➡ Download the complimentary workbook to understanding the stages of narcissistic abuse (with checklists) here : commonego.com/checklist/

Signs it's reactive abuse: 1) You feel guilty for the way you behaved after the fact. 2) The other person knowingly set you off. 3) You're not abusive to other people.

@AZDC99

Жыл бұрын

Number three is a huge key there! But in the midst of recovering from it I found myself attacked by various flying monkeys and was almost gaslit to believe I was part of the problem to an extent

@waughletonsify

Жыл бұрын

No.3 really made me think here. My partner makes me out to be an absolute monster but I don't act like this with anyone else.. like ever... in my whole life. Ever.

@runningwithscissors1564

Жыл бұрын

I won’t lie. I have taken some of my anger out on others from all the frustration. I didn’t want to and I have apologized, but I feel like I’m drowning. I have kept quiet for far too long that I am losing my sense of self. I am afraid to tell certain people what all this man did to me.

@BlackPst0neGNRL

Жыл бұрын

1. You feel guilty for the way you behave after 2.other person knowingly set you off. 3.your not abusive to others.

@aklev5745

Жыл бұрын

❤

“Don’t wrestle with a pig in the mud, you both get dirty and the pig likes it” 💯

@whenkharkov5981

2 ай бұрын

Damn that’s deep

@DouglasNicholson-ff6ep

25 күн бұрын

Truth. A narcissist has a "warring spirit". Conflict doesn't tire them out, it invigorates them. It makes them happy, happy, happy!

We shouldn't call it reactive "abuse", but self-defense. The words are very important.

@ThatNerdApparel

Жыл бұрын

I feel that the term reactive abuse more refers to the abuser and not the victim

@LaisCordiolli

Жыл бұрын

I think it can be reactive abuse because we can be abusive when we are triggered, unfortunately. It's not on purpose like narcissists do, of course.

@louaguilar9000

Жыл бұрын

If we act like them, we engage in abusive behaviors. We have to be responsible and accountable for our behaviors. I'm dealing with reflecting on the times I have let those behaviors affect some of my most cherished relationships, and it still leaves me shaking with guilt and regret and shame.

@angelrains5371

Жыл бұрын

Yes you are right ! It def should be called self defense ! I only lash out at my husband, no one else ! I’ve broke tons of things including tv’s and other items, some very expensive! I feel trapped inside myself with no way out of the intense stress and being unable to talk to him about it triggers me further, he says “ you’re trying to start a argument “ or “ you’re badgering me “.. all while he is all over me about anything and everything and he deems that to be ok, and I can’t tell him what he is / has been doing to my mental well being cause he doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to ! He can change like the weather, being more attentive to not at all, depending on what I am doing for him. I can’t even explain it cause it’s extremely complicated and confusing, which again makes me even more upset cause I can’t explain it fully. It’s subtle and has been going on for over 7 years. I feel like I have lost my mind and will never get it back !

@icebear5689

Жыл бұрын

Exactly! You read my mind. I feel guilty when I had to take stand for myself because if I starts to explain the situation you won't believe I have to go through every single day and I feel so claustrophobic living with the narcissistic family the amount of abuse I face they are after me to put their trauma in me. I will be honest that I always be silent when they do abuse because I know they want bad reaction and to provoke but when there's nothing to avoid them and I keep enduring and enduring and suppressing myself then I end up taking self defense. I won't wish the situation to anyone. Sometimes if there's god who can seeing this.

Wow I was just accused by my narcissist of being the narcissist. I have been worried all week that he was right. Look at all the crazy stuff I did. But now I know I’m not the narcissist. Thank you 🙏

@sofiabrasher6068

Жыл бұрын

The narcissists will project their insecurities all the time.

@LaisCordiolli

Жыл бұрын

This is so disturbing

@zippyz4170

Жыл бұрын

Best thing to do is research the red flags of a narcissists so that no matter what someone says to you, you have facts so no one can guilt trip or gaslight you into submission. We always ask a third party and they're only going to tell us what we want to hear.

@sannetussch22

Жыл бұрын

Your not the only one... He said I was gaslighting him. And after looking into videos about narcism and gaslighting. I was even doubting about maybe me being the narcissist. But now I learned I was responding harsly to him in the sense of him being unreasonable to me.

@sunset9729

9 ай бұрын

If you can run and don't look back if you can It is 20years to recover enough to realize I wasted a lot of time knowing what I knew all along. Something is not right.

My husband asked me to come out to dinner, I drove my car there, sat down, and I asked a question. He started hollering at me in the restaurant, I got up and walked out of the restaurant. Without saying a word.

The problem with reactive abuse is that even narcissistic people who abuse you will also say that they reacted to your abuse or that you also provoqued them. So that makes it difficult to identify the real victim and the real abuser

@gmod8033

6 ай бұрын

💯

@bevhills4877

6 ай бұрын

Yes Details and the entire story matter, but good luck getting that out before the N starts fighting over examples, ppl tire of the fight and continue to treat the N w undeserved respect.

