sitting down and talking to family members is impossible when they will not listen to you in the first place....

I grew up in low income household in Los Angeles. I am the first to go to college, actually I even earned a Masters degree. While in college I utilized the on-campus therapy and worked on myself. I bought a house. I’m the first to have an actual wedding. I am in a healthy marriage and have a child. Of course my cousins stopped talking to me and spoke poorly of me. They are jealous. Instead of feeling proud or desire to improve their lives, they chose the cheap route.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Isn’t how toxic relationships can be formed through jealousy. You broke out of the mold because you strove to be more. I broke out of the mold by simply existing outside the framework of tradition. In both situations, toxicity was created because of expectations to stay within the confines of the familiar. To go a step further than dealing with renegotiating family contracts, we could say that the very first step is in renegotiating the contracts we have with ourselves. Why are we so entrained and engrained in small ways of being? Is it out of fear? And when there is a total embrace of accepting the unfamiliar as part of life, then perhaps toxic relationships are less likely to form because the relationship with ourselves is harmonious to begin with in the first place. Thanks for sharing and inspiring new reflections for me.

@halleysky8005

Жыл бұрын

I always thought that bourn in a low income home is a blessing, otherwise you don’t grow up having a sense of been grateful!.. they can take everything from us .. but not this !

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@halleysky8005 experiencing obstacles and overcoming them is very much part of the human experience. Financial or otherwise. You’re right. It’s exactly the story of the lotus. Without the appreciation of moving through the mud, the lotus will never blossom into its’ full beauty.

@Wandertheworldwithme

Жыл бұрын

@@halleysky8005 that is so true ♥️

@sevetlanca

Жыл бұрын

Well done Yvette, you are an inspo

If they want to change you, they do not love you. Do not ever compromise on your right to be unique...signing a contract means that you are willing to sacrifice something. It took me 51 years to walk away from an extremely toxic family and won't ever "negotiate" my happiness with them again.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

@conversationswithadrianne

Жыл бұрын

I'm happy for you.

@GwenRN

Жыл бұрын

I bet you are breathing easier and don't have a headache. Tender condolences for the loss of hope and take care.

@cn6712

Жыл бұрын

@@GwenRN Thank you dear. I honestly still pray for all of us to be united.

@lesliengo8347

Жыл бұрын

👏

The Chinese household statements hit hard. I feel the constant need to fulfill their obligations. Everything from marriage, job, and daughter obligations. It is overwhelming and scary.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Know that you’re alone in it. And that you have every power to shift things into more alignment with what you want for your life.

@daoyang223

Жыл бұрын

I just want to work, do my music, make a lot of money and buy my mom a house. But everytime I talk to my uncles, they always pressure me into just marrying someone. Always want me to do things they want me to do.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@daoyang223 it’s a difficult one. And it’s a common one in Chinese culture. The obligations of what it means to be Chinese male is toxic in the culture even if it comes from a place of well meaning intention - it creates pressure that is not of your own choosing. You can try to renegotiate through difficult conversations. They might get it, they might not get it. But just remember to stay in your truth unwaveringly.

@joannayeung3705

Жыл бұрын

Sister, I feel you. Please stand firm. Live your life. Because they will soon pass, so you will learn to be independent and live your own life.

@minghui5199

Жыл бұрын

@@daoyang223 You got this!

5 STEPS OF RENEGOTIATING FAMILY CONTRACT 1. 8:36 Hear + let them know that you did ===> create empathy 2. 9:22 Communicate your true emotions clearly ===> they can understand the effect of their words on you 3. 9:42 Demonstrate (without blame) your understanding of where they're coming from + where you're coming from ===> prepare for the 4th steps 4. 10:22 Request what you want in the relationship 5. 10:44 Offer them the choice to click "agree" ===> they can decide for themselves + you will have a definite answer 11:24 Does this guarantee success? 11:40 What do you do with a "No"? It takes courage to let go of s.o who can't support you as you are. But if you can find that courage, the reward is you can live unapologetically as you. Renegotiating your family contract doesn't guarantee success/acceptance/..., but it does guarantee that you gain more courage + a new level of self-respect. I am learning to choose myself.

@charnitaarora

Жыл бұрын

❤

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the notes

@Cesiajd

Жыл бұрын

People don't change, when I told them to stop humiliating me they stop for 2 days and then they start again even with more hard words.

@HauteBabe

10 ай бұрын

Yea. That's where l am... They just gather more ammunition to make me sound more weird and more crazy, and l'm dreading their wrath even more. And l remind myself- l am middle aged. I live 7000 miles away. But then l grieve for the good times we had when l pretended, and played the game, and didn't stick out, and for what could've been.

@yellow3170

3 ай бұрын

​@@CesiajdYour right alot of people don't change. This is one womans ways of handling her mil. Everyone is different. So I say if mil can't respect you, then make PERMANENT BOUNDARIES.

This message is what people need to hear. To be unapologetically ourselves without the guilt and shame of family contracts. Thanks Johnson for this inspiring talk!!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Guilt and shame unfortunately are unconsciously woven into the way we are parented in order to elicit desirable behaviour. Conscious parenting in conjunction with renegotiating our family contracts is definitely how we need to move humanity forward on the micro level. Thanks for commenting.

