It’s important to remember that sometimes your discernment is just fine, but your abuser is a very good liar.

@coconutwater4531

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. There are so many players in the dating pool who make a profession out of lying. Especially in the pool of late 30s-40s single men who have never married. Many of them have inherently been dodging commitment for decades.

@sunnyadams5842

Жыл бұрын

No TRUER WORDS...!!

@AmandaMG6

Жыл бұрын

Yep. Or the dishonesty is carried out in a way completely foreign to you

@Captain_MonsterFart

Жыл бұрын

"Abuser" is way too strong a word. He wasn't into it once they met for real. He was weak about how he handled it.

@NoName-sf6yb

Жыл бұрын

I would say our discernment can *never* be fine, if our abuser is a very good liar. But I see what you meant.

I learned the hard way(after 20 years) never pursue a relationship with a lukewarm secretive guy no matter how much you love him.

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

Amen Sister

I've been single long enough to discover that as soon as I've tried to avoid the love bombers , I'll meet men who want to take things really slow. They can be just as problematic because they don't mind making you wait for months or years or just drop you when they don't want to be bothered anymore.

@Diarrheagod

Жыл бұрын

No one should be waiting around years for someone cuz that person is trying to take it that slow. I’d say 6 months to a year if they can’t decide then I’d say move on, otherwise they can just end up wasting your time. That’s why personal boundaries are so important

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

​@@Diarrheagod Amen🎉

@Angelamar819

Жыл бұрын

Exactly The Let's take it Slow so convenient for them

@Tourism_Hotel_Marketing

9 ай бұрын

If a guy is in to you, he will never let you free aa bird for months. He is looking for a better catch. When a person likes you he acts like it. Cristal clear no strange situations. Little boys act like that.

Someone refusing to give you their name is more than a red flag. It's is an insult. This is a reason to block them immediately.

I always love when Anna says, “don’t worry, I can help you.” That feels so good to hear. It feels so good to hear that no matter what happens there is help. Things can get better. So reassuring.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

They do get better!

@arinirachmatika5971

Жыл бұрын

EXACTLY

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

Yes... I always appreciate that about Anna. It always brings a Smirk😊 to my face and gives Hope...to both writer and ALL listening. Thanks Anna ❤

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

​​@@CrappyChildhoodFairy See my note above 😊

I always chose the wrong person too. I'm getting so frustrated. I don't wanna die without having a good healthy relationship where I feel loved

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

you can get that, it helps so much to have support and the course Anna created helps a LOT :) bit.ly/CCF-Dating -Cara@TeamFairy

@KaimaVixen

Жыл бұрын

I feel the same! So much the same.

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

Same here❤

This sounds like he was in a serious relationship and or married while seeing this person. The fact he was secretive about his last name was a HUGE red flag.

@etcwhatever

Жыл бұрын

I was talking to a guy that hid his phone nr on telegram. I was like im so done with this crap. 😂 before i would have lingered, as hes quite handsome, but now it took me a week to realize were not for each other.

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

​@@etcwhatever WAY TO GIRL. PROUD OF YOU🎉

It honestly sounds like he was in a relationship the whole time. Him hiding information and being hot and cold is a bad sign

Saying “you shouldnt ask” is a huge red flag and a stop sign for me

not telling his name = probably married

@NN-re7cy

Жыл бұрын

🎯

@lorcashine

Жыл бұрын

Probably married to someone in another country. Been there. : (

@rosethorne9155

Жыл бұрын

Or he has some kind of criminal record he is trying to hide... 😨

@carolnahigian9518

9 күн бұрын

I was disappointed.. should have learned SOONER

I do have that problem too. I also attract men who are 'hedging' or 'keeping their options open', i.e. dating several women at the same time, without telling any of them that there are others. I am very private and 'avoidant' and I like to have time to myself so I come across as 'mysterious' and I think a lot of these men expect me to juggle several 'romantic' relationships like they do. Some of them even fantasised about me having a side gig as an escort, because I 'could' generate extra income that way, as I am good looking, eat healthily, go to the gym a lot (to relieve stress) and because I've never been in a relationship (due to a history of child sexual abuse). They just won't accept the fact that I spend my free time reading, listening to podcasts, watching movies and tv series, cooking, exercising, sleeping... not playing around.