@wmd40

5 ай бұрын

Literally multiple men in this comment section lol

My ex is a narcissist and has even admitted to being one. He triggers me and I come back with reactive abuse and I can’t stand it. It’s not me, but I’m tired of it. He doesn’t understand this. I finally feel validated in how I’ve been feeling.

My dad is a pro at triggering this. Thankfully I learned in my 20's how to not fall for it anymore but it has left me lonely bc he convinced my entire family of his lies and I wasn't ever allowed to tell my side of the story. Such is life.

@CommonEgo

Жыл бұрын

I’m sorry you had to deal with that 🙏❤️

@EdenHazard-ni1cq

Жыл бұрын

Also realising this in my 20s, what pains me even more is what i had to go through in my childhood.

@pandymaz1719

Жыл бұрын

@@CommonEgo thank you for your work. I have been through decades of therapy and even majored in psychology for the short time I was able to attend college but it still helps to hear "refressers". I am so happy I found your channel. 🤗

@deadprivacy

9 ай бұрын

Same.

@jetztisfeierabend

4 ай бұрын

The you are not allowed to tell your side of the story i know so well. It took me til being 40 to step up for myself and say no more.

Yup. I was not only the bullied kid at school, had it at home too. Standing up for yourself is right, sometimes the only way to stop an abuser is to hit them back. Fighting back is a natural response, ask any living animal.

I am a victim of reactive abuse. Although the instigator has been convincing everyone that I am the abusive person. I even got called a liar last night by someone close to the instigator, even after showing him a video and explaining what was going on in it. Because I was reacting...and "winning", I was the abusive party. so nauseating.

@dianederita2758

Ай бұрын

Really is nauseating

@AA90

Ай бұрын

Sorry you’re going through that, pray for their souls, and forgive them, it’s easier said than done but holding on will eat you from the inside out

@williambrown5998

25 күн бұрын

When you defend yourself you’re always the bad guy in the situation.

I used to get so aggravated. “ Oh, you’re the one being rude, I’m talking in a calm tone of voice.” That was a long time ago. I don’t even respond. I get the “ Why are you being rude and ignoring me? I didn’t say or do anything to deserve that.” I used to calmly and shortly explain why when I knew they darn well knew why. On New Year’s Day 2023 a family game night. At the table “joking insults” were thrown right and left . Coming from all sides. It wasn’t even sarcastic humor, they were words deliberately meant to get a reaction. When I didn’t respond or react they went to my nephew sitting next to me. I could tell he was starting to crumble. His big sister stepped in and says why are you all being so passive aggressive? “ I was shocked I didn’t realize she’d taken my advice earlier this year and looked it up. Needless to say, the joking insults stopped. No apology. They went on playing the board game as if nothing happened those past 10 minutes. I’m proud I didn’t react . I’m proud my nephew didn’t and that my niece called out their bs.

I questioned my self and my intentions for so long. I felt so awful and bad, I don't normally break other people's DVD's and tell others they are dead me. I don't treat others that way. 😢 But yeah they wanted that because it made them look inoccent. I tried to help and help and help that person over and over and over again, and they just treated me like garbage everytime. And I adored them and I don't know why.

@darkhorse7460

4 ай бұрын

Hugs. You're all good, love. I know this because you wouldn't be HERE if you didn't feel empathy. It's not you, trust me.

Thank you! You just described 17 years of my marriage and now 9 years of "co-parenting". It is awful and much more heartbreaking to feel the helplessness in trying to protect your children from these abusers.

@crystalgroves3775

Жыл бұрын

My daughter's bio mom is very hard to deal with and helping her navigate has been so challenging. Protecting the kids is borderline impossible. Good luck!

@sharonbell1094

Жыл бұрын

I'm sure it's not easy but try to feel thankful you're co-parenting and he didn't win cudtody. My ex had his teenage son and neglected him. He just left him gaming but i guess most kids were happy to do this. Then he left school with no results even though I tried to encourage him to study but his dad signed to say no exams. Two more years doing nothing only for his dad to throw him back to the mum when he turned 18 and child support stopped. Absolutely cruel.

@justinescully1237

Жыл бұрын

@@sharonbell1094 notice the quotes around co-parenting. I fully understand the situation you describe. Prayers for your and your son's healing, as well.

Thank you for going into reactive abuse more. I always felt like I was the abusive one for reacting to the things my ex would do to hurt or minimize me. Especially knowing that she never felt bad or took accountability for the things she did as well as her telling other people the things I did but never what she did to elicit my response. I know in the end, that was my fault exploding like I did and I still, almost a year later, feel guilty for the way I reacted. It took 2 years of her emotionally and mentally abusing me for me to reach that breaking point. I truly feel that even the healthiest of people would break when subjected to that mindf*ck on a weekly basis like I was

@YoBeAwesome

14 күн бұрын

I relate to this so much. Zero accountability over how they trigger you for hours and never accept your accountability and role for initial issue. Then they keep looping and calling you names so you finally break and loose composure and say how you “feel” then you are a narcissist abuser. They literally are setting you up so they can see ahaaaa see I told you. You are the problem. How dare you! Devaluation/discard

Ty, I struggle with the question most days.

