What's paradoxical is that staying in your comfort zone also becomes very uncomfortable after awhile as well. It feels painful to keep playing small and not grow, so you're going to feel uncomfortable either way in my opinion. You mine as well lean into your growth and face the discomfort that comes along with that.

@irinasp3723

Жыл бұрын

This seems to be a basic human drive - to evolve. Stability=death

@alchemyforyou709

Жыл бұрын

What you wrote reminded me of the quote by Anais Nin: “And the Day Came When the Risk to Remain Tight In a Bud Was More Painful Than the Risk It Took to Blossom.”

@peacejoy3629

Жыл бұрын

and if you glow nd start to feel fresh and kinda whole again, they hate it and start to shame u for having confidence or just small thing as fixing ur posture..

@jasonblack6142

Жыл бұрын

Yep I understand

@_nebulousthoughts

Жыл бұрын

@@irinasp3723 when you stop learning you start dying.

My siblings and I grew up in a loving household. My parents sheltered us, kept us away from danger, and made life very comfortable for us. It was a wonderful childhood. However, as we grew older it became more and more apparent that we were ill-prepared for the world outside of our home and the harsh life experiences that awaited us. My father was adamant that he was doing what was best for us, but years after I moved out and learned how to survive through trial and error, he apologized for being overprotective. He was doing what was comfortable for him because he didn’t want to see us struggle or get hurt, but in the process of doing so, my siblings and I were stunted and it took a considerable amount of time for us to acclimate to adulthood. Toxic comfort is developmentally devastating, and I have to stop myself at times when I want to coddle my daughter too much and move all obstacles out of her way, because I was taught growing up that if I wanted to be happy, I had to avoid all of life’s struggles.

@almohvn33

Жыл бұрын

Grew up 60-70.. very safe and secure... Trust you me,, DANGER is everywhere today. The Army grew me up! But... at 64, still not clear why dealing with so much evil. Just cleansed out a NARC and NC! Dang! at 64!

I don't know...I've cherished every moment of comfort I've had in life. It's felt earned, for the most part. Being bored is a gift that doesn't always come back around. I'm sure as hell not going to run back toward an abusive person because I like to struggle. You should pursue GOALS...not discomfort in itself. Pursuing pain for it's own sake just chips away at your lifeforce, taking years, and precious energy and optimism away from the people in your life that deserve it.

I don't need to feel better. I need to get better. Stronger.

This was a revelation I had after I left an abusive marriage. Living in a familiar environment despite its being horrible for me was what I knew. I only knew how to live in crisis. Leaving brought soul crushing personal, internal and social upheaval. Avoiding pain and unknown kept me stuck. It was after I chose to make the leap of faith that I realized that wither way I would be struggling and devastated so why not choose to change life and fight through the unknown to fight for the life I wanted. To find a healthy new comfort zone that has made me a better person with a peaceful life. Realizing the options and choices and taking the deep breath and going for it. A life dedicated to breaking the chains of dysfunction as not to give up on my life dreams and making a better future for myself amd my child. I never looked back. Never went back. I can recommend choosing your own life dreams and future

@lucyandecember2843

Жыл бұрын

o.o

@txknitnurse

Жыл бұрын

“Avoiding pain and unknown kept me stuck.” This is where I am. Friends and family tell me I am strong and flexible. But I don’t believe it. I think I WAS strong and flexible but not now after 20+ years of a toxic marriage. Thank you for sharing your experience. Gives me hope.

@lilrodz

Жыл бұрын

👏👏👏👏💪💜 I am also dedicated to breaking the chains of dysfunction. It takes continued strength and perseverance when the roots come from family of origin.

Really helpful for me at this time trying to deal with a bullying narcissistic partner. I tend to shelve my problems by seeking comfort in television, alcohol, diazepam etc but it’s not helping me move forward and face life on my own. He’s nice to me sometimes and I take every crumb of comfort I can from this but your message reinforced to me that this is not helpful to me in the long term.

@ptlovelight2971

Жыл бұрын

Same situation, except with my older sister. She has narcissistic and manipulative tendencies, and doesn't encourage me to become more independent. But then she reserves the right to point out my "immaturity" and "childish ways". But if I dare say, hey I'd like to try living on my own. Nooooo you can't do that, you'll ruin your finances, do you know how hard it is out there, etc. You're safe here in our house...Its like Richard is speaking directly to our situation

@shabnamrafique7730

Жыл бұрын

I am stuck in situation where I am dealing with bullying toxic extended family.

This is something I’ve been learning and training myself to recognize; whenever I feel anxiety or dread it just means something good is about to happen

Richard, this is also evident throughout the education system and is one reason our children are growing up with no resilience and a fixed mindset. All risky play and responsibility for risk taking has been removed right from the start and is actively discouraged and even punished, whilst a deep aversion to any form of discomfort is instilled from an early age. With the lack of this crucial element of child development there is no possibility of children growing up to be well balanced adults. A system designed to do exactly as it does. I do think this is why so many are struggling because this skillset has had negative connotations since childhood

I've never been comfortable and have taken risks with my life. Sometimes it's worked out and many times it hasn't, but either way I would not change a thing. My main goal is to live a fulfilling life and to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

Ease and comfort extinguishes the warrior's fire. There has to be a balance.

@christyleenicholas

Жыл бұрын

I disagree…. I feel like the reward for all of that time spent walking through all of those fires, is a life where I am safe and there is peace

@deadlysword1000

Жыл бұрын

@@christyleenicholas Everything in moderation. Too much comfort can lead to destruction. You must continue to stay in shape and stay on your purpose and goals or when hard times come, you'll be easy prey to villains who wish to do you harm.

I am if i'm honest. Let toxic family members go though. I have only recently learnt about trauma bonding. Can't believe my psych didn't tell me about this. I couldn't understand why it is so hard to leave where i am so unhappy. Learning helos me to understand the vice like grio that makes it feel so hard to break. Like an addiction.

@waterbottle2183

Жыл бұрын

I LoVed 🥰 thiS! This explains something I’ve been grappling with all summer! I loVe ❤️ the way you put it - cleared up all of the guilt and confusion around this! I’m going to write ✍️ this on a big board or something & put into action wherever needed - ThAnk you for this Mr. G As always, you rock!

@MrSuperG

Жыл бұрын

Yeah you said my name

@belindablunderbus1365

Жыл бұрын

It is like an addiction for your brain. It messes with your nervous system. Just because there are blood bonds does not give someone an excuse to abuse. I'm disgusted by my parent and haven't spoken to them since March but it's a roller coaster of emotions. Stay strong. ✌️

@janed7774

Жыл бұрын

I wish you all the best now you know how x💕

@Theowlhawk

Жыл бұрын

Trama bonds are excruciating painful

For 14 years or at least the past 12 years I have been in a comfort zone literally a gilded cage. I am now escaping it and it is uncomfortable and stressful but I feel it’s 💯 the right thing to do. Comfort is a deceptive enemy

As an introverted capricorn with ADHD, I needed to hear this. 😁

Really inspiring, I feel fired up to take more risks. 'You are what you do, not what you say you will do'.

The problem in seeing oneself as strong and capable comes from a lot of psychological issues. It doesn't happen by the snap of your fingers. The idea is to genuinely start feeling strong and capable, which, in many cases requires basically rewiring your brain and includes a long and painful process of re-learning how to be yourself and getting rid of damaging (and oftentimes extremely maladaptive) attitudes toward yourself and the world in general brought by your upbringing and environment. The sence of strength comes as a byproduct of this hard work.

@No-BS1369

Жыл бұрын

Strength is a lifestyle as well as a state of mind, as true strength comes from the inside. If you don’t feel like you have strength, look at your past (or present) and then remember the obstacles that you’ve overcome. Same thing. Just keep doing it when a situation presents itself. Just be careful to learn how to choose your battles wisely. Some things are better to just walk away from.

@MrSomebodyStrange

Жыл бұрын

@@No-BS1369 Yeah, remember those obstacles, then catastrophise and dismiss them as "nothing to brag about" and add something akin to "other people had it worse". Because that's how people who struggle with self-esteem issues operate. No matter how big their achievements were, they'll find a way to devalue themselves. They FEEL weak and worthless.

@feed2poor862

Жыл бұрын

Exactly. A good supportive environment is the best remedy for mind and strength

@feed2poor862

Жыл бұрын

@@MrSomebodyStrange do you ignore that some people are expert in dismissing and making others feel weak and incapable ?

@No-BS1369

Жыл бұрын

@@MrSomebodyStrange Cycles and circles. If the same crappy themes are appearing in your life and you feel weak and then believe that you are weak, then you will be weak. You will never be able to control anyone except yourself. When you finally see this, then you’ll be able to start a dialogue with yourself on what and when you are feeling weak. What actions of people, or inactions (such as someone calling you constantly and screaming at you, or someone who doesn’t call when they are supposed to). What environments (work, social gatherings, etc.). Is it a certain habit (like smoking) of a person that is triggering a memory ( such as a relative who used to burn you with their cigarettes). People are total assholes, no doubt about that, but if you are the one feeling weak, then it’s because you are allowing yourself to. You can’t change other people, only yourself and how you react.

