This video was fantastic Thais. Really compassionate but at the same time reasonable and honest. I used to be FA and I dated an FA and this is a 100% spot on. It is important to show love, but FA's also need healthy boundaries. One of the reasons I changed was because people were tired of my behavior and I ended up just being and feeling super alone. I also had to set boundaries and let go of my relationship with my FA simply because they were too dysregulated and volatile and not yet ready for change (which is also okay, everyone has their own pace in their journey and it is not up to us to decide who needs to change and when) Awesome video and I think very eye opening for a lot of people :)!

I'm an FA dating another FA. We keep vacillating between hot and cold. I'm current hot and she's cold. There were a couple other times I was nearly 100% sure she hated me and was ghosting me, but it wasn't true. Some days I'm indifferent to disliking her. Other times I think she's a remarkable human. Some days she's very affectionate and complimentary. Other days she cold and distant. I'm exhausted by this push/pull dynamic. I want to communicate more openly with her but she expects me to be a mind reader, which then causes me to make all sorts of assumptions.

I can't help but draw the parallel between how the pain of an FAs inner world ends up being almost contagious. FAs literally see into your soul and make you feel fulfilled in ways you didn't know were possible. And then it's gone in the blink of an eye and it's never the same after that. You end up feeling everything from betrayal, confusion, worthlessness to anger and this deep longing for that same connection again. That sums up their inner world. Unfortunately, another harsh truth is that you might never get closure. What caused them to leave, pull away, ruin your perfect fleeting relationship? They might say work/family/xyz but you know that's not it. You will live with that unknowingness. And you will make peace with it. And you will grow.

@dreamshare2011

Жыл бұрын

I understand it would be difficult to live without knowing why a relationship ended. Try seeing the whole thing from a third person's perspective. Would that help you see what you don't see? You may question what you did. Maybe it was because of you. Maybe it was because of the circumstances. But ask yourself, even if you're perfect, kind, caring, loving, flawless, or there were no family/work/xyz issues, would the result be any different? Or is it just prolonging that day to come? They're who they are. If they don't change, should we expect the outcome to be any different? Life is full of uncertainty and hardship. Some are courageous and willing to deal with the situation while staying together. Others may not have the emotional bandwidth and choose to let you go. In the end, is it about you or about them? When you see that, do you feel clearer about why they ended or are gone? Don't let their way of seeing you/abandoning you define your value, worth. You deserve consistent TLC, not hot and cold.

@akhui5040

Жыл бұрын

They don't give second chance too. "People make mistakes" is not in their vocabulary.. you have to walk on eggshells around them. They don't take constructive criticism well and they don't know what they want. It's hell

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

@adanabdi5040 As an FA myself, I can shed some light that the bit about "people make mistakes" is more like "people are not ABLE to understand what I want, be with me in ways that I need or truly see me for who I am". It is not from a place of expecting people to be perfect but rather feeling lonely and alienated from the lack of needs being met because people just cannot be there for me. I hope you'd be able to see the difference between the two. The unfortunate part is that FAs are not able to articulate what they need, nor trust that the needs will be met, nor be vulnerable enough to even ask. Self fulfilling cycle at its best. Painful for everyone involved at its worst.

@veral2274

Жыл бұрын

Thank you for putting into words what I couldn't describe. My FA ex gave me everything I ever wanted from a partner when he was fully present. It's the longing I am struggling with. I started the relationship as an AP and, having dealt with him and learnt about attachment theory, I am now securely attached. That was the biggest gift this relationship gave me - personal growth (albeit a very painful one).

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

​@@veral2274But the journey wasn't painful because of the FA, it was painful because of your own programming. Same with the longing. FAs are not the perfect partners, but there's something in your belief system that makes you feel that they are. Once you've worked through that, the longing will go.

Good point that being in a relationship with someone who's hot & cold could train your brain to act hot & cold in that and future relationships :)

@Welegq

Жыл бұрын

More than that you also get addicted

I've been in a relationship with an FA years ago, I was AA and completely living on auto pilot with little to no self awarness... My attachment to the FA completely devestated me, the intermittent reinforcement was hell and I felt the impact of it the most at the end of the relationship, it was so bad I had a mental break down and then a spiritual awakening and 4 years later I'm still in therapy, doing a lot better now thank God

@alainpatry

Жыл бұрын

I agree. The intermittent reinforcement is hell. It's the only thing that kept me accepting the hot/cold. Until I realized how devastating it had been to my soul! Glad you're doing better!

