I'm very old. I went from anorexia to over spending, then to booze I avoided drugs because I knew I wouldn't stop. I've never stopped smoking. Yet, here I am, very old and life is wonderful. The pain is excruciating but the good is worth waiting for. My only words of wisdom, get a pet. I prefer dogs, cats, rats, and reptiles to most humans.

@sezi9plays

11 ай бұрын

Rats are great pets, they are intelligent, affectionate, funny and they helped me get through school during a hard time when I didn't have friends. Dorian would look so cool with rats on his shoulders during a video.

@raversfantasy

11 ай бұрын

This gives me some hope as a 23 y/o 🫶 I have an elderly bunny who’s my world and a lovely husband who keeps me going. (:

@carlc3642

11 ай бұрын

aw rat appreciation❤

@zulemazahir666

11 ай бұрын

I have a million spiders and two full time job belgian malinois. They definitely help me to take care of myself and care more, in order to be well enough to care for them.

@JanesBalalo

11 ай бұрын

❤

I remember getting drunk on Dry London Gin one random summer day when I was 15. I cleaned my room, organized my closet, repotted my nearly dying plants and wrote 8 pages in my A4 diary, filled them with ideas and introspections and more ideas. I felt completely new. The weight of masking (which I wasn't aware was a thing) and anxiety about the perfectionism i must always subject anything I do to... was just gone. Everything gone. I was light and functioning automatically, nothing needed to be a manual action. I was normal. The morning after I cried so much when I sobered up, realizing I wasn't cured of the wrong I always felt I had within me, I needed something like that Gin to function. I was heavy again. Yet the sadness of this new realization never went away.

@Jack_Flapper

10 ай бұрын

This is nearly identical to my own first experience with alcohol (also gin lol). My room was spotless and I washed all the dishes I could find in the house. Your last few sentences are beautifully worded and insanely relatable. 🤘💕

@PrevntBuddha

10 ай бұрын

Exactly the same with me

@vessagroker98

10 ай бұрын

Wow, I’m a messy person, always been. I’m not an alcoholic, but when it’s really bad and I have to clean the whole house, I drink a whiskey and turn on music and clean everything in really good mood and really good… I thought I was the only one…

@dualitarian

10 ай бұрын

@@Jack_Flapper Thank u 🥲💖

@puppperoni

10 ай бұрын

Thank you for wording this so brilliantly. Once I had access to benzos (pretty much alcohol in pill form) during 19 to early 20s , I was able to drive, go back to school, leave the house, and get a job just like all the other "normal" people my age. Nothing was a manual action, like you said. I started living the life I thought I was supposed to, and with relative ease like I imagine people who are neurotypical experience. In fact, I was thriving. I also thought I was the only one. Not using substances to get "high" but to just function.

Since I was a child I tried explaining to my mom that cleaning my messy room doesn’t make me feel better, that doing “mindless” manual work (gardening, housework) isn’t relaxing to me, but actually makes me even more drained

@Johnny_T779

11 ай бұрын

THIS!

@Beemmeupz

11 ай бұрын

That’s most people

@littlecreepycat

11 ай бұрын

i have this exact same issue, youre not alone bud

@cyndoherty563

11 ай бұрын

Yes and no. Most people get a small, random hit of dopamine at such things. Most people aren't like "wow, that feels so good to clean my room" but sometimes when they feel they've been particularly successful at the task or are just in a certain mood, they get that pride and sense of accomplishment and accompanying dopamine. This comes from a Huberman podcast, so think of that what you will, but a random hit of dopamine is actually more motivating than consistent dopamine. For neurotypicals, even if it doesn't feel good, they are motivated to do it by the possibility that it may feel good at some point, especially if they do the task often enough. For many neurodivergent people that hit never comes, and we need to understand and respect the devastating effects this has on motivation and simple desire to live life.@@Beemmeupz

@menace4607

11 ай бұрын

I had to learn that whilst cleaning my room, performing tasks like paying my bills etc, were incredibly draining, ultimately the amount of anxiety I got from NOT doing those things, and how annoyed I'd get when I'd trip over stuff in my messy room, far outweighed the discomfort and tiredness that I got from actually just doing the thing. I created routines and systems to help me complete tasks but grouping cleaning the kitchen in with feeding my dog, and stuff like that

Anybody else with ADHD hear the phrase “you’re just not trying hard enough” and suddenly get flashbacks to your parents and all of your teachers sitting at a table together staring you and questioning why your grades are so bad when they know how smart you are……..?

@monatravell

9 ай бұрын

yeeah

@kalynnoah2572

9 ай бұрын

100%

@happybatty5142

9 ай бұрын

well shit I thought that was a fever dream

@KrashyKharma

8 ай бұрын

😭😭😭yes

@SylumSolosEverything

7 ай бұрын

​@@happybatty5142it definitely felt like it, though...

I've dated a bunch of addicts despite not being one myself and the one thing they all had in common was parents who chronically swept everything (literally everything) under the rug. These are the sorts of people who are afraid to tell the truth to their own parents because they know they'll be cut out - it's bonkers.

@Creative_Toadstool

10 ай бұрын

100% true

@nonenone9892

10 ай бұрын

Precisely, denying your own truth bc of fear and shame is detrimental. Great insight. I usually despise generalizations based solely on one's limited life experience but seems you have great capacity to objectively observe.

@tishapatatoes9751

10 ай бұрын

This is the exact situation I'm in. My parents refused to even admit I had a drug problem for years until it became detrimental to them and then they just threatened to kick me out instead of doing anything

@april6620

10 ай бұрын

Wowzers. This is spot on. Thank you for sharing this observational insight.... and for the validation.

@XthepumpkinqueenxXx

10 ай бұрын

Eh, this isnt exactly true for me . Although in sure it's true for plenty of people, not all addicts are addicts bc of that. My parents were divorced so my dad was in & out of my life so he couldn't sweep everything under the rug. And of course he was a man (and an addict himself) so I wouldn't talk to him about any problems. Now hes dead so no talking to him. My mother got clean before she even got pregnant with me. She doesn't sweep everything under the rug she put me in therapy when they divorced when I was 5. I could talk to my mom about things but she can't fix them so what's the point? I have no one to talk to because my problems can't be fix. And now I've just become homeless bc i was living with my mom & she lost her job so got evicted. I haven't even been able to eat for 2 days. Anyways, sorry for my stupid rant I just needed to vent ig.

I got myself fully sober 8 years ago. My life is now very safe and secure and insulated. But i have also only left my house for personal pleasure twice. In 8 years. Every single day i still try and weigh up whether my life is worse now without substances. At least i used to be able to have friends and some fun. It's lonely and i am sad often. Also autistic and adhd super late diagnosis. I just felt like adding my voice to this discourse because it is a very important one. 🖤

@maryannscott5567

11 ай бұрын

I'm not sober yet but it is the goal. However I wouldn't be surprised if I have your exact life after years of sobriety because that's what it is now, even with my nightly wine. I'm 67.

@AetherIdol

11 ай бұрын

@@maryannscott5567 I hope for a wonderful outcome for you for the future. 🖤

@lionswims

11 ай бұрын

Hey, friend. I wish nothing but happiness, connection and better things for you. Doesn't mean much and certainly doesn't change anything, but I'm wishing all the same.

@sciencenotstigma9534

10 ай бұрын

Yes, it is! Thank you for speaking up for us!

@sciencenotstigma9534

10 ай бұрын

I did too and my life is just horrific. I’m grateful to be sober, but a lot of us never get a chance, no matter how much work we do. I’m glad that things are better for you! I’m not bitter toward anyone, especially not anyone who’s been through something so difficult. We all deserve better! ❤

When we live in a society / system full of broken people. At some point we have to look at maybe it's the system that's the problem, not the squeaky wheels.

@verdancyhime

11 ай бұрын

❤

@theatrerimbaud3672

11 ай бұрын

👏👏 This. You nailed it.

@hannahmitchell87

11 ай бұрын

A-fucking-men!

@intrusive-th0t

11 ай бұрын

Taking drugs to “function” isn’t treating the system as the problem though, it’s literally changing yourself to fit in with the system. If you want to address the system then stop taking drugs to make it easier to work harder/faster/longer hours. If you’re going to take drugs then take them to make yourself able to tolerate REFUSING to work

@Siobhan146

11 ай бұрын

@@intrusive-th0t I personally didn't speak about taking drugs in my comment. But there are a massive amount of people on drugs today . Both drugs approved and encouraged by the system and drugs that are looked down upon by the system. If we didn't live in a society that was so broken perhaps people wouldn't be on drugs. And you spoke of fixing the system I don't know if it is any fixing it at this point.

As someone with 0 non prescribed drug experience, even I find it painfully ironic that drug seeking behavior is demonized, but every therapist gauges mental health to a degree by one’s ability to plan for the future, and if you’re seeking solutions from pain, trauma, brain fog, chronic illness, suicidal ideations, lack of productivity, etc, and on top of that those solutions you are seeking are *legal* and medically supervised when everyone knows most people could find easier solutions elsewhere, to call that drug seeking behavior is actually disgusting. It’s life seeking behavior. No one deserves to be demonized for asking professionals for help with improving quality of life.

It's funny and also pretty tragic how many of us only recently discovered that we have ADHD/autism, after decades of struggling and with no answers as to why everything is so hard for us. Yours and other similar content creators' work have helped immensely during the darkest months before I was finally able to get medicated/treatment for my disabilities and the bulimia I had to use to cope. You are so intelligent and an excellent narrator.

@JanesBalalo

10 ай бұрын

♥️

@emschlef

10 ай бұрын

what gets me mad is that people think it's a "trend" when all we needed growing up and now is support. making accomodations has finally improved my life in a way that other mental health treatments haven't.

@pinkmoonrabbit2072

10 ай бұрын

@@emschlefpeople dismiss being trans as a trend too. these people fail to understand that people inside of a community spreading info and helping others find the answers they need does not erase that society in general is hostile to and hates us, and so little to no one would do this as a trend unless they vastly misunderstand the reality of it (like i knew i was trans for over a decade but still had constant denial, constant thoughts that it MUST be something else, and i realized that was just internalized transphobia. Because most trans people, are afraid of being trans even subconsciously. we have absorbed the ideas that we are delusional abominations who deserve violence. No one in their right mind sees this as some exciting game. i was looking for any reason to explain why i might not be trans because i KNEW deep down that being almost anything else was preferable to being trans. Thats what many transphobes just dont effing get.) i think it can be similar with being neurodivergent. Anyway, im so glad you found the answers and proper treatment you needed. There are some things that need to be acknowledged as they are before we can ever respond to them properly.