To be clear, he's not telling us to seek discomfort in an abusive relationship. We're self medicating (drugs, sex, gambling, [twitter] etc) instead of staying with the bad feelings until we can work through the dysfunction, or even disagreement. While he doesn't say it, I think about a generation who now equates words with violence, who will scream down debate because the words have caused discomfort, so not only the taboo words, but also the speaker, needs to be destroyed. If he's right, this has society-wide implications which you can see playing out all over the world, all over social media, and in our broken connections with others.

My discomfort zone has become my comfort zone.. yet I don't recall consenting. Somethings gotta give.

@MrSuperG

Жыл бұрын

What’s your Instagram

I agree, I have been feeling massively stuck but ya know the whole c19 thing and the fallout has been insane. We've been told to stay indoors, then we could go out but use a mask. Or no, go out it's ok. Then, it's like go out, but not too far because of gas prices, inflation, etcetera. It's been a real 💩💩 show being taught fear and trepidation. Don't hug, don't shake hands, be careful, blah blah blah. I'm exhausted tbh 😫😫😢😢

@lisahardy2070

Жыл бұрын

same😔. I’m honestly concerned about my mental well-being here lately. The four walls are closing in on me and I really don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

@puremaledark8305

Жыл бұрын

C19 really messed people up!!!! Get out again. Dont fear it!

@AliciaM5555

Жыл бұрын

@@lisahardy2070 I feel you ❤

Richard is one of the best thinkers and philosophers on you tube. I don’t know how I come across him, but his content is always super interesting.

I ran from the UK to Mexico a year ago with barely any money (none now!), no language skills or connections/ friends. I had to do it for my sanity. No regrets at all.

I am very glad you spoke about this. My way of getting out of my comfort zone is to define my fears, frustrations, complexes, and then eliminate them one by one. That's how I raise awareness and recognize when I'm in the comfort zone. It's "painful" enough to keep comfort at a distance. Maybe all this will be useful to someone, maybe not.

This talk applies to aging as well. Finally one can sit on the couch and watch the drama unfold in other people's lives. Your encouragement to reject those constant offers of comfort in our culture is much needed.

Thank you so much, I have been feeling so so trapped in my comfortable life for years I did so for my children when they got older I sold everything and I bought a farm I have never been so happy it is one of the hardest things I have ever done but I love every minute

@deniseelsworth7816

Жыл бұрын

👏💪

Totally agree. Being comfortable is the road to many different hells.

I went outside the Ying cave and become a self employed consultant on a part time basis. In May I went full time. Soon I have another course to allow me to audit health and safety ISO systems, as I’m already an environmental and quality lead auditor. Then I will have all 3 main ISO system auditing qualifications. Soon I’ll need to find more work as the work I have gained was via word of mouth. Each step is scary, but I lost it all upon divorce and have nothing else to lose. Sometimes I trust the universe. Go get it people! Thanks Richard 💕

The exact opposite can also be true. Working yourself too death is just as dangerous. No need to be lazy and no need to bust your ass for 12 hours a day 7 days a week either.

@di3486

Жыл бұрын

If you were a Russian serf in the XVII century, you would literally have to do that.

@amberbryant9264

Жыл бұрын

Should be a balance, I’d think.

@beewest5704

Жыл бұрын

@@aninamonsoon Its the toxic coping mechanism that gets the mist praise until you unexpectedly fall death from a heart attack.

@lucyandecember2843

Жыл бұрын

o.o

@oanaalexia

Жыл бұрын

@@aninamonsoon I agree.

'' discomfort leads to growth '' 👍

Another time being strong backfires is being able to endure the suffering and get caught in the cycle of toxic comfort .

@lilrodz

Жыл бұрын

💯

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

very common in narcissistic relationships and that is the idea that the relationship feels comfortable or feels safe even though it's not. The brain categorizes things which are not familiar as dangerous this is why a situation can feel comfortable even though it's not actually good or pleasant or healthy. Familiar doesn't mean good or safe it just means familiar. Your brain is mistakenly identifying something as not dangerous just because it's known. A lion does not somehow become less dangerous just because you see it every day. The brain fears the unknown and it doesn't like change because it fears change it mistakenly equates familiar ,safe or with not dangerous. This is why so many people say that their toxic abusive relationship with a narcissistic person feels comfortable or like home to them. It's a known quantity and is therefore marked safe by the brain. Familiar pain is easier than the fear of change it's true the brain would rather deal with a known painful or dangerous situation than an unknown one from which it has no ability to measure, no metric. The fear of this unknown can be paralyzing for people and it may be one of the biggest reasons people stay in these relationships even when they know they should leave and even after they want to leave. Remember that your brain is trying to protect you but that doesn't make it always correct, doesn't mean it's always right. Learn to challenge these conclusions in these narratives and also to practice distress tolerance skills so that the fear of the unknown doesn't keep you stuck in an unhealthy situation or get you into one in the first place. For example one of the most common situations where someone becomes entangled with narcissistic people is the situation where the narcissist is already known to somebody or was known to them before for example such as a childhood friend or an ex from a long time ago. Because the person is considered known by the brain any noticeable red flags don't raise the same level of alarm that they probably would if the person was a stranger. The brain's mistaken identification of this person as known in their fore safe can cause us to make assumptions about them that we probably would not make if they were not categorized in this way for example if they were a stranger. However the person doesn't even need to be previously known to you even in situations where the person is not previously known. Narcissistic mirroring and wound identification which is having the same wounds as that person or believing that you do can make you feel like you know someone a lot better than you actually know them or feel that you have known someone for a lot longer than you actually have. This can also cause them to be identified as known and therefore safe which again results in making automatic assumptions about them this can be very very dangerous. Paying attention to how you are thinking about other people and evaluating them knowing somebody for a long time or knowing them from a long time ago does not automatically mean that they're safe feeling like you know somebody does not mean you actually do know them. Familiar does not mean safe. Familiar only means familiar. Comfortable does not mean safe doesn't mean good it only means comfortable. It only means known. Contrast this with the way the narcissistic mind works which seems to be that people are never considered known and are therefore never safe no matter what.

@ct6852

Жыл бұрын

Very true. Just because you can withstand the abuse for a while doesn't mean you should. And as we know, it eventually becomes intolerable.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

@@ct6852 yes it doesnt matter how strong, empowered there's no such thing as having a healthy relationship with an unhealthy person. it doesn't matter how healthy or empowered that you have become toxic is toxic. Some people think now they understand how this works that now they can deal with it a little more successfully, so they can try again or maybe be friends with them or have some type of relationship. This does not work because regardless of how strong and empowered and healthy you have become they're still the same/ It's like being in a room with poison gas, if you have a vulnerability to it such as emphysema or asthma or some type of respiratory situation it will affect you more strongly much faster, but it affects everybody eventually. Being around a narcissist is being around an environmental toxin and in order to be healthy you have to get out of that environment, period. Everybody has their limits/ There's only so much of this type of behavior that you can stand or that you can deal with before you start reacting ad it starts affecting causing you problems in your life. Narcissists are dangerous, even if they do not have (or do not appear to have) consciously malicious motives. Dealing with narcissists is so damaging, even when people understand what is happening and are actively guarding against it. Even if there is no physical abuse or violence at all, even if there is no overt or purposeful mistreatment that you can recognize, dealing with someone who is relentlessly trying to force you to live in a reality that does not match your own is extremely harmful. Over time, it will affect you, sometimes very significantly. It will change your behavior, it will change your thoughts and thought processes. It will change your beliefs and mindsets. It will affect your faith in things. It will exhaust you. It will drag you down. It will cause health problems. People need to let go of the idea that they can become strong enough or educated enough or healthy enough to withstand or manage these relationships. Besides the reality that healthy people generally don't intentionally pursue relationships where they are continually neglected, mistreated, used or devalued, no matter how healthy and strong you become, the narcissist remains the same. The idea that things will someday change is extremely common in relationships with narcissists, as is the idea that somehow the people around the narcissist can manage or control the narcissist, and change or fix them. Both of these things are fantasies. It is not possible to fix or change others. They have to fix or change themselves if they have the capability to do so, and some people do not. People sometimes don't want to hear that or to believe it, but it's the reality. The truth is, reality is not always gentle with us. As unpleasant as it can be, we usually do not have the luxury of avoiding or denying it for very long. Reality has a way of coming through whether we are ready for it or not, and learning to accept it as it is leads to less pain and stress in the end. When things are accepted as they are, it can hurt but the pain only has to be faced once. If we keep trying to deny or avoid the reality of a situation, we will be forced to face it over and over again every time denial breaks down and reality asserts itself. It's actually more painful in the end, not less. One of the biggest things that needs to be faced is that your love is not going to heal this person or change the situation. There is often a powerful and pervasive fantasy for many people that one day the narcissist will see how much has been given to them or sacrificed for them and this will emotionally move them so much that they will change their behavior forever after. This is a favorite plot for media and movies, and narcissists may even claim that it's the truth, but it is not reality. People who cannot recognize love generally don't just suddenly figure it out. People who can understand love and respect are generally not abusers in the first place. Narcissists often claim that others are responsible for them and their behavior. "Your love can change/heal/fix me!" is just another example of this. The idea that special love, repeated sacrifice and self-betrayal is going to one day touch this person so much that a lifetime of behavior, conditioning, thought processes and mindsets will simply change is just not realistic. It's not because you're not enough, or because your love is not enough. It's because their problems have nothing to do with you. You're probably not the only person who has ever tried to do that for them. It hasn't worked and it won't work because it can't work. You're not the exception, no matter what anyone says. It is only our egos that make us think we can be, because it is one thing to want to help someone, but to believe that you are the solution to their problems is something else. Narcissistic relationships do not evolve or grow. They run through cycles and that's it. It can take a few years to be able to see the difference, and until someone can see the whole thing, they may believe that they are seeing legitimate change. However, if someone is pathologically narcissistic, this is unlikely. They may do OK for a while in some areas of their lives or with a relationship but then slide back into irresponsible, abusive or more low-functioning behavior, over and over again. This can go on for years - even decades - with no true evolution or maturity happening at all. It's just the cycle. As hard as it is to understand, there usually comes a point where it just cannot be denied. For example, when it's been 5 years or 10 years or 20 years and this person still has not matured very much, if at all. They've not grown. They've not changed. They're still doing the same things, saying the same things, giving the same excuses, making the same mistakes... over and over again. Narcissists are at war with reality and unless you are able to live in their false reality with them, it's never going to work. Unfortunately, you can't live in their false reality because in this reality, they never have any flaws, make any mistakes or do anything that could be perceived as even remotely wrong, and you are always the villain. It's not possible for another person to exist in this reality, because there's no room; it is 2D and revolves entirely around the narcissistic person. These relationships are doomed from the beginning. You are dealing with a person who has very serious issues with their emotional regulation, perception, cognition and many other things, and you are required to simply ignore all of it except for when you are required to take the blame. You are supposed to remain perfect and have no flaws, while also being the scapegoat for everything that goes wrong so that the narcissist can remain perfect in their own estimation. It's not a role that anyone can succeed in. Ever.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

