The only winning move is not to play.

@narcsinart7179

4 жыл бұрын

preach it!

@GaveMeGrace1

4 жыл бұрын

That’s for sure! Practice in this department makes better; and no contact works best, or so i hear.

@rhondapavlakovich788

4 жыл бұрын

God bless us the survivors! The only way to deal with a narc is no contact under any circumstance. It's unbelievable how normal your life can become

@juniorvonclaire3576

4 жыл бұрын

Greetings, Professor Faulken. Strange game. How about a nice game of chess?

@juarez1011

4 жыл бұрын

really wise

Your needs simply do not matter to a narcissist. All they require is someone they can trap into a mockery of a relationship so they can injure and wound and tear apart every day. They're not concerned about having a healthy relationship. They're concerned about feeding their malignant needs. At any cost.

@anjachan

4 жыл бұрын

sadly true.

There is no hope for a “relationship” with someone with NPD. Never go to joint counseling with a narcissist. Go to counseling for yourself so that you never allow one of these individuals into your life again.

I have heard that you should never, ever go to couples therapy with a narcissist/abuser. The just gather ammo to use against you from the sessions... Another great vid, Dr. Grande.

@unpluggeddogdreams

4 жыл бұрын

They also can manipulate the therapist and convince them that they are the victim.

@ruthklipp3357

4 жыл бұрын

LOL

@delaney6066

4 жыл бұрын

GrasshoppingSnappoppin My ex agreed to therapy until I picked Shannon Thomas who specializes in this form of abuse. He dismissed her because of her religious views. His whole purpose was to manipulate a therapist. It would be hard to manipulate a counselor who knows emotional abuse and how these people manipulate.

@Anita-k

4 жыл бұрын

Lol, my narc father wanted me to go to therapy (he had made me the black sheep of the family) and I convinced my mom to go to family therapy all together. He literally HATED it! But ... he paid for it, which was not great! :( The counselors - they're 2 - always stopped the conversation or lead it into a completely different direction, when it got too embarrassing for him. He manipulated them with money, I should've known it. As soon as I realized that, I stopped it. Which means we weren't there often.

@yvoferdinandvanderhoek1027

4 жыл бұрын

@@grasshoppingsnappoppin302 couples therapy I've heard quite a lot, they know they win by for example uneven honesty. One will show there weakness the other not. Guess who on either point.

One must always walk away from a narcissist

@defenderofwisdom

3 жыл бұрын

I most definitely had to flee from a grandiose narcissist.

@defenderofwisdom

3 жыл бұрын

Fortunately she was a tangential relation and not a core one.

@natalievlogsnatalievlogs1362

3 жыл бұрын

To receive thay blessing

@mangomum99

3 жыл бұрын

I totally agree there is no other way

Good information! Nothing irks a narcissist more than refusing to play their game of “war”. They need it & you don’t. Best solution: no contact, ending the competition. Thanks Dr. Grande! ♥️✌🏽

@marlacarlson2586

4 жыл бұрын

Narcissists Very, Very RARELY EVER Change. Best to get out of that TOXIC relationship that will destroy your Emotional, Mental, Physical, Financial and Spiritual Health and your children's well being too.

@yvoferdinandvanderhoek1027

4 жыл бұрын

Problem is when they do have power, for example police officers, psychiatrists etc... You might not have an option.

@yanraynor9169

4 жыл бұрын

No dialogue, no competition, gray rock = no participating in their game of war = you win

@GaveMeGrace1

4 жыл бұрын

Yeah!

@PSALMS-oe7ri

4 жыл бұрын

Checkmate

Thank you for the validation for survivors of narcissistic abuse

I think another big reason a narcissist will "win" any"war" is that the narcissist is not limited or constrained by a conscience, whereas a non-narcissist cannot abandon his or her inner sense of morality. For me, that fact alone justifies No Contact.

Although it has been years since my relationship with a narcissist ended, it still affects me. The pain and feelings of shame and failure linger on for years sometimes. In a way they still control you, even if they are not physically present in your life anymore. I have been to counseling but to be perfectly honest, I have to say Dr. Grande, that listening to your videos has been the best therapy for me so far. You help more people than you know, thank you so much!

@paulgoogol2652

4 жыл бұрын

I wonder how many people became vulnerable narcissists in their relationship with a narcissist.

@paulgoogol2652

4 жыл бұрын

@Nyree Harris "They can never change" sounds like an excuse for a behavior "they" have little control over or an excuse for more radical people to have them locked away or sentenced to death. So while you happily accept your *ex-narc* to be doomed for their lifetime, you are free to heal and overheal and become immortal etc. Casual opportunistic fatalism.

@Catssandra13

4 жыл бұрын

@@paulgoogol2652 I don't think you can become a narcissist, either vulnerable or otherwise - it's something one already is from childhood. The most you become in a relationship with narcissist is anxious and insecure. You certainly don't develop any feelings of entitlement or self importance. Quite the contrary.

