I used to think FWB was a way to avoid a toxic relationship. It took me longer than I’d like to admit to realize that friends with benefits IS a relationship and a pretty toxic one at that!

@jclyntoledo

Жыл бұрын

I don't think it's always toxic but it does set you up for anxiety and hot and cold treatment.

@Gracie.Gardener

Жыл бұрын

@@jclyntoledo what’s healthy about anxiety and hot and cold treatment?

@andiralosh2173

Жыл бұрын

I avoid such absolutes, though I think there's the possibility to mess up a friendship if real feelings happen. That said, if people communicate well and are actually friends, I suspect such a thing can work. This would however require a level of emotional self awareness I in no way see as common. FWB should always come with due warning. Enter at your own risk, come prepared

@tugbaekler

2 ай бұрын

Its not like that easy , peope change

@Portia620

2 ай бұрын

Yes!!!!

If a man likes you, you'll know. If he doesn't, you'll be confused.

@lalacrypto1

Жыл бұрын

Very clearly said. Thank you. :)

@mothergaia549

Жыл бұрын

Yup

@user-bv4mu5om5u

Жыл бұрын

The problem is that there are a lot of manipulative people. Like the guy in the letter, he pretended to be invested in her to get sex.

@stefanfeist9893

3 ай бұрын

Same with women 😉

@triciapazsint289

2 ай бұрын

Omg perfect! I’ll remember this forever!

There are more people than I think we all care to admit that put on an act just to have sex. Let’s not ignore this for what it is; deception.

@SS-in1ts

Жыл бұрын

Yeah….I went slow, very slow. And then 6 months further in, he kept getting more and more negative and silent treatment.

@northofyou33

Жыл бұрын

This is so true. I always look for tenderness and honesty in a man, and sometimes all that can be turned off instantly once they get their casual sex.

@evadebruijn

Жыл бұрын

That 's like that saying that goes something like some women fake orgasms and some men fake relationships. Oh and this one some women have sex to have a relationship, some men have a relationship to have sex. Not meant in a cynical way, just a subconscious incentive, I mean it makes sense considering the biological difference when it comes to procreation, it is such a different experience to be theoretically able to impregnate so many and walk away vs getting impregnated and carry for 9 months and feed it with your own body from the inside, and after birth which is still risky for you could die, you feed with your own body on the outside. So no wonder all the motivations at play to come together can be fundamentally very different. We can be so sure we do not have hidden agenda's but 95% of behavior is steered by the unconscious so yeah it's important to not blindly follow the heart or the underbelly if you want to stay as regulated as possible, men and women and non-binary alike. On the other hand I am happy I learned the hard way by experiencing it myself. I would not have taken advice anyway when I was younger lol, way to stubborn and wilfull ✌️ Anyway, if it hurts, it's not Love, period. Oh and what might help take away some gullible naivete is checking out what pick up artists teach as tricks and methods to get laid, so you can recognize it when it happens. Some prey on the love deprived people with weak boundaries, so if you know of yourself you're an easy target you probably attract them for they have a sixth sense for it. ✌️

@rturney6376

Жыл бұрын

@@evadebruijn well said ❤🎉😊

@Dan_Chiron

Жыл бұрын

@@SS-in1ts And then you stayed? When someone shows you their true colors, it's time to move on.

“Kissing? That’s just the big front door of the sex house” Hilarious! And very true……

It’s tempting to attribute malice to people who blow hot and cold because it’s a simple binary explanation. I also think that many of us in this community take the words of others at face value because we’re so desperate for someone to love us. For over a year, my ex dangled the carrot of reconciliation in front of me, saying that I was still the perfect woman for him, and that he simply needed time on his own to heal so that we could be together. Then he married someone else. Maybe he meant it at the time, maybe he didn’t, but ruminating is the path to madness, Starr. I’ve been there, and it’s a dead-end road. As soon as you can, find a different job and go zero contact. It’s the only way to move on. ❤

A rule of thumb I used when I was young was don't have sex with someone that hasn't told you they love you... and if they do it too soon it's probably to manipulate you... it usually takes a couple months... then they don't run away after... I'm sure that's a lot harder today as there's so much "free" sex out there many don't want to wait... but who wants to risk your feelings and mental health with people like that...

@leeboriack8054

Жыл бұрын

Well said!

@flyandshy00

Ай бұрын

words mean nothing, they have to invest in you time, money, get to know their parents, Wait at least 6 months, my ex waited 4 months and dumped me because he didn;t want to wait longer. I found out he was cheating the whole time.

It took me the longest time to realize there is no actual friendship in it. It should just be called” benefits”. and benefits for whom? not me

To me, there is absolutely _NOTHING casual_ about sex where you are allowing someone else's body to be closer than most will ever voluntarily get to your own naked body aside from caretakers as a child or a physician, and the "benefit" is supposed to be the friendship itself.

