Hello Subscribers: Thank you for checking out my videos and posting such thoughtful comments. It's inspiring to read your self-reflections and insights. I love how we grow from each other's sharing. One thing I have learned after years of reading comments is that we are not alone. Many of us have the same experiences when it comes to relationships. We are all trying to make sense of attachment trauma and learn better skills of relating. Great job everyone - keep going and keep learning! As I'm sure you can understand, I'm not able to respond to all the comments and questions here on KZread. I know this can be disappointing sometimes. Please forgive me. It is challenging to find the time for the careful consideration that is needed in order to respond to your heartfelt reflections. Even so, your vulnerability shines through. I know behind each comment is a real person with real feelings who's hurting or who’s reporting a triumph. I know you are doing the best you can while trying to make sense of life’s suffering. We are all grappling with what it means to be human. I’m sorry that I’m not always able to respond to your comments directly. That being said, I'm sharing this post to offer you a few resources in an attempt for us to stay connected. Keep in mind that I do read most comments here on KZread. Your words are received. I review comments daily, which serves as a way to organize content for future videos. If you have a question or an idea for a video that you think is important to explore when it comes to learning about relationships and healing attachment trauma, then I want to hear about it. Please submit your questions and ideas here: www.alanrobarge.com/questions ____ Many of us want to know how to heal, how to change, how to be more secure in our relationships. This is why I created the course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Many of our behaviors in relationships are habitual - meaning we act out of autopilot. Our autopilot Response comes from past conditioning of negative experiences. When attachment injuries go unaddressed, we become insecure in our relationships. The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course describes each specific type of guardedness, which is how we try to protect ourselves from getting hurt again, while also attempting to get our attachment needs met. While we cannot change the past, we can change how we respond in the moment and in the future. This course offers you insights and tools as new ways to respond in your relationships. The Four Responses are Poking, Running, Hiding, and Submitting. You’re invited to take the quiz to learn more about your Response. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz ____ I created an 8-week program and membership community based on the guiding principle of Self-Directed Healing Work #selfhealers that I want to share with you. The community is called Improve Your Relationships. The focus is about healing attachment injuries in the context of relationship repair in all areas of our lives. When we look at the big picture of how attachment injuries and attachment trauma occurred in our lives, we are able to begin seeing our relationship choices from a whole new perspective. We gain access to inner resources that shift how we relate and respond to old hurts. It's a process. It's layered. It requires commitment. This is what the community is all about - committing to your healing work. You are invited to join us. The community members are kind and supportive. We are an established group. The feedback and testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. Please check out the link for more information: www.alanrobarge.com/community ____ Also, in addition to checking out my course and/or joining us in the Community, please consider becoming a Sustaining Supporter by making a financial contribution. Your contribution helps guarantee continued quality and accessible content. If you benefit from my videos and want to show your support for the value offered, then please make a donation: www.alanrobarge.com/donate ____ Thank you for being a channel subscriber and watching my videos. And remember, we invest in our healing work because “Emotional Connections Matter!” Best regards, Alan Robarge Attachment-Focused Psychotherapist www.alanrobarge.com/

These last two videos have sent me to tears. Begging for sex & hugs is humiliating.

@4exquisiteservice680

5 жыл бұрын

I've been in that empty place.

@twinflamefound

5 жыл бұрын

Sweetheart, I'm so sorry for your abuse and pain. To break from this, delve into the journey of self love. It may be uncomfortable at first but it will break you from that strong desire to get it elsewhere. Self love is anything from running yourself a hot bath, buying yourself some good food, not torturing yourself with harmful thoughts, going for walks in nature. Essentially, nurture yourself! Give it time, you'll feel that cloud lift. It takes time, but time passes anyway. It's so worth it. Focus on you, not them. You deserve your full attention. That's how you take your power back. They were broken individuals that did not know how to love you the way you deserve. Much love and hugs to you. You deserve this. 💕🌈

@jtibbs5676

5 жыл бұрын

Yes it is. Humiliating in fact.

@ilenek.5428

3 жыл бұрын

I gave myself a new perspective because he had been so stingy with his affection for sooo long. Even blaming me saying that I was the one who "never wanted it" when he made half hearted, unromantic attempts. Now that I look back, I believe it was all intentional. I decided to cut off all my affection about 2 yrs ago. So I say the cooty-cat is on lock down ;) I'm leaning towards separating soon. I think I'll probably heal quickly once removed from this situation.

@touchdaroad688

2 жыл бұрын

this is me

The funny thing is that my dismissive avoidant ex said that physical touch was his love language 🙄 he wouldn’t even cuddle after sex or in bed before sleeping. Wouldn’t greet me with a hug. Was sooo distant like a wall. So I became more touchy to show him what I was wanting. I also confused sex with intimacy because it was the only time I felt closer to him emotionally.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

I hear you. If the topic of the video resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins September 7th. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

@Astrologcomedy

Жыл бұрын

I dated a guy for 6 weeks then we were intimate and he didn’t cuddle with me afterwards or in the morning. It was very awkward. I blocked him and moved on. There were other red flags too that showed he was emotionally unavailable

My boyfriend never really kissed me. If he did, his eyes were open, looking over my shoulder. Most of the time, intimacy was quick, no cuddling after, if I said this hurt my feelings he asked if I was going to cry about it. Other times he was very loving and sweet. Over time, I started to withhold affection because it hurt to get rejected. This would make him mad. I am an anxious attachment so this was even more confusing and hurtful to me. 💔

@Paarthurnaxdova

4 жыл бұрын

Sarah Jane drop that guy

@forjusticeandtruth

3 жыл бұрын

Sounds abusive.. asking if you were going to cry as if to mock you. Sounds like my prick ex bf.

@mokone3099

2 жыл бұрын

Sarah my girlfriend is the exact same way. No kissing during sex, no touching during sex infact no touching at any time. She claims she doesn't like cuddles. What woman doesn't like cuddling? Am thinking of walking out of this relationship. It's been 3 years and her behavior gets worse. She initiates absolutely nothing

@Mulania007

2 жыл бұрын

You lost me at my boyfriend. It should be my ex-boyfriend. Don't confuse chemistry with familiarity. Who in your past (childhood) withheld love from you)?

