I saw my ex husband's red flags multiple times... I was so desperate to be married as I was past 40, that I ignored them. If I could give anyone anywhere any relationship advice it would be: DO NOT IGNORE RED FLAGS. Thank you Anna, for a great post. Spot on.

@petrasworld913

Жыл бұрын

I did the same thing but I ignored red flags because I didn't know they were red flags. Live and learn.

@gobears6487

Жыл бұрын

@@petrasworld913 yup... though sometimes the learning is extremely painful!

@mads6847

Жыл бұрын

Can I ask what were red flags?

@gobears6487

Жыл бұрын

@@mads6847 too long for a comment but the easiest to spot were lies: told me different stories about his first marriage then got really angry when I questioned why he told me different things. Also a lot of what is in the video: over bearing initially, everything had to happen right away, I had to move to where he was, etc. And don't get me started on the financial red flags... telling me he couldn't pay for things etc. I don't know that solution - make sure you see all their bank accounts? (not 100% serious but on the other hand, there was more I only found out when divorcing him)

@mads6847

Жыл бұрын

@@gobears6487 thanks so much. I would like to be more discerning in the future, changing stories, quick to anger, speed etc Makes sense, hard to discern when in the honeymoon stage though I can see😟

So many times I crap fitted myself in an awful person's life ignoring red flags. I told myself " let's see where this goes"... Well it ended up in a very dark hole every time. Now learning about crap fitting, has made me so much better with my judgement. Thank you for teaching me that.

@godzillamanstreb524

Жыл бұрын

It really is a great concept….I’ve done it many times

@lizvtaz6

Жыл бұрын

Actually if you do not state your intentions for the relationship early on, most good people leave. They want to know what are they getting themselves into. And they get offended if they see that the person is "unsure" about them although they did not do anything to cause the person to feel unsure. But toxic ones stay for the "let's see where this goes". Because they do not take you seriously either. For you it's fear. For them it's not caring. If it works and they can use you - fine. If not - who cares, they did not really care about you in the first place. That being said stuff like "We've know each other for 6 month let's get married" is a red flag too.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I'm so glad learning about it has been helpful! I'm sure Anna will want to read this, thank you for taking the time to comment. -Calista@TeamFairy

@oaktreedialogues6318

9 ай бұрын

Yes! I am just realizing « Let’s see where it goes… » thinking is not open mindedness, it’s crapfitting! Very dangerous way of thinking!

The years I burned through, believing I could "change someone's mind" with sex or affection or both. Apparently one's ego can be as toxic as anything or anyone else is, or more so. I'm grateful I'm still alive, healthy, and learning to understand and accept people.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for sharing this and good for you for working on healing these tendencies! -Calista@TeamFairy

@katiekane5247

Жыл бұрын

I guess I was trying to convince myself if I loved them enough, they'd see the good in themselves that I thought I saw. Wasted decades!!!

@gratefullyamerican4230

Жыл бұрын

@Katie Kane i have exactly the same issue...even PHYSICAL traits as my abuser.

@hunivan7672

Жыл бұрын

I dont think what you did was wrong. You loved him enough to stick by him no matter what. But when someone doesn't honor that, you're wasting your time :(

@lemsip207

Жыл бұрын

We also get told we can change somebody with clear communication. It doesn't always work. The narcissist will hear what we want & use it as a weapon against us. Rather you need to put people to the test.

I struggle with being attracted to people who exhibit the same characteristics as my abuser. I grew up having my integrity questioned and having to either defend myself or ignore reality and go along with their narrative. Now I crave for someone to push their agenda so I have something to push against. People who respect boundaries make me feel scared and vulnerable because I feel they're lying to me and concealing their true intentions. It's a hard habit to break and I don't know where to begin. I hope this video helps.

@somethinggood9267

Жыл бұрын

I understand this for sure.

@lizvtaz6

Жыл бұрын

Actually, people who respect you boundaries might be lying to you and conceal their true intentions. But. They are never as dangerous as the ones who try to push their agenda. You see pushing the agenda is abuse. People that do not explicitly do that at least understand what abuse is. They know that there is a line. They assume that you would not like it, if they will try to abuse you. The ones that push their agenda are practically nuts. They do not even see you as a full-fledged human being they only see themselves. By the way I know someone like this, and I actually know how they were as a teen. As a teen they did not push their agenda on people. But then, they became a really abusive adult. All of their childhood friends hate them. Work on yourself. You know that this fear of non-abusive people in not rational.

@sarahtaylor546

Жыл бұрын

Totally get this. People with healthy boundaries feel so far from where I am.

@katiekane5247

Жыл бұрын

@@sarahtaylor546 like I don't get how they live, like they're aliens almost

@youtubeblockedme5864

Жыл бұрын

I get what you are saying... so often we're thinking about the other people instead of ourselves. What I'm hearing and feeling you say is that you are afraid. Most of us operate every aspect of our life from a place of fear. Conquer the fear and you no longer have to deal with these types nor do you have to wonder if someone is lying to you or not. And if they are it won't be that big a deal. Fears are basic... Dig here, really feel it and then ask yourself... So what. What if they're telling the truth? What if they're lying? What if they have no boundaries at all?? If you have no fear it's really not a big deal... I never understood why we make a liar's misbehavior a reflection of our self-worth.