@acertree1980

4 жыл бұрын

@@Catssandra13 I think you'll find that people who became involved with narcasists are anxious and insecure BEFORE they become involved with and a Narcassis and AFTER become far worse in the realms of Complex PTSD!!!!

@Catssandra13

4 жыл бұрын

@@acertree1980 that could very well be how they are attracted to a narcissist in the first place. Or perhaps they are just empaths. Or anyone for that matter, as they (narcissists) are experts at appearing to be what they want to be. Not sure...maybe we should ask Dr.Grande?

Great talk..“..just because you understand them doesn’t mean that the narcissist’s behaviour is going to change. Their emotional abuse still continues and it still hurts”. This is a fantastic point to make..that their behaviour, and the response, the pain in the victim, will be maintained even if the victim knows that the person they’re in a relationship with is narcissistic. Valuable points to understand why this is so and reflect upon. Thank you for your talks, Dr Grande.

Narcissists are sharped tongued and quick witted. They can defend a position with their high speed motormouth even when it is wrong.

I hope that victims of narcissists stumble across these informative videos and recognize their situation, because it's almost impossible to see it when you're in it. Thanks, Doc!

I suppose it's often the case in an abusive relationship that a victim is uncertain to what extent they are at fault and to what extent their partner might be a narcissist.

This is depressing news, but it's true. My experience tells me that every word you said is true. Edit: Narcissists have no real human values. The "game" or the "war" is everything to them. Edit: I differ with you on one point: I'm not as "optimistic" as you are that relationships with these people can be salvaged, or even improved. Right now, I think that continuing to communicate and interact with them just gives them further opportunities to improve their "gaming" and "warring" skills. Once you've identified them, beyond question, I doubt you can or should ever trust them again.

@maryannebrown2385

4 жыл бұрын

I agree 100%. And I must say, that has been an extremely painful life lesson to learn.

@johnpaul5474

4 жыл бұрын

@@maryannebrown2385 Yes, indeed. It's been a long, painful lesson. Although I've had them in my family, and all around me throughout my life, I found it very difficult to believe that people could be that way; I suppose now that I didn't want to believe it. All the best to you.

@MarkWhippy

4 жыл бұрын

I think the only way to “beat” them is to not pay any attention to them and be around better people.

@johnpaul5474

4 жыл бұрын

@@MarkWhippy Being around better people is very important, as are being a better person and living well.

@Aestheticspro

4 жыл бұрын

Alas, absolutely no hope

Yes they never stop even when you call them out on their behaviour, its like they are deaf they just keep at it. Its very weary for the victims and sometimes theres alot at stake one cant just leave and worse is when one cant afford counselling its double tragedy. This kind of informatiob is quite helpful to note thanks Doc.

Understanding on a cognitive level and a emotional level are two completely different things. Wow I never thought about how they can just basically out last a person emotionally during arguments.

@delaney6066

4 жыл бұрын

Therapy for Nerds My ex could sleep like a log right after arguing and crazy making crap. Meanwhile my brain was trying to process it all, keeping me awake with an insecure feeling that it would start again after he rested the next day. I never knew if the next day would be more devaluing or if the idealization phase would start the whole cycle over.

@latinaalma1947

2 жыл бұрын

@@delaney6066 WHAT idealization phase..never one compliment or I love you in eight yrs. When dating it he mouthed it silently across a room when I was eating with his family and they couldnt see it...he bought romantic cards but out loud face to face never one positive or nice word. He had epic volcanic fury though, plenty of belittling and fury...he picked his three wives well...all had grown up in homes with strict overbearing domineering often angry fathers...we thought all men were like that...found out after his anger fianlly killed him at 47 of a sudden heart attack that no not all mennare like that.

They are evil! Just leave them..... for your own health & sanity.

@jengable4888

4 жыл бұрын

J G ...if you can afford to ! This " orchestrated" situation is insane !

@h.borter5367

4 жыл бұрын

But what if you have absolutely no choice?

@ChrisTian-rm7zm

3 жыл бұрын

@@h.borter5367 please seek help from others if you alone can't make it. Learn as much as you can about narcissism.

Will you please consider doing a video on Narc mothers and adult children? Thank you for your insight.

a good way to deal with a narcissist in the short term is to either ignore them, react the opposite way from what they expect, or just to change the subject completely as if you didn't hear what they said

I found this video both concise and powerful!!! I found that a relationship with Narcassis is like going to battle every day and sometimes even multiple times in a day. You can only hope to survive and not win. The toll of the battles create CPTSD and you remain under sniper attack for many years to come. Nobody ever truly wins a war.

