Literally, last night, i was with 3 friends. We wanted to watch a movie, so we voted. It was tied 2-2, and I pushed for the movie I voted for. We started watching that movie, and I immediately thought the other 2 friends were angry at me for 'winning' the movie choice unfairly. I'm 28 years old.

@samserious1337

Жыл бұрын

A coinflip would have solved the problem.

@lisamh9037

Жыл бұрын

I totally get this.

@lisamh9037

Жыл бұрын

I can likely think of a million similar examples. I'd feel rotten (guilty?) if I was bowling better than my friends. If I finally won a hand at poker. If I got an "A" and other classmates didn't... I can take not getting a job I applied for - brush off and carry on. But if I'm at work and get constructive criticism, I take it like a smiling grown-up, but inside I'm in a hot, heart-racing death spiral and ruminate about it for days.

@roxiane

Жыл бұрын

This is extremely relatable

@richerDiLefto

Жыл бұрын

Definitely relatable. Don’t let it bother you.^^

I used to think that rejection sensitivity was bullshit. Of course it was, rejection hurts everyone, it sucks, big deal. Within 5 minutes, Dr, K has described my childhood, my life and quite posibly why i'm diagnosed with an anxiety disorder all without even knowing I exist.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

Yep. I have problem with "rejection" word itself. English is not my primary language and rejection to me means that bullies walk away from me and leave me alone. I like that, I have no problem with being rejected by trash. What Rejection means in this RSD context is exactly the opposite - that bullies bully and that they do not leave us alone - they sabotage us through criticism and nitpicking and blame us. They use Actor-Observer bias and blame us for all that is happening. That is rejection. It is better word would be Blaming and criticizing and nitpicking.

@BrianM1777

Жыл бұрын

@ranc1 I think you misunderstand the name. The name "rejection sensitivity" refers to being sensitive to social interactions that are not Cleary positive and assuming blame for "perceived" negative interactions. What you are talking about are some of the reason why someone would develope "rejection sensitivity" which is not what the "rejection" in "rejection sensitivity" is referring too.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

​@@BrianM1777 rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) I know it. Once again - rejection here does not match the true description. In either case - "rejection" to me is when someone tells me that my request is unable to be done. It can be neutral. What rejection sensitivity and rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD) are based on is when this "rejection" is not neutral - there is either negative emotions from my side where I imagine someone is angry at me - while they might be angry all the time at everyone OR they really are angry at me but I do not share the justification or explanation that they ought to be angry so it is unfair. Yeah - that is the more closer description - unfair rejection. Something is just not right for the word "rejection". I think this is misnomer. I think this misdiagnosis of name is the number one cause why CBT/DSM does not connect social anxiety with RSD. I heard this term "rejection" a long time ago- in 1998 when I have read John Bradshaw's book about toxic shame. It was used and translated into my language as abandonment. But this is not abandonment. Someone leaving - this is more Borderline issue. Rejection sensitivity and RSD are expressing communication mismatch, real or imagined between parties where there is emotion of not fulfilling your needs when you know that the other person can do it easily. Then the recipient of "rejection" feels tricked or deep sense of swindle and unfairness. For example "Blue eye brown eye experiment" where blue eye kids were treated better than the brown eye kids - just because of the color of their eyes. That is rejection - and it is more than rejection - it is coercive control, manipulation and abuse. There is narcissists, Cluster B monster on the other side at some place of authority who mis-uses their power dynamics to hurt, harm, take advantage, mock or simply abuse their target for their usually hidden agenda based on prejudices. Or alternatively - you feel this injustice but in reality there is none, but due to CPTSD triggers and anxiety make you believe you are being swindled and abused by someone who is simply not friendly (perhaps due to their autism or severe lack of social skills - which then appear as agenda to harm you). That is why I think Rejection word is misnomer. It does not clearly describe this special type of dynamics. This is called hypocognition - when we do not have correct word to describe certain phenomena so we used first oversimplified word - which usually leads into confusion and wrong conclusions along the way.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

​@@BrianM1777 Comment 2. The same thing happens with Codependency. A lot of people are misdiagnosed with codependency - and Ross Rossenberg was the first to discover that actually there is no codependency. It is actually Lack of self love, he calls is Self Love Deficit. Codependency is as a term is used for alcohol or drug addiction and when codependent person actively seeks for the object to feel good. What we see in trauma, abuse - is that victims of abuse do not seek drama for example when they are on vacation. Someone with toxic job does not break his holiday and goes back to toxic job in order to feel "at ease". So codependency overlaps with toxic shame and our destroyed self worth - which propel us to trauma bond with other people - and this urge to see other people as gods on the surface appears as codependency. Problem with using wrong definitions is self-prophecy. When we start to believe labels - we will soon act accordingly. This is what Rosenham Experiment showed - that totally normal and healthy and sane journalist became diagnosed as insane in mental institution - just because doctors put certain diagnosis on them. Labels are like a brainwashing, hypnosis - it distorts our reality and we have lens which forbid us to see all the angles and we are forcing ourselves to act accordingly even though we have free will and capacity to do more than we believe due to labels. This same phenomena occurs with CBT and DSM and why psychiatry can be detrimental to our health as Glasser discovered. If we are told we have disorder - this disorder word is label - and we will believe that we are abnormal and other people are in order - which is not true at all. All people have cognitive distortions, filters, wrong conclusions. When CBT tells us we have disorder - we will now start to act accordingly - not because we truly have disorder. This discovery that (incorrect) labels do more damage than good is now being used in Neurodiversity - where we can see that someone who thinks and behaves in different manner than most people - simply has the brain which operates differently than majority. It is not disorder. In RSD - I see it like African tribes who put their children under physical strain from early age. For example they prolong their necks or foreheads or ears. As adults - someone from the West would label these grown up kids with cone head as disorder - but their brain is working perfectly. Their neck is doing its function - they can process food and water down the neck. And their ears work fine - they can hear even though their ear lobes are prolonged. Also - as RSD - these grown up children of body mutilation - it was not their fault that their bodies were abused by tribes. It was not their choice. The same thing as with RSD. It was not our choice that we grew up in ambient of constant criticism 24/7 and now we have reflex to be sensitive about "rejection". I would rather use some other term than rejection. RSD is part of conditioning, we were assaulted as children and our reactions and reflexes we struggle as adults are not related to rejection - it is inability to process trauma. Perhaps Rejection-Dysbalance, Dismissal-dysregulation would be better word for RSD, rejection sensitivity. Dismissal-sensitivity. As I said, I do not have any problem if someone who is abusive leaves and cuts contact with me. This type of true rejection is better description for Borderliners than RSD. With labels - when we start to believe wrong labels - we will start acting accordingly - we just might end up with Borderline issues - just because someone tells us that RSD is related to rejection. Where I felt neutral - now I just might start to feel hysteria because of the wrong word in RSD. Whatever the name of anything is - in life in general - we must be careful about diagnosis and conclusions and descriptions. We were been told all our lives that we are too sensitive when there was injustice - so we will tend to be quiet and accept anyone's explanations without protest or refusal or counter-argument. I think we need to start to trust our own judgements and instincts - even when they are wrong and be willing to apologize when we analyze the situation and find that we truly did over-reacted. Without RSD information - I was stuck with label/diagnosis of Social anxiety. And CBT explains to us that all , virtually every fear and panic we feel in social situations is our hallucination. Then I ended up in corrupt ambient, filled with pathological liars and coercive control - and I ended up fawning and shutting up - because I was forcing myself to "cure" my social anxiety with CBT "advice" to re-label my thoughts (CBT calls this technique ABC Model)- and in the end I was ended up taken advantage of. If I knew RSD information I would start to stand up for myself. Without RSD information - I was excellent target for Cluster B monsters. CBT made me as that due to wrong explanations. When we are in toxic ambient, when there are abusers and criminally insane people around us - it is normal to feel panic and social anxiety. CBT explains that toxic people do not exist and that we can handle all rude and aggressive behaviour with our thoughts. Which now I know is not true at all.

@True_Term

Жыл бұрын

Psychology really hits different

I'm autistic, and I basically learned from the world that no matter what I do, people just don't like me. I'm constantly on edge and anticipating rejection because it happens so frequently. The feeling is that the entire world just hates me. It's unbelievably isolating.

@lemurpotatoes7988

11 ай бұрын

The world is wrong, and you are right.

@cg6176

9 ай бұрын

And it feels like no one is gonna love you because you keep being abandoned?

