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I think a large amount of people aren’t emotionally aware or intelligent enough to know that they’re unhappy in a relationship and then cheat and then realise in retrospect. It’s an even bigger problem when they blame their partner for the quality of the relationship even though they never communicated that they were unhappy.

@gmmartines7331

Жыл бұрын

YEEEEES! That last sentence just soooo much truth

@cailawilliams1434

Жыл бұрын

Thiiis though, my partner doesn’t tell me when he’s unhappy with stuff and it drives me insane and I just don’t know what to do. I know he’s a bit emotionally unaware and has trouble expressing the feelings but it’s incredibly frustrating with the stress I feel from it

@swatisaini6447

Жыл бұрын

@@cailawilliams1434 do u think it's bcoz as a child his parents didn't allow him to express his feelings so now he doesn't know how to express whatever he is feeling?

@sin3358

Жыл бұрын

​@@cailawilliams1434 if it's causing you this much stress, then create boundaries. Tell him that small progress is better than no progress. Also consider, do you want to be in a relationship with someone who's emotionally unaware? You can love him but just have met at the wrong time and that's okay. I don't wanna suggest you breakup but someone who puts zero effort in their emotional state is someone who doesn't care for the relationship as much as they need. And if they can't do anything to fix it, then they shouldn't be in a relationship to begin with

@awomansstory.2019

Жыл бұрын

Exactly what my husband did. I thought I had a perfect marriage..and then I discovered his affair while we were away on a family vacation. His married mistress was literally stalking us online to know where her lover was and what he was doing. All 7 days of our family vacation she was tracking us!!

Sexual cuddling... I would interpret that as cuddling while fully reclined, maybe with groping, probably some grinding. It's not sex, but definitely sexually oriented, and I would definitely count that as cheating even if nobody was naked.

@KxNOxUTA

Жыл бұрын

That is the thing "I would inerpret". Actually interpretations need to be discussed at the beginning of the relationship to avoid issues later on that happen unintentionally. Cause some will interpret sexy pair dance that way, but then it's just ppl doing their jobs or really just enjoying a dance form. And then there's trantric courses etc. Literally everything can be OK, that both (or "all directly involved in any way shape or form") can properly consent to.

@M4TCH3SM4L0N3

Жыл бұрын

@@KxNOxUTA I mean, if I were in a relationship with the person who said it, I would certainly have to clarify, but as someone who is just watching the video and Jono's reaction to it, I was offering an alternative interpretation to his version which was "so basically sex?"

@teentraveler1790

Жыл бұрын

Yeah.

@IsaiahSenku

Жыл бұрын

Definitely cheating territory

@sin3358

Жыл бұрын

That IS cheating. That has the same vibe as sending nudes to someone who's not your partner. How couldn't that be cheating??? You're doing things to make them attracted to you

I don't understand how people get so confused as to what constitutes cheating. If you are doing something with someone else outside of your relationship that you feel the need to hide, I'm sorry, but that is cheating. It is probably different for different people. It may be texting, flirting, viewing pornography, going to strip clubs, or physical contact. If it breaks that sacred boundary of trust, it is cheating.

@lisarodriguez6966

Жыл бұрын

I agree. If it's anything you wouldn't do in front of your partner, it's likely cheating on some level. Otherwise, you wouldn't hide it.

@AlienAteIt.MyNoraTees

Жыл бұрын

1. would you do that in front of them? 2. would you do this with someone you find unattractive?

@jisookomblackpinkkru256

Жыл бұрын

I don't know about defining cheating on a ''anything you feel like you need to hide'' basis because there are some things/situations where technically you're not doing anything wrong but you still feel like it's better to hide them because you think it's going to unnecessarily hurt your partner, for example: maybe you have some personal issues that you don't feel comfortable opening up about yet to your partner and you prefer talking to a friend or a family member, so you don't tell your partner that because you're worried that they're going to be hurt that you chose someone else to vent to (to clarify, I'm not talking about issues in the relationship, I mean pure personal stuff like mental health/a specific traumatic experience and such). Or if you go to lunch with a friend of the opposite sex and you don't mention that to your partner because they're very insecure so even if that friend is really only just that, you don't say anything because you don't want to fuel those insecurities - don't get me wrong I'm not saying that it's right to just outright plain hide things your partner is insecure about, I'm just saying that it's not really cheating since you're not doing or even remotely feeling anything for that person, maybe a sense of betrayal yes but not cheating. That being said tho I'm with you on the part about not understanding how people have such a hard time understanding what counts as cheating - sure, sometimes it all boils down to how the people in the relationship feel about it but there are certain objective lines you do not cross like you can not justify a kiss because ''it was just a kiss'' or emotional cheating because it didn't turn physical, or even shamelessly checking other people out and call it ''just looking''.

@marseanO2060

Жыл бұрын

@@jisookomblackpinkkru256 if your partner is insecure about you going on a 1 on 1 lunch with the opposite sex and yet you still do it you are just plain stupid

@MomoMensch

Жыл бұрын

as you said, it is different for different people, and if you and your partner do not intuitively share the same views on it, it gets messy. of course you can talk about it, but there are situations when you did not beforehand or you did not specify enough. so then one partner feels cheated and loses trust while the other partner did not know it would hurt them. i am polyamorous. I can be in a monogamous relationship and stick to the rules and i learned how to discuss them. But in my first long term relationship my partner and I used to jokingly talk about kissing other people. For him the joke was that we would do something like that and i thought we were having lighthearted conversation about our boundaries. When i kissed someone else and I told him afterwards (i was sharing my excitement) he was feeling very betrayed. He could not believe that i could even think, it would be ok for him. I could never fully gain back his trust. I used to feel very shitty about myself, but I do not anymore. I learned that I have to be very clear about my needs and boundaries, but monogamous people should be too and not assume everyone feels the same way.

I "cheated" according to my ex-husband. I had been telling him for years that I was miserable (he wouldn't work, he spent money like it was potato chips, we had no intimacy). I finally started asking for us to open our relationship and see other people. I asked him point blank three times, and he said yes all three times, ending with "I don't care as long as you financially support me." We were staying together for the kids. After I started seeing someone (totally honest about my situation with the person I was seeing and they were in a similar situation), the spouse freaked out and got jealous. He told the therapist that he thought I should have known that his "yes" to having an open relationship was just to get me to shut up. I don't think I cheated, but I lost a lot of friends who took his side.

@Rikrobat

Жыл бұрын

His bullshit assumption is just that, BS. If he thought his “yes” was a way to shut you up, then that’s a clear indicator of his character. I’m sorry that several of your friends took his side. You deserve so much better.

@bretmaples

Жыл бұрын

You didn't cheat if he agreed to open the relationship.

@wolfgoddess15

Жыл бұрын

You did NOT cheat! You were more open in your communication with him than some other people would have been in your shoes. He just belatedly realized you were serious. If he'd cared about you, he would have tried to fix what you felt was wrong in the relationship. I hope you're in a better place now, friend!

@VizAnyaMSC

Жыл бұрын

@Giedre Antanaitis yes. I've been happily married to the man I was in the open relationship with. Our relationship is not open. We are both much better communicators. We work to make the relationship work and look for ways to make each other happy. :)

@Shadow1Yaz

Жыл бұрын

If he verbally agreed to an open relationship (thrice no less!!) then it is fair to assume he was ok with it. My partner asked me if they could date other people and I said yes. And when they started dating other people, they told me beforehand and I was not caught unawares. When I said "yes" I meant it (and I didn't even say it thrice. Just once.) So, you were completely in the right to assume he wasn't lying to you. It's his fault for lying about it. When you successfully lie, the other person believes you were telling the truth. He should have been prepared. Very disappointing from him.

I grew up watching how cheating destroyed my mothers spirit and self worth. I have a lot of hatred towards that behavior. I try to have some understanding for cheaters and not let it affect my (fortunately) much healthier relationship, but it’s hard.

