I love Anna's advice here and the reminder that open, honest discussion is always the best recourse. ❤ Pouring light on the issue rather than trying to tiptoe around it in the dark, that's how I'd describe the healing insight I need to carry with me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

2 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing :) -Calista@TeamFairy

I think Anna phrased it perfectly when she said, "If your boss was a man, would all this be ok?"

@martavera8772

2 ай бұрын

Or if "B" was a guy friend of his, joking about wanting to touch her boobs. So inappropriate!

If someone makes you uncomfortable, or you don't trust them, get out. What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. Let's say that your take is wrong. So what???? Your take is the only one you have. Respect yourself.

@yuk498

Ай бұрын

An opportunity with someone who is clearly crossing her boundaries , is not going to work out, even at a professional level. the boss is testing her boundaries, and knows what she is doing.

Having a separate hotel room every single time needs to be stated upfront as non-negotiable. It could be so easy for B to say "we don't have the funds for that" and suddenly you're in a room together.

I question whether this is "a chance of a lifetime." People who are predatory and of whatever sexual orientation, will pump up a situation to make it tempting enough to endure their sexual pressuring. She just needs to tell her "I'm straight. You don't do it for me. Still want me to go?" The prospective employer knows her work history and is counting on her being somewhat desperate to take this leap. If she says never mind the project got canceled, you KNOW it was b.s. to start with.

@jennifergriffin5467

2 ай бұрын

Well said. There are a lot of predators out there these days.

@babaganouche9605

2 ай бұрын

You are exactly right.

I agree with Anna. A lot of people make that mistake - "I'll take the opportunity and just try to dodge the harassment." But they forget how terrible these predators are! The success you THINK you'll achieve is not worth the hurt!

@yuk498

Ай бұрын

Totally, such a predator boss, she will not let letter writer grow into her own and lose her. Instead she will kill her confidence and try her best to kill her relationship. Disgusting af.

Please don't give successful creatives a pass for being jerks. It is entirely possible to be a creative dynamo and also develop some maturity.

Thinking that if you have to ask "is it cheating?" it might not be cheating but you shouldn't be doing it. And that the people asking the question, already know that.

Your wildest dream alwayS comes with a "catch"

The woman is settling for less in this relationship and in her work. You deserve better. Until you believe and live it, life will continue to use you as a doormat. You need to look inward and ask why you’re settling for less than in all areas of your life. B is using you. A is not as committed as you think.

@user-rj7sw2vt4h

2 ай бұрын

How do I know that you’re settling? Because it’s the story of my life. I see you. Flush the toilet on everything and start over - with this therapy to support you.

Ditto on last 2 comments. The boss seems narcissistic especially since she enjoys the drama she creates

Nah the second my boyfriend has a coworker that calls herself his work wife n says/ does nothing or sets no boundaries, I'm doneeeee 🎉

Is B trying to hurt A on purpose? Not sure why A would want this woman in his life at all.

This is not only about respect for her boyfriend and her relationship. It's also about respect for herself. The B girl is a cheater and only thinks of herself and what she wants. This shows by how she makes sexual advancements toward her while knowing she has a boyfriend. Thats no different than a man doing it. Its inappropriate and disrespectful. B doesn't care about her relationship or her "friends". This B woman has already shown who she is multiple times. She won't respect boundaries, so being around her after all the sexual comments and knowing she's a cheater is basically enabling her to continue her advancements and will end in disaster for the letter writer and her relationship. That's a fact. Go find your own way to create opportunities for yourself in a healthy environment, Ms. letter writer. Giving up your self-respect and putting your relationship through unnecessary hardships is not worth it. EVEN if you were single, its not worth enabling this type of behavior by accompanying a person like this or continuing to associate with them at all. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the FIRST TIME. And she has shown she cares only for HER own pleasure and she doesn't care who she hurts and disrespects in the process. People in hollywood or in similar situations give up their self-respect all the time in situations like this, and they always deeply regret it after. By the way, it doesn't matter if you're straight. Its the inappropriate behavior that you must not enable by not giving your time to this person if you want to stand up for yourself.

@christinelamb1167

2 ай бұрын

This is such a great comment, and exactly my thoughts and feelings as well! 👍

@user-rj7sw2vt4h

2 ай бұрын

This!

