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My jaw dropped when I realized the last girl was over 2 HOURS late. I think her friend was probably on the money in that last text and giving her some needed insight if the girl didn’t even think about truly, emphatically apologizing after ditching her friend for 2 hours. A delay like that is something you text about BEFORE you meet with the recruiter, not just a flippant “hey sorry I’m late”.

@Cyrra

Жыл бұрын

Right? She still didn't get why it was an issue that she was that late and only sees her point of view. If she would've said: You're right, I should've been more clear about my interview and that I would be this much later instead of just 5 minutes late. I was still looking forward to seeing you, so hopefully we can reschedule to a time that works better for us both... or something like that.. miscommunication and hurt feelings happen, but you can solve it with most people with better communication and a mix of taking accountability and setting boundaries.

my aunt and uncle are both deaf so txt is their preferred means of communication with people who do not know ASL... so literally they will stand right infront of someone and type out the conversations back and forth so they get the facial expressions and some of the feedback of how things are taken or intended. it works very well for them.

@voyance4elle

2 жыл бұрын

that's a cool perspective! Thanks for sharing that :)

I think it's because when he liked the old comment it popped back up on her timeliness. In other words, he revived something that was essentially dead.

I like texting because it makes me slow down and sort out my thoughts better. In person especially, I tend to get overwhelmed and cry so its hard to communicate. I love talking in person too, but I think these days lots of people find being vulnerable easier over text. Ill say though not everyone finds texting as a way to slow down and organize thoughts tho, so it depends on how both people like to communicate

@jacquelynrucker9788

2 жыл бұрын

Same. I slow down, I feel like I have better objectivity. Also I can better focus on the content and not get sidetracked by the delivery. But I've had a few relationships go sour because he hated texting, and wanted anything meaningful to be said live. I dont know how many times I've needed the buffer or delay built into texting. I'm calmer, I communicate my position better. And I can pull my punches or see how I'm phrasing things that way

@nataliedickens1289

Жыл бұрын

I also prefer to text because I have very disorganized thoughts and I can never say what I really mean in person. It feels much safer to say it in a text where I know I won’t be cut off, interrupted, or intimidated and I can actually say my whole truth.

@sin3358

Жыл бұрын

This is exactly why I always try to call my bf when we argue instead of text (since we don't always see each other). I found myself being too vulnerable over text and worry more about getting my point across than listening. When we call, I am able to listen to what he has to say as well, because I don't want to argue with my bf, I want us to both see what the issue is, and find a mutual solution while respecting each other. I can't do that over text, it doesn't feel genuine. It works for lots of others though, but not for me

As someone with the same social anxiety and the same type of problems with a parent (about the potatoes), this type of reaction for me started to happen when I would consistently ask my parent not to 'fix things' for me, meaning not ask for things I was too scared to etc because it didn't help me at all and after an interaction I always felt like more of a failure. I would literally ask not to do such things because it made me feel bad about myself and I was working on my assertivity and anxiety and they would do it anyway, every time, and expected me to be grateful. But I felt disrespected because their way of loving was apparently the only right one and then they are sad and I feel guilty. I had this exact thing happen, after almost 10 years of asking to please let me try things on my own and if I crash and burn without dessert so be it. It feels like they don't respect my decisions and my attempt at self-regulating in life. Honestly it's a small occurrence but usually after years and years of trying to kindly set boundaries and voicing calmly why it feels bad when they do that. Not sure if that's a clear explanation, but it's a boundary and respect thing that has usually been an issue for years.

@mitchiemitch2088

2 жыл бұрын

YES!! You explained it well. I can relate to this, as well. I'm sure you've made progress in being more assertive. I hope you're proud of the progress you're making and remember those successes when you struggle. I still struggle but try to focus on praising myself for the times I managed to assert successfully and reasonably, and reflect on them when I'm struggling: "Remember that time I did that? It wasn't so bad and was I not happy for having done that?" -even happier when that person and I understood each other better as a result. In a way, it aids in judging whether or not a person is worth investing in and trusting. People who are dismissive, trivializing and/or unwilling to understand can bugger off. >>Don't get me wrong. I don't expect people to cater to me constantly. Just want us to understand each other and if I am being unreasonable, at least tell me in a kind and respectful way. I'm always open to hearing critique that will further promote my self-growth.

@voyance4elle

2 жыл бұрын

I feel like I totally understand you. Thank you for explaining it so well!!!!

@guyj9124

2 жыл бұрын

Honestly this made alota sense to me. Thanks for putting it this way. Gives me a better perspective on the situation.

@keesmuch

2 жыл бұрын

yes, I can see that now. and I did it too to someone perhaps in hindsight, may have a similar social anxiety which I didn't understand at all. the intention was to help but was quite surprised that it wasn't at all appreciated but reading your post really put it in clearer perspective for me. thank you.

@schwomps

2 жыл бұрын

Yes. So much yes. As someone with social anxiety the feelings of panic and stress I get are still real even though I can logically rationalize that it "makes no sense" after the fact. What makes it hurtful is the fact that her family knows the feelings she'll be going through and they are still disrespecting that boundary after she specifically asked them not to. To everyone else, it's "just asking about potatoes". To her, it's having to manage life with an anxiety disorder, hoping her family will help her out with it, but having them make her feel worse instead.. and then putting it out on the internet 🙃

I hate txting especially when it's something like that. The tone is so important and I'm not mad but people think I am and it gets unnecessarily complicated.

