I've never heard the phrase "loving someone to death" put to such good use.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Maxine - It's done far too often without people ever meaning to. Thank you for calling attention to this.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

@@CandacePlattor Hi Candace, im late, very late to this video. Youre so right, l never mean to enable, l am realizing that my responses to abuse/antics, are not good‼️ l thought it was super nice of me to help calm their beasty episode & then treat them as if they'd never did anything wrong. ...but l would be nice, too tooo fast & too quick l'd be happy.....l hoped they'd see that mommy always loved them & was always was in their corner.......but Candace, didnt that only create a round-around fast cycle to happiness,???

It's so natural to want to help the people you love without questioning if it's taken for granted or abused, or even detrimental. I think this is a really helpful talk to kind of take a mental stocktake on how your love is actually being received.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Cedrick - I'm so glad you understand the difference between helping and enabling behaviours. It is never a loving act to enable an addict - which only serves to keep them stuck in their addiction. We have to love our addicts enough to do what is best for them, even when it might be uncomfortable for us.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

Cedric, You wrote that so Very well..... Im going to use your words "how our love is actually "taken"‼️‼️‼️ dang that connects with me.....THAAAANK YOU‼️

It's refreshing to see a topic like this finally being discussed. Our conditioning has lead us to accept so much that should be unacceptable.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Donna - I absolutely agree - such as addiction being a 'disease' that we are powerless over. I have a disease - Crohn's Disease - and I know the difference between Crohn's and addiction. I can't get rid of Crohn's but I can be rid of addiction, if I make the choice to do the work it requires to do that. And as a loved one of people with addiction, I saw first-hand how different things became when I stopped enabling - from a place of love, not punishment. We CAN do something about this!

This is me with my 33 yr old. It is scary. Best message I’ve heard on this topic.

Man, this whole thing is going to be such a shift for so many people. The enmeshment and co-dependency most of us live in is ridiculous

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

HI HasNain - I completely agree with you. And most of us are taught from early childhood to be codependent and enmeshed, so the shift you're naming sometimes takes quite a while to happen. Sounds like you're really on the path to learning how to make that shift and I'm really glad for you - and for the addict you love.

2022, the year of boundaries!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Oscar - what a wonderful idea for this year! This world would be much healthier if we could all know our boundaries, and then set and maintain them.

I remember working with a client who used a wheelchair and had an intellectual disability. We were working with him to understand budgeting and what he could purchase with the money he had available. On one day he became very vocal that he wanted a donut AND a soft drink despite not having the funds. As we tried to talk to him about options, a lovely well-meaning on looker bought him a soft drink and the donut and offered it to him. Obviously, the client was very happy, and it was a very generous thing to do, but in the long run this act wasn’t helpful. The next time we tried this activity, he became vocal and abusive before we could even discuss how much money he had for treats that day. Sometimes, boundaries are vital in acts of love.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Janice - what a great example of how necessary boundaries are when working with all kinds of issues - not just addiction. If your client had asked in a different way for what he wanted, getting it for him may have been warranted. But to have someone who feels he is entitled to have whatever he wants and who tries to be manipulative and belligerent to get it - and then actually has it given to him - is not, as you point out, going to be a helpful or loving act for him in the long run. Thanks for sharing!

@nostalgic3ctasy433

2 жыл бұрын

@@candaceplattor2531 I get that, good advice thanks. (pays to read the comments)

@ryandetorie

2 жыл бұрын

good analogy!

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

A circumstance, you Nicely told

A lot of strength is needed for this

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Liam - you're right, it does. It doesn't take strength and courage to do the easy stuff in life. And - if we don't do it, if we don't change what we're doing, just imagine the years and years of pain to come. So even though it's true that this can be difficult, it's easier than just letting the unhealthy behaviours go on and on.

Learnt helplessness is a huge problem across so many care industries and movements. The greatest thing we can do for a person is not to support them and find a way to make their life easier- it is to sit to the side lines and cheer them on and remind them that you believe in them. Yes, there are something that people will need help with, but this does not necessarily mean doing it for them.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Carly - I totally agree with you! Resilience is developed by doing the next challenging thing, and then the one after that. When people don't believe in themselves, they don't take the healthy risks necessary to develop that resilience.

