I have a rule. Once it doesn't feel right or leaves you feeling unhappy more than once it just isn't for you. I don't like blurred lines or unconfirmed situations where I drive myself crazy trying to figure stuff out. People who care about you don't leave you hanging. I also refuse to do emotional labour esp for avoidant personalities

@growingandlearning164

2 жыл бұрын

Same here.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

@TheQueenIsWithin great rule! great boundaries! -Cara@TeamFairy

@Peaches4779

2 жыл бұрын

What about if you're already married? And your spouse is unreliable or keeps up a pattern of things that were expressed that you dislike? Hope this makes sense

@gins8781

2 жыл бұрын

Wow… I was just playing a song on my guitar while glancing through the comments. Yours caught my eye because one line of lyrics describes an emotionally unavailable man as, “…an expert at sorry; and keeping lines blurry. Never impressed by me acing your tests….” Kind of serendipitous. I am guilty of all the fawning behavior a traumatized child grows up to have in romantic relationships. Two unhealthy marriages worth. But I broke the cycle (I hope) and have been single for 13 years without dating. Thank God, because I am over 60 and have a life limiting illness. It’s time to focus on MY needs! Better late than never.

@yusahara

2 жыл бұрын

@@gins8781 you Fucking GO!!!!!! 💖💖💖💅🏾💅🏾💅🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾

"Be someone who doesn't fit AT ALL with bad treatment". That's gold.

@Joshualuv13

2 жыл бұрын

I completely agee

@PEACEinYESHUA-oj7vc1pk7w

4 ай бұрын

Love this ❤

@marijakovacevic5396

4 ай бұрын

This should be printed in school

Why settle for bread crumbs when there is cake to be had.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Hello!!! -Cara@TeamFairy

@ShinySilverBunny

2 жыл бұрын

Oh wow 👏 thank you

@ChrisTian-rm7zm

2 жыл бұрын

How will you know there is cake for you?

@raymondvaughn9723

2 жыл бұрын

Carrot is my fav

@kelseycoca

2 жыл бұрын

I love this 💞

When people ghost me, I simply read the room and fall back. Family, friends, and everyone else included lol. Self care and self love is key 🔑 I’ve spent too much time chasing people who couldn’t care less

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for being here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@donnebonne

2 жыл бұрын

Me too. Ive learned not to run after people to try to get them to love/accept me.

@e_b_

2 жыл бұрын

I've found myself starting to go the other way now though, which is not necessarily good. In other words, instead of chasing, I almost pull back preemptively. Has anyone found how to strike the balance?

@sarahcollier9535

2 жыл бұрын

@@e_b_ I think you're fine to do that - who has got time for chasing and games - not me :) i read it as "their loss" - give a chance, if not reciprocated - then out. i find it interesting when people decide to make an effort when they see you are friends with "someone who gives leverage" - not good enough eh :)

@isabellavalencia8026

2 жыл бұрын

I just turned 50 and have recently learned this to a level i never knew i could comprehend.

Love the phrase "don't fit yourself to crap ". It applies to any relationship, not just romantic relationships

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, and other things too! Clothes you don't really like, etc.

@terrijamison9154

2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy 🤭🤣♥️

@lydian.773

2 жыл бұрын

Jobs too!!!

@kimboeskeim397

2 жыл бұрын

👌🏻👌🏻🙌🏻

@etcwhatever

Жыл бұрын

​@@CrappyChildhoodFairy no more crapfitting 😂❤❤❤

“ when you wear rose colored glasses-all red flags look like flags..” When I read this- my jaw dropped

@trafficcontrol2420

2 жыл бұрын

Wanda-- Bojack Horseman.

@munchiekins

Жыл бұрын

@@trafficcontrol2420 Great great show

@leahweinberger583

Жыл бұрын

Add this to " Anna's comment of "Hope is our dope" and you can see just how easy it is for us to take a horribly wrong path, loaded with bombs and traps, as we skip along, blindfolds firmly in place.

the trauma child learns to make excuses for others bad behaviors. excuses for unloving behavior. excuses for unkind behavior. we impart good qualities on people who are not giving back to us. in this case, she wants this relationship to work, not because it is making her happy because it isn't. she is in fear. she is responding in the same way she did as a child, going out of her way to please even as her own emotional needs are NOT being met. she needs to let go of this person who is not even meeting her half way. she needs to learn to be happy with herself FIRST an only then will she be able to identify a true and loving relationship with another. I know because I was once just like her. and even now, i remain alone because that brings me happiness. I will date again, but only when I find someone who is worthy of my love.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Advanced stuff, way to go! -Cara@TeamFairy

@HeavenlyLights

2 жыл бұрын

Great clear post Liana. ThankYou for sharing. “Imparting good qualities on people who are not giving back”… crystal clear👊🏻🏆

@vivere__

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for laying this out. It resonates with me

@mariannapiptova1666

2 жыл бұрын

@Lena Carlsson well said, no more "crapfitting"

@ms.anonymousinformer242

2 жыл бұрын

It can also be a child so resentful toward people who mis treated him/her that as they grow older experiencing abuse after abuse they not only dont make excuses for others but develop an intense anger and hatred toward anyone in past and future who shows the slightest disrespect toward them. That is my experience but what not only stopped it but kept me out of prison and kept me from just outright hurting other adults who do mean things and treat me unjustly, was a cult. This cult also forced me to (inadvertently,by how my life ended up being structured) become disassociated with my feelings. As I seperated&broke off grom the cult and started listening more to my intuition, and then around the same time period a series of traumatic events happened to me. Thats when I developed triggers and dysregulation directly related to that series of traumatic events. Now my problem has been figuring out how to get s proper ptsd diagnosis (clinical on the books to use as evidence of being harmed by those people)without the ptsd being soley blamed on only my childhood. The people who caused the ptsd are people in "authority" who did me wrong illegaly but due to no $ for an attorney and not having rhe physical/emotional strength to face them and talk about it . Last 3yrs had no idea its called dysregulation,causing my suffer amnesia /inabilityto THINK so I CAN verbally/legaly defend myself. These people I can not get away from seeing, and they knock on our door sometimes. My ptsd from their treatment of me has me go into fight/flight (grab your shoes everyone incase we have to run !) Mode anytime the doorbell rings. All that adrenalin and (is it cortosol?) And stress hormones surging through mt body the last three-four years is what I think is a big factor in my adrenal and thyroid disfunctioning (I have al the symptoms right down to hair loss and wacky early menopause)and other health issues creaping up on me. Im afraid the stress on my body from living in a home ( yes this HOUSE is the biggest trigger but my husband refused to move or help me so I can not stay married to him) and around peope who trigger me because they have played a part in the 2017 traumatic events.

Even before this letter ended, I was screaming in my head, "This man does not want you. He just wants you to chase him to inflate his ego, and then drop you like a hot potato when he finds his wife!" I've been through this scenario. He doesn't want you.