@KaimaVixen

Жыл бұрын

Guys really project their poor behaviors on women. They just can’t fathom we don’t operate like scum bags like they do.

@Kiery112

Жыл бұрын

I can relate to this.

I'm so thankful I bumped into attachment theory and learned to recognize the different insecure attachment styles as I recognize and heal my own. I thought I was just attracting narcissists. Instead, I was also attracting "dismissive avoidant" attachment types, which feels identical to being with a narcissist (even though it's a totally different pathology). While excellent resources on attachment, like Personal Development School, offer tons of great advice on how to "make it work" with these types, I use the information to stay far away from them altogether. Thankfully, ANY attachment style can be healed- but I don't need to be part of the process. Why would I put myself in a one-sided relationship ever again? PS. Hot tip: If you don't sleep with anyone unless you're a committed relationship, the people that aren't serious about you will weed themselves out. ;)

There are so many players in the dating pool who make a profession out of lying. Especially in the pool of late 30s-40s single men who have never married. Many of them have inherently been dodging commitment for decades, since women often want marriage and relationships rather than casual s_x.

@SusanaXpeace2u

Жыл бұрын

Yes, they see it as just what you have to do to ''get sex''. They feel like it's going to work. They do not believe that they're doing anything wrong. So exhausting for women on the receiving end of it.

@yvonnebertrand3731

Жыл бұрын

Add the 60+ age group to this also

The no-surname thing when you meet long distance is a HUGE red flag. I know it hurts, but IMHO, it's a REALLY good thing you got away quick. Given what you described, my gut says he was either already committed or maybe even a con man, but I'm pretty cynical now. Edit: ah, I see Anna said the same at 7:30.

@MissVictoriaFord

Жыл бұрын

@HD DH You're being a little harsh. Meeting a potential partner in real life is not an easy option for everybody. Some times there just isn't very many single, suitable and available people around. I know I haven't met a lot. Sometimes people are shy or introvert and need time to open up to others and they may find it easier online where they can communicate in writing. Other than that, I think you're right.

@MissVictoriaFord

Жыл бұрын

@HD DH Yes it is being a little harsh. You seem to think that if you can do it, so can everyone else. That's not how it works. Shy or introvert or insecure people don't just walk over to other people and strike up a conversation. They might not know how to flirt and make someone understand that they're interested. They might not even have a lot of friends or feel good about going out. By writing with someone for a while they get to feel more secure and connected with that person before actually having that first awkward conversation face to face.

@etcwhatever

Жыл бұрын

​​@HD DH im 33. Everyone in the surronding churchs on the prayer groups are above 50yrs old. And most are retired (65+). I could if i wanted since many look at me that way and comment on how beautiful i am 😂. No thanks 😂 So instead of looking for a possible catholic guy on the internet on my age range (10years and less of a difference), im supposed to be with a man 30 years older than me but in real life. Very good. Very easy to talk 😂😂😂

@bonitobonita9263

Жыл бұрын

@HD DH plenty of people meet people on internet. It’s not in 80s, internet is not a special tool but just a one of the Community and communication tools. You can be deceived by meeting in real face to face too. Yes you should be very careful especially it’s sometimes easier to hide identity on internet, but meeting real life won’t guarantee you nothing either

I got ghosted by my husband of 12 years. Had no idea it was coming.

@jainetu

Жыл бұрын

So sorry this happened to you :(

@danitiwa

Жыл бұрын

I hope guilt eats him alive.

@weareadventuresam

Жыл бұрын

That may require something like EMDR trauma therapy. That’s so hard I’m so sorry. The book The Grieving Brain explains ghosting from the brain’s functions when your ghosted.