Love the truth that healthy people run from red flags. They don’t try and fit into a crappy situations. Finally accepting I cannot fix anyone! Not my job. Best to leave and put myself in places and with people that are healthy.

I'm getting really good at this bc I immediately check out once I see the first red flag.. I don't care how excited I am or how well the conversation is flowing.. once I see a flag, I pull away.. I don't give chances anymore-- not bc I don't trust them (which I don't), but more so bc I don't trust myself to go back down those rabbit holes.. I'm too old to be wasting time and energy.. it's amazing how ppl really do tell on themselves.. you just have to have the ears to hear..🙏🏽💗

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

Good on you! I'm still learning. Videos like these are a great reminder.

@gobears6487

Жыл бұрын

They really do. As the saying goes: when they show you who they are, believe them!

I run from anyone that has a critical spirit, because my parents were highly critical of me. My "default settings" are flight, fawn (in relationships with people), I go into freeze mode if I get lost while driving, or if something breaks down around the house, or if I can't get the help I need when I need it. A couple of years ago, I had 4 lunch dates with a man that told me I needed to wash my car, needed to grow my hair longer, was too independent. It triggered my past of being criticized, so I ended that in a hurry. I now enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone and "drama free". Thank you so much for all the great information you post, Ms. Anna! It helps us so much to understand ourselves and others. You are doing such great work.

@clairejohnson6522

Жыл бұрын

You dodged a bullet with that man.I also dated a man who told me not to wear the trousers i was wearing again, as he didn't like them! They at first build you up and later knock you down.🥊

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Yikes, that sounds terrible, so glad you were able to end that relationship! It's great you've developed an understanding of your own tendencies, that's often the most difficult step in healing! So glad you're here :) -Calista@TeamFairy

@stormyskyz7881

Жыл бұрын

Honestly sounds like your system is so protective against this king of behavior that it makes you sick to your stomach and your body protected you from it

@petrasworld913

Жыл бұрын

I see you dated my ex-husband! LOL

@turner2952

Жыл бұрын

@@petrasworld913 Yes. I can smell control freaks and manipulators 10 miles away! We are totally free when we stop needing outside validation and enjoy our own company. God bless you. Take good care of you. You're worth it!

It's really painful listening to all of this at my advanced age (and being in a 20 year partnership, that is far from perfect) to see how many times I have been on both sides of this dysfunctional behavior. Nobody raises children to know any of this. We just go stumbling into adulthood, thinking how we feel and act is perfectly normal and acceptable. We do a lot of hurting and getting hurt, until somehow we learn, or we get (as I did) hooked up with somebody who doesn't hurt us and wants to be with us, and we can be satisfied with to stop looking. But then there is still so much to learn about how to maintain that relationship. I wish our society would at least tell young adults, "Fairytales are for children. Get yourself together, and don't look for a marriage to solve your problems. And don't start having your own children if your own life is still a mess. Children do not solve your problems any more than a marriage does. And they will be the innocent victims of your own messy life, and they deserve better than that."

@katiekane5247

Жыл бұрын

Doing that with my 16 year old grandson. I'm proud of his strengths. It's like giving the tools I never had.

@flash_flood_area

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately children are pretty good at dismissing parental advice

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

@@flash_flood_area I wish I had some advice. My parents were pretty much checked out like all the time, or they were fighting. I left home as soon as I could & immediately got into unhealthy relationships, had no idea how to navigate, ignored red flags, etc. This lasted about 14 years. At one point I was Googling "what's wrong with my boss" and that's how I learned about narcissism, which explained a lot about the dysfunction in my family & opened a whole new world for me, there was so much information about trauma & healing, etc. It's been 9 years now, 4 therapists later, difficult healing journey, lots of time spend binging videos like these. But it's been so worth it! I can now say that I'm in the secure attachment style quadrant. Still struggle with some things. But it's been easier. If you are a parent & you feel like the kids don't listen, don't stop talking. Don't stop being that voice of reason. Sometimes they need to get knocked down by life a few times before they realize the path they're on is painful. They will remember your kind words. They will take heed. They will appreciate.

@sayusayme7729

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like having to recover from the cultural landscape of an era, most of us over centuries are still learning these lessons of autonomy. Great insight, yes I grew up I. Some never look inside out of fear. Hard lessons for sure.

My ex husband was a cocaine addict for 14 years and I never found any evidence.. maybe 1 time I found a small straw and asked about it,. but the main clue was how crazy and irrational he was a lot of the time.I made excuses, thought he was just autistic or something else.. I knew he was off in some way,l I just didn’t know what. He had a great family. Well, if they act crazy or irrational or off.. that’s enough now for me to say bye bye. I don’t need to find evidence..because they will hide it really good. Not everything is known until later on. all of it made me so strong. and 🙂 Happy

One pattern I noticed with myself years ago, was attracting the exact same person and core issues but in a very different package... And convincing myself somehow they were different than before... Silly me... 🤪

Hits real hard what you're saying. But hits home every time, I swear. "Conforming myself to others' expectations so I am not rejected, while me rejecting my own self in the process..." What a cruel irony.

@bookbeing

9 ай бұрын

Oye! Well said! 👍🌟💯

An example of this was when I decided to cut off and distance myself from frenemies and my life was instantly more calm & peaceful 💙

Oof. Not diagnosing here either but, to the 63 y/o woman whose guy said ‘I love you’ within 24 hours of meeting & with the magical thinking… his behaviors sound very much like Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Narcissistic traits 😵

@youtubeblockedme5864

Жыл бұрын

Yes I thought the same. She attracted another narcissist... Very common pattern until you realize they come in all shapes and sizes...

