An avoidant partner can make even the most sane person felling anxious and insecure

@Ooooouccchhh

3 жыл бұрын

Damn! Well put

@abhishekkumarswain9213

3 жыл бұрын

Very true

@yoginiiii

3 жыл бұрын

1000000%

@fakeotaku5788

3 жыл бұрын

And an anxious partner can make even the kindest person feel like an asshole and guilty.

@stephanieh5478

3 жыл бұрын

Low key feel that's what happened with my ex. Always felt secure, I became anxious!

When the anxious partner becomes avoidant, the avoidant partner becomes anxious.

@marcadler5356

3 жыл бұрын

@@kurtlamprecht93 So what?...

@reyr.7439

3 жыл бұрын

Yes but when they get back together after a few week it's back to where it was.

@dlizzy3835

3 жыл бұрын

@@kurtlamprecht93 it’s pretty much what the video says.

@supersarah5673

3 жыл бұрын

Story of my life

@supersarah5673

3 жыл бұрын

You clearly haven’t been in an anxious avoidant relationship because this is exactly how they are

Being an avoidant feels like being cursed. You can't fulfill your partner's needs, you can't even meet your own needs, and you're labeled as the villain as a general rule.

@olarmariusalex

Жыл бұрын

great description

@anonplussedhuman2615

Жыл бұрын

I've spent a lot of time with two avoidant men and it used to anger me. Now in retrospect I have more empathy because both are still alone cycling through woman after woman. That just is so sad to never feel truly connected.

@Whyyy3

Жыл бұрын

My avoidant ex gf broke up with me a few days ago bc of this. I’ve always been extremely empathetic, understanding, patient, and kind towards her feelings/perspective bc she couldn’t even understand her own needs/feelings…with anything in her life not just in our relationship. I’m also very introverted and understood her need for space and always gave it it to her while being self aware of my impulse to cling. I did it to the point where I started to ignore my own needs for her security and in her own words later on “was making a lot of excuses for her”. I think when I finally reached my breaking point (and we had multiple talks before then) she told me she had to take a hard look at herself and realized she wasn’t meeting my needs and hurting me/making me feel so alone in the process. I don’t see her as the villain I don’t think I ever could. I understand the consequence of us dealing with the repercussions of childhood trauma in adulthood creates. And I just hope she can get the help she needs to heal and understand herself and be truly happy one day.

@crisshaunnelson-jackson9534

Жыл бұрын

UUUUGH MY HEART! This. All the way this

@paulohenriquemelo3062

Жыл бұрын

​​@@anonplussedhuman2615 I guess that is the general feeling all have when get over avoidants.

I was entangled with an avoidant for 6 years or so. Looking back they never actually did anything against me, I did it all to myself, I abandoned myself, I sacrificed myself, I gave and gave and kept returning to someone who never had me captured in their basement. I was free and I chose to do all this. Once I started to turn that love and care and understanding and compassion towards me instead of them everything changed. I became insensitive to their breadcrumbs and re established a healthy relationship with myself. I stopped blaming them and just viewed them as someone on my patth towards self discovery. They were just a character in the movie and I was the leading actress again. We are always in charge of our own feelings, behaviours and decisions.

@codesalty9659

Жыл бұрын

You know I went through something similar. Recently my partner broke up with me after being together for 6 years, this was the third time she has done that. But this time it took her 5 months to actually have a decent conversation with me and consider getting back together. The thing is I came to the conclusion that we would only be hurting each other with how incompatible we were regarding our attachment style, and I decided to put a stop to it.

@sunbeam9222

Жыл бұрын

@@codesalty9659 yes. I think it's very unlikely ( although not impossible) for both partners to heal while together. I went and did the work on myself. Years later I heard that they had just started to admit their issues also and started working on themselves. I had lost interest for them as a partner by then. We only bonded while unhealed. Once healing, he just became to me someone that I used to know. No attraction left whatsoever.

@thanditembo3057

Жыл бұрын

how did you start loving yourself and all.Please help.

@thanditembo3057

Жыл бұрын

how did you start loving yourself and all.Please help.

@sunbeam9222

Жыл бұрын

@@thanditembo3057 you don't love yourself right away. You first need to go through a phase of accepting yourself. Stop rejecting yourself. The way you do it I would say is look at yourself from an external point of view. How a stranger would. It's not fair to be so hard on ourselves. If we can be kind and encouraging and loving and accepting to other people, although they're not perfect at all, we owe to ourselves the same courtesy. We need to stop being an enemy to ourselves and become a friend. Replace critical voice inside by a soothing encouraging one that always says: it's ok, you are doing your best, carry on, I love you. Eventually acceptance turns to love and eventually we fully enjoy who we are. Wishing you all the best with everything x

You've just described the relationship between me and my cat

@jaycieluvsyah

5 жыл бұрын

I love you

@crystalianike

5 жыл бұрын

man! ahha

@smilk3234

5 жыл бұрын

by cat you mean Doddie?

@dinaisis2991

5 жыл бұрын

Same; I call my boyfriend kitty, very similar to the feline species and he's the avoidant.

@contactjenmarie

5 жыл бұрын

Yes!

Avoid this hell at all costs. One of the worst emotional rollercoasters you’ll ever go through. The breakups are chaotic and soul crushing.

@anakulic4143

3 жыл бұрын

my friend is currently going through this and I told her it won't last, but she won't listen

@Werksonek

3 жыл бұрын

@@adjjal How did it turn out to be? :(

@MrTuttiFrutti

3 жыл бұрын

@@adjjal Exactly the same story here, been with my gf for about 2 years and a half, lived together on and off with ups and downs. Red flags were there almost from the beginning, couldn't or didn’t want to see them and listen to the people around warning me about them. The infatuation phase is blinding and also doesn't help that in the beginning they're trying to win you over, just to pull back when you drop your guard down and let them in. After that it's more difficult to break up, but it's inevitable, living in a constant state of hope for change is horrible, it never comes, it affects you on every level, doubting, overthinking everything and the lack of communication is exasperating. I noticed that couple of times when we tried to distance ourselves or breakup she would change to get back with me, but it was just temporary as she would go back to her previous behaviour. It's never ending cycle that we have to be strong enough to break for our own sanity, if not, from securely attached we can easily end up becoming anxious.

@fayate_6984

3 жыл бұрын

fucking facts.

@PriyankaGupta-ew1li

3 жыл бұрын

It's been 2 years I left that avoidant aka demon... Nvr have been more happier and calmer😌🙏🏻🦋✌🏻❤❤🤗 Also I dont give a shit that it cost me 6 years of hell.. I Got my Sanity back y'all!! 😌❤🤗🦋🙏🏻✌🏻 Fuck you avoidants..y'all hv no heart and no Empathy🖕🏻🤬

I have an avoidant ex, I blamed his lack of emotion for all of our issues, then I discovered within myself, not only do I have an anxious attachment style, I am also emotionally distant at times, toxic and have narcissistic traits. I am now doing the work internally to become secure through pray, healing and self internalization.

@lb2696

Ай бұрын

That’s beautiful thag you are taking responsibility to work on your self and grow. Keep going!

@rashidarowe7882

Ай бұрын

@@lb2696 that man was not an avoidant , he is a full blown narcissist who has made my life hell, the traits are similar so i could not tell at first.

@whitneysause

Ай бұрын

Celebrating you!

@Treemaster16

16 күн бұрын

Wow a woman capable of self reflection a rare find

This video had my jaw on the floor, because every single beat was exactly how my last relationship went. I used to regret breaking up with my avoidant partner, but I had a feeling things wouldn’t change no matter what happened. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t going crazy. He wasn’t a bad guy by any means-we just weren’t good for each other.

@user-lt1jd1ye3v

8 ай бұрын

100% same. I had to do the same thing (after too long) and my partner was avoidant

@jemellee

7 ай бұрын

my ex was an avoidant (and im the anxious one) and we both agreed that we werent good for each other anymore. it really sucks but we couldn't fulfill each other's needs anymore. we literally were beating around the bush about breaking up for a while before it finally exploded

@dragongal394

7 ай бұрын

feeling this, my avoidant partner just broke up with me a month ago and im starting to realize we are just not fit for each other

@krunalbhatt110

6 ай бұрын

Please help me i am facing the same crisis, it's going nuts in my head and regret that i couldn't convince her enough ! It's turning into suicidal thoughts for me.😢

@kwbaby4297

3 ай бұрын

@@jemelleethis really sucks, like really.

I feel personally attacked by this video

@alineuwiragiye7704

5 жыл бұрын

Me too but it's better knowing the truth and getting one time hurt then always blaming other people and never knowing why.

@laurenevam6305

5 жыл бұрын

@@MercenaryFox harlot really? That's what you go with

@Takokujin07

5 жыл бұрын

MercenaryFox lol we need to start using harlot more instead of T H O T

@Deutschebahn

5 жыл бұрын

I LOLed

@elblondie69falconer65

5 жыл бұрын

Sorry but you just made me laugh out loud.

You know what’s tricky? When an avoidant partner looks great on paper and does all the right things in terms of caring for you on the exterior (cooks, cleans) but gives you barely anything emotionally. It’s a mind fuck. You should be content, yet an ache to be heard & seen & connected with is so deep & excruciating

@stephelisabeth3143

3 жыл бұрын

Fluffyclouds I know this all too well

@00008327

3 жыл бұрын

I went through this myself..def a mindf**k

@sgf147

3 жыл бұрын

Omg, absolutely true. uncanny. I broke up with an avoidant three months ago and couldn't agree more. Very responsible in theory but deeply damaged and distant emotionally. I am so afraid it may happen again in future relationships. I still get triggered when I see this relationship dynamic depicted in shows, couples around me, etc. It's awful but hopefully it won't traumatize me for good.

@RafaelLeandrosid

3 жыл бұрын

You described my mother...

@fluffyclouds555

3 жыл бұрын

@@RafaelLeandrosid I hear you. I described my own mother too. We can tend to end up in these same dynamics over and over again as it is what is familiar. That’s my story anyway.

I started the relationship i was last in secure, but she was extremely avoidant and after 8/9 months I became the anxious attachment type, 9 months after that she ended it after i again told her she was being distant and i didn't feel loved. It's been over a month now without contact. The most important lesson i've learned is to find someone emotionally mature and compatible

@DaxVerus

Жыл бұрын

I'm fresh out of a 7 year relation and the hardest part is learning that it's okay to long for the emotions and safety and feelings but that if I didn't 100% feel secure or compatible that it's not healthy to force it to work. It's a hard thing to swallow, so many emotions all over the place. I hope one day to be mentally mature enough to talk to them again as adults and just talk, maybe create a friendship, maybe just learn from each other

@gytisbernotas1610

Жыл бұрын

i am an avoidant and my ex (i suspect) is anxiously attached. I couldn't deal with her needs to be close, which kept going closer and closer and closer. her stating an ultimatum, which was supposed to bring us even closer made it much easier to leave as i knew i will never be able to tolerate, or even fulfill, the demands (plus, an ultimatum). it was very painful to hear that i am not doing enough, that i am distant or cold, while I was already at my limits giving her my all. it felt like all i was doing was unappreciated, because she couldn't even comprehend what i was already doing was so hard to do. in the end it's okay, i hope she will become happy with someone else, while i am exploring myself. i am not sure whether i am emotionally mature or not, but i wanted to share how i, the avoidant, feel in a relationship.

@DOUGHBOYBeatz

Жыл бұрын

Do you hear what you’re saying though? You were in a relationship with someone. In a relationship that’s on the right track, ppl are naturally supposed to become closer together. So why was that so hard to handle? Did you not want a relationship deep down?

@Mmjk_12

Жыл бұрын

@@DOUGHBOYBeatz Because I was able to deal with her distance for a long time, when it occured to me that she wasn't opening up and willing to get closer it changed my attachment style to lean more anxious. She still hasn't reached out, it's been nearly 3 months but I am at a point of indifference. I'm happier and have invested the time otherwise spent with her into hobbies, friendships, university etc.

@Mmjk_12

Жыл бұрын

@@gytisbernotas1610 Might have been something similar to my ex, I don't know to what extent you would consider yourself avoidant, my ex was a good person but wasn't great at communicating at all, didn't initiate physical things, never said 'I love you' apart from in the middle of intimacy or when she drunk on a night out via text. Never complimented me. Despite loving her and not wanting the relationship to end I was so unhappy. In the 3 months of being single, I'm in a better state of mind not worrying, the few people I've been with since have made me feel more wanted in one night than that whole relationship. Perhaps in the next few weeks/months I will start going on dates again but I'm enjoying the progress and freedom.

