I can’t speak for all 4s Tom but I can say this because it took me a long time to accept envy as my sin. The way I envy is based upon my perception of how others seem to be happy with things I am not. I envy what seems to be normal to me. There’s a thought of “if only I could be content with …. Like everyone else.” My life would be easier

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Right

@Diggory100

2 ай бұрын

Well said - good words

@michaelk622

4 күн бұрын

My envy is the similar. Thanks for the comment! I thought a lot of my 4 personality was due to trauma…nope…just who I am. I am envious all other types now…😂😢.

I have learned as a four to accept my envy. Sometimes it’s difficult but when it overwhelms me I say to myself: “It’s okay. Remember you have everything you need in life as long as you live in the here and now. You are so lucky because of your deep nature and spirituality. Not many people have this, but YOU have” 🙏🏼

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

That is great...

7:28 It’s kind of like an unwanted dragon that’s sleeping on the inside. 🐉 Different situations causes disturbances that wakes it up. It’s a big uncontrollable force, spewing fire and causing destruction to the heart. How it appears on the outside to others? If I’m strong enough, it’s invisible for the most part. Observant people may notice a shifting light in my eyes, less eye contact, quietness, and that “I’m sorry, I’ve got to go” (if there’s not an easy exit). With enough energy, behind a smile, I can swallow the dragon’s flames deep inside - to where I have to retreat and repair the damages with my own means in private. But when I’ve run out of strength to tame the beast of envy, its fire spews through my words and shoots through my eyes like daggers. My entire energy will change, as my sunny side sets and the storms roll in. Sometimes it’s sarcastic “support” with scoffs and eye rolls. Sometimes it’s a complete breakdown of the floodgates that could no longer hold back the tears of my lowliness. The clouds of pessimism don’t just tower over my head, but spread to anyone in my radius, which drives them to seek shelter away from me if it persists. What does this look like for the person that envy is focused on? I’ll either move towards or away from them: When I move closer, I have to be careful to keep envy beneath my feet, as I combat it with compassion for the other person. Of course, they’ll do something fabulous, to which pokes and the beast slips right from underneath. Another fight within myself in private. Another call to God with shame. But I continue to regain as I care for the other person. As God continues to give me the strength to maintain. When I move away though, envy burns relationship bridges, even ones never crossed. I wave from the other side of the cliff, pretending the gap doesn’t exist. There will be interesting situations where a divine intervention creates an alternative path. In the light of God, the beast will soften and a relationship sprouts. But in my sin, I will avoid and things remain barren. I’m sorry to admit that I move away and stay away, even if the possible relationship has unforeseen greatness. But one day, all of this - all of us -will be healed. Our knight of light has come and will come again. These dragons will be destroyed forever. Until that day, we do our best and remain in faith. Because despite it all, there is still hope.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

AWESOME

As a 4, a passage of the Bible that really helps me when feeling envious is Psalm 37 ”Fret not yourself because of evildoers; be not envious of wrongdoers! For they will soon fade like the grass and wither like the green herb.“

@twlahue

15 күн бұрын

Hey, thanks for sharing that Bible verse! It's a good reminder to not worry too much about what others are up to.

This is exactly WHY I love the Enneagram! It reveals the negatives. All other personality assessments give you only the positive. This is a really insightful video. Thank you! I have learned so much about myself....which helps... I WANT to grow....and 'KNOWING' helps that growth if you're willing to change. One thing I love about being a '4' is that we are very willing to admit our 'dark side'...and thereby can work towards dealing with it ( only with God's help).

@twlahue

5 күн бұрын

I'm so glad you found the video insightful! The Enneagram is truly a tool for self-discovery and growth.

I am a four. I can relate to what you are saying. Not married or any children I find all these things are more pronounced.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing that.

I'll have to watch and rewatch and rewatch and rewatch this. I'm definitely more of a wing 5 than a wing 3 and with my envy, it can be as simple as recognition. Or as complex as their "easy life" as I see it or their adventurous events and posts on Facebook that causes a lot of actual interaction on Facebook versus I see myself as neglected and ignored unless I go into the darkness and post out of my negativity. Funnily enough though I already have that adventurous life I just don't post it a lot because no one would react to it in my perception. I usually don't harbor anything ill-intentioned about the person though ironically enough and the people I envy are often the ones I love the most and know authentically and I care a lot about them as people.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Cool.

I am an 8 married to a 4. It took almost 50 years for him to overcome this, but he did, and life is sooo good without it. Study of the enneagram helped a lot. It was recommended to us by a psychologist in the early 90s.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

That is great!

I really appreciate your enthusiasm for the true meaning of words! You have been a light in the shadows for this 4!!!

@twlahue

3 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you!

You are truly awesome Tom and very very generous sharing and working so hard to understand us the 4s😂

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Happy to help!