@@ct6852 Many times, people deal with this by believing it will be better in the future when some condition is met, or some hurdle is jumped. The truth is, this is how it is and this is likely how it will always be regardless of what happens because you're dealing with a personality that has been arrested at a certain level of maturity and function, and is now stuck in a loop. This is extremely hard to change, and may even be impossible. This person does not think like you or understand how you feel. And they don't care. This is not something you can explain to them or make them understand. If you are dealing with a pathologically narcissistic person, you are dealing with significant and severe dysfunction, and some have such significant, severe dysfunction that they qualify as clinically disordered. This is not something a person can just stop doing or stop having. It doesn't excuse their behavior or their choices in any way because they know right from wrong (even if they don't understand why something is considered wrong), but it does tell us that this is more than a case of someone choosing harmful, inconsiderate or inappropriate behaviors. The people we are referring to when we use the word "narcissists" have a pathological personality, which means they have pathological thought processes, mindsets, behaviors and pathological emotional dysregulation. They generally lack empathy, lack impulse control, lack self-worth and the ability to create or regulate self-worth; they usually have difficulty with object permanency, object constancy, and whole object relations, there is usually severe identity disturbance... This is a multi-faceted problem that affects every part of their lives, whether you can see it or not. As hard as it is for you to try to understand what the mindset of a person like this might be like, that's the same difficulty they would have trying to understand where you are coming from, how you feel or what you're thinking - and that's if they bothered, which they probably wouldn't. It's not about not caring, because it's beyond not caring. It's not even on their radar because nothing is on their radar but themselves. There is no room in their lives for anyone else but them. What you think, what you want, what you like, what you care about, who you are as a person... none of this information even occurs to them and if it is pointed out, none of it matters except for how it applies to or benefits the narcissist. They have no real understanding that this is different from how anyone else operates and don't care because it doesn't matter. This is how they operate and have likely never questioned or even considered it at all. Even if they did, it wouldn't change anything. You can't force someone to have feelings they don't have, or to stop seeing others as objects, This is just how it is. You could maybe force someone to act like they have feelings they don't have, but an act is all it will ever be. In addition to these things, it's important to understand that you're dealing with a person who cannot bond with other people, cannot trust others and is pathologically insecure. This is not the kind of insecurity people are talking about when they mean someone has low self-esteem, though that's definitely a problem with narcissists, too. This is insecurity on a fundamental level, where they don't feel safe. They cannot bond or connect to others, so they never get to know them and cannot trust them, no matter how long it's been. Those of you who've been in relationships with narcissists for years know this to be true. No matter what happens or what you do, they do not feel safe enough to trust you in even basic ways. It often comes out as anger, accusation, avoidance, distance or contempt and is framed in a way that makes it look like you are doing things that make you untrustworthy, but this is the reality behind it. After all the years, after all the pain and abuse, after all the manipulation, after all the lies, after all of the horrible things... you will likely still have more basic trust in the narcissist as a human being than they have ever had in you. Ever. Even the basic trust required to physically exist in the world with other people, they don't have in anybody - including themselves. The world is a battleground, an inherently unsafe place where everyone is not just not an ally, but an enemy, a potential life-threatening attacker. You cannot ever love someone like this enough to prove that you are safe enough for them to trust. It can't happen, because they don't know what safety is. They live in a world where there is no such thing. Some narcissists may become super-aggressive, dominant and even violent in order to deal with that; others may become helpless, vulnerable and lost; and still others may become ultra-controlled, and flat emotionally with very little reaction to anything, but all of these are ways of dealing with the same fundamental problem: they believe the world is unsafe, which influences their orientation to it and their interactions with it enormously. Whether it is a parent or an adult child or a friend or a partner... There is no future with these relationships. There is no trust or partnership with these relationships. There is no history, no equity built. There is no good faith with these relationships, no benefit of the doubt. There is no change, no evolution. You cannot communicate with this person. You will not be heard. You will not matter. You will not be able to fix it. The narcissist is not going to wake up one day and realize they've been wrong their whole lives. You are not going to be the exception that ends up happily ever after. The idea that the outcome will be different for us because we are different or our relationship is different is an ego story that really needs to be released because not only is it harmful, it's false. Sometimes we need to believe it so that we can survive, and so we can hold on to hope that we will still get what we want in the end. But it's not worth your health. The most important thing to accept and understand is that, if you care about yourself, in all likelihood you are eventually going to have to walk away from this relationship. It's not possible to love yourself and continually choose to be in a situation where you are mistreated or devalued. Eventually, there will be a conflict that cannot be resolved in any other way. Eventually, the narcissist will do something that literally forces you to choose between your well-being and the relationship. It may not have happened yet, but it will. There comes a point where most people are simply too disgusted, too exhausted and too aware of the reality of what's happening to do it anymore. There will come a point where you simply cannot convince yourself that you or things or the relationship are OK anymore. That is when the wake up call becomes too loud to ignore. Although the future may be uncertain for these people, it's better tha where they've been.

I APPRECIATE AND BLESS THE MASCULINE ENERGY THAT YOU CARRY IT HELPS THE RECEIVERS TO MOVE OUT OF THE COMFORT ZONE

EXACTLY!! And once one has gone bonkers in order to be healthy it is nearly impossible to sidestep labeling by self and those you might otherwise lift up and hold through the initial horror of the bid for redemption. The road to salvation is littered with broken and bloodied humans whose suffering reaches out with familiar eyes and chapped, swollen hands. I've told every single one that I would get help and come back but it is SO LOUD out there. How does anything work? Nothing does and those who know no longer bother to say. They are the bruised and the broken, btw. Of course they would have to be wouldn't they?

And that’s why I like you so much Richard. You just get straight to the point and keep opening my eyes. Thank you :)

Man… this is REALLY GOOD INFORMATION (that people RARELY get today)! 👍🏽

Toxic comfort is the arguably underlying biggest existential threat to humanity at this point in time, along with the systematic gaslighting that misleads us as to what is actually beneficial.

My ultimate escape from comfort was having children. It has definitely reworked me from inside, but I can't say it makes it better, it only makes it harder. Maybe I'll see results in the long run

Excellent - really appreciated the knowledge. Been following along for quite some time now. Hats off to you.. quite brilliant you are Sir!

Taking risks is necessary. Goaals etc. I had finally realized that I could die off from holing up in home. But I was hungry I would not try to cook for myself. Not shopping groceries enough. Bad tv shows actually good ones. Then realized I could die in here and for days no one would notice.

You are a genius and have diagnosed our major problem in modern culture for 1st world nations.

That thing on your t-shirt, near the throat: reminder me of a priest.

Perfect timing! Thanks 👌🏼

Thank you brother, I needed to see this video.

Continuation, lost all anbition due to indenyifying with victimhood. Snap out of it men. Get any goal st once!