@haruhinoki-fe4zi

10 ай бұрын

What really pissed me of ,is women has been avoided from investigation from scratch. And for example thyroid disorders that has been for ever a mostly woman's condition, thyroid treatment hasn't change since last century , there's no investigation because women don't care

@scary5455

10 ай бұрын

@@emschlef but you don't need drugs

im so aware of how easy it would be for me to fall into addiction, so i try and keep myself busy and keep up with therapy. a routine has helped tons. i have autism, adhd, and cptsd which most days make living hard. i’d say the comparison is the hardest part. people always talk about standards of living that i cannot meet properly because of my issues. i forget to brush my teeth if im not leaving my house and when people say how disgusting that would be, it makes me feel horrible. i compare myself soooooo much to neurotypical people, to the point where these standards have affected me and my relationship. we as neurodivergent people are made to cater to everyone else while nobody does the same for us and the stress of that is very overwhelming. i just want to be happy and be seen as a human in society and still given a chance even if i don’t follow the same rules everyone else does. unfortunately, i find that when im under the influence i feel so much of my anxiety thats rooted in trauma with my neurodivergence and other things, just leaves my body. its so hard to work through all of it. i’m trying meditation instead which helps a lot.

@YTladytalkingagain

11 ай бұрын

you are right 💜

@nellfromhell7192

11 ай бұрын

i've had the gross kind of depression before (struggling to shower, brush my teeth, take crockery/leftovers down before they go rotten) and uh fuck those people. if you know you're trying your best, then they can take their bum ass opinion elsewhere

@bakugousboobs7680

11 ай бұрын

I get this so hard, my mom yells at me for not taking care of my basic hygiene and I just die inside when my friends go like “I can’t go without brushing me teeth” because I’m so so bad about it

@sammiewantha3942

10 ай бұрын

I feel the same way about weed. I really need to quit because it’s been affecting my health pretty horribly, but I don’t feel good unless I’m high. I have autism, adhd, and the worst of all for me is ocd. It ruins my daily routine and almost every happy moment I’m supposed to have, but when I’m high I’m don’t even have my obsessive debilitating thoughts. It’s really hard to pick which one will work best for me or if I should even bother stopping if it’s the only thing making me feel like myself again. :(

@nrgbunni.

10 ай бұрын

Maybe all us ND people should live on an island where we can be ourselves and don't have to try and meet the expectations neurological people do it would make us feel so much better, we can also make sure that everything is disability accessible. it would be a utopia but 1 can only dream.

I'm only 19 and am hitting with the autism+adhd+ocd combo and also have scleroderma. I'm homeless living in my car it's literally the most satisfying way I've lived so far. I'm not smoking weed everyday for the first time in 2 years and i actually am happy to be alive. We need alternative lifestyles to match our alternative brains but any relief we can get is made illegal

@Bildgesmythe

11 ай бұрын

Excellent point! Not everyone thrives in the same environment.

@marquistf1996

10 ай бұрын

So crazy because I always tell people when I was living in my car it was one of the funnest/happiest times of my life. Thank you for validating that experience. Edit I also have autism adhd and Cptsd

@chloe_skyyy

10 ай бұрын

I have autism, mh issues and chronic pain. I NEED weed to help me cope with those things and to function in social situations etc...I wish it was legal

@matthias5435

10 ай бұрын

@marquistf1996 it is so hard to get around the judgement for it! Like I'm just living why is everyone freaking out abt it?

I'm autistic and it's so hard to socialise and be myself and just enjoy life without alcohol. I'm glad that I've managed to let things be hard and stop drinking because my dad is an alcoholic and for a while my mum seemed concerned that i could end up like him.

@maggiel.6874

11 ай бұрын

its such a double edged sword. drinking helped me thru pretty unbearable circumstances in my life (close family deaths) as well as general depression and social anxiety, but when my drinking turned to alcoholism, my depression got significantly worse, but at that point the only way to cope was more alcohol. im 7 months alcohol sober now and its so much for the better. wishing u best of luck on ur journey & that u find a solution that works for u

@hiimnotreal

10 ай бұрын

it really is a double edged sword. like yay i’m not actively an alcoholic anymore but my social life is non-existent at this point. i’m completely isolated. 6 months sober and in a lot of ways my life is better, less chaotic health wise (both mentally and physically) but sometimes i wonder if the trade off’s really worth it

@tarahj478

10 ай бұрын

​@@hiimnotreal I feel/ have felt this way and I understand (generally) what you are saying. I hope you know you're not alone .💜

@whathappenedtoearth6495

10 ай бұрын

Congratulations in beating your need for alcohol to socialise etc. I've recently decided to never touch it again as it was just making me miserable, even though I was only drinking, say once a week. Sick of the hangovers and damage to my body/brain. I will miss it at times, but over all I'm glad that I've made the change. Best wishes for your future.

Even though you’re unhappy to be on this planet, many of us are happy that you are still here.

I’m glad you’re here Dorian. I have severe ADHD and GAD, along with depressive mood and EDNOS. Smoking weed has seriously changed my life and given me the mental calm to function and, even better, THRIVE. I still struggle, but I have a therapist who is amazing and between that and weed, life is so much better. Thank you for highlighting this overlooked nuance of substance use! I appreciate you so much and I’m so thankful I found your channel. Your content does so much for folks who haven’t felt seen, at least in my experience.

@ofherbsandaltars

11 ай бұрын

Aww, thank you!

@yawhatever00xx

11 ай бұрын

@@ofherbsandaltars ahh, the worst. A different strain, esp if it’s a shift from sativa to indica or vice versa, often resets my tolerance at least a little. Also, changing your method of consumption, like moving from vapes to flower or edibles (if your health allows) for a while, seems to do well to reset tolerance for me as well. Sometimes even using a different pipe but the same strain will do it! Policy keeps evolving in many places to be more inclusive for those who use substances as a coping mechanism, so hopefully we’ll see even bigger improvements in the years ahead!

@raversfantasy

11 ай бұрын

So glad it helped you! Unfortunately it helped me until it didn’t and did the opposite. Made me more paranoid/delusional and caused a full on psychotic episode where I was almost committed 🫠 wish it still helped me but at least I have more money left over ig hahaha

@amberrichards2778

11 ай бұрын

As a schizophrenic with cannabinoid hyperemesis syndrome, I'm glad that weed works for you. It worked wonders for me - until it didn't anymore. Now I have nicotine as my main crutch.

@breakfastattwilight

10 ай бұрын

I wish weed could be legal everywhere, because it's a great anxiolytic without the drowsiness that you get with SSRIs, benzos, and antihistamines. I have GAD and depression, and I used to be able to stay up late into the night being productive before I went on an SSRI. Now I cannot get through the day without at least a one hour-long nap, which is precious time wasted imo.

After failing my exams and dropping out of university (for which I wasn't prepared at all I was pretty much rushed into it by my abusive mother), I realized that being an adult and having to do adult things like finding a job was actually way harder than I expected. IT TURNS OUT THAT IF YOU HAVE ADHD THINGS ARE WAY HARDER IN GENERAL!!! I can't remember my appointments, I can't remember birthdays or numbers, learning things became even more tedious, and nobody is there to help you but yourself. I've been on amphetamines and ngl I was extremely shocked at how functioning I became from them. I learned blender in a month and started to do things I could have never done in even half a year. Is this how neurotypicals are??? What is wrong with me? It becomes increasingly clear how little the world cares for neurodivergent people and their problems. So all they do is throw pills at us in hopes that we fix ourselves. Wtf.

@dannyvalward1524

10 ай бұрын

Don't worry, it's not you, it's not neurodivergent people, it's just everyone. Nobody gives real sh*t about anyone besides themself. So be selfish, and try to get the best thing for you.

@Koronia047

10 ай бұрын

Yea no. Being selfish is how we got to where we are.

@dannyvalward1524

10 ай бұрын

@@Koronia047 You think altruism is the answer?

@FelonyArson

10 ай бұрын

​@@dannyvalward1524I think radical intersectionalism is the answer, let us. Turn suffering into solidarity and direct our rage at this system which makes our life harder

@spacebar9733

10 ай бұрын

​@@dannyvalward1524 there is a balance, not everything is an extreme jfc.

Really felt this one and I am terrified that my neurodivergent daughter will repeat my history. I'll do everything I can to help her navigate her world.

@Bluebooty

11 ай бұрын

Diagnose her early and get her on adhd medication

@jess.of.suburbia

10 ай бұрын

​@@Bluebooty on that path now, and I will keep pushing for it.

@dannyvalward1524

10 ай бұрын

​@@jess.of.suburbiaI have a mother who struggles with EVERYTHING in life and is clearly impaired with something. Probably ADHD as well. And I'm myself struggled with a lot of things, like unaliving attempts, anorexia, trouble with work and domestic violence. Mostly because teachers convienced me to not take my medication anymore, when I was a teenager. Still, that my mom took me to treatment and got my diagnosies early on helped me a ton. Without her I would still struggle with a false BPD diagnosies and blame myself for not getting better instead of searching for proper treatment of ADHD. I'm at least alive at 29, happily married, mostly healthy, not addicted but medicated, studying and financial safe. So please don't mind any set backs, I'm convinced you are doing a ton for your daughter! (And german, so please don't mind ly typos to much 😅)

@Bluebooty

10 ай бұрын

@@jess.of.suburbia if you get it diagnosed early she will have a very good chance at success. I was diagnosed early and i have VERY non addictive personality (as in, i have a bottle of xanax in my house and let it expire, i have done percocet and thought it was “just okay”, take adhd medication (methamphetamine) every day for the past 8 years and relish the days i don’t have to use it, don’t drink alcohol for months at a time) I do feel rewarded when i accomplish tasks, because i had an early intervention. A caring parent is the best thing she could possibly have. So if you’re doing what’s best for her she’s going to have a the best life possible.

It astounds me that some, if not most people in this world actually get rewarded by their brain via dopamine. And they have no idea how blessed they are... because they'll never have to suffer the other side... and if they do get some awful mental or physical illness later in life, that causes similar problems, they will STILL never understand the burden and destruction of suffering like this from birth.

@Bildgesmythe

11 ай бұрын

Some of the people I thought never suffered mental anguish, turned out to just have a talent to mask the despair.

@juniperfox1064

10 ай бұрын

Me too.

@Alexacake19

10 ай бұрын

@@Bildgesmythefeeling like this is one of the main reasons I'm antinatalist. I couldn't bear to unleash suffering on someone who didn't ask to be here. I wish I had the choice, because I definitely wouldve stayed in an ovary. Some people really are blessed to not know life like this.

@Jeremy-wp4yh

10 ай бұрын

​@@Alexacake19why not just be child-free? Why join a creepy cult that hates babies.

@editor4201

10 ай бұрын

@@Alexacake19 That only makes sense if you just assume that any child you bring into the world would necessarily suffer the same way you do and/or that there's never going to be any cure. Otherwise, it could be said you are depriving someone who, like most/many people, is able to be happy most of the time of the chance at happiness. Obviously it's your personal choice whether to have kids yourself, but I don't think a general philosophy of antinatalism follows from this position. Being childfree, sure. Antinatalism, not so much.

i love your videos so much Dorian, no matter what you're talking about it makes me feel less alone. you create the realest videos ive ever watched, and as a teen addict currently- we're still not taken seriously

@Cunthr

11 ай бұрын

If no one else is taking you seriously love, please make sure you are extra diligent when it comes to your safety, and the wellbeing of your body💛 be very kind to yourself. your feelings and perceptions are valid and you have all the right in the world to be here with everyone else existing and expressing yourself in the ways you wish to. Body grace with addiction can be the gift you give your teen self gives your adult self that 100% will mean the world many times over later in life. I wish I had been kinder on my body through my addiction- forgive a fool's investment, but plz do love all of yourself.

