Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZread. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZread. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

I guess one of my biggest triggers is feeling like I don't matter and feeling rejected.

@janeyd5280

5 жыл бұрын

rejection is my problem.

@echamber

5 жыл бұрын

Same. I’m never a priority.

@fingerprint5511

5 жыл бұрын

Me too

@cynthiaridgeway1100

5 жыл бұрын

It seems we will all feel this way. I'm trying to keep my head up. It's hard. I think he will spend millions in therapy. He has no insight. I'm wearing makeup again and I know I'm gonna find the man that will love me. I'm just not sure where that emotionally mature prince charming is yet. I'm gonna find him. I dont even care about looks after the ignorant, uneducated toothless Hillbilly ass hole that bread crumbed me and the kids.....oops. there I go again. Where's my lipstick?

@chocobochick5390

5 жыл бұрын

You do matter They don't. You are valuable. You are worth it. You treat yourself well because you understand self-care or else you wouldn't be here. You are a god/goddess. You *ARE* God/Goddess and God (God Particles, whatever you believe) is with you. There is no reason to be afraid or ashamed of who you are. Don't let your feelings define you. They don't. You are who you are (the *REAL* you) because you know who you want to be and have the courage to explain it here on KZread. Don't be afraid to love yourself and forget about the others who want to forget about you. God's (you) created a world, a whole world full of amazing people you can meet that fill all of the qualifications that you want and even one's you never knew you wanted at all. Love yourself. You are your best friend. It's ok to walk alone because you're never alone unless you want to. God is with and loves you so much that he/she/they/it would want you to believe whatever you want and for it will be true! ❤️ Don't be afraid to speak your mind or believe something you want because you are here and that's all that matters.

Does anyone else do this, except about themselves? I am absolutely obsessed with healing myself. I can’t stop thinking about it, all day every single day. Trying to figure out how to fix myself, my life, my habits, my emotional state. Obsessively just trying to figure myself out

@dawnacoxon3111

2 жыл бұрын

Yes

@tulinbeyduz920

2 жыл бұрын

Sometimes silence speaks

@daniellemartell386

2 жыл бұрын

🙋 I do ....... But I'm having trouble finding the steps how to do the fixing. I get the the identifying. .. I feel almost like a decision paralysis. And the stopping the physiological responses that gets triggered. Sitting through emotional physiological internal responses even though you want to be over this stuff it's been long enough, is the most uncomfortable feeling I've ever experienced. Just sitting through it is almost to much for me. I want my body to just stop it already stop hurting but I cant. I hate the feels. I think I abnormally feel more intensely than most ppl do. And regulating them is hard when you "feel" your emotions in your chest and gut intensely.

@giuliadi1317

2 жыл бұрын

Me too

@EllePole

2 жыл бұрын

Sometimes if you’re only talking with yourself you distort your own reality … you need someone else to help you sort it out. We can’t know everything about ourselves

*_Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option._*

@guitawrizt

4 жыл бұрын

Yes, yes indeed.

@AMayer-se6gg

3 жыл бұрын

Ugh that’s just a ‘meme’ platitude that has nothing to do with the video

@guitawrizt

3 жыл бұрын

@@AMayer-se6gg Duh- Ok.

@Onlinesully

3 жыл бұрын

Well I did just that

@isacece1334

3 жыл бұрын

Exactly!! I like to say... Your value does not change based on someone's inability to see your worth

I obsess about times I've been hurt. I think I obsess because it (like you said) distracts me from the feelings I don't want to feel. Feelings of being not good enough and not worthy of love. I now know that those are just feelings and that they are definitive facts. I can now train myself to sit with those feelings no matter how uncomfortable, because I know they are feelings and not fact. You are doing a great job educating people and I greatly appreciate this. Love and Light.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I appreciate the kind words. These sound like helpful reflections. I'm reminded of how important it is to unpack these beliefs we have about ourselves. This is a topic that comes up in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. I welcome you joining us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

Most commentators tell you to change your focus to something else in order to avoid obsessive thoughts. But the problem is obsessive thought hijacks your ability to focus. If one could simply focus on another topic, the thought pattern wouldn't truly be of obsessive. Alan's approach is not so much to shift focus to something else, but to focus more deeply on the trigger or deep source of the obsession. Brilliant.