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

Yes, In order to become a survivor, it's necessary to first let go of other definitions of yourself, such as being a victim. We are not defined by our experiences. We are so much more than that. Who you are is so much more than What You've Done or What Has Happened. These things can help shape your reality, but they are not the sum of your reality. As people who experience things, we have choices about how we will view them and how they will affect us. If we are still struggling with a victim identity, we may see them as negative and hurtful because we are coming from a place of hurt. If we have moved on from that place of hurt, we can often see things much more clearly for what they are. The ego insists that other people's behavior is about you. If this is denied, the ego feels unimportant and becomes injured. When the ego is injured, it will rage. This is why the idea that “abusive behavior from others is not personal” causes some people to become very angry. Many people take comfort in that thought, because it means they did not cause this problem and are not responsible for it. But for others, it feels dismissive - of themselves, of their anger and of their pain. It is none of these things, but that doesn't change how they feel. It does not excuse the abuse that happened to them, nor does it somehow imply the abuser is not responsible or should just get away with it, but that doesn't change the way they feel, either. This is because the anger and pain are actually coming from an ego injury caused by the idea that they are not important enough to be the reason for the abuse. However, abusive behavior from others isn't personal. It is not about us. It has nothing to do with us. It is about the abuser. They are behaving that way because they are choosing to react that way to how they feel and the stories their ego is telling itself. That's it. We cannot control their behavior or stop it - regardless of what they say. Those are the self-defensive stories their ego is telling itself so they can escape the blame (and shame) for their behavior. When we can let go of the victim mentality, we can see this very clearly. Abusers give their power away, too, and that is why they abuse: because they feel so weak and powerless. The more we are able to break out of the mindset of victimhood, the better we are able to see that other people's behavior has nothing to do with us. It may affect us, but it is not because of us. These are two different things. Just because something someone else does affects us or our lives does not mean that we are the catalyst or the cause of the behavior. This is another story the ego is telling itself about its own importance. There is no power in these stories. So many people have become trapped in the idea that the conditioning, beliefs and behaviors they have now are permanent. They are not! If you are willing to sit with the discomfort of doing something different, you can change these patterns. It starts with recognizing them, taking accountability and understanding that these patterns can, in fact, be changed No change in yourself or your life can be created without taking accountability. It all starts with you deciding that you have had enough of feeling powerless, of feeling helpless. It starts with you deciding - choosing - to create a better life for yourself. It starts with you choosing you. It starts with the power of choice. Once we have accepted our power and understand that we have choices, we begin to realize that we are not victims. We may have been victims at one time, but we are not victims anymore. Victims have no power. Victims have no choices. If we have accepted and understood that we have these things, we realize that by definition, we cannot be victims. We are survivors. The day you make the realization that you deserve better is the day it begins Power manifests when we realize we are not victims anymore. Safety manifests when we take control of our lives and decide that we are the architects of our own experience. Security comes when we can trust ourselves to act in our own best interest. We are not defined by our experiences. We are so much more than that. Who you are is so much more than What You've Done or What Has Happened. These things can help shape your reality, but they are not the sum of your reality. As people who experience things, we have choices about how we will view them and how they will affect us. If we have moved on from this mentality, we can see the behavior for what it is: a reflection of that person rather than ourselves. We don't take it personally because we realize that it isn't personal. It's not about us. It's about the other person. This doesn't mean we simply excuse the behavior. It doesn't mean we don't take necessary action to prevent harm to ourselves. It means we don't take it personally. abusive behavior from others isn't personal. It is not about us. It has nothing to do with us. It is about the abuser. They are behaving that way because they are choosing to react that way to how they feel and the stories their ego is telling itself. That's it. We cannot control their behavior or stop it - regardless of what they say. Those are the self-defensive stories their ego is telling itself so they can escape the blame (and shame) for their behavior. When we can let go of the victim mentality, we can see this very clearly. Abusers give their power away, too, and that is why they abuse: because they feel so weak and powerless The past is over. It's done. Whatever happened, however it unfolded, it cannot be changed. But it doesn't need to be changed in order to be dealt with differently. The past doesn't have to control a person's entire life unless they allow that to happen. Using the power of choice, we can decide that we are no longer slaves to our past - or to anything. Because we aren't. We have power. We have choices. We have the ability to change. So many people have become trapped in the idea that the conditioning, beliefs and behaviors they have now are permanent. They are not! If you are willing to sit with the discomfort of doing something different, you can change these patterns. It starts with recognizing them, taking accountability and understanding that these patterns can, in fact, be changed. We sometimes hear people saying things like asking them to take accountability for their choices is implying that they deserved to be treated badly, or that it's victim-blaming. The fear behind that statement is always heartbreaking, because it usually means that person is afraid deep down that they did deserve it because of the choices they made. That fear is a prison. It keeps people from seeing how things can change. We can't be afraid to take responsibility for our choices. We have to be willing to admit that we have some toxic or dysfunctional patterns, behaviors, thoughts and/or mindsets, too. We have to be willing to admit that we've made bad decisions and mistakes. It's not all just the other person - even if they are a narcissist or otherwise toxic personality. The fear seems to be, "If I have any responsibility here, that means I deserved the way they treated me." That is absolutely false and if anyone says that to you, they are wrong. Admitting these things does not excuse or justify any other person's behavior toward us and it does not erase our right to be treated with respect, consideration and dignity. You have to get to a place where you understand and believe that. It's the only way to be OK with taking accountability for your stuff: realizing that it doesn't make you any less valuable. Being imperfect does not damage your worth. It does not give other people the right to abuse you. Nothing gives anyone the right to abuse you.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

no change in yourself or your life can be created without taking accountability. It all starts with you deciding that you have had enough of feeling powerless, of feeling helpless. It starts with you deciding - choosing - to create a better life for yourself. It starts with you choosing you. It starts with the power of choice. Once we have accepted our power and understand that we have choices, we begin to realize that we are not victims. We may have been victims at one time, but we are not victims anymore. Victims have no power. Victims have no choices. If we have accepted and understood that we have these things, we realize that by definition, we cannot be victims. We are survivors. When you practice good self-care, own your mistakes and accept yourself for who you are, you are taking control of your life. You are living more intentionally and acting upon the world, rather than waiting for it to act upon you. There's no better way to bring good things into your life. people are afraid to trust others - even in situations where they should. This is because they are don't trust themselves. How can you trust others not to betray you when you betray yourself? How can you trust others to treat you as if you matter when you don't do it for yourself? The unhealed heart fears trusting others. It believes everyone is out to hurt it. But trusting others is only scary when you are depending on them to do for you what you should be doing for yourself, such as validate you, validate self-worth or give you purpose and identity. When you can do these things for yourself, trusting others is a lot less scary. The past doesn't have to control a person's entire life unless they allow that to happen. Using the power of choice, we can decide that we are no longer slaves to our past - or to anything. Because we aren't. We have power. We have choices. We have the ability to change. In order to become a survivor, it's necessary to first let go of other definitions of yourself, such as being a victim.There is no power in helplessness. There is no safety in the lack of control that is intrinsic to a victim identity.# . Many times when narcissistic people are able to get past someone's defenses, it's because the person was vulnerable for some reason. It's important to remember that toxic, predatory people will take advantage of vulnerabilities or someone who is not alert, therefore it is very important to pay attention. Listen to what a person says - to you and to others. When someone's story does not make sense, ask questions. If your questions are ignored or not really answered, pay attention to that. Don't ignore red flags. Don't excuse behavior that makes no sense or is hurtful. Don't ignore attempts to push against or violate your boundaries. Take negative, irresponsible, immature or deceptive behavior seriously. Pay attention to how a person behaves, to how they treat those around them. And don't think you'll be the exception to the rule, because you won't. Their weapons are actually not the things they are saying. Their weapons are the way you feel about the things they are saying. They use your own feelings against you. Whether they are using your love for them to manipulate you, or guilt to bully you, or things that get you angry to keep you defensive and off-balance so that they can blame you and take the focus off of themselves and whatever they've done wrong, their weapons are almost exclusively emotional. This is because they are so emotional. Even the ones who seem to show no emotions are usually tortured by self-hatred and shame inside. So they endeavor to do that to everybody else. # Just as important as trusting yourself is listening to yourself. Validate your own experiences, take your own concerns seriously. Don't talk yourself out of your feelings or your experiences. Once again, pay attention to your gut and what your body is telling you. If you are feeling anxious, if you are feeling nervous, if you are feeling upset, if you are feeling exhausted... pay attention to that. Listen to your feelings, to your body and what these things are trying to tell you. If something doesn't make sense, if it doesn't feel right, if it seems off, if it seems to good to be true, listen to these things. You experience them for a reason and they should not be ignored. Part of listening to yourself and trusting yourself is speaking your truth. If something doesn't feel right, say so. If you need time alone, if you are feeling sometype of way, assert that. Stand up for you. Show up for you. No one else is going to do it. It's up to you. It's a neat trick, but it's a weak one because it only works if you let it work. You have to play along or it fails. If they throw everything in the book at you but you just stand there and don't react, now what? They look like a childish and possibly unstable person just saying horrible things to someone for no reason - which is exactly what they are. After a while, they even start to look kind of silly. The childishness and ridiculousness of this behavior start to become really apparent when it's just them participating in it. Even the infamous narcissistic silent treatment works this way. It's kind of pointless to ignore someone who doesn't care that you are doing that. The point is that you are supposed to feel upset that they are ignoring you. If you don't, it's kind of silly of them, isn't it? This is how you disarm the narcissist. They don't really have any power over you at all. It's your own emotions that have power over you. Get those under control and the narcissist's games will cease to matter. If you notice, everything they say and do is designed to push an emotional button in other people. The key is to stop buying into it. The way you do that is to stop taking it personally. That sounds difficult, but honestly, it isn't. This is a person who doesn't even understand that others are people the same way they are. How can it possibly be personal? If a three-year-old called you names and said awful things to you, you would not take it personally and you certainly wouldn't believe it could be true. It's the same thing because it's the same mentality. You're hearing the grown-up, more articulate version of a three-year-old's temper tantrum. It's not reality. Even they probably don't really believe it. But even if they do, what does it really matter? You can't change their opinion, and how they treat you wouldn't change either way. It is your own expectations that are hurting you here. Narcissistic people are not reasonable, rational, realistic or fair. More than likely, the narcissistic person in your life has already proven that to you over and over again. They may have misrepresented themselves in the beginning of the relationship bu then they've probably already revealed who they really are. It's time to stop expecting them to be some other way because they're not going to be. Your expectations are probably normal and reasonable, but they are not going to meet them. If someone cannot understand what you want from them after months or even years of being told over and over again, maybe it's time to stop thinking they don't understand and start considering the possibility that maybe they just don't care. Often, people see red flags but they question their perception or don't want to believe it. Toxic people of course play right into that and it becomes easy to simply write off or excuse many things. This is a mistake. You know what happened, you know how you felt, you know what you saw. Trust yourself. Trust yourself to know what's right for you. Trust yourself to know what's wrong for you. Trust yourself to show up for yourself and to show the same commitment to you that you show to others. Trust your gut. Your head may be confused. Your heart may be confused. Your gut never is. Learn to listen to it even when you don't want to do so. Many people believe that if they can make the narcissist understand that they aren't a bad person or aren't doing these things they are being accused of, the narcissist will stop abusing them. This is not the truth. They're generally not interested in who you really are. You cannot convince them because they don't want to be convinced; they are dedicated to their delusions and they will act the same way regardless. The only person who is really affected by it is you. They are simply doing what they do to everybody in your position. It's a very old scene for them and they've played it out many times before. You're just the current person cast in the role. This behavior did not start with you and it's not going to end with you because it has nothing to do with you. They've more than likely had this exact same relationship over and over and over again. You're simply another supporting actor in a never-ending drama about the narcissist, and quite frankly, to them, it really doesn't matter who the other person is because they are the star. That's why we say don't take it personally. Because it isn't personal. It's personal to you but it's not personal to the narcissist. It's a completely self-centered person using you to play games with themselves. Other people do not matter in this equation. If you need to prove that to yourself, just examine the way they behave. They don't hide it. Since you're the only person truly affected by the way they feel about you, the way you disarm them is to stop letting them use your own feelings against you. You do that by not reacting to their emotional button-pushing anymore. It really is that simple. You cannot control the narcissist, so you have to control yourself.