For me, being with an avoident partner just made me uneasy. The lack of verbal openness I found to be incredibly lonely, frustrating, awkward and frequently boring. It was always SO QUIET around her. We would go out to dinner and there be hardly any conversation unless i kept the ball rolling. No deep or even semi deep conversations without a lot of assistance from me. If the conversation got too deep she would shut down. I wanted to note that i do not need continous converation to feel content. I am okay with comfortable silences. But this was next level. We could go on a road trip for 3 hours and she could go the entire distance without saying a word. It was awkwardly quiet!!!! She showed me love in different ways but for me, to feel emotional intimacy and true connection, both parties need to be open and vulnerable for each other. This was a hard thing for her do because of her childhood trauma. It's tragic and I tried to help. I was extremely patient. I would try gently offering love through verbal words and closeness when she was down. But she didn't seem like she even wanted or needed them. I would then distance myself to let her come to me but most the time that did not happen. She would suppress and internalize everything. Furthermore, she had the inability to recognize and comfort me when i was scared or sad. It hurt and made me feel unloved and lonely. It made it impossible to form a meaningful long term partnership. Throughout our relatioship together, I would get short little glimpses of her without the trauma interfering. Especially if she drank alcohol. She was beautiful, she was radiant. But they were only glimpses. That huge wall she kept up would always return blocking true connection. It was incredibly hard for me. We tried couples counseling for six months and it made no difference. I hope she finds herself and is at peace one day.

@csemionov

Жыл бұрын

Your post made me really pensive as I identify myself and my current relationship in your stories (however it is not so much lack of communication to us, as it is her way of showing love, care and respect if I may). I still don’t know what to do. I feel like I would be at peace getting out of the relationship. At the same time the good times are so meaningful… How are you brother?

@JMGENTERPRISES

Жыл бұрын

@@csemionov - Sorry to hear things are a little rough for you currently. How long have you two been together? Do you live together? Two way communication is key in any relationship. My ex could not openly discuss her thoughts, opinions or emotions without withdrawing, shutting down and isolating. I feel SO MUCH more like myself now that I am not with her anymore. If I can give you one piece of advice is pay attention to how you feel when you are around her. Do you feel secure, happy, energetic, nurtured etc. Or do you feel anxious, confused, lonely, lethargic etc. Trust your gut. Your internal compass is never wrong!

@abdulmateenmaher6956

Жыл бұрын

I feel you bro, you just painted my relationship in your own.

@haihai5293

Жыл бұрын

Very good comment. Im glad you wrote IT down here.

@sgracem2863

Жыл бұрын

Yeah… I am that woman. We would end up smoking weed a lot or occasionally drinking and I was able to just completely let go. I felt like I could finally be free with him. Will I ever be able to fully love? I don’t know that I’m capable. I’m work on it a lot now. Hopefully I figure it out soon…

"Learn the games they are unconsciously playing" is the solution to every relationship problem.

@garytravers117

4 жыл бұрын

or just leave and be healthy and normal

@TheZenBullet

3 жыл бұрын

Strange game The best way to win is not to play

@PriyankaGupta-ew1li

3 жыл бұрын

@@garytravers117 ✌🏻🙏🏻🦋❤🤗

@garytravers117

3 жыл бұрын

@@PriyankaGupta-ew1li beautiful name by the way :)

@Safar.369

3 жыл бұрын

Playing their games is how tricky attachment can take you

Being an avoidant is a lonely state of being. Desperately in need of love and care yet terrified of it and the feeling of being trapped and controlled.

@tyd8077

3 жыл бұрын

Are you ever happy?

@1x56

3 жыл бұрын

@@tyd8077 Not really but I adapt. I'm an empath and truly care about everyone and often try "rescuing" people. But when they get close I feel SO unsafe and in danger, like I'm on fire with sirens ringing that I slowly keep my distance. Since I was really young, it was repeatedly confirmed in different ways that my feelings don't matter, I don't matter, if something bad happens to me, no one will care, no one will protect you, you're worthless. You can't open up to people because no one cares and you're a burden. That's hard to get over .... but I'm working on it. In the meantime, I've decided not to get in to a relationship, or have children (didn't want any anyway) becauee I don't want to hurt people with my behaviour. Instead I daydream about being close to people and feeling very happy that other people are able to find happiness. Not all of us are psychopaths or narcissists. Many of us have suffered abuse from those kind of people

@user-eo9to7wd2t

3 жыл бұрын

@@1x56 I feel the exact same way. I hate that all of these comments are making us out to be evil people who are doing this on purpose. I wish I could just become secure but it’s not that easy

@sybelle_esta_no_telhado_ad5040

2 жыл бұрын

@@1x56 yeah, I feel the same way. Why get into a relationship and have children if I'm not sure I could ever be a good mother. Why would make someone else suffer because of **my** issues? Its not likely I'll ever have children or even marry because of this. I havent had a positive example of parenting... People think its wierd that I don't get into relationships(even going so far as to question my sexual orientation)but I feel like...why would I take on responsabilities I know I wouldn't be able to handle? Its not that I dislike children usually(though they can be annoying at times), but kids need a lot of love and affection, attention and pacience. A healthy balance between discipline and freedom to self discover. Parenting is a lot of work. Its for people who are able to regulate their emotions in a healthy manner and not those who are easily triggered by something their child does and just blows up at the smallest mistake.. ..🙄

@1x56

2 жыл бұрын

@@sybelle_esta_no_telhado_ad5040 Exactly. I really appreciate how seriously you take having children because many people don't and those children end up abandoned, neglected and hurting others and themselves. People ask why don't you have kids? I think more people should ask why have them. Thousands of children are already in the care system in an overpopulated world. I don't get it. It's really responsible of you. At my age it's unlikely I'll change my mind. Like you I also like children but I'd much rather not have my own. I hope you're able to feel more secure and less avoidant so you feel more open to relationships because you deserve to be loved and care for. I'm going to work on my issues in therapy. They're pretty deep but at least I'll be trying to move on! 🌼

I’ve been with my wife 5 years and this is far too accurate. As the anxious partner you just reach a point where your burned out and have done everything you can to keep it alive since the beginning. Either keep repeating the cycle or move on to something that will reciprocate your feelings. The fear of pain after ending it is real but know it is temporary.

@jooperW

Жыл бұрын

how are you doing know brother???❤️

@taylorfausett177

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for saying that it's temporary. I just ended a relationship with an avoidant and I am really hurting. But it's temporary so I don't have to go back to that.

@humzamian

Жыл бұрын

@@jooperW divorced

@show_me_your_kitties

Жыл бұрын

Practice what you preach.

@Store-ko7jj

Жыл бұрын

don't end it

I will never have this type of relationship ever again. I used to have an anxious attachment style and I dated someone with an avoidant style and it was the worst!!! And to top it off he was emotionally unavailable. I will never go through that hell again

@DD-ry4mm

5 ай бұрын

Hell and nightmare are good WaYS to describe the experience 😂😭🆘

Avoidants are hard to handle . They rarely open up and this makes me frustrated .

@fridachemutai5237

5 жыл бұрын

Anuradha Mandal these are the ones I fall for😭😭😭 whyyyyyy???!

@anuradhamandal8777

5 жыл бұрын

Frida Chemutai exactly me too😥 Eventually disappointed!!

@painexotic3757

5 жыл бұрын

Depends on the person. Im generally an avoidant but I open up to people im close to (which is like 4 people lol).

@Shinkajo

5 жыл бұрын

Amanda Nelson Hawley But what do secure people think?

@anuradhamandal8777

5 жыл бұрын

PaiN ExoTiC how long do u take to open up to a stanger ? (If he/she is quite friendly )

I feel like this could be healed with self love because once the avoidant loves themselves they won't have those underlying fears of rejection and their core wound of abandonment will be healed, and once the attached loves themselves they won't need anyone else to love them and won't be as needy. These two are just a reflection of each other. Self love is the way.

@NM-vs5lg

3 жыл бұрын

Wow ✌️♥️

@christyann3937

3 жыл бұрын

preach

@addwasabitomycoffee5811

3 жыл бұрын

It does not work that way always

@jooondayz

3 жыл бұрын

very true... i drift between being both anxious and avoidant (depends on the person I'm with), and my experiences on both sides have shown me: as an anxious person, I needed to get more comfy spending time with myself instead of using lovers like slot machines of love; as an avoidant person, I need to sit down my discomfort with the vulnerability of others and instead cradle that vulnerability and try to share some (also need to get better at understanding and communicating my boundaries). Ultimately, I think it can go a long way to realize that neither anxious or avoidant is 'bad', just different environments and thus different needs.

@EvilAngelKyu

3 жыл бұрын

😭

Had this exact relationship for two years. I knew after a month she wasn’t the right one, but didn’t have the courage or fortitude to break up and stay broken up. After I finally did, I met my now wife, and soon after she married as well. I suppose we both learned a lot, and thankfully, didn’t try to make a marriage out of it. Wherever you are Amy, I hope you’re happy and doing well.

@bothand3366

2 ай бұрын

I think I married your ex lol

@francissailo7879

Ай бұрын

😂

My partner and I started off this way. She's my best friend and my deepest love, and through trial and error we've come so far in understanding how to streamline miscommunications and how to reduce our fears/triggers and express our feelings in a language (a creole of sorts) that blends what we both want. It's very much an ongoing process, but we've worked hard to dig deep into ourselves and into each other, and given each other a really strong foundation and reasons to keep going that don't feel like we're just staying with each other because we're terrified of alternatives. We fight to keep together, and it feels wonderful to feel the mutual care and supoort of our efforts.

@danielasalazar5289

Жыл бұрын

Do you have any advice on how to improve the relationship or ourselves? Would you recommend therapy? I’m avoidant and I’ve fought so hard to change, but although I’ve improved I can’t change easily and meanwhile he’s (and we both have) been so hurt that I feel he just gave up months ago and I wasn’t able to realize what was the underlying problem until now watching again this video

@undeadmilkwoman

Жыл бұрын

This is exactly what I’ve been going through, I feel worried that he doesn’t want to do the same kind of self work and I don’t know how much longer I can be around for sake of my own mental health. This gave me great optimism, it’s been very hard

@ida2731

Жыл бұрын

And how is that going? Me and my ex-boyfriend just ended a 5y relationship. But I just can't accept that this i over and I really really hope I can change and give him what he needs and a brake up will turn out to be just a little brake so we both can heal and show up healthy when time is right :))

@MinorKey135

11 ай бұрын

I’m glad to read this because I believe this can be true for myself; the pieces are there. Who knows what time will bring, but I’m confident the future will still be sweet

@rickycarrarini188

9 ай бұрын

"dig deep into each other" Giggity

What I am learning from these series is that it is important to communicate your love and appreciation for others.

@kilipaki87oritahiti

5 жыл бұрын

Michael Jay - Value Investing Well that’s a given. Communication is key in any relationship, let it be work, friendship or romance...everyone who has relationship issues, lack of communication is usually reason nr. 1.

@mjnoon3609

5 жыл бұрын

Seriously do you even watch the videos anymore ? You know before commenting on them.

@Daniel-pr4uk

5 жыл бұрын

even more important is to communicate how you feel (even when it is not loving, even if it is hurt/heartbroken/angry/sad/afraid) and explain what needs of yours are not being met that make you feel this way. (for this, of course, you have to go deep inside and know what your real needs are, not the superficial wants). Non-violent communication (NVC) is really helpful in learning this profoundly important way of communicating.

@josh7297

5 жыл бұрын

I literally see this guy everywhere lmao

@Daniel-pr4uk

5 жыл бұрын

@1 and if they don't (show you that they love you or even don't tell you that they love you), then what? Does that mean that you are now miserable because of that? In other words, does my true happiness depend on someone else doing or saying something? Making the possibility of my happiness dependent on someone else's actions (or non-actions) is a sure recipe for suffering, isn't it? a sure recipe for clinging and possessiveness (and all the jealousy and aggression and hatred that goes along with that) and a demand that the 'other' behave in a certain way to make me happy. Here is a profound quote from Eckhart Tolle that I saw: "Relationships are not here to make us happy. They are here to make us conscious. If you continue to pursue the goal of happiness and salvation through a relationship, you will be disillusioned again and again. But if you accept that the relationship is here to make you conscious instead of happy, then the relationship WILL offer you salvation, and you will be aligning yourself with the higher consciousness that wants to be born into this world (through you)"

Being in a relationship with an avoidant: *yo im straight up not having a good time*

@taythegypsy

2 жыл бұрын

🤣 definitely a bad time

As an anxious attachment person I think it's important to note generally we are only giving so much in order to get a feeling of fulfillment in life from this person, which is a huge responsibility they never signed up for, and they are not capable of doing, because really only we can fill ourselves up. I think I'd be closed off too if someone put the responsibility of something only they can do on me, it's an awful thing to do.