This happened even though I went slow. Our values matched. Our parenting styles matched. I got to know him well. We eventually got our kids together. Planned on marriage. We both were in therapy for childhood trauma. He had never cheated before, so he says and his ex wife said the same. Yet a young woman reached out to me letting me know he had been cheating with her. He denied it at first. That relationship was the most devastating, it was the most stable and pure and real relationship I’ve ever had. There are people who are dishonest, time to leave asap.

@photographylover87

Жыл бұрын

He sounds like a narcissist. I’m so sorry for the pain he put you through. I know words can’t express it but at least there’s someone in this world who feels your pain with you.

@AllUserNamesAreUsed

Жыл бұрын

Was he actually cheating?

@lloyannehurd

Жыл бұрын

@@AllUserNamesAreUsed You have a point. People lie to break up good relationships that they are incapable of forming for themselves.

@LianeSpicer

Жыл бұрын

@@AllUserNamesAreUsed She said he denied it AT FIRST. The implication is that he eventually admitted it.

@SilverScale.

Жыл бұрын

I'm so sorry you went through this.

Nasty, lying, playing users. Such men should be immediately dumped and blocked on all media. They find vulnerable women to use on purpose.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Hey Hey Hey, shut your naive speaking trap! Men aren't evil. Evil people are evil. Sure there are manipulators, liars, cheaters, pedophiles and psychopaths in this world- but these people are MALE and FEMALE. Any under-developed, overgrown teenager that fit the description of any of those words above are just that. GROWN KIDS. If you choose to willfully spread your legs to some "male" just cause he's hot, bought you flowers and has money- that's YOUR fault for not teaching YOURSELF how to spot these evil people. Men and Women both have to weed out the evil people to get closer to meet that honest man or that honest woman. Never MIX grown CHILD with MAN/WOMAN.

@briandonovan5687

20 күн бұрын

There is ALOT of women that fit this description. More women than men that I know 😮

Star, from personal experience, I can tell you that the love hormones will fade with time and distance. You will feel more peace and clarity about the situation and can set new standards for your next relationship.

Anna, you're the closest thing to a mother and a role model I've ever had in my life. Thank you for these videos. I follow your advice because you speak the truth and are helping me to recover and live my truth.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for the comment. Theres always time to heal. Jack@TeamFairy

Oh please don't let him use you that way ....

@journeylife7491

Ай бұрын

used, abused and bent over.... yeah....

As the parent of a childhood cancer survivor who is still effected by long term health issues this letter breaks my heart. I will say that as someone who had many casual relationships as a young women by choice (I was not hoping for more relationship). If a man loves you you will have no doubt. When men want something serious with a woman they are incredibly vocal about it. So if you want more and you aren't getting that feedback just cut them off.

@hardywatkins7737

Жыл бұрын

All men are not the same. It may be true in many instances though.

@the_infinity_channel

Жыл бұрын

True absoulutly true. People know what they are doing. If a man love you you will know see feel point blank period

@auntiewoman

Жыл бұрын

Occasionally a man will make all sorts of promises and profess love , etc. and it’s all talk. They just keep moving plans to the future.

Thank you for calling out how rare a real narcissist is!!! It seems like the new thing to do and go no contact and call everyone a narc. Most people are just hurting.

@janeydoe1403

Жыл бұрын

NPD is rare (statistically) simply because people who have NPD don't think there is anything wrong them. It probably doesn't help that narcissists are celebrated in our culture today. CEOs, world leaders, etc. (Read, Snakes in Suits.) If they do end up in therapy it's probably because it was court ordered. It's not wrong to call out someone's behaviour as narcissistic because there are many behaviours that when put together is the mental health disorder. So while that someone might not have NPD, calling them a narc (based on their manipulative, or deceitful or abusive behaviour,) isn't wrong, either. It is akin to calling somebody "funny" and they not be a stand-up comedian. Or dramatic and they not being a professional actor, what have you. Their survival skills are pretty clear when on the receiving end of them. It's uncanny. The only way to "change" it is to change ourselves by healing our own wounds, delineating clear boundaries, and not allowing them to run rickshaw through our lives ever again.

@Juniperus_Godegara

Жыл бұрын

@@janeydoe1403 thank you, you are on point!! Narcissists don't suffer from their condition, so no one is going to proudly wear this tag, even if it fits. It has to be someone from the outside to call someone that.

"Hope is dope when it comes to limirence" I like that one.

80% of all men are users these days. And they get savvier and savvier. The dating world has become sociopath central.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

You liar! A man loves and care for women. A woman loves and cares for men. Grown Children ONLY LOVE THEMSELVES!!! Never confuse a grownchild with a mature, kind, protective, loving, caring, respectful, man. Learn how to find a fucking man and you wouldnt get USED.

