The first 20 yrs of my life in 5 minutes. Your youth mirrors mine almost exactly. I remember getting those looks of disapproval and disgust all the time. I still carry a lot of shame from that time in my life. To this day Im not comfortable around people I don't know well. It may be triggering but discussions like this brings light to this topic and healing. Thank you.

Healing from shame really requires A LOT of inner work; dealing with criticism and perfection, removing the masks we've been wearing, unlearning and relearning etc. This was a really touching episode. May we all heal from shame❤

I was sensitive as a preteen. The other boys were rough and thoughtlessly killing animals. I became a loner and a powerful swimmer. I was attracted to males but didn't know what that meant. At 19 falling in love with a married man woke me up. I realized God made me gay but felt cheated. Wasting years in a homophobic cult sowed a lot of self hatred and sorrow into me. After leaving that I still had deep rooted shame that took years to identify and get rid of. Believing God loves me gradually healed me inside and out. Shame may still pop up in different guises, but, I reject it vehemently and quickly.

My shame story began as being a second generation immigrant with my earliest memories in a predominately white middle class neighborhood. While we were also white, we were noticeably culturally different, my parents had thick accents and poor English, could interface with society less smoothly than all of my peers and their families. There was an air that we were faking it, and my parents overcompensated by trying to be extremely sociable, throwing parties, while hiding the dysfunction and trauma from their past lives running from Soviet occupied Poland. When our economic situation declined, none of these people had our backs. It was as if the shame story became true.

As a man that has felt shame for having an attraction to other men while being told this was wrong, I have carried this with me for almost my entire life and has created things like depression, OCD, repression, anxiety to name a few. I always thought happiness wasn't for me and felt like I needed to change my attraction from homosexual to hetero to be normal. Now that I see things in perspective I can see all the damage that I've done to myself and how shame can be a source of mental destruction and with this all the things that encompasses emotionally and socially. I thank you for all the insight on the topic that I more than identify with (the reference to the Sears catalog and the men's underwear section was right on point with what I went through) and the need to be all these other things to compensate for being gay resonated so much as well. Again, you guys are doing an extremely awesome job for all of us who feel alone in this and who are carrying a heavy burden on our backs. Much love to you both!!!!

Vulnerability is the opposite of shame. Something to think about.

"Something about me being different, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me."

I relate to all this. Worst of all is that my perfectionism causes me to criticize myself for feeling shameful. I an ashamed of being ashamed. But yeah love the video, very relatable

How to heal? Evolve, be competent and useful. Get better today than you were yesterday. Recognition and self respect heal.

This resonates deeply. The intense programming against our development and continued micro aggressions from friends family and associates. It’s difficult especially when there’s no representation of self in the world. It’s really insidious.

I love all of your podcasts, but this one is probably the one that has touched me the most deeply. I see myself as dealing with feelings of inferiority, inadequacy, self-loathing, etc., but I never associated all of this back to shame. I pretty much thought that shame was the very least of my problems. Thank you for this important insight. ALSO: I may be wrong, but I think you have a birthday within the next week, Michael, so Buon compleanno!

So good hearing your story Michael - it got me emotional too

I came of age in the latter half of the 1970s, a time far different from today. I lived at home with my parents since I attended and graduated from a local university. I first started experimenting in about 1975, at age 19, and fell in love the following year. All while leading a double life. That relationship eventually ended, and I went back in the closet until the early 1980s, when I met someone 17 years my senior, and we basically had a platonic relationship. In the mid-1980s, I fell in love again, with a different guy. By this time, I was living on my own, which facilitated living the personal life I craved. However, this person was already in a relationship, with another guy, and they eventually moved to San Francisco in 1990. I have had mostly crushes since then. I eventually came out to my parents in an email on Coming Out Day in 1999, and they basically accepted me. I was still on a natural high during this time, having just attended a spiritual gay men’s group retreat in the NC mountains. Since then, I’ve basically arrived at a point in my life where I really don’t care what other people think, and would tell anyone who asked me about my sexuality.

Self-compassion heals shame IIMO. Sometimes vulnerability is too triggering and we may not have the wisdom during the healing process to share it with the right person or the right set and setting.

Thanks for uploading these.....these videos will undoubtedly help scores of young men growing up gay

Thanks for the book recommendation (The Velvet Rage / Alan Downs / 2005) . As a man previously married to a woman... I also recommend Alexis by Marguerite Yourcenar. It's a fictional story of a man who leaves his wive and child behind...the whole book is a long letter explaining his reasons...and most importantly...how shame played a major part in his actions. I think the book is interesting because it makes you travel to other historical/cultural contexts...yet it touches on a familiar topic for us gay men

Every time I think I'm the only person that ever experienced this (fill in the blank for this). Someone describes exactly what I'm going though or gone though. I relate to Mr. Dilorio story to the letter. Thank both of you for sharing this.

Thank you so much for this. I have spent the last several years unpacking the toxic relationship I've had with my sexuality and how I view myself. The work is hard, and every time i make a breakthrough i find a new layer. But i never want anyone to experience the shame I've felt just being me. It's been worth it to keep going, and this podcast was an encouragement. Thank you for sharing this and being vulnerable.

Kind of explains why “You better be an A-lister or you’re sh*t” is such a common belief in the gay community. Even if many don’t embrace it particularly, it’s pretty hard not to feel “less than” if you did not achieve that status. Of course it’s a human thing generally too, but it’s got a feel all it’s own there.

Thank you Gentlemen.