Summary: 1) Popularity isn't created by attractiveness, but by how many people you like- popular people had the longest lists of how many people they like in which activated a science principle "we like people who like us". 2) Ambivalence is the killer of connection and your health, career and happiness suffer. Ambivalent people are more toxic than toxic people. 3) Don't try to pretend you're an extrovert, don't fake it until you make it - it creates hesitancy in your voice, inconsistent behavior and a terrible impression in which the other person thinks you're fake. 4) Every interaction is an experiment. When you take this approach, you'll be calmer and braver. 5) The best approach - signal "friend, not foe" with showing your hands with purposeful hand gestures, creating eye contact, and sparks questions. The best opener - you want to signal this interaction is going to be different. You set up someone's response based on the trigger you ask. Don't say "what do you do?", it signals autopilot, I don't want to invest too much in this, and I judge you on your career. Produce dopamine, the pleasure hormone, with priming - the words you use create emotions in other people. So use positive words, "I can't wait to see you on Friday", "we're going to have so much fun". Then you signal their brain to look for hits, not misses. Don't cue the person to feel depressed, anxious, sad. Conversation sparkers: "What are your personal passions?", "Do you plan a vacation?", "Wasn't this presentation great?". You don't want to talk about surface things and boring questions, but don't go to personal topics either when you barely know each other. 6) When we feel fear and anxiety, we produce a fear chemical in the people around us, and they catch and mirror it. Your emotions are contagious. Infect excitement, not anxiety. 7) Make a note of every interaction you had through the day. Average interactions create average results. 8) If you haven't seen a friend in 8 years, how would you greet them? Treat people like old friends- be verbally, physically excited. 9) Think: what emotion do I wanna infect today? Is it excitement, gratitude, calm, confidence, assertiveness? It doesn't mean you can't have a bad day or you can't feel down. Just be honest about it, apologize to the people around, and don't think about it too much. Don't hide in your house, get out, and let others infect you too. 10) Serotonin is a chemical that make us calm. High neurotics, they don't produce as much as serotonin and not as fast. And sentences like "it's all going to be fine", "there's nothing to worry about", "calm down" just stress them more. You can take care of the issue itself on your own with practical, doable solutions immediately to really take off the rock from their chest. 11) There are 6 resources to humans- status, money, love, information, goods, services. We need all of them but we have a primary one, usually it's the one we didn't get in childhood. You have to be able to ask for the main resource and recognize it from others through their complaints. 12) You can optimize parts of your personality but 35%-55% is genetic while the rest is shaped in early childhood. So don't try to change people or make them better. Just turn fights into discussions: talk about how you're wired, so you don't try to change the other person, but simply ask for your resource. For example, high openness people can say to their romantic partner "are you up to try this new restaurant or should I call my friend?". 13) The big five traits theory- openess, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism, agreeableness. It's the only personality assessment which is scientifically based. Everyone has them, it's a spectrum of high, low, or moderate. Figure out what are your trigger points and have another person take care of it so you stay calm. 14) Conscientiousness difference creates the most relationship problems. 15) Happiness: the small and daily things make you happy- not big, euphoric experiences that happen once in a while. Also, it comes from optimization of your natural personality. This feeling of control, capability and optimization creates happiness. 16) We're biased to think negatively and expect the worse. We can retrain the brain and flip it to a not necessarily positive state but neutral state. 17) A lot of pain, suffering and stress in dating comes from not asking important questions- and going after lust. Ask questions about their values, routines, preferences, religion, future goals, early on so it won't get discovered on the first fight! Avoid giving in to chemical reactions that have no real basis. 18) It's not what you say but how you say it: your tone, cadence and pitch consist of your vocal power. Keep your voice in the lowest range possible. 19) Answer the phone in the right way: speak from the outbreath, and be expressive as they are, to show you're on the same emotional page. 20) Amateur lie detectors do worse than people who don't know anything about lying. Look for leaks in incongruencies, read microexpressions and listen to your first intuition. 21) Couples that show contempt will get divorced in the next 30 years. One sided lip raise shows contempt. 22) Liars look you in the eyes more to see if you believe them. Shifty eyes show nervousness, not necessarily lying. 23) Phone has the most amount of lies. To decrease it, say it "I'm going to be taking notes and send you the full summary afterwards. Please review them and check if we got everything right". 24) In negotiation, make sure you have the downward inflection in your voice and have authorative tone. 25) Prior a meeting, practice saying the hardest things to another human, not mirror. 26) 3 different kinds of proofs: social, testimonals, media.