A FWB situation could block you from a full fledged relationship. People pick up on your vibes as to of your involved or somewhat attached.

Been celibate for a long time and fell off the bandwagon for a man I have known for about 10 years. He did a bait and switch the next day. Clearly I still need to learn and stop looking at a man's potential. Still got lessons to learn.

@lindaharford6988

Жыл бұрын

I wonder if there are some men that just like the chase. I'm sorry this happened to you.

@debbiemoore2747

Жыл бұрын

@Linda Harford to be honest I'm too much now in abundance and gratitude. I have fewer years in front of me than behind and shall take the lessons from it and keep learning. Thank you for responding you are very kind ❤️

@tamaragraham6859

Жыл бұрын

Yes! I had a situationship for 8 years with a man and I thought we had built a great bond and I reluctantly called it anfriendship. We had a big blowout 18 months ago. I pushed him to deal with his shit and stop taking it out on me. We reconnected a few months ago after 16 months no contact. He "looked forward" to seeing me and talking, but had "a lot going on and would reach out in a few months, maybe end of fall." He sent a few messages in between. I mentioned meeting again and he pushed to it maybe end of year. Then a few more messages and then maybe February. I called out his pattern and that he was avoiding me again. Then he moved it to January. I told him I was done. I wasn't going to go through this again and if he really loved me and cared he would be running to me to resolve. He went silent. I sent a few more messages and realized I was trying to convince him of my worth and I stopped. I released him and blocked him for the first time since we met. It was a huge release for me. He always showed me who he was but we were vulnerable together so many times over the years and he always told me he loved me before I admitted that I loved him. But it was his potential that I held on to. He opened his soul to me, but it was all a game. It's amazing that you can have a relationship with a man for so long and he just sees it as a game. Hugs to you. 🤗❤️

@debbiemoore2747

Жыл бұрын

@@tamaragraham6859 hugs right back at you

@theripper1705

Жыл бұрын

10 years of groundwork for the bait & switch? That is cold.

Hey Anna, I really love your channel and your work. I do want to clarify with the whole “cool girl” point in regards to sex, that sometimes women really want to have sex too (not just men). It’s not just that we want to be the cool girl. But I understand that for us w CPTSD, being physically intimate has emotional implications as well. This makes it doubly hard because we have to be gatekeepers of sex for our emotional good, when physically it’d be great to have those wants fulfilled. It’s like you have to deny one thing no matter what

@manda_musings8459

Жыл бұрын

YES! Girl I’m going through this balancing act right now with someone. I’m waiting for him to just give up.

@temporalcasualty

Жыл бұрын

thissss is exactly where I'm at too.

@apatheliac

Жыл бұрын

Yep that has been my experience. High sex drive and in the past though I would tell myself I wouldn't have sex early, I gave in to my urges every time (with absolutely no pressure from the guy's side). Realise now that it doesn't make for a healthy dynamic for me and that I need to let myself be emotionally intimate with someone before getting physical, because once I've had sex I get so attached even though I am not satisfied with the relationship dynamic makes being honest and emotionally vulnerable is even harder.

@aliveslice

Жыл бұрын

Yeah I am the person who had sex with friends and then they were attached in a way I didn't anticipate. Or I wanted to be friends but was ghosted. In either way I had sex for sex, not being cool.

@funshinebear4822

Жыл бұрын

I had a different take of cool girl. She wants to have sex but pretends to be cool with JUST sex or just being fwb though she truly wants it to progress into a loving relationship.

Pretty much my entire pre marriage dating life. So many quick tiny broken hearts. But also I loved to date and fool around casually. I owned it. Now in retrospect I see how I used sex as affection and how much I just yearned to be loved. At a later point I knew the quick love I felt wasn’t quite right, so after every broken heart I asked myself What is the lesson? That helped immensely! Every time I cried, I added to my master BF list of wants/don’t wants. A great lesson in manifestation too… few yrs later met my hubs who filled out the list perfectly.

@GoldSkye

7 ай бұрын

Inspiring and beautiful.

@9xixix9

23 күн бұрын

Wow that’s so beautiful. Love that. Love hearing stories like this.

Your hair looks amazing.

Just wasted over a year with someone (who knew I loved him) wanting him to love me and I am 44. It's a horrible situation to be in. Been out of it a month now and will never get into a situation like that again. I've got a cat now! 😂

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Grown Children are incapable of ONLY loving themselves and loving someone else at the same time!! I should start a youtube channel, answer relationship questions!!

29:19 Finally!!! Someone who doesn't just call the other person a narcissist, just to take responsibility off themselves!

@MrAspy74

6 ай бұрын

so true i was thinking the same. nowadays everyone is a narcisist. I like how she said " is a person that is in a face of healing where you cant really look at your own side of the history"

I had a dad that was around until I was 12. There was something about him that I could not put my finger on. After he died, I learned he slept was a lot, a lot of women. He transactional and saw sec as a transaction. I was the type of person - very loyal, wanting a committed relationship or not relationship. It was not until my 50’s that I had a friends with benefits relationship. I felt like it was in me my whole life. It felt Awful 😢. It’s something I needed experience and say not for me ever.