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

Yes & probably with the Borderline Personally Disorder mixed in there as well. I hope she finds safety.

@debrawhittle6812

9 ай бұрын

When I heard this story i IMMEDIATELY thought bpd. My ex did and does the SAME exact behaviors! Omg just run and continue to heal yourself! I spend 8 years trying to fix him. No realizing it’s not him I need to fix! Thank you Crappy Childhood fairy!

I used to be unaware of red flags 6 years ago but now i've swung the other way. What do you do if your red flag finder swings the other way and feels like everyone has flags? I'm so hypervigiliant that I have a hard time enjoying people. What's worse is close relationships are so hard for me to allow myself into because I'm always scanning for threats.

@cathyhinder8573

Жыл бұрын

Some of that behaviour could be due to unhealed trauma & being stuck in a state of constant fear arousal .... like paranoia part of PTSD ... which makes it hard to distinguish between intuition and fear. More therapy is what I'd say.

@scrunt62

Жыл бұрын

get good at meeting your needs regularly. once you've taken a chance on someone and things have gone wrong, take charge and tend to whatever you need to within your own situation (not theirs). you'll learn how to feel better equipped to open up to others, it just takes time and experience to develop trust in yourself to keep yourself safe and healthy.

@ul8590

Жыл бұрын

I have found myself doing the same after I’ve been in a short romantic encounter with a psychopath. In my experience seeing who people are just take time.

This was good timing. I completed your dating course twice🤣 I'm going on my first coffee/walk next weekend. Trying to do your structured dating. I've already done a good security check and have a full team of friends to check in with. I know the abandonment/rejection stuff is coming. I've got my list of NO WAYS.. I'm nervous I'll over share..my anxiety can come out of my mouth. Doing the daily practice. I'm hoping if I get worked up, I can go to the bathroom and breathe 😬🤞 Thanks for sharing your wisdom ❤️

@MaricaIvica

Жыл бұрын

Know your boundaries and stay with them...

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Wow, that's exciting! It sounds like you have a great support team and you've certainly been putting in the work to heal. We're rooting for you! -Calista@TeamFairy

@joan.nao1246

Жыл бұрын

Rooting for you! You got this 💞

@AkshayKumar-fj3ks

Жыл бұрын

Is the dating course for women or men?

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

Awwww so exciting! Baby steps. Do everything in baby steps. If he says something you're not sure about ask him to clarify. Don't go home wondering what he meant.

I've been an expert at ignoring every red flag in the book. In a world of hurt now. Worst part is, going in, I was the best version of myself. I can't help but imagine where I'd be if not for CPTSD. This was painful for me to watch.

@sunnyadams5842

Жыл бұрын

I hear you TOOO Loud and clear!!

"You taught yourself to override..." I don't even know if Anna understands exactly how much she is helping people. Anna the LORD is using you in a BIG way. May the King bless you greatly!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

10 ай бұрын

Thank you for your kind words! Julie@TeamFairy

Women: Mothering, Managing, Manipuating and Martyring - be careful of these! Also, Women, do not lead your Man, do not chase, if your needs are not being met easily, move on...

The boyfriend who cries a lot sounds a little like he's in borderline personality disorder territory or similar. I'm not a practicing therapist but I did train a few years ago. I struggle with the labelling of personality disorders too and think it's a way of adapting and coping with trauma and neglect. I think many years ago I was similar and fortunately after a lot of therapy and self-directed work (more the latter) I'm reasonably well healed. I recognise a lot of his behaviour though. Poor guy, I hope he heals. And so hard for his partner/ ex partner too. Empathy to both.

Penelope run! This guy doesn't care. Run, go heal yourself.

I actually always see the red flags, my survival instincts were just dead. I could know I was in danger but I could not really integrate it and its consequences

I’m just disentangling myself from years of investing in relationships that are not reciprocal or healthy. I believe I attempted to be more of a patient maternal counselor type (ways my mother was not) and that attracted people that engaged with me who were happy to suck up every consoling supportive counsel I gave and the material support I could offer them, BUT eventually once they would get their feet or wings beneath them and life became manageable going well, they simply disappeared. I’m like confused and lonesome asking myself “where’s all my friends and family gone?” Actually I think my role was parental like support and once they individuated like a teenager does, they would just fly the coop - like a teenager is supposed to do. Those who didn’t just walk off simply being done with me, remain in inconsistent contact but seem to engage in a back and forth struggle for “independence” lots of future faking unfulfilled plans etc. indefinitely stuck in a loop of a kind of ambivalent coming together followed by distancing or disappearing. As an adult and working on recovery from cptsd I’m aware these are clearly not healthy, fulfilling nor reciprocal relationships. Some of these people do seem to be aware there are issues in our relationship yet when I attempt to discuss my feelings, desires and concerns they quickly shift to devaluing me. Criticizing even shaming me as well as stonewalling. Feels to me they are looking for the justification to continue to either use me or to discard me. Act like I’m not or no longer holding up my end of the one sided relationship “bargain”. Making it about me. This pattern has regularly appeared throughout my life. Until I understood the “pattern” I believed I must be an unloveable worthless human being to be repeatedly treated that way by various people. I have essentially been stuck in a state of despair trying to do better in my relationships as I note the wasted years pass by. I’ve been alone in terms of no partner for at least 10 years. Covid ate into that time where I literally lived isolated alone except for 2 sweet cats over 2 years. Continue struggling with my old friends and “family” relationships though. Starting and continuing with my bio family. Now that I recognize my history of abuse and cptsd and the part I unconsciously played attracting and behaving within these relationships I see my part and a way to start over. Disengaging with the people I’ve crapfitted myself to for decades is a little messy but necessary change. Building new relationships is a challenge especially as I’m older and it does takes significant effort and energy. I’ve tried fixing my previous relationships and they seem basically set in stone. I unknowingly did set them up that way. 😢