@Kenlac92

8 ай бұрын

people might just not understand you, but it doesnt mean they hate you. its hard but please dont shut the world out. you have too much to offer! ♥

@LifeisaBeautifulting

8 ай бұрын

I haven't been diagnosed, but this is how I feel. Just feeling like there's something already inherently wrong with me so I always expect rejection. And when I am actually rejected it hurts 10x worse

@alikhmees5687

8 ай бұрын

Damin I feel the same feeling

I grew up in a really safe family. My parents are the two people in the world that I'm _most_ comfortable with. It's everyone else that I'm concerned about rejection with. I think it was bullying at school that taught me rejection sensitivity

@TheBubbeloo

Жыл бұрын

I 100% attribute mine to being bullied in school. What made it even worse was the complete incompetence and unwillingness of the teachers and the school staff to deal with it. They were essentially covering their eyes and ears with their hands pretending that nothing was wrong while I was there being punched in the middle of class during a lecture... And none of the other students had my back. Everybody saw it, yet nobody helped me out of the situation. That will fuck a person's head up for life. I know it has because to this day, despite not seeing my bully in over 20 years, hope only the worst happens/happened to them.

@VioletEmerald

Жыл бұрын

That can definitely happen too. I got much worse after traumas of breakups without explanation from avoidantly attached individuals after being gaslit that everything is totally fine immediately prior to the breakup. I think all sorts of life trauma can make some of this worse or start it from a different place. In my case it definitely was an abusive parent as one aspect of it.

@david5davidable

Жыл бұрын

People often defend their parents even if they actually did something wrong. If you are concerned about rejection it probably has to do something with your parents but it's extremely difficult to admit that parents did contribute to that feeling. None of us want to be a child who's ungrateful and blames parents for their own flaws. That idea already affects how you view your life in a household and it becomes a hazy maze where you're actually angry at your parents but you also love them and can't really blame them. I would encourage sitting down and really exploring what your parents may have done differently and how did it all come to be. It's hard to do on your own. That's why psychologists exist.

@wanderingrandomer

Жыл бұрын

I wasn't even bullied at school, and had loving parents, but have rejection sensitivity. I think I know what could be the cause, but it's a bit embarrassing, and would seem unrelated on the face of it

@VioletEmerald

Жыл бұрын

@@wanderingrandomer I'm very curious now what it is that can seem unrelated but you're pretty sure it's the cause of your rejection sensitivity. Can you speak vaguely about it? Maybe we can indeed see the relatedness if you spell it out for us.

As someone who grew up the scapegoat in a narcissistic household, I want to personally encourage anyone struggling with rejection, self worth, and in general to give meditation a try. I started 2 years ago with practices I learned on this channel and now, despite taking a long time, I think it was the single greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself. It feels like a space that I have built for myself mentally that I can always go to, regardless of a good or bad day, and know that I’m safe and that anyone else’s judgement doesn’t matter. Thank you Dr. K and Healthy Gamer!

@blaulin

Жыл бұрын

Which meditation practices work the best for you? I can't decide which one to try out first

@magi4020

Жыл бұрын

@@blaulin when I started, I went through this channel’s playlist on meditation and tried all of them out and found that I work best with mantra meditations or any meditation that requires focused attention (something like mindful breathing or sound meditations). The one piece of advice I have for anyone starting meditation is to set an intention for every meditation session you have, whether it’s for calming your mind or simply just to enjoy the art of meditation. I would recommend starting with any of the videos in the meditation playlist on this channel, they are all good and diverse so you can get a feel on what types of practices work for you best. Good luck!

@jacobcashman07

Жыл бұрын

❤

@blaulin

Жыл бұрын

@@magi4020 thank you so much

@samuelkomay8058

Жыл бұрын

❤

I grew up being constantly told that I was doing something wrong because my mother was insecure and lacked empathy, so now I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong. I'm doing something wrong at every minutes of the day. I remember being 10 years old and constantly feeling like there's something wrong in everything I say, so I started to overly think about what to say to my friends and developped social anxiety

@AndyMcDrew

Жыл бұрын

I relate to that. I feel like I just don't understand how to say the right things, and there is always something weird in what I say

@mokie7421

Жыл бұрын

yea

@AndyMcDrew

Жыл бұрын

@@mokie7421 yee

@unionunicorn6776

Жыл бұрын

I know exactly how this feels 😢 You’re not alone. Thank you for sharing your story. ❤

@AndyMcDrew

Жыл бұрын

@@unionunicorn6776 im trying to figure out how to fix it. I'm tired of being insecure

I grew up with narcissistic self-victimising parent who would criticise anything but perfection. It's really hard to live with a person like that because no matter how hard you try they will do everything in their power to make you feel bad while saying that they're trying to help you. EDIT: Fixed some errors in the comment.

@MaddSpazz2000

Жыл бұрын

I can completely relate, it's emotionally exhausting

@diezelfunk

Жыл бұрын

I feel you.

@roducliaharenvol8302

Жыл бұрын

I get that feeling (from the 2nd person pov) that when someone is better than you, you feel attacked, thus try to "correct" them in every detail possible according to what you want them to be, disguised with the saying "this is for your own good" when in reality it's for your own insecurities.

@jackdeniston59

Жыл бұрын

Come on, you know perfection garnered criticism as well.

@VioletEmerald

Жыл бұрын

Love that way of phrasing exactly how my abusive parent was.

I remember telling my mom about how sensitive I am about going out with people because of being rejected. She then told me I had too much of an ego. I'm happy KZreadrs like yourself exist to bring our hopes up.

@sunbeam9222

7 ай бұрын

She's not wrong. Most fears come from being equipped with an overprotective ego. Ego is not a negative tool to possess. We all have one and need one. We just have to practice how to balance it well and reassure our ego that we will be fine shall these situations it fears rise.

@Feliciations

7 ай бұрын

You do.

@skippergin2695

6 ай бұрын

You're right, that doesn't sound like a helpful response from your mother.

@motherofsneks486

Ай бұрын

​@@FeliciationsI wonder, would you say the same to a small child cowering in a corner afraid to be beaten within an inch of their life because they made themselves a bowl of cereal in the morning?

@cstacksineedthat

Ай бұрын

Like sunbeam said, she isn't wrong - but its not the whole story and was told uncompassionately and is thus more hurtful than helpful. What I'd add is that social anxieties are inherently self-centered. The person that is anxious about how people perceive them actually does end up becoming self-obsessed/absorbed. It actually is a personality trait that others can pick up on and be rubbed off by - though they will not necessarily know in all cases that this self absorption is due to this sensitivity. Grandiose narcissists are self-absorbed in their own way because of their own internal vacuousness and insecurity. In y(our) case, the key, that I think you also gleaned from this video, is that we can have compassion for ourselves and how we have come to be. Yes, I actually am self-absorbed, and I'd like not to be - because I think you guys are great and you are my friends and I want to be present with you and have a good time without thinking about myself. So it is okay to feel compassion about yourself having become this way, and this way of thinking can be undone with this understanding and compassion. We got this.

You can never get rejected if you never ask people out :')

@SSchithFoo

Жыл бұрын

Like a ship being safest in the harbour

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

that's what I did!

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

@@Dimitris_Balf Fortunately (or unfortunately), arranged marriage is still a thing in India.

@MbzMOKKA

Жыл бұрын

but then it leads to regrets, which is worst. learning this the hard way

@phosspatharios9680

Жыл бұрын

​@@Dimitris_Balf not true. It happens all the time that people spark interest in others without actively asking for it. It is, they get accepted without asking people out.

Watching this made me realize that rejection sensitivity has been the singular guiding force for nearly every decision I have ever made. Thank you Dr. K, for helping me put the pieces together.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

Watching this comments - tells me that this is spot on topic and this guy is expert. He knows his stuff.

@connorpeppermint8635

Жыл бұрын

@@ranc1977 100%. He's illuminated topics that I had no idea were a problem to begin with

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

@@connorpeppermint8635 He taught me concept of unfair Power Dynamics. Literally 90 percent of you tube videos have no idea that this exists. Very rare YT channels acknowledge external factor - such as Doctor Ramani, Doctor Snipes, Lisa Romano.

@connorpeppermint8635

Жыл бұрын

@@ranc1977 he taught me about maladaptive day dreaming and how "shower thoughts" are a phenomenon brought on by a busy world that doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day. Both of these ideas are a contributor to my lack of emotional regulation

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

@@connorpeppermint8635 "doesn't allow time or space for processing info throughout the day" Yeah, Doctor Snipes talked about similar process - inability to process stimuli and sensory gate being flooded with information. Which is similar to those with autism and ADHD. Whenever I ran across such useful concepts I make videos about them and place it in Psychology sections videos, Check it out. The more education we have, the less misdiagnosis there will be.

Very common to have rejection sensivitity with neurodivergence as well. Very few professionals know how to deal with that sadly.

