wow! it was great to finally get an explanation I understand as to why I get so much anxiety and stress when I know I have to set boundaries or speak up for myself...slowly I am caring less what kind of reaction the other person has, I need to start doing this and healing my reasons NOT to speak up and face those fears. Thank you again Michele.

You and Doctor Ramani are my favorite youtube channels on narcissistic abuse! I remember when I was triggered by some words someone said at an open mic night in 2018. I had experienced attempted coercion in 2008 online and a guy said some words of a sexual nature and made a comment that I probably knew something about it and this was in public and very mortifying. I did feel in danger as I experienced a freeze response and this confused this guy who had asked me to a movie a week before the incident and he told me not to take things so personally. It's difficult to know who to trust when all you've experienced is coercion, bullying and then made to feel like your thoughts and feelings don't matter. I never knew the left side of the brain shut down in those situations. That makes my freeze responses make sense to me.

I get CPTSD symptoms from mechanical failures in anything like a vehicle or a computer far more often than from people. It goes back to when things took the place of people as comforts growing up; my crap car was my escape and a computer brings comfort by taking you somewhere else. When they break down my emotions think danger even though I am in a position not to have to worry about it. It takes an effort to walk way and breathe, but it works. Weird, but those are my triggers.

@fionascott5492

3 жыл бұрын

I get you! My car was my escape, I still have a meltdown if it breaks or when it goes for an mot, I can afford to get my car fixed now but still it stays.

@BellaRigelOrion

2 жыл бұрын

Wow, I didn't realize this is why I get so triggered by my car/ computer/ or xbox having issues until I read this. Makes sense now, I couldn't understand why I would get so scared. I am quite glad you posted this; you inadvertently helped a stranger!

@Spritsailor

Жыл бұрын

@@BellaRigelOrion In those moments I actually feel like I am failing somehow or there is a threat to my well being. After I started to comprehend the problem, it's easier to break the connection from the event to myself. I used to marvel at people who would just take a mechanical failure in stride and just go back to relating to their families. Now I am starting to feel like that, too, but it's still an effort sometimes.

Hello Michele how a person can control the triggers is to first of all get away from a toxic fool in the first place because other than that you can't be the person you want to be and nobody has the right to control another individual is another no no,however you are awesome at what you do and you and the family stay safe.😊😊😊😊😊😊.

@FromSurvivingToThriving

3 жыл бұрын

Yes - it is much easier to regain emotional control when you are not around people that are trying to provoke you !!! Absolutely. However, if we do not take the time to heal our emotional triggers - due to paired association, which is explained in the video - the emotional triggers can continue to fire off and keep us feeling emotionally dysregulated. So glad to hear you like my videos =) Sending positive vibes your way1!

@marcellamcduffie8218

3 жыл бұрын

@@FromSurvivingToThriving Hi again Michele and of course you have been a victim yourself and it's a beautiful thing that you try to inform people and to how to get the help they need and so that they know it's alright and ok to let someone help them ,much love to you and the family and thank soo much for the reply.😊😊😊😊😊😊.

This is awesome content. They go out of their way to trigger anything with emotional baiting & they feel lost, no life, & a desperate attempt to be somebody by getting a reaction to the point where it keeps us double guessing ourselves when we embrace our autonomy, especially when we’re doing good without them.

@lesleygarvs4640

3 жыл бұрын

Excellent comment! 👍🤗🍎

1 year has passed since the discard,still I get a lot of triggers..I dont listen to certain songs,I dont watch any movies,I dont wear certain clothes,I don't eat certain recipients,I dont want to see certain type of numbers..The pain is real🙂

@troycarpenter3675

3 жыл бұрын

I'm sorry for what you are experiencing. I hope good things happen for you.

@timekeepsonslipn

3 жыл бұрын

YESSSSSS

@timekeepsonslipn

3 жыл бұрын

A year and a half for me, does it ever REALLY TRULY end ..... I'm not so sure. I feel like this man will haunt me for the rest of my life. He makes it a point to be involved with my family, and my grandbabies! We were never married. He won't ever stop. 10 years of hell, year and a half later, just hell alone

@troycarpenter3675

3 жыл бұрын

@@timekeepsonslipn Michelle, I was married for 16yrs, together for two before that. A terrible horrific ending. Was a hobbit for 2 1/2 yrs after that. That was 10 years ago. But now, she literally never crosses my mind. Complete indifference. When I am around her( my daughters wedding) nothing. At most I just ignore her. What I'm trying to say is this, time passing really does help. Chin up, pretty girl!

