Dr. Kim Sage, Licensed Psychologist
Dr. Kim Sage, Licensed Psychologist
🌷 online courses ➡️
licensed clinical psychologist in california (#29089) and due to licensing & insurance can only see patients in california!
If you would like to be added to my waitlist, please visit drkimsage.com for fees/insurance info and then email me at [email protected]
I share content about parents with emotional immaturity, narcissistic/borderline pd’s, attachment/relationships, autism, trauma…
Courses
drkimsage.thinkific.com/
🌷The Hypervigilant Trauma Personality From Eggshell Parents and Partners🌷
🌷Identifying Invisible Wounds 🌷
🌷Remothering Yourself🌷
🌷Healing and Dealing with Narcissistic and Borderline l Parents🌷
If you or someone you know is a danger to themselves or someone else, please call an emergency number/immediately to the nearest ER. Information provided on this channel is neither intended nor implied to be a substitute for professional medical or psychological advice or as a therapeutic relationship, or to make medical decisions.
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This happens a lot in families in NYC in my community where resources are scarce, immediate and often extended family have to share cramped space. It's hard to self-differentiate and very mentally taxing.
Thank you for the putting to words how I have been feeling with 2 toddlers. Versus beating myself up as a bad mom and craving space
I think my mom plays a huge part in me having a fawn trauma response. I’m basically my little sister’s third parent and my mom even agreed with and in her words “that’s how it should be”. She always went out of her way to force me into relationships with her side of the family and would volunteer me to do things but only at family functions. She would text my cousins who I was close with about how she’s worried about me when she could’ve just came to me about it. She invited me to group chats with her family when she knows that I have issues with some of them. I’m 20 and living with her and my dad. It’s tough healing when I still live with them. Thanks for this video tho it’s nice to understand myself and why I feel and do things.
I'm a mom with CPTSD and ADHD and my son has Autism and I feel like we are constantly triggering each other. Do you have any advice, information that would help clarify how to handle these scenarios? For instance how to talk to my autistic son who's saying his intrusive thoughts out loud that's then giving me flashbacks for him to understand that those thoughts he's sharing out of curiosity I've lived them and they hurt still. How do I parent a child who's constantly bringing me back into the darkness that I'm trying to heal from without hurting him or creating a traumatic scenario for him?
All true for my mother, self and daughter.
You could also have neither. Lots of people have sensory processing disorder, but are not a person with autism.
Thank you so much! This just about explained all the questions that I've ever had 🙏
Grandmother age 71 here, wish people like Kim had been around 25 years ago - BUT I'm here to tell everyone not to give up! My relationships with my mother and consequently with my 3 daughters, and the world at large' are healing slowly but surely, and it is SO worth it. My mother died in 2007 still the same person I remembered from my early years, and I made a vow then to try and bring an end to the multi-generational poison in my family. Unfortunately, everyone involved has to experience some pain along the way without being able to see immediate results. Just hang in there xx
Thank you Dr Sage! So well and clearly articulated. What a gift to all of us who need to heal from abandonement issues. Imagine what the world could be if we all healed from our abandonement issues. So much Light & goodness wasted in shame, fear of being rejected and not good enough for others. With your support, I will take steps forward in healing my wound and hopfully, also let more of my Light shine. Much gratitude for your Heart and Wisdom
this video I related to so much.. I have been scared to talk to a professional to get diagnosed because I am not 100% sure but this video has made me want to talk to someone so thank you...
Wow. I’ve never felt so understood. Every single one.
What if you seeing yourself as “too kind” was compared to the people around you.. and external people (friend and her child) See your “too kind” as their “not kind” Sometime ago i realized growing up with parents who name called as their way of showing love …. made it so I was Able to be the highest of dysfunctional…. But not good enough for the Lowest functional. So i compared myself to other dysfunctional…. And found out in realms of functional.. Im their dysfunctional… So were not healthy enough for healthy and healthy enough to view Dysfunction… Which is why we take on care giver/advocacy.. cuz we can see how bad the dysfunctional are.. and can interact (masking) with the “normals” but when the normals see behind our mask…. We Lack awareness of why thats “bad” and feel outsider …. Because they sense dysfunction and we compare dysfunctions.. And why? Because dysfunctional familes compare children/ play favorites.. compete them… pit them… Functional families individuallize children giving Autonomy and helping them to develop in maturity. If you have emotionally immature parents.. you will out grow them intellectually bit have issues around mommy and daddy….
