Setting boundaries for me is also overcoming the feeling of obligation to overshare or to overexplain things about my life, especially if I know they would not understand my choices. I was raised by very intrusive and controling mother. I often felt interrogated and forced to explain everything, then it was used against me (we all know this pattern). I don't have to do it anymore. I'm currently in a situation that I am tired of explaining it to this person, who I know judge me behind my back (I realized that recently, and it saddened and confused me). I will try not to explain myself anymore. I'm a grown woman. That is my boundary setting. I know it's the right thing to do, yet I do feel guilt from taking a step back from this person.

@OnlyOneName

8 ай бұрын

@Bhere108 💛

@abbynormal1557

8 ай бұрын

I so feel this and it is me. 🤗

@ari3lz3pp

7 ай бұрын

Besides actions matter more than motivation. If someone doesn't agree with what you're doing that's ok (barring obvious things like breaking the law..LOL). I've had to get used to this. The Bible actually says judge actions not motivations. I know not everyone will agree with my choices, and I don't agree with everyone else's. Even if it's a loved one. I shouldn't see myself as offensive or worry that they don't agree, if I am not harming anyone then healthy individuals will be able to respect the freedom to do things differently and for different reasons. I do HOPE that people who care will ask, want to understand, as I do them. But not from a place of that trap of "oh tell me so I can shame you". As my mother did too.

@OnlyOneName

7 ай бұрын

@@ari3lz3pp " I shouldn't see myself as offensive or worry that they don't agree, if I am not harming anyone then healthy individuals will be able to respect the freedom to do things differently and for different reasons." - "healthy individuals" is the key thing here. It's always the challenge when we are dealing with the other kind, isn't it? I wish us all to recognise and meet more healthy people, so we can learn, experience and express healthy sharing.

@fadznuzu3341

7 ай бұрын

I'm proud of you for choosing yourself. You are strong for doing so and will be even more as you continue this healing journey.

I'm always taking on other people's "junk"!! My mother is the most difficult relationship for me. She wants me to feel responsible for her and uses guilt and manipulation. I've allowed her to suck the life out of me; sacrificing my health, my sanity, my marriage, and actually feeling responsible for her. Feeling like I'm going crazy! I feel selfish and guilty because I want a life. I will remember my worth. I see her tactics and will protect myself from "stepping into her trap". I always honor her and treat her with respect; now I will do that for myself. 😢❤🙏🏻

@andrea859

8 ай бұрын

Similar here. ❤

@melliecrann-gaoth4789

4 ай бұрын

@@andrea859I see my kids dad do this to them as they grow older- it’s horrible

@sophiejackson7148

2 ай бұрын

My story, too.

I set a boundary with myself and therefore, with other people. I stayed in bed a little longer. I made myself a healthy smoothie instead of grabbing a quick cup of coffee. I returned some important calls and e-mails. I shut off some notifications. One of the ways my C-PTSD manifests is feeling that I have to be available to everyone all the time. It kept me safe in childhood with my BPD mother but no longer serves me. It just makes me anxious, hyper vigilant and resentful. I didn’t make an announcement. I didn’t apologize. I just did it

@ranc1977

8 ай бұрын

With CPTSD inner critic will kick in and attack us for staying in bed a little longer and scapegoat it as domino effect of events during the day when something is not done immediately. I would take IFS Model - it explains why this happens and how to combat it - through self validation and listening to our parts.

My latest boundary is I have firmly decided to have a stress - free , obligation- free holiday season . Every year I say I’m gonna do this - & never do. To everyone’s disappointment I will be celebrating Thanksgiving & decking the halls with just me, my husband, & my cat. Can’t wait !!!

@ari3lz3pp

7 ай бұрын

Yay! ❤ My husband and I are just celebrating differently. We are Christian not pagan and found out Jesus was born during Sukkot. Also Hanukah is not a holy day but a Biblical-historical event . We will celebrate but in a lightheaded way, and with some winter time nostalgia for sure! We did a very chill Martin Luther day celebration vs Halloween. No costumes to freak over, and rushing to decorate etc. (The kids thankfully are over it anyway!) It's been so much better this way. Plus our oldest child was born Dec 27 so I am glad I don't have to rush from Christmas to bday prep! 😮‍💨 Since shutdowns my husband and I noticed it's so much more peaceful not rushing from house to house. So that was the start. Now we are convicted due to our faith. ❤ We don't have much family that understands, but they don't have to! We would LIKE them to...but we plan to invite them over for the holy days next year! To share the joy with us! And we can calmly enjoy this season without the typical rush around Christmas/Thanksgiving etc....😊 Do what you gotta do! Stress adds to every illness and disease. It's so worth it to learn to leave out unecessary triggers.