One rule I always strived to maintain was never to date men from my workplace. I broke the workplace rule, twice, (decades apart) and lived to regret it both times. *Everyone* knows your business even if you think nobody can tell. There is a reason companies frown on workplace romances. It undermines employees' productivity and ruins team dynamics. It can be devastating to the person suffering if they can't find employment with another company and they are forced to have to watch their "ex" banter with another coworker and wonder if they're hooking up with [them], too. This was my experience. I was "tossed" once conquered and he skipped to my manager! Then he "had an epiphany" and went back to his longtime girlfriend. By that time I had found a "great guy" outside of work and was happy/moved on. My manager, however, almost tanked her career over him. Not worth it.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

You become someone's very close enemy when they see a potential benefit hanging from your beautiful fruit tree, it's vital all women know the distinction between grown chiding and grown adults. All men are men, all grown boys are grown boys. All women are women, all grown girls are grown girls. Too often the past 3 generations have been confusing overgrown TEENAGERS with mature adults. It's sad to have 3 generations of young women and grown teenagers think men are "SICK" No, a sick individual is sick- like all of the recent female teachers getting caught with their students. These individuals aren't developed yet they look like normal men and women and blend in very well. Be not deceived as grown children will use you as a stepping stool to reach their favorite jar of cookies(your managers case). Defend men and women, make the distinction and SHAME the GROWN KIDS!!!

Sex is the permission slip for more than love. It creates bonds where bonds don’t exist. It’s also used as a manipulation tool because once you open that door it creates an expectation for the future. And if that expectation isn’t met and fulfilled on a continuous basis you are literally self inducing pain Standing in the road with your cart in front of your horse complaining that it’s not going anywhere.

I think we need to internalize the idea that people do not have a right to deceive us, but we do have a right to notice it when they do. Currently the world acts like the opposite is the case.

This video covered a lot. I did appreciate how kind you were, but then sometimes it felt like you had your safe gloves on. Then you gave the tough love and it made sense. Then you covered a bunch of topics all in one. At first I was like, girl, you need to tell her he’s just not that into her. And then I was thinking about my own experience, growing up with childhood trauma, and being a late bloomer, and finding my way. But then finding my own sexual expression, and some things I used to tell myself like, “tell her to get over one man get under another.” And then you went into how in todays world, people are trying to play it so cool, and having feelings is not in. And again you were so kind. This made me continue to listen. I appreciated the message at the end that when we discuss issues with romantic partners there’s definitely a lot of people that just think toxic this, narcissist that. I have such fatigue from that outlook of being so perfect we can judge and blame others and be so innocent. So thank you for just being a human and having nuance. I hope that we can all find the same kindness to give to each other and realize we all need each other, so let’s take better care. One love.

First of all word of the wise, “ Don’t Shit were you Eat!” Never a good idea. I’d like to say Thank You for all these videos and helping US heal our trauma. I’ve been through counseling and never got anything out of it. I’m so GLAD I came across your channel, You are a godsend. I share your channel with some of my patients who too have issues and trauma. I’m 55 and never felt more Alive, Happy and Love for myself. Anyone watching please know you too can heal ❤

The picture that Anna has assembled about the hurt this girl is overwhelmed with is the picture of a girl who is dreaming she is drowning; but she just needs to wake up and realize that she really is still on the ground breathing fresh air. She needs to count her blessings for that. The thing that people become proud of when they grow older is what benefits others and gives fruitful effect on communities, needy people or science or development. Peace in your nervous system is a good thing to keep. There is a life after this worldly life where good people; usually patient people; would enjoy eternally that includes also love, affection and sex. Anna has elaborated in this video a lot for the sake of Star and hopefully she starts twinkling positively.

Great point re: people go through a phase as seeing others as narcissists prematurely..when it is moreso a mirror of where they still need to heal aspects.

This guy was never interested in her, and he never wanted a relationship with her, either. He was using her as a human wet-wipe, to "get over his ex". He smelled her emotional hunger like a shark smells blood. He's not a stable, consistent friend to her, and as for benefits? Pffft. There are none,.at least for her.

@user-bv4mu5om5u

Жыл бұрын

I think he was manipulating her to get sex too. I think that it's not a coincidence that the very next day he decided he was not ready. He was not interested to begin with. He got what he wanted and now he's gone.

Thank you Anna. You are the fairy that will teach a whole generation to love themselves and others properly. 🙏🏽🧡

23:26 Soooo much wisdom was shared here and throughout the entirety of this video. This woman's wisdom is therapeutic.