@grremmy

Жыл бұрын

Finally, someone with a brain. Thank you

@sunbeam9222

Жыл бұрын

Every attachment style is fucked up. Anxious need to fill up their own cup first, avoidant stop escaping their own shadow and FA should make up their bloody mind with which fucked up attachment style they wanna be this week.

@ravingcuriosity6345

Жыл бұрын

Im glad to see a person of anxious attachment taking responsibility and perceiving how it feels on the other side. I've been called "avoidant" by a bunch of people I dated who were clearly very far on the "anxious" side of the spectrum, and yet everyone else didn't get that feeling of me. And then they go out of their way to try to manipulate with being overly nice - which seems fake and is a big turnoff -, and before giving any time for their own strategies to work, they would enter sabotage mode and do something to hurt me or push me away. Meanwhile I was the whole time saying "hey, relax, I like you already, and it's much nicer when you are being yourself and just enjoying the present with me". What a horrible thing to say to a person, right? It resulted in turning me into the villain of the relationship... =\

@romeotango5597

Жыл бұрын

Yeah I think a lot of people don’t recognize that anxious attachment can turn an otherwise normal partner avoidant. I’ve been on both sides, having started as the anxious partner and eventually becoming the avoidant.

@cLsbraziL

Жыл бұрын

@@romeotango5597 I'm sorry to hear that Romeo. I unfortunately did that to my ex, and interestingly he seems to have turned me avoidant after turning avoidant. it's funny how our brains adapt so poorly without the right knowledge or guidance

My relationship was like this at the beginning (me being avoidant) but over the years, I've learned that it is safe for him to love me and I don't always have to push people away because the world is not always out to get me. Yesterday was our 6 year anniversary and I see ourselves having many more years together. We have BOTH learned to heal our traumas and try to be a better partner for one another because at the end of the day, we are a team and we need to constantly improve ourselves for one another. Edit: Communication is SO IMPORTANT!! You need to talk to each other always because no one can read your mind!

@jevongraham5223

2 жыл бұрын

I am mostly avoidant, and am going through a breakup from a long distance relationship. She said I could not meet her expectations, ultimately that I didn't care. One of the last things she said was "I'm going to be sad for a good while, but I am sure you'll get over it quick". That distraught me, because I feel really sad. I was doing what I could, with my time consuming studies. Sur I could have maybe called a bit more or complimented her a bit more, but what I did was not enough, and for me, I did alot. It hurts me because we were so compatible, and I never expected anything major from her. This difference in expectations is what broke us up. I never understood why she needed to be complimented, because for me she was so obviously beautiful and intelligent and amazing. Am I wrong? I need perspective on all this, and unbiased opinions

@arielm1374

2 жыл бұрын

@Jevon Graham Some people will blame a break-up on you when the reason they're breaking up with you isn't really because of you (I hope that makes sense). Did she ever bring up breaking up in the past? It sounds like she just surprised you with the news out of the blue which, if you really do like/love someone, you will talk about the things that are bothering you in the relationship until it eventually ends if those things don't change. What I learned too is that everyone has their own love language. I had to change how I show love to my partner because I show love through giving gifts and they needed to be told and shown that I love them through action. It's all about communicating with one another and understanding what the other person needs and for them to listen to what you need too. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time so I believe that if you both are meant to be, you'll find each other again eventually. If you find it hard to talk about things face-to-face, writing letters to each other is always a great option. I believe love and relationships are a slow process. I've known my partner for 7 years and we are STILL learning new things about each other. You can never fully know a person and you sure can't read minds so you need to talk about what you want in a relationship, where you see this going years from now, what are you future goals/plans/wants & needs. Lack of communication leads to both of you trying to fill in the gaps with false narratives. You should feel comfortable enough to ask questions when you have them.

@jevongraham5223

2 жыл бұрын

@@arielm1374 thank you. At one point I asked her if anything else was wrong, after talking about something I did that annoyed her (misspelled her surname) and she said nothing. Then a week or so later, she said that my valentines day gift I sent her (something little in a letter with a card, as we were supposed to celebrate it later during our time off as we were long distance) was "the straw that broke the camel's back", because said gift showed that I didn't care about her, amongst other things. So a lack of communication also played into our breakup, as well as me not being able to give her the attention she needed, because of my studies, the difficulty of which she didn't completely grasp I think. Sometimes I would have to time our calls, because otherwise I would spend to much time talking and not studying. She didn't like that, but never told me directly until about a week before our breakup. Sorry I am going over stupid details and you are probably tired of hearing about a random stranger's breakup, but thank you for your advice in general

@arielm1374

2 жыл бұрын

@Jevon Graham Break ups are not easy so I understand you are hurting right now but I believe things in life happen for a reason and maybe you two weren't compatible? It seems to me that she may have been looking for any reason to break up. I don't know the full story but that is just the impression I get because some of those things are not reasons to be upset with someone.. Anyway, I hope that you can take this time to love and grow yourself as a person. 💕

@andy9876

8 ай бұрын

hey, i was wondering if we could speak about this. my girlfriend and i are in the same situation, we’re early in our relationship and love each other deeply but she’s an avoidant while i’m anxious and it seems we’re going through a lot of arguments.

It kills me because realistically the anxious party is almost never asking for very much. Half the things they’re asking for they shouldn’t even have to mention simply because you’re in a relationship with someone. The ball is completely in the avoidant persons court and the anxious party deserves better.

@thecurrentmoment

3 жыл бұрын

This comment shows a clear lack of understanding and empathy for someone with an avoidant style. Just because you have a particular version of what love looks like to you, doesn't mean everybody else has the same idea. If someone is showing an avalanche of affection straight away, is that healthier and more loving than someone who is hesitant and cautious about moving too quickly? Maybe they need to be more patient and relaxed. Granted, this video seems to be referring to relationships rather than the initial dating rush, but still, people love differently and have different expectations of the process. I don't see what is wrong with that, but people need to understand that that is what is going on. To say that everybody should do things one way is kind if gross and insulting to the diversity of individuals out there. Not everybody is you, or the same as you, and the key is to learn to understand each other

@latinoheat300

3 жыл бұрын

This post was made by anxious gang.

@aequanimitas

3 жыл бұрын

I don't know if I am an avoidant in relationships but I believe that I may be and I can say that it may not be my first instinct to hug and be outwardly emotional or physically close but I listen and I love and I try to understand, I care, I try to support and encourage. When there's a problem, I stay up all night talking about it, doing research, finding information, trying to sort it, trying to take away the worry. I love, just perhaps not in the same way as others do.

@islabee94

3 жыл бұрын

This isn't true. Anxious types are the ones who bombard you with texts if you don't answer on time. The ones who threaten to leave you over imagined slights and non existent transgressions. Who are extremely demanding and suffocating because they cannot self soothe at all. The anxious types I've encountered blow up over nothing and then realise afterwards how unfair, irrational and cruel their behaviour was and apologise profusely. Its just as toxic. There is no good and bad guy here. Just people who are hurt and unintentionally hurt others in a myriad of ways.

@tinamonalle3959

3 жыл бұрын

FOR REAL. My avoidant ex partner wouldn't make the simplest shit you'd expect in a relationship like being emotionally responsive, taking you out on dates or giving you small gifts (i literally had to beg him to buy me a freaking flower omg). now i realize i was never asking for too much

As someone with avoidant tendencies in romantic relationships, let me tell you, we don’t want to be this way, we don’t want to make others suffer... we suffer too. We want closeness, and it’s frustrating when we don’t feel that pull towards people who are so wonderful to us and just want to love us... it’s fucked up...

@mariahsmith5380

2 жыл бұрын

But what makes it hard though?

@01Mariah10

2 жыл бұрын

Hit it right on the head smh. It's so very frustrating 😒 and reason to remain single, but how can one really learn, grow, and heal without connecting with others? 🥴

@ArtairMcKinley

2 жыл бұрын

@@mariahsmith5380 trust. Most of us with these tendencies or fall under this attachment style suffer from trust issues because we’ve experienced something in our lives that’s made us feel everyone around us is insincere. For me personally, my avoidant attachment style stems from childhood trauma. I don’t have a support group and can’t receive professional help at the moment so it’s just me on my own trying to work out the kinks of this mess. Overall, it’s just…difficult. In a nearly inexplainable sense.

@cammac2753

2 жыл бұрын

I agree with you 💯. We really do not want to be this way

@jeremyw9204

2 жыл бұрын

Ugh, yes this is exactly how I feel as an avoidant

What's really hurtful is when an avoidant acts like an anxious, and as an anxious, you wind up repeatedly confused as to why they pull away from you after the promise of closeness, which is what you desperately desire.

I think it's all about compromise. I have just recently broke up with my avoidant partner. Before that, we decided to compromise on it but as time goes by it felt like I was the only one that does it. I tried my best to understand her situation but the thing that hurts me the most is she became uninterested in me even if I always tried to be there for her. I hope that anyone would eventually find the partner that they deserve and wish me luck.

@priscillajusto-repp8152

Жыл бұрын

Same here. I always made change and was there for him, and he started to care less over time.

@ericfisher565

8 ай бұрын

I see it looks like these two need to get together just idea

@jucxox

8 ай бұрын

Good luck!

@Cat-Nipples

6 ай бұрын

I broke up with my avoidant partner that had been avoiding me for months, and the day i did that they immediately got another gf. Im so destroyed inside

One important thing to mention is that both parties are actually running away from themselves - in essence. The attached one wants love from the outside and chases that extermal fulfillment running away from looking within what is missing, and from its own unresolved pain. The avoidant one is seemingly running away from the attached but in actuality it cannot deal with its own emotions that the attached one triggers in them. So both have to do some soul searching and emotional healing. Hope this makes sense :)

@universehasourback

Жыл бұрын

Makes complete sense, thankyou

@kloebl10

Жыл бұрын

💯💯💯

@raisacortez1200

Жыл бұрын

YES

@robertreimann1846

Жыл бұрын

Yep you just described exactly how my relationship was. But what could I have done. I still feel kind of lost.

@OldSchoolBaller

Жыл бұрын

Very well put 👏

Moral of the story, avoidants realise they like being loved and feel terribly alone when they’re dumped.

@Arcilios

4 жыл бұрын

Sounds like entitlement to me

@purplelillyx9895

4 жыл бұрын

Copper Vw good. Then they'll understand how we feel when ya e go from secure... to eventually anxious 😟

@moodsmoody4936

4 жыл бұрын

Couldn't help it, sometimes people are just too pushy. I'm very sorry on behalf of all avoidants

@MissCrimeFan

4 жыл бұрын

@@rabbitwho as an avoidant who is really trying to get out of the circle of self sabotage i am thankful for your help. I am especially curious about the second point: I always think I don't want to settle for someone, so I leave because there might be someone better out there. Is that really something only avoidants think? I mean, there is always a deal breaker I find in someone that I can't live with. Isn't it rational to leave before things get too serious when I know from the beginning that there will always be something that bugs me?

@TheSlimmshadyy

4 жыл бұрын

@@MissCrimeFan No one is perfect. There will always be something better in someone, that does not mean a person keeps monkey branching.

The deadliest combo is being an extroverted anxious attachment style personality. In contrast, your partner is an introverted avoidant attachment style personality and has a best friend (who was basically their only friend) of the opposite sex. While you're constantly feeling invalidated in that relationship and lack assurance and affection, you watch them live a life of bliss & ease with that friend and enjoy their company. In contrast, you feel like you're constantly fighting for their love. And no matter how many conversations you have about it, it will always hurt.

@NATTOP

Жыл бұрын

fock that type of relationships, i would not be able to stand it for a long, not a chance its more like they want yet another extra "friend" "but we are not really friends, you're more than a friend to me" you feel me, they are not ready to be in a relationship

@silviachen6655

Жыл бұрын

Run

@Sissy_Valentine

10 ай бұрын

I had to check when I saw this comment to see if I wrote it because fuck going through this exact situation was a horrible nightmare

@Alixir1228

7 ай бұрын

This is my exact situation except the best friend was of the same sex, but they were still codependent.

@user-yj7ff9in5b

7 ай бұрын

can someone please tell me why this happens?

I got out of a relationship like this where every time I felt like leaving the other person gave me the temporary assurance of being there for me. After almost two years of this draining game, we broke up and finally I get to work on myself and try to have secure attatchment for the next relationship I have. I really do not desire this anxious-avoidant dance to anybody.