@MyResurrectionStory

7 ай бұрын

I do this too. Last year I did start practicing some boundaries & just stopped being the perfect person who still shows up and does what everyone else wants just to keep the peace so to speak. Didn't work so well cuz doing so resulted in the person who's actually causing all of the issues to not be so happy therefore it hurt alot of people in my family and made the entire Christmas holiday with family from out of state just not so pleasant. I won't be doing that this year. I realized if I'm gonna do this then I'm gonna have to do it all of the way. I hate to have to do this but I'm 37 & I have to start protecting my peace more all of the time. I hope you have an amazing Thanksgiving without the stress and guilt which others may try to force upon you. I don't know you but I'm so proud of you for making this decision!! 👏🏼🥰🤗🤍🥰💪🏽

@orangecat1672

7 ай бұрын

@@MyResurrectionStory thank you so much .. the pathway to peace isn’t always easy but at the end of the day it’s up to us to choose joy and put up healthy boundaries regardless of what others ( even family ) may think. God bless you & Happy Thanksgiving!!!

@jrbracy

7 ай бұрын

Sounds wonderful!!

@Blablablahx3

5 ай бұрын

I hope your holidays ended up being stress free indeed ☺️

I don't appreciate when others ghost me when I ask an important question or getting the "I'm too busy" response... I deserve better. Thanks Kim and have a lovely weekend folks. Aussie 🙂❤

@ari3lz3pp

7 ай бұрын

Ghosting is a huge problem. But we have to respect the boundaries of letting go. For ourselves too. I do think it's a shame we can't hold people accountable but at least you get a "too busy". I don't get that many times. It's a common issue in Southern California. One of the most recent times, my husband was there once again to witness this insanity. A woman and her husband went OUT of their WAY(s) to befriend us, we returned the sentiment. They seemed nice and to have some similarities to us. Their kids and our kids got along. I was already cautious/hypervigilant because I was thinking "this is too good to be true". This woman tells me she's sick of people ghosting her, that she's from NY and it must be a CA thing. Of course a few weeks after she was texting me like we are BFFs and asked me to some "mommy dates" ...she VANISHED. She never even specified when, I told her I want to hang out but I literally have no childcare other than my husband so it would have to be on his day off. But I didn't reject her offers. What's most heartbreaking is how commonly this happens when it's people with kids that get along with mine. Usually we both have disabled children. It's hard for them to make and keep friends. We felt secure so we were asking our child if he would like to see them again, and about how to be a good friend etc. And now all we can say is we don't know what happened. It's been a consistent problem. The vast majority of times it's been people who come up to me, come on super strong with the "let's be friends!" And setting up playdates etc then they 👻 💥 ☁️ So I sympathize. It's hard to feel motivated to be around new people when it's like this. I almost joined a local group for the kids also, but the disclaimer on the website says stuff about how "not everyone has to be friends, we don't need to all get along, some friends are casual.."etc. For KIDS. Like what???! Kids already see pretty black and white. When it comes to friends I don't think people are friends w/o commitment. They are acquaintances or CO workers maybe...but not "friends" w/o that. Then there are new friends and old friends. That's it. Too many grey areas for people has given way to some wishy washy excuses to be terrible friends. Lol

@elliottfireice4394

2 ай бұрын

You've got no choice

@ErikaMaria-lw8en

2 ай бұрын

@@elliottfireice4394 We all have choices 🙂 I chose to be around people who love and respect themselves more, but you need to love and respect yourself first.

Wow, the end of this video is the visualization we tell empaths to use to help manage boundaries better. When I went through massage school, I had a teacher basically save my life; my boundaries were so poor. Things are better, but you realize they can always improve. For me, right now, caring for my Mom, the boundaries are always shifting to try to keep her doing self-care as long as possible, while never forgetting her NPD traits and tendency to want to control my every breath. I'm trying to breathe through tantrums and to not get angry, but also be willing to walk away and let her manage what she can, even if _she_ gets angry. Tightrope.

Past generations have taught us for years to just keep the peace and never assert our own needs. My boundary violations resulted in the removal of many people who wanted to hurt me. The more we raise awareness about this, the better we can educate the next generation.