@sin3358

Жыл бұрын

Exactly!! I respect everyone here who says they prefer texting instead, but I have found out over time that I'm better at thinking rationally when I talk to someone in person, because I actually take my time to choose the proper words rather than when I text. I usually don't feel the depth of the emotions through text, making the argument last longer than it needs to

I remember this episode in Jane the virgin when Jane and Rafael were arguing, they didn't want to scream (kid and family were at home) so they started texting angrily. It was a mixture of comedy and seriousness that I love. They communicated but their facial expressions when they sent them were hilarious. You definitely have to react to that scene.

I have social anxiety and get overstimulated and overwhelmed pretty quickly so texting is my go to. I’ve also really loved using FB messenger’s voice recording feature. It’s almost like having a phone call but in little snippets that don’t require carved out time to talk on the phone. I prefer most of my social interaction to have that barrier so I can take breaks when I need to. I do agree though. Some things do need to be handled in person.

@IzzyCanterra

2 жыл бұрын

I get that. With me it's pretty much the opposite. Voice messages can cause me a lot of anxiety, especially when it's work related, or by people I don't know very well. Ambiguity is a big, huge trigger for me. I prefer to see the message in front of me, so I can at least take a quick look if I am too busy and see what they are about. With a voice message, ofc you cannot do that and I get quite panicky every now and then because of it.

I'm really weird. Because I think through my thoughts before I write (kinda like one would do for an essay) texting about big and touch topics is easier and more civil via text whereas face to face I freeze up and get walked over or just leave. I wouldn't propose or announce a baby over text but that's telling good news, it's easier to express good feelings. This is something that one would have to establish with their partner/friend so they know.

For healthy relationships, you're right, text should be a minor method of communication. However, when I interned in the family court, "Parents Who Talk" was a touted and often court-ordered service forcing separated parents to only communicate through trackable means to keep everyone civil and honest. Knowing that text transcripts can be produced in a custody hearing is sometimes what it takes. Trackable communication can also be a preferred method by people who have been gaslighted in the past and want to be able to hold the other person accountable. It's not a hallmark of healthy relationships but one can see why people would choose it.

@voyance4elle

2 жыл бұрын

Oh very interesting!! And it makes a lot of sense!

@natkatmac

2 жыл бұрын

My attempt at getting a DVRO was undermined by my ex knowing exactly what he could say in person and what he could say via text.

@ElizabethYuen-rx9xo

5 ай бұрын

Now that sucks ​@@natkatmac

I tend to be much more measured via text because I have to think it write it and then read it before I send the message. That being said tone doesn’t translate well when emotions are running high so I generally compromise and say hey let me get out what I feel like I need to say via text and we’ll sit down and talk about it later when we’ve had time to process.

About reconnecting with a friend you miss - my mom has a story like that! We were living abroad for a few years and she and her friend fought through email about their long distance connection and it ended with them never talking again during our stay. When we got back to the country, my mom knew she was going to see that friend since they worked at the same place and my mom expressed to my aunt anxiety over seeing her old friend again. My aunt just said: "just pick up the phone and make things right." And that's what my mom did. They are still friends to this day! The point is: it's never too late!

I've seen you talk about friendship a lot lately and i'm grateful for it. Someone who has be a close friend to me has basically ghosted me for a year now and i don't know why; now she texted and promised to call me next week... I was tempted to react badly but the truth is i miss her a lot and i really hope we can rekindle our friendship.

@voyance4elle

2 жыл бұрын

How is it going? :)

@bacul165

2 жыл бұрын

@@voyance4elle Nothing :(

@violetzebra9307

2 жыл бұрын

@@bacul165 ah, I'm sorry! I hope you get a response from them soon so you can work through it! :)

@Fingerscrossedout

Жыл бұрын

I hope you're better now!

Worst text fight: my bridesmaid quit my wedding because I was nice to a girl that she didn't like at a party, and wouldn't talk smack about her afterwards because the girl was bipolar. My MOH agreed with her, and quit because I was spending too much money on my wedding and it was pushing them away. We were in our 30s.

On the subject of reaching out to friends who are no longer in your life: what if you truly, honestly have no clue what “your part” was in the friendship dissolving? I had friends that I was extremely close to for years and they decided they no longer wanted me in their life. Any time I asked what I had done wrong, they gave me some variation of “well if you need to ask then that just proves my point!” It’s been 5 years since we spoke and my heart aches for the friendship we lost. I’ve thought about reaching out to try and mend things so many times, but I’m terrified of having more pain inflicted without being given any answers.

I once had a huge fight with my partner and it just seemed to get blown up with emotions so we decided to part out way for a second, literally just me and him going into separate rooms. And we texted each other, long ones, with details of how we felt and how the other person should have acted. It worked so well for us. I think parts of it is because English is not my first language, and even though I speak fluently, it's difficult for me to express my feelings calmly when I'm filled up with emotions. He's american, so sometimes he uses slangs that only american understand, which makes it even more difficult for me to understand him sometimes. We're still learning and adapting to each other and I think that's all what matters :)

I really enjoy your videos and insights. Just a note on the anxiety story. I have social anxiety, and I'm only one person, but maybe I can offer some insight. I understand that it was simply asking if the dish came with a potato. It's not about the simplicity or rationality of just asking. It's that for me, it would have taken immense trust for me to ask another person at the table if it came with a potato, trust that they wouldn't harm me. Since this was someone who knew them and even cared, I would have felt betrayed by them, that regardless of my needs, they did what they knew would trigger social anxiety anyway. From there it wouldn't just be that they betrayed me as someone I trusted enough to ask. It would be the addition of adrenalin I couldn't control or stop causing me to shake and my insides to clench making it hard if not impossible to remain in the seat and not leave, or run out in tears at the physical pain, much less digest food. I'm much older now, and can usually remain put, though not always. This is one reason, it's hard especially for females to say what they need. When we do others often ignore it thinking they know better, because to them, it's just a potato. I hope that made sense. Basically, it takes understanding that what hurts one person may seem like nothing to another, but what they need is still valid.