@JoSpring

Жыл бұрын

@@weareadventuresam Thich Nhat Hahn and meditation saved me. It's been 15 years and now I'm grateful. Never give up! You are worthy. 💞

@JoSpring

Жыл бұрын

@@jainetu thank you. 💞 It was traumatic at the time, but I'm grateful for it now. 😊

When Anna said he was from another country, that explained his response when he said something like, you shouldn't ask that, that is for the man to ask. (Paraphrasing) That sounds like old school/like how men from strict countries think. I think you dodged a bullet. ❤

He was never that into it to begin with. it was just few dates. She took it way more seriously than he did. He was already in a relationship perhaps. Dating someone in another country seems not worth the hassle.

No relationship is better than an unhealthy one...

@connie10000

Жыл бұрын

Nice to have a man responding. Thx

@pennPi

10 ай бұрын

I had to scratch my head at this one. You mean “no relationship” as in not being in one.

"He's so direct...but he's also so secretive". That was my first red flag.

Congratulations that you blocked him.

Being naive at 30 isn't going to cut it. You could put yourself in some seriously dangerous situations. Take Anna's dating course, and don't go out with anyone until you do.

I literally gave up… completely gave up on “searching” or “finding” anyone. I’m sooooooooo bad @ “picking” ppl, If I’m alone for the rest of my life, I’m cool with it. Its all too much putting pieces of the puzzle together & who has time for all that. Nope

I have a red flag detector and I see all these signs, but I'm so happy that finally someone I like RETURNS my feeling that I'm still going to keep going. I know it's stupid, but if not, my love would never have come true.

Just the fact that the man was taken aback and negative about a hug should be enough of a red flag in my opinion. She was trying to "crap-fit" to him and deluding herself by calling it "perfect". So after he flew out and joined her he had so much trouble with departing with a hug? He sounds like a cold fish as well as a confused fish. This lady needs to listen to The Marvelettes "Too Many Fish in the Sea" and throw that one back in the water. I heard more than one red flag in her letter, there were at least 3.

Who asks "where is this going" after 2 dates?

I agree with everything that Anna has said. I would say that your issue is that you are willing to have any relationship, especially a healthy and functional one, that you are willing to push for it and overlook the obvious red flags and make it work out with somebody dishonest, disinterested, committed to somebody else and/or looking for sex. I would say cut that non-sense in the very beginning, do not do crap-fiting and please purge and flush guys down like this down the toilette ASAP. It is easier done in the beginning when you are not that emotionally invested and not try to see how it still goes. Block if you have to but do not spend your precious time and energy on avoidants like this. I would also recommend you avoid long-distance relationships, especially the ones you met on the internet. Try to go to local events , to things you are interested in and try to meet a different type of people you normally hang out with as friends first

Chemistry doesn't mean there is a connection... it's just Chemistry... which can fade

This is "scary". Your video came right in where i needed it the most. Just few hours ago i had heartache from "pattern" that i keep repeating but i was thinking "positively" that perhaps that person was just tired. I wasn't looking for something serious but i thought we could be in good term. But now it's clear that he wasn't interested in me/my thoughts. We could never be anything than just strangers. Thank you for this video, Anna.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Great insight, good work! -Cara@TeamFairy

Why I avoid relationships... I can't trust anyone.. sad😢....

Thinking about how these ghosters sometimes end up in more permanent relationships with other people. What if putting boundaries up and etc etc helped you get a man that would usually string you along like a jerk? Because I wouldn’t want a guy who would do that, even if not with me. Do they end up being bad boyfriends to the women they *do* make commitments to?

@dislexas

Жыл бұрын

nonono, people treat you the way THEY are. It's not your fault that you got mistreated, there's nothing you could've done to change it, at best you could make him interested in faking it for longer, but that also hurts you and those people aren't ever interested in someone with healthy boundaries because they are takers. The thing about boundaries is that healthy partners won't mind them and crappy ones will only see it as "things they won't get from you"

Its sooooo scary that everytime i watch the latest video i feel like shes talking about me…. Im just simple scared and blessed to have found your channel thank you!

I was ghosted by my best friend of 40 years because of the bad decisions she made. She married a man she shouldn't have married. Was all caught up in magical thinking. Sold her house and moved across the country to live with him. They divorced a few years later. But not until she started drinking and drove herself into depression and of course blamed everyone except herself. I tried to help but I couldn't agree to her delusions. So now she won't talk to me.