@timekeepsonslipn

3 жыл бұрын

@@troycarpenter3675 Thank you for the words of encouragement

Just going outside to work in my yard or going to the store does this .it makes sense that after an episode of finding out lies from my husband then his silent treatment for weeks only to once I grey rock him he will want to talk in passing sort of or call me out of the blue ask something stupid if I say something about what made him leave he gets pissy or condescending like I am crazy.for days I cant think straight like to do paperwork or Bill's or even call the dentist or dr for an appointment my mind thinking what if I go and someone says something about Larry I'm here in hell and no one UNDERSTANDS but today after watching this I realized I cant function I even start crying driving down the road am scared someone will see me.

@MegDD3912

3 жыл бұрын

Most mornings or at different times during the day if I'm having trouble trying to motivate myself I'll watch a few positive videos on KZread and that usually helps alot.. other times when he tries to fake being nice or interested at all in me I've been putting headphones in for a few minutes and watching some of these videos to help remind myself not to fall for it. It's helped alot I'm finally starting to feel a little more like my normal self each day. I still have days here and there where just thinking about it or his actions will make me upset I just try to not let him notice or see me cry. I can't wait to get out of this mess

Thanks Michelle, the best way is not to bite the hook. Keep doing EFT, be prepared in advance to survive in the emotional jungle🙏❤️selfhelpchampion

@lesleygarvs4640

3 жыл бұрын

What s eft, please? Thanks

I just found your channel and wanted to thank you for all that you share! Your videos are helping me tremendously in my healing process. I broke ties with my narcissistic mother 2 years ago, and I still struggle with the guilt of it. It's not an easy road, but the more I can understand about this condition, the more I am able to heal from it. Thank you ❤️

Amazing content. The flashback pic of the brain makes so much sense. When still enmeshed it must be similar while in the fog. All logic is blocked by an overpowering emotional side. Its layer upon layer of wanting to logic the experience when none is there. The mental fatigue paralyzing. So much quality and quantity in this vlog . I gave you a round of applause like after a TedX talk. You earned it. So do those who dare to unlock the chains that bind.

@FromSurvivingToThriving

3 жыл бұрын

Thank you Brad!! I cannot express how much it means to me to see comments by people that have followed my channel for years - it truly warms my heart!

What you said about putting down the boundary, it makes me think about how when I was bullied in 2018, it took me back to 2008 when I experienced coercion by my subscriber and it made me freeze up and it also made me feel like I was 23 again and feeling scared and alone. Thanks for making all these videos so we can all feel less alone in the world when it comes to experiencing narcissistic abuse.

@lesleygarvs4640

3 жыл бұрын

You can also call the cops, or tell them you will... They don t like authorities, or people who dare to claim their rights... 🏃‍♂️🏃‍♀️🚮

My triggers are being in a work space with unfamiliar women under 40 years old. So workplace is extremely overwhelming and scary. I finally realized that self care is more important than a job my peace is way more valuable

@_Lightning_Dog_

3 жыл бұрын

I had a really bad experience with an emotionally abusive medical provider the other day. It was devastating because I went into the meeting with trust and openness and was met with lies and insults. Now I’m debating whether seeing them is worth it.

Excellent content! Certain songs for me..... you nailed it across the board!

Just what i needed...then you popped up on my nottifs♥️♥️♥️ Love yah!!!

@amandam9012

3 жыл бұрын

Feel the same way, perfect timing ❤❤

Yes...right on target...ty

Indeed. One of the most damaging effects is the destruction of your boundaries.

Thanks for the informative video Michele.

Triggers: •Being touched at night in the dark, awake or asleep. •Any time I attempt to "stuff" my feelings down. •nighttime/sleep - I get nighttime anxiety about death or things going horribly wrong in my life.

I was waiting on this one. Thanks.