@DiscoveryWonders

2 жыл бұрын

@@mokone3099 she sounds Asperger or as someone with traits of Cluster B group disorders

I did become touch starved! When you dont offer sexual touch it crossed over to all touch... It shuts down your your heart to even trust you deserve any touch!!!

@CosmicHealingGoddess

4 жыл бұрын

I’ve manifested men who are emotionally unavailable and so immature when it comes to intimacy. This has caused me to shut down completely on an emotional level. Now I have this belief that there is no point expending my effort or time to ppl who don’t appreciate the love given. The men I’ve had only want sex but don’t want to make an effort in any other area. Always made me feel used and void.

@CosmicHealingGoddess

4 жыл бұрын

Wild Bird they are broken and very wounded but makes me think I must be too in order to attract these kind of ppl?!? I’ve realized I’m a emotional avoidant as well although I long for beautiful connection. I finally meet the person of my dreams and open up only to get burned in the end. But I wasn’t innocent in situation either just let myself go completely. It felt so beautiful to let go and go with the flow. Healing now and hopefully one day I can experience an authentic, beautiful relationship of give and take on both ends. Loving myself first and filling my own cup then maybe I can manifest something special...one day. Wishing you the best. Don’t give up on live. Focus on healing yourself and doing things that make you happy. When you least expect it, the universe will deliver what you desire. Stay positive 🤗 best of luck 🌹

@DiscoveryWonders

2 жыл бұрын

Yes this is real and it is called Affection touch deprivation syndrome or Cassandra syndrome.

I watched a vid about how a person overcompensates with sex/sexual touch when their basic need for touch is constantly being denied. I forgot the title. I wanted to share it with someone.

I don’t know whether I’m crying of joy for the fact that I’ve finally understood why he’s been so hard for me to figure out, or of sadness because I just wish this would be a normal healthy relationship..

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Empathy to you Yara. If the topic resonated with you, you may be interested in checking out my membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. In the community we can talk about emotional availability, secure attachment, boundaries, finding the right kind of partner for us, and learning how to say goodbye when necessary. A new recurring round of our 8-week program begins this week. You're invited to join us. www.alanrobarge.com/community

I think it all starts with a SENSE of DESERVING LOVE and affection. Those who are in relationships with “cold and motionless partners” could address with a therapist why they settle for people who are unable to meet their needs in the first place. We get what we choose. The love you think you deserve is the one you will get.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Well said. I'm reminded of how our thoughts can influence our choices. Glad you resonated with this video. Thanks for commenting. Please also share this video with others who may like it.

My ex fiancée fit this description exactly. I always used to tell her that I felt like she kept me at arms length. I see now that what she was doing was maintaining this emotional unavailability, and yes, denying lots of affection including the sexual type. What has me most curious is, why was she this way? She was like this from day one. This was not something that happened over the course of our long-term relationship. She was always that way to begin with. So, why are people self-sabotaging like this? It always caused me chronic low-grade anxiety about the relationship, and now I understand why. She always turned the tables on me and made it my problem, like I was just needy or clingy and anxious. Clearly, the feedback she was getting from me, was a result of what she was putting out there, and she didn’t understand. I just wanted to connect with her. This was a very enlightening video, wow.

@guitawrizt

5 жыл бұрын

Had one like this- very debilitating experience. Wrecks your psyche to no end.

@alexism.malone7185

5 жыл бұрын

@@guitawrizt sure does. It's awful.

@snowwalker9999

4 жыл бұрын

David Nightingale she did understand. She was aware of everything she was doing. She cared about you but she didn't love herself enough to have admiration for someone who admired her. I'm currently in an exact same type of relationship. Voluntarily suffering and keep hoping she'll wake up one day. I know that will probably never happen.

@Blueminx1

4 жыл бұрын

@@snowwalker9999 SpartanLifeCoach videos on counter-dependency will explain a lot. They explained the way I've been in the past. If she understands where it's coming from she can heal, but will need a steady hand to hold while she does. My betting is that she will want to.

@snowwalker9999

4 жыл бұрын

K Hoatzin I tired being a steady hand she could hold but I got refused. Maybe I don’t know how to be that steady hand with her, it became too much, nothing I did meant anything special nothing made me more visible as if she was in that constant state of mourning over her past not seeing what’s in front of her. I couldn’t fix any damage done to her in her past and I felt I was being damaged as a result. I’m now trying to create a physical distance between us as we both can’t seem to get enough of this senseless cycle. Something had to be done. You can’t help someone if they don’t want to be helped by you and you can’t fix a relationship alone either. It’s just too frustrating.

I'm emotionally available and open with people that I feel emotionally safe with.

It came to a point after years of emotionally abusive, nagging and selfish behaviour by my husband that withholding all touch was the only card I had left to play . It was and is a power play for sure . To those husbands and boyfriends out there who verbally abuse and insult and belittle their wives and girlfriends to satisfy their own egos and still expect that they will enthusiastically bed them , the end is coming .

@ilenek.5428

3 жыл бұрын

Very true. I'm on lock down as well ;)

A chronic denial of touch and emotional connection is a clear and concise way to sum up my childhood. Thankfully, I shattered that generational mindf_ _ _ ery and loved the b’Jesus out of my kids. They are in their mid-20’s now and know beyond a doubt that they will always be seen, heard, and understood by me.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

thanks for your reflections. Glad this resonates.

@ethanshelbyskateboarding9980

Жыл бұрын

It's a fake affliction

What scares me the most, is when we allow ourselves to be in this situation. It took me a long time to realize what was going on, and where I was

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Yes, it often does take time to see the patterns and realize we have choices. Thanks for the comment. Based on your comment about how we allow ourselves to be in this type of situation, you might want to check out my work around The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Here is a link to take a quiz that will introduce the Responses further: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

I feel so connected and calmed by your articulate clarification, Alan Robarge. Thank you.