Here is What I did... When I was going through my divorce and other situations that I was devastated , I would record myself every day stating the way I was feeling . All the rumination and playing the same story in my head over and over and trying to find answers and obsessing and bla bla bla . So now , if something bad happens , I go back to the recordings and have them as evidence that everything will pass and today I’m just fine . I went through hell but I survived when I though I wouldn’t . So whatever I’m going through in the present shall also pass like it did in the past . I have prove and I even laugh when I hear the stuff I recorded it .

Why do we need that other person to acknowledge our feelings, to say they're sorry? It drives me crazy. He didn't really hurt me, he just let go. And it's so overwhelming.

@gregorywebster6640

2 жыл бұрын

Uranija I hope you moved on with a positive life. I hope I do.

@sierrah506

2 жыл бұрын

@@gregorywebster6640 I wish you the best

Despite of great therapists, psychiatrists and research... This gentleman is the FIRST person who can fully describe my mental challenges. Thank you!

Of the hundreds of videos I have watched. This one has helped me the most. This is the real deal, and I wish Alan was my therapist. He gets it, and it almost feels like he’s stepping into your life or situation when he speaks. Great work Alan. You’ve helped a lot of people.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

6 жыл бұрын

Thank you.

@amariel6250

5 жыл бұрын

Could not agree more. Thank you Mr. Robarge. You're shedding light on something that a few people talk about with so much intelligence and compassion. Putting back the power to change into my hands, not into the hands of others.

@janparish8055

5 жыл бұрын

I agree! A brilliantly articulate explanation of how to handle obsessive thinking. Helped me clarify what I was doing to myself, and to work with the emotions to self-heal. Thank you so much Alan Robarge!

@erinsylv2098

4 жыл бұрын

Jeff W me too. All his videos are spot on.

@isacece1334

4 жыл бұрын

I have watched video after video of Mr. Robarge during the quarantine and now after, to help with me and also to understand why my last relationship failed... It's amazing when you get an ah-ha moment. I cannot believe how some of the videos is like he's actually talking exactly about me, my thoughts my obsessions, why he didn't call how I try to fix and think the partner will change...it's so unbelievable. Tells me I'm not the only one with these thoughts but also makes me have a lot of respect for the insight and talent of the therapist.... thank you Mr Robarge!

As an Anxious Attachment/Fearful Avoidant. This is stunning and completely accurate. It is traumatizing to sabotage something you know had real potential due to your own insecurities. And then dealing with the PTSD of not finding a solution to fix the problem that you created. The looping is unreal. It is beyond immeasurable. Breathe. Feel. Remember. Process. Let go. Move on.

@s.r.4029

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you. I was wondering how my ex feels. She is the anxious avoidant.

@s.r.4029

2 жыл бұрын

And as of the problems she created weren't bad enough she jumped into dating other people 3 weeks later after our very tumultuous passionate 2 yrs together.

This guy tells it exactly like it is. So insightful. Makes me feel validated and not that I must be defective.

@Megan6772

3 жыл бұрын

You are valid, there is nothing wrong with you ❤️

Yeah, I did ruminate so much about 'what went wrong', or 'how did this happen?'. Added so many new 'layers', like you said, making it worse for myself. It seems like i cant be free, I 'tell the story' over & over to try & resolve it.

@MadameX_

4 жыл бұрын

Yes I feel disrespected and dismissed. After being treated like I’m it, the one and only, special, loved. It’s so sad and painful. And confusing.

Wow you kinda blew my mind with that last part. I never thought of obsessive thinking as a way of not dealing with the feelings that were wanting to come up. Thanks for helping and being a positive human being.

@davidmoore5004

4 жыл бұрын

So what do we do about it?

@Living187

3 жыл бұрын

Step back and let the emotion come. Let the story go. Feel the pain.

I find myself listening to Alans videos over and over again -- so much that needs to sink in, and so much to learn. Thank you Alan for opening up windows for me.

