"Lots of people are dying horribly, yet the music suggests that the Smurfs are going berry-picking."

In 1982 at age 12 I saw this movie 6 times in the theater (twice on the first day!), and loved it so much I did a comic book adaptation of it -- from memory -- using simplistic cartoon figures and parody names like "Melon" (for Talon), "Fuchsia" (for Xusia) and "Banana" (for Bellana). The best gag in the whole book was when our shoddily-wigged protagonist Melon, instead of saying "I have a debt to pay", said: "I have a dead toupee." I just about fell over on the spot, giggling at my own 12-year-old comedic genius. Compared to that now-lost comic-book parody (which I called "Tha Sord and Da Sorcererer"), these guys are a close second.

@karnerblue7658

3 жыл бұрын

I think I’d rather read your comic than actually watch this movie. 😜

@manicpixiefangirl4189

2 жыл бұрын

I would pay real money for that comic! 🤣

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

Your parents let you watch this at 12?

@noahhenson1669

2 жыл бұрын

@@fromthecheapseats7126 In the early 80s, older kids had little to no trouble getting into R-rated movies by themselves. I would spend all day at the theater watching the likes of Halloween II, Conan the B, The Thing, etc.!

@cory6266

6 ай бұрын

NGL your writing sounds better than 90% of Hollywood comedies these days.

The music reminds me of a great line of the MST3K "Mac and Me": "I want to see the movie the composer thought he was doing the music for."

@Montaq_

3 жыл бұрын

I bet it's "pretty nice"

@TerrenceNowicki

3 жыл бұрын

Mac And Me was scored by the same composer who did the Back To The Future series and Predator... AFTER he made those scores, even!

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

I thought the same thing about “Godzilla” (1998).

I saw this in the theater when it came out. Everyone who didn't leave had a hilarious time.

The cracks on the swords are just great. "Aha, my sword also has laughably concealed technology that wouldn't really work if you think about it for a second!" "Also, I'm basically Wolverine at this point."

@JamaicanCastle

4 жыл бұрын

I'd pay good money to see the scene where Q explains the swords.

@leonardobueno8456

3 жыл бұрын

What is more interesting if you watched this movie it is although all the highlight which that three-bladed-monstrosity-sword receives in the the end that tiny armblade was far more useful.

this movie has officially beat _Hobgoblins_ for the "movie that i most want to see the hero of die horribly" record

@cremetangerine82

3 жыл бұрын

That and Deathstalker are high up on the list.

@JamaicanCastle

3 жыл бұрын

@@cremetangerine82 I think Deathstalker is more obnoxious than Talon (no mean feat!) but Talon is a worse person.

@choosecarefully408

2 жыл бұрын

Every Nicholas Cage movie too. Not because of the characters necessarily though...

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

Throw in every Steven Seagal movie, and a good chunk of Tom Cruise’s movies as well (though not “Edge of Tomorrow” for obvious reasons).

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

Don’t forget “Warrior of the Lost World.”

"Who this a$$hole?" made me spit my coffee out. Only to laugh even harder at the "Late for AARP cosplay orgy." Day improved and only minutes into the video. Bring forth Mopey Dilweedicus!

You got ONE sword I got THREE blades!

@laurallewien2165

2 жыл бұрын

It was a buy one get two free special!

@Mattteus

2 жыл бұрын

@@laurallewien2165 I think you need a well done New York strip steak and some J&B

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

@@Mattteus That’s what was served at Cromwell’s wedding.

@Mattteus

2 жыл бұрын

@@fromthecheapseats7126 I guess that’s what to expect when you have a Guy from Harlem do your catering.

@typacsk

Жыл бұрын

Did anyone else read that in BONESAW'S voice?

Repressed memories from long ago just resurfaced, thanks a lot. On a serious note, I watched this for the first time when I was 4 years old and honestly wasn't sure if some of these scenes were a dream or a real memory.

We are here today to mourn the passing of Blast Hardcheese. What can one say about his uncanny ability to fit into a uniform that was originally tight on a much smaller man? Or how he married Captain Santa Clauses grandma daughter and the two gave birth to an 8 and a half pound pork roll. Truly the world is lesser without him in it.

@demonkingbadger6689

2 жыл бұрын

I mainly remember how he yelled "YAahh"

@riceymartin2203

2 жыл бұрын

What did he pass?

@BeeDub57

2 жыл бұрын

That MFer isn't even dead.