I used to be a touchy feely person, after my most recent relationship I really distrust touch... every touch turned into a prelude to sex. A hug turned into a groping, a back scratch turned into a reach around, putting on/taking off my bra would be a groping, or bending over EVER was a groping or he'd slap my butt. I began to get anxious and tense when my ex wanted to get close to me... I had issues with feeling reciprocated in my attention, he wanted all my attention but refused to give back... he was a taker, but NEVER a giver unless there was sex... and only during the act, after it's back to the lack of REAL attention and all superficial. He demanded that I be the one to to initiate all the touch... when I stopped he wouldnt take " plz dont touch me" hed just touch me however he wanted... which made me not want to touch him or want to be touched more... a vicious cycle really... there were other issues as well and I eventually had to leave. And it's been 3 yrs healing from that relationship...

@marykevandermerwe5788

3 жыл бұрын

I hear you.

@SitavNabi

2 жыл бұрын

Your comment hit me like a slap in the face.

@Kholoured

2 жыл бұрын

@@SitavNabi I haven't dated since a year after I left him. It's been over 2 yrs since I've looked for any relationship. I don't trust men it was my ex plus all the other guys I'd attempted to date. He was just the last straw. I'd rather be single then attempt to allow another person in again. I'm working on that but for now I'm done w dating and have no issues with being single till i die. He took away my ability to control what happens to my own body, for over 5 yrs he did what he wanted to me. It was like rape of my entire body, I'd say stop and he'd say if you loved me you'd love how I touched you and wouldn't mind when I touched you. It would shame me into letting him touch me when I didn't want to be touched... it was the lack of control that is my biggest struggle right now.

@Aphrodite_ErosLuvChild214-80

Жыл бұрын

That's how my husband is , I hate the groping especially my breast ! Men have always made my breast a big deal and I just don't like it !! There is so much more to me than my breast and I have to get angry and I've even grabbed my husband's hand and bent his fingers super hard as a response !! But I can't seem to get through to him and much like you I've lost that feeling for him it feels like a duty or job because he has been soo touch feellie

Im understanding this better today. My first relationship ever was with a guy who behaved this way towards me. He made me out to be desperate. As if i was a keen puppy up on him. I was so confused and nieve. He told me his to come to me, not the other way round. It hurt so deeply. I was as you say starved of touch. He was trying to control intimacy as his greek and im turkish. I guess not to fall for me. We ended up being together for 7 years. Undiscussed he dropped that behaviour and even came to telling me he loved me and wanted marriage. Only to finish with me after his family wouldnt accept me for being turkish. It was a very painful time in my life. We met when i was 18. I was a virgin til 21. He first split from me because i wasnt ready to have sex. I had a toxic family as it was, a narcisist mother, ignoring father and 2 narcisist brothers. Any wonder i had no idea. I got back with the greek guy and accepted his rules. I was craving and starved of love, i finally broke it off at the age of 26 then riddled with panic attacks. Its been many years of painful confusion. I finally got away from my family members 2 years ago. I told them each why. I have been intergrating many attachment traumas as i went onto having many more. The ex never left me. Always in my psycology i would loop back again and again Ive listened to you everyday and everyday i intergrate more. I et him go with peace. He too was suffering i see that now. His upbringing was not far off. Oh and im 48 now!

Was seeing this guy who always told me I was very attractive etc. But soooo emotionally unavailable and closed off. Never even kissed. Once I just touched his necklace to see what it was, and he literally jerked and had a shiver like geez what's that?? Made me surprised given the compliments. Very cold and not in touch with his feelings. Very strange. I have cut ties with him although he tried to schedule coffee dates. It triggers rejection in me, and a lot of confusion. I don't need that in my life. I want a strong warm connected man

I am feeling understood for the first time in decades. About this issue, for the first time ever. I literally cried as I listened to you. Thank you. I said that I felt ugly and dirty with him. He said too bad, that’s my problem. And the therapist said that it didn’t matter and that we should talk about childhood trauma instead, during therapy. So we continued to never touch. And, you guessed it, we got divorced.

So I just watched your video on emotional unavailability and then started listening to this one. It's interesting how different you treat the two yet depending on the person's love language, someone being emotionally unavailable feels the same as touch being withheld. They are both love languages...

I was with a woman that would be considered fearful avoidant. I’m more anxious preoccupied. In the first couple months of the relationship we had sex regularly and it all moved fast. Then suddenly she looked like a deer in the headlights. Didn’t want to hold my hand, said she didn’t feel comfortable with kissing, and when I did sleep at her place she’d put a body pillow between us. It was absolutely shocking and sent my system haywire. She always said I treated her better than anyone ever did but still pushed me away. Then I found her dating profile. Im so crushed and rejected. I closed the door forever but the grief and crying just doesn’t stop. Im so crushed. Im thankful for these videos

16:19 That was where I was at until I realized my worth comes from me and not his attention.

Never take this video down. This is powerful information. Thank you.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the kind words and thank you for valuing my effort. We can never talk enough about this. You're invited to join us in our conversations on topics like this in the Community Program, Improve Your Relationships. www.alanrobarge.com/community

Thank you for this video, it so reflects my marriage. It was a very painful experience, but I didn't see it in the beginning. The only things I saw in the beginning were: he couldn't slow dance, he had to make a mockery of it & if we were holding hands, he had to be swinging our arms around goofing off. I totally get it now; it all makes sense. 100% I blamed myself, felt completely unattractive. If I sat down next to him on the couch, he got up & found something to do. I thought it was me until 10 years after we separated when I went to his aunt's funeral. I noticed how he hugged the people he couldn't avoid. He bent at the waist to have as little contact as possible, then have them an awkward pat on the back. The kids were next to me & I said something. They were surprised I hadn't noticed it before, but how could I? I was in the middle of it & couldn't see beyond my own pain to see that it happened elsewhere. So I was married 21 years, but suffered another 10 until that moment finally gave me peace. Being able to put a name to it now helps even more. Again, thank you!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Glad you like this video. I see it sparked reflection for you. This kind of reflection is helpful for us. Good for you for exploring ideas on touch. If you are interested in building relationship skills and would like to understand attachment behaviors then you may want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

I know exactly how ugly, & repulsive, that I am. Neglected & harmed robbed of experience of life's goodness. I know that it exists from reading, not living.

