I've found that examples are incredibly helpful for understanding how we might be inadvertently turning away or against others in our conversations without realizing it: BID: This article is so interesting!
 RESPONSES:
 - Towards: Oh yeah? What's it about?
 - Away: Mhmmm, cool.
 - Against: It must be nice to have so much time to read. BID: You wouldn’t believe how difficult my day’s been.
 RESPONSES: 
- Towards: Oh no, what happened? 
- Away: You think you had a hard day? Well, I have a story for you!
 - Against: When do you not have a bad day? BID: That was such an intense rainfall last night!
 RESPONSES:
 - Towards: Yeah, that was super weird, right? 
- Away: I guess. 
- Against: You’re always so dramatic, it wasn’t that bad. BID: This isn’t working, could you come help me out for a second?
 RESPONSES:
 - Towards: Sure thing, I’m just in the middle of something right now, but I can come in 10 minutes. 
- Away: (ignores the request) 
- Against: Figure it out yourself! Lots of love to you, thanks for taking the time to watch and read! 🫶

@Adithi2609

29 күн бұрын

Thanks sooo much

@carolineindacityphx

29 күн бұрын

I love the examples listed here. Thank you. I never really looked at it this way, and running toward, turning away, and turning against clearly delineated the reaction to the bid. I have been guilty of turning away and turning against, and watching your video is a wake-up call to do better.

@caroln3564

29 күн бұрын

Is your "culture" lgbwhatever?? "Pandering" and "woke" is always a bad idea. I bet you're a carnivore in private

@sarahmillson1594

28 күн бұрын

I like this video :) looking forward to next Tuesday a cup of tea video

@carolinacolombotedesco70

27 күн бұрын

the turning against examples seem to be responses for grudges being held as a result of lack of communication. great video as always 🥰

A standing ovation for Robin's acting skills is mandatory 😂😂😂

@Gri03

27 күн бұрын

Haha I was going to say the same! 😂

A friend and I were discussing how people fall out of love a while back, and my friend said, "Love is a verb (action) and not a feeling, and feeling follows actions." The friend turned out to be my boyfriend eventually. :)

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

🥹 aw i love that! this is so wholesome!

@DBMarquesS

29 күн бұрын

You boyfriend is John Mayer?

@brian_hermelijn

29 күн бұрын

Love that answer. Super beautiful.

@arty_stick

29 күн бұрын

@@DBMarquesShahah..maybe 😉

@Cloudipy

27 күн бұрын

The fact that this mindset came from your partner himself is great! I love that for you!

I ' m in a relationship for 13 years now and I can totally agree. Also, I would like to add: You don't always need to agree (sunset e.g.), but if you have a different opinion, it helps to just react with curiosity: "Ah you like this flower? What do you like about it?" or "You like the sound of the bird, what does it make you feel / think of?" You don't always need to agree or tell your opinion, but be interested in the other person.

The best piece of advice I got from my mum, when I was a teenager was: consider that the way you see the world is your personal ''map of the world'' filled with your experiences, filters, education... And that the other person in front of you has its own personal map of the world... It has helped me soooo much understanding that we do not see things perfectly the same way. Simple but so so much impact on any of my relationship❤❤

@federicade6382

28 күн бұрын

This is a great advice!! :D

@Roismyname

27 күн бұрын

Thank you for sharing this!

@arlenrodriguez1058

26 күн бұрын

Exactly! Every person is a different world! I've lived by this since I understood it and it saves me from complaining and criticizing others

@lekhadevi8763

26 күн бұрын

Ohh wow❤️

I guess the advice that I am still learning is to not assume what the other person thinks if you do not know, better ask. A lot of miscommunication, arguments and bad mood can be avoided that way.

@theartalli

29 күн бұрын

I’m learning that too, it’s tough being an over thinker 😂

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

Euf that's so true, and one I need to get better at for sure (professional overthinker over here 😅) - thanks so much for sharing the reminder !