@HeartlightHealing

Жыл бұрын

M. M. ZMm

"I just wanted my parents to choose me" hit like a brick

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for connecting with the topic ❤

@chumchum4393

Ай бұрын

Me too.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” ~Plato

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

@judyschaefer9609

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for this beautiful reminder!

A parent with mental health issues like mine couldn’t enter the contract; the mind is not sound. But the constant abusive interactions have to be enough to distance yourself. It’s not easy either way. Stepping back and finding self love is a journey. Thanks for sharing! Great communication skill technique. Wishing you continued Joy!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

It definitely isn’t easy either way. Thanks for sharing.

@debrashepherd7359

Жыл бұрын

I am in the middle of this very situation! Its exhausting, painful and i do not enjoy. Keep loving you. Hope it works out

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@debrashepherd7359 a big virtual hug to you. You got this.

@silviaborgers4105

Жыл бұрын

it is so difficult. Never been heard, still traumatized.. and feeling guilty at times.

@danielleach8735

Жыл бұрын

@@silviaborgers4105 It is indeed very difficult... voice of experience speaking. Be strong, it may take a long time but it does get better.

I don’t understand how loving your kids unconditionally is so difficult for some people. For me - there is no other choice. It’s like a biological, instinctual all consuming, unavoidable reality. I love my kids so fiercely and there’s nothing they can do that will ever change that. I will love and support and protect them until the day I die and hopefully after that too. Their happiness is my happiness. Period. And I don’t think this makes me special or makes me a good mom. It just is what it is. I have no control over it. I can’t turn my feelings off and on and nothing my brain says will ever override what’s in my heart. And I simply just can’t wrap my head around there being another way. Edited to add: And I’m not being judgmental. I’m not naive and unaware. My own parents have let me down. I just think it’s sad....and way beyond my ability to understand.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

@mattod12

3 ай бұрын

​@kristinecrowley8321 @@johnsonchong2093 I believe the commenter's feelings are genuine. Unfortunately, the sentiment of unconditional love can also be distorted by parents: I (the parent) love you unconditionally and therefore my actions are always justified. Or, I love you unconditionally so I am write and you are wrong for placing conditions on your love.

@MartinGarcia-xl6fg

6 күн бұрын

Most people don't even love themselves and aren't aware of their insecurities before having kids...that's why they aren't capable of giving unconditional love. It's a sad truth!

So we’ll done. Thank you! I was raised in a violently abusive, neglected family of ten children. We are all adults now, but the dynamics between us all is toxic. While I refuse to interact with my siblings in any way; they don’t know where I live or have my phone number, I nonetheless, feel tremendous compassion for each and every one of them. Certainly, my life is more peaceful without the challenges of trying to decipher the hidden meanings, the jealousy, the unresolved childhood issues, and the general dysfunctional habits. I have recently been diagnosed with a degenerative disease and I know my days are numbered. I am so relieved to have found a new family who do love, value, and care, for me. All I can wish for each of my siblings is that they are as lucky as I have been. They all deserve it.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your story and for stepping out the the drama paradigm. Much love to you 🙏🌈

@OllieT123

Жыл бұрын

I wish you continued love from your chosen family.💗

@MarcosIsABaritone

Жыл бұрын

@@kikis_stuff Let's not peddle non-science medical advice to people who make an admission about having a pernicious disease. We should wish them little pain and peace. That's all.

@MarcosIsABaritone

Жыл бұрын

@@kikis_stuff I'm going to choose to see your naïveté in the light of well-meaning kindness. Bless your heart.

@minghui5199

Жыл бұрын

Stay safe.

I was surprised at the one in four statistic of family estrangement. There are so many people out there just enduring. This is a tough topic and he really spelled it out very simply for people to understand. Congratulations to you sir. I’m glad I don’t fit into my family dynamic, the holidays can be particularly painful. And congratulations for staying so calm during an emotionally charged discussion you are courageous.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your comments and for watching the talk. Happy holidays and new year to you

This hit on a different level since I was also born into a quite conservative Asian family. I finally decided to move out of my parents' place last week and my payment for the contract went through today. I've struggled my entire life to meet the expectations my Dad had of me academic wise and in other aspects of life as well - such as I should get married and have kids... I know it means things are going to get quite uncomfy as in I would be lacking a lot of things that I took for granted as I lived at my parents' place and it IS a bit scary to stand on my own feet solely without anyone's help, but I know "living as myself unapologetically" is really important to me whatever the cost. Thank you SO much for sharing this beautifiul message, Johnson. It couldn't have come at a better time. I hope whoever's reading this can also find the courage to live as who they truly are!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your story and also for diving into living unapologetically as yourself. I am so happy to hear this.

@soniathegemini1593

Жыл бұрын

Couldn’t agree more! I have the same story.

@GwenRN

Жыл бұрын

When my friend and her siblings turned 18yo, the Parents gave them luggage- to move out! They were all excited to get the Luggage, they couldn't wait!! Personally, my home life was fractured, ( no drugs, no alcohol, no abuse, just a lack of nurturing) and non-sensical, so I moved 1200 miles away to save myself. I've had a beautiful life, parts of it sucked, sometimes boring, tragedy+ lawyers- all the flavors! It all works out, AND we are spirits having a human experience. Good for you!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@GwenRN yes indeed. I agree. Blessings to you. 🫶

@musicallife3981

Жыл бұрын

Make the move! Do it.