She got upset when I stopped apologising for being upset and demonstrated I had no more patience for her behaviours and attitudes. She called this abuse and manipulated situations for a couple of months. I’m still thinking through everything, especially with family court for the child vastly approaching, I know I’m not an abuser, but her victim mentality seems so believable through her extreme and dramatic reactions.

@stardustsparkles22

Жыл бұрын

Get a nanny cam and document everything with it,but not where she has any expectations of privacy ie, bathroom, bedroom.Ask a lawyer for a free consultation and document every interaction. Or she'll destroy you in court. So sorry you're going through this. This is what I had to do. I have the flash drive in a different bank that I haven't told anyone about in a safety deposit box.

@thelovely961

Жыл бұрын

Projection, definitely trying to project her behaviours onto you.

@carpathianken

Жыл бұрын

Your missus sounds like Amber Heard in that she wants to blame & make the victim seem like the abuser when it's her that's the toxic one

@ronaldstark8342

Жыл бұрын

They are accomplished actors.

It was months of her being the sweetest person to me in private, telling me she likes me, and then ignoring me in public while being nice to everyone else. I confronted her about it in a way I regret. I didn't insult her or anything but I was very direct and cold. This then evolved into a phase where she continued to gaslight me. I broke things off completely and I feel free. It will take time to heal, but I am glad I experienced all of this because it made me into a better person

When I reached my breaking point he would call me a borderline

The narcissist wants to push you to that “Reactive” state. I was ignoring a narcissist that was having a temper tantrum, and because I didn’t respond they kept saying “DO YOU HEAR ME!??! They wouldn’t stop yelling until I said “Yes”.

@CommonEgo

Жыл бұрын

They can be very much like small children when they don’t get their way 🙏❤️

@aflack1000

Жыл бұрын

@@CommonEgo I've accepted the fact that not only is my husband a covert narcissist, but I've labeled him a "toddler." He acts just like you'd expect a 2 yo to act. Since you don't "react" to a 2 yo (at least, you shouldn't), I simply don't react to him. I keep remembering my mom saying, "You don't argue with your children. The minute you do, you've lost."

@thelovely961

Жыл бұрын

Yeaa the calmer you are, the more angry they get. Whereas with a regular person, your calmness can help calm the situation down.

@colin0007

2 ай бұрын

Yup, my narcissist just burst out attacking me one day, accusing me of something I clearly wasn’t doing, I tried to laugh it off and make light of the situation, then she accused me of laughing at her and got even madder, you can’t reason with people like that

She’s wrong at 1:17, that punch is ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. What needs to happen is for God to get involved so the abused gets help as clearly the abused is not equipped to help themselves (whether they don’t know HOW, are afraid, feel stuck, confused, etc) , and the TRUTH needs to come out!!!! Please may the truth come out about the abuser so the world can see and call their ugly a** out!

@Anonymous-kp3jf

9 ай бұрын

Tsk. No one helps even if you walk up to them and ask

@InshasChoice

8 ай бұрын

No wonder so many people end up harming them or themselves. It's horrible

Reactive abuse can also come from 'friends' or 'friend group'. After all these years i finally found the term used for it. They push exactly the right buttons to set you off, then you lash out and they remain silent. It always ends up looking like you're the one with the problem. Thank you for this video.🙏🏼

This happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I was definitely made to look like the bad guy.

@xmannythakidx

Жыл бұрын

Same.

Amen... been there, done that and didn't realize the underpinnings to what was going on. My eyes are open now and she no longer has that kind of control over me.

Narcissism, the behavior is contagious even if the disorder isn't

@CommonEgo

Жыл бұрын

Sad but true 🙏❤️

@runningwithscissors1564

Жыл бұрын

I do have some narc traits that really bother me. When I was with the narcissist, my traits got worse. While I am not a full blown narc, I do have tendencies that stemmed from being in a toxic family.

Wow, somehow I got this video with perfect timing. Just an hour or two ago my wife asked me if I knew how my daughter and her boyfriend would get home from the airport tomorrow and I answered that I did not know (they are very self sufficient and had not asked me for any help). She turned that around and said something like "So you don't care about how she gets home?" After years of this kind of thing I got bent out of shape and said "Did I say I didn't care? Did I say that? Or did I say I don't know?" Anyway, I got unusually annoyed by that and this video identifies the problem exactly.

@choochtrain

Жыл бұрын

And yes, she did do this with an audience.

@stardustsparkles22

Жыл бұрын

@@choochtrain just don't be hard on yourself. Next time calmly say ,"That is not what I said, I merely informed you that I did not know" "Please don't put words in my mouth,it's disrespectful and you clearly seem to have the need to say very hurtful things,"Why is that?" Then leave the ball to drop flat. Walk away. Also see yt videos about comebacks to narcissistic people, and write them down, and memorize them. Stay calm and detached if you can. They thrive on reaction. Don't give her what she wants,hold back your reactions. I hope everything get better soon for you. I'm sorry that this happened to you 💛.

