One day I typed into Google " why would someone be cruel to you when you are ill?" . The answer came up because they are a narcissist. I had never heard of a covert narcissist. I always felt sorry for my husband. When I threaten to leave he weeps uncontrollably. Then pulls the same shit next week. If I had understood covert narcissism I would never have married him.

@bethatz252

Жыл бұрын

I understand completely

@NazirAhmed-cs1ub

Жыл бұрын

38years with a controlling,manipulative, self centered, liar, cheat and a thief. I am going through a rollercoaster atm 10months free and I'm frightened of another side of what he's capable of doing and probably will do. You never know someone 💯% as I'm experiencing and going through it. Thank you I find it helpful 😊

@Laura-nl8df

Жыл бұрын

I'll bet he's got a Borderline personality disorder too. Npd is a common comorbidity to BPD. One of the worst Cluster B personality disorder combinations walking around. They do not change. They only become more covert.

@notyourpunchingbag1431

Жыл бұрын

@@NazirAhmed-cs1ub 38 years? Are you like on the 1800’s ! I mean how many lives did you thought you had

@susanharris3552

Жыл бұрын

​@@notyourpunchingbag1431 I'm divorcing my narcissist after 35 years together. Yes it's a long time. And yes it's painful.

A covert narcissist will never forget a perceived slight, insult or a bad deed done to them. They will store it for ever, waiting for their moment to strike back.

@psalm1197

9 ай бұрын

Absolutely

@samscarletta7433

7 ай бұрын

They will be waiting a long time.. I'm out of that mess.

@psalm1197

7 ай бұрын

@@samscarletta7433 same!

@mikevanleeuwen4912

3 ай бұрын

Ex: i remember every detail of times you fucked up Me: so when did you start cheating on me Ex: i can't remember those details

@MJ-qb5ph

3 ай бұрын

They probably caused it

My mother was like this. We were born to serve her and make her feel special.

@yehhshhs

Жыл бұрын

Dear lord have mercy on you

@BarcelonaChill

Жыл бұрын

My mom probably soothed her ego when i was a boy and would outstretch my arms and tell her that i loved her that much after asking me that!

@waynec369

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely! Being raised by narcissistic parents you're taught how to serve, not how to live.

@liriarose

9 ай бұрын

Same

@Amylyn..

4 ай бұрын

My mom is evil also ❤ that don't mean I don't love her❤ .... It means I love her from W A Y W A Y over here now

It has taken all these years to realize my only brother is one,and at sixty seven is getting worse, so l am going grey rock whenever possible.

@deconstructing7307

Жыл бұрын

My sister! She's 57 and ten years older than me. I suddenly realize why I've always hated her despite her "kindness," why she always seems too stupid to understand the simplest of concepts, and why she has never treated me as an equal. I'm a master at gray rock, but I developed it instinctively, without awareness of it as a defense strategy (freeze, flight). Now I feel fully justified in being cold around her without faking niceties. ❤

@user-ve8zq1gx8g

11 ай бұрын

This past year I finally realized my partner of 8 years and father two is indeed one too. I have to leave this relationship before it destroys me. It’s quite difficult, because I don’t want to damage our 4 year old anymore then our relationship already has. I would never attempt to remove him from their lives, but maybe a shared parenting , would be better for everyone. When we have time away, the first day back isn’t as difficult . If that makes sense.. Our other babe is nine months, so with them both young I hope and even pray he will agree to be civil for them. I guess I just want to send you solidarity and hope you can find a safe ground with your brother I’m sure you love. Hard when it’s someone you love and cannot simply “remove” from your life, but need to figure out how to safely live with

Seething rage, contempt and the triangulation and scheming behind my back all while showing a nice face publicly. I didn’t learn he was smearing my name until the very end of the relationship.

@chocolatesugar4434

Жыл бұрын

💔❤️

@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807

Жыл бұрын

They crave attention like toddlers and if you ignore them, they will constantly nag you for it. If you don't greet them first, you can best believe they will force a greet

@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807

Жыл бұрын

They are materialistic too and love to brag. They are worse than overt narcs, only quieter. They eavesdrop on others' conversations and later question them about it as though they are concerned. They will feign illnesses to get attention and sympathy. Yep, they are great at triangulation and stand on the sidelines and watch while things unfold. Whilst others are in chaos, coverts are calm and unnerving and get a kick out of it

@dontbelongherefromanotherp9807

Жыл бұрын

They are needy and clingy and want sympathy

@sh6460

Жыл бұрын

Exactly

"vulnerable narcissists tend to live a life of unfulfillment, constant strain and negative emotions." my ex, in one sentence. I was still wondering but nah... that's it!

