“Closure is over rated” omg that needs to go on a t-shirt for this whole community. Ok, just me?

@wordivore

2 жыл бұрын

No, not just you. It would make a great t-shirt.

@hissyfitz7890

2 жыл бұрын

IMHO - There’s no such thing as closure.

@Sashas-mom

2 жыл бұрын

@@hissyfitz7890 interesting…so for anyone? Under any circumstances? Or just those who’ve just freed themselves from a relationship with a narcissist. Jc 😊

@hissyfitz7890

2 жыл бұрын

@@Sashas-mom - IMHO closure is an illusion. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Sashas-mom

2 жыл бұрын

@@hissyfitz7890 very provocative 🧐 you know I never thought about it as needed or not needed until recent events in my life combined with this particular video. Anyway when you say “ just an illusion” It makes me want to know more. 😊

Part of the attraction to "bad boys" (or girls) can be an unconscious desire to win the love from someone who doesn't love us. Someone who may resemble a parent who abused or neglected us. Actual love from healthy people doesn't feel as real or exciting.

@fromeveryting29

2 жыл бұрын

This is 100% my experience. Teachers and older "motherly" women have always snuk into the hole in my heart my own mother left.

@gopiritsma4262

2 жыл бұрын

yes that's the problem I have.

@Applauseify

2 жыл бұрын

This suddenly stopped me from breathing. I day dream hours and hours about man who has no interest in me .. I have the same issue in past..married man such as this. I m searching for love

@colbielewis5690

2 жыл бұрын

This is me 100% and it almost always ends in me feeling like I’m not enough

@winebabe

2 жыл бұрын

Yes well said to win the love finally that has other wise always been unavailable. I want to be chosen as the one who's love was special enough to get him to commit. I'm learning, but I finally have a definition for it...Eroticism of Abandoment.

I quit dating in January of this year. Waiting to get back into therapy. I had a breakthrough moment yesterday. For the first time EVER I went on a date with a guy, I saw the red flags, I chose not to ignore them, I vocalized my disapproval and left the situation. For a split moment the old me tried chiming in, but then I snapped out of it - it was NOT attractive to me at all in that moment. I'm so proud of myself. Dating is on the back burner.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

So proud of you! You handled that date well! :) - Ashley, Team Fairy

@redpalex

Жыл бұрын

❤️

@genxx2724

Жыл бұрын

Good for you. Next time don’t vocalize anything. It only helps them to refine their approach and keep hurting women.

@mariaanghel8480

Жыл бұрын

That sounds amazing! ❤️ I hope you are still on the good path.

@dodgyyoutuber9560

Жыл бұрын

Ooo what were the flags, girl?

I have an issue with this too. I think I conflate the ‘bad boy’ with power and power with protection and safety. It’s so confusing. Absent father 🙋🏼‍♀️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

"To Eroticize the Abandonment" is an eyeopening statement to me. My whole life I've been attracted to all the wrong people. The ones who aren't good for me and don't care about me. The ones who don't reciprocate my loving feelings. The ones who just aren't interested in me. I thought I was primarially attracted to their looks, but now I realize it's something much deeper. Thank you for pointing this out to me.

@wordivore

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah that line hit me too. My parents were both physically present but not so much emotionally. And most of my relationships have been with emotionally absent people.

@charlottehanna790

2 жыл бұрын

I'm just now at 57 years doing this. I'm out of love and time for this stuff anymore. TY so much for the info.

@pointsbeingmade7996

2 жыл бұрын

Great insight.

@Froglet1968

2 жыл бұрын

Ditto and it's not nice is it?

@going-easy

Жыл бұрын

Hit me too

The dream of being The One, the one who can get under the badboy's defences, get him to open up about his pain and become emotionally dependent on us, is very compelling. It is a fantasy ego-trip really. Perhaps it's a response to being discounted/rejected in early life by the one(s) we looked to for complete love - our parents. That's the pain we really need to address. Until we do, we will go on looking for the solution in the wrong place.

@stacyjaye6350

2 жыл бұрын

Guarantee you, none date an ugly bad boy lol. To tons of women, it's all about the looks.

@Froglet1968

2 жыл бұрын

I've done this too, I love psychology and I also love emotionally available people. My parents have Aspergers, I don't get on with Dad, I live back with my folks and through the pandemic, dear God, I've never experienced isolation like it and I feel like I've regressed in who I a....I struggle massively with criticism....

@michellek2946

2 жыл бұрын

Omg Yes! The dream of being the One! All that does is make them treat you worse. I will pick the sickest guy in the room. I remember my ex telling me that he was fine with the way he was. He was ok with the raging, gaslighting, projection and just plain narcissism. He was the most exciting man I had ever met. It just brought my dysregulation to a crisis level and I behaved badly as well. I now know he was my father, and I was desperately trying to get him to love me the way I loved him. Now I know that he was also coming from a place of extreme CPTSD himself with what I knew about his own terrible childhood. I can't help him, and I can't love the trauma out of him. I left when I became so depressed that I was getting physically ill and suicidal. It's been 9 months, and I am just now realizing my own trauma needs to be healed, so I can have a healthy relationship with healthy people. I want that so bad. Lots of crying, I mean - A LOT! I'm 53, and I'm fighting the inner critic that tells me it's too late. The trauma from that relationship just added a whole new layer that's hard to reverse.