@seyfun1452

6 жыл бұрын

Lewis Howes Thank you for being an amazing host and interviewing gorgeous Vanessa! The school of greatness is such a great way to learn what truly matters in life :) Wish you two all the best, thank you for inspiring me!

@Perceptionsz

5 жыл бұрын

oh my God. thanks

@WE23anime

5 жыл бұрын

@@seyfun1452 ....i take it that you are a super high conscientious type....thanks for the breakdown

@seyfun1452

4 жыл бұрын

@@WE23anime absolutely right!!

@bbexy

4 жыл бұрын

@@seyfun1452 thank you!

I love this girl. She's so honest in her interactions.

@georgekurgansky5986

2 жыл бұрын

Me too lol.

@rajeshj8383

2 жыл бұрын

Is she ? I mean I like her too but I feel like she knows exactly what she must say and exactly what she shouldn't. She has mastered the art of getting into a frame of mind before entering a conversation, so the right things come out. I really like the analysis of this right frame of mind. I'd like to talk to her when she's being normal.

@adamt9069

Жыл бұрын

@@rajeshj8383 so true. I agree. But her content seems non manipulative too so she is probably a pretty good person without using her learned skills.

@goldenparachute392

Жыл бұрын

@@rajeshj8383 that makes her all the better. I can’t even count all the times Lewis interrupted and interjected and that could have easily made her lose her train of thought. But it didn’t, she still managed to bring the conversation back to the point of what she was talking about.

I love, love, loved this episode. I love how she talked about being a "recovering awkward" person. It made be laugh out loud and feel a sense of relief at the same time. It's good to know that the awkwardness will pass with practice and work. Thank you Lewis, you've really made a difference in my life and in turn my families' life.

@YET64

6 жыл бұрын

Fastlife me too

@YET64

6 жыл бұрын

Captivating face like it

@n3bie

5 жыл бұрын

for real tho, I think this is my favorite interview of all time. pretty much ever

@popipagkalou4755

2 жыл бұрын

Is there the possibility to exist friendship between a man and a woman without sex?!

@popipagkalou4755

2 жыл бұрын

Which is the line between flerting and aiming sex interraction?

The energetic flow is so organic with these two. I love it, feel like I’m hanging w friends with wonderful conversation. 🧠 ❤️ ⚡️✨

@lesleybrady3948

Жыл бұрын

I thought she was friendly flirting at some points 😂😂😂.. but it was respectful whatever it was 😂 Xx

@goldenparachute392

Жыл бұрын

I thought Lewis interrupted her sooooo much. She’s so goood! It didn’t even phase her and she would stay on course.

I watched this interview twice it was so good! This girl is incredibly smart, resilient, and confident. I actually enjoyed observing her so much! She is such a positive role model for other girls and people in general. Such good points she makes. Was so glad to have found this. Absolutely loved the way you both interacted together as well. Also love how confident Lewis is. I never realised how hot he was before I watched the way he acts in this video.

I love how you talked about being friends with everyone in high school. That was me. I dressed in a way that I could meld in with any group. On my 18th birthday I stressed out because I had a few friends in each group and back then, the groups did not like each other. My mom said, "They are your friends, so they will have something in common." For 1989, it was the most bizarre party. Jock guy talking to nerdy girl. Headbanger talking to cheer leader. Goth talking to prep boy. Like I wish I had taken video of my 18th birthday party. I could have made it into a weird movie.

@andin916

Жыл бұрын

Same 😂 always a random mix with me

@cynthiaevelynsolis3461

Жыл бұрын

Are u a Libra by chance ? Lol 😂

@sonnyecho9195

Жыл бұрын

Awesome you were and are a bridge builder how very cool and super powery is that!?!? That is a great story when you can appreciate the beauty in each and not be limited to a particular clique, I just think that’s great.