It is really hard when the model of a ‘good person’ is to help and be kind. Society worships this kind of person.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Averi - that is SO true. And especially for women, we are supposed to be totally self-less and giving -- allowing ourselves to be trampled on. What we need to do instead is to not buy into that - because being like that with an addict who is choosing to remain in active addiction just keeps them stuck there. Having no boundaries is neither a loving nor self-respecting way to be, and it only serves to hurt everyone involved. Let's build a new healthier paradigm, where we are looking out for ourselves and also having loving boundaries with others. Let's not love our addicts to death anymore - and sometimes ourselves in that process. Let's love them - and ourselves - to life!

@suebakernottly

2 жыл бұрын

agreed!

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

@@CandacePlattor anddd even when they conquer the addiction.....the behaviors, antics & verbal abuse lingerssss

The toughest love is setting free, and thats what this is..

2:55- toxic triangle. Invaluable information.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks, Mini Powers!

@dudley4318

2 жыл бұрын

yep, thats good!

This is my family, addicts and enablers...

Standing ovation thankyou

Gosh this is such a good question, sometimes you enable people without even realizing it.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Kinsley - my simple definition of 'enabling' is when we do for others what they can - and should - be doing for themselves. Sometimes people do this on a fairly consistent basis - and when an addict is being enabled like this, what incentive do they have to change anything they're doing?

I know many people who don't even understand what this means - so my folks out there think that unless someone is living to their personal standard, they're struggling. I know people who enable because it helps them get what they need out of the person, makes them compliant, complacent.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Shannon - many people do what "works" for them, and what I mean by that is that they indulge in behaviours that shield them from having to do the challenging work of going within. Thank you for your comment.

I think some of the best advice I've gotten is to not help someone if it's going to hurt you, no matter who they are. Her opening story really reminded me of that.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

And another really good "rule" is to not work harder than the other person is willing to work - especially not on a consistent basis. Doing that only leads to feelings of resentment that can poison relationships. Thank you for sharing that advice, forsaken-lover.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

@@CandacePlattor Definitely!

So many lives could be saved if we took this sage advice

@janetsplace1953

2 жыл бұрын

I agree

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Maureen - I so completely agree with you! Please feel free to pass this talk on to anyone you think it could help...

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

@@janetsplace1953 Thanks Janet - as I said to Maureen, please feel free to pass this talk on to anyone you think would find it helpful.

"BOUNDARIES" is the key!

Tough Love, so needed so true.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Glenda - yes, what so many people don't understand is that 'tough love' IS love - and to me, having clear, healthy, respectful boundaries for an addict is the most loving thing we can do for them - and for ourselves. Enabling an addict keeps them stuck in the addiction - and how can that be loving? So we need to allow ourselves to be uncomfortable while we learn to love our addict TO LIFE. Thanks for your comment!

I get this, too many people in my family are like this, they take take take, I need to stop giving.

Yes. Thank you

Candace gives us a powerful talk about the dangers of being too nice and loving too much the addicts in our life. Congratulations. This message is long overdue.

@CandacePlattor

5 жыл бұрын

Thank you, Roger!

@candaceplattor2531

Жыл бұрын

@@wwlt.trevor0512 Unfortunately, "tough love" has gotten a very bad reputation over the years. The truth is that tough love is love - and sometimes love looks like "No." Sometimes saying no and setting boundaries (and learning how to maintain them once you've set them) can be the most loving thing we can do, especially for an addict in active addiction. To me, that is what loving an addict to life is all about.

Great presentation and congrats on over 32 years of sobriety! I love how you offered clear solutions to the issue. The two triangle theory is an innovative way of explaining the cycle of addiction to families and/ or enablers. Keep uo the good work, Candace :)

@nextgendynasty

2 жыл бұрын

Such clear solutions! A revolutionary way to view these damaging dynamics.

@johnpederson3085

2 жыл бұрын

Agree 100% from the family of an addict..

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Lauren, thank you for your kind words and I'm glad you received benefit from what I said. I've just celebrated 34 years clean and sober - and if I can do it (especially from the bottom I experienced), anyone can if they make that choice.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

@@candaceplattor2531 hm the two triangle theory = damaging dynamics ....helpful words to make me see better

this is the perfect message, that many of us that love addicts need to hear. Thank you

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Lisa, I'm glad my message hit home for you last year! If you're still struggling with this issue, remember that we offer a free 30-minute telephone or zoom consultation - just go to our website and fill out the questionnaire.