@sugarfree1894

2 жыл бұрын

@@michellek2946 There are elements to finding this stuff out when we're older (I started working it out at the age of 48, I'm 56 now) that are harder, because things have had more time to concretize in our lives; on the other hand, when we're older, we have more experience of having survived all sorts of stuff already, so the healing can be quicker and more effective. I took up Buddhist chanting at 48, I've never looked back, happier now than I could ever have imagined (still chanting every day - 10 minutes 'work' every morning to maximize the rest of the day - what harm can it do eh?). Good luck and good healing!

@onedividedbyzero

2 жыл бұрын

@@michellek2946 dont listen to that all well known inner critic..its just old belief youve been programmed to....mind will always tell you lies...you had gut instinct to get away and this instinct will guide and navigate your anywhere just listen to it.

The bad boy behavior applies to our friends as well. I had a friend who called me for emotional booty calls and then ghosted me for months. a few years ago I finally told her I cannot continue our friendship that way. She got upset and then blamed me. That was a friendship that went on beyond its expiration date. It’s amazing how your internal peace and harmony springs back once you remove the toxicity from your life.

@lemsip207

2 жыл бұрын

I had that in my teenage years as well. If it wasn't for my mother I wouldn't have set boundaries as she saw what was going on. But I was then bullied by the girl during the school hours who my parents didn't want me to see outside of school anymore. Then in later life after my mother passed I allowed two women who had mental health problems to use me by asking me to go to the shop for them on the way to visiting them and then them not reimbursing me straight away or paying me back 'in kind' with an evening out that I didn't enjoy at all. Or by inviting me out to an event with no warning and demand that I drop everything go there. Cancelling arrangements to meet up at the last minute or just not turning up. Arranging to go somewhere and then being dragged into clothes shop on the way. Then I met a man who was hosting a stall at a natural health show who gave me a CD called 'Breaking the ties' and I was able to set boundaries with people. I also bought a book on boundaries. I wrote a list of these types of controlling behaviour and rehearsed what to say to people who exhibit them.

@LinYouToo

2 жыл бұрын

@@lemsip207 Wow! We must have had similar friends. A few years out of college I went on a three week trip to Europe with a friend of mine. We wound up in Paris at the Louis Vuitton store and she forgot her travelers checks (I’m dating myself) at the hotel and her credit card didn’t have high enough limit for her to buy a very expensive bag. She wanted me to pay for it on my credit card and reimburse me. I knew better. What did she do? She got angry with me right there in this fancy store in Paris. A few months after we returned from our trip she had to have back surgery and wanted me to take one week of vacation to look after her and I said I couldn’t do that. Once again, she got angry with me. She has other people, friends and family so why me? Needless to say it was shortly after that I ended our friendship and let her know I couldn’t go on that way. As for the ghosting and canceling plans that you described, I had another friend exactly like that. We would make plans to do something all day Saturday. I’d be up early dressed and ready to go and she would call and cancel at the last minute. Then she would text me and say let’s get together in a couple of weeks so I will give her a call and never get a call back. The circus went on far too long. It’s been almost 5 years since I last spoke to her. Our friendship couldn’t grow and not everyone who came with you can go with you through life. It took me decades of life to figure out that there is a very simple recipe that works for me for great relationships: are they mutual, reciprocal, balanced, and can they grow. Plain and simple. That’s great that you had your mother to help you. It was my own mother that I had to set the strongest boundaries with later in life and she really hated it for about 18 months. It took her a long time to see, and I finally had to tell her, that the old me was gone forever. And that she didn’t have to like the new me, or accept me or even love me. Or even get me. I told her that I get me and that’s enough. Boundaries. Don’t ever leave home without them. Wishing you well.

@LinYouToo

2 жыл бұрын

@@Sarablueunicorn it sounds like when she would tell you we need to stick together really meant you need to be there for her but she might not and will not be there for you. It has taken me a very long time to realize that the aggression, anger, projection and someone that other people exhibit toward us has everything to do with them and not us. I imagine your sister needed you to be her emotional container. That was the situation with my mom. Later in my life I found myself teaching my mom how to become an adult and take responsibility for herself because I was always in the caretaking “mother “role for decades. It was a very long and painful journey. Wishing you well with your family situation. You take good care.

This was just what I needed to hear. On my own for the first time at 68 yrs of age after a high school romp and a child to adoption at 17 and three marriages to men who were either mentally, morally or physically ill. My father was my first love and he was a handsome, sensitive charismatic man with a bad drinking problem which lead to promiscuity, adultery, lying and cheating. You are right, it's taken almost a full year living alone without distractions to face my emotions. It's not easy but worth it.

@jennytaylor3324

2 жыл бұрын

Good work, my friend. x

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

@Aryana_Hartwell great work, really appreciate you sharing your experience :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Earthalien89

2 жыл бұрын

I'm so happy you're at a healing point. May God bless you and keep you, Aryana

@keepmoving1185

2 жыл бұрын

Love to you!

@tracy85777

2 жыл бұрын

I'm 63 and I finally get it even though I always knew I had the bad boy problem. It's taken my life in so many wrong direction and I've made horrible decisions that hurt me so much and it's hurt my children and I see the sickness in them and it wrecks me. I would suggest that women keep their knees locked until they're married to the right man. Sleeping around doesn't work out. Sounds really old school but it worked in years past and it will work today. God bless you all!

