they never give up. just never. just walk away. staying with them makes you to lose your mind.

I believe arguments with my narcissist is like a dog chasing its own tail. Nothing productive comes from it, the only thing you end up being leaving you dizzy and exhausted.

Not avoiding an argument with a narc is like not avoiding quicksand. It's so liberating to not care what they think, to realize you can't correct their distortions.

@emilyssg1220

Жыл бұрын

It is empowering to do so. It's like you are un bothered when narcissist hit below the belt.

@FriedmanSmith

Жыл бұрын

@@emilyssg1220 So empowering that you can feel sorry for their miserable condition, while you prioritize caring for yourself.

@shamnarinepersaud1942

Жыл бұрын

Agreed

@Private_Pookie

Жыл бұрын

They dont even think they just feel feel feel feel feel feel.....

Narcissists are full of pride, and have a huge ego. That’s why they never give in during an argument, and they’re always right, no matter what; even if that means they have to shift the truth around to make everything sound like it’s in their favor and they are right!!

I lived this for 20 years.

A narcissist will take you down a rabbit hole if you let them 😮😮😮!!!!!!!!!

I’m a self aware narcissist and this is why I would get triggered over the “hallway light” scenario: In that moment, I would think “I bust my butt to get ahead in life. She obviously doesn’t appreciate it or she wouldn’t be wasting my money on the electric bill. Our priorities must not line up and she doesn’t even respect me as a human being if she’s willing to waste my resources” or something along those lines. Luckily, now that I’m self aware I can recognize these feelings as a toxic intrusive process that doesn’t align with reality and I can fight against the automatic entitled feelings and calm down before I do anything ridiculous.

Definitely my ex constantly reaching for something to argue about

Yup. Depending on their job. If the narc HAS to be nice to people all day in a service field like retail, healthcare, etc. They spend all day fake smiling and fake laughing, and keeping up their image. So when they come home, they have to go completely insane to vent that frustration. My cow witch mother did it ALL THE TIME!

Only having suffered for years can you understand this, and in my case, never understood it. Your videos are exceptionally helpful, thank you.

One thing I learned about the emotional madness I went through is, never ever allow another individual to lead and control your emotions. If they are angry, rude, and disrespectful. Those are their emotions. If you respond back with the same behavior, that person is then in control of your emotions.

@bradmcewen

Жыл бұрын

That is a powerful mantra to live by. So many are easily persuaded into anothers affliction.

@Peecup

Жыл бұрын

Nicely said

@chxwv

Жыл бұрын

Easier said than done when you are dealing with a very skilled malignant narcissist

@kellye.274

Жыл бұрын

Have you ever dealt with a friend who deliberately tries to piss you off? I mean they’ll do and say things that they know that you don’t like and then they kind of smirk and laugh, and you catch them at it!!😮

@chxwv

Жыл бұрын

@@kellye.274 some what similar , I have endured a “ friend “ who whenever I was dealing with stress at work added to my stress by acting in a way that made me feel like I was talking to a wall and in a way she added to my stress as I felt like she always tried to push me off of an emotional cliff when I needed some support

Emotional toilet is spot on...all they do is projection, projection, projection...trying to tell me what my reality is...they lie, and try to pin their made up in their head reality on you like a sticker....LOL... GASLIGHTING 101.... its so exhausting!

It's almost like trying to nail water to the wall

Narcissist: Everything you say can and will be used against you in my court of law. 😅

I remember arguing with her used to make me upset while she would be perfectly calm

What you say here sounds like the way my mother and her ex-husband were, constantly giving me a hard time, painting me to a corner, beating me with an emotional baseball bat, that's how I lived as a teenager. I'm in my late 30s and I still suffer from the damage done by that now.

My mom is malignant. She’d follow me from room to room until she got her fight. It was creepy. There is no escaping a malignant. There is no grayrocking. It makes them turn violent. If you haven’t already you should do a video on this.

Arguing with them is like fighting with a pig in mud

@bradjackson78

Жыл бұрын

😂 you both get dirty and the pig loves it

Your patience will definitely be tested when trying to hold a narcissist accountable. My EX narcissist was a covert. She held all her feelings inside and talked indirectly. It's hard to discuss things with them because they either will dismiss what your saying or they will not engage all together.

I cannot even tell you how accurate this is! This is 100% my husband to the Tee! I love the way you explain things. You explain it in a way that I can understand and really get into his head and see the way he thinks.

Amen.....Constant criticism. Don't ask me to do anything, because as soon as I start doing it for you, you're going to point out how I'm doing that thing wrong.

