I was a stay at home mom. When I'd had a stressful day, I'd put a sign on the door from the garage into the home. I'd simply say, "Enter at your own risk." He knew before entering that I needed tenderness. Our daughters never knew I posted such a sign. But they benefitted because their father was quick to give attention. He's a mature man, not a boy. blessed.

@user-re7wt2yc8b

3 ай бұрын

It's lovely to read that. You are both lucky to have each other.

@lala5061

Ай бұрын

U are 1 lucky woman 😌

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Love this idea!! Great communication

1st caller, be very careful and smart about leaving. Call the police and ask for advice. This guy could become violent.

Sounds like he love-bombed her. Her relationship sounds like one I was in some years back - I I had to send selfies of myself to him throughout the day and wanting to know where I am, what I'm doing, who I am with...and the jealousy, possessiveness and narcissistic behaviour that followed was next level. Darling please run!

@cucar8363

7 ай бұрын

😮😮😮😮 that's terrible!!

@patriciaalbertson5183

7 ай бұрын

Hell, on Earth. Who needs that

Caller #1: Girl run!!! It will get worse and every time you concede and comply, he will continue to escalate. You’ll end up with no friends and no privacy. Worst case scenario: any expression of your autonomy might escalate into violent behavior from him. Breaking up to manipulate you? This isn’t normal, trust your gut, it will never be a good relationship (I’ve been there).

@rileyforbes7881

7 ай бұрын

I so agree!!! I'm scared for this girl

@patriciaalbertson5183

7 ай бұрын

Run. Run. Run.....

@patriciaalbertson5183

7 ай бұрын

Also, if someone says, "I'm thinking of breaking up with you", my response has been... Let me help you out with that! Wonderful idea.....AND, then walk over to the door, open it and say good bye...I wish you well., Block calls, do not talk to their relatives either .

@lala5061

Ай бұрын

Yes he will...because (from the horse's mouth) I stayed which means I accepted it AND he said "I didn't stand on it" meaning I didn't go full throttle and full consequences to make him stay away...AND THIS IS FROM THE MOUTH OF AN ABUSIVE MAN! I believe this is what all believers think because it makes sense of how they do what they do! Smh AND he said that and I quote "Im a reactor".....My God this was year 18 when he verbally just flat out started telling me to my face "Im a reactor" oh my God 😭

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Me too and these guys are so not healthy!

Sounds like a killer not a keeper. She needs to be careful when she leaves

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Women’s crisis is a great place for her to go but this is why you don’t have close people on social media and places you can hide! These people can find you. A safety plan is needed

Girl, get away from that controlling guy immediately!!! You don’t want to marry someone like that. And he’s probably acting suspicious of you because HE is doing suspicious things!

@debbielockhart7762

7 ай бұрын

You don't look behind a door unless you've hidden there yourself. 100% of the time a partner of mine started acting jealous was because they had done something.

@dabd8175

7 ай бұрын

Typical female brain 😂

@alleykeosheyan4779

7 ай бұрын

@@debbielockhart7762 "You don't look behind a door unless you've hidden there yourself." SPOT ON!

@justinstewart3248

7 ай бұрын

This is actually not true at all. Controlling and jealous people have rarely done the things they are jealous of or afraid of. It is often to due to other deep insecurities and hurts, and often leads to covert narcissism as a coping mechanism.

@lala5061

Ай бұрын

That's facts! Yes 👏🏽

This guy sets up impossible standards so that she can never win and he can punish her. RUN FORREST RUN!!!!

@lala5061

Ай бұрын

Yeeesss 👏🏽

She sounds so sad and beaten. If she is so scared of him, get out now! Love yourself and your freedom. The guy needs to fix himself, and she can’t help him in this situation. She must be her priority. Wonderful advice John.

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Easier said than done! Safty plan is needed

First Caller: She needs a safety plan to get out. Maybe have someone there when she tells him (or break it off by phone or text or in a public place) and stay with a friend or relative he doesn't know for a while after the break-up. Expect to have him show up at her work and create a scene. Good to have a Ring camera in case of vandalism to home or vehicle. There is a high probability that she will get back with him and they will be in a cycle of being together and broken up again and again with escalating behavior on his part. I hope there is a follow-up on this one.

@GeorgeMoore55

7 ай бұрын

Hi Julia🌹🌹 How are you doing?

Yup. Saucer eyes here!!!! 👀 😳🤯

Girl run. If you go from texting this psycho 15 times a day to 3 times a day, he is going to stalk you. This is frightening.

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

She needs to carry too. I’m talking about a g

Elise , get out now. This does not get better! It will get worse if you get married to him. You owe it to yourself to have a better partner.