"How does a person change who they fall in love with?" That is the question!! "The part that you can change is you." The antidote! What's crazy about being attracted to a "bad boy" is that there could be a room of 1,000 men, and before a word is said, I will seek the one who is not the right person for me!! That's what I want to change.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

You can! -Cara@TeamFairy

I'm not attracted to bad boys. But I am attracted to men who are emotionally unavailable.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I get it :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Just...Peachy

2 жыл бұрын

That's a "bad boy" for you

I can relate to Kira so hard… I’m only 20 but I’ve already gone through 4 “situationships” that each lasted max. 3-4 months. We’d “fall in love” after a few dates. Started being affectionate to each other over text, then they’re texting pattern suddenly changed from this loving, affectionate style to being super distant and unavailable. That’s when my anxious attachment kicked in and everything went downhill. Thanks to this video, I’ve gained some clarity on what went wrong each time. I was constantly blaming myself for being too much and being too pushy, but the problem was that I was chasing something that was never for me in the first place. I’ve been approached by quite a few guys, who were emotionally available and wanted to date me, but I ended up being bored or unsure because I didn’t feel this strong feeling of wanting to pursue them and chase them to the very end of the world. Fact is, I am a very affectionate and loving person and I need somebody who is exactly the same. Thank you for making me realise this. 💞

I'm attracted to the bad boys. Yet I've always wanted a good guy who treats me well. I recently learned I have an anxious attachment style as well as codependency. I'm a fixer and a fawner. I buy things for them as well. It really upsets me because I know better, yet it is hard to break these habits. I'm now 51 and have never felt loved. I have spent the last four years doing inner work. And, yet I have found myself again in an unsatisfying relationship. Even worse is that it's long distance. I feel lonely, sad, unworthy and hopeless. 😥

@tojoinbobdylan

2 жыл бұрын

I hear you, and can relate so much. Hang on 💖 You are worthy 💗

@stars_for_night_lights

2 жыл бұрын

@@tojoinbobdylan Thank you, and best wishes! 😚

@tiptopdadddy

2 жыл бұрын

Been there, so much

@emmm_4465

2 жыл бұрын

Yup yup and yup, same here

@babycakes8434

Жыл бұрын

It is work in progress. Don't beat yourself up. End the long distance, unsatysfying relationship and keep working on You. It is better to be at peace solo, than being unhappy in a relationship. Also love yourself, give yourself a lot of love so you can feel loved. Self care and give yourself things, not to others. Hugs.

Feel like I could have written this letter. Every time I go on a date with someone intelligent, well balanced, respectful, stable and caring, I have a great evening then go home and cry because I don’t feel anything. Then I cry because I can’t tell whether it’s just not a physical match or if I’m so confused and badly oriented that I am only attracted to very extreme individuals.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing -Cara@TeamFairy

@genxx2724

Жыл бұрын

Their lack of edginess makes them seem pathetic. It’s so disordered and self-defeating.

I'm 50 years-old and have been single and celibate since age 35, so it's been 15 years since I've been intimate with a man. Just got really exhausted and discouraged with trying to engage with and form meaningful bonds with men. My mother was and still is emotionally unavailable and I lived my whole life exhausting myself begging for love, affection and attention from men because what I truly needed was a mother's love, and that's something a man can NEVER give me. At this stage in my life, the very thought of forming an intimate relationship with a man is nauseating.🤢😔☹

@Froglet1968

2 жыл бұрын

I'm very touched by the wisdom of people on here...I like warm and steady, but I don't seem to have a "gauge" as to what 's healthy and what's not.

@Kendall42971

2 жыл бұрын

@@Froglet1968 I feel the same.

@curiousgirl.4134

2 жыл бұрын

I am 57y/o never married no kids and last relationship which was the only kind I have ever had was with emotionally unavailable men was 3yrs ago. I avoid relationships too because sometimes I feel safer on my own and therefore happier but it doesn’t mean that I dream of feeling safe “in” a relationship with the right person.

@Kendall42971

2 жыл бұрын

@@curiousgirl.4134 ☹💔😔

@indahmaria1400

2 жыл бұрын

I'm just like you. I'm 23 yo. It's my father who is emotionally unavailable with temperament issues. There's like a wall between us. I do want to get back to my childhood where I still have lovable father. It has gone since my elementary school. My father had conflicts so many conflicts with the family of my mother. It always became worse since my mother had depression periods annually. That's why I have bonding issues. I also get attracted to bad boys. I hope I can reset my mindset and find the real healthy partner.

Oh, what a subject. I've realized after a decade of wrong choices that, somehow, I'm feeding my own depression with failed relationships, long story short - my attraction to bad boys has a function of feeding my addiction to be codependent and abandoned.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Great insight! -Cara@TeamFairy

A lot of men fall for bad girls too. I think it's trauma that most can sense. Some are lucky enough not to go through it and develop a bad, but sexy vibe. Trauma and seeking validation is a bad combination. We must heal, because empaths are the most loving, but abused people in general. Narcissists are tricky and dangerous to anyone.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

"Trauma and seeking validation is a bad combination". Word. -Cara@TeamFairy

@michellek2946

2 жыл бұрын

I love that too. 'Trauma and seeking validation is a bad, bad combination. I read Pete Walker's book that Anna suggested. I'm a fawner and fighter. I'll give and give until I feel so abused that I completely explode. i'm like a tiger that is being poked and prodded until I attack. Then the dysregulation is so bad and out of control that I lose. my. shit!!!! Jeez

@DimitriAnkudinov-cg2gh

26 күн бұрын

Bull****! Only girls do that! I mean you might get a few guys who are attracted to bad girls but those guys keep it in their heads' fantasies. It's only females who try it in real-life.

