Unavailable: 1. They are telling you they're about to get divorced, but they don't divorce (for whatever reason). Uncut ties with previous relationship 2. They're full of stories about horrible parts of previous relationship. Manipulative: 3. They talk about sex with other people in the past (or even present) as it's nothing important/not impactful on person listening 4. They behave differently on different days. Good side-bad side, hot and cold, love bombing-devaluation. 5. They get angry for setting boundaries 6. They keep you waiting Red alert: 7. They are rude/mean/cruel to other people/animals/you 8. They suddenly have financial emergency and want to borrow money 9. They lie about something to you or in your presence 10. Ask you to help to deceive someone Red flag for you: You want to hide the relationship from your friends

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the summary :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@mariafillinger5937

Жыл бұрын

Thank you 🙏

@TurningTesting

Жыл бұрын

🌻

@LauraBeckerReal

Жыл бұрын

The abusive narc I unfortunately got involved with would talk about his "friend" and "roommate" a lot, who turned out to be his fiancé. He completely lied about living with, and being engaged with a woman, and he would "talk around" everything extremely manipulatively. Everything was so airy and non-specific, it was easy for me to crapfit and ignore the signs so I could keep my fantasy. It ended up doing intense damage to my soul. So I would add "being vague about important information" as a red flag of manipulation.

@lisacranmer8005

Жыл бұрын

@@LauraBeckerReal my x lied so much all over 24 years of it and he lied in courts and playing victim all over to the point he said that I tried to jump from truck, he was a alchoholic and womanizer, in my face and behind my back, he broke my back and toss me across the front yard for zero reason and he hit me on the Head for zero, attacked my sister and abuse is a understatement. Jokes about people all over and even screaming at me with people all over... waiting for him hours and yes, waiting for him to come home, waiting for food, for getting my hormone pills, all of it was just TOXIC horrible way..what happens in the dark will come out to the light...yes, mean to animals, other's and just mean nasty attitude ..yes, money, DNT help with money to anyone. Yes, target for me, to pay...the red flags were all over, asking me to deceive someone, lies and secrets hurt PEOPLE ...if they don't change you need to run..

These are all great. I would like to add: if someone blames everyone else around them for the problems they are having. That's a red flag!

@pizzakrydder2515

Жыл бұрын

Totally!!

@sarahcook908

Жыл бұрын

So true! I would also add if they have zero friends/close relationships. This was a huge red flag I ignored with both my abusive ex-husbands.

@realhealing7802

Жыл бұрын

Yes it is! That is one of the biggest red flags. No accountability.

@purplefireweed

Жыл бұрын

Yes yes yes! This should be on the list. It's a total turn off too, so little chance of my falling for someone who loves blaming others for their own fuckery.

@dancingcloud8557

Жыл бұрын

Yes! One day you will be the source of blame when their anger comes out on you.

I think another red flag is if they always talk about things their exes did and never a mention of their own responsibility of why things went sour (victim mentality)

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Definitely! -Cara@TeamFairy

A man I started speaking to, told me he was going to stop by my work to visit me. He didn't show up or text me to apologize until the next day. It was at that moment - I knew this man wasn't going to care for me.

@yuk498

Жыл бұрын

Marcia, I have had guys show interest in me, and those that didn't show interest in me. Even with platonic friends of same sex, this is a flag that they dont care/are not reliable enough/are not as intersted in me.

And just not being able to respect the word NO is a red flag. It means they do not respect boundaries.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Great point! -Cara@TeamFairy

@patriciaalbertson5183

Ай бұрын

Yes. This goes for any friendship! ... If they don't accept your 'No". .... it is a problem

This list is also useful for finding good friends. People who are constantly angry, playing the victim, rude to others, inconsiderate of your time, and manipulative do not make good friends.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

@meilei8716

4 ай бұрын

Great point

@patriciaalbertson5183

Ай бұрын

Absolutely. Rude, bitter bullies who don't accept our "No Thank-you"... Bye bye

I would suggest, to the ones who still have that chaotic CPTSD mind where it's hard to keep your train of thought: write down the red flags as they come. It's a lot easier to keep track of things that way.

@PaigeSquared

Жыл бұрын

This!! I have a locked note on my phone. Any interaction that rubs me wrong I write down. It helps me remember better.

@tumbleweed6492

Жыл бұрын

@@PaigeSquared Meredith Miller at Inner Integration calls this a “Sobriety List”. It keeps you sober from getting drunk off others’ BS behaviors toward you!👌🏻

@ArtClub365.

11 ай бұрын

Excellent idea!