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

Do you also rack your brain about all the missteps you made that caused her to feel cold and pull away? While trying in vain to recreate all those warm moments that pushed her to you? That one text message you sent that was misconstrued or sent a little bit too long? Wondered when she was being genuine with you and when she was putting up a facade? Wondering if certain things she did that pulled her away was to get revenge for certain things you did? Just wanting to know what she truly thought and felt but feeling a great sense of unease due to never knowing how she really felt? Did she lie about why she cancelled plans? Did she feign enthusiasm when giving you a gift and showering you with compliments? Or maybe she was being truthful in the moment but her strong emotions led to pushing/pulling?

@iUnderstand

Жыл бұрын

​@@jzen1455 It's the last sentence for me

@kittthompson

Жыл бұрын

@@jzen1455it’s exhausting!

It hurts just watching this. I'm so happy/proud she's going to therapy but the damage is done.

Being on the receiving end of an FA relationship cycle is awfully similar to that with a fully fledged covert narcissist. Love bombing, intermittent reinforcement, then discard without explanation. Keep working on your own healing so you will hopefully attract a more healed / healthy mate.

@shauty05

Жыл бұрын

This‼️‼️‼️

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

It's frustrating how such people aren't open to communicating authentically. I'm dating an FA person (I'm also FA), but I try to be communicative while she throws hints and expects me to read her mind. Instead of asking if I want to get together with her, she'll just tell me her work schedule and leave it up to me to decide when to meet up. Or she'll text she's craving some type of food. One time she made a weird excuse about cancelling plans(she said she tripped over her cat and could barely walk) then said she can't take the bus anymore and can't afford a Lyft ride. I then told her I could pay for her ride, and then she enthusiastically said she'd come over.

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

@@imm0rtalitypassi0n No don't be sorry. What you just typed resonated with me in a very eerily similar manner. The constant switching between hot and cold is so frustrating. As an FA myself, I try as hard as possible to be warm at all times with no extremes either way. I also can't help but to make all sorts of assumptions. For example, I'm constantly late and sometimes can take a while to respond to texts. I know being late is a major peeve of hers, but she claimed she doesn't mind when other people are late just when she's late. I highly doubt that. There were 2 instances in which we planned to meet at her place and she was asleep when I arrived. The first time she didn't answer her door or responded to my text she apologized profusely. Before she texted me to apologize, I was nearly 100% she was trying to ghost me, and I was ready to move one. Maybe she was legitimately tired? Maybe she was so indifferent about me and didn't care? Or maybe she indeed liked me but was getting revenge for all the times I took many hours to respond to texts and telling her I was sleeping. Maybe she thought I was lying and trying to abandon her? The second time she was asleep whenI arrived, her roommate let me in after I rang the doorbell 4 times. He said she wasn't home yet but I was welcome to come and wait for her. So I waited and waited. I texted and called. No answer. After 1.5 hrs, her roommate went to check her room and she was sleeping! Again she apologized profusely. I wondered if she just didn't like me, was getting revenge, or was legitimately super tired. Yadda yadda yaddda, one moment she's all "I miss you!" "Wanna come over?" "You're awesome babe!" The next moment she's throwing hints that maybe she doesn't really like me or likes me but is petty and unwilling to communicate her true feelings. Our last correspondence was 2 days ago. She texted to cancel plans to get together because she forgot her sisters were coming to town and she'll be busy. I texted her "Too soon/weird to meet the family?" She then said she could ask if I could join but said it was a girls night thing and that she didn't even invite her mom. She's since not responded to texts or calls. I think that was the straw that broke the camels back causing her to go frigid on me? Was that a mean thing to say? After our last get together, she texted an hour later saying that she already missed me and seemed very keen on getting together on the weekend. At this point, I don't care if she truly likes me or not. I'm moving on if she's going to keep playing these games and be unwilling to communicate directly.

@cognitivedissident4615

Жыл бұрын

Question here: is it common for an FA to subconsciously feel the need to undergo a new trauma within an otherwise seemingly compatible and loving relationship. In other words, if no trauma is present for an FA in a relationship and that is admittedly not what they are used to, can the FA potentially create a new trauma (intentionally or unintentionally) with the expectation that their unsuspecting partner must undergo this trauma with them despite the partner not seeing any evidence of it. And when the partner expresses the apparent lack of evidence or simply their inability to see it, then the role of perpetrator is transfered on to the partner leaving them utterly confused and hurt?

