💬To learn more about how to have healthy boundaries with an addicted loved one, WATCH THIS NEXT 👉: kzread.info/head/PLaaJWwIpP_zaSO2T0UAQ7X5elGVsphwIV

@westonsrules6147

4 жыл бұрын

👍🏼❤️😃

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Westonrules!

@paulacate448

4 жыл бұрын

Very important information! Thank you!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Paula Cate thanks Paula🥰

You are brilliant! Even if your child is not an addict - you are providing excellent tools to navigate relationships on every level! It sounds like common sense when you are saying it but I need to hear it over and over because it's those minor tweaks that change everything! Everytime I listen to one of your videos I become calm - you provide empowering sane & effective methods. Thank You!

" boundaries are rules for YOU" excellent!!!!!👍👍👍

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

💖😁😁😁

Could you please do a video like this for spousal relationship? This is good but mostly geared towards parents. Thanks.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Homesteading At The RV Park, Try this one. I think it might be what you're looking for. kzread.info/dash/bejne/lIykxbumctvUhrA.html

I love boundaries. I hate being controlling. I'm going to take notes. ☺️

You have totally changed my way of thinking. Not only does this work with an addict but it also works with my 14 year old son!! I no longer yell, scream or even demand he do things. I simply let what falls fall. IT WORKS!!! For example.. I have always taken his play station and phone at night during school and it was the "worst thing ever because nobody else's parents do that" so now I do not take it and guess what IF he stays up all night HE is the one that suffers because HE is the one tired. Not me. IF he makes a bad grade that is a natural consequence and he knows what his punishment is for bad grades. He likes me so much more now and I actually like myself so much more. My addicted son is now 2.5 months into recovery and I still watch and rewatch Amber daily. WE ARE HEALING!! I put this out there for people to read that it really is that simple. Let the natural consequences happen. It is so good for us in our learning experience. I say that so much I even found where my youngest son had been looking up "natural consequences" My thoughts and prayers are with all of you dealing with an addict.

This is actually very, very helpful. It is still difficult in practice, but this explains something very critical. I always have difficulties setting boundaries and they become punishment or complaints. A side note is, it is also very important for said person to have a healthy self esteem, as well as sense of self, in order to exercise these boundaries.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

You make an excellent point about the self esteem!!!! And a strong ability to emotionally regulate themselves. It's very counter-intuitive!

@annaaijo952

2 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown What to do if you don't have either?

I like how clear your examples are for boundaries, consequences and punishment. Very helpful!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Brenda! You're such a wonderful supporter of this channel. Do you already have access to our online Invisible Intervention Program (Family Recovery)? If not, shoot me an email at amber@hffrc.com, I'd like to give you access to that program. I'm going to be adding a whole new section in the next few weeks about personality and recovery.

WOW! This is SO GOOD! You described a few different scenarios my family has dealt with and we didn't handle it the right way. :( Now we know better. We'll do better.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tayler, I always appreciate your support and kind feedback.

Here's to empowered empaths, who use their intuitive superpowers and know when to say no. You can do it!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Love it!

I am dealing with my 23 year old son. He has been going to a methadone clinic for over a year and still using. I dont want him in my home, but he has nowhere to go. Im afraid. Your videos are making me stronger

I’m going to definitely listen to this and soak it all in several times. Amber, you are THE QUEEN! 💚⭐️

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

You are!

Are you secretly watching my life?! 🤣Your videos are so helpful. They offer practical tools on how to navigate thru this craziness. After many years of fumbling, I feel like I'm finally making progress on my side of the fence!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Wow! I can't think of a nicer compliment! Thank you so much for your kind words 😁

Sooo helpful!!

Thank you. This is very helpful! You have truly helped me kind of take away the guilt I've been feeling for setting boundaries for my family and myself with my husband. It can get to so confusing.

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome!

Thank you for the excellent advise, it means a lot❤

This is so enlightening and important❤️ Thank you 🌸🌺🌷

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome

Excellent advice!!! Thank you so much, I really appreciate your help! ❤️🌞❤️

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You are so welcome, Kandice😁

Great video. Clarifies appropriate actions.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you kindly!

Preach!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

I hear what you are saying. I’m still struggling with my current situation. I am the Site Manager for 2 transitional homes. The people we serve come to us with complex mental health and addictions diagnosis. While we have a harm reduction and trauma informed approach, our policies do not allow for using in the house. Our philosophy is to create a safe space for all no matter what stage of their addiction. We meet them where they are at and each resident has a individualized plan based on their needs. Today I suspended a resident for 24 hours, he is not allowed back into the house for that time. This is a resident who consistently uses in his room. Blatantly. When he chooses inhalation the smoke lingers. His room often has baggies of substance lying around. Dirty needles. Etc. Yesterday staff found him about to inject, so they were escorting him out the door when he stopped, tied off, and injected while still in the house. Another resident who has been doing so well with his sobriety goal walked by in that moment. He told me today that he has been craving ever since he witnessed that. Many of the staff supported my decision. Others however feel I was punishing the addict who has no impulse control by “kicking him out” for 24 hours. For me it was not about punishing him. I feel that his actions create an unsafe environment for others in the house, including staff. My thought process was to provide some accountability for his actions that affect others. We have no problem with him stepping right outside in the back yard to use, however he continues to choose his room or the bathroom. Am I punishing him? If so, where can I go to seek some answers?