Thank you. I needed to hear this.

Bravo! Another great and helpful belief you so kindly share with us, Mr. Grannon. Thank you, thank you.

You've changed my life..THANK YOU🙏🏽

Brilliant, of course!! Thank you Richard!

Thanks for posting.

Thank you for this inspiration, Richard! Great insight!

Absolutely wise words and vital topic to understand, especially for all of those who are really suffering. It's been said that the avoidance of suffering is the cause of suffering. Staying in the comfort zone is the dead zone. If you want to heal it, you need to feel it, meaning getting into the pain and allowing it instead of running away from it. Get comfortable being uncomfortable at times and know that these sensations (which is actually caused by stresshormones) in the short term won't kill you. That frees up a ton of stores emotions and many of those aren't bad - they were just hidden by an overprotective ego and didn't trust your vulnerable parts (IFS theory). The body indeed keeps the score and ignorance of that will send you a delayed bill at some point. You can ignore reality but not the long term consequences of having ignored that reality. Ironically it's the hormonal motivation caused by pain that can lead to healing. That oftentimes requires that the pain of standing still exceeds that pain of moving (doing something). Once that happens, the first few hard steps of action can take place towards productive change with better internal awareness. Once that leads to noticable differences of improved mood, feelings and thought PATTERNS, that not only will create momentum, but a spillover effect in so many areas of life, where better overall health and wellness is observed both on the internal and external. That foundation creates what I refer to as a ground base on which many levels/floors of cognitive and emotional ability and skills can be stacked on. We aren't responsible for our gene mutations nor our traumas, but how we respond to them. Take action and be the captain of your own ship as a responsible adult. By being that and listening to your own inner compas, you might be able to stear away from the major icebergs (mental and physical illness) in life and towards better teritorries. Lastly, part of the avoidance, as destribed well in this video, is self medication - using food, drugs, alcohol, gamling, pornography and social media as an excape from pain. All it does neurologically is to raise dopamine (and then adrenalin) levels in the brain. That makes us feel good even though it's like peeing in our pants to stay warm. Dopamine is falsely only considered a happy hormone, but it's more of a motivation hormone as with very addictive traits when sources like the above are used for it. Exercise, personal growth and meaningful doings of life actually creates the same hormone. Oftentimes there are genetic predispositions that might make this dopamine struggle worse (a snp/mutation to the COMT gene) that either makes your brain "too good" at removing dopamine, adrenaling and estrogen from your brian (predisposes to addictions, anger, ADHD and low energy depression) - or the reverse, does into removing these hormones fast enough and the risk for anxiety and stress increases. Most people wether their genetic predispositions tend to get out of balance with their dopamine levels if serotonin levels are low. Optimum serotonin levels creates sense of calm, safety and satisfaction about who and where you are as well as what you have. That "stable fuel" to the fire makes us less dopamine dependant and more open to get into deeper states of emotions and the dopamine sources would numb us from. Hopefully this was not too comfusing. Feel free to ask questions, if you want to know more.

@Intoadmj

Жыл бұрын

where can I learnt more about this? Or what materials do you recommend? thank you

@noonevincecarterfan

Жыл бұрын

@@Intoadmj id recommend starting with the webinars of dr Rostinbergs on YT. Channel name is beyond mthfr. Start with his video lectures on dopamine, serotonin and adrenalin. I've been studying this for years so I know it's a big mouthful to chew at first. Well Worth it if you take your health very seriously.

@Intoadmj

Жыл бұрын

also is it good to take serotonin supplement as well?

@Intoadmj

Жыл бұрын

@@noonevincecarterfan will definitely look into it cheers brother

@noonevincecarterfan

Жыл бұрын

@@Intoadmj Not necessarily. Serotonin medication (SSRI's) are only proven beneficial for about one 3rd of all people with depression. Might be because inflammatory driven breakdowns of serotonin takes place. We also require stable blood sugars (therefore insulin must not too low) for the uptake of serotonin into the brain and our adrenalin levels must be kept in check as well as possible. We can make serotonin ourselves with the help from gut bacterias and our diet (tryptophan - mainly found in meats, especially turkey) along with enzymatic co-factors from iron. This converts into something called 5HTP. Then 5 HTP becomes serotonin via help from vitamins B3,B9 and B12 and magnesium. This natural process works well IF your GUT is working well and that you aren't very inflammed. If you are, your smart body will literally steal tryptophan in order to put out the more serious fires in your body, making it less available to make you happy. When brain levels of serotonin are low, you will also tend to struggle with sleeping as serotonin is converted to melatonin (our sleep hormone). This indirect pathway is best to adress in most cases as it also will adress other health issues you might have, not just drugging the symptoms of them.

When I first read the Title I thought the video would be related to why some of us STAY in relationships or environment that we are aware are toxic or unhealthy. The good old " the devil you know.....". I think alot of us tolerate our current circumstances because we KNOW what to expect ( based on current & past behaviors). The devil you know is safer than the angel you dont. But LEAVING means dealing with the unknown, the unfamiliar, and the Total terror that comes along with no longer knowing what to expect in life. As a person who still has issues with being in control, I would much rather deal with the familiar discomfort of an unhealthy environment than the unknown possibility of a happy one.

Thank you🙏 This is exactly what I needed to hear today. Just the kick in the @ss I needed🙌.

Thank you for your inspiring words 🙏! I got so tired recently to fight my may through and go forward.

Thanks for this. 💥

You are awesome, thank you for this message, so powerful

I am a pain avoider who uses alcohol to take risks. Thanks for the video.

Thank you for your insights. I know I have "climbed out of trauma trenches" only to realize the new plateau was still "rock bottom" to so many..... for my specific mental wiring, getting "locked into a way of thinking" is innate and when I realized it, I decided to "lock in" the truth: "Everything changes; growth comes from discomfort; running away from perceived comfort zones into suffering is as painful and detrimental as running into a comfort zone and never leaving, both extremes are to avoid building a *personal* tolerance zone: accountability, boundaries, integrity, and personal responsibility".... and it's been a few years of that slow growth, relapses, and new perspectives to reach for. I accept that I am going to live with a level of discomfort due to my fibromyalgia and that helps make the moments of activities and pain reduction even more sweet. Living moment to moment within a level of comfort has been another perspective that has kept a "tension of awareness" for me, which has lead to richer memories with family and in life. I deeply appreciate your words and it continues to help me reflect, reframe, and choose again.