@Mayllie

2 жыл бұрын

I’m sorry you’ve been through that. That’s totally possible that he isn’t interested at all, but it’s also possible that, even if he does want to be together, he feels turned off by all the clinginess. It may have been the case for you that they didn’t have good intentions, but it can be hurtful to put that negative experience onto someone else, when we really can only make our best guess. Again, sorry you went through that, I generally agree that those are red flags, but think we should be careful not to project too much of our own experiences

@socialdistancingon8333

2 жыл бұрын

You're right about that. My experience isn't going to be every other person's experience. A similar thing happened to my friend. She was chasing him and he was acting standoffish. She stopped chasing him and he asked her why she stopped. They were together for 18 years. I think C-PTSD affects memory recall at times. At least for some people. Or maybe it's the cognitive dissonance factor.

@nessauk2786

2 жыл бұрын

@@Elizabeth-yg2mg thanks for your honesty I'm in that place neither is good...I thought we'd both healed by no dam Stockholm love ...dam it.

@Harvester2222

2 жыл бұрын

Going through this very thing right now. He dropped me like a hot potatoe and replaced me with another woman at the drop of a hat

@socialdistancingon8333

2 жыл бұрын

@@Harvester2222 it never feels good. Your worth is not determined by another person when they refuse to see your value.

Best thing I ever did.... Was to date myself. Single, celibate & loving it. Only regret I have is not doing it sooner.

@tanukiZoot

2 жыл бұрын

Same haha.

@SBecktacular

2 жыл бұрын

Yep! 👍 Not saying I wouldn’t if the right person appeared- but I’m not lookin! 😃 I love my peaceful life 😌 Enjoy!🥰

@mariajmc6557

2 жыл бұрын

Smart and savvy

@AnnAndNala

2 жыл бұрын

Totally. I absolutely love living independently single. It's peaceful, free and fun! I love being able to do what I want, when I want, wherever I want, etc. There's so much on this beautiful planet to see, create, and discover instead of always focusing on landing the next relationship. When people suddenly become single, I think to myself, "Relax, and welcome to Nirvana." 🕊 Cheers to self-love. 🥂😊💕

@themousethatroared3371

2 жыл бұрын

Amen to that! Not interested in having a relationship. At my age (63) I find that men are looking for a cook/ housekeeper/nurse... that's not how I want to spend the rest of my life. No thanks!

I love how you broke this down. Everyone needs a friend like you in their life. No sugar coating. This can save lives💜

@spiralsun1

2 жыл бұрын

Well said.

@amyb7823

2 жыл бұрын

Right, said in a very kind way but definitely told them the truth.

@sandikurchak2754

2 жыл бұрын

💜

@kated9853

2 жыл бұрын

Genius comment.

@jenrutherford6690

2 жыл бұрын

If only women put all this energy into friendships.

wow - never heard this before - my denial saved me as a child and has now ruined me as an adult - yes, red flags everywhere and i just kept walking into the fire. so glad i found you - literally saving my life as i've been contemplating checking out. thank you -

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you caught this one! -Cara@TeamFairy

@samme1024

2 жыл бұрын

Me too! I'm glad I'm not the only one. I'm working through the emotions of being in denial all these years, which has just lead to more and more folly. Thank God I am awake now.

@rogerramjet6429

2 жыл бұрын

Kat M - I was thinking that way since before I was 10. Now at 52, I'm still thinking about it around 3 times a week. I've just come to accept it's a part of my personality, and that it will blow over each time. Used to bother me quite a lot, till I changed the way I view the thought when it happens.

@FaithfulandTrue949

2 жыл бұрын

The devil whispers lies into our mind, resist him, he's not the boss of you - hear the Truth. You are an incredible, unique, original! There is no one quite like you. You have inherent worth and value whether walking THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death (keep walking, don't linger) or whether you're on the mountain top. Every chapter, every season has a time limit. Get through the day an hour at a time and SURELY a new chapter, a new season, a new day will dawn. Keep busy when able to expend some energy... There is always some hope to be found. You are loved 💞🙏

@Chiclette-ld1xx

2 жыл бұрын

@@FaithfulandTrue949 Very well said!

Someone ghosting you and not calling you doesn't get to hang out with you. Well said CCF!

One ghosting incident would have been enough for me. If someone ain't ready just let em go and find someone who is.....

@videofan1010

2 жыл бұрын

Right? He'd be done out the gate, lol. There is no coming back.

@starboy2013

2 жыл бұрын

100% They ghost they ghost. It is binary. They only come back for supply....because they run out.

@Allahisadicksuckingmosquito

2 жыл бұрын

@Paul Gauthier I agree.

@sajalmishra2872

2 жыл бұрын

@@Allahisadicksuckingmosquito what if the person commits to you but still is avoidant towards, does not gives you importance like picking up the calls, ignoring the calls, warm speaking behavior, comforting during moments of sadness and anger due to any so called reasons? What does it means? Because he has committed so it confuses me. The man keeps saying that he has been this way whole life and I must patiently learn to accept it

@suza3883

2 жыл бұрын

@@sajalmishra2872 He is correct: He HAS been that way his whole life…and will be for the rest of it, as well. He is “Committed” to convincing you that it is Your Job to make all of the accommodations. That is all. It will never be enough.

He ghosted you twice- That's a HUGE RED FLAG. Let him come to you only. Someone that really loves you and wants to be with you, will not do that to you. You are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. He has to want to change and to seek out counseling himself. The best thing you can do here is to let him go. This relationship will do nothing but hurt you. Over and over again. He's not ready and may never be ready. With men like this, quite often if they met the woman of their dreams tomorrow they would be ready. I am sorry to say that, but that's how men work. If they really love you and want you, you don't have to chase them. They will chase you. You have to respect and love yourself enough to walk away from someone that is less than you deserve. You deserve someone that recognizes how great you are, not someone you have to chase after.

@christysdeals4u

2 жыл бұрын

well said

@kati1017

2 жыл бұрын

Absolutely! The biggest and hardest thing to learn is to be YOUR OWN best friend!

@utubestalker.dotcom

2 жыл бұрын

There's actually a lot of people in the Gen Z and Millennial era that ghost. It's become a new normal for men and women to experience this from each other. The easiest way to see the red flags is to always keep in mind that love comes easy.. and when it is always hard and difficult, then that is not real love. Any signs of blockage like being ghosted is not a bad thing.. but actually a blessing in disguise. Someone who is emotionally not available for you and if something happened between the two of you, more than what it is or was, it may have been even more disastrous for you if it actually played out. So no worries, because we get a chance to take back our power, and change our perspectives, and make a better future outcome for ourselves. They on the other hand won't have the higher ground, but this right now is not about them, it's about you and your self care

@kiraalialeeonfairythegreenone

2 жыл бұрын

@@utubestalker.dotcom . Codependency is very difficult to overcome. There are countless runner/chaser relationships where the pattern of behaviour is an addiction for the chaser...and not love...and letting go of the emotionally unavailable partner(the runner) and learning what genuine love feels like and looks like is extremely difficult and fraught with the fear of loss of love and rejection...but with the right support... it's possible and healthy to do so.

@Dizzy.Brunette

2 жыл бұрын

I agree with everything @andreaanonymous said apart from if a guy meets the woman of his dreams, he'll change. My ex told me that even if his perfect woman was in front of him, he'd soon get bored of her because that's how all of his relationships ended up. I think emotionally unavailable men are never happy with anyone long term despite them having high hopes at the start of the relationship when it's fresh and they're doing the chasing.