I really needed this info

I wish every one could watch this and fully take it in. Boundaries are not there to separate, or drive away, they are there so that each individual has the best chance to thrive by taking control of their own lives.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Lily - I love what you're saying here - what a lot of wisdom and clarity you have! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.

I appreciated the frank and honest talk, and do not disagree- boundaries are absolutely necessary for health, in ourselves and our relationships. What I am Curious about is your stance on "safe injection sites" and providing addicts with their drug of choice - I understand the harm reduction model, but based on what you say, this is hugely enabling an addict?

There are so many difficult aspects of addiction to navigate, thank you for drawing attention to these behaviors and dynamics, awareness leads to understanding!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Bob - many thanks for your comment. It's so important for loved ones of people struggling with addiction to know that this can all change, if we just do the things that will make that happen.

Thank you.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Kelli - you're very welcome - thanks for leaving your comment!

Solid. And needed.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Natale - I'm glad I could help! Thanks for your comment.

An incredibly important message that the world needs to hear. Talking about the deadly dangers of enabling is becoming something that needs to be a conversation we all should be having.

@CandacePlattor

5 жыл бұрын

Thanks Tania - yes - there are still so many people who are enabling the addicts they love so dearly, not yet understanding that by doing this, they are actually 'helping' their addicts to stay in active addiction. We really do need to be talking about this a LOT more, so that they can learn how to do things differently.

@Geoffpaxton

2 жыл бұрын

Could not agree with this more. Love with boundaries is healthy yet so misunderstood

It is a truly acute problem you’ve touched, as any addiction provokes a great number of additional problems. And it all becomes a huge snowball rolling down the slope at a high speed, right in your direction, and will definitely bury you alive if you’re not acting right.

I've had a few friends end their lives, usually after years of self medicating. I look back and see I was enabler, their families, enablers. I see now how my "support" enables me. But when we barely have the capacity to survive, how do you get past the part when you just have enough energy to pay the rent, pay the bills, make sure there's food.... Where is the time and energy to fight these demons? Sometimes it's just easier to say yes and hope that tomorrow will be brighter, that there will be more time to make better choices.

THANK YOU!!!! This is what I needed to reassure us to hold on!

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Lynx - oh yes, please hold on! When we learn the ways to really help instead of enable, whole families (including those who are addicted) can and do recover - I've now seen this in thousands of families over the years. Don't give up - and reach out for help when you need it.

Thanks so much, Candace, for your much-needed talk. The beauty of it is that it can address that feeling of helplessness that the loved ones of addicts may feel as it points out that there are actions that we, the enablers can take to improve our situation.

@CandacePlattor

4 жыл бұрын

Thanks Mona! Sorry to be so late responding to you - I appreciate your kind words!

Wow. This describes my behavior.

No one has the energy to love and care for each other in a way that counts anymore

@gobigorgohome1161

2 жыл бұрын

thanks for the share D...

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Declan - I think that when we learn how to love and care for each other in healthier ways, this opens up our energy to be able to make that love and care "count". And it makes our own lives much easier!

sharing right away

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Gwendolyn - thanks for sharing this. There are so many many people /families that are going through this situation, with no idea how to respond in healthy ways. So I really appreciate your willingness to help by telling people about my talk.

I'm so glad she's sharing her story, it's crazy how medications like that can so quickly turn to addiction and shame. Thank you for story Candace!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi TurboSlayer - thank you for your compassion. Most addicts feel a lot of shame - and also feel a lot of pain. When we can help them heal the origins of their pain and learn how to live life in healthier ways, we also help them let go of that unnecessary shame so that they can have much better lives.

Wow Candace way to paint a picture! I've never been in this situation but I really felt the anguish within all that.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi William - thanks so much for your comment. I'm glad for you that you're not in this situation - so many people are these days! Thanks for being open to the information.

These people who put you in a position where you feel you have absolutely no choice or else the outcome is on you destroy you from the inside out.