@KarmasAbutch

5 жыл бұрын

AsSeenOnTV I do! Tell me more...

For me, the worst feeling is feeling disrespected. I just say I feel disrespected, then withdraw. I was disrespected by my mother all through my life. In my adult relationships I just retreat now and let myself feel my whole body feel heavy. I lie down and cuddle my cats. I know the feeling will pass, but I withdraw now. I let myself cry if I need to. I realise that the present-day trigger is about disrespectful behaviour I suffered as a child. It still hurts though. But now I say to the person how I feel, that I feel hurt. I also cry in front of people now. I don't hide my emotions anymore.

@Mushroom321-

5 жыл бұрын

👏 happy for you.

@MariGolds2

5 жыл бұрын

I can really relate to this comment. I still don't cry in front of people though. The thought of being that vulnerable and someone not caring really gets to me. And yeah, I just realised that happened a lot when I was a kid. I got grilled ( interrogated ) to reveal my vulnerability and then shamed for crying and laughed at because my face screwed up when I cry and sometimes I just got told to shut up when I cried. I never even cried that often.

@cjennings6179

5 жыл бұрын

Mothers that have been disRespectful. Train their OFFSPRING kids in that BEHAVIORS also. They were NOT TAUGHT MANNERS. They were beaten mentally Emotionally for everything.

*_Don't miss her- miss who I 'thought' she was._*

@isacece1334

3 жыл бұрын

Sooooo true!! I feel for you, and I feel the same... I wound up telling him in the end, "I know it's over but I got to tell you I like the phoney you that you were the first three months... I don't like the real you. He tried to be funny to my statement and said "Well, I can call him if you want me to" They just don't take it seriously.... they don't understand the level of hurt

@antoinefillion-mariage6975

3 жыл бұрын

We miss the idea of them yes. We miss the future we had with them in our head . We miss how they made us feel. In the end we miss us how we were more than them.

@KishBish

3 жыл бұрын

that part!

@KishBish

3 жыл бұрын

I miss who I thought he could become! silly of me..

@isacece1334

3 жыл бұрын

@@antoinefillion-mariage6975 You mean how we invested more than them? God knows I did that and I won't do that again

Wow. Actual tools not just campfire ghost stories. Thank you

@guitawrizt

5 жыл бұрын

It takes monetized 'hate' out of the equation.

You are a treasure trove, a gold mine of insight. I am consistently amazed at how perceptive, insightful, elegant and delicate you are with your explanations. Yes, this resonates immensely. You are a gift in my life. I am very grateful to have found you.

@hildebergman

7 жыл бұрын

AfterThis OurExile , I love this comment, it is like you have taken the words out of mouth :)

@natalierachellouisesantana

5 жыл бұрын

Ditto!!

@kurtemus

2 жыл бұрын

Exactly

@danielak7204

2 жыл бұрын

Yeppp

@2WOKE-

9 ай бұрын

Well said! He's gold

i felt my GF did nt love me. Because I felt it, I believed it. I was wrong of course. Now I realize that i have to work through these exact issues. Often our strong feelings are NOT fact.

Every time you mention the mind churning and looping, it makes me crack up for some reason. It's SO true and it makes me feel so pathetic :( I wonder how people without attachment trauma feel about a break-up...

@GMH9765

4 жыл бұрын

ViNtAgELovv11 Yeah, I cant even imagine

@isacece1334

3 жыл бұрын

How do they feel? Like this...."Next!"

@going-easy

3 жыл бұрын

@@isacece1334 lol...but "next" could also be a sign of attachment trauma.

@isacece1334

3 жыл бұрын

@@going-easy for them?

@going-easy

3 жыл бұрын

@@isacece1334 I mean ppl who jump from one 2 next.

Thank you. Yes the mind wants to make the pain go away by figuring out a reason or going over the story. It's like my mind is in panic mode bc of the intense pain and thinks it can change what happened by replaying the story. The mind won't surrender or accept the loss. I appreciate you making this video. How can I be kind to myself? Wonderful approach 🙏

@afterthisourexile6542

7 жыл бұрын

that is it exactly, thinking the mind can change what happened by replaying the story...the refusal to surrender and ACCEPT THE LOSS. Whoa, crazy but true that is what my mind is doing, too.