@latinaalma1947

2 жыл бұрын

I met someone wonderful after he died and have been with this terrific loving man 40yrs. For the first decade I had sporadic nightmares a few times a year of being back in those one way battles trying to flee but the way out of the room blocked so there was no escape...in my waking mind it had eased but it haunted me for awhile.

Doctor, I SO much appreciate you explaining this! Thank you!

The battle analogy was PERFECT. Sometimes knowing you'll never "win" makes it easier to deal with a narcissist. Thank you for this video! It puts things into perspective.

Your examples are so helpful in understanding the depths of this destructive personality disorder. I went through this over a decade ago, but it was never articulated to me so clearly. You are spot on with your advice! I am sure you saved someone from an abusive relationship today, Dr. Grande!

@Gwen13061

4 жыл бұрын

angela450nyc or kept someone in a relationship hoping on false hope

@angela450nyc

4 жыл бұрын

@@Gwen13061 I went to couples counseling with a narcissist. He stopped going when he realized he could not fool the counselor, but I continued solo. Without the counseling, I doubt I would have ever made the decision to leave the relationship which was one of the best decisions I ever made.

@mentalgardenparty1483

4 жыл бұрын

angela450nyc yes I am grateful.

Well, this is the best and most comprehensive recount I have heard, and Dr. Grande did it in under 12 minutes! Worth listening over and over again. Clicks ALL the boxes. Uphill battle, superiority, needs, needs, more needs. This is better described as TOXIC, it's beyond dysfunctional. My therapist only suggested ways to walk on eggshells and hinted that I could try to establish some boundaries. No person deserves narc abuse especially if borderline traits are present, too.

@Anita-k

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, I've watched it several times too and now I'll look up his older videos for the narcissist subtypes. Hopefully I'll find some of them!

Helpful video. Perhaps it’s unusual, but the balance of power intellectually is sometimes way in favor of the victim, who metaphorically gets up off the ground through acquiring an understanding of narcissism, and punches the bully’s nose into oblivion. In this instance, abuse permanently ceases. Occasionally the lion discovers the only thing discouraging the mauling of his trainer is a tiny little whip.

Dr. Grande, I am in the devalue and discard stage. I am so devestated by my husband's behavior. It is nothing short of pure evil.

@methib3306

4 жыл бұрын

debbie smith I can understand that, I’m going through same also . 38 yrs of marriage and he discarded me from 6yrs for a young woman, he is enjoying and has kept me hanging.

@KarenChatham

4 жыл бұрын

I am too. It is very difficult for sure. And heartbreaking...like someone that keeps pounding on your heart just to watch it shatter.

@rudhisundar

4 жыл бұрын

You should be happy, every day away from the Narcissistic monster is a great day!

@GUURL101

3 жыл бұрын

@@methib3306 bruuh you shouldve been left him

@GUURL101

3 жыл бұрын

@@methib3306 i hope you've divorced him by now, especially with this pandemic going on. No one should have to go through a quarantine with a narc

I don't think the narcissist needs to "WIN" the fight. I think they just WANT to win more. It's a game.

The point of narcissism is to get you to accept the narcissism. The only solution is to leave. Leave your partner, your job, your family. Wherever they are, just leave.

As always, Dr. Grande, you are SPOT ON! The only thing you can do is run. And minimize contact! No contact is best!

How to successfully deal with a narcissist: LEAVE.

I got tied just watching this. I am seeking counseling Dr. Grand. Like you are advising Wish me luck!

@kathrinjohnson2582

4 жыл бұрын

Good luck!

@dande_lion

4 жыл бұрын

Good luck! (Look for a counselor who is really familiar with abuse of this kind. Otherwise you might get even more damaged.)

@Anita-k

4 жыл бұрын

&, Don't make a couple therapy, only for yourself alone; or maybe include your kids (if you have) and feel the need to! Narcissists don't want to change; they're very much ok with themselves.

@trishg8852

4 жыл бұрын

@@Anita-k true

@janakakumara3836

4 жыл бұрын

Good luck! Hope your recovery goes well.

Great description, 'War of Attrition''. It amazes me that not everyone can be reasoned with but you have just explained why. I did not realise narcissists engaged in their cruel behaviours to protect their fragile sense of self. I suppose if you recognise you are in a relationship with a narcissist it is best to walk away, since reason is not enough to disarm them, and they will always be victorious.