@rejectionisprotection4448

Жыл бұрын

Very good point. I made a response to Klaudia above re: energetic therapy. It's a shame that it's not more widespread or known about.

@ImLehwz

Жыл бұрын

@@rejectionisprotection4448What’s energetic therapy?

@luenanda4432

Жыл бұрын

Feels like your world falls apart, hope it gets better, I know it sucks a lot!

@akpokemon

Жыл бұрын

I wonder how much of my neurodivergence is just a result of my PTSD of being abused, which led to my rejection sensitivity/body dysmorphia/people-pleasing traits...It all seems circular/unclear what came first, or how much neurodivergence even exists--and how much of it is just trauma/PTSD/rejection sensitivity

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

🎯

This was living at my childhood house. The tension was *so* thick, you could cut it with a knife. Mom would always say, “Don’t tell Dad (fill in the blank), or he’ll blow up.” I also had to be extra careful what I said to my teen older brother, or his bpd self turned 180° on a dime and blew up too-even if he was smiling literally *seconds* ago. Inevitably, someone was always blowing up in that ridiculously volatile environment regardless of how careful we were, and I would often feel somehow responsible for it even though I was only a small child. Mom sometimes openly blamed me. I even got screamed at like a drill sergeant once by my brother, who was 11 years older and 3x my size, for something I don’t remember, “YOU CAUSE ARGUMENTS (my name)!!!!!!!!” **cue in stunned, 7-year-old girl tears** I carried my learned rejection sensitivity into school, where relentless bullying from classmates who sensed my vulnerability made it much, **much** worse. Feeling totally helpless from being unable to connect with anyone, my avoidance and *hurt* added an extra defensive layer of sharp hostility towards others. It was like my ego made this new layer as a weird, last-ditch effort to tell me I was worth something without needing to reach the “unattainable” goal of being accepted by my peers after completely giving up. Fast forward to work now-I’m a people pleaser who is too scared to ask for help, finds looking anyone in the eye difficult, will only sit alone for lunch, and treats fellow employees as meddling npcs who only exist to make me uncomfortable (not proud of it, I know it’s untrue and my inner alarm is overly sensitive). When I get called to my boss, I think “Oh, f_ck!! What did I do wrong *this* time?” instead of “Oh, he’s just giving me something else to do.” When I actually do screw up, all manner of horrible names are involuntarily unleashed on myself (f_cking moron, sad sack, dumbass, waste of skin, useless, pathetic idiot, etc.) and it’s all I can do to stop a litany of apologies and excuses from pouring out of my mouth to my coworkers. When I do things right, enter good ol’ imposter syndrome. I’m trying to get over everything, wear a smile on my face, and stop this BS, as it’s no longer in my best interest to be on high alert and push others away. However, no matter how I act, people *still* see right through me and comment on how quiet and nervous I am… Damn humans. Edits: Added a few more relatable things that could be helpful to someone. Shit, I need to get off these boards and start a diary…lol.

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

Dude!! that's my story word to word.

@richerDiLefto

Жыл бұрын

@@shivakrishna1743 You have my sympathy.^^

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

@@richerDiLefto Thanks! Let's hope we overcome it soon.

@_WeDontKnow_

Жыл бұрын

ahh that last part "no matter how i act, people still see right through me" i felt that so hard. i think it's just a journey and process until these new perspectives feel, and come off as genuine. thanks for your words!

@juliagoetia

Жыл бұрын

@@mouse9831 On behalf of all quiet people, please for the love of God stop remarking on the fact that we are quiet. All it does is stress us the fuck out. Just let us be, okay?

Grew up with emotionally abusive parents and became a people pleaser to avoid angering them. Once I got kicked out of my family, I learned being a people pleaser at the expense of my own mental health is not the right thing to do. I still find myself people pleasing and being overly self-critical every now and then from years of conditioning from my parents and past narcissistic relationships. But I've learned with much difficulty how to reign back those tendencies to a certain degree. Still working on it though

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

How are you dealing with it?

@afroninjahd3778

Жыл бұрын

same bruh. Keep struggling, we got this

@reazer2081

10 ай бұрын

you are already a king for that

This happened to me in the workplace. I was called mysterious, hard to get to know, and disengaged, isolating. It has been heartbreaking.

@reddsmoke904

4 ай бұрын

Somebody at my job thought I was a mute. I laughed at it because I came to work for a check, not friends lol

@onegrumpychef2836

Ай бұрын

How did you deal with these accusations at work?

@tajasnothere

Ай бұрын

I told my coworker that I was losing my voice the other day... He said "well it's not like you have much to say anyways" ouch.

This dude just has a way. Like, he just narrows in on what I feel and does it in a way that’s so casual and matter-of-fact that it really does feel like, “ah, yes! Rejection sensitivity is a really hard thing a lot of people go through and it’s totally something you can fix.”

So I guess I’ve got rejection sensitivity, I can tell whether my dad is in a bad mood by the sound of him coming inside from work.

@johndeaux8815

Жыл бұрын

@@Dimitris_Balf well at least you aren’t alone, it felt like he was reading my mind when he said all the thoughts someone with rejection sensitivity goes through in day to day interactions.

@wayomono5507

Жыл бұрын

That's exactly my life but in my case is my mom

@trappart9209

Жыл бұрын

Saaame

I swear, this channel is like a crystal clear mirror to every dynamic that’s been keeping me imprisoned within myself

@samc3567

Ай бұрын

Best way I’ve seen it described

@RokSivante

Ай бұрын

@@samc3567 the timing of this notification bringing back the video to attention right now is impeccable 🤯

I can’t reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit, so I always end up ghosting people in shitty and confusing ways. That makes it worse but I just can’t face my fear. To be rejected and to reject others is so damn hard, and that stops me a lot from building new relationships that I want.

@microfx

Жыл бұрын

the first sentence should be corrected to: "I can't reject others because I know that rejection feels like shit so I reject them" I get ghosted a lot. So I learned to just ghost / reject everyone when I feel just a bit of rejection. Because when I reject first I can't get rejected anymore ... you'll get the point ;) super dumb. But also ... everybody hates me anyways and I learned to live my lonely pathetic life where everything always gets worse every day. Life sucks and then you die.

@KorsAir1987

11 ай бұрын

Ghosting is sometimes way worse than rejection. At least with rejection you get some form of closure.

@MKULTRA_Victim_

9 ай бұрын

Ghosting someone in a shitty way is 10x worse than a straight up honest rejection.

@sunbeam9222

7 ай бұрын

Thank you for the honest comment. Really bring understanding for those being ghosted in confusing ways haha. But then again, if we're being honest, it's also our own fear of rejection that get triggered when ghosted. I've learnt to not be affected by ghosting anymore, I know it's a maladaptive defence mechanism, that when people know how to function better they do better and just feel some empathy for the person doing so now and peace for myself.

@Orange_Swirl

7 ай бұрын

​@SecretXBL How do you ghost in non-shitty way? When will you know if you ghost in a way that is shitty?

This is one of my struggles. Weirdly, I've been able to help myself out by faking it until I make it. If I'm ever scared or anxious about a potential rejection, I can take a deep breath and say "it's okay if I get rejected" and that'll usually be good enough to carry me through.

@UserDestroyer

Жыл бұрын

You are strong

@sunbeam9222

7 ай бұрын

Good brave job! I did that as well. Worked wonders for me. One step at a time, till eventually I could find evidence of my negative thoughts being bs.

@awsambdaman

Ай бұрын

W attitude

As a 38 years undiagnosed ADHD I've ended up realising I was living in a delusion (or even a psychosis) of imagining everyone judging me and thinking about me but I thought it was more of a psychological problem or trauma

@Ailieorz

Жыл бұрын

YUUUUP!

@peterfusinski4102

Жыл бұрын

I feel ya! I lost everyone from thinking this way. I'm sad for myself.

@markmuller7962

Жыл бұрын

@@peterfusinski4102 ADHD can be nasty, underrated actually

@hansmeyer7225

Жыл бұрын

Feel you

One of my friends used to constantly apologize about things that weren't their fault, and looking back, I can see the dots connecting between your talking points and what my friend has gone through. I ended up staying with them and taught them that not everything is their fault, and somewhat getting above the high rejection sensitivity. They're in a much better place than they used to be in this aspect now, and I'm glad I was able to help another person break out of this cycle

@nitifese4528

6 ай бұрын

I think it's really cool that you saw this pattern in your friend and did something to help. Thanks for sharing ❤️

somewhere along the way my rejection sensitivity and hyper-vigilance became extremely irrational; it’s to the point where i’m *constantly* trying to piece why someone may dislike me - even before they get to know me. i often worry about how awkward or annoying i’ll be. or how i’ll inevitably mess up and then they may never want to be my friend or meet me again. even with my close relationships, i’m constantly searching for an “off” tone/expression or a joke that maybe came off a little too harsh; to then conclude that they must hate me and will leave soon. if i’m not worrying about any specific situation or event, then i worry if i speak to them, they’ll get annoyed because my mere presence is just that much of a burden. but then if i speak less i become boring and awkward and they’ll *still* eventually leave. i’m scared to tell anyone about these insecurities because of the rejection too.