Mean and neglectful are familiar 🤔

Thank you for pointing out the way movies romanticize toxic relationships. It really bugs me as it feeds into the whole "I can save him/her" illusion.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching :) -Cara@TeamFairy

I found your videos today. I watched a lot of them. I have ADHD and CPTSD... recently I start to realize why I am this way, why I lead a life which is rather different than others. Still trying to put the picture together, and it is not easy. Now I know my traumas keep me back from living my life, and I did not even know about it for a very long time, while I thought I handle my crappy childhood quite good. I don't really have help to process my traumas, my (remaining) family is not supportive, and not even functioning. Sometimes during highschool (which was ages ago) I fantasied about a good family. A functioning family, where people are happy when I get home. I was thinking about them before sleep, imagining I will get there in the moment I fall asleep, and live 8 hours in a happy life, and then switch back to this life. Like in a movie. The other day I was thinking about my imaginary family. Others have imaginary friends when they are small, so they wont get bored. What does my imaginary family tell about my life...?

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Welcome to the channel, you'll likely learn a lot about yourself if you have c-PTSD. And I get the imaginary family piece 100% -Cara@TeamFairy

I have the opposite problem; I look “bad” but inside I’m quite sensitive and kind hearted. I’m heavily tattooed, beard, shaved head, ride a chopper and most days wear all black. In reality I’m a dad 1st adjusting to the empty nest and a creative type, previously with music now transitioning more into writing. My last few relationships were with what I call “rock n roll girls” who exhibited early red flags that I didn’t recognize and ended disastrously. My days of partying are long behind me. Now I’m focused on watching my kids flourish and developing my creative work. I love kids but those days are behind me too. My idea for the future is to move to a city where there’s more people like me with the experience of life and the insight of people like Anna to guide me. Not all bad boys/girls are what they appear to be but knowing how to recognize those CPTSD lures & snares is crucial. Give a bad boy a chance, but don’t let him waste your time.

I was so enamored by my exs' famiies closeness as I wasn't close with sisters or parents. Turns out, they were just more enmeshed with their severe dysfunction. I abused my family to become part of his, of course they turned on me after I realized how messed up their dynamic was. I was convinced that I was too damaged to raise a child on my own. Turns out, I spent most of my emotional energy trying to support him to be the parent I wanted him to be. It was a waste of my time & energy that almost killed me. I'm SO lucky to have gotten healthier, seen my daughter get clean & see her dad for what he is. Always work on yourself first, those benefits never go away & only then can you consider adding others to your life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly! Thank you for being here and sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

The ones who dislike this video are either not wanting to accept they are damage or they are the ones administrating the damage. This video is so helpful and appreciated no matter how bad it hurts to admit. Not everything we feel has to be followed, say this over and over until it sinks into your soul. Now you can fill that void with a good experience. You will then start to heal. You are worth the work it is going to take when you finally understand that you were traumatized early in life by people who were also traumatized. FACT: Hurt people, hurt other people!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

And there it is!

You being really focused on self care, and what you really want in your life. That behavior creates emotional availability in you. So inspiring 🤩

I mean, we are known by the company we keep. One of my young friends was mystified why she wasn't able to make friends at work. Everyone knew her boyfriend was a "bad boy", and they weren't into trying to connect with someone who was dating a petty criminal at best. "Bad boy" is just a euphemism for a guy that has no respect for rules and laws. This might sound harsh, but a lot of times we meet people through others, so yes, even today your reputation still means something.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Good point! -Cara@TeamFairy

I have spent the past 6 years doing a lot of healing, which has included setting clear boundaries with people around me and also ending some friendships. What inspired me to dive into this prosess was how I always got involved with toxic men and I knew I needed to become more self aware. It's been super weird seing the changes that this healing has brought on. But as far as relationships go, I would say there was a period of a few years where I felt like I was having a "romantic identity crisis" haha I just didn't know who I was attracted to anymore. I stayed single and busy with education and work, but I noticed some really great guys started becoming interested in me. In this time my self respect and my trust in my abilty to make good decisions has improved a lot, and I am no longer interested in any "bad guys" or people who lack self awareness. I think we look for our peers in dating, and if you feel not worthy of love, hurt, lonely and you're not really connected to your emotions, that is what you will be attracted to in others. When your view of yourself change, so does your criterias for what your looking for in a potential partners. Love this channel

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

@pizzakrydder thank you for being here, appreciate you sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

The worst part of the abuse I had was not the hitting it was being told that he hates me. Since then I’ve entered social situations thinking everyone is going to hate me then someone turns out to be nice and I attach to them pretty much immediately and the person turns out to not be what I thought he/she was

I just want to take a moment to thank you for making these videos. I just had to quit therapy this week because of financial reasons but finding videos like yours and especially ones hyper focusing on C-PTSD have been helping me immensely. I've never gotten specialized trauma treatment but all your videos speak to me so personally. You are doing such good work. Thank you thank you thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I"m glad the videos are filling in the gaps for you, thanks for being here! -Cara@TeamFairy