Her smile is stunning

Love how she explained how to be a better partner in a relationship by understanding if they're more or less neurotic and how to reassure them with what they need! Thank you, Lewis!!!

I love their chemistry. This is one of the first interviews where I felt they acted like it was just the two of them talking.

The School Of Greatness is really providing the type of education a lot of us wished they`ve had in the traditional educational system. It`s such a pleasure to watch you manifesting this vision that you had with SOG, Lewis. Love your interviews!

I saw you at Chalene's marketing impact a couple years ago and found your story so inspiring and memorable. So much has changed for me since then, becoming a mother & wife, LIFE CHANGING. I listen to your podcasts as I drive, run, lift, any time I can and the information and inspiration you spread helps me become a better mom, wife, and overall as a better person! I appreciate the amazing people you bring onto your podcast you attract such positivity and I just want you to know how much I look forward to learning from your podcasts whether it's just five minutes or an hour. THANK YOU!! Keep spreading knowledge, positivity, and kindness!!

This was one of the most awesomeeeeee interviews I have ever seen :))))) love you both..you're such a great people:) much love. Thanks a million:)

Wonderful interview. I can't wait to read Vanessa's book and keep moving forward with my passions! Keep it up team!

every new interview manages to be a favorite. I don't know how you do it, but keep doing it!

Two of the loveliest people talking together-what a pleasure!

not even 30 minutes and I'm already a big fan of Vanessa!! her body language & face expressions are the cutest things ever :D ....ps I'm def getting her book (handsdown)

Getting this book asap. Great interview and she is beautiful!!

@michaelglynn5856

3 жыл бұрын

Vishal I agree that she is hot as heck and leaked out tons of blazing hotvinformation

I read her first book and it's helped so much! This video just makes me like her more and Lewis you are always a great host! Great job to you both!

thanks dr vanessa and the show presenter to praising me

Wow! How can you not love her?? Just a lot of energy genuine!

I LOVEEEEEE her!!! I can't believe she said she thinks she's awkward, like in what world?! lol...her personality is one of a kind, draws you in and makes you smile!

Thanks for the fun episode! It's inspired me to "infect" everyone around me with excitement more intentionally (and I'm already seeing improvements in my relationships!!) So glad I paused the podcast app to watch this video because it was fun to follow along with the body language cues, haha. Keep up the greatness, you two!

Love this!! Took 2 days for me to finish but I absolutely love listening to both of you separately so I LOVED listening to you two together. I sent the interview to all my friends :)

wow its been forever since I've watched but glad to se there's an intro Lewis. I'd say work on/ test it more but I like the idea. Biggest takeaways : 1. vulnerability is sexy 2. own your weirdness 3. your confidence is contagious

I am really impressed by everything Vanessa said and want to thank you Lewis for giving me an opportunity to get answers for so many questions that bugged me for so long. You guys are a true inspiration, thank you for what you do.

wow! didnt expect this. she has a lively personality, plus good knowledge. :)

@RezaMolavi

7 жыл бұрын

Harry, if you get a chance to see her in person, you see how fantastic she is in person.

@harrymatadeen

7 жыл бұрын

Reza Molavi i will endevour to. thank you my friend!

I love love love this women! Religiously watching your podcasts every morning Lewis, so good!

Great interview! I love to hear Vanessa, her observations and advice are so good. She is a real expert in body language and in the science of people, in general. Congratulations for this episode, Lewis.

I so agree with her opinion on ambivalent people ! They really drain your energy.

Loved this podcast! Many brilliant gold nuggets here. Just bought your book Vanessa. Looking forward to learning more from you!

Wonderful! I love how into the conversations you can be, you're genuinely a gentleman.

One of my favorite conversations. She's amazing and spot on.

this episode was incredible. Vanessa has info that will help so many! buying her book to read on an upcoming long flight. No where near a failure! No way, no how. Thank you L and Vanessa

@Jo71603

6 жыл бұрын

Hi Amanda!