@kimberlyhall6134

Жыл бұрын

So very sorry that happened to you. I have been through something similar. It hurts so much

Hey Anna - I just wanted to give you a great, genuine, warm thank you. I feel like all of your videos have helped me grow a solid sense of discernment while dating and interpreting my own emotions without my usual self-doubt that would lead me into a lot of silly situations and mistakes. I think I’ve finally found someone that checks all of my boxes and is actually emotionally available, communicative and present! That is such a wonderful feeling. It is very early so I am trying to take things as they come, but I must say, I have your valuable knowledge to be ever so thankful for. Keep spreading the good word, your community loves you ❤

You dodged a bullet! I wouldn’t want to start a relationship with someone who would fly to see a stranger and not invest in me in advance. That shows big holes in his decision making skills and thinking.

Second one here! I just had this happen with someone I really care about. I've learned so much from you. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

Hello, About the video. Yo, "you want to change" that is the key. You have to be kind with yourself. You are 30 and want to change now. It means that you had those paterns for 28/29 years. Give yourself time, love and compassion. Your life is yours to live, you don't have any relationship postgoal to go to. Love to everyone.

I had a woman who I briefly dated suddenly ghost me. She came back 8 years later wanting to reconnect.

@funkymunky

Жыл бұрын

How did it end?

@maghrath1

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, we’re curious 😬

@silvermine2033

Жыл бұрын

@@funkymunky She married during that time and had a daughter. She contacted me while she was in the middle of divorcing her husband. We exchanged a few text messages and phone calls. She said that she made a mistake and wanted to get together with me after her divorce was finalized. Something about her timing didn't sit well with me and I felt like I was just being used for emotional support during her divorce. I ended up ghosting her since I felt disrespected, and never returned any of her messages. It's been 3 years... Too bad, I really liked her when we first started dating!

@AllUserNamesAreUsed

Жыл бұрын

​@Silvermine203 Seems you made the right call. Ghosting is a complete lack of empathy and humanity. Living a whole life with someone else, then coming back to use you as a crutch is just cruel.

“I’m a prize” love her

I feel so much less alone because of your channel, I love it, thank you so, so much. You are such a great teacher!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thats great to hear! You are always welcome here. Jack@Teamfairy

Hi Anna. I wonder your thoughts on when an individual is at a point where it’s time to let go of content like this bc it is doing more harm than good? All your work is appreciated, it’s been such a blessing to myself and countless others.

@sunnyadams5842

Жыл бұрын

I know you addressed your question to Anna. Which makes me a breaker of another point she often makes: Don't offer unsolicited advice. So I won't advise. Just share This is what's happened with me on my journey so far: At first I played these videos 24/8!! All night all day. I was hungry for info and to figure this whole nightmare out. I needed to reprogramme my faulty subconscious programming. Kept watching All The Time, in the shower, walking, sleeping eating... Then diversified into other related topics ( like polyvagal nerve theory and Exercises) and teachers and began to practice the things suggested. I slept like 3 hours a night all summer. I was so intensively focused on Healing I just meditated through the night, learning learning, learning, working on it!! Urgency overtook me. Then one day, about 16 months in, I thought of Film Noir and wondered why I hadn't watched a good old black n white in over a year!? I tried to watch things other than Narc Stuff but they held no interest. I got fidgety and needed Lisa's voice or😕Anna's advice to stay feeling safe and productive. Went back to watching videos on this exclusively. Then naturally, as I got clearer on what had happened, why and what I was doing to fix it, slowly I NOTICED I WAS watching other stuff, and doing other stuff and feeling pretty consistently good. At that point I challenged myself to develop a new interest and came up blank, so I downloaded all 4 seasons of I Dream of Jeannie and developed an addiction to that theme song and that sound she makes when she blinks lol. When I discovered my parent's narcissistic parenting style was why I had been available for the narc bf, Back to the videos!! But now- they are like going home - to a healthy home! I check in when I'm feeling insecure or unsure or just want a familiar, friendly voice of reason, or reinforcement and refinement of my knowledge base. That amounts to a few every day, still, but😩🔥I am finding myself unsubscribing in a semi-annoyed brush- off kinda way, whenever the word Narcissist shows up in my feed!! It's a process. It takes time. Thank God these wonderful people are here when we need them🎉❤ Thanks Anna

@bebopbonsai

Жыл бұрын

That is a question that isn’t asked often enough 🤍🙏🏻

@KosmicN.