Great information, unfortunately only civilized open minded individuals will want to make an effort. There are some family members who just don't care and are unreasonable individuals. They don't care if your feelings are hurt all they care about is what they want. Some toxic family members are rude, manipulative, selfish and narcissistic.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yes and in that case you break up ❤

@tommyparkerparker

3 ай бұрын

Unfortunately out of nowhere.

How to break up with your toxic family-so important. I had to do this similar process years ago…and amazingly a decade later my mom and I were able to “renegotiate”. Unfortunately, my father chose not to. Thank you for sharing your idea worth spreading. Brilliantly said. So powerful and useful.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

It’s definitely not an easy choice to let go of family relationships that are toxic. Thank you for sharing that.

@carolnahigian9518

Жыл бұрын

I was scapegoated by both parents and their 'fave'... 3 uglybullies

@ddhqj2023

Жыл бұрын

Not sure what your particular family dynamics are, but here's a question....is it always that family is toxic or can it sometimes be more case of a toxic relationship WITH your family? Couldn't it be that the personalities and ways of thinking are like oil and water and there's absolutely nothing in common and as a result, too many expectations on both sides? Just a thought.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@ddhqj2023 for sure the Expectation is a two way street. The biggest traffic jam that leads to toxicity is the lack of communicating them. Once they are communicated, and there is a respect in agreeing to disagree then, fantastic. If not, and it affects how you live, then choices need to be made.

@sarahmoorman6936

Жыл бұрын

I am so sry! I hope there is hope in the future for restoration but if not, proud of you for doing what you needed to for your mental health! ❤

I was raised in a dysfunctional family environment all my life. The blame was always placed on my father's alcohol abuse. Only after my father's death... I began to understand and remember how and who the actual troublemaker was - my toxic mother. Unfortunately, my alcoholic father wasn't totally responsible for our family disfunctions. Now, more than ever -I am scared of my mother's toxic lying nature. She has already established my sister's good faith and both my immediate family is making me the scapegoat. I don't imagine I can ever get my own family to understand my concerns and emotions.

@musicallife3981

Жыл бұрын

Same. Did you find a way out?

@jozica1213

Жыл бұрын

@@musicallife3981 Same. I did find my way out. It was so liberating experience. I never restore my relationship with my parents. They both died and I'm happy with my decision. I have relations with siblings now (after 20 years), but very superficial.

@sarahmoorman6936

Жыл бұрын

I hope you can but try to find acceptance through Jesus who loves everyone unconditionally and by loving yourself if you never can get your family to care about your concerns and emotions the way you should. I know how you feel. I feel very similar.

You speak so eloquently and gracefully about such a tough topic. thank you so much for sharing your truth. i needed this talk so much during this time in my life.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic 🫶

@gjthomas9770

6 ай бұрын

​@@johnsonchong2093Dance, dance 🕺... If you wanna dance 🕺. I even know the leader of the techno trance !

I love how you break down the steps for people who feels comfortable to speak with their parents about renegotiating, a chance and hope to preserve the relationship under a new contract. I also applaud your courage for coming out and speaking your truth to your family. As a Chinese, I know how much turmoil and challenges that can cause to you and your parents (and relatives). Not to mention, the emotional suffering pre- and post the breakup. Unfortunately for many of us, we skip the confrontation and gone straight for the breakup because our parents aren’t capable of sitting down and talk like adults. Yet, this is a great educational piece for us who have chosen the off beaten path to deal with family separation. You’ve given us who suffer in silence and shame a voice and place to be heard and seen. Thank you Johnson!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for your message and for resonating with this topic. I appreciate you 🙏

The delivery... the whole presentation. PERFECTION.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating 🙏

@lucilepatterson6190

Жыл бұрын

There was no bitterness in him.

@Liale2011

Жыл бұрын

@@johnsonchong2093do you have social media? I would love to follow your content.

I like how this is applicable to any toxic “contract” or “relationship”- live life on your terms. I’ve seen other content from this person before about facing trauma head on and find it very helpful. Great to see this video from him.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing and for resonating.

So enlightening and profoundly thoughtful…reminds me of how true this Rumi statement is: “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Thank you!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I love that quote 🙏

I never ever in my life felt so much pain from family hurt,rejection and isolation. My family hurt me last year,believed something I never did and when the truth came out they tried to come back into my life but them not believing me the first time was the deepest cut through my heart.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I am so sorry that happened to you.

It's always complicated to deal with toxic family relationships...

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yes indeed

My sister and her friends subjected me to years of emotional, mental, and physical abuse. When my father was ill and required care, it was left to me to care for him - she had to take care of her own family (I also had a family, but that didn't matter to her). When he died, I was left dealing with his estate. The only thing she said about it was 'Call me when you sell the house'. When I sold the property, she betrayed me and ripped me off to the tune of about $26,000.00. I'll never speak to her again. There is no dollar amount that would convince me to even sit in a room with that horrible monster for a single minute. I have spent years doing all I can to kick her out of the real estate in my mind.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I am sorry that you had to go through that. Thanks for sharing.

Had to do this 7 months ago and am so proud of my courage to do so. I think about it now and realize, what I was doing before wasn't actually "living", it was living under a contract of someone that wasn't me for fear of not being accepted. Thank God for therapy as we leave these contracts!!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I’m so happy that you rewrote a contract and moved through the fear of not being accepted and leaned into your truth. I love hearing that. 🙏

@AudreySeybold

Жыл бұрын

That’s it! Living in fear and under a contract until it makes you sick.

