I am so glad I found you!!! I was about to quit my job. I’ve always gone completely numb and have been unable to speak a word when people verbally abuse me (or worse). I am learning to speak up for myself - all thanks to you! I love how you help us out with exactly what to say as a comeback but still try to be a “mindful communicator”. I love the 3-second stare thing too. I wish you were my best friend. ❤️🦄☃️😸🦋

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Gena, I was moved by your message. Thank you so much. And I am your friend and will help you as we walk along on our journey. We're all in this together :)

@rookiej5587

Жыл бұрын

I pray you make it through. My best wishes.

@lisarivera5708

Жыл бұрын

Geena, let us know how it goes! I wrote a response so I’m invested now 😊

@behealthy9398

Жыл бұрын

You can do it!

@JerseyLynne

Жыл бұрын

​@@TheWizardOfWords I feel the same way. THANK YOU! New subscriber.

I have now rewatched this uncounted number of times and written down word for word what to say. going to practice in mirror! thank you 10,000 times!!

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

And THAT'S the way it's done, Alabaster.

I LOVE THE " is that what ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY " ?

I needed to be reminded of this. I'm making a final appointment with a passive aggressive " therapist" to call her out on a few things befor I ditch her.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Wow, there's a turnabout :)

@theopowell8815

7 ай бұрын

how did it go

A quick comeback with a smile And yes they're trying to say something without saying it. Like a big girl or boy.

Needing this before the holidays! Thank you 😊

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You’re welcome 😊

Dan, you're a blessing and I thank you for making this powerful short videos! Thank you, thank you! 🙏 😊

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

My pleasure!

Yes and when you do that you will see the passive aggressive person act really uncomfortable and they have this look like u are on to their game. U may have to use this on them a few times before they get it

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Yes :)

Still practicing this. Thank you ❤

I get them to repeat what they said by pretending I didn’t hear them. Getting them to repeat it to a now attentive audience reveals to everyone their belittling intention.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Excellent.

I wish I could remember all you have taught me in the spur of the moments when I am confronted by nasty people. I just hit a blank and look for an escape. I hate confrontation, because I always loose the fight.

My mother-in-law would come out and say cruel things. Such as telling me she thinks I am going to be an alcoholic based solely on the fact my mother was one. I was 25 when she told me and her family this. I rarely ever drank. I was not an independent thinking person, I was a statistic. And no, I am not an alcoholic and never have been. I’m 47 now. I’ve since learned she requires at least one full bottle of wine each night to fall asleep. Lol. I’m divorcing her son at the moment after 27 years with him. It’s so great to let go of their toxic family. I am hoping that whom ever becomes involved with him in the future, that she will see through all of them and either stay happy with herself and put them in their place, or that she leaves quickly for her own mental health.

what if the person isn’t just passive-aggressive but really wants to put you down and will say “yes, that’s what i’m saying”?

@keywestfan2503

Жыл бұрын

I was just thinking the same thing! Lol

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You say "hmmmm, I thought better of you" and leave it at that. Nothing more.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Hey keywest, see my response to Fruity :)

@morighani

Жыл бұрын

“well, I’m so glad I got to help you say what you were too scared to say in the first place.” or “oh, okay, so were you just too afraid to say it? Is that the reason, Mary?”

@FruityHachi

Жыл бұрын

@@morighani thanks, i like the first option as it just throws a shade, whereas the second option can start an argument and escalate things

Yay!!!! This is good calling out rude people

You so meed an app translator so people like me can type in what waa said and your voice would translate what should be said back. That would be awesome! I love your content!!!

Ugh I have somebody that tries to hijack my ideas by saying somebody else already told them that or they already know so I'm going to try this. I guess I would ask them if they ever did the idea I said or would they prefer discuss this with that other person. So annoying to communicate with these type of people.

@hayleyb467

Жыл бұрын

I would avoid sharing my ideas with them🤔

Uhhh that verbal abuse! Hate it! Thank you so much for teaching how to be courageous, in communication, yet loving at the same time. It’s just being upfront and I need this! 🥰🥰😍😍😇😇

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome, Talah.

💜My husband works from home. He forgets where he is. I have to tell him to go back in his office, remember WHO I AM, come out & try again. (He’s an engineer) Also, wicked side-eye.

Im watching this over and over and i can use this multiple times. I have CPTSD from abuse and ive resorted to avoidance altogether when blind-sided by they low ball comments at work that are unproductive and even personal.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

I hope these videos help SSB.