I can kind of see where the girl who's ex's friend was going back and liking her comments on his posts is coming from. Facebook doesn't randomly show you months old posts, so it was clearly deliberate, and since it was her comments on her (then) bf's posts, I would imagine it would be sort of loving, couple-y comments, so for the friend to search them out and like them is definitely passive aggressive, like going out of his way to remind her of that time in her relationship, and I would read it as him being like "so all these nice things you said to him back then must be lies since you've broken up." I think she probably could have just blocked the friend and moved on, but I get being annoyed by it, it's pretty petty tbh.

@saraandkoda

Жыл бұрын

agreed. that friend is definitely immature

@melaniedejonge5234

Жыл бұрын

Agreed.

@maggie2773

Жыл бұрын

she was definitely right. there were maybe more convincing ways to express it to her ex so that he'd take action, but that's it.

Sometimes people don't want to reach out because they miss that person but they know the friendship over all was not great or that the friend will not improve. Sometimes people can be sad without wanting to actually go back to the relationship they had with someone. Like, I cut off a friend because he was abusive to others. I missed him for a good while... but I didn't actually want to go back to the relationship. He wasn't a good person to others. And it changed my perspective on a couple of times we talked significantly where I could no longer trust he had good intentions. I couldn't give him the benefit of the doubt, because abusive people use that as a shield.

@SH-bq7wz

2 жыл бұрын

I totally agree! It's so hard sometimes...

its nice to have written conformation through texts. its nice to be held and hold other accountable

Wow, this video was too short! Please do another one. I learned a lot from this, particularly on "pick a lane". I'm always somewhat ashamed to feel what I feel, so I try to soften in and sounds super balanced. But this has made me want to take a second, recognise and accept my feelings, and then consider them a bit more instead of have them bubbling all over yet also be denied.

i hate texting because i was groomed and abused for like 5 years as a teen and the constant daily texting and fighting and whatnot has just given me constant fatigue

The way I yelled "NO" and half-lunged toward the screen when you cut open a shipping box with one of your nice kitchen knives

Part of me wants to just show the text between me and my ex. Just to get clarity of who is the crazy one. I feel like iv completely gone insane and I'm confused all the time lol 😂. I'd straight up say im confused can we talk in person but we hardly ever would... 😂 Fighting through text is such an unnecessary headache. I'm still going through it trying to understand what the hell is even being talked about 😂

This was unfortunately pretty relatable for me. Thank you for your voice of reason and tips to avoid these kinds of situations!

When I heard the one about a friend liking an ex's months old message, my thoughts went to the new boyfriend being extremely controlling. What if the new boyfriend saw the new like on an old message by another guy and got abusive about it, or started gaslighting the ex. And that's why she messaged him like that

@biancacherry7059

2 жыл бұрын

Hm I thought it may have been some old pic of them together and a comment of her professing her love or something and the friend liking it was an attention seeking provoking her type thing

@ilovebirkhoff

Жыл бұрын

Bit farfetched

I learn so much through these videos. Thanks for the good work!

I think a very important rule of maintaining good relationships is not arguing over text since tone can be very easily misconstrued.

Thanks for your insightful video Jonathan! I feel this is one of the disadvantages of technology. Many things that should be addressed in person are taking place over text where a lot of people feel more comfortable to say things they would actually never dare to say in an in-person face to face healthy conversation. On another note, that was the best Hello Fresh advertisement I’ve ever seen. The excitement you showed when you opened the door and saw the box was awesome. Hahahaha. I love Hello Fresh. Thanks for all the work you do and for sharing your knowledge with all of us.

Anxiety does crazy things to your perspective. Sometimes when I get anxious, I don't want to be noticed for *any* reason, even benign ones. And if someone notices me, even if it's to pay a compliment or ask a question, I feel vulnerable and exposed. To make it worse, the exposed feeling feeds into the existing anxiety, which causes the reactions to the anxiety to be more noticeable on the outside, which leads to getting more exposed, which feeds into the anxiety more, and on the cycle goes. I think it was less about, "The waitress will think I'm weird for asking about potatoes" and more like "If I ask about the potatoes, then I'll be socially obligated to get that dish, regardless of the potatoes or not. That's a lot of pressure, because I don't know if I want it because it depends on the answer. Also, most people just order, eat, and leave, and now I've made things harder by having to ask questions first. What if she doesn't know? What if she has to ask someone else and it becomes a whole thing? I don't wanna stand out as the one who has to ask questions about all the food, I just wish I could order, eat, and leave so I won't be noticed or remembered." Nevertheless, I feel like, even with her anxiety, that could have been handled better. Getting angry in the moment is easy, and slowing down and considering the perspective of the other person is very very hard. The best thing to do would be to take a breath in the moment, or even step outside for some fresh air after it's over, so you don't blow up right away, and then when dinner or over and you've let your head cool off, you bring it up as a conversation. Say something like, "I appreciate that you wanted to help me get the food that I wanted and were willing to help me. Please understand, however, that sometimes, the anxiety I'm feeling really makes it not worth it. You don't have to understand why, but in the future, please believe me when I ask you not to do something and respect the fact that I have a system of risk-assessment when it comes to managing my anxiety." Then have a talk about it.

I think Face to Face is a much better mode of communication. Sometimes text can't communicate things like feelings.