I once went to a singles night, met a man, we swapped numbers. After that he would try and get me to go to him, i told him i was unemployed and couldn't afford the train fare (he was working) he made no effort to come to me. I backed off and a few months later out of the blue he wanted me again to go to him after he finished his work late at night, my reply was that i was in a relationship with a man who made the effort to come to see me. This man was so angry and was shouting on the phone etc and then he calmed down and said good luck. A lucky escape i had and let me tell you, i didn't have a relationship but wanted to tell him in a subtle way his mistakes

@astrialindah2773

2 жыл бұрын

Very wise of you! You dodged a bullet;-)

@muttlee9195

2 жыл бұрын

Well done

@TheQueenIsWithin

2 жыл бұрын

Good job. You have to test them and give them a squeeze to see their true colours come out. That's why you show up a bit late for dates and see how they react.

@astrialindah2773

2 жыл бұрын

@@TheQueenIsWithin showing up late for a date, only shows your character... why would you even do that? To test them? Crazy.

@NonyaSmith

2 жыл бұрын

@@astrialindah2773 Seriously. Childish mind games. Act like an adult, which includes being on time. Part of the basics of life. Sigh

I've crap fit all my life! Raised by my father who sexually, physically and emotionally abused me. No mother on the scene and no siblings. Went into care at 13 after 10 years of abuse. Confidence and self esteem destroyed. Never married or had children. Just come out of a relationship with a covert narcissist. Been stalked and harassment and threatened. Had a devastating effect on me. Doubt I will trust anyone again. Told me he loved me. Wanted to marry me. I was his soul mate. Met my friends. All lies. It was about money. Devastating experience.

I think men - even damaged ones - will generally stick around you if they're in to you. Backing right away is the only diagnostic tool you need.

@gabby7882

2 жыл бұрын

I like your "diagnostic tool." That was pretty clever

@happylindsay4475

2 жыл бұрын

🎯

@rogerramjet6429

2 жыл бұрын

So if men like to know that someone is interested, that method WILL fail, if both people use it as the tool as described. Both parties will be destined to be alone, and women need to be more honest and forthright, with what they expect. Instead of punishing men for not being mind readers, but in my experience, women can't help playing stupid games, then complaining, that he didn't do what they wanted him to do. Whatever happens, women always think the male is deficient, instead of looking in the mirror, and claiming their part in the mess.

@thezanarose

2 жыл бұрын

Yep even damaged and unhealed ones can chase a woman.

@jennytaylor3324

2 жыл бұрын

@@thezanarose Very good point!😐

"Crap fitting." I'm adding this term to my vocabulary.

@kati1017

2 жыл бұрын

I love that term! Exactly what it is and what I don't want to do ever!

@godzillamanstreb524

2 жыл бұрын

I’ve done so many times with guys & female friendships

On one of our first dates, my husband gave me the silent treatment for ordering a glass of Chianti - a normal thing that I’ve done with Italian meals my entire adult life - and I not only allowed him to do that, but I APOLOGIZED TO HIM. And I think back to that pivotal moment with regret for the rest of my life. It set me up as a person who allows myself to be treated strangely, because of my past trauma. At the time it would not have occurred to do anything but apologize because I was so worried about losing him, so desperate I was to not be alone. But a normal person would have encountered that behavior and said “This is not an acceptable way to be treated.” And simply not put up with it 20 years later and things haven’t magically gotten better. Let’s just say that. And now I have to figure out how to get my life back.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you are here on the channel! -Cara@TeamFairy

@babycakes8434

Жыл бұрын

You are not alone. Many desperate and codependent people went that route. Once you are out, you are much happier, at peace. Mostly because you regain your freedom, freedom to be yourself. And what you were desperately longing for is now something that turned out to be something that you despise. I don't take it as time wasted, rather as a life lesson. I am thankfull that I am out, and free, and solo❤

At this point, if a person ghosts me, it’s a huge red flag and I walk away and go no contact period.

@bbcat8824

2 жыл бұрын

I wish I would have done exactly that in my last “go around.” I’m tired and healing by just hanging by myself and enjoying life on my own.

If he is emotionally unavailable, doesn't want to define the relationship that's the only smart thing to back off and take the power to yourself. what do you do and how you feel...

"Allow people to fade away" is a gem of wisdom. "Give them the dignity of choice."

Feels like this relationship is meant to bring awareness of where to heal

@OneWhoKnowz

2 жыл бұрын

Indeed

@ElanaVital83

2 жыл бұрын

You're psychic I think. Yes, I'm serious.

@echase416

2 жыл бұрын

👍👍👍👍👍

"Going into denial about something that saved you as a child is a protective mechanism." Yes.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for being here! -Cara@TeamFairy

I've been hurt so many times I don't even bother with romantic relationships anymore ...

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@sunnygirl9691

2 жыл бұрын

Well, the assumption you've made is that romantic relationship = bad relationship or unsuccessful relationship. Is this always true?

A man who truly loves you would not put himself in the position to lose you.

I just broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. He was really flaky and breadcrumbing me this whole time. His excuse was that he was under a lot of stress from his divorce. So I put up with it way longer than I should have. A good question to ask yourself would be "Would I do this to my partner? Would I treat them this way?" If the answer is no, you should leave the relationship. He showed a repeated pattern of behavior of just ignoring me. It was very hurtful and I even told him but he constantly was using the stress excuse. After a while I realized that I was just not an anyway a priority for him at all. I was just a booty call. The sex was terrible and one sided too. I was also neglected and abused in my childhood.

@nessauk2786

2 жыл бұрын

I've been though the same bar the ex divorse excuse...he didn't give me a excuse or a reason so I ended it...

@alchemistjess1728

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah I just got out of a situation shit and finally blocked him a few months ago, I still think about him everyday but those thoughts just make me realize how shitty of a person he really was and come to think of it I never really liked him, I was just lonely like usual and lack boundaries

@Aashka_The_Mystic

2 жыл бұрын

@@alchemistjess1728 good for you, after I stopped talking to him for a while I became angry after I realized how he treated me. I can't believe i put up with it, honestly.

@danieletalbot9632

2 жыл бұрын

Never date someone who is recently separated or not divorced yet as all they want is someone to rebound and ease off their pain.

@Aashka_The_Mystic

2 жыл бұрын

@@danieletalbot9632 yep, learned that the hard way

This is so very true. My stomach was screaming RUN! But I was so desperate for love and to be attached to someone (18 years single), that I ran headlong into the wrong relationship and ultimately a failed marriage. Your insight and wisdom is invaluable. Thankyou

Reality check: there is no 'I finally met a really good guy'. First red flag 🚩Everyone has crap somewhere. Meet a halfway decent guy, someone you are not head over heels for. If that one makes a continuous effort and you can be relaxed and feel understood in their presence, to a point where you forget that they are accompanying you (in a good way) then you are off for a good start. A good start to continously get to know them. Never finish your picture of a person, and enjoy painting in the process. ENJOY IT ❤

My entire life makes so much sense now, now that I'm learning about CPTSD. What a relief. Limerance, CPTSD - knowing this about my mind puts the power back on my life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I relate to feeling like it's a missing piece of a puzzle :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@MsKaylanude

Жыл бұрын

Same here !