This hits not so much close to home, but missile through the front door 😅🙃 I’m a functional alcoholic/addict, only diagnosed with ADHD around 2 years ago. I honestly can’t cope without a crutch - booze, if not weed, otherwise anything I can get my grubby little mitts on. I see the same in my dad. I see the same ADHD/autistic traits in him. He’s been a smoker all his life, and doesn’t mind a bit of ‘the beer and the gear’ as he likes to say. An interesting analysis of the global drug survey one year I read, said a high percentage (sadly a statistic my substance-blunted neurones have forgotten!) of habitual cocaine users report using for increased concentration and motivation. I often wonder how much better drug treatment would be if ADHD/autism was screened for, or even if GPS looked for it! Love you man x

@ofherbsandaltars

11 ай бұрын

That is very interesting, re the coke stats and what would happen if they did catch ADHD/ASD young enough! I remember that of my exes and friends, only Matt was diagnosed with ADHD during our party era, and he wasn't medicated, as when he was diagnosed it was seen as a parental failing to medicate your kids, like you couldn't handle them any other way, so you had to dope them into submission - yet another one of those awful 80s-90s parenting cliches, like autistic kids coming from emotionally cold 'refrigerator mums', and too much TV causing ADHD - not a very enlightened age! I think the combo of knowing he had ADHD though, but not being medicated for it, was actually worse than me straight up not knowing - he'd often justify his speed use as 'I need this to focus, it slows me down', when in actuality, the amounts we were doing made him every bit as twitchy, impatient and mischievous as everyone else, but it meant he could always pull out the 'ah, but I actually NEED this last bit' Justification Card, which I don't think was helpful! It's definitely been interesting since getting the diagnosis myself though, realising that small stimulant doses DO make me slow down and focus, but higher doses seem to overflow that cup of calmness. I do think it's a more productive species of mania though, that higher doses tend to induce in ADHD people - we want goals to achieve, or something creative, not just an ear to talk off! (which, judging by this flippin' essay, I'm far too good at while UNmedicated, lol!)

@steph.d3681

11 ай бұрын

I’m on the waiting list for a diagnosis of ADHD and I literally cannot function any more because nothing helps, no antidepressants work and make me feel like shit, I’ve tried sertraline but couldn’t even get onto it, beta blockers only stop physical symptoms which isn’t what i need help with.. so I smoke weed, I take valium when I can, I vape nicotine too much, and anything else I can get my hands on with the limited amount of money I get for being on benefits, classed as unfit for work. Mostly prescription pills but honestly I’d try anything right now because living in my head has been becoming unbearable for weeks now. I had a mental breakdown in January and I’m only getting worse. I have ARFID and haven’t eaten in 3 days. I can’t wash my hair, can’t even shower, my whole flat needs cleaning, dishes from the past few weeks are sitting in the sink and there’s more dirty dishes piled in a cupboard from fucking July. I don’t know how on earth I’m supposed to carry on. I’ve been shouting about all of these things to so many doctors and so many people since I stopped working after my breakdown. Their last resort since meds don’t work is always, “Here’s the crisis team number again just in case you need to use it”… how would a stranger on the other end of the phone stop me from ending everything when nobody who knows me personally can help? Or seems to want to? All the crisis people can do is try to convince you not to do it. I would never phone them, I don’t want to hear their empty false hope. I don’t phone anybody. I have a fear of phonecalls yet they still say “..well just in case”.. I’m not gonna phone them! There is nothing out there for me man. I’m seeking help but it’s not coming. Now all I do is complain to anyone who will listen and complain to nobody on the internet. I don’t even know why I’m writing this life story. I was literally thinking earlier about whether I should just find a drug because I damn well can’t rely on anybody or get myself through this alone. I know I’ll lose everything but I can’t continue like this. I used to do pills/MDMA and various things most days of the week and got psychologically addicted to mdma for a few months, my life was a mess but at least I was popular and having a good time. It was the only time I felt alive, then it all went to shit and I got left alone. I think about running away, unaliving, SH, multiple times a day. The best part is that nobody cares about me enough to actually help. I want to block everyone and go ghost because nobody is helping me, the tiny amount of people I’m still in contact with are living their lives that they’ve made for themselves and don’t have time to even reply. I’m broken and powerless to do anything and have no life. I’m fading away from everyone’s memory while I’m still alive and I truly feel like my days are numbered because I don’t have a reason to live, any purpose, any hope that I have a future. I have no reason to leave the house so never meet anybody. I don’t even listen to music now, I’m too sad. It’s just so so sad. I have all these nice clothes and shoes that I love and no reason to ever wear them. My entire life is unbearable. I don’t have support or help, I’m hugely in debt and just clinging to any tiny piece of hope that I can but it lasts barely any time at all. The fight in me is fading and it’s noticeable. I’m also asexual so any hope of being truly loved in the future is pretty much gone. It kills me. Dorian, I watch your videos a lot just to distract myself. Thank you for all of your content and for being so on point with the reality of chronic illness and chronic mental illness. I haven’t even been watching KZread much any more from just being too low to do anything. I doubt you’ll see this but I love you and your channel and I relate to your life so hard. You’ve been an inspiration to me and a comfort.

@milascave2

11 ай бұрын

Amphetamines and cocaine do not seem to help with autism. But they do have with ADHD, for a small percentage of the population. This is known, and stimulants are prescribed as such in many places, though, apparently, not in the county where Dorian lies. I tried it, and pretty much got the same kind of effects that most people get from long term amphetamine use, which are mostly bad, despite the welcome extra energy (the benefits of which were eventually canceled out by a total lack of patience.)

@maryannscott5567

11 ай бұрын

@@steph.d3681 I see you. I hear you. (hugs)

@hannahmitchell87

11 ай бұрын

I get it. It's overwhelming. I'm not going to give unsolicited advice cause I don't know you but I do understand the suffocating, helpless, hopeless pit we find ourselves sinking & festering in, fwiw. (& the self medication). If I did know you, I'd come over, bang some music on & we'd have a quick blitz (just enough to make a dent to gain momentum), then make use of your nice clothes & go out for no other reason than to show them off! :) I hope you find a way out of this to a chapter that's more enjoyable. Your breakdown wasn't that long ago, so please don't be too hard on yourself. Sometimes just making it through the day without incident is a victory. I'm guessing from some of your terms you're in the UK? Wherever you are though, it seems like your healthcare support is truly lacking. I've felt unable to approach my Drs about mental health since they told me they didn't want to see me back there again with the same problems. (I had several unsuccessful attempts at therapy etc) So I just bumble along & try to find my own way (with huge variations of success!) Such is life. Hope you've managed to eat something? Sending a big hug X@@steph.d3681

So true about pain killers. They not only kill physical pain, but existential as well. And that is powerful!

I feel so heard because of this. Without self medicating I won't do anything in my life. I don't do drugs for fun, I use them so I can keep my job and being able to feed myself

🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽 YES!!! I cannot function sober. It’s not possible. It’s like when they put you in a medically induced coma before an intense surgery because the pain is too much to take. For some of us, we have felt too much too fast and now life is too much to take

@pinkmoonrabbit2072

10 ай бұрын

well said

As strange as it sounds, I only felt better when I stopped caring about feeling bad. It was excruciatingly painful, had to use distraction when it was really bad and call the crisis team to walk me through staying here a few time in the furst few months, but I said, if you feel like this forever, this bad for the rest of your life no matter what you tried, would I be okay with it. I asked myself that question, and I decided that I would stay and just feel awful if that's what my life was going to be. I still did things out of obligation to support myself, basic cleaning, tried to eat healthy foods, but I completely did not care about the outcome. I let go of everything, I let go of the life I thought I would have because extremely bad mental health took it. I let of of any possibility of a career, I let go of pretty much all of my relationships because like you said they fall away when you are that mentally poorly. I let go of the desperate need to feel a certain way and sort of just relaxed into it, and didn't try to control anything if it meant forcing anything to be different. It left like I stopped fighting against what was. Most of the time I would lie in a dark room for hours as I was so over stimulated and overwhelmed, and filled with panic from releasing control and allowing things to be there, and allowing them to just be so painful. It was so so hard, but things eventually started to feel calmer, and more simple, as it felt like I dropped through the terror into periods where my mind would stop. I have autism and adhd too so this was something I'd very rarely experienced. I faced a lot of triggers from ptsd from SA, and from the trauma of living in a world which can feel so dark and unfair on myself and others. To not care about the outcome, to let go of an idea of how life should be helped bring me a lot of relief. Most days I still feel pretty bad, but some days there is now an emptiness which can sometimes be filled with peace. I also try and focus on things which help me not think about myself, where I forget who I am, such as, I'm learning a skill of some form. If you are attached to learning a skill to make you feel better, as you think it will give you dopamine, and to enhance your self image, it won't work, you have to be able to do cope and be at peace with the process of doing something without thinking you'll get something out of it. My heart goes out to you, the pain you shared In this video I know all too well. I hope you keep going. I hope that with all my heart for you 💗

@beakmug

5 ай бұрын

That's quite close to what I've experienced. I've had my deal of trauma and I've lived my whole life not knowing that I'm most likely neurodivergent. I've self-medicated with an eating disorder and depression. I've always been a perfectionist and very demanding on myself. And then, slowly, I stopped caring. Every time I have a terrible day I remind myself that I have already been through hell and survived so it's pointless to fear the future. The worst that could happen would be re-living my past, and that's not going to happen. I can do nice things even though I feel bad. I can cry at amusement parks. I can feel lonely at parties. I am allowed to leave nice things early if I want to. I don't have to try to control my overwhelming emotions. I just have to let myself feel and usually the sadness and depression fades after awhile

@isel.9056

5 ай бұрын

This is such a wise comment 💜 thank you This is about how I want to live too. ^^ And I’ve come to realise how lucky I am that my parents never tried to pressure me to become an over achiever or anything of the sort. I wish you many happy moments and pretty landscapes in front of your eyes🌳🌸🌄

Honestly i always thought that almost nobody really take pleasure in doing chores, work or socializing events, but they are just better in finding a bigger motive or small rewards. I still dont know if this would be a more depressing or nicer reality

@howareyou857

10 ай бұрын

I do it because. Nobody else will. Its as simple as that

@hwoods-kg1jf

5 ай бұрын

My parents oddly take pleasure in doing chores/cleaning and thank god I don't live with them anymore because they couldn't understand why I hated it so much and why I didn't want to do anything and that I was just "lazy". 🙄🙄🙄

@thijsjong

4 ай бұрын

If I were in the illusion it was fun or rewarding I would do it. Not too much just enough to keep it hygenic. Not trip over stuff. A being able to find everything because I put it back in the right spot. Decluttering. Just the minimal cleaning and tidying jobs. Everything mus have a fixed spot. I never remember where I put things otherwise.