8:06 back before I got my autism diagnosis I was like the potatoes person. I couldn't handle shopping alone. If we couldn't find something I preferred to walk EVERY aisle repeatedly rather than ask someone who worked there where it was. If my shopping companion didn't have time to do it my way and the insisted on asking a worker....I would insist that before they go anywhere near the worker I would hide in the next aisle and then follow from a distance.....if my shopping companion did or said anything that could indicate my presence including attempting to interact with me before the worker was fully gone I would be absolutely livid. My anxiety (not knowing the source/cause/reason being ASD) was so intense I view all interactions (outside loved ones) to be a confrontation, as intense as putting spiders on an arachniphobe, before I knew my anxiety had a clinical source I trusted my brain that I was in danger. And how dare they subject me to my worst fear against my wishes. Once I realized that the cause was brain "mis-wiring' it made it so I was able to ignore the fear and now I can even ask workers myself (unless I am having a particularly overstimulated day --- cuz I kinda regress those days and then I just have my shopping companion ask, I am able to be right there though still, so not complete regression. She needs to work on things herself majorly, but there is no way her dad didn't know how much she disliked those situations....so his intent is not purely altruistic since he knew the outcome from prior situations.

I agree about texts not being great for important conversations. But what if you don't live in the same city or country as the people you care about the most. Of course, I know that technology allows for calls and FaceTime too, but most of my friends don't want to do that. I have called friends on their birthdays, they hang up, and asks me what's up via text. It's really hard to maintain a long distance relationship when the other party doesn't want to talk because they consider it to be too demanding.

I am a very calm individual, and I try not to get too into conflicts and try to commuicate effectively when I feel I am being mistreated, or if something needs to be said, and I find that a lot of people, get even more mad, when you dont respond to their anger, with more anger, or sass. Like, does my ability to remain calm cause you a problem? Just chill out, and talk to me. No matter what they're about to say, I am very likely to be able to keep my cool unless it covering one or two VERY specific topics.

"I know I'm old but I do social media" 🤣🤣. I related so much to this. Made the same face "whaaaat???"

The potatoes one, I can get if her dad was like, "My daughter here wants to know....." Or if he asks and tells his daughter, "See, it doesn't!" in front of the waitress. His question should be framed as his own.

I actually liked having the breakup with my ex through text because it eliminated the factors that might have kept us together (like hearing his voice or seeing the emotion in his face) whenever we tried breaking up in person, it never worked. Text was the most effective way and things ended very amicably :)

I have social anxiety as well, and I think in general when just socializing and catching up with people, I do prefer text because I hate the long awkward pauses that put pressure on me to keep the ball rolling (or maybe more accurately, pressure I put on myself). But I also think important conversations are best had in person if possible so you can gauge their intent and reactions better.

As always a very insightful video. You're such a humble and wholesome Person, so thank you for providing us with your videos! I believe text messages should be reserved for coordinating things, texting each other when coming home late, to make sure the other is safe. But also for small affirmations and some silly exchanges when you cannot see each other at the time. But I hate hate hate having serious discussions through text! It's neeever productive.

Last year I snapped and said some really hurtful things to my best friend because she was upset at me and being passive aggressive. I ended the friendship and blocked her. At the time, it really wasn’t her, and more of me looking for any excuse to isolate myself even further. Just last week I reached out to her and apologized and explained why I reacted that way. We reconnected so fast, like we had never even been apart.

@olukoya44

Жыл бұрын

you suck for that.

My boyfriend & I are long distance & when we’re super busy we don’t have the time or energy to call. However, this does help me slow down & process exactly what I want to say. It’s so weird, we’ve been together over a year & we have not had an actual fight. We’ve had mild & frustrating disagreements

I come off better over text for arguments cuz I don’t react automatically with emotion. I take days to think of what to say while also being considerate That’s on GROWTH ✨

One of my biggest mistakes as someone with social anxiety is arguing thru text.. you think you know you're being more rational than you might be in person until you re-read what you already sent and realize "I basically just sent an anxiety attack to my partner via text and expected them to respond rationally".. It's a real roller coaster being the kind of person who can't order their own fast food or make a phone call; but can have a whole emotional breakdown to your partner who is the person that vicariously orders your food and makes your phone calls cuz you can't. I'm living in the anxiety equivalent of the pokemon distortion world 24/7; sending an SOS to the mentally sane and asking "how do I be a people".

Interesting question (not sure you ever spoke about this): what do you think about people NOT separating even though the love in the relationship is gone and not coming back and there is constant fighting but they stay together because they have a child? Is that the right choice, even though they are both unhappy and would WANT to go but think they have to stay for the child?

@biancacherry7059

2 жыл бұрын

My only qualification is that I have divorced parents. Do not stay together for a child it will do them more harm than good. Ask yourself do you want your child to have a relationship like that? Because essentially what you are doing is showing them your relationship is what marriage is meant to be and they will grow up and be in unhealthy relationships and think “well my parents were like this so it must be an okay relationship so I’ll stay even thought I don’t love them and we fight all the time”

@evelyneverdeen7971

2 жыл бұрын

I think he talks about this is some of thebolder videos, I think mainly together with Alicia? If I remember correctly, his take for a situation like that was to do what's best for that couple's situation and especially the children - so if the couple is only fighting, separation might be the best option. And counseling. I don't remember the exact video(s) where this was mentioned, though

I stay in a completely different city and timezone from my best friends from school and college and have such a different life. It's very difficult for us to call each other regularly, let alone meet up. Texts are how we keep each other updated about our lives. Whether it's good stuff or bad. I've fought with them over texts as well, but also had really meaningful conversations as well. If we relied on just calling each other, we'd be strangers.

I am more voulnerable over Text and I feel Like i can articulate my emotions better, so I had some of my healthiest Arguments over text, I get overwhelmed by emotions way faster when I speak in person...

As someone with a very stressful and unhealthy dynamic with my ex-husband, every communication had to go through text or email so there was a written record and words couldn’t be twisted and lies about what was said couldn’t be made.