@alisonfisher1877

Жыл бұрын

@@cognitivedissident4615 That’s really insightful and makes a lot of sense, especially for the FA higher on the insecure spectrum. What does it look like when the FA creates the newly manifested trauma for you to also experience? Does that mean the FA is the person traumatizing you, or walking you into something they know will be traumatizing for you and themselves?

So helpful thanks. I think it's such an important point that by meeting our own needs outside of the relationship, through our own self and through friends and family etc, it takes the hyper focus off the relationship/FA person. This then allows us to set boundaries and have a healthier relationship. I love that Thais answer isnt just 'dont date an FA' but actually gives practical tips on how to improve the relationship etc

I like that you call it the hot/cold style partner. That really sums it up! For this video, I'm glad you mentioned #2 Spillover, as I recently realized I have taken on some FA aspects of my own in my interactions with my ex FA. I was always open connected trusting and available (as that is my style), but she broke MY trust in no small way (fueled by her FA programming), which seems to have resulted in me having taken on a new way of relating to her. So now we are BOTH guarded and distrusting. But feeling that is so foreign and distant to me! I don't want to be this way. And unless she does the work to earn back my trust, I'll likely never be able to shift back to being open transparent present and vulnerable with her. That was my gift and it was squashed... Even rebuilding that for someone else would be tough right now but I think I need to do what I can to NOT let this experience dim my light. If an FA can't appreciate it, some other style will! Thanks for this insightful video. Bookmarked!

I definitely experienced the "intermittent reinforcement" that honestly felt manipulative and boarder-line abusive. It felt like a game of cat and mouse, he complained that I wasn't good enough for him, so if I tried to improve, I was "worthy of affection" for a little while, only to be criticized for something else. It took several months (post break up) for me to accept that I was not the one who needed to change - he was. However, I think his attempts to change me was his way of evading the reality that he needed to face his own demons to change himself internally. Had I stayed in that relationship, it would have become toxic at best or abusive at worst. If you are dealing w/ hot-cold and unkind behavior, please don't internalize it and set good boundaries to protect your own heart.

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

Would you be able to please elaborate on what kind of changes were being expected by your FA? What would they say or what were you being criticized about? Did they just come out and say "you're not good enough"?

@alexissashanicolle8675

Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian he was really nit picky about my appearance. Sometimes he liked my hair natural (wavy), sometimes straight, sometimes he liked me better with lipstick, sometimes he preferred me without it, same for sunglasses. He was really put off by my upper lip hairs (which were blond, so I didn't think they were visible, but I shaved them for him, and when he noticed then he was affectionate for a little while). He also was really turned off when I had bags under my eyes (due to stress), he affirmed that he thought I was physically proportionate and then later told me, I would look better if I put on a few pounds (for the record, I'm a healthy weight).

@Wealth_through_Health22

Жыл бұрын

@@alexissashanicolle8675 He sounds like a total douchebag, good riddance

@a.r.8954

Жыл бұрын

@@alexissashanicolle8675 that's actually really abusive, especially from a man to a woman and especially if it went on over time. I'm so sorry.

@alexissashanicolle8675

Жыл бұрын

@@a.r.8954 thanks. Fortunately it only went on for a couple of weeks. It started around the time he was going to meet some of my family members. (after 8 months of a pretty good relationship). I think he got scared of the commitment and was looking for "reasons" this relationship wasn't the "the one." I was too shell shocked initially to know how to respond, so I told him I wanted a break while he worked out his feelings. He came back a month later with a new "condition" for me that would make him feel more reassured in our relationship. It was not a reasonable "condition" (it was something that he knew was against my values), so I told him it was not going to work out. I'm grateful he's not in my life anymore.

Beware of subconscious spillover, that really resonated with me. Thanks for sharing

After being in a 10 year relationship, both avoidant, I've finally found this information and it explains so much!. Loving gratitude 💜💜💜💜

I love how Thais talked about the positive qualities too of an FA in the beginning!

Always love the concise FA (and other) content.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

Thanks, Ozgur! Glad you like it :)

There was always this uncomfortable feeling that my partners and sometimes friends were getting attached to me too much too soon. It would never occur to me that it was happening due to my hot and cold patterns. After learning about it recently my first reaction was to pull away and not expose other people to my trauma until I could figure it out. Let's hope it will work.