I am overwhelmed with the truth of this video that I didn't have words for. I have never had a narcissistic partner. It was a significant family member. When her husband went to counseling she divorced him. She ruthlessly badgered family and friends for how ever long it took until they agreed she was right just to be able to stop the well aimed painful arrows and get away. Emotional sniper wounds. She behaved at work though. Is that typical? It is like she knew who she could hurt and overpower and who she couldn't. Compassion and wishes for healing and comfort to anyone who is or has experienced this from either side of the coin. Life can be different. 💚

@2lynnw

4 жыл бұрын

Hi. Dr Grande touched on Narcissism in the work place last week. It’s really interesting. If you didn’t see it and you want to take a look it’s “Malignant Narcissism. Is it Narcissism and Psychopathy together? “ (Jun 8th 2019)

@MsVaughn75

4 жыл бұрын

Based on my personal experience and various things I’ve read, I think it may be a pretty fair thing to say that is quite typical that a narcissist is very capable in one situation and abusive in another. There’s this term that you may have heard of - narcissistic supply... the theory of it goes something like this... Two main types of supply. Primary and secondary. Both are necessary in order to keep the narcissist functioning at an optimal level. It’s a balancing act. They draw a certain type of energy from being abusive in one situation and then redirect it into another- often positive situation such as being quite professionally successful. Both situations serve as a form of ego maintenance. Ego in the sense of a stable idea of self worth/control. A common analogy is that the narcissist wears a mask. The abusive side is when the mask slips off and you can see what’s underneath.

@2lynnw

4 жыл бұрын

MsVaughn75 that’s really interesting.

They have to twist things around to make your good works look bad; make fun of your goodness, find fault when something is praiseworthy. They when there's a debate they have to win even if they're dead wrong. They almost never apologize. If they do, it's only to suck you in again to hurt you again.

Can you imagine , a man discovers his wife, the mother of his children is a narcissist. Few lawyers, Judges and appointed social workers, will accurately diagnose and prescribe appropriately. The man will lose the war by attrition of resources, both financial and emotional. Have you see the documentaries, Divorce Corp. and the red pill?

@kathywilliams1050

4 жыл бұрын

Can you imagine, a woman discovers her husband, the father of her children, is a narcissist. Few lawyers, judges, appointed social workers, or doctors will accurately diagnose and prescribe appropriately. No one wants to hear someone badmouth a spouse, and that assumes she can articulate what is wrong. She comes off as weak, a whiner. She will lose the war by attrition of resources, both financial and emotional. The narcissist always wins: he turns everything around, does very public good deeds, is a "wonderful person" from the outside. Whatever gifts or resources that attracted the narcissist to her in the first place are gradually siphoned away, leaving her a zero.

@dr.luciddreamster9323

4 жыл бұрын

@@kathywilliams1050 There is no equating the two outcomes. She gets the to live in the house the man paid for and he can sleep in his car. She is advised by her attorney, to allege false domestic violence allegations with no proof and she will be believed. See the Duluth model on DV policy. She gets full custody of the children and spousal support for life. Sbe has to be supported in the lifestlye she was accustomed to. Finally he gets thrown in jail for losing either his job or health, because he fell three months behind in child support. Watch the documentaries Divorce Corp, or the red pill before any further reply.

@nicolaxoxo1

4 жыл бұрын

Dr. Lucid Dreamster why do you assume that the man paid for the house? Very sexist assumption. Are your aware that men can be financial parasites too? Narcissistic people often take financial advantage of their partners.

Yes! 'a relationship with a narcissist really feels like a competition', exactly! My experience was being told that explicitly, she said 'all relationships are about competition and power', this was one of many red flags that she waved at me. The abuse was too much, ultimately, to work with.

My ex once even told me: I want you to suffer. My brain couldn't cope with that at that time and I tried to push it away. Afterwards (some time after the relationship ended), I asked him if he would call himself a sadist. His answer was: yes, sometimes.

I love your informative videos! Can you do a video about malignant narcissistic mothers and the effect on their children?

They also win, b/c of their absolute need for attention and being the center of it. And not only your attention, but also anyone around it, where they of course drag you and play the victim. It's like a cycle: every time they feel neglected for whatever reason (like boredom, someone else gets the attention for whatever reason), they need to create a turmoil and they are so frigging crafty with it, that ppl involved doesn't know, what is happening. This was one thing (among many others), that kept me on my toes my entire childhood, until approx. my mid-twenties, when I finally realized, my mother must be suffering from some kind of mental illness. It took another 15 years, until I finally realized, she is a vulnerable narcissist with a high level of sadism. At the same time, I realized, that my boss, whose behavior reminded me so very much of my mother's , must be one, too (this was after 6 years at the workplace). The really scary part is to realize, that this is their normal life, as opposed to us "non-narcissists" - the realization, that this high drama driven behavior will always be a part of this relationship - no matter, if it is family, business, or romantic. I thought, I could get my boss off my back by foghting back - but as you explained it so perfectly: they won't get tired of this game playing and winning - if necessary, until their final days: it is all, that matters. They need to feel to have gained back all the power, otherwise, they feel like slowly dying. Addendum: after the second time watching the video, that you discussed why they "win the war of attrition" and not the cause why they get into it the first place. As a victim, I still get caught up in these discussions by my emotions, as it has been very traumatizing. Sharing your everyday life with a person with narcissistic personality disorder and being highly dependent to them is efthing up one's mind to the point of being unable to think clearly and breaking this evil cycle of self doubt that's almost always left with the victim of narcisstic abuse, even if it is unconsciously. Does this even make sense, what I am writing? 😳🙄😖☹️🙁😒

I'm wondering why you feel optimistic that relationships with narcissists can be healed? I found the healthier I got, the worse things got because he felt really threatened. The more I tried to self soothe, communicate in healthy ways, ignore poor behavior or even set boundaries...just no matter what I did, he started to ramp up things like sabotage and raging.

