“i can save her” says man who is worse

@wrenophelia3400

Ай бұрын

And it's friend, "I can fix him!" says person with a guy who knows exactly what he's doing and consistently chooses to be shitty

@xCAEGx

Ай бұрын

Every single time 💀

As an autistic fem who is also visibly underweight I constantly end up in relationships and friendships with guys who want to control every aspect of my life in the name of “saving” me. It’s honestly getting to a point where even connecting people feels unsafe.

@Concretesatanic

Ай бұрын

No one cares

@tangent5

Ай бұрын

^ignore the insecure troll. I hope you one day find someone who treats you right

@Inthepotwithdiogenes

Ай бұрын

There with you, man. Almost to the point i would rather not have any friends than not know someone's true intentions with me. It's hard enough without people deliberatly misrepresenting their motives.

@sus4nah

Ай бұрын

Can’t stand a “eat something baby for me okay?” mf 🙄

@princesskileyrae

Ай бұрын

Same... and by some strange token, I also see why we don't often attract "normal" males. We do need extra care, but also autonomy. Someone has to be willing to put up with a more "difficult" person & that in itself might create that complex.

The warning butterflies are too real. It’s really easy to in general confuse strong emotional and physiological responses for “love” or even just lust.

@4n0mie

18 күн бұрын

those butterflies were literally a warning sign before a sexual encounter I now understand was SA. listen to your gut, always.

It’s alarming just how many men I’ve met with this ‘saviour complex’ whether it’s to satisfy their ‘masculinity’ or garner control over a person, it’s scary. It’s so important to detect those traits before seriously dating them. Very interesting topic of conversation.

The aging out of these guys is so real.

@Nightskyvibes1

Ай бұрын

Yup

@claire.chiste

Ай бұрын

I’ve aged out but I still look vulnerable

intense co-depency isn't this safe, cozy relationship you always think it is

As a 23 year old mom who looks 15, future faking always gets me. It's weird and fascinating how the traits we like the most are sometimes the same ones we should avoid.

@nussknacker9827

Ай бұрын

It's so confusing and heartbreaking to finally finding your soul mate, just for them to tear it all down I also have this issue with looking like an underage Highschooler Every time I've been outside I've been harassed by predators.

My advice: see how they react if you tell them that their idea of helping you doesn't work. If they get angry, their ego as a saviour figure has been attacked. They don't feel empathy, they just want to prove their superiority as an allknowing hero to themselves.

@moonfire41

Ай бұрын

I'd just tell them " I outgrew needing a father figure years ago. If you don't want to be my equal, there's the door!"

@cosmiqoutcast

Ай бұрын

@@moonfire41 Exactly! I don't want them to treat me like a child. Especially when I never asked for their piece of advice to begin with, as if they knew myself better than I so lmao

@goblindude4242

Ай бұрын

REAL. Also invader zim pfp goes hard ‼️‼️

@cosmiqoutcast

Ай бұрын

@@goblindude4242 Haha thank you, Dib is my favorite neurotic nerdy boi

Whenever I see women in that kind of relationship, even if the man is more or less a good person, my cynicism creeps in and I wonder how quickly the rug would be pulled from under them if they started visibly aging/couldn't fulfil they're side of the (unspoken) bargain. Which usually amounts to them being childlike or adolescent looking, always suck, always in crisis, etc. I don't think any of it is altruistic- even with the "good" men. A truly loving partner would not tolerate a lack of contribution to the relationship: they'd push you to get better and wouldn't get validation from you staying weak and helpless.

@margodphd

Ай бұрын

Great observation. Very true.

@ShindaRatto

Ай бұрын

How do I explain this to someone who genuinely wants to help but their idea of help is different to mine? I'm a problem solver myself, but I went through enough ego-deaths to know my boundaries and how the "do this - do that" does not work for my stubborn ass. How do I prevent the sudden flush of defense to a preceived personal attack to take over the interaction?

This is so educational for younger viewers. I’m 41 and been there done that.

My narc ex specifically talked about wanting an autistic girlfriend. And it became clear it is because he wanted someone to control and who wouldnt fight back

@lauraryan1674

Ай бұрын

Same here , I remembermy narc ex saying he "loves people with down syndrome" also .. wonder why 🤔 ugh just thinking of him gives me the creeps 🤢

I'm a 33 yo gay man. Physically, I'm tall, not athletic but in good shape, and, well, yes, I consider myself handsome. I don't look like fragile but, oh, I can relate to almost everything you said. I described how I look because, even if being gay is not a medical condition, many men take advantage of homophobia to manipulate young gay guys. I'm a feminine guy and most of my relationships have been with bisexual guys or closeted gays. Also I have had plenty of straight friends that, at some point, started having feelings for me. I'm a very emotional person, well, who isn't? But, being more specific, I'm very aware of my emotions and what I feel, it's been years since I don't experience that horrible thing that is not being able to "name a feeling" or, worse, to recognize it, like, if I'm sad I know that I'm sad, I don't get confused and act like if I were mad. Also, I realized that my insecurities are not other's problem but mine, so I try, very consciously, not to let my insecurities hinder or make my relationships difficult. I think men start liking me when they perceive me as a safe person for them to express their feelings, As I write this, I'm thinking about my younger self, who was unaware of himself and the world, I went through a lot of sh*t just because I thought that that was part of being a feminine guy who is not really attracted to other gay guys. I live in a kinda small city, not thaaaat small, but conservative, also, I'm from México, which is a very "macho country". In my experience, I can tell that men, masculine men, straight or gay (but in this case I want to reffer specifically to straight men), are attracted to femininity, regardless of the gender. I think a lot of feminine gays can relate to this: we usually don't get to be an instant crush for men, we "slowly grow in their hearts", like, they start noticing our beauty with time. And I'm not saying this can happen with ALL men, but, well, with a lot. The problem is that most of these men don't want to loose the privileges of being straight nor want to deal with the constant harassment of homophobes, also, they get conflictuated when they find that they are attracted or in love with another man because, you know, #society. In this cases, oh, they tend to become very manipulative, "you have to understand", and understanding means that you'll have to deal with them fcking girls, even having girlrfriends and falling in love with them at the same time that they're in love with you. The similarities I find with the guys that you are describing and the ones that I, is that they spot some "fragility" and they act based on it to convince you that there are no other men like them, they promise you that one day they'll be brave enough to love you publicly, but for now, "you have to understand". And when a gay guy is young and have no other gay guys around him to give him advice, oh, it's hard to not start thinking that the man you love is doing you a favor by being with you, and that no other "real man" will see your beauty because men only like girls but for some "magical reason" you are the only guy he has been into. Also, like in straight relationships, these men tend to date younger gays. And, because "you have to understand", they start telling you how to act in public, then how to FEEL in private, in the end they convince you to forgive everything because they just don't want their friends, family, coworkers, neighbours, not even strangers, notice that they're in love with another man. And you, the one that understands, in order to protect your love, allow him to "fake" in front of everybody. Oh, I wish I knew they were faking it for me, hahaha. Now that I'm older, sincerely, I just play them. I can fall in love if I see they're in love, but I just don't buy their shit anymore (which has made me benig perceived as a bitch, but, well, it doesn't matter). Thanks for sharing your knowledge and experiences. This is the first time I leave a coment, but I started watching your content like three years ago. You are a great observer of human behavoir, and I'm sure you are helping a lot of people by giving them light and guidance.