@sixgunshauna3486

2 жыл бұрын

@@riceymartin2203 A stone from all the weight-gain powder he took.

So this is interesting. Kathleen Beller (the princess lady) has been married to Thomas Dolby ("She Blinded Me With Science"), since shortly after this movie came out. It looks like she was in the music video for his song "I Love You Goodbye," which was pretty good but didn't get much airtime.

This was one of my favorite movies when I was young; we'd rent this on VHS and enjoy riffing it ourselves. I can only imagine what fun the Rifftrax crew must have had.

"They threw me in there five years ago!" "Yeah, I see why. Get back in there!"

I'm sitting here laughing out loud. This is great

7:03 The fact that even the Rifftax guys groaned at this joke is what makes it hilarious 😂😂😂

"This is where Tara Reid keeps her discarded layers." Nice! :D

I enjoy the more adult humor and even mild swearing that peppers the boys' riffs now that they don't have to worry about corporate executives.

@DavidLLambertmobile

9 ай бұрын

Who's this a**hole??? Funny!

The funny thing about the sequel hook at the end is that this movie actually grossed almost as much as the same year’s “Conan the Barbarian,” and it did so on 1/20th the budget, so it was actually a financial success. A sequel would have been entirely plausible.

@leffa1

Жыл бұрын

Now there is a sequel!

Lots of MST references in this one Mike calls guy Roll Fizzlebeef and Beef Slab body, future war reference ofc Also Mike says "My head is warm but my torso is freezing" reference to a riff from the beginning of The Final Sacrifice where the goon is in the snowy forest wearing only a wife beater and a balaclava

"get these swords unstuck" XD XD

7:18 scantily clad lady: “I want you to rescue my brother... 500 talons” Talon: “I think one talon will be more than enough”

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

I can’t believe neither Talon nor the riffers said that.

"The AARP cosplay orgy." Magnificence.

That's what I like about these ridiculous "Riff" vids...When I'm feeling a little melancholy, I grin myself to sleep.

The Riff is great, but just for the record, this is a fun film on its own too.

I have a copy of the movie on VHS still in it's original plastic wrap.

The AARP Cosplay Orgy sounds both intriguing and equally terrifying.

@danielramsey6141

2 жыл бұрын

How Exciting! Lol :D

"Mopey Dillweedicus"

"Frescaaaaa....bring it to meeeee.....Frescaaaaaa!!!!!!!!" LOL that synced up perfectly haha.

Not even a single "ODIIIIINNNN!!!" I'm sad now.

@wileyschmitt

4 жыл бұрын

Now I'm going to add a random "ODIN!!" into a video where it shouldn't be when no one is expecting it.

@AmyLSacks

4 жыл бұрын

@@wileyschmitt Gotta' give the public what it wants. [salute]

@FunkySaurb456

4 жыл бұрын

@@wileyschmitt I endore this action.

@devintariel3769

3 жыл бұрын

@@FunkySaurb456 A FRIEND?!!

@laurallewien2165

2 жыл бұрын

Hello Amy, I was waiting for one too...so I just said it, glad I'm home alone lol

‘“Hey. The Assasains Creed guy is here.”

@davincent98

4 жыл бұрын

Magneto?

@kellyweingart3692

3 жыл бұрын

“Some people really don’t want to tip their servers”

@kellyweingart3692

3 жыл бұрын

“Bring us a bucket” “Golden Corral’s new slogan”

@kellyweingart3692

3 жыл бұрын

“What do you keep Pinocchio down there,or something?”

@kellyweingart3692

3 жыл бұрын

“This is where Tara Reid keeps her discarded layers”

Although NOW its amusing. As a kid watching this at the theaters, truly scared me.

This soundtrack got played at every single D&D game we played in the 80's....Long live the CHEESE!

Happy Birthday, Dear Cromwell... Best riff ever? Could be.

To say at least one good thing about this movie, the wall of screaming faces in the beginning was legitimately creepy.

SO glad you guys did this. It's been sitting out there for years yelling "pick me! pick me!" Awesome when you're 14, horrific at, well, about any age past 14. My sword is poised!

I subscribe to you today Because man that really braught back funny memories Keep up the good work

15:20 "Your name.... Chromwall!" 🤣

incredibly personally invasive algorithms that violate my rights of privacy brought me here....

'A ferryman named Matt Foley will take you'

@ellnats

4 жыл бұрын

that's a hobbit joke isn't it?