The damage is done. Im leaving my avoidant after almost 3 years.

@eugeniaamado7740

4 жыл бұрын

congrats. how are you now?

@xalbatross1

4 жыл бұрын

I left my avoidant today after 4 years. Good luck to all of us.

@lickwitgold1661

4 жыл бұрын

@@eugeniaamado7740 im great! Made up my mind..and my heart followed.

@moonmojo7649

4 жыл бұрын

@@lickwitgold1661 Im on the same story rn. After doing research....I came into the relationship secure and then i started to wonder why i was so anxious......Only now to realize that hes just avoidant. My heart was hurting we called it off but we still talk...we flirt, he sais mean things to get my attention but now i just ignore him. After ignoring him hes suddenly nice....I think im starting to get over this pattern and want someone whos going to open up to me...

@eugeniaamado7740

4 жыл бұрын

Moon Mojo Do Not allow that mistreatment for yourself. I completely understand what you’re going through. Don’t create a pattern for you and your future self. you deserve SO much. there’s only so much one can do, so corroborate that the things you are for your own goodness

I’m always the anxiously attached. I always pick up avoidant people, feeling like I can always save them... it’s so frustrating to me. I’ve never met anyone that is like myself with love.

@paultriggs7967

4 жыл бұрын

Pick me

@shymickey6

3 жыл бұрын

@Ammar Ahsan child

@adjjal

3 жыл бұрын

@@shymickey6 lol

@jessicamessica2271

3 жыл бұрын

Its a lot. Litterally 25 percent of people.

@tokoyo7753

3 жыл бұрын

Then simply you have never met me. Your mirror image over here at the far end of the Earth.

Just ended an almost four year relationship with my avoidant girlfriend. It is incredibly hard for me to move on being of anxious attachment type. I keep cycling in my head that her next partner will get the woman I always wanted. Her and I met when I was a little lonely in life. She came along and had the most beautiful face, figure and hot and cold, close and then distant way about her that it just sucked me in. It was incredibly addicting. I should have acknowledged the red flags and incapability signs from the beginning. They were there. But I was blinded by her good looks and indifferent attitude. It felt like I was always chasing her for her validation and acceptance. It was my ego that was afraid of being rejected. She would make me feel loved one minute and then make me second guessing her feelings for me the next. This started happening right from the beginning. She would always provide me just enough emotional intimacy to keep me around but then withdrawal the next. She was a very kind and sweet person and being fairly in tune with my emotions, I saw this inside her. When her and I would drink alcohol, that huge wall she would always have up would come down. For the briefest of moments, I would get to see the side of her without all the emotional trauma she had inside her. Seeing this made me hooked even MORE as I was always chasing and thinking that eventually, if we tried hard enough, that side of her would stay down for good. The sad thing is, I actually felt bored with her much of the time. On our dates etc. She was incredibly quiet which she chalked up to by telling me she was an introvert but conversation with her was never our strong suit. It lacked immensely on a deeper level. I ended up doing a lot of research on introverts and thought that eventually, once she trusted and was comfortable with me, that she would blossom. At that point, we would have that deep emotional intimacy I was always craving. She was not use to physical touch and emotional availability like I was. Over time, she became comfortable with physical touch and it felt GREAT for me. But the emotional availability portion never surfaced. But as our time together went on, I learned it was not just her being an introvert. She had deeply rooted childhood trauma that dated back to when she was 2-3 years old. Trauma that she was not even aware of was having an impact on her confidence and way she handled herself. Into our relationship, she ended up going to therapy and was diagnosed with PTSD, anxiety and depression. She moved in with me about three months before the pandemic hit. At the time, I remember not feeling like it was the right move. But I never really set boundaries for myself or listened to my heart. I was just too sincere and patient and overlooked A LOT of odd behavior.. She moved in and then the pandemic hit. She lost her job. I work for myself from home. Now her and I were under the same roof 24/7 practically for 18 months straight. This took a HUGE toll on our relationship. It prevented us from growing as individuals and also as a couple. She had many beautiful qualities. Like loyalty, kindness, gift giving etc. But she lacked the emotional awareness and intelligence to provide true emotional connection. When I was hurt or scared about something, she just was not able to provide me with the comfort I needed. I felt even more lonely and scared. For a relationship to thrive, there needs to be open communication with vulnerability. She was highly uncomfortable anytime I tried to have a heart to heart talk with her. She would go into this fight or flight stage. I could see it in her eyes. She would close up, that wall would become even taller. If I pushed, she would make it a point but very soon crumple from the pressure. Tears would follow and then she would need to leave the situation and lay down for a few hours to decompress. It made it very challenging to resolve conflict. She would show her love for me in many ways. Gift giving, spending time with me, leaving love notes throughout the house. I was so touched that it brought me to tears much of the time. But I NEEDED MORE. I needed emotional connection through words that were face to face and she was just too uncomfortable to ever provide me with that. She could always provide her open heart through letters and or texts. So I knew it was in there. But it would never surface face to face. About six months before we split, I became avoidant myself. I had just become so frustrated with not feeling the emotional depth I required. I was exhausted. Now we were too avoidant partners living together. It was a mess. We both started become depressed and we drifted apart. I am torn apart. I miss her so much. But doing further introspective work, I believe I miss the idea of who she could have been. Not the reality of who she actually was. Even after our breakup, I still find myself trying to chase her, worry that we made a mistake and worry her next partner is going to get the woman I always wanted her to be with me. I want her to be happy and find someone that is a better fit for her. But my anxious attachment just sometimes cannot wrap my head around that I was not the right one for her. But then I need to be more aware of my own needs. She was not the right one for me either. Breakups are incredibly hard. But I feel this breakup will be my hardest. I know we both loved each other. I know we both tried to show it the best way we could and it just was not meant to be. At times, I wonder if I am actually an anxious attachment type or if it was just the unhealthy relationship that was making me feel the way I was. I suppose time will tell but I do truly miss her and miss the time the good times we shared. I know there is someone out there that is a better match for me. Someone that can provide me with the emotional security I require. It's just tough to accept it will not be her.

@alinebelle9055

2 жыл бұрын

Who initiated the break up? I'm in the same situation with my Avoidant. I've always been the one who reaches out to him, checks in with him, while he's hiding behind a huge wall. Two days ago, I sent him an email giving him the option to leave or stay and to put some effort into the relationship if he decides to stay as I can't be the only person fighting to keep the connection. Haven't heard from him yet. I'm sure he is deactivating right now. I'm not a clingy person nor am I demanding for closeness. I always give him the space he needs. I have my own life and hobbies. All I've wanted from him is consistencies in communication. He'd go days or weeks at a time without a word. This isn't a relationship.

@chuchaichu

Жыл бұрын

@@alinebelle9055 hahaha, “deactivation”, that’s accurate. I can relate. I’m not anxious, but I am getting more and more anxious with my avoidant partner bc the most basic things are not there. I’m ending it after 4 years. I know it’s going to hurt him more than it hurts me. But I won’t spend the rest of my life wondering why I cannot have the basics in a relationship, like caring and communication. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@alinebelle9055

Жыл бұрын

​@@chuchaichu How did you survive all those years? You must have been very patient with your avoidant. I didn't last with mine, not even a year. He made me anxious only one month in with his hot and cold. Then I found PDS vids, binge watched them until I found myself back. I'm glad I did.

@chuchaichu

Жыл бұрын

@@alinebelle9055 long distance for 3.5 years helped. We just moved in for a couple of months, and my trust in this “us” vanished. I’m not good at giving up, but guess it’s time to learn some of that. Take care, Aline. All will be good.

@kladimsedanisteznali7164

Жыл бұрын

Dude I can't believey. It's as you read my mind, you have the same situation and feelings as me..Perfectly described.

the avoidant I’m healing from now, love bombed me. he was a completely different person when we met, he seemed just as anxiously attached as me which made me feel comfortable cuz I thought I found somebody that enjoyed me as much as I enjoyed them. I had trust and let him do his thing til the string of small lies became apparent. So yes, I then became anxious and needed reassurance. Sorry, I guess? … also that’s when he started holding resentment for me, and his feelings started changing. It just kept getting worse and I predicted this. I am just absolutely heartbroken that it had to be him, my angel. Time to restart my life over yet again. Can’t wait for him to reach out in months or years just like the rest of the avoidants do, but by that time I will not care anymore and have already properly grieved. Some of us anxiously attached people are fully healed before we enter relationships, and unfortunately some of us get love bombed… find out lies… then the worst gets brought out of us, inevitably making us the villain in the end. He was so, so precious to me though, when things were good. I will miss those eyes. I wish the best for him and his fam 🖤

Relationships are too complicated. I will just remain single.

@hellucination9905

3 жыл бұрын

But them you will lose out on emotional intensity in your life. Nothing is without risks. Just risk it.

@anonyfamous42

2 жыл бұрын

I had never been in a relationship. It’s like a book I didn’t read or a show I didn’t watch. I don’t know if it’s good or bad and I do not feel I’m missing something I don’t know. I still want to try it once, to get out of my confort zone.

@aishwaryasoni1542

2 жыл бұрын

Uff, i can use this much time and energy towards my goals rather than a person.

@byefelicia8632

2 жыл бұрын

Nah its simple. Its only complicated in the mind.

@2WOKE-

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah sure ya will...

This is starting to get insane guys! Please stop using my life as inspiration for you videos!! More seriously, thank you very very much to "The School of life".

@brianv.8055

5 жыл бұрын

The same things happened to me too, haha. I'm crearly an avoidant and had a relationship with an anxious girl. Just like they put it. I realized long ago that it wasn't working to go on with that cycle, so I finally pulled the plug. Felt really bad for her, and sometimes still do, but to know myself is actually helping me to get a clear picture of how and what happened to me in that relationship, and also to understand how to overcome this so that I can move on with my life and never again be "the avoidant" in a relationship or to fall into that vicious cycle. Great videos.

@user-vm9mt1mu3d

4 жыл бұрын

Loool the same here

@jessicaphilip4850

4 жыл бұрын

chimay lol

@albanb.9252

3 жыл бұрын

Same here

You just literally described me and my bf, him being the avoidant and me being the anxiously attached. We both are aware of our style, but I don't ghink he looks much into what he does. We had a fight and we haven't talked for a day, this makes me spiral down a whole new journey in my mind of a different life until he comes back after having taken enough space. But for me, it seems cruel that he would not bother to check in even once even after knowing me. During this time period I will have decided to leave everything and changed my mindset till he comes back. We both get along very well and are very fit for each other when we are doing okay till this happens. I hate it.

@jeffzeena

Жыл бұрын

just like me and the girl im dating

@CrazyCatRiahchu

Жыл бұрын

This is exactly what I was going through with my now ex. He's avoidant, I'm anxious. It hurt like hell when he broke up with me, especially after some of the rude things he told me. But, I know this is for the best. I was sick of him pushing me away only to pull me back in. I think now I'm ready to heal and promote more self love for myself. Always remember you are worth it and if something isn't working out, then maybe it's time for you to realize you deserve better for yourself. ❤️

@1dingerr

Жыл бұрын

Are you maybe an only child? I'm not a psychologist, but in my experience, only-child's tend to be anxiously attached. I can go days, even weeks without spending time with people that I love. Growing up with a lot of siblings might have made me value the time I had to myself more. This annoys my girlfriend, who would rather spend a lot of time with me, but we have come to happy medium where I where I spend more time with her but she understands when I don't want to.

@rchm7294

3 ай бұрын

Definitely. What happened in the end?

To whom it may concern, we are all hurt here. Emotions run high in this breakout room. If you are comparing your situation to the one in this video, you need to add a variable. That variable being you. We share these feelings with billions of each other. But your situation is special. You need to learn yourself. Learn your from your relationships with your closest souls and ask yourself, “Why am I like this?” Next, you may have to ask how you can change yourself

2 years of anxious-avoidant, my self-esteem can't take the withholding cycle. I want to matter again, I was worth the hard work, I'm done.

I just got out of a relationship with an avoidant and let me tell you it was emotionally draining. I never felt so distant from a partner before. Affection and emotional depth n intimacy where so scarce, even after communicating this to him, as in the video, he would try for a bit and then slip back into his old ways. Always so cold and distant, insensitive and impolite despite claiming to love me which was crazy. And the worst part was how he would give me the silent treatment and detach from the relationship whenever we had a disagreement;big or small. It was insane. I have been in a loving relationship so I knew something was off. I just couldn’t figure it out. Until seeing this. I can see now what was going on. While I may be an anxious lover, I feel I did my best not to make him feel engulfed but I guess even the little love and affection I was giving (without reciprocity) was overwhelming Thank you School of Life once again for helping me understand yet another breakup

@Purplecup1988

2 жыл бұрын

You just explained my last relationship that I just broke off. :-/ Hope your doing well.