@chaoswitch1974

24 күн бұрын

It sounds like she resents you for not doing any of the mental labor.

Signs I wasn’t the abuser: I wasn’t smearing them I wasn’t stalking them I wasn’t provoking them I wasn’t bugging their car The delusion they can have is unbelievable sometimes.

Omg, tysm. I was literally thinking am I the covert narc? I broke down and cried when you pointed the last 3 examples. Esp the question of: is this ur only relationship with this problem? Are you 'abusive' on your other relationships. This has been torture enough but to think you are the main source of the problem is a nit scary. Either answer will need therapy but idk thinking ur the problem and being that horrible was a sad and scary thought. Ty for providing guidance and clarity 🙏

@jennifernunez220

Жыл бұрын

* a bit scary

Wow, this completely describes the dynamic between myself and my (now) ex-wife. I would spend ages feeling overwhelming guilt for the things I was pushed to. I would always tearfully apologise. But then I realised it was a reaction to emotional abuse and gaslighting. I went down the narcissism rabitt-hole in part to prove to myself that I was being delusional and hypersensitive, that the woman I loved for 26 years was a little narcissistic but wasn't NPD. But the more I read and watched, the more I realised I had been with a covert narcissist for a quarter of a century. I even defended her to my friends after she discarded me. I discounted the opinion of our youngest daughter when she expressed her suspicion that her mother was a narc. But I'd like to say healing is possible and you can can become so, so, much stronger after being re-forged in the fire of narcissistic abuse. Find your happiness and validation within yourself, it takes a lot of work and courage but is worth every second.

@BeautifulOnes876

Жыл бұрын

💯

@darylgreen3881

Жыл бұрын

Yes.. me 2

I’m going through my recovery now, I literally was asking myself the same question. Thought I may have been going crazy. He would antagonize for days, any avenue that he could. Finally when I responded he would show everyone the texts that I sent in response, trying to smear me. Thank you so much for this video 😢😊

@stardustsparkles22

Жыл бұрын

This happened to me too. After putting up with years of a whole bunch of abuse that was on another level,I snapped.Then he set me up online,to talk dirty to him exactly the way he likes/ asked for,then turned around,shared our private sects publicly and now literally everyone hates me! They all think I'm a monster, and they aren't aware that he specifically ASKED to be spoken to like that,it's his own kink. Smdh.

thank you so much for this video. She told everyone i was abusif because i would raise or yell during an argument when she was always pushing my buttons to make me yell and blame me being abusif. my anger always came out as a trigger. been with her for 15 years....between June and August 2023, she tried to have me arrested 5 times on fake domestic violence complaints because i would yell. she was so playing the victim with them excepted the 5th time, the police warned her to stop calling for arguments. all this because she knows by divorcing i get 50% of the house and all. she was trying to have me arrested, once i have criminal charges, i lose access to the house. now she loved bring her family over to try to trigger me, 2 times now i warned her to not too...now i am just waiting to see if she's going to test me a 3rd time...next time she does bring someone else, i am not saying a word and im dialing 911 for tresspassing. fuck around, you;ll find out.

@j09k06

19 күн бұрын

I know this is late but please try and get away from this actual ogre in silence

You made great points on reactive abuse. Yes, if it was mostly a single person that made you reactive that way, it was reactive abuse most likely.

honestly i felt like crying hearing you put all this into words that i cant describe myself. my wife is a horrible person who triggers me regularly with her controlling ways and word salads and talks behind my back like i treat her bad. and makes out to everyone she see like she dows everything at home and for the kids (which is absolute gargage, when im not working 40hrs a week im always at home and with the kids taking care of them and doing chores around the house) i use all my will power everyday to not react to her crap and just try to grey rock her, but even then, she will even have a go at me as well for not answering her at all. Im really over it but i cant leave her yet, our very young kids both under 2 need their parents.

@darylgreen3881

Жыл бұрын

Bro.. I have had six children.. 30 year Marriage.. 63 soon.. you must get out Now... you will find a way! for your OWN Personal Mental Health... Got the T SHIRT!

@carnivoroussarah

Жыл бұрын

If you can pull it off financially, leave her. Its better for the kids, so long as you can afford it of course. I know the economy is bad right now. But i would rather leave my abusive mom than stay.

I don’t feel guilty for fighting back. No one should. If you’ve been constantly abused by someone, you have the right to protect yourself.

@Kate-nc4yt

8 минут бұрын

Alabama doesn't recognize self defense.