Amazing interview. I need to watch it again. Thanks!

That’s a strong soulmate connection right here!!! The chemistry between the two of you is undeniable but also the brave, effortless friendship. You can just tell it’s soulmates:)))

I was so nervous to meet you Lewis when we were at the Summit Of Greatness in Ohio. You made me feel so comfortable. You are very present in the moment and that immediately put me at ease with you. You really are a fantastic human being creating amazing connections.

@TanyaBouzaglo

7 жыл бұрын

I would like too Lewis. You made quite an impression on all of us with your first one.

wow. When im going thru my notes on this podcast i have NEVER had so much of notes as i have now :D Amazing podcast, Vanessa is absolutely wonderful women. I have to read that book :D Thanks Lewis! :)

Vanessa deserves so much credit and love from her fans!

Own your weirdness! Love it.That was great Lewis. Thank you and a big hug to both of you!

This was a great conversation to listen to while working on a project proposal!

New 'all time favorite' episode, Vanessa Van Edwards is such an incredible human, driven by meaningful work and consistently delivering in an authentic way! Just like the one and only Lewis Howes👌Thank you both for all that you do, your work has changed my life and I'm so, sO grateful for that! 🤗🙏

great video! so much to gain from these interviews

Incredible video! I think I share some character traits of Vanessa. I really loved the whole PQ/EQ, optimization and capability talk. I love topics on the science of the brain and people!

I love watching her and listening to her speak. Very smart woman. There's a lot of aha moments every time I watch her.

This is one of my favorite books I read this year! I loved that she read her own audiobook. So much value!!

Lewis, I absolutely loved this interview... Truly powerful, inspirational and reassuringly comforting. Vanessa's awkwardness is her superpower! Truly a beautiful Soul.

I enjoyed watching this interview and learnt about some interesting concepts. Thank you Vanessa and Lewis for sharing such empowering and transformational content.

Love this. Grateful for this brilliance to light my way.

THANK YOU Vanessa and Lewis, I am appreciating this video and hopefully can use it in my daily life..thanks for the inspiration!

Loved this so much! Two of my favorite people together. Looking forward to reading Captivate! Great interview as always, Lewis.

Vanessa has the coolest communication style. Her cadence and tone is so special! =)

love this, I really appreciate what you do Lewis, thanks a lot. I'm gonna try as much as possible to watch one video a day!!!!

I am 4 chapters into CAPTIVATE and I am loving it. It is a great book and a very fun read. Well done Vanessa!

I feel social media is a great tool to get you where you need to be and have so much to talk about that the person can't turn you away. I'm understanding now you have to put yourself into the conversation otherwise you will be left out. I like the part where she said that if you show up to an event and you feel really nervous that others will feel it and without a doubt you will make leave with getting so much out of it that you have no choice but to do something with it.

Loved this interview Lewis! What an amazing person Vanessa is 😊 Thank you for the great tips. Another fantastic video!

Two of my favourite speakers in the same room. Love a ly. Thank you. Really enjoy your great work.

Very interesting. And Vanessa's voice is a pleasure to listen to. Beautiful Vanessa. Much love. xx

Just one word. Fascinating!!

Wow! Whoever said Smiling was contagious was absolutely right on point. Thanks for transmitting your positive vibes and points. XOXO 💯💓😁😁😁🙌🙌🙌👑👑👼👸

i love you! you are so cool, humble, real, great interviewer you know when to shut up lol and also when to ask more questions. even when you have people that don't really answer your questions and keep going on and on you know how to still try to stay on point. but love how you have all these people i have been finding "naturally". its such a small world but now really. anyways you ROCK

Vanessa is amazing. Thank you both for this extremely helpful and intelligent conversation.

One of the top episodes. Thank you both for sharing your gifts! Don’t worry so much about the book. It’s going to do great. I’m fact, getting a copy of both your books. Again. Gracias!

Thanks Lewis, loved the interview. Love all your interviews!!

I've been doing something since February called the Chaos Challenge but I don't want to spoil what it is because one of my goals is to meet Vanessa and have her be the daily participant. It has truly changed my life.