@cucar8363

7 ай бұрын

so true!

@pulidobl

7 ай бұрын

It. Will. Get. Worse. Living it. RUN!!!!

#2 - I think it's best not to try too hard to connect. Sometimes people at work are shy about sharing much about their personal life for safety or privacy reasons. Asking about weekends or talking about movies or TV is always a good conversation starter.

@brandyk

Ай бұрын

@michelleherman yeah I was a little disappointed in Johns advice here. My thoughts. Yes he's new to the job but is it a career type job where he's making good money in something he is already trained or went to school for or just a job he could get anywhere else n perhaps with either more younger people or more men if they're going to be much older. Not that every workplace will lead to friendship either when there or when one person leaves n still wants to stay in touch as often happens. That's when you'll actually know as well that it's more than just friendly coworker. He's only 25 so why not get a job in a restaurant as a waiter or cook even if pt while keeping this job if that is the job that pays the bills. Now you're making extra money while getting to know people rather than reading a book at Starbucks hoping someone needs to borrow a chair. Lol. Far more people his age who also will tend to be more outgoing bc they work with the public. Also fast food restaurant or Panera, chipotle type places if he's not the type who can actually wait tables but trying something like that can also help get one out of their shell n comfort zone. It's nice John was saying he's not broken n the culture today makes it difficult to make friends especially as an adult. But he is only 25 so I would have asked why he thinks he does not have at least one or two friends from the neighborhood or school or previous jobs,etc. Does he have a brother he can hang with n do stuff with so it's less anxiety provoking while doing some of those same things John suggested. It's been my experience in life even though I usually meet people when I'm alone n I'm pretty confident doing it as I didn't always have the security blanket,it's sooo much easier n fun to have someone you already know there as well. Even church or volunteer stuff but certainly a sports league or class. John is right about talking to people about themselves or certainly not talking too much about oneself is a gift but you really need to be careful about doing too much of this especially in the workplace n especially as a guy. Sure be a little weird but not THAT weird. Certainly dip your foot in the pool only a little at a time. You have to be able to read the room n people. Some might find this off putting if it seems so deliberate n calculating especially when you're new. It's safer to talk about mainly work things n little by little ask about something they said that's unrelated if they brought it up. Don't go in their like an investigative journalist. It's way too unnatural. I also wouldn't recommend complimenting an older woman too much and asking about her marriage. That could be viewed as creepy n sexual harassment nowadays if it turns out they don't like it or you for some reason. We all know people who are popular n make friends easily at work or school n almost none of these people got that way bc they asked people alot of questions about themselves. We actually live in a very narcissistic culture especially young people so that is obviously not the winning strategy but rather something to keep in mind n try to utilize when you can for your entire life. Think of the people you know who do seem popular and at least have some friends and what they do n talk about. For young guys it's often video games or sports or work. If you don't like that then try something else. Just ask what they're doing that weekend n they may mention their hobbies or interests n you can say "of that sounds cool. Do you get to do that much? " Or "Oh cool that sounds like fun. Are you going to the one a few town over or the one in ( fill in the blank) I remember going there as a kid, but I bet it's changed a lot" Practice keeping a conversation going a little ( not a lot) longer than it normally would with someone else who didn't ask any questions or open ended questions. Also n this is just my opinion as a middle aged woman, I would get rid of all the " honestly" n "likes" . I know he's nervous on the call but this is likely stuff he does in every conversation as so many young people do today. It's not easy to listen to when it comes from women n sounds immature n unconfident so but this is a far worse trait for a man to project. If you're a teenager, that's one thing. There could actually could be blow back for not sounding enough like your peers or too superior but once in your twenties and working it's not good. You'll turn around n be 30 before you know it n still speak like this. I would listen to people who speak or write well n also ask a family member or someone you trust to catch you every time you say some words you're trying to eliminate. Best of luck to him. I would also suggest trying things outside of the workplace first. Even in another town . What have you got to lose, no one even knows you there.

Run honey; run!!

I was given the label of Oppositional Defiant Disorder when I was a kid. I was legit bullied by my kindergarten and 1st grade teacher and I didn’t have any idea how to handle that as a 5 year old. Also was bitten by a teacher in preschool, so I’m sure that contributed to my behaviors in school as well. I only got past the ODD label when I discovered Harry Potter and my love of reading and started being quiet in class. But that’s also the same time when I stopped learning how to interact with my peers and make friends. Learning emotional regulation would have been so helpful because as an adult, I’m still catching up.

@littlelam3691

7 ай бұрын

A teacher bit you?? How does that even come about??