I literally called a 6yr re/ship quit because of touch deprivation ,I initiated and got no response in return I felt lonely until I could not take it anymore

@jemstone1310

Жыл бұрын

After 12 years this is how i felt...it's a lonely road

@honeyfurfarm2182

Жыл бұрын

I'm at that point right now. I can't go on for the rest of my life without the same reciprocation.

@kimberlyyoung1500

10 ай бұрын

The same here. It hurts to bad to allow myself to feel unwanted and unloved. I know it's not me, I don't have expectations either just a desire or hunger is more like for even acknowledgement. I dont like becoming who I am. I can see where my holding myself back hurts him. And I never wanted to be the cause of anyone's pain . Yet living with someone who refuses to even try and understand how not responding to flirting or not even wanting to snuggle while watching tv affects our relationship, let alone sit next to me or hold hands. Would be nice if he instigated it at times.

I know I'm an anxious attachment, but I feel safe enough to allow partner space and not expect touch if he's feeling flat etc. What I can't handle is when denied touch comes with coldness, detachment, emotional removal etc. He swings from present, warm, available, to the complete opposite. And its always after he's been around women.

In my case, I was the one who took sex off the table, because I didn’t feel that my avoidant partner was attracted to me. We had this very painful session with a couples counselor where I was asking whether he found me sexually attractive, and he wouldn’t say yes or no. He came up with all sorts of diversions and obfuscations to avoid saying whether he was attracted to me or not. Of course, that left me thinking he was definitely not attracted to me! Years later, he confessed that, at that therapy session, he felt backed into a corner by the line of questioning, and that’s why he refused to give me a straight answer. It was that inability or unwillingness to share his thoughts and feelings that ultimately sunk our relationship (marriage).

@HealingHappyAli

Жыл бұрын

Ouch, I'm glad you're seeking healing now.

I was emotionally unavailable for years. My wife and I raised a child with physical, cognitive and mental disabilities. I was saturated emotionally and neglected my wife's needs. Twenty years into our marriage the tables have turned and now my wife is the one who is emotionally unavailable. I completely understand why but now I struggle with her rejection. Odds are divorce is in our future but I continue trying to find a crack in the walls she built to defend herself from my emotional neglect. Good video. Thanks.

@HealingHappyAli

3 жыл бұрын

She didn't divorce you when you shut down, she remained your Partner. Start dating your wife again. Earn your way out if this must end up in divorce. Get rid of all porn; she knows you chose that over her, apologize for how you dealt with stress and promise her the next two decades of a communicative Partner. -A Divorced Special Needs Mom

@ak_zombie

3 жыл бұрын

@@HealingHappyAli For the record porn was never a variable.

@FirstLast-zo4qy

3 жыл бұрын

It's good that you acknowledge your short comings and how you enormously failed your wife. However, doing that here is worthless if you have not said these same words to her. She needs to hear you say it. And then see you work to repair your wrong doings. Expect it to take as long go repair as it did to break down.

I'm so glad I found you. Second video I've watched and second time you got eerily specific to my current situation.

This is me.. I’m dealing with a partner now who craves touch but I physically can’t do it. I was sexually assaulted as a child so touch is triggering. If I allow my partner to touch me I’m mentally not present, I’m in my head calming myself down and telling myself this isn’t the abuser but my partner.

@pauladuncanadams1750

3 жыл бұрын

No offense but how did your relationship progress??? Please understand I have utmost sympathy for you. What an awful torture to endure! I don't know how survivors find the strength. It makes me angry and breaks my heart to know someone so cruel and sadistic stole the ability of another to feel pleasure in order to selfishly satisfy themselves!!! But is it fair to be in a relationship with someone under the circumstance?

@raia9

2 жыл бұрын

@@pauladuncanadams1750 But means disregard all I've said before the but I guess - that's a harsh question - all people have the right to attempt to have love and a relationship, let them navigate that together. She can get some trauma counselling, her partner may love and value her to be patient and understanding.

@pauladuncanadams1750

2 жыл бұрын

@@raia9 True. As long as both are aware and willing. Thanks for reaching out.

@relaxationpeacefulmusic6296

Жыл бұрын

Why do you have a man in the first plane?

@GUITARTIME2024

11 ай бұрын

You shouldn't date. Sorry.

In the comments I see so many people telling about their emotionally unavailable ex-partner etc. but how many are able (or willing) to recognize this in themselves? Just a thought.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

5 жыл бұрын

@Anna L Your comment is a common theme we explore together in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. We want to reflect on how we too are emotionally avoidant and how that informs why we pick emotionally avoidant partners/friendships, etc. The 8-Week Program is very much about looking in the mirror. If the information in my videos is of benefit, then consider joining us in the community. We are a group of kind, supportive learners who want to make sense of our past relationships and learn new skills of better relating. You’re invited to join us. Here is a link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Donna - it is very hard to accept that even though he stopped drinking after 40 years, he is not changing as I thought he would. He is feeling good about himself now that he's not drinking and doesn't want to keep delving. I did leave but I am still fantasizing the if onlys. And I'm practicing self-love as I grow out of codependency. Thank you for your kind words.

wow this video is so validating, thank you so much for uploading it.

Wow! This really hit the nail on the head.

Thank you for this. Nobody really talks about this! So important.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Francine, I am glad this material resonate with you. If you would like to deepen your understanding of attachment distress, please consider entering the conversation in the online membership community I started. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. Please know you are welcome to be part of the community. You can learn more and register here: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Thank you for showing your understanding. I feel understood. That’s what I needed. God bless you!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Nice to hear you felt understood from this video. I'm glad this content spoke to you. Thanks for the feedback.

So helpful! Thank you so much 🙌🏼

Thank you for this revelation.

Wow, you are a God Send today.... Whew.... I will be watching all of your videos. Thanks so much!!!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Marybeth, thank you for your kind words. I look forward to hearing what you learn.