This is true. This is brilliant. I can't thank you enough. This is very very helpful. You are an angel 😇 THANKS 💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐💐

SOS! Today I just feel like running back into his arms😥😥

This must be what happens to me when people start talking about conspiracy theories and political issues. I grew up with a brother who was schizophrenic and was obsessed with government and certain news channels. He wouldn’t take his medication and would rant and rave and talk all night for days. I would try to be kind to him but it was terrifying as I was a teenager and these episodes would go on for days. Now when someone starts talking about extreme politics or conspiracy theories I feel triggered and fight or flight kicks in. It’s very nerve wracking.

It took me a long time to realise this was exactly what was happening to me. It causes a fawn response. And you wonder what the hell is wrong with you. It's what made me feel empty, disconnected and alienated. Even when I was at home alone, I'd just feel really depressed and empty. It all makes so much sense, now. xx

Not setting ourselves up for failure. I just shared with Dr Romney's page about once I realized I was dealing with narcissism once I realized I was so codependent such an enabler such a people pleaser realize that I'm not five anymore and I can respond like an adult rather than a child no more fight or flight I started setting personal boundaries once that happened my friends fell to the wayside narcissists do not like the word no I imagine there's a lot of other people like me who wants they realize what narcissism was found their selves surrounded by narcissists my personal experience anyhow the three friends I had have all managed to throw tantrums in discard me so easily when I set boundaries and said no being selfishly self-helpish just remember guys we will never ever get these moments back make choices to choose to love ourselves thank you. Ps, triggers. Being mindful in every freaking moment is Paramount for me personally taking a breath taking a step back seeing the game from the sideline not attaching any feeling to it just seeing it for what it is and moving forward . Hope that helps.

Thanks Michelle 🌹🌹🌹 Good to know all this 🙏🙏🙏💞💕💞

Thank you.

Awesome. Thank you.

Thank you ❤️

Wow this is really good! You are amazing sis

Yoi give a very good explanation on boundaries activating triggers!

Amazing video!! The concept of "paired association" is so helpful!! Thank you for shaing all your precious information with us!

This is so good! One of my favorite videos! I'm saving it to watch again in the near future.

Neurons that fire together, wire together. Great video 💪🏼

After him never respecting my boundaries and not taking care of his school work or me I was so done and one of my friends actually really liked me. I told my bf and all he said was “if he makes you happy go be with him then”. I was so angry because all I wanted was for him to try for our relationship as hard as I was. I stayed with him anyway. A year later we broke up and he replaced me in four days. I was devastated and angry. I still have flashbacks. And I still feel guilt.

@lesleygarvs4640

3 жыл бұрын

Salt hot bath... To remove the toxines and chemicals your brain produces remembering all these... Ah and green juices(chlorella, spirulina, etc)... New ideas will start pumping in your head like... Well, that other guy who was crazy to date me.. Is he still around... 😁... Marry him... Be totally happy... And that s the best revenge... 👍😁

Thankyou angel

Such a great video.!!! Michelle a thousand THANK YOUs Your explanations bring so much clarity.

Now I know why I blank out when pressured to assert myself. I feel lost at that moment.

Love it. 💕

I'm struggling deeply specifically being highly sensitive or triggered. I am in a healthy relationship now but spent years in narcissistic abuse and I find myself being very quick to defend myself from being controlled and anything small my boyfriend may say or do can trigger a strong fight response in me if I feel I'm being controlled in any way. Then after I snap out of it I feel so guilty afterwards

Thank you , i really needed it t

I have to say this is a great video! I have been doing intense CBT for the last 2 or 3 months, finally, I can see light at the of the tunnel but still, I can be easily triggered by "silly" things and just burst into tears. Mainly at work when getting criticism or talking to a doctor when I am hurting. As Michele said, I feel there is something wrong with me and I could not find out what the heck that is. She explained it all so well, it makes total sense! Thank you for sharing your knowledge with us.

Your are Amazing!! Suddenly everything makes sense!!!!! I am going to follow your advice because I’ve made so many wrong decisions in my life due to Narc Abuse. I really need to overcome this ASAP!!! God Bless You!!!

Thank you Michelle!! You are like a sister that I never had. Listening to you describe your journey of self understanding is such a self validating experience for me. Thanks again for your insightful and uplifting videos. May God bless you!