I LOVE this insight!!! Thank you!!

Thank you Richard. I value your opinion. This is encouraging me to keep taking risks and grow. To change myself is fulfilling In its own way

Thank you. Always so helpful. 💜 The labels can become comfortable.

Amazing and Brilliant I greatly enjoy your articulate insight thank you Richard.

Beautiful perspective

Reality is very uncomfortable but I'm learning to deal with it daily. Some great deep food for thought here on many levels. 🙏💪💕

Thank you rich Great clarity for my mushed head through loads of toxicity

From the perspective of CPTSD. Comfort driven by trauma is in fact dangerous. This involves remaining in toxic relationships, remaining in toxic jobs, being reactive instead if proactive ect. It's hard to find the balance but as a heuristic in my own life I've noticed taking action in domains I understand ( not specifically relationships). But simple things like work, health and problem solving things has resulted me getting closer to my path. But its obviously always much tougher for the trauma ridden individual who is on 1st gear spinning their wheels in the mud. Reality testing with friends, advisors and people really can help at times.

Richard… LOVED this one. When u r in the middle of this type of relationship; you r always in & out of your comfort zones which brings on the depression & anxiety. It was like surviving a battle field…zig zagging & weaving your way back to Self…only to be repeated pulled in…Richard: I look tired, but the room looks comfy. Sleep more. 😉💕🙏💯💎

It’s worth nailing it again

One of your best videos, imho

Thank richard. You are really smart.

👏🏽 👏🏽… great concise and to the point explanation in 10 mins.

You are speaking the same thoughts and conclusions I have reached for myself, in slightly different words. Understanding that lets you guide yourself better, and with more intent. It lets you better choose the kinds of discomfort that lead somewhere good and steer away from the ones that lead somewhere unpleasant. And it teaches the ways to make a useful distinction between which kind of discomfort is worth embracing and which is best refused. All this offers a kind of inner clarity.

Wonderful insights thank you! 💚

Thank you for great food for thought!

Powerful stuff!

A blind person a sighted person crossing a busy road! What is risk? What is comfort zone? It is different for everyone 🙏🙏 If you woke up and showed up today for yourself well done 🙏🙏

On point Richie 💯 Seems to be a obsessed with balance so been there, 🙄what I now perceive with that is your basically flatlining yourself and by a monitors terms that would mean your dead mate. My notion is to ride waves internal/ external with full appreciation plus discern when to f****** sidestep... Best way forward is to learn and progress in emotional literacy that's been one of your consistent best advice to the community... Walla 💎 LIFE

so true in many cases, and many (a multitudinal) /of/ ways.

@MrSuperG

Жыл бұрын

Yeah ok

@bethetruth6428

Жыл бұрын

@@MrSuperG .

@MrSuperG

Жыл бұрын

What’s your Instagram

Thank you and beautiful

BRAVO Mr Grannon 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Extend our comfort zone through discomfort.

thankyou ❤️ 🙏 Richard

I look forward to this one💞

Love the fact that Richard references human behaviour back to evolution. comfort zone is a complex issue, I think it needs to bit of a balance of both. There is so many layers of comfort zone. In a undeveloped world I don’t think they are living in a comfort zone, For the obvious reasons! but then in more developed societies. We’re are constantly chasing financial freedom, because so many people are still living paycheck to paycheck up there eyeballs in debt. In my personal experience over the past 5 years. Losing your finances and your career. That’s put myself out of that comfort zone, Mentally does make you bit resilient, but on a physiological side giving me anxiety stress! Modern comfort zone it’s all to do with finances. Take that away from people and I’ll be back to full survival mode.

Sometimes people can become obsessed with trying to find a deep deep root of a problem. Like from the day they were born. This is a very difficult thing to do. Wot we remember is enough most of the time though there are always exceptions.

Very interesting points. Got me thinking about my orientation.👍

Absolutely Right. (btw. That bed sure looks Comfy !! ; )

We naturally seek safety as humans. However that state is achieved, is the preferred journey... comfort zone or stressed state, both can be relevant depending on our life's journey. My safe place is to stay small in my comfort zone. That is my trauma bond. It's very hard to step out of that as the world doesn't feel safe.

I have lived in a comfort zone/bubble my entire life. As a child, i never learned how to express my emotions or even how to handle conflict. So i had to learn to self soothe and found my bubble. It has kept me from wanting to try new things, engage in any competitions and I have been a complete people pleaser. I don't know how to stand up for myself and anytime i make a mistake, i feel like I am an awful person and that i don't deserve to be happy or that I even deserve to feel a certain way. I don't know how to get passed this. I've developed narcissism and I've been trying to fix it, but I don't know how to be myself because i don't know whats right or wrong. I have never had love or respect for myself because i never learned how. I just want to live a happy, honest life, but I let others define who I am.. not myself.

Thank you

This was another excellent video from Richard. I needed this reminder to move towards discomfort again. I used to seek it out regularly. *Also, does anyone have an update on Richard's forthcoming book?

Avoiding discomfort and being inconvenienced are weakening.

seek comfort in your coffin, not your life.

Love your work bro!! Such a valid point and never thought of this quite in this way. A beautiful mind is yours. So many good vids over time too. Cheers!

Luke Rockhold, Former UFC champion, recently touched on this subject in an recent interview with Ariel Helwani. He basically said that people are too comfortable these days; too insulated from primal survival stresses and, as a result, we , as a society, are producing weak people.

Excellent 👍👍

@MrSuperG

Жыл бұрын

Why’s your Instagram

I couldn't agree more.

I'm tired of myself fr... we need long video from A to Z how to turn this shit up.. I swear, it's so easy to get down. !!!!

At the age of thirty I left behind a life that had been based on fear and I started again...Willing to be uncomfortable to live a life that gives me comfort...27 years on...good decision.

I should be uncomfortable in a conscious boundaries way! I love this concept. I want to adopt this thinking and start feeling comfortable with it! Brilliant.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