I cannot believe that I have found my answers because of you! I've been looking for answers for sooo long! Thank you for your work! Your articulation is amazing.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

I'm glad to hear that the videos are helpful and enlightening. Thank you for valuing my work. If the information I offer is of benefit, then consider joining us in the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. The community's foundation is built on Self-Directed Healing where members are encouraged to create their own direction and explore the focus they want. Members report learning quickly through sharing and discussing their healing processes. Check it out: www.alanrobarge.com/community

I appreciate your unique take on these topics!

@lioydwilliams1850

3 жыл бұрын

Marcia Pavlis,your lovely smile can make the news!

Wonderful, thank you.

This was really eye opening, thank you so much. I think my relationship to touch is somewhat unhealthy. As long as I can remember I've valued physical touch a lot and always felt really happy whenever someone would touch me in a loving way. I would even say that touch is my number one love language. However, I find it very difficult to initiate touch myself, fearing to be rejected. It's an ongoing struggle. I feel like it has to do with my emotionally unstable mom, who I feared as a child, because she was so unpredictable. I still get very uncomfortable when she wants to touch me in any way, even though I know, that she is doing it out of love. She's the only person I'm uncomfortable getting touched by and who I don't like to touch.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Good insights Annemarie. Reflecting on these ideas is important. It helps us define the type of relationships we want going forward. Glad you liked this video. Since this video was helpful, you might want to learn about my new course The Four Attachment Distress Responses. You can begin by checking out the quiz. Here is the link for more info: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Incredible!!!

Oh, being unreciprocated is a killer. I really really love touch and it kills me when I love someone and can’t show it because they are cold.......

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I see this video sparked some reflection. If this video was helpful then you may also want to take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

You are describing me. I always err on the side of not touching. It makes me feel vulnerable in a way that brings up rage. Very hard to overcome.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Susan, The reason I created the membership community is because many of us have stories like yours. We see the pattern over time. We keep doing the same thing. We see the suffering. We have to choose to change the pattern. We need a plan of self-directed healing. This is what we talk about in the membership community. You are invited to join us. Here is the info: www.alanrobarge.com/community

Porn addiction that's what... (Just saying...) Don't know how I survived that sexless minimum touch marriage. 27 years. I was a cute young girl and didn't know what was wrong all the years until I went to a divorce group and a lady said her story (it was my story) and at the end she said and he was addicted to porn. Needless to say I have been trying to heal the past 6 years since divorcing. Someday I want to do your program...

@ghopkins7928

4 жыл бұрын

My story too

Ouch. Thank you Alan, very insightful. My 2 previous relationships were like this and in the relationship that has just ended that is how I was. A bit painful to watch but very helpful. I really don't want to be like that anymore, hurts all involved. Your videos are very healing.

Thank you for the words & vocabulary & definitions. I finally have the words & validation after 23 years. I'm not crazy! Lol. I'm normal! Thank you!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I appreciate the kind feedback. Thanks for seeing my efforts to offer vocabulary and explanation. Glad you are finding benefit.

I dont comprehend why is the fault of the one tha cant touch back. If yor partner isnt hugging or touching you and that makes you unhappy then end the relationship? Dont stay and the blame the one who literally can not do what you want, stop acting like a victim or like theyre manipulating you just because they have a disability of not being able to fcking touch others because theyre hurt and broken. But for some reason it only matters the feelings of the one who wants to touch, thats insane

I love this

Some boyfriends may wanted touch/hugs...some didn't. I married someone who didn't want touch. Some transitional relationships maybe just for touch and then move on to a person who is right for their personality/life.

If partner is having tantrums, being thoughtless or mean or is not truly communicating with me. That doesn't make me feel lovey-dovey. So I deliberately put physical space between us. I'm not gonna run over my feeling and needs . This creates estrangement and lots of protest. The end is always nigh at this point.

Thank you so much.p.x

good analogy- Yes, I have reach out, only to find the hand of the corpse.

Love this!!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Glad to hear that. If you liked this video then you might also like to check out The Four Attachment Distress quiz to find out what your response is to relationship stress: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Thank you

Thanks for explaining. My ex was abusive and withholding, so I'm still in recovery. It's a struggle to understand why

I never liked being touched by my mom. I was always uncomfortable and afraid of her. Everyone blames me for feeling this way. How can I help how I felt as her baby and child and young adult and so on. LOL! Maybe it has to do with how she loved to mock me and then humiliate me in front of others. She can't give back.

@cjennings6179

5 жыл бұрын

Why are you afraid to hug touch your mom? Did she insult you?

@maridee4476

4 жыл бұрын

I happen to do the same with my mom but it's because of the years of mental,emotional, and verbal abuse I received from my stepdad that she allowed. It's almost like I don't want to let her in.

@marina.andreazi

3 жыл бұрын

Same here.

@pauladuncanadams1750

3 жыл бұрын

@@cjennings6179 They did say that, yes.

Thank you for your videos.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Glad you like the video. You're welcome. Please cut and paste the link and share it on other social sites.

Thank you, thank you thank you. I have been trying to make sense of this and today finally after listening to your video I have. I love an “EA” person. He is not going to change. My feeling are hurt every time I see him for the most part. Done! How to move on is my question? It is loving him that makes this so difficult. I do need to love myself more.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Cynthia, Thank you for your kind words. I am glad this material speaks to you. We explore the "how" in the online membership community I created. The solution to healing attachment injuries is to do our healing work. There is not a simple, quick-fix answer. Emotional, Relational, Developmental Healing Work is dynamic and has many chapters depending on our individual needs. The areas of focus I suggest are exploring Attachment Trauma, Emotional Attunement, Family Patterns, Boundaries and Sense of Self, Shame and Self-Worth, Longing and Loneliness, Reality Distortion, Grieving and Grieving Skills. These are the areas that inform the design of the membership community, Improve Your Relationships. Practicing these skills is essential to learning new behaviors and having new experiences. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. You are invited to join other like-minded learners who value mapping out a plan of self-directed healing and want to share their insights with others. We are a kind, supportive group of folks committed to changing old patterns of relating. The kind of question you asked here, "How do I do this healing?" is the type of question we explore in the community. Please consider joining us in the conversation. www.alanrobarge.com/community

Thank you ! 😊

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

6 ай бұрын

You're welcome. Glad this video spoke to you. You may also like taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

The holding hands with a corpse! Lol..so on point I tell my husband that his hands feel lifeless. Any form of affection makes him cringe. I find it hilarious & give him a second chance. He usually does better. I don't take it personally bc he is a loving person.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for reflecting after watching the video. If you like this video then you may also be interested in taking The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Great video, thanks

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

you're welcome

So perfectly communicated

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you! Please consider sharing this with someone that you think might need to watch it too.