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

It's extra complicated when you're running a treatment center or recovery house. You have to balance the needs of the individual with the needs of the other residence. My thinking has always been this.... If someone is messing up but they're trying to get it together, then fine. But if they're putting other people at risk, that's different. I don't know all the details but it's possible that this client needs a different level of care. If they're seem to want to get better, then I'd suggest a higher level of care. If they're in a pre-contemplation stage of change, then they need a lower level of care (to work on motivational enhancement).

@peterlyons8793

Жыл бұрын

Stop doubting yourself and keep taking control.

This is great advice. But my grown daughter is beating me. If I tell her to leave my house, she refuses. In Florida,you can't kick out a person living with you. She's 42. I'm 65 and disabled. Natural consequences.... people who beat up their mom or anyone should go to jail. The police here were called and she was not arrested.

Could you do a role play where you tell the addict your boundary?

Can u do a detailed video, On how to live with an addict?

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Jane, thanks so much for watching my video and especially for taking the time to comment. I love your suggestion, but it's a huge topic. I think that would take a whole series (if not more!) Can you narrow that down for me just a bit?

@jenniferking3316

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown maybe something about how to deal with the stress and how to protect yourself from the trauma. What do you do when you know your child is about to die and no one will help you? What kind of resources should a person look for? What kind of signs of use can you find in thier room? You're correct Amber that's a gigantic topic because there are so many things your dealing with in that darkness. How do you deal with the shame and go out into your community again because sometimes the shame is so heavy its controlling everything. You can't even go to family functions because you just don't want to deal with their opinions. They really don't get it. They've never been there and being a recovered addict gives them some knowledge, but that's not the same battle I've taught both. How to handle the shame guilt, and depression that come with living with an addict would help a lot of people. I'm not sure if other people feel the shame of going out into the community but I come from a very small town. There's only 3 stop lights in the whole county and they are three blocks apart. Everyone knows everyone and if your child is in active addiction it is hard. People you barely speak to will kinda chase you down in the store to talk about it. I could not handle all that. I got so depressed that I couldn't really get off my couch. I couldn't even force myself to clean the house and many other things that are activities of daily living. After three years of that I made a daily list to overcome depression. I started small I really had to list shower or get dressed everyday and I begin going to another town where people didn't know us. I know I put a lot of information in this post so I don't know if that helps break down that huge topic but I do hope it helps. People living with addicts really need advice and help because as I've stated before it's like stumbling around in the dark. Thank you for all you do. Keep it up you're making a huge difference in peoples lives. God bless you and all that you do.💖💖

Good afternoon listen to your videos keep it up you're doing a great job wanted to run this by you I notice and Recovery there is a lot of young people that don't know how to wash dishes do their bed get up early go grocery shopping and other things that adults would do now I don't have that type of problem and and my type of drug it's opiates a downer I just can't get to the next step I was clean for 5 years return back to the same place same people same environment but I had a probation officer that kept me on straight soon as the probation was over my son passed away and I fell right back to the same rut now I am here dealing with it again now I am having more problem because I am older and realizing that there is nothing here for me anymore I had a business for 27 years sold it want to get in something else but the disease has me stop just contacted a detox program but it's been 2 months I have not heard from them I contacted them on Monday and they say they're still waiting on a bed or whatever they're doing I am going to do this again and I am going to take this time to learn again and try to not come back to this I have a toxic relationship with my family and my new girlfriend she is good person but I don't know if she is good for me she loved me and supports me but sometimes she don't believe in me or wants too much for me I don't know what I should do that's why I am reaching out to you as a drug counselor and a counselor maybe you can help me make these decisions I know they say you can't when you on some type of drugs but I'm not dumb lol why I am reaching out for help thank you and enjoy your day and keep helping I want to do the same I want to move from here and help others in treatment or something I think that is my calling but I don't know thank you again

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Manny, You definitely have a lot going on, and you're trying to decide too many things at once. I don't think you have to wait a year or anything, but I'd prioritize what you need to figure out first, second, third, etc.... Loosing your accountability (probation officer) and your son at around the same time is a recipe for disaster. It's no wonder you've had a hard time. It's difficult for me to effectively advise you about treatment because I don't know the details of your situation (other than you're very open, willing, and ready to make a change- which is a HUGE piece of the puzzle). The other pieces of information I'd need are... Are you still actively using? Is so what and how much? (this will help me understand better what level of care you need) Are you trying to find a FREE place, use insurance, or do you have the resources to pay out of pocket. (this would help me understand better what options might be best for you).

Show a video what you can do with a kid involved living with you and no place to go

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Is it a kid less than 18 years old?