Watching this video was like a bullet to the chest. I am nearly in tears processing what I've listened to and how much I relate to it. I've never been diagnosed with ADHD or autism but have expected for many years I have either or both along with chronic depression and anxiety. The idea that I may live to 75 years terrifies me. I am 26 now and have just been hit with low after low after low. I have had highs, I currently have a dog and partner that I care more about than myself and that's probably the most good things I've had at one point in time. I have believed since I was a teenager that when I go it will be by my own hand and I feel one of the only things keeping me around is the fear that whatever is after death is worse, which is likely from being raised religious. I feel like I have been failed by every therapist/psychiatrist/doctor I see because I mask pain so well that I can't stop doing it. They tell me I'm coping but I'm not. It's tragic but also comforting in a way to see that you and countless people in your comment section have the same or similar thoughts. I want to hope it'll get better but I am so tired.

@poprocks338

11 ай бұрын

"They tell me I'm coping but I'm not" oh damn that hit

@elenazelonkova

11 ай бұрын

i know this feeling...also faiht is what keeps me here yet...but idont know mabye one day ill lose control and ...but its like i dont want it to happen, however i had some attempts in past but never even i got do uncssiness or so....but fear from after life is also what keeps me here

There’s a shortage on ADHD meds right now and everyone I know cannot understand why I spiral into severe alcohol abuse when I have no meds.

it breaks my heart, you’re my favorite author, I’ve spent so many of the darkest times of my life listening to your words, times when I really thought I was about to die. As much as I’ll mourn as any writer mourns their favorite author, it would be hypocritical to wish for you to just push through for others sake.

@wogimmmm

11 ай бұрын

I hope life becomes lovely enough, I hope those fuckers give you that damn prescription. But I understand. As much as I wish I didn’t, wish none of us do. But understanding is why I’ve been following you religiously for the past 4 years, why you’re my favorite author, why I write so honestly these days. I know you won’t see this but, good luck Dorian. I hope you have incredible luck.

I am in a process of getting a narcolepsy diagnosis and it's hard to be sober from alcohol. My life sucks without drinking because my life is just sleeping without alcohol. That is depressing. My head stays more together if I can drink and party a bit. If I drink too much it doubles the amount of falling asleep, so I know there is a boundary

@YTladytalkingagain

11 ай бұрын

i hope you access relief soon 💜💜

@monicaross4013

4 ай бұрын

SAME. even down to the narcolepsy. I've put off a sleep study for almost a decade after a sleep dr. suggested one for narcolepsy. With zero prompting from me about this history, multiple other dr.s/healthcare professionals/psychiatrists have independently brought up narcolepsy w/ me over the years (as in, without even knowing it was suggested ever by an actual sleep doctor.) Okay. maybe I'll finally do the sleep study. Yikes. Curious if there is any overlap between asd, adhd, and narcolepsy. I'm already medicated for adhd, but can fall asleep on the high dose of stimulants I am on. Doctors look at me sideways with how much I am prescribed.

This makes me a bit worried for my sister who has adhd and autism. It has been me having mental health issues but she is struggling too. I can relate to the desperation of trying to save your life by taking drugs. I am happy antidepressants and a supporting family is enough for me. I do have suicidal ideation but I don't feel as if suicide is the answer anymore and I am truly grateful. I will not leave the people I care about behind. I encurage anyone experiencing suicidal thoughts, ideation, planning or anything related to seek support from someone able to help you in any way, whether in being family, friends, mental health professionals, church... You are not alone.

I’m not saying this is the answer for everyone by any means, but I have pretty severe ADHD & anxiety, and I was bulimic for 12 years, and I am now able to function by exercising twice per day and doing a lot of therapy. I still struggle for sure, but after trying pretty much every antidepressant, benzo, and stimulant medication (& eventually becoming out of control addicted to the latter two 😬) I tapered off the meds and basically switched my addiction to exercise. I recognize this can be dangerous too, and maybe it’s not a perfect solution, but I do feel much better and healthier than when I was consistently medicated. I usually don’t go overboard anymore and keep it to 2 hours + some stretching/yoga, and my focus and dopamine levels (or energy/happiness levels) are absolutely more consistent and “good” than before. Again, not saying this will work for everyone, but movement can go along way

@deesparklebazinga9374

11 ай бұрын

Yes exercise was my life saver for many years but I've got to start again with physical activity due to long term health issues that have had me housebound for so long im scared to leave my house now! Not sure how I'm going to start again and try to build it up!

@chrissylekas

11 ай бұрын

@@deesparklebazinga9374 I can so relate to this.. over the pandemic I stopped working out regular andddd I totally relapsed and got quite depressed! It was hard getting back into it! Starting with some in person classes/group stuff or even online workout classes can be a nice way to get back into it

@xSwordLilyx

11 ай бұрын

I agree but I couldn't start exercising again (beyond 10 minutes with my nephew or strenuous cleaning) until I started taking lexapro. I was also having trouble eating and sleeping. Now, I just got a new seat for my bike because I have a big ass on a hard little seat (I did break it in pretty good now though). I taught my nephew to turn by leaning on his handle bars and how to call communication out to someone riding with him, especially 'glass!'. Riding down hills giggling, I haven't really been giggling lately. The other day I wanted a solo ride so I got home from work, he was at school, rode a half hour and later when he inevitably asked if I would go for a ride with him I did another hour. And I just felt good. I have been having a great time putting on my cutest exercise clothes, a hat, looking at flowers and dogs, and going out to at least see if I can spot some coins; my record is 75 cents. It's an extra dopamine hit to hear a penny or two plunk into my piggy bank. My nephew likes to search for intriguing rocks. We found some that look like oreo cookie dough in a crumbling parking lot at the park. I only have anxiety, severe PMDD, and probably ADHD.

@xSwordLilyx

11 ай бұрын

Also lexapro has meant far less migraines so that has helped me to be able to exercise because I have more energy and less pain. Before exercise was a potential migraine trigger and I haven't really been seeing that. I could kiss the feet of the person who invented it.

@user-kq6ki5bn2k

11 ай бұрын

Same)) I am back at the gym after covid wrecked my knees for three months (I could barely walk). I couldn't stop myself, trained for two hours and still can't raise my hands or laugh😅

This is such an interesting take. I've gone from giving up needles, drugs, alcohol - all that over 20 years ago. I quit smoking a couple of months ago. Giving up the smokes has effected me in such a strange way that giving up the rest never did. This video put it into words, thank you so much.

As a person with autism +adhd, and also a long fking history of EDs, I am still not drinking/ doing any drgs just because I am terrified it will be my New addiction and I will just, well, die. Although I have been so close to try that, as I heard that it is the only thing that makes people like me feel "normal". Its devistating.

@Bildgesmythe

11 ай бұрын

Please keep trying. You don't have to be normal, you just have to live.

@lisdexamphetamine

10 ай бұрын

i only stopped drinking bc my pancreas started swelling and put me in hospital. the whole time i was an alcoholic i never felt normal, if that gives you any solace. normal as in drunk becomes your new standard after a while, but when people say that they really mean they become almost unaware of other peoples perceptions of them, more confident almost. i started drinking bc it eased my social anxiety in group settings and then continued for general anxiety in general settings, and it didnt fix it it just numbed it. the real start of addiction is when you have too much access/not enough consequences or recovery days, and high isnt high anymore. its just neutral. and then when it starts wearing off, whatever pain you wanted to numb by using comes back 10 times worse than it was before you got mentally addicted. its a trap and i pray you keep yourself out of it. if you dont i hope you can keep yourself going and find a way out

@spacebar9733

10 ай бұрын

Im 17 with autism and adhd (these are only 2 of my mental disorders) and I see how weed and alcoholism have affected my mom, dad, aunt, uncle, step dad. I just can't do it. I refuse. They are terrible people and all 3 of my parents have alcoholic narcissism and they're just terrible parents and even worse human beings. I can only have so much empathy. Im learning not to judge others who choose to do these things but I cant bring myself to touch anything beyond maybe shrooms one day. I still have belief that I can be better through a naturopathic route. Years ago on accident I took like 3 shots of some fancy blue stuff thinking I'd be tipsy at the very most, but of course i got drunk and I acted like an attention seeking slut (nothing wrong with being a slut, but being a *desperate/attention seeking* slut is not a good mix and is EMBARRASSING AF LOL).

@lisdexamphetamine

10 ай бұрын

@@spacebar9733 I'm of the belief that it's not the substance alone that causes bad behaviour as a by-product of addiction but also underlying issues. some people will never have a 'problem' with substances, and most of those people had fulfilled and safe childhoods, a healthy self esteem and other coping mechanisms etc etc basically substance abuse is usually a result of greater mental illness rather than the other way im not disagreeing with ur lifestyle or choices at all i think they make a lot of sense n are probably good for you overall but ja

When I was around 10 years old I read a wrinkle in Time and the part where they went to the place where everyone was the same but the boy dropped the ball and got punished. Made me realize that I would never ever ever be able to live up to what everyone else was doing. I'd never be able to hold on to that rhythm of life that it seemed like everyone else did so easily and I've been suicidal ever since. And how do you even express that to people like when they won't even listen?

@samgrace6813

9 ай бұрын

I love that book. It also makes me so emotional and have always seen meg as having a developmental/neurological disability.

@Serialescapist

8 ай бұрын

Find an artistic outlet to express it. It is hard and sending positive vibes

This felt serendipitously timed. Thank you, Dorian, for this video. I hope you’re doing well 🖤

@syrineeuhh-5975

11 ай бұрын

litteraly same all the video i felt so much understand

@phoenix72999

11 ай бұрын

Yeah, Same. For me, I am moderately addicted to food, as in I can walk. Drugs terrify me a bit because of all the shit you hear about them nowadays, so I mostly stayed away so far. But I do sometimes feel like all I can do is kind of go to uni and pass a majority of classes barely. (while I wanted to be successful, but whatever, guess that is left to all my friends and I can watch from the sidelines) Some people think I am really functioning normally. Some therapists told me that. I am not diagnosed with anything beyond social anxiety a few years ago. But to me, my life feels like a shit show filled with being "weird", having crippling social anxiety that I can never beat, only endure and keep at bay, and every f-ing person in my life calling me lazy, just because I don't get where they get their motivation from or how they can be so normal and not-terrified when they have to do something that sounds difficult. I literally have trauma from being in the kitchen at shared accomodations because I feel so inadequate and weird, and I might make mistakes that others ten years younger than me wouldn't make. Lol, this is a complete rant, but I had to get it out😅 I also hope that Dorian is doing as ok as he can. And I might try harder to get reevaluated, so he might have really helped me with this. Who knows? Maybe something out there can help me. I am 25 right now.