@ginal2643

28 күн бұрын

Absolutely. When people don't communicate, resentments & "harboring" happens.

@agataesinska9271

28 күн бұрын

@@theartalli I fully understand, as I am an overthinker too. I guess I will never master this, but I can be better at this. ;)

@agataesinska9271

28 күн бұрын

@@PickUpLimes I guess I tag along with this learning, a little step each time. Sometimes one or two backward, but hopefully more forwards. :)

I love the Lumineers line: The opposite of love is indifference

@Gri03

27 күн бұрын

Absolutely right!

@puiiroyte5882

24 күн бұрын

Me too!

@bigjumpcoach6927

23 күн бұрын

I have a friend in the band, I'll let him know they are making a difference)

Robin’s responses were actually hilarious

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

😂

@luciaret

29 күн бұрын

His acting omg 😇

@thatgirl_Devi

29 күн бұрын

I was thinking the same 😅

@katelijnesommen

29 күн бұрын

"I've seen better" 😂

@JeenaSulaikha-hd8wy

29 күн бұрын

"what's wrong with you"?😂

"The secret to strong, healthy relationships isn't in grand gestures, but in these small, often overlooked ways we can turn towards the people we most care about." "The strongest relationships are those where the effort is consistently made in those tiny moments."

I think one of the relationships where this is really underrated is the parent-to-kid relationship. We get so busy with everything else that turning toward them is a fight in itself. But if we don't, we could face them locking us out of their lives during their teen years and strained relationships as adults.

@Coffee_is_ready

28 күн бұрын

I had the same thoughts. This is a good reminder for me to be more responsive with my kids.

@sarahhenning5484

18 күн бұрын

If I look at it truthfully I am more often than not turning away in the ways described in the video

Robin in the bloopers 😂❤

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

😂 hahaha good fun!

@Fleurdelys999

22 күн бұрын

Drama queen much ? 😂😂

Thanks Sadia. I’m on vacation with my husband and we had a bad fight. I was in a sour mood and found this video while desperately searching for something to make me feel better. The video is VERY helpful AND the best part was Robin’s bloopers. I was NOT expecting them and was caught completely off guard and his lines made me laugh out loud and I remembered… beneath all the crazy, my husband is a good man who’s doing his best. So I’m ready to shower and get dressed up for a nice little evening date. Thanks so much!!

@brontec9769

25 күн бұрын

I hope he turned towards your gesture to repair :)

Loved this video! My husband and I who have been together for over 30 years have a '10 talk' everyday. This is a simple conscious effort to talk to each other exclusively everyday about anything that's on our mind. We have a large, messy and loud family so it's often difficult to grab that moment so before our beautiful family were around we developed this daily habit. Sometimes it's just 5 minutes and a hug, others it can turn into 30 minutes of intense conversation but we make time because it makes us, us!

@TheKarebear666

26 күн бұрын

This is lovely. Thanks for sharing ❤

@MargAbbottYou

26 күн бұрын

Ooh love this, might sneak this into my day with Husb of 35 years...!!

@Mushroom321-

15 күн бұрын

Great tips !!😮😃

When I am having a bad day with work or anything outside my relationship, I will sometimes walk by my husband and literally say, I need a hug... and I get one. It makes me feel supported, even though I know my husband can't fix things for me. It also help him feel supportive, without having to come up with solutions.

My biggest takeaway is that "bids for connection are everywhere". Just looking at this comment section it is clear that we are wired to engage, see one another, discuss, share, learn, teach, show up, laugh... Beautiful video, it made my week, thank you! :)

@brontec9769

25 күн бұрын

what's amazing about this, is that it can also happen with perfect strangers

I once read something very important: if you need to tell your partner about something you don’t like that they did, don’t say: “you are inconsiderate/irresponsible/etc because this and that” but instead say “you not doing this/when you said this MADE ME FEEL x way”. The second way is better because you’re letting them know how you feel without criticizing them, since that makes them focus more on the fact that you only critize instead of the fact that they did something that hurt you