@jakemarie828

Жыл бұрын

Yeah I have complicated feelings about it too. I grew up to believe it was a sin, felt angry around uncles who married their affair partners, got cheated on for my 1st relationship but was told by elders that "sexting didn't count," tried to make it work until we both hated each other, was single for a while, got told by a psychic that I'd love 2 people at the same time & panicked that I could hurt someone in that way, 2 yrs later ended up in a toxic thrupple where I was used as a therapist and hidden from friends, listened to my partner's mom rant about how her cheating saved her from an abuser, and then got labeled a cheater when the thrupple didn't work out and I ended up with one partner from the thrupple. The whole thing has been a whirwind of guilt and shame, cut people off, moved, went to therapy, and now I'm pretty sure I'm monogamous, but I respect open and poly relationships. I feel like if you can communicate with yourself and others about what you want, cheating really shouldn't be necessary. I'm still not sure about cheating in an abuse context, but in general it just seems like a cruel and selfish way to make a change in your life.

@l.s.d.5863

Жыл бұрын

​@@jakemarie828 I get where your partners mom was coming from. I ended up cheating, some years ago. Never thought I would. I was miserable in my relationship. I communicated my needs and feelings to my partner many times, but he made it very clear that he didn't care. And every time I tried to leave, he'd threaten to commit suicide if I didn't stay with him. I felt incredibly trapped. Eventually I fell in love with someone else. I allowed both relationships to happen because I was too riddled with guilt and fear to leave my partner. (The other person knew, I never hid anything from them.) After a while, being with my new partner helped me realize that I could expect better out of the people in my life than I had been (my affair with him was the first non-abusive relationship I'd ever had), and I was finally able to leave my abusive partner. I've been with that person ever since. We just bought our first house and we're going to have our first child soon. I felt really bad about it at the time, but in hindsight, I can't say I regret cheating. It probably saved my life. Relationships are fucking complicated. And so is morality.

@swatisaini6447

Жыл бұрын

@@l.s.d.5863 people who threaten to unalive themselves rarely actually mean it. Mostly it's an empty threat. Glad u r happy now

@user-kt3qm8jy8y

Жыл бұрын

​@@l.s.d.5863in a abusive context, I feel like that's different but cheating overall if you have the ability to safely communicate to your partner is not really complicated on how that is wrong through and through.

@deapgriths1893

Жыл бұрын

Why are you trying to have an understanding for cheaters? They are utterly selfish and it’s never okay

I dunno. I cheated when i was trapped in an abusive marriage. I was financially and physically dependant on him because he trapped me when i wa 19 years old. The person i cheated on him with was the ONLY person who helped me escape. Friends and family, no one else would help me. He helped me get my license, a car and a job so I could escape that life. Im forever grateful to him, even though we ended not working out and stayed friends Edit: cheating is not always about sex. I was in a relationship (a forced one but still a relationship) and i made the choice to emotionally bond with someone else in order to escape the relationship i was trapped in. I actually never had sex with the person who helped me, because I'm sex repulsed and he actually respected that unlike my ex husband who forced himself on me. I hated that relationship, grateful that i cheated because i never would have gotten out otherwise, but it's still cheating and i hate that's what i had to do to get out.

@yazzinsane

Жыл бұрын

So yeah, if i hadn't cheated i probably would be dead

@KxNOxUTA

Жыл бұрын

@@yazzinsane There was an option, actually, for them to help you and not cheat and then see if you fit together after you are actually in a place to freely consent to a new relationship, rather than trauma bond and switch one form of dependency to another. It is sad that it took cheating for you to have help. It's literally terrible you had to trade your promise of affection to receive help. I'm kind of glad you seem to not have ended up trapped again. That was incredibly good luck in a terrible situation. And I'm sorry that we, as a society (even if we should be in different countries) have failed you. You should have been safe to get unconditional help!! You were very strong for managing to get out. There is no shame in how it went. It does not matter. You worked with whatever you had at hand at the time. And for your now and your future, I hope that you have more access to unconditional help AND also genuine connections with ppl around you, of all kinds you'd like to experience. Best wishes to you. You've fought really hard!

@the1stmetalhead

Жыл бұрын

​​@@yazzinsane your case doesn't sound like cheating at all. It's more like prostituation with extra steps. You offered sex to your savior as a way to get licence and documents instead of cash.

@yazzinsane

Жыл бұрын

@@KxNOxUTA As stated, that cheating was 100% on my end. I was looking for someone else to have a relationship with because the marriage I was trapped in was so miserable and abusive. I hate that it's the route that finally saved me, but that's what happens when a 30 year old with money prays on a 19 year old. Everyone took his side and told me to "deal with it" I am doing much better now, and i am surrounded by much better people in my life.

@sin3358

Жыл бұрын

Emotional cheating is a thing and can be just as damaging as physical cheating. Sometimes it's not even romantic cheating, but being emotionally dependent on someone else for emotional support instead of your partner. I think you did the right thing. I think cheating is immoral UNLESS your partner is abusive and you need out of the relationship

By "sexual cuddling" I think she means cuddling someone in a sensual way, rather than an innocent way. There's sexual tension and flirtation, even if nothing more serious happened. As opposed to innocent cuddling, like friends who are just comfortable being more physically affectionate (hugging, sitting close together, leaning on each other) but there’s no attraction or sexual energy between them.

@hypnoteapot

10 ай бұрын

How do you "innocently" cuddle another adult?

I just wanna say as a bisexual woman, hey! If youre a woman in a relationship with a man and hes okay with you being with other women and not with men, please make sure you explain the situation to the person youre gonna do something with especially if you're hooking up or something, AT LEAST to the level of "hey i have another partner, they know i do this, and i just want this to be a hookup" or smthn, cheating and betrayal doesnt only apply to the main partner youre with.

@koftu

Жыл бұрын

Ah, the [rightfully] maligned "one penis policy."

@uncertain_zee

11 ай бұрын

@@koftu yup 😭 treating other women like a fetish for your man without them even knowing is so wild

@hypnoteapot

10 ай бұрын

​@@koftu"it's not sex if there's no d*ck!" 🙄

I cheated without knowing i cheated. I did something with someone my partner considered cheating, but It was something that I didn't consider cheating. It was kinda the reason my relationship started failing off. Now I tell people to ask potential partners what they consider cheating.

@rosaliac.386

Жыл бұрын

💯💯💯 This. Cheating is not okay (obviously grace for accidents💚), but those terms HAVE to be defined and varies per relationship. Communication is SO key.

@walkingwith_dinosaurs

Жыл бұрын

But what could that be?😅 like sexual cuddling in the video? I'm just really curious, I always thought those things are universal

@mandlerparr1

Жыл бұрын

@@walkingwith_dinosaurs Some people think just talking to someone else is cheating.

@samia6888

Жыл бұрын

@@walkingwith_dinosaurs some people think even liking someone’s pictures on social media is cheating. You have to have that conversation first.

@walkingwith_dinosaurs

Жыл бұрын

@@samia6888 oh yeah than I see. But if someone thinks talking to someone, liking photos (well not erotic ones obviously) is cheating, better not to have a relationship with them at all😅

As someone that has cheated, other than the guilt for hurting the other person, the worst part is knowing that you are capable of doing something that you never thought you would ever do. And you just get to sit with yourself in that

Oh my goodness Jonathan is too precious for words “you’re not a ho, no no no sweet woman” 😊

After being told by my first husband constantly that he settled for me and no one else would ever love me and that I was unattractive, I used an emotional affair with a long term, long distance friend to pull myself out of the marriage. I had pretty much realized that I wanted to end it by that point. But I wasn't immediately honest about it because I was worried about what he would do and how I would support myself financially. I feel worse for my friend because I can see now in retrospect that I used him, though at the time it felt desperately real and like a lifeline. I honestly don't think I would have been able to withstand my ex's manipulation and threats if I hadn't known someone else loved me. I've done a lot of work since then. Lived alone and supported myself, learned my worth and to love myself through therapy. And now I'm happily remarried to someone who treats me so well. I don't think what I did was right. But I'm glad that I got out and grew from the experience.

Been cheated on 3 times and none of them ever showed any remorse. First one laughed it off with his buddies so it feels odd seeing some people in this video actually seem to regret it

@marching27

10 ай бұрын

yeah...... the audacity some guys had to say they never did it when I saw him kiss the other girl. or the audacity for the guy to say it never happened till I got std test back and then for him to call the girl he cheated on me with a slut for that to happen ("lol I mean I was like... aren't you the slut in this situation? Why you blaming this other lady?" was what I thought but, it ended quickly)................ it was kind of refreshing to see the self reflection a lot of people had.