@May-qb3vx

7 ай бұрын

@@littlelam3691 I bit another kid (I was like 3) so to “teach me a lesson”, the teacher bit me back. Had to get stitches. Not the best way to teach a kid that biting is a no no. There’s discipline and then there’s trauma. But come to find out the teacher was barred from teaching in other states because of child abuse lawsuits out against her.

@skaziblu

5 ай бұрын

I remember parents thinking this worked, same with imitating tantrums

Girl, get out of there ASAP! It will only get worse if you decide to stay. You don't realize the amount of stress you are living right now until you break up with him and start living again, peacefully! Trust me. Get away now!!!

1st ? - I felt fearful for her. Boyfriend is controlling & manipulative. He's developing into a domestic abuser or stalker. 2nd ? - He needs to be careful in how he tries to develop friendships with women in the workplace. He hasn't had much time to pick up on signs from women on discomfort/overstepping boundaries.

@user-oq4ow9rr6z

7 ай бұрын

I wish John would have asked her how she felt he was going to take the break up because I think she's in danger! I have a guy that after 3 years still leaves messages from other phones saying in a pitiful voice, I just want to know if you're okay. These guys play games all their lives. And it is amazing how a liar can remember his stories! Run girl but secure your home, change your number and be prepared to carry protection

@bronnyd

7 ай бұрын

@@user-oq4ow9rr6z I agree with you 100%! My jaw hit the floor when I heard him say if she wants to stay to set boundaries like "I'll only text you three times a day and that has to be enough". Like are you f'ing kidding me!! This man is an abuser and under no circumstances should she stay! But Dr. John is "not in the business of breaking up relationships" so....

@NauticalPhasmid

7 ай бұрын

​@@bronnydmany people don't leave, even if told to. His advice here was "break up now, but if you don't, set these boundaries so that you can break up next week."

Teaching self-regulation to children is a question I’ve had some so long, and I haven’t had a solid/structured answer until now! Great the third segment.

RUN!!!!😮

@starlingswallow

7 ай бұрын

Right?? Yikes!

RUN girl RUN! This is called coercive control and it’s only gonna get worse!

First one. Get an restraining order and run for the hills. Also if it's in the beginning to beautiful to be true then almost always it's not healthy. A person must love you as you are. Wish her all the best ❤

@brandyk

Ай бұрын

You don't need n should never get a restraining order if you don't actually need one. It's not a nice thing to do to someone, you wouldn't want it done to you needlessly n unwarranted n if he is actually is borderline dangerous this could set him off. You can always do that if it becomes necessary. Right now she hasn't even told John that she is breaking up with him or afraid of how he will react if she does n he in my opinion dropped the ball or simply ran out of time by not asking her this n perhaps making recommendation that she do in public place like coffeehouse etc n have someone nearby she can go see immediately after n who is expecting her. Maybe even have female friends n family over n around or out with them for next couple days at leas. Do not get into a relationship right away for a number of reasons but also if he was ever watching her from a distance he will be even more jealous n enraged thinking she was already seeing him while they were dating. I would break up firmly but kindly n tell him you won't respond to future communication but that you hope he will get the help he needs bc he has so many wonderful traits n deserves to be in a healthy relationship with someone else.

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Restraining orders don’t do anything hopefully she knows self-defense. She has cameras, security systems Bells on her doors, a dog and a big G! Lol. Always carry a g as I’m going to get a thigh holster soon and conceal and carry!

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Yes!! I said that too! If it’s too good to be true, it is I’m dating one of those

First caller, BF is controlling and manipulative. If she leaves he may do something crazy. Be safe girl. Do not let him know any inkling about you leaving. Just leave when you are ready and safe.

@JML542

3 ай бұрын

Yes! I'd be worried about what he'd do to her if she tries to set the boundaries John suggested. I hope she just secretly runs.

I dated a man like this before. I thought it was due to ldr but it didnt matter what i did, was never enough

What a great advice for the second caller! I think many young people these days are quite lonely. Spot on, dr John!

Dr. John constantly amazes me. This friendship advice is golden. 17:29 And! Teaching kids, self regulation can literally change lives 31:40

Caller one: he's trying to control you to feel better about himself. Get away from him.

Oh Elise, put your well-being first and get out of this relationship!

🙋‍♀️🙋‍♀️ my eyes were saucers and I was screaming RUN!

@TheeKellyMcG

7 ай бұрын

This will escalate, it will escalate horribly. Your life will ultimately be in danger, if you ever find yourself in this please for the love of your own life, get out. This is every classic red flag.

It sucks to see people so defeated in a relationship. It's just that they're so used to a bad relationship that they don't know anything else. Break ups suck but the other side is so much better because you get to restart and you notice where you can improve and you don't have anyone holding you back.