This is wonderful, simple, and very meaningful advice! My husband and I have been married for over 20 years and watching this makes me realize that we have both worked to get better at turning towards each other. The life of a relationship has many phases and sometimes you won't be able to do this for each other in a completely even, consistent way, but prioritizing this kind of connection over time keeps things strong. By turning toward, I am always learning new things from my husband and getting to know him better as we both evolve and grow. I love this kind of content from you, Sadia, thanks for bringing back teatime Tuesdays! And thanks to Robin for the roleplaying, so great!! xo

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

It sounds like such a beautiful relationship you two have! 🥰 I completely understand what you mean-since I've started asking more questions and actively 'turning towards,' I feel like I'm learning so much more about Robin too. It's helped strengthen our relationship so much in the short few months we've both been practicing it. And thank you for your kind words about his role-playing; haha I think he's such a natural! We had a lot of fun filming it! Thank you for being here and taking the time to watch, dear friend 🫶

This video’s tip is a great one! I’m married 30 years and the tip I would to share is that we all thrive with some appreciation. Anything your partner does for…any action , support, comfort is worth saying thank you …showing appreciation encourages your partner to repeat these kindnesses, feel seen, heard and appreciated. It’s almost magic! Love your channel! Ellen

I enjoyed this video. My struggle is that some people seek validation continuously from others. Giving a positive response to their bid, instead of providing safety, comfort and contentment, produces a constant stream of more bids for attention (especially if they have burned other connections/friends) to the extent that it feels overwhelming… this becomes even more difficult when said person is a parent or sibling. But within the parameters of emotionally stable and healthy people I think this advice is spot on!

@undzwar2498

10 күн бұрын

I very much relate, I try to deal with it by communicating how often I'm available

Robin was so funny in the outtakes. “Drama Queen much?” Was my favourite. 😂

For me the most valuable advice was that relationships are in cycles, every few years the agreement of what that relationship means needs to be renewed. Sometimes an old relationship needs to die to let a new one be born. Maybe with other people or with the same one. I heard my therapist saying she married many times... the same man.

We had this family habit at home to kiss everyone goodbye, when leaving home or going to bed, to ask for a hug if needed and to talk about anything that made us feel bad with respect. My mum was a teacher and I have always feel so lucky, because she managed to inspire me such a caring, loving, respectful way of treat others ❤ my boyfriend did not grow up in such an environment, but we try to work the same habits, as well as communicating without jugdment (not easy but worrh it 😊)

Hello Sadia, I have been watching pic up limes videos since 2017. At that time I was a stressed law student. First I watched your video about minimalism. Since then I have become a regular viewer. When I was in university I was so stressed with my studies and for me, your videos were like therapy.🤍 I tried a couple of your recipes. Now my mom and I have become tofu fans🤭😊 I never knew we could eat this much vegan food until I found your channel. So thank you for doing what you are doing.💐 love from Sri Lanka 😘🇱🇰

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

Aw I'm so happy our videos and recipes brought you and your mom so much joy (tell her I say hi!). And tofu is pretty awesome, hey? Such a versatile little ingredient. Thanks for your lovely message and for being a part of our community. Sending love back to you in Sri Lanka! 💗

@PupasAtPlay

29 күн бұрын

Are you a lawyer now? If so, how do you like it?

@FernandoD7336

28 күн бұрын

@@PickUpLimes thank you for replying 🥹😍🤍

When I learned about this study it gave me a new perspective on toxic relationships; when making those bids people can often stay because turning against was still better than turning away. That need for connection runs deep!

I have two things that I worked on improving in my reationships: Don't go for the fix and it's not a competition. Oftentimes the other person doesn't need/want advice but just someone who listens and lets them vent so they feel heard and seen (=appreciated and taken seriously). They don't need my "Have you tried this?" or "If I were you I would ...". Unless they specifically ask for my advice, I just listen and support. Regarding the competition thing, I often immediately went like "Oh, you think YOU have it rough? Well, newsflash!" I internalised that pain is always real to everyone and that it always hurts, regardless of outside circumstances and that it doesn't matter if other people have it worse. This person in this instance is suffering and it might be their whole world right now. So if I want them to feel better, I have to acknowledge that.