@godzillamanstreb524

Жыл бұрын

You’re not alone

@petrasworld913

Жыл бұрын

I could have written this

@Spacepuft

Жыл бұрын

This is my struggle as well. Thank you for posting. Don’t give up 🙌🏻❤🙏🏻

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

It's like you read the novel about my life & summarized it here, except instead of 2 cats I have 2 doggos. I'm amazed how accurately you've described the last 22 years of my life.

I saw everything, but tended to ignore it, because of my longing for affection. I have learned, that I have always been sanctioned, if I ever expressed my boundaries.

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

That means it's working. That they are the wrong people for you.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

We really understand this in Crappy Childhood Fairy Land! -Cara@TeamFairy

I REALLLLY like the point... "does this person want to make you step up and be a better person? Or are they dragging you down? For me, in the past It's been easy to confuse this during the honeymoon period.

It took me SO long to begin to see red flags...I am MUCH better BUT I feel like I wasted my life on MAGGOTS.

@patriciamalemikia2743

10 ай бұрын

Maggots 😂😂

It’s almost like you read my diary. I knew I had issues with relationships. But to realize what I do isn’t normal. Blows my mind. I didn’t realize how lonely I was as a child. I have to pause your videos a lot to gather myself.

@sweetcello3358

Жыл бұрын

Gather myself. That’s lovely.

I have been ghosted by every single person in my life. As in if I don't put in every single piece of effort then I get nothing in return. I have to work so hard to even get people to say "Hi" to me, that is people that I have known my whole life. my mother, my siblings, my "friends". If I don't initiate then I go literally years without talking to other humans. What the fuck am I meant to do? Every single person has faded away. One of my problems is "he's a nice enough guy, I'm sure he'll be fine". That's what I repeatedly get said to my face. Always being everyone's 2nd choice means I never get 1st place in anyone's heart. And society is constructed in such a way that 2nd place means you starve to death. I repeatedly get fired, first head to roll off the block every single time. Sometimes my fault, most of the time, not (mass layoffs etc). "he's a nice enough guy, he's smart, but we gotta save money, well he's smart enough that he'll be fine" No guys, I'm not fine sitting alone, waiting for the invites to parties that never come, after I've opened my house up to you, I won't be "fine" being fired again wondering where I'll get enough money to pay for food, rent and my child's education. I wont be "fine" after losing everything again because ive been generous but just get discarded like a piece of trash because I'm a slight inconvenience. Where are these people that you talk about? Everyone else seems pretty stable in their lives with their friends, their jobs, their security. Any time I offer an olive branch and do what is suggested here I get nothing but that same branch sharpened and used as a weapon against me.

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

Sounds like you're reaching out to the wrong people.

Dear Fairy, I love these videos. One thing I've started doing is asking myself, "What would the fairy say about this situation?" When I'm triggered by my narcissist sister in a family group chat & want to lash out. When I'm sad about an old friendship ending & wanting to check their Instagram knowing that it'll make me even sadder. She was not a good person after all but I still get sad sometimes. Thinking about what you would suggest in that moment actually works.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

That's so great to hear, thank you for sharing! -Cara@TeamFairy

So true all of these! But also recently I realized that some people are fantasizing their trauma by so-called new age narratives like "soulmates" "unconditional love" "mirroring"... "past life experiences"... I don't say they don't exist, but I say that I have met people idealizing their traumatizing experience (not relationship according to me) with an abusive wrong person and finding excuses like " we were soulmates" or" we were lovers in past life" or deeper denials... this is not a spiritual matter when you are abused by an unhealthy person, but finding spiritual excuses for idealizing it... definitely disturbing. It does not help healing trauma, it amplifies it. People should know that there is no excuse for tolerating a bad experience with a wrong person. Noone should stay in it trapped with any excuse. Especially using spirituality for it is very disturbing according to me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Yes, this is a topic I cover a lot.

@bebebete

Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes, I follow them and it makes so much sense. Thank you very much

My mum and dad are both dead, and now , it's my 2 sisters who are dysfunctional and toxic. I have started to distance both of them. I can't recover from my issues if I don't go full no contact. I am moving to a new home very soon, and this is when I will go full no contact. Distance is the first phase. The second phase is totally removing both from my life

Oooh bright shiny red flag. I think I will investigate 🙄

@sunnyadams5842

Жыл бұрын

Lol!! 💜

Perhaps we’re just too afraid to leave cos we’re already too far invested and in my case we almost had a child together. Especially when you dont have any support system because you isolate yourself from people. Just typing this make me feel powerless

I used to be like this. Yes. , they told me openly sometimes they said to me ' I am. ot the person you think I am'.

@maryebner

Жыл бұрын

Omg 😱 you have to run from that guy!!! He could be a psychopath!