@hwoods-kg1jf

11 ай бұрын

Same here! Very well timed! This past summer has been hell! I've had to write 4 grievances against my old mental health center for 3 prescribers I seen that treated me terribly, gaslighted me and dismissed me and then a pharmacist that had it out for me that reported me for "doctor shopping" when I wasn't (none of these prescribers wanted to take me on as a permanent client so I was literally in limbo) and also I have been taking suboxone for 10 years without my doctors knowing because I knew if they found out I was on subs (I've struggled with opiate addiction for 16 years) that my meds would be taken away from me which was exactly what has been happening since I legally got on a suboxone program (now I'm having trouble finding a mental health prescriber to script me my mental health meds/benzos for anxiety/PTSD. Without my mental health meds but especially my benzos, I would definitely KMS. My subs, mental health meds, and benzos are the ONLY reason I'm still alive today and am turning 40 tomorrow.) I also have ADHD which hasn't been medicated in a long time because of my high blood pressure issues. Neurotypical people just don't understand at all. Also, when I called my insurance company about my pharmacist, they investigated it and took my side (thank god) and I also reported that ahole pharmacist!

Wow..I love what you said about the choice being between drugs and “unaliving.” Thank you so much for saying that something has to be wrong, before you pick up a drug that’s likely to kill you! I was adamant that I would never use drugs and after so many years of doing everything I could and nothing helping, in any way, it does get desperate! I hate when people say others are lazy, bad and, especially, stupid. I’ve devoted my life to trying to get this message out, for years. Very rarely do I see it expressed, publicly. I’ve received the same stupid advice to “sit with the feelings,” and I’ve almost ended up sitting at the bottom of the water, until I floated. I think we all remember a time! They are treating addiction all wrong.

One thing I think a lot about is how huge a role enviroment plays in all of this. Quality of life and health is obviously very much directly affected by our biology but it's quite striking how important the (social and physical) enviroment is and I really think we need to ask regarding drug use is the question which is needed to cope with biology and which is an attempt at coping with an enviroment. I think the reason why the latter comes with so much pain in different ways is that you can't "cure" a person of the effects their enviroment is having on them, no more than you can give someone pills to live healthily in a house full of toxic mold. Reacting to an enviroment that hurts you is not an unhealthy reaction - that's normal. Wanting to not be hurt is also normal. Trying to get through life whatever way you can is very normal. Some people might be more resistent to mold - a lot more resistent even (or in this case, to social pressure and expectations built to ensure a specific power structure and production rather than human wellbeing) but that doesn't mean that everyone should just deal with a lifetime being exposed to toxic fungus. When people are taught we can't (or won't) have any oppertunity to fix the enviroment, we try to fix our reactions instead. I think it's really striking how many people with severe intellectual disabilities (which are different from both neurodivergence and mental illnesses, but still), who have a decent to high quality of life because they live in an enviroment that's changed to be healthy for them, or at least "good enough" for them to be okay, despite their symtoms and physical stuggles. Of course that's just my experience, but I don't think it's entirely wack. In contrast to how many - and give me some grace on this part - who are closer to the normative ideas about ability than those with very severe disabilities, have low or very low qualities of life and it just... hurts. Humans themselves *are* not a problem, we never are. We experience problems, and we're all supposed to work together to handle that. Those problems can absolutely be biological/medical and medicine is fantastic but it just hurts when rather than people approaching each others' problems with compassion and a desire to cooperate happening we're forced to conform to social enviroments at the cost of human happiness and wellbeing. Regardless of if those problems are medical, psychological, or social (which in my mind includes everything financial and so on). Like, insisting on everyone having to do work or school in the exact same way to survive, which only some are suited for, rather than working together for all of us to do well and be well - whatever that might look like in practice.

ASD female, agoraphobic/NEET, depressed, unmedicated. Because of a destructive history of substance abuse, compulsive behaviour and mental illness in my family, I daren't get into anything addictive. Been drunk once in my life, and that was it for me. I never gamble. Stay celibate. Live frugal. If I took up smoking, I'd never stop--especially cloves, they're lovely! People call me boring and straightlaced, say my life must be so limited, but it would be curtains if I got hooked on anything besides internet (and that's bad enough). Haven't found much that helps trauma, anxiety and shame procrastination, though IM B12 plus massive doses of vitamin D do relieve ASD symptoms for me.

It's horrifying that they have to keep ppl awake when doing any kind of surgery on the head but they have to make sure they don't mess up anything worse than it already is. Pbbly so traumatic for a kid.

I haven't even finished the video and i just want to say THANK YOU for talking about this. I struggled with addiction for a long time and ive been clean for over a year now and ive never been more depressed and felt more useless in my life. The whole reason i did drugs was because they made me functional, now im anxiety ridden and constantly fighting unaliving ideations. I dont know if its the autism, the ADHD, or just me, but most medications DO NOT WORK, like at all. I have taken obscence amounts of opiods that would OD someone my size and it did nothing (before i was using heavy). Prescription meds always work weird or not at all and no doctor ever believes me. I would not lie about something not working, i want it to work so bad, i dont want to have these natural tolerances. Why cant people understand that some of us are wired differently, and we need different treatments?

A head injury can change your whole personality. It could make you a whole different person ❤

wow. you uploaded this EXACTLY the moment I needed it. I'm going through the same thing. I can function on *certain illegal drug* while before I couldn't even wake up from bed, concentrate, have a routine, etc. I have zero fucking dopamine and doctors don't understand me, don't believe me, I don't know. Life is so hard. The fact that some people can get up, brush their teeth, make a meal, go to work/study/chill, shower and go to sleep, EVERYDAY, astonishes me. I never could keep up with that for more than 3 to 7 days. Life is a struggle, I know I have something, but I'm tired of begging for a diagnosis. When I'm on my drug, I feel normal, I understand now how neurotypicals feel and why they can live, they don't crumble for no apparent reason. This world is made for certain people and I'm not up to those standards. Everyone judges you when you can't be productive but they also judge you for doing drugs to be up to standard, what the fuck do they want? I have to risk my life with this toxic drug I'm taking because the other option is unaliving. I know I can't be on this drug forever, it'll destroy my brain even more and screw up my body. But I blame the fucking health system and its culture. This drug saved my life since it was the last thing I would try before unaliving, I wasn't even trying to get "better", just wanted to get fucked up so I could die, this system had left me with no hope. I don't know where this drug will take me, but the more I ask for help and don't get it, the more psychiatrists and therapists can't seem to find a way to any form of functional treatment for me, the more it takes away my hope and my self esteem. Dorian, thank you. I always come to your channel to hate myself a little less, to feel understood. I admire your originality, your way of expressing yourself, and your sincerity.

@hollywinters4373

10 ай бұрын

Well said

Wow this has always been on my mind lately. Why am I so miserable. I have adhd and bipolar 2 and ptsd and life is so shitty. Whenever I use it gives me a bunch of energy and let’s me do the things I need to get done and makes me happy. But the withdrawals suck so bad. I wish I could be high with no negative results. I’m so scared of being alone but this video helps me realize I’m not alone when it comes to feeling like this.

this is all so fucking true. i’m adhd and autistic and life has always been a struggle. i’m too socially inept (had no irl friends until i met my partner and became part of this group in my 20s) to find where to get drugs so all i’ve ever did was legal weed. if i had the chance to get other stuff tho, i would most likely get addicted. at 14-16 i would take shots of liquor my parents kept over the years (received as gifts and such and they barely ever drink) to black out and fall asleep so i could spend most of time not awake / not experiencing life just because how miserable i was. i had some form of ed from the combination of hating my body after puberty (i didn’t know what trans even was), desire for some control over something, anything in my life; starvation for some fucked up reason giving me happy chemicals of pride/achievement, but at the same time impulsively/emotionally binging because in the moment it feels good too. it’s like my brain is perfectly designed for the starve/binge cycle (and no one really knew!! because i never had enough impulse control to diet for long enough / ever lose enough weight for ppl to notice)

@klettari

11 ай бұрын

(i was gonna talk about more stuff but i need to watch over my cooking lol)

@klettari

11 ай бұрын

my inability to make myself do things that are not inherently fun/interesting without some outside force has been by far the worst issue in my life my situation with work from home is actually the opposite, i went to college for programming and did really well (having a system of accountability like having to submit projects by specific date allowed me to constantly have external motivation to work on stuff (even tho i enjoyed doing it, but i * still * need that outside incentive!!)), then i had a job where i did still pretty good until 2020. once i had to work from home, things just collapsed for me. i just couldn’t make myself work. doesn’t matter how much i tried or wanted to, doing all the “top 10 work from home tips” and having 0 distractions, i would sit in front of my monitor in anguish and just do nothing. i had to quit, but even worse, it majorly fucked up my mental health. it took me 2 years to be able to find a job again and it’s a grocery store job. by outsider perspective, i must be a massive failure. but, working in person, having pretty clear and simple to understand tasks is what allows me to earn some money that doesn’t involve constant mental anguish, so * shrug * the best thing i learned from therapy was the idea of trying to adapt your surroundings as much as possible to work with your brain, and not breaking your brain trying to adapt yourself to the expectations/norms of the rest of society i didn’t mean to make my rant depressing, actually i’m doing pretty ok now, this year i’ve been doing better then ever before in my life, so don’t worry about me!

Thank you for this Dorian. To me you are not, and will NEVER BE a bummer. For someone with a platform to speak on these things so the rest of us know we're not alone helps immensely.

I couldn’t agree more! I unfortunately had a very bad childhood & tried to unalive myself. Because of that, I can’t seem to get a medical script for marijuana. I’m in NY. But it has changed my life. Since I was 18, I have been smoking & it really has helped me so much. More than any drug I’ve ever taken. I’m more productive. I concentrate better, I get to be more creative because I’m able to hyper focus better/ longer. Recently I’ve had the pressure of getting off because I’m about to start my own business, but tbh I worry my work ethic is going to go downhill. I look at weed the way I look at all drugs, when taken properly, it can be a huge assistant. I get a lot of judgement from my neighbors because I work from home & step outside at least once a day to smoke. I guess they assume I’m lazy and unproductive. Meanwhile I’m currently prepping for my first pop up shop. I feel like all stigmas, esp this one is being proven wrong. Or maybe we’re just the lucky ones who are “functioning stoners” lol 😝

@lainiwakura6876

11 ай бұрын

you're definitely lucky, i've dealt with the same and weed hasn't ''fixed everything'' for me. just sent me on a 4 year bender, and i'm 19 now. be grateful for that ability to function. a lot of us will not be here longer because of our addictions, even to weed.