5 step method of renegotiation Step 1: 8:37 hear the other person and acknowledge Step 2: say how you're really feeling Step 3: connect your stories - demonstrate without blame Step 4: 10:35 request for what you want in your relationship Step 5: 10:48 invite them to click agree

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for being the first person to take notes. 🙏let me know how it goes

@ShimmerBodyCream

Жыл бұрын

Oh gosh, thank you, I didn't know you had a channel, wonderful advice. I actually wrote this down because I had shared this with all of my family and wanted them to click through. 😂

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@ShimmerBodyCream that’s so sweet of you.

What an inspiring talk Johnson. Your ability to turn your experiences into a positive outcome and authentic self are truly commendable. Great talk!!!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching ❤

I'm a straight male and I've been blessed with the most caring and understanding parents. My wife however, hasn't. We have a fantastic loving relationship, but the most challenging thing has been the contrast between our families and how we're treated. My family have supported our life decisions and have been there for us to benefit from their advice and wisdom. We don't agree on everything, but the respect is there. Conversely, we are going through a process with my wife's family and we're still not really ready to give them the contract ultimatum that you describe, but your talk is empowering and very relatable. Her family doesn't hesitate to attack our choices, and give judgement on every little thing we do / don't do. We're ending up sharing less and less with them and slowly drifting apart.

Thank you for this talk. I get the gist of this…. Be who you are. Up until my late 50’s (I’m mid sixties now) I was the scapegoat of the family. And in my role as scapegoat I was the fixer too. Blamed for most dramas that others instigate, then spending an inordinate amount of my time and energy trying to make everything ok after. I didn’t wake up to the pattern until late 50’s. I’m mid sixties now. I learnt boundaries. I tried point 2 with my sis when she made her decision to not include my family in her wedding party (a bbq in a garden) . I did respect her decision but it made me so sad. I told her that in a kind way. She threw her toys out the pram. She could not and would not talk to me about it. I guess that jumped me straight to point 5. Though I did attend her wedding, I really didn’t want to but hid my feelings while there. (Still “fixing” things then) . Again she had every right , it was just the way it was done . Since then contact with my extended family has become less and less. It’s sad but best for my health. Even with the small amount of contact there’s dramas.again not instigated by me but I’m the one accused. The latest one..I didn’t budge on being me. My sister has said I’ve changed and she doesn’t like me now. That’s cause I no longer people please. But I’m tired of that world of unhealthy behaviours now and it feels alien to me .

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

You continue doing you. Thanks for sharing. And it’s a big thing to step out of the people pleasing role, even if you didn’t get their til your 50s. Great work. Keep it up. ❤

@OllieT123

Жыл бұрын

Hi Sudenim, I resonate with your post! I was the scapegoat and fixer too. I am physically and emotionally exhausted of this role. My increasing age has made me stop this dysfunction. I don't want to be disrespected anymore. Plus they refuse to use and make light of my new pronouns. 😥

@sudenims5235

Жыл бұрын

@@OllieT123 I’m sorry you weren’t being respected Ollie. You are doing the right thing though. Life is simpler and more peaceful without the dramas. I love the saying..”be who you are and say what you feel because those that mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” All the best.

@OllieT123

Жыл бұрын

@@sudenims5235 Thank you!

This was an amazing talk. Needed this to sink in for me. Thank you for the extra phases

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating.

Thank you for both being authentically you 😊 it's a scary place to be when you're not accepted for being yourself but you're dead right it's a step worth taking

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating 🫶

Really great! Navigating a toxic family with a new partner has been eye opening. He was very confused, because his family is supportive. When I finally said, I don't care if you ever meet my family I think he finally understood because something shifted. IDK what journey my family has been going through for decades, it feels like trauma from an earlier century! I refuse to be held accountable for feelings they cannot identify or express!

So beautifully woven together… to be able to draw boundaries and recontract with our loved ones and break the cycle of toxic relationships is so needed. Only then can we live our true authentic self. Thank you for this wisdom Johnson!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your message and for resonating with the talk ❤

Thinking about the unspoken rules and expectations that a family places on you as a "negotiable contract" helped me see how I could approach and deal with the issues with my own family. I sincerely wanted to improve my relationship with my parents and at least try to live life on my own terms, as Johnson said. This talk empowered me to do exactly that. In this talk, Johnson not only gave me the tools to discuss my family contract confidently but also helped me feel like I wasn't alone. This talk is brutally honest and useful to almost anyone who wants their family to support them but doesn't know how to approach the conversation.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating. I wish you the best in your renegotiation process

What an important topic and talk this is. I hope that TEDx keeps this available in their permanent library. We need more examples and Asian voices out there talking about these critical issues for mental health and our social well-being. It should not be that hard to love your family members and yet we've all grown up not having ideal "contracts" that respect who we are, and model love and acceptance. Love is Love is Love.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

@Lexi_Con

Жыл бұрын

🎯❤️ Exactly!

