grown children and my grandchildren. Went through divorce after 3 decades of marriage and singlehood has been so confusing. My last heartbreak was out of left field in the last year. Never expected to get ghosted by this “great” guy and after 7 years of my bad choice. Mostly angry at myself but thankful for the growth.

Your enthusiasm is delightful. Recently rejoined the dating scene at 79. Nothing like when I met my previous husband 15 yrs ago.

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

You go girl!

I’m sorry to see you’re carrying these burdened parts with you, when we get emotional about a topic from the past, especially when we were children, we’re not healed. It also shows up in our behaviors. It doesn’t have to take decades upon decades of inner work on our own to heal. It’s very difficult to heal those parts of us on our own. My one regret is I didn’t start therapy until my early 50s…however, it was the best thing I ever did. The biggest ah-ha moment was when I realized no one has to go through life with these burdened parts who love us, protect us and usually think we’re still children (hence the choking up when remembering being lost when starting high school). It didn’t take me long to heal because of the inner work I had done before. I would recommend Internal Family Systems therapy. That’s where true self love is discovered.

Jonathan the quality you have that I admire the most is your honesty about your own life and experiences. It lets your audience know that you truly understand their feelings. Thank you for keeping it real.

I hear you J. ….i was saying to all your questions yes, yes, yes ….im 55 end of this month & finding that 1 is difficult ❤ big hugs 🤗 Your wake up shouts 😜 are great we need to hear this were too trusting at times & need to delve deeper with our new relationships..don’t stifle the passion of love for all 🥰 great info as usual.

Your best talk yet❤

Thank you for this fantastic video you have given. I truly hope they do wake up.

@JonathonAslay

5 күн бұрын

I hope so too

Sigghhh, another woman jumping into something that turns out not to be in her best interest. We can’t have it both ways-jump in with impulsiveness by basing our compatibility on if we both like sushi and blues music :), or use our life experience (wisdom) to slow things down and observe the other person real time, ask more questions and determine with experience with them to confirm if they are a match. We’re not talking years, but certainly 9-12 months dating isn’t unreasonable. Sending hugs to Christine ❤

I am so glad I've been listening to this video. I'm going to be 73 next week I'm a vibrant attractive professional woman with lots of life ahead of me I have been single for over 10 years and have dated or at least have met a number of men. You are right about gaining your self-worth it takes decades to do that and I have spent the time to do that. I don't know what's wrong I don't have an answer for any of it. But what I do know is that when I meet a person that I want to give my time to I'll know it very early. I gave up online dating and I joined a private dating service. Maybe hopefully I'll have some luck there. I feel like you sometimes. I'm angry over the loss of relationships and heading into the rest of my life as a single woman. But I have learned to cope with it and basically I'm pretty happy I decided to put that in God's hands and if he wants me to be in a committed relationship it will happen. Thank you for your transparency.

Asking clarity is what I need. Thanks Jonathon

@JonathonAslay

5 күн бұрын

👍🏼

Jonathon, hello I really loved your discussion on this topic and super job and important signs from men that we need to pay attention to 👍❤

Love this video. You’re right ! Thank you for reassuring good women that they’re not needy for wanting reassurance ! It’s a basic human need really !

@JonathonAslay

4 күн бұрын

Exactly

Jonathan, I like how defined your standards are. I appreciate the intentional dating approach you advocate. Wish there were more men out there like you.

@JonathonAslay

3 күн бұрын

I appreciate that!

Yes, very valuable information. Exactly where I’m at and I’m going to find out exactly where I’m at in a relationship through understanding, knowledge and a conversation to either go forward or 100% let go. I think I know the answer, yet I need to hear it. Thank you. ❤️

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

You got this!

Golly Jonathan..........you seem so increasingly emotionally friable these days........I understand it's a rough week for you, anniversary of Connor, etc. Ya' know, I've heard that even psychologists, etc. need an occasional "debriefing" -- and I think YOU'D benefit from talking to another professional about all this. It seems you are NOT moving forward with any surety of progress. i HAD to share this because I'm a regular watcher and am concerned about you. A 'friend' from southwest New Mexico.......

@JonathonAslay

5 күн бұрын

Thank you for caring...

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

I disagree because I think he takes care of himself

Thank you for your honest, vulnerable sharing. I feel that your yelling stems from some anger and some Mediterranean passion. Thank you for caring ❤

Great video! Great mantras out of this one.."romance is not an entry point " for a relationship.. And should be reserved for those in a relationship..

Great advice..Thank You

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

Glad it was helpful!

When we show empathy we get taken advantage of due to past energy vampires ha....recognize red flags

@JonathonAslay

4 күн бұрын

Empathy with boundaries

Agree. It is hard

Hi Jonathon- thank you for your transparency and radical honesty! I wish more men were like you :) We’re all looking for someone to connect with on many levels that are important to us, and the unfortunate part of dating is there are so many things that have to line up such as lifestyle, financial stability, family values, religious or spiritual values, political similarities, travel, sports, things we do for fun. and I have recently added food preferences because I am basically a pescatarian/ with mainly a plant based dietary lifestyle but also enjoy a little wine on weekends and I meet lots of men who are mainly meat eaters, guys that drink a lot of beer, hard liquor, etc, so I very seldom want to go on a second date after the first. We’re all in the same boat and doing our self love daily and know we will never settle for anything or anyone less than what we know will work well for us - be picky, be selective and mostly be true to yourself and be happy being alone and unencumbered until your Miss Right or Mr. Right comes around ❤

@JonathonAslay

5 күн бұрын

What does their diet matter?