7 months out of a 9 year relationship with a scary covert narc. 9 years ago I was a thriving, happy, quiet, driven person and before I finally broke free I was a constantly anxious, sad, tense, obsessive person. I would react constantly out if anxiety and was always trying to anticipate my partners next move. He constantly would do subtle horrible things to me and then I would cry or lash out and tell him to stop and he would tell me I need help. Tell me I’m not mentally stable and he needs to protect the kids from me. Eventually he couldn’t convince me things didn’t happen because he smashed my head into a wall and dented it. He wasn’t able to tell me I imagined it. I’m out of the fog now but I still struggle with questioning my own reality. Wondering how long it will be until I’m fully confident.

That kind of abuse is the most confusing and destructive. It left me feeling betrayed, and defenseless. Those wounds of self doubt and guilt run the deepest.

Omg!!! Thank you so much for this! I have been dealing with so much pain and trauma. Can’t hold back tears of relief! Here is yet another moment of healing. It’s so good to know that others have experience in this too. I can’t say thank you enough!!!

I had an ex colleague instigating me all the time and once I lost it infront of everybody but luckily everybody knew who she was and what she was playing at so her games did not work. I did not feel guilty not 1bit but I kind of regret yelling at her, not because of the yelling but because I gave her what I wanted, my reaction...but the way I see it, I am only human.

I responded this way for 28 years, three months, and 11 days. It was Hell. But I'm a better person today because of it. I owned my reactive abuse and took responsibility for it.

Yep I thought I was the bad crazy awful person and I tried and tried and tried to change Then slowly I started to realise it wasn’t all my fault Then I realised it was probably 50-50 Then I realised it wasn’t my fault When I changed my behaviour and managed to do what he had done for hours to me to break me before I did, he cracked far sooner and went faar more “crazy” than I had ever He threw me under the bus so many times it’s astounding

Or “self defense” as someone else said -- shame on us for not allowing them to treat us like their doormats 24/7 So frustrating that they’ll never be emotionally mature enough to even process their own strategies they use to control the relationship If they would just put a fraction of the efforts into doing things that promote stronger healthy bonds. They false sense of control they get from this abuse never holds for longer than a few hours I would think it’s exhausting to create these situations just to have mutual hurt and false hopes of sustaining a relationship I used to wonder why she was always so tired and appeared mentally drained at certain stages during our cycles, what a damn waste of time, passion….life. For both

So, I feel like narcissism is highly discussed and sometimes the label is thrown out too easily, when allegedly only a small part of the population is truly narcissistic. That said, I just dealt with someone who sounds more and more like they fit this bill and it really got me thinking about it. Because she habitually makes friends and forms relationships and then "drops" people the exact moment they no longer serve a purpose to her life or "make" her happy, and somehow nothing is ever her fault, despite all of the decisions she makes that contributes to her own self sabotage. She got fired for drinking on the job? Not her fault. She got chewed out by an employer for not doing what she was supposed to? Also not her fault. She cheated on a guy because she was bored? Definitely not her fault. She yelled at me, one of her only close friends, in public, over basically nothing? Definitely not her fault. And it took me way too long to see the writing on the wall and bail out, but thank goodness I did.

@ExceptionalLex

Жыл бұрын

From what I read in a book, there is a theoretical spectrum of narcissism. Pretty much all of us have narcissistic tendencies, but some people are much more methodical/intentionally manipulative. The person isn't always a malignant narcissist where if you spend 5 minutes with them it's clear what kind of person they are. Lots of narcs are a lot more covert to the point where their loved ones don't even realize who they truly are.

@betalhimasres4703

Жыл бұрын

@@ExceptionalLex do u think covert narcissists are tactfully abusive or do not realise they’re narcissistic?

@Pladderf

Жыл бұрын

@@ExceptionalLex yesyesyeys

@nv_chino

Жыл бұрын

They never take responsibility!!!

@michelleemerick5680

11 ай бұрын

I actually think narcissism is rampant these days.

Oh my God I saw the title and it screwed me up. Thank you for putting it up there! I legit got so confused for a few days, googling and watching videos and wondering if I was the real narc. Thanks again!

I catch myself screaming at him, mainly because he won’t tell the truth, he won’t even talk to address any of the things that hurts me…. The more I scream, the calmer he is…… he is now saying I must have a drug problem because I’m not acting normal….. I’m responding to the 21/2 year relationship he’s been having on the side that he’s lying about

Never heard about reactive abouse; thank you for opening my eyes. My wife will tell me I look overwhelmed ir in disarray (gaslighting) specially in front of guests or my kids, for instance when I am cooking, to get a reaction from me

Everything you have said it's correct 😭

Thank you so much for this. I'm dealing with the end of a relationship with a narcissist and this helped me so much right now.

My problem is that we have a child together! How do u maintain a distance from someone u have a child with? I finally had enough of the constant belittling and Iam so tired of being blamed for things I know he caused! You are so right the guilt u feel even though you know it wasn’t you can really bother you! I’ve been married to a narcissist for 13 years and the damage done is absolutely devastating! How can someone do you so wrong and u still can find yourself giving excuses for there behavior when you know they was the one who was in the wrong! Ugh the pain and damage is so bad! I’m starting counseling and really need to find the best ways to heal from all of this!