I feel like through text I’m able to be less reactive and actually think about what I’m saying before I hit send and can’t take it back. I also get nervous during arguments and forget my points There are definitely upsides and downsides

I grew up with my parents arguing over the phone, in person, and over text. There was really no way to get them to have a civil conversation without me having to communicate for them, and it took several long years for them to get to a point in which they can have a conversation without it turning sour. For those type of relationships I believe it is best for them to stay on the phone, as it can easily get physical in person. Me personally, I enjoy texting as it allows me to think through my thoughts before I say something, but, I do believe that if my words are being misinterpreted (or vice-versa) than it should be held over the phone. I’ve stopped a text convo many a time because I thought it was best to have it over the phone or in person, and every time i’ve done so, it’s worked. However, I’ve also had a lot of good arguments over text. It really just depends.

This is quite an interesting one for me since I tend to think better in text, or at least in typed words better than in person in the moment. There have been multiple times where taking the time to write out what I was mad about and why helped me work through my emotions and really nail down the problem point and even suggest possible compromises, which lead to gracefully resolving the arguments. Of course, that might be due to the fact that I err towards writing multi paragraph dissertations even in text messages. 😅 By the time I’ve finished writing and editing a full response, I’ve usually calmed down, and thrown out at least one, sometimes two terrible drafts on what I was going to send.

Texting is great for informal conversations, quick messages, and a lot of things. I think the most important thing for it is, would you want to get your news via text.

As someone w social anxiety disorder, a lot of my anxiety comes from feeling like I have no control when I’m out in public. When I tell someone I don’t want them to do something for me, and then they go ahead and do it anyway, that makes me feel like I have no control of the situation, which makes me anxious. Also, anytime my anxiety gets brought up, and I have to admit that my anxiety is stopping me from doing something, I feel immense shame, which can make me lash out. Lashing out at other people is something I’ve had to focus on not doing. I’m absolutely not saying the sister was in the right with her behavior, but I 100% understand where she’s coming from. Social anxiety makes you blow little things like potatoes completely out of proportion. Not to mention, there’s probably more to the story. Often, “potatoes” are more than just potatoes. This likely isn’t the first time she felt bad about the way her family handled her anxiety

@natkatmac

2 жыл бұрын

What steps have you been taking to mitigate that feeling of needing control? There's a lot of people with anxiety disorders (like me) in the comments and it might be useful info.

With the potato thing . . . I have anxiety and I grew up with an abusive, alcoholic father who did not get it. I think I would have reacted similarly in that situation, and on the surface it would look like I was overreacting, but what people don't see are years and YEARS of invalidation and abuse. It's not about the potatoes, it's about the hundreds of other even worse things a toxic parent has done to you over the years. Of course I don't know this family or their history together. That's just me looking at it through the filter of my own experience.

@tell-me-a-story-

Жыл бұрын

The dad was obviously a nice guy who cared about his daughter. Her anxiety is not an excuse for mistreating her father, and yelling at him in the restaurant is defiantly going to "Call attention" To her. The dad obviously wasn't abusive, she's just explosive.

@IhaveALLtheavocados

Жыл бұрын

@@tell-me-a-story- quick question, have you ever struggled with anxiety?

@tell-me-a-story-

Жыл бұрын

@@IhaveALLtheavocados eh, sometimes. You?

@IhaveALLtheavocados

Жыл бұрын

@@tell-me-a-story- yup. I’ve been diagnosed with social anxiety.

I have this exact problem with my grandma and she never sees it as her fault, always turns convos into poor her and honestly it's exhausting but what hurts the most is she always, ALWAYS will pick to hang, talk, etc with the people she's been hurt by the most and always forgets I am there. I don't really care about the whole...well they're your family anymore. When they're being toxic, I am over it but honestly when I talk to her in person she never sees it my way unless I text it and tbh I still don't know if she gets it because she just goes back into that vicious cycle of forgetting me with tons of things inviting me out, hanging out, etc. So I'm just over and give up, she's just going to have to figure it out for herself from now on because I am tired of being the therapy session

Thank you for your videos, showing up with your authentic self. 🤗 Can you please consider doing a video on serious-dating outside your socioeconomic class (heading toward marriage) and then also the psychological impacts of class-jumping thru marriage? Thanks for considering! 🙏🏽

LMFAO THE GUCCI GIRL IM DEADDDDDD

3:55 the look of confusion is priceless 🤣🤣🤣

The one with social anxiety - the dad didn't respect his daughter's boundaries. Doesn't matter what the boundary was and what the server does or doesn't think. She has the right to set that boundary and no matter how insignificant it seems to other people, they need to not break that boundary.

@Scheherazade-pr4jt

7 ай бұрын

Respectfully I disagree. I have social anxiety but I've always seen that as my responsibility to manage. Other people aren't and shouldn't be expected to cater to it. They should be respectful ofc as they should be of everyone and if they choose to show more consideration towards me because they want to then I'm grateful. Which is what the dad seemed to be doing. The daughter didn't want to ask about the potatoes herself. Imagine if no one else had and the dish did come with potatoes, she wouldn't have enjoyed the meal as much. Personally I see this as enabling her. If she can't advocate for herself on small matters like this, how will she on bigger issues? It's something she needs to treat and learn to manage or her anxiety is going to control and potentially limit her life. Instead it seems her family are respecting her boundaries by not insisting she ask but doing that for her. Also just wanna point out that what the sister seemed to be upset about here was the way the other daughter spoke to the father. The father was genuinely trying to help his daughter. Any mental illness you have does not give you an excuse to disregard or hurt others around you. Personally I believe intentions do matter to some extent especially when the outcome is so minor. And I can't even see what the huge negative fallout here was. Girl you found out whether there was gonna be potatoes or not. Sometimes perspective is sorely needed.