@yvasquez2449

2 жыл бұрын

Same here...I walked away, I couldn’t take it any longer. I’m actually very proud of myself for doing that, realising that I deserve better. I miss him, though...despite all his problems, he was actually a good friend, providing I didn’t make any emotional demands on him. Obviously that was not enough to keep a relationship going...still, I miss our late night chats. Anyway, I hope my next relationship is what I actually need, closeness, love and partnership

@karenhazel7526

2 жыл бұрын

@@Purplecup1988 so proud of you for finding the strength to break it off ❤️ I’m doing well thanks. Hope you are doing well too 🥰

@karenhazel7526

2 жыл бұрын

@@yvasquez2449 it’s perfectly normal to miss him but even more important to remember that sometimes it’s easier to love someone from a distance. Better will come around. I promise ❤️💕

@elietteordenes8952

2 жыл бұрын

Your telling my story for the past 20 years, this is insane. We could never discuss anything cause i saw the silent treatment around the corner.

The needs for closeness and space are not just incompatible, they're oppositional. For one to get what they want, the other gets exactly what they don't want. It's a win lose situation. The only way to handle avoidant people is to avoid them first.

8 years with an avoidant ex explained within 4 minutes. I'm glad to know I wasn't just going insane.

@joesutherland2017

3 ай бұрын

Ouch. 2.5 years longer than me. I'm truly sorry for how long you had to feel that way. My situation only really started after about 2.5 years in, so I guess I'm lucky I realized it and ended it with the avoidant. P.S. I thought I was crazy, too. Turns out I'm not, just insecure(but working on that issue).

Avoidant becomes the anxious one when the other person leaves but fails to acknowledge and understand their hypocrisy and gets back on same track after patch up.

@zye....

2 жыл бұрын

The the anxious attached becomes an avoidant. Here I am, unable to feel anything anymore and guess who came back wanting relationship? Life is an absolute and absurd Sh*tshow. I can't

How depressing.

@bethrutherford95

5 жыл бұрын

So if you're aware of both your partner's, and your own, compulsions; how exactly do you refrain from acting them out? What are the consequences of that? I feel so aware of problems in my relationship but it seems so unclear how I'm meant to fix them.

@SteamAPunk

5 жыл бұрын

@@bethrutherford95 You honestly communicate your intentions and concerns with your partner so that both of you understand the problems of the other. Talk through what would make both of you happy, and work out a plan to get closer to that

@beisiknikneimas

5 жыл бұрын

@Kassetten one video of school of life about couples therapy explains that couples therapy does exactly what you mentioned - both parties put all of their wishes and needs on the table, and then hopefully some compramises are made to have a happy relationship

@crazylittlepartytifs

5 жыл бұрын

Beth Rutherford it's not your job to fix all the problems in your relationship. and it also isn't possible for you to fix all the problems. you can only work on yourself. in a good relationship problems are handled together. so if you're constantly trying to fix things, you aren't relating, you're just distracting yourself from the reality of what's happening. the question to ask yourself is what do you need to be happy and feel secure and loved? if the person you're with can't provide that and shows no commitment towards being able to provide these things then you should find someone else to spend your days with.

@KaRaMaNisKaRaMan

5 жыл бұрын

Why do you think this is depressing? It's a play

Ultimately it all comes down to two people that are mature enough to recognize they won’t always get what they want and that part of being in a relationship is not getting what you want sometimes. If you have 2 people that only care about what they want, both will be miserable.

I was the attached, she was the avoidant. Let me tell you. Two and half years of barely a relationship and hardly any meaningful communication, topped with tons of drama and misunderstanding. It's just now that I've started to learn to love myself while finding joy in other things in life that I realize how truly sad it all was, and how horribly wrong it could have gone, maybe for years and decades, had I not decided to stop and take our separate ways.

@Fran-K-i

Жыл бұрын

I just started seeing a girl exactly like this. I am very caring and understanding guy but man it only took me two weeks to completely feel depleted. I really hope she finds someone who can make her happy. I'm still her friend and I still wish her the best.

@moonknightj5797

10 ай бұрын

Where were these comments a year ago 😭😭😭😭😭 I spent two years with a girl that used the classic excuse of “I don’t know how to communicate” AND “why would i change for you” 2 YEARS! I thank God for putting me through that relationship because i’ve learned the power of self love and know how to ween out women who don’t understand the concept of emotional intelligence.

From my experience the avoidant will seek outside people to validate them whether it be friends or other sexual conquests even if it is just for flirtation. For the anxious partner this is the worst thing that can happen, it destabilises them then more fear and clinging or arguments. This validates the avoidants detachment and or punishment. It’s exhausting and usually the anxious partner tolerates it so they don’t have to be alone.

@thelegacyofgaming2928

2 жыл бұрын

This is spot on, and is honestly the most disgusting part about avoidants. Very unfaithful in relationships.

@growing.flowers

2 жыл бұрын

Fml

@arielm1374

2 жыл бұрын

As an avoidant, I will admit this but I will NEVER do this again. I saw first hand how devastating it can be and I will regret it for the rest of my life. Thankfully, we grow as we get older and I'd say I definitely have secure attachments now and I love myself enough that I don't look to others for validation.

@terrm_

2 жыл бұрын

My previous relationship was like this. It was kinda hell for me internally. You'd then force and drag yourself everyday to be happy. To just let all these nonsense go so you could just live. But to them it's so NATURAL to avoid you...but not ANYONE else

@haliec4713

2 жыл бұрын

@@terrm_ Absolutely, they treat you as if you disgust them, it’s such a horrible feeling and then to see them act happy and carefree around others only reinforces that we have done something terrible.

Literally the relationship I was just in. She moved on with the quickness, but me? I'm still not over it.

@GateHacker1

4 жыл бұрын

You're not alone. Same thing happened to me (honestly in a pretty f*ed up way). It's difficult not to feel remorseful and embrace hope but with the right mindset you'll find the person things will work with. Learn from your mistakes and always be determined to keep moving forward. You got this buddy and look at being single as a good thing. Once you feel ok being alone, the other things will come :)

@evancampbell7138

3 жыл бұрын

I hope you are happy and well since your comment two years ago? 😌

@benmjt

3 жыл бұрын

She could have been a Borderline.

@EddivonG1

3 жыл бұрын

How are you doing now?

@stephanieh5478

3 жыл бұрын

Same here with my ex. He's with a new girl and I'm still figuring myself out!

i think there’s a huge difference between anxious attachment as a RESPONSE to avoidant attachment VS someone who is inherently anxiously attached. that’s why so many anxiously attached people in the comments are discussing their past relationships as being entirely the fault of the avoidant, because they were simply responding like any normal person would. those who are just like that make such overbearing partners

@Nola5427

Жыл бұрын

It usually is their fault , they can' t talk, engage or communicate and they run and on top of that they blame the other for leaving and/ or not coming back when the avoidant goes back and forth and or ghosts , an avoidant needs therapy, even unconditional love there' s a point where it' s to much., any relationship needs reciprocation or it won' t , I don' t chase , pull teeth or pressure, I remove myself from that roller coaster toxcitity and am way more at Peace. Only an avoidant would say that stuff is normal of an avoidant when it' s not.

@5335hello

Жыл бұрын

@@Nola5427 i’m saying it’s normal to develop an anxious attachment style when you’re involved with an avoidant person. my point is that anxious attachment alone, without an avoidant partner but just naturally occurring with some people/personality types, can be overbearing. i also don’t think it’s weird or uncommon for an anxiously attached person to push someone away into being more avoidant. ultimately both attachment styles are flawed

@dittydong

Жыл бұрын

i was just going to comment something to this effect. it’s also a bit strange that anyone without a psychology background would feel comfortable diagnosing their partners as avoidant, or even labelling themselves as having an anxious attachment style. in any case, people’s personal experiences are definitely of worth in this regard, but demonizing the other side of the coin in a vindictive act against a lost relationship is completely counter productive. particularly so in the comments of a video where people are watching to either better themselves or gain knowledge about these attachment issues. both are trauma responses, why anyone is generalizing one to be the victim and the other to be a villain is beyond me.

@5335hello

Жыл бұрын

@@dittydong it’s insane haha it’s pretty clear that most comments aren’t truly psycho analyzing their past relationships but are instead just crying over how they were right and their ex was wrong. a lot of exalting anxiety and demonizing avoidance, which makes absolutely no sense when you think about it for more than a moment

@paweldrzazga7700

Жыл бұрын

​@@Nola5427 Nobody is perfect and usually blame is on both parties. Telling yourself that I am not doing anything wrong and that is entirely his\her fault is also toxic and ruin relationships.

Dated an avoidant for 11 years. The best decision I've taken in my life was the split with her. In a spectacular relationship now with someone who reciprocates my love so well.

Can you do a video on how nostalgia can falsely change the way we see certain events and how sometimes memories feel better than they actually were?

@abigail1928

5 жыл бұрын

Reminds me of a video I watched on abusive relationships and figuring out if you have legit feelings for someone or not. It basically all boiled down to "If the memories or made up stories are better than the reality, then you're fooling yourself."

@TheBakingGirlShow

4 жыл бұрын

Omg. Yes!!

@ezpeezy9686

4 жыл бұрын

This ❤

@sillylilazncuty

4 жыл бұрын

I read EMDR therapy can help with that

@isabellarodriguez4559

2 жыл бұрын

Rosy retrospection

I am anxious and he is avoidant. However he broke up with me because I was too needy. We ended up back together. And now anytime I complain about his distant, avoidant behavior he theatens to break up. I tell him ok but this is it. He realizes he doesn't want to break up. He seems to change and be loving and attentive. And overly super bf and generous by buying gifts and taking me out. I'm at the point that I am less and less interested and make less and less attempts at my needs. I have been working on my goals and keeping myself busy instead of focusing on him. I am at the point that I love him very much but if it ends I am resilient.

@FuNnYPsYcHoBuNnY

5 жыл бұрын

How did it go?

@flippingfruitsforeuros3453

5 жыл бұрын

I'm trying to do that right now. I don't know if I can take it any longer. This is so exhausting. How long did it take you both to change that?

@aleblackmetal01

4 жыл бұрын

Bruh at least he buys you shit and treats you better after that, mine never cared, threw hurtful words, tried to make it seem like it's my fault, however this circle never ends

@Rachtale

3 жыл бұрын

same here happened with me being anxious and they broke up with me for being "too suffercating". his behaviour sounds quite childish to keep threatening that without ackowledging the change that needs to be made.self growth can only be made when that person realises its importance, the impact its having on people around them and finds courage to do so alone. it takes a lot of time but i think if there's enough will in them to coperate, it's possible.

@Lizarddqueen79

3 жыл бұрын

@@FuNnYPsYcHoBuNnY we ended up breaking up in December 2018. We saw each other a few times after but I think it's completely over now. I'm still single. But I'm enjoying it.

This video hits like home, ive been in this kind of relationship for 6 years now, im the avoidant type, but after years of pushing and pulling we finally undertood each other.

@devaes

Жыл бұрын

🙏

Today I was crying and I told God "put me out of this NIGHTMARE".Its how it feels and the person doesnt let you go! When you move on they RETURN.Its pure hell 🆘🚩

@economiabohemia

Ай бұрын

Did you make it out alright?

This is the kind of relationship I'm in. My boyfriend and I are together for more than nine years now. For years, we have played the game of pushing and pulling each other, but recently, things have changed. We talk more openly now, and we try our best to rein in our compulsions. For years, my closest friends think my relationship too toxic, but I couldn't let him go because I knew how special he is to me. I've always had this feeling that there's no one like him and he's the only one I want. Now that we talk more, he's also gaining insight about his actions and he shares them to me, and I do the same for him. I really enjoyed this video, School of Life! Thank you!

@Daniel-pr4uk

5 жыл бұрын

It's really important to communicate how you feel (even when it is not loving, even if it is hurt/heartbroken/angry/sad/afraid) and explain what needs of yours are not being met that make you feel this way. (for this, of course, you have to go deep inside and know what your real needs are, not the superficial wants). Non-violent communication (NVC) is really helpful in learning this profoundly important way of communicating.

@jessikalopez3448

5 жыл бұрын

I am in the exact situation . I’ve been in this relationship for 10 years . He and I are now able to talk to one another about what we are struggling with . We are able to talk about our needs and are comfortable enough to say when our emotional needs are not met . Thank you for sharing your situation, I find comfort in knowing someone else went through this .

