"Unhealthy people will be attracted to someone who needs nothing, who's content with a ghost". Damn. Nailed it with that sentence. I very much appreciate how concise you are with these videos. Thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you.

@llauralop

3 жыл бұрын

She shoots straight through the ❤

@user-gk7dn3ts1q

3 жыл бұрын

im definitely not attracted to that, trauma fortunately didn't take my common sense a red flag is a red flag.....fuck that

@karenmcardle142

3 жыл бұрын

Very true 👍. Keep negativity away bring positivity on. & am really happy with my ghost 🌹.

@herewegokids7

3 жыл бұрын

Well fuck.

can we also talk about how many movies and books and music and more encourage unstable/toxic relationships or limerence fantasies??? like growing up an awkward teenager, not knowing what love is, being isolated and anxious, and not having parents who were super affectionate, the *only* way i knew what love was was from media. and there are so many movies and books where the girl falls for an unavailable, married, toxic, abusive, etc guy and *it actually works out* i’m angry. THAT’S NOT REAL LIFE

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Good point :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@tinyluchino2626

2 жыл бұрын

Never thought about that but THANK YOU

@thezanarose

2 жыл бұрын

Agreed

@JilliansNL

2 жыл бұрын

This!!!

@Areutherehello

2 жыл бұрын

Yes. All my life, there was domestic abuse and narcissistic abuse in my home. All I ever really absorbed as far as what love looked like was what I saw in movies and read in books. Lots of tense build up, push and pull, the "butterflies" in the stomach, manipulative characters that eventually conquer the other person. I thought intense electricity that I felt for someone who "clearly showed me signs of love" was the golden dream, the main goal. This has only hurt me again and again.

Impossible relationships are an excellent way to stay alone... and staying alone is a great way to stay safe... and miserable:-(

@vladynick

3 жыл бұрын

Thomas, spoken as a true insensitive narcissist!! Staying alone and away from ANY type of dysfunctional relationship is anything BUT miserable!!! It's freeing and enlightening. Sorry for your dysfunctional character.

@charliegriffin4908

3 жыл бұрын

@@vladynick I don't know what Thomas means, but I share his sentiments, insomuch as when I lost what I regarded as my perfect partner, I've been unable to trust anyone, or myself, since. Hence, I've stayed safe, but miserable, alone and disconnected to an extent. So, I agree that it's dysfunctional, but not malicious, as your comment seems to imply. More lost and fearful, I'd say.

@christlearners2393

3 жыл бұрын

Do you think it's an unconscious need and motivation?

@Kalleesto

3 жыл бұрын

@@vladynick This comment of yours should be deleted - it's beyond unhelpful - it's toxic.

@Augfordpdoggie

3 жыл бұрын

id rather be alone and miserable than trapped and miserable

Going after guys who just weren't into me. One date and drop. Once I stopped looking and just left it upto God. I had given up at 30. Along comes a younger man in his 20's who we actually were mutually interested in each other. We've been married 27 years.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Great story! -Cara@TeamFairy

@CiaobellaAmour

2 жыл бұрын

Omg🤗

@courtneyjackson7138

Жыл бұрын

The part when you said. Once I stopped looking and I left it to god. It spoke to my soul. Blessings

Someone who talks to you everyday and celebrates your birthday and makes you dinner. 😮 . Omg !!! Yes.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

:)

@clairew4288

3 жыл бұрын

You know, you can give that loving support in a respectful way to someone, but unconsciously, but it is attached to mistrust triggers for them. Then you will, keep getting rejected and hurt..trauma gets passed on to 'the healthy' over time too. Especially the anger and violence if you wind up trusting the wrong person, then stuck in a dangerous situation due to naive trust, without any financial, local or other good personal resources to get away simply. Trauma is also a contagion. Some are very good at hiding it and do fool the more healthily positive, who are 'emotionally available' sometimes after long positive, careful and productive lives. That can set you up as a target when off-guard, especially in later years too, as i found. Those who are knowingly unhealed, should more fully heal first - and not expect others to do it 'for them' ie. before feeling 'entitled to" harm others. Those who do put their love and vulnerability on the line, who are capable of reciprocity, with their light on shining. Lights sometimes attract predators unfortunately too. Please do be stabler inside 'trauma abused' people, before setting out to groom, fool, then unconsciously, intentionally or entitledly 'assault' anyone with 'normal' re-attachment hopes? No idea how now, i may ever attach safely with trust, very readily with anyone again, after that last damage onslaught of only 2.5 years - i'm still recovering 2.5 years later! I think that sort of time frame is healthy though, after extreme aggression and sabotage is launched at an unsuspecting person, just wanting to share love. No way you should be with anyone until re-healed personally though? I'd rather stay alone than hurt anyone or be hurt that deeply physically, mentally and emotionally again? I have no shame and feel ok about myself again now, i sure learned the hard way though. But the trauma is so ingrained in body and emotional responses especially now. The worst impacts were from the hyperdominance, constant completely wrongly attributed motivation projections and the gaslighting. Its dissociated me from my own feelings and i am quite numb, more 'logical' now - with the only 'feelings' still internally struggled with being battling my own off reactions to others who trigger upsetting, affronted, humiliated or attacked hyperarousal, my own internal 'righteous anger' at seeing other hurt others and, the like. I never had those earlier in life, so they're a challenge, which mostly just causes sadness or exhaustion when they arise. You only see most of it clearly in hindsight. Slowly slowly. Its actually originally a relief to get strength back alone, no way would you go back go that constant aggression and goading/fault finding and critique, no matter what you do. But then there are bigger blocks with waking up in fear and 'internally' autoangry at others who do similar harmful things to others. I never 'felt'that angry and could forgive easily before. Its all a response to not having been able to 'deal reasonably and self/other negotiably' with the overwhelming anger of another, for so long, while living resource entrapped and financially helpless. Don't pass on your own experiences if they aren't resolved effectively if you're a trauma live wire is the message I guess I'm trying to affirm? Have to say its hardest being exposed to this later in life too. i trusted others pretty easily before - but at 58 now, losing half a decade of life, I don't think intimacy is as good an idea as self care and reaching out to friendships through sharing activities. Though hard during lockdowns, online is so unsatisfying too..but you mustn't lose hope it will improve and it does seem positive rebuilding that way. i am an older therapist of 30 years - somehow struggled on in effectiveness and keeping professional skills and empathy separate - but, it was so its hard to find help from others, who i don't have a chance to meet professionally! But a few healers and skilled people have been vitally helpful. Just recently i also decided to let go of an old friend, still linked distantly, who'd actually been how i met the person with severe cptsd. I realised in a flash one day, that they were an ongoing different kind of victim too, not healing, but glamorising their own former martyrdom feelings, 'rescuing', wanting kudos - and to dump their own issues, sharing in pain, always being 'obviously heroic'. Then more historically viewed, over 30 years, they hadn't ever pursued me go see how things were, had also group-gossiped about everything with other friends, some potentially linked to networks associated with my referral ones or clients. So careless, but some triangles formed back eventually and it was really awful to note how much i'd had trust betrayed there too. They were insecure about 'image' but didn't even get their own risk to the privacy of others going through hard stuff..the information conveyed back contained 'i should get over it' judgements too. They, with others involved in the 'gossiping' seemingly were not even getting my desire to rise above and feel whole again, or being a support to others being the way i earn my way, needing time out in different ways, though explained. It was all about 'sides' or 'winning and losing' or being 'stronger'. Just rubbish stuff for healing! The last time the friend i distance from called me, they'd been drinking, briefly offered support, then began overlooking and pulling apart everything i said about fears about another dangerous person! Simply not believing me in trust, second guessing and solution proposing.That time, i basically hardcore stood ground, wrote down the issues field and sadly, decided to distance more permanently. At a certain life point, with particularly ingrained habits and justifications, i don't think certain people with deep childhood pain are healing interested. Its all a projection of habit and bitter feelings? Trauma in a friend you excuse a lot, often supports poor decisions about trauma being maintained too? We must be careful about the quality of our friendships, if trusted as much as intimates - you only get a certain innings in life? Its too short to be 'encouraged' away from healing the best way you can, when/if someone else is making the opposite kinds of personal choices. Thanks for these thought provoking vignettes Anna. They help me know end, to realise how grateful i am for a relatively stable childhood. But also to better sidestep 'long-damaged/damage maintaining adult' danger - and understand how i fell into some less cautious friendship and trust patterns myself. I'm gradually rebuilding healthier social support networks again. Its not as easy when older, but still looking possible! Don't feel rushed into anything, at any age. There is still time. x