@alisonmercer5946

Ай бұрын

Interesting! Please keep being a bitch If u keep seeing them at all

Had this with my ex who put me through narcissistic abuse. He loved to tell people he looked after his autistic girlfriend, but then behind closed doors he was pure evil to me mostly about my symptoms. I am still healing from the hurt he caused.

@moonfire41

Ай бұрын

Seeing the Boogie2988 videos with his girlfriend who is ,30 years younger than him, I see the same behavior. I hate how in the last one he calls her a hippy because she likes to garden and treats her like a dumb child. He's always talking over her and she does all the work at his house. I hope she grows a spine and knows she can do better before it gets worse

@crypticnix690

Ай бұрын

Im extremely sorry for how this might come across, I just wanted to inform you that the term “narcissist abuse” is linking his disorder to his abuse not linking his personhood to his abuse. I truely hope you can heal from the abuse cause by this person and that you know you are worthy of a healthy relationship. I also hope you don’t take my comment as rude or disrespectful, I just want to inform you.

@XOChristianaNicole

Ай бұрын

This was my mother, when she became my “caretaker,” when I fell severely ill. She denies that she ever was my “caretaker,” though - the hospital wouldn’t even release me, unless I, specifically, had one. I didn’t even know this, I was so ill. She’s the one I heard say it, in the first place. I had to tell her to stop posting about me, on social media, when I’d see the reaction to the likes and comments, she’d get. I survived a near decade of Munchhausen’s by Proxy (in my opinion), while bedridden/housebound. I knew what it was, well before Gypsy Rose became trendy. I’ll always believe she wanted me dead.

@XOChristianaNicole

Ай бұрын

@@crypticnix690- With all due respect, no. I understand where you are coming from, however, “narcissistic abuse” is very specific. I was largely raised by someone, with diagnosed narcissistic personality disorder; as well as raised in a family with many people who exhibit the same behaviors, who are undiagnosed. However, the patterns are undeniable - and textbook. I have BPD, amongst other mental disorders, as result. When I look on the abusive way I was, to my first boyfriend, because I wasn’t able to get my needs met and didn’t know how to navigate being in a romantic relationship, for the first time, due to my upbringing - it is, quite obviously, the type of abuse that would come from someone with BPD. When someone is sharing their story, it can be supportive to those being shared with, to m know what kind of abuse a person went through - to better convey their experience; because, again, this type of treatment is very, very specific. Does that define the abusive person, ultimately, as a bad person? Well, that’s a nuanced topic - and why these disorders fall on a spectrum. I relate to OP - and have survived gruesome and horrific “narcissistic abuse,” from the person who was suppose to love and nurture me, above all else. I knew it was, specifically, “narcissistic abuse” - before I ever even knew that there was diagnosed NPD, in my immediate family. Knowing it’s that type of abuse is what is necessary for people to be able learn about it, and navigate through it - so they can understand their only chance of survival, is to release any hope it’ll ever get better or work it out, and to escaped. If a person who exhibits that type of abuse is willing to developed self-awareness, and become better - well.. Sure, some people with NPD, absolutely, are able to do so. Though, it is imperative for the person on the receiving end to understand that though a person, such as that, may seem they are willing to humble themselves - more often, than not.. It’s a trap. Again, this is very specific type of abuse - and it’s not dependent, on One’s “personhood.” I was bedridden/housebound, for a near decade - all due to health issues that were a result of a severe life-long hormonal imbalance, result of excessive long-term exposure to cortisol and adrenaline. My symptoms started, before the age of 6. My mother use to wake me up, for school - my ripping the covers off, and screaming/scaring me. The moment I started to looked forward to it - she stopped. So, she would always honk at me, when I’d walk in front of the car. And this was her, being “playful.” People can be abusive - and not have it be life-threatening, to the other. However, “narcissistic abuse,” absolutely, has the power to end lives. And people need to understand that. Regardless of One’s “personhood.”

I’d never heard of the term “future faking” until watching this video… & woah. A chill ran down my spine. I met a guy who was 10 years older than me a few years back & after just over a month of texting (he lived overseas) he sent me a photo of a wife + husband with their child where he’d literally put our names over those people’s faces & wrote “this could be us”. That then progressed along into “you’re the kind of woman I’d want to have children with” & chatter about what my married name would be. So creepy. I’m out of that situation now, but, deeply traumatised.

Never heard of the term "future faking" before. But my mother used to do that to my first girlfriend fairly early on in the relationship by saying stuff like "when you guys move in together I can sew the curtains for your place". Mom scared the expletive out of her by doing that - and ruined her reputation with the girl completely in the process, and then found it hard to understand why the girl did not want anything to do with her. Well, boundaries. That's why.

@verkanntoderverwunschen

Ай бұрын

it's wild to me when my family members do this, it always has this stabby sensation to it for me because of that false pretense of considering what you may want but usually being so far off that it actually displays how little they understand my intricacies oof i try to brush it off but odd behavior! (when it's like a really bad read??) that weird tertiary party thing makes it even stranger of a mechanism to me why that investment in such a false sense of a future that only affects them on a margin, it's not the life they'd lead? maybe it's a misguided attempt to live vicariously?