Such an important topic, especially these days! Thank you and your hair looks great!

Qualify With someone what a word or phrase means to them. You will be amazed at the range of interpretations.

The problem is...they lie! Asking anything is not working according to my experience. And yes, even though you are very smart, intelligent, guru of human being...there are very very good liars there. Expert. I wish asking openly would work really.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

If you don't know someone well enough to have a genuine sense of their integrity, it's WAY too soon for sex.

@bebebete

Жыл бұрын

@@CrappyChildhoodFairy Yes I understand but there are real serial liars out there in dating arena now. It is not only about sex, they lie (mostly to themselves too) and create a false persona to you, and it can go for years... seriously, for years... I am 44 and I only date older men because they are more genuine (generation gap I believe)... My generation does not even know dating... cruel for people like us. Dating becomes stressful. Also people date more than one person, and it is normal for them. I mean in this serial dating concept, of course lying for having what you want is easy. I still ask openly what they want from a relationship, most of men do not give genuine response, but at least nonverbal communication and my experiences help me to decide if I need to continue dating or not. Thank you for everything Fairy!

You always talk about friends like that’s easy!

Fairy, could it be that those of us with abandonment wounds are magnets for rebound relationships? Maybe Star was his rebound person. It's happened to me more than once, until suddenly, I looked over my past three relationships - two marriages and one serious boyfriend after 2nd divorce. I truly believe I was a rebound girlfriend in each case. Do we attract them or as you've taught us, "we are attracted to them" for certain reasons.

I’m sorry that happened to you, Star. ❤ He may not be a narcissist, but he’s definitely a jerk.

Thanks for this video, Anna, which is very interesting indeed. One thing I would say is that it seems quite possible that this guy is indeed just a guy (i.e., not a narcissist), but he's a guy who has a fearful avoidant attachment style. This makes people (women too) behave like pendulums: one minute they are attracted and very open and charming, but when they get too close (or an anxious attachment style partner triggers them by being too needy) they freak out and withdraw. This cycle can repeat ad infinitum. I guess sex only make sit more confusing. But the guy p[robably needs just as much help to unlearn his attachment wounds as Star.

Oh Star honey, I’ve been that girl. More than once! Lucky for you that you have this wisdom now at a young age.

May I suggest a Cancer Survivor support group too??.. That would be a great way for Starr to meet others that have fought and won this horrible disease.... And yes,they will most definitely "get" her and where she's coming from ..

Oh Anna this is so helpful. 💛 💫. Thank you

Anna is on fire today! All the analogies ♡♡♡

I think some people can handle FWB, but most people can't. If you're in love with someone and they don't love you back, there's nothing wrong with you; it happens all the time, but don't have sex with them; IMHO, it very rarely will make someone feel something they don't already. If you come on too strong, and someone runs, let them go; they either don't feel the same or they're really scared. Either way, they won't be a good mate. I don't think fantasy is bad, but you need to keep a foot in reality and keep meeting other people, one of whom might actually feel the same AND be ready. Much love!

Best video she has ever done with regards to dating!!!! Agreed!!

This came at the perfect time for me!

This VIDEO!! Redoing your dating course now that I think I might be ready...I had some things to clean up the first time I did it. Such rich stuff. I have to have a structured dating plan. I just can't date like someone who doesn't have my stuff. Thanks for all your experience being put forward 💗💗

I love how real and direct you are. Makes me think of that movie "He's Just Not That Into You".

Just so this girl doesn't doesn't feel taken by this co-worker. Guys that causally hook up with the stipulations of "friends with benefits" are needy manipulators. They are masters at laying on the attention to make you feel the experience is real. They have "practice" at sorting out the girls they think they can hook up with. They know the buttons to push to get your attention then take away those feelings and confuse the relationship. . It doesn't help that she had a unsettling childhood. The real issue here is to try and not repeat the lesson you have learned from this fellow. If you see the same patterns in any new relationship -run girl. Know they are playing you. There are plenty of "people - men" that have more experience in the" hook up experience". They know how the other person will react and what to say like "I'm not over my past girlfriend. " They will play "hot and cold" games with your feelings. They are selfish and only want their needs met. There was no way for anyone to know the outcome of this pretense because if you have little life experience you can't see the pattern. These guys are very personable, because if they weren't you wouldn't have anything to do with them. It's not like they have "Creep -user" written on their forehead then it would be clear what their expectations were for their "catch." Anytime some one plays "hot and cold" games with your feelings, you don't have to participate in their behavior pattern. This pattern is their own issues, let them own it. When you raise your self esteem, you will be less likely to get involved with other peoples issues.

@photographylover87

Жыл бұрын

Love this.

Thanks for helping out very informative

Thank you so much. You made so much sense for me. That my patterns are pretty much summed up here. Similar childhood. It makes sense. Hard to hear but so needed.