@tessaellis7851

Жыл бұрын

8th 8

@LonjeMarie7

Жыл бұрын

You are absolutely correct we need more videos from the Asian community and in my opinion other communities as well the super handsome gentleman made an excellent video This was very very well done

I am chinese decent living in Indonesia, now I am 56 and my dad who lives with me always says that I owe him unpayable amount of money.. Thank you for yr presentation, I am not the only one.. 🙏🙏🙏

Love this! Having those conversations is so important for the community still, and I feel blessed to have such a neutral and grounded way to approach them in future. Thank you for sharing so much of yourself with us.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic.

This was refreshing to hear. Especially the aspects of courage, self-respect and choosing yourself. When reflecting upon unwritten contracts, it amazing to see how much we grow, change and learn over time with different experiences. Everyone's story is uniquely theirs and I hope we all learn to live a life being comfortably and happily ourselves.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for sharing your reflections. 🙏

Johnson, I'm so thankful for you. I'm from the same hongkongness background. I am a 43yrs old divorcee with no children. My mum feels entitled to my money, she asks me for money. My mum has two mobile phones, has a pension, has a Chinese satellite channel, a home with step dad with all bills paid for. I cannot afford her leisurely life style of singing and dancing. I will follow your steps to renegotiate my contract with my mum: 1. Listen to your family. 2. Repeat what been heard. 3. Mutual understanding and affirmation. 4. State the terms and conditions of family contract. 5. Follow through the agreement whether there it is agreed or not agreed. Please pray for me. I'm meeting her on 29 Dec.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing your story that so many people can relate to and also being so proactive with giving the steps a go. I look forward to hearing about how it goes! Happy holidays from the UK and all the best with your renegotiation.

I love Johnson Chong's brilliant approach to toxic family contracts. He gives real hope to all those locked in static, frozen modes of behavior which don't actually serve anyone. Trying his method may well lead to real release of energy, understanding and eventually love of those also blocked on the other side of the cliff that they feel they cannot cross. Well done Johnson! As always, you bring a healing messages! You are a star!

@judithedwards6330

Жыл бұрын

Unfreezing may be painful, but necessary..thank you so.much dear Johnson!

I especially appreciated you sharing how your self-respect grew- who says we have to remain tethered to our DNA family members- when freedom, self-respect and self-love or the path to it is through the other side- THANK YOU for this talk- ❤️

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤thank you for watching. Big love to you T.

For even the first step to work your family has to even be willing to sit and talk, let alone listen. I'm glad this worked for him and maybe for others but certainly not for me.

I feel sorry that your dad did not accept your honesty and you as you are.

My heart goes out to you! I can not begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through as a youngster, being let down by your own father!! Thank you for sharing your wisdom! You are a true warrior!!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk.

@summydots

Жыл бұрын

I've been through the same. And I have a similar temperament & approach like you. I could instantly relate, thanks for putting it out there.

Your story is so powerful, as are the communication tools you've shared to help others navigate such painful territory and stay true to their authentic selves. Very inspiring!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating. 🙏

This would be a wonderful tool if the family involved were capable of processing and acknowledging emotion.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Everyone definitely has their own capacities based on their cultural upbringing, their personal histories, etc. However, the process of requesting is more for one to step into the truth of what they want and to request it. The inability to process from the other party, is an opportunity for them to learn and grow. And they cannot learn and grow, if they are not challenged with another's emotional experience which contrasts their own capacity.

@judithedwards6330

Жыл бұрын

Yes..oftentimes the family.member.may. not be capable, and live in a bubble of self-righteous ness...

@denisejohnson7686

Жыл бұрын

@@judithedwards6330 Or fear.

In my case it was leaving christianity . Both parents raised me in church . But it actually is the reason our whole family is a mess. Im happier now . This is my path to travel on.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Religious fanaticism is a limiting phenomenon isn’t it? It hurts and feels so limiting. My wish for the world is that through separating from all contracts be it even from religiously limiting ones, that our individual expression of spirituality through the simple expression of being kind, compassionate, loving and happy is emancipated.

I have a question and I believe that this will help all my fellow brothers and sisters out there in the world. What if they simply just refuse to "negotiate" in the first place? How do you go about it from that point onwards? I've been personally dealing with this for more than a decade and it has taken a massive toll on my well being. I started learning magic tricks as a hobby to kill time and to escape the reality I was facing and today I'm performing professionally and I absolutely love what I do. So is my story another example of a path that you can take? Turning all that negative energy into something positive which benefits you in other aspects of life? Something to ponder about!

@Sparkle835

Жыл бұрын

So at the family reunion, you can simply announce "and now for my next trick, I will make myself disappear!" I love it!! 😄

@laksmanshaathru

Жыл бұрын

@@Sparkle835 sounds like a plan haha

@Venusbabe66

Жыл бұрын

I've adopted this method with regard to dating and relationships. I seem to be a magnet for men with Narcissistic Personality Disorder, so I decided that after two chances at relationships which ultimately disappointed and learning about why these parasitic types target me, I will no longer "negotiate" with men and I choose inner peace and happiness for myself instead.

@apollofateh324

Жыл бұрын

Refusal to negotiate is a refusal of any kind of change at all. Basically, nothing is going to change, so the ball is back in your court, because they refuse to play, so what now? You can keep tossing balls, but they're never going to throw back, so you either choose to keep playing, or to stop throwing and leave the court. There is no negotiation if all parties are not participating, just like there's no game with only one person.