I was wondering if the video was going to define infidelity. Because as someone who is polyamorous and practiced monogamy for years, I've never cheated. But cheating can occur in Poly relationships and when it does, it adds an extra level of pain to the betrayal. But I'm glad that John defined it the way he did.

@leviathan8215

Жыл бұрын

For sure, and most poly people I talk to are similarly disgusted by cheating since communication is such a key part of it

@sic996

Жыл бұрын

yea, i mean, it is logical imo. Doing something behind someones back. We call it treason and involves kind of the same emotion of cheating because in both situations trust and communication was thrown away. No matter the rules: poly, open, mono; if you break them, you cheated.

@jupitersnoot4915

Жыл бұрын

How can it be possible to cheat on someone you're not committed to? People who date more than 1 person are not committed to anyone, and you've already agreed that sex with other people is fine, so how is it even possible for non-monogomous people to cheat? Cheating requires the breaking of a committed bond to a person. You're not committed to person A if you're also effing person B, C, D, E and F.

@sic996

Жыл бұрын

@@jupitersnoot4915 clearly you never talked with non monogamous people. You can cheat in a poly relationship. Also, I don't think his "yes" was actually a "yes". Dunno if you know, but "yes means yes" and "no is no" is bullshit and very reductive. Sometimes yes means no and no means yes. It's the beauty of coercion that can make a statement its complete opposite in meaning but not in form. It is very funny how complex human interaction can become.

@GirlyGeek42

Жыл бұрын

@Jupiter Snoot oh boy, where do I start? A) being in a committed relationship and being monogamous are 2 different things. Sex is not the only aspect of a relationship that makes it a commitment. I am and have been in a committed relationship with my husband for 10 years. I love him and will be with him as long as we both live. I am also in a committed relationship with my boyfriend (who my husband set me up with). Now let me be very clear here: if commitment = only sex with one person for YOU. THAT'S FINE. there's nothing wrong with that. But there is also a common misconception that people who have open relationships just "eff" around with whoever they want, which, more often than not, isn't the case. B) As mentioned in the video, a relationship is effectively an agreement between two people based on trust. To answer your question, the way you cheat in a non-monogomous relationship is that you violate that trust. Every healthy ployam relationship has rules and boundaries that all partners agree on and come up with together. Say one rule could be not sleeping with someone until your partner gets to meet them, too. If you ignore this rule and "eff around" with anyone you want, you are a cheater. And one of the worst kind because your partner trusted you with freedom, and then that trust was betrayed. C) It's fine if polyamory isn't for you. In fact, it's abusive in my opinion to pressure your partner into an open relationship. But to instantly judge others' relationships, "not real commitments" is very narrow-minded. Every relationship is different, and what works for some doesn't work for others.

I've never cheated but for six months my rapist had me convinced that I had and if I hadn't had a good therapist and a good husband helping me work through it, I would still be carrying around the guilt and pain of what happened, blaming myself for having been drugged and manipulated.

@tlahmed

Жыл бұрын

What a disgusting human being, I’m so glad you got away from them and are doing better. ❤️

9:41 “Once I was with my spouse I never looked at another man/woman.” “Really?!” THANK YOU! I’ve never seen any media that addresses attraction outside of a committed relationship nor any advice on how to deal with those feelings. “Just leave if you think you’re going to cheat” I don’t want to cheat! I want the feelings that lead to cheating to go away. Feeling ashamed doesn’t work.

@sandrols7

Жыл бұрын

I had a lot of the same with my ex. Not that I ever cheated, but I definitely felt an emotional connection with other people that made me attracted to them, interested in seeing if there would be more. My ex and I were in a monogamous relationship, so hence. And I was afraid that I was a bad partner for feeling this way and that I would overstep this boundary of not cheating if given the chance. This is not why we broke up, mind you. But now I am starting to date someone else who I have been chatting with for a long time. And we both acknowledged this is a thing about us both, so when we start our relationship we want to see to what extent polyamory would be possible for us. Because the truth is: I don't mind the thought of them being with someone else, if it brings them happiness. I trust that their affection for me won't dwindle because of it. What I am trying to say is, I don't think you should feel ashamed for feeling this way. Acknowledge your feelings, including to your partner, but also reassure them that you do not plan to do anything with it because you respect and appreciate their boundaries here. From there on out, you can open the conversation. I dare assure you, if your partner is a good and reasonable person, this will bring you a lot of relief. If they react poorly... well, it reveals something about them too. And then it's up to you how to respond to that.

@user-uh1ri4vb4y

Жыл бұрын

@@sandrols7 Thank you so much for this. Honestly, it feels like I can exhale now.

@sandrols7

Жыл бұрын

@@user-uh1ri4vb4y Then bless you and your own well being, for you are a valid person!

@user-nm5fg4ht3q

Жыл бұрын

The feelings that lead to cheating go away when 1. things that you lack from your partner in the relationship get fixed by the partner you're exclusive with AND/OR 2. when you fix issues that you have with yourself (your own insecurities, etc.) about the relationship you're in (because it's not necessarily your partners' fault that you have certain issues), but the key there is to be open about your issues and fix those things WITH your partner. That's when cheating will never even cross your mind. If you think about it, having thoughts about cheating is beneficial in some way, because then, if you really, truly think about it and ask yourself and want to stay with the person you're with, you'll find out what you can improve in the relationship and, if you both work on it, you'll get even closer to each other and the thoughts about cheating just go poof :)

@terintiaflavius3349

24 күн бұрын

Self control and discipline. Are you some sort of zombie who has no control? Get a grip.

For all the people in the comments who are cheated on... That sucks!! I feel for you.. I hope you are with somebody who's treating you better now or I hope that the person that cheated on you has drastically changed and are loving you now the way you deserve to be loved...

The one situation that didn't come up that I am curious to hear a take on is with regards to an abusive relationship. If a person is afraid to leave a relationship for their personal safety, because that cannot be done surreptitiously, but finds a place to get their own needs met that they feel they can cover up, I would still, by the definition of infidelity given in the video, say that the person has "cheated", but their reasoning feels excusable. That said, if a person is with a dangerous partner, I imagine there's extreme risk in them cheating, and for their own safety, I would think they shouldn't engage in it from a risk-assessment logical standpoint; however, the ethics and pathology of this situation put the cheater in a position where I feel they can hardly be considered the "bad person". There may be healthier and safer ways out of that kind of situation, but a person in survival mode can hardly be blamed for making rash decisions due to the physical effects that fear and panic have on the brain and its decision making capabilities.

@Trent_-jl8xt

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, I was thinking the same and about to comment something similar before I saw yours. This is what I think is the one exception where cheating is morally ok...definitely not safe but not deserving of any moral condemnation

@peytonsz3477

Жыл бұрын

I agree!! Also it's one of those situations where the person probably wants to leave but is unable...in that situation it kinda becomes a "well what do I do?" This comment in my opinion is the equivalent of someone threatening to hurt you unless you hurt someone else, not to the same extent but it makes me think of it.

@venicec3310

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like bs to me if your really in a abusive dangerous relationship the last thing you want to do is start cheating w someone else your just gonna endanger that other person too

@Falcon89

Жыл бұрын

@@venicec3310 It's obviously not smart, but do you understand how the prefrontal cortex responds to fear and stress? It shuts down. The thing in movies where people make incredibly dumb decisions in a horrifying situation? That actually happens. People lose the ability to make rational, informed, decisions in that type of situation. My point is not, "people are good-to-go, and should cheat if their partner is abusive." In fact, I said, categorically, that it was a horrible idea, but the question for this video is "Is it ever 'Okay' to Cheat", the context of which is whether it is always morally reprehensible. My assertion was that, while incredibly dangerous, it is, at most, only ethically grey, and quite possibly something that is justifiable from an ethical standpoint. Endangering the other person is a legitimate point that does make this a bit more grey, but what that other person knows? What if that other person initiates? Is denying that affection and opportunity the moral prerogative of the cheater, especially in a compromised mental state?