@Lindsay1581

3 жыл бұрын

@@clairew4288 You seem to be very judgmental of all people who've experienced serious childhood trauma. You begged the viewers to not get into relationships without completely healing themselves first so as not to hurt others, and then summed it all up with a declaration that we don't actually want to heal because we're too set in our "habits." Not much hope in or for us, huh? And you say you are a therapist? I'm sorry, but I have a really hard time seeing that. So much of what you wrote about your ex-friend, for instance, sounded like a teenager's account. You have labeled the people closest to you as irreparably damaged and unwilling to change, meanwhile it does not sound as though you're willing at all to imagine that the problem may have been yourself. I'm just saying, try to see that perhaps *you* were the one who was unhealthy in your relationships after all, rather than pinning it on everyone else in your life. You may not have struggled with childhood trauma, as you say, but perhaps you were born with an illness. No one goes into a relationship wishing to ruin someone's life; the ones who do ruin lives don't necessarily know there's something wrong with themselves. I hope you can keep an open mind and actually try to put in the work to heal yourself, so no one else will suffer. I realize that sounds harsh, but it is exactly what you said to all of her viewers. You are out of line for coming to the comment section and telling everyone who came here for help that they are unworthy of love because *you* were hurt by someone and you blame that person for your damage. You - a therapist - are scolding and taking out your childish anger on thousands of people you don't know because you were hurt, and you've done it under the guise of an altruist wanting to 'save' others from us. Stop with the gaslighting and work on yourself.

@dawnacoxon3111

2 жыл бұрын

@@Lindsay1581 You are really actually in validating her own trauma. She is very accountable. And she says people that are knowingly unhealed and get into relationships and project their trauma.

@km_6181

2 жыл бұрын

My ex did all this and still devalued me thru out the relationship 😥

“Rushing into intimacy with CPTSD is not a way to happiness.” If I had been told that as a child and young adult my life would be very different now. 💕

@Pessia88

3 жыл бұрын

On the other hand you will be more lonely. I didnt rush and suddenly it was 15 years later. And not doing much better. Error and trial could work for some people

@lesdyxiatoo

3 жыл бұрын

@@Pessia88 well there is the delicate balance between not jumping all in way too early and completely isolating yourself until you’re “ready”. While it isn’t good to rush things it’s also not good to hold out on making connections entirely because both are extremes just on opposite ends of the spectrum.

@marilyn3335

3 жыл бұрын

@@Pessia88 Error and trial That's a pill I had a swallow.

@marilyn3335

3 жыл бұрын

I am Content being on my own.I rather be on my own. The price is to had for me to 🐻

@ericadelnigro6780

2 жыл бұрын

Right?! For years I felt like a magical being that always found love at first sight. Not the way to happiness. Magical thinking is real, but the results are always there

My #1 rule for socializing with coworkers...Never consume alcohol around them, especially with subordinates.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Very wise :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@marleyofficialmedia

2 жыл бұрын

Agreed!

@joanlynch5271

2 жыл бұрын

This is so true!

@robincrowflies

2 жыл бұрын

Has anyone here thought about how much emotional energy we spend on people at work, who never become a deep, rooted part of our lives? It seems really unhealthy to spend all that emotional energy, just to throw it out the window. Just another thing about capitalism that I I hate.

@mlw1700

2 жыл бұрын

@@robincrowflies Name something better.

Forty year old male here and what a comfort it is to listen to this from time to time. Right on the money. I have not found anyone else who speaks with so much clarity on childhood trauma and how it manifests in adult life, apart from "alan robarge". Its difficult to convey how alienating and how stigmitizing it feels to only have a string of turbulent relationships in ones past, and not for lack of honest trying.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Strangeries

2 жыл бұрын

Wow, your comment hit me so hard in the feels. I hear you brother, I feel exactly the same way. Why can't I find a proper relationship that lasts?

@MotorcyclePhaedrus

2 жыл бұрын

@@Strangeries key phrase is "emotional neglect" most often. Just search for everything tied to this online

@prakashsharma1866

2 жыл бұрын

@@Strangeries yes... I'm in the same boat

@prakashsharma1866

2 жыл бұрын

@@MotorcyclePhaedrus thanks

Never entertain even a thought of getting intimately involved with a married person..it never ends well 👈

@melonyclark9413

3 жыл бұрын

@1111 99900 unless it's your husband or boyfriend someone else is cheating with. Right? Married men are off limits because I don't make it a habit to go around hurting people, including myself in the end.

@brians1793

3 жыл бұрын

@@melonyclark9413 As a 35YO attractive guy I'm damn proud of the fact that I have as much integrity as I do, not necessarily saying taking it to the extreme of still being a virgin was necessary, I just never saw s*x as a 'casual' thing and never cared about validation from other guys, and usually when guys care so much about that it's kind of pathetic. Like I get it from a biological perspective, it's just for me it's always been enough when I've realized at points in my life I could practically have anyone I wanted, first time I realized that was after playing a Metallica solo at the high school talent show and suddenly some of the most desirable girls are giving me attention. Attractive enough to get attention from women around 20(and I mean now at 35) based on looks alone, and as a person I'm attractive enough that older more mature women really like me a lot, I'm an elementary school custodian with mostly women teachers and help cater weddings, mostly with women in their 50's. TBH sometimes I don't like being treated very differently for being attractive, I'll really notice it when I've had long hair and a neck beard for a long time, then shave and get a crew cut, especially when I went back to contacts. One time I did that when I was around 25 a random cashier I'd never seen before told me I look like Val Kilmer, first I'd heard that, similar to how he looks in Top Gun but I wasn't sure who that was at the time. I don't mean this to sound like a humble brag(I wouldn't be doing this anonymously online if I meant it that way and it wouldn't be about looks), but other than manual labor and I am serious about diet but don't count calories or anything, I maintain 15% body fat or so besides. I'm just the kind of person where I hate being unfairly favored in some ways, especially when others know it's happening and it can be why some people 'hate' skinny and/or attractive people, when I haven't even used it to my advantage for s*x lol. But where I'm getting at is, even as a virgin where I also totally gave up 'adult content' 6 years ago and am really into nofap, I would NEVER knowingly get with a woman in a relationship, let alone married. If anything I'd be the kind of guy to set the woman up and expose them to the poor husband, because I would never want to be with someone cheating behind my back and would want to know if it's happening, and it's a big reason I avoid romance these days. I am very good at reading people though, I'm somewhere between an INTF/INTJ and can practically see in a person's soul, literally get to know people on a deep psychological level better than they know themselves in short time, I'm just very smart that way. But people don't find me creepy or anything because I also have a very strong self-awareness. But it also makes it very difficult for a guy like me to find my type of woman, even if I practically could have anyone I want. I for sure if I knew they felt strongly about me tell them they have to leave their current partner and be loyal to me. I have a deep love and respect for women still, despite being a virgin and red pill, and don't regret it one bit. I give women the benefit of the doubt. Sometimes I wish I could be closer to women without having to worry about unintentionally leading them on and hurting them, I was always the one friend-zoning girls growing up lol, I hated it so much. Even a lot of young 'single' women these days, not having a father present can cause daddy issues and that's where so much promiscuity comes from, so a guy like me especially could take full advantage of that just to sleep around, but I realize I'm basically taking advantage of women that might not yet realize how broken they are, and that society is lying to them about young women sleeping around not mattering, when in reality they can lose pair-bonding ability for good with as little as 5 different partners, so like 80% of women will lose that by 28 most likely thanks to dating apps and top 10% attractive men dating down. I'd rather never compromise on my values and principles, and I actually come from a pretty liberal family lol, it's always just been how I am as a person. I've just naturally had high-value male traits the more I look back, and am definitely more a sigma male than alpha, I have no problem following depending on the leader, and would ONLY want to lead if I knew I was the best person to do so.