@shereckasmith9779

6 жыл бұрын

Sunflowershowers a

@lisamichelle8413

5 жыл бұрын

Tree seer very well put ... I feel the same xx

@carolinelever388

5 жыл бұрын

Be kind yourself.....by treating yourself like you would a loving child or a pet. 🙏

@crystalfatteicher3812

4 жыл бұрын

@@Alphacentauri819 love that!💗

This definitely falls into line with the epiphany I had that i can talk to so many people but only I can make the decision or solve the problem. When you realize that the solution, the acceptance, can only come from inside YOU! Good to vent to those you can trust but the solution IS within YOU.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Kelly, yes, the solution is within you. I like to say, "never follow those that think they have it all figured out." Only we know our own unique experience. Only we know what we need. We can ask for guidance, support or advice, but ultimately we are in the driver's seat making the decisions. This is one of the core practices I promote in the community I created, Improve Your Relationships. Our community culture is influenced by the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing. This perspective supports the distinction that by design we are not a mental health support group. We are a learning community. We each are responsible for ourselves and must define our own healing path. Start your weekly healing planner by joining us: www.alanrobarge.com/community

@shirleyjones2754

8 ай бұрын

Alan Robarge is teaching me how to dig into my feelings and be kind and gentle to myself. Thank you.

This is so spot on...the looping story always leads me to be "right" and build a resentment. The distortion of reality frequently leads me to assume the worst and add that to the story. Great info on this topic. Thank you for doing what you do!

So very true... Thank you very much. I gave up going to therapists, because they didn't do anything to help me. This video helped to interrupt the rumination...I now realize that I'm distorting reality when trying to make sense of it. One moment I'm collecting evidence about how it's my fault, a moment later it's his fault... One moment he is the amazing person he was for 3 years and the other moment he is evil and everything was a lie. The problem is that I remember almost every conversation we had in the past three years so I'm going through all that...But now you gave me hope that I can go through this.

@beyza-rt8xq

Жыл бұрын

how are you right now

@rosenblau

Жыл бұрын

@@beyza-rt8xq Pretty bad. We got back together. I thought that he changed. Three years later I'm finding out about all kinds of lies and deception. Also finally found an explanation for all of it. Basically he has covert narcissistic traits. It's all starting to make sense and I am trying to process it. Still not able to break free, but getting there. I realize I was gaslit and I am focusing on myself more and what makes me happy. Thank you for asking.

@beyza-rt8xq

Жыл бұрын

@@rosenblau oh im sorry how things worked out for you but at least now you know definitely he is not the one for you. im experiencing the same problem but i was the one who left him and i would still never go back to him despite my exhausting situation. Because i know i cant be fixed in the same place that ive broken. It was my first relationship that just lasted 3 months but the post breakup has been 7 months as the exact same time ive known him. This video really opened my eyes because i didnt fully process my grief and i really lack meaningful relationships and my life is so boring rn lol. So i think at the end its all about focusing on your own needs and your future. keep going! we can do this 💗

@rosenblau

Жыл бұрын

@@beyza-rt8xq thank you so much and wish you the best!!❤

@annamae4042

11 ай бұрын

@@rosenblau I'm so sorry that you went through this. It really is despicable when someone can choose to undermine our faith in our own misgivings, make us feel like we were flawed in our hypervigilance when really there was cause. I wish you great healing in coming back to yourself. Loving ourselves is surely the greatest

Drop the story line, looping... activated fear...triggering a feeling a painful feeling state so we ignore our own experience then shift back to the storyline in the attempts to avoid discomfort. There is value to the details but if we don't have the details, we "loop" our thoughts. We need to drop the story and come into a feeling state...(what are you feeling) then you make it then you name it. That leads to direct acceptance.