Shopping alone ... particularly in the evening triggers me. I’ve finally been feeling good and like myself again after a couple of weeks of no contact. Last night, in Walmart, I suddenly felt so alone and felt the panic beginning. I prayed repeatedly. “God take the pain away, God take the pain away.” He did and I was better after a few minutes but I’ll be Avoiding late night shopping until the trauma bond is completely gone. Thank you for your videos, Michelle. They’re always very helpful.

Thanks, Michelle, you give the best information based on true emotions, very creative and intuitive, Good graphics about the left side of the brain. I'm suffering from that but journaling in the morning to help me with it not that I have a consistent waking up in the morning. ☺

@SandeepSinghKhalsa

3 жыл бұрын

Does this work when you're with them. Like CPTSD healing.

My life is currently exceedingly bland due to my (largely unconscious) efforts to insulate myself from the surrounding minefield of triggers, the no man's land of eggshells, speckled with everyday things and situations distorted into nightmarish monstrosities I don't dare disturb. I am reminded in a very indirect and long-winded manner of my narcissistic ex everywhere I wander.

This is ripping me apart .. just when I think I'm out ,I let myself get drawn back in and every time I wonder ..How the hell did she do it again..

@timekeepsonslipn

3 жыл бұрын

I understand this COMPLETELY. It's crazy right. Trauma bonds. Spent YEARS going back. Today we spoke thru email, and I haven't touched that man in a year and a half now ( longest ever ) WHYYYY is so damn hard to completely let go. 😭 Triggers, I'm weak maybe. No intentions of going back, but sadly I want to! It's so wrong to think the one that breaks our heart is the only one that can mend it. Feels that way. It just sucks. I've been thru so much through 10 years. Past year and a half I thought I've made so much forward movement to only feel like I'm walking on a treadmill, walking my ass off, but going NO WHERE.

@bradmcewen

3 жыл бұрын

Hey Bill so did I. Big mistake but that last time I have maintained zero contact even when the bait was put out. Its forever this time. Extending humanity humanely to someone is not a fault but a plus. We just have to accept what is not meant to be to get to that good place. In time, taking care of yourself is priority without being the least bit selfish.

@MegDD3912

3 жыл бұрын

Most mornings or at different times during the day if I'm having trouble trying to motivate myself I'll watch a few positive videos on KZread and that usually helps alot.. other times when he tries to fake being nice or interested at all in me I've been putting headphones in for a few minutes and watching some of these videos to help remind myself not to fall for it. It's helped alot I'm finally starting to feel a little more like my normal self each day.

@IAmDasani

3 жыл бұрын

block her! change your phone number and address if u can!

@lesleygarvs4640

3 жыл бұрын

And don t forget zero contact... Or at least grey stone... 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♂️👍😁

It is so freaking awesome knowing that we can reprogram ourselves basically when we set the personal boundaries for me personally it has empowered me and enabled me to rise above the triggers see them before they happen kind of being mindful in every moment is so Paramount for me personally got to be one step ahead when you're discarded etc see the red flags and walk away let it go our time and loving ourselves and getting ourselves back is so much more important amen

I like this video

Great lecture. Thank you very much. Many things do resonate with me personally. No wonder that I’m afraid to be assertive (to be happy) when every time in the narc family I do try to assert myself, make me happy do what I want - even simples thing was punished with cruelty - for example as a teenager when narc mother came to me at the my day off at school morning pretty early demanding that I accompany her to the market to carry bags for her(at the same time my 6 years older brother was at home too she can take him), and I ask to sleep for 30 minutes more, she just kick out my butt out the home and send me to live for a week on opposite side of the time with older narc brother when I had to wake much, much more early than usual to go to school at 8 o clock at the morning I had to travel 1 hour by to public transport packed full in rush hour, just for asking to sleep a little bit more when where available other brother if she need so much to go to market at that time. That typical behavior that had to face living with narc mother. No wonder that I’m afraid to assert myself my needs and wants. Definably paired association of meeting my needs and danger. And when I submit to authority figure will- feels safe (lack of abuse and punishment) Later in life as adult when do try to live with and narc father in US he invite me, just for lightly clicking him in forehead in argument where he was wrong he became so pissed off and in rage for number of day only thing that calm him down when I beg him for forgiveness standing on my knees. And later I had to do it often to calm his silent rage often for me not clear for what reason or when I try to address issues and fuss down, even to display such level of submission to him even had to kiss his feet - that was fastest way to calm him down and do not tolerate for days that energy of rage around feel all that strong negative emotions that he displayed by various means. And he very enjoyed when I did so. So for slightest assertion of myself such a rage even if it is silent. So now I see better why so afraid to assert myself my needs my happiness. Just an example of pretty typical interactions whit my narc family. Thank you for a video again.