@GustavoGarcia-hi4yq

5 ай бұрын

Literally me :(

Spot on. This is a perfect description of my husband's behavior. No solution, suggested for their endless problems, is sufficient. They don't want solutions. They want to be miserable and make everyone else miserable in the process.

@hellzgurl

9 ай бұрын

I feel you. I'm married to one too...

@daedalusjones4228

4 ай бұрын

My father, precisely.

you said they punish by withdrawing , give you the silent treatment and abuse through neglect by withholding things like attention Spot on.

Covert vulnerable narcissist wear a mask to everyone but their closest relationships. They save their anger and abuse for spouse or partner. Because their behaviors are not as extreme as a grandiose narcissist, they can stay years in relationships. I realized my ex husband ( of 35 years!) was a covert narcissist only after my divorce when I was in therapy. It is particularly devastating because almost no one believes you that behind closed doors, he was emotionally and physically abusive.

@mariagilchrist3173

Ай бұрын

Completely agree with you! My ex narc was so two faced… nobody could possibly believe he abused me mentally.. they would say “he is such a nice guy” he really had so many people fooled.

You must have used my ex-husband as a case study. Until recently, I denied he was a narcissist because he didn't fit the grandiose behavior that I thought was the only form of narcissism. Thank you for for informative videos.

@wendyelliott6828

Жыл бұрын

My step daughter is perfectly described here!

@manleenkaur7942

Жыл бұрын

Me too.

@ria2159

3 ай бұрын

My mother and sister, too.

They have a long memory in regards to themselves, but no memory in regards to you.

@clincpb8903

2 ай бұрын

Bearing grudge and being vindictive

Narcissists are masters at wearing a mask for a while but you'll probably get to see behind it after a few months. If do discover someone is wearing a mask and when that pain comes, please remember you are just as precious as you believe them to be. Don't sell yourself short or become their dumping ground. My advice to anyone considering a serious relationship, take a couple of years to really get to know a person before you commit your life to them. Time won't hurt a developing healthy relationship. I'm sure even healthy relationships have their difficulties but no one needs the torment of living with a narcissist who will most likely discard you anyways, sooner or later. Guard your heart. Don't rush in. Also, I'm not sure if a narcissist can ever truly have fun that's not at someone else's expense. I think, not having a healthy sense of humor or the ability to laugh at themself, at times, should be a huge red flag.

@MJ-qb5ph

3 ай бұрын

Totally

@karadiberlino

3 ай бұрын

Agreed! It takes time to get to know someone and usually it takes time to think clearly about anything that could be a red flag. And oh yes! The lack of self-irony is definitely a huge red flag! I spoke about this with the AI Pi a few days ago, we discussed humour and how it is a sign of intelligence. Why there are type of people (typically men) who thrive on jokes at the expense of others. Jokes that are not even funny at all! 🤷🏻‍♀️ They will chuckle and giggle and cackle like it‘s the most brilliant joke ever, when it‘s in fact just rude and insensitive! They don‘t even seem to care when nobody else laughs and yet they do it again and again. We came to the conclusion, it must be a sense of superiority (the others don‘t get the joke because I am so smart) and they get a kick out of the negative reactions (as long as it doesn‘t hurt ME it‘s funny). I have started calling them out, which was uncomfortable at first but I can‘t stay silent anymore. It is absolutely ok to ask: „Why are you laughing? This is not funny!…How is this amusing to you? It is not appropriate when I am in pain/hurt!…Why is it funny to you when nobody else thinks it‘s funny?…Have you ever thought that laughing/giggeling in this kind of situation might hurt someone else‘s feelings?…“ It works every time! You can immediately see that they are bad actors, they will act like they didn‘t giggle and fake empathy as to not look bad! ☝🏼 For them it‘s all about reputation. These inappropriate laughters are always a sign of a very deeply insecure person. They feel uncomfortable with empathy in general (too much inner work for them, when it comes to inner work the are flat out lazy) and they probably learned as a child that when they clown around and act all stupid, they never have to face consequences. Well as an adult it‘s about time! I think it‘s the lowest anyone calling themselves civilised can get, to go around hurting people and getting a laugh out of it. Or just laughing when someone is hurt or in pain. It is definitely a part of evil and needs to be called out! Haha sorry this got a bit long, but humour is such a big part of detecting narcs! 💯 They also often don‘t get funny harmless jokes, only when someone is hurt they get off on that…they are very weak and low people, whatever job or status they have. 🤡🎭 In men you can often see that they either have a trophy wife or have been single forever. 😂

Chilling how accurate this is.

