Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZread. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZread. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I just realised I used to do this with my ex partner. I’d always go on about my struggles whenever we talked and there was never any equal exchange. I never realised I was doing it out of a place of being guarded though. I used to do it at an attempt to become closer.. I guess create the “illusion” that we were emotionally close, because looking back on it we weren’t emotionally close at all.. wow

@alexiab2598

4 жыл бұрын

This is me as well. How do I fix this?

@dianebroadley1455

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, and me!

@r011ing_thunder6

3 жыл бұрын

@@alexiab2598 ah yes, no answer. nobody ever has the answer

@KatOregon

3 жыл бұрын

Profound

@logeshgasen1310

2 жыл бұрын

Last sentence you said... Boom..wow!

This is my emotionally unavailable ex. After the break up, first he said he was having a midlife crisis, then a couple months later he felt he was in a weird place, then he fell incapable of being in a relationship and now his new excuse for not being with me and emotionally available is he’s concerned about his kids that are going through another divorce. I’m tired of the excuses and I accept he can figure things out or not, but I’m done with this casual non-committed relationship. He’s completely focused on himself and only his own needs. I’m done trying to connect to an emotionally dead person. I deserve more.

@nancyayers5067

2 жыл бұрын

Yaaaaaay!!!

@kokoskokso

Жыл бұрын

Emotionally dead person.. whoa

This video was mind blowing. I never even thought that having a ‘pity party’ was a part of being emotionally unavailable. I had a partner who was emotionally unavailable in other ways and I’m just now realizing that he was also doing this alllll the time. It was worse then I thought. I found the pity party’s to be mentally exhausting to the point that after a while I stopped giving advice because it was pointless. He wasn’t willing to do the simple things required to ease his burdens. I’m so glad I walked away from that relationship. Great video. Thanks for the awareness.

@truballr32

Жыл бұрын

Yes this video helped me realize that too. It makes perfect sense because how could a person like that be there for you when you need when their problems are always worse and more severe then your irrelevant life.

What hurts the worse is when you try and understand and try to relate or even offer some suggestions or advice on how to resolve issues and that is met with disdain and accusations of being a know it all. I’ve even got as a response after listening to all the self pity as ..” wow I really thought you knew me but I’m realizing you never really understand me as a person” very insulting and guilt tripping statement. It’s not that you don’t understand it’s that they don’t want you to understand because that would mean that we got to the root of the issue or understanding what’s taking place(acceptance) now the next step is resolving the problem and they hate that and don’t want that because that’s how they get their attention through self pitty and victimhood. They don’t know any other way to be it’s like they made that their identity. No one understands them and everything bad always happens to them.

I understand wholeheartedly! My 53 year old stbxh bitched about so many things. Very negative, blameshifting, deflecting, reverse victim role. He would road rage and blame other drivers. Work, colleagues, bosses. Steals from his employer because he feels entitled to more. Spoke badly of his friends, but hung out with them for validation (nice guy complex). Making rude (extremely horrible) comments about heavy set people or people with disabilities (horrible)! Politics. He always had some sort of ache and pain, wanting attention. Our dog barking. Still blows my mind! One-sided circular conversations. Couldn't shut up and listen to other points of view. Heaven forbid if we did get a word in and it differed from his opinion! Exhausting!

It happens because being emotionally connected can be dangerous when we experienced that as children.

@billyb4790

Жыл бұрын

yes this is true. Strategies were learned, and although they might be outdated and ineffective now, they were once our only tools for survival.

I learnt more here in a month than an year of therapy sessions ❤️❤️❤️ thank you Alan

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate the kind words. Thank you for valuing my work.

Oh my. I wish I could hug you. I am dealing with/healing from an emotionally unavailable mother with victim mentality. I've been in some kind of weird denial for so long. I'm sad, hurt, and really I guess just broken. It was good to hear some one else's thoughts and put some pieces together. Thank you.

I'm in an LDR with someone right now who has consistently been doing this. It has certainly run me down into a bad place and your other vids explain why I haven't walked away yet....ugh! Thank you for the clarity on these. It really helps knowing what I'm dealing with👍

i’m going to start crying.. i really needed to here this. there are many things i do wrong and i am working on my stuff. truthfully. but i just wish my prtner could see what she is doing. it’s honestly so sad because i can’t get her to see what she is doing and it is causing us to push away.

This is me. I never realized I had this mindset til my therapist pointed out. I've been doing research and glad I came across your video. It never occured to me how draining I could be on others and it explains a lot of my past relationships. Thank you for being part of my healing journey

This is Jennifer Sinclair. OMG, isn't Alan the greatest?!! I listen to several of his videos several times because I "learn" more every time I watch it. Alan is talking about my mother!!!!!! NO ONE can explain my mother been than Alan! THANK YOU ALAN!