At first, this was a trendy thing then I looked into it now I can verify one of the signs is that a narcissist would never wonder if they are the narcissist and actually do research to verify themselves. This is scary because I know many people that are like this and will never look at these videos so it safe to say that it is accountability that drives us to videos like this. Thank you.❤

Thanks for posting this as this is basically my life story...due to narcissists and difficult personalities.

Yes...lately everyday.

My mom did this to me everyday once she found what my triggers are. Which I have many because I'm what she calls a "germaphobe" I love to clean. I used to be a kleptomaniac and a hoarder when I was to younger, hence to cleaning habit I've decided to keep. struggled with many things like pica (eating disorder) she would constantly humiliate me and belittle me. I was to not allowed to be myself unless she was sleeping or not home.

@N0N4M30

Жыл бұрын

Same that’s why I only try to be up at night where she sleeps. I am destroyed

@Ashlie287

Жыл бұрын

@@N0N4M30 I'm sorry you're struggling, I understand it's very difficult but do you have a friend or family member you can talk to about this?

@InshasChoice

8 ай бұрын

I really want to get out but idk how anymore. I can busy myself with work and focusing on my goals, but even that is exhausting... you can speak all you want with family and friends, but no one truly gets it + they get sick of hearing about it

The same with silent treatment, you ask & ask & ask…at some point you escalate 😢

Ty for this video. Its validating. When she would push me to the meltdowns i became someone i couldnt stand. I said and did terrible things. She was so calm and quiet while i was coming unglued. Every single time she remained silent and just watch me crying and begging and ranting. My god? What kind of a woman could just stand there and calmly watch another human suffer like that? I swear she was enjoying it. I began to think i was losing my sanity. When she exited my life that bad behavior left me. Until her i never behaved like that. I was becoming violent. I truly believe she is sadostic and evil.

Narc says.... whine them up!! Whine them up!!! Once his successful at the reaction he wants, he sits back and laughs!!! Like he says... You will never win this!!!

@adamcefalu9430

Жыл бұрын

Yep

Goodness, you're stunningly beautiful. That said, I've been looking for a channel that spoke about this very topic. Having been discarded a week ago after a 4 month relationship, I have been oscillating between being confident that I was doing my best in the relationship to feeling horrified that my actions were why it ended. She, of course, helped this along by putting her decision to break up on me and the fact that I confronted her on the relationship, not feeling right. Something I'd brought up once prior and was just looking to have a discussion about. Wasn't expecting to break up over it. It was a classic blame shift, projection discard, I felt, but I still struggle with the "what ifs" For example, "What if asking her to be more present in the relationship was wrong. Maybe I should have just gone with the flow." I didn't like how she seemed to do things on her terms in terms of communicating or not. Things like that. How we were supposed to be in a committed relationship, but it felt more like casual dating. Anyway, sorry for the rant. I've just spent the last week pouring over material to figure out exactly what went wrong and also trying to determine my part in things so my head is spinning 😏

This is how I feel at 60 years old (male) for all of my life, as far as I can remember. But I can only escape the relationship am in now, which is my marriage of near 35 years. After watching a video of yours posted before this one, although 2-3 years ago, these are still valid today. And the last, plus this one described our relationship perfectly. Am tired of being someone else's punching bag & having nothing & did leave during the 2021 Thanksgiving holidays, her sister tricked me back. Thing of it was, she gave me the courage to leave. Anyway, anytime I threaten to leave, since we're both disabled & she draws less of a benefit than myself, threatens me with having to pay alimony. That is her main magic bullet, the other being "you'll do no better than me".🤣 Probably can get another woman who at my age, can start a family with, maybe mid 30's or so. So how do I pull this off again? And not have to sleep in the cold for 4-5 nights like last year. BTW, I love your videos!😀

@stardustsparkles22

Жыл бұрын

You won't have to pay much alimony if you can show you barely have anything for yourself. Show your rent costs,food costs etc. Even receipt of food costs. To the judge. Call her bluff. But not until you can find a place,oh and drain the battery on all your devices when you go see a lawyer, just in case she's monitoring your device. Best of luck.

@darylgreen3881

Жыл бұрын

Bro.. Just Tell Her to F@#$ off! you will be ok.. Hindsight a WONDERFUL thing!

Those are narcissistic fleas......... I have too many after all that Collective madness......... Thanks for your videos !!!

This is the story of my marriage. I raised two kids in this environment, unfortunately. I tried to shield them, but unfortunately, my daughter saw my behavior as the problem. My son, who is almost 7 years her junior, saw a different side of his father and a more "aware" me. (I became more able to keep my mouth shut and provoke an attack)my daughter doesn't talk to me anymore because she is convinced that I am the problem/ narcissist. My son has seen the real face of his father but at least he knows the real me and we are very close. I don't try to drive him away from his father. I guide him to cope with his dad "the way he is" and never to expect anything more.