@melonyclark9413

3 жыл бұрын

@@brians1793 Understood. Thanks for clarifying. The pair-bonding findings are especially intriguing.

@humanyoda

3 жыл бұрын

It ends very well sometimes. The world offers much more variety that one might think.

@KoreaMojo

2 жыл бұрын

@@humanyoda It is a rarity. As far as psychologists studying these types of things. But it also depends on the maturity level of the people. Perhaps they have antisocial traits and wanted something specific, it may end well for them, although they have a limited emotional range of experience in the first place. But for people looking for connecting and fulfillment, not so much. Variety and quality are not synonymous and one can try to see the benefits even in the worst of circumstances but it doesn't benefit them when they create the worst of circumstances. At best, you get this person and now have to deal with the nagging idea that when things aren't as hot, they will cheat on you and visa versa because unlike someone else you know in fact they have exhibited that behavior. Peace of mind and quality contact are of high price and low supply in the day to day. I guess people rationalize what they cannot or have not had as unimportant.

I'll be turning 35 this year, and I'm still unable to establish proper relationships, of any kind. I wish I've had access to people like you when I was in my early 20s. I wish I could speak to my younger self and make her understand, not only about life but about herself and the problems and trauma she didn't know she had. I have a lot to learn from you. However, every time I watch one of your videos, I cry. It's overwhelming. But I'm trying. Thank you.

@rsrch412

3 жыл бұрын

vagrantones. *music diaries* I stand at 51 cheering you on. I believe your future self is doing the same. ❣👏🏽

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

@vagrantones I wish *I* had these videos when I was 35! Now is a good time for absolutely anyone to start healing.

@MzSoulll

3 жыл бұрын

it's never too late. the time is now!

@thefauxjackie

3 жыл бұрын

Crying can be healthy. I encourage you to let it all out. You are doing great ❤️

@vhayashi7369

3 жыл бұрын

It's not your fault. I've watched men coaches online saying this generation hates women. I've given up too.

"Your apology is to stay away." Brilliant. Wiser words were never spoken.

The difficulty often is that the unavailable person often unintentionally feeds the fantasy. Just when you think you're over, they do something that rekindles the hopeless hope. So one big thing is to overcome even those confusing moments for what they are.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

You are so right. It's nice getting attention.

@goldheartminer7069

2 жыл бұрын

Yes why can't available guys give nice attention or is this fantasy thinking again?

@user-yk9sk7pg6v

2 жыл бұрын

great comment, light

@northofyou33

Жыл бұрын

Or they intentionally feed it because they want a side chick. I'm in the think of one of those right now.

@emzuli7432

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes they do it intentionally

All of my relationships, were with emotionally unavailable people, just like my parents. Being love starved, I chose really sick, alcoholic people. I think I tried to fix all these people, hoping they would love 💘 me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

It makes sense that we are just trying to get what we think we need, luckily we are worth more than we thought :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@mskatwilkins

3 жыл бұрын

Even though I married into a loving family, I still spent more of my time trying to "fix" the really sick people around me - - it wasn't until after both my parents died and my brother disappeared from my life that I was fully free to devote all my time and energy nurturing the loving relationships with the people who truly loved and accepted me.

@echase416

2 жыл бұрын

@@mskatwilkins Sometimes people want to rescue others, because they weren’t rescued themselves.

@maryann_bekind

2 жыл бұрын

Been there, done that too - I'm 66 now and I gave up any hope. I see my sister's in marriage's with men that don't respect them or anyone else in the family and my 1 sister that has kids has pretty much made them dependent on them financially for fear they'll abandon her. She was a terrible mother and the only thing she has to give is money, no maternal instincts and a narcissistic. She was always too busy being a social butterfly ( or so she thought ) so people would think she was a great person but she's just a good fake. She just wants everyone to feed her ego.

@bettywormsley6319

2 жыл бұрын

63 still healing after 3 bad marriages ,have 37 yrs seeing psychiatrist,,need help ending a person ,that dates ladies .IM NOT in relationship,,IVE ALWAYS SAID NO TO SEX. I GAVE A HUGE PROJECT AN IDEA And he's building it.

Impossible romance keeps us safe from having to be really vulnerable, having to be really out there in a "real" relationship with someone equally vulnerable and even from having tried and failed in the real world. Aaah ah... Limerance...

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly! -Cara@TeamFairy

@user-lv2qn2lh1m

8 ай бұрын

Learning

I see how abandonment has been the main theme running the show my entire life. It's now time to heal, I really can't live this way anymore it's soul destroying. I'm shutting the door for good, on unavaiable men and any type of abuse from others and especially myself. I stand up for myself

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Excellent!

@tanyatanya9492

2 жыл бұрын

🤗

@ileanahope466

2 жыл бұрын

Good for you!

@queenbee7074

2 жыл бұрын

I wish you peace and love! I have started listening to Brahma Kumaris on youtube by accident and sister shivani has opened ny eyes in terms of how to emit love and peace yet remaining detached from negative energies or expectations

18:52 "Now I think going slowly is one of the most powerful and self-loving things that a person with cptsd can do in a relationship" this is so validating to me, I'm practicing that since a good 5 years now, people think I'm kinda slow and I let them think that, I know what I'm doing. Thank you a lot for validating me with this phrase.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

It can take a lot of fortitude to follow through with that and we find it is SO worth it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Yosemite2003

3 жыл бұрын

Yes! This is my goal. I see each time I don’t take it slow it unravels.

A mother should absolutely not have a say in who a 23 year old is seeing. Threathening to abandon your daughter due to her falling inlove with someone supportive is very inappropriate and selfish even if you work with covidpatients. The daughter should not be put in a position to have to choose between her mother or a loveinterest.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching :)

I’m leaning to go slow in relationship, in my 60’s! we had no access to this kind of information when I was younger. Bravo to the young women who wrote in, so brave to be doing this work.

It was so helpful to hear that sometimes healing does not involve a conversation or confrontation, but simply moving on despite every impulse telling you to fix the situation by engaging with it (as in the first situation where her colleague ghosted her). Disengaging to stop feeding the beast is such an underrated strategy.

@carloferretti8956

Жыл бұрын

This comment is me right now, I spotted this dynamic. And for the first time I am not chasing it.

It's incredibly liberating to start understanding what is happening in your injured psyche ... Thank you for your work.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, freedom feels GOOD! -Cara@TeamFairy

I never have thought of this aspect of the situation. Your parents' situation broke your 'picker ' so you have to abandon your picker and let them pick you instead.