@venicec3310

Жыл бұрын

@@Falcon89 lol the mental gymnastics you have to do just to justify your cheating and selfishly endangering someone else’s life to think its okay, people hate being held accountable

I did, for years, because of unacknowledged, unaddressed, unresolved childhood C-PTSD. It was like that client of yours who could never get enough love from others. I'm not "fixed" now, I still have a lot of self-worth issues; but I can at least recognize patterns of behavior that affect others negatively. Therapy is so, so important.

@SS-rr7by

Жыл бұрын

Don't blame your infidelity and awful behavior on your childhood

@sirpepeofhousekek6741

Жыл бұрын

​@@SS-rr7by Exactly. What an awful person.

@yulebones

Жыл бұрын

@@SS-rr7by I know you're able to read, so I'm not going to take your bait. Have a good weekend.

@bobtheball5384

Жыл бұрын

​@@yulebones These people want to bitch about you being honest when there's a ton of cheaters who don't admit their own faults. Like jfc, good on you for acknowledging the harm you have caused, and good on you for trying to change. We shouldn't be discouraging people from fucking changing, especially when childhood does impact the way a person shapes themselves as an adult.

@rayray80234

Жыл бұрын

There's a difference b/n blaming your actions on your past vs recognizing the source of your unhealthy & harmful actions. Did you do crappy things? Yes. Did your unhealthy coping mechanisms hurt others? Yes. Did you realize that & take steps to get help so you could address your problems in healthy ways? Also yes. Being accountable & owning your mistakes is key to being better in the future. You can't undo the hurt, but you can keep from doing the same things again going forward. I wish you the best in your journey to being a healthier person

For me, If I had a behaviour I feel like I should "hide" from my partner that's cheating. And vice versa, if feels like it's better not to tell me because you're afraid of hurting my feelings then you've done something wrong my friends. I think it's important to stay open and say who you find attractive, if someone flirts with you and be able to talk and laught about it together

I was cheated on by my ex husband (he says what he did wasn´t cheating), he confessed his love to another person, but decided together with the other woman to not get physical while still with me. Felt like crap, he asked for the divorce a few months later (the occasion when he told me), we did 6 months of counseling, but while I was wanting to forgive and move one, he didn´t want to stay toguether, and up to this day he will say he did nothing wrong.

@Dairunt1

Жыл бұрын

Emotional cheating is a thing. And that was absolutely emotional cheating. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

@gmmartines7331

Жыл бұрын

Well, he DID do the right thing in divorcing you. However, the reason he's in the wrong is because he let a whole other relationship begin and then blossom while still with you. It doesn't matter that it never got physical. It doesn't make it any better. I'm sorry that happened to you.

@l.s.d.5863

Жыл бұрын

Sounds to me like he did the right thing. He didn't get physical, he told you the truth, and then he broke things off rather than do something behind your back. You say you wanted to forgive and move on, and that's fine for you, but it sounds a bit like maybe you think he owes it to you to do the same, to keep trying at your relationship rather than for him to be with the person he wants to be with. (And he did consent to go to counseling with you for six months, which obviously is an effort.) I understand it didn't feel good to be left for someone else, but these things happen, and it doesn't necessarily mean anyone did anything wrong.

@l.s.d.5863

Жыл бұрын

@@Dairunt1 I don't get how emotional cheating is a thing unless you mean specifically when someone is hiding an overt romantic relationship from a partner they know would have a problem with it. But if ¨emotional cheating¨ is purely that, *emotional,* it seems preposterous to me to morally judge people for nothing but their feelings. People don't choose to fall in love.

@ElaineWenzSaisse

Жыл бұрын

@@l.s.d.5863 he cheated. One thing is to feel, other is to confess to the other person. I wouldn't consider a crush cheating, but when he started to act upon it, he cheated. He didn't do the right thing because of that. He didn't make an effort. He only agreed to counseling so I wouldn't make a scene and make it easier to divorce me, it was manipulative, at no point he stopped talking to the other woman.

For me personally, cheating is an act of violence. I don't think I could ever date someone who cheated in the past. Trust is a huge thing for me in relationships and for someone to cheat means they don't trust me enough to talk about what problems we might be having that will lead them to cheat. My trust is broken and my sexual health is compromised. It is an incredibly selfish thing to do and it feels like you just do not care enough about the person you claim to love. And if they are cheating because they feel like they aren't good enough to be faithful in a relationship, then I really don't want to be with them at that point.

Some years ago, I had three different women who had "open marriages" tell me that they didn't mind if I slept with their husband. I declined, twice because I didn't fancy the fellow, and once because I fancied him very much, but didn't want to be the side dish.

I'm Asexual and I had a hard enough time getting close enough to my fiancé to call it a relationship. Cheating is really hard to imagine for me unless it's a "Me and Mrs. Jones " type situation.

I am so happy that you are willing to talk that there is different ideologies and explaining that in situations with polyamoury and other forms of nonmonogamy there is different parameters for cheating. Because I have been called a cheater (being poly) - but never once did I breech the agreements I have had with my partners. Thank you so much for the awareness and sharing it.

@MomoMensch

Жыл бұрын

samesiees :D i did have to learn to discuss the agreements very clearly because i did not intuitively understand monogamous people.

@WynneL

Жыл бұрын

@@MomoMensch Yeah, I had a discussion with a poly friend about this, and her mind just worked differently from mine, so we learned a lot.

I will never understand people who cheat. like clearly if you're thinking of looking elsewhere it's because you know you're not happy with your partner... and if you know that, why aren't you either breaking up with them or trying to fix it??? like even if you break up with someone and an hour later go hook up with someone else, it's still better than cheating on them. I just don't understand how anyone could be that selfish and hurt another person when it's so easily avoidable.

I was in a clearly defined monogamous marriage. My husband cheated on me and I was absolutely devastated. As we worked through the fallout he shared things that he hadn't previously in all our 15 years together (he'd practically been living a double life with the amount of things we never discussed) and though he never showed remorse for falling in love with someone else and having an affair, he did show remorse for hurting me because he did care for me a great deal. Unfortunately, our marriage did not survive in the end, but I'm not angry with him (I was at first, but that was the hurt speaking). I have since found peace. Even when the hurt sneaks up and wants to visit, I work through that with the tools my amazing counselor gave me (you remind me of them John!) and can still consider my ex husband family. I put in a huge amount of effort to get to where I am today and am grateful that joy and love are still a part of my every day life when there was a brief time when I didn't think that would be possible! I make every effort not to judge cheaters for their choices (something I learned while trying not to judge my ex - which got easier the more I learned about him and how we ended up where we did). Instead I try to support and share the healing tools I have now with those that have been hurt by it. Understanding (the compassionate kind, not the knowledge kind) is, I believe, the ultimate key to healing. I dont have to agree with their mindset, I just have to accept that they live there in that world and I don't and try to show compassion.

@sarahporter3840

Жыл бұрын

That is a very admirable mindset. That sounds so painful, but I'm glad that you found peace.

@swatisaini6447

Жыл бұрын

15 years? Dam That's a lot of time

1:35. A friend with a PhD on an emphasis on domestic abuse once asked me if I'm an abuser. I answered "Gee, I hope not." She responded, "right answer." What she told me is people who abuse or more likely to abuse will give say a straight "No" for an answer. Her reason is people who are more likely aware they can abuse are less likely to do it, cuz they keep themselves on check, as oppose to someone who wont acknowledge they can do something bad. I bet that reason can be applied to many areas, like infidelity.

My husband cheated after his best friend died, and due to an abusive childhood lacked the emotional intelligence to process his friend's death in a healthy way. I only stayed because of his obvious regret, and of course his willingness to go to therapy. Did it irrevocably destroy me? Oh hell yeah. I will never be the same, and I will never fully trust anyone again despite my own years spent in therapy. Hubs also needed to accept that my love for him will never be the same as it was before the infidelity. The cheating happened 4.5 years ago now. It still hurts. Some days I wake up angry, some days a certain song or that stupid HBOMax ad about the cheating show (love and death?) will come on and ruin my day...but most days are good, and on some good days I dont even think about it.

@tulip1617

10 ай бұрын

A hard question to answer, but may I ask how you were able to move forward with him? I am kind of going through something similiar right now although my partner never got physical (it was flirting and sexy pics with an online friend), and I am struggling a lot since although he is remorseful and willing to go to therapy or do anything I might ask of him, my trust is still destroyed. Anything he does (including stuff I ask of him) just makes me so angry. At the same time I had never been happier with another human being before I found out. How does one even go about forgiving a cheating partner and rebuilding trust?