I'm not struggling with my feelings... I'm struggling to figure out what the heck went wrong...i know what my feelings are but not what to do with them

@brezhnev89

3 жыл бұрын

This is a good one. I also thought about it. And looks like this question doesn’t even make sense because nothing went wrong, you were just being yourself. Sometimes another person has their own underlying unresolved issues with their lives and they need time to heal it. What helped me is to thank what we had, to remember beautiful moments and keep that in our heart as a warm memory. And keep moving forward, improving ourselves, grow.

@KB1983.

3 жыл бұрын

same here I don't get it everyday she chooses to be with a severely mentally unstable/dangerous man

@oldtruckersneverdie3916

3 жыл бұрын

❤️

I'm 60 and have been looping over conflicts all my life. I have lost entire weekends looping about a minor incident at work, for example. Thank you so very much for explaining how to break the cycle and heal. Now it's time to put it into practice!!

This makes so much sense. I just went through a divorce that I did not want to happen and I was examining all the behavior I could see and interpreting it and inventing stories and narratives. And I'm still doing it too...

This was super helpful. Alan, have you considered making these videos into an audio podcast? I was listening to the video in my car, it would be nice to listen to them all while I drive. In any case, thank you so much.

Your channel is a godsend to me. I'm dealing with so much right now and doing the therapy and medication thing for anxiety, depression and PTSD, but in between my sessions your videos are changing my life and the way that I think. I cannot thank you enough for sharing this content on KZread. I know you are helping so many, like myself.

When I hear start placing blame on another person, I stop myself and start to self reflect and change my attitude or perspective exc..whatever is needed in the situation.

It is just so weird that a man from the other side of the world knows you better than you know yourself 👏 Millions and billions of thank yous from me Alan, you have helped me more than you could ever imagined 💜💜

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate the feedback. Glad to hear this content resonates so deeply for you. Thank you for valuing my work. If you are not subscribed to the channel, please do. Thanks for commenting. Also, just wanted to share since you like this content, and you may have already heard about the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community But this is the type of content we explore in the community. I welcome you joining us as a member.

This is exactly who I am and what I'm going through right now and I didn't know that it was common enough that someone would make a video about it. I think a lot of us are inflicted with this particular Obsession of the narrative. I know I am. Thank you for helping.

Extremely helpful. I am so high intelligent and at the same time have this emotional gap in self regulating and dealing with difficult feelings and now I got how I can manage my experience in a productive way and comforting rather then create more tension or even self hate by not accepting or not acknowledging feelings and to simple be with them and offer that it is not necessary truth the conclusion I make up. I wonder how it will look like in practice. Basically I got to take a deep breath and accept and support myself. I can't wait to practice that. The difficult feeling show up in the relationship with a man that I badly want to be and he may not be available and I am so judgmental him but mainly how I am not lovable, not worth actually I didn't identify the feeling by I could experience being totally hooked. Painful reaction. Almost self intoxication.

I'm a 56 yr old woman finally getting it with these videos!!! Thank you!!! It feels so good to be understood:)))

It's like you go deep down and start unlocking things that were always there you didnt notice and when you see it you hold it and go why am i holding this so long and are unable to break the chains, but its a slow process and takes patience and work to keep those chains broken. Eventually the chains will slowly start breaking but you definitely have to get deep down in the roots and rip them out.

@lailamnn2328

3 жыл бұрын

True

This video makes me realize that I actually don’t know how to soothe or be kind to myself in the process Alan describes here. I have tried all other steps before, but without the self soothing the panicky state seems to keep building... Any video’s on that?

@GMH9765

4 жыл бұрын

Mandarin Tomato I feel exactly the same.

Alan, you are amazing. Thank you so, so much for explaining the various hurricanes that sweep through and often take up residence in my head in such fine-tuned, explicit detail. Every word seems so thoughtfully chosen and eloquently explained. Your videos are intensely packed with such intricate detail that they paint a picture one feels the urge to revisit a number of times in order to gain more and more understanding. However, from the get go you speak with such exact precision and high definition. I didn't think anyone could know my mind better than me but here I am nodding my head vigorously at the screen. Thank you for connecting all the dots for me, helping me to see the whole picture and explaining what to do thereafter. Wishing you all the best.