I have never clicked on a video so fast!!! I’ve been dealing with this since childhood- maladaptive daydreaming- which wasn’t always such a terrible thing because I’m also a writer and that’s where our stories live, in our heads and dreams u til we can wrestle them to paper. Anyway-but the daydreaming, the fantasizing about being in a romantic relationship, it just takes over until it feels like I can’t function. I’m so happy for this video. I’m working on how to be kind to myself but also how to aggressively be mindful (well, maybe vigilant about being mindful lol) to combat the daydreaming & fantasizing. It’s so automatic that it may take me minutes to catch myself. I do want to be in a relationship IRL but I feel like a prisoner to my own mind. I need to stop this and learn how to live realistically.

@charlotte5671

3 жыл бұрын

Omg I feel like I've never resonated so much with something. I'm a writer I'm a survivor CPTSD I didn't understand or even know about until My younger sister was diagnosed with it. I knew I was a survivor of use but I didn't understand this term or have heard of it I was just pressing on being a workaholic codependent highly functioning but dying on the inside person. I've been a writer my whole life & I've continue to choose partners that are not suitable and never been able to give myself into a relationship or be honest about my needs ever. I didn't even realize I was doing it. It's kept me really lonely even when I'm with someone when all I really wanted was to feel close to someone. I realized in trying to date how terrified I was to even just tell somebody something simple like I wanted to see them scared me so much. I'm So glad to have found Ana & her videos. There has been so much good come out of the content that people are creating and making available online I'm super grateful and for people being honest and speaking up so we don't all have to feel so alone anymore. It's helped me to speak up too. ❤️

@billfarley9167

3 жыл бұрын

I gave up years ago. Now 88 and just fine, thank you very much. However, your videos helped me to understand and process the past.

@galaxylucia1898

3 жыл бұрын

@@charlotte5671 Hi Charlotte--sorry I didn't see this sooner! You are definitely NOT alone. There are so many of us who are working through our trauma and issues. I think it's awesome that you continue to date and to connect with others, inspite of your fears. My favorite mantra for the year is from Jim Kwik: "Practice makes progress." All we can do is love ourselves and let the abundance of our self-love flow into our other relationships. When we're our authentic self (even as we're healing) it won't be so HARD to speak our truths with those who DESERVE to be our friends and lovers. So I'm excited for you and myself. We're both learning how to heal ourselves and day by day, we'll grow towards being in loving and healthier relationships. Thanks for taking the time to comment. I wish you many blessings of peace and compassion. I'm so grateful that you shared your truth with me. Be well friend.

@charlotte5671

3 жыл бұрын

@@galaxylucia1898 Thank you so much I feel honestly so much differently now that I let out my feelings instead of trying to stuff them in 😅 I think that that's really interesting universal feeling that toxicity kind of created in so many people not just people who had traumatic lives It just made it much worse for us. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to me. I love when you said you're excited for you and for me I'm excited for us too. & Bill @ 88 I hope that you find ways to make your life feel as nice everyday as you deserve all the happiness in the world just like each of us does. You know that's something that I guess I really found worked for me is that anytime I was thinking "they" someone deserves something I would start to add, "yes and you too!" About myself. You can't be the one exception that somehow didn't deserve the love! That doesn't make any sense. The truth is is that just because you didn't get something it doesn't mean you didn't deserve it. It would be like saying someone deserve to lose a limb or something that's not true. Our minds make up a lot of stories. We just make it up. So start making up new stories ones that feel good.

@Applauseify

3 жыл бұрын

I have been in daydreaming mode since my childhood..always impossinlble dream

I love that analogy of a cotton candy relationship! Not only aren’t these types of relationships not nourishing but they’re exactly like the fluff of cotton candy - that cannot withstand any type of hardship. Humidity can cause cotton candy to melt. There’s nothing solid or stable at all… brilliant analogy! 👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Appreciate your comments! -Cara@TeamFairy

@user-lv2qn2lh1m

8 ай бұрын

👍🏽👍🏽

In the last week; ive let everyone know about your channel. Life changing.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much!

@sharonbyrum2471

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy @

@FaithfulandTrue949

3 жыл бұрын

Yes the more we share the more can heal 👍👍

@jenniferg6818

3 жыл бұрын

Me too.

Can a child be abandoned when parents are front and center? Yes! I feel alone in a crowded room.....and I appear to be an outgoing person.

@nektulosnewbie

3 жыл бұрын

You could alwo be Highly Sensitive on top of that. One of the annoying things about it is being aware of how different you are compared to others.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

@M. R.This is common for people with CPTSD.

@josephinetyree1476

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy WELL...THAT BE "ME".....I've never felt like I fit in...Only in one specific 'church' group..in the 70's....

@billfarley9167

3 жыл бұрын

Great book for men to understand abandonment: "Absent Fathers, Lost Sons." A father can be present during your whole growing up period and still be absent is what I learned. The book sure clarified a lot of behaviours for me and allowed me to understand my upbringing more. I became a pleaser which took a long time to break.

@christlearners2393

3 жыл бұрын

Absolutely a child can, and I think it's worse. If they left or were dead, that would be difficult. But when they are in person, right next to you, but unavailable.....you blame yourself as unworthy. It's terrorizing emotionally. Horrible! In my twenties, I feel charged around other people as an extrovert, but I think the wounds are so deep and heavy, and the insidious untrust of others........leaves me secretly depressed and not wanting to burden others. Another version of our not good thought processes. Lord help us be healed and unburdened by the hurt and rejection of other in the past, by the blood of jesus, I ask in your name, Amen

When you said something like unhealthy people are happy with a ghost is very true. Unfortunately I married that long before I was healed. Now that I’m healing I strongly dislike being treated like a ghost. It’s weird though, he treats others like they matter when they are sick, rushing to bedside, taking time off work, showing empathy when it’s mental health related. But I see how it’s a matter of others seeing his actions towards people outside our gone but I live with him so he feels he doesn’t have to impress me.

@christlearners2393

3 жыл бұрын

I can relate to that one...... it isn't about what is real in front of him, it's about what others think that feeds his ego. My Husband to the T... he will do things for me and act like I'm ungrateful or a bitch in front of others and I don't even try to clarify or fight it anymore. I just think, Oh well, I'm tired.....hope he enjoys his little ego boost. Ugh! Whatever is my attitude. lol Which kind of feeds that impression. But I got so much crap to deal with, their impression is the last thing I can deal with. Then it's prioritizations for me..... and diagnosed with autoimmuned disease and other serious things, I just have no energy to spend on trivial things anymore. Time matters and so does energy. :)

@mskatwilkins

3 жыл бұрын

@@christlearners2393 so very like my parents!

@lalaladyp726

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, this sounds very familiar.

Forgive yourself, let go of the guy, and move on. #1 Married guy - alarm bells #2 Doesn't forgive you for embarrassing behavior that you regret - alarm bells #3 Staying attached to this inappropriate relationship - will leave you stuck. Detach. There is something to be said about loyalty to yourself, even while you admit your mistakes, and repent. Unavailable people will waste precious time in your life. Give yourself the emotional support that you are searching for from people outside of yourself, and move on.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your comments :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@KoreaMojo

2 жыл бұрын

The married guy may forgive her but may have just been friendly and now has seen she took it different and backed off. That's what a good person does when they don't want to cheat. That's my critique of that assumption.

