I found myself being my mother's mother, protector, emotional, physical, verbal punching bag...her friend...her older sister...her problem solver...her therapist...and my dad let it happen so he would have to deal with her. They're both gone & I'm left to pick up the pieces.

@fritzbaden8085

8 ай бұрын

Do you mean "wouldn't"

@mday3821

8 ай бұрын

@@fritzbaden8085 Yes, my bad.

@devilsfavorite999

6 ай бұрын

OMG, you described me.

@DanielleDavis-wv7ld

3 ай бұрын

Yeah I’m in the same boat ,

@angyt1070

22 күн бұрын

Yea me too. Thanks mom

Yup. Yes. My childhood. Then I did it to my own son. Right before I watched this video, I was in a group setting wondering why one person was not talking to me. What had I done? Then this thought popped into my head “I’m not here to make her happy”! Wow! Revelation! I have been working on my relationship with my own son for 25 years now. Through therapy and changing my own behavior. Through consciously letting him go, freeing him to live his own life. Acknowledging to him what I did and it was wrong and apologizing. But the most important thing has been my attitude change. We are in a good place today. I am sharing this video with him because I think he would appreciate it

@horsehangout

9 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing. Im considering talking to my mom about her bulldozing emotions but I dont want to hurt her...she is a boundaryless puddle of bleeding heart ooey gooey goodness lol. Any tips for children approaching parents? And what was your attitude change that helped ? Was it realizing you dont have to make everyone happy? Thanks!!

@justanotherAA

9 ай бұрын

You are a rarity- these mothers (mine fits all this and is BPD) never accept accountability. She has never nor will never truly respect me enough as an individual and adult to do this. I also do not believe she is legitimately capable of actual love to do so, either.

@paranormalia0791

9 ай бұрын

I think you should feel very proud of yourself for the work you’re doing, and i’m sure your son will appreciate it greatly and for many years to come. All my best wishes to the both of you!

@roxanecarbery4944

9 ай бұрын

That is absolutely beautiful. That is so special to read. So happy a parent like you exists. Thank you

@lindawallace726

9 ай бұрын

@@horsehangout After much time being in therapy and working on myself, I realized that I needed to find my own life, my own friends, interests, spirituality outside of my son and being a parent. That it was no one else’s responsibility but my own most importantly not my sons. I realized that he needed to be free to live his own life. Approaching parents? It didn’t work for me with my own mother. That doesn’t mean it won’t work for someone else. My son put firm boundaries in place with me and left me to fall on my face and pick myself up. He said that if I hadn’t changed, he was willing to make it permanent. That certainly got my attention! There is a quote by Thomas Payne that I have on my bathroom mirror “You can’t be honest if you’re afraid of offending someone”

Then there is the emotionally needy parent who is a narcissist, which is a whole other level. From a very young age they need you to be their audience and psychiatrist, but rather than truly valuing you for for that, you are also their punching bag because they view you as a lesser person than them.

@Nikki30288

9 ай бұрын

Yes .. this is what I experienced

I was raised by someone like this. I believe she likely has BPD. Enmeshment, scapegoating, parentification, neediness, guilt trips, frequent verbal and emotional abuse. I feel "over her" in a way. I do not feel love or compassion for her. I see her as an abuser, in self aware, not willing to get help or change. I hope to go NC, my life would be much better without her abuse.

Yes, my dad died 3 months before I was born and I see where I just gradually took his place. I have 3 older siblings but I really absorbed her sadness and neediness. And when it was time for me to leave it was like there was this unfinished business and so I never really did.

@Sheywh12

9 ай бұрын

I feel for you sweetheart! It's not easy when a parent depends on a child. We feel quilt over everything it seems..

@thatsnotmyname2798

9 ай бұрын

You never left ?

@lavonnebenson7409

9 ай бұрын

@@thatsnotmyname2798 I finally did but I took her with me ...and took care of her from a distance until she died. And it's so complicated no one could begin to explain it. I am doing better, thanks for your concern. If that's what that was?

@thatsnotmyname2798

9 ай бұрын

Glad you are doing better now ! Yes, that was concern@@lavonnebenson7409

My daughter is like this with her own daughter, single parent. It pains me so. My daughter grew up in an abusive relationship and it has tainted all her life, her daughter's life... An never ending story.

i’m sorry, but my mom KNOWS she’s being that way. she is way way too needy and tried to smother me. never respects my boundaries. she parentified me at a VERY young age and til this day, me at age 40, she STILL tries to make me her shrink, mom and friend. disgusting

@robertoramos8257

3 ай бұрын

God I feel your pain all too well

It's incredibly selfish. She wasn't always like this, when she was working I didn't notice it as much. I will say my parents marriage is a nightmare, I've never seen two people that should've just divorced and went their separate ways. I don't feel guilty about taking time for myself, but it took me time to get to that space. She really feels I shouldn't have time/space to myself. Living at home only exacerbates this, I am praying my next job pays me enough to move out and live away from this dysfunction. It is very draining.

It is not necessarily the responsibility of adult children either. Because they have their own life, issues, situations, circumstances, and problems. And when you have a parent who choose to function like this they can overwhelm their adult children if you let them.