@mariatennyson429

5 күн бұрын

​@JonathonAslay may change body fluid's ,,,unpleasant odor, texture and taste. So I hear😂

@lak1294

3 күн бұрын

Patricia, you are putting a huge limitation on an already meager dating pool we all face by requiring your dates to be at least pescatarian. I agree with Jonathon - why does it matter? Flexibility and openness are so important in being ready for dating.

@PatriciaQuagletti

3 күн бұрын

I hear that it doesn’t matter to you and that’s fine but their dietary and drinking preferences do matter to me and that’s the whole point. Maybe Jonathon could do a new podcast on the differences that can work well in a relationship - an example would be religious or political beliefs. Enjoy your day ❤

Stranger danger ⚠️ perfect way to explain it. Radical honesty placing your cards on the table and setting your rules of engagement. Those should be the rules to follow!

@claudieC.

4 күн бұрын

Don't do it first. I did this and my ex agreed he was on board and said he wanted the same thing. Ended up with a covid narcissist. Total waste of my tine as the mask slipped off.

Holy fucking shit in dating is right! That's why I've waited 5yrs!

This had to be a releif to get this off your cheet. I hope you feel good and not bad from your disclosures. I can relate. My mother dropped me off to first grade. I didn't know where to go, sat outside room 2.

According to the book you recommended, The Language of Emotions, anger is emotions telling you when a boundary has been crossed or rule broken. The anger family help you create values-based behavioral guidelines for yourself and others. It is The Honorable Sentry. Questions-What do I value? What must be protected and restored? So do you disagree with the book and how it describes anger?

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

Yes, I agree... but what about the anger I felt when my son passed away, what boundary was crossed?

@liliakogan3043

6 күн бұрын

@@JonathonAslay then we can ask the question if it wasn’t a boundary, what was it? I was angry when I lost my husband. I felt it wasn’t right or fair. Maybe I felt anger because it was out of my control.

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

@@liliakogan3043 I think the anger comes from unmet expectations. I expected my son to live longer than me. I'm angry I didn't see the sign. I'm angry, I didn't protect him. Anger can be sparked by various things that have nothing to do with boundaries.

@joconna

6 күн бұрын

I believe that. I made loose plans with my bf yesterday for tonite. I have to pick up my daughter at the airport mid- afternoon..so, I hear nothing from him. He said he would call me last night but didn't. So, as I am getting ready to go to airport, and he finally leaves message. " Will do whatever you want!". So, I am upset. Three hours before " date" and no firm plans. I can't overlook that. I might be " anxious", but common sense and respect cannot be labeled " anxious", sorry.

@Sharon-777

5 күн бұрын

Hope you told him you're busy he's breadcrumbing you

Great advicd

Interesting regarding shifting between anxious and avoidant. Could it be that there’s an element where we might tend to be more anxious with those that we want and avoidant with those that want us? Or is this more an issue of ambivalence?

@ginam.4990

5 күн бұрын

I was very avoidant with someone I really liked

@lak1294

3 күн бұрын

@ginam.4990, that's interesting. Could it be that you're actually afraid and not ready for love? Sounds like it to me.

@ginam.4990

Күн бұрын

Looking back, I was afraid. I had duct tape on like Jonathon mentions.

How do you learn to forgive

Your level of humanity and vulnerability is nourishing. Anger, sadness, yearning, being a dick… all of it. Thank you

You are one of a kind, I appreciate all you do and try so hard to teach us right, I never took the way you talk as angry person, you’re passionate, I’m the same way and people gets upset bc they think I’m upset. You’re an amazing person, I been through all kinds of pain, lost my son 4 years ago, heartbroken, I just ended a relationship, very painful, I was so in love, and so much stuff. Im grateful you’re in my life, I have learn lot from you, and still learning, Thank you so much for all you do ❤

This is so honest to you Jonathan. By you being so honest - this where you are truly leading us to go inward with ourselves. Thank you ☺️ you are amazing!

Hi Jonathon, I'm curious if you believe in a higher power whatever that may be? I know without my faith in God, I wouldn't have gotten through some tough times. It's a solid anchor for me all the time. I loved this show for your vulnerability. It's sad and sweet. It's a hard time for you in July and it's ok. Don't apologize or explain any negative comments.

@JonathonAslay

5 күн бұрын

Yes, I do believe in a higher level of consciousness

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

🦋🦋💕

❤

@JonathonAslay

6 күн бұрын

💖

how’s your day going ? Has no substance lol

@JonathonAslay

4 күн бұрын

Exactly

I feel loss for the relationship I’m in and it’s partially my fault since I haven’t expressed my needs - I’m agreed again he’ll say “it’s all about you” and not answer the question as I would be putting myself out there. It’s stupid I know. Then lately we’re with groups of people or he’s out of town. Our relationship has become casual as you described. I’m going to ask him to express himself more, use I statements, and be more affectionate- hold my hand, put his arm around me, play on the couch which happened early on but gradually diminished. He doesn’t know what he wants so as you describe I pulled back too.

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

Sorry girl

@Sherryyahoo

Күн бұрын

👍

Exactly, I really think there are people who WANT you triggered, For them it's like what blood in the ocean is to sharks 🦈, They feed off from and enjoy making someone else feel insecure, bad, unwanted. And it's always the initially "charming" ones that do it, The one's other people would never see that side of and that's why they are so dangerous.

@JonathonAslay

4 күн бұрын

I think of them as addicted to drama...

@brenda_rosa

4 күн бұрын

That really could be it, My mother and sisters and a brother certainly are, They literally aren't happy unless there is drama, Me and my son notice it. ​@@JonathonAslay

I don't do how's your day going. Insufferable.