@blackduck9867

3 жыл бұрын

It’s always their will their way or no way. So start to see that connection - paired association now.

Thinking more about the topic and start to notice that connection between feeling safe when pleasing narc parents for example, and feeling in danger when assert my needs. Seems that is root of that people pleaser syndrome, when do feel in danger when do not please narc father-mother etc. When they are happy-pleased do what they what even if it is to my own detriment I’m not in danger of their abuse, rage, harassment, complains, smear campaigns, bulling and so on. And when I disobey their will, their bad advise, or their commands, imperatives do feel immediately in danger very anxious about it. All the time when I disobey their will, their control and imperatives and decisions about my life they do punish me with cruelty - that was very dangerous and painful they cause me huge detriment and humiliation. No seems start to understand why my own brain on auto pilot self-sabotage my personal success and happiness which trigger their envy and feelings of inferiority and competition and they rush to put me down, make me underdog again to maintain their superiority. Like father hates when he is wrong so if I prove him wrong he does everything to make him right - up to sabotaging me covertly and overtly just to make himself right. Like if he said that I fail in my business he will use all tricks from the book to make me fail, because without his sabotage, and cutting me down I could succeed and my success made his claims wrong what he just can’t stand. So again that programing in me shows up that to be safe and protect myself I have to comply and self-sabotage to please to make narc father happy and pleased by making his claims and predictions come true. And this pleasing of narc parents again correlate with that LAW for example narc father demand of HONORING YOUR FATHER - pleasing your father do write some time before in comment under other video. Again narc father spin it also as braking THE LAW! And braking the law is unsafe and dangerous, arise anxiety and fear in me and pushes me to obey the law even to my detriment. Seems a lot of thing interconnected. Very big and deep topic.

While toxic relationships worsen c-ptsd do you agree the ptsd already existed from childhood? I for example growing in alcoholic home and the g.f. is bpd and awakened my trauma. Yes no?

@truthmerchant1

3 жыл бұрын

Definitely PTSD from childhood is compounded by abusive relationships in adulthood.

Patrick Teahan video and roleplay..childhood drama. Are the reason for grown up triggers

Do keep thinking about that emotional triggers - and one very strong come out - Feel that not do what I want without allowance of authority figures (parents - father/mother, boss, some therapist, clergy, teachers etc.) If they do not allow me to do I feel that panic attack and stress and flash back, feel myself paralyzed, and find myself fighting and arguing with them to get that allowance-approval of my plans, desires, wishes, wants and needs. Do argue with them in real life or in my head or both, do argue and argue without getting that approval and get stuck there. Just horrible feeling, just like hit all the time brick wall of their NO! And just can’t break through it, getting stuck there, frustrated, angry, scared anxious just do not know how even describe all that feelings. And seems that of course is rooted in abusive childhood where for every my action without allowance from authority figure get severely and with cruelty punished time after time something bad was done to me overtly or covertly. Just horrible. How to unstuck and heal?

@blackduck9867

3 жыл бұрын

Or if the put same idea in to different words - triggers idea of going against their wants and needs their will, rules, some crazy dogmas, ideologies etc.. Their (authority figures - or variant needy people, professional victims who demand this or that.) so going against their decisions, wants, and needs, what they want - triggers that panic attack, flash backs, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, anger, arguing , defending. That IMHO correlates with allowance, approval - if they need something so they do not allow me do other way. And I stuck arguing, begging them to allow me to do things my way. Something like that. And seems there is also rooted somehow that fixer-helper syndrome. How I try to fix them so they finally do allow me something I do not know, kind of mess in the head. Deep topic.