Great point about growing up in fear. Amazing how I can see the connections with past fear. Wow!!

Fantastic presentation. Beyond our own childhood, there is so much in our society programming us to accept people that demonstrate these red flags. I wish more people would take heed. Looking back I can see every single minor red-flag turned into a major deal. And every bigger red flag or multiple flags turned into complete disaster. I was better at getting rid of the major flags but let too many of the minor ones go. I simply have no tolerance for dealing with these people telling you who they are directly and indirectly. I cut it off immediately. And look at it as... Not only a win for me but an opportunity for them to find healing in another relationship maybe a friendship at another time...

Oh boy that letter and your response almost described my last relationship. Looking into the dating course because I’m done doing that! 🙌🙌🙌

Thanks for putting this video out

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for listening! -Calista@TeamFairy

I've come to believe that someone saying "you are too good for me" or "I'm not good enough for you" is a red flag. Many may see this as obvious but some of us may not. It may be flattering, but it really means "I'm not putting my all into this relationship." 😢

Struggling with this deep rooted emptiness. Entertaining ppl out of need not because I want to be around them.

Not everyone that says they are not looking for a relationship are toxic- they are being honest. That’s all- not everyone that isn’t looking for a relationship means that they are exploitative persons, longevity and meaningful connection aren’t necessarily linked. For Trauma survivors, we have a particular history that needs to honored and healed/confronted before engaging in romantic/sexual relationships. The relationship landscape has evolved tremendously HOWEVER- we must acknowledge and respect our personal stories to make healthy choices that meets our healed adult needs of the present.

@stormyskyz7881

Жыл бұрын

When someone is willing to use someone for lust but don’t want a relationship… that’s a red flag because they have the mind set that they can use people and than discard

@petrasworld913

Жыл бұрын

In your scenario they are being honest and you make it sound like they're good people. They may be but they're not what I consider good people. I'm just not interested in hanging out with a person who's moral compass says it's ok to use people for as long as you feel like it for sex and companionship.

@petrasworld913

Жыл бұрын

@@stormyskyz7881 Totally.

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

@@petrasworld913 I really actually say that to people who are trying to ask me out, that I'm not looking for a relationship. Or friends who develop crushes on me, I say that & walk away. No sex involved. Some of them get mad that I rejected them, to me that's a red flag.

@personne3837

Жыл бұрын

My ex situationship, he told me he didn’t want a relationship but he kept talking to me for months, kept sending msg, calling me, chasing me, despite knowing i wanted something more serious. he told me many many many times how amazing I was, how lucky he was meeting someone like me, how unique i was blablabla🤮 I saw the red flags shinning but deep down I thought maybe one day he would change his mind, he can't say those words to me without having some feelings...The only thing he wanted was sex without any expectation 😏 It was a waste of time, energy, I made 2 steps back on my healing journey, I was single for 3 years by choice, he opened some deep wounds i thought I healed.

This is your best video! The way you explained the reasoning behavior. “Turning your vulnerability off to numb the abuse and powerless. It was protection back then. - impairs our red flag dysregulation.” - wow!

I have ADHD and CPTSD and one symptom of ADHD (and CPTSD) is RDS or Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. I get an intense and overwhelming feeling of suicide when I experience real or false rejection. I don’t intentionally do it to be abusive; it’s a symptom of my brain that I, no matter how hard I try, can’t control. I came into realizing this the more I learn about my diagnoses so now I’m able to understand why I feel that way and respond to rejection in a more realistic-manner. I’ve been in a few abusive relationships and RDS comes out as a result. I recognize it’s abusive but that was never my intent.

11:56pm EST 5/16/23 I love you Anna! You have helped me so much. I have watched all of your videos for almost a year, now and started your daily practice last Sat. twice a day to the letter. You’re amazing and have nailed CPTSD. I want to thank you for your incredible service and sharing your insight into this complex, misunderstood world. I’m grateful for everything you put out there and it feels like you’re telling my life story with most of your information. With this video and many others you speak about not being able to see how toxic someone is before you get involved with them or how you’re not seeing inauthenticity in people before they end up hurting you. It’s all true, what you’re saying. However, the main topic you specifically mention is about romantic relationships. And that’s great and important. You have a couple that subjects female friends or just being socially disconnected from isolating for so long. But every time I go to watch a video on how to stop getting involved with bad people it’s always about a significant other. Unfortunately, I’m already stuck with a narcissist (10 yrs now)whom I’m working on getting away from but my circumstances are impossible and complicated. I’d do appreciate it if you had any time to do a video, specifically, on knowing how to tell if someone is a real friend or really wants to be your friend or not or is just a phony using you for their own selfish needs, and then ghosts you w/no explanation. I’m talking women friends. I’m a firm believer that women need women friends but since I have been in this bad relationship, I haven’t been able to make any. I moved 400 mi away from my home state friends/family to be w/this man and every single potential friend I have met has dumped me since I’ve been here. He made his friends and family despise me behind my back when he was proposing to me and it goes on and on…but this is just a request with a traumatized 54 yr old woman who is trying to heal and get out of, yet another bad situation, for more videos on how to see red flags in potential friendships before I get burnt again. Thanks for reading. Thanks for everything you do. Sincerely, Trying to heal ❤

Oh Anna you are such a blessing 🙏🏻🙏🏻💜

It also reminds me of the expression "fools rush in". And, the whole point of our coming to this channel is to stop being fools!!! 😂

This is a great video with so many tips. I have always second guessed my self because of my what i perceived as normal childhood. Going slow is a great idea. There is no attachment and THAT makes seeing potential problems easier. Thank you as always Anna for your candor and insight ❤️

Great explanations thank you

great content, wise and practical advise. thx

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for watching! -Calista@TeamFairy

Thank you with all my heart for this video. It's brilliant! 😃

One of your best videos! Makes sense to me!