@mesCheerios

Жыл бұрын

Interesting! U mean u did the cold thing again? I am not judging you i just wonder if you are aware u did that. Maybe you are communicating clearly to people whats going on with you this time, which would be different of course

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

I've been better at being more emotionally stable and consistent with how I interact with women I date. I feel the hot/cold emotions, but I try to look at things objectively by running things by my therapist and close friends. In the midst of strong love/lust, it can be very difficult to view things objectively and to let certain red flags slide by. I also try to openly communicate my feelings and intentions instead of doing all I can to be the avatar of what she wants me to be. I try to be my authentic self and be open about my mental health issues and other things that I would have hidden in the past. Also, I'm much more willing to walk away when appropriate instead of hanging on for too long for things to deteriorate further.

great video

I am married to one. Everything you said is correct.

You need to recognize this disorder and pay attention to the person your dating. Walk away from these people. They cannot love deeply. You cannot change them. Once you understand that it's not you, it's them, you can move on and not feel bad about yourself. Good luck!

do you have videos about the fearful avoidant attachment style and how it shows up when a FA leans anxious or avoidant

@Juuuu5655

Жыл бұрын

Id love a video like that !

As a fearful avoidant I cant tolerate something or someone to be imperfect and I knew about this trait always but I wasn`t able to name it I didnt know I was a perfectionism but this channel helped me alot I found out lots of my other traits related to attachment style now I can be more aware of my perfectionism or being hot and cold but when I think about myself being hot and cold, it seems logical to me because I put lots of effort and energy in relationship but when we see partner dose not then I go from hot to cold and its slow at the beginning but by the time pass it becomes faster because I become used to it

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

And 2 FA's dating is a rollercoaster of each person being hot/cold. But it's magical when both people are warm towards each other, but eventually one will turn cold and anxious, and thus perpetuating that push pull cycle. I've been trying super hard to be consistent with how I act by responding to texts in a timely manner and be on time. But sometimes I just can't respond quickly (mostly due to wonky sleep schedule). Taking 4+ hrs to respond to a text can cause an FA to feel like they're being rejected and pull away, which then causes me to feel anxious and try to win them back, ad infinitum until things blow up.

I don’t think I was FA until I dated and Avoidant on and off 2.5 years. And now he says he is ready to commit now I’m doing the push pull bc I don’t trust him. I’m like who have I become? I was married 15 year to someone emotionally void so I shut down also and mirrored him. But maybe I turned Avoidant and now I’m FA. I’m so confused and just want to be myself again without the anxiety, then I’ll run from him if I start doubting our relationship.

@jzen1455

Жыл бұрын

Do you feel texting has made things worse? Especially either if you spend a long time to respond? I think texting is a major hot/cold trigger. Basically the longer a person takes to respond to the text, the greater the sense of abandonment an FA feels, which perpetutes the push/pull dynamic.

@julieb8445

Жыл бұрын

@@jzen1455 we talked more than texted. He hated texting. It was a situationship but he said he was ready to commit. Prior to that he was juggling 3 of us. I just don’t trust he’s done the work to go from situationships for 8 years to all the sudden in a couple weeks after being caught dating three of us to choosing me. Maybe more gut instinct than FA.

@julieb8445

Жыл бұрын

@@jzen1455 but I do understand the texting and that would be a trigger. He’s always quick to reply.

Im a fearful avoidant. I got my bf to do the test he git 31% fearful avoidant and 38% securely attached. How does that work as they are completely opposite

I rarely act hot and cold because when i’m cold i’m out and don’t reach out again. I did in the past but now it’s all internal and i can feel a huge amount of fear or feeling betrayed and shut of but like i said i won’t reach out again and i’m against hot and cold behaviour because it’s so damaging and i’ve experienced myself. Does this mean i’m an atypical FA?

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

Same, I don't know why people say hot-cold-hot-cold. I'm only hot/hot/hot/cold. I've never regretted leaving and wanted to come back nor wanted to give it another shot. If I'm out, I'm out. Perhaps we're more secure than way? That's got to be a joke.

Hey, I'm an FA who's just been through a nasty break-up with a DA. I have a question that would help me so much if I could just find an answer to it. Can anyone help? Having being raised by a narcissistic mother and emotionally absent father, I find I am only ever attracted to people who are emotionally unavailable. If someone is too "nice" and clingy, it repulses me, so I end up with DA's. But then, I become anxious when they pull away and that doesn't work out either. How can I get to the point where I find securely attached people attractive? I've tried dating a few, even though the sexual chemistry wasn't there, and I end up just pushing them away. I'm only ever sexually attracted to people who end up being DA's. Is there a way to change what you are sexually attracted to? I'm currently doing the reprogramming FA course, but I'm wondering if my sexual attraction can ever change? It hasn't thus far. Thanks.