@blackduck9867

3 жыл бұрын

Just keep thinking on the topic - and new thoughts come up which correlate with all that idea of begging for permission, seeking their approval with that comes idea that I have to share all my plans, dreams, preferences and wants and needs am up to. After sharing -consulting with them, they ether prohibit or allow me to do that. And that very weird, narcissists and alike do not allow me to have secrets, to do not tell them my plans, hopes, dreams, need etc. And abuse me if I keep them in secret, - how dare you to have secrets form us do tell they me form childhood!!!! All the time was some sort of interrogation, and they spy on me if do saw something they dislike they abuse me and mess with my head. Like it something bad to have secrets, some terrible sin. If they found out that I do something anyway covertly again abuse and punishment. And I was not able to argue, to prove them wrong, to disprove their position - they just use emotional reasoning, appeal to god, higher power to authority, to some pulled out of the ass rules - they present themselves as some gatekeepers of all good and safe and they judge what right what wrong for me - what safe what dangerous. So intimidate me that what they prohibit for example is dangerous for me hence I should always do go consult them is that safe or dangerous - present themselves as some helpers and healers and my protectors(wolves in sheep clothes). So, do see that connection with need of their permission and injunction to tell them everything about my plans, likes-dislikes etc. And how they demand all information form me, and how punish me for hiding information from them, having secrets. So seems from that times have a fear if do not tell them something of have secrets, and if do not run first of all to ask them do they permit me that or not. Defiantly some trigger and paired associating with withholding information, keeping my plans in secret and danger, casing flash back, panic and fear.

@blackduck9867

3 жыл бұрын

And I do not know all that above and that act of providing information seems also correlate whit that my tendency to over explain everything, do explain all the time stuff to people who play dumb, do not bother to listen do not hear me do not care - just push their will, needs, wants, their decisions about my life and so on. And like that from childhood. That over explaining that synonym of begging for permission, so narc totalitarian abusers do allow me to do, or remove their ban and prohibitions and/or change the way they treat me or their way of life, or stop torture me. As example now often find myself begging some significant to me person to stop silent treatment, like I beg mother in childhood to reply to me and pay attention to me. And to that day find myself in such situations with similar people whom do explain and explain with zero result - my need are not met, zero positive outcome.

Michelle ❤️ How will coaching help be while I am still in the relationship with N. . .? Is it useful.? Is there a video about coaching and what to expect. Thanx

I am praying about it. Is like a panic attack and you v cannot pull yourself together! You have to get yourself in controll. As a child when in shock.. I started laughing uncontrollable. Imagine male teacher shouting at you and you start laughing! That man felt like killing me

I get triggered from aggressive people. It effects my entire day n night.I hate it.

Is it possible that one of my triggers is feeling joy? Because in the past any time I felt joyous my narc parent would find a way to ruin it for me. So now every time I feel joy, I feel like something really bad is about to happen

One dog bite me as a little girl.. Now, I live in a city where dogs are really friendly... But already 3 times people send the dogs to greet me, or smell me... And I don t dare to touch them... Maybe the owners feel bad for my behaviour... I also want to ask.. How do I know the difference between a paired association and a gut feeling... As they seem quite similar, as in both situations you feel uncomfortable, yet pair association is a ghost from the past, while gut feeling is a red flag... I would love if someone knows the difference... Thanks. Excellent video...

Too bad the trigger is my own home. I can't stay in my home for a long period of time. TT

@SilverSurfeq1989

3 жыл бұрын

Me too.

@SilverSurfeq1989

3 жыл бұрын

Its hell on earth.

Computers trigger me. Which is great because we have to use them all the time, and it's not at all even further socially isolating when you keep computer usage to an absolute minimum at most. Not at all.

The more I reinforce my personal boundaries the more I reinforce positive response to the triggers the triggers no longer give me the anxiety they had once before seeing things without emotion attached makes it easier am I making sense

I couldn't leave my house for 6 months

@13:16

Hi Michele! Sent you a message from your website. Please, take a look. Thanks!

@FromSurvivingToThriving

3 жыл бұрын

Will do!! Keep in mind that due to the volume of emails from my website, some fall through the cracks so if you don't see a response please feel free to resend =)

@Betscu.

3 жыл бұрын

@@FromSurvivingToThriving I just sent it again.

Cptsd is a Hell.

Perfect timing. It's been a year and a half after the discard. He was quiet on his social media until a week ago, uploaded a post on his social media. It happens today too. Seems like he's not doing well (maybe due to the pandemic). I got kinda affected by his posts... A part of me want to reach out to him but...I'm not really sure...I'm confused :(

@skelellele4256

3 жыл бұрын

Louise L Remember how much he hurt you. He didn’t reach out to you, I know it hurts but he does not deserve your attention since he was so quick to walk away from it. You deserve your attention.