@VioletRaze

10 ай бұрын

@@tulip1617 It's a bit funny that you'd respond today, on the anniversary of when I found out about the betrayal. So, the biggest thing that allowed me to move forward with him was his response to me finding out. He didn't lie, he didn't trickle truth, and he didn't make excuses. He told me everything I wanted to know, and accepted my demands without complaint. I demanded he cut off not only his AP (affair partner), but also anyone even remotely connected to her. He blocked a few good friends, and even family members of his dead friend that day, so I knew his commitment to working through this was legitimate. I also wanted full access to his phone, emails, and social media. He gave me his passwords immediately and without complaint (I stopped checking after a year or so). He also found a therapist that same day. Through therapy he figured out his "whys". Why was he capable of betray me? Why didn't he stop himself? Why didn't he consider the pain he would be causing me? Those questions are important, but it's equally important that he never once used his "reasons" for cheating as an excuse. Knowing the reason for cheating is important as a tool to ensure the betrayal never happens again. Sometimes, yeah, "once a cheater always a cheater" is true. People can be shitty. Other times, good people are hurting, and it makes them hurt other people. Only you know which type of person your partner is. Having been with mine for six years before the betrayal, I knew he wasn't a shitty person, just a good, broken man who did a shitty thing. You're going to be mad, you're going to be sad, and if he puts in the work and becomes a better man, you will not believe how hard the resentment hits. Like, dude, why tf did it take you emotionally destroying me to get friggin' help?? Why are you this amazing man only AFTER shattering me? You're going to think that by staying he "got away with it". He cheated, and not only did you stay, but he became better afterwards. Understand that he didn't get away with it. If he's a good partner, he's going to live with regret the rest of his life, which is a pain that, at least for me, I could never understand. Uhh, this turned into something way longer than I intended. Basically I was able to move forward with him by granting him more grace than he deserved at the time, because I knew he was a man who did deserve the grace overall. I think that makes sense anyway. Plus, he's my bestie. Love that dude. Makes me tea in the morning and gives me head pets while we watch tv in the evening. Also, he doesn't really get Animal Crossing, but y'all know he's caught up on all the juicy "drama" that's going on on my island. He knows I got beef with Cherry after she "gifted" me a paper bag to put over my head.

Communication is key. When you have a partner, talk to them about what you consider cheating. When one of you might cheat, talk to them so you can do something about it

He would say I cheated and some in society would say I cheated, but, to me, the relationship was over. He went to jail for putting hands on me, I moved out, filed for child support, did everything to show we were not together. But, technically cheating since still married. I don't feel bad about the next guy because it was cheating, but just because I was in no place to be in a new relationship. (yes, the next guy was abusive as well.)

I know a case where there was domestic abuse and the person couldn't get the other person to break up with them because they wouldn't allow them to leave. The only way they could get away was to cheat so their partner would finally let them go. BTW, I'm not giving particular details, but yes, someone I knew personally. And yes, I'm anonymizing them for their own safety.

I'm very curious what statistics are out there on different factors in cheating such as how happy they were in their relationship, premeditated vs spur of the moment, if they ever cheated again, if they'd ever previously been cheated on, etc.

I'm really amazed by you understanding and non-judgement of people who cheated! I don't think I would be able to find it in me to forgive someone who cheated

As for the "sexual cuddling" section of the video, I think that was meant to differentiate from platonic cuddling, which is cuddling but no sexual or romantic intentions behind it.

@katiesnider1310

Жыл бұрын

Yeah. I used to be very much into cuddling in my early 20s, and like, my friends and I would pile into couches or onto beds to watch movies, sigh about life, or nap. It was just how we expressed our friendship. There's a difference cuddling someone and feeling that spark of excitement and tension vs. feeling like you're just safe and loved in a platonic way.

@yb9964

Жыл бұрын

I got dry humping from that lol

I always tell people that its so important to have the conversation on what you see as cheating with your partner. People have so many views on what cheating is, its not just sex with someone else for most.

This video was an entertaining light touch on these topics, it hit the high points on topics around cheating. I would love to see a deeper dive on situations that can arise in relationships that lead to cheating, how to recognize that you might be in the "danger zone," and a couple ways to put yourself on a different path well BEFORE the betrayal happens. Cheating is an all too common problem that leaves a lot of heartache in its wake for everyone involved, and I would love to see y'all's compassionate approach in a deeper discussion on this!!❤

@sarahlandis289

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, like sexual addictions can lead to cheating, not necessarily because of spouses having problems with each other.

I am so glad that you mention polyamorous relationships! 100% polyamory only works if you set your boundries and communicate often. Trust and comfort is crucial.

i LOVE your channel, i feel so safe here ❤

"Who cuddles naked and then doesn't have sex?" Some asexuals, for example. Or people who need the closeness of naked cuddling, but have reasons for not wanting/needing more

Loving this channel so , so much💓

This video shone some light to me, now if I was ever with someone that cheated I would leave but this video helped me see it from the cheaters pov

I don’t know if it counts as cheating, but my husband and I are attempting to work through what was dishonesty. He never actually slept with anyone else, but had created multiple profiles on dating apps and was trying to get a distant cousin of mine to hit him up when she was in town. I kicked him out and we’ve been separated for 2 months. I still don’t know if I even want to work it out or not. 15 years and 4 kids is a lot of history and love. I just can’t get everything out of my head and start to trust him again. The thought of intimacy or romance with him just fills me with anger and loathing instead of joy. I don’t want to feel this way about him, but I honestly don’t know how to move towards forgiveness right now. But, part of why I’m struggling with it so much is because I put my education and career on hold so he could establish his. He blamed his behavior on me going back to college and not giving him enough attention when I was in nursing school.

@MarthadelPilarMoreno

Жыл бұрын

You can forgive, but most likely the trust is already lost. perhaps parting ways would be the best to heal.

@corneliahanimann2173

Жыл бұрын

I'll be very honest with you, it is not technical cheating, but it is a break of trust nontheless, and that is really at the core of what makes cheating so horrible. My cousin recently shared how she has been in a relationship for about 20 years with the same man sicne she was 25, because we asked her how that works, because they both travelled, they both have eben so commited, but we assume there must have been periods where they had an open relationship, and what it would take for her to end the relationship. Her response was this: "I would end the relationship, if I had to realize that the relationship we have is a lie" That sentence connected several dots in my head, and I really hope it does for you too. She said she could work through an accident or a mistake, but if the situation was that she might have had to realize that he had been having a second family or just generally lived a life he was hiding from her, she would end it. It really comes down to this for me; this guy hid his dating app behaviour from you, and the question is why he was hiding it. I think he was hiding it because he thought you'd be upset. Why would you be upset? I think it is maybe a question you'd have to ask yourself but also wonder why he chose to do things he knew you'd be upset about. This is not how you respect a partner, by hiding what would otherwise piss them off. In that sense, you two are simply not partners. If you were, he would have approached you the moment he started thinking about it and tried to find a solution with you and decided together if you actually still fit and want the same things from this relationship, but he didn't, he solved his problem for himself and you're simply not part of it, it is that "other life, where the life you share is a lie" thing. And from what it sounds like, in the way you describe your struggle, your attempt to work through this, is that this guy is gaslighting you to think you're at fault for him not sharing how he feels and you shouldn't be upset because he didn't actually sleep with another person so you have no reason to be mad at him. Has he actually apologised to you and shown remorse for his actions? Has he actually apologised for what he has done wrong and for hurting you rather than implying that the problem is how you feel? I just worried because the way you write is very defeated and not validated whatsoever. Your feelings are real, you are entitled to feel them and you are deserving of comfort and security. Please listen to your heart. I can hear it, and I'm not sure if you're hearing it at all!

@walkingwith_dinosaurs

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I hope you will find peace and have again, I'll remember you in my prayers

@mandlerparr1

Жыл бұрын

Unless he gets some serious help and works on himself, he will cheat. He can't even take ownership of his behavior. If his apology always comes with a "but" then he actually is not sorry. I think that men like this want out of their marriage, but are too cowardly to pull the trigger themselves. They need to put on a show of working on the marriage, but that is all it is. As long as your are trying to progress in your life, he will not be happy. It won't matter how much love and affection you give him. And frankly, I don't believe that he started when you went back to school.

