I’m a month out of a relationship with a FA that I really care about. She ended things for the 3rd time and I couldn’t handle my heart being broken again, so I didn’t fight it this time and chose to let her go. I came across attachment theory afterwards, it is nice seeing that there may be reasons outside of me that the relationship ended. I wasn’t perfect, but I also knew that the relationship should not have been as much of an uphill climb as it was

@getting2knowjapan

Жыл бұрын

Good on you for choosing to let her go. As a secure leaning AP, I was really confused and didn't know about attachment theory. I was sucked into someone that I thought was very present, had a hard time processing why she suddenly turned cold, and then realized life is too short to work so hard chasing a potential relationship. I know chasing what you can't have is difficult especially if you're an AP, but just know your worth.

@pinksrilala7704

Жыл бұрын

That so describes how I behave with my boyfriend... I don't mean to cause pain but I my emotions become so high and I lose sight of rationality 😭😭😭 I know I'm intensely hot and then intensely cold... I feel like I'm slowly sabotaging my loving relationship but I can't seem to control myself and I'm just hurting my boyfriend who I love with all my heart 💔 I am just at a loss as to how to heal 😭 I'm so sorry us FA's can cause so much grief, turbulence and confusion xx

@joshjacobson932

Жыл бұрын

@@pinksrilala7704 Remember that FA and AP are both insecure. As an AP I’m told all the time that I give so much and I deserve so much better, but that doesn’t make it right for me to give a lot of myself out of fear of abandonment. Your boyfriend needs to come towards your comfortable level of interaction just like you need to go towards his, it’s a compromise and it takes effort and communication for both people. Have a talk with him about what you are willing to do to set aside your insecurities, and ask him if there are ways he can set aside his to help you be more comfortable as well.

@joshjacobson932

Жыл бұрын

@@getting2knowjapan I’m an AP as well, I agree I need my energy matched more than it was. I know I need to not push so hard, and I tried my best to slow down for her, but she kept taking space instead of giving back and that wasn’t enough for me

@estelao.b.1473

Жыл бұрын

I used to be like that. Pushed away a man who really cared about me. It broke me when he would never come back. I handle better not running away, he was Secure attachment. But the next person I met was avoidant and it put me through hell. Broke up 3 times in 5 months. A lot of hot and cold behaviour. Nothing worked. I almost managed to make him rethink about the relationship but pushed him away by not giving him time to think. I am still surprised Thais managed to make it work with a dismissive avoidant. I guess the last guy just didnt love me.

FAs can shut down for much longer than just a few days. I've dated two in the past and when they shut down, it could last weeks. You'd get stonewalled hard. No response to your calls or messages whatsoever. They'd typically come back if you gave them their space and not be needy. However, they'd act as if nothing had happened at all. They are highly attractive, caring, and charming during the honeymoon phase (like seriously) but once that's over, you're left with a very dysfunctional and emotionally inconsistent person.

@gayleneflower398

Жыл бұрын

Agree 100%

@soniathompson4754

10 ай бұрын

Sounds like a DA to me

@BirdieHaze2207

4 ай бұрын

Spot on!

@SirBLM

14 күн бұрын

I shut down from December until I finally called a therapist in May...

@SkyePhoenix

7 күн бұрын

I'm an FA and recently I think I met one of my kind. So frustrating...

Not communicating needs, not maintaining own boundaries, blaming to unknowing partner then ghosting/stonewalling/deactivating 😢

1. Justifying the volatilite & angry expressions 2. Untrusting core wound 3. Hot & cold, In & Out aggressive

This is me to a T, I justified my anger through out Covid and stayed so mad at my former DA , I did not set my boundaries while he was living with me fully alcoholic plus depressed and when he left I was enraged.. fast forward 2 years I felt beyond guilty with tons of regret and then I found PDS aka Thais ( actually my former DA shared ur first ever video, bc u helped him) fast forward 10 mths later to now and I am evolving .. no longer feel guilty but have regret I stayed mad for so long .. only person it really hurts is urself.. I’m 55 and really hope my journey to secure will be sooner rather then later .. but I am enjoying my new relationship…. With “ME” ❤🙏🏼 thx to “YOU”