I find your videos so very helpful! Thank you 🪶🪶🪶
The Coventry Grid is a tool developed to differentiate between cptsd and autism - with a version proposed for adults in a paper published and easily searchable as "the Coventry Grid for Adults" by C Cox and others in 2019
I felt like i never fitted in . How can you fit in it didn't come naturally to me still feel like a out sider but to be made fun of you lose trust in people and stay in your safe place
Well actually, only God can truly heal us. We can’t heal ourselves and stand in our truth. We can firmly stand in Gods truth and shift our identity in Him. The narcissistic mother will always hurt us if we are in contact. People will always let us down. But God doesn’t. That’s the real healing. ❤️🩹
I got Cptsd and Fatigue because of nervous system in fight flight freeze, have lonlienessfeelings
Thanks ! Why a caregivers always be alone in the end ? I have lonlienessfeelings in my childhood and in soo alone and servere Fatigue!
This is exactly how I felt. 😢😢 Sadly enough. I knew there was something wrong in her. My brother and I were victims of our mother
Divergent mind by jenara nerenberg was really helpful and relevant to these areas of interest:)
i have been considering autism for some years now. i have official diagnosis of ptsd, ed, depression, ocd and bpd traits. This sounds so much like me.
Oh. This explains so much about me.
I'm wondering now if my mom is borderline (my therapist thinks so). I have some severe OCD, and she's hot and cold when it comes to supporting me or not. She supports me financially, and in private, she'll tell me I'm a good person and reassure me, but later, she'll make digs at me and my OCD themes in front of family and friends with no apparent remorse, at least in the moment. She does have depressive episodes where she asks me if she's a bad mother and cries. In some ways I don't blame her, since she was severely abused as a child, but I struggle to understand how she can care in one moment and demean me in front of people the next. I'm also probably autistic, and I feel like it just adds a layer of confusion for me, like I can't stop telling her sensitive information because I think she's regained my trust, but then she betrays my trust again.
This entire list is my life. Yet no professional has taken me seriously because i struggle to drop my mask because i dont trust them. The dismiss and invalidate instead of recognizing that I'm trying to share my inner world with them and need fo feel safe to do so. All i want is a diagnosis and the whole process has been infuriating. It takes all I have to show up for these appointments only to be shit down and not believed without any further investigation. 😫😡
My first thought is thank you for much for being so open and vulnerable with sharing your thoughts and feelings. Your willingness to share despite your fears tells me how passionate you are to share this message and help others find peace within themselves. I am 32 and have recently been diagnosed as a neurodivergent - I suffered neglected and abuse as a child, lived with different family members who took advantage of my disposition as a quiet, suffering, ask for not child- I have PTSD as a result and my adult life has also been riddle with trauma as the cycle was not broken until I finally moved away from family. The diagnosis of being on the spectrum has given me my life back and I deeply appreciate the resources I have found online and your video today is appreciated!!
I fully relate to this video and the content youve shared.
