To the first caller, you are strong. You are level-headed and ready to protect your daughter. Not everyone in your situation can manage, but you have been strong enough to do that.

@christinepoteet4331

2 ай бұрын

Loved this first call 🙏 thank you for your wisdom Dr D. You totally encouraged me to continue facing the fire for the next generation. God bless you Kayla and Dr.

My dad was the cycle breaker for his family. Even as a man so broken he turned to drugs more than once in his life. I never understood when I was young why I was never allowed to stay with friends or certain family members. Once I had my son he opened up to me about him being SA'ed as a kid. He told me how this person would threaten to hurt my grandmother and great grandmother if he ever told. He seemed ok for a while, but the older my son got the more he remembered until he eventually took his own life after his abuser died without him getting closure. He was a wonderful father and grandpa, but what they did to him ruined his mental health and self esteem. To my knowledge he never told anyone but me about what happened to him. In a way I want to tell my grandmother what really took his life. It wasn't an OD it was severe ptsd and guilt for everything that happened to him. I can't even bring myself to call my grandmother at all for fear of ruining her view of herself because she couldn't help him and in the end blamed his drug addiction on his own personal shortcomings. She resented having to take care of him at his age but doesn't realize she failed to properly care for him his whole life. I'm sure he told me so I knew how to keep my son safe, but its definitely a big weight to carry.

I appreciate that Dr. John clarified that although the fathers actions, were evil, vulgar, etc, the mom standing by his side and not protecting her helpless, innocent daughter is also evil. This woman has a mom who has chosen a monster over her own innocent, loving daughter. To make it worse, some moms turn it around and blame the child for the things that happened or say that they are making it up and they are the evil one for accusing a family member or other of such actions. As John said, "You didn't sever this relationship. She did... She left you.... She burned the house to the ground, all you did is close the door and not allow such things to continue on."

My mom as preteen went through a SA court case in the 60's as the victim. It traumatized her forever. She just diagnosed w/Alzheimer's and had her first therapy appt at 72. I'm so proud of her this is all so new to her. -First caller best of luck and great for you for stopping the dysfunction.

I was molested and I'm sorry but I absolutely couldn't sleep with my husband let alone live with the knowledge that he's still breathing the same air as my child if I found out the thought even CROSSED his mind that he saw our child in a sexual light. DISGUSTING. I pray and hope this kind lady finds healing. You don't need to feel regrets, your MOTHER should feel regrets. Major soul crushing identity destroying regrets.

@sarahalderman3126

5 ай бұрын

I feel certain her mother is living with a lifetime of regrets. Imo obviously soul crushing, identity crushing, and life crushing regrets. If she wasn't she would not have lived the life she did. In my experience evil always comes from pain. I experienced similar in my own life and those who hurt me the worst were also hurt the worst. It appears to me that not everyone is able to find the strength to escape the evil surrounding them. Obviously there is no "excuse", just cause and effect.😪

@kconnor2371

5 ай бұрын

This is very true for probably the majority, but definitely not all. There is a percentage of the population that suffers from some form of cluster B disorders and/or dark triad personality. Those type of people can have little to absolute no remorse, and what little remorse that may be is of a self interested nature and to better fit into societal norms. Thankfully, the vast majority of people are not that way. Very true, hurt people hurt others.@@sarahalderman3126

John, I am 62 and cut my mom and dad off at 33 and never had regret. Long story behind the why but I learned to forgive and go forward in my life. So many blessing came from getting out of the toxic family. They have passed and the scripture “he gives you a peace that passes all understanding holds true” but of course it holds true, Gods word cannot lie. Thank you for your podcast and the wisdom you impart to others.

Shame on this woman’s mom. She should have protected her 😢

@kellygreenii

5 ай бұрын

That whole family is broken. Everyone but her is choosing to protect the secrets and the status quo…..😡

@kconnor2371

5 ай бұрын

Yes. @@kellygreenii

The former coach of his kids is heartbreaking. Those boys know down deep that unless they are successful at football they are nothing in their father’s eyes. What a wasted life.

To the SECOND caller NATHAN: go with your bad self, dude! You are fine. Stop stressing. I’m a writer too. It’s consistency that will give you CONFIDENCE. You are young. You need to stop over analyzing yourself and what you think are flaws. You are good. Write, take photos, take a couple of classes, work out. I know you are a cool bro to hang with. Just stay in the present … try not to worry or think too much on the future. Starting now will help you. Deep breath and plunge into this next chapter. You don’t need to set the world on fire . And stop comparing yourself to others. Nathan is great being Nathan ❤

To the first caller -you can do this! My situation was different but Dr. John is right about the grief - it will happen and it’ll kick you in the face. Protect your little girl but let her know it’s not her job to help you feel better. Blessings in your walk with this horrid issue.