@declanfraser9033

11 ай бұрын

​​​​@@lainiwakura6876I didn't do much writing when I was 19 even though I was mainly inspired by something that happened when I was 18, I'm 24 now and I write every day, I've been writing consistently for the past year, up until I was 21 and even 22 I never would have been able to say if I was really going to be a writer, I also smoked weed for about 10 years, it definitely has its ups and downs, I had a manic episode when I was 18 after drinking a lot in one night, I stopped sleeping and I also smoked the next day, just that one night, the next day and some other things that happened since I turned 18 landed me in hospital for almost a month, I didn't want to be on drugs for Bipolar so I learned my lesson, I don't do anything like that anymore, getting sick from drinking a lot doesn't line up with my other goals like lucid dreaming and it's very easy to overdo it so I don't even drink very much anymore, I've had three shots of Jack Daniels out of the bottle I opened in my room weeks ago, I just wish someone had actually told me how to get what I really want and said that in five years or so I would have the life I really want, don't doubt it, even though I got in trouble more than one time, I always questioned if it was that serious since I was the one who took it so seriously from the beginning (the reason I wanted to keep doing it) realizing it wasn't quite that serious (even though it still could be), recently I had a lot of problems because I was worried about brushing my teeth (had to do it more and didn't believe I could do it with my diet the way it was) and quit smoking for a while, I definitely know what it can do, I've had a lot of panic attacks from it, 100s, if I have no tolerance I tend to get way too high, even from a very small amount, it's serious stuff, now I'm on the lower end side of intake I'd rather feel my pain and headaches than cover it up with drugs of any kind, even though I started drinking a lot of coffee (and I still smoke)... I now plan to live a long life, into my 100s hopefully, 40 used to seem so old, only half-way to 80, I always saw myself having a health crisis at 40 and wanting to end my life, now I see that number 100 life seems a lot better, maybe I won't get sick, I also see it for my mom who is Bipolar and taking some of the drugs, turning 50, we both smoke weed and she drinks a lot more than me...

@declanfraser9033

11 ай бұрын

Then again it could be 99, not everyone makes it to 100 (Betty White and Queen Elizabeth didn't).

@declanfraser9033

11 ай бұрын

I really wouldn't believe that number, 39, maybe if a frowny face can kill you. Better work on turning that frown upside down.

@Queenieb03

10 ай бұрын

@@lainiwakura6876 You’re only 19 & started taking drugs at im assuming 15? Yeah, I didn’t do the same. I started at 18 so I probably didn’t mess up my brain chemistry as much as you did by starting at a young age when your brain was still developing. Maybe consider the fact you started at a young age. That’s not luck hunny that’s science.

This is so relatable. The PDA stuff and dopamine lack, yes... I've been seen as lazy all my life, because the minute things require intense effort and no reward, just exhaustion. I always wondered how the others could do so much things in a single day? I don't do drugs, but took on smoking at 25, for fear of living for too long (all my healthy relatives made it past 95..😒), and I was terrified to be stuck here for too long... Boredom is my main affect, I find a little joy in making music, playing games, my cat and dreaming (boy, what happens in my dreams, THAT is what I call living!). As always Dorian, you are not alone in this, and if it can confort you a bit I'm now 55, and time passes waaayy faster after 40. So it feels a little easier than when I was young. Great, honest video! ❤️☺️

@visionvixxen

4 ай бұрын

Yep . Since 47- I don’t have any old hopes I. Me because no clue how to get different results and the benefits were not worth the consequences I’m scared and traumatized

This is so important to talk about regardless of how unpleasant it may seem to most people. My family has been struggling with generations of addiction and mental illness and I'm sure it has a whole lot to do with hereditary nurodivergece, as most of us have some form of asd. It's so important to think about these issues not as separate problems that happen to effect the same individual, but as what they really are, a cause and effect situation. I was able to become sober a couple years ago because of my physical health problems and chronic illness. But now I have a huge overspending, overeating and hyperfocus on hobbies that keeps me focused on not dying. If I told people the amount of suicidal thoughts I have at work when I am forced to be there to make a living, they would either be concerned enough to get me institutionalized, or just stop talking to me tbh. Probably the latter.

I'm barely 20 and relate to all of this so deeply it hurts I crashed just after highschool and I just know I'll never be able to get back on track for studies without any help. I'm stuck in my janitor job where working three hours a day is already almost too much for me- The only thing keeping me alive is my girlfriend and weed, the only thing I enjoy anymore is endlessly scrolling on tiktok for an easy dopamine fix. And the ASD + ADHD makes all of this even worse because I can't project myself in any form of future possible, it just doesn't work I had to fight tooth and nail to get a diagnosis I should've had as a baby, developped substance abuse issues, bulimia,bpd, bipolar, cptsd, ocd (and a whole lot of others) as a result. And now i have to fight tooth and nail AGAIN to get registered on disability and get some sort of financial accommodation and protection in my workplace. Living is so fucking depressing

@pinkmoonrabbit2072

10 ай бұрын

i hear you. 24 yo, trans, disabled with an incurable debilitating disease that makes it hard for me to leave bed, with bpd, cptsd, depression and neurodivergency. my gf is def a reason im still here, and i also cope by just scrolling mindlessly on youtube. idk y im still here, and im fucking exhausted. at the same time, i have dreams and i want to enjoy life. idk. love you stranger. im sorry and most of your struggles are not your fault, its a racist, classist, ableist system and the people running it making our lifes hell. isolating us, holding basic needs for ransom...

@holyinvestigator

10 ай бұрын

I feel like I could've written this comment man. God damn if we're not tough as fuck for doing this for as long as we have. I hope some day soon we can take this fucked up system apart and have our needs met FOR GOOD. I'm so sick of giving my all to get scraps and to be told my experiences aren't bad enough. If somebody is not diagnosed with PROFOUND autism (non-speaking, need 24/7 care) they don't get jack shit in help. I've had so many "specialists" look me dead in the eye and tell me I am not disabled because of my autism and that I have it good. Yes let's ignore how a vast majority of people who are autistic and can mask attempt suicide. Let's ignore the life expectancy of THIRTY-FUCKING-NINE? I hate this for us. I hope you can get disability because you god damn deserve life-saving assistance, I relate heavily on that.

@respawnlock666

10 ай бұрын

Remember sideways for attention, longways for results! 😅 Also theirs always a sweatshop worker in the 3rd world waiting to replace you once your finally gone. God sometimes spits on people, and he seemed to have spit on you.😂

@karenhainsworth8422

10 ай бұрын

@@respawnlock666 agreed in my day we had to work hard or starve. westerners have it way too good!

@karenhainsworth8422

10 ай бұрын

quit the weed and you wont be so tired captin obvious

you couldn't have released this at a better time. all my friends and family are expecting me to get sober right now, but i'm realizing i just.. can't. i've tried again and again, but when it's the only thing that lets me finally breathe, think, and function, i know i can't put it down without getting back into my old - far more dangerous coping mechanisms. you're the only person that has assured me i'm not alone in this, so from the bottom of my heart, thank you.❤

I’ve always said I’m bad at being a human bc there’s no way it is this hard for other people to carry life, Why does it have to be so heavy!???

This was very i sightful. As an NT person with trauma, I have struggled with a lot of unhealthy coping skills, but because I am NT, I am now able to quit them one by one. I don't need them to function in my life, I need them to distract myself from trauma. That's all. I can see how ND people have a very, VERY different brain and this video has helped me a lot to understand ND friends who use drugs/alcohol to cope with life. Thank you❤

I have autism and while my early life was an absolute hell. Somehow I managed to become very successful. Almost all of my gains have come in the last 8 years. Its been a struggle. I also did all of this without meds and only a few years of a good therapist. Most of it has been purely my doing. I also had to break free of serious childhood trauma while also being autistic, and how ive managed to do this and with so few negative repercussions is mind blowing.

@visionvixxen

4 ай бұрын

How?

@joshuakhaos4451

4 ай бұрын

@@visionvixxen Luck I guess.

Thank you so much… I feel like this video came to me on a right timing …. I live in the UK but immigrated from Portugal just before lockdown and have faced nearly the same struggles as you … this video gave me a light of hope 🙏..I love you so much and I’m more than happy tou see you again everytime here on KZread.🖤🐈‍⬛

I'm autistic, trans, and anorexic with CPTSD. You better believe I have coped through life by using substances-BUT-finally, I have chosen to mitigate my use by accepting the treatment offered by a Suboxone clinic, and it has been a massive help. I've also been accepted into a ketamine program for treatment resistant depression. So, for me, and I suspect for many of us, it's a matter of responsibly balancing the usage in an individual way, unique to each of us. Lovely video! You speak directly to what I feel.

@PunkTymeFoxy

8 ай бұрын

Where are they doing the ketamine treatment?

This is so weird. I've recently picked up smoking because I needed something to calm my brain. I know it's not good for you I've heard it all. The internet went down at my house and I've been freaking out because I haven't been able to quote my mind down with KZread vids. I've been struggling with bingeing eating since I can remember and the NHS is so broken it's been 4 years since I was put on a waiting list for ADHD meds and still haven't got even an a appointment.

@lionswims

11 ай бұрын

Yep! I also decided to take up nicotine in adhd desperation at age like, 35. Choosing the pouches was one of the wiser decisions I've made in my life - which is to say I haven't made many wise decisions ever. Anyway, the pouches avoid all the smoking / vaping health effects, plus they're suuuper convenient.@@user-ue1ji4du2q

@monatravell

9 ай бұрын

dont worry, rather unhealthy then barly mentally surviving. thats why i smoke aswell

This is so important! When i first suspected that i was autistic i was struggling so much at work that i started smoking weed heavily to cope. I was smoking so much that it got to a point where I wasn’t getting high so I followed everyones advice and took a tolerance break for a month. It was one of the worst months of my life, i had extreme anxiety, dissociation, depression, i even started experiencing hallucinations. Needless to say i will never take another tolerance break again unless it is absolutely necessary. At this point my relationship with weed is much healthier but I don’t think i will ever be able to live a full happy life without it or at least cbd

@giacintaah

11 ай бұрын

i had to take 2 weeks off to recover from wisdom teeth surgery & holy shit no thanks. id like to not do that ever again. i couldnt do anything. even eating was a chore, everything felt like i was walking through sludge.

I'm watching you because you're such a great storyteller and your stories make me want to think about my own stories of life. I don't know if I'm neurodivergent or neurotypical (when i was little one lady from church had said to my mom that i might have autistic traits because I was hyperactive or something) but I struggle with motivation a lot and I'm scared of reaching out to people and back in school people called me druggie because I wore colorful clothes and made art with a message to be happy all the time (like hippy crap) but I did it because I was fucking sad all the time because everyone bullied the shit out of me. I pushed through just for myself because I'm a selfish person who only cares about my dreams but when a jerk said "you don't have dreams, bitch" i tended to lose it internally. I was super limerent over a classmate who didn't give a shit about me and I had to be in the same class with him for seven fucking years so it drained me, eventually I moved on and fell in love with someone else but I wasted so much time over him. It's a miracle I haven't picked up drugs but it's probably because I'm still living with my mom and I almost started drinking like my alcoholic granps who offed himself. Sorry I just had to vent my story out under here. I think my mom regrets telling me her father killed himself but knowing there was a mentally ill person in the family makes it easier because it's not entirely my fault, it could be the genes. But another part of me keeps saying "you're perfectly normal, stop thinking you're different, you're really not, it's just that you were a brat when you were little, you're acting like a child, you're smart therefore you're perfectly okay, yada yada" I don't know which thought is the right one. If you read this, thanks, otherwise screaming in the void helps too.

thank you for making an approachable video about this. im explaining to people all the time that homeless people arent villains, and that nobody randomly picks up heroin.