@lala5061

Ай бұрын

This is so true 😭

THIS IS WHY I HOLD MY HEART CLOSE! Been thru one abusive situation!!!! This is why you don’t do more because this is HIS issue! Moving goal post is big narc!!!

I was agreeing with John untill he started telling her how she could stay with him (text him 3 times a day, uggg). There is NO fix for a oerson like this. She needs to get the hell away.

@kellyturner4571

7 ай бұрын

Exactly….staying shouldn’t even be considered!!

@ChristianOne

6 ай бұрын

Well, John was responding to her reluctance and her desire to find another way. If she tries to reduce the phone calls, she will get to see his reactions, which will likely be explosive, childish, and insane. That will probably help her decide to run.

@liz9284

2 ай бұрын

You can’t fault him for that, as soon as a person starts showing resistance you have to give them another option, like another comment pointed out. If you continue saying “leave” once they start resisting that idea, then they’ll start digging in more, it’s human nature. Especially when they’re afraid. He presented a “compromise” that’s still aimed in the same direction.

@RachelSings21

2 ай бұрын

@@liz9284yeah, he’s trained in psychology and counselling…he knows what he’s doing 👍🏻

Re Call #2: Sorry, John, but I'm so used to this world being selfish and sinister that these days when someone comes up to me asking me a bunch of questions about myself, I get suspicious and immediately shutdown. No, I won't think they're just trying to make friends. I'll think they've got some underlying intention (or they're weird) and I'll do my best to avoid then at all cost. 🤷🏽‍♀️

@taylortisaac

7 ай бұрын

That is the reality isn’t it? Pretty sad :\ wish we could be more trusting at first. I think we can actually, we can be friendly in response. There’s a way to answer questions in a kind way without giving too much detail. And we can reciprocate by asking similar questions. BUT then we use this small talk to test the waters. If they continue to give off bad vibes, kindly shut it down, ya know?

Every relationship needs to hear this!

She needs counseling. She is giving up so many clues. She said she is unsure about what a good relationship looks like. Second she said she doesn't trust herself. Third she said she was drawn to this guy because he was attentive.(love bombing) Anyone with childhood trauma recognizes each of these as symptoms. How is she supposed to navigate with a broken compass? She'll find away to find the same SOB after leaving him.

@GeorgeMoore55

7 ай бұрын

Hi

ugh Dr John...so many of us Elise's out there. Its like a moth to a flame for me even w therapy and endless videos. so hard to not keep loving them. ty for this video.

What the 1st girl tells is a classic start of an abusive and dangerous relationship. I hope you are well, girl! If not, please call someone.

I hope he reads these comments the young man that’s wondering how to make friends. Join a local hiking group in your town. It’s a great way to meet others and there closer to your age usually. A lot of young people love to go hiking I know we have one here in Vegas and it’s a great place to meet new friends.

@Portia620

27 күн бұрын

Sounds as safe as the first callers boyfriend!

Please don't suggest to Elise that there is a chance for a healthy relationship with this guy. Run!!!

Regarding the guy who has a hard time making friends: 1. Look for things you have in common with others. 2. Ask people about the things you think they care about. 3. Ask them to tell you more about those things. Whenever someone tells me about someone in their lives that died, I ALWAYS ask questions about the deceased and ask the name of the person that died, and to see a photo. You will make a friend for life!!

Anytime you feel that you have to hide what someone is doing, that's your clear clue that what's happening is wrong and dangerous. She should not obligate herself to text/call anyone a certain number of times daily. I'd advise her to end the relationship with a caveat of possibly getting back together only depending upon his willingness to seek counsel and, after some time (2-3) alone with his counselor, join the sessions to see his commitment to change. If he's not committed (not doing the work/following his counselor's counsel), then I'd move on.

1st caller: The nervous laughter says it all. He found someone he could prey on. I'm married don't want to talk to my husband that much. I hope she got out.

Constant communication is a big red flag and I’m worried about that with my current situation but I’m talking to a therapist and I don’t see a problem so far, but it could be an issue. I have been cheated on and I don’t want somebody contact me 24 hours a day RUN!!!

She has to be careful if she breaks up.

Yup . You don't want to have kids with him . Get away before you have an accident or it gets more serious

1st caller, please run from this relationship...

Girl you better run!!!