@nussknacker9827

Ай бұрын

I don't understand what's bad about your mom sewing curtains. Can you please explain? I'm sure you have a good reason to being upset

@EricB256

Ай бұрын

@@nussknacker9827 No, it's not the sewing but boundaries are crossed because this offer came far too soon into the relationship and my first girlfriend did not want to be obliged to accept the offer. She prefers to keep her freedom of choice until she makes a choice and not let somebody else make plans about her future.

@alisonmercer5946

Ай бұрын

​@@nussknacker9827 o think it's the assumption of the new girlfriends future being married it's not the curtains

@capricioushelen

Ай бұрын

so to me there are a couple of things that would concern me about this! the first part is this assumption that this very early relationship is going to be long-term to the point of moving in together, which can be quite a lot of pressure to put on a brand new relationship. the thought of moving that quickly or taking those steps with a partner you don't know that well yet can be intimidating and off-putting. and then there's also the implication that the mother might be overly involved. to me "well of course i'll make the curtains for your place" would be setting off alarm bells because well, first of all we're nowhere near close to moving in together, BUT if and when we do, I want to pick my own curtains, thank you! If the girlfriend saw that the mother had made curtains and said "oh I like those" and THEN the mother offered to make her some, that would be different, but just assuming she would get to make decisions about someone else's future home decor for them, especially when she presumably didn't know the gf well enough to take her personal taste into account... if it were me, it would plant a seed of worry in my brain that she might be a bit pushy and might expect to have her way about other aspects of the home and relationship. And then there's also the worry of "oh god, am I going to offend her if I don't agree to hang up these curtains I didn't ask for and that I might hate, and how am I going to deal with that..." No offence to the OP's mother of course, I'm sure she's not like that and didn't mean it in a bad way at all, but that's where my anxious brain would be going if I was the gf haha

Dropping in the lie tests is such a good tip! I know boundaries is a hot topic these days but I didn’t realise that seeing how someone reacts to you setting boundaries is a great indicator of their intentions. Get comfortable with respectfully telling them “no” or “sorry can’t, I’m busy this weekend”. What kind of relationship is it if you feel you always have to say yes and mould your life to suit theirs? boundaries really help to weed out the bad ones. Also if they’re making you feel confused/worried/on edge- bad sign. Make sure you let them speak and ask them good questions, listen to everything they tell you about themselves, they actually tell on themselves quite quickly, if you keep your wits about you. I used to get caught up in talking too much cause I felt I had to prove to them that I was good enough. When they should be proving themselves to you. Also look up limerence, if you feel like you have a school girl crush on someone you barely actually know and you’re filling in all the blanks with fantasies; just know you can’t fancy someone you barely know.

Off topic, but your makeup looks AMAZING! I'm in loveee

@letsparchmentitupyo7566

Ай бұрын

and their hair!!! in love looks incredi !

This video is so important, it made me realize for the first time just how many guys like this I've run into. I'm a 20 year old fem goth with a history of mental illness, zero relationship experience, and a generally "offputting but endearing" vibe (exact words people have used to describe me lmao). Obviously I've always kinda known I'd attract people like this, but I also tend to be a bit oblivious about the difference between flirting and regular conversations, and this brought back memories of so many interactions I thought were completely normal at the time but are absolutely filled with red flags in hindsight. Being hit on more often and way more forcefully when my sh scars are visible, really weird assumptions about my past made out of the blue for seemingly no reason, intrusive personal questions at inappropriate times, etc. Nothing more than brief almost-friendships have happened with any of them, but it's scary to realize how many instances there have been and how blind to them I apparently am.

As someone prone to dating people with savior complexs, as well as having a bit of myself one of the most reliable green-flags in regards to a savior complex is if genuine desire and effort to help is present in other long term relationships especially friends and family (also if they listen when told to give something space)

Just wanted to drop a resource/reading recommendation, Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft is free online (and summarized on youtube) and extremely helpful in identifying these people. Savior complex is always a red flag to me; most of the violent abusers I've known had this to some extent. Men who think this way are buying into toxic masculinity and are often extremely controlling because they think they're justified.

24:55 Literally everyone, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS. I don’t necessarily agree that ‘narcissistic abuse’ should be considered a different category to other forms of psychological abuse, but there are absolutely patterns that come with NPD I think everyone who sees this should learn to recognise. I’m kind of lucky as I got out of a retrospectively horrific situation by triggering a split before it got too bad. But I ignored all the blatant warning signs, the age gap, the people saying I was getting groomed etc. all because the feeling was so intense I couldn’t stop to question it. I’m just so glad it never got beyond a long distance internet thing, I shudder to think about how serious it could have been if it had ever become physical.

@calamity0.o

Ай бұрын

Triggering a split? Like getting the guy to leave you by becoming disgusting? Or did I do it wrong?

@goblindude4242

Ай бұрын

@@calamity0.o (Edited bc it was way too much info and I’m paranoid. Oops.) I guess I’d recommend just doing whatever pisses them off, like if you’ve seen the pattern of them turning on/cutting off people close to them you’ll maybe be able to get some pointers by what those people did. If you piss them off too bad they will retaliate but I didn’t speak out about the full situation so I just got threats. If they’ve made their friends basically your only friends too, be prepared to get cut off by everyone. They will make up and twist anything to strip you of your social security. Just try to make them sick of you, I guess? Without getting so on their bad side they’ll want to retaliate. I’m sorry if that’s not super helpful. Basically, make them think it’s their idea. And if you’re going to try to mess with them back at all then make sure they won’t be able to find out. With NPD people tend to ‘split’ on people, similar to BPD. It’s like you go from extreme obsession to anger and hate towards the person and it can be triggered by anything really, depending on the situation. It’s a very black and white thinking type thing.

@crypticnix690

Ай бұрын

I think the “patterns that come with NPD” is just the symptoms but not the cause of the disorder. Along with not linking ‘narc abuse’ with a different type of abuse, people should also consider that there is a disorder and then there is personhood thats is affected by the disorder. Each person is responsible for their actions but not every person will have the resources or help themselves, which should be acknowledged.