@daedalusjones4228

9 ай бұрын

How accurate and how comprehensive.

@tonytrinidad4409

9 ай бұрын

Yes it is

@janskeet1382

9 ай бұрын

It went like this. ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅ ✅

Excellent ! A female work colleague - Quiet and seemingly vulnerable (at first), lovely smile but...If I was in a good mood any day, I'd notice my mood slightly dampened after encountering her. With hindsight it was the back-handed compliments, her hot and cold attitude depending on her need for a compliment on any given day, jealous of attention given to fellow female colleagues, never at fault, selective memory, and absolutely thrived on gossip.... I kept trying to understand, to see the inner child - a waste of time! Been no contact, grey rock, since January - knowing I will never get a rational discussion about her antics. Tough on an empath being chewed up and spat out, but definitely an education on these damaged people.

My mother is a covert narcissist and my brother, the golden child, is an overt narcissist. He's busy turning his son into the next narc in the family. Both my mother and brother have made my life and my father's life miserable. My father is so beaten down by their constant abuse that he sided with my mother when I told her she hurt my feelings. I was disowned for standing my ground. I've gone no contact after counselling and realising that I was the scapegoat in our dysfunctional family. Life has never been better. That constant negativity and drama makes you ill.

@KatWoodland

4 ай бұрын

@clawdabove1941 Why are there so many of these narc?

Spot on definitions, thank you for the re-validation. Covert Malignant Narcissist Father is a NPD superstar. Grand in the "I AM YOUR FATHER, DON'T THINK THAT OF ME BOY!" mode, and confused, weak and victimised when the overt control is not working. Exhausting and confusing, no contact from the whole family system for me is the only survival method available. I can only imagine the crimes I am now responsible for in their toxic, cult clan echo chamber. Onwards to healthy respect and love where it is wanted and valued.

@susansheldon2707

Жыл бұрын

The "cult clan echo chamber"! Yes! I think that's one of the hardest things I've had to deal with when going no contact: realizing how badly my name / reputation is and has been been trashed. And of how many family /acquaintance minions are unchallengingly and baselessly accepting the slander and malicious accusations as "truth." When they can't trash you personally, they drag your name through the pit of their own moral filth.

My SO alternates between thinking she's the greatest thing since sliced bread while claiming I'm worthless to feeling like a poor vulnerable victim who needs "love" and unconditional support

You explain this so accurately. I was friends with one for decades. It was utterly draining and I started to get ill. Though it was a hard thing to do, and though her family smeared me, I’ve never been happier or less stressed since quitting the friendship.

@Justhannahfashion

4 ай бұрын

I’m at this stage with a friend now and only recently found the term covert narcissist. Her behaviour and attitude have been draining for quite some time but this video sums her up to a tee. No one has it harder than her. I’ve had to pull out of a night away and my gosh the passive aggressiveness is very annoying. I’ve got no one else to go with me and she reminds me of how she’s always been a massive supporter of me and she’ll give me my money back but I’ve got to wait as she’s paying off Christmas/daughters birthday. 🙄

Ugh, I hooked up with a covert narcissist over a period of time. Should have trusted my instincts. Even if we weren’t close he manipulated me and discarded me, and did it effectively. Plus he checks ALL of the boxes. And people around him doesn’t know about his narcissistic personality, they just say ”he’s been burnt, he’s just immature, he’s insecure”. Yeah, sure, he’s all of that - but he also has one of the biggest egos in town. Yesterday I decided I need to just let go. He will never apologise, he won’t feel sorry.

One of the best and most complete and easy to follow summary list of covert narcissist traits I've watched. I appreciate the manner in which you deliver the info as well. Easy going, not over-dramatized. Great video and content. Thank you.

@daedalusjones4228

9 ай бұрын

Darren is the most PROFESSIONAL person I've found in my search for info on this subject. I mean his demeanor, professional integrity, care in choosing his words, and his grasp of the seriousness of this subject. The life-and-death aspect of it. The daily misery. They maim you.

number 11...Paranioa/mind reading. Constantly, on a daily basis claiming they know what I'm thinking and it's always negative. Not paying enough attention or even a wrong glance, or just about anything for that matter, was met with 'you don't really love me' or 'you don't want to be with me' The constant reassurances needed from that kind of insecurity was exhausting, and so hurtful to be constantly defending myself and my total love I had for her....