Here is one I never see mentioned; They take you out,spend money on you,shower you with gifts,then criticize and make fun of you. You get so confused and feel like you are " not being grateful". This is a TOXIC situation....runnnnnn!!!!

@MusgroveMarianne

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for mentioning this one. They throw you off balance by sandwiching an insult in between compliments then if you question then about the negative comment, they say, 'Why are you focussing on the one little negative? You're being oversensitive.' This behaviour is definitely a red flag!

@sweetness9356

Жыл бұрын

That tactic is known as love bombing. If they seem too good to be true, and/or try to speed up the relationship, be very wary.

@disarmedpianist

3 ай бұрын

Yes! Thank you for mentioning this one. This is exactly how my gaslighting ex behaved. He was extremely generous in spending money on travels and other things, but would yell at me in public because we were to meet up at a supermarket and he couldn't find me. He would also tell me to "shut up" in front of his family. When we started to date, he complained once that 3 years before we met, his ex had dropped him like a dirty rag. Now i know why she did that! Clever girl!

@Nina-ur3ld

2 ай бұрын

Typical narcissist abuse cycle

I became an armchair psychologist after my divorce. I've trained myself to use my brain before my heart so much I doubt anyone will ever get through the screening process!

@yuk498

Жыл бұрын

Hahahaha. Same here.

@LauradeVasconcelos

Жыл бұрын

Same ;*

@karlasnyder9856

3 ай бұрын

I think this is exactly what I we re doing here w CCF.

GREAT great points. "Vulnerable narcissists will keep you uncertain about when you are getting together. Will make you feel sorry for them, which makes you have too many tooong phone calls too many days of the week during which they drink your energy when you need to do self care and go to bed for work the next day."

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely! -Cara@TeamFairy

When I was in college, I started dating one of the football coaches. He was 6 years older than me, and his players were my age. Twice, when I was out in public with other people, I had two different people tell me the players hated him and he was bad news- bad temper, demeaning to the players, etc. Because he was always SO charming to me, I couldn’t believe it was true. After two years of dating, there was a coaching change, and he lost his job. One day shortly after he was jobless, I learned he got engaged to a gal his age! Someone he’d been dating off and on for years. I was DEVASTATED. HE told me he really loved me, but she had a job, and it was a “business decision.” For yearsI grieved the loss of this man. Fairy, your wonderful channel has helped me accept that he was never the person I wanted him to be! He showed me who he really was, and others warned me! I now know, when people show you who they are, believe them!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Right on, thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

@JT-cl9np

Жыл бұрын

Moral of the story: Date the HEAD COACH.

@barbnauman705

Жыл бұрын

@@JT-cl9np 😂😂😂

I wish I stumbled across your channel 40 years ago.

I met someone who was so attentive and helpful (unsolicited acts of service). I was so attracted. I am proud that I also saw red flags and managed to keep a boundary. Wow, just sitting with those powerful feelings is TOUGH, especially when you've been alone for a long time. It really showed me just how vulnerable I am due to my CPTSD. It was a good learning opportunity. Thanks for keeping these lessons coming!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Great job! -Cara@TeamFairy

@sarahalessa78

Жыл бұрын

You're my hero! I hope once I start dating, I will be as strong. It seems so hard.

Excellent tips. Thank you. I’d like to add if the person talks behind anyone’s back disparagingly and the person being disparaged considers the person you’re dating a friend, that imo is a huge red flag because one day it will be you who gets trashed behind your back. It reveals the person to be a bad friend of bad character and eventually you will be betrayed too.

@amandamilobooks

Жыл бұрын

THIS! THIS! THIS!!!!!!

THANK YOU for pointing out being comfortable with small acts of dishonesty as a red flag. It's about integrity.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely! -Cara@TeamFairy

@littleone31917

7 ай бұрын

It I interesting that the last guy I loved talked about valuing integrity, yet he was regularly lying to people. He sounded so good but his actions were not.

I would add: 9. a) They brag about having mistreated someone else in their past. Some from a past relationship I had (I ignored them for reasons that I now understand. These should be obvious, and in my case, they were, but I openly ignored them, and ignore my own voice telling me that I was ignoring them. -- --Pushes for sex / commitments like marriage and children immediately (future faking), then DROPS it once you indicate you might be ready for a greater commitment. --Acts cold about national heartbreaks, such as 9/11 or Space Shuttle Challenger accident. Shrugs off things that would make most people shudder. --Seems to change their beliefs regularly. --Weasels their way into your home. --They try to get 'too close' to your family / children right away, trying to be their 'buddy' or 'cool adult,' or ingratiate themselves to family members. --Pretends to have a nice home and car, but the reality is that they are homeless living with a family member and driving a hoarder-crap car (that was given to them). --Talks incessantly about self; asks no questions about you. --They judge you. He said that I was ‘frustrated’ all the time. He was constantly criticizing me, my cooking, my attitude, etc. after two weeks in. --They compare you to their ex, making it sound like the way the ex did things was ideal, and anything less or different than that is wrong or less than. --Tells you that you have to buy them something...anything, including real estate. Doesn’t ask, doesn’t offer to help or go half-sies, doesn’t claim it will belong to you, doesn’t offer to pay you back. Just EXPECTS you to take care of them financially.