@ericdominguez827

16 күн бұрын

Exactly! Do not give up your self respect, whether you’re already in a relationship or not.

Jobs come & go. Good relationships are hard to come by & keep, at least for me. Even if you know you won’t cheat this woman doesn’t respect you at all. You don’t know what she’s going to do. I wouldn’t risk it. Her joking about wanting to touch your boobs is not ok!!! That said, See if you can bring him. If not & you go have a back up plan. Make sure you can afford & get your own room. Just in case. There could be a “surprise” when you get there. Have a plan in place for you to leave in a moments notice if need be. Talk this plan over with your bf. Please be careful. Don’t unnecessarily put yourself in harms way for an opportunity.

Id accept it as a loss and move on gracefully l. Ultimately, her interest will be rejected and just as doors open, you can be blackballed in that community because you refused her. Find an excuse to leave and disappear. She will eventually go fancy someone else and just cut your losses.

@bback4078

2 ай бұрын

That's a very good point about potentially being blackballed.

@christinelamb1167

2 ай бұрын

@@bback4078 That IS a very good point that I hadn't even thought about! Narcissists (which it sounds like "B" might be) are notoriously vindictive when they don't get their way.

@chandranapier2259

2 ай бұрын

People like this will either drop you and treat you with a cold shoulder to ice you out or try to get back at you. Either way they’re “helping” you is their ticket to their benefit and it’s an exchange at your expense.

@ericdominguez827

16 күн бұрын

Well said you all!

Don’t confront her about her intentions at all. Do mention he wants to come on the travel too and be prepared to pay for it but stay together. Use that favor to your advantage and set the boundary if she makes a pass. It sucks but I don’t think you should draw this line in the sand until you have to.

Flip the script. How would you feel if your boyfriend was doing this?

I've been there. I ended up in that situation because on some level, I didn't trust or have faith in my own creativity and I felt like I needed to hitch my wagon to someone else to be successful. It was a big life lesson. How can you find the traits you admire in this woman, in yourself? Also very suspicious that this woman now has a repeated pattern of hitting on, and even stealing, this guy's partners. I would stay away from her. I've started reading "Finding Water" by Julia Cameron and her concept of artistic sobriety really hits home.

@LavenderRose261

2 ай бұрын

I will add...this can become a viscous and self-fulfilling cycle. When I was working with my "B," I stopped working on my own creative projects, lost other work relationships, seemed to repel people like a magnet with my bad energy, and lost even more confidence. Once I burned all bridges with him, other opportunities started falling into my life. Were they as big? No. But they were right for me.

Aboslutely agree with Anna here. If I were in this position I would tell this female that this behavior is not okay. Her response would determine my answer. I would not go without him as I have had a female do something similar in which I was naive by putting myself in a position where she took advantage. *Your talent will speak for itself and I do believe it will lead you to success not her.* As Anna said, what is your level of commitment? That is important here, I think.

I came to know Christ in jail in 2013 by reading a book, "Overcoming spiritual blindness" by James P. Gills MD. The veil was taken off my eyes. Heaven came through for me in my finances too, getting $25,000 monthly. I can support God's work and give back to my community. God is absolutely more than enough!

@EtyRejoice-ct2cp

2 ай бұрын

God is more than enough for us, and his mercy is new every morning. Hallelujah 🎉🎉🎉♥️

@CindyLawrence13

2 ай бұрын

Isaiah 45:3 speaks of a transference of riches from the heathen to the righteous... I will give you the treasures of darkness and the riches hidden in secret... I receive this for my household in Jesus' name. Amen!

@Muller8156

2 ай бұрын

He said we shouldn't bother about what to wear or eat. He is more than enough, as he supplies my needs according to his riches in glory. I can't love him less

@Marie_Griffin8

2 ай бұрын

What a testimony!!!

@_Aaron01

2 ай бұрын

I'm genuinely curious to know how you earn that much monthly

Together 7 years? Put a ring on her, dude.