One of the best ways to avoid becoming entangled with narcissists is to create and keep strong boundaries. Narcissists push people's boundaries as a matter of course; they generally don't understand them nor do they respect them. They see no delineation between themselves and other people, therefore no need for personal sovereignty and no necessity to take anyone's needs, space or feelings into consideration. What they feel is what you feel. What they need is what you need. What they want is what you want. If it isn't, it should be. If they feel someone was rude to them, you should also feel that someone was rude to them. If they feel they need to be the most important thing, you should also feel that they need to be the most important thing. This is not just about agreeing with them. It goes deeper than that. In a narcissistic relationship, you as a separate person do not really exist for any practical purpose or in any true way. Boundaries help you assert and retain your sovereignty so that you do not become engulfed and absorbed into other people. They are the definitions of you as a sovereign, individual person, and the epitome of self-care. Boundaries help you avoid narcissists because not only do narcissists have no use for someone with strong boundaries, but you will know that someone is toxic and unhealthy by the way they regard your boundaries. boundaries are not just about saying NO to other people. They are about saying NO to yourself. They are about making decisions in your own best interest, even if it isn't really what you want to do. The truth is, you don't need to be especially educated about narcissistic pathology if you have strong boundaries and practice self-control. Whether they know anything about narcissism specifically or not, a person with strong boundaries and self-control is much more difficult to provoke, manipulate, shame, guilt, or otherwise push into things. Narcissists don't really have any power over people, and many of them are pretty bush-league manipulators if you really look at it. What they are doing is using basic, simple tactics to provoke people into emotional reactions to get what they want, similar to how small children behave. People with strong, clear boundaries who practice self-control are much more difficult to provoke into reacting blindly or inappropriately to their own emotions or to situations, and they are much less likely to be tolerant of toxic personalities doing so. Even if you know nothing about narcissists or are afraid you will not recognize them, establishing strong, clear boundaries and practicing self-control over your reactions to your emotions or difficult situations goes a very long way toward stopping this kind of person from gaining a foothold in your life in the first place. Narcissists manipulate people by violating boundaries and provoking emotional reactions. They constantly attempt to assert power over these things because it is the only weapon they have. They are like children in this way as well. When we can assert agency and power over these things for ourselves, we take this weapon away from them. Without it, they don't really have any. Boundaries are not agreements with other people. Boundaries are not things other people need to agree to, and they are not designed to control other people or change their behavior. Boundaries are your way of saying, "This is how it is. This is what I will accept." When boundaries are in place and enforced correctly, red flags are not red flags anymore. They are deal-breakers. When boundaries are used correctly, the relationship is over before you become too enmeshed to easily get out of it. Boundaries enable you to heed the warnings and the red flags. This means that when someone ignores your boundaries or displays behavior you find inappropriate, rude, disrespectful or unpleasant, you walk away. Narcissists look at things in terms of emotions and fulfilment. "How does this make me feel? What can I get out of this?" When someone has strong boundaries, they will feel rejected because they are not getting what they want. They can't abuse this person to make them feel better, or play mind-games to manipulate someone into chasing after them so to them, the relationship is basically pointless. If they cannot enmesh with another person and emotionally leech off of them, there is no value in the association. People with strong boundaries do not permit enmeshment. Without that, there is no interest from a narcissist. A narcissist will push the boundaries. They can't not do it. Because of the way they view the world, they see no separation between themselves and other people. They believe their feelings are everyone's feelings, and their feelings are all negative and self-centered. It's inevitable that projection will happen, where the narcissist will say how they feel is what you did or what you said or how you feel. Then here come the crazy accusations and the horrible abuse. But instead of trying to explain or figure out what is wrong with this accusing, disrespectful, cruel person, a person with strong boundaries just says, "I will not put up with this" and the relationship ends. They know it doesn't matter what is wrong with this person because that kind of behavior is inexcusable. Narcissists are not interested in people who will not give them excuses. If you will not let them slide, if you will not take their abuse then they are not going to bother with you. This is why it's so important to stick to your boundaries. If you don't hold firm even one time, they will come back at you 10 times harder. They see it as a weakness and they will burrow and twist and dig at that until something or someone breaks. It's a dog trying to get out of a crate. They find one weakness in the structure and they push and dig and shove against it until it breaks and they can get out. Doesn't matter how big of a weakness it is. One crack will do it because the pressure will be mounted until the whole thing falls. The sad, maybe even tragic irony is, that though this is the way we talk about it in order to understand it, the majority of narcissistic people don't think about it this way. There's no big plan involved. These things are simply second nature to them. They are just doing what they've always done. It's how they operate. They have no idea there is some other way to be, or some other way to relate to people and wouldn't care and couldn't change it if they did. This is what they are. That's the other part of why narcissistic people hate boundaries: narcissistic rage. They just plain don't like being told no. You will never see a bigger rage from a narcissist than you see when you tell them no about something. Boundaries are big fat NO. No, you will not act this way. No, you will not treat me like this. No, this relationship will not continue. No, you cannot have what you want. No. No. No. No. Narcissistic rage is a reaction - and remember, everything they do is reactive - to what's called a narcissistic injury. A narcissistic injury is a real or perceived threat to - or attack on - the narcissist's self-worth or self-image. their self-image is horribly negative and they have no self-worth at all other than the false things they project onto the world. As a result of this, these things are very fragile, because the narcissist knows they are false. They are protecting the ugly, damaged, deformed unlovable thing they believed themselves to be. To expose this thing is to die of shame. They are paranoid and terrified that what they really are will be exposed and they overreact to these threats on a large scale. That is what narcissistic rage is. It's a primitive defense reaction to what they consider to be a life-threatening situation. Being told NO is being told "You are not what you are saying you are. You are not a deserving person worthy of things like everybody else. You are worthless and worthy of nothing." Many narcissists will leave the situation rather than risk this exposure, especially early in a relationship. This is one way that boundaries help discourage narcissistic people from pursuing you. However, narcissistic rage can be dangerous if they choose to fight instead of take flight. An example of this is a situation where a man asks a woman to dance at a bar and she says no, so he punches her in the face. In another situation like that, the man stabbed the woman and nearly killed her. Those are both real-life examples of narcissistic rage in reaction to a narcissistic injury, such as rejection. Sometimes the first incident of narcissistic rage is what ends a relationship. Most of the time, though, you will see narcissistic rage when the relationship is established and the narcissist - used to getting their own way - is told no or otherwise feels rejected. Narcissistic rage is often a tool to keep control over the situation, holding the family or the person hostage with abuse and rage until the narcissist gets what they want. It may or may not turn physical, but people will be subjected to abuse, criticism, threats, cruelty, hysteria, the silent treatment and any number of other things until the narcissist is given what they want. It's the dangerous adult version of a temper tantrum.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

Some people disagree with that characterization of the behavior, but narcissists would need to be able to process and understand emotions more maturely in order for it to be something else and most are just not able to do that. Calling it a temper tantrum should not be taken as a way to minimize the severity of this behavior, though. A grown person with emotions that out of control is dangerous and that should never be forgotten. A 2-year-old does not have the ability to harm you during a temper tantrum. An adult does. So, yet another reason why boundaries are so important and so valuable. They not only remind us of our own self-worth, but they keep narcissists away. Can't get better than that. For example, let's say a new friend makes a joke about you that you don't really like. It happens. Sometimes someone can't know the line until they step over it. You tell this new friend, "Hey, you know what? I know we don't know each other that well, but just so you know, I don't really like jokes like that." If someone is respectful and cares about you, they will apologize but more importantly, they won't do it again. This is one of the most tell-tale ways you can recognize toxic people. They don't respect boundaries. They want you to take more of the responsibility for them, the situation or the relationship than you should. They want you to push your feelings, needs or concerns to the side for them. They want to take advantage of your time, your money or your emotional resources. They want the relationship to be unbalanced and mostly one-sided. Strong boundaries prevent you from getting into these relationships before they even start. And remember: boundaries are not just about saying NO to other people. They are about saying NO to yourself. They are about making decisions in your own best interest, even if it isn't really what you want to do. Boundaries help you assert and retain your sovereignty so that you do not become engulfed and absorbed into other people. They are the definitions of you as a sovereign, individual person, and the epitome of self-care. Boundaries help you avoid narcissists because not only do narcissists have no use for someone with strong boundaries, but you will know that someone is toxic and unhealthy by the way they regard your boundaries. Besides boundaries, the most important thing you can do to avoid getting entangled with narcissistic people is to do the work to heal. The most common way people end up stuck in these relationships (whether they are family, romantic or any other kind) is because they were conditioned to accept that kind of treatment. This conditioning can happen in different ways, but it usually has its roots in childhood. Find the patterns in your life. Break the conditioning. Address the old wounds so that you can create new patterns and make healthy choices. We cannot hope to change things without changing them, and the thing we must change most is ourselves. Just so happens, that's also the only thing we can change. Identifying toxicity in others is only half the battle. We must be willing and able to identify unhealthy behaviors in ourselves as well. Otherwise, the face of the person we are in the toxic relationship with may change, but the situation never will. The truth is, the only toxic relationship we truly have is with ourselves. All our other relationships mirror that. The treatment we are willing to accept from others mirrors the way we treat ourselves. If we betray ourselves, we will accept others betraying us. If we disregard our own well-being, we will accept others disregarding our well-being. Once we start treating ourselves better, we stop accepting mistreatment from others as well. This is where healing truly lies. Their weapons are actually not the things they are saying. Their weapons are the way you feel about the things they are saying. They use your own feelings against you. Whether they are using your love for them to manipulate you, or guilt to bully you, or things that get you angry to keep you defensive and off-balance so that they can blame you and take the focus off of themselves and whatever they've done wrong, their weapons are almost exclusively emotional. This is because they are so emotional. Even the ones who seem to show no emotions are usually tortured by self-hatred and shame inside. So they endeavor to do that to everybody else. It's a neat trick, but it's a weak one because it only works if you let it work. You have to play along or it fails. If they throw everything in the book at you but you just stand there and don't react, now what? They look like a childish and possibly unstable person just saying horrible things to someone for no reason - which is exactly what they are. After a while, they even start to look kind of silly. The childishness and ridiculousness of this behavior start to become really apparent when it's just them participating in it. Even the infamous narcissistic silent treatment works this way. It's kind of pointless to ignore someone who doesn't care that you are doing that. The point is that you are supposed to feel upset that they are ignoring you. If you don't, it's kind of silly of them, isn't it? This is how you disarm the narcissist. They don't really have any power over you at all. It's your own emotions that have power over you. Get those under control and the narcissist's games will cease to matter. If you notice, everything they say and do is designed to push an emotional button in other people. The key is to stop buying into it. The way you do that is to stop taking it personally. That sounds difficult, but honestly, it isn't. This is a person who doesn't even understand that others are people the same way they are. How can it possibly be personal? If a three-year-old called you names and said awful things to you, you would not take it personally and you certainly wouldn't believe it could be true. It's the same thing because it's the same mentality. You're hearing the grown-up, more articulate version of a three-year-old's temper tantrum. It's not reality. Even they probably don't really believe it. But even if they do, what does it really matter? You can't change their opinion, and how they treat you wouldn't change either way. It is your own expectations that are hurting you here. Narcissistic people are not reasonable, rational, realistic or fair. More than likely, the narcissistic person in your life has already proven that to you over and over again. They may have misrepresented themselves in the beginning of the relationship but they've probably already revealed who they really are. It's time to stop expecting them to be some other way because they're not going to be. Your expectations are probably normal and reasonable, but they are not going to meet them. If someone cannot understand what you want from them after months or even years of being told over and over again, maybe it's time to stop thinking they don't understand and start considering the possibility that maybe they just don't care. When you take control of your emotions and reactions back, you take the narcissist's power to hurt you away. Because the truth is, it's a scam. It's a lie - just like everything else about them. They have no power. It's been with you all along.