@musicallife3981

Жыл бұрын

Brilliant. So inspiring. We want to see your shows!

thank you so much for sharing this, im sorry that things didnt work out between you and your family. im so thankful you shared this story. i was so scared to even think of separating from my family and was ready to surrender to their needs. i feel a lot more confident and aware of my feelings now. this was really great. thank you so much truly.❤

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing. I am glad you’re feeling more confident now.

Thanks for this amazing talk and sharing! "Family Contract" idea is definitely a big inspiration.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating with the talk

without being confrontational, sometimes you just have to break away from family and friends relationships if you want to be free, be yourself, and be happy... but one thing though, there should be no negative feelings in your heart. btw break away from negativities, too. 😍

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!! It helps me to get the last push of courage to address my perverse narcissistic mother and sister. I might loose all my family but the struggle isn't worth. I want to choose LIFE. Wonderful speech!!!!!

Dearest johnson and Vicki! I am so sorry but at the same time so grateful for your sharing of your family trials. As I say what doesn't killyou makes you stronger!and you are beautiful my two favorite songs that get me through my rough times with my toxic family! You are wonderful and loved! Thank you! so much!🥰🤗

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating and for your support ❤

These are the most important conversations people should be have in this era.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching

Thank you for sharing. I hope this will shed some light in time within your family dynamics with your Dad. Honest, practical and insightful.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and connecting. 🙏

Such a great talk Johnson! Extremely honest and raw from your own experiences but also so applicable to many different situations. Incredibly practical but with undertones from the spiritual teachings. Thank you xx

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for picking up on the spiritual undertones !

I love the focus on being true to you. It's quite difficult though to see the situation for what it is at first especially as you say when you think unconditional love is what your parents have for you (and they don't). Thanks for sharing, really powerful .

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yes I agree. It’s always tough at first to see what’s happening when we are deep in it. We definitely need to create room for some space to become more objective if possible before engaging.

@denisejohnson7686

Жыл бұрын

There is a test for unconditional love: At any age, would your mother or father be willing to die for you?

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

@@denisejohnson7686 I’m not sure that’s a question you’d have to ask them.

living life on your terms in the end that's the most important thing.. so powerful.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yes indeed. I hope people walk away with that at the very least.

Absolutely love this message, I hope everyone watches this at some point in there life.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your message and for resonating with the topic 🙏

Unreal and so easily applied. Love this TED talk. Want to watch it every time I need to have a difficult conversation with someone I love. 🙏🙏🙏

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤

Incredible listen and presence. Thank you for sharing your journey and the insights you’ve gathered along the way.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤

That is the first time someone spoke about this topic in a way that made me feel like there are solutions. Until now I thought confrontation won’t change anything because my parents agree to one thing today and pretend it never was agreed upon on the next day. But now I understand that confrontation is not about making them understand but rather to figure out if both parties are willing to respect the things that are agreed upon. And if not it means to actually walk away to live your life. And that that can feel like closure too. Thank you for sharing this. I really needed to hear this

Beautifully shared path to resolving 'unsustainable family contracts' and accepting the outcome. Going through a process like this, as he says, will lead to no regrets because one tried everything possible to renegotiate the contract one was born into. True, the happy ending may be impossible because the other party is too rigid and stuck in the contract. That's sad and unfortunate. That one gets to live life as a complete person capable now of seeking fulfillment is the true and guaranteed happy ending.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

🙏yes, arriving at Wholeness as a journey for any relationship be it familial or otherwise is really the essence of spirituality. 🙏

phenomenal. i wrote down the steps, and will implement calmly, and be courageous about letting go, where agreement is not possible. i've definitely compromised way too much and stayed in relationships at the cost of great pain.. Thank you Johnson for your hard earned wisdom

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching Annie and for writing the steps down. I hope they serve your highest self well ❤❤❤

@LonjeMarie7

Жыл бұрын

Me too

Everyone should listen to this at least once, I’ve taken some very important lessons at tools out of your talk Johnson , thank you for sharing your personal journey xx

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for resonating with the topic❤

It is difficult to be this brave and to face the risk of losing a family member who is a source of relatedness and our identity. Thank you for share this with us

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for message and watching the talk.

My mother loves me very much but sadly she’s not educated enough and she’s deeply affected by the unhealthy side of the tradition and culture. I didn’t realize I was emotionally abused by her when I was growing up, even till now, she still occasionally unintentionally hurt me with her words. I’m trying to heal this and trying to educate her to live on a spiritual level rather than material…

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I completely resonate and hear you on this.Thanks for sharing

This is something I’ve been thinking through in the last year or so. Thank you for your insight and wisdom. 💕

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing. Family contracts can be so challenging that’s for sure. I hope the talk have you some inspiration on how to approach what you’ve been thinking through.

Thank you so much, Johnson! This is exactly what I need right now. Thank you for sharing both your technique and your own story. 💕

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening and for your comment 🙏

I still have 15 minutes left, but I got to looking at this speaker and thought : Oh.. my! He’s a sharp dresser, looking all refreshed, & after showing off his flair for dramatic a hand to shout it out in the moment.

Today my mom made fun of my mental health along with my dad and brother still I can’t stop loving her 🥹

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing your love

@katylopez2781

Жыл бұрын

You dont have to stop loving her, but you have to accept her for who she is and what she believes and decide wether its worth losing yourself or you can “break” your contract and live 100% true to yourself . Trust me i know how you feel!