@mirsadatalovic777

5 жыл бұрын

@@jessikalopez3448 thank you both for sharing this insight, I too find myself in that exact situation right now with many push and pull moments and I'm trying to grow from it and let the greatness of the two of us have grow from it. It really is demanding and at the same time a profoudly great human experience

@freefalling1440

5 жыл бұрын

Let me guess were you the anxious one....

@atoooka97alharthi14

5 жыл бұрын

lidette711 😂😂😂 the same thing me and my boyfriend around 6 years

Wow. I’ve been married for 11 years and my wife started as the anxious one and I was the avoidant. She dealt with my selfishness for 11 years and just left me. This video perfectly explained my broken marriage.

@nadinegomez8858

2 жыл бұрын

Why were you being like that though? Were you not self-aware the whole 11 years? Genuine question

@growing.flowers

2 жыл бұрын

@@nadinegomez8858 seconded

@growing.flowers

2 жыл бұрын

That musta been hell

@importantstuf8870

2 жыл бұрын

Glad she left

@BradSmith99

2 жыл бұрын

Sorry to hear that my man. Hope all is well

I am so, so thankful. I was with my avoidant soon-to-be ex-husband for 13 years. I thought I would die from the separation and now up-coming divorce. I couldn't imagine my life without him, couldn't imagine ever moving on, thought the world was ending. Now I realize I am free to be as happy as I wish. I can pursue *reciprocal* friendships and relationships. I am fully liberated from the *constant* rejection that came with being with him. Divorcing him was simultaneously the most difficult and most courageous decision I've ever made for myself.

I’m with an avoidant partner that is quite on the extreme. I notice well how we are triggering each others traumas and I’m trying hard to work them with him but he’s not receptive. It’s so hard for me this lack of care, physical and emotional attention especially because I’m pregnant. I feel trapped and scared to leave as I’m not financially stable, otherwise I would have already left. He wanted this baby so much and convinced me it was the perfect time for us and now he just pulled away completely. As if me being pregnant provided him the safety and control that I wouldn’t leave so easily. it’s so painful to go through my first pregnancy with a person that ignores both me and my son. I think I should leave but I also feel bad for him because I know that even he says he doesn’t care if I go, underneath all his walls, he fears it so much and just want a family.

@YoxoooYay

Жыл бұрын

oh my...I really hope you leave and find some family member who can help you out of this. you shouldnt be going through this and especially not your child..please get some help this is so sad bless you

@e11erym

Жыл бұрын

Oh... you should be surrounded with abundancy of love and care now! :/ thank you so much for sharing, this might be a wake-up call for girls in the relationships with an avoidant

@limeylemon1685

Жыл бұрын

I really hope that you can either leave, or he and you both get therapy and he learns to give you the love you need. Something needs to change. I wish you all the luck 💜

@veral2274

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry. I nearly got myself into your predicament. He suggested we get pregnant and a couple of days later dumped me on the basis that he felt overwhelmed by the idea. Had I been unknowingly pregnant already, I would now be on my way to becoming a single mum. How can someone want something/ someone so much and be filled with terror when having that.

@latinaalma1947

Жыл бұрын

This was my marriage from 25 to 32 when he died of a heart attack at 47. His death was so traumatic and our daughter never got over it. He actually lied that he was sterile. and she is the result. She was Daddy's little girl and I loved seeing them together. Thank goodness after his death I met a wonderful loving man who helped me raise her...she became a career mikitary pilot.

As someone who is an avoidant, I definitely don’t want to be that way. We do want love but there is such fear of “you’ll hurt me first, I have to leave” . I had become very independent growing up so having someone there all the time is truly daunting. It can feel suffocating because I’m used to just doing it all on my own. Having had abusive situations as well, I can push people away when I begin to feel too attached because I want to avoid the pain altogether. It’s horrible relying on someone only for them to horribly mistreat you but you’re already attached so you keep giving them the benefit of the doubt. But even more horrible when you become avoidant and do it to others. I feel such guilt and confusion because I do care. I’m happy to have discovered my issues so I can work on them. To all my avoidants out there, find the source and begin healing. You aren’t mean and hateful and cold. You’ve been hurt and you deserve healing.

@starlouise397

Жыл бұрын

I feel slight empathy for my ex after reading this... But I just can't go back again it kills me each time he ghosts me and I feel like it's all my fault as an anxious attachment or fear anxious I don't even know what I am he triggered me that much lol

@rvian4

Жыл бұрын

Yeah bro, I feel this hate against avoident is fault from the video. It almost blame it all on anxious ones

@beep6645

Жыл бұрын

@@JB-mh5xy I don’t think it’s as simple as using people as “pawns” lol. Avoidant people aren’t evil, just hurt. like anxious types.

@beep6645

Жыл бұрын

@@starlouise397 definitely don’t expose yourself to someone who is harmful for you. Just because they need healing doesn’t mean you are to be the healer. Take care of you first!

@beep6645

Жыл бұрын

@@JB-mh5xy there’s obviously anger from someone else aimed at me. Avoidant people are still people and vary. I hope you heal from who hurt you

been in a 5 year relationship, im anxious he is avoidant. this video literally described us to the tea the sad thing is even though i know its a cycle i love him and i constantly betray myself bc i dont want HIM to feel abandoned even tho he always makes me feel it.

@lyricaldestruction603

3 жыл бұрын

same here, i always put her over me and wanted it to work, never thought of leaving so she did, sad to say she was my best friend of 5 years too, currently in no contact for 2 months now

@whydoyoukeeptalking

2 жыл бұрын

@@lyricaldestruction603 at least you're out of it now

@AAA-pt7ix

2 жыл бұрын

don’t waste ur time because your going to regret every moment you don’t change it

@Erin-zb9yj

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah :\

@PersianPurrrrsuasion

2 жыл бұрын

I was in this same cycle nearly 18 years! I am the anxious, he is the avoidant. Except he left every time we got in an argument rather than staying and fixing things, then he’d come back promising he would change and even changing at first but it would always go back to the same thing! It was HELL! I wish I could take back every second. I can only move forward now and learn from my mistake! Don’t waste any time on someone who cannot meet your needs the same way you meet theirs! It’s not worth it and the change won’t last long if they are not an extremely consistent person!

Was in one of these for four years. I finally decided to move on with my life and continue the pursuit of growth on my own. I was willing (and tried my best) to do the necessary work of both understanding and shifting our dynamic, but I couldn't do it alone. I now know I need to stop equating that distant feeling of longing and yearning with love. I think the most challenging aspect of being an anxiously attached person is feeling "OH, if I can just FIX my behavior, my partner will love me" but ... alas. Takes two to tango.

We all gotta re-parent ourselves with loving voices!

My ex husband was a fantastic guy but as I was falling more and more in love with him every year he seemed to be loving me less. We never argued, but he withdrew and we lived like roommates for a few years. He never let me in and we never bonded. Then he subtly began treating me like a roommate you want gone but don’t want to ask them to leave. He seemed a little annoyed with me often. It was gut wrenching to leave. It would have been easier if he was an asshole, but he’s a lovely person and otherwise everything I wanted in a partner. The mourning was really painful and I had some very dark days. It’s been 3 years and I finally feel ready to move on, but my heart still hurts when I think of him and I still wonder what I could have done for us to have stayed together even though I know it couldn’t be fixed. *sigh*

@roulis1151

Жыл бұрын

I feel you. I am at the just roomates phase for like 4 months. After a misscariage. Guess why....

@Moonstonee212

Жыл бұрын

Hey so he did not ask you to come back??

@CatharticSense

Жыл бұрын

Did you communicate about any of this? How did that go?

@marianacampos7959

Жыл бұрын

I am on the same page. Except my husband had been a cheater all along. I stopped doing a lot for him, wouldn't cook or wash his clothes etc. because I felt that I was just getting used. He never appreciated what I did, and always seemed to be annoyed by me. He also put me down and when I gained a significant amount of weight he made it clear to me that he didn't want a fat wife. I started working on myself, managed to lose 50lbs from the 66 I originally gained...but even then it wasn't enough for him. Even when I was fit he still cheated, I've learned that there was nothing I could do for him to see my worth. He doesn't allow himself to form deep connections. He likes to chase and have superficial relationships. Sex was easy for him, intimacy wasn't. He never let me in. I always felt alone and unloved. We are now divorcing, and it feels horrible, because I still have to see him at work. I still love him and I wish I didn't.

Yeah and my avoidant ex cheated on me twice. And said that's cause he took me for granted and that I was always there, and he didn't think I'd ever leave. He cheated on me twice, lied to me, manipulated me. I left. Self respect is something we all need to adhere to. It's okay to trying to work things out. But when you're demeaned to a fault, and your respect is robbed off of you, please leave. Work on yourself and your happiness. All day, every day. Good relationships with anyone is a must. After all why do we waste the little time we have on this Earth wasting on things and people that/who are out of our control? We can't change anyone. They've to work on themselves. If not, please leave. You matter. Your life matters. Your happiness profoundly matters!

@ChristopherConnors

Ай бұрын

I needed to read this today. Thank you.

This is so true. I am avoidant and she is anxious. I was aware of attachment styles already and proposed to go to a therapist together. She refused, because she feared old troubles from her family arise and she can't handle it. I went myself then. Understood some stuff, prepared to change. But she was too tired and wounded and decided to leave. She was suffering a long time. At first I didn't take her leave seriously, she replied to messages and so on. But later as I understood she was 100% sure to leave, I was completely destroyed. I creeped to her job to have a talk, but she wouldn't listen. The other day to her house, same. She now seems invulnerable and I am just torn to pieces. We kind of swapped roles. She says she has someone already and I don't know if it's true or not. I'm still hoping for something, but the hope erodes every day. Seems like all suffering I was delivering to her through months and years, all returned to me just in 2 days. I've slept like 6 hours in 2 days, can't eat, work, do stuff. This is hell. Can't stay alone, can't sleep without lights. Just crying and moaning when noone hears. Avoidants should be aware of their shit as early as possible. We suffer and torture our loved ones.

@DD-ry4mm

5 ай бұрын

Im feeling the same way.I dont want this guy anywhere near me! Only the thought of him coming back and he always does makes my wrath to grow and not to MENTION my anxiety.This was too hurtful to me.He comes and goes...comes and goes but I opened this door.Now I dont want to talk,I dont want to be friends,I want to close every hole he cant try to crack and enter! Today I woke up THINKING how Im gonna get out of this absolutely hurtful thing.I dont want to "work things out".That would mean more suffering and more stress I just want them to understand he is not allowed to come after me again. I feel sorry for him deep down but im past caring enough to let him destroy my EMOTIONAL HEALTH. I hope you get your chance in case you HEAL but in my case its a absolute NO 😭😭😭

The thing is, the more breakups you go through, the more avoidant and afraid of opening up you become ☹️💔

I finally said Goodbye to my Avoidant Partner today. Hurts like hell. But most probably won't hurt as much as these last 3 years where I tried to build a healthy relationship with someone who thought he wanted it. But couldn't help but run away everytime we would try to make real plans to move forward in our relationship. Thanks for this video. It makes this whole mess so much clearer to me. Good luck to everybody who is trying to get back on their feet after a breakup with their Avoidant lover. You are not alone.

@philosopher905

Жыл бұрын

6 weeks ago. Thanks for your words.

@davidfrancoismutombo4870

Жыл бұрын

But can you at least see the problem with being an "anxious" partner?

@davidfrancoismutombo4870

Жыл бұрын

@Nomad Remote Travelare you familiar with the concept of yin yang? Day and night? Winter and summer? I can go on but you get the gist... just because 2 people or things are polar opposites, doesn’t mean they can’t work. It’s probably the best union found in nature, because it forces balance and forces both parties to perfectly grow in their weaknesses, to become a whole. But only if both are willing and courageous enough to face their flaws.

@ssing7113

Жыл бұрын

Ummm. U realize anxious attachment style isn’t any better then an avoidant. Lol. Both are trying to fill holes in their heart through horrible means The laughter I just have that people think someone is worse then the other

@johannakalytera9574

Жыл бұрын

@@ssing7113 dear stranger on the Internet who laughs at others, I have been in therapy for over 5 years to fix my issues. I have tried and continue to try different methods to be better and not rely on others' love to feel valued. My avoidant ex was also a narcissistic person and did not take care of his mental health. As I was putting hours in meditating, journaling, reading and learning about psychology to help us through, he would just wait for things to get better on their own, putting very little effort in. So I would kindly ask you to consider what an ass you just were with your ignorant comment about a stranger on the Internet. I never said I was a better person, or that he was a bad one. It described the anxious avoidant relationship we had and the pain it caused. Simply put, your comment was out of place, I'm considering you a gigantic piece of shit and wish you a bad day. Cause two can play at that game... Sincerely, A French anxious lover you never met and know very little about.