They need the arguments. It's a form of catharsis for them from their constant uncomfortable feelings. What's interesting is how they actually seem to get angrier the calmer you are. It feels very much like they need you to flip so they can convince themselves you really are an asshole and that they were right. No point bothering to even talk to them as a result. Great channel by the way, you're quite hilarious at times too in how you explain things.

@DrPhilGoode

Жыл бұрын

This is narcissistic supply all day every day. Catharsis is often a positive activity ending in restoration. Definitely not narcissistic supply.

@DiffuseAppearance

Жыл бұрын

@@DrPhilGoode That's a good point, though many people describe beating pillows when suffering from anger as cathartic. Does that mean the activity lowers feelings of anger over time? No, the opposite is true according to research. In an ideal world catharsis, I would agree with you, has some form of restoration or resolution, but that's clearly not the way catharsis is universally understood. Certainly not by a narc anyway 😂

Narcs live behind a mask they create of their idealized self. I’m starting to realize how narc parents also create masks for their children and punish them when they stray by individuating and making different decisions in life. This fountain head source of intentional cruelty would be a great topic for a future video.

@LookingBehindtheMirror

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the suggestion. That’s an important topic.

@bradmcewen

Жыл бұрын

Kinda like caregiver created designer children falling off the pedestal. But after being contioned for so long many return to familiarity.

Your channel is I think even more astonishingly accurate than even the top narc psychotherapist channels because you not clinically trained, evverything you say could not be worded better

Your message regarding narcissistic behavior is brilliant. My response to her spontaneous chaos was to remain calm and at times compliment her. But when I remained calm, borderline silent, she had an answer for my calm demeanor. Her answer was I have ADD. I went along with it. Had mentioned to her how I may have had ADD during my childhood. The circles she ran in was mostly insane, yet at times I couldn’t stop laughing at her antics. About 95% of her rage was via email and 5% verbally over the phone. But not once did she have the courage to rage at me to my face. But those emails of us throwing the ball at one another was over the top. I will never forget when she yelled at me while on the phone with her. She yelled at me with disgust because I couldn’t read a restaurant menu. The crazy thing about her yelling and criticizing me for not being able to read the menu (due to dim lighting) was, it occurred three weeks prior to her raging at me about it. Like I said, she didn’t have the balls to yell at me to my face. But that didn’t make things easier while with her. There were so many awkward moments with her, more than good moments with her. And while everything was fizzling away , it felt like eternity until the last fizzle fizzled away. Another funny moment was when she decided to close her zoom screen so I couldn’t see her anymore. I didn’t say anything to her about her shutting off her camera. A sense of relief is how I felt.

@bradmcewen

Жыл бұрын

I got that ADD comment too. Like many other comments, she was the only one who ever said all of them. Once she said someone said I was dangerous. We knew zero people in common. Beyond the absurd is their fear when they know, you know, about Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But by then and plenty before, its time to kindly request going no contact. They really know you know then.

This is amazing content 👍

I have to say that your knowledge about the dynamics of narcissistic behavior is top notch!

Those people are crazy as h*ll

Always seeking an argument over anything. No resolution of relationship issues, no acceptable solutions, no reasonableness or rational acceptance. Anger is constant.

Easy way to deal with this is to just say no and refuse to change your position simply don't speak, or walk away. Always keep your bounties up. It took me 16 years to do this and it took her 3 months to find somebody else when I did. I just bought some headphones and put them on as soon as she started the BS. Remember .. you don't mean anything to them. You are just supply.

@Dastardly_X

Жыл бұрын

🌟 💫 🌟

@teemadarif8243

2 ай бұрын

aww

Just found podcast. Beautiful work. You have hit the nail on the narc head.!!! Every single detail, event, ect. That is what it is like to be in their cross hairs.

Oh God , just by watching this made me sick of hearing the “hallway light on” , can only imagine how bad it must feel to hear it from your partner

I felt as if I am vaccinated and going to be immune to narcissism.

This is so true! I thought to myself so many times that’s it’s not my job to regulate his emotions! He blamed everything on me, constantly starting fight over stupid crap, accusing me of this I wasn’t doing allll the time. One of the many many times he broke up with me and blocked me, he would block and unblock me constantly, one time he said “No ones gonna want you your 52, I can pull a 28 year old but I want you!” Ugh I was so disgusted. He’s 52 but looks younger and acts like he’s 15. I also look younger than my age so he can suck it, I could “pull a 28 year old too” but I want someone my age who is mature, genuine, kind and loving. So yea, I’m sure he can “pull” someone much younger than him so he can manipulate and control them easier. He said he wants a “Submissive” “Compliant” woman. He said “I want someone who is sweet and non combative” well, he had that until he pushed me into fight flight mode all the time. And that sweet non combative woman I was when I met him, ceased to exist. He ruined us, and He blamed it all on me.