You might not feel happy or content with life but your life has vast amounts of impact on others. Your channel has made me feel seen and heard. Your life has meaning and purpose and although you haven’t found the happiness in that, it Is still possible. Dorian, you don’t owe me or anyone anything. Thank you for sharing your stories and wisdom with us.

@giacintaah

11 ай бұрын

seconded!!

Psychedelics have literally changed my life for the better, especially mushrooms. - severely multi-neurodivergent. Thank you so much for this video, first time, I actually feel understood. What NTs don’t understand is what being continually blamed for things you have no control over does to a person and NDs are also severely bullied for their neurodivergence!

I hope you don’t worry too much about being a “bummer” bc your realness actually really helps me and a lot of other people. Thanks for another great video! I always look forward to your posts

I'm grateful that you're still here to tell your story, Dorian. I've been diagnosed with autism and ADHD last year and had my fair share of addicting behaviours in the past (alcohol, drugs, food, selfharm, toxic relationships, sex) it has been a nightmare up until this point. I had a lovely therapist and since 10 months i'm taking stimulants, these changed my life to the better and i understand now why i've been so easily addicted to all the stuff before... It's tragic to see that so many (late-diagnosed) people can relate but it's also nice to see that we're not alone. Thanks again for your work, without you i would've never seeked out diagnosis and treatment. ❤️

Thank you, just thank you. I live with very severe ADHD, anxiety, depression, PTSD, and C-PTSD. I smoke marijuana daily when I get home from work and it has saved my life, point blank period. I was in treatment for 14 months for my mental health as a minor and I was told if I used drugs of any kind I was an addict and was destroying my life. It doesn’t feel that way at all. My drug use has kept me alive for years. It is the only peace I get in my day and I would not be alive if I didn’t have that relief at the end of the day. Thank you for sharing this message in such a well thought out way.

One of your videos gave me the right ass-kick to think again and realize my autism! And i'm completely with you: I never would have made it to 43 without alcohol and/or opiates. Drugs definitely helped more than they did hurt me. For sure not the ideal way to live but simply the best/only chance for some of us! No pedistule but stil a big THANK Dorian for screaming out in the world that we all exist too! 😻meow🐾

@izzyfox7575

10 ай бұрын

*pedestal ❤

@blue_anime_cat2526

10 ай бұрын

@@izzyfox7575 Thank meow!😻❤️🐾 (not my first language but i try my best and am thankfull for nicely meant corrections/help)

@izzyfox7575

10 ай бұрын

@@blue_anime_cat2526 You're most welcome! 😸

Since 10 years old I have felt this way. Never wanted to be here. Nearly escaped at 28 Now in my 40s. Definitely will not stick around for 50. My mom died 2 months ago in a hospice surrounded by strangers. That can't be it. I'm getting out early.

This makes me very glad that I was never exposed to drugs until after I learnt the risks of me getting addicted/suffering complications from drugs. I'm not even 23 yet and I am not happy at all but hopefully I can get some therapy and maybe that will help.

@myriamh.2182

11 ай бұрын

Hang in there alot of people struggle alot in their twenties for me and the majority everything got better in the thierties. Try to get therapy and take one step at a time. It's not easy to find a life that makes you happy and fits to you. It takes some time. Give yourself the time.

I finally get it. You don’t feel the chemical hit of dopamine when you do the human tasks so your brain seeks it out. Again anther great video.

@angelic754

10 ай бұрын

yup

I'm autistic and while I don't require weed to function and I can make do without it, I definitely experience so much less pain, overwhelm, meltdowns/shutdowns, depressive thoughts etc. when I just take the smallest bit of weed before going out into the world. Something that I've found hard to explain to people is how a simple 4 hour shift at a retail job can be so grating on my nerves and so exhausting that by the end of my shift my thoughts mimic that of a severely depressed person. I think over and over again about how I'd just like to go to sleep and never wake up, how much I hate living, how much I hate other people. With the average part time job I'm stuck feeling that about five times a week and then during my weekend I'm filled with anxiety about how I only have a couple days before I have to go do "that" again. But if I take like 2.5 grams worth of an edible before going into work, I don't feel like everything is pressing in on me all at once. I feel lighter, and happy to help people. I actively give better customer service when I'm a little bit high, and then I actually feel good about myself and my work. It's also much easier to focus in my university courses this way, and get all of my homework done without having a cognitive meltdown. Going to social events also becomes easier because I can actually enjoy my friends' presence instead of completely shutting down halfway through hanging out (which for people who don't know me as well, just seems like I'm being really grumpy - not exactly someone you want to invite out again, right?). Luckily weed is legal where I live, but I wish that overall, it was seen more as a valid form of medication. This is all to say: I understand exactly what you mean in this video. And it's totally fucked how stigmatized addiction is, especially when it probably wouldn't exist to the same extent if society were built to be more accepting and work with all neurotypes. (And maybe if it weren't uber-capitalist...)

@stonedhenge6

10 ай бұрын

I go through a lot of the same stuff it is nice to read this - made me feel less alone

They need to take the idea of morality out of drug treatment. If they can do that, then they can fit the treatment plan to the client and not try to fit the client to a moral behavior plan.

This is very enlightening. I've been on Methadone Maintenance for almost 16 years and i honestly can't ever see me coming completely off of it. I went from 180mgs a day down to 100mgs a day, over the 16 years. I have physical pain...a lot of physical pain. But the mental shit is what i think im stuck on. I used to feel so bad because when you enter the methadone clinic, the goal for most people is get off it asap. Welllll, that hasn't worked for me. I went from over medicating to now under medicating and i just don't know how id survive without it. I'm glad I'm not the only one. I mean, i hate it for others and myself, but its nice to know I'm not just a total shit stain who can't get her head outta her ass. I'm a mawmaw, wife and mother. I'm a homemaker. I do matter and what i do does matter. And I'm gonna stop feeling ashamed of being on MMT. Who knows, may e I'll embrace it and then i wont want or need it anymore,lol. Jusst kidding😂😂

"Born cursed" -- that hit home for me. Spent 30+ years thinking I was broken, that it was my own fault that my body refused to function properly (i.e. encopresis), before realizing that it wasn't something I was, it was something that was done _to_ me. My father was extremely violent and succeeded in giving me PTSD at age 4, which was obviously never treated, along with the autism/ADHD or plethora of mental illnesses I picked up along the way. I suppose my question for the class is this: How much of our suffering comes from our neurodivergency and how much of it comes from the ways we're treated? Is it possible to disentangle these things, or is it even worth doing?

8:50 same thing happened to me. During birth, my mom was C-sectioned, planned, but for some reason they ended up breaking my neck wich f-ed up bloodflow to my brain and AND my mom refused medics to give me painkillers so the first month on this earth I was in incredible amount of pain. I remember my mom retelling me so nonchalantly that I was the loudest screaming child in the maternity ward "and I told the nurse, "she's gonna be a singer" ...needless to say that my mom was always neglectful and never cared much about real me (not an idea of a daughter that she made up)

I have been a daily toker for over a decade, after 20 years of 100% sobriety. Once my addiction moved onto something non-substance related, everything changed. I was back in mental hell, even though I was sober. Cannabis has been helping me throughout a shit ton of stuff... from stomach issues and knee pain to anxiety and PTSD. I am glad for my sober time, because before that I was undiagnosed Major Depressive Disorder and a human hurricane.

@osirismother

11 ай бұрын

wooo! Go Weed!!!

"Sometimes becominh drug free has less to do with addiction and more to do with sanity" / To this day, Shane Koyczan Thank you with sharing this. The fact you can't get a medication that will help you is so bad :( I hope a solution can be found.

The best kind of sobriety I can hope for is one where I'm not physically dependent on anything. I've struggled with opioid addiction for a full decade now. I'm getting surgery one day, and I'll need to take painkillers for pain, which will probably make me feel like shit and then I'll have to detox off them. I just hope they'll let me manage my pain as I need, and then let me taper off as slowly as I need.

One day Dorian is going to post his last video, and it's going to be a suicide note. When that day comes i will weep as i would had i lost an older brother. My tears will be selfish, because i will be sad for nobody but myself. I wouldn't be sad for Dorian: i too have been "saved" from several suicide attempts, and i too see no benefit from my life having gone on. I, better than anyone, understand that living just isn't the right choice for everyone. That said, upon watching that video (which i sincerely hope never comes, but the way dorian spoke around the 27min mark hit a bit too close to home) I would be wholeheartedly shattered. I would feel as though the world had gotten, somehow, just a little bit darker. As if the sky had let a black, heavy chunk of itself fall from heaven and come crashing down on me with full force. I would be very, very sad. Kinda funny, insist it? I'd be sad over someone having achieved my exact same goal.

If only it were thirty thousand years ago. I’d be micro dosing poison berries and eating fish from rivers like smeagol

i really appreciate this video (and all your videos tbh), it made me feel really seen. im an auDHD teenager, and i havent started abusing substances, but it just feels sort of inevitable since i've already gotten addicted to self harm and anorexia and i have good access to them. i've never been the type of person who can deal with what im feeling, so its just a matter of when people stop me from doing one coping mechanism and i have to move onto the next. i definitely felt it when you pulled out this is yesterday at the end, its always been one of my favouite manics songs especially for that lyric. the bit about autistic suicidality was so real, a lot of the time i'm just living concert to concert and ed bullshit to ed bullshit. im trying to slowly introduce my parents into your harm reduction stuff in the hopes of it mayyyyybe smoothing the path if/when i want to recover, but so far it isn't going the best. don't want this to be stressful at all, im sorry if it is, but i love your content, it's helped me a lot. i regularly come back to your video on how EDs aren't based on size when i'm having a bad day. hope you have a wonderful day and enjoy the start of autumn (im really looking forward to the halloween bpals this year)❤

I go through a similar thing with caffeine. My autistic brain will not function without an energy drink in me.

Weed gummies have been a life changer for me. I have ADHD (Innatentive type) and my brain never shuts up, so the edibles help.