@regularity2556

2 жыл бұрын

The guy probably doesn't want to encourage her by "forgiving" her. He's probably doing the safest thing for his marriage and career which is keeping away

@alejandraledesma7592

2 жыл бұрын

An ex stopped talking to me after he broke up with me. I saw him at work all the time and mutual friends would talk about him and post pictures with him. He moved in to the same neighborhood where I live and I have run into him a couple of times on the street. It hurts to see him and not be able to say hi. He has turned the other way to avoid even looking at me. I think I should move…

@ileanahope466

2 жыл бұрын

@@alejandraledesma7592 I think moving is a good solution and perhaps you will be in a better neighborhood with better options for a single person. Good luck!

“why is it hard to fall in love with available people? because people are triggering. actual relationships are triggering.” OH. in my one actual relationship, i cried randomly all the time, for no apparent reason, and my boyfriend was too immature to handle that. so i said, never again, and fell back into habits of limerence with others. i’m telling you i just found your channel and *everything makes sense*

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

@navarrovaraceli82

2 жыл бұрын

I also cried all time when I first got with my husband he didn’t know why I was crying and neither did I. I don’t recall being sexually abused and I had both parents in the home. But for some reason I am resonating with all this. I finally found an answer to all my failed relationships and I always wondered why I had attracted unavailable men.

@carlamurphy7541

2 жыл бұрын

Unavailable people trigger us the most and that's what we are used too unfortunately

@hotcakesism

2 жыл бұрын

@Paul Gauthier well that's great because it means you can be re-traumatized over and over again! Lmao

@ElaCanessaMusic

Жыл бұрын

Omg! I taught that was only happening to me! I had my heart closed for soooo long and when I found my boyfriend and love was reciprocated all wounds and triggers come up to surface…I found myself crying a lot! Being triggered a lot!…but I’m grateful now cause I’m aware of so much and even it it hurts a lot it’s my time to heal and I finally have a diagnosis of so many things in my life!

The second letter reminds me of my own parents: narc father, hystrionic personality mother. She demonized him, played us kids to be her counsellor. In a time of world crisis and financial stress, victims are fresh prey to our families as we all are desperate for housing. Adult survivors are facing homelessness or move-in with abusive relatives. It is never ok to excuse abuse or threats from someone under the predicate of 'they pay the bills'; it is a slippery slope which used to be worded 'well what happens behind closed doors, between spouses, within a family is their business'

@christlearners2393

3 жыл бұрын

So true, and it does seem almost a set up for more abusive situations :'( Lord have mercy on us.

@teresareid5034

3 жыл бұрын

I so agree with you my own mother was very controlling so I went onto be a little like this with my children but I’m learning now to let go my son used to say to me about his room this is my room and I like it untidy but I used to say but it’s my house and your do as I say which now I can see his point of view and I’m learning to just shut the door on his bedroom and jet him be yes there has to be some respect for parents but healthy respect and not trying to control how your children live and want to live this girl in the video is a adult her mother has no right to control her life just because she is under her roof that’s unhealthy control it sounds to me her mother is trying to control her daughters life or she is jealous of her ability to have a relationship with a man ❤️

@mskatwilkins

3 жыл бұрын

oh, such powerful words: "NEVER tell anyone what happens in this house"

Thank you so much, Anna. I was wondering if you could make a video on "maladaptive daydreaming" tendencies, seen in those with C-PTSD. Not sure if you have a video on it already!

@dermotosullivan3065

2 жыл бұрын

Good idea!

@lulumoon6942

2 жыл бұрын

YES, THIS!!!!

@joanlynch5271

2 жыл бұрын

Interesting!

@mariesook9141

2 жыл бұрын

Good idea. I'm interested too.

@spicychai

2 жыл бұрын

I need this more than anything

I relate to this so hard. But I'm getting more and more flashes in my "cab-light". I totally got into this insane attatchment to a woman twice my age in school. I was 22, she was 46. My desperation for approval from a mother-figure, a connection that to me felt like love, I was all in. I couldn't deal with actual intimacy and relationships, so it was all perfect that she was married. I cut contact and moved away, for both my and her sake. I still dream about her almost evey night. She rejects me over and over and over in every single dream. I'm not in love with her anymore. In fact I'm almost repelled by her, but her symbolic ghost haunts me still. I'm going to take these tips to heart. They are excellent. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

I hope you try out some of the tools for your healing and freedom :) -Cara@TeamFairy

My partner & I went to a counselor for awhile. On about the 3rd visit she told us that neither of us had the right ingredients. She made the analogy of a cake. You can't make a cake with only flour & eggs. In other words between the two of us we were missing a lot of key ingredients. Long story short, here we are 7 years later, still together with no cake.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Wow. Do you feel it has been a mistake?

@karenmcardle142

3 жыл бұрын

U will have some more key ingredients though 👍🙏 . 💐

@herewegokids7

3 жыл бұрын

That's how it was for myself and my ex. I waited 32 yrs then I wanted to make some cake

@philima

2 жыл бұрын

Great summary of my waiting game of 9 years... ended with a bang, it didn't taste good

i am not even looking for relationship any more

@aaronmann9442

3 жыл бұрын

So you gave up?

@Kareena1988

2 жыл бұрын

Thats a lie..you have low self esteem

@snr0n

2 жыл бұрын

@@Kareena1988 Do you actually know the person you're replying to, or are you just projecting your own issues onto them in a needlessly aggressive way? There are many reasons someone might not be putting any time into looking for a relationship. I hope you're able to make some progress on working through yours, since this topic seems to be bringing up some difficult emotions for you.

The fear of abandonment with is people who were severely emotionally hurt by our parents is enormous.. (I ve found out too that I was very much emotionally neglected from my mother but also from my father, psychologically permanently abused with way too big expectations at school and at the same time my needs were all the time neglected as a kid). I also always felt my entire life that I'm not important enough next to all other people and I am indeed suffering to very low self esteem for years. I'm 38,still unmarried, no kids, I had several traumatic experiences in relationships last time I was in a very abusing relationship with a guy who's an alcoholic and kept it secret from me (I know it can happen) and he was a borderliner too with lots of anxiety. Now I'm almost 2 years single and I don't really need anyone.. I'm afraid to commit.. I, that I craved human connection and I was overly romantic, I am afraid to relive the same drama and pain, I don't want to depend on anyone emotionally.. Because I do not want ever to get hurt this way again.. I became avoidant. I try to avoid emotional dependency and pain.. All it ever taught me was pain and I don't want this anymore... At the same time I admire people who are strong and they don't depend themselves emotionally to anyone else and I want to become this way fully too.. Is this normal for us people with complex trauma disorder?

Excellent advice. Additionally, I think it's important to keep reminding women that no contact is an apology. Men get this. It's often why they ghost. They get it about not contacting someone you don't think is a good idea to contact. They're OK with no verbal apology. Women often have trouble remembering this and think there's unfinished business if they don't have a final conversation.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, so called "closure." Though it never does the trick in my experience!

@northofyou33

Жыл бұрын

@Kim, thank you for this comment. I have always thought that men who ghosted me were cruel. But you are right. Sometimes the apology tangles the web even more. I need to learn to ghost people more. LOL

I like the idea. Same with eating junk food - it steals the space for the potential of getting the healthy nutrients that we actually need. ❤️

You learn false love is what true love looks like. There’s an imbalance & you’re so right that it’s poison

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Appreciate your presence here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

You're the first person I've ever really heard talk about this kind of problem (in the first letter). Thank you! I think of these "cotton candy" obsessions in terms of drug addiction too. They feel so much better than anything "real" as long as things are going well, but the crash is brutal and sends me to the depths of despair.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, exactly! -Cara@TeamFairy

Pete Walker’s definition of Abandonment Melange is a spot-on description of my exact emotional state for the last two years.

thank you so much for your wise, deep and mind changing analysis. It makes me feel like I'm getting sober from this crazy traumatic fog.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, I think sober is a good word for it. Seeing clearly, emotionally level.