@TheRubenZepeda

2 жыл бұрын

so true

@lakylewashington

2 жыл бұрын

I am living this right now with my partner, I am being ripped apart from the inside out.

@keranskeckter

2 жыл бұрын

I am going through this right now too.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

That really is how it feels, thx

Great advice!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks Shuree - I'm so glad you found my talk helpful!

Congratulations on your sobriety!!! That’s amazing!! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Thank you so much, Charm - I did this talk 2 years ago and have just recently celebrated 34 years. I never thought that could ever happen, so I'm living proof that addicts can change. Please don't ever give up if you have an addict in your life - but do learn the best ways to actually help them.

Thank you for sharing your life experience. Unfortunately, only very few are ready to face their problem and accept the fact that they need to act already now. They have to be strong, give their love and help, and set boundaries to help their loved one who’s in trouble.

@Geoffpaxton

2 жыл бұрын

Hopefully talks like this can help

this is so much easier said than done.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Gabriel - yes, it's hard to learn new ways of dealing with issues like these - but not doing it also creates so much pain. Sometimes we have to choose which pain is better...

My friends and I talk about this all the time as we are attempting to unlearn behaviours that do not serve us. Enabling runs rampant in our community.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Kaleb - I hope you and your friends continue to talk about this. Enabling unfortunately runs rampant in all segments of society. If we could stop the enabling that so many are doing, we could stop the addiction that is also continuing to run rampant as a result of that enabling.

You never get a good nights sleep when your loved one is struggling with addiction, especially when they are living on the dangerous streets.

@CandacePlattor

Жыл бұрын

Hi Butterfly - I know - this is a very difficult situation that you're in. Still, the fact remains that if we continue to enable addicts, they continue to stay in active addiction because they don't have enough of an incentive to choose a different life. Protecting and rescuing them from the inner work they need to do only serves to keep them - and you as well - stuck in that tragic cycle.

I relate, my dad was always drunk!

I’ve never had an addict in my family circle, or among my friends, thank God. Ok, those with coffee and chocolate addiction, each second or third. And even these, seemingly harmless addictions need to be treated. I’d love to have a friend that would always remind me that 10 grams of dark chocolate is the limit for me. I’d love to have someone, besides my feeble inner voice, who would tell me: the second cup of coffee today is out of the question. Think about your heart and skin... I would love to have someone to set those boundaries for me.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Florencia - I so appreciate your honesty! I used to feel the same way, until I learned how empowering self-respect can be. I lived for a long time without self-respect - and now it is non-negotiable for me. Now I AM the one who tells me that I can only have so much chocolate in a day, or that the 2nd cup of coffee will make me feel jittery and uncomfortable, even though my tastebuds love them both. I really love how wonderful it feels to look after myself, to treat myself well. And I'm glad because now I know that no one else can do this for me anyway - not really. I'm sharing this with you because I hope that you someday know the pleasures of self-care, and that your life is filled with self-respect.

I just had to break up and kick out my boyfriend of 7 years. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever done but she’s right. I have to say NOPE even though it’s hard and painful.

no body has the capacity to stand their ground anymore. so many are just looking for a quick fix. sure, it's great if you have the resources and support to ensure that someone gets help, but it's so rare these days.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

I agree! No resources like family, programs, help, etc . . .

When the enabling stops everything changes. Candace, I agree! Now how can we get society to buy in?

@CandacePlattor

5 жыл бұрын

Yes, Lorelie - that is such a great question because loved ones believe they're helping when they're actually enabling. It's really scary for them to try something different - but - enabling is NOT helping, and can actually hurt an addict more.

@joshuajames6977

3 жыл бұрын

Don’t get it twisted. We should still be enabling good an positivity in the world. “Enabling” in and of itself is not bad.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

@@joshuajames6977 Hi Josh - I appreciate what you're saying. I like to keep the concepts of 'enabling' and 'helping' separate because people do tend to get them confused. I love the fact that you want to 'enable' positivity in the world - and I hope you'll never stop!

I've seen this happen, and been guilty of it, where you completely lose yourself in loving someone because you haven't set any boundaries for them OR yourself. Definitely a good thing to be learning about.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Evan - yes, this is a different way to approach it - and in my opinion, it is much more "loving" than being enmeshed with no boundaries. When we do things that actually assist an addict to stay stuck in their addiction, how can that be a loving act? I really appreciate your comment.

woooooow. yep. sounds about right.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for your comment, Jaspta!