@littleone31917

7 ай бұрын

Even ONE of these is a deal-breaker.

@r1pfake521

2 ай бұрын

I understand most of these, but I don't understand "Acts cold about national heartbreaks". I know these accidents are bad, but I don't really feel much about them either, I only feel sad about things that are around me or people who I know.

I just found out that I am as unavailable, manipulative and awful as many of the guys I dated.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

We all have character flaws, step by step you can become the person you were meant to be :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@kognitivescientist

Ай бұрын

I hear you. Especially about being going through divorce (which literally last YEARS) and telling that the person you had before was narcissist/psychopath. Can be truth? Totally. That’s why you are out of that relationships. And if you are asked by the new person Why - you tell why. And then they think “ope! Red flags!” And maybe even watch this black-and-white video, and go away from you.

These are all great tips. I'd add the expectation of instant replies (text, phone) and sudden need to know where you are and who you are with. Even passive aggressive "you must be busy" or "no time for me" comments early on show possessiveness, codependency, and the strong potential for future intimate partner violence.

@theretrorescuer

Жыл бұрын

@Paul Gauthier I see your point here, and I totally get it. Here's why it's an issue, and a precursor to abuse. Especially because the person may not be inattentive at all. I hope this helps clarify it, as it can be harder for us to wrap our heads around it as sufferers of CPTSD. Crap fitting aside, the term is often used as a shaming technique to push people (targeted victim) to erase their own needs to fit their (abusers) needs in the immediate moment, and to relieve their (abusers) tension (internal tension of not feeling accepted and important that is flaring their anxiety.) This is passive aggressive behavior, which is often a preclude to physical abuse. It's setting up an expectation that their new partner/love interest MUST devalue and erase themselves to be loved by this partner, for no other reason than to boost this new partner's own personal comfort and security. The expectation is tested, flexed, and pushed as the weeks go on. Think of the frog in the water as it slowly boils. Accepting these passive aggressive statements as something to crap-fit to is how we get stuck in situations that are abusive yet again. When we feel that internal tension, we must accept that WE are the ones feeling tense, and set our boundaries firmly at the beginning, then act on them by moving on from a potential partner that isn't a good fit. Moving on like an adult, and not expecting to force a relationship that isn't going at the speed or intensity that we may want for ourselves. Because that's not consent. Remembering that we are not OWED a relationship at all, from anyone. Intimacy and friendship are natural and earned, not forced. Passive-aggression is force, even when its passive--it's still aggression.

@theretrorescuer

Жыл бұрын

@Paul Gauthier again, I am here to gently challenge your statement, because it is not accurate. They are not the same. One is a consensual act, one is an aggressive act. Even when used as a crap-fit, your ACTION with that phrasing as a followup to a perceived slight is the aggression itself. Nuance and context are irrelevant. It is always a power play.

@sarahalessa78

Жыл бұрын

@@theretrorescuer beautifully argued and I agree with you. It doesn't mean, the person that behaves like this isn't in the larger picture the "victim". If anything it's an interesting example of how we lose ourselves when crapfitting and get manipulative ourselves as a way to cope.

@claufelippio8401

Жыл бұрын

@Paul Gauthier Yeah, totally, the last guy I dated (we only had 2 dates) would take an average of 15 hours to repply text messages. This was a problem for me, because it would activate my cptsd emotions of being abandoned...

@theretrorescuer

Жыл бұрын

@@sarahalessa78 thank you.

Last narc who targeted me did the whole "I'm getting a divorce" game and "ex can't afford to move out yet". I discovered later - He was still very much married and very much together and he was full of 💩. Luckily, I wasn't there for it & told him to go on. I said regardless, this feels like I am the other woman and I'm not the other woman in any scenario. byeeeeeeeeeee

@littleone31917

7 ай бұрын

Well done!

Can you do a similar list but of red flags for people WITH CPTSD? Of course, all of these could apply for traumatized people, but what I struggle with is knowing if I myself am healed enough to be dating, and by my own application of red flag detection, it would be hypocritical of me to neglect my OWN red flags when entering a dating scene.