@erincranston1924

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your wisdom. The light bulb 💡 went off in my brain and I have alot of work to do. I don't want to live in this hell anymore and now I have hope. Thank you so so much for pointing it out for me. ❤

I never knew that my patterns of destruction had a name: dysregulation 🤯 I experience this at least once a week and much less now that I am aware of it. Your videos have helped me better understand myself and have helped me on my journey to reach my optimum self.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Fantastic! -Cara@TeamFairy

@babycakes8434

Жыл бұрын

Dysregulation for me too. My question was always, why my emotions show up in the wrong moment? Why do I cry when there is no reason for that? Why do I let myself to build up all this in me and then it comes out in a wrong moment? Why can't I express myself and my feelings and my needs as I go? Is it only me, that didn't learn it, or missed the lesson along the way?

Romanticizing pain.

I have struggled with something similar recently out of nowhere. Someone who I am intensely attracted to but I know it would never work out. It’s funny how you feel like you can lower your standards because of how gorgeous someone is. But that’s wrong thinking. A few days ago I heard that song from Avril Lavigne “he was everything everything I wanted, he was everything everything I needed.“ And quickly realized this person I’m fixated on or experiencing limerence with was definitely not everything I wanted or needed at all. It helped me. I think I’ll use it as my reality check now..Lol 😅This video is amazing thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks so much for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

The problem is that even when you are done with bad boys, the pool of high value men is small for us women over 30/35.

@sarahs5340

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly! If you have a standard you’ll probably be standing alone. I’ve had to ask myself if I can stand alone and still be fulfilled.

@Kareena1988

2 жыл бұрын

@@sarahs5340 i dont think its possible. There are days when you can distract yourself but you know being alone is never right

@KnowledgeSeeker78491

2 жыл бұрын

As a lesbian, let’s not forget bad girls out as I know them as “whore$”…but they were the ones I found physically attractive…I have a question, “Why can’t good people be more physically attractive?” I’ve dated all types of chicks and when I’m with one who I’m not physically attracted to I can’t fake it…personally I think prostitution should be legal in every state in America because that’s all I really want from a woman now. I can’t give my heart and time away to a chick Who just uses me as a placeholder

@oliviachipperfield6029

2 жыл бұрын

Omg true story!!!!

@Solitaire427

2 жыл бұрын

What’s your definition of High Value Men?

Thank you, Anna. I cried through most of this video.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Aw, that is so moving. You can heal, @Andrea_Brewer!

Had a bad boy who was obsessive. I’d always avoided the booty call situation but obsessive is not any better. So hard when your interests and needs have been neglected in childhood to see the difference between genuine care and affection and self centred care and affection. I think becoming more focused on myself and my needs helpful to directing other people to treat me as well as I treat myself.

Thanks Anna. This was good to hear. Romanticizing abandonment, that cleared a few things up for me regarding keeping "friends" who demonstrate that they don't value me as much as I value them/the friendship.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

I'm glad it helped! -Cara@TeamFairy

This idea of a troth is really interesting! I don't think I've ever thought of that word by itself, but thinking of it as a battery or a container where you put valuable energy that you want to protect gives you a conceptual handle on what is important. You could generalize that to any addictive type of scenario and use it to flip the relation around where, say, for smoking, instead of gaining the pleasure of a cigarette, you can think of it as abandoning your non-smoking energy and progress. I really like that!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Great way of putting it! -Cara@TeamFairy

22 years of marriage to a psychopath narcissist and afterwards a 6 month fling with a married Special Police Force Officer I met at a mental hospital thinking he was my twin flame. Well, I guess my relationships are affected by childhood trauma... so time to do some serious inventory and heal and start looking out for myself! Thank you 1000x for these videos and your writing technique!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

You're in the right place! -Cara@TeamFairy

I had to cut off contact. It felt so calming. I did go through withdrawal but I did a lot of exercise to get over it.

This lady is actually pretty amazing with her advice - spot on

This is SOO good. I was stuck here for decades. Yes, decades. By the grace of God, I found my way out. Anna, you are in deed a gift from God. I am well along in my healing process, but listen to and study your videos daily. I pray healing and peace to those with CPTSD.

@donpeace894

2 жыл бұрын

Anna is awesome isn't she

'Override your instincts'....so true! I so enjoy hearing the passion you have for your subject. And I'm sure I've heard you say you are not a counselor...but you have such insight...and willingness to share....and empathy. Very inspiring. This subject really hits home for me. I definitely have/had this very dynamic in my life. I finally realized I need to stop the pattern. It is quite a challenge to find/recognize/implement new healthy behavior/habits. It does become difficult to extend yourself after a lifetime of bad relationships. The one (VERY) good thing to come of it all is to know I am okay. A good person. I'm stronger than I thought. There are worse things that could have happened. Life has a lot to offer...even when you are single. 'Kira....don't loose heart. But do learn to override your instincts. Let rational guide you...not emotion. Learn to see things that are going well and be contented while you work on it. Build trust in yourself. Value your ability to take care of yourself in the meantime. I would have liked to have understood that when I was 35. Thanks for what you do Anna.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you @Diane_Gordon!

