Make sure you check out Part 2-(5 Steps To A Better Relationship)

@val6189

4 жыл бұрын

Put The Shovel Down Where is the next video?

@sarahmiller662

2 жыл бұрын

How do you address the "victim " mentality with assertiveness?

Over the last 10 years I have facilitated between all 3 of these. Through counseling and faith I am stepping into a different role. It is hard, hard, hard to break these patterns. Addiction is an all encompassing family disease.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Sheryl Kilpatrick what a hopeful testimony! Thank you so very much Sheryl.

@jodyrn03

4 жыл бұрын

Sheryl Kilpatrick amen

All these examples had me nodding in recognition of myself. I was caught in this cycle really hard for the first 10 years of my marriage until I realized I was codependent and started on the journey of self awareness and recovery. My husband and I are both children of addicts and we are trying so hard to do better for our family but it is a daily struggle and I’m looking for counseling for all of us to help break these patterns.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

I love your insight and humility! Impressive ⭐😍

Thank you for putting in to words what I've been experiencing 🙏 I'm in Alanon and working on my people pleasing tendencies and setting loving boundaries so I can let go of this resentment and be the me I'm meant to be.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Wonderful! 💖💖💖

I enjoyed this video , it breaks it down really well. I start at rescuer then victim , then pursecutor, it sometimes feels like I've got 3 personalities it's so frustrating because I really don't want to be any of them. I just want to be the nicest person I can be. Its almost like being on a really fast rollercoaster that u just want to get off !

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You're right Julie. It's exactly like being on a roller-coaster!

Ewww, I spin on that triangle wheel big time. Thanks for letting us know NORMAL people go through this too. A very helpful touch. Thanks ladies I introduce as the rescuer/victim. I've advanced nicely to the persecutor though. Wow, really interesting stuff.

@PutTheShovelDown

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much for the nice feedback!

Being a rescuer would be ok if we could actually put boundaries in place. I feel rescuers end up becoming bitter eventually because there are no self boundaries or boundaries set for others. Were people pleasers. We give and give until we are burnt out and then we burst .but we do it to ourselves. We offer. We say yes to everything. We have no boundaries.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

That's exactly right Lindsey!

This video was so eye opening. Thank you Kim!!!

This video is brilliant! What an eye opener. And your candor and humor as counselors is most compelling! Thanks ladies!

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much! 😊😁

This is SO good. I’ve watched it twice, took notes and took many levels of understanding from it. Thank you both so much!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Our pleasure!

This is very interesting, my starting gate position is the rescuer.(whoops) Can't wait to watch part 2 of this video! Thanks, ladies!

@PutTheShovelDown

5 жыл бұрын

I'm with you at the starting gate!

When Kim said 2.5 seconds . . . 🤣🤣🤣Voice Inside My Head said OH HELL NAW! Somebody fittina acknowledge me, or things gonna get crunk! Not for 2.5 seconds either, maybe not even for 2.5 days! My ex would prolly argue 2.5 months!

@PutTheShovelDown

4 ай бұрын

😅🤣😂🤣😆

I’m a rescuer - I wear my halo, then a while later whip out the pitchfork!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Love it. Great insight (and humor) Susan

It feels like the majority of us cycle between the three roles and if you're a single parent, it's even more intense. Now, if you're one of the few clean and sober people in a family it's ten times worse. You don't want to be any of the 3 roles, but can't escape. I fall into both categories and just want to know how to get out of it. Where do I find the tools?

It’s amazing to watch some - particularly when under the influence - or wanting to fi d a reason to be- cycling between the 3 like a crazy person- thank you for the awareness -

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Glad it was helpful, Cathryn!

I’m a trauma PTSD retired Ph.D. social psychologist & always hated this term! Especially as a feminist. I make known (like you) why I dislike this term & concept, & replace using the term with ‘enmeshed relationship.’ Not perfect, but better than using… Xxoo Dr C

My starting gate position is rescuer. Trained as an engineer and for problem solving. However, solving other people's problems isn't easy, and it is a distraction from solving my own problems. I don't understand problem makers or crazy people. So this makes me pretty incompetent as a rescuer, which leaves me to play the role of rescuer, which can switch to persecutor for failing the victim and to the victim when being punished for failing.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You get an A+! I can tell you really understand this✨

Dealing with manipulator and liar made me sick. I am dealing with drug addiction partner for 7 years. How to protect from those personalities.

I'm the rescuer helping my son, then I get angry at my son, so I stop talking to him. The next day I end up calling him like nothing it's happening.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

It's such a viscous cycle. We've been there

My starting gate is definitely the rescuer!

Wow. I am all over this triangle

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

You definitely not alone on the triangle. We all get on there from time to time

My Notes: This video is PART 1. The PART 2 video to this video from this channel is entitled "Stop the Power Struggle In Your Marriage" the text on the thumbnail graphic is "5 Steps to a Better Relationship". This video explains the Drama Triangle and its common and typical roles and functions in addiction and dysfunction relationships.

I go back and forth from all the parts.

Rescuer for sure !

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

I can relate!