@smittywerbinjaegermanjense9554

4 жыл бұрын

@@ellnats Damn... I remember when that joke was relevant. A character from SNL named Matt Foley...who lived in a VAN.. down BY THE RIVER!!!

@ellnats

4 жыл бұрын

@@smittywerbinjaegermanjense9554 wait a minute, ive heard of that one, down BY THE RIVER, i heard that once before

@ellnats

4 жыл бұрын

@@smittywerbinjaegermanjense9554 also to be fair, i was born in the 90s and didn't watch SNL, like at all

I'm bat man

Duke of Nooormmm!!

This is the strangest film about the English Civil War I've ever seen.

"If Matryoshka dolls were designed by GWAR."

This movie is like the Wish version of He-Man.

I paid to see this in the movies. I was drunk and with friends, so not as horrible as it would seem

Jesus, how many badly dubbed, poorly edited, horrifically acted, inane and ill-conceived fantasy epics are there? Cheers, thanks for the upload haha.

@halleck3

3 жыл бұрын

Luckily for us, a hell of a lot more. :)

@tintomara6209

3 жыл бұрын

Those aren't failings dude, those are tropes.

@TubeRudeYou

3 жыл бұрын

@@tintomara6209 I just watched "Hawk The Slayer", and yes, they are failings haha.

@ryanjacobson2508

3 жыл бұрын

I love these 80's movies. Nowadays "epic" blockbuster movies have three hour run times, massive budgets, A-list actors, and are based on established properties. Way too polished and over-produced. I'll take the ragged and goofy 80's stuff anyday.

@calypsokiosko9067

3 жыл бұрын

@@tintomara6209 So failings, then.

Golden Corral corp office called 📞 they said: KNOCK IT THE %&=* OFF! 😁

This movie killed a stuntman. Jack Tyree is remembered at the very end of this film.

RIP Jack Tyree

Talon is an even worse "hero" than Deathstalker. At least Deathstalker immediately killed the attempted rapist and didn't just saunter in while eating and then make a joke about the size of the rapist's d***. Did the director really think that was supposed to make Talon likable?

@manicpixiefangirl4189

4 жыл бұрын

Julia DeNiro To be fair though, the first Deathstalker movie had him kill a rapist only to go down on the victim right afterward. Oh yeah, that happened. 🤢

@codafett

4 жыл бұрын

Talon's problem is that he's supposed to be this amazing guy who's done all this insane stuff and apparently saved the world multiple times....but we see none of that. Guy is a massive asshole.

Robin Williams is.... Jesus of Nazareth

I am I'm half goat

15:35 I think that girl was supposed to be Talon's sister who was taken way when his family was ambushed, but they never actually say who she is so this is fitting.

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

That makes so much sense.

@dhunter1133

Жыл бұрын

Okay...I'm embarrassed to know the lore behind the movie, but it's not Talon's sister. She's the madam from the brothel where they encounter Captain Morgan - yes, that's actually the black dude's name - whom Cromwell took into slavery as a personal concubine over an unpaid debt. She meant absolutely nothing to Cromwell, which is why he said "kill everyone in the room," and didn't object to her being tortured.

@aaronkelly1762

Жыл бұрын

@@dhunter1133 I see. It's been a long time since I saw the movie, but I remembered Talon having a sister, and was wondering what happened to her, but I completely forgot about Captain Morgan.

AARP cosplay😏 lol

18:47 Shit is officially lost. XD

20:36 "If Matryoshka dolls were designed by GWAR." Or David Cronenberg.

I remember their commentaries being rentable from libraries a long time ago. I saw someone watching them once. Was this review made before the first christian bale batman movie or after because that *"I'M BATMAN"* 17:22 quote got me gud lmaoo

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

The movie is from 1982, though oddly enough it looks like it could have been made in the 90s.

lee horsley was more physical here then he was in matt houston !

18:46 crying 🤣😂

So...the sorcerer dies early in the movie? Edit: never mind, I guess?

At 15:00 it's "Big Jake" from SIDEHACKERS.

@Rileymanification

4 жыл бұрын

Ah yes, good old SIDEHACKERS where you drive weirdo motorcycle sidecars in the desert and attempt to film racing scenes.

@jimmymoss3240

3 жыл бұрын

And he killed Buff Drinklots!!! DAMN HIM.😡

@hoomanm6807

2 жыл бұрын

@@jimmymoss3240 Well, he did hit Big Jake, afterall.