This is a tough situation Val. I can see why you have a hard time articulating exactly what she is doing that feels innapropriate or makes you uncomfortable. What B has been doing is called plausible deniability. She leaves it vague enough to drop hints that she is interested, while maintaining a position she can retreat to if you reject her. Ex. "I was only joking"/"We are all girls here"/"I'm a flirt by nature". She has by your account sexually harrassed you at least once. On the other hand you like her as a friend, respect her as an artist and this could be a breakthrough in your artistic career. I don't think it is an accident or oversight that your partner is not being included in the projects. I also suspect she is well aware of how much of an oppertunity this is for you. I think having an honest discussion about how she is making you and your partner uncomfortable with clear boundaries is necessary if you want any chance at this. You will need to be prepared that she won't take this well and will cut you from the project. It really does sound like she is trying to manipulate you to be closer to her and is likely counting on you to drop your boundaries rather than place stronger ones.

B clearly makes you uncomfortable. Remember your own feelings during the precious hours of your life matter. Life is now. I wouldn't get closer to a toxic person for success, I think it'll mess up your inner freedom and mental health, which I think you need to be your best self in life, to attract healthy friends and opportunities, and to make your best art.

This letter writer sounds like me. I have had such dilemmas in the past, not exactly the same but kind of. And what I have found out about myself is that at some level I knew the answer but was just so afraid to miss the opportunity that I took it and still was not happy. I Think you already know it about your relationship that it is not what you had thought or wanted but you are just afraid to take a leap of faith. Also, I would like to add that never ever compromise on your feelings and boundaries. First state your thoughts about this whole room arrangement and flirty comments nicely ask her and tell her that you would want to stay in a different room and all this makes you uncomfortable. These are all my thoughts and experiences. Hope that you will listen to your actual true voice who knows the right thing to do. Do talk it out with your partner and Boss But first with yourself. It is a huge opportunity, true.

The boss sounds like she loves the drama. I wouldn't trust her to be a reliable person to go off with and center my life around. The writer doesn't mention the boss' professional reputation. Does she fulfill her commitments or does she leave disaster in her wake? She's had a couple of successes, but how much did those people have to sacrifice to her for that success? If it was me, I'd take a day off and go out for a hike or some other physical activity that's not too strenuous, and just ponder all of it without outside distractions. She really needs to examine what her gut is telling her about the woman, and how important her boyfriend is to her.

If I was her,I would walk away from both "A" and "B" and work on healing herself!!... Better no relationship than a bad and unhealthy one!!

Honestly, building an art career/life together with A would be my choice, but I'm assuming that Val and A truly want to be together and are committed to one another. It'll take longer to see success, but it would be more rewarding and bring way more happiness once they both finally "make it".☺The reward for Val is in going through the journey of doing the art career path side-by-side with A, and learning and improving/growing together along the way. And once they figured out their definition of success, it'll just be smooth sailing from there and enjoying the fruits of their labor together. Given B's shady behavior and history with A, there is a risk that doing this rare opportunity is not worth it in the end due to the stress and heartache. Based on my experience with people like B, what I imagine that future will be like is being a pawn in her game and spending my days trying to avoid her every move or outsmart her. Would you rather spend your life being manipulated in B's game of life - or would your rather be the gamemaster of your own life? Val, try not to be seduced by B's promise of success and fame - I call bullshit!! 😁It seems that both Val and A believe they cannot be successful without B. I believe that they both can and will be successful without B's help. As long as Val and A consistently produce good work over time, they will find their own once-in-a-lifetime gig and it'll be so much sweeter!

It’s not hard, not difficult to decide. Do what’s right and ethical… 7 years is something to consider…he has been there with you, for you ( I guess) B and her ephemeral “ opportunities “ will leave the same way she came… Finally, 🐶Stop living with a pet ( B) she can make her own life

I suspect the second this woman speaks to her need for boundaries, B is gonna blow things up and blame it on this woman - anything that makes her question questioning things and advocating for herself and her relationship. I've been in situations like this. It's not a good situation. There are strings attached. And I suspect if this woman is thinking about accepting the offer: (a) there's a degree of excitement in the dysfunction, and/or (b) something is missing in her relationship with A. Or maybe she just really wants the success: She has to decide whether it is worth losing the relationship, her sanity, her confidence, her soul.

Something tells me the bf doesn't want Val to go not because he's afraid of being cheated on, but because he's jealous that she'd get to spend some time with his ex-gf. Clearly, he isn't over her yet and something tells me that if his ex wasn't gay, he'd still be dating her. Plus, seven (!!) years together and no ring on a finger? I know that for some people marriage is not the goal, but Val herself considers their relationship as "deeply committed" yet they're NOT married. I feel like her bf is just stringing her along. That being said, I'd have a serious talk with the artist "B" as well. Making unwanted sexual advances is not cool regardless of gender. This whole situation just feels icky to me and I probably would not go....