@suseamee9584

7 жыл бұрын

I have to agree Sophie, Alan is the only person I have ever listened to who has made sense of what Iv gone through. Amazing videos and so so helpful x Thank you Alan

This is the best video on the web about this topic.

I take a breath n say my feelings aren’t facts, then positive affirmations.....he’s so on point, when you grab awareness of your mind trying to protect you by looping you’ll gain control

@guitawrizt

5 жыл бұрын

Spot on Angelica.

Dont ever take these down !!! Its so life saving so much help from this to help me understand and heal !!! Thank you !! I am binge watching all of them daily in the evenings and im already feeling much more in control

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you for the supportive comment! I'm glad to hear you're receiving benefit from my videos. Thank you for valuing my work. Yes, many people can relate with this, which is why I created the community, Improve Your Relationships. We benefit from each other's healing. You're invited to come check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community Also, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution and/or checking out my course. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality content. Click on the links to learn more: Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz Check out the Community, Improve Your Relationships www.alanrobarge.com/community Make a direct donation www.alanrobarge.com/donate Thanks again for letting me know the video was helpful.

I love how detailed your videos are . I have been dealing with the loss of what I feel is the love of my life. Someone I feel and know I could never replace. I will do my best to put into practice what you have said and try to catch myself. I feel like I have accepted that story that I tell myself that I will never be happy again, I feel sometimes that nothing is worth it without him, or that nothing is worth experiencing or enjoying if I cannot share those experiences with him, but I have told myself that if that's how it should be then it shall be that way, which is sort of liberating I guess even though it isn't ideal. I also feel that feeling of worthlessness or "not being enough" which in retrospect seems not to make sense because at one point I seemed to be more than enough, when we were still together. And remember feeling like I was the best fit for him. It is odd just how quickly and rapidly being broken up with can destroy all the positivity and happiness and sense of self-worth and respect you have spent your lifetime teaching and giving yourself. It is so true that your brain is constantly looking for ways to distract you from the TRUMENDOUS and COLOSSAL pain that is in you. A part of me is afraid that even if I do cry enough, or if I do let myself feel everything, it still won't go away. But I guess that's another " story "...

@kimsikorski5691

7 жыл бұрын

Christina V I know where your coming from. it's been 2 yrs and I still have bad days. But I have more good days then bad days. My story is a little more complicated but I believe if I knew the truth i could heal. It's the not knowing that I believe that keeps us stuck. I hope you are able to move on as I do for me also. I just wish I has someone that was a professional to talk to that understood things and could help me figure out if things that he said to me were real or just trying to scare me. But my gut tells me they were for real and that is why it's been so hard to let go. I know I'm not making much since but that's because I can't write certain things. thank you for your comment because you seem to feel like i feel.

@Misslotusification

7 жыл бұрын

Check out Pia Mellody video on how your self-worth does NOT fluctuate or depend on your life circumstances - how people consider you.

@Misslotusification

7 жыл бұрын

p.s.: "Who would you be without your story?" Check out Byron Katie.

@markc5771

7 жыл бұрын

My ex was a manipulating liar. She presented one person to me that was totally not who she was. It turned out that she was very promiscuous. So I'm constantly running into men that she slept with who are in my social circle. Now because I loved her so deeply, this crushes me into a state of total inadequacy. What do I do about this storyline?

@latindancedj

6 жыл бұрын

Christina V feel you 100%! Even after so many years

This guy's wonderful. So concise, and he so gets the emotion behind it all. Amazing stuff.

This is a brilliant interpretation. It's how crazy we can create a story to scare ourselves and push people away. When I am triggered by my own version of stories, I would look for validation from external source and forget to look within. The discipline is vital as you said. Thank you so much.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Good insight. You have good clarity. Glad you are finding benefit from the content. You're welcome.