Жыл бұрын

You’ll know when it’s time. The content and / or the word Narcissist will make you feel like a vampire to garlic.

@nathlete87

Жыл бұрын

@@KosmicN. that’s where I’m at, it annoys the heck out of me, but my issues were never really oriented around narcissist. Avoidants, yes, but outright narcissist. Not so much. I’m of the codependent, fear of abandonment variety. I wonder at what point watching these videos just becomes a crutch or even self sabotage.

@dahliafiend

Жыл бұрын

Now would be my guess. They just trigger me. I know what she did (narcissist ex) and how awful people can be. They are flooding my feed

I just want to personally thank you today I was being love Bombed by a man. Instead of falling for it. I called it out. I told him I was a Christian woman.. He proceeded to tell me he was atheist.. Long story short after Discussing and debating. theology. He said I probably Would be great sex when he really said. The f word but I probably Scare men away. The sheep's clothing came off... Some really sweet to really Mean And nasty He also said he was never getting married again.... My faith in god has protected me Along with your words of wisdom. I feel like I'm really moving forward. Thank you.😊

I was in a few relationships with this sort of theme last year. Bad times. I watched this video as i'm just getting into another relationship after several months off, and i wanted to refresh my sense of healthy wariness around getting manipulated by someone unavailable again. I'm really relieved that i've changed so much, and this video really brings that home. I'm so much more aware and less easily manipulated, and my intrinsic sense of self worth has improved so much that this awareness is becoming less something i need to work hard at and more something that comes naturally. I'm sharing this because maybe someone can read this and find some reassurance that *this stuff can get easier*, with time and great advice like the advice given on this channel. You can do it.

Thanks for this, Anna! Truly your videos are so helpful!

Brilliant, brilliant ! So good. Many thanks.

Anna, can I just say you look radiant in this video! I think that colour top really suits you, you're glowing! And the info is on point as always! Thank you 💖💖

Amazing helpful information truly appreciate your great kindness

This was the video and feedback I needed

it reminds me of my ex - when i was dating in college he would hide so many details from me or other friends. be very secretive. when i told him this relation is not enf for me (emotionally and physcially he was distance always, i felt like 2 roommates living in house) then he would be romantic and be lovey-dowvey suddenly that was his way to manipuate me and i would get so irrirated. if he is not letting you know full information better to be away from him he isnt good person

I'm loving the daily practice! I feel different. Better!

This happened to me, men were keen at first then always dumped me fairly quickly.

Thank u Anna - you're such a blessing!❤

I find it difficult to believe my gut because my gut seems confused.

Ironically, I was ghosted by someone with CPTSD.

@dena5558

11 ай бұрын

Me too! Is that a common thing?!

And btw my friend told me not to expect too much from people and my mum told me to treat myself better ;) I always wanted to know why I am ghosted or ignored. Yet, I realised sometimes people are weird and some people are weird. What they do may not make sense and could be completely wrong. It’s useless and meaningless to dwell into finding out the reason behind. Lesson learnt and move on ~

I’ve been ghosted multiple times. The last person I was seeing I told my history and that I can’t be ghosted again. He would say ‘I’m not going anywhere’ then one day ghosted

@Chanelle208

4 ай бұрын

Personally I never reveal my fear of ghosting or abandonment because some people will definitely use it against you.

There are so many women out there in the dating world that play games like this too! Dating apps suck!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Yes, all genders do this for sure. -Cara@TeamFairy

It sounds like he has an arranged marriage in his country and wanted to sample a relationship outside of that.