I am a dismissive avoidant. As a DA I have to say that if this guy truly is a DA, you trying to "help" is exactly what scares him. DAs do not want the kind of relationship where they are being helped. Even if they are aware of the fact that they are traumatized they have too much pride to accept a partner trying to help them with that. DA can only heal if they do the work themselves. Even the therapist can often do nothing as DAs do not accept help. They only come for advice. So unless this person is actively trying to heal, this relationship is doomed.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

@anne-louisegoldie

2 жыл бұрын

Avoidants are also traumatised and get trauma bonded. It's a sad situation and both sides get hurt by it 🤗xx

A key indicator is that they want to defend you but also hold you accountable when need be. That is a really good sign.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Nicely said! -Cara@TeamFairy

@bunille

2 жыл бұрын

Could you give an example to clarify what you mean please?

@bunille

2 жыл бұрын

@Earthangel Not meant to be what? I'm not asking you. I know an example of this being said for each side, which is why I want clarification. Like, someone who isn't bad would love and protect you, but also tell you off for doing something obviously bad. And a person who is bad would not defend you out of love, but out of control, and would insult you for being so helpless, and insults you about things that happened over 5 years ago that you've never done since.

@ElanaVital83

2 жыл бұрын

@@bunille I have and example! My husband is the one who told me it's OK to admit I'm bisexual. He loves me, every part, and he wanted me to come to terms with myself.

In 2016, I realized I was incapable of having a healthy relationship. I didn't know why or what it was, within me, that was repeating the same story, but finally at 44 years old, I saw the patterns. I knew I was the common denominator. I decided to go solo while I figured it out. That was hard. Other than brief forays into the single world, I had been in partnerships since I was a teenager. I had no idea who I was outside of relationships. I went on to learn about childhood trauma. I began to understand that the childhood I had considered to be "not that bad" was fraught with dysfunction, chaos, and neglect. Honestly, I'm thankful that my last partner was as toxic and unhealthy as he was. I'm thankful that I was as head over heels trauma bonded as I was. It took that level of pain for me to recognize something was wrong and to decide that I never wanted to feel that way again. Thank you for your videos. They're part of a growing repertoire of healing references in my library of recovery. What am I recovering? My authentic and true Self. There is a wave of healing that is gracing our world. It's undeniably Divine in nature. This path isn't easy, but there are many of us traversing it. Your voice and message are signposts, pointing the way, lampposts shining light in the dark. You're a blessing. Thank you ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

thank you for the encouraging story! -Cara@TeamFairy

@ms.anonymousinformer242

2 жыл бұрын

I'm learning all this too now at 44 but it is nearly impossible to leave my partner now. Divorce is something we can't afford.

@beatrixbrennan1545

2 жыл бұрын

Beautifully written. And I agree, even in the midst of this chaotic world, there is a great deal of healing transpiring.

@re_searcheress

4 ай бұрын

You have penned it so very well. Indeed it is one promising journey that begins with the recognition of 'self' as the common denominator.

OMG this is gold. I wish someone said this to me years ago

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Me too! -Cara@TeamFairy

@aafreenmoinuddin2197

2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Thank you

@kated9853

2 жыл бұрын

Same here, but I know "now" must be the perfect moment.

Ghosting: huge red flag 🚩 We can be attracted to people who don't want us. We try harder. We THINK it's love because of what we experienced in our FOO. Great breakdown CCF!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks!

@gracie99999

2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy hello, if you don’t mind asking, what do you think about The Human Givens Institute based out of U.k and also their Rewind Technique for fast trauma treatment.

@aaloha2902

2 жыл бұрын

@octagon9 My personal experience with hypnosis & fast healing techniques is that they are a great help reducing anxiety & triggers, but with cptsd you need more insights & skills to fully heal. Simplified: you learned to adapt to unhealed and/or addicted parents instead of learning skills for healthy relationships (work, friendships & romantic relationships). I do use (self)hypnosis to strengthen the conscious learning proces with the great insights I get from listening to this channel. It shows me blind spots in behavioral patterns that caused me to repeat bad experiences. Trauma Collapse Technique (a fast trauma hypnosis technique) reduced triggers but not behavioral mistakes. Hope this answer helps you get more clarity. Take care, Angi 🙏🏼🌺

I think you are the smartest, most clear-headed, gentle yet direct voice I have heard in a very long time. I’m glad I found you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

What a kind thing to say. Thank you.

Your videos have been instrumental part of my healing. Good things are happening for me now. I have been running into this girl almost 4 days each week on my morning walks by lakeside! I have decided tomorrow, God willing, I will strike a conversation. My Trauma from past relationships has made me a hermit and someone afraid of getting hurt again. I hope this time, it is smooth. As people with Childhood PTSD, all we want is to give love and receive it back genuinely.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Let us know how it goes! And if doesn't go how you hope, it isn't a sign to climb into a hole :) I-Cara@TeamFairy

@sidlife365

2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy will do! Thank you.

@OneWhoKnowz

2 жыл бұрын

Indeed

@malikastone

2 жыл бұрын

@@sidlife365 How did it go?

@michellegriff13

2 жыл бұрын

Darn it you made me tear up with your last sentence 😢 It's so true!

I think this is the most valuable video you have produced yet. Sometimes it is difficult to see how hard we are working in a relationship until it becomes unbearable and is ended. An ambivalent man might shy away if you too eagerly put yourself “out there”. But you leave yourself vulnerable to a calculating and self serving man who might snatch you up as easy prey. As an adult, I always knew that my childhood trauma was affecting my approach to relationships, but unfortunately I assumed that I was overreacting to red flags because I was “jaded”. I married a man who was a “golden boy” among our mutual friends. They consistently shot down concerns I voiced. They are sincere and devout Christians who grew up in loving and stable homes. I trusted that they were in a better place than me, emotionally speaking, so I doubted myself and my judgment. It turns out that every bad vibe I got was well founded. Never ignore your gut feelings, no matter how feebly they whisper .

@faithevolution552

2 жыл бұрын

Me too. I went through lots of pain because I ignored my gut as the red flags popped up slowly but surely. I blame myself for closing my eyes...and when the pain arises, I take all of the blame for fooling myself and betraying myself.

Every person neglected as a child there are very red flags When I married a so called "Christian" he was a narcissist and I did not know this The elders in the Christian church encouraged me to marry this person. Not a good bond at all Not helpful at all. Wiser better informed elders in Christianity needs to happen Most of them are truly ignorant and naive about relationships psychology and emotional intelligence and intelligence.

@growingandlearning164

2 жыл бұрын

So true Helen,personal experience also.

@ElanaVital83

2 жыл бұрын

Ugh I'm so sorry you got pressured into that. They tried that with me, too.

@goodenoughgirl8102

2 жыл бұрын

I totally agree. I had to stop esteeming their opinions so much myself. I was really bad about that for a long time. I guess I’m better with it now, but not 100% yet, esp with anyone who seems positionally “higher up” than I am. We know best. It’s just that many of us were groomed to believe we never do know best and that someone else always knows better than we do and that we always should defer to someone else who is “wiser.” Ugh tho. Some of those ignorant butts def just need to go home. They don’t know crap about crap.

"Allow him to fade away"...great advice overall...thank you

"That's not a cape he's wearing, it's a giant red flag."