Hi Amber, Hi Kim, I feel from my perspective there is no such thing as a Rescuer Victim or Drama. It is a situation that needs Resolve in Positive Solutions with Positive Results. It all depends how one percieves it all. From my perspective and for me and the person/addict it is all about Mentoring! Yes Mentoring. One has to make that very clear to the person/addict so there is No confusion on either part of the team. One thing I do find it is a very repetitive routine, though it truely works. Patience is a key as well. One does not do victim drama rescue etc. The only way is in Mentorship as well as making sure you have a good solid team all the way around in all professionals. It is all a matter of Choice. Interdependence is the key! Great teamwork!💞👍👍 Let me know if I have been and am on the right page Amber. Always love your help! Thank you both very much.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You're absolutely right Sandy. It's so important to stay out of the drama and remember your own healthy boundaries.

@user-vf3fg1gl7pMsSandy

3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Hi Amber, Yes Absolutely. Thank you soo much💞👍👍

Exactly, my kind, wonderful husband is an addict..he is an abuser, he is a relentless lier and pffft's at me like I am making things up when I smell alcohol.

We all have family baggage we carry around with us.

Like the presentation.

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Danielray!

@danielraypickrel4316

2 жыл бұрын

The decision of continuing our conversation about a possible public conversation will have me taking a deep dive thru your past videos. Thankyouthankyou.

Super video! I applauded for $2.00 👏

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Wow, thank you so much for the applause, Nina! 😁😁😁😁🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩

I would say I am usually the persecutor. Constantly critical.... Self bullying justification for bad behavior

It actually depends on how the other person is acting towards me which role pops out of me ,then One second after I react I regret it and think that was not how I should have handled that !!! I always seem to be cought off guard by my addict or his( blameing everyone else) girlfriend I They snap really fast from loveing and kind to mad and vicious , That darn triangle has magic powers of instantly sucking you in ! I get so mad at myself for my spontaneous reaction telling myself you knew better ! I know I try to hold everything in and then bam ! Like you would think I'd have this under control by now but addicts tend to have new people in their life often and it's a new Drama triangle ! I feel I need a bark collar to train myself not to speak

I think rescuer. Becuase I feel like I'm better than others. Just being honest. But I have done great work with my therapist on this stuff.

Ladies so when is it the addicts fault? We are just never supposed to react or hold them accountable? I'm sorry I love most your content but you guys are seriously invalidating the feelings we as the loved ones feel ...when we are being abused. Addicts are abusers and some of them do NOT learn. Every person who is abused by an addict is allowed to feel offended by the heinous treatment. This comparison of a bad situation getting to a parking lot is NOT the same as being upset at someone who abused you and ruined your life. I think this was a no for me. As someone who is actively trying to help an addict this video invalidated everything we as the ones on the receiving end feel. Addicts are extremely destructive

@thiaann7650

5 ай бұрын

I agree with you 💯

Where is part 2!? What’s it called?

I would be considered the rescure. However I always say that all the things I have done for him, Was really for me because I want him. I never list of what I've done. Does this change the way he views my actions/words?

Hi great video, my starting gate position is the rescuer. Can you put a link in the description for the second video, I can't find it. Thanks

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

I think this is the one you're looking for: kzread.info/dash/bejne/eqB3ususZ9Ctmrg.html

@KlasseCaldiny

3 жыл бұрын

@@PutTheShovelDown Thanks!!

Does Kim have a separate channel? Where can i find her videos

@PutTheShovelDown

10 ай бұрын

Kim doesn't have a seperate channel, but she does appear on here from time to time. She's a bit more shy than me, so It's a little harder for her. I try to talk her into it, every chance I get. S

Starting gate rescuer, then eventually the prosecutor if I feel taken advantage of.

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Brenda Reed is you got it Brenda. I’m also a starting gate rescuer.

SO 🤔how do you avoid the drama? Okay these roles may be recognised by viewers but what do you do to avoid these responses?

Start as persecuter and then rescuer

I AM SORRY I DID NOT KNOW HOW TO HELP. I AM SORRY IF I MADE IT WORSE. VERY HARD TO WATCH A PERSON YOU LOVE FEEL THE SORROW I KNOW HE FEELS.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