This dilemma is very interesting. I think that the writer already has a sense of the right answer .. even in writing the letter. Is the core of it, what will I gain as an artist if I choose an option that causes trouble with the partner that I care about and undermines my ability to be creative as a lot of my creativity (so aligned to libido) will be tied up warding off what does sound a rather predatory type of extremely important artist? I don't know the answer but I also think commitment is a salve in these situations. That said, sometimes we have to test our own boundaries in situations. I agree with all who have commented, I would assess what I would need to soothe my anxieties and ask for conditions to be met. If you get reverb for asking for a space where you can give your best and you lose the opportunity. I would be inclined to think you dodged a bullet rather than be resentful at an opportunity missed. Best of luck with the decision - may your life thrive in all areas.

Nope. I'd stay with my love and do my own thing.

Thanks

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment! -Calista@TeamFairy

Im curious more about the history with that girl - like did she ever appologise for the earlier mess? Why is she still friends with your partner? Did he feel like amends had been made and does he generally feel respected by now, given that its quite a few years later, like did she learn and grow up and acknowledge it was a mistake? Or did he just move on and put it behind him because of the work opportunities? Like are you guys as a couple just honestly friends with her because of her spark and delight, or is it truely her generating opportunities? Its ok to be honest and real about that.. sometimes people like this can be healthy as part of a network for business but shouldnt really be allowed into our home lives, and it gets a bit blurry because everyone in the arts is "friends" - we spend a large amount of time together, often work for free for years with our friends or hold down day jobs until we get a break.. so our networks can feel like lifeblood.. I think you really need to get clear what your honest relationship is to her. Also, if she is truely polyamorous or queer in an open way, shes still not respected your boundaries. Its one thing to have a crush, one sided and own it, say sorry or try to be dealing with it, sometimes the energy is just like that between two people or from one to the other and thats ok, its just life, as long as someone isnt pressing that on the other person, or there is a sympathy where you both know the score and your both trying to just move on and let it be, and let the person get over it.. but thats quite different to someone who has disowned their feelings, isnt trying to move past it, or is indulging their crush, or excusing it as just "creative energy" between two artists. It gets awkward. Sometimes its naievity, sometimes its manipualtiveness, sometimes its the result of homophobia or internalised homophobia that makes people a bit in denial. Its sad when that happens and it's good to be kind, but it still doesnt excuse intrusive behaviour - and even if you were the best of friends and it turns out she really truely isnt into you at all, if it's making you uncomfortable its still something you need to be free to deal with, speak about, and find a comfortable solution for. As a queer person, sometimes we automatically friends zone everyone and do it to keep ourselves safe too, and dont realise how charismatic or affectionate we are being, because its kind of the norm in some queer communities and its totalt ok for others to ask us to tone it down or not hug so much, or ask for clarity or reassurance.. sometimes queer people are extra friendly to try to proteft themselves from aggression, and to try to placate and befriend everyone around them, thats a valid survival strategy and may not be personal. be aware, she may have also experienced quite a bit of homophobic behaviour - ive definitely experiences quite a lot of bi-curiosity and projected attractions by people whove completely disowned responsability for their attractions and messy flirty behaviour - its surprisingly common, and when its happened to me im very clear I've been very generally universaly friendly and not flirty at all, and actually also not at all interested either, and it almost always ends badly because of that lack of ownership, so she may have had a lifetime of annoying small homophobic encounters and just be glad to be feeling safe and caring with a real friend. And not realise how it might seem given the history. But that doesnt sound like the case. Im offering it for context, because homophobia is very real, and plays out in numerous small ways, that actually really take their toll. It sounds a lot more like anna said though, shes made a number of passes at you, that wouldnt be tolerated if it was a straight person saying the same to you, and likewise about sharing hotel rooms etc. It is natural to share alot and spend alot of time on art projects, trust is super important for good art making.. so regardless of what it is, if you've been friends for years, and your partner has been friends for even longer, i dont see why you wouldnt have this all out in the open. You can do that kindly, and be sympathetic if she does have a crush, or even one thats been growing that she didnt realise yet, its nothing to be ashamed of, its alright to need to talk it through, especially if you plan on being friends or possibly collaborators for years to come. But then again, not all friends work like that, and maybe in your friendships and work circles you just shut things down and stuff down feelings, and if thats what you want to do, you can just pledge to your partner to do the right thing, ignore this girls advances and just make the art. Personally i couldn't work in an environment like that, i find it stiffling, and hopefully if she and your partner and pervious friends have been through this poly stuff before even if its not the dynamic now, youd hope there would still be some of those communication skills and boundary awareness going on even though its in this way now. Also, if shes kind of bonded with him, she might feel like your part of his and her world now.. it might invovle some loss for her, to feel shes being let go a bit, as his priority is just you, or she may be trying to place herself more centrally as a friend to you and push him out a little, just as a friend group dynamic.. and, your allowed to be friends and spend time with whoever, but if youve made a commitment to a primary partner, and are not doing relationship anarchy or something, she is going to have to accept that even if you work together alot or he doesnt work with her anymore, you and he are always going to prioritise each other and each others happinesss and including with work decisions, and she needs to respect that as part of respecting you and asking you to work with her and be in her world.. its inherently going through involve him being there a little bit through your love and respect for him... Like if he was her collaborator for the last five years and now shes done and she wants you to be her next collaborator, and maybe wants to complain about why things didnt go so well, or what needs to grow next, you and she need to be clear whats allowed in that conversation, even though its "at work".. because of loyalty. Sometimes charismatic people want loyalty, regardless of sexuality.. and its up to you to hold that amd figure that out for yourself, whats truely going to be sustainable and authenticaly alright for you, and also long term and in hindsight, for peace of mind later on in life.