This is such a powerful, clear and essential talk. I feel like everyone, regardless of circumstance, needs to hear this talk. People in your life might not have physical additions, but emotional addictions can be just as dangerous and are often harder to realise you are enabling. This is a talk for everyone.

@jordanjpatterson

2 жыл бұрын

Nice - thank for sending me this, and yeah this is what Jack needs bro...

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi John - thank you so much for your kind words - and yes, I definitely agree that emotional addictions can blow a person's life apart too, just as physical addictions almost always do. I hope you'll share my talk with anyone who you think could benefit from hearing it - thanks!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

@@jordanjpatterson Hi Jordan - I hope that whoever Jack is to you, that he can benefit from you having heard my talk and making any changes you need to make, to give him the opportunity to recover from addiction. Please stay strong and feel free to be in touch with me if you need some support.

@ReggieTime

Жыл бұрын

Exactlyyyy

I know a few people I must send this on to

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Space Freak - great name! Thanks for your comment, and I do hope you'll sent this on to anyone you think could benefit from seeing it. There are, unfortunately, hundreds of thousands (plus) families all over the world dealing with this exact problem - and don't know where to even start to help make it better. By sending this on to even one person, you could save lives and help a great many families.

Boundaries, I keep hearing of them everywhere. We've lost our back bone, no body knows how to say no these days

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Charles - indeed! Here's hoping that the more the word is spread about boundaries, people will begin to better understand that setting and maintaining them is often the most loving act there is for everyone involved.

Brilliant title here, surely enough to rope a few of us enablers in. Heh. Definitely something I need to be working on but it's difficult when enabling goes both ways

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Damian - I'm not sure what you mean when you say that enabling is going both ways. Usually it's the loved ones who enable the addicts, not the other way around. Feel free to tell me more, if you want to.

I just don't know where to draw the line. It was under control for a while, but now he relapsed. It's not like he's asking me for money or ruining family dinners. It's just me worried sick late at night thinking "is this the time he gets hurt or cheats or goes to jail".

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Anna, one of the most difficult awarenesses to come to is that we are powerless over what other people do. I'm not suggesting that you stop being concerned about him - I can see how much you care about him. What I am suggesting is that you set some healthy boundaries with him, if you haven't already - and learn how to have a good life for yourself regardless of what he chooses for his own. It's very possible that when he sees you doing that, he'll decide to choose a better life for himself too - but - even if he doesn't, that doesn't mean you have to live such a difficult life. Your life matters too!

Enabling and closing your eyes to such a huge problem is like pretending not to see an elephant in your room, and trying to live with that as if it’s not there. It will not go anywhere, and living will eventually become unbearable. You have to face it, look at it with your eyes wide open, and do something about it.

how long have we been around? And we are only now realising how boundaries work and how important they are

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Sue - I know - it's strange how long it's taken us as a society to realize this, you're so right. But many of us ARE starting to understand this now, so that can only be a good thing!

I joke with my friends that I am an enabler. If there is something they want to do, I will most certainly encourage them. What is funny is that I often ask ‘do you want me to enable you?’ before encouraging them and even if they say yes, they always double guess what they are doing and think before they act despite my ‘encouragement’.

I am often so scared that I am this person taking from my loved ones like this. I don’t know what else to do, I don’t know how much it too much to ask. I ask them and they tell me it is fine, and I assume that is because they want to protect me. I say sorry and thank you, but I don’t know if those words even have meaning anymore. Those people in my life who put in really clean boundaries give me comfort because I know exactly how much I can ask, it makes it less confusing for me even though I am sure it is hard for them.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Carl - your comments lead me to think that you would like some help with recovering from your own addiction - and that some people in your life continue to enable you to remain stuck while others show their love to you by setting loving and respectful boundaries with you. I really respect you for thinking about all of this and for being so honest about it. If you'd like some help from us at LoveWithBoundaries, we would be happy to have a FREE 30-minute phone or zoom consultation with you. Just go to our website, fill out the Questionnaire and submit it, and then we will get back to you asap to set up a good time to talk.