Love this! She's fantastic. Can't wait to listen to her audio. Just downloaded it. :)

Loved her, great companion on my AM walk :)

@SpoonOfConsciousness

7 жыл бұрын

what a great way to listen I'll have to try it

One of the best episodes I have ever seen from your channel. Great energy between you guys 👌🏻.

I loved this episode! It was fascinating start to finish because it not only teaches about connecting better with other people but also taught me a ton about myself. I'm totally a "recovering awkward" person. Lol Keep up the great content Lewis! 😁

Amazing...I'm so glad I found you Vanessa.

Thank you Lewis and Vanessa for this excellent video. Very interesting and informative. Well done.

I listened to this podcast on Spotify, and it was so interesting I'm re-watching on YT. I plan on buying both her books. Terrific podcast!

@lewishowes

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much❤️

Just ordered your book Vanessa, I look forward to reading it :-)

You two make me happy! Thanks for your podcasts. 😎

So many notes from this one single podcast. Thank you both for this awesome conversation. Started as a form of procrastination (not gonna lie, right? ) and ended up as one of the most valuable things in a long time. Cheers from the Czech republic.

Really nice to listen to this lady:) thank you

This was fascinating! She is so knowledgeable!

Just ordered the book, excited :)

Lewis! you are a great inspiration and love watching your podcast! I'm 20 years old and was extremely into sports like you, I find so much value in your podcast, much more than from sports, college, and peers. Thanks for the great content Lewis!

This episode was pure GOLD! ❤️

I smiled all the way through this... FANTASTIC! !

Great interview! Love Vanessa and her work!

Just went to Amazon to purchase her book after listening to this podcast. Thank you!

Control, capability and optimization are the key to be happy. Loved that part, plus the tetris effect.

This woman is incredible, so authentic and smart! I’ve ordered two of her books just now. So excited to read them!

@lewishowes

Жыл бұрын

🧡

uplifting interview - loved Vanessa's explanation of neuroticism - length of time to self calm - "when people tell me it will be fine it makes me more nervous" 😀 I like the idea of working with the way you and people are wired - negotiating with it

Hey Lewis, i've been watching your channel for a while. This was such a well done interview and I thank you for exposing me to your guest. I'm feeling so great right now from the positive vibes I got from the both of you. Great chemistry! I hope to see more from you two, and yes I'm going to definitely buy her book thanks to your interview. Keep up the awesome work and much success to you. :)

Loved the interview!!

This is one of your best! She’s awesome!

love her! can't wait to read her book.

Vanessa Van Edwards and Lewis Howes, you have done a great job with this podcast! You have put some very complicated and scientific information in terms that everyone can understand. I’m teaching Human Relations and communications and I love this idea about excitement or fear transferred from person to person as a chemical and hormonal marker. Wow! If you can influence your own attitude and state of mind, you can influence other people just my being near them without saying a word. Vanessa, you are going to sell lots of books. I love your stories and examples. Lewis, you have done an amazing job with the podcast and the videos. Thanks for the inspiration!!! Attila

@attilatech

7 жыл бұрын

I would love to review or give feedback, but when I clicked on the link nothing happened. Would you provide a link maybe through your website? Anyhow, your content is amazing! Thank you for inspiring millions of people!

I love her !! Thanks Lewis for another great interview!!!

Great energy in this episode! I was positively surprised by how both of you opened up and showed very personal stories. Thank you

@lewishowes

2 жыл бұрын

You're welcome 🧡

one of my most favorite episodes!

I could listen to these two forever

It's so nice of you to bring her in!I really admire her work :)

Beautifully down to earth message and women. Got a lot out of this one, thanks Lewis!

Never heard of her before but loved the episode will for sure get her book. Also love the not jumping on the band wagon of fake it till you make it and not feeling intro or extroverted. Thanks so much!!!

Mind blown!! Loved this!

So nice to get this extra information that you can't find in her book. Thanks for the video :)

Wow!!! I LOVE that woman! I’ll get her book right away. Thank you Lewis