@nupurgupta6860

Жыл бұрын

@@katylopez2781 thnx

Incredibly powerful. Will watch this over and over and share with friends. This will be so helpful to many, many people.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks so much for watching and for sharing the message 🙏

Johnson, I really admire your courage to confront your family, and I'm so happy you have a relationship with your mom! Being 2nd gen Asian feels so oppressing 😭 I wish that 1st gen parents understood that their tough and strict mentality served their purpose well to survive Communism. However, they're perpetuating the cycle of abuse and passing that onto us. As a female in a traditional Chinese family, I struggle with being treated as a second class citizen and not being good enough for my dad - and now my brother. My mom passed away when I turned 15 so I have her in spirit. After seeking counseling earlier this year, I discovered that underneath my anger, resentment and feelings of unworthiness, I just missed my little brother. I told him so via text because my calls are ignored and crickets. It cuts so deep yet all I can do is recognize that it's their 100% capacity and love them at their capacity. The silver lining is that it's helped me to be more mindful in seeing value in every person from all walks of life. I feel sorry for close-minded people, like our toxic families, because they are the ones truly missing out. And after all the suffering that I've endured, it's my mission to do what I can to 1) not cause any more suffering, and 2) uplift people in whatever way I can. If anyone needs it, I give you permission to cut the anchor and start thriving! Blessings!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing Jamie. Yes it’s all about capacity and learning to be okay with where people are at. 🙏

My mom also said “no” like Johnson’s dad. I feel really sad about it and wish she had my back like I had hers but I need to move on for the sake of my sanity. All I wanted is her acceptance but the more important thing is to accept myself and put my well being first.

@johnsonchong2093

Ай бұрын

Yes to putting you first ❤🐉

I wish this was an hour long. It should have millions of views.

I needed this advice. Your talk brought me tears as I am currently dealing with this situation. Hope I get a courage to live separately from my parents as they are never willing to negotiate. Thank you

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for sharing. And a big hug to you while you’re going through the thick of it.

This is so powerful❤ specially for sensitive emotional people to take such a corageous step and confront all the childhood trauma❤

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

This has really helped as I am at a low point as lost most of my life due to domestic abuse. My son was wanting to continue his fathers behaviour towards me in some ways and it has been so painful but I have said I cannot have him in my life until he starts to address the issues between us. He cannot keep doing anything he wants to me and me still be there for him in all ways at all times. I am a person who is allowed to choose what I do and where I go. I am the parent. I am not there to be used and abused. I deserve respect and thanks for what I did for him and until that happens I cannot keep in his day to day life.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

I think you’re right! All these kids are born and nobody asks them for permission to sign anywhere. They’re just forced to do this and do that. I think good parenting skills are critical. Then, renegotiating family contracts is amazing! Kids should take part in designing their own teenage years and life!

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I had some folks script out their contracts with their kids after watching the talk. I think it’s a great exercise to do to build trust and healthy boundaries.

Such great insight and I appreciate the 5 simples steps. Love the energy and great story telling of the author

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for watching. 🙏

I've been dealing with a very toxic family member for a couple years. She was my favorite cousin which makes it hurt even more. I started noticing her acting different but didn't think much of it. Found out she had blocked me on a messaging platform. She would unblock me, send me a single message and block me again. Being naïve, I thought maybe it was just a phase. I tried to be on friendly terms again. She became even more cruel. In family gathering, whenever I tried to make small talk. She would engage for a few minutes then abruptly leave the room. It got to the point where if we sat in the same sofa, she would instantly move. I just can't deal with her toxicity any longer. Sorry for the long post but I really need to get this off my chest.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing. Keep sharing the talk to spread the idea 🙏

@crabfishlion

Жыл бұрын

My sister In law does this. I try and talk about things and she won't even listen to me or look at me. It's very rude and hurtful.

I appreciate the ideas and sentiment, and my heart goes out to you. I have found as the 'truth-teller' of a family with physical abuse, emotional neglect, and substance use (alcohol) issues, there is a refusal to look with open eyes that said contracts even exist. Toxic families are often delusional, as mine is, where 'there is no problem'. If 'you' have a problem, then it's 'your problem'. David Foster Wallace once gave a commencement speech, "This Is Water". One fish swims by another fish and says, 'How's the water today?' The other fish responds with a confused look "What is water?"

My issues with my family started with how my parents raised us in a dysfunctional family. Now in my 50s we're ripping the results and my siblings can't see eye to eye resulting even in my remaining parent to watch helpless how they fight and argue against each other. Today I decided to speak up and tell them what they're doing to mom and of course they rejected me but that's okay as long as they keep me away from involving me in their shenanigans.

My family, in particular my mom, uncle and his wife and kids, and their youngest sister my aunt, and all their friends talk bad about me behind my back and together in my face at family get togethers because they believe they understand why I don't talk to them, that they believe they know my past in the military better than I do. I chose to cut them off and out of my life recently because I'd had enough of the rumors and hypocrisy of foolish people. Don't let the lies and mindgames of weak people control what you know and who you really are, regardless of whether you share a bloodline or not. Know that YOU are worthwhile, and you are enough with the ability to become more if you choose to be

@emasonbagare460

Жыл бұрын

God bless you, dear.