I don't know if this is the right topic to comment this, hence I've never been in a relationship....but I whish. You talked about the red flag detector, what If the detector works too good? I mean, due to my trauma and CPTSD I developed oversensitivity, and I'm constantly analyzing people and their behavior...gestures, face expressions, tone in their voice etc. And I'm constantly reading the atmosphere wherever I go (I do this automatically, sometimes even I don't want to)! Everything that I can interpret as threat IS a threat for me and my I get nervous and I feel uncomfortable. It's like I have a radar on all the time, I know it is a protection mechanism, but when it comes to dating I want to be more open and confident and "switch off" my overly working red flag detector and just be more relaxed. how? how to trust people?

SO TRUE, exactly what happened to me

Trying to have a long-distance relationship with someone is not a good idea.

@maceyr.6583

Жыл бұрын

True that

I don’t give anyone my family name until I know they aren’t insane. Kinda don’t blame him.

@angelaarsenault

Жыл бұрын

Also, as an avoidant myself, his “men should do the chasing” thing was code for “stop bothering me”

@dreamscape405

Жыл бұрын

Me too! I've had a handful of "mild" stalking experiences from ex boyfriends, that I just don't want to reveal my last name right out of the gate. The only social media I'm still on is YT, so there's no personal acct/info available for look up. And, as far as I'm concerned, I don't need to give my last name unless I can trust you.

@kathyingram3061

Жыл бұрын

~Yes, i dont feel safe giving out my last name that casually....kinda like i dont feel safe telling new people where i live....

@misspeach3755

Жыл бұрын

Same. Nothing sneaky about this.

I have a question about the Fairy Pensil. Where do you find those ? Are they working when you're not in the room Anna ? If there is just one would you sell it and if yes, how much ? Lots of love Have a good day ! Cheers

Anna, thank you so much. You’ve opened my eyes, which has allowed the biggest healing to occur. Seems like the world is becoming more aware, which helps me to not feel alone and crazy. I came across a song that maybe others will enjoy-Flowers by Lauren Spencer Smith. ❤

15:40 he's not a peach hahahah😂😂 Anna fairy your humor 😊😅

Would you please tell Mel Robbins to wear the same eyeglasses frames you have? God love her

@catboxcleaner3532

2 ай бұрын

I agree, Yes! Anna’s frames are so flattering for her. Mel Robbin’s frames are, in my opinion, too masculine and not fitting to her face. Thanks for sharing.

I'd bet the guy didn't fly from anywhere, he probably lived no more an 1hr drive away, won't give last name, probably married too. Both sound like married players to me.

Sounds like he's a player to me...

Have we all dated the same exact person?

Think he is married.

He sounds like a man from a more old fashioned culture like the Middle East. Women that move too quickly can scare this type of man off as he may think she is untrustworthy or it could be that he's just not comfortable with physical contact. I myself, have always been the opposite and let the woman take the lead. If they are interested they let you know pretty quick. Most women know within the first few minutes of meeting a man whether or not they consider them a prospect for an intimate relationship. That's been my experience ever since I was a young man anyway. When it comes to sex women are in the driver seat regardless, so why would I have it any other way? But once past that first encounter the roles change and it's then up to the man to continue to pursue or she will assume he is not really interested & move on. Without that green light from a woman you are treading on dangerous ground so it's best not to make those types of advances until she has made it clear. Some men & women have a misconception that it is up to the man to make the first move which is really a backwards way to think & not really the way that these thing happen. Cheers

Anna, how does one get that red flag detector to work even if you know them?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I have literally dozens of videos on this, and a course. Please explore my channel and website!

🧬

@ZukoTheShinigami

Жыл бұрын

?

What to do when i'm the one who have the unavailable tendencies, I only did it few times with friendships that got too close, I dont want to continue like this, I dont want to hurt ppl, plz help

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Lots of help in our community! -Cara@TeamFairy

no last name? Red flag!

Sounds like a con man or a Narccastic Low on sex They travel far & wide when they NEED to 💖

Ghosting is not adult behavior. If you repeatedly do it grow up and please stop dating. If its repeatedly done to you you are choosing bad people or are mentally ill and need treatment beyond KZread. Also get a hobby. Dating people sleeping with them isn’t a sport. Life isnt a tv show.

Women overthink everything 😢