@goblindude4242

Ай бұрын

@@crypticnix690 Yeah I agree. I guess I’d say the patterns are their reaction to the symptoms, not inherent and totally unavoidable/uncontrollable if work is done.

Another saviour complex sign is when they’re trying to get to the same hobby as you (when you don’t get any vibe they’re genuinely interested in trying that hobby). So for example I am in to running and he would suggest buying a treadmill which he would run on for 15 minutes, I then run on it for 15 minutes then we both work off calories in bed. I was instantly turned off because I don’t like people who have no experience with running chime in. I hate running on a treadmill and trail run instead. He never ever expressed genuine interest in my hobbies.

@moonfire41

Ай бұрын

That's so frustrating. There's no comparison to running outside. You're just a hamster on a wheel on a treadmill. I prefer outside myself. Plus you get fresh air and it's good for your lungs.

@fawn2911

Ай бұрын

wdym by work off calories in bed? 😭

@em97c

Ай бұрын

Lmao I just know a guy that would suggest sex after a run is not interested in the run. Have you SMELLED me after a run, darling? And why do I get the feeling it's going to turn from him "just showing an interest" in your hobby to him rushing you through your hobby or trying to convince you to skip it altogether so he can get down to business.

@user-vy8mn2vk3f

Ай бұрын

@@fawn2911 yeah which I can tell would be a lot less longer than the 15 min treadmill

@user-vy8mn2vk3f

Ай бұрын

@@em97c that’s an interesting point. It’s like he was controlling and being a slimeball at the same time.

As someone who does fit the demographic you speak of, I have found more issues within friends, particularly best friend dynamics. Old friends who started as charming acquaintances, turned into isolating me from people who mattered, being stripped of every bit of time and resource they could get!! I’ve tried mirroring these traits unconsciously myself and only found more hurt than I could imagine, so I have empathy on both sides However, I have seen change from the most unlikely of people, I always felt good in all of their hearts and I see some authenticity HAVING to coexist, especially as these were long-term I still miss them and wish them the best, from what I’ve heard I’m unsure whether they changed for good or not, My point is, I have recently learned that empathy is a teachable skill that you can practice, which tells me it still takes effort for people to lose it too regardless of trauma they have, If something feels off, it probably is Thats my advice!

This hairstyle suits you so well Dorian!

just to maybe add a little to the conversation; i've found that it's not only saviour complex guys in 'helping' professions but also intellectual types, like high up in academia, who love a fragile partner. i think with them it's less of a saviour thing and more about control and power in most cases (there's also the awkward insecure or neurodivergent types, but that's a minority in my experience). it's a strong pattern in my life, i can't be the only one

@cp_honey

Ай бұрын

I've met this type too. I guess it's still the general theme of feeling entitled to have power over others, but all the good that can come from intelligence can mask it very nicely. And the more brain cells they got the more they will use against you, all too often.

“anything around them with a skirt” LOL. i’m an 18 yr old girl who is quite neurodivergent and i wish i had this video around a year ago, haha. thank you for this video Dorian, we love you!!

I love Dorian's content because it's so specific & nuanced. As a female underweight autistic, I have absolutely experienced this in a very toxic way. I have quirks & complicated needs certainly, & it's like "normal" people want to train them out of me. But I'm autistic, not a dog, & it just forces me to mask harder. I feel like men have an easier time controlling us because we genuinely do need more help. This is why physically disabled women experience such higher rates of abuse & domestic abuse. Plus, should you come to rely on them for help - they then can begin playing games & withholding resources that nobody else really sees as wrong or abnormal. They can tend to take on tasks one really cannot do & then withhold help as a "punishment" to modify behavior. They make you need them more. When someone knows you need them; a lot of them will use that against you in awful ways that are hard to explain. The autistic or sickly person amplifies the savior complex by having actual needs that an abled person wouldn't. *works on insecurity white lie*

I’m like two minutes into the video but DUDE this look is sick. The hair? The lip? The lashes??? 🔥🔥🔥 Edit: oh man. I’ve gotten into the video now and realized an old girlfriend definitely did this type of thing to me. It was the future faking part that made me remember how she had us planning how and when I’d move out of my parents’ house and fly to live with her, less than a month into talking. So…not just guys have this type of complex.

And friends can be like that too. I have a narc best friend and I'm trying to help her and she tries to help me. But it's rough sometimes when her life becomes a bit harder or she gains a bit more social power of financial stability our balanced, tailored relationship go to shit. Anyway, when we first met she was determined to be my savior, she tried to teach me how to stand my ground, how to lie, how to manipulate, she always told me I was like her pet. She found me amusing I guess

@letsparchmentitupyo7566

Ай бұрын

i dont think youre in a position to really help your best friend if they are a narcissist. a long time of professional, tailored, comprehensive help for them is realistically the only stepping stone into them getting 'better'. at the end of the day it presents as a very manipulative mental health disorder and they are only going to continue to use you and make you feel like shit, even if you feel it is 'balanced' sometimes. they'll always have to be in control i hope youre not spending too much mental energy and effort into trying to help this relationship. friendship breakups are the worst, so if you can maybe try and spend some time away from them and watch how they cope, just put yourself first. that sounds very exhausting and repetitive, i hope things get better for u!

Ooof, I had a brief run-in with a guy like this when I was 26. I got an unsettling vibe off of him from the jump but I was just starting to date men after exclusively dating women so I pushed it down and figured it was just me being nervous. The unsettled feeling never went away though and the more I look back on it it's pretty clear why (i'm 35 now). I think the first red flags were that he would like, over-the-top compliment me and tell me how amazing and talented I am constantly even though he hadn't really seen much of my artwork and didn't know really anything about me besides surface level stuff. When we finally met up in person I got the feeling that everything he said and did was super calculated. Like on the first date he talked to me like he was at a job interview rather than a date (for instance he immediately was like "I don't cheat and I'm on good terms with my exes" completely unprompted). He also just said a lot of things that didn't line up. I remember at one point I mentioned this goth DJ that used to live in our city and how I missed his sets and he was like "oh yeah I was super good friends with him and we used to DJ together". And then he made some comment about the guy being gay and making a passes at him all the time (he wasn't, and I highly doubt anyone would mistake him for being queer in any way). It was just weird. He ended up breaking things off with me because I have PCOS (that's a whole story in and of itself) so I dodged a massive bullet there. This comment is getting super long and rambly but long story short there were so many red flags it was ridiculous. Trust your gut if you feel unsettled with someone, especially if you can't shake that feeling

@Sedna_B

Ай бұрын

Never thought pcos of being a lucky charm instead of a curse aye. How sweetly judgemental of him to dump you for it. Lucky! (also eww, glad you got out).