@brida5923

Жыл бұрын

That’s called family scapegoating abuse. Research family systems approach. Pity them that they envy you, that you’re more free, so they exact that price. Traditional families often feel very threatened. They want to know you’re still one of them. I understand your plight, and we are not alone. Take heart dear one! You are ok regardless of that stuff❤️🦋

This was brave and important and really thoughtfully put together, if I had a son even half as accomplished as you I would be super proud, it's his loss, luckily I get to have you in my life x

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for your comment Gav. Big hug to you ❤

You've made some great points and hope those who are struggling have the courage to work something out if not for the family for themselves. I struggle with the idea that you call it a contract, especially when you said you sued the trampoline place after you signed a contract. In relationships I call it boundaries and compromises. It's ever going and we are always growing because families continue to grow and new challenges arise. I applaud your courage and willingness to share.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I actually didn’t say I sued the trampoline place 😂. I jokingly said I wanted to sue them but couldn’t because I had signed a contract that protected them. That example was used to depict how we are constantly engaged in contractual relationships all the time that are delineated in clear written terms and conditions. The idea of family contracts comes also from spiritual wisdom traditions where we talk about souls as having formed contracts from before birth (soul contracts). Your soul has a contract with so-and-so to learn such-and-such a lesson. When we make boundaries and compromises tangible (in writing) it creates clarity. If we can suspend our negative legal associations of what contract means and purely look at contracts as agreements between parties of peoples. That is simply it. Semantics really. Thanks for your insight !

This was incredibly helpful and poignant. Also my work is drafting/negotiating contracts, so I really appreciate the analogy. I hope to, someday, not be distracted by family toxicity; it seems incurable even as I've separated myself from them. I find myself being (psychically) pulled in. I can't wait for the day I'm healed enough to not consider them in my day-to-day.

Forget what other people might think. Their opinions live only inside of your own mind. You’d be surprised how understanding they might actually be. Regardless, this is between you and the ones “closest” to you.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yes I agree that sometimes we don’t give others credit enough for understanding where we are hence the steps of renegotiation. Thanks for sharing

thank you for sharing and putting something that is often vague, unspoken and subject to change into a clear and usable toolkit.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and resonating

If we aren't being believed when we're telling the truth in earnest, then that's effectively the end of the conversation. But, we can, at least, say that we tried and carry on with the knowledge that those who can't abide the truth most likely need professional therapy (and, there's nothing inherently wrong with those of us who benefited from therapy.) But, since the majority of us aren't licensed therapists, we can only wish them well. And, we can do so honestly and sincerely.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

❤

‘Honey their the only family you’ve got’ yeah and I’m the only daughter they got and I deserve better?/// thank you for the validation

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Yea that’s right you are the only one they got !❤

Beautifully presented. For years, being a sounding board for various popular musicians being ostracized by their dearest loved ones - my couch was always available as their place to escape to and survive turmoil - and talk about it if they felt the need. Your presentation carefully equipped me to draw new parameters in what had been happening in most of my life as well. Thank you, very much, for your words, bravery, and a thoughtful strategy to build healthier boundaries. 👏

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Wow - what a beautiful caretaking spirit you have to offer that to them. I love that you’re moving into establishing new and healthier terms for how you and them can relate in the future. Let me know how it goes 🙏

Simply loving your talk, Johnson! Thanks for sharing and tips on negotiating once again. You are one of those awesome teachers whom l have met in my journey. Namaste 🌈🙏🕉 May you always be loved, blissful and blessed.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for connecting with the message ❤

Interesting way of looking at “contracts” and totally practical and heartfelt tips on how to navigate through toxic relationships by borrowing its concepts.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching and for connecting with the topic❤

This was amazing and most definitely can be applied to any toxic family contracts. I saw this video at time when I have finally decided that I will not continue allowing my family to place their opinions on how I live and how I parent my children. It has gotten so bad that my kids started to believe that what my mom said had more weight than what I said. Thank you for this because I now have the foundation to start re-negotiating the contracts that have stifled my growth and confidence for the last 20 years.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing. And I wish you all the best with the renegotiation ❤

Omg! That was AMAZING Johnson. I didn't expect any less from you. Your steps were so clear and precise. You showed me a clear plan on how to approach all of the toxic relationships. Thank you for growing into the man that you are. You are such an inspiration. I truly admire and appreciate you sharing such a personal experience ❤️ .

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Thanks Hollye for watching and connecting with the talk. I hope it helps you. Big hug to you. 🙏🌈

@TITOFROG1

Жыл бұрын

Admire your bravery and honesty. Well spoken and thought out.

I realized I already had those conversations and need to accept the reality.

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

I definitely know what it’s like to still hold onto the fantasy of the ideal life. Breathwork, meditation, holistic energy work is my way into energetically recalibrating and letting go of the cords of attachment. I trust you will find your way. 🙏

Terrifying. The thing is I'm so emotional and I would like to do this without losing control. To put 'them' in this position would be eye opening, mostly for the enablers.

I was looking for temporary cure....and this guy gave me permanent solution...i don't know why but I'm feeling lighted by your talk

Such beautiful insight into the dynamics of invisible contracts, and a productive method to remove them. Very important for today, esp given the ones governments throw at the unsuspecting. Loved this! 👏👏

@johnsonchong2093

Жыл бұрын

Family contracts, social contracts, governmental ones, etc. are all the same - unspoken expectations that need to be brought into clarity and mutual understanding in order for a more sustainable way of operating in the world.