I was consistently up against the fact that my husband was continuously emotionally disconnected from me and my children. Never really was pleasant to be around. He was controlling, manipulative, hovering, and often rage-full. Still trying to sort through the emotional disconnection except for times in the bedroom. It took its toll on me, staying in the relationship thinking it would get better. 30 years was too long!

@lynnromenesko3140

6 жыл бұрын

Butterfly Momma I relate to everything you say. I have stayed hoping it would get better. Negativity, complaining, dismissing, stubbornness, raging, has took its toll.

@gypsytownsend2292

3 жыл бұрын

Whew!

@nancyayers5067

2 жыл бұрын

I have no words ...

My ex was absolutely emotionally unavailable & did this all the time - I had never identified his ‘poor me’ attitude with unavailability.. thanks for your insight

Thank you Alan! This is another video that has brought so much light and clarity to me. It never occurred to me that people that continually act like victims may be subconsciously rejecting real connection. During the interactions it feels like the person is reaching out for connection. Now I can see they may be just asking for me to join their pity party, which is not a true connection! Thanks again for your insight and magical delivery! You truly have a gift for video. I know you have shared that it is not really comfortable for you, and that fact may be part of your magic! Thanks for being vulnerable and touching our lives.

@truballr32

Жыл бұрын

100% facts !!! Someone that considers you close or a significant person would actually listen to you when you give your opinion, Not excuses or a BUT after every single angle or approach to resolving the issue. I always think of that idea of well people just want someone to hear them out without an opinion or advice and I honestly understand that, but at what point does it become unhealthy for an individual who just wants pity or an echo chamber. No accountability no responsibility no culpability taken whatsoever. It’s draining and depressing being on the receiving end of that. It really brings your spirit down because when you’re happy it’s met with negativity and When your sad it’s met with negativity.

Have been working on this one, and seeing a lot of growth. Thanks for this series and the validation.

thank you for your videos. they have helped me a great deal. keep them coming ! you are the best!

My sister does this. She is always working so hard and giving so much to charity and her life is so burdened and important. When she cancels plans with me I'm not allowed to be upset because I should feel guilty because she is doing so much and I am so lazy and selfish. I am so grateful that you have decoded this. I don't feel personally rejected now. Very enlightening. You have certainly named the dynamic. It's liberating. Thankyou

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I see this video sparked reflection for you. Glad this connected and offered benefit. Thanks for valuing my efforts. Family relationships is an ongoing topic of discussion in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're welcome to join us. Learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/community

This really nailed it for me. My relationship is totally this way. He plays the victim and shuts down.

You are awesome! At the 10 minute mark you nail it. That emotional gridlock and being denied connection. Everything I’ve been feeling my entire life… and how these family moments feel so phony and superficial.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for valuing my effort to capture difficult relationship dynamics and explain them so they are accessible. Glad it delivers benefit. To learn more about how these dynamics get set up you may be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

My ex used sex to express everything - never spoke of how he felt, only how horny he was. Not emotionally satisfying in any way. That's why he's an ex.

There is a older family member i have this problem with. When even I try to talk to her one on one she starts with stories about not being loves by her adopted family. They have nothing to do with our talk and I feel like she is trying to deflect the subject. I stopped trying with her because it almost always goes like this and even trying to empathize fails. I just walk away feeling like I have not gotten anywhere.

Thank you so much for this video. It has confirmed the dynamics in the family between members and especially me and my father .. it’s been years now , where there has been no return relating . And I can see how I pushed myself almost if not literally into the illusionary relationship and it was only me there there was none literally responsiveness from the other party . It was just that complaining, anger, victim hood and me trying to understand, but never could fully as it has continued incessant for years .. he has completely taken his gaze from me like I don’t exist and I keep standing codependenly jumping around him to connect to be seen, to be acknowledged… why the fff I’m doing this… 😖

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Glad to see this video sparked reflection for you. Your story brings up empathy. Many can relate to this. Glad to see you engaging with this content. Also, just want to mention that the Improve Your Relationships Community Program now has livestream videos with more content like this. Members discuss the content in real time. You're welcome to come back and join us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Fascinating series of videos. Thank you.

WOW, Alan. You validated my confusion. I understood myself. Thanks 😘

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

wow, thanks for letting me know this video was validating and helped you understand yourself more. If this video was helpful then check out The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can understand ourselves and others more by learning the different ways we show up when there is relationship stress. Sometimes our self-protective behaviors can make us emotionally unavailable. Glad you are exploring helpful resources. Thanks for your comment.

Thank u, this is exactly where I and my dysfunctional family have been for the last 40 years! Its sickening!

@billyb4790

Жыл бұрын

I'm with you. Time for a change, no?

Thank you very much Alan , right on spot.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Appreciate the kind words. Thanks for valuing my work.