@louisel2898

3 жыл бұрын

@@skelellele4256 Thank u Molly. Need to keep remind myself that.

Deep topic, continue to reevaluate my past and look how what did and do enjoy and like and my preferences was punished and abused by narc family members so that makes sense that am so anxious and feel danger and feel unsafe when do what want to do, am who I am, and do what brings me pleasure. And how they force me to their dogma and rules and will and decisions, their wants and needs and world view, disregarding all mine. And only safe place was to do as they want and what they demand. So many memories arise. So in child hood was all the time baited by narc mother, brother and their pocket cult comrades - So I was prohibited to watch action movies and alike which do like - if was caught watching them - punishment/abuse, rage, long scandal. Was prohibited to draw military stuff or pictures depicting action movies stuff all that tough guys kicking ass - if was caught doing that - rage, abuse, neglect, punishment. Mother could curse and rage for hours. Same was not allowed to read books I enjoy - again book about action heroes, detectives, horror stories, pulp fiction and so on - books was thrown away, destroyed, I was punished, rage, scandal, demining, shaming and so on. Martial arts was prohibited and shamed, working out shamed. Computer games are prohibited and shamed for them and baited. To listen modern music prohibited and listen music with bass turned on was prohibited and shamed as it by their opinion is satanic or demonic or what have they. Money are taken away as evil and me do not deserve them. At teen years was prohibited any materials with erotic or sexual content I do like - magazines if there was even single nude picture it was destroyed, pictures was cut off from magazines, newspapers etc., newspaper with anything even remotely nude was destroyed taken away from me - and I was punished, baited, shamed, neglected, yelled at. Shamed and baited and humiliated for erection and masturbation - huge-enormous scandals if get caught, punishment, rage, abuse so on and so forth. So all do like was prohibited instead on me was pushed some woo woo new age propaganda of that vanilla peace, love, no harm, wich I can’t stand and totally dislike, and do not like at all and IMHO no reasonable people can digest that books and materials of their. So seem that attitude of their affected that CPTSCT symptom that association joy-danger when I do something do like and enjoy and get pleasure feel danger of coming punishment and revenge from people around and mysterious higher power that control them(they claim to serve higher power - channel god or something). And only feel safe from abuse of their when obey their commands - and of course all that abuse and total control wrap in candy they wrap as caring about me and my soul and making me better person, protecting me form danger and they just follow a supreme law of GoD of Gods of what have they, and do resist not only to them as people but supreme GOD himself and GOD also will hate me and punish me and destroy me for disobeying his chosen people and braking THE LAW. So no wonder that I’m still so scared and anxious and do not feel me being me .Feel like on every move need permission, without permission can’t even do simple things to do what I want.