@cutechiangels

2 жыл бұрын

Your advice is good. But, please let me correct a very important point. Instinct is not an emotion. Although, it can bring up emotions. Instinct should be paired to one's intuition, when it comes to chosing the man/woman in one's life. And, when one really listens to one's intuition, deep down, it always gives us the right answer. It's not always easy to accept nor to keep it in mind, as things change, evolve and get more involving with the other, through time. One can't always avoid types of relationships that turn out to be bad or not right. It's part of life. The important thing is to know how to deal with a situation and difficult person, in order that it doesn't drain you. Good luck to all!

What warm and genuinely helpful person. Thank you for your videos.

I haven’t seen men who are considerate of your feelings and not all about taking. It’s a dream. I think i’ll go on searching for them forever with such high standards.

How did I miss this lady for so long. I love a bunch of the people on KZread but I’ve been watching these videos for years and I just discovered her, I really love her style and contact

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Aw. Thanks.

@sharonbeers4621

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for posting these video because you are very relatable and refreshing!! I can relate to many of these and it helps me become much more aware and intentional!

Bless your work, Anna. A million thank you's! I'm sitting here crying (for the 3rd time today) over a serious 6 month long relationship that I recently ended when I finally realized how bad it was. I had the strongest urge to text him just now, but my mind knows just how bad he is for me, so I came to KZread to find a video on how to avoid texting an ex and before I could search, this was right at the top of my feed. ❤️🙏 You not only saved me today, but gave me food for thought for the next time the urge hits. You're doing an amazing work and changing so many people's lives.

Wow. Every young woman/man who is dating should hear this. Really great information and advice. Thank you 🙏

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

I think for me it's knowing that I am perfectly capable of being around people I'm attracted to without acting on those feelings. That has given me a sense of power and self esteem back because animal attraction or lust is not the same thing as love. fortunately, a friend taught me that decades ago which helped me begin the process before I ever realized that I had a problem. There's a huge difference between love and lust.

@frappalina

2 жыл бұрын

My dad was physically and emotionally abusive, cold, avoidant, and my psychiatrist thinks that he is a malignant narcissist. My mom was wonderful but had depression due to the abuse and I had to do a lot of caregiving as a child. I have been diagnosed with PTSD and a mild OCD in 2013. I always fall in love with kind of emotionally unavailable people, some of my exes have been diagnosed with mental illness (bipolar, major depression), some are victims of abuse themselves. I don't think it is a control issue in my case. I just work and work and work to change their mind about me and convince them to love me. My father always told me that love is earned by what we do so I have always taken up a role of caregiver with my exes. I feel damaged by the abuse and think that a "normal" person would never want to hang out with me. That is why I relate to those who had experienced abuse. I want to give them a chance because I dream to be given that chance as well.

Lol omg I love how you use big words like "emergency" and "marshal all your forces". I don't think people understand how urgent it is to recognize these patterns and go in and move quickly to change the mentality. I'm in the middle of this type of situation now and from the very beginning I was guarded, but I'm feeling those euphoric feelings of eroticizing abandonment. I needed to know why!? and What was going on in my brain. This video is so very helpful.

I have to thank you. You gave me so many "a-ha!" moments and I came to realize after many years that I was actually neglected by my father and kept looking for that same type in the guys I date. I relate so much with the words of Keera, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone and that there are explanations to my feelings. I was sure that I am damaged, there is no repair for me, I just have to live like this, and after the last dude I dated that totally broke my heart and left me high and dry, pure coincidence KZread offered this video for me and I am so grateful for it. You help me find solace, and your voice is so soothing and I feel like finally, after a long long time, you make me feel that I am ok. I will be better one day but I am not as damaged as I thought I am and that I am not alone. I thank you from the bottom of my heart, Lihi.

Many people are attracted to confidence in others. The "bad boy" or "bad girl" seems to have confidence (what some people call a "devil may care attitude"). It might also be due to the media's mystique of this type of persona. The attraction may even be due to the envy of the admirer, who wishes to be more like the bad boy/girl type themselves.

I’m guilty of this. Bad boy - good guy oscillation. Back and forth. I love them both.

I'm so happy I found your channel. I have BPD which makes relationships incredibly hard for me to navigate and watching some of your videos I feel like you are directly speaking to me. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

So glad! -Cara@TeamFairy

Wow. So this channel is going to be my go-to channel for my weird dating quirks. I'm a good sheltered church girl type, but I'm usually attracted to bad boys! I like what you said about we're liking people who will be bad dads and not be there for us like our parents weren't emotionally. WOW! Eroticizing abandonment!

I never really liked the movie Grease because it has this 'a good woman's love fixes a bad boy,' myth through and through. I just can't make myself exchange this fantasy for my desire for real romance. Even though it's a cute movie and all.

@Joelswinger34

2 жыл бұрын

To me, it's not, because he also changes for her.

@FireflowerDancer

2 жыл бұрын

@@Joelswinger34 maybe they do both change, but the fantasy still doesn't work for me, because it echoes that falsehood that a woman's love is the impetus of change for a man. If a man is going to change, it's not going to be because he found a hot date. The idea that human relationships change personalities is not reality. They can help you grow, but you have to want to change for yourself, not because of how someone else views you. That's just narcissism and love addiction in disguise.