I appreciate this video so much because this was my mother to the core. I did not get my needs met on top of the fact that she wasn’t loving just a very entitled selfish abusive neglectful mom

Such a valuable video. As the child of an alcoholic I definitely had these experiences. I'm much more able to tune out now when my Mum is ranting, I find peace in not necessarily expecting her to change - I can only change myself. I go to a support group for codependent people and it feels great to be working on my own recovery from all the dysfunction.

Currently going through this. Still. I finally have a name for what I’ve endured all my life.

@taliajournee212

2 ай бұрын

Sending you love! I'm going through the same thing right now. My useless older brothers don't care and are selfish, choosing to do nothing to help. She wasn't always this way, living at home makes this even worse. It's horrible and I just want to move out and live my life.

You are one of my favorite psychologists because all the examples you use are so relevant to dealing with issues with parents.

Parents have no right to pass their demons on to you. Guilt is not yours, it belongs to them. Your parents have no given selfish right to your love. There is nothing wrong with you if your birthing parents lose your love.

This hit my relationship with my mother on the head. She’s visiting and I feel so stressed. She literally is acting like a child n if I say anything she looks for a stranger to complain to. I feel so much guilt and shame but I’m dying inside bc I can’t stand to be around her neediness

this has been one of my most enduring issues. I've overcame a lot but this i still have to work through.

Thank you! This was so wonderful to hear you talk about my childhood with my mother to a “T”. Now I’m dealing with my anxious attachment with a guy that I really like. Now I know why I’ve stayed single so long. Because the dragon has awoken and I’m like what the Heck?! Why am I so crazy?!!😅 I am in weekly therapy though! And doing EMDR. Yea! Let’s do this dang thang!!😊

You are simply the best psychologist i have ever met or seen on youtube. And that is coming from someone who has met six psychologists fo wich only the last one has the knowledge you do and how to treat trauma like this. Its strange how literally at least 95% of psychologists have a clue about the things you are talking about and what trauma is. They don't have a clue about the things bothering me and so many others. I think its perhaps because a lot of people have trauma in some kind of form, some more troublesome then others.. but most people are just coping with it and don't realize it. Including psychologists themselves. A lot of people can even be coping well enough so the are satisfied with life. But if its severe enough this highly invisible problem becomes an even bigger problem because almost nobody can even make you aware of it let alone help you. I also learned the best therapists for trauma are the ones who experienced it themselves (And healed from it at least at some level.) My last psychologist is like this as well and only then do you truly feel heard and understood. In fact its the detailed and deep understanding of a psychologists own trauma in itself that instantly convey's a clear message to you as a client. You see yourself in your own therapists and she in you. So that is also actually a big part of why seeing your videos brings me to true understanding of everything.

Thank you for this. I feel validated and understood.

This was all spot on. I can't believe the things we were exposed to through direct screaming and raging and also hearing it. We were never protected from adult issues. Even blamed for things a child had no control over.

The problem with my parents is like what you describe in this video. They are incredibly needy and controlling, always fearing the worst and never encouraging me to do anything on my own. I was my mother's "therapist" since I can remember. But at the same time, I was always told I was bad because besides playing the therapist role, I never catered to their other needs. Or I only did it after so much pleading and gaslighting. I am 42, I've been in therapy for 20 years and it's not working. I am still enmeshed, full of shame and regret. Full of dysfunctional beliefs that stop me from living my life. But my brain is not cooperating. I always find reasons to believe my parents did nothing wrong and I was the bad child. I have no idea how to change that, nothing has worked so far and I am extremely tired 😵

How true this is! Fortunately, you help people/clients understand this early in life so they can learn how to change/deal with their behavior that keeps them from not being able to have healthy relationships before they go through their entire lives wondering why relationships never worked for them. Thank you, Dr. Kim. I hope you realize just how much you help others. Our world needs you so much these days! ❤

Wow you described everything so well

Yt therapy here has helped. Thank you ❤ i was always my moms therapist, financial help, punching bag, i feared her, i hated her, always felt guilty, def. A human detector. Anytime i met a friend my mom would tell me they didnt care about me. Jees this is so sad. I resonate with this so much. My sister in law just died and she didnt even care and kept talking about her own problems. It is so sad. I was never a child. 😢