I love Brian “Head” Welch! I have his book, ‘Save Me From Myself’. I loved it. He’s been through a lot. What a great guy❤

The tightness in my body is strong. I have my own story. It is good for your soul to get away from your parents. They did not protect you. Yes, you probably loved your mother and her job was to totally protect you. Sending you warrior strength and courage. You and your daughter are worth it.

@vickimerritt2832

5 ай бұрын

Read up on what happens to mothers, and the children, still when the mothers do take steps to protect their children and themselves.

@vickimerritt2832

5 ай бұрын

The lack of courts to do anything to the 1st monster, her dad still exists, Please educate your selves.

I was about to raise my hands and yell, “YOU CAN LIVE WITHOUT REGRET!!!” I have my own situation and I was not sexually abused but I had to cut my father out of my life. People always told me I would regret it when he died and that I should make a mends now. I can tell you with 100% certainty I did NOT regret my decision when he died. I only felt sadness for the father he had the chance to be and was not. Trying to keep this comment from being even longer- a good passage I read was from Lisa Nichols “No Matter What!” on pages 32-33. Paragraphs 3 and 4. Save that in your notes on your phone so you can look into it later!

I dated a retired pro football player about 10 years ago. He was 40 at the time. He'd had 17 concussions that resulted in severe memory issues and big anger issues. Being a pro athlete doesn't necessarily mean your life is gonna be awesome. A lot of pro athletes struggle to transition to regular life after their pro career is over and some, like the guy I dated, basically ruin their future through injuries. I dumped him after 3 months cuz his issues were way too much to deal with. He badly wanted a wife at the time. He's 51 now and still single and now has serious kidney issues as well. The third caller's life sounds much better than that dude's. Perhaps he should be happy he wasn't able to go pro.

Thank you for sharing love with that young man. It even helps me much more at 36 when my friends pretty much just ghost me. Even the men at church seem like zombies. I try to be so present and of service. It’s the burden of those of us who are highly relational in a world that’s faux connected tech wise.

Kayla - So very proud of you for having the courage and bravery to stand up to your mother and abuser. What a wonderful example you are setting to your daughter and others. It's very important for you to find a Therapist that you connect with that you feel safe sharing your story with. It might take a few to find the right fit. Don't give up. The book John recommends The Body Keeps the Score is very helpful. Give yourself a lot of grace and go on and live your best life. You deserve it!

Nathan, wish I had heard this advice when I was 25. I made lots of big moves in life, scared sh**less, my mantra was "no regrets" I am 66 now and can see I did what Dr John advised but it put my nervous system through the ringer, how much healthier to do it consciously. Best of luck to you dear one.

Brian ‘head’ Welch! How amazing.

To the mother abandonment caller. You’re not alone. My mom abandoned me too: she hit me for many years growing up with a horse whip, still denies it but it wasn’t until I got neurological Lyme disease for 12 years and lived in a bed for 4 & could no longer feed myself or sit up or walk that she actually literally abandoned me without so much as a visit - while calling me a hypochondriac (to ease any guilt she may feel by looking at the test results showing it was systemic infection, inflammation & my cells & mitochondria dying & going down as well as my nervous system failing) All of this to say to you: You owe nobody anything that ignores something that ruined your life or was part a cause. It took me decades to understand how truly bad parents can be because with them we feel incomplete as if we should feel and forever feel guilty for not just sticking around to have whatever relationship they want if they want, how they want, when they want. If your body says NO, go. If your heart says no, go. If your sanity says I want to be happy and healthy and it’s impossible to do so when I am in relationship with my mom, go. For me it took me almost dying to see how truly pathological both of my parents ARE and that whatever morality I had keeping me around wasn’t known or shared by either. Love yourself enough to be happy & live a life that doesn’t emotionally exhaust you or have you live in guilt. Parents are NOT held accountable enough for how abusive they can be and you don’t owe them anything. You didn’t ask to be born OR abused. But a mother ought to have to instincts to protect or she was complicit. You don’t have to go because others say so. Make your own decisions and know that when you can’t make decisions to leave abusers it’s due to bad parenting teaching you that your low has to be SO much lower just to be ABLE to leave. They set the bar that low you question if it’s bad enough. Trust yourself. Trust that you have the answers. Live an adult life you wanted your inner child to have. And know there are many of us out there. Stop protecting your parents and open up about it. I felt so good when I stopped feeling bad for telling others what I really went through and stopped protecting my awful parents. Good luck! You are not alone - even without your family if you choose that. Trust yourself and know, hear me say this, it wasn’t your fault. You are strong. You are capable of things you have no idea of. Be the change x Ps, remember this. If your parents abandon you don’t think YOU abandoned them by leaving. They left first. John taught me that.