Thank you so much for bringing this topic up cuz it is a thing !!! ….Not to mention the savior complex guys who mask as they are gonna help you then put you down for said disabilities later on while still having control of your life we had someone like that for 4 years he had control of my debit card cuz I couldn’t handle it he was my caretaker in the eyes of all doctors all therapist I was so attached cuz of my own mental health I couldn’t leave house without them and behind the scenes I’d get screamed at for my issues where I’d be in bed days at a time sick 🤒 and he’d never contribute to chores cuz that was my job as the disabled person he’d always say you need a nurse your screwed if something happens to me . And they get you so attached to them as caretaker where you can’t survive after the relationship. Our life is still a mess .

You look great with red hair

I think there is a difference between savior complex and the desire for helplessness. The SC man ranges from just being a magnet for partners who are imbalanced in their lives, whether they have any neurodivergence or diabilities or illnesses at all, who feel drawn to "saving" their partners, who feel drawn to their vulnerability to they can share vulnerabilities and then feel the need to be needed to stoke their protector/provider instincts. The dark side is feeling that they have no place with a person unless they overtly need them for extenuating reasons and are willing to destroy themnselves for toxic people. The dark side you're talking about seems to be an abuser who masquerades as a savior. Who even has a sick fixation on people who have problems that keep them in a tight spot.

@lowewulf9990

Ай бұрын

In other words, the SCM could be a co-dependent and then eventually become someone who enables lack of health for fear that they will lose any purpose in the world at all. Not just that they'll lose their partner. I rarely see a genuine need to be a savior (as unhealthy as that is) as a motivation to seek out people in a tight life spot and keep them in that spot and sabotage them brazenly and overtly. They are usually in need of power, not purpose.

I have a bit of a saviour complex. It was worse when I was younger. Um, I guess I want to be the hero. I want to save everyone I love, and literally every kid. I just don't want anyone to hurt the way I did. Yk?

@argonanarchy3820

Ай бұрын

I will say, I don't seek out people to save (anymore). For me it comes from trauma.

@Bildgesmythe

Ай бұрын

You were actually trying to help, that's different from controlling.

@Moon17ob

Ай бұрын

Am trying to get out of a relationship that was born out of that right now. Didn’t realize they have Bpd, didn’t realize that we are at vastly different places in life, the relationship has become so toxic. Have not had such bad anxiety since I was a little kid.

@argonanarchy3820

Ай бұрын

@@Moon17ob I have BPD. Treated my ex like shit. The worst part is I didn't realise how messed up it was. I thought love was supposed to be volatile. I can say, it's hard on both sides. We can really hurt people in our path to self destruction. I hope my ex knows I didn't mean to hurt them.

@Moon17ob

Ай бұрын

@@argonanarchy3820 oh I know they aren’t *trying* to hurt me, but there actions are ruining my life and mental health and there are no apologies, no sorry’s, just “it’s my trauma” which gets really frustrating after a while.

I missed you talking without a script. Just your words, your thoughts and your gesticulation. Love it!!

I never really comment, but holy sh*t this resinated with me so much! I wish someone had told me about narcissistic ab*se 17 years ago, I am stuck in a mentally and emotional ab*se codependent relationship with an older narcissistic man since I was 20, I was clearly fragile and socially awkward and looking back must have has a target on my back. I only figured out I'm neurodivergent 3 years ago, since discovering I have ASD (on a waiting list for official diagnosis) I have done a lot of self work, only to realise he was not accepting of my personal growth, light bulb stitched on moment, he has been ab*sing, controlling and moulding me for 17 years. He is not the person he portrays to the outside. I found the strength to end the relationship in January, but still have to share a house with him until I can be rehoused. I really do hope young people see this video and see the warning signs and red flags so they dont waste 17 years of their life like I have. Thank you, Dorian, for making this video.

They also love targeting people with past trauma, and one thing they do is go for girls like me who were very invulnerable and independent. I got the ones who liked a challenge. One even bragged about how much he enjoyed getting me to drop my walls and tough, independent exterior for him. Some like to do a bait-and-switch where once you are dependent in some way, they go from drinking a little too much some nights, to being full blown alcoholics within a month. My life was Leaving Las Vegas by 18, except I was a server and college student instead of an escort. This man swore he would take care of me. We met when I was 16 and involved in an accelerated program through the school where I could graduate a year early and have college credits ready. He saw how used to interacting with adults I was and how I was absolutely fine living on my own, on campus. As a reminder even the most mature minors are not the same as adults and if you honestly talk to a 16 year old and think they are in their 20s, they likely have a lot of trauma behind that. They still lack the life experience necessary to spot manipulation, so in some ways, the mature ones are the ones you have to watch. He said ‘you are the only kid in your program who isn’t scared. That tells me that nothing scares you because you saw much worse already. It’s unfair and you can let go of the facade around me.’ My god I wished I hadn’t believed him. He quickly went from grad student to non-functioning addict when I moved in with him. But he still had the car I would need to escape… until I snuck out for a road trip with a friend and bender came back. He was not the last or the worst. My husband is very different. We both started with saying ‘don’t get attached. I’m not looking for romance.’ We we’re both uninterested in being vulnerable and somehow that changed through time. It took me years to let everything out. He took a night to tell me his life story all at once to get it all out of the way, after we were already engaged. Both of us are more interested in being the support vs being supported. I think I would have already been unhealthily avoidant if I hadn’t dated s string of fucked up saviors in my late teens and early 20s, and I don’t know that everyone would have the same results finding another traumatized person who comes off as assertive and emotionally aloof. But for us it worked. We just both made this effort around the same time to actually form a real connection. But because we relate to a fear of vulnerability we had all the time we both needed. He is probably the only person who knows my whole life story that I don’t regret telling. He tells more of his shit than I do, but in a ‘oh shit I forgot that not everyone is an ex gang banger’ way. We don’t try and save each other but always offer support and help. The difference is we back down when the other says they are good. But it’s like being invited to a party when you don’t really want to go. The invite and chance to choose whether or not you accept or decline without judgment or pushback, really feels good.