I've been in an on and off relationship with an avoidant for the last 6 years. It's an emotional roller coaster. It's like nothing is enough and the good happy times don't last long at all. It's also so difficult to let go, but it's a must. They cannot offer you long term happiness or commitment. It's a big waste of time and energy.

@zizi9028

2 жыл бұрын

Hey how are you now?

@gyutzaa

2 жыл бұрын

@@zizi9028 Hey! Firstly, thank you for asking. 💕 Well, it went all downhill. I found out he's been cheating on me with multiple women. Wasn't pretty, but I found the strenght to finally let go. I wish I would have let go from the very beginning, but oh well. I'm healing and I'm much happier now. In case you're going through a similar situation, as much as it sounds like a cliché, just make yourself a priority and leave. It will be hard in the beginning, but it's worth it. I promise. 🙏🏼

@theguy4615

2 жыл бұрын

I was with an avoidant on and off for 20 years. Finally walked away for good.

@2WOKE-

2 жыл бұрын

Soooooo true!!!

@tsparkman8116

2 жыл бұрын

@@theguy4615 20 years? Were you guys married? I wanna know more cus I’m 4 years deep with an avoidant but don’t wanna let go. Despite the issues, I’m still happy like 80% of the time. I’m depressed for other reasons regardless of a relationship

I’ve been in a relationship with an avoidant man for 11 years and after time I’ve just learned to live with it and try to understand him, he’s not a bad person so I’ve decided to stay at this point BUT I’m never satisfied/happy with the relationship and I’m just now learning to be ok with that, chasing happiness is not always the right thing to do believe it or not

I see this in my relationship. As an avoidant, to know that im hurting my partner makes me so sad to my core. I dont even realize what Im doing. I love him endlessly but whenever I feel suffocated I close off. I want to work on myself to make it work I truly do. I guess the amount of introspectionI need to still do is immense. I love my partner so so much. As an avoidant, you dont even realize the mind games you play. We text constantly and it’s hard to form boundaries. I find myself pushing away and not cuddling as much. An anxious person will pick up on any change then it’s detrimental. I feel almost disgusting for the way I make him feel and i doing even notice it. I truly want it to work and understand his vocabulary. I want yo give him the reassurance he needs. Im so deathly afraid but i know I want to change my patterns

Is it possible to be anxious only because she is avoidant? Where as with other normal partners I'm pretty chill and not so needy.

@tbo2120

5 жыл бұрын

TheJuansanjuan I think so. At least, I believe this is my scenario.

@lolomg1090

4 жыл бұрын

TheJuansanjuan that’s my situation

@shubhanginisharma4475

4 жыл бұрын

My situation

@jackyp1893

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, this is exactly what has happened be to me. I was raised into an anxious-avoidant but have made huge strides to become more secure and it has shown in recent years. I started dating an avoidant and could feel myself backsliding in my thoughts and behaviour. I know I still have a lot of work to do, and it sucks it didn't work out with him. But I'm a firm believer that an avoidant person's behavior can throw anyone off unless they are someone very detached and maybe equally not as empathetic.

@seriouslymcnope

4 жыл бұрын

I believe I was an Avoidant until I dated an Avoidant.. than became an Anxious after rollercoaster of a hellish relationship.. now I'm still a weird mix of both with a man with a healthy attachment style.

I’m an avoidant and even though I’m aware of the causes of my faults and am frustrated with not being able to reciprocate affection, I just can’t do it. I’m so self aware about it but I physically can’t get loving words out of my mouth or bring myself to be the first to initiate physical contact, even though sometimes I actually want to. It feels like having an invisible muzzle on? I just assume that every time I reach out, I will be rejected or overwhelmed with an affectionate response. I’m working on it though.

@elyabaker7440

3 жыл бұрын

i definitely resonate with this. like the words of affirmation are on the tip of my tongue but the idea of being vulnerable and softening up makes me deeply uncomfortable. definitely have to work on it daily because it hurts being called cold and emotionless. i’m so full of love but it’s so hard to show it :(

@reyr.7439

3 жыл бұрын

Talk about it with your partner so they understand. Also talk with a counselor if you can.

@znvorz

3 жыл бұрын

i mean thats good if youre working on it but dont get into relationships with people if youre knowingly hurting them. thats shitty

@jomomma624

3 жыл бұрын

@@elyabaker7440 awwwww stop y’all make me want to love y’all even more 😩😩🥰

@daysixstrashenthusiast1512

2 жыл бұрын

i hear you, thank you for sharing

Going to therapy, being diagnosed with BPD and learning about my anxious-avoidant attachment style has been such a crazy eye opener to why I’m the way I am in relationships. Simply being aware of all of this helps me so much, though it doesn’t just make the feelings and fears go away.

@Chenoah.

Жыл бұрын

Same boat! I have been doing extensive research on BPD and trying to understand how I also may come off in a relationship. I am realizing I am not perfect but also my needs aren't being met as an anxious attachment with an avoidant and that sets my BPD off in many ways.

i was stuck in this cycle for almost 3 years, definitely one of the hardest relationships/ break up I’ve ever had.

Run from the avoidant, you won't get anxious

Isn’t this what the game of love is though? Either a) learning to communicate your needs and boundaries to the other person or b) finding someone who gives you the right balance of space and affection? It takes two mature self aware people to figure out their piece in the equation. This is why love is tough but not impossible!

@bengelukkig3738

3 жыл бұрын

Spot on

@Raul.bm7

2 жыл бұрын

I thought exactly the same, isn't this just love? lol without this fucking game there is no game, remove the conflict and you're left with nothing

Currently in exact situation as described. This is my first relationship that has been going on for 2 years. In recent times, things started to get a bit too cold. I'm the anxious one in this relationship. I don't get enough attention, like few minutes per day, while I can see her beaing online. Then, out of frustration I say that I'm upset and that I don't like this feeling that I feel. She tells me to not make drama out of nothing and ignores me for some more time. In that time, I'm literally going mad. After some time, she gradually makes me feel happy again but it's not lasting. And the cycle keeps going on. I don't think I want this anymore. I never wanted a relationship in a first place, but now I became too attracted and I can't let go, but I know that for my own mental good, I should.

@Joshbaldophotography

2 жыл бұрын

yeah was just in that exact same situation. "Dont be dramatic and spin it and then gaslight me" is what my ex always said. Never knew wtf was going on. I'd say get out as hard as it is. I thought I was going crazy honestly, everything was super overreacted to.

@mooninpisces777

2 жыл бұрын

tbh it sounds like you’re being manipulated. wanting attention is not wrong we all have needs. you should look up stonewalling emotional abuse. thats what this sounds like. it depends on how much you want this relationship to work but just be aware that this person doesn’t seem very invested.

@bezlikiy.

7 ай бұрын

same thing

This is exactly my boyfriend and I. I am the avoidant partner and he is the anxious. We went through a very rough time in the beginning trying to figure each other out but over the course of a few years we have really implemented great change into our relationship. You have to identify the root of your behavior in order to change it. You also have to feel safe in an environment in which to change. It’s not the easiest path but we both have and are still learning about ourselves and each other.

I was the avoidant one, he was the anxious one. After our first breakup, the roles were switched.

@Project199x

5 жыл бұрын

Sounds like my situation. But I'm not needy though. I just lay the stuff on the table about how she made me feel about a certain situation.

@linhschannel2378

4 жыл бұрын

This cracks me up ... omg >.

@autorefresher1

4 жыл бұрын

Honestly, sounds like he's just sick and tired of the relationship, and only stayed out of his inherent niceness

@autorefresher1

4 жыл бұрын

Edit: sorry, meant to say he's sick and tired of your attitude. Just want to make it clear that its your fault

@TotallyGlar

4 жыл бұрын

@@autorefresher1 haha yes I think he didn't enjoy how I was avoidant/anxious, but it's not my fault. And no, it wasn't any inherent niceness on his part, he broke up with me and asked me to get back with him after being friends for 3 months. I should've said no.

great now you just described one of my most emotionally draining relationships with me being the overly attached one

I used to be avoidant. My partner was anxious and it was extremely hard for the both of us as shown by this clip. It was only when I started looking deep into myself and my childhood trauma that I realized what I needed to work on and by acknowledging, addressing and finding solutions to be better not only for myself but for my relationship. It took a lot of shadow work and self awareness, a few years later I’m at a much better place mentally and can confidently say I have a secure attachment style. Things have gotten much better with my partner since I started doing the work and I helped them work on their anxious attachment. We both benefited tremendously.

@MrJgreenwell2000

2 жыл бұрын

:)

@nickskywalker2568

2 жыл бұрын

What about your anxious partner?

@lbeorlegz

2 жыл бұрын

That's nice to know! The biggest problem is when people aren't up for doing the work that's needed, because, as you show it in your case, it is possible. Also, this styles can be very relational too, I guess. I don't consider myself an anxious partner, but when having a relationship with an avoidant, it's basically impossible to be the secure one.

@JT-gs1sj

2 жыл бұрын

@@nickskywalker2568 sorry I thought I replied to your comment. To answer your question, he’s also become secure. If you’d seen us both for all that we were in the beginning to the middle of our relationship, you’d think there’s no way they’d last. In all honesty, I believe it would’ve been a little easier for my partner to become secure compared to me being the avoidant. But in order for that to happen for my partner, I had to do it first and foremost because I’ll admit, I was the bigger, if not, the biggest part of the problem. Obviously I didn’t see it at the time. That was proven when I started doing the inner work and my partner followed through nicely. Which makes sense because in order for my partner to become secure, it had to start with me first. Now we’re in a much better space than we were before. Of course it isn’t perfect and we still have problems here and there like every relationship, but the truth is, if I never changed that, there’s no way we’d still be together and married in the end.

@sewgeekdesigns9113

2 жыл бұрын

I’m glad I read this comment ❤️

I know I'm the avoidance one and this video honestly helped me see what I need to work on. Communication hasn't been my strong suit, but I've been working on it to make my partner feel more heard and seen :)

I was in a relationship like that once as the anxious one. After about three cycles I eventually walked away. It hurt at first but it was a wonderful decision and I've never been happier than I am now with my current partner.

this describes the relationship I just ended today. cold, distant and intentionally withholding emotions as some sort of punishment are words I used to describe him. It was frustrating because I kept feeling like maybe am not enough for him or there's something I'm doing wrong. he would also be harsh with his words, saying the exact things he knew would break me down. also, we were on and off, and exactly as it's been put in the video, I, the anxious one, would come running back to him once he showed his "vulnerable" side. still, it's left me feeling used n manipulated

@sab5686

5 жыл бұрын

don’t go back to him, he’s kind of manipulating you

@sarasjourney666

5 жыл бұрын

I was in the same situation for 8 months. I left him exactly a week ago. I ugly cried hysterically for the first day but from yesterday I finally accept it and started moving on. I’m finally feeling free❤️ I could say I’m happy now!

@fridachemutai5237

5 жыл бұрын

I don't know why when we are walking out they start showing affection n interest? are they wired to love in a manner where they are able to show their emotions when they're being abandoned? urgh am glad that relationship ended. am never going to date someone who withholds his emotions for me!

@gew977

5 жыл бұрын

same here. he discarded me because i was too needy and he didnt have time to try for our relationship but i miss him

i’m a recovering anxious partner, my partner is a recovering avoidant. The end of the video hit it on its head, it’s about realization and working on meeting the partner halfway, seeing when you’re slipping into old patterns and aim to find middle ground. perhaps you’ll even empathize with where the other is coming from. i enjoyed the video :)

This is frighteningly accurate and well animated. How dare you make me stare into my own soul.

I've been in this kind of relationship for a while. As the anxious one I think this is really a good thing for me because I'm finally learning to be independent and not rely on my partner for all my emotional needs. Hes like a constant reminder to me to look within myself before blaming all my problems on someone else. Also since we've been together he has finally learned to open up and Express his feelings even if that is uncomfortable for him. Maybe together we can finally be normal people 😅

@milamila9642

3 жыл бұрын

Are you still w this person?

@billyhulk9857

3 жыл бұрын

THANK YOU for this comment. THANK YOU. A fucking anxious one taking responsibility instead of fucking blaming. I'm sick and tired of people accusing the other person and looking for shortcomings. I could be considered avoidant but I got tons of love to give, I just need time and space and understanding so I can trust the other person. Stop pushing me so much to show my feelings the way you want to receive them and start looking at the way I am indeed showing them. And I'm doing my best so you can feel loved as well. All I need is to get to know you so I can trust you. At the meantime I REALLY am doing my best to make you feel appreciated. Spend some time with yourself, show me that you can do that so I don't have to feel like a piece of shit for needing space and time by myself or my friends. I fucking love you from the depths of my heart, just give me time and understanding while I'm doing that with you....