Really helped me this video . Thank you

Great video! Thank you so much, Crappy Childhood Fairy!

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you too! -Cara@TeamFairy

Ignoring red flags in order to ""keep"" relationships has left me with NO relationships. No One. Family, Friend or co-worker. I have a dog. Even he should have a better home. Trust NO ONE.

10:37 The Daily Practice actually works. I’ve not even been doing it a month and I’m already seeing changes in my behavior and perception. I’ve noticed, for example, that handsome men are checking me out all the time. I thought I might be sending out good nonverbal cues. But then I realized: they might have ALWAYS been checking me out. I just didn’t believe men that good looking would be interested in me.

I never meet healthy people or they run from me.. Its so weird - Im aware and now I finally have cleared the bad fruits out - but then the basket is empty.. Lonely

Took me soooo long to notice red flags and take off the rose glasses. Its actually very easy to notice if someone is self serving now. If someone hates people in general thats a red flag for me

this is so well explained

How about when they tell you flat out, " I am no good for you". Totally ignored that in the past. Thank God those years are over after years of inner healing 🙏

Spot on! Wow

I'm glad she reshaped this because it is helpful

You look so beautiful. Love your hair. Been listening to your videos. Thank you.

🎯 yup. You read me like a book

We give the benefit of the doubt. After all, nobody's perfect. I'd have to live as a hermit to avoid it.

The financial emergency is indicative of all kinds of addictions …

The second lady's story is so similar to mine with the stage 4 clinger dude. Oh my gosh from the suic--- threats if I left, demands when I was sick, the constant contact but he was later diagnosed with schizophrenia. There were some differences: my guy was obsessed with certain types of women, saying he's afraid I'll leave him for a guy of my same race and cheat on him, he'd say just weird AF stuff that made no freaking sense whatsoever, wanting me to financially support him (I refused), everytime. I allowed myself to put up with that BS for 8 and a half years because I was afraid to leave and thought he was a psycho and would do something to me. He's kept in touch with small talk via Facebook the 10 years that I've kept him out of my life. That same guy came back 7 months after my mom died in 2021 and have been kind and supportive and I only really allowed him back because my narcistic family had taken such a toll on me and Ifelt completely alone. Plus, I'm a chronically Ill, caregiver too so that added to my misery and wanting someone else to talk to that I actually knew. He's ok these days but he gets mad at me when I tell him how he's affected me so badly from the past. Makes excuses and just said he was immature and insecure. Nope that was more than just immaturity and insecurity. He's just mentally off, period. I feel like digging below his surface level niceness reveals a lot. I told him several times that he should have had his finacnces together before he even reached out the me and he said he doesn't agree. What do you think, y'all shouldn't a man have his finaces together if he wants to pursue a relationship with a woman. We're not in a relationship now, I'm just trying to see what this guy is all about. And see if he serious and what's the real issue he has.

@Moonbunny55

Жыл бұрын

You said that he hurt you really bad in the past and appears that he hasn’t changed at all. I’m hearing what you want is that his finances need to be together so if his finances are not together, I would not get back together with him. He said he was diagnosed with schizophrenia, so basically, he has mental health issues which puts you in the caregiver role automatically. Unless you want to be a caregiver to this man, I honestly can’t see how that would work out.

@peaceglory5973

Жыл бұрын

I think you already know what he's about, you've outlined your concerns. Good on you for keeping firm boundaries. But I also agree with the other commenter, it doesn't seem like a good fit for you. This guy is just going to exhaust you like your narcissistic family did. He's suck all the life energy out of you. I get that it gets lonely. I really do. I'm in a similar situation with no close family around & no friends because they were toxic relationships. But trust me, it is better to be lonely & taking care of yourself, than being lonely in a sadistic relationship where you are my safe. I think you know the answer to your own question you just need to be brave to make that choice.

I became so paranoiac with any possibility of red flags, it makes me super nervous and super vigilant which is causing problems now... I don't have any problems detecting red flags and fortunately I won't get stuck in any relationships including some bad friendships. But it is seriously hindering me establishing good relationships either...

Hi! I love your videos but sometimes (almost always) i dont have focus to listen to your 1 hour video at once due to the c-ptsd symtoms, have u considered making shorter videos (part 1, part 2 and so on?). Just a thought 😊 thank you for ur amazing content!

That woman seems to be with a borderline man. I attracted some clingy men like this. I had a boyfriend in my teens who'd cry often and hit his head against thing when angry or jelous. He was jelous and controlling, and I was very relaxed normally, but within time I started to be as controlling and abusive as him. He'd get drunk and create drama every week, put his life in risk oftenly. I was blind because I was in love, he was funny, charismatic (our friends and ppl in general used to like him), I wanted to protect him and take care of him, but it was just too much. After 1 year I moved city and made many other friends. When he went to visit me there, he was so jelous, having meltdowns all the time, I realized I didn't love him anymore. When I broke up with him was so good. I felt such a relief! Then, few months after that, I knew he was on heavy drugs!!! I almost felt guilty... but don't... actually I moved on very fast, no bad feelings for him, just some pity. But I think our relationship caused me to be 10 x more avoidant in adult life.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

7 ай бұрын

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I relate, and I'm proud of you for breaking up. I'm glad you're here!