@robmyers7263

2 жыл бұрын

@@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma videos like this gave me the strength just a few months after I made this comment, to let go of my 30 year marriage. Thank you for giving me strength through understanding to take care of myself.

What does it mean to be on either end in this situation? What makes a person begin denying touch? Being that relationships start out in the honeymoon phase, is it that true colors start to show? And what message is the denying person trying to convey? I recently ended a relationship for this very reason. My ex started slowly but surely denying touch. As you say, I then responded by backing off in initiating touch. I know all too well about the corpse hug. He still to this day swears he loves me. I cannot convince myself he means it. He says he can't touch me because he doesn't know himself and feels lost. I don't know what to think or believe. I would love for you to expand on what makes a person this way.

@avalonmist254

5 жыл бұрын

This is not your fault unless you/I want to feel like we are" icky" not a match for me and these are the painful relationships I now avoid. There are other good people who are happy to see me and want touch. Sadly I have to Noticed this in some single men who are not invested and always in public don't touch because they are Looking for another person too. If seen holding your hand in public he could be seen by other people who he wants to be with. Not You... Not a fun time for a healthy full partnership.

@jeanetteoneil4562

5 жыл бұрын

sharise calhoun This is what I am going through.

Amazing video! You are spot on! My ex withheld affection (emotional and physical). I ended up showing her the door!

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Glad this video speaks to you.

Wow, anyone in the comment section not here to talk about how they’ve been hurt by this type of person but here because they’re discovering how to be a better person and break free from the trauma and attachment injury that they received as a child?

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Thanks for the question. Many people ask similar questions like, "What do I do next?" or "How do I heal?" The answer is it depends. We choose to seek out healing resources and learn how to integrate unresolved attachment trauma. We choose to map out our direction and create action-plans. In the Improve Your Relationships Community members create Self-Directed Healing Plans which nurture our sense-of-agency. Check out the community www.alanrobarge.com/community Join in on the discussions and start mapping out your self-customized healing plan.

Healthy Romantic Relationships do not Punish anyone by Withholding Touch and Sex. That is seriously Sick. Don't do this to yourself. Unless you enjoy being loved without touch.

@guitawrizt

5 жыл бұрын

Got this sort of treatment from someone who boasted she was a 'Hopeless Romantic'.

After watching a few of your videos.. I think I'm on the short end, sad. 😔

Does anybody else get repulsed by kissing and hugging or is it just me? I feel like I'm the attachment style that goes back and forth between anxious and dismissive, depending on the people I'm around. If somebody's too clingy I will become dismissive. If somebody is more dismissive than I am, I will become anxious and clingy, which just pushes them further away. I've learned it's best to keep everyone at arm's length.

My now ex girlfriend was emotionally unavailable and with held touching. She dumped me over it because I wanted stronger intimacy. She was not that way in the beginning, I think this was deceitful.

@guitawrizt

5 жыл бұрын

Got the same raw deal. It's as if it was dealt out on a schedule. Diabolical and quite hurtful.

@EEEBA1

4 жыл бұрын

Why is touch so important to you? I'm trying to learn/change. I'm trying to save the 7 year long perfect relationship minus the touching part. My fiance loves to be touched and me as a guy the physical touch means nothing, in fact I don't like seeing people in public touching or holding hand for example. Do I force myself to do it because that's her most important/powerful love language?

@tink971

4 жыл бұрын

Michael Goodman I’m going through this right now.

This is me. I’m not a fan of hugging. I don’t mind other types of touch but never ever have craved a hug.

@DiscoveryWonders

2 жыл бұрын

Do you have any traits of cluster B or Asperger spectrum? That is common in people with traits of these types. Also common in people who are emotionally deprived or affection deprived and who haven’t had that in childhood from caregivers ( avoidant people)

I went searching for a video like this. After having my baby five months ago and being left to be a single mom, I noticed I have an aversion to being touched now. Even the thought of dating and being intimate with another person makes me grimace now. I would desire to not be like this for the rest of my life but I don’t know how to shake myself out of it.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

Glad to see this video sparked reflection for you. Good awareness in your comment. I'm reminded of how relationship anxiety shows up in different behaviors. The anxiety can be about past experiences. You might be interested in The Four Attachment Distress Responses Course. Learn more by taking the quiz www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

can't touch this !

@fleetingfootnotes9133

3 жыл бұрын

Nailed that like a true hammer. :P

Affection is something nice when it's without conditions

resonate

I met someone like this. He would initiate a hug upon greeting but it felt so stiff and awkward. Like they were just doing it because they felt like it was what they were 'supposed' to do. Whenever I would get physically close to watch a movie or converse it made them noticeably uncomfortable. They would immediately resort to sexual touching/behavior. It took this happening a few times before I caught on to what was going on. Visible anxiety attack /immediate departure after physical intimacy. This person couldn't even stand listening to songs that talked about loving touches. I met someone on the extreme end and I hope I never do again. It was different than your average 'jerk' behavior, I've never experienced anything like it. I feel bad for him but I guess he's okay that way? Or he would do something about it right? How will this person ever marry, move in or find someone so they don't end up old and alone? Not my burden to carry I guess.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

3 жыл бұрын

I see you were very engaged in the material by what you wrote. Thanks for the reflections. It sounds like you're interested in learning more about what's going for people and/or may want to build understanding. You might be interested in learning about how people show up differently during attachment distress. Take The Four Attachment Distress Responses Quiz to learn more. www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

I think I withhold touch but I don't mean too. I just came from a family that wasn't touchy.