I love your hair 💗 just had to say it

Very similar expierence to this person who wrote, thank you for sharing ❤️

goes for two women together too! Take a step back and make sure you are ok with everything. Don't let anyone pressure you and make you feel bad about saying "NO" Love yourself!

I just started watching you the other day and was thinking about writing in a question about limerance. I didn't have to because Stars story is so similar to mine! Thank you.

I feel totally seen by this video. Going through this right now. Thank you for this. ❤

Pretnding you're someone you're not serves noone.... very much true

Wow. What a useful video! I have a meeting with my crush in 2 days and you nailed the subject! I was feeling so scared and desoriented. Not sure on what posture sould I have on Sunday. Than... you released this video and... you say everything I wanted to hear 🙏

Very good advice about not talking about 'that guy'... which is exactly what women 'friends' and 'therapists' (of either gender) will try to get you to do. Doing once a day (journalling for instance) is a good idea. Fantasy rumination is difficult to avoid at night though!

Oh my Anna! the feral cats part: you totally got me, it felt like it came straight form your heart and deeply rooted in your truth: it touched my heart so much and made me laugh as well. No wonder why I LOVE ferla cats!!!!

Missing is a slippery slope and that is still physical!!!! Know their soul before you give yours!

I don't know how to get into a relationship. I've never had one, all the woman I meet only want casual relationships. It's a shame. I want love and understanding, what everyone wants.

@MaRiAm936

Жыл бұрын

You have to go through the worst to get the best.Or maybe the type of women you like aren't relationship's material(they like bad guys/just want to have fun/see men as an ATM ..)

18:19 I RELISH asking that question with the follow ups if they are evasive. It stops my over thinking and kills any situation that would have caused me pain for months... before ending anyways.

Yes!! I've signed up too many times..

The part I can relate to was when she said she had it hard so early in life that this guy looked like a knight in shinning armor. I was the same. My family were monsters so the first guy I had feelings for looked like a bright shining light. And wrong I was.

Anna, 'Are You My Mother?' by Margaret Wise Brown. My kids loved it, and so did I 🙂

Ooof did you have to make a video personally aimed at me??? 😂😂😂

I never heard this before…. I never Knew why having sex casually got to me soo badly. Having feelings of worthless or not good enough. I couldn’t imagine how it would it be if i actually had more feelings for the person. Forget that. But hey…. At least this last time I knew it wasn’t me. Wait…. Yea am pretty sure. Well it had nothing to do with how i look. That’s good to know.

This kind of relationship destroyed me emotionally and spiritually. Never again.

The fairy is so super sweet and nice about this guy and she is to be admired BUT… I don’t necessarily need to be “nice”. This guys a jerk! He ignores her then shows up for sex. He’s a user. He’s disrespectful at best and a narcissist at worst. But her advice is awesome! Run Star RUN!!! Don’t disgrace yourself for one more minute!!!

Thank you so much for the work you do! This video in particular was super meaningful to me.

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

Glad to hear it! Jack@TeamFairy

WOW! Thank You so much. I'm so in love with your channel! You actually put a smile on my depressed face.

@lalacrypto1

Жыл бұрын

I hope you find healing 💛

Ugh this is my situationship to the T. I’m so embarrassed 😞 and NOW I’m obsessed and can’t stop reaching out. No contact is not working since we work together and it’s so easy for me to fall back in the hole. I’m glad I found this channel to help identify and shed light on my issues 🙏

I'm the one who only wants sex. I don't want to deal with my CPTSD issues and try to deal with a relationship. But I've cut off casual sex because it's never really casual is it?

@maryevelyn3059

Жыл бұрын

That's where I am also. I'm 61 and meet men who are definitely only interested in casual sex. It's not going to be with me. So I'm fine being without a partner. I'm better off alone. I've dealt with my childhood and young adult trauma and I don't need a man in my life. Yes I miss sex with a man but it's not worth it to just be a hookup. I won't do that anymore.

Thank you immensely🙏💗😘☀️ . You are sharing and teaching, so much. Thank you ❤️

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

Жыл бұрын

You are so welcome

My ex broke up with and still had the nerves to tell me he wanted to be fwb with me. I accepted, only because that would mean that I would be close to him again.

@karatalley1987

Жыл бұрын

I understand. I've been in that situation too.

@photographylover87

Жыл бұрын

Same. I will NEVER degrade myself like that again.