As an autistic bi girl, I’m so glad I’ve never dated a savior complex guy. I’ve dated quite a few, and tbh anyone with a savior complex I dump kinda quickly. I think I look like I have my shit together (I work in tech + make decent money), so I’ve more often dated men who want me to save them. But I often don’t have the patience for them long term, and have learned to dump folks like that more quickly lately

My entire last relationship was like this and I didn't have friends to spend time with outside of this relationship. I was in my late 20s

I just avoid them like plague. I don't think I can make myself trust any man at this point

Thank you so much for exploring this conversation with your audience! It holds such immense value, especially for those with a younger or more alternative mindset. When I think back on my own experiences dealing with the type of males in question, I believe this topic is intertwined with the dangerous realm of human trafficking. It's a grim reality where sketchy individuals prey upon the vulnerable, particularly the neurodivergent youth. For those undiagnosed or lacking proper medication, it can spiral into deeply traumatic situations, either breaking one's spirit or forging an unyielding resilience. This duality can be both chilling and empowering... To those who find themselves in this precarious demographic, please have your guard up anytime someone 5-10 years older shows interest in you. It can lead you to difficult paths where only some emerge unscathed. It's important to remember that vulnerability is not synonymous with weakness; it's a testament to our strength. So, let's embrace it without shame. Sending all the positivity and lots of love to everyone here-stay vigilant and safe out there in the wild. ♡

@moonfire41

Ай бұрын

It doesn't help that there are so many misogynistic "male empowerment" videos encouraging old guys to go after young women because they are more "teachable" ::cue screeching cat scream::

Ive met a few Christian girls in highschool who gave off this vibe.

@trevorphillips9576

Ай бұрын

Most Christians will give off that vibe...men and women. They are trained to think they have to save everyone from some invisible force....and they constantly have a holier than thou mindset thinking they are the only ones in the whole world that know the truth of the universe. lol

I really think you're onto something about the narcissistic men. I think a lot of what you experienced in the most negative was narcissism and not savior complex. I think the "dark side" goes more into self destruction and co-dependence. They need to be needed to feel like they're filling a role.

I don’t fall into this category that attracts savior complex guys, but I have a friend who does (physically). She was in an on-and-off relationship with this one guy for years.. AND HE WAS SO MUCH MORE UNSTABLE THAN HER. Despite of her appearance, my friend is actually quite rational and jaded. So it was so funny tbh that he would act like he can save her.. while showing up on the street in front of her apartment CRYING at night. Even I could never show that level of emotion to my friend - it’s like her personality is the antidote to all irrational behavior. Can’t imagine what was going on in his head- not much I imagine.

Yayyy sitting down to some lunch went to pick a KZread vid and WEHAYY dorian uploaded. As an autistic ed kid (20 now) so excited for this topic ❤

Nice makeup art.

@kiritalya2520

Ай бұрын

I agree, it looks exceptionally stunning here.

'She can fix me!' is as bad as 'I can fix her!'

Holyshit the eye makeup today is amazing

It’s scary in the dating world for ppl with an ed. Ppl who are underweight can get fetishised and ppl who aren’t can get told that their disorder isn’t that serious. It’s also scary to have ppl trying to “cure” you or forcing recov on you when you’re not ready. Through the years of me being disordered I have decided to just not actively look for a romantic relationship. I’m already stressed enough doing basically nothing and I don’t want to trouble someone with my unhealthy and disorderd problems. I really just want to actually know myself and find a healthy ground to stand on first.

Every point you’ve made has actually happened to me in real life. I’m a neurodivergent female for context.

This is genuinely such good advice for young people! My 1st relationship was very codependent and although very healthy and safe, when it ended I had no sense of my own identity because I had spent such a crucial part of my life (17-19) in a serious relationship that consumed every moment of my time. I didn’t really have hobbies or interests or anything aside from things my partner liked, etc. So keeping a strong hold on your independence and sense of identity when you’re in a relationship is super important. At any age, but especially when you’re younger.

You give great advice, Dorian. Just in case you were wondering about SA threats, in America, we just call the local police and ask them to carry out a welfare check.

when i first started dating, i was a "saviour complex guy" but have since grown out of it. this has helped me realise what specific things i need to change about my attitude before i can date again. i am neurodivergent and have been on both sides of the coin, and this has been a very cathartic watch for me. much love, can't wait to read your recent book!

This is interesting bc I tend to attract guys that are just as malfunctioning as me and then I have to step up and be the responsible adult. It actually makes me more confident lol I wished I could just get it done by myself, but everytime Im single my life just derails again 😭

I’d call this the difference between narcissistic abuse and codependency. Grandiose narcissists seem so charismatic and like they have it all together. I don’t think a vulnerable narcissist would be as likely to do this in a savior complex way, as their tendencies take on more of a “YOU need to save ME” kind of feel. Though they can definitely still be dangerous for neurospicies in unique ways. Codependency can seem sweet until it causes problems. All of the above is toxic, but I think a codependent pattern is the most redeemable. Codependents actually care, and usually over-caretake out of real anxiety. Once they understand the negatives of their behavior they usually work on it. Narcissists on the other hand just want to control. And you’re absolutely right about the neurodivergent experience here. We’re so much more likely to be victims of this, and it follows a slightly different script than your typical narc abuse pattern. I saw an autistic KZreadr talking about narcissists. Apparently, they can usually spot an autistic person because they’re hard to read, and this difficulty can trigger a need to dominate. Autistic people, on the other hand, often think narcissists are autistic too at first, which produces feelings of kinship. You can probably see how this could get REALLY toxic already-now add attraction in there, the situation becomes potentially dangerous. Also absolutely yes on calling the bluff. 100%. This kind of manipulation is not ok and it’s ridiculous they get away with it.