@sarahalessa78

Жыл бұрын

This is a wonderful idea. I would also really appreciate advise on that because I know, I'm not a good match yet either.

@NinjaOutfitInTheWash

8 ай бұрын

Agree with this comment. My relationships have fallen apart in part due to choosing some partners who weren’t good, but when I chose good ones my own crap came out too much and ruined it. I know I’m not healed.

You are honestly a hero. I found myself in an unhealthy relationship recently and started watching your videos after it ended badly and abruptly. You helped me give language to my experiences and to understand myself in a way that I didn't know how to before. Between that and invaluable tools for walking myself through my own emotions and reactions, and also providing insight into the complexities of CPTSD, you've made a huge difference in my life. I deeply appreciate you and your work. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much or letting me know this. I'm so happy for you, that your healing is in progress now!

Wise tips. I just extricated myself from a 2-year relationship where my guy told me upfront he suffers from depression. Okay. What I quickly learned is when he becomes “overwhelmed” (his word) with life, he goes dark and resorts to radio silence. True to form, I tried to be “understanding” (which says a lot about me and my upbringing in a toxic war zone with battling parents) but just jettisoned him having had my fill of his disappearing act. I explained how hurtful this is, not to mention how rude and actually narcissistic this is. To no avail. Done and Done.

@christinarichie6171

Жыл бұрын

Its weak as well... Stay away from weak people.

I’ve seen it coming Looking at other women, making me feel not safe especially not emotionally available. I’m happy I just left with some dignity..

@meilei8716

4 ай бұрын

Our first date he was literally gawking at some waitress. He kept saying that wasn't actually a date as if that mattered. And it was 😂

I am great at seeing the red flags but terrible at walking away. I struggle with feeling I will hurt the other person or that they will get mad at me and summarily begin to dismiss the red flags or justify why the way I feel is too needy, perfectionistic, etc. HOW do you end it once you see the flags? What do you say to the person? 😣 And thank you Anna for changing my life with your videos and helping me identify why I feel the way I do! ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

This video is for you :) kzread.info/dash/bejne/m21-zdekh9mtZpM.html -Cara@TeamFairy

@AB-sr4jx

Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!!!

@user-dv1nr9bd3z

Жыл бұрын

"I don't feel this is working for me" and "I do not think this is want I want" could be maybe working ? : )

@Hawaiiansky11

Жыл бұрын

Just remember; if they have a number of red flags, they probably don't care about you / are dating more than one person and your dumping them will not hurt them. That was always my hang-up. I didn't want to hurt someone...so I stayed with them while they cheated on me, and while I pretended to still care and be interested. Reba McIntire has a song, "You Lie," which is about lying to someone pretending that you still love them, because you can't bring yourself to leave. That has been my life's anthem...until now.

I always keep away from men who are going to do whatever in the future such as their going to get a divorce .

Wow, I even had platonic female and male friends do things like this. And I am afraid I may have been the red flag myself in some situations. So ready to be in a healthy state. The daily practice is helping. Thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Delighted to hear that the Daily Practice is helping! -Cara@TeamFairy

@mifnp8887

Жыл бұрын

I have a platonic girlfriend who is doing many of these things right now, and because I haven't many friends haven't walked away.

Your channel deserves 10 million subscribers! Thank you, Anna!

If your program/videos/material would be available in high school and college courses, sigh, how much healthier we all would be . . . how much more we would value ourselves. Thank you for your work. It's helping me with my past, present, and future. I understand so much more now. I'm here today because I didn't know any of that stuff back then.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

He keeps wanting to have sex and puts a lot of pressure on me for not being able to perform. Definitely a red flag and yet I feel guilty for wanting to break it off.

@candykelly2705

Жыл бұрын

He's hoping you'll feel guilty and give in. There's a reason (and not a good one) why he wants to have sex so soon. Be strong! Believe in yourself and your instincts. Him putting a lot of pressure on you is a red flag. Personally, I think you need to end it. You need to do what's best for you, he certainly isn't going too.

@azcactusflower1

Жыл бұрын

Honor yourself. Your intuition is strong but your mind is tripping on you (feeling guilty). Your heart knows the answer

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Definitely a red flag! -Cara@TeamFairy

@BlueSky-ff4oy

Жыл бұрын

Narcissists have sx issues. THAT is a sign. Doing things out of guilt is a sign. Theirs is a PERFORMANCE to ILLICIT from you what you otherwise would not give. That IS THE SIGN. Only engage w people where everything is what you a 100% choose and where things progress in line with your VALUES. It is really heartbreaking how we learn not thru error as much as by finding videos explaining it.