I literally just had an argument with my fiancé about this two days ago and I was at a loss of words trying to explain to him with the proper diction! This couldn't have come at a better time, thank you so much for this invaluable insight!

Like if you agree Sadia should start her podcast . Her voice is so soothing that I can forever listen to her 💖

This is exactly the conclusion I had this week while analyzing why I dont feel good in my relationship. Thanks

As I just went through the breakup of my relationship of 23 years, I realize how relevant this has been. Both in the positive for a long time in the beginning and in the negative towards the end. I wish I had found this advice about two years ago. It may not have saved my marriage, but it may have prevented a lot of pain. Thank you so much for your content. ❤

Glad to see you back Sadia and I really really never missed any one of your videos you are my inspiration and I wish you have a blessed week ahead♥️♥️🥹🥹

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

Geez you're always the sweetest and best cheerleader Mansoor, thank you!! Wishing you a lovely week ahead as well 🤗

Another big one is not only acknowledging the bids, but responding appropriately - sometimes it's best to actually ask what the other person needs: do they need empathy, a piece of advice, or simply acknowledgement? Nothing worse than getting advice when you just want to vent, or vice versa!

Ur videos are real therapy session for free... make more such videos pls.. more love to u and the pul team

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

Will definitely do 🤗

This is such a great share. I can already think of so many scenarios where the conversations left a bitter taste in my mouth when the person chose to "Turn Against" or "Turn Away".

Keeping a relationship sound and healthy is so important. Thanks so much for posting this. 🤗☀️❤️

I want to thank you for taking the time to talk about this topic. We are living in a world where everyone seems to be disconnected from others and trying to fill that with a lot of different things and the truth is that we all have the need for connection with other people. Thank you.

Thank you for Tea Time Tuesday again. So refreshing to see again! This was very helpful with great advice on ways to improve relationships around us.

The hand on the leg graphic really drove it home for me

These videos are so you! I love these type of videos. It always makes me pause and slow down. It's so cozy, heart warming. Kindly make more these type of videos

Thank you for this informative video! I miss your Tea Time Tuesdays. ☕️ My partner and I have been together for 10+ years and 5 of those years we did long distance. What helps our relationship is keeping the laughter and fun. We also have hobbies that we do together that we both learn and grow together in. We learned each other's communication style throughout the years which took a lot of patience and willingness to communicate and be vulnerable with one another. I've learned to not take things personally and my partner learned how to better engage with me. And when one of us cannot be 100% emotionally available for the other, we lean onto our friends or support system, journaling, or exercise. That last one was especially important when we did long distance. Still going strong, healthy, and happy, and continually finding ways to have fun and laugh together. 💞

Attachment theory and healing personal trauma - so many resources exist for this but a nice intro, supportivw community, and step by step courses are given via personal development school - they are a god send where literally all else failed me over more than a decade. Like the way you've put gottmans bids into real life examples. It helps so much more than descriptions. Really love these teatime catch ups the most. Thank you for this one ❤

A lot of times, in all aspects of connection, I try to show my love by listening, REALLY listening to someone, more than speaking. I also love to give meaningful gifts versus general gifts, to show 'hey, you told me once you liked xyz, so I got something that is the same or similar'. It's honestly the little things that count.

I love your tea time Tuesday and vlogs. Please upload more of them. ❤❤❤❤

i have bn your subscriber since 2017. and its so refreshing to see and listen to you everytime.

I love this teatime Sadia. I'm happy you brought them back.