@bleachedgiraffe9457

Жыл бұрын

@@photographylover87 it’s been three months of it and i still feel some shame

@user-ej5jc5dk1e

Жыл бұрын

I don't believe its good for you . Not good at all . To offer you to be a FWB i think it's a way of saying he doesn't really care about you . it's also a boost to his ego of course . And gives him time to look for a women that he really interested in whiIe not taking into consideration your needs & your feelings . I am so sorry to say , but it sounds he is there to use you when he needs sex and he feels lonely and wants to feel excepted . I don't want to say worse things . But if you were my daughter I make sure you meet a lot of other people , make sure you are choosing only with good & decent people and stop any kind of relationship with this person ASAP . Of course you can open up the subject with him ,check what kind of relationship he wants from you . Because there is very little chance that he did change his mind . Very little chance . I know about a Psychologist who had similar situation . She told him how she fells about him and that she needs a proper relationship . Surprisingly he did agree to all her list of needs and requests . But the opposite happens more often . But she took the risk of opening up to him and may ve rejected . But this time he understood she will not except any BS games . They are married for , about 40 years maybe more and things are going well between them . She isa courageous woman . Her therapist told her not to do it because he will definitely won't except her wish to have a normal boyfriend girlfriend relationship . But she was determined that he will not still years and emotions out of her life . It was one of this cases that she decided it's going to be her way or ending up the relationship totally . She was not going to stay with him only to serve his selfish needs and give up on herself , her needs and dignity . Ask Anna the fairy . I highly recommend her . Listen carefully to this amazing lady Anna . She knows the best .

@a.h.2667

Жыл бұрын

Unfortunately people will continue to do this as long as they find someone willing to go along with it.

I can’t tell u how much I relate to being “too much.” One of my heartaches.

You're awesome. Thank you.

Oh Anna you look so lovely 🥰🥰 Anyway I want to say to all young women do not hook up. Like if you wanna something serious ,stop being cool! You don't have to sleep with any one before something serious. If guy likes you he will make it clear, if he wants you you will know it. If you sleep with a guy without serious commitment and he said something opposite than love than you just have to deal with your decisiouns and actions because no one didn't push you to sleep with him in the first place, let's be real. Like this could happend even when you are living together and get sleep you will form this emotional sexual bond. Woman tipicaly have emotional bond to their partner if they sleep with him. People with ctps need to learn how to deal with their actions. I have had learnt it on hard way. I had been in long term relationship and he was my frist sexual partner same as I were his. We loved each other or I thought he did love me.... Eventually we started to live together then we broke up... (we had a lot of fights because of his addiction, friends, spending money etc etc) . He wanted me to get back and I wanted marriage and commitment and he said when we start to live he will give a time to think about it but only if we live together again. Long story short I get it... if he didn't propose me for all those years he is not gonna do it anyway. I lost my time on a grown boy expecting a grown man. My lesson is like if you wanna real commitment you have to make differend actions. Men know what they are doing same as woman. Open your mind and eyes. If you wanna partner for a life you will not find him at hookups and relationships without commitment.

I really needed this because I very recently went thru an almost identical situation

@CrappyChildhoodFairy

5 ай бұрын

I'm glad the video was helpful! -Calista@TeamFairy

For 12 step programs, I recommend women only 12 steps or woman support groups. I am in a 12 step womans SSLA

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Is there a similar program for overgrown male teenagers in pursuit of becoming men ? Half of the American population needs it!!

Bless you.

I would not advise this young woman to stay away from hookups. She doesn't even know how different men do sex and confuses having sex with hook-ups. I would advise her to write her needs and wants, to write down what a good partner would be for her, everything that she feels important and comfortable for her. And more important, how does she want to feel in a romantic relationship and how she will act accordingly. And based on that list she can look at every new potential partner and know if they are a good fit for her and if they fulfill her needs and wants and to what degree. And then she won't feel devasted when she gives her precious to somebody who doesn't mirror her feelings. She will allow herself hook-ups, and these won't throw her down in her self esteem, cause she will feel empowered by deciding to fullfil her needs and wants and assessing the capability of others to do so for her. This will allow her to recognize true feelings in others without even having to rely on their words.

@whyjustwhy2168

Жыл бұрын

I'm diggin it

So strange how they only bring up friends with benefits AFTER they've slept with you.

I've been here for 3 years now, ove accepted how things are but always have that hope he'll turn around and say he wants more

@Iudicatio

Жыл бұрын

Yeeeaaaahh...sorry if this is very harsh, but if he hasn't done that after 3 years, he's not going to. Men know whether they really want something more with a woman within a few weeks, but they don't mind hanging around for sex and companionship with someone they will never feel that way about while they wait for their true love to show up.

@jemmawhitehouse1043

Жыл бұрын

@@Iudicatio oh I know that hun. I've accepted it. There's is hope. But I know it's never going to be. I'll still look to find the love if my life. Maybe one day I'll find him x

May I suggest a good book that helped me through similar experiences well in to my adulthood and it is called "Women who love too much" author Robin Norwod - I recommend this for healing and coming to terms with loss and becoming stronger - it is well worth fighting for independence and emotional survival - this book will light the way.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Yesssss

Wow, I wish she’d been around when I was still dating!

I strongly advice against colleague love. Its all nice and well until break up. Then its not as much.