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Were you the alcoholic, or him? If you were the alcoholic, perhaps that’s why he left? And if he was the alcoholic; you’re freeeeee of a trap with a person married to a substance. …

@lisa4cohen

Жыл бұрын

@@MellowBellow1 oh he was alcoholic and I was so triggered as my father was an addict ( crack, coke, alcohol) I kept saying ur an alcoholic and he kept denying he had a problem .. when he left I was very relieved but he stopped drinking ( apparently) and I wanted to meet him sober and well that never happened .. zero closure and still have a garage full of his belongings from 3 years ago 😩 … I think it’s safe to assume he’s still DA If he hasn’t come to retrieve his things and my closure is no closure .. I will never ever engage with a DA ever again.. his lack of transparency was so anxiety provoking

Lololol I just chuckled, thais saying "this can never work" I've heard this phrase one too many times....Whether it was ex partners or friends...Def a common phrase with FAs. What awesome share Thank you thais. Thais is correct, if you don't want to keep living with these behaviors it can be changed. Many of us pds students have seen and felt the changes, it's absolutely life changing. Thais is a unicorn angel ❤️

#3 Threatening to Leave can come out as "either do this (show up to go out for dinner like I want to) or gtfo." When the FA starts to give ultimatums and the options are to do something vs leave, then it's a pretty good indicator that they're trying to balance their swaying emotions because asking and pleading so far has failed to get them the results they wanted. Your FA is starting to question you and is ready to emotionally close off if you don't tread carefully AND make up for lost time and effort. Something that I've noticed I do when I've decided to start letting go - and internally I feel bad about it because I'm out with the person but I have a pretty accurate feeling that this is one of the last times we'll hang out - is that I'll become extremely agreeable, easygoing, and in people pleaser mode to the point where I'll let the other person pick what they want to do or where to go, and often times I'll end up picking up the bill like it's a going away gift. 🎁 Kind of like a momento for them and a way to quiet my inner demons for the pain I'm about to inflict on another.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

So you’re saying you put the whole relationship up as collateral when you don’t get to go out when and where you want. And then you decide yourself that you can buy back your “soul” by paying for dinner ? Wow. ….. truly scary thinking there. I guarantee you’d create disgust in a secure person for that kind of power play. …

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Bloody hell. … sorry. But that’s so freaking weird. …. What you’re saying is that you’ll put the WHOLE relationship up as collateral if you don’t get to go out when and where you want to go. …? Like it’s your way of the highway. ……. And to “get rid of the toxin” of that …. You pretend to be easy going and pay for dinner. ….???? Do you see how incredibly toxic and passive aggressive and unhealthy that is ? Do you think any secure person would be “bought off” like that. ….? Do you think you might create abhorrence in someone by forcing your way or the highway like that ? And then thinking you’ve bought your way out of the guilt …? Wow. That’s fully a delusion. … sorry. But … wow.

@chickletmonstah

Жыл бұрын

Shit this is what I’m about to do. It’s because she’s chosen someone else and wants to only be friends. So we’ll have our last vacation trip together as a memento and let her go forever.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

@@chickletmonstah but she’s ended the relationship. Is she the FA or are you? That’s not the same as an ultimatum. ….

@chickletmonstah

Жыл бұрын

@@MellowBellow1 she ended it our short fling after she broke up with her ex because her mom died and she needed to heal. In truth I was only likely a rebound to get over her loneliness. I was still hoping to get back together. And then she finally told me she will go back to her ex if he wants her back (he started reaching out to her and said he wanted her but can’t really commit). And she didn’t want to tell me for a while because it would hurt me a lot. We planned to see each other and go on trips as friends while she go to over him. Now that I know and she still wants me to see her I was gonna use that as a goodbye thing so that I can let her go. I put on a mature and brave face of it all but the truth is it hurts too much. And I was never good at pretending. And I know she’d get abused again, it just hurts when I know she’s headed the wrong direction but she can’t help it I guess. I’m FA she’s DA. And no it’s not an ultimatum. If I was in a relationship with her and not getting my needs met then I would do similar to that ultimatum to thing. But I’m not, I only relate to the letting go thing.