Line....line....? Oh and thank you Rifftrax for including Joe Estevez, it wouldn't be a crappy movie otherwise 😀

But also a lot of laughs..😄

A GWAR reference! Best band in the universe

Yeah I mean noooo

Does anyone know the MST3k episode that is at 22:28 ?

@beatsbytheround

Жыл бұрын

The movie called werewolf. It is on KZread. Mst3k werewolf

So the chickypoo runs head long straight into a wall @ 20:56? The only other character that I can think of that could do worse than her is that Mad Max looking fella from Warrior of the Lost World.

After this guy got done with his fuel oil, they sold the excess to the Divinity series.

@demonkingbadger6689

2 жыл бұрын

If he didnt burn the stuff, he could have travelled in time to the modern world and made a fortune.

I wish I were dead. This is the best the fantasy world has offered us.

This movie is actually pretty cool!

@GroonDaRuiner

4 жыл бұрын

Marko Petkov I always thot so to bro

HAHAHA

16:05 Why is there a subliminal cut away to "Space Mutiny"??

@BenVarkentine

11 ай бұрын

Because the character just killed was played by the same actor. That's why Mike says "The death of Blast Hardcheese."

I got this title confuse with The Sorcerer and the Swordsmen. -_-

So, if he had been born in current day America his father would have named him Dollar? Unless talons are the only denomination, then he may have been called Money. I prefer the latter.

@marccolten9801

4 жыл бұрын

I Christianyou ... Bitcoin

@donaldpetkus1637

3 жыл бұрын

Johnny Cash’s family name predates credit cards.

Well----That was slightly gross!

Probably one of the more watchable bad movies they've ever done

Anyone else think that Cromwell is pretty cute?!

@karnerblue7658

3 жыл бұрын

😕

What is this? Do they comment on other movies?

@wileyschmitt

3 жыл бұрын

They certainly do :)

@wileyschmitt

3 жыл бұрын

*MST3K and Rifftrax

@karnerblue7658

3 жыл бұрын

Welcome, friend, to the world of RiffTrax! 🙂 It’s a world full of non-stop laughter. I ran across them back around 2014 and have never looked back. They’ve gotten me through so many bad times. You will love it. ☺️

Kathleen Beller!!!!!!!!!! That's where the movie starts. That's where the movie ends. All else is Hollywood waste.

The woman in this movie is cute

@wileyschmitt

11 ай бұрын

Hubba hubba!

It's actually a fun film as opposed to other drivel out in the early 80s but that aside.. NOBODY in the village noticed the guy was NAMED Talon like their freaking CURRENCY? lol

@ryanjacobson2508

3 жыл бұрын

It made good money in 1982. I don't think it's that riffable because it's fun escapism with a charismatic hero and villain.

@karnerblue7658

3 жыл бұрын

It’s not that riffable? 😐

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

@@ryanjacobson2508 Charismatic hero? Where?

@calypsokiosko9067

2 жыл бұрын

@@ryanjacobson2508 What are you talking about?

Kathleen Beller.. Wow.

Mikes voice is so different

@ryanjacobson2508

3 жыл бұрын

Dental work, perhaps? Sometimes when when a middle aged person's voice suddenly sounds a lot different it's because of dental work. Freddy Mercury refused to have his overbite corrected because he was afraid it would make his voice sound different.

@karnerblue7658

3 жыл бұрын

Well, he ain’t no kid anymore. Things change.

22:25 The kind of person who would edit this in is also the kind of person who would sleep like a coyote (nose to anus)

golden corals new slogan's are getting a bit on the nose

There is open discussion of rape, swords err i mean penises and wanton murder, but Rifftrax censor the word "shit". How peculiar.

@fromthecheapseats7126

2 жыл бұрын

I’m not a big fan of swearing, but I agree it is pretty pointless to censor profanity in an R-rated movie with graphic violence and explicit nudity.

@calypsokiosko9067

2 жыл бұрын

The bleeping noise is funny.

Rifftrax is one of the absolute worst ideas ever! Words can not describe how infuriating it is to find an old movie from when you were a kid that you haven't been able to find anywhere else only to discover it has been utterly ruined.

@wileyschmitt

4 жыл бұрын

There's always the option of watching without the jokes...

@Rileymanification

4 жыл бұрын

You really wanna watch this crap *without* the jokes?

@moebetta4224

4 жыл бұрын

What a dope.

@fantom5894

4 жыл бұрын

You're right of course. Rollergator without the riffs is a thing of beauty.

@stirnersretrowave5094

3 жыл бұрын

#ShitBoomersSay