@serenasaystoday

3 жыл бұрын

@@milamila9642 sorry I didnt see this reply until now! Yep we're still together, we've been married for 3 and a half years now.

@serenasaystoday

3 жыл бұрын

@@billyhulk9857 sorry you're going thru it friend. I know how hard it is. I cant give much advice except patience, because it takes a lot of time for two people to understand each other. I hope the best for you and your partner (or future partner)

@billyhulk9857

3 жыл бұрын

@@serenasaystoday Unfortunately she broke up with me so all hopes for understanding are gone. Of course I'm doing my best to figure me out. But it hurts to lose the person I loved when I was so willing to work things out. Oh well, it is what it is I guess.

this sounds like my ex and i. swear, our relationship was exhausting on my part (im the anxious one). it's a never-ending cycle. im just happy that it's over and that i learned my lesson. our relationship really changed me into someone less anxious.

@redhat5384

5 жыл бұрын

Reika Lagarico Same here girl. I am glad it's over but I still fear that I will attract avoidant partners in the future. I tried really hard to make things work but in the end there was no other solution but to end it.

@crazylittlepartytifs

5 жыл бұрын

Red Hat even if you do attract another avoidant in the future, you'll know what you're dealing with and you'll recognize the pattern. you won't be stuck not knowing what to do. you can just kick that douchebag's ass to the curb and move on to someone better👌👌👌

@intrigue8664

5 жыл бұрын

I get it, but let's not call names unless, there were other problems. I'm definitely more avoidant and I wish I could be on another level for secure or anxious attachment types. I despise myself for feeling like I can't keep my feet on the ground, have less air to breathe and am being changed. Hopefully a successful pairing is in your future!

@redhat5384

5 жыл бұрын

Intrigue Even though I have a problem with avoidant partners I still on the other hand understand them. I think that both anxious and avoidant people are on opposite ends of the same line so in a way we are attracted to each other because we are so similar. Of course my anxiety bothers me as well. And seeing that you recognise your avoidance as a problem is the first step to making a change. There are people that are so far in that they don't even recognize it as a problem.You can change if you want to but of course some real effort has to be made since this has been accepted as a part of us. I wanted to change my partner by loving him but now I see how silly that was since it only leads to the opposite effect.

@brookenicole6937

5 жыл бұрын

Me too :( My dismissive avoidant partner ended things with me after we had went on an amazing trip together and celebrated our one year anniversary. Literally like 3 days after he called me and told me he isnt happy and that i deserve better. We broke up. Do you think this is a common thing for this type of attachment style to do? Everytime we would be good he would go cold or so something to push me away. I thought i was crazy but after reading other peoples stories i dont feel so crazy.

Both parties need to work together. I lost my avoidant queen best woman I ever met. We were aware of this but I said one hurtful thing after two years of the hot n cold treatment and she folded. She made me feel so loved and our relationship had everything I'd just trigger her everytime we really connected deeply (6weeks on repeat) she ripped my heart out

@anaban9633

Жыл бұрын

i don't understand it but perhaps videos Ana Runkle , Crappy childhood fairy, could be good for you. Please check them if you are still hurting. Wish you all the best!

I'm anxious avoidant, and he was avoidant dismissive. It really was awful. When he gave me attention, it felt like the sun, I'd forgive a lot to absorb the attention from him. When I got upset, he'd back off 10 degrees. When I became avoidant, he wanted me again, OR entirely ignored me until I got anxious again. As I'm in therapy, and avoiding protest behavior, I moved on to someone with a healthy attachment style. We just didn't have a healthy dynamic. I felt neglected a lot, and I'm sure he felt overwhelmed a bit. When I left, the last time, he just seemed to expect to be abandoned. I felt he pushed me to leave him, and then was upset when I did. We broke up and got back together like 5 times.

anyone else triggered by the tic tac toe game at the end? O missed an opportunity to win but then X didn't block that move next turn. sloppy strategy

@ElizabethRival

5 жыл бұрын

Yeah, at first I thought it was going to be a lesson in not going with your instincts for the win to the detriment of your partner. I thought instead they would tie illustrating both people "winning" through compromise... but that didn't happen either so I dont get it.

@TheProductiveProcrastinator

5 жыл бұрын

I guess they are trying to say that instead of trying to win and beat your opponent, both of you intentionally lose so that you both win i.e. find a compromise.

@cherisew

3 жыл бұрын

😭😂😭

I was in this relationship, I was the anxious one. What I did was teach myself to be complete, secure & happy without him. Now 5 years later we couldn’t be closer and happier

@jeanetteandradevicente9126

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds great that you are now happy together. I am in this type of relationship and would love to know what you did an how you did it. I also wish to stay with my man but right now its sometimes hard when he is so avoidant. Pls tell me how you did it.

@taliahblair91

Жыл бұрын

@@jeanetteandradevicente9126 I also would love to heal your journey!

@JD-jz8vl

Жыл бұрын

Yes I get that!, my bf and I went through a semi break up, he is avoidant and I am generally secure attachment but became anxious while with him. I've done the same as you, we only see each other two or three days a fortnight and are now really happy together. He's also more respectful of my feelings now Update: I walked away 2 months ago and I'm not looking back. Blocked no contact. He believes his own lies. 🚷☮️

@katebutt

Жыл бұрын

bet

@katebutt

Жыл бұрын

@@JD-jz8vl yayy

Oddly, my fear of engulfment also extends to my family members as well. I find it extremely unsettling sometimes that i sit down too closely with my father, brother and mother to enjoy a movie together as a warm family. Often I'd feel guilty that plenty others who walk this planet cold and alone, would kill just to savour this moment. Here I am taking it for granted and even feeling at odds with it. I don't know what makes me recoil and want to jump up and distance myself, but this video seems to be getting at that direction somewhat.

I see many here almost demonizing avoidants, I am an anxious attachment and while I wear my heart on my sleeve and I’m willing to jump for my partner at any moment it can become suffocating and quite annoying I’m sure to always have to give reassurance. They’re both hard attachment styles to deal with.

The avoidant one was more attached to me at first! And when we broke up she let all the emotions out and said she desperately wants us to work out someday. I felt really annoyed that all the emotion I wanted only came out when she lost me. It’s not her fault but it is her responsibility to fix it, as it is for me with my anxious tendencies

@guenonentertainment681

3 жыл бұрын

same here, I told him "you only value. me when I'm gone"

@zye....

2 жыл бұрын

How did you react?

@joceduck

2 жыл бұрын

this! my bf was way more attached at the start and now i get no affection; constantly having to beg for it

@Heather-fx7sr

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you making this important point! People pick up their attachment styles during childhood in response to the instability of love in their family and parent relationships; it’s not their fault for having a certain style, but it absolutely IS their responsibility to recognize their patterns and do the necessary work to heal and grow. I have made the decision that I will not date anyone who is not actively working on themselves to heal and be whole and wholly present

@andylevingston16

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah I feel

avoidant type here, and even though emotional intimacy isn't easy to us by any means, it doesn't seem like a reason to write off ALL avoidant types for good. A truly balanced relationship would allow the avoidant type to step out of their comfort zone by giving and receiving affection in the same way an anxious type would step out of their comfort zone by developing a stronger sense of emotional independence a lot of these comments seem to show a disdain for all avoidant partners, but they are still out there and are willing to work on themselves in pursuit of a stronger romantic relationship

@donlleyo11

2 жыл бұрын

The problem is that there is so much patience and time invested into working with the avoidant. The avoidant partner, tho they have their reasons, get involved and do all of the things the anxious partners wants. Then the abrupt or slow pull away, and work it takes to get them back. That yo-yo effect is what drives people that are anxious (a person like me) tho they can stable and independent, to the point of being…well anxious and frustrated. Both have their sides but damn, it hurts when the pull away happens sudden and often.

@sincity.stardust

2 жыл бұрын

In my opinion people need space and time for themselves to expand as an individual so that they could show up as the best version of themselves for their partner. I think that goes for both attachment styles, but I do understand how an anxious partner would feel if their partner just upped and ventured on their own if they normally spend a lot of time together. I just think at the end of the day we as a collective got to remember that we have to feel whole within ourselves to feel whole with another.

@supernova11711

2 жыл бұрын

What if you just dated another avoidant? It seems obvious…or would that not work either? Seems to me like it SHOULD work though.

@letstalkintersectionalinte7681

2 жыл бұрын

I hear just because an anxious person is declaring their love from the mountain tops doesn’t mean it’s real. They’re looking for something they didn’t get in life. I think many are looking for a parent type of love.

@kristen6207

2 жыл бұрын

Anxious married to avoidant here! This evolution is exactly what happened in my relationship with my now husband. Although sometimes I crave more emotional intimacy overall I do have a greater sense of emotional independence. It's not someone else's job to make me happy. And my avoidant husband has become more expressive as the years have gone on. He still struggles when I do get emotional but we come together in the end and he's able to understand my perspective when I have a chance to calm down and self analyze. I try my best not to push him or harshly criticize because because research has given me insight into his attachment style. Just had a first kid and I cab truly say we're happy. Now it's just a matter of ensuring our daughter grows up secure instead of having to suffer thanks to our own personal hangup.

This video really gives me relief as being anxious one. It was my first relationship and ended with lots of frustration, infact it was started turning into suicidal thoughts. I couldn't forgive myself with the sense of guilt that i wasn't enough for her and i could still convince her but may be we both were good at our place but that was never meant to sustain. Anyways if you are reading this i am sorry for everything.😢

@Cat-Nipples

6 ай бұрын

I got suicidal too cus we were supposed to be partners for life, it only lasted a year

I was a happy, optimistic person before my relationship with an avoidant. The relationship changed me into a resentful, melancholic, and insecure mess. I didn't even recognize me anymore after a time. I am not that person. The me that I know is warm, and strong, and happy. With the avoidant partner, I was so fucking sad and lonely all the time. It is hell to love and not receive love back. Words alone mean nothing when the other person's actions don't match what they say. Walk away from the avoidant type as quickly as you can. They are damaged goods. If they are not willing to change, being with them will only poison your soul. And you deserve so much better than that. Love yourself enough to walk away.

@mugen3603

2 жыл бұрын

@@sincere42O Don't ignore the warning signs, my friend. I did that. Because I really loved that person and I wanted badly to make it work. I compromised my needs and desires and made excuses when I was unhappy... so that I could remain with that person. But it didn't work. Love cannot be sustained in that kind of environment. When one partner reaches out and the other turns away... how can any love survive that kind of dynamic? All I accomplished by staying was wasting my time and prolonging my pain. The relationship ended anyway. If I could go back in time, I would have ended it sooner. It's been a year since I walked away from that person, and I am back to being me again. I'm happy. I found a partner who is able to reciprocate the love that I give and it just... the difference is like night and day. It feels so good to be loved. To be able to talk openly with my lover and not have to walk on eggshells or second guess everything I say. It feels good to be able to trust and feel... safe... safe in another person's love. Go and find that for yourself, friend. Don't waste your time over someone who doesn't know how to receive and reciprocate the love you give them.

@amysuski3440

2 жыл бұрын

@@mugen3603 Your words have helped me so much. thank you and best of luck :)

@amysuski3440

2 жыл бұрын

@@sincere42O I'm about 2 months in from walking away. Been here before, of course. Helps to know there are others out there dealing with the same stuff & I think I'm going to make it this time. Starting to feel the weight of lonliness being lifted by not counting on him already. I don't want to go back to those dark feelings. ever. Best of luck :)

@tsparkman8116

2 жыл бұрын

@@mugen3603 ouch that hurt a lot to read. My gf is that way and we’ve been together for 4 years, she’s my first gf, and honestly I love her so much that I would be down to marry her in the future but like she’s not really the marriage type but says that if there’s anyone who could make her down for marriage it’d be me. I’m like her 4-5th relationship and her longest lasting one and her healthiest one too, but we still obviously got our issues...I don’t wanna move on but I’ve had doubts about us long term for a little while anyways and it’s because of her avoidance.

@iamnahaerys6892

2 жыл бұрын

100%. I may even have had avoidant tendencies in previous relationships with secure and/or anxious partners. But the relationship with an avoidant broke me completely, it changed me from being this "happy go lucky" person into someone who is bitter and resentful and also full of self doubt because of years and years of constant neglect and being put down. I just hope I can be myself again anytime soon.