Does beg the question... What percentage of people between the age of 20-30 have their act together... Realistically for a permanent long lasting relationship?

My ex girlfriend was a very unstable 19 year old drug addict. By the end I basically just felt like her dad. Having to control a woman's life, see them make mistakes, worry about them, that shit is not romantic to me. That's fatherhood 😂

it's not just benevolence, it's vipers and snakes who just date for ego.

I wish this video was around when I was 15. Im glad its around now.

Ok I really like these tests but DO NOT LIE in dating. It starts off the relationship with a really bad energy. I will stop seeing guys if I notice a desire in myself to tell even little white lies. So while these are good tests, tell the truth. Don't give them a fake insecurity, give them a real insecurity you'd be ok with an arm's distance person knowing. Like one time someone called me "CJ" aftern figuring out my initials. Kinda cringe but whatevs. For the reason, you say "not tonight," it's "because I need some time to myself tonight." An appropriate guy worth dating will respect your needs.

@goblindude4242

Ай бұрын

I second this. I can see why Dorian suggested it as and I think it’s a good concept but there are for sure ways to do it without lying about personal details/extreme situations. It doesn’t set a good precedent and if a guy would only accept a no in a crisis situation it’s not good enough anyway. I get it’s a lot easier if you’re anxious and have a massive fawn response and that’s probably what Dorian was giving this advice for, but again, I still think there are better alternatives.

Seeing the video title and brewing a nice hot cup of tea for this one.

Hypothetical: but how do they react if you're getting better? Are they pleased or trying to make you more dependent?

Listen up kids, this is some solid advice.

I'm pretty sure my current boyfriend has a saviour complex, he's so lovely and shines so bright for me but he can't shine for himself. He wants to take care of me but he needs to take care himself first and plus I don't feel like I need help but he keeps trying which I appreciate but I get worried about him

Found out a year or 2 back a fair few of my autistic peers were abused by the same guy as me and I've been trying to reckon with that information for a while now. He definitely had a little of the savior "I'll protect you from people who pick on you" etc. Thank God for therapy. And memes, me and one of his other victims, formerly an aquaintance, now my friend and trauma sibling send eachother memes lol Even my former best friend used the "I'm helping you" to actually enable me into getting worse wiht my OCD. Done with that BS now thank god.

Dr Ramani here on youtube is a great channel to learn about narcissists and healing from abuse.

Oh my god that test is genius, my abusive ex used to jokingly mock me for my full name often, even when i told him very seriously i was really sensitive about it and wished he'd stop, that really should've been my first sign to run!

It's so helpful to have stuff like this spelled out clearly

dorian, i know you get these comments all the time, but your videos hit in a way most others don't. i've been massively struggling with my social life as someone who's visibly "damaged" since it attracts these savior types, and more frequently, the trauma dumpers. it's incredibly hard for me to set boundaries, and as a consequence, very many people in the past couple years have taken advantage of the fact that i won't say 'no' or tell them i'm uncomfortable with what their discussing. this video actually, genuinely helped a lot. it made me aware of certian red flags i didn't even know were red flags, and helped me examine my own actions and thoughts. you always seem to be so real with your audience, especially when it comes to things you discuss. we all really appreciate you and your content. please stay safe and take care of yourself.

If you feel the need to test someone and lie to them, leave them. Testing someone is just as effed up as what savior complex people do.

Thought provoking! I've been on the receiving end of the the negative saviour, aka abuser, still rebuilding years later. A saviour can quickly become a jailer. Im a single mom now and find this is another demographic that attracts the saviour type.

Honestly, what you said at 17:10 was spot on and is largely why I struggle to differentiate friendliness and kindness / genuine interest, from flirting or lovebombing. When people are genuinely interested I now even get a sense of aprehension and suspicion, because it's like playing a game of minesweeper trying to understand if they're genuine or just being manipulative.

I love that you point this out! Ive been observing this by myself and people around me, but never could talk or think about it openly in details like you are doing right now! I feel heard and seen in a weird way

(Just popping by to say your makeup is making me unreasonably happy it's just perfect omg)

Very insightful! Many parallels to my own life and you described my experience perfectly. Thank you for saying this ❤ I think a lot of people can benefit.

FINALLY!!!!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS VIDEO FOR AGES

i really appreciate you including the bit about unstable non-savior complex guys who get codependent and turn you into their free therapist. I’ve never been involved with a savior complex guy, but those codependent self-defeating manipulative unstable guys are drawn to me like a moth to a flame istg. the amount of free therapy i was able to dish out and the amount of horrifically depressing rants with graphic pictures i got from people when i was a child was superhuman. these guys have NO filter, NO sense of what other people can handle hearing, and NO interest in real therapy or bettering themselves at alllll, and they are DANGEROUS. it’s incredibly hard to break out of that kind of “relationship” because they convince you that if you don’t talk them down all night long, every night, forever, they’re going to off themselves, even if you’re a child online. and they spin those conversations into se-ualizing you so goddamn fast. and they start planning to meet up with you in person so goddamn fast. i’m terrified at the amount of kids online lately who don’t understand cyber safety at all and constantly announce their ages for no reason in comments. don’t do this. not in comments, not in game lobbies, not in your bio. predators can find your social media from any corner of the internet and they can convince you that you’re in love with each other and if that happens, it can lead to some of the worst years of your life if it doesn’t end it completely so yea i’m really glad this is talked about here. if you get caught in this kind of situation, call their bluff, call an ambulance to their house if you can (but GOOD GOD please don’t give people your address online), and wash your hands of them.

I love your colour-changing earphones! Where did you get them?

ugh how i wish i had seen this video at 14

I love listening to you waffle so much. Would totally listen to a podcast of yours

this is really solid , great advice! Thanks for sharing. I know people are benefitting from this :)

The colored lashes look amazing in this video!