@luenanda4432

Жыл бұрын

Same and it’s so hard to be afraid of rejection while shaming yourself for it. Thinking about how people may become annoyed or reject you before anything even happens is super taxing mentally too, hope we can deal with this:)

@shaviyancasseeram7271

Жыл бұрын

I'm the same as you bro, the moment I see a person break eye contact quickly, I start overthinking and creating infinite solutions on why they could hate me or have a crush on me both of which are only food for anxiety

@furowowo

Жыл бұрын

Bruh same, Im glad i didnt tell anyone tho, cuz i dont think normies would be able to help unlike psychologists or like dr K

@attisma

11 ай бұрын

One of the best RSD explanations I’ve watched thus far. Well done! Thank you!

@ellemeno0

7 ай бұрын

Recently, after sharing about my insecurities I have had a few friends reflect it back to me with disapproval vibes, which resulted in me going deeper into hiding.They were trying to offer simple solution such as 'don't worry what they think/you worry too much what other people think'. They were not ill-intended and were only frustrated that I was in there eyes hurting needlessly. Even when I consciously and logically understand I am not being rejected it still is so dysregulating and painful. I guess because of the hyper-vigilant/almost extra-sensory perception. And how the message of them appearing frustrated gets priority in my brain/nervous system over 'they are trying to help'.

I was hoping this would cover things like job applications, or asking people out; like how there are people who are *way* better at handling that type of rejection than I am. The whole advice of “you just need to get rejected 10,000 times and then you’ll be used to it,” never seemed to work for me. One rejection like that will send me into a depression for weeks! EDIT: I should clarify that I’m not particularly invested in the dating part of my example; I’ve been married for years. What I was trying to talk about was the whole “making yourself emotionally vulnerable” type of rejection scenario. As a composer, I’ve had an extremely difficult time putting my work out for open calls, because the emotional cost of being rejected felt like it was way more to me than it was for my peers. I wasn’t ever able to shrug it off like they were, and would dwell on it for much longer. It sort of ended with me leaving the field because I just wasn’t equipped to put my ego in front of a buzzsaw over and over again every day; I was hoping the video had some kind of explanation/method of coping.

@alexgeorgescu1546

Жыл бұрын

He didn't even say that you should learn how to get rejected by getting rejected

@alliu6562

Жыл бұрын

From experience, I agree, getting more rejections don’t actually make it easier to be rejected, it just starts to hurt in different ways. There’s no “one size fits all” answer for “getting over” rejection sensitivity, but I do know that having a support system like friends or family or a therapist helps a lot to work through it. Having a space to be “allowed” to feel upset about rejection is what has helped me face it. I still feel terrible when I’m rejected, such as from jobs or internships. But it no longer harms me by sticking with me for weeks and weeks. Finding a way to feel the full range of emotions without letting it harm the rest of your life is important.

@damymetzke514

Жыл бұрын

So I'm just a random internet person, so don't take my conclusions as fact; But if I understand correctly it seems that what you're talking about is slightly different than what is being talked about in the video. From my perspective the video is about certain behaviors when socializing. Yet it seems you have a genuine fear of approaching people in the first place. I'm not sure if my experience will carry over, but what has worked for me is to try to maximize confidence while minimizing my perceived risk. I will push myself to periodically take a very small step, no matter how small (even this comment suffices), then focus on that step in order to maximize appreciation. I've found that by doing that I can get a lot of the benefits from making progress, while having to put in the least amount of effort. I believe meditation and mindfulness will work very well with this strategy, but I haven't tried it for myself yet.

@nineseven62

Жыл бұрын

It does cover that

@shivakrishna1743

Жыл бұрын

Same! Anyone know what can be done with job application fear?

I was raised by narcissist, who physically and emotionally abused me and destroyed my self-worth, so now any rejection gives me anxiety and in relationship it's feels like I'm unlovable. I just gave up relationship at this point.

@JesamisusTheJester

Жыл бұрын

In a similar situation, it’s rough as hell.

@zoeazsss5035

Жыл бұрын

Same

@hafeezhmha

Жыл бұрын

Look up anxious attachment and secure attachment

@hafeezhmha

Жыл бұрын

​@@JesamisusTheJester look up anxious attachment

@hafeezhmha

Жыл бұрын

​@@zoeazsss5035 look up attachment styles, specifically anxious

Yet again, when the student is ready the teacher appears. Blessings to you, and warm wishes to all.

I have ADHD and I felt like you were describing many of the thoughts I wrestle with in my head. I have somehow managed not to actually act on the feelings so that other people don’t notice, but I can feel the internal toll they take on my happiness. My assessment of where I stand with coworkers and in relationships oscillates between “things are great, they would have a tough time replacing me” (very rare) and “things are beyond repair, start mentally preparing for all your stability to vanish, because you have one to many things wrong with you for any partner or employer to find you worth the headache” My girlfriend will sometimes even find it funny how black and white my thinking can be in even minor areas of life. From the time I was a kid, my brain seems to have two states. Working perfectly, or failing completely.

This issue has ruined my life and honestly I just want to hop in my car and drive away and never talk to anyone i have ever known ever again

@undeadichi

Ай бұрын

You can do that, it may not help but don't discount it. It will lead to more opportunities in ways you might not imagine

@ronchum5178

Ай бұрын

Man I feel that.

Would be glad if you talked about Learned helplessness.

@deltastripes

Жыл бұрын

Agreed^^ it would be very useful

@Christopher-md7tf

Жыл бұрын

The concept of "learned helplessness" is outdated. The scientists that did the original research on this (Seligman and Maier) have, motivated by insights from neuroscience, completely reversed their stance: Passivity in response to shock is the default, unlearned response and overcoming that passivity is learned.

@businessisboomin7252

Жыл бұрын

@@Christopher-md7tf thx for the info.

@trappart9209

Жыл бұрын

Agreed

Writing this in tears and just want to say thank you, this video makes so much sense to me. During all of my childhood and early adult life (29 atm) I've lived with rejection sensitivity and have had difficulties forming relations (friends and/or otherwise). Around christmas 2022 I started meditating, taking walks, working out at home at a very light level cause I wanted to start moving my body more. As of writing this (march 13) I've already seen a pretty substantial improvement in how I interact with people and the funny thing is I didn't even know why that was. It just felt so much more natural somehow, and seeing this video just gave me confirmation I'm finally moving in the right direction. So for me personally, starting with meditation was the way to go, as that made it easier to become your own observer, and not overreacting since you're approaching it from a more collected standpoint mentally. This video is gold and this man spits some real truth here, it's honestly a game changer.

I hope you'll cover rejection sensitivity over the job/career searching process next. The initial job application stage is absolutely mortifying. I often can't get past this first step because the fear of rejection is so intense.

@mokie7421

Жыл бұрын

I've been putting off looking for a job at 21 since I've never done it before. But Im running out of time. My moms the one keeping the apartment afloat by herself with me and my younger brother. I can't be a neet my whole life and not prepare for the future that my mom risked her life to make for me. I just can't shake the fear of rejection and looking like an idiot who dosen't know what hes doing. I'll break down at the slightest inconvenience. I have to before its too late.

@SergheyKatastrofenko

Жыл бұрын

@@mokie7421 I hope it doesn't come out as something bad, but... try to think that you're doing this for yourself, first. If you've ever been on a plane, you've probably noticed that the safety instructions tell you that, before trying to help anyone else with the masks or whatever, you have to make sure you've helped yourself first. I know you must be grateful for everything your mom did for you and you probably feel like you have to pay that back. I don't know what 'too late' means, but it looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself and that prevents you from doing anything. It's a normal response of the brain when faced with pressure. Fight, flight or freeze. Talk to your mom. Try to make a plan together, let her know that you're trying, you want to do it, but you're struggling with it and that she has your support, but you still need hers in understanding your situation. I don't know, just my opinion. A stranger's point of view, I guess.

@danaa7425

Жыл бұрын

@@mokie7421 if it makes you feel any better i am in almost the exact place you're in. You are not alone

@mokie7421

Жыл бұрын

@@danaa7425 thanks. I wish I could sympathize with you. I wish I didn't feel alone after just reading a message telling me im not alone. People like me just don't deserve to be alive or should be alive. If only i got luckier and was born stronger than I wouldn't have to mope like the absolute loser that I am. I appreciate your message.