Precisely!! I have watched so many videos about this topic and all the other videos don’t really describe this correctly. Thank goodness for your video! I have been looping for over a month now and cannot afford to lose anymore productive time to this. Thank you for identifying the core issue and for the suggested fix!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

11 ай бұрын

This experience sounds challenging, empathy to you. Glad the videos are helpful. Thank you for valuing my effort. If this video is helpful then you may also benefit from taking part in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It can be helpful learning with others who are also learning. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

Learning how to pull oneself out of the story, learning how to drop the narrative, learning how to find comfort in the discomfort Boy, you are so deeply knowing Alan!!! P.xx

You are a gift to humanity! 🙏🏻💕 Thank you!

I binge watch the heck out of your videos. They have changed my life more than any therapy session has. Thank you x1,000,000

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad you liked the video. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

You are brilliant !!! Thankyou for teaching your fantastic insight and understanding xx

Thank you again Alan! You can't imagine how much you have helped me.

You have such a knack for explaining things in a calm way that’s easy to understand

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

I appreciate that feedback. Thanks for valuing my efforts to offer explanation. Glad this is helpful. If this content is helpful and you'd like to learn more about how this behavior gets set up then you may like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Thats me ! ... im looping over nothing ! Glad to hear this .. very concise . Thankyou x

I enjoy how you get into detail about the thinking process, behind the illusion and the disillusion. That's exactly what I need at a time like this 👍.

Alan, i spent 11 years in SLAA and you have made me understand Love addiction in 30 minutes. Your a God! Thank you the world needs this. NOW

i have been finding your videos to be the most helpful of any on this platform. i was going to actually search for a coping technique... and this popped up in recommended out of the blue - it was spot on what i was looking for without even knowing the words to really describe it. i've been sharing your videos with others - your approach is so helpful because you speak the same words we all say inside, and you give sollutions, not just reasons. has been really life-changing for me

You are truly amazing. Your insight is incredible. You seem to know EXACTLY how I'm feeling. It's comforting that someone understands.

You are an incredible teacher. Thank you for doing these videos.

Blown out of the water by the insight into myself that I have gained already from watching these videos. Thank you Sir for posting them. Much love and respect from Australia.

Feel the feeling, drop the story. Sage advice, thank you Alan.

You have no idea how helpful your videos have been to me ... I have for the past 6 months read books (Eckard Tolle, Wayne Dyer, Abraham Hicks, Michael Singer, etc ...) have also watched self help videos ... many of them ... and really, you were the one who made me see the whole picture and now know I can get out of the looping my brain and heart have been in. All though I am dealing with someone who there is a big chance is a narcissist ... this video and others of yours have really helped me! So much detail! Amazing! Thank you so much!

This is incredible, so glad to find this, I do all of this and I’m sabotaging myself

This video is telling my story! Its like you are in my head. Wow, I'm so grateful to you for making this and being willing to share your knowledge.

you are a true professional mate. i have watched this after the break up a while ago but this time i am taking it in after the grief has subsided. thank you :)

wow that was so incredibly useful thank you! Separating the 'storyline' from my core feeling has allowed my to identify it more accurately and now I feel I can work on fixing the feeling and not the story. Thank you so much.

I didn’t know I needed this channel until I watched this video. Thank you I hate having obsessions over that other person. I remember telling that other person that I keep thinking about him and he told me that it was good that I keep thinking about him, and tbvh it feels more frustrating rather than a pleasurable experience. Thank u

Accurate and helpful beyond belief. Thank you x

Thank you for the work you do, and the generosity and kindness with which you do it. Your videos are hugely helpful to me. Thank you.

I am deeply grateful for your videos. The way you share this knowledge in a clear and compassionate manner is simply priceless.

i can't thank you enough for sharing this information freely. like others have said i keep returning to your videos. I also really appreciate your no nonsense, no coddling approach. Thank you for all you give to the world.

Wow this information is 100 percent correct! Thank you 😊

I love all your clips, but this one is incredible! I am lucky to have mentors who have talked for years about 'dropping the story' but I have never heard anyone tell us what to do with the feelings. The detailed instructions on how to bring it back over and over and self love is simply wonderful. Thank you so much Alan!