Covert ate really sneaky. For years my husband triangulated we family, friends, and i was put on the defense. He would never tell them he stonewalls, gaslights, and lies. The victim role is his big thing!

My dad only wanted one child but my mom perceived that my older sister loved him while rejecting her in the year after she was born and demanded they have a second child, which she would claim as her own. I was born to feed my mom's insecurity, and she aggresively tried to stop my dad from teaching me his good lessons to instead fill my head with her insanity. My resulting struggles in life are not her fault but rather the result of me reading astrology books as a teen and opening the door to demonic possession.

Same here! 29 years of telling me he doesn't want to be that person, however he is!

A wolf in sheep's clothing.

@NopeNotTodaySatan

Жыл бұрын

Absolutely!!!

@michaelgmyhan6277

Жыл бұрын

Some of them actually have tattoos of the wolf lol ...like a badge of honor.

I asked God to show himself to me and he sent this video to my suggestions. This is my mother! And I am the scapegoat child. I have been abused by neglect and gaslighted when I react to the abuse my entire life. Thank you for this video. You have awakened a fire in me. I have to get away from her.

My covert narcissist mistreated me on Christmas while I was pregnant. On the abortion day he was angry cause he couldn’t find parking and went to buy weed in the way home instead of taking me home to rest. Two weeks after abortion he said he had “hotter girls than me”, abuses never stopped until I realized who he was or what he was because he was not human with me at all. They will ruin holidays and special days for you, that is also a sign. They will diminish any achievement and use the things you trusted them about your life against you cause they know you me your insecurities and traumas very well.

These people are so hard to spot as they constantly confuse you... I recently realized my best friend of 25+ years is a vulnerable narc. It's a hard pill to swallow but it finally makes everything make sense

@judithdasta3969

6 ай бұрын

Why try to spot a narcissist? What the heck are we doing? All this categorizing is dividing families, friends and potential friends. You have a friend of 25 years-treasure this person.

@kourtenayt1927

6 ай бұрын

@judithdasta3969 uhh no. You don't keep people in your life who are treating you badly bcuz of some time frame you have known them.... that's really toxic. That's like telling someone to stay in a bad marriage bcuz they been married a long time. People stay in bad relationships/friendships for all sorts of reasons that don't make it good for them

@judithdasta3969

6 ай бұрын

@@kourtenayt1927 I have seen the horrible effects of labeling in my own family. My son labeled my daughter as a covert narcissist because she fit a few of the “so called” traits. Now, he looks at everything she says as being narcissistic. She is a loving, empathetic person and is deeply hurt to be labeled like this. Once you put people in a box, it can destroy relationships. Now my daughter is afraid of how to act around her own brother. He thinks he knows why she does or says something, and he is so wrong. The Internet is full of psychologists giving advice on how to “rid people” out of your lives. ANd because of this, our society has become more divided because people over scrutinize everything a person says or does.

Ah Mother. Went no contact a year ago and don't miss her crazy crap one little bit.

Being around them, everything about them (unless you're doing saying thinking feeling behaving how they want) is negative, negative negative! The way they're able to control from a back seat is phenomenal. Plus they don't have your back! When the rubber hits the road they'll put themselves first, every single time. When they do something for you, there is always something in it for them.

After 40 years knowing my mother wasn't 'right' and the last 15 or so knowing she was a covert narc, I truly now believe she's Borderline. Though she perfectly fits what you've just described, the book 'Understanding Your Borderline Mother' also describes her behaviour exactly. She fits the Queen and Witch sub-types to a tee. No matter what you call it, it's very unpleasant to be around. But clarity on my part has made a massive difference. I finally know that I'm not at fault.

@erikavaleries

Жыл бұрын

Mine too. It's a horrible start to life

@susansheldon2707

Жыл бұрын

My older (74) sister was diagnosed about 15 years ago as Borderline, and she, too, displays a high degree of narcissism whenever she goes through another Borderline episode. She recently attacked me viciously via written letters, accusing me of all manner of purely imagined crazy, rotten things, then declaring she's done with me. I decided at last to stop being patient with her and to accept complete no contact with her from now on. I can't fix crazy with patience or even with love. It's sad.