@VioletEmerald

Жыл бұрын

One thing that I think also helps with this is being surrounded by people who aren't rejecting you. Like the group coaching environment or being cherished in a group of friends or one day in a workplace. It's so much easier to apply to jobs when you truly believe in your own intrinsic worth and know on a deep level that you bring value to the job. You know it's their loss if they don't hire you. It stops hurting in that kind of personal rejection way.

The first time I heard the term Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria was in connection with ADHD, and then again later with autism. For ADHD, it’s one of the few pretty much universal symptoms, due to a combination of emotional dysregulation and impulsivity (Olympic level conclusion jumping) and the negative life experiences that come with being different and being punished for it, by caregivers and society. It’s further compounded by the nearly universal childhood trauma that comes with this constant actual rejection, which reinforces our brain’s tendency to recognize and respond to those patterns of disapproval and rejection from others, as we’re already at a disadvantage when it comes to social situations for a whole spectrum (ha) of reasons, and thus more likely to trigger disapproval in the first place. Our disproportionately high rates of bullying and abuse victimization are no coincidence. RSD lights up the brain the same way physical pain does, sometimes even at just the *thought* that rejection is looming, apart from any actual evidence of it yet, making us even more prone to reacting in ways that become that self-fulfilling prophecy. Even in very stable, loving, healthy families, the outside world is more than capable of inflicting and enforcing this condition on us neurospicy folks, and it’s so important for everyone to be aware of this, so we can learn to recognize it in ourselves and others and put out the fires in our relationships before they spiral out of control. Understanding and empathy are key to healthy relationships, even more so when RSD is involved. ETA: This hypervigilance and misreading of others’ social cues is also especially difficult for ADHD and autistic folks because of our additional struggles in social interactions, making it even more stressful and difficult to read others due to our own baseline differences in social communication to begin with, and especially for ADHD, the compounding effects of inattention making us miss things altogether.

This is the first time I've heard the term "rejection sensitivity" but it definitely reflects how I've navigated the majority of my relationships in life, whether it's family, friends, school, work. You name it. It's tough because I do constantly feel that I'm walking on eggshells. I can almost certainly say my parents caused this through years of overreacting to benign things. My earliest memory was being a kid and telling my mom I didn't like football (the American kind) as much as I liked basketball, baseball, and even bowling. Her reaction was to say she was "disappointed" that I didn't like football. Why I didn't like it as a kid is because my parents would constantly be screaming at the TV whenever the game was on, and if their teams lost, they were in a bad mood for the rest of the day and i was basically left to deal with that emotional baggage. As you mentioned earlier in the video, football games soon became associated with a stressful event, where my parents might get angry. Rather than being able to enjoy the game, I felt that I was just hoping the team would win as a survival mechanism. As I got into my teen years, I developed other hobbies like video games because I just didn't even want to be in the room when the game was going on. I like football now though I don't have a very strong emotional attachment to the sport. I've also inadvertently been working to improve on this. The biggest thing I've done to help with this is to try to change my mindset about it. The mindset I used to have was that i should be responsible for catering to everyone else's feelings. The internal dialogue very much was that I shouldn't be pissing people off, and if there's an issue in the relationship, I need to be the one to make concessions for the sake of the friendship. This is a terrible mindset because you end up conceding on way too much stuff and lose sight of the person that you are. Honestly, I've started looking at it as "well I get pissed off by people all the time, and they don't seem to be willing to make concessions for me" and now I incorporate that mindset more whenever people think it's okay to blatantly disregard my feelings.

I rejected myself last week with your last video about friendzone. Was a great decision , it went well.

@crokeyza-team7257

Жыл бұрын

First comment pog

@crokeyza-team7257

Жыл бұрын

I'm looking into learning how to meet people. Right now i'm in college and i'm not doing anything new, not meeting anyone

@OMAR-vk9pi

Жыл бұрын

What???

@crokeyza-team7257

Жыл бұрын

@@OMAR-vk9pi maybe not the best way to say it . I mean i talked to the about it and i knew they didnt like me before.

@baristaz8834

Жыл бұрын

@@crokeyza-team7257 my honest advice is to join clubs and school activities, and actually engage with them. And if you go to a club based on your interest, you have something to talk about. And if hey organize hangouts later on, make an effort to go because it comes across as you being open and willing to spend time with the group which grows a friendship. I'm an introverted person who kinda sucks at social interactions and cues, but I did make a rule for myself to make friends after covid, so I joined my school's queer club, chess club and a black association club. I met others through preexisting friends. And sometimes I muster up the courage to tell people they look nice or their hair's petty or something, and some start to recognize me from it. It gets so overwhelming sometimes when so many people know me but I met my goal at least😭

Had to listen to this. I am so sensitive to rejection that everytime I got declined for a job apllication (without ever having been interviewed) I would bawl my eyes out for not being good enough. Thankfully I no longer have to deal with that because I have a job; I still fret over my mistakes so yes the "am i going to get fired, is everyone going to hate me?" is accurate.

Just the other day, I forced myself to not react to the cues I’ve trained myself to respond and shut down on at parties. *I sit down, someone stands up, someone is more interested in someone else’s attention than my own* and it was quite enlightening. I liked when he said giving your brain new data because that was my only objective. It made the pressure of expectation less daunting on me. I think instead of having what others have as a chameleon, that on this track I’ll have something to call my own and share one day.

I have rejection sensitivity hardcore, I'm a full grown adult but have lots of trouble dealing with it. I get anxiety thinking my RSD is screwing up my life in ways I can't fix, long or short term. I also don't really have a lot of money so I can't pay for alot, so I have to do this on my own. Even texting a close friend straight up gives me bad anxiety cause I don't want to piss them off even if I know logically they'll probably think, "Oh, it's Hollywood"(my nickname lol). The struggle in my head is real. Low to no self esteem and I seem to be much better at helping other people dealing with this than I am with my own RSD. I just want out of the loop of hurt.

@vorpled

Жыл бұрын

Not that medication is a silver bullet, but I have found a noticeable improvement with it, to the point where I am able to challenge it and better manage it. Not sure what the guidelines are for talking about specific medications in this context, but I think there are only two main ones that may help RSD according to the current research.

I grew up with incredible parents that were very supportive and made sure me and my siblings were well off, but I still experience all of these symptoms and act exactly the way dr. K describes. Can’t understand where it comes from, and that bothers me a lot, it’s hard to fix a problem you don’t really know the root of

@olafthebear2327

Жыл бұрын

Totally grasping at straws here, but it could be from other relationships in childhood that were similarly a bit permanent. Like maybe from classmates, who couldn't just switch classes because they got butthurt about something someone else did. I hope you will find the answers and get to improve the rejection sensitivity

@Ailieorz

Жыл бұрын

Same, mine was from being rejected a lot by other kids growing up. Boys didn't like me because I was a girl, girls didn't like me because I didn't like girly things (this was long before non-binary was a commonly known thing). 40 years and I only now have a group of people I would call friends.

@dane2313198

Жыл бұрын

Actually the root of the problem is not important in this case. As it's not needed to improve! What is important is that you realised that you have rejection sensitivity. Dr K has provided you(us) with some tools on how we can improve. None of these tools require the root of the problem. Good luck!

@cmodom83

7 ай бұрын

I thought it was a little odd that he only talked about parents being the root cause here, because it seems to me that the same thing could stem from kids at school or other members of the family... In my situation I had two older siblings who had me walking on egg shells growing up

@elizabethlee2136

4 ай бұрын

​@@cmodom83 I mean they were your siblings parents too. Its not that anyone needs to take the blame. I know its freeing when your young to blame people... but more along the lines that the way your family was set up made a lot of weird things happen. Seperately parents can love their kids and then also do bad things to them. Its dialectical. And if you let one kid bully your other kids, there will be all kinds of difficulties. Its easy to look at the person who was active bully, or active golden child, but the truth was, parents aren't perfect, and they didn't know how to create a safe enviroment. That environment was what screwed you up. And that actually is no ones fault. WHich is sad to deal with. For years I had a really hard on hate boner for my dad, and while his behavior was unforgiveable and hell he's had a shitty life, he wasn't the only person in that family. And there were unhealthy relationships on every level, that self perpetuated to survive. In a sort of sick homeostasis that exists just to survive. Its a teacher's responsiblity to create a safe environment. Its a parent's responsibility to create a safe environment, but its not a crime to be incompetant at living up to their responsibilities. Its not a pretty truth, but its honest.

Just got diagnosed with ADHD and this accompanied it, I’m grateful to come across this video with all these people sharing their experience with RSD - it genuinely ruined some of the best friendships I had(I say best but more like long lasting).