@hunivan7672

Жыл бұрын

@@BlueSky-ff4oy Yeah I am so afraid of offending people because I am afraid what others will think about me if I do. I also genuinely feel bad about telling someone "no", because it will hurt them. I must take responsibility here. I had a boundary of no sex, he went ahead and violated that on date one and I still keep seeing him. I should have ended this right then and there.

I've overlooked a lot of these red flags in the past if the person was really attractive 😆 It's like they get a free pass. Seriously, no more. Show up or get lost

Because complex PTSD makes you doubt your self and you may be accused of "being needy" you may not even trust that anyone can be available for the level of understanding and patience you may need while you are working on your own healing.

regarding your point of jealousy, yeah some ppl date multiple at the same time & for me this is a dealbreaker especially when you find out about it. you dont feel special anymore, but replaceable, like just another bodycount. can't take such people serious. makes me loose interest instantly

Thank you for this insight. This is tremendously helpful and validating. My dilemma is that I don't even trust my own instincts anymore. In my head the thought process is something along the lines of "I cannot *possibly* be meeting this many toxic individuals." Of course, I'm always looking at how/if I'm contributing, too. But even when a red flag is waving wild and free, I still find myself wondering if it's just my distorted perception. Maybe they're actually really wonderful, and I'm just making a big deal out of nothing. But I guess if that were truly the case, all those little nothing's wouldn't eat away at me constantly. It's all very confusing. Relationships are very confusing.

@sunshinesunflowerz1647

Жыл бұрын

Same

@jamielawrence4749

Жыл бұрын

I so relate to this. The one thing that has helped me a little bit is thinking about people in my life (friends or family) who may have done stupid or insensitive things, or frustrated me sometimes, etc. But I have never felt that nagging "what is this?" panic feeling. Meaning, I still think/know my friend likes/respects me, I don't question it. I still want to see them and talk to them and feel like I can contact them or when they contact me it doesn't feel like I'm hanging on every word... that helps me realize I can feel the difference. Even girlfriends of mine who are more on the manipulative or "toxic" side, have me feeling this tension, confusion, anxiety etc. Even though it's not as triggering as romantic partners, it still feels "off". So even if I can't "figure it out" perfectly, I look to these memories or relationships to trust that I have experienced healthy relationships with people who aren't trying to manipulate me, and that my body knows what that feels like.

@Cagedbird1988

Жыл бұрын

@@jamielawrence4749 - That's actually really helpful advice and haven't thought of it that way. Really appreciate you sharing your dose of wisdom there. ☺️ Going to keep that in mind next time something feels off. Glad it's been able to make a difference in your life.

@candykelly2705

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately, there ARE a lot of toxic people out there. In my opinion, it's close to impossible to find a partner who knows how to behave in a healthy, compassionate, committed relationship. I'm afraid "healthy" is so rare, that I've given up.

@amandamilobooks

Жыл бұрын

​@@jamielawrence4749 THANK YOU for this insight---*notice* the nagging or outright panic because that's NOT normal. Take note of what NORMAL levels of emotions during day-to-day interactions with safe individuals feels like: THANK YOU!

Being 28 and finally finding this wonderful person who can help me with my trauma, I suffer from disregulated emotional problems and cptsd. Thank you so much for your help, Anna

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I'm glad you found the channel :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@meredithwilliams4326

Жыл бұрын

Same!!!!

Wow.. seems like I’ve been used really badly quite a lot… I guess that’s why I don’t believe in love anymore..

I really appreciate this video. I have experienced a lot of these and then held onto the trauma from it and been triggered in newer situations where the person may have been genuine. And it is generally demoralizing. It's never clear what is what, but I've realized it's important I heal from the old hurts so I'm not exhibiting toxic behaviors--even if it comes from a genuinely wounded place. The shame spirals after these fall outs, calamitous ends suck. They also cause trauma bonds. So I am trying to move past the lashing out phase by honoring my emotions and deciding whether or not the person is worth the labor to communicate hurt feelings or not because I've also been gaslit a lot by the mixed signals type. I just dislike how my inner critic lashes out after I lash out. I hate harming others, even when I'm standing up for myself so I am learning to communicate my needs and feelings in more concise, clear, and logical ways to people who manipulate me, etc. But yes, I've ignored the initial red flags (that I saw!) around white lies, ghosting on normal texts, and have paid the price many many times. The last time was so painful that I can't fathom letting it happen again. It's just a hard tight rope to walk. Where is the balance between caution and hypervigilance?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I suggest using the Daily Practice to get to that balanced place. It is a free course found here: bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy

@juliettailor1616

Жыл бұрын

You are exactly where I am. I don't even recognize normal behavior anymore. I am hypersensitive and hypervigilent because of a traumatic relationship. Terrified of going through the same thing so I see the same behavior where it might not be. I see mixed signals in someone who might be good for me.