@yamlwoz

Жыл бұрын

@@susansheldon2707 it is sad, but how long, how much effort, wasted love and heartbreak are we supposed to endure? I wish I'd gone no contact with my mother years ago. She's 86 now and I suppose I'm resigned to just getting through whatever is left to her, but next month I'm going on a road trip for about a year. Can't wait to be shot of her for that time except occasional phone calls. She doesn't even deserve that much. I'm really glad that you've decided to let your sister go. Be free, be happy and take it from me, there's no guilt to feel, just the true peace that you've never felt before 🌹

@yamlwoz

Жыл бұрын

@@erikavaleries it really is. I'm so sorry you know all about it 🌹

@erikavaleries

Жыл бұрын

@@yamlwoz HUGS 🤗

This need for reassurance is a way to eternally regulate their negative emotions that they can't handle themselves.

I've always been wondering if I was a psychopath, but this one fits the bill much better. I'm not sure how to fight this, but I know it hurts me and deprives me of a better life. As a child I wasn't like this, I would like to go back. At least I'm not hurting anyone, I tend to keep to myself for the most part.

@Jegebruikersnaam

7 ай бұрын

Avoidant... A narc wouls not say and think this.

@gavinr5576

6 ай бұрын

Narcissists are not the type to self-reflect like this. They pretty much never see themselves as the perpetrator. You are likely the victim of a narcissistic parental figure and have absorbed some similar traits through exposure to them. You can heal. It takes time and hard work, but you've already taken the first step. You've recognised and admitted that you possess some of these traits, something a true narcissist would never do.

@SuperPrDude

4 ай бұрын

Hats off to you, Sir. The simple fact that you said that, tells me you HAVE EMPATHY and you love yourself. Those are STRONG AND POWERFUL QUALITIES. You're on the right path

I used to ask, “Why would she do/say that?” Darren, you just nailed it!!

I’m 66 years old and have been under the control of my narcissistic brother and father all my life. My parents recently died, so brother is in full-on control mode. Fortunately, he has a new girlfriend who he believes is perfect and the source of narcissistic fuel forever. I see this as a singular opportunity for me to escape. I hate to dump this on the new girl, but they appear to be a perfect match. Everything you’ve said is 100% truth. I am winding up my parents’ estate as quickly as possible so that I will be truly free to live my own version of my life…for whatever of my life is left. Thank you for articulating this truth so clearly. I’m saving it for review.

You just describe my life living with my husband in 11 minutes. Everyone thought I was a bad wife, not knowing i am going through with my narcissistic abuser husband. He's so nice to outsiders, but the children and I are being abused. All his friends side him based on what they see him do for people

Another sign of a vulnerable female narcissist is when you’ve known them for about a day and they take you home and tell you that you can put it in any hole in their body for as long as you like. And people wonder why it’s so hard to let go of them!

I’ve now looked at some videos about narcissism from other people - and can definitively say that THIS channel is the best, the most objective, and the most professional.

This describes my late mother to a T. My late father used to jokingly refer to her as "St. Jane the Martyr" because she made everyone feel "less than", that she was the only one who worked so hard, was so giving, why does everyone have to come to me for help, nobody appreciates what I do, etc. etc. But what it did was create a serious lack of self-esteem for me. The constant guilting-out and invalidating did a lot of damage, and it took me many years to finally come to terms with it. Thank you for your insightful videos -- healing is an ongoing process and these videos really help.

These folks are the worst. Had a friend like this & thank god she moved away to be someone else’s problem because as she aged - she was getting worse.

I think that I may be a covert narcissist, or at least exhibit a lot of traits of them. I read through one of my journals and the problems that I dealt with back when I was a teen to now (24) have remained largely the same. I feel sick that the only thing I can think of is how hard I have it in comparison to others. I want to improve and do better, and I do believe this is the first step toward doing better.

@superhappy2880

10 ай бұрын

A TRUE Narcissist (NPD diagnosed) will never think or wonder if they are a narcissist. I think you are brave to look into this for yourself and that also says you aren’t a narcissist ❤

@ThisSillyPaw

10 ай бұрын

@@superhappy2880 I have diagnosed NPD and yes you can be aware you have NPD all though it is not common, it is a myth that people with NPD cannot be aware, they 100% can.

@sxxon751

10 ай бұрын

@@ThisSillyPawyea I had a narcissist friend back in university who was quite open with being a narcissist.

@gordo6908

8 ай бұрын

from what ive read, narcissism is caused by very early trauma. other problems can also manifest similarly to narcissism, like cptsd. if you really wanna know probably gonna have to get tested by professionals a few times

@timmywitty1432

7 ай бұрын

@@superhappy2880 that’s not true, many cluster b personality disordered people are aware something is wrong with them.