@lemsip207

2 жыл бұрын

I didn't see the film at the cinema at the time but have seen it in parts a few times on TV. There are so many questionable tropes in it. It was a 70's idea of what the 50's was like when it really wasn't like that. Even worse was Saturday Night Fever which I saw at the cinema at the time only because a friend wanted to see it. I was shocked and depressed by the plot and hated the music in the soundtrack for years as I associated it with the film. The main character was a nasty angry man who only wanted a woman who was too good for him and was rail thin. She was also unavailable as she had just moved in with her boyfriend. His friends were racist, homophobic and not very bright.

@lemsip207

2 жыл бұрын

@@breakingloveopen I thought it was strange that she was wearing the most uncomfortable clothes you could wear on a hot day which was skin tight and black. Clothes you would wear on a night out.

@kes1582

2 жыл бұрын

As an Australian....I hated the movie. Too American for me. I was about 12 when I first saw it. A friend's mother thought it was sad that Sandy had to change into the hot girl and she thought she shouldn't have. At that age...I didn't understand what she meant, but now I do. Such wise words from a Baptist housewife, back in 1978.

Hitting the nail on the head. This is also my biggest issue. Thank you for touching on it.

The hope "beaten" out of me- exactly true except in my case I have always been isolated and neglected. That's my norm. I'm doing a lot of work on my life. UR very helpful 🙂

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

So glad the videos are helping! -Cara@TeamFairy

So on point for what I have experienced. Never knew what Trauma Bonding was until I saw one of your videos about it. After 2 horrible marriages, I went through complete avoidance of relationships for 9 years. Then I sought out a former school mate from his profile on social media. I was addicted and he was a mess. I have begun to heal although the obsessive thoughts of him still intrude.

@judepoynter3850

2 жыл бұрын

@Vicky Mayo I have learned through bad experiences not to go backwards in terms of connecting with people from your past. There’s a reason it didn’t happen back then. Look after yourself and look ahead 🙏🏼

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

@Vicky_Mayo thank you for sharing, you're doing great :) -Cara@TeamFairy

You do a very good job at explaining this crazy roller coaster. Thank you. Ghosting is just plain rude! Live and learn.

I think its that the sexual tension is increased with bad boy types.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Could be! -Cara@TeamFairy

So much truth. I completely understand this girl and her cptsd story. The letter seems like I wrote half of it and the answers and response is exactly what I thought but I needed to hear it out loud again. I’m so thankful I found this amazing channel.

For me it was all about chasing flirty women that were not really interested and chasing off or being blind to the potential good relationships. I realised way too late it was a self fulfilling idea "im not good enough to find romantic love. Im too broken, ugly..so on." That is at the root of it. Each rejection would only add on to this feeling. Now I finally got past the chasing the wrong type but I have a lifetime of inexperience that makes it near impossible to meet someone in our current pandemic state. Dating sites are horrible experiences for cptsd. A major problem I have is not being able to read signals of attraction. Several times when I was younger people told me I was being flirted with after the fact and I just didnt see it or else thought there was a something when there was not. I signed up for the courses. Im sure it will give me some answers.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

That's great, the courses will help a lot! As will the community at CCF you can now meet :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@genxx2724

Жыл бұрын

Decent women don’t dress provocatively, make themselves the center of attention, and act available. You’re going to have to look around the edges of the room for quiet women who actually have conversations on real subjects, not loud, aggressive party girls.

My God, watching your videos has helped clear my mind of so much doubt and fog. I can already feel the strength, because I'm able to see things for what they are! Thank you for sharing!!! I also think it's interesting to watch little tid bits about why relationships didnt work out, or to hear certain things straight from the opposite sex (I watched one Oprah video on why people cheat, and a Steve Harvey video on how to know if someone is truly interested). Obviously your videos are leaps and bounds above those as far as zeroing in, and really learning how to fix, but it's really nice to have so much info available to help people see more clearly!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you!

This is such an eye opener, thank you for these videos and having such incredible knowledge. I was married twice to unavailable men but not realising they were at the time. As an empath I am attracted to fixing people and to look for the good in them. After divorcing my second husband, I started to look deep into myself to see what the problems were. I started watching lots of videos and found out about narcissism, both husbands were. I'm now healing and in a much healthier place. Thank you again for educating me even further , your videos have helped me a lot.

This is really one of the most insightful psychology channels that I’ve seen. I always learn something deep and new here.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

Wow @ eroticize abandonment. I have been doing this since a teenager as abandoned & abused emotionally & sexually traumatized child. I have had a high tolerance for abuse and pain. I’m crying to this video because I don’t want bad boys or abusers anymore. I refuse to eroticized being mistreated and abandoned. You have found your God given gift and calling. 🙌🏼I needed this. This is like a ton of bricks falling on my head. Traditional counseling served its purpose years ago but was never fully healing.

This could be, perhaps, one of Anna's best videos. I will listen again. Good life skills presented. Thank you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! -Cara@TeamFairy

That part saying that keeping contact postpones healing feels motivating.

This!!!! Thank you!!! I became a member and now I need to get started. Thank you!!!!!!

This is so amazing! So many things that are do true but I’ve never heard about

Ive been watching a lot of your videos and can totally resonate. I'm still trying to ween myself from a one sided attachment and intellectually i know why im attracted , but like you say , its like an addiction and its learning to say no to what is unsafe and painful at times. Thank you for your great way of relating this to us all.x

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Rooting for you as you navigate this. Glad that you're here and enjoying the videos. - Ashley @Team Fairy

These are incredible! Thank you Anna, you’re doing Gods work 🙏🥰

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate you watching! -Cara@TeamFairy

i am so grateful for your channel 💜

My goodness what an invaluable treasure trove video.....even for one who has been through all this and going toward a 2nd marriage desire❤️❤️ty Anna!