My ex had just separated from his wife and entered a relationship with me as quickly as I finish dessert. He did what I now know is love bombing, and because I’d had only one other serious relationship and have CPTSD, I fell hard. I was so flattered and definitely ignored the red flag of him wanting to get together with me so quickly. We had lots of problems, but I didn’t spot the danger at the time.

@carmadariacompaniona4181

Жыл бұрын

It's so hard to spot love bombing while it's happening. I only realized that I was being love-bombed after the fact - and the hurt.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

You're armed with more knowledge now :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@jbird1012

Жыл бұрын

@@carmadariacompaniona4181 Even worse, I just got love-bombed and I knew it was happening, and fell for it anyway!! It was like a drug. Luckily I got out after only 3 months. But, ouch. That hurt.

@jbird1012

Жыл бұрын

Lesson (hopefully) learned. Thank god for Fairies.

I just ended a relationship. Too many 🚩🚩🚩 It definitely helps to understand narcissistic abuse and toxic behavior because I could recognize the signs. He was a liar and a cheater but karma caught up and guess what? Karma isn't done yet haha Blocked him. Bye forever! I owe myself the hugest apology for not ending it sooner. Grateful to have dodged a bullet. I'll be okay. I know the Universe will take care of me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Great perspective! -Cara@TeamFairy

Also, if that other person, date or friend, keeps not having money when the bill arrived, this is not just a red flag, but a red flag waving and fluttering in wild wind.

I would think that most of these items would be cause for terminating your association with the person. Being super late or no show once could be excused if the reason is plausible, but treating others badly is a hard stop.

This is one of your most helpful videos yet. A lot of my clients bring up these kinds of problems in their relationship, it is amazing how much shit people (women AND men) will tolerate and I'm always like, "Red flag, red flag, run away!" 🚩🚩🚩

My ex would act like we were "just friends" in public. He would mention that he told someone he was "dating" me after we had been together for almost 2 years.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Ouch! -Cara@TeamFairy

I just recently broke up with a guy who has some of these red flags. Stories of his exes being really mean to him, the casual lying, and his willingness to hurt people for no reason. He's never lied or hurt me, but it terrified me, yknow? So did the lovebombing. I couldn't sit right with it. It hurts. I miss him, you know? Because he really did care for me. He was so gentle and tender. But I also know that he was so deeply wounded by his parents and upbringing.

@littleone31917

7 ай бұрын

In my humble opinon, he is not healthy enough yet. You were right to end it.

Thank you for the validation that it's okay to take a step back, or even step out, when noticing these things. We're always trying to be so dang nice and understanding. I was raised a doormat... now I'm learning to overcome and understand that I deserve better.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Yes you do! -Cara@TeamFairy

I saw myself in several of these red flags. I have cptsd… I have been abused and and I’m scared shitless to admit that I have been an abuser. I have also manipulated people and lied out of fear of reprisal and anger. The origin of my cptsd in no justifies the things I’ve done. I try to make amends daily by growing, healing, and consciously not being the person that I used to be. Yet I still falter sometimes. I’m healing daily and question hourly whether or not I am a relationship worthy person. Some of my exes would say no, however, they don’t know the person I am today. I work as hard as I can to heal this broken parts, yet I will always see them even though they are a part of my past. Not sure how to move through that hurdle yet.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Sending you encouragement! Glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

This video came three years too late for me. And sadly, I’m not even sure I would have even heeded the warning anyway. Your channel has been a tremendous blessing in my life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I'm glad it's helpful, never too late :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I'm so pleased this phrasing of "Red Flags" is common now, but oh boy I wish it existed 9 years ago!

Side note: I couldn’t help but notice how pretty your hair looks today and those glasses compliment your look so well! 💜

These are so helpful. I wish that someone would have told me this when I was 16. I’m going to share with the teens/young adults in my life!

Unfortunately us CPTSD sufferers often fall pray to narcissist and the personality disordered.

I would agree with all of these. Although, I have found myself in a circumstance where I began a relationship only weeks before my ex, the father of my child, moved back in with me while he awaited closing on a house. It was not an ideal situation but my boyfriend and my ex's girlfriend was very understanding. Sometimes life is a bit messy and as long as that person doesn't check a bunch of other red flag boxes maybe some of the yellow flags don't need to become deal breakers.

This video is gold. It helps me identify easily. And may I say it is very reassuring because I saw most of these red flags in my last relationship. My common sense told me that I should end it but I dragged it for so long. Broke up a month ago and I've been feeling better. Saving up to take your courses. I am excited about that! Thank you!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Looking forward to meeting you! -Cara@TeamFairy

Ironically I am experiencing these bad signs from someone with ptsd.