Around 15 minutes in when discussing how the Type Four is wondering why other people don't feel off and then chastising themself for I wish I could just go along with this like everyone else... that really hit home for me. Sometimes, I think, as Fours, we inadvertently invent problems when there are none. My Eight relatives would be like, what are you whining about? Nothing is wrong. Just get on with it! Or my husband who is a One and who is not nearly as troubled as I am when things are "off" between us... He knows we'll get back on track, but in that moment, it's like my feelings take over and I can't see the big picture. And often, I think my gut-type relatives (the Eights and One I mentioned) are right 😊I have this experience with Six's, too, because sometimes my Three wing kicks in, and I'm like, it's time to stop thinking of every scenario and get the thing done. So I think maybe that's the anecdote to going down the feelings rabbit hole. Bring in your objective Five wing or your Three wing that is ready to get back to work, or whatever it is and to realize that everyone feels inadequate in some way from time to time. The Four is just more deeply in touch with it, and the problem is that it can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. To this end, Fours should, by and large, stay off of social media, particularly Facebook and Instagram, when they're not feeling good about themselves or their lives. Seeing the best moments of other people's lives only feeds the envy and negative feelings, bringing us down further. What eventually helps me get back on track are humor and gratitude, just like it was discussed towards the end of the video. If I try, I can almost always find something to be grateful for, and that is a way out of self-destructive envy. That said, it typically has to come from within me rather than someone else who is trying to make me feel better. I also go back to one of my favorite quotations from Truman Capote. He is often credited with inventing the genre of the true crime novel, with his publication of In Cold Blood. The experience, despite the success of his book, was very destructive to him. He became addicted to drugs and alcohol and never publish another book. He is quoted with saying something to the effect of that there have been far more tears shed over dreams that have come true than dreams that are not realized. I'm paraphrasing, but when I heard it, it made really got my attention. And as a Four, when I think of this, I can realize that maybe I might feel broken but I am, in reality, doing better than I think I am and that even though I may wish for x, y, and z, those things won't necessarily make me any happier and that what I believe is missing is only in my head, not in reality.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing your insights, Laura. It's really impactful how you relate the Enneagram to personal experiences. Keep embracing your unique perspective!

No this is exactly what my insides feel like. I've done a lot of work to not be this way but it's pervasive. It just never ends and I accepted it by this point of my very old 24 yrs of age

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Wow, thanks for sharing that.

Excellent analysis. I think that you are naturally great at intuitively understanding people and speaking in a way that is easily understood and nonjudgemental. I am happy that you are touching the lives of people who need guidance and counseling and setting them on a life path with more clarity

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Wow, thank you!

Best 4 video yet, very empathetic and insightful!

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Awe... Thanks

Your description of this is excellent. I love listening to it.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Awesome, thanks.

Thank you so much Tom. Everything you said is sooo true. At least, i find myself in what you describe✨🙏 what a great video!!

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

You are so welcome

I totally felt that, "I can't like this because everyone likes it and when I do come up with something that's new and the other person is curious I'm judging all of a sudden 'what? you didn't knew about this? are you really into music? are you really dedicated to your job? how come you haven't done this in all this time?'", it's so funny because when there's something good going why is it good and when there's nothing going on then why is there nothing going on. Never satisfied with what is haha

@twlahue

20 күн бұрын

It's crazy how people's perceptions can change so quickly based on trends or what's popular at the moment!

I found your video very enlightening and it really rang true to my experience :D

@twlahue

3 ай бұрын

I'm so glad!

I can't speak for all 4s but I'm autistic and I've come to realize that's why I've felt different. I think neurodivergence is a big part of cresting a type 4 personality. But I could be wrong.

@Sing4God87

2 ай бұрын

Totally agree. Me too.

@twlahue

Күн бұрын

That's some deep self-reflection there! Keep exploring and learning more about yourself.

Oh boy, here we go.

Whenever I watch Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure, I can't help but think of a Type 4.

@twlahue

20 күн бұрын

Totally get what you mean! Robert Smith definitely gives off Type 4 vibes.

I've certainly experienced rejecting something that's popular just because it's popular. But it's only because I genuinely tend to find I don't like what the masses like. When I was younger I went along just fine listening to mainstream pop music if it was catchy. Now that I'm older though I'm looking at people like o.O why do you like Taylor swift so much? I just don't get it. I really feel the truth of the matter is that 4s are more deeply in tune and therefore are not moved as easily. We crave things that are deeply poetic and true to the duality of ight and darkness in the world

@megankaywin

2 ай бұрын

But I definitely get annoyed when something indie that I like and possess as part of my individuality gets popular. LOL Type 4: I'm so alone 😢 *pushes everyone away*

@brandonanderson6691

2 ай бұрын

​@megankaywin yeah or even for me as a Type 4. *no one talks to me!* also me *doesn't reach out to people but make posts that could cause someone to reach out then gets angry about them reaching out to me*

@gospel9224

2 ай бұрын

​@@megankaywini feel exactly the same😬 an example is all these people starting to travel in my family whereas i was very 'unique' by being the only one travelling by myself for years. I feel common now and i hate it, even not feeling to travel anymore as it has become so common to me...😬

@twlahue

Күн бұрын

Totally get what you mean! It's all about finding what resonates with you.