@jhoanaislas1727

Жыл бұрын

Wow, it resonates with my situation. My son, who is not his son, is open to seeing who he is. We manage around him, but my daughter being 6 she struggles immensely not only because of her age but because it's her beloved "daddy." It's painful knowing this truth and living first hand how it affects a whole family. I do pray every day, and my prayer is"please Lord bring your light into my house. Bright everything to your light." That's my only hope that he will give understanding to my daughter as well, at the right time. Not mine but rather his perfect time. I try not to lie to my children, I don't sugarcoat wrong behavior. That includes accountability from my side. This is the hardest topic for me, but I have learned to mature and know myself a lot more than I thought was possible.

It took me 3 years to understand and accept that I married a covert narcissist. I used to hold my tongue when my husband would lash out at simple questions or requests--in order to keep the peace--but once we had kids that was my breaking point. My husband can no longer walk all over me, he has responsibilities, and should he ever harm the kids he'll be a bachelor again. And we all know narcissists fear abandonment.

😢 Thank you. I held a lot of of shame and guilt. I believed the narcissistic label that was slapped on me. I believed I was a terrible person. My actions were definitely bad. No doubt about it. I still think some of my behaviors were terrible. But that's not who I am. I was pushed. With constant taunts, demeaning, belittling, deflective remarks. I reached a point where I completely lost myself, I was completely in their control, I was reacting to the emotional strings being pulled. But believed it was my fault.

I have gone through this for years with my mother an recently I'm seeing a therapist because of it.

@CommonEgo

Жыл бұрын

I’m sorry to hear that… hope therapy is helping 🙏❤️

I've only made it a few words in and I can already tell this is exactly what I needed to hear right now

I've always felt guilty. . . I no deep dwn all I've done is say truths and literally wot was going on. . . I do u no wot I realised the more I sed the more I was jus hurting myself. . .

Try explaining this to my exes family. She claims i abused her in every way possible. She used to pick fights. I tried to make her aware of her fight picking behavior. It does leave me wondering at times if i was cruel. I did feel like i was taking blow after blow

I have been in almost exclusive narcissistic and toxic relationships, and I know I’m a partial cause of things getting bad. I was abused as a kid by the neighbor, for years, I was abandoned by my family systematically over my life, lost my only singling to a car crash, etc. I hate talking about my story because it isn’t supposed to be a contest. It’s just life. I have carved out happiness, and joy, and made friendships and had romances that were healthy, I believed. But I would always be cast out. Too poor, too ugly, too annoying, too emotional. These are things I’ve heard, not assume. I watched as friends opinions and views changed as we aged and new people and judgements were cast. All the while, I kept quiet my abuse at the neighbors hands, i had my own physical trauma and multiple broken bones and injuries from many near fatal and brutal events. I still smiled with hope I would find my people. And when I found my adult romantic relationships. I sought out people who made me feel needed. Who didn’t want me to leave who shared my every passion and whim; who were sexually stimulating and at my much faster pace thanks to my own sexual education. I found though, as I attempted to lock up my insecurities and be the hero, and savior. Be the man, the caretaker and still have time for being myself, o was always conflicted and confused about why, the same things I enjoyed before I was suddenly resented for doing, and why i felt the need and pressure to keep the peace and cut out healthy friends and family and attack those closest to me, who disagreed. I have amazing children with my 3 longest relationships. But each one, has faced me with new issues, new things to research, new therapy topics, each one has been so vastly different but all End the same. I am Left to rebuild my life from the ground up, next to broke, and help support my children in homes with new step dads in and out of the door(one of the reasons I know I’m Not the complete problem) and somehow be the best co parent dad I can be, and be manipulated one way or another, or depending on the situations stonewalled, ghosted, ignored, or even dragged through courts. The thing about me is my traumas made me unbearably empathic to trauma victim survivors, and the poor and downtrodden. I’ve literally given the jacket off my back, and money I don’t have. Couches, the lot, I’ve offered my time, energy and efforts to be supportive, to show a vision that we can go through it and smile about something. And that light in me is so dim. That energy to dive into my passions is low. Frankly I spend so much time, watching videos and reading things like this, and distracting my heartbreak and loneliness via tiktok or games rather than continue my life of promiscuity, and commitment cycles. I want to find the energy and passion to chase my dream business, and give my kids a ranch to come visit all as getting all my kids together, and seeing them smile and laugh, making memories, fishing campfires. That’s the goal. Hard to reach that in my position, but I’m Not dead yet, and I will figure it out or die trying. Vent over

@Common Ego youre video literally just saved my life, youre a genius. thank you❤

I have been thinking it must be me!!! You have helped me so much

Thank you! I really, really need this right now. Gonna listen again. 💔❤

0:07 ⚠🤔 In my case, I have to disagree: Conflict NEVER happened in front of another person! In fact EVERY disagreement, argument or 'fight' was behind 'closed doors' or while isolated away from others. - Why? So that _everyone else_ would only _ever_ see the 'bright and shiny' side of her! 🚩Like the MOON: Only those that get close enough will see the TRUE 'cluster-B darkness'.