I saw the flags in a group and I ignored it. I wanted to fit in didn't want to be lonely. I stayed in a toxic group even substances and I got hurt

It reminds me of the expression "birds of a feather".

It is so painful to listen and to recognize things. Wish I knew this 40 years ago.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

I'm so glad you're here now! -Calista@TeamFairy

Hello I love your videos and get a lot from them. If I may, can I state something that comes to my mind often: we don't have to be in sexual relationships with people. Why that's the driving goal, to be in a happy marriage, when that's not for everyone. It's not the litmus test of healing from childhood trauma, is it? It takes a lot of pressure off when I believe it's okay to be on my own. I would welcome a marriage but do I even have the capacity to do that and would I be happier and more stable working on myself with my dog as my companion? Thanks again.

I've sworn off men, but women are almost as bad, and often more covert. All my life I wanted female friendships, which I never knew how to do, but I don't think they are meant to be either. I thought I found one, but no, the red flags were there, but didn't really affect me until the person she called her 'nemesis' left on a trip. Guess who is in the firing line.... Ah well, more charity work in my future I think :) So, add to the red flags if someone uses words like 'arch enemy', 'nemesis' and has to move frequently due to neighbour battles. The sights WILL be turned on you at some point.

So this dear woman is in the hospital in intensive care fighting for her life, and the boyfriend is focused on himself and his "magical" experience, which he envisioned. She finally recovers enough to come home, and he, being oblivious to her need for rest, begins demanding attention like a child. (?) I have learned the hard way to have one basic word for individuals this oblivious to the lives and existence of others: "Yeah-bubbye." Grey rock "so busy" gray rock "so busy" grey rock, "so busy". Hints will be ignored, but he will eventually meet another, and fade out because it suits him, perhaps. This man strikes me as the female version of Glen Close in the movie Fatal Attraction. Not certain, but if I recall correctly, she had borderline personality disorder. One of the most frightening. I pray for this dear lady that she won't need a body guard to depart in peace from this man.

How do you heal from this crap????😓 I've been in the 12 step program more than 13 years. Decades of therapy and I am still in the middle of it. I'm 44 What do need to do

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

I know how discouraging that feeling can be, but you can heal! As a first step, I'd recommend that you check out Anna's free course 'The Daily Practice'. Here is a link if you're interested: bit.ly/CCF_DailyPractice -Calista@TeamFairy

why do these videos make me cry my head off. Because I identify with them so deeply.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Ай бұрын

You're in the right place then. Hope you will find help here! Nika@TeamFairy

What can you do if you have no friends to give you feedback?

If I am being brutally honest, I have got into relationships with women when I was completely aware that they were no good and bad news. Simply because I was so physically attracted to them. They were stunning! I wanted the sexual relationship. But this was when I was in my 20's. It wasn't a lack of alertness, it was just because I was lusting after them. But I never allowed myself to become emotionally invested. I remained detached, and that way I couldn't be hurt. You only get hurt because of your own ridiculous expectations, fantasies and obsessions. Don't have expectations and you won't be disappointed. Men are DUMB when it comes to a young, beautiful woman. And women know it.

@clairejohnson6522

Жыл бұрын

I wish you would post that on Narcissistic channels as men would take notice of you as you are a male.I have always thought that as men are ruled by their 'Urges',that a pretty face and good figure will blind them to the woman being bad and Narcissistic.It's really nice to see a man being honest.

@lizvtaz6

Жыл бұрын

"The ridiculous expectations, fantasies and obsessions" huh? You mean "expection this person to behave like an normal human being and not abuse you, lie to you and so on"?

@stormyskyz7881

Жыл бұрын

Geez guy… you sound toxic.?sex only, never saw these women as human, never invested into anyone? Sounds like you need to look at yourself

@michaeljeffers6614

Жыл бұрын

@@clairejohnson6522 Thank you. I think being 100% honest is the only way to make any progress. I'm 44 now, ( that's not my pic by the way) and I'm in a relationship with a 29 year old, who is very pretty and a really kind person. These days, if i was single, I don't care how good looking a woman is, if her personality is toxic I'm just not interested. Been there and done that in my younger days. Although I think with some men it can go the other way. The saying 'There is no fool like an old fool' can ring true. ;) I think what's interesting about manipulative people, is that they are not always particularly intelligent, they just prey on people. If you are a nasty piece of work, and you KNOW 100% that someone is strongly attracted to you, then it's incredibly easy to play that person. Anyone can do it, if they want to be horrible. It doesn't take brains to do it.

@clairejohnson6522

Жыл бұрын

@@michaeljeffers6614 You've lived and learnt,unlike so many people. As you say also about them ,they are not intelligent whatsoever.If I'm not mistaken i think that might be a male thing about not becoming emotionally invested.I think with women if we are intimate with a man then we are automatically emotionally invested. I'm glad you have found a decent woman,at last.Thanks for the insight from you and putting into words what I've always suspected of men ,but not being one, didn't know for certain.Greetings 🇬🇧

52:11

✨🙏♥️🙏♥️✨🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Honestly, the crying guy you read about in the second clip gives me covert narc vibes...