@deepalil1085

Жыл бұрын

He had intention of cheating on you but he didn't get a chance or you didn't catch him. I think you should save money and kick him out. How many years will you think he must be cheating whenever he is busy or emotionally off or really cheating?

I am in the camp of 'once a cheater always a cheater'. Sort of. If I get cheated on by my partner, the relationship is over. Not because I 'know' he would or could do it again, but because I feel like I will not be able to trust him again. Since trust is important to me, a vital part of the relationship is gone, and because of that, the relationship is over. Luckily, my partner agrees with this perspective.

@marrieabba3607

Жыл бұрын

I'm not justifying anything, but what if someone cheated in a relationship but doesn't cheat in the next one, would that person still be in the camp of "once a cheat, always a cheat."?

I've never cheated before, but I've come close. I was groomed at 21 by someone much older than me while I was dating someone. (Neither person is part of my life, and I'm glad for that.) I later considered it in my marriage. My ex-spouse was emotionally, psychologically, and verbally abusive, and between a toxic home environment and a stressful food service job, the only place I was allowed to feel anything at all was in therapy. In the end, I talked to my ex (through many tears) about my growing sexual frustration and never acted on the impulse. Looking back now, I see where I made mistakes, and I'm still glad that nothing ever actually happened. I felt neglected and unloved in both of those relationships, and I started seeking attention elsewhere. If I have a good monogamous partner, I don't go after anyone else.

it’s never ok to cheat and i would leave my partner the first one they did it no matter how deep into the relationship we were x

10:19 my boyfriend & I regularly cuddle naked without having sex. It's just about intimacy & feeling their skin on yours

@sarahstardust

Жыл бұрын

My husband and I do too. I'm seriously ill so sex hasn't been an option in years, but naked cuddling is wonderful.

I’ve always thought cheaters are all bad, they’ll be bad forever, they don’t feel remorse or regret and all that, but this helped open a lot of things for me! I learned a lot thank you

I cheated only once in a weird way when I was in the 6th grade lol - but it's been eating at my soul ever since. I've been with my high school sweetheart for 7 years now, and I've never cheated, she's never cheated (at least as far as I'm aware), but we've both talked about this topic, and it's something we both said we couldn't fathom - It's something that would eat away at our conscious. Just break up if you're unhappy or uncontent; better to break someone's heart over a break-up than a betrayal.

Sexual cuddling? I think it's cuddling (clothes on!) but getting touchy-feely in a way that almost feels like foreplay, when arousal kicks in and something cozy becomes hot. Why should 'sexual' be limited to 'naked'?

@rachelsarmientotack

Жыл бұрын

Yeah. That's what I imagine, too. Touching and holding each other. Playing, joking, giggling. Getting turned on, but not officially having sex. It's still intimate. Sexual. Something that shouldn't be going on outside of someone's pre-established monogamous relationship even though it doesn't go as far as it could.

2:20 "I'm not judging, I'm just trying to understand" lmao what a great line. I'm gonna use this from now on

Cheating is generally awful because it is a rejection of trust and betrayal of intimacy. Even in a polyamorous relationship, sleeping with someone without telling your partner is just telling them you don't trust or care enough to let them know.

A little reminder about selection bias :P Ppl who cheat and don't feel awful about it are rather unlikely to go to therapy, I'd say!

Thank you for the video. I've been on both sides and now I refuse to enter a relationship until I'm certain I'm ready for one. It's a long and lonely process but this way I avoid hurting someone else and/or being hurt by someone.

The little giggle after “they don’t deserve my compassion” 😂

Idk why people cheat who are in a healthy relationship. If you don’t like that person just end the relationship

I've cheated before and believe certain people are more "wired" to cheat than others. Cheating is always a choice, but I think that wiring impacts your thought processes leading up to it. Cheating can be a very lonely experience, especially if you are in a pseudo-relationship with the other person and it ends. What makes it worse is that seeking help for cheating is difficult because a lot of people equate empathy with condonation. There's always a why, and it's usually much sadder than you think.

@randomusername3873

Жыл бұрын

Enjoying causing hurt to others you pretend to love shouldn't be met with emphaty

@fariatasnim973

Жыл бұрын

Meh it was your choice. Deal with the consequences 🤷 And if there was a reason, you could've discussed it with your partner and if it didn't work out, just leave.

@Lili-ey1nd

Жыл бұрын

What wiring , don’t make shit up and actually define what is wrong with you which is that you didn’t receive adequate love as a child or you are on the aspd spectrum making your emotional intelligence very low

@ThePooper3000

8 ай бұрын

I feel you on the pseudo-relationship that ends up not working part; infidelity ain't the best foundation for a new relationship.

Cheating is abuse. And gets downplayed way too much for what it is. Its both physically dangerous when kept secret and sleeping with them after. And severely mentally traumatizing. So much of our society needs intense help working on themselves, and undoing morals or lack their of passed to them from parents. And to start building empathy tools they lack. Much harder in adulthood, but maybe they can at a minimum make their kids better people who will be less likely to harm other’s selfishly.

this was so good... helped

Ever since someone in my family pointed out that you and Alicia (sorryif I'm misspelling her name) say "right" after your statements I can't not notice it every time. Example, "it doesn't make you a bad person... right, so" etc. "We all do this, right, and so" etc I think it's adorable. Don't know which one of you had the habit but it's cute that the other picked it up.

@depaula1710

Жыл бұрын

Alan does it too on their other channel where they discuss movies together 😊

A friend of mine is also very self aware now, he wasn’t always. When we were teenagers, he knew that he had issues due his father being a serial cheat. He cheated on his first two partners, he really thought he wouldn’t cheat on the third and did anyway. He did feel a lot of guilt. Fast forward to present day and he’s single due to having cheated in every relationship. He realised he would always cheat, due to craving validation from partners and approval from his father. He’s in therapy now and staying single until he feels fully healed.

I once cheated on my highschool boyfriend. He tore my self esteem down for over a year, let his friends treat me like crap and got increasingly more neglectful and meaner. (Everything I did wasn't enough, my body and face were full of flaws, etc.) So I fell for a highly manipulative person love bombing me. I let him kiss me once, broke it off and directly told my then boyfriend. I felt SO awful and would never do it again. That was 10 years ago. A bit later we broke up and I got with the other guy - kind of out of guilt - that heavily abused me for 6 years, constant cheating included. That stuff really broke me. But I got out and did a lot of therapy. So yeah. Experience on both sides, both awful, would not recommend lol.

@venicec3310

Жыл бұрын

Lol brought that on yourself

@yazzie208

Жыл бұрын

@@venicec3310 Beautiful victim blaming. Disgusting :)

I remember I was talking to a guy at work, and somehow cheating came up. This dude mentions that he has apparently cheated in almost every single relationship hes ever been in, costing him 2 marriages and many smaller relationships, AND THEN TRIED TO BLAME THE PARTNERS, stating they "couldn't keep up" or similar reasons. I mentioned that maybe he should try and form a non-monogamous relationship, since thats basically what hes doing already just without his partners knowing, but apparently he didn't want his wife/GF to "sleep around." The mind truly boggles. In another fun adventure, I knew a group of 4 bi people, paired into 2 relationships, who were really close. Well, one day those relationships basically exploded in a nuclear fireball, with massive tirades on social media and even the police called a few times. Turns out, they had all been cheating with the opposite partners, including one person in each relationship who were cheating with both people in the other relationship, meaning they were sleeping with all 3 other people in this mess. I guess one person discovered another relationship, and then the entire house of cards collapsed. It was bad enough that I had to create a chart so I could make keep track of who was sleeping with who. To be clear, I know plenty of loyal bi people as well, I don't want this story to feed into the "bisexual people aren't loyal" myth, but boy, when bi people get involved in a cheating scandal, things can get complicated fast!