That was the story of my childhood. My younger half sister was difficult, she would antagonize me, instigate and push relentlessly until I reacted. As soon as she got a reaction out of me, she ran to dad to get me in trouble. That's where I got the majority of my ass beatings from. If dad wasn't home, she ran to mom. I always had long finger nails, I scrached her one time, she ran to her mom (my stepmom). Mom dug her nails in the upper portion on the inside of my arm, tearing my flesh "to teach me a lesson". The parents didn't see the manipulative b***h but somehow my paternal grandfather who didn't live with us walked in on a few occassions witnessing it? My grandparents knew what a horrible child she was, they never had her stay at their house but they always came and got me as much as they could. She was despised by most everyone as a child. But I was her constant victim. When our parents moved out of State, she was 18-19 years old, they initially left without her but came back for her after she called and fake cried, "come get me". They had difficulty dealing with her, even to the point where she got mom and our youngest brother arrested. If I received a nickle every time my dad would say to me, "you're older than her, you should know better..." That was his way of shutting me down, not allowing me to tell him what happened. How he could never see her abhorrent actions towards me. But today, now, after all these years he tells me that she is jealous of me.

This was very validating, thanks!

Wow thank you so much for this video. I seriously was questioning whether I was to blame and if I was a narcissist. This explains so much on why I reacted the way I did.

You have a great manner at explaining things like this. I never watch these sort of videos. Mainly crafts and such. This is relevant as I've dealt with this since childhood. What you said, I can confirm as true. Thank you for your eloquent explanation. Easy to understand.

You explained this very very well. I felt huge relief when you talked about feeling guilty as a sign that you are not the abuser.

Very good video, thank you. It have left me alone from my family, never got the chance to explain and recently I had to walk away completely. God Bless You

Thanks a lot, interesting subject. My experience with my narcissistic ppl around me, who are really smart manipulators.

❓ Can you please go into great detail in the different kinds of reactive abuse PLEASE 🥺

I think I was acting out reactively but sometimes it got to points where I was the one to act first. We would be somewhere, talking about something, or just a random thing triggered me to where I was upset. All the hurt or the recent hurt would come flooding back in and then I couldn’t calm down. My brain would go back to the incident(s) and I would feel betrayed or abandoned all over again. And I won’t lie, my anger would often get the best of me. I feel and did feel so guilt about my behavior. It makes me cry now thinking about how I acted.

My whole life

great teacher of the subject, thank you so much

How does the universe know when i need a message... thank you.... also your hair is so beautiful in this video. Happy holidays ♡

Omg... this is so on point.. thank you!

Yup. My mum and sister have been pairing up making ironic, hurtful comments about me all the time and then, one of these days, my sister grabbed my head and pulled my hair because of how angry she was with me over a perceived disrespect on my part (I came home 10 minutes late), and then I just couldn't anymore and yelled at her, calling her a name. I just couldn't take it anymore, that behaviour of her stirred so much agression in me, agression I had never seen before. I apologized later.

I wish I could explain these things to the people around me. Over 16 years of abuse. Law enforcement involved. Non stop defamation, slander, surveillance, betrayal, flat out lies, destruction of everything. Trapped by lies. Words cannot describe, but this video does a good job of explaining a few things. It' s worse when it s a loved one. Decades of this crap and being on the edge of the breaking point and passing the breaking point then having your reactions used against you to continue trying to justify the abuse. You lose everything.

It's been a week I ended my relationship. It feels like I'm going insane. I feel confused and guilty.

Thank you so much for this.

THANKYOU❤

Amazing! Thank you

Comments get points! Comment... Comment... Comment...

On top of being neurodivergent which is lonely, having to deal with abuse and victim blaming is icing on the cake...

It has taken me 10 years to put a name to what has been happening to me. Currently working on extricating myself from this situation. Now that I see it I can't unsee it.

Thank u for this!!!!❤❤❤❤

Thank you for this video! My ex insists I am a narcissist, I keep telling her my therapist diagnosed my as fearful avoidant, she says her therapist (who I never met) diagnosed me as narcissist and she entered a support group for narcissistic abuse, which I find surreal. Videos like this puts matters into perspective 🙏

I use to have an ex that when he would kick me out he would toss my things at me and when I would get them he would walk by me and bump me and elbow nodged me when I started noticing it was being done on purpose I reacted back causing us to have a whole on wrestingly match . . And I get labeled as the abuser …

Thank you so Very Much. 🙏

Definitely self-defense & they know this.. they are the immature ones for deliberately targeting a vulnerable or empathic person who just wants peace for all

Thank you❤

My narcissist acts like he’s angry when I lose it …. He stays calm and smug at times but the more I argue and go on then he gets angry and tells me to sit down and stop making noise. Lately when I start arguing he will just interrupt me to laugh about something and change the subject which makes me more angry

thank you