It sure is Barbra 😥

I started as the prosecuter then the rescuer then the victim then stayed in the rescuer mode for a good while then I realized that I could not save them so I just watched the destruction go on and on ! As a mom it hurt to watch him hurt himself so badly in everyway . addiction is cruel to all involved . I felt I had to be strong and just say you can change some things if you want to but you can't expect people to react different to you over night . he didn't really like hearing that but I have to be honest to him . and yes I'm sure he knows this already . I have been trying to be the cheer leader when I hear or see something positive . I have also backed off Alot . kinda like let the cards fall where they may . I know he is in control of his life . Alot of buts here lol but if he is trying to do something positive even if I don't really think it's the right time I do help some but not in less he is makeing the effort to help himself . I've been the rescuer way before his addiction A single mom without family around it seemed like I needed to help becouse there was no one else . did you see that I just became a victim then the prosecuter lol I've played this game in my head along time ago .maybe becouse my first child is 38 then one 26 then one 19 last one is a girl . I'm of 4 sisters and we had 9 boys and I had the only girl . it's been rough lol I was a little wild myself in my days going thru high school in the 70's GEEZ!!! My daughter started college last year . I'm 59 . My hopes are to stay mentaly strong . Things are so different from my up bringing . . Everyone was raised to be a survivior back then .If you wanted it you better go get it and you were either loughed at or scolded for whining lol The big difference I see is all the material stuff and texting ! There is not much coping skills being learned hiding behind a phone that does everything but touch someone ! Sorry for the rant .im being a prosecuter at the moment lol All jokes aside I'm really desperate to get myself right in my role as a mom that needs to be a friend . hard to do when they live down the road .All my kids have made remarks growing up about me always just do what ever it takes to get it done . put the feelings aside becouse they just slowing you down . ya going to have to do it anyway .the sooner you get started the sooner it's over . if we have worked 10 hours we might as well work 3 more and be done ECT. This has been me .I had to be my own motivation and cheer leader all my life .I have been a helper since I can remember . it went along with the time that I was raised in . so I guess I helped Alot and expected Alot . I don't know if that fits with today's up bringing of children . but at my age I might as well not give up trying now . I'm going to just keep watching your videos and see if we can teach this old dog new tricks . love your videos

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Jody Pixley hi Jody, you’re got great insight, a good sense of humor, and a strong work ethic! You got this!

How do i find the info for being a part of the family recovery program ?

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Hi C, you can go to www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/ to learn more about the Family Recovery Academy

Where is part 2 of this please?

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Julie Law hi Julie, this is part 2, kzread.info/dash/bejne/eqB3ususZ9Ctmrg.html

Im a rescuer that build s up into a dragon 🐉

Definitely the rescuer🙄

12:21 plot twist. I don't need 3 players for this game, I can take all 3 roles in my head. Oh-no.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

100% good insight. We all do this at times

Rescuer

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

You're in good company!

So what happens if your the persecuted and the rescuer?

@PutTheShovelDown

Жыл бұрын

Actually most of us, play all three roles. We may have a "main" role, but one role triggers the next. For example. If you play the rescuer role, you'll eventually feel taken advance of (victim role). Feeling taken advantage of will lead you to feeling resentment. You'll wind up saying or doing something mean (or passive aggressive) because of your resentment, which puts you in the persecutor role.

Ugh...I think I'm each of these depending on the person or just the time of day! 🙄 😭

@PutTheShovelDown

2 жыл бұрын

We've all been there!

What if the victim was actually a victim of abuse to begin with ? Then what? And the rescuer saw some if it as a child and wanted to help? Then the persecutor got mad at the victim for being mad at the abuser? Such a messs!!!!!

Why is it bad to remind someone not to drink and drive

@lindseygreen2161

3 жыл бұрын

It isnt that its necessarily a bad thing I think they are more speaking on like when we kinda are condescending ro others and constantly remind them of things they already know. Which is really because we know they know that but we dont trust that they will make the right decision and thus we keep nagging and reminding them repeatedly.

Victim then persecutor :)

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

Good insight.Emma 👍

Persecuted or rescuer

@PutTheShovelDown

4 жыл бұрын

Brave confession Stacy. We all fall into these roles sometimes.

And as all of this is going on the narcissistic has gone out in backyard drinkin' beer

My daughter is codependent to her abuser who’s a drug addict. She refuses to break away. She’s already in therapy but still refuses to end the relationship. How can her brain be reverse? She’s addicted to this person. Probably lobotomy. Lol.-So Frustrating!!!

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

I hear you BB1! Getting someone to quit a person is way harder than getting someone to quit a substance! That being said.... All the techniques I teach families about how to motivate someone to get into recovery will also work in you situation. Not sure if you've seen this video, but It's a real life session where I talk with someone about making a change. In the video I use a technique called Motivational Interviewing. This is a specialty technique used to motivate people (who are ambivalent) to change. www.familyrecoveryacademy.online/motivational-interviewing-session

@badchunky1

3 жыл бұрын

Put The Shovel Down Thank you! Watching your videos always gives me hope just when I’m about to give up.🙏💫

@teramariee2659

3 жыл бұрын

I stayed 16 1/2 years with someone I met at 17, walked away from family, defending behavior when he was stealing things to pawn and commiting check fraud. I wanted so bad to not have a broken home I stayed. Over the years it got worse with constant up and downs, never being able to pay rent, power and having enough for food. Ugh, I was guilted and eventually three years went by I moved away from my friends and family, couldn't bear shame or what would result even talking to someone. Now building back my relationship with my grandmother and brother, lost a brother years ago I regret. Just be patient and when time comes, knowing you are not alone after this abusive isolation helps heal the heart. Prayers 🙏 for you!!

This was a good video except for the disparaging of Mother Theresa. No reason to put her charity in the role of rescuer. Very different motives.

@PutTheShovelDown

3 жыл бұрын

That’s a fair point!