Very good video' s. Depending on the situation, a narcissist can exhibit overt and covert (mixed) narcissistic behavior. Alcohol does them no good either and if there are setbacks in the field of work or income (shame), for example: hide...NO: RUN.

Oh yes... Some of them are very good actors.

@karoshi2

Жыл бұрын

Until you see through the mask. Find it hard to understand how one can't see the obvious, but I've been the same for 14 years. Somewhat tragically humorous, that they so desperately need to be special, yet are super predictable once you got how they act.

@FilipRanogajec

Жыл бұрын

@@karoshi2, I learned that too by surviving through their schemes.

@karoshi2

Жыл бұрын

@@FilipRanogajec congrats for gaining back your freedom. Hope you've got a terrific life in peace now!

@FilipRanogajec

Жыл бұрын

@@karoshi2, it's certainly better, but life is hard even without those egomaniacs. There are still things to improve, and hopefully it will happen sometime soon. Thanks though.

@dibrentley7915

2 ай бұрын

Its kinda sad to see a 64 year old man cry, and when told to just stop, he can. Yeah those crocodile tears dont work on me they once did but not anymore.

Excruciatingly accurate. Thank you for putting this so succinctly.

Thank you so much, Darren!!!

Imply rather than saying outright

Your videos are so easy to follow and understand. Thank you!

This is 100% bang on!

I was worried I was a covert Narcissist (like my mother) but I always felt more like an HSP empath. Then I was diagnosed with Autism, so it all makes sense now! Still trying to tell myself I'm not a narc! I care waay too much about others feelings, but my mother thinks she does too. She doesn't

Wow perfectly articulated!

Sounds quite similar to what the narcissist does to the scapegoat.

@madmesh978

7 ай бұрын

Have a bath and meet....watch out for 3 scorpio bi polar girls.......I crop them in a circle in Wiltshire 😊

Thank U. So spot on. It's truly frightening. I never knew anything illness like this but my ex for 4 yrs is EXACTLY like how you explained. He's a singer/musician with an abandoned childhood. So entitled and turned issues around and just shocking! One minute fine, another minute turning into a monster!

Found it very interesting And informative thanks.

This is my daughter to a tee! She does have some genetic issues and learning disabilities and has been in therapy and counseling for years and years. Medications do nothing for her. She can't live on her own but is doing nothing but causing problems in the home. Nothing we do helps her, and she won't do anything to help herself.

@petekdemircioglu

Жыл бұрын

Get ready to finance her for many more years to come. Thats Whats going to happen with high probability. They dont accept Theyre the problem and dont go to theraphy.

@Alsatiagent

Жыл бұрын

Traits of narcissism are passed unknowingly from parent to child. That is why it spans generations in families.

@suemiller6801

Жыл бұрын

@@petekdemircioglu That's already addressed.

You describe exactly my boyfriend for the past 8 years. Thank you very much!!! This is the best/most meaningful video for me, of all I have heard. It hit right in!!!

that's a pretty accurate description of my husband..... Unfortunately for me, because I didn't now about the covert aspect, it took me a while to understand that he was a narcissist.....

Fantastic summary. This fully describes my neighbour of 7 years. The only thing I would add is ‘pets’ to the last part. This neighbour of mine has had two dogs die of seizures in the last couple of years and her current two are fearful of her. The poor things are miserable but she always has to have two dogs as, I suppose ‘attention getters’. I went through hell and back with her last summer because I offered to do something for her (she’s elderly) and when I didn’t do it right away, she snapped. I certainly didn’t deny her the right to have someone else do it either. She has always tried to find some way to get under my skin and I’ve never let her. Like slopping paint down my side of the fence when she painted her side, and feigning how bad she is at it and careless but not apologizing. Little things, but lots of them. All is better now that I’ve determined to ignore her. Thank you for the opportunity to rant! Keep up the great work!

@isaiahknecht652

Жыл бұрын

My ex covert narc has 4 dogs and she doesn't treat them right most of the time and only is nice to them when she wants attention. They are very misbehaved and if you even try to do anything to correct them she scolds you for not "handling" them correctly. When they have pretty much destroyed her house and she doesn't even try to fix it up. She expects so much from other people while at the same time lacks in so many things

Such a wonderful video. - - Thank you so much.