I used to beg for touch, the only touch i would get was if he wanted sex. I found your video because I developed a sexual aversion because of this issue not being addressed and accepting crumbs.

@oambitiousone7100

Жыл бұрын

He would touch me but it was a downpayment on sex. Couldn’t even enjoy it because knew it was just for him, ultimately.

I've been on both ends of this, I've been on the giving and receiving end of denying touch in different relationships.... does that make be ambivalent?

@gerafinali4384

6 жыл бұрын

Chantal Cloutier it sounds like you might have been a victim of sexual abuse

I dated a girl who avoided being physically close to me. I was in my 20s and not very communicative and I didn’t want to push myself on her. After several dates I felt rejected and left. In hindsight I think she was dating another guy and considering me and liked spending time with me but I felt like her science project and my feelings of rejection were overwhelming.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

2 жыл бұрын

I see you were engaged with this content by what you shared. Glad it resonates for you. You have great awareness. I'm reminded of how feeling rejection can activate attachment distress. Thanks for commenting. If you haven't already heard about it you may also like the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. Take the quiz to learn more www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz We can learn new relating skills by understanding the different responses.

This is what i keep doing to my boyfriend in cycles im not trying to punosh him or get him to fix me but im just so overwhelmed i avoid it completely because im so tired and stressed out i dont know how to give to him. Classic anxious attachment and avoident ;-; he needs alot and ive realized i cant give it but i really do love him so its hard for the both of us i dont know how to do better but i want to im jist so exhausted its killed my intamcy drive too

@michaelandersen5821

3 жыл бұрын

Did you try talking to him ? Being open about it, showing him that i need personal space, but i love the way you make me feel or how your touch affects me. Unless he knows, he can’t possible be part of the conversation

He always denied that he was emotionally unavailable. When you say these people need distance etc. could it be totally beneath their awareness?

@cjennings6179

5 жыл бұрын

No. It is a dirty game. They want you as miserable as they are. They are usually ADDICTS that are so NUMB the can t FEEL. No goodness emotions. They do NOT KNOW what LOVE IS. They think it is SIMPLY SEX. Nothing more. Love is MORE than just RAWNCHY SEX. " Male power makes the man" FACADE. LIE They believe. Easy to misuse.

@cjennings6179

5 жыл бұрын

It is game.

Is it wrong to deny touch because a partner is seeking a confidence boost? It’s like overcompensating using sex to soften the blow of the reality that they are emotionally avoidant ! I don’t know if this question makes sense , but feeling like your being used as an ego booster kills a desire for physical intimacy in that moment. Or is this an excuse for denying touch?

@BlinkinFirefly

4 жыл бұрын

I think that really depends. What is giving you the impression that your partner is looking for an ego boost? Does he seek out touch from you, but denies touch when you need it? I see no reason to ever deny your partner touch. Unless of course they are involved with something very important. If they are super focused on a work project, or eating, or going to the bathroom, or in the middle of sleeping, then maybe that's not the best time for seeking physical affection. But if you're both say, simply on the couch watching a movie together, that's a perfect opportunity for touch. Communication is SO important here. Know yours and your partner's boundaries. If you don't want to be touched, have a valid reason and tell your partner that reason. Be honest. And use your words in a kind, loving, gentle way. "Hey babe, can you please not touch me right now, I'm really trying to enjoy my burger. I know you just finished yours and you're ready for touch, but I'm not ready yet." And then follow up with something reassuring. "I love you..." Maybe something flirtatious "When I finish this, I won't be able to keep my off of you..." And then make good on your word by actually giving that physical touch after you finish the task. I actually just broke up with my boyfriend because he was being emotionally and physically withholding. It didn't start off that way. He was actually OVERLY affectionate and attentive in the beginning of the relationship. But as a few months went by, little by little, he withheld more and more love and affection from me. And continued to do so even after I talked to him about how it was hurting me. Even when I was giving blatant cues that I wanted and needed to connect with him more. His excuse was that it's just the way he is. He said I will probably always be the one wanting more love and affection than he wants. He said he loves me and cares about me, and wants to be with me. But my gut was telling me that something was not right. That he was deliberately holding out. Because that affection was consistently coming less and less from him. If he knew he was hurting me, why was he doing it more and more? Perhaps my neediness turned him off, and he was afraid to admit it. Perhaps he liked having that kind of power over me. Perhaps he was trying to get me to break up with him because he was too cowardly to do it himself. Whatever the reason, it definitely felt wrong. It took me over half a year of pain to finally break up with him.

How can you help your partner become emotionally available?

@dawna4185

7 жыл бұрын

...you can't. he has to come to the realization on his own that he is emotionally unavailable. then he needs to delve inward and begin the self discovery journey to emotional good health.....sounds to me like his addiction to alcohol is a big indicator that he is very damaged. you only have two choices; accept him the way he is and find your own happiness or accept that you most likely will not have the connection you want from your partner and move on....attempting to "fix" him will only serve to drive you both crazy......all the best xo

@snowwalker9999

4 жыл бұрын

Walk away

When I was about 8 I told my mother to stop hugging me... never looked back.

I was molested over a period of over 8 yrs beginning in infancy. I have autism and ptsd. I'd as soon cut my own small intestine out with a plastic spoon as let anyone close enough to touch me. This has been made worse recently by a terrifying experience during foot surgery. Will I ever be normal?

Dealt with this- really sucks.

I'm the touch-witholding partner, and I think communication is everything. My partner is very high-touch, but I have pain and sensory issues that make touch physically unpleasant for me. Kisses make me sneeze. Cuddling flares up my joint pain. Hugs make me feel trapped. I can handle sex but only if I shut down and go into performance mode. To me, touch is something taken because I get nothing from it and can't give it from a non-depleting place. I respect my partner's need and that he can take it elsewhere, but we have compromises for when touch is too much. Sometimes I have to stare straight ahead and put my hand on his leg because everything else hurts. I'm not trying to distance myself; it's just not a need I can always supply, and I've been open about that from day one.