@gerardschannel4461

3 жыл бұрын

I was wondering about that too! I just don't see how counselling with a narc can ever work. Having been the victim of Narc's growing up and then marrying one! I can say that they only view you as a source of supply and nothing more. They hate you and the is no fixing that ever.

Awesome video 👏 Can you do one on narcissistic sibling abuse? You never hear much on this but these ppl must have had siblings before they had partners to abuse .

@Anita-k

4 жыл бұрын

Lol, I wrote this comment on an entirely different channel. But Dr. Grande heartened it and it's from another username. KZread is drunk and glitching again I guess. Makes me wonder, if the content of the comment changes, when I refresh the YT page/website? Edit: It changed thankfully. My theory about the Christian Andreachio murder (or suicide) case really didn't fit to that video!

@anjachan

4 жыл бұрын

after I heard so much about it I really believe my brother has that. It was hell. I will never see him again. I HOPE I will never see him again.

It’s the low neuroticism that I found so attractive in my narcissistic spouse. My mother may have had vulnerable narcissistic traits and I am highly wound and he was so strong, so chill. But then the sadism was apparent and I realized what I was married to

Thank You So Very Much For Sharing Thank You For Explaining Narcissism I Have Been In A Relationship With This Person The Worst Thing I Did Was Telling This Person My Fears In Return He Used My Fears As My Punishment..Thank You For This Video This Explains Why Narcissists Like To Hurt Others

I had one full-on narc war in my life Defeating a grandiose narcissist can mean breaking the power of their script over your shared universe. However, expect a meltdown from them and attempted take down as a response. I endured it with slight mental difference traits of my own as the narcissist chewed through people all around me (figurative body count of roughly 4 out of 8 within 8 months, not including myself) *avoidant: grey rock to the extreme followed by total no-contact *histrionic: sick pleasure in environmental drama - pass the popcorn - humorizing extreme behavior such as tantrums "what a great performance - you could sell tickets" (wow did this lead to fireworks - good thing that I kept it to myself until the last day but while it was entertaining, it was also dangerous and I would probably take it to my grave next time - when I calculated that there was nothing less to lose, I underestimated how far it could be taken)(more like an histrionic shidt into false/dramatic/cinematic unreality like watching a drama show on TV instead of taking pleasure in the pain of others - at least I think so)(making rockingly hilarious cartoons about it in secret but not using those to tear down a target, just revelling in a creative process triggered by pain) *extreme immersion in tasks and particular interests - and drawing others into these with me The narcissist did not have their way so the entire institution got discarded. It was small enough to go under from this. Although, this didn't happen until after I stopped fighting for it, I think the damage done was more than I could have saved it from. About half way through the fiasco ("war of attrition" fits too well), one of the other 4 targets told me that they thought I was the only person keeping it alive. I needed it to stay alive financially and for my career relatively close to as much as the narc needed to control or destroy psychologically - until I didn't anymore because time was up and I had a way out instead.

Hi Dr. Grande I find you very knowledgeable so what I say below does not pertain to you personally in anyway. I believe we have to be careful about seeking counseling when we are dealing with a narcissist. Especially if its couples counseling. As many times the therapist can’t see through the narcissist and an intelligent narcissist is very adept at turning an ignorant therapist into a lethal weapon against their partner. Which can be very dangerous especially if there’s a child custody case going on. Also when I try to seek therapy 6 years ago while dealing with a narcissist I could not find a therapist in the big city I lived in In the United States who understood narcissism other than being able to recite the definition in the DSM. I even went as far as to email professors at different universities who specialized in psychopathy asking them if they could recommend somebody in my city who knew something about narcissism and they could not. My own brother at the time who is a psychologist in Australia told me that they had next to no training in narcissism or psychopathy at University. I’m sure this is changing but it would be interesting to hear what Psychologist therapist and other mental health professionals are been taught about this subject at present. Also given the fact that the narcissist like a psychopath is usually overly calm and the victim of narcissistic abuse especially when the narcissist is decompensating, is often showing signs of being frantic harassed agitated and maybe making stupid mistakes because their cortisol level being so high. It's been my Experience that mental health professionals, the police force and the courts on the whole see the calmer individual as the mentally healthy one and their partner is perceived to be the one with major mental health issues. Maybe you could make a video on What mental health experts are being taught at present regarding these subjects.