@nyangichic375

Жыл бұрын

I experienced exactly what you are describing. What worked for me is I swore off relationships for a year and worked on my core issues which brought out alot of things on the surface especially my childhood trauma. Its been three years since I began this journey and I now find DA's and FA's insecure behaviours very unattractive and my tolerance for non mutual or non reciprocal relationships have gone to zero. I hope this means am healing.

@SlapAlice

Жыл бұрын

@@nyangichic375 I just did two years solo doing all the work. Was friends with the guy for 6 months before dating. Didn’t see any sign of anything wrong and then got dumped via text with no explanation or closure and he hasn’t spoken to me since. It’s re-triggered all my traumas. I honestly thought I had grown, but I’m subconsciously attracted to DA’s.

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

@nyangichic375 But are you attracted to secure people, then? Like do you actually find yourself wanting them? Do you feel drawn to it? As Alice described, if they aren't avoidant, they're almost repulsive. Do you find any change in that department?

@nyangichic375

Жыл бұрын

@mississippi I absolutely enjoy secure people's company. Infact I am now turned on by guys who share about themselves freely, authentically and are curious about me and want to meet my needs.

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

​@@nyangichic375ok well that's nice I guess. I end up wanting to escape from secure people and have only experienced peace with my current DA. I've never had issues with reciprocity or them not wanting to meet my needs but I end up feeling claustrophobic. I'd be curious to know how that changes as avoidants heal.

Quick question Thaïs. I recently had a 2 month on/off/on/off/on/off thing with someone I now believe to be FA. I never knew about attachment styles until we split up. I don't even know if she realises she's a FA as she never said to me. Your videos help me understand a lot, so thanks. So my question is, do FA's usually tell new partners that they're FA, or just keep it to themselves? Thanks

@morehn

Жыл бұрын

Address the actual issue with healthy communication. You're not their therapist and it's not your job to label things you think you're assessing correctly, which you may not be. If you feel they pulled away, just say you feel they pulled away and you felt hurt. I don't think it's appropriate to say they pulled away because they're FA.

@henryhua2073

Жыл бұрын

@dinardsi9006 You mentioned you did not know about attachment styles until after a 2 month relationship. Have you taken an attachment style test like the one Thais offers on her website? If you have then you would know that most if not all people can display a little bit of all attachment styles. There is not one person on this planet that can take a test like that and be 100% of said style without cheating(taking the test multiple times). We all can display one or more aspects from one of the 4 styles. I think it depends on each interaction and if we have done any work to correct those behaviors. To answer your original question, IMO, a person who is being honest with themselves and want to change for the better to have a more complete life would take the time to work on themselves and their issues and be honest with their partner would tell them what attachment style they have, if they themselves know.

@dinardsi9006

Жыл бұрын

@@morehn thanks for replying. It ended abruptly and badly, so little chance of communication. I know I'm not a therapist or psychologist, so would never bluntly say "I think you're a FA" etc. If she is aware though and had broached it with me, I would've understood her behaviour a lot more, and then it may not have ended..

@dinardsi9006

Жыл бұрын

@@henryhua2073 thanks for your input. In trying to understand what the hell happened, I came across attachment styles, and yes, tested myself 90% secure, 10% AP. I'm pretty sure she's mainly FA from things about herself she told me, and with what went on during the period I was with her. If she is aware, and I'm pretty sure that she is, and had told me, I would've understood her behaviours more and acted accordingly to help. She didn't, and so I was confused and initially blamed myself for it ending.

@morehn

Жыл бұрын

@@dinardsi9006 I agree. I strongly assumed an "attachment trauma/style" about someone for a long time when he showed hot and cold symptoms. He eventually told me he was sexually abused as a kid and also other similar things, and I had no clue the whole time. When you type someone, you always need to know you might be completely off base. When you address a particular issue that you feel is important to you, you'll never be off base.

How much is the training?

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool

Жыл бұрын

attachment.personaldevelopmentschool.com/iat pricing is towards the botttom

@colebeardshaws4634

Жыл бұрын

@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool I will not be able to join this year’s cohort but plan to train in a future year!

Do FA have a habit of habitual lying?

@jackmcananey2659

11 ай бұрын

Im pretty sure they do from what I’ve experienced are you having the same problem by any chance? Lying about ridiculous things?