Truthfully grounded Replace “cheating” with “lying 🤥 “ Communication #haiku #wisdom #experience #communication

My father cheated on my mom, he never felt remorseful for it and he is still with that other woman to this day. My parents are not divorce because of our chinese culture that divorce is a taboo. My father felt entitled to cheating, he always said "I raised this family, i give you financial luxury and freedom to spend whatever you want and you think you have the right to scold me??!?!?!?!" He told me personally that he and that other woman was "destined to be together and that SHE was his destined person." What about my mom? What does that make her? I partially blame this on the chinese concunbine culture. Speaking of concubines, If you do not mind, i would like you to watch Ruyi's royal love in the palace and talk about the characters' relationships.

Could you do a cinema therapy about the book/movie A Man Called Otto? I just think it’s a good exploration of the trauma of loss and the effect of loneliness on a person.

"sexual coddling" is foreplay without kissing and no sex.. We've all done it.. That's just the first time I've ever heard it described that way.

I recently got broken up with bc my ex said that he had been propositioned to by strangers and he thought about saying yes. To me it felt like the conversation we were supposed to have happened one sided. I was told we had to break up. He spared me the cheating. I love and respect him so separated. I want to move on but I still feel like I wanted to have that conversation.

My ex was a serial cheater. It crushed my confidence and even now 15 years later there are still times in my current (very healthy and happy) marriage where those insecurities rear up. Thankfully my current husband is a very patient and understanding person and we can work through it together.

10:00 Yeah, I really like Luther's take on that - “You cannot keep birds from flying over your head but you can keep them from building a nest in your hair”; so true

I have never cheated, I grew up with parents that cheated on each other with and got married and seen how damaging and insecure they were because they got married as cheaters. I also was basically accused of cheating when I broke up with my ex of 6 years because he became controlling and emotionally abusive, went to have a kind of one night stand a few weeks later, turned into a rebound to catching feelings. I was not made for one night stands obviously but because it was just a month later and I had basically stopped talking to most of my high school friend group to avoid drama since they were more his friends then mine, they assumed I was cheating and didn’t even wanna hear my side. I knew tho that if I broke up with my ex more then likely I’d lose all of my high school friends even if it ended in the best possible scenario.

@Lili-ey1nd

Жыл бұрын

THEY were putting thoughts in his head they are sabotaging him

“ And I’ve been arrested… shit” 😂

My grandmother was cheated on by my grandpa about 35 years ago… he is dead and buried… she still hasn’t fully healed and let it go. I don’t know how to help her. She goes back and forth between hating men (and she has 5 sons) to saying she is an idiot to trying to forgive him… sometimes all in the same day. It’s challenging to know how to support her sometimes.

From things I’ve seen/read - people cheat to explore different parts of themselves and to seek novelty. I think we can add to feel safe/loved , which can be under the different sides of themselves since its the side that feels that support and also to escape their reality aka novelty. But let’s be clear - someone who abuses you, puts you down, controls you and/or your life - and you seek connection outside of that while you work on getting to safety and getting out, that should not be cheating or hurting your partner. Dont feel bad for hurting them when they are actively hurting you. You gotta get out and be safe. The one thing is, you should reflect and be honest with the other person on your situation and that you are seeking escape from your relationship. Using that other person to get out when they don’t know they are the scapegoat or lead to believe that they are end-game when they aren’t, that’s hurtful and those actions are your responsibility. Be careful to not jump from the pan to the fire (into another abusive relationship). You need to seek help outside of this person and get professional help.

I don't know if it counts as cheating, but I suppose it could, but I think you could count it as emotionally cheating. Technically we were/are dating, not in a relationship, but we had established monogamy/exclusivity. His ex told him she still has feelings for him and he thinks he still has feelings for her but also has feelings for me. The thing that bothers me most is him keeping it quiet for a couple of weeks. I understand to some extent what he is going through. There is a history and it's easy and familiar. You'd only think of the good times I presume, at least at first. I'd never go back to any of my exes, they're exes for a reason, but I'd have to regain my composure if one told me. I just want to say, don't keep secrets. If he told me straight away what was going on, I would have thought it sucked, given him space to think about it and live with whatever he decides. Now I feel betrayed and if he chooses me he needs to rebuild a lot of trust I lost because he kept it a secret. Don't keep secrets. No one benefits from withholding the truth. It eats at you and if you're on the receiving end trust is seriously damaged.

True, cheating is definitely something anyone can do. So much of my family has cheated, my dad cheated so many times on my mom and my mom went through so much crap with him. It affected my older siblings so much that they started doing it themselves, my brother got it worse because he actually got cheated on and it hurt him so much he went through a whole dark era in his life with drinking and drugs and started cheating himself. I told my husband that cheating IS a deal breaker for me because I refuse to go through what my family went through and if he ever feels the urge to cheat or anything then I want to talk about it or just end the marriage, I do not wish to continue the cycle and then to our daughter. He has gotten cheated on and did revenge cheating and hated every second of it, he trusts that I won’t cheat I just hope he will not feel the urge to cheat in general I guess …

Just reading the title of this the video, I said no! What in the world would people think they'd be ever OK to cheat on somebody? My mind is blown what...? 🤔🤯🤯🤯🤯

I cheated and I don't feel bad about it. My ex made me feel trapped, that I'd never be able to make money, that I was worthless, that I would ruin the kids lives. I didn't believe that I could make it on my own or that anyone would want me. We tried marriage consoling several times. I tried to discuss what made me unhappy many times. He always turned it around on me. That person convinced me that I could do it an I was worth it.

Cheating imo is the worst thing you can do to someone. I appreciate everyone who owned up to it in the Cut video. Admitting your faults is the first step towards healing

@Narra0002

4 ай бұрын

Fun fact: the guy that said, “They thought it was monogamous” has 1,500+ lovers 😂

I used to be a person that said I would NEVER cheat. I proved myself wrong. Very long story short, I was in an unhealthy relationship. I tried to confront my partner with our issues and fix them to no avail. I wanted them to be my forever for the wrong reasons. I didn't want to be alone. I wanted someone who I thought would never leave me the way other people had. There were genuine reasons we loved each other, but it wasn't a genuine relationship. I subconsciously forced myself to stay and deeply denied that I wanted to leave. It was a mistake, and I felt immense guilty and stress through it. I'm not proud of it, but I no longer shame myself for it. It made me face myself. It made me realize how badly I can hurt people, and how I can hurt myself in nuanced ways. Because of my cheating, I am more emotionally intelligent, authentic, self-aware, and self-accountable. There are other ways I could've gotten to this happier and healthier version of myself, but it was a pivotal lesson towards the person I am today - which is someone I am very proud of. I would never want to cause that hurt and disrespect to my loved ones, especially my partner now. More often than not, it takes big mistakes and big shake-ups to grow as a person. Unfortunately, you might be the cause of those mistakes and traumas. I chose to do better.

“end of video” lmaoo

i think "let's not gender this" is one of my favourite things someone has ever said as a reaction.

1:03 I think the definition lies when a person who cheated realizes chateing is an awful thing to do to their partner and really wants to make up the damage and never do that again AND a person who's okay with it and feels no remorse. The last are definitely just bad people

Finding someone attractive and being attracted to them are two completely different things.

@Brandon-tz5pn

3 күн бұрын

Truth

Hubby of 20 yr cheated at 40 claiming he thought I was dying. I wasn't just my MS was at an up tick. I called BS. 2 yrs later i still haven't recovered

Sadly I have cheated..too many times. I was in a really toxic relationship and he was living with me, I felt like I needed to feel loved by someone, but I also couldn’t leave. And I’ve also been cheated on. The last time I got cheated on is what made me realize it’s never ok.