I like the idea of setting a silent time limit. But Penelopes' relationship is way past the time limit that I would set for myself. After one year of committed dating - if there is still stand-offish behaviour and he doesn't want to define it - he's just not really into her. Ambivalence is normal in the early stages, but if it's still there after 3-6 months, I doubt it will ever go away. If you don't feel too sure about your job, car, apartment, friends, pet after having them for one year.. you probably won't have a sudden epiphany and become totally happy and secure with them. So I wouldn't ask Penelope to be any more patient with this man, but to just cut her losses.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate you commenting :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@joanofarc1470

2 жыл бұрын

I agree, men know and if it’s 1,2,3 years most Likely not going to happen and if it does most likely not going or last. It’s more like well, we have been together for 2 /3 years I guess it’s time to marry. Not a year in and he’s like yep this is the one. Let’s seal the deal.

@SvetlanaFerrari

2 жыл бұрын

@@joanofarc1470 agree, however, some narcs rush into things and get married fast (fast marriage isn’t always bad or disastrous, but could be a warning sign). That’s why people still should be careful and read red flags.

@silverlinings3946

2 жыл бұрын

I was riding in a cab one day, a long cab journey, and I talked with a driver. At some point he said that he finally proposed. After 5 years of dating. I asked why now. He said he needed this time to be certain that they were compatible. She didn't pressed him into marriage. And he would probably bailed if she did. I think healthy people do wait longer, because they want to be responsible, and they know that decision to marry in the limerence stage can be a wrong one. It's sort of stuck with me. I don't trust men who "know" in months that they want to marry.

All my life I thought it was only me, then I found this channel and have been floored by the reality and truth being presented. I am not alone! And I can heal! Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Welcome to the channel! You're definitely not alone. - Ashley, Team Fairy

So beautifully articulated! I wish I'd been able to see when I was younger how my suffering over men was related to my childhood experience of being emotionally abused. Because part of the abuse dynamic was that I was required to not be aware that I was being abused.

@stephaniegustafson1295

2 жыл бұрын

Omg yes. Same. Could have saved myself from so much pain & more trauma if i these videos had been around to teach me back then.... & I'd been open to learning from them

@iLoveTheBamx

2 жыл бұрын

Boom. Hit the nail on the head. Not knowing if what happened to you was your fault or normal makes it so confusing if it was abuse or not

@noprosthesisforyoursoul

2 жыл бұрын

That’s a wonderfully astute observation. Thanks for sharing that. That feels like an important focal point of my contemplation at the moment so that was validating.

@janiepoos79

2 жыл бұрын

Sameeeee

Awww man. I'm fairly new to CPTSD. Well, no, I've had it forever just never knew until recently that's what was going on. My last real relationship was SO many years ago & I remember trying to find humour when it ended ( my soul saving coping mechanism ) . Someone asked me how I could have missed all those red flags & I said " I didn't miss any red flags, I just thought they were all celebration banners so I stayed at the party"... red flags are all I have ever known. And yes, your videos have saved lives ♥ Good vibes to you all

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

So glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@deborahcaron8841

2 жыл бұрын

That’s a good one. I always made excuses for the Reds and took it upon myself. If only I could be more of who they could really love….exactly the child I was ;((

I had a ton of "red flags" before I married my husband (now divorced). You've described me to a "T". Married for 16 years. It was a total huge crap fit. One thing I would say to Penelope, is, you're worth so much more. I've been divorced over 20 years. I got away from him. It was hard, felt like I failed. I moved away, and have not dated, I've needed space, a lot of it, to learn about me, without the distraction of someone else. Thank you Fairy, for this video. Such validation for me on this Friday.

@mmommo-hx4dx

2 жыл бұрын

I divorced after 35 years of him nonstop cheating. We had 3 children and I refused to let them take the fall for my choices, so I stayed. My mom died when I was 9. I'm free now. Love it.

I told a friend of mine that was heart broken over a guy leaving her and said that they would be “friends” that that just means “We won’t slash each other’s tires or stalk each other.” It’s also to the dumped person’s advantage when they leave first that they won’t be stalking you. Cry, catch up on books and tv shows and be good to yourself.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for being here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@flagal519

2 жыл бұрын

And hey, find another guy to go out with ! It helps a lot to forget a guy, by dating another one !

@winebox

2 жыл бұрын

@@flagal519 I think it’s better to just work on yourself and hang out with friends. Having endless romantic entanglements is not everything it’s cracked up to be.

@rose4490

2 жыл бұрын

@@winebox endless romantic entanglements can lead to love, and sex addiction, and Lord knows that ain't no fun.

@elysia_sky1525

2 жыл бұрын

Hell, I can't even LOOK at another man when I'm wrapped up in someone. It makes me feel sick.

CPTSD has given me a red flag detector, possibly too much. I have trust issues. Not in the sense that I believe the guy will cheat, but in the sense they may physically hurt me.

@johannas.l.brushane2518

2 жыл бұрын

Something similar here. I probably seem as an avoidant personality, and maybe I am to some degree though the motivation typically is not ghosting somebody else but rather myself. I grew up with a bipolar mom who had severe depression and a father who was kind of actively involved with us kids, which was somewhat unusual for that time. He adored my mom and was very attentive to give her space and in that he could be ruthlessly violent towards us kids with a temper flaring up in instant. He never beat mom as far as I know, not directly (but she much later on told she at times thought she was in a horror movie and she was terrified when he chased after me while I screamed in in panic trying to escape his whipping belt). And he thought he rationalized that he was doing it to give peace and quiet to her so inderect he blamed her for him whipping us. My former boss gave me a book for christmaspresent once that was called "Bonsaicat" about a couple of parents who ended up abusing their kids for purpose of good intentions. The title was for that charachteristic of cats almost having a liquidized form of enable them to fit themselves within about any space, like small boxes. It may also a allure to a hoaxsite in the beginning of 2000 where a bunch of students claimed they bred cats in jars to form them into any possible desired shape.

Wow, holy lightbulb Batman!! “Don’t fit yourself to crap” !!! Why did I not hear this 30 years ago!! You are brilliantly honest and direct in your advice, I love it, thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Cara@TeamFairy

PTSD and conditioning is a really bummer. When one is raised in horrible circumstances it’s a constant battle from adolescents to old age. What’s comfortable is what’s familiar and everything else feels strange. It’s sad.

@andreaberryman5354

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah. It blows so I've ended up alone. I PPTSD-prolonged trauma. I'm painfully sweet and kind. I have gotten nothing but exploited, so I am alone.

@karenmcardle142

2 жыл бұрын

Hi , I was married 30 years to a beautiful man , sadly cancer came and took him . It will be 12 years this January, I have tried with a couple of others but I seem to attract broken people, which at first I thought it's ok I will fix them 🤯🤷‍♀️ idiot that I am lol . So now no boyfriend,s just troubled men . Since watching CCF . I have decided I don't want someone else. It took me years to try understand Me , never mind some Clingon . Blessings

@dianac2498

2 жыл бұрын

@@andreaberryman5354 Same here. Always have made bad choices and now I’m older so I’m a cautionary tale like many:-(.

@dianac2498

2 жыл бұрын

@@karenmcardle142 You put it well with attracting broken people. That is what it is. That’s all I’ve ever done. I have been alone a long time and I feel sad at times since having another to share my life with would be nice. But I didn’t have a successful marriage so didn’t get any of that. I feel I have so much love to give yet never get it right. Longest relationship was 4 years. It’s been a ridiculously hard life. I am so so happy you had that and are comfortable with you. I will say I don’t mind being alone but I wish I would have learned a long time ago to accept love.