I set a firm gaslight me and your gone boundary! 🎉🎉🎉 Enable the gaslighting... same -- RAWR 😂

Thank you for this fantastic video! And thank you for the validation Dr. Kim.

Friend asking to barrow money , after setting this boundaries over and over again . It’s not a good feeling And makes my BPD go of the chart .

@whitebirchtarot

8 ай бұрын

I have the same problem. I keep telling myself I will never, ever loan this person money again because I never get it back and her life is one emergency after another and it makes me feel terrible and I feel like it’s completely toxic. Plus, it’s a one-way relationship and she keeps promising that she’s going to come over and help me and work off the money or pay me back, but it never happens. And I never learn! I just wasted my whole day on her issue and ended up giving her a bunch more money after I promised myself 1000 times that I was done. What is wrong with me? I keep telling other people that I will never do it again because they think I’m crazy for doing it in the first place, and then I do it again. I just want to be done! And yes, it triggers anything that we deal with. Now my irritable bowel syndrome has kicked in and I had to come upstairs and take a Xanax and I’ll probably be up all night. I wish I could learn to say no without feeling guilty or frightened. I can’t say I know exactly how you feel, but I can certainly say that I feel for you, because I have a very similar problem. It sucks! And I talk to a counselor twice a week! Do I have to move and not leave a forwarding address? 😊 good luck to you. We need to put ourselves first. 💕

Lord did I need to hear this today. 37 years old and still trying to get the boundaries thing down. Constantly run into this at work, getting taken advantage of. Being asked to do the responsibilities of managers/people who make waaaaaay more money than I do. Being asked to step in for them again and again because I'm so "nice" well I've been saying NO more and more and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore, I will not be taken advantage of again and again.

@kimberlychristine9284

8 ай бұрын

I can relate so much. People mistake my kindness for weakness and trample over me. At home. At work. Even with so called friends. I too am working hard to set boundaries and without feeling guilty for doing so.

@hshfyugaewfjkKS

8 ай бұрын

If you want a really hard core boundary to set to completely stopped getting walked all over when someone at work asks you to do something that is not something you want to do or definitely not your responsibility, you can say, unfortunately that sounds like a you problem. I imagine the look on their face will be shocked. Then go back to whatever you are doing.

When they ask me for money. I should say no

@whitebirchtarot

8 ай бұрын

I know, me too! Why is it so difficult for us? I’m sick of it.

I just want to be able to say no to what doesn't feel i would enjoy...i need more joy in my life and less musts, shoulds or pressures. It feels luxorious writing it down..but from where i am, it's a need..

"Reasonable request" That is the core issue - with trauma and abuse - we believe we are not reasonable. That is the core of guilt and panic when disliking and requesting something.

I needed to hear this today. Thank you 👍 🙏

Ugh I really need this!! Have a borderline mom - it’s awful.

After therapy and work on myself, I've started setting boundaries these last few years. I'm getting better at the practical side of it and am realising that family, certain 'friends', etc didn't have as much power over me as I thought they did. However, the emotional part you talk about in this video is still so tough! Guilt, fear, shame, sadness; this internal part of me that constantly tells me to be scared if I set a boundary because I don't have any rights and will be punished for it. Am going to try 'the wall' technique and see how it goes. Thank you for offering something practical to try out.

I’m going to realize my plan for today, not my husband’s and my children’s. It’s not easy for me, it’s a big step on the way to change.

So clear. Brilliant. I’m thinking with 1 person - do the scratched record- say same thing in a short way, again and again. It’s about saying “no” to something without explaining again & again. She’s a safer person….

I asked a friend to stop being blunt with me in the name of honesty and helping. I asked for more consideration of my feelings and empathy. In return, one of the things she said was that I am only okay when things are being done in a manner that I approve of 😮

My friend got angry. And I start to feel like a bad person, a lot of guilt, I end up saying sorry, for setting a healthy boundary in a nice way. It’s hard. I’ll try imagining that wall and their feelings behind the next time.