I block social media accounts that trigger me with their perfect everything so i don't get them in my feed haha, other wise i will be triggered constantly. This video feels the same to me about 9s missing files. I felt like a 9 on that video, here, definitely a 4. My "missing files" is having lots of files and not knowing how to sort them out. What is me, what is what others want me to be, what I do not want to be, what I want because I am envious of others having and the attention it gets them, etc etc. I get paralysed and feel suffocated, and there I shut it down and intellectualize, and just go robot mode. When I go to a restaurant, everyone's plate looks delicious. Even half empty dished of empty tables. I want to order the same, but I know that when I get it it won't feel the same to me. So I want to order "what I like", but what I like feels boring, so I order something weird and new to me. There, if the dish tasted bad, its feels x3 worse, from the strangers' food to my perfered dish, ending up in a dish I don't even like.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Wow, thanks for sharing. So interesting.

4s require a lot of understanding which can be exhausting.. I have some in my life and I love the challenge they pose to me as a 9.. I get it but it’s still hard to ever feel safe with them..

@twlahue

13 күн бұрын

Understanding different Enneagram types can indeed be challenging, but also rewarding!

A good illustration of this is in film/play Amadeus. It's not really focused on the music/composer per se, rather a character study Salieri (4, likely 4w3) vs. Mozart (7, likely 7w6).

@twlahue

3 ай бұрын

Right, thanks.

I am the definition of a 4 and I think you got a lot right. Not sure I’d be ready for coaching but definitely interested in a conversation.

@twlahue

19 күн бұрын

I'm glad you found the content relatable! Feel free to reach out for a casual chat anytime.

Hi Tom I love your videos Yes. I am a 4 Envy? I experienced in all of my life people are envy of me. I do sometimes envy people in good romantic relationships But learning that the grass is not greener over there. Yes an I do still wish for good loving relationship someone who can see me for who I am.

@twlahue

3 ай бұрын

Well said!

@brandonanderson6691

2 ай бұрын

Yeah that's also what I've learned too. I envy my married with families friends but then I also have to remember that they have interpersonal conflicts and restrictions I, as a single man, do not have to deal with and if I'm being honest do not want to deal with. I want all the roses without the thorns that go along, and are necessary for it's survival, with the rose bush.

@ornameldung9893

2 ай бұрын

@@brandonanderson6691 sometimes I was thinking maybe 4 will get along better with other 4. Just because we are wired the same So can be understood very easily. Just thinking 🤔

"Fours go with the shame." 💯 How are you guys okay??? 😂 Yes! But I don't relate to the introjection, as you describe it, because that would go against authenticity. I tend to see people as sheep, and it affects everything. I like what I like whether it's popular or not. But a lot of times it isn't popular and that can lead me to feeling Other. I sometimes like things that are extra-ordinary maybe because I'm artistic and they allow me to express bigger ideas but also it's an expression of the "more" I've always wanted, such as heaven and the New Earth we're promised. It's not about bucking the trends, at least for me. (4w5) Some of this I didn't really relate to or I'm not sure if I feel that way or not.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Thanks for sharing that.

Thanks! 😊🔥

@twlahue

13 күн бұрын

WOW, thanks

Omg how true it is:)

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Thanks

Maybe it's just me since other comments seems to agree with you, but I just want to add things I disagree with. You seem to translate envy to the more layman definition of it, but for me (INFP 4w5) it is emotional regulation and technical skills that I'm envy with. But these things are that I don't wish people to lose, even ones I'm envy to, because the way to get it for myself is to learn the depth from those people, so I can't learn about it if they lose it, can I? For material wealth, it's something I want to get for myself by being me, sure I look at people like, "hmm would it be fun if I have those?" but tbh I don't think it's envy per se, at least not by this video or common definition of it. I think it's closer to motivation to do well in my own life so I can afford those, if I think it's really worth it. Tbh I think what other types don't understand is that we don't want "your version" of that thing. For example, emotional fulfillment? Yes I envy people who can confidently say "I'm emotionally fulfilled" but I know that if I dig deep into them, I'd see that what emotionally fulfill that person aren't 1:1 what would fulfill me. We just learn and mix-and-match others versions to see what fits to our own puzzles. At the end of the day, we'd still want our own version of it. And I don't see anything's wrong with that.

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Thanks for clearing that up!

@letsreadtextbook1687

2 ай бұрын

​@@twlahue You're awesome!

@busrakatmerlikaya8482

2 ай бұрын

wow, I've just read an awesome description of me as an "envious" 4w5&INFP. insightful! thanks. and also thank you, @twlahue

This video is making me cringe 😂

@twlahue

2 ай бұрын

Sorry