Social anxiety has really gotten worse since technology has been introduced. I felt like a commutated with my friend of 10 years through text mostly and when I finally met her we barely talked at all. We are unfortunately not friends anymore since the end of last year because communication wasn’t going well, her and her boyfriend scammed money from me, and whenever I tried to ask for more communication they didn’t want to talk face to face just over text which made it hard to read our emotions. Honestly just tired of technology these days

I can't help but think of Raj from the Big Bang Theory and his selective mutism. For some reason, he literally couldn't talk to women - but when he found someone with equal social issues and who sparked his interest, he arranged a picnic at a library (where you're supposed to be quiet) where they then communicated in silence, but by text, even sitting at the same table, looking each other in the eye. It was kinda sweet and, in my eyes, pointed in a constructive direction.

Please don’t ever fight with someone over text while driving. A girl in my town was killed recently because she was hit by a guy who was texting and driving. Apparently, he’d been fighting with his wife through text. Now someone who had nothing to do with their fight is dead because of it.

Ok but to be fair, YOU may not see a world where someone could be mad for that reason, but as a person with social anxiety, my whole life is just me seeing these incredibly unlikely situations in my mind and feeling like shit any time someone even looks at me. It's different in the minds of people with anxiety. Its not something that someone without anxiety really understands easily.

video imported in my head.

I've had really intense text relationships where I felt like I was very close to the person because we had long conversations, especially late at night. But then I've had short lived relationships where someone couldn't even do basic conversation via text. The worst is when it's someone who is in the first category and then they refuse to meet in person to have any conversation about what is going on. Gaslighting to make you feel like there is nothing wrong or if there is, it's all your fault.

I have a friend that I had a falling out with about a year ago. We were going in different directions and I had to walk away. It was really more that we had to cool down and put some distance between us for awhile. Mistakes were made on both sides. We've started talking again. I'm taking it slowly.

That first one I can identify with. My girlfriend told me she was going out to the bar for her birthday with friends and didn't invite me. When I asked, she said that she knew I was uncomfortable with alcohol (mom was a bad alcoholic) so she didn't think I'd want to go. On the one hand, I appreciated her knowing enough about me to know that I probably wouldn't enjoy it much, but on the other hand she was my *girlfriend* and I would have liked her to at least ASK. If you just assume you know my answer, you'll never know if you were right. I may surprise you. I didn't _argue_ with her over it, but I was pretty unhappy about it. Even if I was just going to say no, I felt like it wasn't fair to just not bother to ask. I felt like I was being excluded, just like the girl at the beginning. I don't think I ended up addressing it with her again but I do know I managed to convey that even if I'm going to say no, please just ask me anyway because I'm your girlfriend and I want to spend time with you and know that you value me enough to want me there anyway even if I don't end up going. Otherwise it sounds like you don't care enough about me to bother.

One of my worst texting incident things, not necessarily an argument, but (context) basically one of my best friends just stopped talking to me one day. And it was really hard bc we are still in the same school and I see him everyday, but whenever I tried to talk to him he wldn't look me in the eye and wld end the conversation as quickly as humanely possible. But he wld still talk with my other friends standing right next to me. Occasionally i literally saw him walking towards our group, locking eyes with me, and then making a 180 and walking away. And it was just a really weird and sudden change. Like before then, we talked and texted and called literally every day. And i just have no idea what i did :( Anyway, two months went by, (an awful two months) and he still wldn't talk to me. It was making me really upset and i was just confused. So I messaged him asking what happened, and if i did anything wrong. He was like, oh no ofc not im just really busy. Which, horrible excuse btw bc he still talks to everyone else, but i left it bc obviously he didn't wanna talk about it. I figured I'd give him some more space to clear his head. Maybe this wld get better over time. 2 more months go by, now a total of 4 months since i got ghosted. Nothing gets better. By this point ive texted him a couple times spread out through the days, just reminding him im still here if he needs me, and wishing him well. He replies a basic "haha thx" to all of them. By now i had actually left school for tafe, bc school was dojng awful things for my mental health, and EVERYONE at some point before i left came to say goodbye and tell me they gonna miss me, like im talking ppl i hadnt talked to in yearsss, but from him? Nothing :( I feel like im not supposed to be too hurt by that, bc exams were the next week and he was probs rlly stressed n stuff, but it did hurt. Two weeks later (once exams were finished bc im not a monster) i decided to send him a message i had been working on for about 4 weeks (to get it perfect). It was um 3029 words 😬 but only bc every last word was essential. Im obvi not gonna repeat it here 😂 but it was along the lines of: Ive been really confused and hurt bc i rlly needed my friend and it felt like u just ditched me like our friendship meant nothing. If i did something to hurt u, i am really sorry. Pls let me know if i did. I rlly want some clarity. U dont have to respond right away but i wld appreciate if at some point u did. In the end tho, yes im hurt, but im not bitter bc i know u have a good heart and probably didn't mean it. Anyway im still always here if u need me. This is Veryyy simplified ofc bahaha but along those lines. And then he asked if he cld get back to me tomorrow, to which i was like yeah ofc ... he did not get back to me tomorrow. Two days went by and i reminded him that while he cld take his time, that he pls wldnt completely forget bc this was rlly important to me. And he said sorry he was busy. Which rlly got on my nerves, bc i cld see on discord he'd been gaming almost the entire week after school. So the next day i got really mad and accused him of lying (iffy on my part, ik sorry), and said how i just didn't understand why bc id already told him he cld take his time. And then i said how i didnt understand why he was avoiding this topic either, and i really wanted to. Then he immediately when on the defensive and said how he wasn't lying and he had a bunch of tests for school. Which... idek at this point. But i apologised for accusing him and he.. forgave me? I think? Idk my whole world is confusing atm. He completely ignored the second half of that msg lols btw. But anyway we havent talked since (this was like 2 days ago now) and... ive honestly just accepted that we will never be as close as we were. And frankly i think ive dodged a bullet. Bc he's known ive been hurting this whole time but he doesn't want to put in the effort to make it right. Anyway thanks for reading hahahahaah hope u enjoyed.