I was dating someone and I ended it in a huge emotional explosion. When I finally was able to reflect and see from a 3rd person, I felt EVEN MORE guilt and shame for pushing away someone who honestly cared for me. If it wasn't for Thais's videos I have no idea how lost I would be.

@tyleryoung306

5 ай бұрын

Did you end up reaching out to them once you realized this to try to mend things?

@Alexandermhinton

4 ай бұрын

Did you ever take responsibility for your incredibly destructive behavior?

@joannemcclelland5271

Ай бұрын

Ugh. I’m a big fat FA. I feel guilty just being one.

The solution really does seem to be for everyone to heal their own attachment system and then partner with secure people. Everything else is just too much work for too little reward. That's what I'M doing, anyway. I don't need to get my stuff all over other people, and I definitely don't intend to keep taking on their stuff and giving myself away to people that don't reciprocate.

@lisa4cohen

Жыл бұрын

I’m so happily single .. I’m working so hard on me and it feels so good .. my heart is calm and mind is working on good .. so ur on to something g

@cocoskirt

Жыл бұрын

We heal and grow in relationship to others, not in isolation. It’s easy to be secure on our own, and that can create a false sense of security, but the real test comes in relationship to others.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Let me assure you, an unhealed FA will certainly ruin a relationship with a secure person. … guaranteed.

@lisa4cohen

Жыл бұрын

@@cocoskirt I look forward to it !!

@learninginlove3785

Жыл бұрын

@Icarium this is the truth. I left an abusive relationship and did a lot of work on myself, went to therapy, watched pds content and other content. I felt amazing and like I was ready to date. Met my boyfriend and the first couple of months were fine and now I get triggered pretty frequently. Thankfully I can recognize it and I'm working with an EMDR therapist as well as being vulnerable and transparent with my boyfriend about what I'm going through. He's supportive and understanding because I don't blame him for the triggers or feelings that come with it and I certainly don't scream or use hurtful words.

how do FA's know when to stay in a relationship/ just experiencing workable triggers vs when its actually healthy to leave a dysfunctional relationship? and how can they minimize the guilt afterwards, even if it was a healthy decision?

@whoiamhowilive2746

Жыл бұрын

I wanna know too

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

They don’t.

@Bambim8

Жыл бұрын

If you're the FA and if your partner can take the pain of dealing with your bs - you stay and work on yourself, if they can't take the pain - you/they leave and you work on yourself. If you're the partner of an FA, it depends on the amount of pain you can take and their decision to work on themselves. If they're not willing to work on themselves - you leave. As for the guilt, if you're the FA and if your partner can take the pain of dealing with your bs - by leaving you don't take up their time of trying to wait for you to heal, but the relationship could've worked out in the long run, so the guilt is only natural. If you're the FA and if your partner can't take the pain of dealing with your bs - you leaving is what's best for them. If you're not working on yourself - it's what's best for them in both cases. If it's what's best for them, I don't see where the guilt would come from. The hurt will end and they'll come out more fulfilled afterwards. If you're the partner - it's only your right as a person seeking and deserving of a healthy partner and relationship.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Why would you want to minimise guilt? If you sabotage a healthy relationship, you should feel guilt; you can’t avoid healthy consequences of dumb decisions. Why should you? If it’s a healthy decision, why feel guilt ?

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Essentially an FA has to self scrutinise rather than project fear onto a partner. IF a partner is actually doing something wrong, then it’s obvious. It’s clear. If it’s a deal breaker, it is. But it’s NOT a deal breaker if the FA can’t handle “normal” relationship stuff. If an FA is projecting fear onto a normal situation and blaming or lashing out, stonewalling, criticising or focussing on negative stuff instead of positive stuff, then it’s the FA who is the problem. FA’s will get into abusive relationships OR they will ruin healthy relationships, UNLESS they do the work. That’s how trauma recreates itself. And …. Hurt people hurt people. Including themselves and perfectly good partners.

so on target (run hot cold, unfounded suspicion, hurtful remarks) exhausting.

You’ve been a gift from God with all the videos and wonderful contact that you posted. Keep up the great work!