@ShinySilverBunny

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords absolutely. I saw another commenter mentioned practice in the mirror and I'm definitely going to write these down and do that. I've followed along when you say to repeat it out loud. I left corporate after 20yrs and now a massage therapist fulltime and where I work I am still encountering this nonsense when minding my own business. One wouldn't think to find this type in massage industry but I've learned they are everywhere and I have a lesson to learn in standing up for myself. Thank you so much. You're like an earth angel doing work to help others break free and heal. It takes one to know one 😇

I actually love this piece of advice because as someone who used to be passive-aggressive I know how self-destructive it is. I live in a city where people are encouraged to sublimate aggression, but giving up on being aggressive at all is what actually made me assertive (and healthier for it). Your advice is consistently assertive, and it helps people avoid the trap of mistaking being aggressive for being competent, competitive and cool-headed. Making others aware of their inappropriate behavior toward one by bringing attention to it in an assertive way is, regardless of how it's received, an inherently respectful thing to do.

I asked my father in law if the heater was warm enough for him when he came over. He gave such a condescending response when I was being hospitable. Says, “I have a jacket on. What do you want me to say?” Augh. I will do these techniques. Thank you

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

What a guy! BTW, my stepfather lives in Mexico, and gets cold easily in the evenings. He wears a jacket almost every evening. If I say "Jim, are you warm enough?" he might say "Yes, I'm comfortable, Dan" or he might say "Ask your mother to start a fire, will you?" WEARING A JACKET DOES NOT TELL YOU WHETHER OR NOT A PERSON IS WARM ENOUGH, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

Thank you. I tend to be pretty big on calling people out, but this is admittedly a much classier way to do so...I am sometimes guilty of being aggressive about it when it's not necessary. Getting better every day, though! 😀

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

That should be the goal of all of us, Becky--getting better every day. We will never reach perfect (whatever that is). but better is do-able and measurable--by us, of course==as we evaluate ourselves.

For a beginner, just say "What do you mean by that?" For more experienced people try the approach in this short video. Thanks Dan

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Mary, it seems to me we don't have to start at the beginner level, especially when you open up a huge can of worms with your question. Think about the difference between that and what I suggest; there WILL be a test :) :)

Great post !!!

You give awesome guidance

Quick snarky quips are hard to stop. People answer rudely for no reason amd if you make a comment about it, it makes you look like the rude one. Better to just laugh amd move on, not giving them any energy.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

That's one approach. There are several. If yours works for you, then by all means, use it.

@ENFPerspectives

Жыл бұрын

​​@@TheWizardOfWords Neither has worked, as in stopping the behavior (myself going to management repeatedly was what finally worked). When I initially called this person on their behavior (it was multiple times I had to) that person told me I was too sensitive & then proceeded to talk loudly, telling me, "they were done with the conversation!" (embarassingly loud). I later ended up telling them, you would not like it if I spoke to you in the demeaning way you speak to me. I know they "heard" me, but it took awhile for them to control themself; they seem to take any opinion, than theirs, as disrespect on them & do not know how to have productive conversations. I do agree that how you do it would be effevtive in many circumstances.

@ENFPerspectives

Жыл бұрын

​​@@TheWizardOfWordsI think what I have experienced is that they deny it when they are called on it and then move on to gaslighting by denial. Either way, we have remained as professional as possible, and the behavior has lessened but it took months.

in response to one of the comments I read, about people who say "yes that's what I'm saying" do you think you could please do a video with your version of the Grey Rock Method, I love your flamboyant frankness, it really screams ' I know who I am, I dare you to do your best, I'll give you 5000 thousand dollarsif you can get me to question myself, but you get one shot, and one only.' . I'm sorry someone got you to the point that you felt that you needed to learn this so well that you so elegantly wanted to share it with the world, but we thank you!

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Niki, you don't have to be sorry about my getting to the point of needing to learn what I teach. Mine is not a sad story; mine is a story of watching and learning :). I am eternally grateful for the life I was given to lead. I only hope I've done it justice.