Thank you for this and all the other videos of yours that open my eyes wider and wider. As a CPTSD person I understand I should take it slow while dating but I am finding it extremely difficult to keep my emotions and projections at bay. Would you please create a video about how to actually take the dating and the emotional engagement slow?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

You may find Anna's playlist on PTSD & Relationships helpful: kzread.info/dash/bejne/pJWcvM9xqqfgj8Y.html - Ashley, Team Fairy

If someone is a narc, dismissive avoidant, or just not into you.. does it matter?! All 3 make feels crappy to receive so don’t justify stay around in this mess.

Love this video! What's hard for me is that my body is physically telling me there's a red flag (hands are sweating, shallower breath, body is tight and tense) but my logical brain shuts off. I know that there's something wrong but it doesn't tell me that I need to stop dating them and get away!! it's hard when your emotional part of the brain is way stronger than the logical. Also, I think cuz I am used to feeling unsafe as a child (since I was verbally/emotionally abused), it felt "normal" to me so I stayed longer than I should've. But this is definitely a great learning experience, even though I had to learn the hard way 😢

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like you get dysregulated and there is help for that on this channel and in the CCF community :) -Cara@TeamFairy

once you start to hide things to your friends, you know its time to run. so true!

Thank you this is so valuable. And Kinda applies to friends.

@nishasankaran

Жыл бұрын

🙌🏽 yes!

At least the last one I SAW the red flags VERY EARLY… and proceeded slowly only doing things (pretty much) the way I wanted to.

I don't think getting free food is a red flag...I would be excited about that too.

Brilliant list! I've got a more subtle red flag! They don't give you time to talk, don't ask questions about you or remember the things you do say. It shows they are self centred and blocking themselves from truly making connections. It also shows they value you less like your not allowed to have a voice in their presence

These red flags may seem "obvious" to healthy people but it is crazy how cPTSD people are able to by-pass them with rationalization. I have closed my eyes to almost all red flags listed here and I am a smart, intelligent, grown ass woman with head on my shoulders and STILL got carried away by my own dysfunctional brain patterns 🧠

I hate saying this: My son keeps everyone waiting. For ages. Every single arrangement. He is absolutely late for everything. It is so rude and I don't say anything to him because he is an adult and I suppose i am afraid to upset him. Red flag I am so sure. About me and him

I was with a man who was emotionally unavailable, his good looks and manliness enthralled me but I was stuck like a magnet to him, turned out we were peas from the same pod and raised without love so didn't even know what love felt like, it was sheer physical attraction and ego. In saying that we are still together after a couple of breakups and we now after nearly thirty years we are the only ones who understand what our upbringing created us to be, we've lost our looks but the bond is still strong.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

this just solved my dating life haha thank you!

I feel so heartbroken over the latest… but it had to be done. No more limerance. I was just fooling myself. Thought I had my eyes wide open but I really didn’t.😢

The one about lending money… ohhhh gosh I wish you were there to tell me this when I was 23 🤦🏻‍♀️😅 but… lesson learned.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Me too! -Cara@TeamFairy

This is so spot on!!

Had I listened to all of the 'unavailable' red flags, I could have prevented my divorce with him! I was SO incredibly stupid.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Not stupid at all, this work is hard! -Cara@TeamFairy

Thank you for your videos. I’ve been following you for a couple years now. I recently ended a 5 year relationship which was difficult to do especially since we were friends over 30 years. I am 59 and did not want to enter my 60’s deceiving myself. I’ve probably dated men with all of these behaviors at some point with the exception of married men. Most of these men had past CPST just as myself. I thought this last relationship would be my last stop for relationships. I am depleted, empty, and at times an emotional mess from grieving. In spite of my emotions I am clear on the fact that I want to be treated better, I want better and I want to start by treating myself better. A relationship is no longer on my agenda. I’m back in therapy. I need to find support so I can stay away from this pattern and also I need to continue to work on healing the pain of an emotionally unavailable mother who I can’t seem to find peace in how to relate with her. It feels like so much at times. My self esteem is shot due these toxic relationships and I do not put myself above anyone I’ve dated as far as needing further healing. I feel good that I am aware of my issues but I am very ashamed at the same time. It’s emotionally draining. I have Fibromyalgia and really feel if I could consistently commit my life to healing my symptoms may decrease or go away completely. Once again Thank You for all you do Anna.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

It is SO emotionally draining going in the same circles, I'm so glad you're taking steps to break free. -Cara@TeamFairy