THANK YOU SO MUCH DR. K ❤ Today, I told my girlfriend that the reason Ive had so much anxiety with the relationship is cos of my rejection sensitivity. We had a nice heart-to-heart about everything and she actually came out and made the first move and told ME that she loves me 😢 I've wanted to tell her for months but I've been too scared cos rejection and abandonment scares me. Seriously, I cannot thank you enough, Dr. K. You have helped me understand my issues better than any therapist or counsellor I've had. You are actually a hero man ❤

I feel like they always put all the emphasis on what happened in the home during childhood but the feedback you receive regarding how you relate to your peers and the world can be JUST as damaging as what happens at home. I believe we get a lot of these issues because of experiencing this stuff inside AND outside the home and there being no escape. I don’t disagree with anything here but every time I listen to discussions around trauma and CPTSD there is very little mention about how impactful and damaging other experiences are in addition to having the screwed up home life in childhood. It was a mess at home but going to school was seriously a battlefield. Heaven forbid you are dealing with any -isms then you are even dealing with crap from adults in childhood. Just a thought I’ve been having.

@raslipmugfrud2040

Жыл бұрын

And during adolescence too

@safelander7811

Ай бұрын

100% doesn't get talked about enough. I grew up in a very supportive home until I was 11 then sent to boarding school so yeah.... Fucked up stuff.

This video actually came at a great time bc I have my therapy session today usually. And something we talked about that isn’t part of the video, but I thought people may find helpful, is that some people (like myself) get defensive rather than fawning, because, at least for me, I just got fucking exhausted of apologizing to everyone for everything. I got sick and tired of feeling wrong, so I doubled down on “I’m right, you’re wrong, and now I’m going to prove it to you”. As a caveat my own rejection sensitivity was not primarily caused by my parents, but rather by one extremely bad relationship during my early teen years (which is when most people develop their skills of forming relationships with each other). The more I apologized to them, the more distant they became and I couldn’t figure out what I did wrong. And with every relationship after (friends mostly), I got more and more exhausted of blaming myself, so instead I blamed the people around me. Neither of these things are an appropriate reaction. I’ve learned and grown from these experiences, but for people out there who feel like facts 1 and 2 resonate but 3 doesn’t, this might be relevant to your experience.

@angelique3636

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for adding that; was looking for it. I rather get devensive too (and offended, in my case. Maybe narcissistic...). But the underlying problem is the same as explained in the video. Do you know of any books, etc. talking about this issue?

I have rejection sensitivity to this day because when I was undiagnosed Adhd as a kid(In the 1970’s) I would make a mistake at school and others would either laugh or get angry with me for being”careless” or just “stupid.” I just assume others are still judging me when I’m sure I am the one who is sensitive now. Thank you for this video; I had an epiphany watching it.

I have an 8 year old who is showing major signs of rejection sensitivity. I’m well aware that members of our house are the root cause of that as they have been called out for literally saying, “I only treat you like that because of how you act.” We moved back into my mother’s home two and a half years ago after I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis, I lost my ability to walk without aid, and because of how aggressive my disease is, I had to stop working and move in with my mother while I try to get on disability so that I can support myself and child on a part time income and work with accommodations. The big struggle here is that my younger sister (21) also lives here with her child, she doesn’t work, and is home all the time. The child is almost 2 and he and my son are very close. But the mom is an actual demon. She’s terrible to both kids, mine and her own, and treats me and my mother poorly as well, but my mom won’t put her foot down and tell her to leave because that’s her child and grandchild, and any time she confronts her, it leads to a screaming match between them with us shut in the room trying to keep my son distracted. I do my best to keep him away from her, but she’s the mother of his cousin who he feels very attached to so he won’t avoid her completely because he wants to be around his cousin and if he’s not playing with him and keeping him distracted, she’s screaming at the baby and spanking him every 20 minutes. So I guess all that was to say, what can I do to help him through this difficult time so these sensitivities don’t carry on in his life?

When rejection is all you ever know, & you come to a moment of horrific clarity & you realize it's all you'll ever know? 1) that'll drive anyone mad & 2) it speaks volumes about society. Absolutely none of it good.

The part where Dr k. Talks about ready perception really hits home for me it's one of my biggest issues. When I get a neutral response from someone I almost always assume the worst and assume that the person hates me or dislikes me I think once I finish uni this year and start making an income again I'm gonna see a therapist and bring up these specific issues. Thanks Dr K.

The toxic relationships that create this mental programming really are the worst. It isn't just upbringing; bad intimate relationships can create this adaptation too.

@jsh5743

9 ай бұрын

True. And there are two commonly extreme reactions. One being overapologetic and appeasing. And another reaction where there is defensive anger. Both extremes are unhelpful and harmful. Like he said, the pause.. Is key. Time to move out of the activated emotional body and into a calm rational emotionally regulated response instead of the toxic quick reaction.

Does anyone else have this, but the fear isn't that they're gonna leave, but that they figured out I'm someone vulnerable and they will stick around for as long as they can to abuse me, take advantage of me and/or that they will do something to hurt me (for example, i'm afraid of speaking to peers like classmates or coworkers because i'm afraid they will use whatever information they get out of me to fuck me over.) I always asses the threat level every time I interact with someone. Please tell me about your experiences, especially if you have made some progress in this area.

@RobeezyLoudenProud

Жыл бұрын

When I started my current job, that’s how I had felt about my supervisor. It felt like he was just milking me for iterations of the check process, and wouldn’t communicate clearly enough in his markups how he wanted the sketch fixed, so I had felt like he was doing that on purpose just to get me to call him to talk about my corrections. Keep in mind, he was also the QA/QC lead for the group, and they would have weekly meetings to update standards and what the clients needs are. I was able to find courage picking my battles with him, and eventually I got a better opportunity within the same company with a much better supervisor.

@LorrdiRockz

Жыл бұрын

internet rando here giving an anonymous opinion that shouldn't be taken at face value cause it might be just projecting: sounds to me that deep down you are rejecting yourself - that you yourself at some level think you deserve to be fucked over (maybe due to past experiences, or getting this self image injected into you early on). that if somebody gets to know the real you, they will soon pick up on that truth you try to hide, and do just that. so assessing and working on your self worth might be helpful. being more kind to yourself, accepting who you are and where you are at in life. exploring what made you feel that way in the first place and processing it. gaining confidence. to me, the thought that started to help was that I am responsible for my own emotions, and I get to decide what I let affect me. the real truth is that nobody can fuck me but myself, and I can choose not to. nobody has the power to truly hurt me, aside from me. it's not like accepting this thought makes me magically invulnerable, but it helps me be less anxious and more willing to give the benefit of the doubt to others. like, bird not afraid of the branch breaking kind of stuff.

@SkyFlakes9504

Жыл бұрын

I’m sad to say I feel the same but have made no progress in feeling better about it. If I just meet people in the moment I do surprisingly well, but if I know I’m going to be working with this person for a while I start to almost profile them and assess how to properly interact with them to get their best reactions, instead of actually focusing on the important work. But I think most students at least dont give a damn about other people, especially in college, it’s unrealistic to think they would be out to get me before actually getting to know them, and yet i still do it lol. Like I have to logically reason why someone would have no reason to do the awful things I think they could do. For example why would this person purposefully fail this group project with me if it meant they only got to see me fail?

@danaa7425

Жыл бұрын

@@SkyFlakes9504 yeah, exactly, if i know this person doesnt have to be in my life, some of the pressure is off. The problems occur with people i have no other choice but to interact with, like family, coworkers, landlords, my friends' other friends, bosses, etc) or they hold some power over me, like medical professionals, cops even uber drivers. Thank you for sharing. I know it sucks, but it's very nice to know that I'm not alone.

@danaa7425

Жыл бұрын

@@RobeezyLoudenProud man, im really sorry, sounds like your former supervisor is a pretty bad manager and im glad to hear you don't have to work with them anymore. It really sounds like your boss was the problem, whereas im 70% sure that 70% of the problem lies with the way i view things. Sounds like you were pretty justified in thinking your boss had it out for you, because he either did, or has a management style that fosters this kind of tense environment. Unclear directions + frequent feedback meeting where you get told to redo all of your work = *shivers* Im very glad to hear you were able to deal with him and now you don't have to anymore. Best of luck running into good people ❤️

I *really* struggle with rejection sensitivity, and have spent my life since childhood learning to read people's emotions and intentions... but I didn't have a bad family growing up! I can't think of any specific people I needed to be careful around as a child... it was just "people in general" that I wanted to learn to please... no idea why. So I relate to all of this, except for where it comes from. Weird!