@queenna1229

4 ай бұрын

Wow! Thank you ! Sending love 💜✨

To first caller: Kayla God bless you. I am in tears. So glad you called in. You are so courageous

Kayla. I have also been abused sexually. You are so brave. ❤. Thank You 🙏 so much for sharing. One day at a time.

@salonsavy6476

5 ай бұрын

So relatable

Nathan - Sounds like you're very self aware. Do you know your MBTI? The book Please Understand Me II helped me give myself grace and better understand myself and others. Kudos to you for having the courage and skepticism to chase your dream. Just know that dreams can be like clouds and change their shape along the journey. Enjoy the adventure!

This last call made me cry so much, I wrote down all the excercises you gave him thank you.

I love the point you made with the second caller about confidence.

Love your new opening, especially the music. The real you !!!

Love the new music! It’s so You and matches your vibe so much better 🎸

Wow! I just live your channel. Thank you for your incredibly healing work.

It’s the hardest thing you can do to cut your parents out. I’m glad there are still therapist out there that understand it is completely necessary in toxic and/or abusive situations. The abuse and toxicity of these parents is obvious. I would be certain that there is so much more subtler unhealthy detrimental thoughts and behaviors past down as well from these parents. It is so strong of you to stop the generational trauma. find your family and what family means, and does for each other, family is much more than just some bloodline.

I like the 25 yr old guy caller. Hes really listening and taking it in. I think he will really take thr advise and run with it.

DJD, you are SO very good at this.

I so needed to hear this. My stepdad abused me and my mom said it was ok. Her reasoning is because it happened to her by her uncle. I broke that cycle protecting my daughter because it’s not ok. It’s just not 😢

@staceystrukel1917

4 ай бұрын

What?!!!!

Your mom isn’t trustworthy and she never will be. She’s not your fault, you’re not her mother. If it helps, think of her as coming from the factory defective. Or damaged on delivery as a “mother”. Your duty is to yourself and your family. I tend to dwell on why people make certain decisions and try to rationalize it. It really doesn’t matter. She’s an adult you were a child. She made adult decisions and hasn’t apologized or changed her ways. In fact she tried to put the onus on you (a child) for wanting a fun vacation. Your mother is a defective piece of work. Cut your losses. Best wishes to you and your family.

You met Brian Head Welch!!! OMG!!!!! Love it!

You rock Doc 😊🎉

It’s better to cut contact when you’ll still think you’d feel regrets.. because if you wait until you know you won’t, something very bad will have happened.

I love your jumper John !! 😍

I relate to you!!! Always wanted to play electric guitar but couldnt for many reasons out of my control but in a parallel universe I imagine myself rocking out in a band too😭

Relate so much to the first story…even now i'm afraid to move out of it. I just been blocking everything out as my mom tells me to ignore it.

Yes! I would love to see an interview with Brian “Head” Welch!!!!

I can relate to the first caller so much.. my mother passed away almost 5 years ago and i battle missing her and having having resentment and peace that she’s no longer here

Dude I love "head" Brian Welsh! Haha. Dr John it would be rad to get nachos with you someday.

Your mother may now feel that she’s in a safe place as to you not wanting to have a relationship with her….because she may think that you could now put this horrible experience behind you or at least not have to look into your eyes of pain any longer. Nothing could be further from the truth. How can a MOTHER lay down with the monster who violated his own daughter is beyond me. May God in his infinite ways bring peace to your soul and to all who have suffered at the hands of those that are suppose to love and protect.

I can literally can watch every episode, you are so wise and professional , being an atheist , I really admire that with your advice you don't just tie it to religion , you let them know how it is and should be

It might help her to write those goodbye letters to her mom that you are always talking about.

I do love the new intro song!!!

My mother admitted, not to me or my siblings, but to someone unrelated to us, that she had known all along. She waited until she was on her death bed, and told me that she had made her peace with God.......that enraged me on a level that I never knew I had in me. She never made her peace with me or my siblings.