The way you explain this, is a gift. Nail on the head. It resonates. Well done.

After 21 years I got my eyes opened, that I am not THE CRAZY ONE (after typing "emotional abuse" into KZread).

4:12 she feels completely justified to yell, because she has told me before, in a calm voice what I should and shouldn't do. So if I "forget", it's game on.

Wow, some of the best examples of Narc. rage and ridiculousness.

Hallway light Reminds me of my elder brother complaining about me having not totally turned water faucet off as apparently he noticed one drop trickled after I washed hands

I find your videos tremendously helpful! Thank you for the support and comfort. I learn a great deal from other channels on this complex, nightmarish journey, but your videos are the ones that make me feel the most understood. I am very lucky to have family and friends who love and support me and I feel certain that they would be open to growing their understanding of what I have been through - and it would mean so much to me and help my recovery if their understanding was more complete! But of course it feels impossible to explain. Have you created a video or could you please think about creating one that we could share with our loved ones that helps educate them about the abuse and the unique confusion, the unique pain, the unique suffering and why it takes so long to recover? Most of those close to us have only seen the mask. This recovery is so isolating and painful and it would help so much to bridge the gap for the people that really want to be there for us. Thank you so much for all you are doing - you have made a real positive difference in my recovery.

You are so spot on. Sounds like we were with the same narcissist.

Excellent analysis. They do not want resolution.

WOOHOO!!! You hit 5,000!!. CONGRATULATIONS!! 👍

@LookingBehindtheMirror

Жыл бұрын

Thanks!!

@bradjackson78

Жыл бұрын

Your channel is going to keep growing. I've watched so many of the other "big" KZreadrs who cover this topic and there are some great ones. But nobody else I've heard has your gift of explaining things. Thank you

@cyndigooch1162

9 ай бұрын

​​@@bradjackson78I totally agree with you and had to unsubscribe from a couple of extremely popular narcissism channels, for reasons I won't go into now! I've noticed that this intelligent young woman still doesn't have as many subscribers, or views, as she deserves though, so hope her channel continues to grow. 😊

U aint kidding! Thank u for your videos...very enlightening. I appreciate you, and your insight.🤗

@LookingBehindtheMirror

Жыл бұрын

Thank you! Thanks for watching!

4:23 Oh and if they ask you to turn the light off and you do it, you’re already too late because if you really loved them you would just know to turn the light off without them having to ask.

You are amazing..great video and thank you so much for helping and guiding us..God bless you

Just watched this. If EVER I had any doubt that my now ex partner is a narcissist...THIS video clarified it for me. As I listened to the presenter describe scenarios and examples in detail, it was as though she was standing in my home, giving a personal play-by-play commentary of a typical confrontation between he and I. I called it hectoring, not realizing at that time that he was a narcissist, as he would verbally hammer away at me for HOURS on end, until I, with my horrible, often crippling vestibular issues that are exacerbated by stress, would be forced to leave my own home on foot, often during the wee hours of the morning. There I would be, literally stumbling in the dark on the streets, because it would be safer than at home. Oh, I see much better nowadays 🙂 This video was excellent and I appreciate you having shared it. Armed with this knowledge and a better understanding, I feel reinforced to further distance myself from him. Thank you.

28:30 “when you lose your cool b/c they’ve provoked u so much, that helps them feel like they’re really the victim here.” 💯💯💯💯💯💯

Listening. Thank you. Grateful for all I hear here.

keep it going. you are excellent! Thank you. your insight is very validating.

Great video! I am holding in saying something to the possible narc im dating right now. He doesn't respect my boundaries. I am tired of repeating myself to him, and getting no where. If i say something, we end up fighting over it. Its been going on ever since we have been together. He cant cut the ties with his ex wife. Or won't.

Best to tell the they’re right and ignore the insults. A good answer is always “ok”. Just take care of yourself regardless of their words. You’ll never placate them so it doesn’t matter what you explain or how well you explain it.