@MrLevtastic

Жыл бұрын

@rosie I'm waiting to be assessed for autism spectrum disorder, so yeah it totally could stem just from how autistic brains process other people's emotions differently!

@inathi1329

Жыл бұрын

You should look at Patrick Teahan's youtube channel I'm sure it'll help you❤. There's something called tricky families where abuse and neglect aren't obvious but still happened. When people recall life with tricky families they believe they weren't traumatized until they engage with their childhood through the lense of a childhood trauma therapist. Also, most people dont remember their childhoods. Patrick has been a wonderful help for me to piece together what happened to me in childhood

@akpokemon

Жыл бұрын

ADHD then

@oggyboggy8692

Жыл бұрын

Maybe you had a hard time with classmates? I did, wasn't bullied but outcast. Good parents, though my dad also I rejection sensitive!

@MrLevtastic

Жыл бұрын

@@oggyboggy8692 ooh that feels like it might be true, yeah - I did struggle with getting other kids to like me at first, until I learned to read them better

This video made me realise that my problem is not that I don't blame myself enough but that I blame myself all the time. 😅 And the solution is not to blame myself even more, but to blame myself less. Thank you Dr. K

I feel weird because i never thought my parents were abusive in any way, but my dad did compare me and my siblings to other kids often, and was just really hard to impress or get approval from. Sometimes he would yell at us for doing stupid things, or having no common sense (though there’s no way i could have known some things without someone teaching me in the first place). Then my mom was an angel, just the complete opposite, and so I’m confused as to how i ended up with severe rejection therapy. I’m actively avoidant of some people because I’m afraid things will go bad, and now it’s been a month since i’ve spoken with them, I don’t want that, in fact i want to have a great relationship with them. I just felt like speaking this out into the world for some reason so if you read this thanks and have a good day man

@progressivedragon6664

Жыл бұрын

You were bullied by your father… That would definitely contribute to the rejection sensitivity

This is pretty much my experience summed up perfectly, I was constantly on the alert to try and stop my Dad flying into a rage at me for the tiniest things. Slowly healing in therapy and learning I don’t have to walk eggshells around people

This makes so much sense for me. I grew up with narcissistic parents, and I learn how to dissapear from reality so easily and I get used to avoid problems just withdrawing. I always blamed myself because no one told me its a survival mechanism that should be re-learned and how to re-learn it, I only thought about myself I'm lazy and a coward. Now it brought me the level of problems I don't know how to deal with, because I had withdrawn from my friends for years and still think they won't forgive me for that I abandon them. I also always thought how is it possible that my personality traits contradicts to each other. I can easily organize myself, follow schedule, don't miss deadlines etc., but sometimes I gave up for no reason. It's scary to accept that I just learned that somewhere in childhood that "better do not try and dissapear, to not bother others and you bring only problems". It's self distracting behaviour which can bring thoughts about ending life at all.

@cualter

Жыл бұрын

I really resonate with the conflict emerging from the seemingly contradicting personality traits that you pointed out. Whenever I have a negative episode in which I withdraw, I always wonder how I could be mostly hardworking and conscientious but at times completely drop the ball and disappear. I don't properly trust myself because of this and I realize now that this affects all my relationships as I'm always anticipating that I'll disappoint someone eventually in a big way.

@furowowo

Жыл бұрын

YOH WHAT i think this explains how yea I could be organized so much But then suddenly give up and "disappear" I feel like it is linked to feeling negative and its a coping mechanism I learned somewhere in my childhood

this is so close to home it kinda feels awkward. the only thing that worries me is maybe that rejection sensitivity came from external environments, not from home (school, kindergarten, playground), but idk if that's even possible. even while writing this i'm thinking 'what they're gonna think about me and about my english?' . i'm picky with my words and phrases and this is so, soo tiring thanks for the tips, dr k! i'll definitely keep them in mind

My daughter was like this from birth. If anyone else held her besides me, she'd cry and pull to me like I was rejecting her. By the time she was a toddler, if we ever said the word "No" (sternly or calmly), she'd instantly start crying. She's never woken up in the middle of the night to bother us (whereas her brothers do frequently). One time she got sick and threw up on the carpet upstairs. She was so worried about appearing like she made a mistake (at 3!!!), she got toilet paper and tried desperately to clean it up. When that didn't work, she covered it all up with books. When she took her first soccer class at 4, if the moms started laughing about something (their own kids, never her), she would fall to the ground and freeze, refusing to get up and play because she thought they were laughing at her. It's been so heartbreaking to raise someone that is so afraid of being seen as weak, but she's getting stronger with each year. I know how to help her because I was and am the same way! I just hope we can get her to where I am at 35 faster than I got here. Thanks for the video!

@trackee2024

2 ай бұрын

4:58 I wonder if there's some element of heredity to this? My mom had a horrible mother and was very rejection sensitive, as am I, as is my daughter. However, me and my daughter were never made to feel like a burden in our homes or that we needed to manage anyone else's emotions.

Dr.K just read the fuck outta me. But I’m honestly very grateful for it. Here’s to being becoming a more secure and healthy individual! Thank you!!!

Common phrase from my dad when I was a kid comes to mind: "Please try not to make Mom mad."

This explains a lot. I behave with women I am interested in and friends the same way I had to behave with my dad as a child or teen. I always felt like walking on eggshells and I was hypersensitive to his unpredictable moods.

I first learned that I would not be loved unless I was perfect from my mother I lived alone with. I was never able to be the child she wanted. So I was never worthy of unconditional love

Wow. This is something I've totally forgotten I have. I have social anxiety and as Dr.K was talking, I realized that rejection is a major part of it. Hell, it's probably THE reason. Thank you for this Doc.

One thing I love about your videos, you use words like "ours" instead of "them", makes these videos a lot more friendly to people suffering from mental health problems :)

The best advice I got was giving other people the opportunity to like me for me. I used to adapt my behaviour and mannerisms to make everyone around me comfortable. I got depressed because I felt like no one knew me. I was lonely. I was not severely rejection sensitive to others, but I was to myself. I think that was because when I was harder on myself than my mother, she knew she didn’t need to express her disappointment for my behaviour to change. But I realised in uni that if I wanted someone to know me, I had to let them know me and not just the part of me that best suited them. I was anxious about it at first, but if I gave them the opportunity to know me and they still stayed around, it was so much easier to relax into myself.

This video felt like a clear, clean sign on the highway in a blizzard

Mindfulness helped me lean into the rejection, in a way accept it as not a good or bad thing, just a thing. The book "30 Days to Overcome Rejection" by Harper Daniels helped.

As i was watching this i felt so much pain, bc i started looking back at all the times i displayed this kind of behaviour, and realize all the potential and actual relationships i’ve screwed up…also knowing where it comes from is so frustrating, bc there’s nothing you can do about the past now. Hopefully dr. K’s tips will lead to an improvement over time..

Would love to see a part 2 on this topic, covering how rejection sensitivity affects other parts of one’s life and delving deeper into some solutions. :)

Although i grew up with rejection sensativity, which i will be very vague about considering the video, i am proud with myself. I am only 19 and yet ive identified these behaviors (hyper emotion, being invisible, noticing immediate negative stimuli in household, social interaction difficulty, etc). I am commenting on how I am proud of myself because i'd like readers to know that he's 100% right, and ive lived it to say he is! For example: I identified these behaviors, instinctively found his answers in my own experience, and daily enforce safety systems!! He is 100% right on the neutral stimulus, and im so proud that i was able to find the right answers in my own way. I meditate, i let neutrality in my life, and i now can dim my emotions and think rationally when interacting. I thoroughly hope everyone can recover as i have on my own. Many thanks for anyone reading and i hope myself, and the video, escalates your growth!!

i needed this so much. this was all word for word me and i knew all this was the case but to hear someone say it who knows what theyre talking about is so relieving

As many of the other comments have said I was raised by a very ill OCD, bipolar step-father, and a meek people pleasing mother (who I love dearly but she wasn't bold enough to get her kids away from my step dad). I am absolutely terrified of how I am perceived by others, maybe from the years of being torn down as a child. My initial appearance to someone is a barrier to making new friends and relationships. After a couple interactions I become myself, and relax, and can have healthy relationships, however getting across the hurdle of first impressions is something I havent been able to do in a social setting for years now. I have work friends, and am a well-liked manager where I work, but I've been single since 2017, and havent made a new friend in a couple years as well. I like that this video wasn't "5 ways to approach people" or something. This is step one, being educated as to what the problem is. If I can identify the problem (which this video helped) I can take steps to improve. Thanks as always Dr K!