@karenmcardle142

2 жыл бұрын

@@dianac2498 Took me years to understand, I don't mind fixing people , if they want the help. Now though I prefer to b alone with my furbaby. Am still learning who I am ( a work in progress lol ), forever more no doubt . I really do prefer being myself nowadays . I keep my circle very small , the less people, the less drama ,. I am really grateful I got love from my husband and for the time we did have , I know now he would of been diagnosed with Cptsd. If he would of sat 5 mins to talk lol . Life is hard for some , and then others just seem to breeze on through it . My furbaby is my reason I tell myself to get better . About a year after my husband passed, I took our youngest for therapy , and after the first session, every time going back , he would be sick , he was only 6 at the time of therapy , I didn't know if I was doing right ,my common sense was saying to me if a child is sick and ill how he is just going to talk about his dad , whats the good in that . He finished the full therapy sessions. But still doesn't talk about his dad . My worries are always for my kids first . Blessings ❣💐🌺

Penelope is the SAVIOR of the Karpman drama triangle and he is shifting between the aggressor and victim. Exactly as Fairy said!! Pulling out from the role of saving will destroy the drama triangle! Check out that triangle. Dr Karpman got a major award for that triangle:-). I love ❤️ our fairy 🧚‍♀️ back!!!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@marybarone9696

2 жыл бұрын

Right, the letter writer "victim" is also using manipulation to try to keep it going.

Penny he won’t change, and might not even be a Christian. This is God protecting you, run!!!

@mikewallis2987

2 жыл бұрын

My mom married a "christian guy" after dating only 2 months...turns out he's a convicted ped and it was his own kidz. Nice huh?

@joyalways1179

2 жыл бұрын

@@mikewallis2987A wolf in sheep's clothing. There are millions of them.

i love what you said about your birthday being one of the indicators. i always use my birthday as a barometer to measure how things are going with a new person. if his birthday comes first, i keep things really simple and can usually gauge by how i’m included on his day. this prevents me from over-giving and going all out for the wrong person. 😬

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Love that!

Came out of a pathological business partnership with immense losses. Learning to judge behavior alone.Talk is cheap and often misleading. Your wisdom is invaluable! 🙏

@meredithheath5272

2 жыл бұрын

👍💗💗

@americasariesson1862

2 жыл бұрын

Yup I just left an account that was a sick scenario - the GM is called the lie-en-ator behind his back ...I gave it all I had for 6 mos til I realized it was a mirror to my old relationship patterns. And I calmly walked away ✌️

@leahweinberger583

2 жыл бұрын

Yup, and in these situations the feeling of "confusion" is your clue to run. Good luck, it's a harsh recovery.

4:32 part of me felt like I was just being bitter when I immediately thought "yep she's in a trauma bond", but the Crappy Childhood Fairy showed me yet again that my red flag detector is finally working now 😂

You are a very important and valuable person to many people. How many of us still struggle with life instead of enjoying it? Thank you

@Zen-cx5tc

Жыл бұрын

Me I’m struggling 😩

He sounds like a distraction from feeling the feelings of having gone through hell already. Find what feels better than these people and do more of that. Get crushes on things and places and activities and run in the direction of how you want to feel good feelings in life the more they do not depend on a romantic partner the more unflippable the good parts of your life will be.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks! -Cara@TeamFairy

@christinawahlmuller1142

2 жыл бұрын

Love this Lyndsey Golden!! Get crushes on things and places and activities... absolutely fantastic! Thanks for sharing! ♥️

Just what I have been going through . No holding hands, he ghosted but now we're friends on Facebook, no messages just sharing comics. I'm avoiding him. He's never called me on the phone. He's very introvert and never been married he's sixty. Christian we go to the Same church. I hear what you're saying. After ten months with the narc now an introvert. I get it now. He's always worked overseas and waiting for a job to open for him. I felt he liked me at first but didn't last very long. He's very awkward and runs off. He doesn't end conversation or any thank you. Many red flags he has deep issues. I'm going to watch this video over again.

@catherinewylie6959

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like what I've been going through with someone. Just no real social skills or emotional attunement when it comes down to it. I finally realized he was too self-absorbed. And then I realized that he's just plain rude. Done.

@lindawaxman570

2 жыл бұрын

Friends on Facebook he's not like the narcissistic from my past, my emotional feelings needed to come under control. I don't assume anything any longer. I learned another lesson. Everyone has their own challenges. I've also learned to not fantasize, I hadn't known that I was thinking in those terms. Fairy helped me realize that. Thank you 😊 fairy friend!

@lindawaxman570

2 жыл бұрын

@@keanureeves1112 very good but some days are very difficult. That's ok, to be expected. Being alive has the ups and downs. But still have my inner Joy and giggles.

@joyporter1188

2 жыл бұрын

Also consider that you could be dating someone on the autism spectrum. A person with Asperger's can be extremely high-functioning. But socially are very inept. I married one not knowing. Very difficult to communicate with and problem-solve. They are in their own world

Indeed it does. Hard time forgiving myself for not seeing the red flag. A relationship with a BPD person ruined my life with false accusations. After 2.5 years, finally, the drama is over legally. Damaged me physically and financially, all for nonsense. The real reason: social stupidity because of CPTSD.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

You can't help what you didn't know, glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

If I had just trusted my gut feeling before, I could have avoided a lot of pain. Now, I listen to it and get the heck out quickly at the first sign of trouble!

Wow! This was so spot on. I wish my therapist would be this direct with me.

Yes, yes, yes, AMEN! I agree 100% with you, thank you so much for explaining this so well! Being left with nothing but the horrible feeling of abandonment and indignity of having had sex with a person who never appreciated me and just used me is brutal, brutal, brutal. But it's so important for understanding, healing and overcoming the past. My heart goes out to everyone who feels this pain 💜💜💜

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so glad you're here. Thank you!

@GloryBe2GodInTheHighest

2 жыл бұрын

Currently going through this pain right now 💔🙏

@kimmidoesdallas1

2 жыл бұрын

I'm one who feels that pain. I'm just starting my journey for I just recently broke up with a man who also acted in these ways 🤔

@ona8938

2 жыл бұрын

Me too.

This is so important. What you said about how as children, we needed to go into denial about what was happening, and that has interfered with our red flag detector as we're older. Hearing that helps so much make sense to me. I can look back at red flags I often ignored in the beginning of a relationship, when I was in relationships. Right now I'm not interested in anything except working on myself and building up my life in a healthy, beautiful way. Thank you for this channel and for sharing all that you do. It makes a difference.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

That's great, take your time- you deserve it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

Sounds like a covert narcissist. Push pull and ghosting is hallmark. They are wonderful actors. All you see is the false self.

@happygucci5094

2 жыл бұрын

Could also be the sign of attachment trauma.

@trainattendant5810

2 жыл бұрын

Agreed

@rogerramjet6429

2 жыл бұрын

@@happygucci5094 true. People are just to eager to blame everything on a Narcissistic personality, when the truth may be from an entirely different cause. They may be just as emotionally scarred as the person, throwing around labels of blame.