@lisasmith516

4 жыл бұрын

THEY ARE REALLY VERY "DIM BULBS" ABOUT THE TOPIC. GRANDE COMES CLOSEST, SO FAR. EXCEPT FOR GAVIN DE BECKER'S BOOK, " THE GIFT OF FEAR." AND HIS " MOSAIC THREAT ASSESSMENT TEST." It saved me from a MURDEROUS EX AS WE DIVORCED.

@kendratheflynn3368

4 жыл бұрын

Excellent comment ! Even I fell for the calm demeanor of the Narc . Thinking his ex wife was the psycho problem . I found 7 long years later he had much to do with pushing her sanity level to the brink . They are masterful at covering their monsterous secret. They look so glued together while the other is falling apart , frazzled , un hinged even . It’s a very evil game . Thankful for these places to find answers to once unanswerable questions .

I had the "privilege" of being in such a relationship and the only resolution I found was escape, which is sooo much more easily said than done given how it all progresses and functions. Even after diagnosis I was still mad prone to falling right back into no-win situations and manipulation that turned me inside-out and upside-down while wearing me down to a nub of what I'd been before. Even years removed from the situation it has a very real and noticable impact on me in ways that pop up randomly and in unexpected ways and that seems fairly typical of people who are coming from a similar situation. Pure misery that doesn't end when ya walk away. It's sad cause they could've been just about anything they wanted to be but their condition relegated them to destroying everyone they touch.

Brilliant explained! I will certainly listen to this video again, because repetition is the mother of all knowledge and skills. Thank you Dr. Grande 😃. Greetings from 🇳🇱

Don't feed the animals at the zoo. You get bit most every time.

@recreate21

4 жыл бұрын

I wish we could keep narcs in zoos and let the animals be free and live in sanctuaries.

Not worth it, if you can't move forward in productivity and peace with a person ! Move on with your life !

Good video! I know I troll your comments sometimes (in good fun tho), but this was very informative and I do very much respect your approach when it comes to psychology.

There were points in my thoughts where I thought I was crazy for not being able to articulate why I thought these people were narcissistic, even trying to comprehend their behavior so I could perhaps care for them/explain or overlook their inflictions of pain. I really appreciate your explanations. Thank you, Dr. Grande!

Thank you for the videos, doctor. They are truly informative and objective. My wife and I went to a counselor once with my narcissist mother. It was just an unending battle with her, and it turned into a battle in the counseling session. The counselor called off the meeting, realizing that with so much emotion it was impossible to mediate, and/or she realized that the relationship was beyond repair. I do believe that despite my mother's extroversion, over-friendliness, gregariousness and belief that she was more intelligent than most (and she was intelligent), deep down she despised herself. In fact everything you say about the narcissist's behaviour in the War of Attrition dovetails with what we experienced, and indeed what I experienced since childhood. She is gone now. I didn't grieve.

It's the same as arguing with the persecution complex, who needs agreement!

Dr. Grande you said a mouthful and everything you said was SPOT-ON. This is the saddest truth. To know that your dearest loved one lover can never have you anymore. Knowing that there is nothing good coming from this relationship. They can never treat you right. They will always seek to give you pain. Even though you really love each other deep down but they are so damaged that loving yourself more is the greatest relationship to be in .

They select people who can supply the dellusion, the rage is when we don't agree!!

Hey, Dr. Grande, I’ve been busy so missed a few of your latest & greatest. Always good info & very articulate. Ahhh ... “war of attrition”. Interesting nomenclature. 🤔Watching you & Zoe (from “LIVE ABUSE FREE”) makes me wish I had been trained in Psychology rather than Pharmacology. Thx! Dr. Angelina

Very true , Dr. Grande, your usual excellent work. Brilliant. Thank you. S.

I'd try to get to the bottom of things with my ex (when he would light into me--calling me names and screaming irrationally). I had a need to understand why he was raging. (I mean, if he was that miserable, if I was the horrible person he was making me out to be, why didn't he leave? Because, as I later figured out, he would lose the object of his abuse.) And he had a need to win, which I only became aware of because he'd accuse me of trying to win. Win what? Marriage is not a game and what we were engaged in was not fun--it was exhausting and demoralising to me. I thought it odd that he looked at those situations and our relationship in terms of win / lose or finding fault, assigning blame. How do those strategies help a relationship? I didn't see the purpose in the angry outbursts, and I didn't see it as purposeful manipulation. I had no clue about narcissism. I only finally understood what was going on when I was leaving him (because I could no longer tolerate the abuse and also love myself).

When you still have that malignant hope of the “2nd gear” kicking in ... there’s NO 2nd gear y’all... Thanks for your personal example Dr... I am stealing as you can see.