Thank you so much Kim. I hadn’t seen my mum since Christmas which I grudgingly went up for the drive to see her with my twin even though we weren’t going well. That time was revolving around her and this time I stayed over and made dinner and she was busy doing things and answered me about 5 seconds after I ask her questions and sometimes had to repeat myself three times as if I wasn’t even in her awareness. I said can you please answer me and she said she was thinking about the answer and got really angry. Maybe some social dysfunction going on there and I let it go but then in the morning at breakfast she sat scrolling on Facebook and still hadn’t asked me about my life - anything to do with it even when I would say something small - no questions. I moved to eat outside as i attempted to start a conversation but got a polite registering that I had said something and then continued to scroll. I finished breakfast and jokingly said (which I know is not owning my emotions due to the pattern of our relationship) “but of role reversal this morning usually it’s the parent that is watching the child scroll on facebook” she started shrieking saying what do you mean and I said I was just disappointed you didn’t want to talk to me. And she shrieked if you want to talk then talk to me. I said I had tried and she shrieked angrily well why don’t you ask to talk and I said I want you to want to talk to me and that just set her off I even recorded it so I could hear it back because I have questioned myself so many time but through counselling that past year I know better and she rang today and acted normal asking me to come for dinner (she doesn’t normally live close she is in between houses (I don’t even let her know where I live because the entitlement and the aggression and likeliness of outburst and she is in my area atm… I said I don’t feel comfortable coming over without anything from yesterday reaolved. She defended herself black and blue even when I said I just wnat you to hear me. She called me expressing my feelings at the time whinging and ungrateful and disgusting. I told her if she can’t hear my feelings and doesn’t care that I’m trying to help her understand me so we can grow our relationship then there is no point me coming she might aswell have a doll that doesn’t speak as a daughter. Thanks for reading. Thank you Kim you are doing amazing work in people’s hearts and souls.

Thanks 👍💯

Thank you for all the information you provide for all of us. There is something that I still don't understand... Why isn't there enough research on BPD children who were raised by BPD parents ? I've tried looking into books, therapists' youtube channels, studies etc... and I've never seen anyone mention the fact that the way a BPD parent raises their child can cause the child to develop BPD too. All I see is how BPD parents affect their children or how to raise a child who has bpd when none of the parents has the disorder. It's kinda crazy to me that so so few people mention bpd as a one of the effects a BPD parent can have on their child. I mean, we all know that many children who were raised by a BPD parent develop disorganized attachment, and we also know that disorganized attachment is at the core of BPD. And I personally know some people with BPD due to parental trauma and whose parents also had BPD. I tried searching "can bpd parents raise bpd children" and all I see is research talking about genetics, not childhood trauma. I just don't understand. Is there anybody here in this comment section who has BPD due to parental trauma because of their BPD parents ? Is there anybody here whose BPD was caused by their BPD parents ? I'm genuinely curious and really need to know the answer. I can't find any information on the matter. It's crazy when I think about it. How come no one ever wondered if bpd parents can raise bpd children ?

@user-qf6iv7ci9j

7 ай бұрын

Hello friend! I know you comment is older but I still wanted to respond. There are people out there who saw the connect between emotionally unstable parents raising emotionally unstable children but you might have to question the whole concept behind the idea of BPD, like many professionals do by now. For further research, I would advise you to look into cptsd and maybe give the books written by Pete Walker a read, especially his cptsd one answered all questions for me. Good luck on your personal journey!

My Mom has and will never be good, happy or healthy. My Mom has told me she hates me, I ruined her life, she used money as a weapon against me, told me we would be homeless, where is debt which was never true, that I ruined all her marriages, I am worthless, I will not go to heaven, and the list goes on. She always brought up all her problems sexual and otherwise and dumped just about everything on me. Has always made bad choices and lied and accused me or others for choices she made and cruel abusive things she has done to me or others on me or others. Always ranting, screaming and nothing she says or does makes any sense. She enjoys causing physical and emotional pain onto others. She laughs when anybody is hurting or when she intent-fully hurts somebody. She knows exactly what she is doing and saying.

Oh lord, this rings so many bells

When they make you the parent over the siblings the house chores etc. and over them It gets confusing when they die you feel lost I find myself freezing these days When it comes to my needs and I'm having blocks when trying to push my self care on myself !! Being disabled the house suffers if I care for myself and lately I've made it suffer to do my nails! It's like a outlet and something for me Although I feel Like a child not handling the things that to me should be done no matter what..I'd this okay is it normal? It's like my child has came out and said you rest I'm running the chow Since my husband and mom died... Am I okay ?

People who experienced a lot of childhood trauma and is really struggling with healing themselves are more careful nowadays because they do not want their future children to experience the same.

oh boy- I am that way

Wow

a lot of talk about symptoms, but how to overcome?

@hhaannnnaahh222

9 ай бұрын

Research codependency and find some books for example, would be my advice 🙏🏻

How do we deal with it ? Because there is no way on can just stop it . But I believe there is a way to cope and heal . Can I get any books suggestion on dealing this , and also addressing the eldest daughter syndrome .

Sounds like my Mom..

what about us moms who gave great love and everything to raise our kids alone and they lacked for nothing but along the way i got tramatized and ended up in isolation, on meds and suffering with panic and anxiety disorder..my grown kids are withholding love and visits until im completely healed. they bully me, send me horrible suckie mom letters, and if im severely sick they avoid me. i gave them my love and soul and now their spoiled rotten, selfish, haters of god, unmerciful, prideful and arrogant. this is what this young generation is doing to good loving parents everywhere. why dont you make a video on these grown children doc??

there is somebody using your videos, and re-posting them on TikTok, and scamming people for reading sessions!!!

@DrKimSage

9 ай бұрын

Thank you i know! I keep reporting but TT does nothing. I appreciate yo telling me! I am going to try to make a TT that will get pushed out that addresses it! xo