This is why my only on line comments are on U-tube and I never check to see it they were liked or commented on.

My oldest and I constantly go at each other over text. Mostly because one or the other of us will shut down if we confront face to face and phone calls are a race to see who can hang up first. 😢😢

Maaaaaan I’m so glad there wasn’t texting when I was single. I would have been so awful at it.

I like texting to set up a time to call. That way the calls come in and are on my schedule.

I really love your eyes Jonathan, I feel like you can look at my soul with your eyes..

that girl getting mad at her dad for asking about potatoes is the embodiment of "get over yourself"

I definitely agree that tone can be easily misread via text and that emojis and gifs can be good tone indicators, but sometimes I think that if misreading tone via text is a particularly bad problem in a relationship, they should implement the use of tone indicators/tone tags such as /s and ask the other person to do the same, use voice memos more frequently, or just ask the person in which tone they intended their message to be read. I think that if more people did these things, tone misreading in text messages would significantly decrease. I also think I set some sort of unprecedented run-on sentence record just now.

Texting makes fights easier for me because i can calm myself down before responding (much harder to do when talking face to face, especially while the other person is yelling at you, it's quite hard to regulate), and i can rewrite things several times before sending, so what might start like "hey bi*h i'm gonna choke you if you don't give me my stuff" can be sent as "Please return my stuff, i'm really upset that you took it," while in person the first would can just come out (not quite like that, just using the example from the other girl in the video) and it cannot be reworded afterwards like a text can be before sending.

If you ask a guy for a reason and he said because I said so,would you think that a weird answer?

With the potatoes incident!!!: I would be super embarrassed as someone who grew up in toxic religious environment. As children we were always yelled (jump scared), for pride & gluttony. If we ever said anything nice about ourselves we would be shamed. If we ever wanted ANYTHING, or made any perceived expression of want, we’d be shamed. It was always preached to not bother others, put ourselves last, and ask/want nothing. We would be hit out of nowhere for table etiquette (breathing too loud is an example) & “disrespect”. So I personally feel extremely uncomfortable eating around others and ordering things. Having someone else step in would make me feel like a child again, making it worse.

My worst text argument happened after my most recent breakup

Okay first of all great video. And yes i agree, you shouldn´t have important conversationes over the phone. On the other hand sometimes i talk with a friend and agree with her cause in that specific moment i don´t have time to think about this. I don´t have time to think everything through and make up my mind. So i than like to text. In general i can express my feelings better via text. I can express myself better through writing, so for me it is better via text. But with my parents and family i also only fight face to face, just with some friends, i fought via text

What do you do if the other person will not own up to or take responsibility for their wrong actions?

@isaacburkholz8816

2 жыл бұрын

Sounds like a 15 minute consultation with Mended Light is in your future! Honestly if the other person won't own up, using text history to try to hold them accountable is only going to increase frustration in my opinion. This may not be a good relationship to hold onto, but if you feel you have to, counseling is a great place to start. A book I often recommend is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. It gives a great explanation for the motivations behind maintaining maladaptive communication habits and may be able to help you see through them. A book that Jonathan Decker recommends that I haven't read yet is "How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk" by John Van Epp and that may also hold some insight.

I think the worst argument I got into over text was when I was trying to convince my friend that Finch Merlin was just as good as Peeta Melark. And what made it the worst was how long it was. We resolved to agree to disagree(like we usually do) but it was a long one.

“You’re leaving a TRAIL OF DEVASTATION in your wake!” - just did a full spit take!

I had a long distant relationship that I thought had run its course. After sime messages back and forth about it she tried to blackmail me with deep fakes. Never start a relationship wuth someone you never meet in person.

Jono - re. the potatoes/social anxiety: sometimes, something that is usually objectively harmless can be quite harmful, occasionally of cryptonitic proportions. My entry point to this is different from social anxiety, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I get a formal diagnosis in that direction due to people not realizing the harm in what to them appears as otherwise harmless. Other comments/responses here reminded me of an image I usually use myself: a bruise. If you’re hit just that once that creates the bruise, perhaps a second time by someone who wasn’t aware of the bruise, hey, you’ll get over it; no problem other than a temporary sore spot (

Texting has become a great communication tool for me. I don't use it in an aggressive or combative way. I state my issue very logically and dispassionately, i.e."I interpreted what you (said, did, etc.) this way and it upset me. If my interpretation is wrong, please ler me know. Otherwise, I am not ok with this behavior, and it will have to change if we hope to continue our relationship." Usually I get no response, which tells me everything I need to know.

The girl talking about missing her friend reminds me of the song WYD Now? by Sadie Jean and it would be cool if he reacted to that song

I find that my thoughts were similar to your commentary, made me feel a bit better. I struggle with social nuances so reaching the same conclusions makes me feel a bit human.

Unless you have social anxiety / work closely with it, you won’t understand how physically and emotionally terrifying the public can be. Your body tells you YOU’RE IN DANGER. It’s irrational and we know it. The simple things aren’t simple but extremely difficult and require great compassion from family, friends and the person them self.