@happygucci5094

2 жыл бұрын

@@rogerramjet6429 Yup,I agree. I am not diminishing anyone's suffering- however there seems (at least to me), a breakdown between the clinical definition/understanding of narcissism and what is bandied around in pop culture to describe any self absorbed/ abusive/ dysfunctional/antagonistic person without an understanding of context or complexity. Clinical terms like Cluster B types, Borderlines and Narcissists ( malignant, covert or otherwise) are being in my opinion overused and used inaccurately. Thanks for your comment ☺️

@rogerramjet6429

2 жыл бұрын

@@happygucci5094 certainly agree with all that as well. As for labels, I can throw around some after a diagnostic process, on my family has been conducted, decades ago. That being, a brother and my father are both covert narcissists when around witnesses, but that brother is overt when nobody is around. That's just situational awareness. Mother is bipolar and psychopathic - spent many years trying to end my life, with her bare hands. She's just useless at completing things. Youngest brother is the one most normal, and doesn't have any mental, nor physical afflictions. I've refused to have kids after what my mother said she would do to them, in another of her rages. Now I haven't seen any of them since late 2010, and far better off for it. Should have left decades before the age of 41. At least 41 - 52 has been great. 👍

I dont know Penelope, he sounds like he's just a jerk. I get it. I'm a stage 4 clinger 😊

@alexarobinson2850

2 жыл бұрын

Hahaha, mood.

@TheBlackSheepDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

If you step it up to stage 5, you'll be qualified to crash weddings!

@gpparis2023

2 жыл бұрын

@@TheBlackSheepDiaries oh my gosh lol 🤭

@TheBlackSheepDiaries

2 жыл бұрын

@@gpparis2023 Heehee! One of my favorite movies, couldn't resist!

@gpparis2023

2 жыл бұрын

@@TheBlackSheepDiaries it's the best 🤣

Interesting comment on Trauma Bonding. There are not enough studies on Stockholm Syndrome, and how many feminine traits are controlled by such type of relationship-dynamic.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Interesting point! -Cara@TeamFairy

@edheldude

2 жыл бұрын

To me the Stockholm syndrome is just a blatant expression of the attachment trauma where people have confused power/abuse with love. The kidnapped are treating the kidnappers like children would their (abusive) parents. I think we all have a sort of Stockholm syndrome toward our parents.

@tunatuna711

2 жыл бұрын

I agree with this. Back when I was in the Army, I hadn't ever gone to therapy or dealt with what happened in my childhood. I remember sitting in the classroom while they were teaching about Stockholm syndrome, and I remember thinking, this explains my childhood.

Oh boy is this the truth!!! I looked past all the red flags and fell in love over and over again. My friend thought I was crazy. I didn’t understand it myself but I just wanted to feel loved. With those people that showed red flags that I ignored, all I ever got was crumbs.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

You are on the path to change! It gets better!

“He wants to be a part of the family”. Well, if ones family is dysfunctional then one might not want that.

You will except a wild ride instead of a healthy relationship. I refused to get emotionally sober after being physically sober. I learned my lesson and try to undo my faulty thinking. Alone but not overly lonely more like I need "a something" which is my addictive side. Awareness is key.

Last week was a very hard week. My father who sexually abused me at 9 had emergency surgery bc of cancer ..I love my dad , and I don't want him to suffer at all, he is 82 years old..I had to check myself of the love and forgiveness about my dad. I have been a mess since hearing about him . I have pictures of him before and after surgery...I don't want him to be in any pain. He is healing and they had to give him a bag in his colon cancer. They don't feel it spread ,many people say the hell with him, I say no the hell ( was) with me and very painful. I love my dad..We haven't talked in 10 years now but I love him..

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

A complicated relationship. Sending my hopes that you find peace and are able to handle this in a way that feels right.

They keep dropping you ad you get closer. That's trauma bonding

I think that the relationships that succeed are those people that had parents that taught them the value of trust...

@astrialindah2773

2 жыл бұрын

More importantly maybe is the value of being trustworthy...

I went thru something like this… I have childhood cptsd plus I was in an abusive relationship. Right after that relationship I dated people who also weren’t good. You get excited and your head gets foggy. Eventually these people just become another lesson that you need to heal. Especially if you just jumped in or if you’re sticking around when they are distant. You gotta heal.

it s good that you counterbalance the constant "diagnosis" of 'the other person' as the issue, with a reminder of penelope's responsibility to look into herself.

Penelope, leave the man alone! He should pursue you. Not the opposite.

@RamKumar-yi6wn

2 жыл бұрын

Lol you're twisted !

@kati1017

2 жыл бұрын

@@RamKumar-yi6wn you again. Heck yeah! Women shouldn't chase men in any way. They can smile and show they're interested, but men must initiate. It never works otherwise!

@MissSarahGM

2 жыл бұрын

Yes he should. And we don't know if he was the one coming back each time. Or if she chased him.

@godzillamanstreb524

2 жыл бұрын

@@kati1017 I know a few exceptions.....but for the 95% of lasting relationships I think the guy takes the lead

This is setting up as trouble ..This is a toxic relationship already..You can't help someone that doesn't want to be help.. CPTSD for me ,we want something serious and a loving relationship...Then I see all the do and don't.. I'm a 57 swm living in South Carolina..I don't want sex, I miss intimacy,kissing and cuddling and togetherness..I'm very toxic to myself ,bc I know if I were to find that in someone it would be overwhelming..

@mariaanalum2712

2 жыл бұрын

Both people could be bringing in dysfunction.

There is so much good advice in here for everyone. Married or not. In a relationship or not. I was married for 27 years to a wonderful loving sexy man and I've been trying to figure out where it went wrong for me. These videos are so helpful and making me realize that I need to get my ass into counseling. Having a person to give you unbiased and intelligently informed feedback is key.

You know that is so true. I live in an apartment building and I liked this guy on the first floor. All he did was hurt my feelings and piss me off. I had a revelation one day that I realized this guy was an asshole...why would I like someone when all they do is hurt my feelings and making me pissed off..why would I like that guy?... cause I don't. I was really proud of myself for recognizing bad treatment. I gave the dude the boot.

The part where she says he’s offensive… I think that’s important.

This came at the perfect time. I needed a reminder that I deserve respect from others and myself.

I am learning so much from your videos. I am saving and replaying them. I'm starting to take notes. I'm a little overwhelmed because I want the end result now. Fortunately I'm in no rush. I've spent a lifetime making unhealthy choices. Now I aspire to "greatness"...a simple, healthy tools, honest- friendship which may become a healthy relationship...later .. thank you

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like you have a great perspective of healing. I'm so glad the channel has been helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

I like that ' sitting on a throne.' Let us all be Kings and Queens of our destiny. Thanks

Years on the couch amd you say, we feel we lose dignity in a relationship where we have been sexual - right there- the absolute truth

I wish I'd had this honest counsel 6 years ago. I had been in a 25 year marriage that ended. 8 months later I got into a relationship like this. Ignored the red flags. We married and he abandoned me 9 months in. At least now I understand. I grew up with alcoholic mother, emotionally abused and neglected..always trying to be perfect and helpful ro be accepted/loved. Anna, I can't thank you enough for all you do!❤️

I've done this with friends my whole life; chasing after friends that didn't _choose_ me, trying to prove that I'm worth their time & love 😔 the theme of my whole life!! Now I CHOOSE!! 😘😍🙏🏻

The phrase "choosing somebody to spend the rest of your life with" is enough to send me running and screaming in the opposite direction.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

LOL small steps :) -Cara@TeamFairy

If somebody doesn't want to commit to you, he/she usually never will. Better to leave that person alone, than make excuses for their behaviour. Pressurising them to do anything makes them just to run away sooner anyway.