The only thing I don’t agree with in this video is that narcissists are rare. They’re everywhere and it’s a worse epidemic than COVID. But it is a very grounding and nice perspective to also acknowledge that sometimes people are lonely. And loneliness is a hunger that makes people do hurtful things, without exactly being terrible.

Anna is amazing 🙏😊

I have a nack for picking narcissist 😂🤣🤦‍♀️ they always love bomb me in the beginning just to bread crumb me later! Making me want more than they are willing to give. At this point I'm like you do you and when I need that intimacy I'll go charge my toy 🙄👍. I've made peace with the fact that I'm the only person in my life that will put me 1st.

I feel this…. I think this is my problem. 😮

They'll swear up and down they want a relationship, then try to flip the situation. The only way to really avoid that is to hold off and let them show you they were being honest, or prove they weren't being honest. If they truly like you and hope to build a relationship they will not try to get you alone in their house for 'date' 2 or 3, and will be more than happy to spend time getting to know you and showing you their intentions go beyond the bed. It's that simple and that hard at the same time because if you're crazy about them, and trust them obviously it's hard to hold back and wait a bit.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Life is a lot more simplier when you have the ability to discern a man who genuinely wants to find a woman- so he can love and care for her vs a overgrown child who uses women as a stepping stool for his next nut. A narcissist is a grown child who is incapable of loving other people because... they ONLY love themselves. So if you see this guy, sucking his own dick, ask yourself- would a man brag about himself to a woman or would he prove to that woman that he genuinely loves and care for her through romantic and platonic acts ?

These are easy players the ones you must watch are the long time player!!!

Well it's interesting that you think of narcissists and narcissism as being a "stage". I can see why you might think that. But I live in a toxic family dynamic again at age 50 something. I can tell you that, it's much more complex than that. I think it's much more a mental illness if i had to label it. It's a personality type that is hollow. They are charming people but can't have true empathy towards others. They also tend to have learning issues. True learning issues not just ADHD types but struggle with complex analysis or thinking. ~ Luckily there are several great PhD counselors on KZread to help enlighten us folks who struggle with narcs in our family. Huge. Very meaningful to finally understand some of our dysfunctional family issues.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

Her definition of "narcissistic" is very textbook and isn't backed by genuine experience with the full spectrum of narcissistic people (like me and you). But, she's right and we're wrong- just cause it isn't what her book says.

@shimmerysparkles123

Жыл бұрын

@@StayPositiveLLC I guess so? I hope the world of clinical psychology is improving and evolving more than we know. After a very famous iconic leader became the poster 'man child' for narcissism, there's more awareness. I see it but very few on social media point it out. My point, is simply that these people are not a phase, it's a personality type, it's a toxic trait. I wish it were a phase though. My elderly mother does seem to display "worse" episodes of it when she's upset but if it worsens as time goes by, is that a phase too? Meh, I digress. Whatever. These personality types typically have a self destructive path too. They come across great things in life yet never find happiness.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

@@shimmerysparkles123 Yessss, victimhood psychology mixed with trauma and "I only love MYSELF" in a bitter bottle of get the fuck away me.

@StayPositiveLLC

Жыл бұрын

@@shimmerysparkles123 Regarding your elderly mother, it is vital to note that as women age- Menopause and Perimenopause are commonly reported to surface, causing shifts in mood and tolerability around others. It is wise to take what I typed into consideration, backed by strategic research to better care for your elderly mother. PLEASE DO NOT take her moods personally!!

@shimmerysparkles123

Жыл бұрын

@@StayPositiveLLC well it's very difficult to understand my mom sometimes. I'm like my dad in appearance and personality so I've bonded with him. My sister is the same but with my mom. Mom was verbally abused by her mother and i heard her complain most of my life about it... only to move back in to help by father after strokes/ill health, etc...& for her to act out that abuse on me. It's a very puzzling thing to see my younger sister come and visit and my mom morph into "daughter roles" and my sister become a "mother figure". It's wild. It's manipulation in real time. It's prolly a form of elderly abuse too but i haven't pointed that part yet. However when Adult Protective Svcs visited a few months back, my mom kept that secret (narcs are big on secrets)... and what i thought was totally wrong. I've since been trying my best to learn about narcs. It's amazing really. Too much to delve into right now but it's really amazing to learn about the "key" to narcissism. It's been the missing puzzle piece in my life all along. (I'm the scapegoat/co-dependent type. That's been my trauma response. I constantly look inward. I can't change it either, so inevitably, I'm always blaming myself...)

@36:04 All feral cats welcome at my 12-step home group. Even though we don't know you, we already love you in our own special way.

If you want to bother him, never respond to him anymore, but do open it, leave it on read, start talking about how hot your other co-worker is, and don’t give him the time of day at work either, if he asks you out in person after work, just give him a disgusted face and walk off.