@niki.ktronsgard8507

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords one full year of rehab plus another 6 years in therapy, included was role playing, and yet I'm watching your videos to deal with my property manager, a couple few longterm friends, on occasion my mother. all of which are female. I think you could make the world into a better place to be, but I do believe they gotta start them young in grade one, during the process of social conditioning and brain development rather that than have driven your life into the ground full speed that your only option is spending a year in rehab where it just so happens you learn how to be assertive, and shocked to find out the word no is a complete sentence. with all the parental alienation going on these days society will probably , more ignorant, rude and entitled some how.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Younger is better, but there is no age at which you can't learn and grow if you want to do that. It is not my goal to rid the world of ignorance, but it is my goal to teach people how to effectively deal with ignorance--while keeping their own integrity and being mindful. I would like to raise the global dialogue one conversation at a time, encouraging people to remember that whatever you NEED to say can be said in a loving way :)

I remember also running into a variant of the situation you’re using here as an example which was that when the condescender would say “I was good at something“ this person actually meant that was the ONLY thing I was good at (e.g. a “gender specific” task). HOW I COULD HAVE BENEFITED from your advice on this 15 years ago!!!!!!!

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Let's hope it helps for the next 15 :)

@alphanotmale1847

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords it will! I have no doubt! 😆😆😆😆

I love this! Thanks for this wisdom..

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

This is huge and going to be saved a d rewatched many times! Thank you!

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Thanks, Scourneene.

Usually it is only my response to the passive aggressor that gets reported to mgr who takes it, runs with it, adds it to the “several on team have concerns about your…” list w/o asking for my understanding of the conversation.

Thank you! I will be using this immediately!

You are a God send. Thank you

This is good. Im gonna try this

Omg! Thank you

With so many Leo's (cops) in my Famdamnly my go to response is ""WHAT IS THE NATURE OF YOUR INQUIRY OR STATEMENT""?

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Whatever works if what you should be using, Keithstewart.

Just love listening to every word you say. Happy new year 🎉 ✨️

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Happy new year!!

I'm glad you posted this, thank you! I just had a doctor say something condescending and I was dumbfounded with their bedside manner, basically in disbelief that they actually said what he said. He was upset that I wasn't choosing to follow his advice on antibiotics however I just needed time to research it. What's the follow up if they confess their supposed superiority? So grateful for your wisdom and experience!

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Doctor, no doubt you're the expert. And no doubt that's what I'll discover, when I do my due diligence and research your suggestion.

Great advice. But what if they're "just" using a condescending/aggressive tone? It's difficult to explain but my daughter's gymnastics teacher sometimes speaks to me as if I am her "servant"/inferior inspite of the fact that I pay her. I have on several occasions simply turned around and ignored her until she spoke to me in a more respectful tone but that isn't always possible... btw. I'm really not a snob, so I'm not being arrogant to her or anything.

@TheWizardOfWords

2 ай бұрын

If they're using a condescending tone, they're being condescending, Moonhunter.

Nice! Looove it!!

Pull out your memo pad and pen and ask them to repeat what they said so that you heard them correctly. They may change their words immediately by saying forget about it.

@TheWizardOfWords

6 ай бұрын

Good idea.

Yes!!

Yes get them to repeat what they said and be more specific this time.

It’s like a mirroring then into a rhetorical. Like yeah ok I know what your saying. There by letting everyone else know it too.

I know quite a few passive aggressive people. I'm not. Very straightforward person here. It gets very frustrating. Lol

What do I do if I ask a person “so what music do you listen to?” And they’ve clearly heard me but you can tell they don’t like you and simply ignore you and then there’s awkward silence then I feel like I don’t have the upper hand anymore? This has happened with my husband’s coworker who I’ve tried talking to but I always get the vibe that she doesn’t like me even though she doesn’t know me. Should I simply ignore her and not talk to her and wait for her to speak with me? I can’t stand mean-girl energy.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

I wouldn't ignore her. I wouldn't address her. There is a difference. Listen to her, make eye-contact with her and all the while maintain a pleasant silence unless she addresses you first.

Thanks!

@TheWizardOfWords

9 ай бұрын

Many thanks, Hiya!

😂😂 this is awesome

Are you trying to say that.. Are you implying that.. Are you suggesting that..

Hi Dan, Thank you for this Tip. My question is how to respond back if the Condon sender says yes that is what I meant to say? Thank you

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You'll have to watch the entire video, Ayanna :)

I agree with you. Sometimes I just don't catch sarcasm till long after the fact though. I'm not horrible at it, but it can miss me. I call what you're talking about Indirect method of communication, or communicating by Insinuation, which ALWAYS feels bad to me when someone comes at me sideways. Like, just say what you really mean because I'm NOT a mind reader! 😵‍💫 I think it's a really kind of toxic, sometimes abusive way to communicate when people use Insinuation. 😕

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Yep.

You are very good I’m a trained lifeline councillor in Australia lifetime is the national number you call in an emergency

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

That's quite a compliment coming from a lifeline counselor. Thanks, Christina.