The more i watch your work, the more i understand myself. Thanks -x-

So on point! Unavailable relationships - I’ve done that quite a lot - in real life and in my dreams. The last one - my friend (who is married man) at some time felt so close to me (and I really think he felt that too since he’s the one who mostly contact me), that I realise that I started to fall into some deeper feeling for him, then I REALLY forced myself to cut the communication to minimum. Keeping it friendly (as it’s normal) and limited by time. I even saw him in my dreams... I felt better after I just catch any thought about him and switch it to smb/smth else. As to married men generally l really think- some of them really like to flirt/talk more/ even try to secretly date you. Even if it’s normal friendship it can go some not-so-ethical direction. Now I am really more careful with any married man, even if it’s all just friendly etc..

“Your apology to him *is* to stay away.” Damn… I’ve been doing it all wrong.

This is so enlightening Anna and so well explained. I have CPTSD and have had crushes on inappropriate people throughout my life, even during my marriage, which must have been awful for my long-suffering husband. I am aware of it and controlling this tendency these days ... I see it coming. But to hear you discuss this rationally is enormously helpful,

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad. It's a horrible waste of life energy, and the love that IS around is.

@tiepolo100

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy I couldn't agree more!

@aruvielevenstar3944

3 жыл бұрын

I recognize this so much. Fighting against it

@Azuredblu

Жыл бұрын

I relate to this completely, even in marriage I have been obsessing over other men and justify some or the other way to have a relationship, I convince myself that it would be just friendship.Despite seeing this video, I am now thinking how I will request this almost stranger to meet me, where I will explain my feelings and also this reasoning behind my behaviour, hoping to be friends with him, of course.somebody should stop me.

This is such an eye opener for office romance . Real apology is to stay silent / away. Wonderful.

Thank you, I've been in three long term relationships that have all ended rather badly. Two have put me in hospital. I know that my early trauma has contributed to this, but I also now know that I attracted sharks who really hurt me often physically, because I was vulnerable to them and they took full advantage of this . I now know that rushing into relationships is never going to work. I am late middle aged and when and if I get into a relationship again it will be different. Your channel has helped me a lot , thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

So glad to hear you're on a path of healing!

@FaithfulandTrue949

3 жыл бұрын

I think we have to value ourselves (not in a narcissistic way) just try to speak kindly to ourselves, accept we are human and have the right to make mistakes, no shame in it. It's about getting back up and growing I'm trying and am NOT there yet in middle age, but at times I think "it must be me" that's wrong and over sensitive. Jesus said "love your neighbour AS YOURSELF" big revalation for me. I was not even on my list. One foot in front of the other 😊

@josephinetyree1476

3 жыл бұрын

@@FaithfulandTrue949 I NEVER have EVER thought of myself first....My life is at it's end....( age wise ) I'm trying to do things 'I like'' ...even lol being alone...I feel I must 'continue' to 'help' those less fortunate OR just because.

@FaithfulandTrue949

3 жыл бұрын

@@josephinetyree1476 good for you that you are beginning to find who you were created to be with inherent worth and value, your own likes or talents. I still help others above and beyond, but it's now 2 strikes and they are out with abuse! Having 'me' on my list looks like my fave takeaway on my birthday - not too extravagant 😊 I'm no longer a doormat as that's a despicable example to my children. For those takers who abuse, distract and monopolise your time there's 10 authentic people in need who genuinely want to be helped. Don't pour into the abyss. God bless you 🙏

@josephinetyree1476

3 жыл бұрын

@@FaithfulandTrue949 Thank You for your encouraging words....I 'need' the positiveness of another to move forward, don't' we all ...?? Blessings.........

I'm 50 years old and my mother has NEVER been emotionally available for me. I was so lonely and unloved as a young girl and she still makes me feel lonely and unloved. I always gravitate towards and fall in love with emotionally unavailable men too. I'm so broken and damaged from mother that I have hate and disdain in my heart for her. She's in a nursing home now and I will never fly across country to visit her. When she dies there, may the god of our Universe have mercy on her wretched soul.💔

@robincrowflies

2 жыл бұрын

I hope you find peace in yourself. You have this, it is yours.

@evadebruijn

Жыл бұрын

It is so weird how reading your story makes me want to tell you to always remember how it says nothing about you, whether you are a good person, but when it comes to my own experiences of being the scapegoat/designated patient immediate doubt creeps in whether I was maybe a bad child. Rationally I know I was innocent and deserving of love support and protection, just like you were and any child is, but this core wound of being the bad one, the toxic shame, what a stubborn remnant to get rid of.

@Kendall42971

Жыл бұрын

@@evadebruijn She died during Christmas last year. I didn't shed a tear and I didn't go to her funeral.

Interesting comment about "ghosts"..... A few years back I was trying to examine this subject matter in songwriting and came up with a lyric line that this video reminded me of: "Cuddling corpses leaves you oh so cold"

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Nice imagery -Cara@TeamFairy

This information is staggeringly well explained. It's like you are clearing the mud of confusion out of my mind. It has been devestating going decades not knowing why I did strange things, just feeling guilty all the time. Thank you Anna

@andrealmoseley6575

3 жыл бұрын

It has been an answer to prayer for me...not understanding and needing answers and boom she shows up in my feed

I am in my 60s and the friends I made 30 years ago were met before any healing and now I have to get out of these friendships because I was always the doormat - by the way they are all either therapists or in therapy. I now have a much smaller circle of friends whom I met more recently and it all seems so easy - before there were always 'issues' I felt had to be addressed. If it is not 'easy' then it ain't good in my opinion. I have much lower expectations of myself and others now which obviously helps. One friend used not to pick me up from the boat from France to UK so I would stand in freezing rain at night while she went to bed. See how little I valued myself.....I stopped finally accepting unacceptable behaviour.

Fear, anger and grief... it hit the spot so painfully, I couldn't stop tears

Affairs are bread-crumbing emotions. Like a roller coaster that sooner or later you want to get off at the cost of time. Healing and really looking at your abandon issues and their source, will help you walk away from the wrong people.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Yes.

The first person who wrote in should also cut back on alcohol so she doesn't say or do more things that she regrets.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

I hear you.

@charwest9449

3 жыл бұрын

Good point. Especially if those were work functions.

@mpv9866

3 жыл бұрын

Also, no one should try to get in a relationship with a married person...or a coworker.

There are so many married men without rings who are actively engaged in predation. Heck, no. This doesn't stop them from lying and trying anyway.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

:)

Thank you so much for answering these letters & sharing your response. Your advice is always sound & thoughtful, but what strikes me most is that you are that caring, wise, understanding, person that most of us have never had in our life in any meaningful way. When you said "Oh honey that's hard" I FELT your empathy for this young woman. Thank you so much for that.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for saying something so kind. I really appreciate it.

@gardener5857

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You are worthy of much better praise. My words are wholly inadequate. You are a good force in this universe. Thank you for helping those young women. It warms my old cold heart lol.

So embarrassing when you share a crush secret with someone that uses that against you. I kept a crush to just fantasize about something to make my work day in a miserable tolerable. I told one of the cleaning ladies I had a crush on a supervisor and she so obviously told! Humiliating because I would never and have never been involved with a married man. I don't approach or flirt with him and it makes me sick that she told. I wanna put my head under a rock!

*shocked Pikachu face* realizing I'm in a relationship with someone who's unavailable as he's been through trauma too. Thank you

🙂 What in the world?! You have uploaded videos specifically relevant to each of my weeks for the past few months! Perfect timing and so anchoring. Bless you! I hope to be as helpful as you are, in my own way, one day.