I toke care my siblings. I'm the oldest out of 3 siblings.. Have MS for 19yrs (Multiple Sclerosis.). I'm 42yr old w/ 4 kiddos.. I tell my mom I take care my siblings when they were small. I was 12yr old. Now you please 🙏🏼 take care of my kids.. Aa toke care of my siblings
I waited for an apology from my mother right up until her death from cancer on October 1, 2021. It never happened. I believe I was a good daughter. Loyal. Supportive. Loving. But I was one of her favorite targets. I was there all the way through her illness and was by her side when she died in hospice. My siblings were also, especially my younger sister. We did love her, but now I know that I was trauma bonded to her. I can’t speak for my sister and brother. My mother was clean/sober in a 12 step program for more than 30 years. And she was a practicing, bible reading, praying Christian. In fact, it was me who brought her back into the church and also introduced her to the program. However, the BPD/narcissistic behaviors never completely resolved. Sadly, she finally started seeing a therapist during the last year of her life, and I’m guessing that her mortality was the main focus of her sessions. Who knows? My mother was very secretive about these things. Now, I find myself in a 20 year relationship that has been more painful than not. I believe my husband has NPD, and I have borderline traits which have only gotten worse in the relationship with him. I’m in therapy…AGAIN…and for the first time I actually feel intense rage and hatred for both my mother and my father (who committed suicidi in 2005), they were addicts, and they abandoned us with family members over and over. I’ve never felt distain or hatred towards either of my parents until very recently because I now see clearly how my most deeply rooted and painful struggles have everything to do with them.
I took my note from my psychologist who diagnosed me, to my GP. The letter stated my diagnosis and that I should be prescribed proper medication for my symptoms. My GP laughed. “We’re all autistic”, is what I usually hear, which totally invalidates everything I experience.
Wow Dr. Kim... this part about the eggshell parents and hiding before them getting home was so right. The thing that really hit me the most was when you are talking about the hyper-empathy.. I have never felt more empathetic for anyone ever before my ex fiance with BPD. I truly loved her with all of my heart, but she ended it all and I question if it was splitting. But anyway, I know a huge reason I loved her is because I was so empathetic for her, and I have been questioning if I love people out of pity and I'm trying to dive into if I pitied her and that caused me to love her more.
My son is ASD and learning all aspects for my son I came to the realisation that my Dad is also ASD and has affected his life so negatively over the years. I don’t want that for my son. It’s such a struggle both as a son and father. And regular people won’t understand unless it is part of their lives, or take the time to understand the struggles.
My mother constantly raged. Her favorite word was, "goddamnmotherfuckercocksucketsonofabitch." I kid you not she said that like it was one word. She used to scream and threaten she was going to kill us. "I'm going to kill you." And she wonders why two of us went no contact. I don't understand why the other two siblings didn't go no contact. I guess they are trauma bonded to the narc mother.
I am no one's girl too.
Dr. Kim thank you for sharing about your biological father. I found out later in life I have a biological father. He had a daughter and a son. I have reached out to the daughter but no response. I really just want to see a picture of him and find out what kind of health issues he had. He is already deceased. God bless and good luck to us both. God's will be done.
"You survived it!" Didn't know those three words could move me to tears so quickly.
I've given up on my BPD mother ever learning boundaries. It's just not going to ever happen, and I have to accept it. I will be very sad when she passes, but..my solace will be that, due to her extreme controlling tendencies, it will also mean that I will discover a new type of freedom in life that I have never known. She couldn't get what she needed from my father, so she turned me into her ersatz partner...very, very painful, and it fills me with a lot of bitterness and frustration that I wish that I could get rid of.
Fantasy worlds... hmm.. ya I can see that. I was so into anime and cartoons and shows where there was a group of girls who together fought evil. I found myself wishing I was accepted and special and part of a group that people appreciated.
I never thought about menopause being why I don't go out or date anymore. But I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer so I have been busy.
Some days are worse for me than other days. I remember I was going to call my Narcissistic brother and I just couldn't. I could not get myself to do it. It is hard to explain. I just .. perhaps I did not want to be judged or ridiculed. Not sure. I just could not do it. So I take him but rarely. I am a lot closer to my youngest brother who needs anger management but has went through abuse like me during childhood at the hands of class mates and called stupid by parents along with other insults. Sadly both my brothers are even worse to their kids verbally than our parents were to us. :( I have no kids and I figure it probably is a good thing. I over share, talk too much, have pretty bad anxiety of dealing with people around me and would prefer to be alone. When I was a kid though I did not overshare but kept things to myself and my dad had to bribe me to go outside to play and talk to the neighbour girl. I found out later the girls in grade school thought I was a snob because I would not talk to anyone but for me I did not know how to just walk up to the group of girls and talk to them. I needed to be encouraged or given permission or invited and no one did. In high school Grade 9 a grade 12 girl invited me to sit with them at lunch and that helped and I was grateful. I also find it exhausting and nap every day. I find I prefer short times with other people instead of a full day. Too exhausting. Scent and Sights do not bother me but loud noises I don't like and I do not like making noise. I don't want to bring attention to myself. I would rather be as quiet as a mouse even in my own apartment where I live alone. For intimacy, it felt more like acting as I had a hard time knowing how to be.