That’s ridiculous Alan, your such a gifted councillor. Have I been attending sessions with you for the last year and you just decided to reflect on my exact circumstances today. Three weeks ago, my husband of too many years, took the pity party and left the building. It’s a relief in one sense, I’m still trying to figure out where to go from here. This video validates me and will help me decide. Thank you so much, your a blessing.🌻

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Hello there. Glad to hear this video spoke to you. Thank you for the kind words.

You're great! I love how you approach the issues.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for valuing my work.

thats exactly. how I am.feeling dude youre right on it!!!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Glad my work speaks to you. Thanks for the comment. This is also a conversation that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. I welcome you joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Thank you for this video.

Really helpful video, thank you.

Bravo! Thank you

I just realized I've been living this way my whole life. I have so much changing to do.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I hear you. Many of us are in the same boat. This is good awareness. If this video is helpful then you may also be interested in learning what keeps us from emotional availability with the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Hell yeah that was helpful! (We need this stuff in Highschool) I came here working on my own junk (I got insights on that, too), but I didnt even think about how other peoples junk comes out. They put their unavailable junk out there, then I think I did something wrong, and just add more junk to my junk, when the truth is that it is just their junk, and I actually don't have as much junk as I thought! Wow. Thanks man :-D

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Well, I can see this video inspired some reflection for you. Glad this content is of benefit. Thank you for valuing my efforts to offer quality content. These are the type of conversations we have in the Improve Your Relationships Community Program. Some members have been there for over four years now. You may like joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Excellent truth, very helpful, thank you sir!!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I appreciate you letting me know this is helpful. Thanks for valuing my work. If this content is helpful then you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

I'm currently training as a therapist. My classmate and I are ridiculously enthusiastic about the subject and talk about therapy all day. It's lovely to see someone who is as also really enthusiastic and passionate. Love the content it's quality. Maybe one day I'll be at a similar level

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the comment and for valuing my work. Good to hear about your enthusiasm learning about therapy. Learning with others who share the enthusiasm is a great bonus. I'm reminded that community is so important through our journey. Glad you connected with this video. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Also let your friends know about this video. Thanks.

Once again, Alan is “strumming my pain.” This was my husband. For 20 years. Now we are divorcing. At my instigation. 12-Step finally gave me “the courage to change”…my marital status. And it’s not like he was happy being in the victim mode. He was miserable. But that was *his* attachment trauma. And to connect this with Alan‘s previous video about avoidant attachment and “being nice”-my husband was Mr. Nice Guy to colleagues, friends, associates, and everybody outside of our home, while he played the victim with me. That one-two punch shut me out on so many levels.

@twinflames_111

Жыл бұрын

Wow. I had so many such people in my life.

Thank you for the professional, nonjudgmental tone.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

You're welcome. Thank you for valuing my work. If you like this content then you may also like joining us in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships: www.alanrobarge.com/community

I was always told my needs were to hard to deal with so I became to identified with focusing on that and becoming angry and discouraged knowing family wouldn't allow for my needs so it was my way of trying to force them. Surprise I don't spend much time with them. They've never shown me they've changed there stance on my needs. Pretended for way too long I don't know how to live in line with all my needs now coz I'm so use to people acting like there a big deal but no ones supports a disabled person to get away from there family. It's definitely me. It would be nice to know how I can heal more from it to relate with people better

this is so totally friggin awesome thankyou for explaining..my reality..im not sure what to do about it tho

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the kind words and for valuing my effort. It has taken me years of study and healing process to uncover these difficult dynamics and share them with others. If this content is helpful then you may also be interested in the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Learn more by taking the quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Yes and I have also understood that this goes way back to the relationship I had with my father. Feeling this energy and thought it was love. So had to work hard on myself. But never give up on myself anymore. Because see how much I also abandon myself here. But this time I woke up properly.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for reflecting. You sound self-aware. Glad this video spoke to you.

yes its really helpful to have NAMED..all this its really good!!!!!!

Once again, another video EXACTLY describing my situation - I’m on the receiving end & my nervous system has been fukd for over a month.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Empathy to you. I'm reminded of how we need gentleness for ourselves. Thanks for valuing my effort to capture difficult relationship dynamics. Glad it delivers benefit. To learn more about the inner workings of these dynamics you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Thank you

You’re amazing, Robarge

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the supportive comment and for valuing my videos. It's good to know how impactful this one is for you. I am glad to hear you receive benefit from my work. Please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution, checking out my course, and/or joining us in the Community. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

@akuasalaam490

Жыл бұрын

He really is!!!!

Thanks for this Alan! I love your videos. Im a counselor and do a lot of healing work, Im curious to learn how your KZread channel has helped your business. Would you be willing to talk with me?