"They say they don't want a relationship." "They' have an addiction."

Experience tells me, he probably is not being transparent about who he is, what he actually wants and needs While she tells his every aspect of her person. STOP it dear! Get away from him, he is already living, " away from you"

Those that would have been my "red flag" people couldn't be depended on because they were negative & hypercritical about everyone or harbored jealousies. I had a belief from a very young age that I was defective & I didn't trust my first impressions. I strived not to be like the judgemental/hypercritical people that made up my family of origin. Growing up in my family of origin was like an emotional meat grinder.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

10 ай бұрын

We understand as few others can. You're in the right place :) -Calista@TeamFairy

Not safe 😮

Getting BPD or vulnerable narc vibes from the that guy is being described by the 63 yr. old. #yikes.

🤍

Seems like 90% of the population is super toxic as hell… and it sucks to think that I may never find a proper wife. Yet I understand that maybe in another life I have been a father because I naturally have that feeling in my subconscious. This life was to understand other things of life.

What if everything is a red flag.

Anna, do yoi offer 1-on-1 sessions?

@youtubeblockedme5864

Жыл бұрын

I believe she does check out her website. I've heard her reference that before.

He just doesn't like her.

I have never had a person who shows up for me. not once in my life. Except one time, my high school friends about 4 years out of HS threw a surprise party for my birthday one year at a pub that was 1 hour away from me. I got a call at 11:30 at night from one of my "friends" asking where I was. No one had called me to invite me. "I love you, I want to be with you" was given to me by the biggest narcist that I have ever known who's entire schtick was to extract every last piece of monetary value from me before throwing me away. Someone who told me it was my fault for putting up with a shitty relationship because I had been the one who pursued her, and when I asked if this was going to be reciprocal that's when the problems started. If I don't aggressively peruse then I literally get nothing from anyone. Maybe I look to intimidating, my voice is too deep, but I get nothing if I'm not masking right up and putting on a show. Ive tried simmering down like you suggest, and no one wants to be in my life. No one will say hello, no one will approach me. Well, my son, who is 5 and not developed enough to know I'm a piece of trash does. but really, that's the same childhood infatuation shit my mum pulled on me before the serious abuse started. I love him and would never do anything like that to him, but one day he's going to wake up and be his own person, it's a bonding thing, its a parent and child thing. I basically live for him, and I want to show him what healthy is. But I simply can't because I'm barely a human. and it breaks my heart.

Anyone else here find that they tend to date first responders?

We are all gonna d1e alone if we keep searching for healthy people. That's my ignorant impression... I actually don't mind, i don't feel worthy of being healthy or being with a healthy person for one miserable day. XD one single mistake and we're deemed not worthy by others anyway... what's the point in all of this? Sometimes i really lose track of it. And it's funny to see disregulated people that throw up in our faces that WE'RE the disregulated ones, and they are perfect in all aspects of perfectness. I seriously don't even tell them to look in the mirror anymore, 'cause it's what they do everyday, admire their own perfect image.

@lg4449

Жыл бұрын

Atleast you get to choose

@lizvtaz6

Жыл бұрын

You fool. My grandfather tolerated shitty people his entire life. And he DID d1e alone. Because none of those people, including his family members cared about him, they did not give a shit that he was dying they were annoyed that he got attention for being sick, not them. So they started fighting with each other.

@corvus_knives

Жыл бұрын

@@lizvtaz6 you don't understand, dear. No sarcasm intended. I'm getting rid of sh1tty ppl in my life and there are VERY few left!!!! I'm feeling isolated and it sucks, even family members have to go sometimes... everyone that has a contribution to my poor mental health state has to be pushed away. Friends make me wanna drink and smoke, and it goes on and on... don't want to expose more than that. I'm not an alcoholic, but i get judged by smoking... BY alcoholics that think they don't have an addiction... it's pure BS you know... maybe it's this country... i'll try tk get a job elsewhere, pack my stuff and go.

@lizvtaz6

Жыл бұрын

@@corvus_knives Look, first you say that "if you search for healthy people you are gonna d.e alone". Then you say "people are judging me for smoking I am getting rid of every toxic person". I do not see the connection. I commented on your original comment because certain things were implied there. If you have a problem with somebody calling certain people "toxic" you should prob get rid of that problem because we need a word for dangerous people that you should not get involved with because they are abusive. "Toxic" is a usefull word here. Personally I would have never judge you for smoking. And i think I understand. I am no contact with my entire family. No contact with almost all of my old friends. Even moved countries.

@corvus_knives

Жыл бұрын

@@lizvtaz6 thank you for your consideration. I will keep that in mind as i go on trying to be a better person to myself. Solitude is good but to a certain point. *English is not my mother language, sorry for that confusion, and it's not like i'm any good at expressing in brazilian portuguese as well. :/

Fairy I love you, but lately you reupload old videos, I would like to see more new content.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

There are still about 5 videos a week of new content :) -Cara@TeamFairy

@KidCrowder

Жыл бұрын

She uses old videos as a reference point to explain the issue at hand

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

It’s a compilation of vids on the same theme.

Omg, been listening for so long and this one hit home. Thankfully.

I will not put up with anyone I’ll stay alone tired of being used ❤@lorraineamicothemakeupartist 😮

🤍