Very enlightning video indeed. Probably the most usefull I've seen on the topic to date. There's so many videos out there explaining what attachment styles are in theory and where it stems from, but truth be told, once that understanding has settled with you, you are in a dire need of someone providing some tools in how to concert that from rational understanding into emotional practice. This video did so. Thank you Alan

Alan, chock full of info and practical solutions! Thank you, I could’ve saved myself a lot of angst.

This is gold. Thank you Alan.

So very helpful! I've been there so many times. Along with the video you did on becoming unavailable, this makes total sense. Having someone describe these patterns is life-changing. Thank you for putting this out.

Thank goodness for people like you.

This is so helpful! My therapist attempted to explain this to me but I didn’t understand what she meant…but now I get it! 🙏🏻

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Glad this video speaks to you. Thank for the feedback and thank you for valuing my effort. This topic also comes up in our conversations in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. You're invited. www.alanrobarge.com/community

So amazingly insightful. I do this distortion of reality and it’s so hard to stop. Checking in with how I feel helps so much. ❤️❤️❤️

Old video but timeless wisdom. I was doing no contact in hopes they would come back. Now I realize that I am doing no contact because they aren't coming back and I'm all that I can affect. I'm depressed, but moving forward, I'm doing therapy twice a week, and I'm taking better care of my body.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 ай бұрын

Glad this video spoke to you and thank you for sharing your experience. Going no contact can be painful and so many of us can relate with your story. I remember when we mentioned this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. It's so affirming when others understand. We learn so much from each other. Thanks again for the comment. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

@jaydub7386

3 ай бұрын

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma You are welcome. I’ve gone to the beginning of your channel to watch your earlier videos; they’re a huge help and give me hope for my future. Thank you for all of your work. It’s helped me and more people than you know.

Love this video so much! It skills be played in high schools to help prep people early with how to handle intense emotional hijacking.

This is the best description and technique I have ever been given. This is truly outstanding advice for those of us who get completely stuck in the story. Talk about self sabotage. Thank you.

This is exactly what I've been going through, and couldn't find a way to break my pattern, couldn't recognize the "triggers" that sent me on this narrative in my head. So well spoken and explained. Thank you!

You are a brilliant man. I am busy healing from my wounds just by listening to your advice

I just did this very thing today! Perpetuating my own panic with layering the story and judgement!! Aaargh!!!

Completely bang on. Your work and simplicity of words are powerful, useful and most definitely understandable. The work you do will help me as well as my clients. The 'story' is where I sometimes get stuck and doing the work is so important in order to catch myself. Thank you for being a path and a light!

Thank you so much for this video, it was an eye opening for me. I felt like a big bagaje came off me. And I can see things from another perspective. I feel free now

You have truly tapped into your calling!

I struggle with this. So much value in how simply you explain complex trauma. Working on self evaluation and healing.

I really needed to hear this, especially today. I'm grateful for your videos, thank you 🙏

Thank you SO much. You're amazing to offer all of this insight for free!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

That's wonderful that you found this video helpful. Thank you for valuing my work and the effort it took to create them over the course of 2.5 years. I'm glad this one is of benefit to you. Please consider showing your support for the value offered by checking out the Sustaining Supporter page where you can commit to a donation for my channel. New content and new videos are in the works. Thanks for the comment. www.alanrobarge.com/donate

This is gold!!!!

Alan, can't thank you enough for your videos!

Everything is making sense now with knowledge of learning from experience from others. I was love blinded. For the first time in my life I thought this was the one. Boy was I wrong

Can’t thank you enough for your awareness and sharing of such great insight! This really helped me!!!!❤️

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Diana, Thank you for valuing my material. I’m glad this one resonates with you. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Thank you so much with coming out with videos of this type of topic. This really helped me understand and made me honest about my own obsessive actions that I have been pulling on my boyfriend. I have a huge problem with all the actions you mentioned in this video and you're techniques are extremely helpful

I’ve never heard anyone talk about this before. So helpful!

Oh. My. God. Amazing. Thank you.

Thank you for this video. I haven't found any other explaining it in this depth

This is some real insight into pain and thought loops. You have a genuine understanding of the process. I appreciate that a lot and don't see it often enough in most other therapists. Thank you for this video and for the rest of your work. I've subscribed :)