OMG. This is my ex FA partner to a T. Like SPOT ON. It was kinda painful to watch this video as it checked ALL the boxes of my experience with her.... but at the same time I feel so validated and understood! :)

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Yep!!!! 💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼💃🏼

@joannemcclelland5271

Ай бұрын

I’m an FA. I am realizing the hurt I’ve caused. On behalf of all FAs - I’m sorry to all of you.

@ayoung23

5 күн бұрын

@@joannemcclelland5271I am just realizing I’m FA 😢😢😢 I’m so sorry to those I have hurt 😞

An FA I knew was good at finding incongruencies, and at the same time it sometimes came out as an exaggeration to the point that they couldn't trust even good people. As Thais says, it's a trauma response, not that the FA is a bad person :)

@elianas5374

Жыл бұрын

That's what happened to me. He didn't trust me, although I was trying to be as honest as possible and didn't lie. What to do in this case?

@lifecoachingtoronto

Жыл бұрын

@@elianas5374 If you're being as honest & transparent as possible, I think this is now their situation to solve with yourself Eliana

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

It can be abusive though. … if criticism and lack of trust become false accusations and lash outs, then the FA is abusive.

@sherriflemming3218

Жыл бұрын

@@MellowBellow1 Yes I've experienced this.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

@@sherriflemming3218 I’m so sorry. It’s really important to understand that abusive behaviour cannot and should not be excused. All abusers identify with their primary childhood aggressor. ….

The only way out is through. Got curious about my failure which helped me face and see without all the justifying. Getting more peace.

I’m afraid to watch this one, because I know I’m gonna feel attacked lol. Here we go…

@michiekisses143

Жыл бұрын

Well, you’ve pretty much hit the nail on the head, again! Lol. This makes me want to apologize to this DA guy that I was talking to, but I just know things will somehow end badly, again. Ugh, I just gotta keep working on myself. If we’re meant to get into contact again, it’ll happen organically.

@TheGreenTaco999

4 ай бұрын

​@@michiekisses143"organically" reaching out is organic, you're just being lazy

I was leaning FA and so was my partner. We were working on it and as soon as we got so close to healing it, he left me. I think he had more avoidant tendencies and I more anxious. I am more comfortable in my emotional body and can still see him lovingly through difficult times, he couldn’t be in loving mindset when he was triggered.

This video has so much depth and truth that maybe other attachments only see the points as "problems with FA" but it perfectly rounds up everything I have had to come to terms and work on to finally see any happiness. The hardest part is bringing a changed behavior into practice. Especially when we can't trust, when our partner pushes our buttons, when we're scared and want nothing more than to go hide in our bed but secretly want our partners to be different. It's not about finding someone who would treat us with a certain consideration because they would if they loved us. It is our responsibility as FAs to show up differently and to make a choice that serves us even when it goes against every grain of our instinct to do so. And it is only then, that we will see a different result.

@MellowBellow1

Жыл бұрын

Sometimes your partner isn’t pushing your buttons. ….. sometimes you don’t trust soooooo much that you believe a bad thing is happening because you’re triggered. But it’s not your partner doing it. … it’s that you edit out all the positive in the present for the negative in the past. If your partner isn’t doing anything observably “wrong”. … it’s your lack of trust at play. Do you see how FA’s don’t “see”. ? 😉

Thais - please make the same video for DAs - I would love to share it with them. I am FA and this video is very accurate - I have been working on everything you have said. I do think the awareness of other styles would help as well so that both parties can show up better in a relationship. Thanks for all you do - it really helps me and I feel less like a weirdo who cannot do relationships. Honestly, I was about to give up all together and classify myself as undateable..

I was with a FA for 18 years. He falsely accused me over and over that I was cheating when I was not. He kept looking for it. Did not know about any of this information when I was with him in the late 90's. I was exhausted and angry trying to convince him I was loyal to him. I would have left him long long time before knowing this relationship was a wrecking ball to my self esteem and confidence. Never again. I had to go to therapy for this. He went along like nothing was wrong and the problem was mine .. Too much. Rather be single. Much happier without him and his many " issues".

If my old FA had communicated his needs, I would have listened and we may have still had a relationship. I feel better without him in my life.