@5gx673

Ай бұрын

Thoughtful comment

The girl should get away from that triangle that will only end up in problems….. a couple should stay together get married with no third weird people…. B is an intruder, no need to save her. Bye bye B harasser. It’s clear the girl is anotó sell his soul to the devil and it’s not worthy

OP, I hope you can remove your relationship from this discussion, and simply see this as working for a predator. Even if you were single, this would likely a total disaster. Working with a predatory boss is never a once a lifetime opportunity. Perhaps read accounts of women in exploitative jobs or men in exploitative jobs. You will see yourself in how their opportunity appeared to be at the start. I think you should let go of this one and never regret it a bit.

Val: trust your artistic abilities & the public's ability to appreciate them. You've gotten some recognition from working with B already, so use that to move on yourself- maybe with A, maybe not. It seems like you need to define where A fits into all this & what you both want in your relationship.

Hang on, B was 14 when her relationship with A started? He was 21? They were together 9 years he would be 30 at the end if he’s been with this person 7 years. That’s assuming no gap between

If you leave this opportunity and pursue your own freelancing, you'll gain so much confidence in and respect for yourself, through the ups and downs of making a go of your creative process and your business on your own. Even if it doesn't go perfectly, it'll be authentically yours.

You should forget about what you re calling a big opportunity , bcz you might even start that job then if you dont respond well to the sexually drama that the guy boss will certainly bring , then you get fired

Am I the only one who is intrigued by the triangle A and B has formed with the ex girlfriend, before Val entered into the picture? The repetition is not on the limerence, but on the TRIANGLE. - What has B got to do with A's girlfriends?? Has B got a special thing for girls who date A?? B invites Val, A wants to join, Maybe in order to prevent losing his girlfriend to B again? Or could A and B be planning on something looks like a triangle again?? If I were Val, I would turn down the offer, end my friendship with B and demand A to end all his friendship with B as well. A and B got a triangle in bed, for god's sake.. Enough reason to end both friendship and business, if they are monogamous.

I may be in the minority, but I don’t think it matters what her relationship is with A. A only feels like a part of this situation because it’s through A that she knows what a hot mess B is. That said, B is being childish and immature and her big success and fame seem to have given her power that she is using to play with people’s lives just like she did before but maybe now it’s more fun because she keeps winning at her dumb game. B might not react well to being treated like an adult and being told that the flirting and innuendo isn’t acceptable behavior to her and she will only take the job if she feels SAFE doing it, because safety and security aren’t things to mess around with. If B rescinds the offer of the job because boobs are off limits I don’t think the job was worth taking. Keep your integrity, it will serve you better than one big job.