I have never had a best friend and always blamed myself and was always anti-social and even during the 2020-2022 years I did not mind the isolation of staying home as I had contact with people online which I prefer as I don't have to face people in person which makes me uncomfortable. Online chat in games has actually improved my communication skills and confidence and now I am able to self-advocate in medical situations which I am pretty proud of.Perhaps it is my temper that helps me stand firm now and stand up for myself but I used to not. It was something I had to learn by using my frustration to being mistreated or not believed. I do still type and talk too much though but found it was really only my family who would tell me that they did not want to hear my "life time story" as they would call it. But now that I am 50 I realize they have their own issues with impatience and temper. I worked hard on my temper. There is a lack of psychologists in my area so I have not been officially diagnosed even though I asked my family doctor to get me one. Well, that was years ago and still no doctor. In fact I did have one before for my depression but he moved up north 4 hours away to Toronto without telling his stable patients so now I have none and can't find another. I do overanalyze a LOT!!! But I find I am always excellent at researching :) My depression medication has helped me not cry for no reason anymore around family. Now I can hang around with them on family occasions where as before it was sooooo very hard for me. Over the years I scanned people a lot and learned how to act so when I hear about masking I knew that is what I had learned to do over the years. I have a brother who is narcissistic and a perfectionist mother and a manipulative self-pitying father and a depressed very angry impatient youngest brother. Family life was hard for me but school was even harder as I was beat up every day by the kids and it was an era before the no-bullying focus so the teachers unknowingly enabled the bullying as the kids knew how to manipulate the teacher. I used to "escape" outside of the school yard to be alone at recess and then the bullies would get the teacher to pull me back into the yard every time. I just wanted to be left alone. I LOVE being alone. I used to experience loneliness before computers but now I don't date and don't call people like I used to (well my medical appointments keep me pretty busy as I have CKD and Cancer) and my mom calls every single day. I used to date but every since the guy I was engaged with did not work out and I gained a lot of weight from PCOS/PCOD and Prednisone and decided after that, that dating was too exhausting and I masked so much that I just stopped dating and rarely miss it. I mean I do but at least I don't have to mask if I am alone. I don't have to act a part for people to accept me. That man accepted me but the long distance made it hard and at the age that I am the only ones left have more personal issues that are too hard for me to deal with so it was just a choice I made. I don't mind being alone.
Thank you
What a painful existence
I love my borderline mom and she loves me but when she asked about moving in with her adult children was all said ‘absolutely not.’ I’ve told her before ‘you’re better as a once a week friend than a housemate because you’re so chaotic.’ Ho boy she got mad 😂😂😂😂
Holy fuck it's me.
It's been 11 years since I went No Contact from my mother. I'm tired of her playing the victim and the pity party that she gets from other relatives. She actually used my trauma story and quoted me as her own words. She's freaking crazy. I suffer in silence because ppl judge me when I say I don't talk to my mother anymore.
I had a narcissistic parent, a narcissistic sibling, was born in a cult, and was bullied in school. How do you come back from all that? Can you?
Dr. Sage, you're saving lives. God bless you. ❤
Girl, how do you know my mom? You described her to a tee! Thank you for sharing. Finally, I found a name for my moms disorder. She refuses to get help. She's scared the psychiatrist will tell her she's wrong or that she's the problem.
Yup. Mom loved saying "You're so disrespectful." She called me "B!tch" and "whore" after reading my journal. I was a virgin writing down my fantasies.
I always hid in my room when I was a child; I felt such a burden and wanted to hide from everyone. Family was a source of anxiety for me. I always thought something was wrong with me but now as an adult I realized, it’s not me… I was just a child so how could it be my fault??