I’ve seen strangers or slightly familiar people that could definitely be addicts (judging by their look or smell): alcoholics, drug addicts... And you know what they look like? They look lost, miserable, helpless… yes, they do scare me, because I am a stranger to those addictions, and what we do not know always scares us. And when I look at them, I always think of those who are near them every day. Are they all alike? Or are they different? What do they do? How do they live? What could have happened that the person chose this path? And the most worrying question will always be about their future. Do they still have a chance to go back to normal life? From what Candace said, I understand that only love with boundaries has a chance to bring them back.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Beverly - I really appreciate your thoughtful comment and the empathy you have when trying to put yourself in the addict's shoes, or in their loved ones' shoes. People get into addiction by first trying a substance or behaviour that makes them feel better - that's what they are initially looking for. But then, often without realizing it, addiction takes hold and they feel like they no longer have a choice but to use those substances or behaviours. (They DO have that choice, but it doesn't feel like that to them.) For many people, there has been some kind of unresolved trauma that is underneath addiction as well. If the loved ones don't set -- and maintain -- loving, respectful boundaries with the addicts they so dearly love, those addicts stay stuck in the addiction, not knowing how to get themselves out - and the loved ones generally continue to enable the addicts. It's a classic lose-lose -- and if nothing changes, nothing changes. So it's usually the loved ones that need to make some changes to what they themselves are doing FIRST. Thank you for all your wonderful questions!

The title for this drew me in before anything else. I just don’t know how to do this.

It can be so hard to watch someone you love destroy themselves, especially when drugs or alcohol is involved but ultimately you can't help them unless they want to be helped. Best to just cut them off.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Jakob - I understand your feelings. Maybe, before completely cutting them off, you could tell them that you love them, and that when they're ready to get help they can let you know. Until then, you don't want to witness them ruining their lives this way - because you love them, not because you don't. What do you think?

when you come from a family that enables it's hard to recognise. but here's to healing from transgenerational trauma and being the cycle breakers!

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Jay Jay, I couldn't agree more - and it takes a lot of courage to be those cycle-breakers. I appreciate your willingness to take that role on!

How did you get help? Who did you reach to? Did you access a rehab? Therapy? How did you pay for it?

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Da House - I might be the wrong person to ask because the whole system has changed so much in the 30+ years since I decided to be clean and sober. At that time, I reached out to 12-Step meetings, then to residential 30-day treatment, and have been in therapy on and off since then - because I believe that everyone needs a therapist, especially therapists! I was able to get govt assistance here in Canada because I was on welfare at the time - I wasn't able to work at that point. If you need some help figuring this out, a free outpatient clinic in your area could assist you - or you can fill out our questionnaire on the website and have a free 30-minute telephone or zoom consultation with someone on my team. Good luck to you!

“ we can solve this” regarding enabling. It’s time I look at myself. What ami doing and why?

@CandacePlattor

Жыл бұрын

Hi Jennifer - yes, looking at ourselves - what we're doing and what we can change - is the beginning of what can be a much healthier relationship with the addicts we love. I'm wishing you all my best as you do this.

I have been through so much with my daughter. She is 43 now and still drinking and getting in trouble. I have been an enabler. But where can she go for help the streets? The gutter? I have looked into programs. It cost $8,000 for 28 days for a simple program. I am retired Widow with a fixed income. If I stop loving or helping her, she will end up in the worst place ever possibly death. If you don't have money there is no help. What do I do?

@melancholikak6844

4 жыл бұрын

Does she have no insurance? Can she get on Medicaid or state help? That's how my BF daughter gt into rehab and a halfway house

@CashThat4U

4 жыл бұрын

Pray for her but allow her to figure it out. Truth is; she may die in her addiction! But you're not God...I know! I love an addict! But I'm releasing him because I have no power over overs.

@millstreetteut7835

4 жыл бұрын

Look up Amber Hollingsworth Family Recovery

@olgaflores5805

3 жыл бұрын

Qesff

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Barbara, it's wonderful that some people here are wanting to help. We all know how devastating it can be to love an addict who is choosing to stay in active addiction. What if you said to her "I love you so much, and because I do love you, I'm not willing to support you in active addiction anymore. When you choose recovery, I will be there for you in every way I can. This choice is up to you and I know which one I hope you make."