This definitely helps me understand my mother better.

😢 as an FA myself, I stumbled on your videos about five days ago. I have been in this state of mind probably my entire life. I have CPTSD and ADHD. I’m currently medicated for the ADHD and I’m starting to do a lot of inner work. I have a pretty traumatizing background. I do self sabotage my relationship. I don’t trust easily, I never have. My boyfriend tries to understand., But he struggles to as a DA. I feel terrible that trust has been a major portion of the problems we have had in our relationship. I’m working on myself. How can I share with him that it’s not him?

@sukiarts

9 ай бұрын

Just tell him what you said here, and you both search ways to fix your own attachments

I am AP dating an FA but I can really relate to the behaviors in this video of exploding on ppl in the moment due to feeling hurt. I have gotten a lot better but I’m still working on it.

@ninjamonkey508

Жыл бұрын

You probably coulda been a bit of a fearful avoidant turned more secure.

@DeemMeBeautiful

Жыл бұрын

@@ninjamonkey508 Hmmmm never thought about it like that. 🤔

@ninjamonkey508

Жыл бұрын

@@DeemMeBeautiful just keep going, the fact that you're even aware of it is a good sign of progress. You can do it!

@elianas5374

Жыл бұрын

It should be him getting better not you. Still together?

thank you for the video!

My bf will pull away and sabotage when we get very close and things are great. He will suddenly pick fights and ignore me out of nowhere and be mad at me for no reason. This started happening when we got close to marriage. Some times he tells me he wants to get married then suddenly wont want a relationship. Its so hurtful.

Thank you so much, Thais! This is very helpful

Thank you so much for sharing your experience and insights! 🙏

I love the personal example Thais gave!!

Its nice to watch this kind of video.❤thanks

I might do all of that. Thanks for helping me be aware. Nobody enjoys this kind of behavior. I can do better. Thank you!

I’d love to know if there’s a more in depth video on something you mentioned in point 5, the lag between something happening and a FA addressing it. I have this happen often where it’s as if I download something in the moment and then hours, sometimes days later I feel/react/process it. It’s hurtful since my partner thinks things are fine and it seemingly comes out of nowhere (for me too) the positive is I do catch it pretty fast and we talk through it (he’s great at this!) and I feel emotionally regulated again.

thank you so much it is so much helpful when you explain all these with your personal experiences I dont feel alon ever since Ive found this channel

You are soooo good at describing me it's kinda scary. Thank you so much for making this channel. It's really helped me a ton.

Excellent, truth, thank you.. so helpful.. means so much!!!⚘

These fa videos make me feel seen and understood- thanks Thais

Damn, Thais. You see me.... I need a full PDS course on how to stop doing every single one of these.

I used to be fearful avoidant. Pushed away a man who really cared about me. It broke me when he would never come back. I handle better not running away, he was Secure attachment. But the next person I met was avoidant and it put me through hell. Broke up 3 times in 5 months. A lot of hot and cold behaviour. Nothing worked. I am still surprised Thais managed to make it work with a dismissive avoidant.

@kurtmiller3986

Жыл бұрын

Karma served you. So change yourself.

@slaveofAllahAlAzeezAlHakeem

Жыл бұрын

@@kurtmiller3986 That's a mean thing to say

@TheLace

Жыл бұрын

@@slaveofAllahAlAzeezAlHakeem it’s an HONEST thing to say- the truth sometimes hurts, but it’s still the truth.

@estelao.b.1473

Жыл бұрын

@@kurtmiller3986 I was 21 and the man was 32, he was much more patient than the military young guy I dated afterwards who had a horrible personality. Karma works from Life to after life. If you mean I deserved the pain, I can see a path a loneliness and rejection ahead of you, your comment is so bitter and you barely know a thing. And yeah, the last guy was not a good person, his own mother told me I deserved better.

@estelao.b.1473

Жыл бұрын

@@TheLace And what do you know about me? What truth? WoW this comment section is full of bitter men. I was super young when I had that love attachment. What s wrong with you people?

Thank you

OMG, this is so informative. I recognized my own FA tendencies.( 30% FA and 70% secure), especially expressing anger and trust issues. My ex is FA. I guess that’s the reason we were able so stay together for four years.