Long time married person here. In my experience, “I” statements are best received & responded to positively. (“I heard x, is that what you’re saying?“ or something similar. About sharing feelings (especially vulnerable ones), “When (action or statement), I felt x”. Long, loving, & strong relationships are based on honest, open, & mutually responsive communication. Wishing everyone love, loyalty, & friendship always.💞 Reilly☘️

Sadia, this have been the most powerful video for me. I follow you since the beginning. A couple minutes before starting your video, i was in my head wondering why i was feeling bad (its been a couple of months since my BF and I separated). I was trying to connect with any unreseolved feelings. Your video made me cry during the entire time. It was a picture of the turning away and against in my past relationships. I allowed myself to be sad. That felt liberating. You just put simple explanation on my pain... 4 years of turning away... I will be able to identify bids for my next relationship. ❤

I thoroughly enjoyed watching the video! Your content always seems to synchronize perfectly with moments in my life. Can't wait for the next one!

This is so true when it comes to relationships and friendships, I love how you explain it.

Your and robin's relationship sets such a great example!

These tips were so useful that I can’t thank you enough! Glad to see you staying posted :)

I love everything about this video! My husband and I took the Gotman’s relationship test and it has changed the way we understand each other. This advice is priceless and so needed in every relationship ♥️

Absolutely agree with you. I already knew this piece of advice but seeing examples (shown back-to-back) will make it so clear for anyone who's never heard of it. 👏👏👏

Connections have been fading in my relationships. I’ve been trying to reflect and learn why. But this is spot on!!! It’s so timely for me. Thanks so much for sharing this in such a beautiful and clear way 🥹 wishing you stronger and more beautiful connections in life ❤

Its very important in relationships to learn how to fight...these rules help us to thrive best in low moments...we must develop a very good emotional library when we are feeling very high...they will keep us away from bad response in low mood swings because our brain will pick words from assigned library only

I really appreciate this advice. Infact I always experienced these instances of turning towards, against and away....but didn't know the bid for connection concept. It's amazing and true to the core. It reinforces the truth that is the core of my existence. Thank you PIL. Really indebted to you 🙏

Robin's screen time shoots up!!

Awesome practical advice. Great to see you back!!

A psychologist (Karen Horney?) said there are 3 ways of interacting: away, with and against. Every person has primary way, secondary/backup way of relating and underdeveloped way.

😂 Robin was being sassy/ spicy at the end. Thank you Sadia for PUL. 🍃Can honestly say this channel and the content produced over the past 7 years I've been watching has literally changed my life for the better❤

This video is such a great reminder for me that I haven’t been really turning towards my husband’s bids for some time. Thank you so much!!

I literally JUST read about this in Psychology Today magazine and am so happy you are bringing it up 🙏🏼

thank you for the very helpful video 🤍 definitely food for thought. well done, PUL team!

This is great. Thanks for sharing. One thing that helps us is when we have had a fight or a disagreement we have a few little tells that we do that don’t involve bringing up the fight or even having to admit someone “won” over the other. So we never actually apologise for fighting with each other but when one of us wants to clear the air or make peace we speak through a teddy bear or just send a stupid gif. Do something to make the other person smile. And sometimes it takes more effort to be in the receiving end of that. To allow my anger to dissipate and allow myself to smile and let go but we both make every effort to making the other person smile and also accepting these “bids” for peace.

This is exactly what I was feeling the past week with my partner and you gave me the perfects words and reasoning behind it, thank you! ❤

I was wondering if it would be this! I read about this a while back, and it was really revelatory for me. You can't unsee the fundamental nature of relationships this is describing.

This is from the Gottman institute, so beautiful to have learned this from there ..its makes you so aware of your relationship..its a couple who have studied relationships for the passed three decades..thanks sadia for posting about this🥰,

I recently had a 10 year friendship fall apart and this could not have come at a better time!

This has been so helpful to introspect about how I respond in my relationship! Definitely going to rewatch it with my partner, thank you Sadia 🫶 your videos are such a warm hug always 🥰

@PickUpLimes

29 күн бұрын

🤗

I love Tea Time Tuesday, thanks Sadia!