@sirtedricwalker2979

4 ай бұрын

Sounds like your mom was a narcissist and waited to inflict pain on you even in her deathbed....she will reap the reward for that evil. It was all a plan for her to get supply (you being enraged) one more time. I wasn't sexually abused but my mom had pleasure emotional abusing me...I went no contact and didn't allow abuse any longer. She died and my older siblings were sick how we were treated...

Wow the first caller’s mother!!!!! 🤬🤬🤬😡😡🤬🤬🤬

Here! ❤

PLEASE get Doctor Mike on the show for an interview!! That would be an incredible conversation.

Uncle Rico reference! 😂

To the first caller….i went through similar situation…..you are stronger for your your daughter and you will be a great mom. About your mom….. after you process your anger on the other end you will ultimately deserve and desire peace. What helped me tremendously was prayer… Daily prayer and saying the rosary.

Oh man just because you closed the door doesn’t mean you kicked them out. Such powerful words.

First caller , we are one and the same. I pray for you. Everyday is a struggle. You are not alone.

Not John calling him uncle Rico 😂 😭

I believe that the reason the last person we finally look at clearly is our mom, when there’s been abuse, is because it is so counterintuitive to believe that mom did nothing. But the icing on the cake is that when you do finally start asking questions, mom says things like “that isn’t how it happened” “why are you dwelling on the past” “oh my gosh let it go and don’t be bitter”….. and those comments are 100x more destructive and difficult to overcome than the original issue.

@kconnor2371

5 ай бұрын

This is so true. And as a society, we have a hard time just looking at any females as being heinous, but for some reason we don’t have any problems of looking at males being heinous. Motherhood elevates this effect to another level.

All I heard was everything John said going over Football Guy's head.

Thinking you were gonna be of all things a third round draft pick, and then not only going undrafted but not even getting signed to a practice squad is a suspiciously long fall from just one conversation with a head coach. Like, surely there was plenty of film on the guy.

That’s me all the way! I’m nerd studying to become a therapist, yet I’m a multifaceted artist who dreams about having her own metal band! 😎🤘🔥🤣😬😅😜

@kconnor2371

5 ай бұрын

Right there with ya

@analozada9475

5 ай бұрын

@@kconnor2371😎🤘🔥🎸🔥

yay Kayla!!!

She didn't protect you when u were a child now she ll not protect the grand daughter too...keep her away from ur daughter....

Hey Dr. John, Respectfully, I know you’re not the money expert there at Dave Ramsey… but I really value your opinion! Kind of having a career crossroads. I’ve been following the Dave Ramsey steps for over eight years, paid off all my debt minus the house… fast forward to today, I’ve been wanting to switch careers from engineering to becoming a pilot… I’ve saved up enough money to pay off the house, but pilot school is expensive. Should I go ahead and pay the house off and cash flow pilot school at a nice easy pace or… nevermind I think I answered my own question typing this out! Thanks for all you do with mental health sir! (To be honest I also asked George but he’s too famous now…)

@Traps_Trades

5 ай бұрын

@@SarahConnor562 “if you’re working full time and flying in your spare time I wouldn’t think it would make much of a difference.” You’re spot on!! I’m going to put the extra towards the house. Thank you for the help! Also 16 months is super impressive congrats to you two!!! I’ve got a written down goal of getting my commercial in 24 months! Thank you again for the help!

A 3rd round talent inevitably has interest from every single nfl team and would get drafted or at the very least sign as undrafted and make it to camp. My man is delusional unfortunately and needs to let it go

@melanieb2132

5 ай бұрын

Not to mention, that's not anything to be ashamed about. NFL is the best of the best of the best. If you almost, almost made it.. then you probably are a still a damn good football player. Life is still worth living if you didn't make the NFL.

To the first caller…. I am going through a similar situation right now, and I have been no contact for two and a half years with my mother. Two weeks ago I was served with court paperwork where she is suing me for grandparent rights. Protect yourself from that possibility as much as possible! Look up statutes in your state.

@LL-yy6mn

Ай бұрын

I'm not sure of the year but the Supreme Court of the U.S. settled a case like this in favor of parents. Parents have the absolute right to say who is or isn't around their children! Please look up the statute. States can not supercede federal law. I wish you the best.

I hope people understood the Napoleon Dynamite reference!!!!!

@savvyc.4328

5 ай бұрын

Right?? That had me cracking up

Did I miss something, or with that first caller didnJohn not give her any advice on how to handle the hard? What am I missing?

Regarding Caller 1: John, would you cover the otherside of this, the mother's side, the person who chose the monster... why do people do this? Why do people choose to support the monsters?