I found a formula to avoid doubting myself. Pay attention to my intuition. If I’m wrong, it’s better to be wrong sometimes and to believe/honor my gut feelings.

This is so validating. This is nearly exactly my story accepted he told me he loved me, would chose me over anyone. I wasted 5 years of breadcrumbs and crap fitting. He’d never commit. I thought I could fix him and show him love

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

6 ай бұрын

That must have been hard! I'm so glad you're here now :) -Calista@TeamFairy

I keep falling for covert narcissists. They disguise in so many different ways. And then sometimes I question myself, and think I’m painting everyone with the same brush. Now I just stay alone.

@maureenw7553

2 жыл бұрын

@@ravenraven966 thank you ❤️

I attach to the ones that love bomb in the beginning making me feel like I have it all, had true narcissistic characteristics and don't want to heal or are have zero insight to their own behaviors. This is where I see I was trying to "fix" them while not realizing how unhealed I still am which is why I am there in the first place and it never worked. I always justified myself by saying "no one is perfect and I would want someone to stand by me through my imperfections". I think I just had the aha moment that walking with someone else who has also had a traumatic childhood is only good when they want to heal. Otherwise, it's unhealthy and one-sided ultimately showing me that I still need to work on ME first. Great video, thank you.

The stuff on your list of what a guy does when he's into you, brought tears. Not had alot of that from anyone I dated. I guess I am a clinger. So was my last partner. I think I thought I had a secure relationship with him bc he would never let me go, I would leave and he would always be there to take me back. But I would leave bc he was beligerantly drunk, temperamental, controlling, make me do all the work and be full of excuses. So. That was not actually security, it was him feeling good about himself he can make me come back after abuse. The fact someone just keeps hanging on ' so will always be there' is not security or safety and is only comforting to people that had that in childhood. And me leaving wasn't a CPTSD response, bc I was to blame a lot for being reactive, but maybe returning was bc I was normalizing the abuse. It was so confusing and damaging. It was no damn good!

@Shaunteetalkstv

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing this. I feel a little less alone ❤

@evonne315

2 жыл бұрын

@@Shaunteetalkstv 💗💗💗 to a better future

For women out there, if a man likes you, he will pursue you. He will be the one who reaches out to you, he will always answer you back, he will ask you questions about yourself and take interest in you, he will want to do fun things with you-dinner dates, movies, actual outings and not just "Netflix and chill." If all a man wants to do every date is just come to your house to "watch a movie" and try and get sex and then leave after and not call you until he wants to Netflix and chill again, this is not good! If you meet a guy and you guys agree to go on a date, please make sure he actually takes you OUT ON A DATE. A movie, dinner, lunch, getting a coffee together, whatever. But not going to one of your homes to watch a movie, that is not a date. You should require more of any potential man than that. You are worth so much more than that. And if he doesn't show the proper interest in you, you drop him and fast! Show him that you aren't a woman who's going to be taken advantage of and that his little game didn't work. Require more from potential partners because it shows that you love yourself, value yourself and they will in turn see that, and actually view you the same way. And remember that people will only ever treat you the way you allow them to. So always require more. Be that woman who knows your worth and value. It will quickly cut through the crap and you'll find the right one faster

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

@amyb7823

2 жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy You're welcome! It is insight that I myself definitely had to learn the hard way and if I can help anyone at all by sharing it, I like to. :)

@seymorepencilart

2 жыл бұрын

Slow clap! We all need to learn this at some point. Even guys. I think we learn to satiate our ego first because love itself makes us feel too exposed a lot of the times. So, for hetero-women- accepting less is the norm. For hetero-men, getting sex is the norm. Both keep us from feeling a sense of lack, aloneness, and away from that gnawing feeling that we aren’t “good enough”. Getting a woman’s attention I think, is similar to a women getting a man to not leave her- and neither of those are being loved for who we are, it’s just getting someone to look at us in a certain way for a short period of time, hoping that will the image will stick and we won’t feel empty when we are by ourself; because at least someone is paying attention to us, so we must be worth something. In the end, loving ourselves and realizing our pain we are reacting to not our fault is the only way through to the other side of self esteem and true connection. Desire and to be desired is not the way, but to love and allowing ourselves to be loved is.

@amyb7823

2 жыл бұрын

@@seymorepencilart wow, that was very insightful, thank you. As a woman, I've never quite thought of it that way. I've always equated men's willingness to eagerly bed many women while avoiding commitment to their high sex drive/biological urges. I never really thought about the possibility that they are just trying to fill a void or fuel their ego the same as women are when they engage in these behaviors..And it's true, at the end of the day, having someone that you can love and laugh with and go through life's triumphs with is whats important. At least that's what matters to me.

wonderful! loved your advice!! in my opinion - ((generally - not always)) males and females act different when they've been traumatized... females cling, males avoid. also people have different "healing timelines"...

@kaseyyoung322

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly

@mollysreadings4845

2 жыл бұрын

Yes, totally agree.

@cannibale101

2 жыл бұрын

Small children, boys or girls, will adopt and play the roles that are pushed onto them by their caretakers - healthy or not, they have to do this to survive. Adults then unknowingly reveal their own gender biases through the roles they unconsciously push onto their children according to their sex, rather than the children themselves who would somehow choose one way or another to position themselves within a family system they have no control or power on.

@x-mess

2 жыл бұрын

@@cannibale101 🙄

@cannibale101

2 жыл бұрын

@@x-mess Sorry for being tone deaf and/or coming off condescending, i struggle with that + the english i've learned is still super academic and not so natural

Oh my! Recently discovered these videos and I am pouring over them. They feel like a lifeline. Puts into words what I knew on some level, but couldn't exactly pinpoint- it's so ingrained. In a co-dependent for many years, now getting out. You have helped beyonds words, Anna. Many blessings to you- I can't tell you how much this is helping and how much this means to me. XXXOOO

This is a great breakdown. Thank you for being tough yet gentle with Pen

It took me years of immense suffering and self work to realize this…🙌💯 Excellent advice! 🙏✨

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much! -Cara@TeamFairy

"Grief and emptiness" That nailed it on the head. I'm frozen, not wanting to make another mistake. Started the one Year healing and it is already helping, thank you! Taking time to deal with "me" is what I need to do. No more trauma bonding. I found it was always easier to pour myself into others. I learned I was avoiding my own issues because my only comfort seemed to be in dysfunction and abuse even though I did not want that. My brakes are on and the healing has begun and it isn't easy but wow do I feel better already.

Wow this is my first time watching one of your videos. I really love your direct approach and how you get right to the subject no fluff no annoying intros and so insightful.thank you.

These were really good signs you gave to know that someone truly cares for us. I need those! I esp loved the one about them making us a better person. It sounds really fun.