Your videos on covert narcissism are, as I know it, astonishingly accurate. "The Covert Narcissist Wife" video defines my recent ex of four plus years, with the only caveat being that she didn't idealize her previous relationships. I don't know if she is a narcissist, but I highly suspect that she may be. Though I'm still struggling with the fallout from the relationship as well as some of the choices I made along the way, I'm doing much better than I was before having discovered your content. Thank you. I genuinely hope you didn't have to endure a relationship with a covert narcissist to gain the understanding that you have, but something tells me that's exactly what happened. You matter, you are important, your thoughts are valuable, and you are doing great and effective things

You described exactly the man I was with wow best analyst ever!

This is very helpful thank you

My ex girlfriend is covert narcissist it took six years for these patterns to play out Such a shame that an immensely beautiful smart and creative women that I loved couldn’t acknowledge and rise above her feelings of shame and insecurities as a result of the overwhelming negative feelings she harboured from her upbringing. I believe her mother was the Narcissist Matriarch and unbeknownst to her was the cause of her behaviour. Such a sad and vicious cycle of manipulation that is repeating itself till this day. I now can only communicate with her with a sense of pity, and to support where I can, despite her continuing attempts to devaluate me and repeatedly try to justify her treatment of me in our relationship.

Thank you for another very informative video! I put up with these behaviors for decades and literally felt crazy. I am so grateful to finally be able to understand this and appreciate these videos.

@eugeneborisenko5237

Жыл бұрын

How are you dealing?

It's like you've told my fortune Darren with regards to my parent who loves stonewalling. Completely accurate and spot on.

Same! My mom. She could of gave me a hint. I would of never guessed that the demon wanted me to expressively say "what a great mom.” The silent treatment ain’t no retreat either. Instant causes you as a child to panic and feel like you’re in danger. She would look right through me and act like I didn’t exist. Right after saying that we cool and we’re more like best friends. And never forget she said, that she loves me unconditionally. You know I love you unconditionally right? Then unrelatedly get sick after eating her home cooked meal made with love and passive aggravation.

Your best video that I have seen. Describes someone I know exactly, except this person acts like a grievance machine. Within seconds of a resolution that has exhausted you emotionally, he is bringing something else up from decades past and he can never be mollified. He feeds on sympathy, and will excuse all his abuse of you by bringing up some childhood punishment imposed by his mother. I can't be around him--he rationalizes every harm he causes. He has a reason for breaking every promise, all based on some overblown grievance from long ago, which he is too cowardly to say out loud, and you don't know what is going on. You can't trust him for anything, except a never-ending supply of hidden grievances. It takes too long to find these people out.

Darren, please can you do a video on the Neglectful Narcissist? Although the narc in my life is definitely covert he has an added layer of neglectful behavior towards me and makes use of “weaponized incompetence” as a manipulation tool.

@DarrenFMagee

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your suggestion

Trying to help my husband see these traits in some people we interact with on a regular basis. The first 5 minutes alone were gold, very applicable to our situation.

thank you for this

It is mind-blowing to me how comprehensively you describe my father. I spent my entire life thinking that there was no way to tell people or describe to people what my father is/was like -- because they wouldn't believe it. (In other words: they wouldn't believe ME.) But you just keep coming up with one detail after another, one example after another of vicious abuse, and literally every single thing you say, my reaction is "That's exactly what my father did. EXACTLY." He was a sadistic monster. And in my 30s, I had a girlfriend who was a narcissistic sociopath. With her for two and a half years. It almost ended me. Even now, still wrestling with it, still being destroyed by it. Like bombing a town into rubble, and then bombing the rubble.

I'm amazed at this...this me 100%

omg this spooked me a bit because i relate to 90% of it and see those behaviors in my past...

A great summary

The martyr.

I googled what kind of person never apologizes one day. Then I realized I was with a covert Narcissist.

That was a good video and nailed the description. So... now that we've confirmed that the person in our lives is a covert, vulnerable narcissist. What do we do about it? My only constructive criticism of the video would be to define the differences between "covert" and "vulnerable"; my understanding is that those are independent adjectives and are not synonymous but many people use them interchangeably.

yep. fits to a 'T'. where was this video 20 years ago? thanks, darren

A vulnerable-narcissist I used to know was absolutely emotionally soul sucking. Thinking about him crying for hours during the slightest sign of conflict still makes me cringe. He called me amazing just to fill the silence and seemed bothered when his constant empty flattery wasnt received with enrhusiasm. He was turning 50 and still didnt understand why his antics kept running women off. Lost cause.

Thank you.