Thank you for these videos, Thais. Just recently found you and I've been healing from the guided introspection. Bless you!

I think one of your best videos in your incredible collection of wisdom! I'm a recovering FA and all of these are reasons my past relationships were not long lasting. Hope you come back to repairing trust with ourselves and our partners as well as how repair with a partner as we understand these things... Do we explain/apologize or just start showing change? Or both?

@whoiamhowilive2746

Жыл бұрын

I wanna know too!!

This really hits home. I had never been a volatile FA, or person in general, and then I experienced severe relational trauma (an abandonment and betrayal while pregnant by the father having a mental health break) and I, without knowing it, carried forward a profound wound when I sense any incongruence from a partner. I was very happy in a new relationship, but he ended up being an FA too (believed he was AP) and when he pulled away and needed space, I became more and more triggered over the course of a week and ending up calling him multiple times and lashing out at him one night on the phone while drinking. I was despondent, critical, and overwhelmingly needy that night. He left me two days later. He was already feeling pressure from having an unknown avoidant side that was being overwhelmed with fear, even without my reactions, but I definitely gave him a reason to lose trust in me. Im really struggling, even though I understand and respect his decision. Our connection was so special, but he appears to have entirely deactivated and reframed the entire relationship.

I didn’t think I was an FA because I rarely show anger.

@anja7787

Жыл бұрын

It is the push away dynamic and fears taking over and not communication what is going on, and maybe not being aware of what is going on. It is about always looking for a way out. Or fear driving you when you get too close in case the other person hurts you. Secure people know that hurt will happen but bailing is a no no, and coming back together apologizing and being respectful and self aware. You may be a DA

I feel like I can relate to a lot of these as an anxious attachment style…

I so wish I could get my FA (ex) to realize their wounds actually affected herr decision to end our relationship and get to your information here.

Ohh yeah this was a difficult one to hear, as I’m FA, then AP. Yeah I was beginning to act like a total jerk in the past year (and yes I felt completely justified) and it would come without warning and just ruin my and everyone else’s day. Now that I’ve begun to feel anger and rage safely (I’ve been doing some PDS work), I am able to not act so horribly. But hey I can feel now and acknowledge my needs and I no longer feel like I’m a fragmented person. I do really like feeling like a whole person, who sees herself. It’s quite nice.

How is one suppose to communicate to an avoidant when they AVOID the conversation?

I know if i get anger it’s like I’m frustrated and mad at myself for after finally being emotionally committed and letting guard down, i get triggered like they don’t come home or they don’t respond. So i get mad at myself that i fell for it again but i yell at them cuz i feel i can’t yell at myself and i can’t make people just think about my feelings.

Interesting I can only relate to 1. but have cptsd from childhood abuse. And 2. Pushing people away.

Slamming girl! I love how you cram so much information into one video amen. Are you a Gemini? Ooahh. Hugs and thank you!

Thais I've seen every single behaviour you are describing in this video with my FA boyfriend. Each time, we broke up 😞 and it always takes a huge amount of empathy from my side to get back together. Right now, I'm dealing with mistrust. How to deal with a FA who always believes that I'm lying even though I'm not lying?

I'have ALWAYS been congruent and honest with my FA. Result? She betrayed me, she prefers keep on selling her body despite of my care and love. FA wants honesty and congruency, BUT does not want give the same.

Hey 🙋 Seeking a bit of advice here. To any fearful avoidant out there, if you have successfully worked through and heal your wounds to a noticeable and satisfactory degree, did you do this within the framework of a relationship? Or did you do this deep inner work by yourself? I ask because...when my FA tendencies show up and I see how confusing and hurtful it can be to those I love, it provides this vicious negative feedback loop that makes me feel like I need to save others from myself. Obviously this does not help...just creates this self fulfilling prophecy. All that rant to say...being at the stage of awareness is deeply painful and that pain paralyzes me in a sense at times or just full flight mode. Is it healthy for myself and for those in my life that deserve love and stability to try to heal in the midst of a relationship? (Romantic/familial or otherwise)

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

I think I can answer this from a recovering FA view. I did most work outside of my relationship but only because I was single at the time and in no mood to date. Personally, (and APs will hate me for saying this), I don't think avoidant's really hurt anyone. People only hurt themselves by giving painful stories and staying in relationships that don't work for them. People who can't stand your tendencies owe it to themselves to leave. It is not your job to save anyone from you and it is not anyone's job to save you from them. We are not children anymore. Our wellbeing lies in our own hands, not in the hands of the others. People deserve what they allow. If they believe they deserve better than you, then they can attract better than you.