Regarding the last segment about emotional regulation - THANK YOU. I am going to use the very last part to rewrite the script in my head…. I am going to meditate on certain painful memories and hear what my Mom, Dad, Brother, Husband, etc had to say - but through the lens of emotional regulation *and* ownership. Instead of whatever they flung at me, they will explain how they were (quite possibly) feeling or dealing with in that moment… that probably had very little to do with me. If only [we kids] knew then that the mistreatment we were receiving was merely us getting caught in the crosshairs of …a hangry episode, for example. Oof. THANK YOU for everything.🧡🧡🧡

When I was working with a lot of women (various ages), we would go out to breakfast together on each of our birthdays(free for birthday girls) And a nice Christmas party.

Could we get an episode on Mental Health please?

The girl with the controlling guy, I’d like to know had he been cheated on before? Because if so she should tell him you need to get help with that because you can’t project your insecurity on me and punish me for something someone else did to you. I’m also wondering if he could be cheating. Sometimes partners who cheat and see how easy it could be done start wondering if it’s being done to them.

@elisegothlix1183

21 күн бұрын

She mentioned he did say he was cheated on. He definitely needs to get therapy asap, he is being abusive. You're absolutely right.

Constant communication is a big red flag and I’m worried about that with my current situation but I’m talking to a therapist and I don’t see a problem so far, but it could be an issue.

First call: RUN FOR THE HILLS! Run for your life! The more you concede the worse he will get! You’re not going to change him and is not your responsibility to fix him. That’s on him! Also, he sounds too sick to even realize how much pathology is running deep within him. You deserve to be loved in peace!

Ellis be a gingerbread man run, run, as fast as you can. I hear your story in me and a year of together I was on my knees begging for my and my sons life from a person that loved us more then anything. He said we meet in hell. After leveling he stocked me for years. My life hell for about 2 years but in the same instance it was so much better I was not afraid for our lives. Please save your self. Save your self.

A minute and 40 into the first phone call and I’m crying. Did I call in in my sleep or what?? How is this me?? 😭😭😭 Eta- PLOT TWIST: The insecure guy is ME.😱🤯😩😭😭😭

Is your new book coming out on audible?

Are you mad? This is a boyfriend not a husband. Runnnnn!!!!

Constant communication is a big red flag and I’m worried about that with my current situation but I’m talking to a therapist and I don’t see a problem so far, but it could be an issue. I have been cheated on and I don’t want somebody contact me 24 hours a day

This is a very disturbing call. This controlling, insecure guy is bad news. Run while you can. It will only get worse.

Caller number 1#: Run Girl, Run! That dude is extremely way too much in the needy department. It is only going to get worse from here. He doesn't have the emotional maturity to be his own happy! Another red flag, all of his exes were the problem! He is never the problem! He is checking up on you all day long. Also, he was the most attentive at the beginning, because he was setting you up. He is the problem!

Dear Doctor John, would you take a call from NZ?

Caller #2 WRONG advice! The caller said ‘I’m young and my workplace is middle-age women’. Soooo you cannot advice him ‘hey host a party’ or ‘hey I’m buying drinks’ NOT. That will get him fired. A better advice would be: bring pastries to work or volunteer to organize a coffee break at work or better yet find friends outside of work. Dr. John I usually agree with you but you missed the mark on this one.

@krissypeters1517

3 күн бұрын

Totally agree w you - DJ didn’t emphasize boundaries It would be like me -a single woman - asking male colleagues hey are you married? She must be something bc you’re so handsome - how did you meet ? That’s crazy !!! Plus DJ kept saying you should be weird but then in the next sentence that’s too weird … Your advice is way more healthy and stable Hopefully this 25 yo doesn’t start running around the office telling married women they’re beautiful and asking others about their jobs He will look unstable Big fail Dr John

Hes controlling, abusive, run

Take them out for lunch🎉

Both of my degrees are in Communication. This is not communication. This is manipulation and control. Get out of there.

1st caller,,,,,im REALLY concerned for your safety.

He sounds delusional and insecure. Girl, leave him ASAP!

I washed my sheets one a monthly

His. God this week no way just run .

He sounds Narcissistic to me.

Yeah sheets do need washed once a week. Lol. What

Sounds like he is a narcissist! Run as fast as you can!

He needs to stop interrupting her and listen. Stop. Laughing, this is not a light hearted situation. This is a woman that has been beaten down emotionally. He will beat her physically next

Do not call a married woman beautiful and awesome in a private conversation while shes talking bad about her husband. Wtf kind of advice is this. The cheaters 101 claaa

Has the first caller ever cheated on anyone before? If not then she should be concerned that he’s worried for no reason

Yikes!🫣

Constant communication is a big red flag and I’m worried about that with my current situation but I’m talking to a therapist and I don’t see a problem so far, but it could be an issue. I have been cheated on and I don’t want somebody contact me 24 hours a day