Dorian, you look SO stunning in this video! I love all the fashion and makeup looks you’ve shown us, but this is probably one of my favourites. 🤍

@amazonionavalon8252

11 ай бұрын

I have to agree, the Platinum Blonde is really striking and goes beautifully with Dorian's eye shadow ❤

It is really hard to be in a society where "no one" thinks or feels like you. I hate working, but not because I don't want to do the work, but that the system is not compatible with me. Every day I want to die. No one understands the struggle and tries to get me to see the "bright side" yet to me, it's a black hole. I go home and smoke-sometimes drink. I am definitely addicted to weed and I know that if I ever tried anything stronger, I'd be addicted to that too. The guilt and shame that I feel knowing this it immense. I WANT to be able to function on my own, but my brain can't take the strain of society and "what is normal". This experience is incredibly isolating and makes me so sad. I feel for everyone else dealing with this. If anyone ever needs someone to talk to, feel free to respond to this. Maybe we can create our own community where we can support each other when no one else will. Pease, and stay cool my dudes : )

Been with the same rubbish drug service since I was 18 and I am now 40. I'm up in Newcastle Upon Tyne. I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD 2 years ago. Trying to get off buprenorphine and cannabis but hate life and finding it difficult to trick my PDA mindset into long term sobriety without total panic setting in, thanks for sharing x

@melodyvalentine8779

11 ай бұрын

Who is yours ran by? I'm from Blyth, so not far from you. I've been with the same drug services since I was 16, I'm 36 now, and it's had it's ups and downs over the years. We used to have loads of decent things, acupuncture, massage therapy, loads of fun groups and key workers who actually gave a shit about you. Now it's barely anything and I have a new key worker every few months coz the old one will leave. The one I've got now is mint but I know it's only a matter of time before I ring up to speak to her to be told she's left coz they never tell you they're going. Our recovery centre is being taken over by new people in October, Changing Lives has lost the contract after 10 years so it'll be Human Kind. Hopefully with all new staff in that side of things it'll shake things up and bring it back to life but it's basically the only one of it's kind in the whole of Northumberland, people have to travel from right up next to Alnwick and Widdrington etc if they wanna come to the groups or do the non residential rehab thing. That's shit, there's no way I'd be able to travel that far if I didn't live in Blyth. This is the first time in 20 years I've actually done anything in terms of dealing with why I'm an addict vs just stopping using so I always relapsed in the past. This time it's been 4 and a half years and I've actually been diagnosed with a few mental health conditions and ptsd so hopefully dealing with those will help me stay clean.

@deesparklebazinga9374

11 ай бұрын

@melodyvalentine8779 I'm with plummer court in Newcastle, we have a high staff turnover as well, and I've waited most of this year for a new worker after my last one left. I'm on a waiting list for CBT to try and learn to survive better as Im no further forward after being discharged from the mental health team in aprox 2015 (with the wrong diagnosis). I'm fed up with bupermorphene as it doesn't reduce my cravings or keep me stable, yet I have to reduce and stop it again (lost count how many times I've previously ended up on opiates again, then eventually back on bupermorphene). Nothing changes apart from sinking further into desperation x

@deesparklebazinga9374

11 ай бұрын

@@melodyvalentine8779 had to check....Newcastle Treatment and Recovery (NTaR) - CNTW033

Im really afraid of drugs for this very reason, that i might be the best and the most functioning version of me. im undiagnosed but knew from childhood that i was "wrong". i never knew how to connect with people, all the societal standards always confused me. and i remember being miserable, thinking im just some loser for not even able to make single friend. im in college and honestly i dont get how its fun. its an overstimulating nightmare, and i hate being perceived by everyone, even though im most likely not and im just being delusional. i feel like if i didnt start self medicating a year ago i wouldve ended up being in a psychward, i know i wouldve become the most delusional insane person you could ever meet but i wouldnt care because my priority would be to keep up my fantasies in my head and live inside there away from things

Thank you. My first B.P.A.L. order arrived and now I get a little joy every day when I open a new potion. It helps a lot.

You know, among a tonne of immensely valuable content, this may in future prove your most important. Normal people just don't get anhedonia. Or anything really. This channel matters enormously. Thank you.

I use these videos to try to understand and better help the ppl closest to me who struggle with addiction mixed with their neurodivergency. Every time, I'm relieved that I was so sheltered and too autistically oblivious and socially anxious to think to inquire about what goes on in the school bathrooms; to ever pick something up. I'm far more wary now, knowing what drugs could do to me if I touched anything more than weed or a couple drinks w/ friends. Life is still horrendously exhausting and demanding, but my hyperfixations and plentiful special interests make it tolerable. I want to be there for my gf who recently relapsed with alcohol, but I'm stuck almost 3hrs away for 3 months bc I can't drive and have to continue college until the next break. Every day I fear that she won't be there when I get back, and idk what I would do if she isn't. There's really no one else who is supporting her in her recovery, so it feels too much like I've abandoned her. Ik she's strong willed, but even the stongest will has a last straw. She's my world, and the kindest soul I've ever met. I'm hoping with every fiber of being that she'll make it through this

I don't really comment on video's but thank you for this. I'm 82 days sober and it feels like everything is going to hell. I need to and I want to stay sober, but with the price of total social suicide and being completely unable to function like I did before. And no one seems to fucking get it. My doctor was expecting some kind of breakthrough with me and I was the one being realistic that I'll never be cured of whatever this is, I just need to endure it the best as I can. It's like the weight of reality has been put on my shoulders because everyone else around me seems to live in a TV show where everything just works out in the end. I feel like I'm being sacrificed, hidden out of sight because I am no longer as fun when I was still drinking, but at the same time looked down upon because I have struggled with it. I will and cannot ever win. My cat has saved my life so many times, and when she is gone I cannot even think what will happen then. I feel like my only solution is to find an escape. I fucking miss drinking beer and playing video games, the problem wasn't the drink it was people and society at large. It was the need to drink wine on dates so I'd feel even the slightest bit of attraction. It was the need to have that first glass so I could get over my selective mutism and push the inevitable overwhelm into next week. It made me witty, funny, weirdly magical at times that I literally once thought I might be a drunken master. My kung fu was elevated. I want it back, but I don't want to go back. You made me feel a little less lonely tonight.

As an insomniac, it's pretty difficult to be alive ALL the time. Most people have the luxury of turning it off for a while, but if you can't sleep you're forced to think all the time. When i was in active addiction and trying to explain it to other people, they never got why i needed drugs to deal with a seemingly simple disorder. I also identify with a lot of autistic traits, and i found ecstacy would make me feel like a normal person, like i was masking without the effort.

This is so real- nobody understands why I need substances

this hit way too close despite me being almost half your age. it feels such a chore and combination with an addictive personality and needing to have some sort of a crutch to not F$#@! is exhausting. i don't even know if getting a diagnosis is worth it at all at this point. people's view solidifies with time and parents thinking you need to be bordering on down's syndrome to be autistic is disheartening. it's difficult trying to explain to people that you don't have that reward system that everyone else does, that it's just not fulfilling to you unless it aggressively rewires your brain. much love to you, you're the only one that manages to explain what i feel down to a t

@Bluebooty

11 ай бұрын

No! Do it now! I’m 24 and having diagnosed adhd and sensory processing disorder and medication is SO HELPFUL.

I'm 41,in recovery from a 20yr heroin addiction, as well as every other drug at sometime or another. THANK U FOR MAKING THIS and helping it make sence to me. Befre I was an addict I was in a mental hospital at the age of 15 with a multitude of mental health diagnosis and even more pills to deal with it all, antipsychotics, benzos ect my 'street drug' addiction happened after I came out and stopped the meds as they made me double my body weight in 8 months and as an anerexic that made me hate the pills. I'm so glad u said no one withouth mental health issues picks up and uses heroin as of course it's not a decision anyone takes lightly and u have to b in some serious pain to consider it. It was exactly like this for me, I used so I cud deal with life and it kept me alive, I stopped trying to unalive myself and for many years I lived like that, I had a daughter who has this month been finally diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the age of 13 (don't even get me started on CAMHS) although I have known since she was a toddler and fought for her to be seen and made to jump through hoops as they assumed it was down to me being an addict and a bad parent, not actually anything wrong with her so now I'm trying to deal with being a year and a half in recovery coz she needs me to stop this from happening to her. It is disgusting how kids arnt even put on the list to be seen until the age of 7. I'm bak on prescribed stuff coz as u said UK drug help includes no mental health work anynore and r not seen as interlinking issues, I've never met an addict without mental health issues or trauma. Sory this comment isn't well written, I wud love to get our story out there, awareness needs to b brought to this so the cycle can b broken. I no longer have the choice to leave. Everything I do is just so I don't feel more guilt not coz I get any dopamine reward. It is purely not to make myslef feel any worse or cause my daughter any more pain because of me. Keep up the great work ur doing. And again thank u... So much more I wanna comment on... Identify with everything uve said, will b asking everyone on my team to watch as I wasn't able tro put all thsi into words until I just did it for me. Thank u x

I wish i could give 20 likes to this video. This is so unbelievebly goddamn validating to me! I used hard drugs for 10 years, then got sober when i got pregnant with my daughter, she is now 3years old💜 i got diagnosed this year for autism, then ADD, as a 33 year old. My life will never be the same, now i get it. Why my life is so difficult, why i had to use so long, why i was never able to just do the fucking things other people were able to do with ease!! I am currently experimentin with stimulants with my doctor, at first they helped a lot, now i think we need to up the dose again.. So fustraiting, but im super hopefull i can find something that works, because at first they did so well🙏 I love this channel Dorian, you are so brave and wise, i really adore your storytelling skills and we have a very similar life story and way of thinking. You help me understad myself so much more with every new video and make me feel les alone in this world. Thank you.

Dorian, I deeply enjoy and anticipate any and all storytime / essay videos you upload!! Your style and personal dialogue you share are lovely and so scintillating!

I work in harm reduction, second line, representing users, creating leaflets and training on how to use safely. And one thing is important for us is that we hire active or "in management" usage of drugs. Thats so important

It is a conundrum because the addiction ends up killing some people, and they are saying that they need to substances just to live.

I've never, ever, found a better description and compilation of so mamy similar life experiences, thoughts, and feelings to mine surrounding unaliving, sobriety superiority, and access issues. This hits deep as someone sober curious (4 months sober off alc, 3 r*lapses, weed is a panacea for chronic pain, non-epileptic seizures, and various mental things including PDA AuDHD). Stg, I've had to go back a few times throughout the video. Well done. Wishing everyone else that resonates a lighter load. 🖤

Wow Dorian just wow! This so totally hit home. I've cried a few times. This makes me feel I'm not the only one. Thank you so much.

This was my MO for awhile . Substances at times saved me from offing myself but inevitably it induced suicide attempts. Realized it was not sustainable after losing my home family my kid and myself. But chronically torn bc my life is almost as. Shitty either way.

dorian, i'm only 16 but i dont think ive ever related to a video more in my entire life. i've been chronically suicidal (mostly passively,) ever since i can remember. even before i knew what suicide was, i knew i didn't really want to be alive. it's the strangest thing, because i do experience happiness, (especially with medication and substances, ahem) but i still feel this way in the back of my mind even at my highest highs. i feel a moral obligation never to have children; there is no way in hell i'm going to pass on a meaningless life.