My partner has been ‘quitting’ smoking for over a year. I don’t buy them for him, I also don’t try to take responsibility for his quitting, I know it must be his choice, but I am at a loss for how to help him in anyway get a grip on it as he keeps telling me this is what he wants. Do you have any advice?

easy said than done, when he is outside of your work for hours begging and begging for money, when he is nocking and nocking at your bedroom door at 2:00 in the morning begging and begging for money, and you have to get up and go to work. there is a time that you give up and give them the money. They take you money, your life. Its not that I don't know how much damage it is to give him money. its not easy :-(

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Cecilia - you're absolutely right, setting and maintaining boundaries isn't easy. But what you're living with isn't easy either, and you get to make the choice about whether you'll learn a different way of dealing with this or just continue to be awakened at 2 am and feeling horrible about yourself every time you give in to the demands. We can help - just fill in our questionnaire on the website and we will have a free 30-minute telephone or zoom consultation with you so that you can make a start to learn about setting self-respecting boundaries. It's such a better way to live!

Painting with a broad brush, but is this harder for women? We are just kind of taught as women to give and love and to keep the community together. It is an unspoken rule and women often feel that it is their roll to nurture everyone. There is some pride and being a martyr for your family and friends as a woman.

@candyengelhardt

2 жыл бұрын

So true Julie!

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

I think you're correct, Julie - as women, we are taught to be self-less and to do for others. As a society, we need to change this way of thinking - for women and for men alike.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

@@candyengelhardt I agree with you and Julie, Candy - she makes a very important point.

@julienewmans

2 жыл бұрын

@@candaceplattor2531 yes, thanks!

True but she really doesn’t go into it enough as to what this looks like every day. It’s much more complicated with the scenarios you find yourself in. I wanna say ok well what do I do when this happens or you get an emergency call or they have severe mental illnesses etc. it’s a learning process, don’t give up on them, just don’t enable them, easier said than done. Sometimes you don’t know what to do and you have to live with yourself at the end of the day.

@CandacePlattor

Жыл бұрын

Hi Butterfly - yes, I understand what you're saying. TEDx talks are only about 15 minutes long and I packed in as much as I could in the time I had. And yes, you do need to live with yourself at the end of the day. A question you can ask is, regardless of anything else, did you help or did you enable today?

I know parents who set boundaries not letting them in, leaving them on the streets and these young people died. These parents are now walking deaths.

@candaceplattor2531

Жыл бұрын

Hi - yes, I know this can happen. Some people do die out there, unfortunately. Some die by overdose in their parents' homes too. It can definitely be horrific. But when the families can work with someone (like those of us at Love With Boundaries) who is trained and specializing in working with addiction in this way, a lot of what you're describing can be avoided. I'm sorry to hear about what happened for these families you're talking about.

Our family is very isolated, with the addict living alone with rare connections, so it feels like there isn't a lot of leverage. Do you have advice for families who have already made boundaries, or may live out of state?

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Elisha, I would have to know more to be able to give you an appropriate answer to this very important question. If you'd like to have a free 30-minute telephone or zoom call with a member of my team so that we can help you in a better way, go on my website and fill in the questionnaire. Once we receive it, someone will get back to you ASAP. I know it's been a while since you wrote this comment - my apologies! - and if this is still an issue for you, please don't hesitate to reach out.

I don't understand why this was "flagged.' Her talk isn't only about her experience. It's about enabling in general, plus she has years of experience as a counselor, so she sees these problems every day.

@CandacePlattor

Жыл бұрын

Hi Michelle - I couldn't agree with you more! I have no idea why my talk was flagged either. But the good news is that the fact that it was flagged hasn't stopped a lot of people from seeing it - and hopefully being able to get some help from it. I appreciate your comment and your opinion!

@laurens6697

8 ай бұрын

Because she speaks about addiction as a choice and not as a brain disease. Addiction has choices as part of it, but the research and evidence of the field supports that this is a disease without a cure, and it follows a pattern of relapse and remission. I agree with a lot of what she says about enabling, but her theory of addiction is not supported in best practice and current knowledge of the field. She also glosses over the fact that many, many folks are cut off from their families and anybody enabling them but still continue struggle with the disease because enabling is not the only piece of the puzzle, many times trauma and other complications play a huge factor. These things require and deserve treatment before change happens.