Totally unrelated, but if you use guyliner, it really makes your eyes pop in your videos! 😍😎

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Thanks, but I don't use guyliner; I use God-liner, which means I use what I was given, and what you see is what you get :) :)

@lulumoon6942

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords So did my hubby, lucky hunks! 😊❤️

Omg. You terrify me but in a good way. 😅

Would love to watch the full video! Where can I find it? Thanks in advance

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Each short gives you the link to the full video.

why is this guy not writing mandated courses for grades1-12. Because I believe also there should be a mandated mindfulness class , interpersonal communication would be a good edition so it's not all CBT/DBT, and meditation. even though DBT has interpersonal communication as a module. I really wish I knew about this stuff before I got married

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

I have sold my Step Out of the Shadows and Speak course to charter schools for their use.www.danoconnortraining.com/step-out-of-the-shadows-june-2023

They’ll just deny it and you’ll look like the bad guy and seen as the negative one

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Seraphxangel, that is not my experience and I'm guessing it isn't yours, either :)

@micheller6804

Жыл бұрын

SeraphxAngel, I think this approach would shut down most people. The reason someone uses passive-aggressive speech is because they are uncomfortable communicating directly, so calling them out would give you the upper hand and the ability to direct the conversation.

@beingfree7551

Жыл бұрын

I understand your point. I’ve dealt with tricky ones who still somehow flip it no matter what, & in a loud humiliating way or backstabbing. I really have to work on these techniques & next ones.

that’s too much words when someone’s acting a fool to you

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

What might you suggest?

@DedeSoulchild

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords “it sounds like you’re trying to say” and to help them clarify ? People have a 2 second inner witness as to whether the person is speaking down or not.

@DedeSoulchild

Жыл бұрын

Why not say “I hear you but I hear sarcasm. Is that right?”. Say exactly what you know they did asking them to affirm or deny. They also know what they are doing.

Heart

This is great. I just want to clarify, this should be my response if someone says this sort of thing with a sarcastic tone, right?

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Yes :)

Cool shirt

I would like to know when passive aggressive behavior of any kind is actually useful, or good.? I find it favorable to be punched in the nose and I would rather punch someone in the nose. Rather than go behind someone's back, lie in order to ruin their reputation. While smiling to their face and saying we're fine, all is well... "for example" but that's just me.

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Who would disagree with that? Passive-aggressive behavior is never useful or good. However, neither is punching someone in the face. Spotlight the behavior and deal with it--mindfully. You don't have to deal with it by casting more darkness into darkness.

They probably gonna lie and deflect.

@TheWizardOfWords

9 ай бұрын

Really?

@zion367

9 ай бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords Yeah, people who are that petty to covertly insult others have no interest about being open about their faul intentions. I think the best (and most hard) way to deal with these situations is seeing their insecure behaviour for what it is and being unbothered by It. Also just laughing at them and saying "interesting" or "you are so funny" might work miracles

@TheWizardOfWords

9 ай бұрын

Whatever works for you, do it Zion. There is no one solution or magic bullet.

@zion367

9 ай бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords Yes definitly! Still figuring out the most perfect approach. Watching videos like yours are helpful to figure that out. Sometimes by applying the techniques amd sometimes by realising it needs something else. Whatever the case is, I am thankful for the material you share with us here and I hope my comments will be of use to others. Be blessed! Xx

A, quick Bite Me will work also

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Sure, but to what end?

This does not work on chefs, they don't even let you speak

👏👏👏

He look like Robert Downey Jr. Lol

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Well, maybe when I was younger :)

☺👍👏👏

Kind of a motorcycle-y Look you've got there ... like it! Fun:) Laurie

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Oh yeah! I'm bad . . . .

@lr692

Жыл бұрын

Ahhaha ur baaad!! 🏍

Passive aggressive people are cowards they’ll play dumb when you call them out on it how you gonna play dumb with something YOU said ?

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

Not sure I follow, Tony.

This is a very catty man

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

You let people talk down to you, James? I'm not certain that's a good idea.

@jamesinhenley

Жыл бұрын

@@TheWizardOfWords 😂

🎤

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

OK, are you sticking a pin in it or in me????

@hayleyb467

Жыл бұрын

​@@TheWizardOfWords it appears to be a mic

What is your real intention with this video? Sounds like you don't think I know what to say. ? Pancakes 🥞

@TheWizardOfWords

Жыл бұрын

My real intention is to give you the words. If you don't need the words, THAT'S WONDERFUL, but you're on the wrong channel. :) :) :)