@yvanbrathwaite3787

Жыл бұрын

@@Mississippian you're spot on...I was reading this and my initial feelings were certainly adverse to what you were saying, but, I'm here clearly because I haven't figured this out. So I'll sit with the thought. Already filtered some personal experiences through what you said there and I can grasp a bit of the validity of what you're saying. I will sit with your advice further for sure. Thanks for sharing 🙏

@Mississippian

Жыл бұрын

And thank you for your open mindedness.

@eliyahsyrai9397

Жыл бұрын

You may be able to start the healing outside a relationship, with a therapist, etc, but relational wounds have to heal in relationship. Eventually you’ll need to watch your patterns arise inside a relationship and practice the new skills.

@yvanbrathwaite3787

Жыл бұрын

@@eliyahsyrai9397 thank you so much for that insight Eliyah. It was simple but still profound. I never gave thought to there being a delineation between relationship wounds & my childhood/core wounds

Not going to date an FA again. Hurtful words one day, love bombing another, emotionally unavailable and totally a coward. Loneliness and lack of support from him too.

@mduhyx2120

3 ай бұрын

They are garbage, 🙅🏾‍♂️ never dating such crap ever... Zero regards for how others feel... Always running away from problems...

@bigbadlara5304

2 ай бұрын

I was getting really close to my best friend and caught feelings for her. When I told her she literally jumped into my arms. Then an Amazing first date. Right after she completely changed in so many ways. She is probably avoidant of either dismissive or fearful type. The relationship was a rollercoaster ride. And I felt like I was on the backfoot the whole time. I was getting really drained but because I'm extremely busy I had no time to reflect. Then bang. She discards me. She gave me a reason but it's just actually nonsense haha. We could talk that out no problem. So I didn't contact her again. Even after multiple weeks I'm still drained. These people are not healthy to be around of they refuse to work on themselves. I doubt I'm securely attached but I don't feel like I'm draining people this much.

notes - volatility and unhealthy expression of anger - trust issues - push-pull - Hurtful passive aggressive remarks - sudden shutdown

The thing is what if u as a fearful avoidant end up with someone who exploits that fact and then makes u feel like u aren’t dealing with a lot inside…. Ongoing traumas certainly don’t help.

I wonder if A secure attached person will become insecure when with a FA. What are your thoughts?

@drekathigpen4869

11 ай бұрын

I think so. The constant back and forth could cause you to become anxious or question yourself and your emotional health especially if you haven’t always been secure

Hi Thais, I love your videos. Can I make just one request? Can you re-do this video with you speaking at a slower pace? I'd really like to forward this video to a friend for whom English is her second language and I am concerned that the speed at which you speak will impede her ability to follow along and understand. If you cannot re-do this video, I understand, but maybe you could slow down your speech in future videos to make them more accessible to second-language learners. Thanks

@clhunt15

Жыл бұрын

KZread has a setting that changes the playback speed. Your friend can slow down any video on KZread!

@jennifermoore4246

Жыл бұрын

@@clhunt15 What? Really? How do you do that?

@anja7787

Жыл бұрын

@@jennifermoore4246 the little wheel in the corner

#4 was my ex, except her passive aggressiveness was cheating on me multiple times.

I’m doing number 5 right now. But it feels like it hurts otherwise. I don’t want to go back. It hurts more than if someone cuts off my arm.

Does anyone did membership....