Two years ago, I had a friend with a saviour complex, but the moment I actually started obsessing over him since I’m prone to such behaviours, he freaked out and ran

What I find with those negative types often do not want their gfs/bfs/partners for **them** especially if they are chronically ill/disabled and neurodivergent. To rescue or fix someone is their martyrdom, their so called sacrifice to put up with but also a way to satisify what they are missing, something they can pride themselves on while also being able to exercise their control. He was obssessed with my illness, reminding me of my limitations daily which was not fun. My ex wanted to work in the medical field which was a terrifying prospect considering how bad his emotional dysregulation was and demanding he was. As well as mocking my stutter and tendency to mistake one word for the other. He was constrictive, smothering but strangely hollow. It was not *me* he wanted. As painful and stressful as it was, it really did not feel personal. It was a way to reassure himself he was a good person because he could put up a chronically, neurodivergent partner. He could not remember the food I liked or what music I loved but knew all too well how to trigger my seizures and remind me of how sick I looked and how shitty I looked. Be very careful how someone makes you feel. Not always what they say, but how you react to how and what they say. Trust your gut feelings! Also be mindful of compliments which can be regarded as blanket compliments or applicable to everyone. And shiny gifts which make you feel pressured! A big tip to look out for is how they process their mistakes. From the little mistakes to the larger, more impactful ones, watch how they regulate their emotions. From failing an exam, messing up at work, forgetting something, being late and further. If they continously blame everything bar themselves, or if they blame themselves in a way which does not hold them accountable for their decisions, run for the hills. Fatalism regarding mistakes just sidesteps responsibility. Run faster if their apologies sound all the same like 'I am sorry I'm so annoying/pushy/demanding/intense/etc. etc but' JUST RUN! Apologies without progress is just manipulation. Also make sure the boundaries and consent they preach is not something they solely benefit from. A big red flag I have is if your conversations with others become something held over your head. Mutual friends, old friends, whatever type of acquantainces. One time, I was accusing of cheating because I made a Star Wars jokes with a mutual male friend that my ex didn't get and called 'sensual.' SENSUAL over a Jar Jar Binks impression LMAO. Be very careful if your situationship/relationship consists of having to reassure them constantly that you do like them, you do not secretly despise them and you haven't cheated. The projections of their paranoias of this are so draining emotionally and can cause resentment to build up.

Dorian your videos genuinely brighten my day. Thank you

I agree with everything you’ve said here - and I think you’re brave to say it publicly as well!

Great subject, i’m just in the midst of deciding about one guy who has saviour complex and i’m not really sure about him so thanks it was really helpfull!!

i'm glad you're discussing savior types where it comes from a less sinister place! I don't think it bodes well for a healthy relationship either way. but there are definitely guys who became a fixer in an unstable family at a young age and that's their unhealthy but unselfish idea of relationships that he keeps seeking out and replaying. say he had a mentally or physically ill mother and fell victim to emotional enmeshment & parentification. this happens often without realizing it, a child is so distraught to see a parent in pain that they will often try to intervene and if the parent is too ill to know better they may just thank the kid for being so loving and not discourage it. it's similar to emotional incest where a mom puts all her emotional needs on a son, but a less intentional version where a young boy sees his mom is sad, this makes him anxious so he cheers her up, and this becomes their pattern unconsciously. in this case, he probably feels actually very sad to see you hurting and compelled to be there as a rock like he was for his mom. again this is really not healthy but it's not a predator prey thing either.

What a wonderful video man ❤ thanks Dorian, this is actually so helpful!!!

I was so called out in this video! I'm a neurodivergent human who is mentally and physically disabled. 2 of my 3 big relationships have involved saviour complex to different extents: Bad ex: groom3d me on the Internet and swooped in to "save" me after I had been forcibly impregnated a few weeks after meeting him. Abused me in private and supported me and my issues in public, so people thought he was the best guy ever. Good partner: they support me but I also support them as they are neurodivergent. They handle the physical that I can't do by myself. Before we got together in a serious way they had a talk with a friend about whether or not he was prepared for what the very many years to come would mean for me and for us if we got together (my physical disability is degenerative). I thought this was such a vital part of being with someone with a disability and he did decide yes.

I'm glad to finally learn what "future faking" is. Someone tried using it on me when I (as someone atrocious at distinguishing friendly conversation and flirting as an autistic person) specially said, "Hey, just in case you think this is a date or that I'm flirting with / into you, I'm not and am very content in my relationship respectfully" (I was showing him around town at my sister's request because she didn't want her friend to be lonely or a third wheel while she and her partner went and did stuff as a couple). They did not respect my boundaries and just kept pushing that he could do better than my partner and claiming he'll take me on holiday to France one day, etc. He didn't let up no matter how much I restated my boundaries.

When I was in group therapy, I was put onto a really awesome term: interdependent. It’s basically the healthy version of what young kids mean when they say they “prefer” codependent relationships. You have the closeness, the passion, the teamwork that you crave, as well as sharing traumas and recovery journeys, but you never control each other nor allow yourselves to become dysfunctional without the other.

Excellent advice, as always!

love these, like goth community work, looking after the young ones haha

I have that little pearl necklace too!! Youre inspiring me to wear it because you look so gorgeous ❤❤❤

you look so good! the makeup is amazing and the hair is super cute

I think one thing that's important to note in this whole discussion is that a lot of people don't actually know what is helpful vs harmful when it comes to being supportive to a neurodivergent partner, even when they themselves are neurodivergent. Like, I've experienced abusive relationships with an I Can Save Her element, particularly when I was younger, and this covers just about everything I can think of about them. But in regards to kind people that you gel with who, often due to trauma, have a strong need to feel needed, my biggest problem has been that their desire to be there for me can be maladaptive, because they see distress and want to get in there and fix it immediately or they feel like they aren't useful/valuable. Which can then become a thing where it's like oh I'm hungry it's time for my partner to feed me because that's what he always does, and now come to think of it I don't actually remember how to make food for myself anymore. Like, I end up in relationships with people who like to feel helpful, but that can lend itself to me relying on them too much AND it can make them feel despair when it comes to the reality that I'm just always going to be fucked up and sad no matter what they do, and that's not their fault or mine.

OMG yes i have been waiting for this one!

The Concrete Confessional addiction blog guy just released an interesting piece about content creators in recovery. He's also got trip reports about fent, LSD, xylazine, and a bunch of other substances - reminds me of this channel except in written form. Def worth checking out, IMO

I'd be traumatized too if they'd call me Gertrude XD