Its so difficult to get out of that mindeset, working on it but when I feel exposed I go right back into that mode

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I hear you. Our mindset can affect how we view things. Many can relate with struggling with this.

This is the first time I’ve heard someone explain exactly what’s been going on in my life-wow.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Ай бұрын

I appreciate the feedback. I'm glad this content deeply resonated for you. It's validating when others connect with what we share. I'm wondering if you heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. There's a new 8-Week Program starting and you're welcome to join us. We learn a lot from each other. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

You gave me yet another insight. I realize my mother and some of my friends were emotionally unavailable so what I felt with them was emotional unavailability. They were making me a free psychotherapist and I was quietly angry, but I couldn't. Because they present themselves as victims. Do you think they do that to get attention?

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Good insight. Glad this video sparked this reflection for you. Good for you for noticing some patterns on how we can be emotionally unavailable at times. Thanks for engaging in the content.

My father is always trauma dumping on me. At first i didn’t understand that. I thought I should be empathetic and a listening ear . But I tried to help, i tried to hand out solutions but these people don’t take responsibility for there life. They bitch and complain about everything and everyone but themselves! It’s though when it’s a parent because one side you want to love them but on the other side they take advantage of your kindness and don’t really care about you, your life or what you’re all about… explaining doesn’t work because they don’t understand how healthy relationships actually work! You can tell them and they act as if they understand you but act the same every time again. No behavior adjustments whatsoever.

Wow! This is happening between me and my husband right now. I feel an extreme emotional disconnect from him. He harbors anger and resentment, but idk what to do about it.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I hear you. These dynamics can be challenging.

Definitely explains my ex.

This slaps

@saundracohen4032

Жыл бұрын

Indeed

So what do you do when your boyfriend meets you with only negativity and complaining and you've tried getting through? I've tried everything and nothing. Is it then healthy to walk away? My nervous system is going off and I am in a gridlock and it's painful to see. I have compassion for him and am finally seeing that I need to have a "line" and self love in this situation. He won't let me in and is pushing me away. I don't want to let go but I feel like he leaves me no other choice. This has been going on for 5 weeks and physically I'm sick at the thought of him not being able to open up about his concerns about us and the relationship.

@MT-sw8rf

5 жыл бұрын

Move on. He sounds like having a narcissistic personality

@sshuteandrew

5 жыл бұрын

Krystina After 16 months I walked away from my emotionally dead partner. He’ll need to figure things out on his own. I miss him at times- it’s not easy, but things won’t change if we continue doing things the same. Expecting change in that case is the definition of insanity. I’m choosing me.

@rnopes21

2 жыл бұрын

Walk away. Go watch Jaiden animations bad relationships video. She does an excellent job of putting this complicated issue into perspective and the best way to protect yourself.

@Ann963

Жыл бұрын

If you want to stay together, you both need individual therapy. Him to work through the issues that are causing his negativity and pushing you away. You to take care of your own mental health and to support him without drowning yourself. You may not need to stay in therapy for as long as him, but starting at the same time “together” may help him see that you are trying to make it work. If he is not willing to get help, then you NEED to prioritize your health and probably leave him. And if possible, tell him when you break up that his negativity and refusal to work on it is the reason. It may be the wake up call he needs to stop ignoring his mental health. Once he is taking positive steps and trying to improve himself, you may want to consider couple therapy to learn how to support each other more equitably and maintain positive changes so you don’t slip back into old communication patterns. Growth isn’t linear, we all have seasons. But gradually over time, if both people are truely trying, things can improve tremendously. But only if *both* people want it. If he doesn’t want to try to change things, you need to leave. It is like letting a drowning person drag you under instead of grabbing the life preserver. Insist on the life preserver and take care of yourself first. You deserve it.

in terms of raproachment,looks like blaming would emerge and kill it.

do you have a video about what youncan do if you are on the receiving end of.all this ?

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the question. There isn't a quick answer but rather opens up to an ongoing discussion. One starting point to unpack these dynamics could be the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

I am that person. How can I reframe my experience/emotions without getting stuck in the victim mentality downward spiral

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

11 ай бұрын

I hear you and thanks for the question. It's challenging to answer with only one response. There are many aspects to consider from experience and history. This is something that comes up in conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

how do I get a private session

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your interest in working together. To learn about counseling click on the following link: www.alanrobarge.com/counseling

Shoot... I do this

Ugh…didn’t realize that I was doing this. 😢

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 ай бұрын

I hear you. Glad you connected with this video. You may also be interested in taking the Relationship Quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

7:45 this is what i always do

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I hear you.

what if you are a genuine victim? People love making victims out of those close to them as it bigs their failing /challenged ego s up! People love to find scapegoats. Negativity is good if its a truth revealer!

@salrc8352

Жыл бұрын

Genuine victims want to resolve an issue not just complain, and they don’t hog all the attention.