I totally understand turning away attitude!

I’ve been feeling a little unheard in my relationship lately and I didn’t know why. It’s great to finally understand! Thanks for uploading such an informative and well crafted video :) (as always)

I have not heard of this before Sadia. Thank you so much for sharing this with us. It makes so much sense! My husband and I have been married nearly 20 years but always willing to learn. xx

Loved this! Great one!❤

I like it so much when you keep changing the photo or the title!! I've already watched it three times 😍😍😍

Love this! Dr. Gottman is a genius. :) Thank you for sharing.

This is helping me see just how much I turn away from others. I tend to let my anxiety and fears stop me from reaching out to others and connect with them in a way that could benefit both of us. I have been challenging myself to ask more questions and initiate physical contact where applicable. Now I better understand the importance of doing so. I have been unknowingly pushing people away with my indifference and fear of connection. I didn't realize how discouraging this was.

I enjoyed this very much, I've been looking for ways to improve all of my relationships. This was such a way to feel, here, and see each example for what they are. I love the examples that you use. Also the bloopers were my favorite part

I love strengthening my meta-communication. I'll express my intention with what I want to say, then say the thing. I'm not perfect, but it helps me immensely.

The bloopers at the end had me giggling. So adorable. Thanks for sharing your relationship with us.

This is spot on. Thank you for putting this all so well.

Very different approach and simple yet never talked about concept. Thank you❤

Robin has a so sweet heart that even when he fakes indifference or anger he still radiates that sweetness in his eyes. ❤😅 He cannot fake or act like a bad person, his heart will still show up in his gaze!

Very beautiful recording. It immediately inspired me to think. One of the first thoughts is that we focus all our energy on creating the basis for survival (work, health...), that any relationship does not have our best strengths, but only the rest of our strengths. With this remaining strength, we try to create a nice relationship. It is sad.

Thank you Sadia, for offering freely such profound content and in a palatable way.

Thank you for your calm and clear explanation. Your videos are always thoughtful ❤

nice video! I agree 💯 I think we need to engage more with our loved ones and show them that we care!

Robin looks so serious in the videos but his humour is awesome, loved the content btw..... Helps a lot in relationships to acknowledge, engage and appreciate....... The examples were so relevant too Goes long way😊.... Keep rocking Sadia

This was really meaningful! What also helped me is learning your own and the other's love languages. It teaches you how they feel loved, which might be so different than yours so in some ways you wouldn't do it if you didn't know it

Thank you for sharing this!! Didn’t realize I’ve been indifferent to bids for connections by my loved ones. Hoping to do better now that I’m more aware of it!

This is great advice for also relationships with family members ❤

Yeah I'm absolutely agree that every relationship begins with making tiny things toward both sides ❤❤❤

Watching this video I realised why the relationship with my mum is so so hard (she constantly turns away) and why the one with my husband is so great ❤ love this video, especially the simple tips at the end!! Tea Time Tuesday are always the best videos on the channel, for me :3

This is so simple but such a gamechanger! Thank you!

Aww thanks for this. My partner and I have been together a looong time, and I recognize now that our bids (both ways) are being met with indifference at least half the time. I will definitely be more mindful going forward!

I love your videos. There is something so peaceful about them

This is so beautifully explained

I can not love more all of your videos, I learn so much from them!

Thankyou Sadia, for bringing back Tea time Tuesdays!

I LOVE this! So refreshing. I will watch it again with my husband later so we are on the same page. Relationship advice I have is to be silly and playful. That's the foundation of mine and my husbands relationship as well as our relationship with our 6 year old son. Life is often stressful, but being silly and playful, making each other laugh greatly strengthens our connection and keeps it alive. I love your channel. Just discovered it today doing plant research. Just bought my first plant a few weeks ago ❤

i'm familiar! having this vocab/framework has been wonderful for me personally and i think this is a great nugget to share! they really are everywhere, and all reminders of that are good imo! ☺️✨