Thanks

@DarrenFMagee

Жыл бұрын

You’re welcome and thank you so much for your kind support

@thaghrahmedia4468

Жыл бұрын

No one talks about covert narcissists with such accuracy on you tube or in the literature like yourself. Darren you should write a book specifically about this topic. If you do I can help with many real-world examples. 😊 cheers from Australia.

@erikavaleries

Жыл бұрын

How lovely and kind of you. I agree, his teaching is excellent.

how do I know if I am the victim or the vulnerable narcissist? what about adhd vs vulnerable narcissism?

@SilverQuartz13

Жыл бұрын

This. I am struggling with this.

Great thank you

My ex girlfriend lacked the grandiose aspect of being a typical narcisist as she would always remind how horrible she was doing or how depressed she was. She realy checked every box of narcisme except the overt part. Durring the breakup it felt like a monster was released that i had never seen before, the covert narcisism realy openend my eyes on what i was up against. if only i would a have understood it sooner...

Everything you've said I identified with. It's almost spooky. All these things built over time as I felt myself eroding away but was never quite sure why. I didn't know there was a boot until it was pressed down firmly on my neck. She could tell me a square and a circle were the same and I'd have believed her. Or I would have bashed them together, told myself she was right and force myself to never look at the shapes again.

OMG. I was sitting in the ER feeling awful, telling him to STOP YELLING AT ME. He kept it up while we were in the exam room. Spot on!

Very helpful and clear summary, perfectly describing my wife of many years. In couples therapy, she is charming, winsome, and the innocent victim, turning on and off her sarcasm, victimhood, “good girl” performance, and tears at will, generally all within the same session. Our older male therapist was hopelessly under her spell, constantly letting her off the hook, and even lying to cover for her destructive behaviors. I love her and am committed to the marriage, but the drama never ends, and marriage is an ongoing battle.

I was (briefly, thankfully) involved with a covert narcissisist- I didn't know about coverts/vulnerable narcissists at the time but knew about overts, I was taken in completely. The biggest red flags initially were a strong sense of the disconnect between what she said and what she did and her extreme levels of jealousy. I also saw through some of the attempts at manipulation- but, as she found out, if anyone tries to guilt trip me for something I have no reason to feel guilt for- I get extremely angry (mainly due to having dealt with a lot of serious real issues that were really deserving of my emotions)- so that manipulation somewhat backfired! I learnt a lot from being involved with a covert narcissist- what to look out for, my own vulnerabilities and how important it is to have good boundaries and a strong sense of self.

you're describing literally everyone

@user-ib3mt7iu6z

9 ай бұрын

No, actually I've had relationships with many relatives as part of a big family, plus been in many relationships, yet the two individuals who do these things, this is their whole personality and they're extremely controlling. It's the extent of it. If you occasionally see a couple of these traits in someone, they're being normal. They're not a narcissist

#3 especially had me thinking of Barney Fife… and my brother who not even seeing AGS, has unironically quoted Barney Fife multiple times.

Good stuff

Nearing 60 and exhausted from my covert mother, sad and frustrated with a sister who is selfish and lives in poor me land. Walking away from them both finally. What will never be hurts but I refuse to live the next twenty years by their terms.

I think you must have study my husband for this video. The one thing I have not heard address is the violence toward my animals when he is angry at me. I have finally filed fir divorce!!

I would love to hear your views on the differences between NPD and Pathological Demand Avoidance

It will be great if you make a video teaching us how to deal with them, especially with a partner

@annekerotterdam7499

9 ай бұрын

leave!

thanks👌

Great video. Thank you. Recognized my ex to the point. I wonder, could the condition be treated and how?

This reminds me of one of my university friends. He was quite depressive at times, and quiet and humble. However, once in a while, I would catch him seething over something. I thought it was just him reacting to too much at once. Well, great fortune landed into his lap after graduation and now he is insufferable. Thinks he's the King of England.

I don't know what I am. I am introvert during the day. But when night falls and I go out in the city I can sometimes transform into a extravert person who is easy to talk to. But then when I am alone I feel really lonely again. I feel like I have a lot in common with a covert narcist but I am also a really sensitive person who cares a lot about the people around me who I am close with.

As an employer teamleader I have to treat everyone with respect, explaining and listening and give feedback. Also to the narc. Even when it makes me "crazy" because of his mind games, lies and manipulations, trying to get his way and me looking bad. How to cope with a covert narc (seemingly kind to others) as a leader? I cant get people on board without gatherings where I answer questions, listening to their opinions, and explaining. All the thing I should not do with narcs.

I think i may well be a covert narcissist. I do a lot of this without even realising it is narcissist behaviour.