@aliross2720

Жыл бұрын

The only reason the relationship with a narcissist goes the way it does is because people agree to go along with it, whether they realize that or not. And you don't have to do that anymore. We often hear that narcissists "target" people who are empathic and things like that. And while it's true that they are drawn to these people, they are also drawn to people with money, with high social standings and lots of other qualities. They run their game on lots of people. Basically everybody. But it doesn't work on everybody because not everybody wants to play the narcissist's game. Not everybody is vulnerable to their manipulations. People who have poor boundaries are the most susceptible. They don't have the firm limits on what they will not accept the way that other people do. People who have strong boundaries have a very hard line regarding what they will not tolerate. The first time the narcissist is disrespectful or pushes a boundary, these people end the relationship. Dealing with narcissistic people is traumatic on many levels: mentally, emotionally, sometimes physically and even sexually. Personal or intimate relationships of any kind with this type of person are usually very inconsistent. There is love bombing, followed by abuse, followed by more love bombing followed by more abuse. This cycle may continue for years. This type of repetitive inconsistency often results in what is called a trauma bond. When we become upset or stressed, such as when we are angry, our body starts dumping chemicals into our system like adrenaline, cortisol and endorphins. In a relationship like the kind experienced with most pathologically narcissistic people, these hormones are triggered frequently. In most abusive relationships, after the abuse there is usually a period of idealization and good times. During these times, the body also dumps chemicals into our system, such as dopamine and more endorphins. Over time, the body starts to become habituated and even dependent after a fashion on this cycle and the resulting chemicals, like an addiction. This cycle is called an "arousal-jag." The habituation to this cycle and the trauma bonds you to the abuser, making it very difficult to leave the relationship, even when you don't love or even like the person anymore. Trauma bonds should not be underestimated. They are powerful and take time and deliberate action to break, like any other addiction. The important thing to remember is that it is an addiction to the cycle, not the person. For whatever reason, at some point in your life you probably became enmeshed in a trauma bond and have now become susceptible to them. Maybe you had a trauma bond with a parent. Maybe the narcissist you're having trouble with right now is your parent. Addiction creates new pathways in the brain and it is likely that the addiction to the drama cycle - and therefore the narcissist - is no different. That pathway will always be there, and if something triggers it, it can become a problem again. This is why for example, people who have narcissistic parents end up in narcissistic marriages. This is the path they know. Think of these neural pathways in your brain as like a trail in the woods. When you first start using a trail, it's rough going. It's not defined, there are weeds and rocks and things everywhere. The more you use the trail, the easier it will become to use. It gets smoother. It gets more compact. It becomes your preferred pathway, because it's the one you are the most used to using. This is what happens during addiction. The path has been created and you are walking it every day. When the drug is removed from the equation, such as when you leave the narcissistic person and are not engaged in the drama cycle anymore, you are trying to carve out a different path. And it's hard. You've got your machete out and you're cutting away at the vines and the thorns, but man, it just seems like you're getting nowhere. You are. Our brains are extremely adaptable. They can adapt to almost anything we throw at them, and though it doesn't happen right away, your brain will adapt to the new pathway you are building. Just like any other addiction or habit, it takes time to create a new way of doing things. Until this is addressed, people will often find themselves in the same kind of relationship over and over again. Addiction to the drama cycle can create a situation where a person is unable to feel satisfied or fulfilled by a relationship unless there is drama involved. They can feel bored or unloved in "normal" or non-abusive relationships where there is no arousal-jag. This is of course unhealthy and damaging, so addressing the addiction to drama - and the reasons behind it - are very important. there is no quick fix to break a trauma bond and the addiction it is attached to, just like there is no quick fix for quitting smoking or getting off heroin. There is no trick to it and no short cut. There is no way to avoid the work and be successful. You have to get very clear about what you want, get very clear about what is real and what is fantasy, and then you have make the decision every day multiple times a day not to engage in the behaviors that are perpetuating the addiction. It takes commitment, willpower and time, and it requires being uncomfortable for a while. Many times, in narcissistic relationships, people place the sole blame for their situation on the narcissist. It's certainly true that narcissists are 100% to blame for their own bad behavior. But they are not responsible for anyone else's actions, tempting as it is to blame them. We are all responsible for our own actions and even if it's embarrassing, we cannot be afraid to take this responsibility. If we are, we cannot change anything. Pathologically narcissistic people do not change or grow precisely because they refuse to take responsibility for anything and in doing so, they render themselves completely helpless in their own lives. You are not helpless. You can live intentionally. You can take responsibility for your own actions so that you can learn what you could have done differently and have a better, stronger future where you are not controlled by your past, your traumas, or your negative emotions. It's called soulwork, and you are all doing it right now. That's something narcissists will probably never be able to do.

@peacejoy3629

Жыл бұрын

@@aliross2720 oh my god.. Can't find wooords omg thank u thank u sooo so much 🙏💕 I found answers for almost my questions specially the "what after the escape move" The feeling of bein lost nd trapped when I leave " I'll leave her she is old now.. how I'm gonna face God.. Shame guilt trapped and physically energetically tired and mentally not really put together like a lot of questions and two voices inside, one wants the safe plan which it knows the results, like can see it and tell me to stay with her and do my best to grow healthy and help her, and think bout ur reputation if u move out she gonna create false things and how people dadadaaa but then the other voice is just I should not care what people gonna say if this is the price okay let them think I'm a bad daughter.. And this voice is just screaming noo you just gonna be trapped more nd more if u stay longer she's not here she's completely unaware of herself and u will just end up like her dead inside how many times u can maintain the calm face and cold numb yourself round her!!?? U just gonna end up heartless, bitter and have no fire to live LIFE u wanna be a cycle just like her?? So run go out and never look back it's risky u don't know what the future holds but fine just do it and God see and knows that you're not a bad daughter.. Cuz I am a Muslim so she's using religious to control me she even make a duaa to God punish me like don't know how to explain it but they're an extreme wishes to someone who did a looot lot of sins and bad things to someone or in life so he deserves to be punished She hates me and she says it every single day... I just want to ask u if there's any practical ways to do so I can ground my brain how can I maintain a focused mind, heart physical vibration during the daily insults and the protecting, the curses.. Till I get the physical power ( nd finally get some sleep) to move out cuz feel like physically I'm tired can't afford being around her or oh when she touches me laughiiing after ma she teared me down and cleaned the floor with my self esteem. I just feel disgusted Iike oh my god you're just so faaake eviil Oh and she's doing updates new plan new agenda she said you're 23. enough. time to find yourself a husband. a rich one so I can get rid of u. u want to stay in my house forever! a long blabla then comparing another or creating another scenario of a woman who her husband takes care of her mum and just when she says " ay " he drive long just to take her to the doctor and drive her to places and dadada.. Like SHE married him not her daughter, and just like oh my god now a new thing to deal with I should go ouuuut from here sooner but there's steps I should do before nd I don't know how I should behave she just don't stop till I yell back and defend myself then she stop and go passively arguing with herself in another room cuz we're sharing the same room, she left her room recently to micromanage me and what I TRY to do even facial expression she takes everything and understand everything wrong I being a robot around her stiiill argue and create things to be mad at. I know I'm different I holding myself from being me nd it kills me in the past I used to ignore her and go laugh sing dance nd spread joy around the house they just stay silent, dismissed nd treated as I don't exist I didn't know back then but now I feel the situation weakens me by time and I feel distracted plus her bringing up the potential of marriage is terrifying I don't want to let my brain turn against me and just marry anyone in order to run from here just as she did to escape her family malignant mother So I know it's a sick cycle loosing game and there's a fine line to become a narc itself. It's that last little flame that See's the truth it's done and u only thing to move out ruun nd if it lost the person become more weak and helpless and turn to victim mentality and bom become delusional unaware of himself and no touch with reality and a cycle himself. Wrote a lot sorry I really hope u made till here I would really want u to advise me

@peacejoy3629

Жыл бұрын

@@aliross2720 posted it just now and I realized I've wrote a loooot Sorrry pored my heart and thoughts out I really hope you help me with your knowledge

Agree with the theory; however not sure if Ritchie’s timing was intentional or just really unfortunate as the cost of living & energy crisis hits the UK in a way we haven’t seen in at least 40 years. There’s gonna be thousands, millions even, of us who can’t afford warm homes or to eat on a daily basis when October’s rate rise hits. That isn’t about choosing to grow from toxic comfort, it’s mass deprivation of basic needs by the very rich.

Being comfortable with the uncomfortable will be the lesson of this Winter Season for sure, whether we like it or not...blackouts, no streets lights, poverty, mental health, crime etc...Sometimes external events are meant to cause that type of shifting for those who are comfortably on the couch, there are no shortcuts in life...Westerners like to think that we're under control, but we do very little...we can only choose to perceive that as a threat or challenge...as a curse or a game. Instead, we can think that we're inside a videogame where our senses will sharpen...I like these topics about resilience and tools for the apocalypse :)

@frankdelahue9761

Жыл бұрын

I should walk naked on Antarctica.

@zu8507

Жыл бұрын

@@frankdelahue9761 with Mariah Carey on your shoulders.

@frankdelahue9761

Жыл бұрын

@@zu8507 With Jenna Jameson.

@zu8507

Жыл бұрын

@@frankdelahue9761 hahhah

Comfort is familiarity and change is actually hard for all humans, as all change involves loss. That said, loss of abuse is clearly a gain. Trauma bonding will tell you otherwise.