What if they are 72? And appear to be on their last years of life, and have been to rehab before and recovered, but after the last recovery it took 8 years to get public housing, and then did not realize she had relapsed for couple of years due to all the lies and denial. And they are your mother and nobody believes that she is using meth and look at me like I'm crazy for ratting her out. She's elderly after all, she's your mother, take care of her. The only thing rehab did was make her a more savvy user, she picked up a lot of tricks in there.

We are in the "medicated age", no doubt about that. Lack of access to therapy, instead we're a bunch of zombies looking for anything that will help us feel alive.

@audreylstamford

2 жыл бұрын

agree with you Russ!

@therealfocusguru

2 жыл бұрын

Yeah it's pretty sad what it has come to.

@lostnlonely669

2 жыл бұрын

this sort of awareness, looking at the symptoms and causes really help

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Russ, Audrey, Focus Guru and Lost n Lonely - Yes, I agree too. Addiction (of any sort) is really a signal of what's underneath it, of something that's wrong in our lives that we're having trouble facing. If any of you are in this situation, please feel free to reach out to us at Love With Boundaries or to someone else who can help you take a look at what's going on for you, so that you can stop trying to cover it all up with addictive behaviours.

Oh come on... Chocolate

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Djuna - haha, yes I can see why you'd question that! And yes, I've had far worse addictions in my life - but I can tell you that chocolate can have a really tight hold on me if I'm not careful. I think there are probably millions of people all over the world who understand how that feels! Of course, I'd rather be addicted to chocolate/sugar than to opioids and benzos - but it's still a situation that this addict needs to be careful about. Thanks for your comment!

This is great...but they make the money, they pay the bills, they buy themselves the booze. Now what? I've stopped picking up the cans. I've stopped turning off the lights and the TV and making sure everything is safe around them when they "fall asleep". What more can I say NOPE to?

@ThisPaintingLife

2 жыл бұрын

living there

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi loony1032 - I know you wrote this a year ago - and if your situation is still really bad and you've tried everything else, you might want to consider not staying there. Sometimes that is enough for the addict to sit up and take notice - and get help - but even if it isn't enough, you (and your children, if you have any) can still live a really good life if you're not burdened by someone else's ongoing addiction. I'm wishing you all my best.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

@@ThisPaintingLife Yes, Louise, I agree! Our lives can improve exponentially when we make the decision to stop being burdened by someone else's ongoing addiction. I appreciate you trying to help someone else on this page - thank you!

Addiction is not a choice!!! She keeps saying if you choose to live in active Addiction.

@candaceplattor2531

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Michele - I'm glad you raised this very important point. Let me explain - I don't believe that anyone deliberately chooses to become an addict. I know I certainly didn't! But there comes a time in every addict's life (including mine) when we know that our lives are a mess. We see other people living better lives than we are and we know that we're not doing so well. THAT is the choice-point. That is when we each get to choose whether we're going to stay in active addiction or move on to recovery in some form. Think about it this way - if staying in active addiction wasn't a choice, I would probably still be using - or I'd be dead as a result. Many thousands of addicts the world over have made the decision to stop - and there will be many more to come who do the same. I hope that helps you understand what I mean about choice in addiction.

hahaha and look at the majority of boomers freaking out while their kids set healthy boundaries.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Oliver - yes, it can go both ways. Enabling is enabling is enabling - and it's never a healthy dynamic in a relationship of any kind.

It's refreshing to see a topic like this finally being discussed. Our conditioning has lead us to accept so much that should be unacceptable.

@nikolaihlazarev

2 жыл бұрын

thank you for sending this to me.

Where I am from, addiction is something that most do not talk about. And supposedly I am from a developed country. The lack of facilities we have to actually help people is sad. So many would rather keep repeating the cycles than advocate.

@CandacePlattor

2 жыл бұрын

Hi Betta - I agree, and the advocating needs to be done in a way that actually helps addicts, rather than the enabling that keeps them stuck in the addiction. That is also something that is hardly ever talked about.