A completely eye opening video for me. I could take a lot from this. Thank you!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful! -Cara@TeamFairy

This channel is a life saver

Sound & Solid ... from start to finish. This Woman (Wise Fairy) makes sense on all points. ~TD, Boston

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate your support! -Cara@TeamFairy

This video is a year old but perfect timing for exactly what I'm going through now. I was wondering this morning how do we know if we have a spirit guide or a guardian angel and this video pops up. I have been rethinking what I'm doing as recently as this morning. I have only seen a couple of your videos before and yet here you are, speaking directly to me. Now I know I do have a guide who brought you to me. Thank you!

This is very insightful.

Taught in my early years to be fearful and believe I was no good which then became engrained. Didnt know much at all about love and relationships. Got married in my late 40s to someone who i should have seen was not going to fit with me. Got hurt physically and emotionally. Knew i needed to move on so got into another relationship. Should have seen we weren't ever going to work out. Got hurt physically and emotionally. But now, hopefully i am wiser. Story of my life. Thank you Anna.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you too! -Cara@TeamFairy

Another phenomenal video, with perfect subject touched. I'm 37 yo. Same story...same questions...same doubts.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Love that it resonated for you :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@Applauseify

2 жыл бұрын

I m 35 and good to know I m not alone with my fucked up choices due to scarred childhood

God I love you anna! You are so understanding. I am only just coming to terms with cptsd, but you are one of my guiding lights

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Aw, thank you @Ellie_Brown...

Glad i found this channel. I can very much relate to this topic...and others. My second marriage was to the emotionally not available type..ugh. so much to try and understand. Widowed now for almost 20 months,and more confused as to what we had than ever.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Welcome! -Cara@TeamFairy

married almost 30 years, I was in a car accident a few days ago. My husbands first reaction was, " I guess the car is totaled" not are you OK? It's a pattern, it's all about him.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

That must feel really lonely. Glad you're here :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@tracy85777

2 жыл бұрын

LOL this happened to me! I was so shocked! YOU want to know if the vehicle is okay?! And I was married to that verbally abusive alcoholic for 30 years and HE LEFT ME! WHAT A JOKE! I WAS SO GOOD TO HIS SORRY ARSE! But I got sick with fibromyalgia from all the stress and abuse and he didn't want me anymore. Did I mention he cheated on me from day one?! He stalked me, had to have me, then he just kept acting like he was single and I'm home with three babies and 60lbs and no education. The joke was on me. But I'm still standing. God is my refuge and strength.

@Applauseify

2 жыл бұрын

Same thing happened..the marriage didnt survive in my case. I tried hard to win his acceptance and his interest and appreciation. Didnt work..

I used to personalize the stories I saw on T.v. or in movies. I am more emotionally connected to the story of- poor ugly girl finding her royal prince charming type or someone who treats her badly or abandon her. I am so emotionally connected to the stories or movies I had seen in my childhood uptil now. This made me firmly believe that I am destined to be treated badly or abandoned by him. As since childhood to now I had been made to believe that men love beautiful charming stunning women.I had been criticized a lot for my looks which made me believe that I am ugly not beautiful so, destined to be abandoned . As I believe that good looks = true real love. As I am an average looking girl firmly believe this belief which has stopped me from loving and accepting myself ,looking for approval especially pleasing to "him". This emotional addiction, to the painful stories,movies sad songs , firm belief in abandonment by him leads to Inferiority complex and constant comparison with other girls and negative harsh self talk. Please help me in Healing myself through your guidance . Please make a video on emotional addiction to sad stories ,inferiority complex,competition for gaining his love and negative harsh inner voice.

Thanks so much for this, needed to hear this

I love your videos!!! This video was so helpful ❤

you are a revelation. I finally got off that rollercoaster after 40 years of all the wrong relationships.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

That's great to hear! -Cara@TeamFairy

You are so articulate and concise . Thank you 💓

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

thank you for the encouraging comment! -Cara@TeamFairy

One of my favorite videos of yours definitely! Thank you!! ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank YOU! -Cara@TeamFairy

Thank you so much for doing so much for so many!!!

Anna your incredible gift of healing has done more for me and all my healing modalities than I can describe. It’s so validating!! You are an Angel

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you for your kind words. Grateful you're here! - Ashley, Team Fairy

A good variety of thinking methods that allow us to belief this is what we want. Accurate.

I need this! Ty❤️

Brilliant!!! You are so spot on w every video!!

So gratefull for you and your healing journey and WORK 🙏🏻💕🦋

Nailed it again! 👏

Beautifully explained ❤️❤️❤️

Tremendously helpful, thank you.

Thank you for helping all of us.

That letter sounds exactly like me a year ago..... I didn't remember sending it though!!! I'm in a much better place now enjoying and appreciating singleness/hood 😊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 жыл бұрын

How great! thanks for sharing your progress with us. -Cara@TeamFairy

you get closure over time when you finally realize youve been played, That is closure, once its been processed in your mind and feelings. closure is not, Im breaking off,,, lol actions speak louder than words

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Excellent point! -Cara@TeamFairy