@blackduck9867

3 жыл бұрын

What about father? I do not what even to say, parents’ divorce when I was around age 8, and as understood that was a very ugly divorce a cult leader mother prohibit to see father declare him as some force of evil he is possessed by evil spirits and so on. So older brother - golden child just immediately dump father. I was attached to father and maintain contact with him, mother do limit any ways possible our contacts - how many minutes we allowed to talk by phone, how many hours we allowed to see each other. Or prohibit at all any visits, do not let him step foot in house. I thought that father was on my side, he made gifts to me, by toys, book, etc. mother usually do demand to throw them away at least large chunk of them was thrown away, only after her inspection she out of her will allow something to keep, and all I should share with brother even he do not bother even to talk to father, so they take away my things. And abuse me for resisting and arguing. Then father immigrate firstly in one country to work it was crisis times, do see him around once a month or so. Later he immigrate in US (I’m in eastern Europe) so he came once ore max twice a year, and we speak maybe once in two weeks by phone 10-15 minutes. So do see him very rarely. He promised to take me away from family, but didn’t do it. So he was my hope for better future and that escape route from abusive cult of Mothers group. And when I became legal age at 18, abuse in family was so intense I was very suicidal, and do beg father to allow to live in his apartment on other side of the city in dangerous poor and criminal neighborhood - anything to escape from narcissists. After some time he allowed that. And I start to live at age 18 alone in that neighborhood, he support me with some little money I attend university without any support form “family” and being that crippled stressed child after all that years of abuse and neglect. He promised to take me in US soon it was my hope. So after couple years do travel to him in US having high expectations by phone father promised me paradise, full recovery, finally rest and peace and love he was so sweet and convincing. But when I finally arrive do realize that his promises was not true, he appeared rude, cold, callous, neglectful, un-caring, abusive. Nothing even remotely to what he promised by phone. So as future in life do learn that his sweetness is very short lived and just a façade which he cannot maintain for long, when I was little kid and see him in best case scenario one day in the week or if very lucky all weekend, he could maintain façade for day or two, but some red flags also was, but he blame all that on former wife abuse hard life and so on and I believed him. But when start to live with him day by day, that façade just very fast fade away and appear that cold and rude and neglectful person who just do not care much about me. I was in shook and devastated, frustrated to the core. He and his new wife treat me bad with neglect and silent treatment, all my attempts to sort things out was useless and it was like a talking to brick wall, he just mess with my head, I start to feel very bad, and depressed. Finally when in just another attempt to talk with him what is going on - he told me that he treats me bad because I’m some spy and saboteur sent by my cultist mother to destroy his life and new marriage - I was devastated. Do endure all that abuse in mothers cult all that years, do protect and fight with mother to protect father, do live in poverty alone for so long just to hear and experience all that after his sweet promises how he loves me and awaits me and will well treat me. I just can’t live like that anymore, all my hopes and dreams was just crushed I demand ticket back to my country to live alone. Get very sick and almost die. Barely survive nobody take care about me. I do not know how I survive. It’s another story but after number of years father reappeared like totally reformed person, do tell me that he understood all his mistakes so sorry and asks me to come back and live with him. So after he beg me like that for a time I melt and do agree and again having high hopes and expectations travel in LA again, and there was that was story about kissing his feet to calm him down shortly after I arrived. And again he break all his sweet promises that he is reformed and new person now, he treated me badly, without care for example I for months beg him to take me to the doctor and make X-ray of the foot, do get trauma and limp all the time it hurts all the time to walk he just ignore and did not listen to me, he do not care. I had to beg him literally for a long time to see a doctor. Finally as huge favor after all the time do beg him, cringing, with disgust and very unhappy he took me to the doctor for an X-ray, it was 200$ what a drama - and he was not low income worker, his income was not so small like he could not afford it. Just illustration of the attitude, how he value my wellbeing, plus to other things and regular demands to kiss his feet for forgiveness for some unknown crimes and my unruliness or something, just to calm his rage and anger down and defuse conflict. Again some punishment form asserting myself and my needs and individuality. Again hopes and sweet promises was broken I could not stand it, and when visa expired do not eager to stay with him and he did not insist and I return back at country of origin. So no wonder that after all that I’m afraid to be me and assert myself my needs. So it’s a long story a lot of happened after how he again future fake, and use me as his therapist and dump his stress and sob stories for hours by skype and again promise and never deliver. And destroy my individuality, and punish me for having one. Even if he send me gifts by post he choose clothes for example only what he likes never asking me do I like them or not(he do order them online so he could easily to send me link in a mail), even if I specially many times ask him to ask me first - do I like that or not, no he ignore me and push his will that I should be only like he wants - I do not allowed even to choose color of the boots to wear. And he was getting angry why I’m not happy? He spend money! I should be grateful for things I totally dislike. How bad son I’m am so ungrateful and deserve punishment! Just another little illustration of that punishment for being individual and separate human being not an extension or some sort of clone of him. So seems here could be that root of fear of being punished for being me, being put in danger, and fear and anxiety of disobeying will of authority figures like parents and stress and fear when do thing my way, following my dreams and plans.

How to avoid?? It's called Jack Daniels. Jking

I'm scared to death of women now. I freak out when I get near one. All because of what my wife did to me

You have a perfect...gorgeous face fyi ❤

Flabby breasts. Flabby thighs. Flabby butt. Sometime in the sun wouldn't hurt either.

Finally she gave up that creepy look of her videos! ))

your audio in the video is broken and almost made me deaf

Michele is so beautiful. Until you see her naked. HA HA HA.