@DedeMattix

5 ай бұрын

What I've learned about my mother: not a monster. Past history of abuse herself (unresolved), deep shame core, tons of learned helplessness from living in years of mental abuse. Look up learned helplessness in domestic abuse. Helped me on my forgiveness journey. It explains, but doesn't excuse, her choices.

@auemmjee

5 ай бұрын

Holding others accountable means we are at risk for being held accountable for our own stuff and most people prefer to pretend that no one is doing anything wrong so that their own misbehavior isn't called into question. My mother, who abused drugs and alcohol when I was a child, became emotionally abusive to me last year when I was going through a crisis and in a deep depression. My brothers and older sister-in-law all found ways to justify or excuse her behavior. I ended my relationships with all of them. I had already spent many years working through my childhood stuff and forgiving my mother so there was no coming back after she became emotionally abusive to me when I was highly vulnerable as an adult. She neglected my older brother when he was a child as well, to the point where he ultimately ran away and went to live with another family when he was 14, so him defending her was pretty crazy; he knows exactly how uncaring she can be. Sometimes I'm curious about how they respond when people in their lives ask about me, but I don't miss them.

Can someone please tell me the name of the author he mention about looking back please and thank you

@karr1990

5 ай бұрын

If you’re talking about the author on grief, it is David Kessler.

It's so weird to me that a guy who's career is based on the internet insists that the internet is not real life.

🤘🏼

I know of a situation where the little girl was molested by the stepdad's son. The stepdad's son is not in the picture anymore (lives far away). Should the mom divorce the stepdad because it was his son that did this?

@blueseptember2174

5 ай бұрын

They shouldn't divorce if the step-dad held his son accountable and dropped him off at the police station and said I always love you but I don't condone what you've done so to maintain the peace and safety of my wife we will not have interactions anymore.

@brooke9847

5 ай бұрын

Imo yes, especially if the stepdad is remaining in contact with his son and/or knew about the abuse. I do not know the age of the little girl but legal action should be pursued. He is a danger to others and she deserves justice.

@williamr4053

5 ай бұрын

For the third caller, life hits you hard when people have told you since you were a tween that if you keep this up, and continue to improve, you have a good shot at making it to the league. Many people ignore “have a good shot” and all they hear is I’m going to get drafted, because I know I’m good enough. Sadly, the world sorts us all out. I have my failures as well. I do stand by the age old statement of those who can’t do, teach. We all have to process our dreams that turned into “failures”. Sure, you failed making it to the league, but you still have value and you can still be an asset as a coach, mentor, advisor, etc. Not making it to the league does not have to be chiseled onto your tombstone. That was your identity at one time in your life, but it no longer has to be. Dr. Deloney was spot on calling him Uncle Rico. You have to let it go, because no one cares to hear what you could have been, 20 years later. Now it’s what have you done since then.

I wonder what happened with the mom in her childhood for her to be so casual about this. Unbelievable 😢

@lizwiens671

5 ай бұрын

@@SarahConnor562 not saying it’s an excuse but people that have grown up with abuse being normalized might react this way. It probably happened to her and somehow she was told or she came to believe it wasn’t a big deal which is horrifying

@auemmjee

5 ай бұрын

​@@lizwiens671a lot of people are just weak-minded when it comes to confrontation and standing up for what's right....no need to assume she had trauma

@mmkvoe6342

5 ай бұрын

Exactly. My parents were how they were (sometimes abusive and always co-dependent and so on) because they had grown up that way, so they didn't know better and also would push back when their kids objected to how they treated us and each other.

Females often do

@brooke9847

5 ай бұрын

As much as you comment this on every video, just be with men. You obviously hate women.

You got hotter speaking about KORN 😅 now I see a hot John

After I watched a number of shows with Dr. John and being also a victim of sexual abuse, I feel that the doc has strong bias related to this topic. His attitude of removing these people from your life and demonizing them is triggering and doesn't help.

@kconnor2371

5 ай бұрын

There is a massive amount of human understanding related to the topic. From psychology to therapy to philosophy to mathematical statistical analysis to even several thousand year-old aseops Fables like the scorpion and the frog crossing the river. The collection of evidentiary knowledge does not necessarily mean a bias with that said, removing people from your life may not be helpful for you, and I hope you find the resources to work through all what may be troubling you. You can disagree with his assessment of removing people from your life, but he clearly does not demonize them.

@pejisan

2 ай бұрын

no, he does question what happened to them to be what they are