I love my sons mother dearly. We are both narcissists. She doesn't know she is but Ive been working on my grandiose narcassism and apologizing about it before I understood what I was working on. After finding the n word, I learned shes on the covert spectrum. Almost 20 years and 1 child, I can look back and understand why we trauma bonded. Therapy helps me 3 years running. She doesnt think sheshe's wrong at anytime, so I learned how to tell her to STFU and always have hugs. She hates that, but she's always closer with the parenting side when I check her and keep it short. No love loss and she hears how much I love our son and her no matter what 💞

I don't like to argue I was Married to a Covert Narcissist and that's all she wanted to is cause arguments my daughters love to a good argument that's why they are with their mother and she has all the money and my youngest daughter lives with her and her new husband and my oldest daughter lives in her Grandma's house with her new daughter and new boyfriend that's not the biological father and my ex mother in-law just recently passed away so they have the hole house to their selfs I also live on one of my ex wife's property's that my ex wife and two sisters now owns me living on one of their property's has to do with our divorce and my ex wife is not good at property tenant magement and I can't complain because my ex wife is a Covert Narcissist and that explains everything thanks for understanding Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse Manipulation Mind Games and tactics used by Narcissists that don't know what their doing or maybe they don't know anything about Narcissism because that's why they are Narcissistic toxic People and they are targeting unexpected uneducated empaths for financial gains using unlawful communication and servants 24hrs a day Violating people's rights to privacy and making money off being a Narcissist. Thanks. GOD-BLESS.

Hi sister, you are so true about narcissist character. Really sad that they literally take us granted and treat us low. I'm so stupid who wants validation from such bloody people.

@LookingBehindtheMirror

Жыл бұрын

You’re not stupid. There’s no way we can come to understand that people like this exist until after we’ve already fallen into some of their traps.

Well that approach of agreeing with false statements is risky in custody matters. I only communicate in writing and X accuses me of things I've never, done, said or felt. If i were to agree with him, those communications would create the wrong impression to the Court. I have a slightly different approach to those by completely ignoring it, asking for his suggestion on a solution or saying I'm sorry he feels the way he does.

Avoiding😂

Great video, thanks for spelling it out.

And if you abuse them back they settle down 9 times out 10 - but just leave as quick as you can

💩 🍅 👃 Please don’t tell on me, I was joking. I swear!!! Please don’t tell mom!!! Ok I’ll apologize. I’m sorry that your video..was so short 🤣🤣 Thanks

Wondering if next time they accuse me of leaving the light on, or whatever, I should just save time by answering, "Oh, I did? Whoops. Does that make me a 'poopy head' in your book, or could you find it in your heart to forgive me, provided I don't repeat the mistake?"

@LookingBehindtheMirror

9 ай бұрын

I would just leave it at “Oops”. Because they’re expecting a fight. Or they’re expecting you to try to redeem yourself. When you just go along with what they’re mad about, they don’t know what to do.

Reactive abuse seems to required. I have trouble with that term as I believe it is an unaware reaction, not an abuse delivery. It is possibly because they know they're overreacting or do not get that discipline from a caregiver anymore. A form of attention missing. After even just dating one of these emotional manipulators it raises your awareness exponentially. In society you see totally unhinged and non sensible personal interactions. Thats the point. Unable to defend, even in the narc mind, ridiculous hypocrisy. So its back to their treasure book of traits. Whip it open and choose. Ahhh the DARVO page. Works for them every time. For them and the narcissism uneducated. For a growing mass of those who do know whats going on hmmmm, not so much. There was so many points of similar experiences in your content I lost count. In hindsight, endless patience is not self care.

@FriedmanSmith

Жыл бұрын

I understand reactive abuse to be a dysfunctional overreaction to narc toxicity. Maybe an alternate term could be narc allergic reaction, or dysfunctional overreaction.

@bradmcewen

Жыл бұрын

@FriedmanSmith Agreed. Really it is just terminology. But some uninformed could misunderstand. Even just inserting "from" or "to" between the two words would help.

@DrPhilGoode

Жыл бұрын

@@bradmcewen Reactive abuse is from you, not them. It is specifically defined as a manipulation tactic used by perpetrators of abuse to convince both the victim of abuse and others that they are the ones being abused. It occurs when the person being abused reacts strongly to the abuse they’re suffering, perhaps choosing to argue back or physically defend themselves from the person abusing them. Once they do this, the person abusing them uses it as an example or “proof” that they are actually being abused, and that the person being abused is actually to blame. Basically they do their thing and treat you horribly. Sometimes we’ve had enough and we snap back. The moment we do that the narcissist calms down and blames you for yelling etc.

They are doing this as a survival skill, remember that and then compassion can grow. It was a way for them to combat attacks as a child and when it works, they run with it. They are not aware they are narcissists that is why arguing and trying to show them will always fail. And many women die trying to escape them. Or you could just tell them to fuck off.

🙏🏻 🌟 🙏

You keep repeating "a normal person"... Oh my goodness, she is not normal, that's the point.

When you decide not to be the emotional toilet thats when they hit you with the you dont even care bs lol