How to keep everyone on the same page. I have issues with my kids. They don't understand why there brother is like he is. They are not talking to him and it has put us having arguments.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Toni, Siblings are often angry about the situation. It's good to let them have their space and emotions. Have you seen this video? It might be helpful, Campbell briefly talks about this issue. kzread.info/dash/bejne/iKF2qKqlh7PAYqw.html

Boundaries or Consequences: my addicted daughter used my computer all day long looking for an air bnb to go to next. All day. That night, she decided to go to the little gym in my condo complex so I took the computer because I listen to your vids as i go to sleep. she asked how she could get the computer after i'm asleep because she needs to watch things in case she can't sleep. i said i was using the computer for the night. i didn't want her coming into my bedroom late and waking me up to get the computer. she lit into me as she was talking on the phone to a guy who has been completely enabling her for years. now i want to take the computer with me as i do my errands today. is that punishment or boundary? or i can say she says 1-2 hrs to use the computer today. i really hope she finds another place to go to. she's been here for five days and i've been not engaging too much, which was working, but now i'm feeling pressure in my abdomen and didn't sleep well last night. it's amazing to me how she is a tyrant with people and they still do what she wants. and she does nothing to contribute. she told me someone called her a parasite and i see that clearly. i love her but don't like her this way.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Hi Rita, you could say that not letting her use the computer is a consequence of treating you so badly last night. (because it's not reasonable to treat someone like crap and then ask them for a favor. It's just not how the real world works. ) It's all about why you're making the decision. If you're keeping it from her because your trying to control something she does then that would be punishment. The bigger issue is how to put a boundary on her being in your house (and treating you terribly).

@wonderfulpeoplesavingtheearth

4 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Thank you!

I have a child in prison for selling drugs. He is constantly asking me to put money on his account. He gets a part of it and the rest goes to paying down what he owes in fines and feed. He also asks for items that I can order from a catalog likes clothes, radio, fan etc. I did send him something from the catalog for his birthday but of course the requests keep coming and coming and he tries to manipulate me. I feel it is not my responsibility to pay his fines. I also think that he needs to deal with the consequences of selling drugs and that jail is not supposed to have the comforts of home. How can I best deal with all the badgering ? I find myself second guessing these decisions . I don't want him to think that if he pushes enough he can get what he wants.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

I would decide on a clear black and white boundary that doesn't leave room for bargaining. You could say you're not sending any more money at all. Or you could put a set weekly or monthly limit. He could spend it on what ever he chooses. You definitely want to get out of negotiating each individual thing.

Is having a boundary of distancing yourself if someone who continues to drink in rehab and there’s a child involved really a punishment (cold shoulder) or protecting yourself and your child from getting back on their roller coaster. Cause they just continue to drink in a sober home and I’m not sure how there getting away with it but I’m trying to let natural consequences fall on them without calling to rat and be “the bad guy” am I learning something watching your channel?? 🤪🙏🏽 I hope so I just dont want to help them with rides and spend time with them when they aren’t even trying currently they’re are drinking maybe not as much but pretty much as often and I think they have caught him and he’s just not being honest with me idk

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

It sounds like you’re on the right track, Rach. As far as distancing your question about distancing. A lot of it depends on your intentions. If your distancing to protect yourself/child then that’s a natural consequence. If you’re doing it to try and teach a lesson then it falls into the punishment category.

What if the adult child doesn't agree that they have an issue with addiction (all the time). After countless issues (lies, jail, lost trust, anger outburst), we have backed off in quickly responding. Now that covid is here jobs are difficult, we are now being asked to help with rent. We are willing but have been asked that the 30 year old to live with one of us for 30 days. So I think you are saying this is wrong? If we are signing a lease, shouldn't we be allowed to have peace of mind that they can controling the drinking? This is not simple. Thank you.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Sherri, Here's my playlist on dealing with someone in denial: kzread.info/dash/bejne/d3hq2NN-mpm6ppM.html

@sherriboover1540

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you!💖

Do you deal with adult attics that have young children and a husband

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

I deal with all kinds!

I have a situation where my daughter is in a rehab center and wants to just go through the detox and then go back to her home her apartment and we think she should come home. Last month alone she was in detox four times this will be the fifth time I really think she needs rehabilitation she’s been through rehab a couple of other times but I’m really afraid if she returns back to her apartment where she lives by herself works by herself and doesn’t really socialize she’s isolated. I Don’t think that will be the best thing for her but I know it’s not up to me. So I told her I’m not supporting that but she needs to find a way back to her apartment herself and then I’m done rescuing her every time she has to go through a detox .I honestly don’t know how to handle this. She says she wants to help but she never follows through with the programs they get her I’ve given her all the tools all the support but God I get it’s so hard to sit and watch your fall.

AMBER YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Awwww, thanks Crissie!

Why are you differentiating between alcoholics and addicts? That seems like you're making one better than the other when actually they're the same.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi Tori Lyn, I agree. Alcohol is a drug and it's all the same!

@sunflowerz54

3 жыл бұрын

No they are not!! Research is needed on this subject

@torilyn7181

3 жыл бұрын

@@sunflowerz54 there's be a ton of research on this recently. The specific mechanisms may be slightly different, but fundamentally, its exactly the same. What makes you so passionate about this subject? Why do you think they aren't the same?

❌️punischment ✅️ consequences ✅️✅️✅️ boundaries