@pauladuncanadams1750

3 жыл бұрын

It sounds like you may have a lot of trauma. Either way, I am sorry that you have so much pain. You have my sympathy.

@JaninesPlace

Жыл бұрын

It sounds like you have severe tactile sensitivities/sensory sensitivities because pain and things can be tolerated in order to hug someone. It doesn’t last very long.

I’m ugly and disgusting. Only explanation for my wife’s lack of affection

What do we do about this? I have been dating someone for 3 months and he has t even kissed me. I leave his house crying now every time. Do i talk to him about it? And how do I approach it?

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

4 жыл бұрын

Beecky, Many of us can relate. Getting support from others who are learning as well is very helpful for many people. That is one of the reasons I created the Improve your Relationships online community. It is not a therapy group, but a skills learning community which many people find very helpful as an adjunct to therapy. I am glad that you are doing your healing work and find this material helpful on your journey. Consider joining in the conversation. You are not alone. www.alanrobarge.com/community

I NEVER touch. I've tried a few times but chickened out halfway. It feels soooo invasive, even though I know it feels nice when others do it to me. I just always felt like they are going to freak out and blow a rape whistle or something, so I never bothered to. And when I REAAAALLLLY want to (like on a first date), it's been literally forever since I've done it so it feels so forced and awkward. Like it's not really me. So again, I don't even bother trying. Intiating intimate touch feels as alien to me as it would be to sucker punch someone. No matter how much courage I muster... i just cant do it.

@gypsytownsend2292

3 жыл бұрын

Wow!

We know what it is... Can you offer any advice about what to do when it's occurring.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

Жыл бұрын

Thanks for the question. Glad you connected with this video. I'm reminded of how we have different things that keep us from emotional availability. One response to changing this pattern is the course, The Four Attachment Distress Responses. It offers a deeper look into what's driving this behavior. Take the quiz to learn more: www.alanrobarge.com/adrquiz

Wow no wonder my life and my inability to connect with anyone on any level forget the physical and engaging i am so emotionally absent in fear of offending women and being falsely accused of some abusive act. Ive bin hanging out with women and totally could of had sex with them and they were clearly trying to send me the messages tryig to get me to engage but i just am numb and its so extremely painful and frustrating and confusing. I was shamed and stuff about kissing to girls in kindergarten and since then i have bin unable to ever talk to or feel good enough for or anything in realtion to women and dating and touching anyone els in any maner at all

My partner said he had never been affectionate and grew up in a family that was not affectionate. He was an alcoholic and very closed. He would sit next to me with his arms folded across his chest all the time. Is there a way for a person to learn to be affectionate or do you think that if a person develops emotional openness then affection comes naturally?

@dawna4185

7 жыл бұрын

...yes, affection is a natural human result of being emotionally healthy. sadly, it is you who wants him to be something he doesn't want to be at this time. the question you need to ask is not if he can or cannot become emotionally healthy with your help but why do you choose to stay with a damaged person and need him to change so you can be happy.....it is easier to focus on "changing" another than focus on ourselves and face our fears of being alone....being alone is our natural state, after all, and we need to learn to be content and self sufficient with no external help from anyone......unfortunately, our culture doesn't seem to support this notion. just listen to the lyrics to songs...."i have nothing if i don't have you" a popular, beautiful song by Whitney Houston. we are brainwashed into believing this is true, that we are nothing without the love of another person.....anyhow, sorry to ramble...just trying to plant a seed of enlightenment and hope for you xo

@carmenz6974

5 жыл бұрын

Dawna thank you for your word. That is really true that if we can nurture ourselves instead of change someone else.

@BlinkinFirefly

4 жыл бұрын

@@dawna4185 Dawna, I kinda disagree with you. Being alone is not natural for humans. As humans, we are a very interdependent species. We need each other. We need interaction and social relation to survive. Many of us need physical interaction to feel loved and accepted. I think it's more a matter of finding somebody who matches your love language and is on the same level of that love language with you. That's the key. Nobody should have to settle for loneliness. That's not to say don't learn how to be independent. When it comes down to it, you must take care of yourself. But if you need and want that significant other who can provide the level of love and affection you wish to receive and to give back, then keep striving to find that person. They are out there!

@dawna4185

4 жыл бұрын

@@BlinkinFirefly well said!....i must have a genetic mutation because I love being alone. that is not to say that i don't do well with others, i just feel the best when alone....

@francinegray9383

4 жыл бұрын

Alcoholics are notoriously closed off. Only professional help can do the job. Often someone who drinks to excess over years time has issues they are ashamed of and find it too hard to communicate those feelings, especially to their woman. Touching may make him feel too vulnerable and afraid. Yes, an unaffectionate family environment can start someone off on the wrong track.

My Wife started down this road about 15 years ago, less and less touch and intimacy. Now, no kisses, hugs or touching beyond hand holding. Always something between us, kids, dogs, pillows, cell phone. We have discussed it, she acknowledges this issue, but yet does NOTHING to attempt a resolution. It did not start that way, so this is not by nature.

@AlanRobargeHealingTrauma

7 ай бұрын

I hear you, thank you for sharing your experience. Many of us can relate. If you connected with this video then you may also be interested in taking the relationship quiz. www.healingattachmenttrauma.com/iyr_quiz_2

Whats the solution for this? How im I supposed to deal with an avoidant

Another possibility may be they’re dating more than one person or they just broke-off from a romantic relationship and they feel guilt and do not want do more than flirt for an emotional thrill

Doctors etc. may go into the occupation to touch it seems. Husband told me to to touch him so I didn't for 15 years. I held my two babies much and they didn't want hugs around age 12. Many people don't touch/hug except at certain churches. Family tree may not hug/touch. People have pets maybe to have touch even though it is not like people touch. Massage from a hired person may help more than Hot tub water massage. Elderly need shoulders rubbed/hugs/need touch. Even handshakes help.