This helped me a lot. Thank you! ☺️

I had to really harp on my 5yo to stop taking the cover off the remote earlier tonight. It sounded so small in my head but when I said it out loud I realized it’s actually big to me and has been bothering me for months. I think that’s the hard part-it feels like it’s not justified bc no one is getting hurt. But he always drops it, breaks something about the remote, and loses the batteries, and it just grates on me. I’m learning it’s better to talk about it than to allow your circle to be associated with a lot of pain/hurt because you feel bad for how easily life throws you off. It’s ok to let them know. Period. As for acquaintances and work professionals-I have no clue how to handle those lol. Send help 😅❤

Thank you so much as I was just have guilty thoughts about the boundary I set for my cousin. I want to spend some visits with my daughter & baby granddaughter us time without sharing with others. Cousin is on the narcissist disordered spectrum & her only son died 6 years ago. She will be seeing us all soon but I want some me & my children/ grandchildren bonding time. So used to worrying about other’s feelings that I forget my own. ❤

I’m in a family choir I don’t mind playing especially for God I do have a controlling mother too that I can’t have a weekend off I practice every weekend with my family but my mom always makes me feel I can’t have weekends overtime it can get overwhelming every single weekend just practicing we never do things as a family because it’s always about church I don’t mind church but at times I need my space too I’ve been playing the piano in church for 10 or 14 years feel like I don’t really have a life because my mom thinks it’s wrong to be missing church or I’m going to hell. Please help me to breath! To let me live my life other than just church to go on a vacation or enjoy the weekend with my fiancée.

Got me with that 4:44 timestamp. About to set a hard boundary about language and trauma-dumping/venting in our home with a friend of mine I decided to let rent our downstairs after getting out of an abusive relationship. She’s BPD. Just had a good convo with my other friend about it and am so glad I did. I’ve been full to the brim with her negativity and I can’t take it anymore. I had the feeling I needed to put a wall between her and me and your explanation of that was amazing and solidified it as a second witness that that is what I need to do when I present new house rules to her. Thank you!

I've managed to set a few boundaries over the last couple if years, mainly in a family context, mixed results but I've stuck with it. Next week I'm setting a boundary in a work setting which is novel as I'm usually the easy going will do anything person. I am not going to team lead over the festive season again. I'm not obligated to and they're just presuming I'll do it without a discussion. This year it is a no. (my mind is swirling just thinking about saying no, obviously the world will end, it'll all be my fault etc) It's still going to be no..

Thing is, even though I'm not the same person, the root cause of my feelings is from the same origin. Intergenerational trauma & undiagnosed autism. So I do empathise with the family member with BPD/NPD. (Boundary - no contact).

I really needed this today. Thank you 🙏🏻

oh yes indeed - NEVER had my boundaries respected. NEVER.

I am now taking the information that I would have given to my "mother" and telling my person. He doesn't read what I write. But I have a safe space to write down all of my words so they are released, and I feel better. My boundary is that I no longer tell my "mother" my life. "Mother" = Covert Narcissist

Thank you 😊

This is timely for me, I'm testing this out next week at work.

Yup, I literally ended up puking across the table after telling my "mother" time and time again that I hate brussels sprouts. She kept telling me they were good for me, to be quiet, and just eat what she had prepared. Everything was a rule. Everything was a boundary with her. I wasn't allowed to do or be anything she didn't want me to do or be. My childhood was horrible. And she wonders why I never wanted children. 🙄

Amen, good start to the morning

I’m not tipping my RUDE hair stylist. Actually, I’m not tipping anyone in November. I’m way too generous and I feel bullied into tipping.

Thank you so so much! I really didn´t know how much I've needed this information. I have been trying to set healthy boundaries with my partner like the one from the example you mentioned, but I tend to put all of his emotions on my shoulders and decide to carry with all of it, the chores, his emotions and my exhaustion. Again, thank you so much for sharing this content.

Hi Kim. Can I ask you a question? My 31 year old son still won’t grow up and move out. He uses me for a clean up lady my husband for food and going grocery shopping for him too because he never ever gets his license to drive! He won’t work for this whole past year. He always uses reasons why he doesn’t and says we owe him because….. there’s always a reason why. He now sits plays video games, eats OUR food and doesn’t EVER EVER leave any place! He refuses to even let me be by myself in my home for a day! He has no life!!! I’m so unhappy Kim. Is the boundary of kicking him out ok? I am miserable and want him to leave. Does that make me awful? Is that an appropriate boundary or should I give him an ultimatum of time to find work to be able to move so he isn’t homeless? I just feel like I need someone to guide me with an answer??? I trust your judgment. Thanks. I love your talks. You are precisely what I need!❤

Yuppppppppppppppppp