Can narcissists love other people? Can someone with NPD love other people? Are there ways to get a narcissist or someone with NPD to love their partner? Are there healthy ways to meet the emotional needs of narcissists and people with NPD that will diminish their need to play mind games or devalue their targets? Why do narcissists and people with NPD work so hard to keep stringing people along to keep them in a relationship if they don’t love them? Do narcissists and people with NPD view their supply sources as their property? Can you explain the roles intermittent reinforcement, trauma bonding & cognitive dissonance play in creating love addiction to a narcissist, someone with NPD, or some other toxic manipulators? Do toxic manipulators KNOW that the intermittent reinforcement in the sweet/mean cycle of trauma bonding creates a love addiction in their targets, or is there some dysfunctional, but natural dynamic at play in their behavior? Is it a calculated effort to hook someone on the oxytocin, dopamine & serotonin that flood the target’s brain during the sweet cycles following the periods of devaluation and the anxiety produced by that devaluation? That seems unlikely, unless they know about behaviorism & brain chemistry. If a narcissist or someone with NPD is aware of that dynamic, would that be an indication that they’re malignant, sociopathic, psychopathic, or possibly APD? If a narcissist or someone with NPD is engaging in highly manipulative behaviors like hoovering, gaslighting, or obviously trying to get their target’s attention on social media (without overtly explaining their motive, but the motive is clear) just so they can get their target to contact them, or cause the target to worry about losing them, doesn’t that reflect some sort of attachment to their target? How would a narcissist or someone with NPD react to their partner offering themselves as a primary source of high quality narcissistic supply, overtly or covertly? Why are narcissists & people with NPD nicest when their targets have one foot out the door if they aren’t attached to them?

Can you do a video on covert narcissism? Specifically how to deal with a covert narcissist in a marriage?

Awesome Dr Grande, and just SO true. Brilliant, you've summed it up perfectly. I've had decades of Narcissistic domination from my one sibling whose much older, and who seems to derive pleasure from slurring my character and getting me to 'react' in my attempts to protect and justify myself as a good, caring person motivated by the right intentions. But that older brother has brainwashed me and defined me so negatively, since I was a toddler, and it he never resists an opportunity. I feel there must be some underlying reason why he has to keep up the hostility and derision, and I agree that he gets some pleasure from upsetting me and provoking me to react exactly how he wants me to. Too many times I've played right into his hands. One day I shall speak out more publically because he has broken my self image so purposely and I even had to record conversations just so that I have my evidence against the post emotional abuse gaslighting. Ah life !

I have a "just give the baby thier bottle" way of dealing with this from the narcissist parent. I can see someone stepping up to me for sport, and just let them have the win. I rarely get the encounter again after that.

Oh, I can't readily think of a more awful job than having to try and give "Couples Counselling" to dyads where there's a narcissist involved! Thank goodness there *are* patient & skilled individuals like you who are willing to help. If I were trying to counsel couples professionally, I suspect I'd end up pulling the non-narcissistic person aside and tell them to try and leave! Narcissistic abuse in relationships is (this is just my observation of course) far more common than many people seem willing to believe. Having had one relationship with a covert narcissist when I was young - I simply don't have time for interacting with them & I'll distance myself as much as is practical from people like that once I discover them in my personal or professional life. I really don't want another relationship where it feels like *you're* the one who has it all together, that is, until the other person wants to engage in an argument for whatever reason and I know it can vary - believe that. The reasons for initiating an argument may vary but the escalation of the behaviour often seems unstoppable. I'd love to be wrong about that.

They get with you, just to see you fall apart and then wait to see what happens next

Any insight into the need for narcissistic revenge (when possibly objectively justified)

@GUURL101

3 жыл бұрын

@Ivtb this is the level that I am reaching 😁🥰

I can't ever see how counselor could help anyone have a positive relationship with a narcissist. Not can I ever see how any amount of therapy could ever tame a narcissist. Delighting in controlling & causing pain is the name of their came. Any momentary kindness is typically for an ulterior motive, so they can mess with you later. If anyone ever has been "cured" so to speak, I'd live to see it & have a serious look at how it was done.

I thought that my life was over literally. I had given up and was ready to die. Dr Grande’s work on this issue has shown me what’s actually going on here and I’m taking my soul back! Thanks so much, Dr Grande! You ought to be given a medal for your great work in saving lives!!!

Can a person sue someone for pain and suffering??

I recently had to leave my apartment because my narcissistic neighbour wanted to fight me. Was turning my other neighbours against me. All because a random girl in a club one night was interested in having a conversation with me but when he tried she wasn't interested. I tried for about a week to resolve the issue. But it continuously became more and more hostile. To the point where he was standing in the car park yelling "step outside and fight me" because he came into my apartment and went through my fridge. When I told him to stop he fronted me and i asked him to leave. The worst part is he has to live with himself being like that. No thank you!