Diary of a cheater: First time I ever cheated.... I was no contact with my own family. So his family was like my substitute family. I had lost contact with my friends from high school and was struggling to make friends of my own in college.... so, his friends were like my substitute friends. We were even living together with two of his closest friends. But when it came to any tangible emotional support. I had none. He or his friends always had some huge drama that always out weighed mine. Always more worthy of attention than me. I was just always expected to sit quietly in the corner and wait my turn. A turn that would never come. I was alone. And sure as hell didn't have the confidence that if I were to leave, anyone would care. But.. then I wouldn't even have as little as I did. And where would I live? So, I reached out to an old friend from high school. A last ditch effort to connect to something that was my own. Someone who actually cared about who I am and what I was going through. And he cared. He listened. He comforted. He brought me into his friend group and they all thought I was awesome and funny and smart. It felt so good. It felt like I could breath for the firt time in a long time. Rather than keeping everything strictly platonic. Strictly above board. Strictly hold to moral goodness. And I definitely could have. I chose to hold onto this new leaf with everything I had. And true to form as someone with very little self-esteem, I didn't feel like I had all that much to offer apart from sex. It's the holy grail that most young men spend most of their time and energy trying to aquire, right? So, thats what I did. It didn't take long before I gained the confidence and plan to extract myself from my prior relationship and my prior living arrangements in the most respectful way I could after already betraying them...... I found a way to pay my part of the last 4 months of rent for the year and secured a couch to crash on until I could reallocate that rent to a new place of my own. I talked with him alone to let him know that I couldn't continue with the relationship. That although his friends and family were great people. They were his. Not mine. I was isolated and lonely for so long that I had completely lost my sense of self. And, now, I had to work on building that back up if I was to have a shot at being genuinely happy in the foreseeable future. That if he couldn't understand what I was trying to convey... he could just watch how they all bad mouth me the moment he tells them I'm gone. How they comfort him and not once reach out with a compassionate word in my direction. Maybe then, he'd understand. Maybe then he might see that we never really invested that level of connection with eachother that he did with his friends either. Maybe he could grow some compassion for what a life without any of that would feel like. It wasn't his fault that I struggled with connection. That I lacked a support system at the time. He could have made an effort to be there for me, but I wasn't owed that. We just weren't each other's partner. And it had to end. I just didn't have the strength to do so until after I had already fostered that much needed support system outside of the relationship. Until after I had already become a cheater.

@lioba628

Жыл бұрын

I hope you are in a better place now.

@rachelsarmientotack

Жыл бұрын

@Lioba Oh yes. That was around 10 years ago. There's obviously been ups and downs, but I've learned a lot about myself and how to conduct healthy relationships since then. Committed to my husband. (Who happens to be the high school friend in this story 😂 we just didn't get to building trust and commitment until years after. And even after that, we had a 4 year journey to go through together before we married. We were only friends who were attracted to each other but were not emotionally ready for a real relationship at that point. Lots of growing to be done, then. We probably could have chosen to grow up together. But I think it's better this way. We didn't drag each other through our mess.)

I would argue that it is only in A. step 1 in leaving a abusive relationship or B. you are married but only in legal terms.

I was apart of a volunteer group and a guy there asked me if I wanted to go to a yoga class with him. I had a BF at the time but I was so excited to find out about this yoga class I said yes. Then later that day I realized that the guy was into me and I felt SOOO guilty for saying yes. Didn't end up going and it made it super awkward everytime I saw that guy after because he ment it as a date and I said yes and then turned him down... It did kinda help me realize though that my bf at the time wasn't very good at taking me out on date's and not so much for that but other reasons I broke up with him.

my longest relationship (almost 5 years) ended due to them cheating on me when i was out of town visiting family. they told me as soon as i got back but wound up changing the story shortly after to make them seem like they weren't at fault. this was after a long history of them discreetly hitting on other people and exchanging erotic material behind my back while lying when confronted. the fact that they could never fully own up to their behavior was what really hurt the most. i think i could have dealt with it if they were fully transparent about what they were doing, and i always told them that i would be willing to work through anything, but they just couldn't do it. we're actually still friends after several years separated, but i know that a lot of these issues they haven't worked through and it still feels like i've been just as much of a toy for their ego as i have been a friend.

I’ve been cheated on and cheated in my 9 year relationship. For him he was young and didn’t know what he wanted, for me I felt trapped and like he never heard me. In the end I wouldn’t change anything because we made it out STRONGER. We are so so in love and the happiest we’ve ever been ❤

I'm just trying to heal and care for our kids while he is with the girl he cheated and left us for. This shit is hard

Fighting fire with fire always has been and always will be a valid tactic. Retaliation DOES NOT carry the same moral weight as Initiation.

Love the videos! Idk if you read these, but you should make a video on what to do if you’re uncomfortable with how many people your partner was with in the past.

@kiraselene45

Жыл бұрын

Lmao ew

@rayray80234

Жыл бұрын

I'd say go to therapy to sort out why it makes you uncomfortable. Is it an insecurity thing due to having less experience? Do you have moral beliefs that make you see them as "bad" immoral ppl? Is it retroactive jealousy, meaning jealous of things/ppl that happened before yall were together? Regardless of what it is, recognize it as your issue, don't make it your partner's issue, & get help for it so it doesn't destroy the relationship ❤

@lavinder11

Жыл бұрын

Most people will suggest there's something wrong with you like the two enlightened ones beneath you did.

i am more likely to not cheat now but that’s because i can be honest with myself (im not perfect at it but i dont think people can be. the key is that im trying to grow that open and honest part of myself every day). its way easier to be honest with other people when you can be honest w/yourself.

I've been cheated on twice. the second guy was just a traumatized man with a crying child inside of him, wanting to be acknowledged by his adult self. and i wish i had treated him with more kindness about the cheating, although i had the right to be as upset as i was. i was just so tired of being betrayed by people i thought cared about me and got so so angry (not just cheating, i had a lot of fake friends growing up). as you said, cheating is human (to an extent) and even though i don't think i could ever do it, other people are not always so fortunate and aren't always in the best place mentally. i hope those people who feel bad about it figure out how to grow and live happier than before. that's what I'd want to happen for my ex. i hope he gets sober, finds confidence and loves himself someday. if we do meet again, i hope to see him looking happier and healthier than when we last saw each other

@KillianSorrel

Жыл бұрын

also you said "who cuddles naked and doesn't have sex?" my bf and i do 💀 his main love language is physical touch and we like cuddling naked while watching bluey. 10/10 would recommend

I do know a couple where the guy cheated and the other woman actually even had the baby. But they worked on it she forgave him from her heart and they are still married. She seems to be genuinely happy in the relationship too, They still love each other. It seems unusual but at least in their case they were able to maintain the marriage...

@hwoods-kg1jf

Жыл бұрын

It's one thing to cheat but to bring a baby into this world because of it?! That would definitely be a HUGE deal breaker for me! There is NO coming back from that for me but that's just me!

@VizAnyaMSC

Жыл бұрын

When my (now ex, but not then) boyfriend went to Iraq, I told him he wouldn't be held accountable for anything he did there. He was going to be far away, in a stressful situation that I would probably never understand. But, if he brought home a baby, he needed to bring the mom with him. Second wife was going to have to cook and clean and help out. We didn't talk about if anything happened during his time there. It wasn't any of my business, and no babies came home. Lol

@kamillaazim4862

Жыл бұрын

@@VizAnyaMSC was he in the army?

@VizAnyaMSC

Жыл бұрын

@@kamillaazim4862 Marines.

While on my semester abroad, colleagues from the restaurant I worked at on the side told me my then bf who also worked there cheated on me with another colleague. I confronted him about it, he denied, I believed him. When home for Christmas I ended things anyway because for me the relationship just wasn‘t working out anymore, leading him to threaten me via text message months after I broke up with him. Thankfully after reporting him to the police nothing more happened. Found out years later that he did in fact cheat on me and is now still with the person. I did feel shitty because I believed him. But also it didn‘t affect me too much because I ended things on my own terms. Plus his threatening message overshadowed it. Thankfully, it did not lead to trust issues or fear of letting anyone come close to me and I‘m happily engaged now

Soooooo.... I was in an emotionally abusive marriage. I had nowhere else to go and excused his behavior by blaming the influence of his family. During the beginning of the end (after he had already cheated on me numerous times, and I kept trying to work it out), I started talking to my first kiss from high school. At the time he lived across the country. He flattered me, and made me feel special. And then I realized I was emotionally cheating, and that dude was actually just another creep. I was able to break that off. Not long after, I discovered he was cheating yet again, in spite of everything, so I broke it off. We had two kids and were still married. Two weeks later I slept with my coworker who I had a crush. It wasn't planned, and I'm not the type to pursue anything. I feel like that was half cheating even though I told my *husband* we were over and made it clear I wanted nothing more. While it was *wrong* it helped me realize I don't emotionally need him. I CAN live without him. I never took my ex back after that. It broke that last few strands of attachment I had to him and helped me move on.