I'm dating an FA and I absolutely adore her, but literally all of these challenges arise regularly and I'm not sure how to help her feel more secure. Anyone have any advice on how to approach these topics with someone that's an FA without making them feel attacked (I've seen many in the comments of this and other videos that are FA that state they feel that way)

@zaria5785

Жыл бұрын

Bring it up when you’re both really calm and have time to give to your conversation and definitely somewhere private and safe. Maybe have some scones and tea/coffee ready (just an idea). Limit other distractions (like tv in the background). Tell her how much you adore her and that you’re having some challenges with her response at times. Ask her how you should navigate those touchy moments. Be solution focused. Then ask her if she’s open to hearing a different /similar perspective. And if she consents then bring up some suggestions that Thais has shared or rather share this video while you sit next to her to watch. It should get the ball rolling at least. Wishing you the best.

@jojofrimpong8727

Жыл бұрын

@@zaria5785 as an FA I totally agree with this idea! I would definitely appreciate it if my partner approached me like this.

@TheHermitTeller

Жыл бұрын

As an FA, try your best to be gentle when raising concerns and address things one at a time. Address the most pressing issue that may be impacting your relationship and try to reiterate how much you still adore her. Then work on solutions as a team. Be supportive, understanding and I think encouragement on a regular basis would be really affective.

@lmart16

Жыл бұрын

Show her these videos lol. I agree with the other FA who said bring it up in a calm moment, one at a time. I, an FA, appreciate honesty and depend on people I care about to crazy check me. A lot of times though, when I act out, I'm met with how understandable my reactions are based on my pov and the information I was given. Keep in mind that FAs are hypervigilant and able to see sides of a puzzle that others often don't - so if she's having issues, it's most likely due to something she has problems with in regards to your actions or inaction. You might find out that you might have to learn to be more open and communicative in order to close the gap of the unknown for the FA to feel safer and more calm in a relationship.

@christinarichie6171

Жыл бұрын

She needs to do the online course with the Personal Development School. Really nothing you can do until she decides to work on herself. It's like a filmsy plaster over a gaping wound.

"Its only a matter of time till you leave too so just go away"

Lord This behavior here 🥹

How to apologize to a da for this very reason?

I wonder what the percentage of FA's ever discover their attachment type even if they have had therapy many times in the past.. And if they will likely continue their healing if they think their past therapies didn't work.

If you're an FA, quit being selfish and help yourself first with counseling/therapy and break the cycle of "hurt people, hurt others" Those of us who fall in love with you who are great people and want to help can become deeply wounded by those who wounded you. Our kids are also being hurt mentally. My son became close to my FA, and he cries at night missing my ex and her kids. She's an amazing, awesome, and loving woman, but she didn't see the damage she's done to me and my son. I have a bad case of PTSD, I thought I healed. However, your wounds can also open up our old wounds. Break the cycle I beg you, for yourself, your family, and those of us who truly love and care. I'm trying to understand

@gayleneflower398

Жыл бұрын

They hurt you so bad… still hurting

@forestcop2399

Жыл бұрын

@gayleneflower398 It's been 7mo and I'm still afraid to trust/love again

Yep, unfortunately. Growing out of being FA. Sigh.

Thais- you are so fucking beautiful 🌹 I appreciate you deeply

Are narcs FA's???

The FA I just broke it off with after 7 mos of beauty and insanity is a fucking Social worker..... daily she sees clients with issues she is not healed from or even addressing. The level of dishonesty, lack of integrity, immaturity, gaslighting, lying.... lack of accountability and responsibility for her behavior was REMARKABLE! It wasn't there initially, when I saw any inconsistencies, I brought it to her attention. however... in the end I had enough

Not about the music in the background. Sounds like a real commercial on tv.

@clhunt15

Жыл бұрын

Yeah, I can't remember what the commercial is for, but I heard it the other day too. I fully reversed my steps because I was walking out of the room, like "Is PDS on TV?!?" 😂

Oh my goodness, thankyou for sharing that part of your past experience/ relationship with anger Im trying to work through shame around my own, because of similar reactions ive had in the past. I hold guilt and remorse around my actions in anger, im trying to hold self compassion through the processing of those feelings, but it can get confusing Hearing such an objective walk through of the process and flow of emotion, the explanation of the reactions to be a result of compound experience all coming up at once, brought so much stability and clarity to my understanding of whats going on inside, again, thankyouu 🤍