That's it, when a selected person stops fulfilling the fantasy, that's when they turn and need to destroy disappointment!

Thank you! Even though, they seem resilient, I think it does matter, very much to KNOW that you're in a relationship with a narcissist. You need to know what you're dealing with. How else would you learn about narcissism, and see all the narc tactics they are using on you, if you don't even know they are narcissists???? I'm so sad it took me SO long to find this out. I only found out through my own online research. Only 1 counselor briefly mentioned the word narcissist to me, when describing him. And she didn't explain it. It went right over my head. Til 5 years later!! I was very disappointed she didn't stick with the topic and ask me to research it, or give me information on narcissism. I have heard the same happened to many people. Not just me. Why don't counselors want to bring up narcissism? Most probably are un-educated about it themselves!! It's really sad, when we're counting on counselors to help us.. it's upsetting. Xo

I really enjoyed the video, but I'm confused about why you feel hopeful about healing narcissistic (abuse) relationships? Surely that can't be supported by research or even clinical experience? You gave a bunch of reasons to the contrary in this and previous videos.

As someone who managed to 'escape' from the narcissist, this was spot-on, and well conveyed. Bravo Dr. Grande!

Dr Grande....your the BEST! Love your channel...so helpful. 👍👍😊

spot on!!!

I thoroughly enjoyed this video, especially because my therapist and I had a session today where we discussed the parts of the internal family system. So, there are the managers, the firefighters, and the exiles; And throughout this video, I was thinking about which part narcissism would fall under. It seems like narcissism is a firefighter because it’s distracting from the pain and firefighters will just about anything to push the exiles back into exile to escape the pain. And I mean just about anything. There have been instances where people will have body aches or they’ll feel sore for no discernible reason and it’s a psychosomatic effect because their firefighters might be trying to divert attention somewhere else to escape the pain of an exile. I’m rambling at this point, but, nonetheless, great video :0)

I still have problems with trembling and nervousness even thinking about the years of verbal and psychological abuse which robbed me of so much. These people enjoy seeing you break down and will sabotage your endeavors through lies and manipulation. I've seen the winning smile many times as they view the victim's pain and defeat.

This video helped me a lot, it's so relieving but depressing at the same time to have your discernment confirmed by an expert. Thank you for your efforts to inform people!

Will you never rest? Fighting the battle of who could care less. - Ben Folds

This channel is pure gold! ❤

A normal person doesn't know that they're only there to agree with the dellusion!

Omg he is a genius

Very important to understand this stuff! Thanks Dr. Grande!

This is very helpful

Thank you- my gaslighting covert narcissist can go on and on so that I give in so I can sleep. Then when she brings it up up again, if I can’t keep my mouth shut (either she goes on too long or my moral courage arises), I may just “reset” to my original position until bed time... since kicking me out or threatening divorce meets with an “ok” from me nowadays.

WOW U LITERALLY ARE SAVING MY LIFE RIGHT NOW. SO SO SO WELL TAUGHT / COMMUNICATED. BRAVO!!!!!! ENCORE

Your perspective and interpretation on this topic, Dr. Grande, is SOLID GOLD.

Doc, your videos just get better and better. Thank you 😊!

Greatly useful information. Thank you.

You are brilliant

The relief is to protect their fantasy, which we are providing!

You have described the person I've been married to, After 45 years I have given up, I am a beatin . I thought I was just imagining that she was getting stronger as I was being worn down. When I filed for divorce she said she would take everything, and while I sat back and watched in disbelief. Until you put these things into words the picture was blurred. I worry that because of the way I am I turned her into this. Watch a few more of these and I think I'll find out,thank you sir.

Thank you Doc! You're an absolute wealth of knowledge! 😃

Thank you!

Thank you so much for all your work. It’s a relief to discover a voice of reason and feel like you’re getting reliable information. Your mind is fascinating :-)

So true!!

Once again…so on target! Your work is much appreciated. I relate well to illustrations. The army of soldiers a commander is will to sacrifice is very clear. The need to learn is survival, but it’s great to have it related descriptively and sometimes with humor.

Another great video Dr Grande, thanks. This one was really helpful. It’s a good way to manage people’s expectations of how life ‘should be’ once you have ‘broken free’ from a narcissist and identified what they are. Some people can feel that once they know that their spouse was a narcissist or psychopath that they are sort of home free from the abuse. The reality, when no contact isn’t possible because of children can still feel very abusive. Just knowing that they are narcissists doesn’t stop the abuse hurting. Their need to ‘win the war’ is so exhausting and such a waste of precious energy and time on earth 🌍. Keep up the great work, you’re prolific, I’ve watched lots of your videos but don’t always get time to comment. Really valuable information and healthy and safe debate and discourse. Thanks again 🙏🏼

Appreciate the content thank you for explaining.