I have done texts like that rather than do it irl. That's because I have difficulty with confrontation, and to really say what I want to say is difficult when it comes to irl. I might express myself poorly that way, and via text, when i can think about it, I can at least be thoughtful in how I express myself. I put in a lot of effort in trying to be reasonable and explain my perspective rather than be resentful about it. It just works better for me :|

One of my real good friends gave me hell over text.. He was already straying far from all of us in his extreme opinions that he aired whenever he could, and we all tried to ask curious but positive questions and be open to all of it. Mind you we where part of a voluntary club for people (like us) that have a diagnosis or have a hard time getting new friends. So his extreme political private life was not one we wanted him to spur out when we where gathering with the "young people" who might the topics uncomfortable, and we even got some complaints as it is hard to enjoy good food, cookies and boardgames when someone constantly have to bring up the injunctive or the environmental impacts something has. We where discussing what to do with the club and how to move on, and he started some argument trying to implement things that was not realistic for the club. This ends up with him resigning and afterwards telling me in a private chat that we could not be friends because we had no common interest beside having the same diagnosis and we could never have had a good friendship and he had been faking for so long. I know him well enough to know that everything he wrote was bullshit, but he also have a lot of very angry and frustrated feelings. I tried at first to ask if we could do anything about it, or if i could do anything better as a friend, and if he was okay. But he kept his facade and carried on with his attitude. After some time i get enough. I wrote him a piece of my mind about his activities and political stances, that i did not disagree but that i felt like it was consuming him and making him bitter, angry and unrealistic in his expectations. I also told him i was sorry if i ever harmed him, i do agree with his opinions, but i don't protest in the streets by stopping traffic or paint my boobies with some message, and that should be okay, i told him that i would miss him, but that how he is treating me and the others was not okay and we draw the line here.

I try and do the best of both worlds because I can be such an emotional person...but I also write better than I speak so text can be better. But. It's not really because like you said it causes more fights because you can't read tone and you forget to stop and take a breath of the person isn't right there in front of you or even talking on the phone. But because I trip over my words and I'm better in writing...I do that first. I'll write it down or do a word document then talk to them about it so i have that to refer to. The people who matter don't mind that I have a piece of paper to refer to.

I friend broke up with someone over text. About 6 months prior we had not spoken due to an argument and I went back and apologized. This time around, I had told him how I felt and what I needed (either emotional support OR space so I could deal with things in life). He disregarded how I felt then continued to blow up my phone with his needs. I snapped and said some mean things, but I felt so down, hurt, backed into a corner. It's been a month or so, I'm still not wanting to reach out. I do miss parts of the friendship, but not the toxic parts. I'm accepting that we probably weren't good as friends. I asked him a few times to talk over camera prior to the fight (we're in two separate countries) because I felt it might be better if we could see each other's facial expression, but he wouldn't. Should have been my sign I guess.

I think a lot of important conversations should not happen over text, since it can be hard to know a person’s tone through simple written word. I will say I think I found this video at a very apropos moment in time. My wife and I just sent a message to my sister about something very serious. We found out that she has told at least one person that our two year old is the product of an affair. (We highly trust the person who was told to accurately portray what was relayed). My sister has a very long history of becoming verbally and physically aggressive, sometimes to the extent of outright violence, when her wrongdoings are addressed, and neither my wife or I felt comfortable speaking to her over the phone or in person because of this. And, predictably, we received the same sort of response this time. I can understand sticking to text (or email, or letter, or another form of written communication) with someone who you reasonably suspect will respond with aggression or violence. In our message, we simply specified the boundary that we do not want to be gossiped about, and do not want our child to be gossiped about, especially about something so personal as their conception, and that if these boundaries cannot be respected, we would be putting some space between us and whomever crossed those boundaries. I mean, I can’t control what she does, and it is disappointing to see her react so similarly to how she has in the past, but I’m glad I’m lucky enough to have my baby and my wife and my wonderful life and am going to work on trying to focus on those, for now. 🤷🏻‍♂️ Can’t win ‘em all, I guess.

Can you react to Jake and Amy from Brooklyn Nine-Nine? They are extremely different people but ended up with such an interesting relationship! Would be great to hear your take on it.

A tragic end to my relationship happened over text. For context I’m trans. I sent her a video through TikTok of how to respect pronouns. I didn’t send it just to her, but I think she took it personally. She then sent a video with anti-trans messaging. I tried really hard to explain I’m no longer the person she remembers me as because people change. She said some really hurtful things and so I did as well. This all ended with me sending a voice memo of me cry screaming at her that God isn’t the one who’s invalidating my gender, she was. Later she tried to reach out saying she misses me and wants to change, but I was just so angry. We’re slowly repairing the relationship, but it’s gonna be a long process.

I feel like people should text the way aliens in one of my video games speak. They all speak monotone to other races (mostly) so they begin each statement with a description of their intention so they're not misunderstood: "Angry retort: I won't answer that." "Kind inquiry: How do you find the station?" "Confused query: why are you here?" If people could stop being sarcastic with each other, it could be very effective.

Text messaging can be dangerous when the tone can be misunderstood. My ex would never argue with me via text and it's either because he felt like he had more control and being passive aggressive with me OR I can choose to believe because it's not how we should communicate when we are upset. Although, most of the time when I would bring anything up he would deflect and blame me.... So,.... that's okay.. I will take it as a positive lesson that all of us should really try and not argue over a text. Also, know which battles are worth fighting about. No one should ever weaponize your vulnerabilities against you or manipulate you into submission by playing the guilt and shame technique.

Personally. If I can write out my feelings it's easier to communicate them, but I get that tone is really hard to get across. I'd want to do both, so you can see the effects your words are having and see that I really can't talk to you verbally but still want to be able to communicate.

That first girl single handedly started that argument from thin air