Spot on advice. People have the ability to abandon their own self. Reclaim authenticity.

Majority of emotionally unavailable ppl are single. In today's world Narcissism and PTSD is the real pandemic and is impossible to have a real connected and fulfilling relationship with the so called humans. Most ppl are only a shell, a façade and an outer shell of human who is devoid of heart and soul. The same inhumane energy is running our organization, society and so called health care and families. That's why addictions are rampant, we are looking to check out of this soulless existence of automatons and robots who are covering their mouth and nose and restricting their breath to protect themselves from a virus.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

We find that the sane start is to heal ourselves. It is radically different than focusing on the problems of the world or with other personalities, and it is a way to get free from our own suffering without relying on someone else to change. -Cara@TeamFairy

I can't tell you how much I needed this, and how timely it was. Just this week and especially last night I was reviewing why I started getting so anxious while attempting to connect on a dating website (and with a few promising guys!) that I panicked and deleted it. The first section of this video hit the nail on the head SO hard as I looked back over the brushes with romance or pseudo-romance I've had. My takeaway has been, inevitably, that the other shoe always drops with these unattainable (for one reason or another) men. Cotton candy, indeed! Not only won't it give you what you need, but even if you get a bite, it's so unsubstantial that it evanesces in an instant. Thank you for this desperately needed insight!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

So glad my experience in this department can be helpful to you!

@michellesheerin7547

2 жыл бұрын

±2348073317460⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,

My relationship with my sister is impossible. My narc parents scapegoated me and modeled to my siblings that it's ok to disrespect me and disregard my feelings. They also taught me that my feelings don't matter. So I don't enjoy being around my sisters that much. My youngest sister is somewhat more understanding, but she's always been closer to the narc sister. I need to make peace with being estranged with my selfish sister. Therapists have advised me to try being more assertive, but the selfish sister reacts badly to my clumsy assertiveness. Clumsy because any assertive impulses were bullied out of me by my parents. Also like the letter you discussed, I have no hope of ever finding love in this life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

I don't think never finding love was in a letter. I hope you find self-determination around your healing.

@440SPN

3 жыл бұрын

Bonnie L. ☮️ If I may say so there is probably no hope of getting your sister to love you. After a lifetime of tolerating abuse from an extremely abusive sister I had to admit it was never going to happen.

@bonniel4325

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy That's true. I think what I heard in your advice was that healthy people spot us, and keep away. You're right, I am very stuck. I like your word self-determination. That's a good mantra. Blessings to you Anna.

@bonniel4325

3 жыл бұрын

@@440SPN Thanks Mini.

@mskatwilkins

3 жыл бұрын

My family scapegoated me, too, but when we were grown up and my brother was trying to save his marriage, he was calling me every day at least for help, advise, and moral support. Even after the divorce, when he was juggling work with trying to raise the 2 kids that stayed with him (the middle child fled to the other side of the world!) and dating, scared of "making another wrong choice", after he had sorted through all the women that he realized would NOT be the best choice, and settled on one that he believed would bet the best one, he no longer called me. I kind of missed him, but it was good to have the energy that I needed for dealing with my own life, as after that I was dealing with 2 sets of aging parents, a husband with a life-threatening genetic illness, and the fact that our child also had symptoms of the same illness. While I missed my brother, I needed the "breathing room", time and energy to nurture the real love that was available from my husband and his family, for which I am forever grateful!

This is one of the most profound videos I’ve watched since I started the long healing process in October. A little back history. I was sexually abused from my “real” dad from 5 or so until 9 or 10. I went through 2 years of court, child Psychologist, judges, lawyers while I was still made to go every other weekend to his house. I also have a mom who is very controlling and Manipulative and has been my whole life. I went no contact with her in November which has only escalated the control. She had my at 18 and a few years later married who I call my dad. (Great man) they had my brother, which we are 4 years apart. I have always been the scapegoat with her. I am 44 and she still talks to me anyway she feels, she has used love I believe as a form of control. I’ve been a divorced mom of 4 kids for 12 years now (we had 4 kids in 4 1/2 years) I have done it mainly all on my own. They are now 18,17,16 and 14. She is very critical of me in all Aspects of my life. She will go to friends of mine, boyfriends ex boyfriends and talk horribly about me. When she’s confronted she says I’m crazy she doesn’t do that. I was also raped at the age of 21 by a guy who followed me home when I left the bar. I find myself in toxic relationships, and I surround myself with Unavailable men.I end up being their support system, counselor and I would do anything for them and feel Taking advantage of over and over again, Which of course leads me to feel abandoned, not worthy, and traumatized all over again. I’m trying to figure out who I am right now so I can break this pattern of mentally and emotionally abusive relationships I’ve been in. But I do not trust my own instincts because I’m still doing it. I have no idea how to continue to move on. I struggle with daily functions as far as being able to concentrate, make healthy choices or even just simple Decisions. I feel I was almost healthier before I started to dig in to all of this. I honestly feel I’m going through a mental breakdown for the last year when I went through an extremely stressful time dealing with my mother and another break up. I don’t even know where to start or what to do to feel better.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Sometimes, when we become more clear about our behaviours (as a result of CPTSD) we are more upset. But it's only because we are facing things which are hard, we aren't creating new problems. I highly recommend trying this free course bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy

@thatswhatshesaid6326

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thank you!

The best thing that could have happened to me was my ex triggering that abandonment issue...I wish I had had the knowledge prior then the experience wouldn't have been so painful at the time cause I would have known what it was , but regardless , I traced it back to my Dad divorcing my mom.and abandoning me...once I traced it back I could heal it. My ex would use it as a manipulation tactic as he was a narcissist. He would leave after a fight and not tell me where he would go or when he would be back. When I had finally had enough I was able to turn the tables around on him. He gaslighted me into an argument on the way home from a restaurant. He got out of the car and I drove off to a friend's house he didn't know I was house sitting for because she was in the hospital. He didn't know where I went and when I would come back and I sat at her house on the couch and watched the little mermaid. When I returned home he had left and driven from texas to Mississippi to stay with a friend...he was a trucker. I was only a good relationship as long as he could control me. Once I served him up his same medicine he ran like a coward. I freed myself and I am independent healed loved by myself and happy 😊 and super proud for finding my voice and power ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

That's wonderful, GO YOU!!! 💜 -Cara@TeamFairy

@lovesings2us

2 жыл бұрын

Tanja Dermondy - What a great, inspiring story! You have amazing courage and the best kind of feistiness. Thank you for sharing!

I wish I had access to this information before. As a writer and a hopeless romantic, I used to think that love conquers all obstacles. Not in real life. Maybe being romantic is equal to being naive after all, at least in this world, where unconditional love, vulnerability, and an open heart could be considered a mental illness by most people, most of the time.

More on cab-lights PLEASE )

If we don’t try new things we will not know how special we are . Set goals that are thought through. Realistic achievable goals . Love yourself enough to know what is right for you period .❤❤❤ Namaste 🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this! -Calista@TeamFairy

In a kind of membrane...exactly how it feels!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Yep!

And here I am, going after guys who are still getting over their last traumatic relationships. I always stay away from married or taken men but what about men with emotional baggage? I thought I could go slowly and wait for them to eventually come around but it just deepens my abandonment wound. They are never actually with me emotionally…But I know better now! Any kind of unavailability will go to no-go zone

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing! -Calista@TeamFairy

I never felt so called out in my life.... damn

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

:)

10:02-10:10 oh my goodness so accurate, I feel so seen right now. I have never heard someone explain how abandonment feels so accurately.