Another BANGER from Dr. K, I am everything you described in this video and I only recently discovered the concept of emotional maturity and now rejection sensitivity. I've felt a very powerful shift within my own mind ever since learning about how my childhood experiences shaped who I am today, and while I know I still have lots of work to do to become emotionally mature and not as rejection sensitive, I feel more hopeful about my future than I ever have!

Thanks a lot. What I really appreciate in your videos is - how clearly you explain things...It all makes so much sense after your explanations

Amazing! Hits so close to home... Thank you for giving a name to my feelings.

It would be great to learn about Dr K's perspective about rejection sensitivity developed as a result of peer ostracization and how to overcome it.

Watching your videos I now understand why and how I've screwed up my relationships with people. But that brings up a new level of sadness and self blame, and thoughts about what could have been if I hadn't had those problems then... And also some anger toward my parents.. who I thought I finally had a good relationship with as an adult.. But I also try to acknowledge that they tried their best and they then carried their own trauma..

@shiva_689

9 ай бұрын

and you tried your best to cope with a difficult situation

Thank you so much for this video, Dr. K.

Thank you for this knowledge. I’m so grateful to you

Thank you so much for creating this awesome community, man. This is, without any doubt, the most wholesome place on the internet. Your videos help me a lot in this journey I've started recently to repair some trauma, and this one has revealed a whole new point of view. I grew up in a home where one parent would punish any little imperfection while the other would not really care at all about anything. Two extremes that are very toxic in their own way. I've been told that I was ungrateful for the roof over my head and the food they gave me and that probably made me feel like I had to earn them (when someone tells you how ungrateful you are for something you start thinking if you are worth getting them). My feelings and opinions were always invalid, so I learned that the best way to get through life is to shut up. This is what anxiety and fear of rejection is and they're really tough to live with. I'm unable to have really close friends, as soon as things get a little bit serious I start thinking I'll eventually screw it up. And I do, usually. It's the same with romantic relationships. Have never kept one for more than a few months. Reading the comments, I realize it's a common experience for people that are (mostly) my age, but the good thing is that now we can all learn together. Our parents were probably fucked up by their parents, so now we can break that chain by discovering ways to do better and be more compassionate. To those who still have doubts about going to therapy... definitely do it. Use these insights in discussing your situation with someone. You'll learn so much about yourself that you had no idea of. Because sometimes (as is my case) this toxic environment prevents you from knowing your true self, being taught you shouldn't ask questions, so you become whatever your caregivers say you are, so you don't upset them. Again, huge thanks Dr. K. Right now, I'll have my next therapy session in 2 hours and I can't wait to talk about this with my therapist. With Love.

@ranc1977

Жыл бұрын

👆👍💘

This helps me a lot thanks Dr. K! I used to think I had to stay invisible because women in society are supposed to be docile, get along with the group etc but it actually started because my mom has depression and I never wanted her to be upset by anything I said or did and my dad just hated kids entirely and only wanted to know adults who are "functional" ie not children who are learning and growing up to try and be that way eventually so I pretty much avoided people til middle school when the environment was fun and you could goof around a little before high school classes. In my 20s, it came swooping back though. Hopefully I can relax a little around people before my 40th bday in 3 years!~

All this sounds too familiar and relatable, thank you for making this video! Everything makes so much more sense!

Life-changing! Thank you so much.

Come on, why is the upload timing is so good. I am currently struggling this exact moment right now. I am falling in love again for the first time in the last 7 years of wallowing from my fear of rejections and I'm struggling because I have to also focus on my career (planning to immigrate and will undergo a full reset in life). Debating if I choose to just fuel this emotion as an inspiration and focus all of my energies on my career growth and set boundaries that we can only be friends or embrace this feeling and make an effort to reciprocate her advances and seriously ask her out

Dr K you know exactly how I feel and then you make a video about that. I am lucky that I have an amazing romantic relationship, but I really struggle with work relationships. And friendships sometimes..

Can't thank dr k and his team enough, so helpful with these relatable issues.

This channel is amazing, your explanations are so clear yet also empowering

I wonder how much schooling environments play into this as well. I have OCD which doesn't help this situation regarding the bits of negativity at home (overall, it was a pretty good environment), but I found school to be where a lot of the struggles came in. This was especially present when getting in trouble for something I didn't do, such as telling someone who wouldn't stop talking to me during class that I am trying to listen to the teacher so please stop talking to me atm.

So I feel like a lot of these challenges apply to me. I don't remember my household being that chaotic as a child, but there are some things that mightve contribute to creating my tendency to always worry that I've upset someone. Although after being diagnosed autistic in my 40s, I'm able to see how often I'm misinterpreting information/ situations. And ALL of my romantic relationships I've wondered "am I in trouble?" A lot; doing my best and not understanding why/how I've upset them

Amazing video. Working so hard to work through this for myself and people I’m close with

I have a very heart beating situation when I am shamed while getting rejected.

I always had to walk on eggshells around my dad growing up because if you say something, he could potentially take it the wrong way and explode into an instant rage while tearing you down with absolute statements like “you are this or that”. That was his way of trying to correct your behavior that he assumed you were displaying but he was about 80% wrong

How do you get into "neutral social situation" when people tend to give you negative feedback most of the time when you show your true self? e.g.. when you are neurodiverse (autism, ADHD etc.).

I love you man...your changing my life daily... I swear every time I open youtube there is another video I need to see... ty brother.

Thank you so much Dr K !

That‘s me 100%. Today a waiter forgot to open up my water bottle. (Those that need an opener) I somehow was embarrassed about the situation. I was thinking it was somehow my fault and that I better not ask him for the opener. Well in the end he apologized but still somehow I blamed myself. Because those situations are typically me. I don‘t know how to deal with them.

@Alesanascreamokid

Жыл бұрын

❤ youre too good for this world

@LaNoireDetruit

Жыл бұрын

What sometimes helps me is looking at the situation as if it wasn't me but my friend in the situation: What would I think about them? What would I advise them to do? Would I blame my friend for the waiter not opening the bottle? Or would I be pissed at the waiter? (a bit strong in this example, but you get the point). Usually this roleplay helps shift my negative feelings towards myself into a more healthy direction.

@stellasternchen

Жыл бұрын

@@LaNoireDetruit Thanks for the advice. I‘ll try the next time I‘m feeling like this.

@brightspacebabe

9 ай бұрын

Just be polite and say excuse me, but could you open this water for me? It is part of his job; we all forget things. I know it is hard, but you do nothing wrong, you are paying for that water and can’t drink it. Believe me, you being assertive and nice to him is a ray of sunlight in the usual day of a server. He has so many rude and even verbally abusive customers to deal with. You can tell others what you need.❤

This is super interesting, because I feel very strongly that I've experienced this throughout my life (I feel it's a large reason of why I struggle with finding confidence and trust in relationships, both romantic and platonic), yet my parents never really did anything that fell into what he talked about being major causes. They're both loving and strong people. I'd be curious to see what the possible triggers could have been in my life- I don't remember always struggling with those feelings.

@anabolicchicken4115

11 ай бұрын

I've heard neurodivergents have trouble with this as well. Either way don't blame yourself, it is what it is, work on the issue and eventually you'll solve it.

thank you so much Dr.K.

Thank you for your most informative and helpful video!

9:56 - So how do we pull people back in once we created some distance and they are pissed off by our avoidant behavior?

@Lebigcheez

Ай бұрын

Be humble, live truthfully, and be hopeful that they will forgive. True friends always will.

It's a weird thing. After countless years of always being highly sensitive to criticism and such, now I'm actually starting to enjoy experiences where I'm put out of my comfort zone. It makes me feel alive. Yeah, I've had a boring life.

This is incredibly helpful, this put into words what I felt for so long, this made me realize what I am dealing with, it gave it a shape and made understand why it is there. Thank you.

Thank you very much for the video! 🤗

It’s interesting because for me, I can handle big rejections well, such as getting turned down from a job offer, or getting outright rejected by a woman. I do well for this, and I can even take constructive criticism well. For me though, I just have a high fear and anxiety that I may be doing behaviors that are leading up to these rejections. So I do tend to see neutral stimuli as negative, and judge myself almost constantly to prevent rejection. I’m also really sensitive to disrespect from others. But like I said, I can handle big, outright rejections from people pretty well. Anybody else have this experience?

@jari5230

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, it's kinda like that for me aswell. I can take rejections and get over them quite fast, but high fear and anxiety leads up to that point. For me it's also dependent on the situation of the social interaction and my "role". The more personal and "mask-off" it gets, the more anxious I get, while I do not have any problems whatsoever in professional situations like job interviews for example.

@kyubbi1017

Жыл бұрын

that’s kinda like me , I can handle rejections I’ve handled rejections so many times so much scenarios but my mind catastrophizes it every time even tho I know that I’ll brush it off it’s weird