Somehow I’ve always dated guys on the edge of their -£1500 overdraft, I then help them, not giving money but through support and my own understanding of how to take care of my finances. I see a pattern that I always go for guys who are not mature or together in their life, and I then try to adjust to this but I don’t really want to settle for it. My dad was well off and together financially, but not emotionally, so why am I finding guys who are in a way very different to my dad and in a way the same? It is confusing

Thank you! You’re confirming my list of red flags, which is helpful. We cptsd folks tend to doubt our intuition at times. 💗

I’m number three. Still filled with lots of horrible stories of my exes… red flag I’m not ready/available 🤦‍♀️🤷‍♀️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Small steps :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Thank you. This was really helpful.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

So glad to hear it! -Cara@TeamFairy

I am sure I'm not alone when I say, your videos often move me to sadness and sometimes tears. You describe exactly so many poisonous circumstances and people that have put me through the wringer. It's so that, I may have kind of come to some of these realizations in hindsight on my own, but when you outline these things this way it really underscores the awful treatment I think we all have hungrily accepted because we just wanted love and acceptance. So many of us accept the crumbs you often describe because we have been starved. I thi9nk it's the validation you bring to us tattered folks out here that we never had before. I have had times where I would try and talk to "friends" about bad relationships and they say things like, "You two can work it out! You just have to TRY! If you LOVE HIM it's worth the effort!" Or "I don't know, you have a bad track record with guys and not being able to keep a relationship. The problem may really just be YOU." Thank you for not saying this kind of crap. Thank you for lighting the path to freedom from these miserable relationships.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Glad you're seeing a new path and ready to not accept crumbs anymore. We're rooting for you. - Ashley, Team Fairy

Such good advice. If they tell you they are divorced but really they are going through the process.

“Funny” how clear and resonate this is for me now, but a few years ago I was struggling with so many negative and unsettled feelings, that I couldn’t put in words.

So many of these things I saw and explained away. Yeah.

Great list! Love you, CCF!! :)

Thank you for this, Anna. 💛 - Feb

Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy and Team! Lots of Love, Jaden XXXOOO

Excellent video!

I have seen a number of these red flags in action with one of my exes, Anna is completely right!!

maaaan. I recently had a mix-up with a very toxic girl I had feelings girl. Yeah... she falls into some of these categories I'm so glad I burned that bridge she was really bad news. She was dishonest, manipulative, and wanted to deceive people (including me).

i HATE that ghosting/ not contacting stuff. horrible. my anxiety spikes and i’ll cuss them out 😂 but working on just letting a guy go if he does that…

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Good choice :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I love this video, really to the point, and actionable.

So helpful. Thank you 🙏

I would add a couple more: • not keeping their word • not wanting to get to know you; they only talk about themselves • everything is a transaction to them; all they care about is profit • talking to you, showing interest but never initiating a date • all talk and no action

Welp! I’m the A hole! I can’t control my temper behind the wheel and I don’t like that lady and yet every day I scream and carry on behind the wheel. As I do it, I think 1st can no body hear you, woman. 😒 I also feel ridiculous don’t it but I still can’t contain the outrage. I’m gonna keep watching and practicing in hopes to get a hold of myself. Pray for me.

Amazing advice! 🙏💖

Brilliant sound advice. Thing was with me and still is that you know in your belly to stay well clear yet you still pine for the little they give.

Best vid ever! Thank you

This channel is excellent and was made for me

Wonderful Anna -Thank you 🙏🙏🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! -Cara@TeamFairy

I LOVE YOUR VIDEOS!!!!!!!!! THEY HELP SO MUCH!!!! THANK YOU 😊

I have a very manipulative ex who would leave me waiting and then would eventually cancel. When I’d confront him and say “why didn’t you tell me sooner I could have made other plans.” He’d say “Oh I didn’t realize you had such important things to do.” Complete lack of respect and yet whenever I tried to break it off he’d relentlessly beg me for another chance. SO exhausting!!

I just wanted to say thank you. You have provided very clear, precise and helpful info.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

Another great video. …and just FYI, your hair and makeup look great! 😊💕🙌

Unless I'm misunderstanding the context, I fit #2 for the reason of explaining myself to my partner. He has said that me explaining my triggers and past experiences helps him understand some of my emotion dysregulation, which I'm trying very hard to fix.

Holy crap, I feel so seen! I just got out of a 6 year long relationship like this. can I also add: the way he treats/views the opposite sex in general. For example: my partner would view all females as either sex objects or attention-seeking bitches. Do you have any advice for someone who had a history of emotional neglect and wanting to get over the red flag blindness?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Yes, start here with this free course: bit.ly/38JfzK1 -Cara@TeamFairy