@michellesheerin7547

2 жыл бұрын

±2348073317460⏯️⏯️⏯️⏯️ Hello it's works I can't believe am with my love again after so many years of break-up.,

Enchanted World of Twinflames needs this.

@robincrowflies

2 жыл бұрын

Amen.

I’m almost 35. I’ve been unable to get into a successful relationship with a woman. I’ve got a lot of CPTSD and I feel angry a lot. I’m tired of being single and lonely. Women never talk to me first and it’s hard to get anywhere in a relationship.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Glad you found us! Hope you find some healing solutions here! -Cara@Team Fairy

This video is soooo helpful I have experienced this all my life. Makes sense... unavailable ppl and magical thinking...me and me :/

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Yes. painful way to go through life.

I love kind people, and you are one of them!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Aw, thank you!

Wow! Can relate to the second one. Moved back in with a narcissistic parent during the pandemic. Trying to save to move out but the impact this is having on my mental health- plus all the past trauma that has been triggered- means I can’t work full time & my money is going on medications, therapy & healing. In a way this is forcing me to address a lot of issues & I have come to some big realisations about my relationship with my mother that I may not have had if I hadn’t been forced into this situation.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Try this practice bit.ly/3608opl -Cara@TeamFairy

@Countess777

3 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy thanks!

As I’ve been healing from my childhood trauma and thanks to your very enlightening video about friendships, I was lucky enough to befriend someone who actually wants to be close, and ... for some reason I’m not sure how to feel, it’s almost like my brain is trying to reject it as a knee jerk reaction, but I’ve always wanted a close friend like this, what is happening ? Why can’t I just enjoy it?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Start this practice now, today! bit.ly/3608opl It helped me so much! -Cara@TeamFairy

Oh, starving is absolutely the right word. Desperation would also work, I suppose, but it does feel like starvation.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I agree! -Cara@TeamFairy

Unavailable guys were my whole world before I got married! I never understood why until now. Thanks 😊🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Glad you're here!

Good advice to take relationships slowly, especially for young people with CPTSD.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

If they can do it, simple not easy :)

Wow, this is spot on. You are my crappy childhood good fairy. Thanks for all you have shared. You have no idea how deep my gratitude lies.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Wonderful! -Cara@TeamFairy

Just found your channel. This content is so needed! Thank you!!!

So thankful your videos began to appear on my phone. Where have you been all of my life? Where has this type of counseling been? The feelings you describe touch my very soul and it feels as if you are counseling me in a private session. Maybe there is some hope that I can overcome this condition that I have had my entire life, but didn't have the tools to repair it. You are providing the tool box. Thank you and God Bless You!💕

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

So glad it resonates, please check out the courses, particularly my free course on the Daily Practice. crappychildhoodfairy.com/ Welcome!

@j_u_ss_y

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly

@patribee5457

3 жыл бұрын

I feel the same

KZread suggest me this channel and here I am! :) I identify with almost you share in your videos. Although I've overcome many of my issues, through therapy, I still "fall in love" with unavailable men. I know I still have these kind of pattern... but now I stop, I recognise it, take a deep breath and move on. I've been in destructive behaviour many years ago and I know what is darkness! Now I am single and I have a wonderful life. I have really wonderful friends, I travel, I dance, i am really creative person. When I was a teenager I was the opposite. Anyway, I have to thank myself that I am really better and better. Well I am already 49 years old but I am alive recovering from an health issues. Do I want a love life now? If it is worth it I am ready... i think I've grown up... or no :D Thank you for this channel. Greetings from Portugal :)

Is there a crappy childhood Facebook group?

The second question was a hard one. Couldn't mum and daughter talk about their fears together and work something out. Eg. Outside only, at 2 meters.

I love listening to your voice. I hear the compassion.

This one shook me - you are damn good at what you do, Anna.

Thank you for your videos. Feels like you're talking directly to me, after 4 years of psychodynamic therapy and zero stable relationships there're still a lot to work on. Thank you

reading how many regret not having known of healing in their twenties i‘m really glad i‘m at it this young - though it probably just wasnt as easy for me to ignore as for other people as i‘m suffering from schizophrenia. but i think every time is the the right time to do yourself some good , +++ carl young once said life begins at forty, everything before is just study/practice 😄

I live for these little story times. Thank you Anna and thank you everyone who shows up here who is fighting the good fight to heal and connect to themselves and others in a healthy way.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the encouragement and for being here!

I've never had it put like this ever... Thank you Anna for opening the lead off of this ediction.. U're saving my life.

But you didn't touch on the fact that the mother in the second case even objected to the young lady TEXTING her boyfriend?

@sonyaross946

3 жыл бұрын

Agreed. Something missing in that response.

@l.t.v9154

2 жыл бұрын

I also noticed that the writer mentioned her mother “always sabotaging” her relationships, which sounds like this was an issue prior to the pandemic. Could be personal projection on my part, but multiple things make it seem to me like the mother is threatened/triggered by her daughter’s relationships with other people (“if you don’t care if I die on a ventilator” probably isn’t the first catastrophic way she’s phrased things). Just guessing here, but I hope she finds her own place to live or some roommates who are supportive while she does her own healing, without managing her mother’s as well.

Beyond all the childhood trauma and the isolation I find myself in today as a result of which im single and don't go out with friends much, I think the way in which human beings connect has to be reinvented.. we desperately need it otherwise we're driving ourselves towards a head on collision with disaster. Maybe becoming "normal" is not an option anymore

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

We've been quite innovative at Crappy Childhood Fairy, maybe explore our membership plan bit.ly/2rukHvh -Cara@TeamFairy

I can't believe you understand and vocalize that silent voice inside me so well. It's like you're watching a complicate, sometimes pathetic and certainly entangled movie about my life and making loving, compassionate and yet so pointed comments. Thank you...

Dear Anna, your explanations of cptsd issues are so accurate and relatable. Thanks to your helpful content I can finally start to heal. Thank you!!

I love your videos so much because you provide us with a model for what it's like after healing from these wounds and getting the CPTSD under control. If we can turn out to be as wise, kind, thoughtful, and balanced as you one day, then I think everything will be okay. Thank you so much for showing us what health looks like and what we are striving for. I hope everything is well for you. -Chloe

Anna....... you are such an amazing, warm, helpful lady...... you have helped me beyond measure.... thank you so much for everything.

My bf is already in the stage where hes been let down and so traumatized since he was a kid that he became this hopeless, angry, bitter, disrespectful and inconsiderate person due to all his trauma. He is still in denial that he has CPTSD and whenever I try to open his eyes and teach him to be a better person he says that Im trying to change him. I dont know how to help him anymore. I wish at least he could see that he has CPTSD. Hes been to so many therapists and taken so many pills but neither worked so he gave up.

@christamac5456

2 жыл бұрын

If he’s in denial still be careful. You could end up with your own PTSD. If you haven’t already, possibly time to rethink the relationship x

My best friend of 30 years has cptsd and admitted to me she has abandonment issues. I’m watching these to try to understand her. She recently pushed my away. I let the friendship go as I’m sick of her tantrums but it’s good to learn about this. I watched her destroy relationships for years. Then finally it was my turn.

@janethagen3385

3 жыл бұрын

Krista, I did this to my BFF, a 14 yr. close friendship. When she broke it off, I was floored. It was that point that I realized that I have major issues that needed to be identified and worked on. You did your friend a favor.

@kristabell5107

3 жыл бұрын

@@janethagen3385 so did you blame yourself. ? Is that what led to you seeking help? I took a look at myself too but I had no say in this - as she ghosted me. I didn’t do anything wrong or different- her circumstances changed and for whatever reason I was no longer required. I figure she did me the favor. Like what kind of friend does that ? Not one I want